DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters
are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are
the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2004 by Djinn. This
story is Rated PG-13.
Three Characters in Search of a Life
by Djinn
"Well, well,
well." Spock was waiting for them
as Chapel followed Kirk into the lounge.
He was sitting on top of the bar, kicking his legs back and forth, and
stealing olives when the waitress wasn't looking. "Look what the proverbial feline dragged
in."
Chapel could tell he'd
already had a few too many to drink.
"Jim. Don't antagonize
him," she whispered.
"Me?" Kirk shot her an innocent look.
The waitress turned around
and frowned when she saw Spock reach for another olive.
"All
right, all right. I'm getting down." He pushed himself off the bar, landing
gracefully in front of Kirk. "Guess
'she' finally got sick of you two."
"Guess again," Kirk
muttered. "Even 'she' needs sleep
now and then."
Spock rolled his eyes. "She can sleep all she wants. Not like she's doing much with me right
now."
"That's not true,"
Kirk said as he ordered a scotch from the waitress. "She wrote you a story just the other
day."
"And
had to piggyback an extra story for you onto it." Spock made a
face. "Why you couldn't even resist
horning in on the actual story. My story." He
leered at Chapel. "Our
story." He waggled his
eyebrows suggestively.
Chapel rolled her eyes.
As the waitress walked by,
Spock reached over and liberated Kirk's scotch from the tray.
"Sir!" The waitress said.
"It's on him,"
Spock said with a leering smile.
"It is not on me. You aren't even supposed to like alcohol." Kirk tried to wrestle the drink away from
Spock.
Chapel thought they looked
like a couple of six-year-old boys fighting over a yo-yo. She rolled her eyes at the waitress, who
laughed at her expression. "Could
one or both of you possibly act your age?"
Spock lost his grip on the
drink and it went flying all over a very triumphant Kirk.
"There. That'll teach you," Kirk said, as scotch
dripped down his face.
"Yes, Jim. That will certainly teach him." Chapel looked at the waitress. "Bring three more, it's on me."
"Actually, it is on him,
after all," the waitress said. When
nobody laughed, she said, "Whoa, tough room."
"The drinks," Spock
said, making a motion that even on Vulcan must mean "chop-chop."
"Everyone's a
critic," the waitress said, muttering to herself the entire way around the
bar.
"Well, now that we've
pissed off the help, maybe we can sit down.
I, for one, am tired."
Chapel didn't wait to see if they were following, just walked to a table
in the back of the bar and gratefully sank into one of the chairs.
Kirk followed her, wiping his
face off as he sat down. Chapel noticed
he was blinking furiously.
"Doesn't that
sting?"
"Like a mother. But I'm not going to tell him
that." He grinned at her.
She felt herself
responding. It was hard to stay
irritated with him, no matter how his little competition with Spock grated on
her. She wasn't sure if it was just
Spock that grated on her these days, or if it was having
to watch Kirk act like an idiot every time Spock was around that bugged
her. She'd been so sure that Kirk was
mature, thoughtful, and loving. And he
was that...when they were alone. But get
him with his big green lowlife of a friend, and he acted like a Neanderthal.
Which
probably wasn't at all fair to the Neanderthals.
"Hey,
Chrissie."
She looked up at Spock,
wished not for the first time that he was more like his character. "Yes?"
"I missed you. Did you miss me?"
Before she could answer, he
leaned down and kissed her--a rough, open-mouthed, scotch-tasting kiss. She had to punch him in the groin, fairly
hard too, to make him let her go.
Spock pulled away, tears in
his eyes. "You are such a
bitch." He eased into a seat, hands
cupped over his more delicate parts. "Why'd
you go and do that?"
Kirk watched from his
chair. "Man, you never learn. She does not like to be grabbed." He took the drink the waitress handed him,
flirting outrageously until the woman began to stammer and blush.
"See, Chrissie? See how much he loves you?" Spock said, as he shifted and grimaced in pain. He moved a bit more, until he was out of
range of Chapel's feet and fists, then took one of the remaining scotches off
the waitress's tray. "Your great
captain is a great lothario. He'll break
your heart, toots. And I'm gonna be here to watch."
"Yeah, well at least
he's not cheap."
Spock just laughed. "Uh-huh.
Should I point out who's buying this round?"
She looked away.
"Why is it, my dearest
Christine, that every time I act 'out of character' you call
me on it? And every time Jim does it,
you just look the other way?" Spock
leaned back with a smirk. "It's
going to get wearing for you. Making
excuses for him all the time."
She looked around for the
waitress, but the woman was nowhere to be seen.
"Face it, babe. Jimbo is no more
the man you want him to be than I am."
