DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the
property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The
story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c)
2013 by Djinn. This story is Rated R.
WeÕll
Pretend You Love Me
by
Djinn
Part
One
It
was a boring day in sickbay and Chapel was happy to see the captain come in, a
Òyou wonÕt believe what I cooked upÓ look on his face.
ÒJim,Ó
she said.
ÒChris.Ó He held out a padd. ÒBones is refusing to go to this
conference with Spock. You want to
go?Ó
She
glanced at the topics. They were
actually things that interested her.
And she hated to admit it, especially after all this time trying to get
over Spock, but going away with just him also interested her. ÒWhy?Ó
ÒWhy
what?Ó He was trying way too hard
to look innocent.
ÒWhy
are you acting like a big matchmaker?Ó
He
grinned. ÒHeÕs a lot more open, in
case you havenÕt noticed. Since
that meld with VÕger.Ó
ÒA
lot more open to what?Ó
ÒTo...possibilities.Ó
She
rolled her eyes.
ÒIÕm
serious. You should get some time
alone with him. See if
maybe...Ó At her look, his
expression grew more serious.
ÒLook, I know I spent a lot of time whining to you about Lori and how
unhappy I was when she called our marriage off, and how much I hated being
grounded.Ó
He
had. SheÕd never known him that
well until his wife left him and Chapel had run into him at the officerÕs
club. An unhappy, stuck-on-Earth
admiral.
ÒAnd
later, when I got over her but still hated being grounded. You were there for fun stuff, too, not
just to lend a gentle ear. I canÕt
tell you what that meant to me—you might have kept me sane. So, I guess this is something I can do
for you. DonÕt you owe it to
yourself to see if something is there?
I know you felt deeply for him at one time.Ó
Earnest
Jim was the most dangerous one: she knew because sheÕd almost slept with him
several times during those months before the launch—she didnÕt think heÕd
realized how tempted sheÕd been.
ÒSpock is not going to be happy with you.Ó
ÒThen
I wonÕt tell him I had anything to do with this.Ó Jim grinned. ÒIÕll tell him itÕs all BonesÕ fault
youÕre going.Ó He handed her the
padd. ÒHave fun. The shuttle leaves in two hours.Ó
ÒI
officially hate you.Ó
He
laughed. ÒYeah, tell me that when
you get back.Ó He waggled his
eyebrows at her until she laughed too.
As
he walked away, she murmured, ÒThank you.Ó
ÒYouÕre
welcome,Ó he said, one last smile back at her as he left sickbay.
As
soon as she could, she went to go pack.
##
Spock
sat quietly on the shuttle, reading something apparently scintillating,
ignoring her as effectively as heÕd ever done. Jim had thought he was more open?
Jim
was an idiot.
No,
Jim was a hopeless romantic. She
was the idiot for believing he might be right.
ÒThis
conference should be interesting,Ó she said, trying to keep her voice as
professional as possible.
ÒYes,Ó
Spock said. Man of many words that
he was.
ÒIÕm
especially interested in the biochemical fusion panel. McReedy is a
hero of mine.Ó
ÒHis
arguments are not always fully realized.
I have found him marginal at best.Ó
So
much for her heroes.
ÒWho
do you prefer on the panel?Ó
He
turned to look at her. ÒI do not
wish to skew your opinion. I
believe I will continue reading rather than bias you with a discussion of the
scientists I find most credible.Ó
Wow. He could make ignoring her
come out as an altruistic act. It
was a gift.
ÒNo
problem. Very logical.Ó She decided to ignore Spock right back
and catch up on the medical journals she subscribed to but never had time to
read.
It
was a game plan, but it would have been better actualized if she hadnÕt stopped
reading every few minutes to see if Spock was paying attention to her. Any attention. Even a glance.
He
wasnÕt.
She
sighed and went back to reading.
She wasnÕt sure if the roiling feeling in her gut was due to anger over
the way he was ignoring her or embarrassment that here she was being ignored.
Possibly
a little of both.
She
sighed again.
ÒIs
something amiss, Doctor?Ó Spock did
not sound like he cared overmuch, probably believed it fell in his role as
senior officer to inquire.
ÒNo.Ó She put down her padd.
He
went back to his. So much for
conversation.
ÒDo
I need to apologize for coming, Spock?Ó
He
looked over at her, a question in his expression.
ÒLen
was supposed to come.Ó
ÒI
am aware of that.Ó
She
tried to ignore how he could make simple words into a verbal slap.
ÒHe
didnÕt want to. CouldnÕt get
away. Or something.Ó
Spock
looked like he was wondering if there was a point looming in the vicinity. She was starting to wonder that, too.
ÒAnyway,
I wonÕt...pester you. So you can
stop trying to ignore me.Ó
He
slowly raised an eyebrow. ÒI
believe I was ignoring you. There
was no ÔtryÕ involved.Ó
She
did her best to not react. ÒMy
mistake.Ó
He
turned away, back to the padd that was apparently so much more interesting than
she was.
It
was going to be a very long conference.
##
The
conference proved to be fun.
SpockÕs contribution to ChapelÕs fun was—not surprisingly, after
the shuttle ride from hell--nill. He went his way; she went hers. And hers involved two scientists who
were particularly taken with her thoughts on biochem. Or maybe they just liked her boobs. Either way, their attention felt good
after the shuttle ride with the Man of Ice. They liked her, they thought she was
pretty, and they wanted to have sex with her.
At
the same time. Which was something
sheÕd never done before, but it was amazing how many things you could do with
enough alcohol and Vulcan rejection spurring you on.
At
the end of the day, theyÕd been what she needed. Even if thinking about what sheÕd done
with them made her blush.
Most
importantly, theyÕd kept her away from Spock. When she saw him in a conference room or
the dining room, she made sure she and her new friends sat on the other side of
the room. Spock returned the favor
with apparent relief.
She
saw him in the dining room on the closing night of the conference. Her new bed-friends had left that
morning, leaving her a little adrift.
SheÕd had some drinks—well, actually, sheÕd had a lot of drinks
and was poised on the Òprobably will regret this night in the morningÓ abyss.
Spock
made the mistake of meeting her eyes when he came into the room. He gave her a brief nod before he fled
to the far end of the gigantic ballroom.
She
followed him, plopped herself down in the seat next to him, and said, ÒYou
never call, you never write, whereÕs the love?Ó
It
made no sense. But sheÕd always
wanted to say it to him. And now
she was finally drunk enough to do it.
ÒDoctor.Ó
ÒCommander.Ó She leaned in. ÒYou are not very nice.Ó She pitched her voice low. She wanted to say some things to him;
she did not, however, want to make a scene.
ÒPerhaps
not, but I am, at least, sober.Ó
ÒOwwwwwwwww.
Score one for the surly science officer.Ó She leaned back in the chair, getting
comfy. ÒHow much will you pay me to
move?Ó
He
glanced over at her, and she laughed.
ÒIÕm
kidding. All the money in the world
couldnÕt make me move right now.Ó
He
gave her the Vulcan equivalent of a shrug and stood. ÒIf you will excuse me.Ó
He
walked out of the ballroom, and she followed him.
ÒMiss
Chapel, you are behaving foolishly.Ó
ÒI
was an idiot to listen to him.Ó
ÒTo
listen to whom?Ó
ÒJim.Ó She said KirkÕs first name as if it was
a weapon, saw him frown at the familiarity. ÒWe got close, you know. On Earth, while you were at Gol.Ó
ÒI
see.Ó
ÒNo,
you donÕt. I donÕt mean
groin-close.Ó
ÒAh.Ó He moved off, and she followed him
again.
ÒHe
said you were open to...possibilities.Ó
Spock
gave her the coldest look sheÕd ever gotten from him. ÒHe was mistaken, Christine. Now, if you will excuse me.Ó
She
reached out, stopped him. ÒWhat did
I do? What could I have possibly
done in the two months since VÕger? Why are you treating me like IÕm a
walking plague host?Ó
ÒChristine,
please, you are embarrassing both of us.Ó
The look on his face was actually full of sympathy rather than
distaste. As if she was pitiful.
As
if she was pathetic.
She
looked down. She goddamned was pathetic.
She
suddenly felt sick and ran for the ladiesÕ room. She made it just in time.
He
was gone when she finally came out.
Thank
God for small mercies.
##
She
found him near the shuttle departure lounge the next day. He looked at her warily.
ÒIÕm
very, very sorry, sir.Ó She tried
her best to look like a real Fleeter.
Not some silly grad student whoÕd signed on to find her fiancŽ and never
changed over the years.
ÒIt
is...forgotten.Ó
ÒI...I
wasnÕt think—Ò
ÒChristine,
I said it was forgotten. Perhaps
you could stop while you are ahead?Ó
She
nodded and fled, knowing that this was as good as she was going to get from
him.
She
stayed a bit behind him as they boarded, chose a seat well away, and followed
him off at the transfer station, keeping distance between them, which he seemed
to appreciate—or at least not mind.
They
were the only two on the shuttle headed to the starbase
where the Enterprise would pick them
up. She didnÕt meet his eyes as she
tried to give him privacy in the small ship.
But
then the shuttle lurched and she grabbed the armrests and looked over at
him. ÒTurbulence? Ion storm?Ó Please, God, give her something.
ÒI
will find out.Ó He started to rise,
but was thrown back into his seat when the ship took what had to be a hit from
a weapon of some kind.
She
heard the shuttle pilot say something about irreparable hull damage, saw him
sucked out of a widening hole in the viewscreen just
before everything disappeared and the familiar hum of a transporter took her
and Spock.
She
was breathing hard when they materialized in what seemed like the lobby of a
large building. Comfortable chairs
and tables were scattered all over.
Aliens sat in them, drinking beverages of dull colors.
Another
alien stood before them. He fired a
weapon at them and Chapel fell to the ground, screaming in agony as piercing
energy, like the older, meaner brother of an electric shock, raced through her
body.
Spock
didnÕt scream—or at least she couldnÕt hear him over her own cries. Then the pain stopped and she looked up
at the alien.
ÒA
little demonstration. That was on
the lowest setting. Do you
understand?Ó
She
nodded, didnÕt turn to see if Spock was nodding too.
The
aliens gestured for them to come with him.
Two others—guards she guessed by their uniforms—fell in line
behind them. What had seemed like a
hotel or office building quickly changed once they got out of the front
room. Pens and enclosures were
built along several hallways.
Artificial light, humidity, and warmth made each area distinct. Inside the pens were two people—or
creatures, most werenÕt species sheÕd even seen before. In many of the pens, the two people were
having sex. Aliens were gathered at
the ledges to watch.
ÒItÕs
a zoo,Ó she murmured. An x-rated zoo.
ÒQuite
so,Ó the alien said. He stopped in
front of an empty enclosure. ÒYou
two have barely made eye contact.
Am I correct in assuming you are not already in a sexual relationship?Ó
Oh,
God, did she have an answer for that.
But she held her tongue and let Spock take the lead.
ÒYou
are correct.Ó
The
alien nodded. ÒI would guess that
you two do not even like each other very much.Ó
Spock
didnÕt correct him by telling him like was an emotion. She looked down so her eyes would not
betray how she felt about Spock and about herself.
ÒWe
have had humans here before, but a Vulcan is new for us. So the choice will be yours since we
want you to perform at your peak. If you choose not to mate with the human
female, we will endeavor to find a Vulcan female who will appeal more. The human female will be given to a Doravian male who has been mateless
for a while.Ó The keeper hit a
button on a display padd, and Chapel turned away in horror. ÒThe Doravian
is not so choosy. He is, however,
somewhat hard on his mates.Ó
There
wasnÕt a word for what that thing was doing to the Cardassian
whoÕd been thrown in with him.
She
realized Spock had stepped between her and the screen, had backed up, even, and
was nearly touching her. Was he
protecting her?
ÒI
will take her. Do not give her to
him.Ó
The
keeper gave Spock a hard stare. ÒWe
will remove her from your enclosure if we believe you are not fully investing
your energy.Ó
ÒUnderstood.Ó Again he backed up.
Chapel
peeked around him. ÒDo I get a say
in this?Ó
ÒNo,Ó
the keeper and Spock answered in unison.
ÒSwell.Ó
Spock
turned to look at her. ÒDo you
prefer that?Ó He gestured with his
chin to the video that was mercifully on pause, but not so mercifully stuck on
a rather horrible moment.
ÒOf
course not. But...I know you donÕt
want to.Ó She looked down. ÒAnd I want you to know that you donÕt
have to.Ó
ÒI
most assuredly do.Ó He tipped her
chin up. ÒFor a fellow crewmate.Ó
She
nodded, felt her mouth tighten.
ÒCan
you imagine the lecture I would get from Doctor McCoy if I did not? Let alone Jim.Ó
She
looked away as he released her chin, but didnÕt argue with him.
ÒIt
is settled, then?Ó The keeper was
smiling beatifically, as if they had a real choice in this.
ÒIt
is settled.Ó
The
keeper nodded and hit a button on his belt and a transporter took them,
depositing them inside a rock enclosure.
A moat divided them from where several aliens were standing at the
railing watching them.
She
moved closer to Spock, saw one of the aliens point and say something to its
companion. ÒAre they serious? We have to have sex?Ó
ÒI
am afraid so.Ó Spock moved her
gently in the other direction.
A
bundle of cushions was the only furniture in the room. She sat on them; they were surprisingly
comfortable.
He
sat next to her. ÒOur audience is
increasing.Ó
She
looked over. The number of people
watching them was steadily growing.
ÒAnd soon theyÕll be restless.Ó
She swallowed, harder than she meant to. ÒIs there anything I should do to help
get you...? I mean, I know IÕve
never been what you want and I—Ò
It
was his lips on hers that shut her up.
His lips softly and surely and rather boldly on hers. He pulled her closer, his mouth
opening. She moaned as she opened
hers and let him in. Moaned even
more as he pulled her so she was straddling him, her back to the crowd.
He
eased away, gently stroking the hair off her face. ÒPlease relax.Ó
ÒRight,
because relaxing before having sex in front of strangers is my natural response
to this. VÕger
must have left you really horny.
Any port in the storm.Ó She
didnÕt look away, knew what sheÕd said was crass and didnÕt care. She had to get this out there. He could not kiss her that way and let
her think he cared.
ÒYou
want me. Is that not why you came
to the conference?Ó
She
looked away.
ÒDo
not lie, Christine. You loved me once;
you love me still.Ó
ÒNothing
wrong with your ego.Ó
ÒMy
ego has nothing to do with it. Jim
did you no favors sending you with me.
I am not, in fact, sure what he was thinking.Ó
ÒWell,
that makes two of us.Ó
He
seemed to be studying her. ÒYour feelings
for me aside, you are different than before. Your appearance, I mean. Such simple hair. Very little makeup. No artifice.Ó
She
shrugged. ÒWhat did artifice ever
do for me?Ó
ÒYou
are more attractive this way.Ó He
pulled her to him, then stopped before they made contact. ÒKiss me.Ó
ÒYou
want me to kiss you?Ó
ÒYes,
I want you to kiss me.
I believe it will make sexual congress easier for both of us if I am not
the one to initiate everything.Ó
It
was logical if somewhat cold. She
leaned in, touching down lightly, trying to make it the best kiss of her
life. By the way he clutched at
her, she thought she might have succeeded.
There
was a collective sigh from the crowd.
Chapel realized she was blushing deeply. SpockÕs lips curled upward.
ÒDonÕt
you find this disconcerting?Ó she murmured.
ÒTo
say the least. An audience is not
welcome. Kissing you, however, I do
not find disconcerting.Ó
ÔAre
you going to do more?Ó
ÒKiss
you more? Or do more than kissing?Ó
ÒYes.Ó She smiled, could tell it was a silly
smile. God damn it. A few great kisses and she was smitten
again.
Right. Like sheÕd ever stopped being smitten.
ÒI
intend to do both.Ó He eased her
top off. ÒI am sorry—you did
not have a choice in this. I made
the decision for us both.Ó
ÒThis
is definitely preferable to being ripped apart.Ó
His
look grew serious, stormy almost.
ÒI would not have let that happen to you.Ó
ÒI
know. Starfleet invested a lot in
me. WouldnÕt want to waste
resources.Ó
He
was staring at her cleavage. ÒThat
is, of course, an excellent point.
But that is not why I did it.Ó
Her bra followed her shirt to the floor.
ÒAre
you preserving my modesty?Ó She
smiled at the thought.
ÒThose
watching us do not seem to mind that your back is to them.Ó He buried his face in her chest, doing
some extremely forward things given that this was their first real date.
She
closed her eyes and rode out the sensations. She wasnÕt going to complain that he was
rushing things.
The
sound of their audience brought her back to reality. ÒSpock, this is too weird.Ó
He
took a deep breath and pulled away from her, meeting her eyes. ÒGiven that they will separate us and
potentially injure or kill you if we do not comply, I see no logic in not continuing.Ó
She
suddenly understood SarekÕs comment about marrying
Amanda. These boys could torture
logic until it equaled sex every time.
ÒStill.
With someone watching...Ó
His
face seemed to get colder. ÒDoctors
Handerson and DÕVal do not
count, I take it?Ó
She
could feel the blush starting.
ÒYour
friends at the conference. I saw
you with them, Christine. It was
very clear what was going on.Ó
Oh
God.
ÒYou
were with both of them, were you
not? I am relatively certain that at
some point during your activities, you were watched by one of them.Ó
ÒWhat
I did with them is none of your business.Ó
ÒAgreed. Except that I find your argument about
sex in front of observers spurious.Ó
ÒThereÕs
a difference between sex in front of another lover and sex in front of a crowd
of aliens.Ó
ÒI
will concede that point.Ó
ÒAnd
for the record, I donÕt do that kind of thing normally. I was upset and they made me feel
attractive. Desirable.Ó
ÒI
have never said you were not desirable, Christine.Ó Spock went back to what heÕd been doing,
small sucking noises accompanying the feel of his lips on her breasts and the
gentle rub of his hands on her back.
Her bare back.
She
wasnÕt sure how to follow up his last statement, so she settled for, ÒYouÕre
overdressed.Ó She was tired of
being the only naked Starfleet officer in the zoo.
He
mumbled something she took to be agreement, and let her pull off his
shirt. She ran her hands over his
shoulders and heard him moan softly.
Much better.
She
almost forgot they had an audience as he pulled her in for another kiss, as he
eased her back on the cushions and drew off her pants and underwear, then shed
his own.
ÒThis
is not how I pictured this,Ó she said as he stared down at her.
He
did not answer.
ÒYou
havenÕt pictured this even once, have you?Ó
He
met her eyes. ÒOnce or twice. During my Pon
Farr.Ó
ÒThat
thing you said? Protesting against our natures?Ó
ÒYes. Please stop talking now.Ó And then he was with her, in her, not
hurrying despite the sounds coming from the crowd of aliens watching them. ÒTune them out, Christine.Ó
ÒNot
that easy.Ó She glanced toward the
crowd.
He
touched the side of her face, and she knew the contact would look like a
caress, but she felt more from it as he settled on the meld points, initiated a
light connection, then eased off again.
ÒI
do not want them knowing we can do this,Ó he whispered as he nuzzled her
ear. ÒBut if it will help you
focus, I will risk it.Ó
ÒOh,
suddenly, IÕm unfocused?Ó
ÒChristine. I am inside you. We are having sex. Please stop arguing with me.Ó He thrust a little harder than was
necessary, as if punctuating the request.
Between
his intensity and the focus provided by the extremely light meld, she managed
to tune the crowd out more effectively, giving herself up to what he was doing.
And doing.
And
doing.
Holy
crap, sex with Spock was utterly fantastic. Even if she felt as if her heart was
breaking in between the mind-numbing orgasms.
He
held her as they both came down from the incredible heights heÕd just taken
them to, and she blushed furiously at how much noise sheÕd made in front of
their adoring public.
