DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters
are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are
the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2003 by Djinn. This
story is Rated PG-13.
Thar She Blows!
by Djinn
Chapel leaned back in her
chair, waiting for the review board to pass on whatever words of condemnation
they had for her.
"Thank you,
Commander. That will be all." The head of the board began gathering up his
padds.
"Excuse me, sir?"
He looked up, smiled
tightly. "Under normal
circumstances, we'd put a reprimand in your file for going outside proper chain
of command the way you did. But since we
aren't censuring Kirk for his various escapades, I can hardly do any less to
you. And you seem under no illusions
that appealing to Ambassador Sarek to speak for your former crewmates was
irregular at best."
She did not look away. Her friends hadn't been there to speak for
themselves. And the Klingons had been
pressing their case. Sarek had been the
only logical choice. She repressed a
smile. But it had been irregular. Damned so. And Sarek would never have come if she had
not commed him.
She had met the Ambassador at
the transporter pad, greeted him as the old friend he was. In all the time she'd chased after Spock,
she'd never even come close to being his friend, much less his lover. But she had never lost touch with his
parents, not since the Babel Conference.
It had been Amanda who had kept in contact initially, first by comms,
then, once Chapel was back on Earth for medical school, by inviting her to the
residence when she and Sarek were on Earth.
Over the years, Chapel had begun to understand Sarek, and developed a
great respect and affection for him. And
she adored Amanda. She didn't think
Spock ever realized how close she was to his parents. Suspected he would be horrified if he knew.
And it was a closeness that
she was not afraid to exploit. The
Vulcan Embassy had put her comm through to where Sarek was in retreat despite
his orders not to be disturbed. She
wondered if she was on some private list of people that were allowed access,
although it might have just been her being head of Starfleet Emergency
Operations that had added weight to her claim that her call was extremely
urgent.
Sarek had come to Earth
immediately. He had stepped off the
transporter pad, all business, already reaching for the padd she held out. He read as they walked quickly to the hearing
chamber. He nodded several times, put
the padd in the pocket of his robe and said, "You realize that you could
be reprimanded for this act?"
She grinned at him.
He shook his head slightly,
as if in dismay over her bravado. But
there was no real reproach in his expression.
He never seemed to expect her to be anything other than human, and she
loved him for that.
She shrugged. "What are they going to do to me? And can it be any worse than what the
Klingons would do to my friends?"
He nodded,
a concession to her whenever she exercised logic.
She grinned wider, then her smile fell.
They'd posted guards at the chamber door.
His eyebrow rose
slightly. "Your
recommendation, Commander?"
She thought of Kirk, how he could bullshit himself out of the tightest
situation. She looked at Sarek, said
softly. "Let's just see how far I
can push this Emergency Ops thing, shall we?"
"A
bluff?"
"Damned
straight." She forced her face into its most stern
expression. The one she used when she
didn't have time for someone's crap. The one that said, "Just do it, damn
it."
The guards took one look at
her and scraped out a bit more height, standing rigidly at attention. They did not take their hands off their
holsters however.
She moved in front of the
higher ranking guard, fixed him with her most piercing stare and said,
"Ambassador Sarek is here to address the council."
"We have no such orders,
ma'am."
"You do know who I
am?"
He nodded.
She noticed he was swallowing
convulsively.
"Well, ensign"--she
demoted him by two ranks and he swallowed even harder--"if I say that
Sarek is needed, don't you think I must have orders to that effect? Orders that for reasons I don't understand
but that I suspect have to do with the competency of your unit, perhaps even of
yourself, did not get relayed."
"Ma'am,
yes, ma'am." His hand dropped from the phaser.
She noticed the other guard
relaxing as well. He obviously didn't
want to get busted down to enlisted, even just for the moment.
"Sir, if you
please." She indicated that Sarek
should enter.
With a nod to her, a nod that
did not conceal a slight amusement at her antics, he'd swept into the
chambers. She had watched for a while, then had gone back to her office to wait for Starfleet to
catch up with her.
But events had
intervened. The whale probe had arrived,
nearly destroying Earth in the process.
And Kirk and company had been the ones who saved them. They had not needed Sarek to speak for them
once they got back from their whale watching adventure in the past.
She looked at the review board
head. "It was irregular,
sir."
Not that she was sorry. She could tell by the way he narrowed his
eyes that her omission of an apology was not lost on him.
"I think you've spent a
little too much time around Captain Kirk."
He smiled tightly again.
"His bad habits seem to have rubbed off on you."
His good habits too, or she
wouldn't be in the position she was now.
Wouldn't be fighting exhaustion after nonstop hours
trying to do something, anything to stop that damn probe. If she ever heard that singsong beacon again,
she'd scream.
"You're dismissed,
Commander."
She rose, turned carefully
and walked out, her back straight, her stride firm and unyielding. The door opened and she dropped the
formality, turning down the hall to go back to Ops. When she got there, the place was bustling
with continued clean-up efforts.