"Jimbo
is getting sick of you talking about him like he's not here." Kirk got up and walked to the bar. "Hello?"
The waitress came out from
the back room, smiling brightly at him as she moved behind the bar.
Spock watched Kirk with a
grin. "I rest my case, sweetheart. He'll break your heart. Count on it." He got up, walked over to the jukebox. "What do you think? 'Stand by your Man' or 'It's a Heartache'?"
Chapel looked over at Spock. He was smiling almost whimsically at
her. As if he thought she'd suddenly
throw Jim over and run into his arms.
As if. "How about 'What Part of _No_ Don't You Understand'?
I think that's the perfect song."
He just laughed at her.
Kirk came back, carrying a
huge bowl of popcorn. "She gave me
this. Wasn't that sweet?"
"Sweet," Chapel
said. She dug into the popcorn. Appearing in so many stories was hard work
and she was starving. She tried to think
back to when she'd had some time off. Couldn't remember that far.
"God, I'm tired."
"I can wake you
up," Spock said as he walked back from the jukebox.
The bar was suddenly filled
with the sound of electric guitars as an old rock standard started to
play.
Chapel and Kirk both glared
at him.
Spock held out his hand to
her. "Want to dance? The way you did in that story? The one where we were bonded but we didn't
get along and you kept screwing around on me.
Oh wait, that's just like now."
"Only without the
bond," she reminded him.
"One
little detail." He smiled.
It was not a nice expression.
"You were hot in that one."
"She's hot in all of
them." Kirk said it passionately,
angrily.
Chapel tried not to roll her
eyes at his over dramatizing.
"My friend, you were not
in that one. Not at
all. You have no idea what a
little sleaze this one can be."
Kirk got up. "Leave her alone, Spock."
"Oh, says
you."
Kirk blinked. "Can't you act even remotely
Vulcan?"
"No." Spock laughed, then tugged
Chapel to her feet. "Dance with me,
dammit."
He pulled her to him, and she
careened into his chest. He might not
act like a Vulcan, but he was still Vulcan strong.
"Let her go." Kirk's voice was tight with anger.
"Dream on, dream
on," Spock said, taunting them both with the chorus, his voice badly off
key. When he hit the high notes, the
sound nearly ruptured Chapel's eardrums.
She tried to pull away,
didn't get far before he yanked her back.
"Let me go, Spock."
"All
right. Now you're asking for it." Kirk strode to the bar and grabbed a cup of
mini plastic swords. He carried it back
to them and held it out to Spock.
"Choose your weapon, sir."
"You must be
joking," Chapel said.
Spock pushed her away. "This is a man thing, sweetheart. You couldn't possibly understand." He pulled a bright pink sword out of the cup,
brandished it with a snarled, "En garde!"
Kirk pulled a blue sword out
and tossed the cup onto the table.
Little plastic swords went everywhere.
"This time," he said, as he went into a perfect lunge,
"it's personal."
"It's always personal
with you two," Chapel muttered as she walked to the bar.
The waitress was hurrying out. "Oh, no. We
can't have any violence."
Chapel stopped her. "Listen, Miss..." All the waitresses were named for types of
booze. She'd already met Sherry,
Riesling, and Kahlua.
This waitress had apparently forgotten her nametag and didn't seem to be
in any hurry to divulge her name. "Whatever
your name is, just let them fight, okay.
It only gets worse if you get in the way of their manliness. And how much can they hurt each other with
those things, anyway?"
The waitress finally nodded. She walked back behind the bar, but Chapel
noticed she kept glancing worriedly in the men's direction.
Chapel pushed herself up onto
a barstool and watched the two go. They
were fighting madly, swords slashing out and back, blocking and parrying, neither
gaining ground, neither giving it either.
She yawned hugely. God help her but she was sick of these two.
There was a ripping sound,
and Kirk's shirt sported a huge jagged tear; a tiny little scratch with a few drops
of blood appeared on his chest. Spock
grinned widely. "I draw first
blood."
Kirk rolled and came up
behind Spock. "Yes, but I claim
best fake-em-out move."
Spock jumped up and twisted,
coming down with his sword out. "But
I'll not be faked out for long, Jim."
He laughed in what had to be the worst villainous laugh Chapel had ever
heard, then pressed the attack, little pink sword glinting as he moved.
Kirk, chest heaving, fought
on passionately. Back,
forth, left, right. Then a crack
echoed through the bar. He threw his broken
sword down in disgust and launched himself at Spock, who also threw his sword
aside, meeting Kirk's attack fearlessly.