ÒI
am pleased I could satisfy you,Ó Spock whispered in her ear.
She
rolled so she was cuddled against him, murmured, ÒWhat about you?Ó She kissed his cheek, then let her lips
stay pressed against him and heard him sigh softly.
ÒI
am quite content.Ó
ÒGood.Ó She opened her eyes. ÒContent is good, right? ThatÕs
not some Vulcan way of saying ÔNice try but no cigar,Õ is it?Ó
A
small puff of air—the closest she thought heÕd come to a laugh—was
her answer. Then he pulled her
closer. ÒContent is very, very
good, Christine.Ó
She
didnÕt think sheÕd fall asleep, buck naked and mooning the crowd, but Spock was
warm and his touch was soothing as he rubbed her back. She was gone in minutes.
He
woke her a while later with some bogus excuse of keeping the natives
amused. After her third orgasm, she
decided not to call him on it after all.
##
Sex
with Spock was amazing. Sex with
Spock was frequent.
Any
other time with Spock was boring the shit out of her.
Not
that he was boring. Not really, she
supposed. But he had managed to
open up to her physically while shutting down even more emotionally. And she would have bet he couldnÕt get
any more shut down.
Or
maybe he was just making the best of a bad situation. Maybe he didnÕt find her of any interest
when it came to talking about things that actually mattered.
Or
sort of mattered.
Or
didnÕt matter but might be interesting.
HeÕd
started meditating their first full day in the enclosure. The aliens clearly expected it now, so
if heÕd wanted the freedom to sit and zone out for hours on end, this was a
winning plan. Unfortunately one
that left her twisting in the wind since meditation was not something sheÕd
ever warmed to, and he clearly was not intent on sharing his bliss with her in
some partnersÕ meditation.
She
decided to work on her stretching exercises since there was nothing else to
do. Cardio would have been better
for her stress levels, but there was the whole bounce factor.
The
aliens had taken their clothes at some point their first night. Beamed them away, no doubt, and showed
no sign of being poised to give them any kind of replacements.
Not
even a fig leaf.
Spock
was meditating again now. He looked
very peaceful. She wanted to throw
something at him, but she forced herself to ignore the urge.
Finally,
he rose in one lithe movement and walked over to where she sat. He held out his hand.
ÒSex?Ó
He
frowned, probably at the way sheÕd made sex sound like something utterly
distasteful.
ÒIÕm...not
in the mood.Ó She kept her face
expressionless: a perfect Vulcan imitation.
His
eyebrows drew together.
ÒThis
isnÕt right, Spock. We eat, we
sleep, we fuck. Or we ignore each
other.Ó
ÒI...I
am sorry?Ó
ÒReally? You know what I am?Ó She reached out, let him pull her
up. ÒIÕm bored.Ó
ÒSex
with me bores you?Ó
ÒNo,
thatÕs the one part of this that doesnÕt bore me. But sitting around the rest of the time
bores me. YouÕre here, but youÕre a
million light years away.Ó
ÒI
am not.Ó
ÒYou
are. You donÕt meld with me the way
you did the first time. And when we
arenÕt having sex, we donÕt talk.Ó
ÒWe
donÕt know what intelligence the aliens might be collecting. This zoo may be
for more than just onlooker amusement.Ó
ÒWe
donÕt have to talk about work. My
God, do you have no imagination?Ó
She knew he did. He was a
virtuoso in the creativity department when it came to ways to make love.
Make
love? Is that even what they were
doing? Having sex. Screwing.
Fucking. She should call it what it was.
He
sighed. ÒWe need to have sex. They expect it.Ó
She
sighed, then whispered, ÒIÕm sorry.
IÕm not trying to be mean.
IÕm lonely and I shouldnÕt be, because youÕre right here.Ó
He
was especially sweet while they had sex.
He kissed her gently. He
stroked her cheek. He said he was
sorry.
And
then he went back to meditating.
And
she wondered who she had to screw around here—who else, clearly screwing
Spock was not going to get her anything—to get a drink.
##
It
had been ten days, ten days in SpockÕs arms. That would have been a fantasy of some
kind back in the day—back when she thought that being close meant just
that. That it meant knowing the
person. That sex would open doors,
not slam them shut. She shifted,
suddenly feeling trapped as he held her, post-orgasmic bliss apparently fully
functional for him but sadly lacking for her.
ÒAre
you all right?Ó he asked.
She
nodded.
ÒI did not hurt you?Ó
She
started to laugh, made herself stop.
Yes, heÕd hurt her. But not
during sex.
He
sighed. ÒEvery day you are more
distant.Ó
ÒMe? IÕm
more distant?Ó
He
nodded.
ÒThatÕs
a good one.Ó She tried to pull
away, was surprised when he held her fast.
She considered an all out tug-of-war to get free, but decided not to
give that to the aliens who still lined up to watch them.
He
finally eased his grip when she relaxed.
ÒI
just...Ó She swallowed hard. God damn it, what the hell was wrong
with her? First laughter, now tears
threatening. ÒI thought it would be
different.Ó
ÒIt?Ó
ÒThis. Being with you. I mean...you chose me.Ó
He
rolled onto his stomach and looked down at her, then lazily stroked her hair
off her cheek. ÒI saved you. And sex with you is certainly no
hardship.Ó His eyes changed, grew
harder. ÒBut, Christine. I did not choose you. I chose to
keep you alive by making you my mate for as long as we are in here, but I would
not have chosen you otherwise.Ó
It
should have hurt more, this brutal honesty, but it almost felt good as it tore
through any illusions she might still have had. ÒAnd thatÕs why you keep yourself apart? Even if weÕre joined so often
physically?Ó
ÒIt
is.Ó He looked away. ÒI am sorry, but there is a limit to
what I am willing to offer.Ó
ÒSo
this really is just sex?Ó
He
nodded.
ÒWhy
didnÕt you say that from the start?Ó
She tried to move away and he let her this time. ÒYou were so sweet that first time.Ó
ÒI
wanted to make this easy for you. I
do care for you, just not the way you want me to. And...Ó
ÒAnd...?Ó
ÒAnd
I thought feelings might grow. I
did not want to rule that possibility out.Ó
ÒBut
they havenÕt?Ó
He
shook his head.
ÒAnd
tell me, Mister ÔFeelings Might GrowÕ when were they supposed to blossom? Was that during your interminable and
silent mediations? Or when you were
sleeping? Or was it during the
magical fucking that you were going to fall in love with me?Ó
He
looked away. Her voice had risen
too much at that last part; the aliens were looking intrigued.
ÒEveryone
knows not to trust an ÔI love youÕ delivered with an orgasm, Spock. Why donÕt you know that?Ó She took a deep breath, forced herself
not to get up and pace but to calm and center. ÒYou have to get to know someone to love
them. But you didnÕt even give me a
chance. Why?Ó
He
seemed unable to meet her eyes.
ÒIt
doesnÕt matter. Forget I
asked.Ó She got up slowly, tried to
make her leaving look as casual as possible. Her leaving that would only take her to
the corner of their enclosure, barely enough room to catch her breath much less
process this in private like she wished she could. ÒGive a holler when you want to fuck
again.Ó
He
seemed to wince at that.
Good.
##
More
days passed, then weeks. She and
Spock fell into an uneasy coexistence, carving out privacy when and where they
could, having sex or interacting in other, less interesting ways for the onlookers
the rest of the time. At least they
were clean now. Early into their
captivity, they had woken to find their captors had installed bathroom
facilities in a private corner and an outdoor shower with soap—perhaps
their adoring audience had complained about the stench.
ÒHow
long has it been?Ó she asked softly as she lay in his arms, trying to ignore
the crowd that watched them.
ÒEighty
days.Ó
She
rested her forehead against his chest, said, ÒTheyÕre not coming, are
they? They arenÕt going to find
us.Ó She hoped the words were
muffled, that he wouldnÕt know she was giving up hope.
He
exhaled slowly. ÒI had thought Jim
would have found us by now.Ó
ÒYou
and me both.Ó She met his
eyes. There was a distinct lack of
hope in his expression. Then again,
he didnÕt tend to look all that hopeful most of the time, so what did she
know? ÒHeÕll never stop looking for
us, Spock.Ó
ÒI
know. But we may be hidden better
than even he can find.Ó
ÒThereÕs
something we need to talk about, Spock.Ó
She took a deep breath. ÒMy
yearly contraceptive is due for renewal in a month. Do you think—I mean if weÕre still
here—that we should be worried about this?Ó
ÒYou
mean that you might conceive?Ó
She
nodded.
ÒI
have never had occasion to find out if I am sterile or not. I am a hybrid. It is possible we would not be
compatible without intervention.Ó
ÒYouÕre
half human and IÕm human. Odds are
pretty good that if you were going to get someone pregnant, it would be a human
or a Vulcan.Ó She smiled
tightly. ÒOr were you trying to
look on the bright side until it happened?Ó
He
shrugged, something she was not sure sheÕd ever seen him do.
ÒIÕm
sorry I had to bring this up.
But...Ó
ÒUnderstood.Ó
She
started to get up but he didnÕt let her go. ÒYou want me to stay?Ó
ÒFor
a while. I am tired.Ó
She
brushed back his hair, which was longer than heÕd ever allowed it to get on the
ship. ÒYouÕre tired of being here,
you mean? Tired of being trapped. Tired of me, I imagine.Ó
ÒI
donÕt know that the last part is true.Ó
ÒWhich
means you donÕt know that it isnÕt.Ó
She curled against him. ÒI
used to have fantasies about this kind of thing.Ó She laughed, a bitter sound. ÒYou and I trapped alone, forced to do
this. I thought it would
be...romantic.Ó She kissed his
cheek. ÒI was an idiot.Ó
ÒPerhaps
with a human it would be. Perhaps
even with a different Vulcan it would be.Ó
ÒYou
mean if I was with someone who actually cared about me.Ó She put her finger over his lips when he
seemed about to try to answer.
ÒDonÕt. I donÕt want you to
lie, and I canÕt bear the truth.Ó
He
nodded, and she lifted her finger, moved it instead to trace along his
cheek. He closed his eyes, was soon
asleep, and she wished she could follow him into slumber but it was far away.
She
settled for watching over him—it was so rare that he let his defenses
down like this and really allowed himself to sleep.
##
Chapel
was sitting at the edge of the enclosure.
By her count, her yearly contraceptive should have run out forty days
ago if SpockÕs count was accurate, and she had no reason to think it
wasnÕt. It was a menstrual
suppressant as well. Her period
should have started at least two weeks ago, but so far it had not.
And
sheÕd thrown up breakfast. She
never threw up.
She
heard Spock approaching, got up but couldnÕt meet his eyes. ÒIÕm sorry.Ó
ÒFor
what? For giving me a child?Ó
ÒHardly
the mother youÕd have selected.Ó
ÒScarcely
the point at this juncture.Ó He put
his arm around her, led her back to the cushions. ÒWe need to tell the aliens.Ó
ÒYes,
we do. ThereÕs a whole list of
things IÕll require as a human. Are
there special nutrients a Vulcan baby will need?Ó
He
nodded.
She
started to laugh. ÒWhen I was with
Roger, he wanted a whole house full of kids. I never did. IÕm not cut out to be a mom, Spock.Ó
ÒI
have seen you care for others. You
will be an excellent mother.Ó
ÒWhat
if IÕm not? WeÕre all our child
will have. Stuck in this god-awful
place. With us.Ó She sighed. ÒWhat kind of sick life is that?Ó
ÒWe
did not choose this. And there was
no way to prevent it. Other than to
not have sex and if we had done that, they would have separated us. This is...Ó
ÒUnfortunate?Ó
He
actually looked appalled. ÒThis is
our child, Christine. Unfortunate
is not a word I would apply to him or her.Ó
She
felt her face grow hot, looked away.
ÒI didnÕt mean it that way.Ó
Spock
turned them away from the crowds, toward the back of the enclosure where food
and water appeared. He put his hand
on ChapelÕs belly, said softly, ÒCaptors, hear me. I know you listen to us. I know you watch us. She is with child. It is a high-risk birth. We will need supplements, additional
nutrients.Ó
A
padd suddenly appeared before them.
On it was written, ÒDetail your requirements. We are pleased by this news.Ó
ÒYay,Ó
she said, staring at the padd as he began to list what they needed. ÒThey are pleased. We breed well in captivity.Ó
He
ignored her, kept listing items.
ÒPut
down that as the pregnancy progresses IÕll require additional items. That weÕll need a padd each day to
detail these changing needs.Ó
ÒThat
may be pushing it.Ó
ÒYou
tell that to angry pregnant me when IÕm eight months along and canÕt see my own
feet and want ice cream.Ó
Spock
added the additional note, then he set the padd down and it disappeared. He rubbed her back gently, then left her
to go meditate.
She
stared down at her stomach, trying not to cry. What the hell had they done to deserve
this?
##
Chapel
lay curled on the cushions, trying not to throw up, her back to the crowd that
was watching. Spock came over with
water and sat down next to her.
ÒI
wish they would go away.Ó
ÒYou
have wished that for the last two months.Ó
He let his hand drift from her side to her belly, his face going still,
in a way it only did when he was touching her this way.
He
already loved his child more than he would ever love her. She swallowed hard, tried to not let
that hurt—tried to not let that taint her feelings for the child.
He
lay down next to her. ÒThe morning
sickness will pass soon.Ó
She
nodded. ÒFirst trimester is the
worst. ThatÕs what the textbooks
say. We never had much call to use
those textbooks on a starship though.Ó
ÒYou
need to teach me what to do.Ó
ÒWe
have time.Ó She leaned in, kissed
him slowly. ÒThis was an old
fantasy, too. I never factored in
the nausea.Ó
His
lips ticked up. ÒSo many dreams
quashed.Ó
ÒYep.Ó She put her hand over his where it lay
on her belly. ÒCan you sense anything
from it?Ó
ÒNo.Ó He put his other hand over hers. ÒIt gives me pleasure to do this. A rather primitive pleasure, I have to
admit. You are mine and the way
your stomach swells is evidence that my child is inside you.Ó
Once
upon a time, that would have thrilled her beyond words. Now she just nodded and closed her
eyes. ÒTell them I want mango.Ó
ÒAre
you not allergic to mango?Ó
ÒI
am. I guess the babyÕs not,
though.Ó She frowned. ÒHow do you know that?Ó
ÒI
am unsure.Ó He sighed. ÒPerhaps I overheard you at a party?Ó
ÒProbably. I doubt you went through my personnel
file to find out my likes, dislikes, and allergies. Unless you were planning to off me in a
nice safe way—get rid of your stalker once and for all.Ó
ÒI
was not.Ó
She
smiled slightly. ÒI didnÕt really
think you were.Ó She closed her
eyes. ÒDo you think I could eat it
if the baby wants it?Ó As a doctor
she knew the answer; she just wanted to see what heÕd say.
ÒI
think it best you do not risk it.Ó
ÒBecause
you care about me as a person or only as the incubator of your son or
daughter?Ó
He
seemed unsure how to answer that.
She
laughed, an expulsion of air that held a world of bitterness in it. ÒNever mind. I already know the answer to that.Ó
##
Five
months into her pregnancy, the sickness had finally passed, and so had the
cravings for things that might kill her.
Chapel settled down next to Spock, began to nuzzle his neck. New kinds of cravings filled her and he
sighed in what she was learning was a sound of good-humored puzzlement.
ÒAgain,
Christine?Ó
ÒMmm-hmmmm.Ó She
moved so she was nibbling on his ears, something he seemed to enjoy rather a
lot—until it became too intense and he had to pull her away. Like right...now.
She
laughed as he pulled her around and kissed her.
ÒYou
are beautiful.Ó
ÒI
think you like me better pregnant than not.Ó She kissed him softly, to show him it
was okay if that was the case.
ÒIt
is not just that you are carrying my childÓ—he ran his hand over her
belly—Òit is that you seem happy for the first time.Ó
ÒHappy
in here?Ó
ÒHappy
with me.Ó
She
brushed his hair out of his eyes.
ÒI love you.Ó
ÒLoving
me does not automatically translate to being happy with me.Ó He ran his fingers down her cheek. ÒThere are times I wish it did.Ó
ÒI
bet there are. IÕm not the little
doormat you thought I was, am I?Ó
She laughed and caught his lip between her teeth, not biting down hard,
but holding on.
He
held very still and she let go. ÒI
never thought you were that. I just
thought you were more...Ó
ÒStable?Ó
ÒSanguine.Ó
ÒOh,
because one of us has to be cheerful?Ó
She kissed him, let him turn her so she was facing away from him as he
pulled her onto his lap. ÒMaybe if
we werenÕt in here, IÕd be cheerful.
But if we werenÕt in here, you wouldnÕt be with me.Ó
She
leaned her head back, rode him as he moved her gently. He was always careful now, indulging her
but never losing control. He
reached around—soon she would be too big for him to do that—and sent
her over the edge, following her a moment later.
As
she lay against his chest, she felt their child begin to kick. She reached for his hand, put it on her
belly. ÒDo you think our baby is
objecting?Ó
ÒI
highly doubt it. Given that it is
our child and we enjoy doing it.
Although it is possible we woke him or her up, and these are protest
kicks.Ó
ÒLittle
terror.Ó A particularly strong kick
seemed to confirm the label. ÒWe
havenÕt talked about names, Spock.Ó
ÒIt
is time we did.Ó
She
nodded, started to get up but he held her against him. ÒArenÕt I too heavy?Ó
ÒNo.Ó He kissed her neck. ÒI am content this way.Ó
ÒMmmmm.Ó
ÒI
have been thinking about the names.
Would it please you to combine traditions? To honor your parents but follow Vulcan
naming practices? Mix the two?Ó
ÒIt
would be nice to honor the lost. I
miss my parents. Our children will
never know them.Ó She laid her hand
over his. ÒThey were rushing to get
to work. Always rushing to get to
work. That was what I grew up with
Spock. I came home from high school
and they were gone. They picked the
wrong flitter.Ó She was seventeen,
had to successfully appeal for emancipation—from dead parents—so
she could be her own guardian for the five months until she was of age. ÒI was alone.Ó
ÒYou
felt lost. Abandoned.Ó
She
nodded. ÒYouÕve never felt that
way, have you? You always had your
parents.Ó
ÒYes,
they were always there.
But...Ó He took a deep
breath. ÒWhat I wish to tell you
about is not spoken of in my house, Christine. It is forbidden.Ó
She
waited.
ÒI
had a half brother. Sybok. A brother I admired greatly. He believed in embracing emotion and was
disgraced and exiled from Vulcan.
Never to be spoken of again in our family—a thing of shame. I missed him when he was gone. He was a buffer between my father and
me. Once he was gone, all of my
fatherÕs hopes fell on me—hopes I continually disappointed.Ó
ÒIÕm
sorry.Ó She squeezed his hand
gently. ÒWeÕll do better with our
child.Ó She felt the oddness of that
statement. In this zoo, of course
they would. But outside? They wouldnÕt even be parents if theyÕd
never been in this place. And if
they ever got out? Would Spock even
stay with her once the child was born?
This might be the longest conversation theyÕd ever had.
ÒWhat
are you thinking about?Ó His hand
pushed a little harder into her belly.
ÒSad
things. IÕll stop.Ó She took a deep breath. ÒSo, names? How would you spin Samantha into
Vulcan?Ó
ÒTÕSamra
would be the closest equivalent. If
our child is female.Ó
ÒThatÕs
pretty.Ó She started to laugh. ÒGood luck with Lloyd for a boyÕs
name.Ó She turned to look at him. ÒIf our child is a boy, we could call
him Sybok. Then your family would
have to speak of him.Ó
ÒIt
is an appealing thought. But
perhaps not wise. I will consider
ways to make Lloyd work.Ó
ÒWhatever
you think best.Ó She decided not to
say that odds were against Sarek ever knowing he had a grandchild, much less
what he or she was named.