Moisture in the monitors and circuits had still been playing havoc with
the systems when she'd left for the review board.
"Status?" she asked
Lieutenant Commander Roellian.
"Main
systems at ninety percent, ma'am. In a few more moments, we'll have these
babies dried out and singing at full performance." Her deputy handed her a padd. "This is what we're dealing with."
Plague on Gamma Epsilon,
brawl at the Starbase Fourteen rec facility, a shuttle that scraped the wall at
spacedock, a small pissing contest out at the neutral zone--no shots fired
fortunately--and the Klingons had broken bones of anyone stupid enough to get
in their way as they had stormed out of the council chamber. Business as usual.
But this was new.
She handed the padd
back. "Another
day in Emergency Ops."
Roellian smiled. "Ma'am, you've been on duty
forever. Why not let me handle it from
here."
She nodded. "Good idea. Call me if you need me." As if he wouldn't, and hadn't, numerous times
already. It was the nature of the
job. She was on call. Anytime. All the time. No matter what she was doing. And she'd been doing some very fun things in
the past when Roellian or one of her staff had called. There was nothing more maddening than getting
commed right in the middle of great sex.
She took a quick walk around
Operations. Everything seemed all right,
no reason to stick around, not when she was dead on her feet. She headed home, but on her way passed the
Officer's Club and decided to grab a drink first. She needed to unwind, not just sit at home
too keyed up to sleep. Besides Mike might be at the club.
Or Ron. Or Keith. Or Charlie.
She grinned. One of the better side perks of being head of
emergency ops was all the interesting men she met. Very, very interesting men.
She walked into the club,
scanned the crowd quickly. No one she
knew. Then she looked again, her
attention caught by a man sitting near the windows staring out at the
harbor. His dark brown hair, and the way
he brought his drink up to his lips then paused before taking a sip looked
familiar.
She walked over to his
table. "Hi. Is this seat taken or can only whale lovers
sit here?"
Kirk looked up at her, a slow
smile crossing his face. "Whale
lovers are out there, Commander."
He gestured at the boats.
There were garlands of roses
floating on the water.
"I think you started a
new religion."
"It's very
possible. The First
"You don't seem very
happy for a man who just saved the planet and beat all the charges against
him. Rather serious charges, too,
Captain. Command was buzzing with what
you'd done."
The waiter came over and she
ordered a beer. "Can I get you
another?" she asked Kirk.
He looked down at his drink,
didn't seem to realize he'd finished it.
She smiled. "Another for my friend
too. Single malt, if I'm not
mistaken."
He started to protest, and
she waved the waiter away. "You
would not believe the premium hours I've raked up on this job. A few good scotches aren't going to break me."
He grinned, almost
apologetically. "I keep thinking of
you as a simple doctor."
She leaned back, took a
moment to just relax. "There are
days I wish I still was that. But today
isn't one of them." She waited as
the server put their glasses down, then held hers out
to Kirk. "I beat a review board
too. Let's celebrate."
He clinked
his glass against hers softly.
"That's right. I heard I
have you to thank for Sarek speaking for us?"
She nodded. "Least I could do. It was your recommendation that got me into
med school."
He shook his head, seemed
embarrassed. "No, it was your
ability."
She laughed. "Actually, it was Spock's side note,
begging them to take his stalker away."
He didn't laugh. "I don't think he ever thought of you
that way."
She grinned. "Well, I did." She leaned back again, slid her feet onto the
chair to her side and realized Kirk had done the same thing when her foot
touched his. "Sorry."
He smiled. "We can share it. Just don't let the waiters catch us getting
footprints on their nice upholstery."
She thought of some of the
parties she'd been to in this lounge.
"Oh, I think they've had to get far worse than that out of this
fabric."
He smiled,
a wicked smile. Obviously he'd been to a
few of those parties too.
"What made you call
Sarek?" he asked.
"Well, he got you into
this mess. Seemed the least he could do
to get you out."
He looked at her startled.
She smiled. "He and Amanda are friends of mine. I spent time with them after Spock died. I know Sarek came to you. How much hope he pinned on Spock's katra
being with you. And he told me you were
taking McCoy and going to find Spock's body.
He told me off the record, of course." She smiled slowly. "Didn't you ever wonder why those
spacedock doors opened when they did?"
"I thought Scotty did that."
"That's what you were
supposed to think. How else could I get
away with it? And maybe Mister Scott
would have gotten those doors open."
She laughed. "But he did
have his hands full with the sabotage of Style's ship. Ooh, now there was one pissed off
captain. He was spitting nails when he
beamed over. Nearly
tripped over his stupid riding crop.
What an ass." She laughed, then shrugged innocently.
"Amazing what functions you can access from emergency ops. It truly is the nerve center of the
place." She grinned at him.
He grinned back, a look of
admiration in his eyes. "You're
full of surprises."