They rolled onto the table,
then off it again, landing on their feet, furiously trying to get their hands
around the other's neck.
Neither could get the upper
hand. Spock was stronger, but Kirk was
more agile. There was much grunting and
sweating but they seem stalemated.
"Okay, guys. You've proven you are both heartstoppingly macho.
Now cut it out."
They ignored her. Continued to circle each
other, hands reaching to cut off oxygen.
Neither willing to be the one to say uncle.
Chapel looked at the
waitress. "Maybe you could hose
them down?"
The woman held up the soda
water dispenser. "It won't
reach." She pulled the hose to its
maximum length, just barely above the bar, to prove her point.
"Oh, well." Chapel picked up a bowl of peanuts, began to
lob them over toward the two fighting men.
Despite being reasonably on target, her missiles had no effect.
"Give up, Jim. Admit that this time I...am...
superior." Spock's voice was
strained.
"Never!" Kirk spat at him.
Literally.
Spock shook his head, spittle
running down his cheek. "No
fair."
"I'd rather die than
give up to you," Kirk said, blinking in surprise when a particularly-well
aimed peanut hit him in the back of the head.
"Honey, you're not helping."
"I'm bored," Chapel
said.
They didn't answer. Just went back to their titanic struggle,
their battle between good and slightly-less good, between tall and taller,
handsome and handsomer. Chapel
sighed. She truly was bored.
"Pssst."
She looked to her side.
"No. Over here."
She looked over to her other
side, to the bar entrance where two men were standing out of sight of Kirk and
Spock. Both of them waved to her
happily, huge grins on their faces.
"Randall? Stephen?"
"Aren't you sick of
them?" Kerr asked with a wink, as he cocked a thumb back at her dueling
beaux.
"I know we're sick of
them," Penhallon said, trying not to yawn.
She nodded slowly. "I may be getting a little uh saturated
with them."
"Then come hang with
us."
She started to get up. Then sat back down with a
mocking laugh. "Who am I
kidding? I can't get away from
them. Or from
her."
"Sweetheart, she hasn't
written us in ages. She'll never think
to look for you on the Carter."
Kerr held his arms out.
"Come home with us."
She looked at the two of
them. "Us?"
Penhallon smirked.
"Surely, you don't think that those two yahoos are the only ones
who can share you?"
"But...I thought you two
didn't like each other."
"We don't," Kerr
said with a silly smile. "But we
like them even less."
Chapel looked at Spock and
Kirk. They looked like those two strangoid people the
"But what about
them?" the waitress asked.
Chapel pretended to zip her
lip, lock it, then throw away the key.
"You never saw her
leave." Kerr's voice was
no-nonsense.
"You never saw her
leave, please," Penhallon said with a gently
seductive smile.
"I never saw her
leave," the waitress said, smiling at Penhallon.
Chapel turned to Kerr, kissed
him long and hard.
"Ahem," Penhallon said.
"Go ahead, you know you
want to." Kerr looked
resigned. "I'd rather share the
action with this guy, then watch those two airheads
from the sidelines."
Chapel turned to Penhallon, let him pull her into his arms, and promptly
realized what all those other women had found out long ago. He was a really awful kisser.
She pulled away. "God, I
hate this place." She turned to
Kerr. "Don't open your mouth, don't
say one more word. I just want to
pretend for five minutes that you are remotely like your character."
"He is. He lies a lot," Penhallon
said, laughing. "Come on, let's
go."
With a last look at her
former loves, Chapel let Kerr and Penhallon lead her
back to the Carter. "Wait, isn't
Sp--"
"--Shhh," Kerr
said, holding his hand over her mouth.
"Do not say his name."
"The Captain is on
indefinite leave, it seems," Penahllon said.
"Then that means that
I'm in charge." Chapel started to
smile. Maybe this place didn't totally
suck, after all.
-----------------
Back in the bar, the waitress
watched Spock and Kirk for a moment. Satisfied
that they weren't going anywhere, she headed for the door, handing her apron to
Vermouth who had just come on shift.
"Hey," Vermouth
said. "You forgot this." She held out a name tag.
The waitress smiled, studied
it for a moment then handed it back.
"They spelled it wrong."
"G-i-n. That's right, isn't it?"
The other waitress patted her
hand. "It's been nice knowing you,
Vermouth." She grinned broadly,
looking out the way Chapel had disappeared, then back at the Kirk and Spock. "Whatever you do, don't break that fight
up." She headed for the door.
"But...where are you
going?"
The waitress laughed. "Now that I finally
have a free moment? I'm going to
write something--anything--other than TOS!" And with that she skipped merrily out of the
bar, humming the theme song to Voyager.
FIN