##
Chapel
paced the enclosure, trying to resist the urge to kick Spock where he was
meditating. She was in active labor
and he was goddamn meditating?
Never
mind that sheÕd told him to. Did he
really think sheÕd meant it?
She
moaned as another contraction came right after the last one.
ÒChristine,
I am having no success in this exercise.
Are you sure there is nothing I can do?Ó
ÒYes,
there is something you can do. Get
up and help me.Ó
He
got up but once he got to her, he was clearly at a loss as to what to do to
assist. She didnÕt have many
suggestions either as she paced. He
tried to take her arm, but she shook him off.
ÒJust
walk with me.Ó
He
began to murmur words of encouragement that she was pretty sure he must have
picked up long ago from some Starfleet officer training class. ÒExcellent work. Your progress is remarkable. You are a wonderful example.Ó
ÒSpock,
shut up.Ó
He
seemed grateful to stop the affirmations.
Suddenly,
another contraction rocked her and she stopped, let him support her as she
slipped to a crouch, then sat back.
The
crowd watching oohed and ahhed.
ÒI
hate them so much right now.Ó
ÒIgnore
them.Ó He eased her to the side, so
she was facing away even more from the onlookers. ÒYou said you could not push until
dilation reached ten centimeters, correct?Ó
She
nodded. ÒI really want to
push. Can I push now?Ó
ÒI
do not think so.Ó
ÒYou
do not think so? You figure everything to the fifth
decimal place, Spock. Am I dilated
to ten centimeters or not?Ó
ÒNo.Ó
ÒDamn
it.Ó Another contraction shook her
and she yelled at the ceiling. ÒIn
our hospitals, if youÕre going for realism, we have drugs. Really good drugs.Ó She looked at Spock. ÒI want some drugs, Spock. No one should have to do this without
drugs.Ó
He
pitched his voice very low. ÒI
would meld with you but I do not know what that would do to the child.Ó
And
God forbid he think of her if their child might suffer. Oh shit, she didnÕt mean
that...exactly. It was
just—would he meld with the child if it would harm her? Somehow she didnÕt think that would be
such a tough choice.
ÒI
hate you, Spock,Ó she said as another contraction tore through her and she
ripped at the grass. ÒCan I please
fucking push?Ó
ÒNo.Ó He held on to her knees, squeezed
gently. ÒTry the breathing
exercises you had us work on.Ó
ÒYou
try the breathing exercises I had us work on. IÕm in agony here.Ó
ÒChristine,
please.Ó He actually started to
pant the way sheÕd shown him and he looked so stupid doing it she had to join
in.
For
a moment, there was some relief, and then another contraction started and she
gave up panting, said, ÒPlease, please, please, please.Ó
ÒNow,
you can push now. Go gently.Ó
She
pushed, trying to remember to use her lower body, not her upper, moaned when
she felt the baby finally moving.
She
met his eyes, could not tell what he was feeling. ÒIs the head clear?Ó
He
nodded. ÒThe neck is free of the
cord. You can keep pushing.Ó
ÒMake
sure the nose and mouth is clear.Ó
ÒThe
baby is fine. You are doing very
well, Christine.Ó
The
rest of the delivery went quickly, and Spock handed her the child, said softly,
ÒWe have a daughter, Christine,Ó as she put the child to her breast and prayed
the baby would figure out what to do because she was too exhausted to help her.
Her
child had one hell of a survival instinct.
Nursing was not the blissful experience Chapel had imagined. But she closed her eyes and smiled at
Spock. ÒTÕSamra?Ó
He
nodded. Then he let her nurse in
peace, rubbed her stomach gently the way she had shown him until the placenta
was expelled and let her see it to make sure nothing had been left behind.
ÒI
should be okay.Ó She handed him the
baby, cut the cord with the instruments the aliens had left
them—instruments she knew would be gone again soon—and waited while
Spock cleaned TÕSamra up and wrapped her in the diapers Chapel had insisted the
aliens give them and the swaddling blanket.
They
might have to run around naked, but she was not going to be peed and pooped on
willy nilly.
And somehow she had gotten that through to the aliens.
Spock
put the baby on the mattress, then brought a fresh towel over to Chapel,
cleaning her up gently before lifting her in his arms and carrying her to the
mattress. He put the now sleeping
baby in her arms, made a nest of pillows under her so the baby wouldnÕt fall if
she fell asleep, and Chapel smiled at him.
And
she saw something in his eyes, something she wasnÕt sure how to classify.
ÒYouÕre
good at this daddy thing.Ó
He
touched her cheek. ÒGo to
sleep. You are exhausted.Ó
##
Chapel
couldnÕt say she was one of those women who took to motherhood overnight. While she felt the bond sheÕd heard so
much about with TÕSamra, she still was aware of how very ÒotherÓ her baby was,
how much she didnÕt know about what to do with one. SheÕd never had any siblings, never
babysat when she was young, and taking care of TÕSamra seemed like learning
everything by doing it wrong.
Fortunately
the baby was a solemn little thing who seemed only interested in nursing,
sleeping, and pooping and wasnÕt much interested in crying all the time. Maybe that was the Vulcan quarter of
her.
Spock
on the other hand, seemed to take to fatherhood like it was a new science
discipline. He would take the baby
from her, walking around the enclosure, speaking softly to TÕSamra in
Vulcan—so softly ChapelÕs universal translator couldnÕt make out the
words. On good days, Chapel
pretended he was telling their daughter nice things about her. On not so good days, she thought his
conversations were more like, ÒThat, TÕSamra, is your mother. She is of substandard intelligence and
beauty. If we ever escape this
place, I will endeavor to locate a more appropriate maternal figure for you.Ó
He
was good at changing the baby, good at bathing her. HeÕd probably be better at nursing her,
too, if he could only lactate.
Chapel wouldnÕt mind a break; her breasts were aching and she felt fat
and unattractive. She knew
post-partum depression was common, knew that their surroundings didnÕt help her
state of mind, but found it difficult to find a happy place.
When
Spock came sniffing around for sex, she didnÕt find it hard to turn him
down. He let it go, but gently made
overtures the next week, and the next.
ÒThey
will expect us to resume,Ó he finally said, a month and a half after the birth.
ÒToo
damn bad. IÕm not ready.Ó
ÒAre
you all right? Are you still
sore?Ó He began to knead her
stomach, his look worried.
She
pushed his hand away. ÒStop
it. YouÕll get some when IÕm
ready.Ó
ÒChristine,
I am merely concerned that you may be suffering adverse effects from delivery.Ó
She
closed her eyes, forced herself not to break down in tears, which is what she
wanted to do. It was just new
mother blues. She had to ride it
out. ÒHold me,Ó she whispered.
He
drew her into his arms, then eased her down onto the mattress, till they were
lying next to the nest sheÕd made for the baby, where TÕSamra was sleeping
happily. He lay behind Chapel,
running his hand down her side, and she finally felt herself relaxing, possibly
for the first time since sheÕd gone into labor.
He
kissed her neck gently, not a sexual kiss, just affectionate, and she stretched
a little, so heÕd have more of her to kiss. He took advantage of that, touching down
gently, murmuring that he had missed holding her.
The
baby began to fuss slightly and they froze, then Chapel laughed silently as the
baby went back to sleep, as Spock went back to kissing her neck.
Chapel
studied her daughter, really looking at her. ÒSheÕs beautiful, isnÕt she?Ó
ÒShe
is. She looks like you.Ó
ÒI
think she looks like you.Ó
ÒShe
has your eyes. And your lips.Ó
ÒYour
ears.Ó She smiled when he nipped
her. ÒAnd eyebrows. And skintone.Ó
ÒOur
features come together most agreeably on her.Ó
ÒThey
do.Ó She turned in his arms, slid
her leg over his, smiled when he lifted an eyebrow.
ÒDo
you want to...?Ó he asked. ÒI
thought...?Ó
She
nodded and leaned in, kissing him gently, and he kissed her back the same way,
keeping their touches easy and sweet.
It wasnÕt until her kisses became more passionate, that he reached
between them, touching her the way she liked, getting her ready. She shifted and he moved and then they
were together.
ÒIf
anyone watching wakes up the baby, IÕll kill them,Ó she whispered as they moved
slowly.
ÒI
will help you,Ó he said, his eyes half lidded.
ÒIÕm
sorry IÕve been distant. IÕve
been...Ó
ÒSad. I know. IÕve sensed it. Is it the baby?Ó
ÒNot
her. But having her. It happens for some humans.Ó She could feel herself beginning the
long slow climb and she closed her eyes.
ÒIÕll try harder.Ó
ÒI
will try harder, too. You are not
alone.Ó He kissed her as she came,
and she returned the favor for him.
They
lay together, gently nuzzling each other until she fell asleep in his
arms. She slept until TÕSamra woke
up and demanded to be fed.
Part
Two
Chapel
was leaning against Spock with TÕSamra reclining on her bent legs. She was running through the standard neuro tests with her fingers and making new ones up as she
went, all designed to stimulate TÕSamraÕs interest.
She
moved her finger toward Spock and said, ÒPapa.Ó Then moved the finger back toward
herself and said, ÒMama.Ó
ÒThis
is not first contact,Ó Spock said as he held his finger out to TÕSamra. She immediately reached for it.
ÒSay
it. Say ÔPapaÕ so she knows thatÕs
you.Ó
ÒWell,
it is preferable to Daddy. I take
it you called your father by this name?Ó
She
nodded. ÒIf you have a better term,
IÕm open to hearing it, but it better goddamn not be in Vulcan. We have exactly one language in common
and I expect us to use it with her.
You want to make her bilingual, more power to you—but it leaves me
out and I wonÕt have it when itÕs all of us talking.Ó
She
could feel him tense behind her.
ÒAll right. Papa it is.Ó
She
let out a long breath. ÒIÕm
sorry. Is there a term you prefer? Father, perhaps? ItÕs more...dignified.Ó
ÒIt
is also harder for a child to say.
I have no deep reservations about Papa and Mama.Ó
ÒOr
if you do, youÕre not going to voice them here. You can tell her in Vulcan later how
distasteful those names are and how she will, of course, never address you by
them when you are in polite Vulcan company.Ó
ÒI
did not say that. Moreover, I see
no polite Vulcan company in evidence.Ó
ÒYou
were doing great until the second part.Ó
She went back to running the neuro tests.
ÒWhat exactly are you doing to our
daughter? Other than teaching her
words that cause friction between us.Ó
ÒWe
have limited ways to track her development. IÕm trying to ensure I donÕt miss
anything. And that she has fun and
is stimulated.Ó
ÒAh. And our daughter is fine?Ó
ÒI
think so. She appears to be a
healthy four-month-old, not that IÕm a pediatric specialist and not that I know
how the Vulcan side factors in.Ó
ÒShe
looks right for what I remember my cousins being at that age.Ó
ÒGood.Ó
She
felt a wave of nausea come over her, handed the baby to Spock and got to the
bathroom facilities in time to throw up.
Repeatedly.
ÒOh,
shit.Ó
Spock
walked over, TÕSamra cradled gently, a knowing look on his face. ÒYou are pregnant again?Ó
ÒMy
periodÕs late. IÕm throwing
up. Looks like. Damn it.Ó She waved him way. ÒGo. IÕm gonna
throw up again. She doesnÕt need to
experience this.Ó
He hurried off, clearly not wanting to experience it either.
When
she finally had her stomach under control, she went back out to where he was
sitting with TÕSamra. ÒIÕm not
ready for another one.Ó
ÒI
believe it is a little late for that, Christine.Ó
ÒA
joke? A goddamn joke?Ó She clutched her stomach as a wave of
nausea and something stronger—pain, cramping, almost. ÒI donÕt just mean emotionally,
Spock. I mean my body—IÕm not
ready.Ó
He
finally looked concerned. ÒSit
down.Ó
ÒI
donÕt want to sit down. IÕm about
to throw up again.Ó
ÒChristine,
you should—Ó
She
felt bile rising, turned away.
ÒJust take care of the baby.Ó
Holding her gut, she went back to the bathroom area and threw up again.
And
again. And again. Finally, she whispered, ÒPlease, this
isnÕt normal. You saw what it was
like for me the last time. I need
your help.Ó
A
padd showed up next to her. She
typed in several meds that could help her stop the vomiting without hurting the
baby, several others that would rehydrate her, and a list of foods she could
mash up for TÕSamra, and a request for bottle and formula that would meet both
Human and Vulcan needs. Spock had
indicated Vulcan children were weaned earlier than humans, and Chapel wasnÕt
sure she would have enough energy to nourish a growing baby and nurse TÕSamra
if she was going to continue to be this sick.
As
she put the padd down, she felt like a failure. She had one job in this godforsaken
place and her body wasnÕt up to the task.
ÒSpock?Ó
He
was at her side quickly, helping her up and easing her to the mattress. TÕSamra was sleeping in her little nest.
ÒWe
have to wean her. Easiest to
gradually drop feedings and replace with a bottle than go cold turkey. Safest for both of us. ItÕll take a while to get her onto
food. The aliens are sending—ohhhh.Ó She
clutched her belly, rolled into a ball, and felt Spock rubbing her back. ÒIÕm sorry.Ó
ÒShhh. The
aliens have sent medicine.Ó
ÒShow
me.Ó As he held the hypos out, she
nodded. ÒGive me the blue capped
one. And there should be a drink
for dehydration?Ó
ÒThere
is a gel.Ó He handed it to her.
She
ripped it open and sucked it down, the terrible thirst finally subsiding. Then she felt the cool hiss of the
hypo. ÒI think somethingÕs wrong. I want to save this child, Spock. IÕm doing everything I can. But I want to protect TÕSamra and me.Ó
ÒI
want those things, as well.Ó He lay
down beside her, rubbing her back until she fell asleep.
##
Spock
was meditating, TÕSamra safely nestled within his crossed legs, dead to the
world, her eight-month-old body exhausted after a rousing game of
chase—Spock walking backwards around the enclosure, TÕSamra crawling
after him, gurgling with excitement or frustration depending on how close she
was to getting him.
HeÕd
let her catch him when the frustration got too much—heÕd had to concede
that trying to teach an infant patience was a losing proposition.
Chapel
sat quietly, her hand on her rounded stomach, trying to ignore the pains that
still shot through her. She had
asked the aliens for a scanner but they had not sent one. The next time she was alone in the bathroom,
a padd had shown up and it said simply, ÒThe pains are from your body
protesting the pregnancy, but the baby is fine.Ó
She
wondered how big a concession this was on the part of the aliens, giving such
reassurance to their zoo animals. But she held the padd to her chest for a
moment, then put it down and watched it disappear.
Still,
as reassurances went, it was not good news. Her body had to carry the baby to
term. Her body would no doubt have
to carry more babies to term. And
she frankly didnÕt think her body was cut out for the job.
She
sighed. Wished Nyota was here to
talk to. Or Amanda. Or her cousin Melinda, who had four
children and could tell her what it was like to pop them out in rapid
succession. Any female would
do—she might even welcome TÕPring or Leila or that bimbo Droxine at this point.
God,
she missed her friends. She hadnÕt
had a real conversation—or at least a fun one, one that didnÕt revolve
around her child—since sheÕd been trapped in this damn place. Spock could surprise her at times but
then thereÕd be times like this.
She
looked over at him again. He
looked...so at peace. TÕSamra
shifted and his hand went down, steadying her. They were so...together.
Where
did that leave Chapel? If they ever
got out of here, would she even be needed?
She
realized Spock had opened his eyes, was watching her. ÒAre you all right?Ó
She
nodded, too quickly from the way his eyebrows pulled down. ÒIÕm fine. The babyÕs fine.Ó
ÒYou
looked...unhappy just then.Ó
ÒJust
borrowing trouble.Ó
ÒMy
mother says that. My fatherÕs
response has always been: ÔIs there trouble to borrow?ÕÓ
Sarek
was a wise man. Was Spock just
parroting him or did he understand what Sarek meant when he asked Amanda
that. She decided to find out by
not answering.
Spock
exhaled slowly—it sounded almost like a sigh—and closed his eyes,
going back to his meditation.
Well,
there was her answer.
She
began to pace, trying to get some exercise, trying not to cry—great, just
what she needed, to be more of a hormonal mess than she already was.
She
missed her friends. She missed
Len. She missed Jim—missed
the easy way she could talk to him.
Why the hell was it so hard to talk to Spock? SheÕd borne him a child, had another on
the way, and she still couldnÕt just tell him what was wrong.
But
then how did one broach that? Oh,
honey, itÕs nothing: IÕm just worried you donÕt love me, never will, and if we
get rescued will unload me the first chance you get. That any tenderness you show me I should
be careful not to read too much into.
That I should never, ever mistake sex for love—no matter how
goddamn much I want to.
And
that the fact I feel so lonely in here I could scream is in no way a reflection
on you. ThatÕs all, snookums.
ÒChristine.Ó
He touched her shoulder and she
yelped.
ÒSpock,
Jesus, a little warning.Ó She
glanced over at where heÕd been sitting.
TÕSamra was still there, conked out despite ChapelÕs cry of alarm.
ÒWhat
is troubling you?Ó
ÒI
told you IÕm fine.Ó
ÒI
donÕt believe you.Ó He pulled her
close. ÒWhen you were pregnant with
TÕSamra, you were quite amorous.Ó
ÒWhen
I was pregnant with TÕSamra, I didnÕt feel as if my insides were about to fall
out.Ó
He
let go of her, as if she had kicked him.
ÒI...I am sorry. I did not
mean to impose my needs on you at this time.Ó
ÒDonÕt
worry. YouÕre not going to. ThereÕs no goddamn way weÕre having
sex.Ó
ÒAs
you wish.Ó He touched her cheek,
frowned when she shied away. ÒYou
blame me for this pregnancy.Ó
ÒIt
takes two to tango. I blame both of
us.Ó She turned away from him,
resumed her pacing, trying not to feel bad at the look heÕd had on his
face—at the way she knew sheÕd hurt him.
##
Chapel
smiled at the things the aliens had left them. ÒPerfect.Ó She debated whether she wanted to try to
get off the mattresses to go over to them, decided at eight-months along, she
didnÕt need to try. ÒSpock, can you
bring them over here?Ó
She
cuddled TÕSamra to her, and her daughter seemed to be in an unexpectedly
snuggly mood as she nuzzled her back.
ÒHappy Birthday, sweetheart.
This isnÕt much, but youÕre going to have a first birthday.Ó
She
grinned at Spock as he put the items down.
ÒWe have a piece of cake that you can smear all over your self. Your father wanted carrot cake so it
would have some nutritional content, but I pointed out that there were all
sorts of choking hazards in that and
itÕs the point of a birthday to not be healthy.Ó She blew on TÕSamraÕs neck, making a
silly sound that made her daughter dissolve in peals of laughter.
Chapel
glanced over at Spock. ÒThey donÕt
do that on Vulcan, do they?Ó
His
eyes were amused. ÒNo. But she clearly enjoys it.Ó
ÒLetÕs
see. Oh, what have we here? She handed Spock the ball—a rubber
one colored like a nebula in pinks and purples and blues. ÒCan you get the ball from Papa?Ó
She
supported TÕSamra as she stood, expecting her daughter to drop to all fours
into the lightning-fast crawl sheÕd perfected. But TÕSamra took a step instead.
ÒOh,
my.Ó
SpockÕs
eyebrow went up.
Chapel
held tight as TÕSamra took another step, then another. Determined, ÒGive me the damn ball,Ó
type steps. ÒHas she been
practicing while weÕve been asleep?
SheÕs really good.Ó Chapel had been a little worried that they were
behind on this milestone. She knew
they were behind on talking—TÕSamra seemed to take in everything they
said but said nothing back.
Chapel
let go, and Spock took over, holding the ball in one hand, supporting TÕSamra
with the other. The baby grabbed
the ball and laughed, hugging it to her chest and plopping down.
ÒSomehow
I donÕt think sharing will be her strong point.Ó
ÒVery
possibly not.Ó Spock touched her
shoulder. ÒI am proud of you, my
daughter.Ó He moved to the
mattress, began to massage ChapelÕs back.
ÒAre you all right?Ó
ÒIÕm
uncomfortable. But youÕre making it
better.Ó
He
leaned in, kissed her neck. ÒYou
have made what could be a painful milestone happy.Ó
ÒThat
our daughter has been a zoo animal for a year? Yeah, something to celebrate.Ó
He
sighed.
ÒIÕm
sorry. You were trying to be
nice.Ó She leaned against him,
could feel he was aroused—he often was. She hadnÕt slept with him since sheÕd
found out she was pregnant. The
aliens did not complain—they seemed more interested in TÕSamra and the
unborn baby than in the sex show.
She got whatever she needed for them—requests for Spock and her
often went unfulfilled.
She
shifted so she could lean back against the pillows and look at him. ÒDoes it worry you she doesnÕt talk
yet?Ó
ÒI
have wondered about it.Ó
ÒYeah.Ó She took a deep breath. ÒChildren learn by whatÕs around them,
you know? I talk to her and you
talk to her. But you and I...we
donÕt really talk, do we?Ó
He
met her eyes. ÒWe converse.Ó
ÒNot
really we donÕt. SheÕs with me or
sheÕs with you. These moments, like
this, where weÕre a family. TheyÕre
not that common, Spock.Ó
ÒWe
are a family at all moments.Ó He
gestured around, at the space around them.
ÒWe live in an enclosure that is two hundred meters square. How can we not be a family? How can we avoid it?Ó
ÒItÕs
not proximity that makes a family, Spock.
ItÕs intimacy.Ó
ÒIf
we are not intimate, that is not my doing.Ó
ÒNot
that kind of intimacy.Ó She shook
her head. ÒMaybe she doesnÕt talk
because this is all we do. Spout
words at each other without ever once communicating? Who would want to learn to talk for
this?Ó
ÒYou
are clearly emotional.Ó
ÒA
damning trait. One you are trying
to stamp out of our daughter, I imagine.
Is that what your little Vulcan pep talks are all about?Ó
ÒChristine,
please. You are saying things you
do not mean.Ó
ÒNo,
IÕm meaning things I should not say.Ó
TÕSamra
turned to them, held up the ball.
Spock took it from her, rolled it gently away so she could chase
it. She chose to crawl rather than
run.
Chapel
wasnÕt surprised. Who would want to
be brave in the toxic atmosphere theyÕd just created. She tried to relax, tried to let her
anger go. Spock was who he
was. This had never been his
choice. HeÕd chosen her to save her
from a monster, not because he loved her.
He
was doing the best he could.
She
probably wasnÕt. Then again she was
the one with a kicking child in her gut, not him. She was the one who would probably have another
and another until her body ran out and heÕd be free of her.
And
then what?
She
looked at TÕSamraÕs cake.
The aliens had spelled Birthday wrong.
It was somehow fitting.
##
Chapel
tried to shift on the mattress but comfort eluded her. She struggled to her feet, paced and
felt a gush of liquid. She looked
down, saw it was clear and breathed a sigh of relief. So far so good.
Spock
woke, didnÕt go near her but watched her from the mattress. ÒIs it time?Ó
ÒYes.Ó
ÒDo
you wish my help?Ó They had been
tentative with each other since TÕSamraÕs birthday. Walking on eggshells, really, as if
afraid of what else might be said.
ÒNot
yet.Ó She moved closer as she
paced. ÒIÕm sorry, Spock.Ó
His
watchful expression relaxed. ÒI,
too, am sorry, Christine. If I am
lacking...Ó
She
held her hand up. ÒThis is what it
is. ThatÕs the Vulcan way to look
at it, isnÕt it?Ó
ÒYou
are not Vulcan. You do not have to be.Ó
ÒI
worry for me if IÕm not.Ó
ÒI
do not understand.Ó
ÒItÕs
all right. ItÕs immaterial. OhhhhhhhÓ—she
bent over double and clutched her stomach—Òthis isnÕt right. SomethingÕs not right.Ó
There
was another gush of liquid. Spock
was cradling her so she couldnÕt look down to see her feet.
ÒWhat
color is it? The liquid?Ó
He
looked down and didnÕt answer, which was all the answer she needed. ÒYou should lie down,Ó he said, and
there was an urgency sheÕd never heard in his voice.
ÒI
should be in a hospital. I should
not be here. You should not have to
do this. This is not right.Ó She moaned loudly and saw TÕSamra
watching her from her little nest, her eyes wide. ÒOh, baby, mamaÕs all right. MamaÕs just fi—ohhh
God, make it stop.Ó
There
was another rush of wet warmth and she clutched at Spock. ÒItÕs not right. SomethingÕs really wrong.Ó
ÒChristine?Ó
she heard, then the world around her went black.
She
woke to blistering pain, sharp white lights blinding her. ÒSpock,Ó she said, trying to reach out
but found she was restrained.
ÒHe
is with your female young. We removed
you from the enclosure because you were hemorrhaging and this child is in
danger of suffocation from your placenta.Ó
ÒHave
you stopped the bleeding?Ó
ÒWe
have.Ó
She
heard a hiss, felt a coldness in her arm, then relief as some kind of
painkiller flooded her system. ÒI
canÕt be pregnant again. Do you
hear me?Ó
ÒWe
are listening.Ó
ÒI
am a doctor: I have knowledge on this issue. These children are seventy-five percent
human. A mother is crucial to the
development of a human child. I was
lucky to have an easy birth the first time, but this pregnancy is probably more
typical of what we can expect. If
you keep me pregnant, I will likely die.
I assume you would rather have a family unit to observe? The family will not thrive without me
there—this child, and possibly my eldest, may not even survive if I am
gone.Ó
ÒWhat
you say is reasonable. We analyzed
the contraceptive you were on when you arrived. We can replicate it.Ó
ÒYes. That will work.Ó
ÒDo
not engage in sexual activity with Spock while you are nursing this child. We will give you the medicine once he is
weaned.Ó
He? They had a son?
She
heard a cry, then the aliens were laying her child on her chest. He was a mess, still connected to her
through the umbilical cord, but he was beautiful. She cradled him, helped him find her
breast, groaned at the feeling of his determined little mouth.
It
hurt. It didnÕt. She was just glad they were both alive.
She
lay back, felt as if the world was spinning a little, tried to doze, tried not
to drop her child.
ÒShe
will not produce enough milk for him,Ó she heard one of the aliens say. ÒThis feeding and maybe two more.Ó
She
forced herself awake.
The
alien was back, the one that had been talking to her about the
contraceptives. ÒIn the wild, he
would die.Ó
ÒWe
donÕt live in the wild. Humans
bottle-feed when we donÕt breast feed—you let me do it when I weaned my
daughter. ItÕs exceedingly common. You give us food; you donÕt make us hunt
down a wild animal. Give us formula
for the baby. ItÕs not that
difficult—or arenÕt you as smart as you think you are?Ó
The
alien smiled. ÒI remember when you
told Spock that you would not be a good mother. Yet how fiercely you fight for your
young.Ó
ÒDo
you listen to everything we say?Ó
ÒOf
course. We are scientists—we
simply fund our research through the zoo.Ó
He gestured toward one of the other aliens. ÒGet her and the baby cleaned up. Give her the contraceptive since her
milk is failing anyway. Then put
her back in the enclosure with her mate.Ó
There
was another hiss and the world went black again. She woke in SpockÕs arms, to his
whispered, ÒChristine?
Christine?Ó He sounded
frantic—hushed but frantic.
She
wondered why he was being so quiet, then saw that their son was in her lap, was
sleeping, and that TÕSamra was watching her new baby brother with solemn eyes
that shifted to Chapel.
ÒHello,
sweetheart,Ó Chapel said, holding her hand out.
TÕSamra
toddled over, touching her carefully.
ÒItÕs
all right, baby. IÕm back.Ó She felt SpockÕs arms tighten on her
arms. ÒAnd I brought your brother
with me.Ó She leaned her head back
harder against SpockÕs chest.
ÒAre
you all right?Ó he asked.
ÒI
am. But it was not good there for a
bit. They gave me a
contraceptive. I wonÕt get pregnant
again.Ó
ÒI
am relieved.Ó He ran his fingers
down her arms.
She
sighed, feeling safe finally, studying her son who looked more like Sarek than
like she or Spock. ÒHe looks like
your father. He has his
nose—that hawkish nose.Ó
ÒHe
does.Ó
ÒName?Ó
ÒYou
pick.Ó
ÒWow,
you really must have been worried about me?Ó Or was he only worried about his
son—with her gone, his son might stand no chance for survival? ÒNo, you pick.Ó
ÒI
would like to honor my brother and call him Sybok.Ó
ÒEven
if it annoys Sarek more than words can say.Ó
ÒYou
believe we will get out of here?
That someday my father will know our children?Ó
ÒI
donÕt know, Spock, but I have to hang onto something.Ó
He
once again tightened his hold on her.
She
touched their son. ÒLittle
Sybok. HeÕs beautiful, Spock.Ó
ÒHe
is.Ó Spock took TÕSamraÕs
hand. ÒWhat do you think of him, my
daughter?Ó
She
leaned in, sniffed her little brother, and made a face that clearly showed what
she thought of this small interloper.
Christine
laughed and was instantly sorry she did it as her abused insides
protested. At least she didnÕt wake
the baby up.
##
Sybok
fussed for the first week, keeping TÕSamra awake, throwing Chapel more and more
into a funk that she was not sure she was going to get out of. Finally, on the ninth day, he wore
himself out and slept, and the rest of them could finally relax.
She
held TÕSamra, sang to her softly, a nonsense song she made up on the fly about
baby brothers who wouldnÕt sleep until they finally did. TÕSamra hugged her tightly, nuzzling in
the way she only rarely did, and Chapel looked up to see Spock watching her,
his eyes very soft.
As
she continued singing, as TÕSamra went limp in her arms, his expression changed
to something less soft, something more helpless—more hopeful. She put TÕSamra on the mattress then
walked over to him, he drew her with him to the far end of the enclosure.
ÒIt
has been a very long time since we made love.Ó
She
frowned. ÒYouÕve never called it
that before.Ó
ÒDo
you object to me calling it that?Ó
ÒNo. It just seems...strange.Ó
He
pulled her closer. ÒDo you object
to me doing this?Ó
ÒI
donÕt know.Ó
His
look turned wary and he let her go.
ÒAre you not healed?Ó
ÒI
am.Ó She looked down and sighed.
ÒChristine,
do you not love me anymore?Ó
She
laughed, and it was a bitter sound.
ÒDo you care?Ó
ÒYou
are the mother of my children. We
are here, together. Of course I
care.Ó
ÒThose
are not compelling answers, Spock.Ó
She could feel tears starting, hated that she was going to cry. God, when would she give up on the idea
that he would love her? She turned
away.
ÒWe
will still need to provide entertainment, Christine.Ó
ÒWhy? Human couples have babies and stop
having sex all the time. They
wanted to observe us in our natural state, well here we are. IÕll be happy to tell the aliens that. In fact, theyÕre no doubt listening in
right now.Ó
ÒDo
you not want me?Ó His voice was
pitched very low, as if he could elude any alien listeners.
ÒI
will always want you, Spock. DonÕt
you get it? ThatÕs my cross to
bear. My goddamn curse. I will want you and never have you.Ó
ÒIs
this because of the birth? Are you
sad again?Ó He moved closer. ÒPlease, let me help you?Ó He was reaching for the meld points, not
seeming to care if the aliens saw him do it or not.
ÒStop
it. Are you nuts?Ó She stepped back. ÒIÕm not going to cut you off. But IÕll let you know when IÕm ready,
okay? IÕm not ready right now. Just...give me some time.Ó
ÒIt
has been nine months.Ó
ÒYouÕre
a Vulcan. YouÕre famed for your
patience. Man up.Ó She turned and walked back to the
children, lying carefully on the mattress and wrapping herself around TÕSamra.
She
didnÕt think sheÕd be able to sleep, just thought it was a safe place to get
away from Spock. But she was so
tired from being up with Sybok that she fell asleep almost instantly.
##
She
woke to SpockÕs urgent touch as he gently shook her awake.
ÒSomething
is happening,Ó he said.
She
realized she heard what sounded like phaser fire, the yelling of men—in
standard. ÒHoly crap. Are we being rescued?Ó She reached down and picked up Sybok,
and Spock caught TÕSamra up in his arms.
They both moved toward where the crowd normally would be watching, but
wasnÕt for some reason.
The
wall of the enclosure blew in. Men
in Starfleet uniforms burst in.
ÒHands where we can see them.Ó
ÒI
am Commander Spock of the USS Enterprise. This is Doctor Chapel. These are our children. We are prisoners. Do not fire.Ó
ÒCommander
Spock? We were told you might be
here. IÕm Lieutenant Commander
Jenkins, sir.Ó Jenkins yelled out
the hole. ÒSomeone get some
clothing in here now.Ó
A
crewman ran in, dropped the clothing and ran back out.
ÒSir,
IÕll leave you and the doctor to get dressed. IÕm glad youÕre all right. Do you need any immediate assistance?Ó
ÒNo,
we are fine,Ó Spock said, then as soon as Jenkins left, walked over to the
clothing, put TÕSamra down and quickly pulled on the oversized top and the
sweats with the drawstring. He took
Sybok and let Chapel get changed too.
ÒIt would seem we are rescued.Ó
He looked slightly shell shocked.
ÒIt
would seem so.Ó She realized the
crewman had brought childrenÕs tÕshirts as well and
pulled one over SybokÕs head—he swam in
it—and the other over TÕSamra.
Then she scooped her up and held her close. ÒWeÕre going home, baby girl.Ó
Home. Where the hell was that anymore?
She
clutched her daughter to her, reached out and stroked SybokÕs
hair. This was home to her:
wherever her children were was home.
Jenkins
poked his head back in. ÒAll right,
then. WeÕre all clear. LetÕs get you out of here.Ó
They
followed him out of the enclosure and into a wide corridor. There were others being
rescued—alien species both Federation and non—and everyone was
subdued. Chapel saw that many of
the couples had children.
What
the hell must their rescuers think of them? Chapel saw Jenkins glance back at her,
and he gave her a gentle smile.
Then he looked at TÕSamra and grinned at her. ÒSheÕs gonna
be a heartbreaker.Ó
Chapel
laughed softly. ÒProbably so.Ó
Jenkins
steered them up to the front of the ship, winked at them as the rest of the
aliens were routed to the cargo bay of the large shuttle. ÒYouÕre Starfleet. And I bet your little ones will be, too,
someday. TheyÕre legacies, after
all.Ó He showed them to seats near
the front of the shuttle. ÒMake
yourself comfortable.Ó
ÒAre
you sure you donÕt want us in the back?
I donÕt know how well these two will travel?Ó
ÒDoctor,
with all due respect, I donÕt give a ratÕs ass how well they travel. I think youÕve been through enough,
donÕt you?Ó
She
sat up a little straighter. ÒYouÕre
right, Commander. Forget I said
anything.Ó
Jenkins
looked at Spock. ÒYouÕre the
ranking officer on this mission now, sir.
Care to give us the go ahead to get the hell out of here?Ó
ÒYou
have my permission to do exactly that.Ó
Jenkins
grinned, an expression that reminded Chapel suddenly of Jim, and turned to the
shuttle pilot. ÒLetÕs get out of
here.Ó
The
children fidgeted as the ship took off but then once they got going, they both
fell asleep, and Chapel found herself grateful for SybokÕs
period of restlessness that had left them both exhausted enough to sleep all
the way to the rendezvous with a larger starship.
Their starship.
Jenkins
grinned at them. ÒIt really is
home. Captain Kirk is expecting
you.Ó He leaned in. ÒThe rest of these folks will be
catching a ride home on a different ship.
ThatÕs another reason youÕre up here.Ó
She
smiled, glanced at Spock.
His
eyes were gleaming in an almost unVulcan way. ÒUnderstood, Commander. Most kind.Ó
ÒLeast
I could do, sir. The Enterprise was headed back to Earth and
close, well, okay, sort of close.
Close enough to divert with some creative navigation. I figured...itÕs what IÕd want.Ó He grinned at them. ÒBesides, youÕve got to show off your
kids, right? TheyÕre beautiful.Ó
She
had to look down, almost undone by his easygoing kindness. He had no idea how...strange it was to
be sitting here, with someone new, talking about her children.
Their
children.
Their
beautiful children. Someone else
thought they were beautiful.
Jenkins could just be saying that, but somehow she didnÕt think so.
And
that suddenly meant the world to her.
##
They
beamed aboard the ship they hadnÕt seen in over two years. Janice wasnÕt at the controls. Chapel imagined sheÕd long since transferred
off.
Jim
stood waiting for them, a big grin on his face, a grin that turned to one of
surprise as he took in the children.
She
and Spock stepped off the transporter pad together.
ÒWeÕve
been busy,Ó she said softly as she let him enfold her and TÕSamra in a hug.
ÒAnd
who is this?Ó he asked, grinning at TÕSamra, and getting an echo of that
expression back.
ÒJim,
please, she is extremely impressionable.Ó
Spock did not, in all actuality, sound terribly concerned. He sounded incredibly pleased to be back
with his friend.
ÒThis
is TÕSamra,Ó Chapel said, surprised when her daughter began to lean, arms
out. ÒOh, of course. Not a woman in this quadrant you canÕt
charm.Ó She let him take TÕSamra.
ÒNonsense. IÕm the one whoÕs going to screen all
your dates, kiddo. Your father will
be useless. HeÕll grill them on
physics and chemistry and have no idea what to really look for.Ó He laughed as TÕSamra gurgled. ÒIÕm making a big assumption that IÕm
going to be the godfather of this one.
Is that a bad assumption?Ó
He took her over to the transporter station, started to explain how to
beam bad guys into space.
ÒIt
is not a bad assumption, Jim.Ó
Spock was watching him with a fondness Chapel was sure sheÕd never seen
in his eyes when heÕd looked at her.
ÒIn fact, you can serve as godfather to both.Ó He looked at her. ÒThat is all right?Ó
She
smiled and nodded.
ÒOh
I donÕt mean to ignore the baby, Spock.
Infants are just far less interesting. They spit up and maybe hold their heads
up, if youÕre lucky. Not like this
little doll.Ó He took her to the
intercom, began to explain how to send out an all hands message rescinding personal
leave just because.
Chapel
laughed softly, felt Spock bump gently against her and pushed back.
Jim
looked at the baby. ÒOh, fine, youÕre dying to tell me about that one. Boy, girl?Ó
ÒA
son,Ó Spock said. ÒHis name is
Sybok.Ó
ÒFamily
name?Ó
Spock looked down. ÒI will tell you
some other time. It is...Ó
ÒComplicated,Ó
she said with a smile.
ÒWow,
look at you two. Finishing each
otherÕs sentences.Ó He smiled but
then his smile faded. ÒI donÕt mean
to make light. I read the reports
Jenkins sent. I know what that
place was. And IÕm sorry. IÕm sorry I couldnÕt find you when you
were first captured.Ó
ÒWe
know you tried, Jim.Ó
ÒI
did. I looked until Starfleet
Command threatened to relieve me of duty if I didnÕt stop. I figured better to keep the ship and
look when I got back in this sector occasionally then never be able to look at
all.Ó He couldnÕt seem to meet
their eyes. ÒBut I let you
down. IÕm sorry.Ó
TÕSamra
cuddled against him.
ÒMan,
sheÕs adorable.Ó He smiled gently
at them. ÒAnd the babyÕs cute,
too. Come on. LenÕs chomping at the bit to get you all
checked out. I was selfish. Wanted this all to myself. Wanted you all to myself.Ó
ÒThank
you for taking us home,Ó Chapel said.
ÒHow far away are we?Ó
ÒThree
days. Time to play chess, old
friend?Ó
Spock
nodded.
Jim
looked at her, his grin the one that was just for her. ÒWe can catch up, too?Ó
She
laughed softly. If felt like a
lifetime ago heÕd told her to take LenÕs place at the conference—that
maybe she could nab Spock. ÒThat
would be nice.Ó
She
saw Spock glance over at her but ignored him.
##
Chapel
felt strange being back on the ship.
The vibrations underfoot, the constant presence of the crew no matter
what time she went into the corridors.
Even sitting with Uhura in the observation lounge during lunch, watching
the stars go by at warp as her friend played with the babies had made her feel
slightly queasy—like she was a raw ensign getting spacesick
again.
ÒYou
are meeting Jim soon?Ó Spock asked her softly; TÕSamra and Sybok had just gone
down for the night. Spock looked
different, his hair short again—one of the first things heÕd done once
theyÕd beamed aboard was visit the barber.
She
nodded. ÒCatch up time. I wonÕt be out long.Ó But she could be. Spock had played chess for hours the
night before. When sheÕd asked him
how his evening had been, sheÕd gotten a one-word answer: ÒSatisfying.Ó
Is
that how he would describe her? She
somehow doubted it.
She
realized she was bouncing her knee up and down the way she used to do in
college—the way Roger used to get on her for doing. A nervous habit. ÒYouÕre too good for that, Christine,Ó
heÕd say.
ÒOkay,
IÕm going.Ó She got up and left,
hurrying out, and realized sheÕd hit the corridors just as beta shift was
changing over to gamma.
People. People everywhere. She kept walking, trying to remember how
to breathe, feeling a fluttering in her chest. Then a harder thump, thump, thump, as if
her chest might explode.
Len
had just checked them out. Tip-top
shape, heÕd said. This was just a
panic attack. She reached down for
her wrist, felt for her pulse. Rock
steady. ThatÕs how you knew the
difference between a panic attack and a heart attack. You just felt like your heart was going
too fast. But it wasnÕt. Trick of the mind. Anxiety.
DidnÕt
really help to know that, though.
Not when the corridors felt like they were closing in on her. When every
crewman she passed seemed intent on bumping her. When she couldnÕt get catch her breath.
ÒOkay,
IÕve got you.Ó Hands, strong hands,
pulling her into a darkened conference room. ÒLights, sixty percent.Ó
She
took a ragged breath.
ÒBreathe,
Chris.Ó Jim. Thank God.
ÒI
donÕt know what happened.Ó Which
was a lie. She knew exactly what
happened.
He
eased her into one of the chairs, sat down next to her. ÒLooked like a panic attack to me. Pretty easy to understand why. You were essentially in isolation for
over two years. And like an idiot I
ask you to meet me at shift change?
IÕm so sorry—I wasnÕt thinking.Ó
ÒThis
should not be a big deal.Ó
He
took her hands. ÒYes, it probably
should. What youÕve been
through—youÕre no doubt suffering from post traumatic stress
disorder. What just happened is
only to be expected.Ó
She
met his eyes. ÒDonÕt tell Spock.Ó
He
looked confused. ÒWhy?Ó
ÒJust
one more way I donÕt measure up.Ó
ÒI
donÕt think youÕre reading him right.Ó
She
laughed, it was a slightly hysterical sound. ÒBecause youÕve been around him all of a
day? Learned a whole lot over
chess, did you?Ó She realized she was
crying, tried to wipe the tears away, but he stopped her.
ÒHow
long has it been since you cried?Ó
ÒHow
long was I in that goddamn place?Ó
ÒThen
go ahead and cry. You know youÕre
safe with me.Ó He went over to the
intercom. ÒWhatÕs your pleasure? Wine, if I remember right?Ó
ÒI
would love a Pinot Grigio.Ó
He
smiled. ÒKirk to mess. Can you bring a couple of bottles of my
private stash beer and a bottleÓ—he frowned when he saw her shake her
head—Òmake that a glass of Pinot Grigio and a
bottle of sparkling water to conference room twelve. Also an appetizer platter. Thanks.Ó He grinned at her. ÒI didnÕt get dinner and IÕm starved.Ó
ÒSo
weÕre going to catch up in here?Ó
ÒUnless
you want to brave the crowds?Ó
ÒNot
really.Ó
ÒThen
yes, this is our room for the night.Ó
He made a funny face. ÒThat
didnÕt come out right.Ó
ÒOnce
upon a time I would have loved to have a room for the night with you.Ó She wasnÕt sure it was smart to be this
honest, but she and Spock seemed incapable of talking about anything real, so
why not try with Jim?
ÒOnce
upon a time, Chris, IÕd have been wholeheartedly in favor of that. But...youÕre the mother of my best
friendÕs children. And whether you
believe it or not, he cares for you.
So IÕve put that part of myself away.Ó
ÒYeah,
me too. I love my children.Ó
ÒDo
you love Spock?Ó
ÒI
do. He just doesnÕt love me.Ó
He
sighed, then held up a hand as the door chime sent off. ÒHold that thought.Ó He let in the server, waited until heÕd put
down all the food and drink and then left, before taking a swig of beer and
picking out some bread and cheese.
Then he said, ÒChris, youÕre judging him by Earth standards. YouÕre smarter than that.Ó
ÒWhen
we first got to the zoo, when the aliens made it clear that they expected us to
have sex, they gave Spock a choice: me or they would try to find him a Vulcan
woman. Spock kept me with him only
because if he didnÕt, they were going to put me with an alien who tore up his
mates. And I mean that literally.
He flat out told me—after weÕd had sex, really good sex—that
he would not have chosen me otherwise.
ItÕs hard to move past that.Ó
ÒThat
was two years and two children ago.Ó
ÒIÕm
not his wife, Jim. He never bonded
with me in there. He only melded
with me once.Ó
This
did seem to surprise him. ÒIÕm sure
he had his reasons.Ó
ÒHe
said he didnÕt want them to know he could meld. And I suppose he was worried that theyÕd
run experiments to see what would happen if you separated a bonded pair. But I canÕt help but think that he just
didnÕt want me enough to do it.
That he always thought I could be replaced if we ever got out.Ó The wine was already going to her head,
so she took a big piece of bread and some cheese.
ÒChris,
I swear to you, the way he described what happened—and he gave me the
clean version—he was complimentary to you. I did not get the impression he viewed
you as replaceable at all. To be
honest, I got the idea that you kept him sane.Ó
She
shook her head. ÒThen you werenÕt
listening close enough.Ó
ÒYou
know I love you, right? That I have
your best interests at heart?Ó
She
nodded.
ÒThen
promise me something. DonÕt make
any decisions right now. Just let
yourself reacclimate. YouÕre
overwhelmed and youÕre exhausted.
YouÕre a new mother trying to figure out how to deal with two kids
outside of an enclosure.Ó
She
nodded. ÒMuch harder than I
thought.Ó
ÒI
bet it is.Ó He held his beer up to
her. ÒHereÕs to taking it
slow. All right? And cutting Spock some slack. HeÕs trying. HeÕs traumatized, too. He just shows it differently.Ó
She
clinked her glass against his bottle.
ÒIÕm glad the Enterprise was
in the vicinity.Ó
He
started to laugh. ÒOh, Chris, we
were nowhere near the vicinity.
When Jenkins called, you should have seen us scramble to come up with a
flight plan to get us to where you were and not make Command curious.Ó He grinned. ÒJenkins seems like a good guy.Ó
ÒI
like him. He reminded me of you a
little.Ó
ÒShould
I be jealous?Ó
She
shook her head.
ÒI
love you, Chris. IÕve spent the
last two years alternating between beating myself up for suggesting you go to
that damn conference and being glad for Spock and you that at least youÕd have
each other, wherever you were. I
wish IÕd found you and rescued you before all this happened.Ó
ÒMaybe
thereÕs a universe where you did.Ó
ÒThatÕs
a nice thought.Ó He looked
down. ÒMaybe thereÕs a universe
where...Ó He took a swig of his
beer.
ÒI
know what you were going to say.
And maybe so. Just not this
one.Ó She pulled him to her, kissed
him gently on the lips. Not a
passionate kiss at all, a tender one.
ÒI know youÕre my friend.
This—the talk, the food and wine—itÕs exactly what I
needed. Spock doesnÕt...he doesnÕt
talk to me much. IÕve kept a lot of
stuff in.Ó
ÒAnd
I imagine thereÕs still a lot of things you havenÕt said.Ó He sighed, then he leaned back, seemed
to channel a different man, the man she used to go out with, see the sights, go
dancing. Her friend—just a
friend. There for her. Always there for her. ÒTry these almonds. TheyÕre from Spain. To die for. Now, do you want to tell me about how
you spent the last two years or do you want to hear the dirt and major events
from our end? Or a little of both?Ó
She
grinned and sat back. ÒCatch me
up.Ó
ÒRoger
that, Doctor.Ó
##
Chapel
walked into the guest quarters she was sharing with Spock feeling mellow and
panic free after her evening with Jim.
The babies were asleep in the cribs the quartermaster had set up in the
corner of the room. Spock was
working at the desk.
She
smiled and walked over to him, slipping her leg over his lap and settling into
his lap. ÒIÕm back.Ó
ÒI
see that.Ó He was looking at her
with an expression that was less warm than she expected—especially given
that she could feel he was aroused.
They hadnÕt had sex since she realized she was pregnant with Sybok, why
was he looking at her like she was doing something wrong?
She
shifted a little on top of him, moved in to kiss him but he stopped her. ÒWhat?Ó
ÒI
find it curious that you are finally in the mood.Ó
ÒExcuse
me?Ó
ÒTime alone with me does not make you feel so inclined. Time alone with my friend, however...Ó
She
could feel all the mellow feelings sliding away. ÒAre you kidding me?Ó
He
lifted her off him. ÒPerhaps
another night. When you have not
been drinking.Ó
ÒI
had one glass of wine. IÕm not
drunk.Ó She studied him. ÒAre you jealous of him? Do you actually care what I do?Ó
He
turned back to the terminal. ÒI
simply am not in the mood.Ó
ÒBullshit.Ó
ÒChristine,
pleaseÓ—he managed to load a world of disdain into his voice—Òyou
will wake the children.Ó
She
stood in the middle of the room, dying to scream or throw something at him, but
that wasnÕt how she behaved. Not
here and not in the enclosure and not ever. ÒYouÕre unbelievable. I just...I just felt good about us. For the first time in a long time. My mistake.Ó
She
turned to go into the bathroom.
Before
she could get there, he said, ÒI talked to my parents.Ó
She
stopped, felt a pang. ÒI thought we
were going to talk to them together?Ó
ÒI
had nothing to do while I waited with the children. It seemed efficient to comm them.Ó
She
didnÕt turn, couldnÕt stand to see the expression—or lack
thereof—on his face.
ÒAnd...?Ó
ÒAnd
we will be staying with them at the Embassy.Ó
ÒWe
will? The three of you decided
that?Ó There had been several
options for temporary housing theyÕd been weighing until they worked out their
future plans.
ÒYes.Ó
She
did turn to look at him. ÒAm I part
of that we whoÕll be staying there?
Or is it only you and the children?Ó
He
looked taken aback. ÒOf course you
are part of it.Ó
ÒWell,
I had to ask. IÕm clearly not part
of the planning. Not a voice that
needs to be considered in any decisionmaking. But then when do you ever talk to me,
Spock? Why would my voice ever
matter?Ó She walked over to him. ÒYou want to know why I came back ready
for sex tonight? Because Jim talked
to me. Not at me or through me. But to me. You might want to get some tips from
him.Ó
She
realized he was clenching the desk, that his fingers were turning white, so she
spun away and headed into the bathroom, locking the door behind her.
She
stared at herself in the mirror, her hair was too long, her skin paler than
normal. She was still carrying some
of the weight from Sybok, didnÕt think she looked all that great.
Jim
hadnÕt seemed to mind. God, what
would it be like to be with a man who actually let her see what he felt for
her?
She
pushed him out of her mind, got ready for bed, and went back to the sleeping
area. Ignoring Spock, she changed
into the fleet-issued pajamas and got into bed.
A
moment later, he crawled into bed with her and told the computer to turn the
lights to ten percent. He eased
behind her, holding her lightly against him, and asked, ÒAre you in love with
Jim?Ó
ÒNo,
IÕm in love with you. And all you
do is hurt me.Ó She turned in his
arms, burrowed against him, and he pulled her in tightly. ÒI hate you sometimes, Spock.Ó
ÒI
realize that.Ó He rubbed her back
gently until she relaxed and finally fell asleep.
##
Chapel
sat with Spock and Jim in the mess on their last night. Ny and Len had offered to babysit, and
theyÕd been staging an impromptu puppet show from the side of the bed when she
and Spock left.
ÒSo
I wanted to talk to you two before you left,Ó Jim said, pushing his plate aside
and leaning in. ÒProfessionally, I
mean. I donÕt know what youÕre
planning for your future. But
thereÕs a place for one or both of you here. IÕd like to say thereÕs a place for all
four of you here, but thereÕs not, because Starfleet wonÕt let me.Ó
He
grinned, then started to laugh softly.
ÒI know because I tried.
Bones and I wrote the mother of all pilot program requests. ÔFamilies on StarshipsÕ by James T. Kirk
and Leonard ÔI can bullshit with the best of themÕ McCoy. Starfleet shot us down. No babies on the ship—not full
time anyway.Ó
ÒIt
is to be expected, Jim. Thank you
for trying.Ó SpockÕs voice was
warm. ÒI will consider your offer.Ó
Chapel
looked at him. ÒThe offer was to
me, as well.Ó
ÒOne
of us must stay with the children.Ó
ÒAnd
it has to be me by default?Ó Not that
she didnÕt feel a pang at the thought of leaving them, but his attitude was
irritating her.
ÒMoreoverÓ—he
went on as if she hadnÕt said anything—ÒI am unsure if I would allow her
to serve on your ship unaccompanied.Ó
ÒAllow?Ó Jim looked over at her, clearly trying
not to laugh. ÒSpock, take some
friendly advice. Purge that word
from your personal lexicon when it comes to Chris.Ó
ÒI
have been with Christine for two years, Jim. I do not need any friendly advice.Ó
She
closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
ÒYeah—yeah, you really do, Spock.Ó
Jim
held up a hand. ÒLook, can we move
past whatever personal thing is going on and focus on the job? IÕm not saying that returning to the
ship is the right thing for either of you at this point in time given your
family situation. But I had to let
you know that if you want to come back—individually or
together—IÕll make sure your spots open up. ItÕs up to you.Ó
ÒThank
you,Ó she said, then kicked Spock under the table.
He
gave her a creditable version of a glare before he turned to Jim. ÒYes, thank you.Ó
ÒYou
know, IÕm no counselor and IÕm no philosopher—although youÕve both heard
me go on and on with aliens from time to time—but I think you need to go
easy on each other.Ó
She
looked at him in surprise, then she glanced at Spock and saw that he was
staring at Jim with the closest thing to surprise sheÕd ever seen.
ÒYouÕve
been through hell. YouÕve got to be
feeling overwhelmed being out of that place finally. ItÕs what you dreamed of, IÕm sure, but
you got used to it there, as strange as that might sound. Not just the environment, but the
dynamics of it just being the two of you and your kids. Well, now itÕs not. ThereÕs all of us bumping into you and
causing you to interact in ways you didnÕt have to before.
ÒItÕs
hard and itÕs probably kind of ugly.
And youÕre maybe a little sick of each other, to be honest. But just...go easy on each other. ThatÕs my advice, even if you donÕt want
it.Ó He looked at Spock. ÒAnd you—drop the attitude. IÕm not going after your woman,
Spock. SheÕs my friend, though, and
sheÕll keep being my friend.Ó
ÒYes,
Jim. I am...sorry.Ó Spock actually sounded contrite.
ÒOh
for GodÕs sake, I donÕt mean to make you feel bad. Just...calm the hell down. Both of you. Finding out you always have a home here
if you want or need it should be good news, not cause for alarm.Ó
ÒIt
is, Jim.Ó She reached over, took
his hand, and squeezed it, knowing Spock was watching but not caring. He needed to learn to deal with this
because she was JimÕs friend and that wasnÕt going to change. She let go and leaned ever so slightly
against Spock, a small gesture that she hoped heÕd read correctly as Òno harm,
no foul.Ó
He
seemed to. He pushed back just as
gently.
##
Chapel
took a deep breath as the flitter stopped in front of the Vulcan embassy. She had always enjoyed the times sheÕd
spent around SpockÕs parents—time that Spock had never been a part of
other than the first meeting on the ship—but for some reason this time
she was feeling... What the hell
was she feeling?
Trapped. She was feeling trapped. SheÕd had no say in this. They could have stayed at temporary
family quarters. Been on Starfleet
grounds under Starfleet rules.
Not
here, on this little piece of Vulcan in San Francisco.
Spock
turned to look at her. ÒAre you all
right?Ó
She
realized she was rocking Sybok a little frenetically. The baby didnÕt seem to mind, but she
slowed her motion. ÒFine.Ó
The
door to the embassy opened, and Amanda came out, rushing to the flitter, a huge
smile on her face.
Chapel
felt herself relax. ÒThatÕs your
grandma,Ó she murmured to TÕSamra and Sybok.
TÕSamra
looked up at her, then followed Spock out of the flitter when he held his hand
out for her.
ÒWell,
my goodness, let me see you, sweetheart,Ó Amanda said to TÕSamra. ÒArenÕt you a big girl?Ó
TÕSamra
clutched at SpockÕs pants, hiding her face, but then peeking it out immediately
to see if Amanda was watching her.
Amanda
looked past her into the flitter, and smiled at Chapel. ÒSheÕs beautiful.Ó
ÒSo
is your grandson.Ó Chapel slid over
and out of the flitter. ÒSybok.Ó
Amanda
shot her a look. ÒI donÕt have to
ask who picked that name.Ó She took
the baby from Chapel. ÒOh, my, what
a handsome boy. He looks like
Sarek, doesnÕt he?Ó
ÒHe
does. We both think so, too.Ó
ÒWellÓ—Amanda
turned and looked at Spock—Òhaving his grandson favor him so greatly may
make him overlook the choice of names, my son.Ó
ÒHe
is my son. I named him as I saw
fit.Ó
Chapel
looked down. ÒOur son,Ó she
murmured low enough that Spock would hear her and Amanda would not.
He
nodded. ÒWe named him. Christine was agreeable. And TÕSamra is named for her mother.Ó He glanced at her, and the look on his
face was almost apologetic.
ÒWell,
Sarek is away at meetings in Paris.
He wonÕt be here until tomorrow.
So I get you all to myself tonight.Ó She beamed at them both. ÒWhat are you hungry for? IÕll order in anything you like.Ó
Chapel grinned. ÒYouÕre not going
to cook?Ó
ÒAre
you kidding? I like you, why would
I subject you to my cooking?Ó
Spock
nodded every so slightly, as if backing up what she was saying, and Amanda
laughed.
ÒSee,
even my son doesnÕt like my cooking.Ó
Amanda handed her the baby and leaned down and swooped TÕSamra up. ÒWould you like to see the inside of the
Vulcan embassy, my darling?Ó
TÕSamra
looked like she wasnÕt sure whether to protest or go along with being
manhandled by this petite windstorm of a woman who was carrying her across the
threshold. Amanda began to chatter
about the architecture of the building, smiling and laughing and tickling
TÕSamra as she did it. In no time
she had TÕSamra relaxed and holding on to her shoulder, pointing at things in
the embassy that Amanda would then explain—or possibly just make stuff up
about. Some of the explanations
sounded dubious to Chapel.
She
eventually got them upstairs and to the set of adjoining rooms, one of which
that had been set up as a nursery with two cribs.
Amanda
took in the small carryall Spock had slung over his shoulder and the larger bag
filled with things for the babies that Chapel was carrying. ÒYou donÕt really have anything, do
you?Ó
ÒOur
things were sent to storage when we were kidnapped, Mother. We have what Jim gave us from the
quartermasterÕs stores.Ó
Chapel
nodded. ÒPlease donÕt ask us to
dress for dinner.Ó
ÒOh,
my dear. Of course not.Ó She walked over to a small
wardrobe. ÒI hope this wasnÕt
terribly grandmotherly of me, but once Spock told me you didnÕt have anything,
I may have gone a little crazy.Ó
She
opened the door. Inside hung a
large number of clothes for both TÕSamra and Sybok.
Chapel
started to laugh. ÒWhat did you
leave in the store?Ó
ÒThe
racks.Ó Amanda grinned. ÒEverything was so adorable.Ó She rubbed noses with TÕSamra. ÒBut Nana should have gotten your mother
some clothes, too.Ó
ÒNana?Ó
ÒItÕs
what I called my grandmother. IÕd
love it if theyÕd call me that, too.
But I know you canÕt force these things.Ó Then she pointed at herself. ÒNa-na. Na-na.Ó She laughed. ÒYou can help things along, though.Ó
ÒSheÕs
not talking yet.Ó
ÒShe
will talk when she is ready, Christine.
She is an extremely gifted child.Ó
ÒWhy,
because she can charm the pants off Jim and your mom?Ó Chapel winked at TÕSamra. ÒFine, talk when you feel like it. DonÕt let me pressure you.Ó She handed Spock the baby. ÒIÕm going to go put the stuff we do
have away.Ó
ÒIÕll
let you two settle in. IÕll order
Chinese. What are you hungry for,
Spock? Do you have a favorite,
Christine?Ó
Chapel
wanted to add a huge helping of orange beef or maybe some sesame chicken, but
she didnÕt see that going over well in this bastion of vegetarianism. Spock asked for lo mein
and Szechuan string beans, which were her other favorites. ÒIÕm fine with whatever youÕre getting.Ó
Amanda
nodded, her look the slightest bit knowing, and then left them alone.
##
Chapel
sat in the childrenÕs room, telling TÕSamra a story as she gave Sybok his last
bottle for the night. She was
pleasantly full from dinner and was ready to go downstairs and join Spock and
Amanda once she got the children settled.
She
reached out to TÕSamra, smiled when her daughter reached back and touched her
fingers. ÒSo your father and your
godfather ran smack into the Klingons they were trying to escape, and things
did not look good for them.Ó
TÕSamra
yawned.
ÒYeah,
you think you know how this is going to end. With Jim pulling a rabbit out of his a—umm,
his hat and your father finding the most logical way to escape, but maybe
thatÕs not what happens in this story, huh, little girl?Ó Having kids was putting a serious crimp
on her language.
TÕSamraÕs
eyes were closing. Sybok had fallen
asleep with the bottle, so she took it and put it on the table next to the
rocking chair.
ÒAnd
then Jim and your father told all the nasty Klingons to embrace peace and love
and logic, and the Klingons felt bad and after they cried a little, they went
away. The end.Ó
TÕSamra
was gone. Klingon stories were
always a winner with her. Chapel
wasnÕt sure why. Maybe she liked
all the harsh sounds of the names?
She
got up carefully, easing Sybok into his crib and making sure both children were
really asleep before turning the lights down and shutting the door. She made her way down the stairs just as
quietly, as if babies who had slept through onlookers at the zoo were going to
be awakened by her footfalls on the stairs.
But
better safe than sorry.
Chapel
stopped as she heard Spock and AmandaÕs voices in the small parlor off the
kitchen. Spock was midsentence, all
she heard was, Òbut I never loved her.Ó
ÒOf
course not, she was forced on you.
I donÕt blame you for not loving her. You deserve real love, my dear. And you know she has no standing on
Vulcan.Ó
Chapel
tried to swallow past the lump in her throat. Amanda had been so nice to her—had
it all been an act?
ÒSo
what will you do now?Ó Amanda asked.
Chapel
backed away, unwilling to hear SpockÕs answer—afraid to hear it. She
crept partway back up the stairs, then walked heavily down them, coughed as she
came around the corner so theyÕd be sure to hear her this time.
Amanda
saw her and smiled. ÒAre the
children down for the night, darling?Ó
Chapel
tried to keep her smile the same as it had been. SheÕd trusted this woman. Why? Why had she thought Amanda would be on
her side? ÒSleeping like...well,
like babies.Ó
ÒCome
sit with us. We were just talking
about the old days.Ó
ÒI
came down for some water.Ó
Amanda
started to get up. ÒIÕll show you.Ó
ÒI
can get it.Ó She practically barked
out the words.
Both
Amanda and Spock looked startled by her tone.
ÒI
mean...donÕt get up. You both look
so comfortable and chairs were in short supply for two years, werenÕt they,
Spock?Ó
He
frowned slightly, seemed to be trying to read her expression.
She
tried to give Amanda her best smile.
ÒJust tell me where the glasses are and IÕll be on my way.Ó
ÒThe
cabinet to the left of the sink.Ó
ÒSee? See how easy that was?Ó She could hear the brittleness in her
voice and turned to go before her expression turned as bitter.
ÒChristine,Ó
Spock said, his voice actually soft and full of something that almost sounded
like tenderness, Òare you all right?Ó
ÒIÕm
home. With you. With our children. With our family. Why wouldnÕt I be fine?Ó She didnÕt turn to look at him as she
listed all the things that probably werenÕt hers to enjoy—or to
keep—then hurried into the kitchen.
They
went back to talking, but they switched to Vulcan and were speaking too softly
for her translator to pick out the words.
She fled upstairs as quickly as she could.
When
he came in to bed a short time later, she pretended to be asleep.
##
She
woke to find Spock already up. He
was reading in the armchair by the window and looked up as she rose and headed
for the adjoining door to check on the children. His eyes gleamed in a way she could not
read.
ÒChristine,
they are not—Ó
The
nursery was empty.
Sybok
was not in the crib. TÕSamraÕs
little bed was made. Chapel stood
staring, as if she could make them reappear if she stood there long enough.
Spock
came up behind her; he put his hands on her arms.
ÒI
have no standing on Vulcan,Ó she whispered. ÒAnd this is Vulcan territory.Ó
ÒWhat?Ó
She
turned to look at him, wrenching loose from his grip. Dashing away the tears that were
starting to well up in her eyes, she said, ÒYou didnÕt even let me say goodbye
to them.Ó
ÒIt
was a surprise.Ó
ÒA
surprise? Taking my children away is a fucking
surprise? Do you even plan to let
me see them eventually? Or will I
be like your brother? Persona non
grata in this family?Ó
He
looked bewildered. ÒWhere do you
think they have gone?Ó
ÒVulcan. You never wanted me. You said so yourself when this all
started. And I heard you last
night, talking to Amanda.Ó
ÒTalking to my mother is a bad thing?Ó
He seemed genuinely bewildered.
ÒNever
loved me. Forced on you. No standing on Vulcan.Ó She turned to look back into the
childrenÕs room.
ÒAh.Ó He took her arms very gently, as if he
was afraid she was going to break—or possibly explode. ÒPlease, Christine, come sit down for a
moment. I can explain.Ó
He
got her situated on the bed, then walked to the desk and picked up a civilian
communicator. He punched in a
number then carried it back to the bed and sat down next to her.
His
mother answered, her look on the viewscreen slightly
annoyed. ÒSpock, IÕve only just
arrived. Your children are fine.
Quit being such a mother hen.Ó
Spock
pulled the communicator out so both he and Chapel were on the viewscreen.
ÒMother, tell Christine where you are.Ó
ÒOh,
hello, darling. DidnÕt he tell
you? Spock, youÕre terrible at
surprises. IÕm at our house in
Nantucket with the children and Sarek.
You and Spock have never had a chance to be alone and he wanted that for
you—I assume he hasnÕt told you that, either?Ó She glared through the screen and Chapel
had the distinct feeling the expression was only meant for Spock.
ÒNantucket? Not Vulcan?Ó
ÒWhy
would I be on Vulcan?Ó
ÒShe
heard us talking last night, mother.
About the person I did not love, who was forced on me, the one with no
standing on Vulcan. She thought we
were talking about her.Ó
ÒOh,
no wonder you seemed so mad at us.
Christine, we were talking about TÕPring. Spock would never say that about
you.Ó She seemed to feel the frost
in the room even over the comm lines. ÒAlthough itÕs clear heÕs got a lot of
explaining to do since you donÕt seem to know
he would never say that about you.
I expect to see you both here once youÕve worked things out.Ó
Chapel
grabbed the communicator from Spock.
ÒWait, so youÕre not taking the children away from me?Ó
ÒNo,
Christine, I am not.Ó
ÒBut
you were talking in Vulcan.Ó
ÒAbout
SpockÕs surprise. His obviously
very ill-conceived surprise. I will
have words with my son when he gets here, I promise you. I would never have agreed to surprising
you if IÕd thought that you would react this way. IÕm a mother, too, my dearest. I canÕt imagine what youÕre going
through.Ó She sighed. ÒIÕll be the best grandmother in the
world. And Sarek is surprisingly
good with them—heÕs just arrived.
Wait till you see him with Sybok.
The resemblance is uncanny.Ó
Chapel
nodded, unable to stay mad at her.
ÒAll right. But I may kill
your son, just so you know.Ó
ÒYou
may have my permission to do that.
Just so you know.Ó
Chapel
cut the connection. Then she threw
the communicator at Spock, hitting him in the chest. ÒDamn you!Ó
She
launched herself at him, letting out the anger sheÕd been feeling for too
long—anger sheÕd held in because of the children. He didnÕt try to stop her as she pounded
her fists on his chest, her blows growing less effective as she started to
weep.
ÒI
hate you,Ó she said as he gathered her up in his arms. ÒI hate that you could do this to
me. TheyÕre all I had for so long
and you took them away. You canÕt
do that.Ó
ÒChristine,
I am sorry. I have handled this
badly. I meant this to be a good
surprise. Time for us.Ó He smoothed back her hair and wiped the
tears from her cheeks. ÒI am not
good at...romance.Ó
ÒThis
is romance?Ó
He
let out a short puff of air that she realized was a laugh. ÒI am afraid so.Ó
ÒYouÕre
terrible at it.Ó
ÒAs
I said.Ó He eased her back onto the
bed, ended up with them cuddling together.
ÒI would never take our children from you.Ó
ÒWhy
not? You donÕt love me.Ó
ÒI
do love you, Christine. You were
the only thing that kept me...sane in that place. Do you not realize that? Watching you as you tried to make some
kind of normal life for our children—in that hell. It was remarkable.Ó
ÒYou
never changed the way you acted.
You barely said anything to me.
You never told me you loved me.Ó
He
closed his eyes. ÒI was afraid,
Christine. I was afraid that if the
aliens knew how much I felt for you, they would take you away.Ó
ÒWhy
would they do that? They wanted us
together.Ó
ÒThey
seemed appreciative of the status quo.
I did not want to risk changing that.Ó He took a deep breath. ÒAnd I was afraid. I am sorry that I made you feel
unwanted.Ó
ÒOh,
I felt wanted. You fucked me enough
to make me feel that. ItÕs love
that you came up short on.Ó She
fought herself free from his arms and scooted off the bed. ÒYou canÕt do this. You canÕt take my children and
do...whatever this is. What? A romantic night in the Vulcan embassy?Ó
ÒThis
is not where I intended for us to stay.
I made reservations for us in a mountain retreat.Ó
ÒAnd
I had no say in any of it. IÕm
still no better than a prisoner, Spock.
I might as well be back in that damn zoo.Ó
ÒChristine,
please come back here. We can
salvage this.Ó
ÒSalvage? What an outstanding word for us.Ó
ÒThat
is not what I meant.Ó
ÒI
want to go to Nantucket. I want to
see my kids. I donÕt actually care
if you come. Tell me how to get to
the house if youÕre not coming with me.Ó
She pulled their carryall out, threw the few clothes she had into it.
ÒI
will come.Ó
ÒSuit
yourself.Ó
He
came up behind her, put his arms around her. ÒChristine, please. I lo—Ó
ÒI
get it, Spock. You love me. It feels surprisingly empty.Ó She tried to shake free. ÒLet go of me or I will make you very
sorry.Ó
He
let go of her.
ÒIf
youÕre coming, put what you need in the bag. IÕm going to shower. Be ready to go when I get done.Ó
ÒI
need to shower as well.Ó
ÒToo
goddamn bad. You should have
thought of that earlier.Ó
Part
Three
Chapel
was in an even worse mood when they finally got to the lovely shingled house
that Spock said had been in AmandaÕs family for years. She glared at him before opening the
gate of the white picket fence and following the sound of happy children to a
back yard filled with hydrangeas, roses, and lush green grass.
She
could feel the tension draining out of her as she saw TÕSamra look up and
smile, then push herself up, bottom first, and toddle over to her, raising her
hands up and laughing as Chapel picked her up.
Sarek
was holding Sybok. ÒHello,
Christine. Amanda is upstairs
getting your bedroom ready. She
seemed to know you and Spock—I assume my son is with you?Ó
She
nodded. ÒI think he went in the
other way.Ó
ÒAh.Ó Sarek seemed to fully understand her
meaning. ÒAt any rate, my wife anticipated
a change in your arrival date. Is
everything all right?Ó
ÒNot
sure. Ask me later.Ó She sat down in the chair next to him,
smiled despite her bad mood at the easy way he was holding her son. ÒYou look pretty comfortable with him.Ó
ÒHe
is a fine child. I approve.Ó
She
sighed. ÒEven of the name?Ó
ÒThat
was SpockÕs choice, no doubt?Ó
ÒI
supported it.Ó
ÒAh,
you are mad at him, but you defend him.
Surely a good sign for the marriage.Ó
ÒWeÕre
not married.Ó Her words came out as
a snap.
ÒYou
will be.Ó He did not seem at all
concerned. ÒMy son is not always
astute in matters of the heart.Ó
ÒYour
son is an idiot.Ó
ÒAs
I said.Ó
She
laughed softly. ÒDid Amanda fill
you in?Ó
ÒWe
have been married a long time. What
do you think?Ó He reached over,
touched her hand ever so briefly.
ÒI assure you, she did not mean to frighten you. Taking the children was supposed to give
you a respite, not a shock.Ó
ÒI
know. It was SpockÕs fault.Ó
ÒIt
often is.Ó He began to gently dandle
the baby on his knee. ÒIs it not
your fatherÕs fault, Sybok? Is it
not?Ó
ÒStop
that,Ó she said, fighting a smile.
ÒI mean it, Sarek.Ó
He
stopped the talking but not the dandling.
The baby seemed to be eating up having quality time with grandpa. ÒGive my son, ignorant as he is, a
chance, Christine. That is my best
advice. I believe he cares for you
very much.Ó
ÒHow
can you tell?Ó
ÒThe
way my wife tells me he looks at you.Ó
ÒI
never see it.Ó
ÒPerhaps
you have abandoned hope of ever seeing it?Ó
ÒStop
being wise.Ó She gave TÕSamra a
kiss and then let her down when the girl began to fidget. ÒAll right, I know that grass this lush
is a new thing. Go play.Ó
ÒYou
were lucky to be rescued before she was much older.Ó
ÒYes,
we were. I donÕt want to think
about what might have happened.Ó
ÒNor
do I.Ó He nodded solemnly at
TÕSamra when she brought him a gardening glove. ÒThank you. Most kind.Ó
She
grinned and toddled off toward what looked like a spade.
Chapel
got up and followed her. ÒThe one
good thing about living in an enclosure was that there was nothing there you
didnÕt know about. Okay, missy,
letÕs see what you think youÕre going to do with the sharp, pointed shovel.Ó When TÕSamra started to dig into the
grass, Chapel found the twin to the first glove and traded her. ÒLetÕs not ruin GrandmaÕs lawn our first
day here. Why donÕt you go give
that to your grandfather.Ó
She
glanced up, saw that Spock was watching her from an upstairs window. She didnÕt smile at him, and he finally
backed away and let the curtains close.
##
Amanda
found her in the kitchen a short while later, Spock trailing in her wake, an
uncertain expression on his face.
Amanda picked up TÕSamra, put her in SpockÕs arms, and said, ÒGo join
your father, Spock. Christine and I
are going shopping. And weÕre
having lunch, so youÕre on your own with the children.Ó
Chapel
frowned as he carried their daughter away, but then Amanda winked and said,
ÒOh, it will be good for Sarek and him.
Two fish out of water. Might
even bring them closer together.
And if anything dire happens, weÕre only a communicator call away. But you and I need to talk. So come on.Ó
She
led Chapel out of the house and down to the main street, and they walked in
silence for a while, looking in store windows. Chapel felt overwhelmed by all the
things there were—after making due with so little for so long it was
strange to have so much...excess around.
ÒCome
in here, dear. They have lovely
things.Ó
ÒOh,
my accounts are still frozen.Ó
ÒWell,
mine arenÕt. Come on.Ó AmandaÕs voice was a mixture of silk and
steel, and Chapel found herself giving in, probably the way Sarek and Spock
did. ÒIs that the secret to
managing them?Ó
ÒWell,
thatÕs my secret. I think you have your own way of managing
Spock. HeÕs quite miserable at the
moment. HeÕs afraid heÕs lost you.Ó
ÒHe
hasnÕt.Ó
Well,
donÕt tell him that.Ó Amanda
grinned at her as she started going through the racks of clothing in the front
of the store. ÒItÕs good for him to
think heÕs lost you. Make him
wonder what he could have done better—could have done differently.Ó
ÒTalking
would have been a nice start.Ó
Chapel sighed and looked down.
ÒIÕm sorry. This is your son
IÕm complaining about.Ó
ÒAnd
you need to get it out. Who have
you had to talk to for the last two years?Ó
ÒNo
one. Not even him. He...he pretty much shut me out.Ó
ÒMy
son is not always the most intuitive boy.Ó
ÒBoy?Ó Chapel found herself grinning. ÒIf I werenÕt a mother, I would not
understand you still calling him that.Ó
ÒBut
you are a mother. And a wonderful
mother from what Spock tells me.Ó
ÒHe
said that?Ó
ÒHe
did. He went on at length last
night. That conversation you
overheard. You missed the part
about you. It was very
complimentary. He was actually
comparing you to TÕPring. ThatÕs
how she came up.Ó
ÒI
didnÕt mean to eavesdrop. IÕm not
usually like that. ItÕs just...IÕve
been so afraid since we got back.Ó
ÒYou
really thought he would take the children away that way?Ó
Chapel
nodded.
ÒHe
has a lot of things to make up to you.
But I can assure you.
Getting shed of you, as my grandfather would have said, was the furthest
thing from his mind.Ó She moved to
another rack, held up a red and white sundress. ÒThis would look lovely on you.Ó She thrust it at her, leaving no room
for argument. ÒOh and look at
this.Ó She pulled out a white
halter dress, sheer in a few places, opaque in most others. ÒPerfect.Ó
ÒFor...?Ó
ÒFor
when you and Spock make up. As IÕm
sure you will. Go try those on.Ó
ÒI
donÕt feel like wearing this.Ó She
tried to hand the white dress back.
ÒIÕll
find you some shorts next. Go get
in a room and do what I say.Ó A
wink followed the command.
Chapel
rolled her eyes and found an open dressing room. Both dresses fit her perfectly. The white one was gorgeous. Casual enough for a beach party but
sexy—too sexy for Spock, the mood she was in. But she could imagine it being a hit if
he really felt the way Amanda said he did.
Why
the hell did her loverÕs mother know how he felt better than Chapel did? WasnÕt something off about that? Even with a Vulcan?
ÒChristine,
I have more things for you?Ó
Chapel
opened the door.
Amanda
started to smile. ÒOh, my
dear. You know, men like to think
they like little black dresses, but thereÕs something about white.Ó
ÒIs
that a veiled reference to a wedding dress?Ó
ÒNo. I mean that dress. Look at
it. ItÕs very sexy. Spock will love it. You want it, donÕt you?Ó
Chapel
closed her eyes and nodded. Damn it
all, she did want it.
ÒDoes
the other dress work?Ó
She
nodded again.
ÒWell,
good. The rest is more casual. I know you donÕt have much after being
in that place for so long.Ó
Chapel
met her eyes, saw no pity, just affection.
ÒThank you.Ó
ÒYouÕre
welcome. Now, take your time. IÕm going to try on some things, too.Ó
They
ended up spending an hour in the shop.
Amanda kept finding more things for them to try on, and by the time they
finished, they had quite the haul.
ÒCan you deliver these to my house, Laura?Ó Amanda asked the woman
behind the counter.
ÒDonÕt
I always? Peter?Ó
A
teenaged boy poked his head out from the back room.
The
woman smiled at him. ÒDelivery,
son.Ó
He
came out, took the address, smiled at Amanda and Chapel, and loaded their bags
on his bicycle cart. Chapel tried
to picture Sybok at that age. It
seemed impossible now, but she imagined soon enough sheÕd be looking back,
wondering where the years had gone.
ÒHeÕll
get them there safe and sound and you can enjoy the rest of your day, Amanda.Ó
ÒThank
you, dear. See you next time.Ó Amanda took ChapelÕs arm and said, ÒA
little more shopping, then what would you say to a big, juicy hamburger? Maybe with a bowl of clam chowder to
start? IÕm so sick of vegetarian
food I could scream.Ó
Chapel laughed. ÒI wouldnÕt say no
to a cheeseburger.Ó
ÒWonderful. What our men donÕt know wonÕt hurt
them.Ó
##
Chapel
found Spock in the childrenÕs bedroom, sitting on the window seat—clearly
heÕd been watching for her and Amanda—while TÕSamra and Sybok
napped. She cocked her head toward
the hallway, saw him nod and get up to follow her out.
The
packages from the store were in the bedroom. She frowned and Spock said, ÒMy father
said these were not my motherÕs size so I brought them up for you.Ó
ÒBut
you donÕt know my size, do you?Ó
ÒI
do not.Ó
ÒWhy
would you? We were naked the whole
time we were in the zoo.Ó She
closed the door then walked to the window, saw that they had a lovely view of
the back yard and if she moved just right, of the water.
She
could hear Spock coming up behind her.
Before he got too close, he asked, ÒIs this all right?Ó
She
couldnÕt remember him ever sounding so tentative. ÒDepends on what you have in mind.Ó
He
moved closer, put his arms around her waist, settled his chin on her
shoulder. ÒJust this.Ó
She
relaxed against him. ÒThis is
fine.Ó
ÒI
am sorry, Christine.Ó
She
nodded.
ÒI
wanted to surprise you.Ó
ÒOh,
you did that.Ó
ÒShock
and surprise are two different things.Ó
He slowly moved until he was nuzzling her neck. ÒIs this still all right?Ó
ÒYes.Ó
ÒI
miscalculated. I will not do it
again.Ó
ÒYou
donÕt talk to me, Spock. We spent
two years not talking. Making
babies but not talking.Ó
ÒWe
made two beautiful children.Ó
She
laughed softly. ÒYou still could
have found time to talk to me. The
effort of child-making wasnÕt that tough.Ó
ÒI
will do better from now on.Ó He
breathed out slowly, as if holding her was a relief of some kind. ÒI missed you today. We have not been apart.Ó
ÒBeing
apart is healthy.Ó
ÒI
am aware of that. Still, I missed
you.Ó He turned her to face him,
brushed her cheek with his fingers.
ÒYou did not miss me, did you?Ó
ÒNot
really. But then I had a wonderful
time with your mother. IÕve missed
that. Having a friend—another
woman to talk to. While you were
stuck here with your dad.Ó
ÒYou
talk to my father quite easily.Ó
ÒI
canÕt help that.Ó
He
held up his hand. ÒThat was not
criticism. More...envy. He and I...even with the children, we do
not work.Ó
ÒHe
loves our children, though.Ó
ÒYes. He does not even seem to mind SybokÕs name—did you tell him you chose it?Ó
She
smiled. ÒNo, he guessed you chose
it. And I told him I supported your
choice.Ó
He
pulled her closer. ÒYou defended me
to him?Ó
ÒYes. Twice actually.Ó
ÒMost
unexpected given the level of ire you are feeling.Ó
ÒI
love you. Just because IÕm hurt and
mad as hell at you, doesnÕt mean he can disrespect you to me.Ó She could feel her smile turn a little
bit mean. ÒOnly I get to do that.Ó
ÒI
believe I understand that logic.Ó
He was staring at her with the most helpless look sheÕd ever seen him
wear.
ÒWhat
is it, Spock?Ó
ÒWe
have time before the children wake.
Please come to bed.Ó
ÒYou
want to have a quickie? After
everything thatÕs gone on?Ó
ÒWe
need to reconnect. It has been so
long.Ó He leaned in, moving slowly
enough that she could pull away at any time.
She
didnÕt pull away, leaned into his kiss, let him draw her away from the window,
let him ease her clothes off, reach over and lock the door, then push her down
to the bed.
He
was gentler than heÕd ever been with her, and he took his time despite them not
having much of it, making sure she was very happy and relaxed before he moved
over her. ÒI want to meld with you,
but we need to wait for that.Ó
ÒWhy?Ó
ÒBecause
you donÕt trust me yet. And you
donÕt like me. You only love me.Ó
ÒThatÕs
true.Ó
ÒWhen
we have all three, then weÕll meld.
In the meantime...Ó He slid
into her and she moaned, heard the sound echoed back to her as he groaned and
began to move.
ÒNo
one is watching us,Ó he said as he leaned down to kiss her. ÒFinally, no one is watching us.Ó
ÒItÕs
only us here.Ó She ran her hands
through his hair—it felt so different now that it was short
again—and smiled when he closed his eyes at her touch. She wasnÕt sure how this was any
different than the hundreds of times theyÕd had sex, but it was. He was...present, was the only way she
could think of it. In the way he
brushed her hair off her face. In
the way he met her eyes, how his lips nearly ticked up, how he kissed her and
the soft, helpless noises he was making as she kissed and stroked and clenched.
ÒGod
help me, Spock. I love you so.Ó
ÒI
love you,Ó he said with no hesitation, then he stopped moving. ÒI do love you, Christine.Ó
He
kissed her, gently at first, then more fiercely, as if telling her that she was
his, that he really was afraid, as Amanda had said, that he was losing
her. He started to thrust, harder
and harder, and Chapel moaned, feeling another climax coming, riding it out as
he continued to move, until he too came, burying his face in her hair to muffle
his cries.
They
lay together, both breathing hard, no appreciative audience making comments or
clapping, just the two of them in this beautiful, soft bedroom.
He
stirred enough to kiss her cheek, to roll and bring her with him, half lying on
her side, half on him. ÒWe needed
this.Ó
She
nodded and ran her finger down his cheek, saw him close his eyes, his lips
turning up in the closest thing sheÕd seen to a smile. He looked so relaxed, so...happy.
ÒAh,Ó
he murmured. ÒOur son awakes.Ó
A
moment later, she heard the crying.
ÒGet those clothes back on because naked is not our natural state
anymore.Ó She leaned down, kissed
him quickly. ÒThat was really
nice.Ó
ÒI
concur.Ó He watched as she pulled
on her clothes, caught the garments she tossed to him. ÒMy father thinks we should teach the
children to swim while we are here.Ó
ÒOkay.Ó
ÒYou
are not going to say they are too young?Ó
ÒI
learned to swim when I was TÕSamraÕs age.
They have no fear at that age.
And weÕll be with them.
TheyÕre not going to learn on Vulcan, are they? How many swimming pools are there?Ó
ÒNot
many. Offworlders
are the only ones who have them generally.Ó
ÒThen
teach them while weÕre here. Then
we donÕt have to worry about them drowning because they canÕt swim. Drowning for other reasons IÕll still
obsess over.Ó She smiled at
him. ÒBecause thatÕs what mothers
do.Ó
ÒI
believe fathers do that too.Ó He
got up and pulled on his pants. ÒI
was unduly diligent in following TÕSamra around the yard this afternoon. My father told me I was smothering her.Ó
ÒWeÕre
not used to having to worry about all these...hazards. The enclosure was safe. Nothing there but what was always
there. Or what the aliens put
in. And they were
careful—didnÕt want to damage the merchandise.Ó She followed him into the
childrenÕs room and picked up Sybok, who stopped crying as soon as he nuzzled
his nose into her neck.
ÒSee,
he too finds your scent comforting.Ó
ÒPapa,Ó
a little voice sounded from across the room.
Chapel
looked at Spock, and they both turned to look at TÕSamra. She was sitting up in bed, a big smile
on her face, holding her hands up for Spock.
ÒDid
she finally say something?Ó Chapel asked softly.
ÒPapa.Ó She stretched out her arms and opened
and closed her hands at him.
ÒIndeed. And it is an order. Like mother, like daughter.Ó
ÒMore
like grandmother, like daughter.Ó
Chapel laughed and pushed him toward the bed. ÒGo make the little martinet happy.Ó
He
bent down, picked up TÕSamra and swung her around with enough restraint to
still be within the bounds of Vulcan dignity—but just barely. Chapel had a sneaking suspicion he was
thrilled beyond words that sheÕd called his name first.
Sybok
was still happily nuzzling her neck, so she walked over to TÕSamra, said,
ÒLittle minx, what took you so long?
I bet now we wonÕt be able to stop you from talking, will we?Ó She leaned in and kissed her daughter.
TÕSamra
reached over, giving Chapel one of the rare caresses on the cheek that always
melted her heart. ÒMama,Ó she
said.
ÒWe
might want to rethink Jim as a godfather for this one. She does not need any lessons on how to
steal hearts and manipulate people.Ó
But she was grinning from ear to ear—she loved the way that ÒmamaÓ
sounded when her daughter said it.
##
She
wore a red sweater and khaki shorts that sheÕd bought with Amanda down to
dinner; it felt great to be out of the Starfleet-issued clothing. She caught Spock looking at her as they
sat at the table in the back yard, smiled at him, and was surprised when he
reached under the tablecloth and let his hand settle on her thigh.
Amanda
was too busy trying to get TÕSamra to say ÒNa-na, Na-naÓ to notice, but Chapel thought she saw Sarek try to hide
a flicker of a smile. She met his
eyes; one eyebrow went up and then he went back to telling Sybok about his long
and storied family history. Chapel
admired his ability to eat and hold the baby—neither she nor Spock had
managed it with such skill.
ÒWas
he that good with you?Ó she murmured into SpockÕs ear.
He
shook his head, and she thought she saw both a trace of regret that this was a
side of his father heÕd never known, as well as pride that his son was so
accepted. She reached down, laid
her hand on top of his, and rubbed gently.
ÒSo,
darling, I was thinking.Ó Amanda
turned to look at her. ÒA friend of
mine has a house on MarthaÕs Vineyard that is free this weekend. If you and Spock would like some alone
time?Ó
ÒMy
wife...Ó Sarek glanced quickly at
Chapel. ÒShe does not mean to
meddle.Ó
ÒOh,
of course I mean to meddle. SpockÕs
surprise was poorly executed to be sure, but his heart was in the right
place. He canÕt help it if he comes
from a long line of idiots when it comes to romantic gestures.Ó
Sarek looked down, and Chapel bit back a smile.
ÒItÕs
a beautiful house. Very
private. Just the thing
for...reconnecting.Ó
ÒYou
mean sex.Ó Chapel let her own
eyebrow go up.
There
was a very awkward silence broken by TÕSamra suddenly saying ÒNana,Ó and
hitting Amanda on the arm lightly.
ÒNana.Ó
ÒOh,
there you go, my smart girl. Now,
what shall we have you call Sarek?Ó
ÒShe
can call me whatever she desires. I
see no reason to force my will on the child.Ó
Spock coughed.
Sarek
looked at him. ÒWhat?Ó
Chapel
took a deep breath and tried not to laugh.
She looked at Spock. ÒDo you
want alone time?Ó
He
nodded. No hesitation. No looking
at his father to see what he thought.
Just yes.
ÒOkay,
then. MarthaÕs Vineyard it is.Ó
ÒOh,
perfect. IÕll comm
her and tell her. And pack that
white dress, Christine.Ó Amanda
gave her a very wicked smile. ÒIÕm
sure youÕre going to need it.Ó
There
was another slightly awkward silence.
This time TÕSamra did nothing to ease it.
##
The
house on MarthaÕs Vineyard was a lovely little cottage with a sweet
wisteria-covered veranda. Chapel
and Spock arrived midday, bummed around town for a bit, then went back to the
house to relax before dinner.
She
changed into the white dress and came out to where Spock was sitting on the
swing on the veranda, and saw something change in his eyes as he took her
in. ÒYou approve?Ó
ÒVery
much so.Ó
She
twirled slowly, so he could really take in the dress. ÒYour mother made me get this.Ó
ÒMy
mother has excellent taste.Ó He
held his hand out. ÒWhat would you
like to do tonight?Ó
She
walked over to him. ÒYou want me to
take your hand? Right here, in
front of whoever might see us?Ó
He
didnÕt drop his hand. ÒThis is a
fairly private house, but yes, I do.Ó
She
took his hand and let him pull her down beside him. As she suspected, he drew the line on
putting his arm around her, but he did keep a tight hold on her hand as they
gently swung back and forth on the veranda. ÒIÕm hungry.Ó
ÒAs
am I.Ó
ÒIÕm
hungry for something other than vegetables pretending to be meat.Ó
ÒMy
mother chooses to be a vegetarian because as the wife of the Vulcan ambassador,
being a carnivore would be...awkward.
But you are under no such constraint. If you wish to eat meat, eat meat. After this many years around humans, I
can assure you that I am no longer squeamish.Ó
ÒWhat
if I come to bed with meat breath?Ó
She laughed softly.
ÒBrush
your teeth before you come to bed.
But you usually do. You are
quite diligent about dental hygiene.Ó
He squeezed her hand. ÒYou
do not have to change for me, Christine.
Did you think you did?Ó
ÒI
did in the zoo. And our
children...Ó
ÒThey
are three-quarters human. They
will, at some point, express their own preferences. They are our children, after all, and neither of us have difficulty
expressing ourselves.Ó
She
sighed. ÒExcept with each
other.Ó She turned so she could see
his face. ÒSpock, didnÕt it occur
to you that I might be lonely? That
I might need someone to talk to in that place?Ó
ÒIt
did. But it also occurred to me
that if they took you away from me, you might be in a far worse state than
simply lonely. I thought...I
thought that if I could connect with you through the sex, it would make up for
everything else.Ó
ÒYou
thought wrong.Ó
ÒAnd
I will not make that mistake in the future, I assure you.Ó He let go of her hand, touched her
cheek. ÒI am not sure that I could
convey, even through a meld, the level of misery I felt in that situation. I do
not mean with you. I mean being
observed, the lack of privacy, the humiliation. You were the only thing that kept me
grounded. I mean that
sincerely. I know you believe my
fears of losing you were unfounded, but to me they were very real.Ó
ÒI
was that important to you?Ó
ÒYou
were my world, Christine. You and
the children. The fact that I
failed to convey that to you is something I will endeavor to make up to you for
the foreseeable future.Ó
ÒOn
that we are agreed.Ó She smiled,
was happy to see his lips tip up slightly.
ÒSo, you asked me what I wanted to do. Can we walk until we find a place that
looks good?Ó
ÒWe
can do anything you like.Ó He gave
her a very slow once over. ÒYou
look beautiful. I find I have other
things on my mind as well.Ó
ÒWell,
youÕll have to wine and dine me before you can have your way with me. Or at least buy me some clams. ThereÕs a casual little place by the
water your mother said was really good.Ó
ÒI
am quite willing to take you to the finest place in town.Ó
ÒI
know. But I donÕt need that. I donÕt need the trappings of a
relationship, Spock. I want the
relationship.Ó She leaned against
him, rested her head on his shoulder without thinking, but he didnÕt say
anything so she kept it there. ÒI
want us to have a nice little beach dinner like any other couple.Ó
ÒAnd
talk.Ó
ÒAnd
talk. And enjoy having the kids
with your parents. And then come
home and make love.Ó
He
made a sound—a happy one.
ÒWhat
was that for?Ó
ÒYou
finally said make love. Rather than
having sex or the other word you often use.Ó
She
laughed. ÒThat word youÕd never
say. Have you ever said it? Will your lips melt off if you say it?Ó
ÒI
can say it. I just choose not to.Ó
She
ran her hand up and down his leg, keeping close to his knee in case anyone was
watching. ÒMy mistake.Ó
ÒWe
should go, Christine, before I decide eating is overrated.Ó The look in his eyes told her he wasnÕt
kidding.
She
laughed and pulled him out of the swing, then let go of his hand. They walked into town, talking about
what they thought TÕSamra and Sybok were getting up to, how many outfits Amanda
had probably bought them, and what their daughter would end up calling Sarek
now that sheÕd landed on ÒNanaÓ for her grandmother.
It
was an easy conversation to have, an easy way to start talking to each other,
but Chapel knew they had a lot more they needed to talk about. Like what they were going to do now that
they were back. When Jim had
mentioned having a place for them on the ship, Spock had seemed...open. She wasnÕt thrilled at the idea of that,
but if that was what Spock needed to do, she would adjust. She wasnÕt sure she wanted to bring the
topic up tonight though.
She
was afraid theyÕd end up in a fight.
Even though she was willing to bend—bend so far she might come
close to breaking—she was still not feeling sure of him and was pretty
sure that picking a fight wasnÕt beneath her.
She
sighed and he looked over at her.
ÒWhat
is it?Ó
She
shook her head.
ÒTell
me. Or is it only I who is expected
to be more communicative?Ó
She
stopped walking, met his eyes.
ÒThatÕs a little harsh.Ó
ÒActually,
it is not. What are you thinking
about that has you tensing? I can
feel your anxiety from here.Ó
ÒLetÕs
wait till dinner.Ó
He
nodded toward a bench that overlooked the water. ÒI think now would be preferable.Ó
ÒFine.Ó She sat down next to him and said, ÒIÕm
unsettled because I donÕt know what weÕre doing about our next postings. Well, I donÕt know what youÕre doing. IÕm staying on Earth, obviously, since
families donÕt belong on starships, and even though I donÕt think itÕs my
responsibility to stay with the kids, I find that I want to.Ó
ÒIronic,
given that you were uncertain if you would take to motherhood.Ó
ÒYeah,
yeah. But itÕs not my damn duty,
letÕs be clear on that. ItÕs my
choice. It may not always be,
though.Ó
ÒUnderstood. I have put out feelers at Starfleet
Command. The assumption was that I
would wish to rejoin Jim on the Enterprise. Once I made it clear that this was not
the case, I have had some interesting conversations.Ó
ÒWhen
did you find the time to do that?Ó
ÒWhen
you were angry at me, when youÕd gone shopping with my mother.Ó
She
laughed. ÒI appreciate that. But, Spock, if your best destiny is with
Jim, you should be on the ship.Ó
ÒI
am not sure that my best destiny is with him. Or at least not right now. We are in a tentative state and the
children are young. When they are
older, when you and I are on more solid ground, perhaps then it will be time to
move back into space, to again serve at his side.Ó He touched her hand gently. ÒHave you decided what you will do?Ó
She
nodded. ÒStarfleet Medical has
several interesting billets.
Diagnostic or research, my pick.
Daycare onsite. ItÕs too
good to pass up. So you could join Jim. If you want to.Ó
ÒYes,
I see that the children will be well cared for during the day. But what of you? What of you and me?Ó
She
shrugged.
ÒIf
we had no children, then I would return to the ship if you came too. But that cannot be as you have said, so
I will stay here with you. You are
important to me, Christine. Jim
will understand.Ó
ÒWhat
if he doesnÕt? He gave up David for
the stars.Ó
ÒDoctor
Marcus forced him to. You are not
forcing me to, are you?Ó
ÒIÕm
not. I just need to know how to
plan for the future. How much of my
heart to give you.Ó
ÒYou
will stay with me, though? Even if
I were to choose the ship and Jim?Ó
She
nodded.
ÒBut
I would have less of you?Ó
ÒI
think so. IÕd have to protect
myself.Ó
ÒWhich
is precisely why I have to stay. In
the future, if you were more secure in my love, would you feel the same way?Ó
ÒNo. I let Roger go without
obsessing—well until he disappeared.Ó She shook her head and laughed
softly. ÒOf course look how well
that went.Ó She winked to let him
know she wasnÕt being terribly serious.
ÒNow I feel guilty. Like IÕm
keeping you from something you want to do.Ó
ÒDo
I appear at all upset that I am not going?
Jim has been without me for two years, Christine. It is not as if we disappeared a few
weeks ago. He will get over
this. I have my mate to put first,
my children.Ó
ÒYour
mate.Ó She shook her head. ÒThat used to be a favorite fantasy.Ó
ÒI
would rather you were my wife.Ó
ÒIÕm
not ready for that.Ó
ÒWill
you tell me when you are? I do not
wish to annoy you by asking repeatedly.Ó
She
nodded. ÒWill you surprise me with
some ring I wonÕt like?Ó
ÒNo,
if you wish for us to have rings—and I am agnostic on that—then we
will pick them out together.Ó
ÒYouÕre
learning, mister.Ó
His
lips ticked up. ÒAnd the bond can
be done whenever you are ready—it is a private matter between us. There does not have to be a ceremony on
Vulcan unless you wish it.Ó
ÒI
donÕt wish it.Ó She glanced over at
him. ÒUnless you do?Ó
ÒI
would not be opposed to it, but it is not necessary. Mother will be disappointed. I believe she would love to show off her
mostly human family.Ó
Chapel
laughed. ÒThat I believe. In the interest of harmony with the rest
of the clan, letÕs not let her do that.Ó
ÒAgreed.Ó He touched her hand again. ÒAre you feeling less unsettled?Ó
She
nodded. ÒThank you.Ó
ÒMay
we go eat now?Ó
ÒYou
just want to get back to the cottage and have sex.Ó
ÒThat
may well be. But I am also hungry.Ó
##
Chapel
sighed happily as she finished her clam strips and the bucket of steamers. Spock had managed to make a meal out of
cold slaw and sweet potato fries, which she had to admit were really good. SheÕd stolen so many of the fries, heÕd
had to go back for a second order.
HeÕd
done it with a fond look. Clearly
he was of a mind to indulge her tonight.
As they left the restaurant, he nodded to a shop across the street. ÒMy mother told me they sell the best
ice cream on the island.Ó
ÒAre
you an ice cream fan?Ó
ÒNo. But you like it.Ó
She
bumped up against him. ÒIÕm
pleasantly full right now. But if I
have dessert, IÕll be overly full and IÕm afraid I wonÕt want sex.Ó
He
took her arm and turned her away from the ice cream shop. She laughed, loudly enough to make
several couples turn and look at them, probably wondering what could be so
funny coming from a Vulcan.
He
did not drop his hand, and she murmured, ÒYou feeling all right?Ó
ÒIt
is not the nature of Vulcans to linger on what might have been, but I find
myself wishing I could redo our time in the enclosure. That I could have found a way to make
you understand what you mean to me.Ó
He finally let go of her arm.
ÒI would like to try something when we get back to the cottage. It may not work, but it will not be
dangerous if I fail.Ó
ÒWill
it be dangerous if you succeed?Ó
She grinned at his look.
ÒWell, you left that wide open.Ó
ÒI
did. No, it will not be hazardous. I wish to show you with a meld what I
was feeling during our time in the zoo.
I am adept at retrieving other peopleÕs memories. I have never attempted to show anyone
mine before.Ó
ÒAn
adventure, then.Ó
He
nodded. ÒAn important one, if I can
achieve it. I want you to feel, not just take it on faith.Ó
ÒIronic
coming from a Vulcan.Ó
ÒDo
you think my father does not feel deeply for my mother? Emotions are part of us, even if we seek
to master them.Ó
ÒMastering
them wasnÕt the problem in the zoo.
Sharing them was.Ó She
bumped up against him again, trying to show him she wasnÕt mad. ÒBut I love that youÕre willing to try
this.Ó
She
looked up at the sky, a blaze of orange and pink as the sun set, and said
softly, ÒI almost gave up ever seeing a sunset again. Almost thought the only sky weÕd ever
see was the gray roof of our enclosure.
That TÕSamra and Sybok would grow up thinking that was normal.Ó
ÒI
know. I felt that way as well.Ó
She
stopped and watched as the sky darkened, felt him settle his hand on the small
of her back and pressed back against it.
ÒI feel this, Spock. Even if
what you want to try doesnÕt work, I feel us now. And itÕs different than it was. So itÕs okay if you canÕt show me what
was. What is and what will be are
really all that matter.Ó
He
leaned forward, his breath hot on her neck near her ear. ÒA wonderful attitude. And normally I might agree with
something that lets me off the hook so easily. But we both know time is far from linear
at its most basic state. The past
will forever influence how you feel about us. Therefore I would prefer to change the
base variables if possible.Ó
She
leaned back. ÒIsnÕt science sexy?Ó
He
exhaled quickly, and she realized he had just laughed. ÒIndeed.Ó
ÒI
do love you, Spock.Ó
ÒBut
perhaps you could like me better?
Trust me more?Ó
ÒPerhaps
you canÕt force that, though?
YouÕre always one for the quick path.Ó She took a deep breath. ÒOkay, IÕm done sky gazing.Ó
ÒI
will not force this. I promise you
that.Ó
She
glanced at him and gave him a knowing smile. ÒIÕm not sure you can help
yourself. ItÕs sort of your basic
nature.Ó Her smile grew wider. ÒI imagine you may find yourself in a
battle of wills with our daughter when she grows older, but I may have to do
some end runs for Sybok.Ó
ÒYou
think I will treat him as my father did me?Ó
ÒBecause
no one ever repeats patterns?Ó She
took his arm for a moment. ÒYes, I
think you might try to run his life.Ó
ÒHe
may not mind that, may not fight me the way I did my father. We may, in fact, be quite in sync in our
goals and aspirations for him.
Moreover, Christine, he is an infant. There is no way you can determine his
temperament at maturity from his behavior at this age.Ó
ÒI
disagree. He is a mellow child, and
we both know it. I imagine he will
grow up to be a peacemaker. Which
in this family may be a very good thing—so long as someone looks out for
him once in a while. Which I plan
to do, so stand warned.Ó She bumped
up against him. ÒJust so you know,
I plan to withhold sex if you aggravate me.Ó
He
turned a look on her that could only be deemed annoyed. ÒThat is most unfair.Ó
ÒWhat? I should withhold my cooking? Please donÕt try to tell me you enjoyed
that soup I made for you ages ago?
You never asked me to cook again.
No one I have ever cooked for has asked me to repeat the experience.Ó
ÒIt
is true. Your skills do not lie in
the kitchen.Ó
ÒSo,
see. IÕve got to withhold whatÕs of
value to you.Ó
ÒYour
company is of value. The children
are of value.Ó
ÒBut
I wouldnÕt deprive you of those things.
That would be too mean.Ó She
smiled. ÒAlthough once the kids
become teens, theyÕll probably deprive you of their company—hell, we may
beg them to deprive us of their company.Ó
She laughed, saw his eyes lighten.
ÒLife would have been easier with children that were nearly full Vulcan
than nearly full Human. You really
should have held out for a full Vulcan mate. Let the zookeepers give me to that
monster thing.Ó
ÒI
heartily disagree.Ó
She
smiled, felt him grab her hand as he pulled her onto the walkway to their
cottage. ÒIn a hurry?Ó
ÒI
find I am.Ó
ÒFascinating.Ó She took the steps up the veranda at a
run, her skirt flaring out, and he looked back at her as he opened the door.
ÒI
look forward to removing that dress from you, Christine.Ó
She
followed him in and shut the door, then pushed him up against the wall and
kissed him the way sheÕd been wanting to all evening. ÒPromises, promises.Ó
He
reached behind her, slowly unfastened the halter and let the top of her dress
drop down. He bent and kissed his
way down her neck to her chest, pushing her breasts together with his hands and
kissing where they met, then moving back and forth, sucking and licking until
she moaned and said, ÒSpock, find us a bed.Ó
ÒOurs
is just here,Ó he said, not letting go, moving back up to kiss her as he turned
her so he could push her into the bedroom.
He let go of her once her legs hit the bed, reached under her skirt and
pulled off her underwear, then eased her onto the bed and followed her down.
ÒArenÕt
you overdressed?Ó
ÒShhh.Ó He went
back to playing with her chest, then he lifted her skirt up and moved down
between her legs. ÒDo you want me
to undress or do you want me to continue with what I am doing?Ó
ÒForget
I said anything.Ó
ÒI
thought as much.Ó He kissed her
thighs, light glancing touches that tickled as much as they were sensuous, but
the way he was digging his fingers into her hips left no doubt that he was
serious about what he was doing. He
kissed his way up and up and—
ÒOh
God,Ó she said as she arched her back and lifted her hips to meet him.
He
took her to the edge and as she was about to go over, he backed off just enough
that she hovered right between coming and not. She tried to push down and find his
mouth but he eluded her.
ÒI
can tell where you are, Christine.
Exactly where you are.Ó
He
had never done this in the zoo.
Never teased her this way.
She fidgeted under him, trying to bring herself off, and he tightened
his hold and said, ÒLie still.Ó
She
settled, breathing hard, and met his eyes.
His were amused—he was enjoying this. He dipped his head down, found her
again, brought her closer and closer and then stopped just as she was about to
come.
ÒSpock,
damn it.Ó She wrapped her legs
around his neck, tried to pull him back down to her, not caring about anything
but finishing.
He
pried her legs off him—damn Vulcan strength—and held them down as
he went in again, barely touching her, not even getting her close enough, and
she murmured, ÒPlease, please, please,Ó as he teased her.
He
let go of her, moved up and kissed her on the lips, and she pulled him to her,
wrapping her legs around him, trying to grind against him, but he slipped away,
rolling to the side and whispering, ÒNot yet.Ó
He
smiled—a real smile even if it was minuscule—and said, ÒDo you have
any idea how beautiful you are?Ó
ÒI
donÕt care. Just finish me off,
please?Ó
Again
the smile and he leaned down and kissed her again, forcing her mouth open, and
she wrapped her arms around him and gave herself up to whatever he wanted from
her. As he deepened the kiss, his
tongue finding hers, she felt him reach down and find the spot, no longer
teasing, his touch sure and strong and—
Oh
God, yes. She couldnÕt speak, could
barely breathe as she came while they kissed, as her body did exactly what he
wanted it to do. He let her go
finally, let her catch her breath, and began to take off his clothing as she
lay breathing hard and trembling.
He
pulled her up, eased the dress off her and tossed it onto the floor, then let
her lie back down like a boneless doll.
He was on top of her and inside her, moving slowly, as if he was going
to subject himself to the same torture he had just put her through.
Then
he pushed in deep and stopped moving.
ÒCan you do something for me?Ó
ÒIÕm
not actually sure.Ó She
grinned. ÒBut IÕll try.Ó
ÒWhen
you clench—can you do that?Ó
She
smiled. HeÕd once called it milking
after a particularly vigorous session in the zoo.
ÒI
hadnÕt had two kids back then, Spock.
But IÕll give it my best shot.Ó
He didnÕt need to know that her workouts to keep boredom away back in
the zoo included muscles down there.
She pretended like she was doing it, saw his expression cloud a little,
then she clenched down with everything she had.
The
moan he let go made her grin and pull him down for a kiss. ÒGuess maybe I still have it.Ó
He
nodded.
ÒYou
want to see if I can get you off this way, donÕt you?Ó
ÒYes.Ó But then he pulled away and thrust. ÒAlthough it will be hard for me to lie
still.Ó
ÒSo
I see.Ó She wrapped her legs around
him tightly, trying to hold him down.
Then proceeded to do her worst—saw she was succeeding by the way
his eyes screwed up, the groans that were coming from him, and the way he was
clutching at her, and kissing her and calling her name out.
She
occasionally let up on her death grip with her legs, let him shift and thrust
and then she started again. Until
she could tell he couldnÕt stand it anymore, and she let her legs slide off
him, and he moved harder and faster, murmuring things in her ear she wasnÕt
sure Vulcans were supposed to say but that she found exciting. She clenched down one more time, heard
him cry out, and then grip her shoulders so hard she was sure sheÕd have
bruises.
He
collapsed on top of her, breathing hard and holding her close, snuggling with
her, finding her lips once he caught his breath.
They
kissed for a long time, and he rolled to his side, pulling her with him, never
letting go of her, as if to take his hands off her would be a serious breach.
ÒMy,
my,Ó she whispered as she buried her face in his chest and he rubbed her back.
ÒIndeed. That was extraordinary.Ó
She
kissed his neck. ÒThat was your
intent, wasnÕt it? For the meld you
want to try?Ó
He
nodded. ÒBut I also enjoyed the sex
for its own sake. You are a
tremendously sensual partner.Ó
She
smiled. ÒLikewise, mister.Ó
He
wrapped her up in a hug so tight it almost hurt and they lay like that for a
long time, touching and kissing and just enjoying the lovely summer breeze that
blew through the curtains of the open window.
Then
he said, ÒI would like to try now.Ó
ÒOkay.Ó
He
moved his fingers to the meld points, said, ÒOnce I am inside your mind, it
will take me some time to find my own memories and to bring you with me to
them. Will you be patient?Ó
She
knew that was not a frivolous question.
But she had learned patience in that godforsaken zoo. ÒI will be.Ó
He
touched down on her cheek, was in her mind for the first time since theyÕd
initially had sex in the zoo. It
felt right to have him there, like finally they were complete. She felt herself relaxing, hadnÕt
realized sheÕd tensed up, and just let herself drift as his presence in her
mind got further away.
She
wasnÕt sure how much time had passed when she felt him gathering her up, felt
her mind-self somehow carried into his essence, past memories that she didnÕt
try to read but that seemed to reach out for her anyway. His childhood, his brother, his father,
his mother, the Academy and then serving with Captain Pike, and finally Jim.
And
then her, one fellow crewmember among many until the Psi 2000 virus. An annoyance, at first. The memory was there and he didnÕt try
to hide it from her but it was not where they were headed and she let it go.
When
they hit Gol, she was shocked at how negative the
memories were of the place, at how stripped and harsh everything felt. How...wrong. He knew that now. But on the other side, before heÕd gone,
Gol had shone like a beacon of hope. The chance to be the perfect
Vulcan...finally.
And
then VÕger.
The meld. The emotions. And her. She was...no longer an annoyance. She was confusing to him. Jim hadnÕt been wrong. The conference—he had been jealous
of her quick affair with Handerson and DÕVal. And then
their captivity.
He
finally slowed, let them sink into the memories.
I want you to feel what
I felt. He moved them through the experiences in
the zoo too fast for her to know what he had been thinking at any given time,
but she could feel his emotions.
Misery. Humiliation. Far worse than she had ever felt in the
place. The utter lack of privacy. The stripping away of dignity. Every time he fought with her made it
worse—an audience to see that, to judge, to enjoy it.
But
then she had become pregnant and his emotions changed. He was filled with wonder. Chapel realized he had thought he could
not father a child, not without medical intervention. But fear also began to rule him. Fear that the child would not develop
naturally, fear that she would be harmed during the pregnancy.
Fear
that he would lose one or both of them.
But
he had not and she was shocked at the emotion he felt when he delivered their
daughter. She remembered meeting
his eyes and wondering what he was feeling.
It
had been joy. Abject terror during
the delivery but joy once it was over.
And pride as she lay nursing his daughter. Satisfaction.
And
love. He first loved her at that
moment when their daughter finally slept, and Chapel had looked over at him
exhausted and smiled. Her smile had
been the thing to do it.
Such
a small thing.
You had gone through
hell. And yet you had a smile for
me.
And
she could feel all through the meld that this was the point he wanted to
change, the moment he wished he could go back and redo.
He
took her more quickly through the days that followed, as she made a routine for
them, as she included him—she realized heÕd expected her to keep the
child to herself.
She
saw him walking with TÕSamra, whispering to her in Vulcan, and she tensed.
Ah, again, the things
left unsaid—or said in ways you could not understand. I am telling her here, ÒThat is your
mother. She is a scientist. You would do well to be as brilliant as
she is. She is perhaps more
brilliant than I at biochem, but we will not let her
know that. She is of vital
importance to me, my daughter—and will be to you, too. If we have any happiness here, it is
because of her.Ó
She
relaxed in his arms.
I am sorry. I told TÕSamra everything I was feeling
for you and never told you.
She
realized as she assessed his feelings that she had been his true north in all
this. Despair was always underneath
the surface, but he would look over at her and his child playing some silly new
game sheÕd racked her brain to come up with, and peace would fill him. She had been the most important thing in
his world, and heÕd known that she was completely unaware of that fact. The irony was not lost on him. Her own loneliness was not lost on
him. But as heÕd said, heÕd been
too afraid to tell her the truth, to give the aliens that power.
And
then when she was pregnant again, his fear returned. Especially as this pregnancy did not
progress the way the first had. And
as she withheld herself from him.
HeÕd been filled with panic when the aliens had taken her out of the
enclosure, sure he would not see her again. But sheÕd been returned to him. Whole and with his son. And would not have to get pregnant
again. His relief had been
genuine. He could not hurt her
again.
Not
that way, at least.
But
still she did not want him.
And
then they were rescued. And she
expected him to shut off the memories but he didnÕt. He let her see his joy at being reunited
with Jim. At being free. But he also let her feel his jealousy
over Jim, his unhappiness at how things were with her, his dismay over how he
had hurt and still was hurting her.
He
let her see what kind of life he foresaw if she left him. It was not a life he wanted.
Now
he began to ease her away, out of his mind, and she realized she had started
crying at some point, but she wasnÕt sure if she was crying for him, for
herself, for their children, or just for so many lost opportunities.
He
let the meld go and wiped the tears from her cheeks. ÒThat is how I felt.Ó
ÒI
had no idea you felt things so profoundly.Ó
ÒThat
is the conceit of Vulcan mastery.Ó
He buried his face in her hair, as if the sharing had been too much for
him. ÒLiving it again was
difficult.Ó
ÒFor
me, too.Ó She pulled him closer,
stroked his hair. ÒI love you. I love our children. I love our family. I donÕt want to leave you. I do want to be your wife.Ó
ÒYou
do?Ó
ÒYes. Not tonight. Not tomorrow night. But soon. All right?Ó
He
nodded and sighed, a long exhalation of air, as if he was letting go of all the
years of captivity. ÒYou have given
me beautiful children, Christine. I
watch my father look at them, look at you, and I know that having them and
being with you are the only things I have ever done that he wholeheartedly
approves of. It is ironic, is it
not?Ó
She
nuzzled his neck. ÒWell, he married
a human.Ó
ÒIndeed.Ó He brushed her hair off her face and
studied her for a long moment. ÒI
love you, Christine.Ó
ÒI
know,Ó she said. And for the first
time, it was absolutely true.
FIN