"Oh, you have no
idea."
"I'm getting
that." His grin widened. He took a sip of his drink, looked out the
window again. "I hope the probe doesn't
come back. A few generations and they'll
be gone again and we'll be in the same boat." He chuckled as he watched the chaos out on
the bay. "No pun intended."
She nodded,
surprised he understood genetic diversity that well. "Oh I think Starfleet will find a way to
go back and rescue a few more. Or screw
with their chromosomes and make more."
The latter was more likely, in her estimation; Command was squirrelly
about time travel. At his look, she made
a zipping motion over her lips.
"You did not hear that from me."
He smiled. "You're just a wealth of information,
Christine."
She smiled knowingly at
him. "Charm will not work any other
secrets loose from me, Captain."
He leaned forward. "Call me Jim."
She laughed. "You are so full of it."
He grinned. "And you are very different than I
remember."
She nodded. "My current position is
challenging. I've grown a lot in
it." She tried not to crack a
leering grin. It wouldn't do to tell him
that she'd had really good sex for the first time in her life. Nothing like excelling at
work and having a mind-blowing orgasm or twenty to give a girl some confidence.
He laughed,
his grin leaving no doubt that she was completely unsuccessful in keeping what
she was thinking off her face. "I'd
say you've gained some experience in other areas," he said carefully, his
eyes sparkling.
She let a cat-in-the-cream
smile tilt her lips up. "It's
possible."
He nodded approvingly. "Good for you." He leaned back. "It's been a while for me."
She was surprised at his
admission. "Just how many of those
scotches have you had?"
He looked at her startled, then turned an amazing shade of red. "I didn't say that out loud, did
I?"
She nodded. "I'm afraid so." She laughed, gently, with him, not at him as he
took a quick sip of scotch. "I
thought Gillian and you..."
He shot her a look. "Yeah, well, I kind of thought so
too." He exhaled loudly, the sound
almost a frustrated harrumph. "But
she shipped out."
Chapel couldn't help it. She laughed.
Hard. "Oh my god. She
kissed and ran? Left you?"
He nodded morosely. "I'm getting old. Carol did the same thing." He reached over to the table behind them,
grabbing the bowl of snacks and setting it between them. "Used to be they'd do a lot more than
kiss."
"And you were the one
that ran." She smiled, dug into the
food eagerly. She hadn't eaten in hours
and the beer was going to her head.
"It wasn't running. Exactly. I had a duty, to the ship. To all of you. I was the captain."
She nodded. And he didn't crap in his nest. It was something she always kept in mind
whenever Roellian looked too appealing after happy hours. "Yeah, I get that now. Not sure I would have before I was in
charge."
"It's a lonely life,
sometimes. Although,
you don't seem particularly lonely."
"I'm not on a ship. Plenty of people here to entertain me, people
who aren't off limits."
"True." He dug through the bowl, picking out the
cashews. At her look, he said,
"Life is uncertain. Why not take
what you want? At least
from the snack bowl." The
morose look was back.
She shook her head, took the
cashews from the handful she'd grabbed.
"Here." She dribbled
them into his hand.
"That's sweet."
She grinned. "No it's not. I don't like them."
He shrugged, popped one into
his mouth. "They taste good either
way." Then he held out his
hand. "What do you like?"
She picked the almonds
out. "Thanks."
"I'd have pictured you
for the sesame sticks."
"Nope. Almonds." She
studied him. "You do seem the
cashew type. I'd have picked
that." She grinned.
He grinned back. "Define the cashew type."
"Commanding, used to
being at the top, deserving of the best."
She laughed at his expression.
"Okay, how's this? Brilliant, sensual, courageous, caring."
He nodded. "I like that better."
"They both might be
true."
He laughed. "Or you could have pulled them out of
your ass."
"True. I've gotten really good at doing that. Sometimes it's not what you answer, but how
fast."
"God, if that isn't the
truth. It's what I hated about being an
admiral at a desk. Say whatever you have
to, even if it's not right, but never look like you're anything but totally in
command of your section."
She nodded. "For what it's worth, I like to be
right. I'm not afraid to say that I'll
have to get back to someone. I just say
it really fast."
He laughed.
She was struck by how
handsome he still was. It was never
something she'd noticed in the past. Actually,
it was never something she'd allowed herself to notice in the past. Men like Kirk were out of her league. Or had been.
"So what are your
plans?" she asked.
"For
my future?"
"I was thinking for the
evening, but you can tell me about your future too."
He laughed again. "You are one hell of a smart-ass,
Chapel. I never knew."
"What happened to
Christine, Captain?"
"It's Jim. I told you that. And I doubt you forget a damn thing, so quit
calling me 'captain.'"
She grinned. "I forget things. Stuff that doesn't
matter." She smiled. Tried his name out for the
first time. "Jim."
He grinned back. "I'm really hungry. And these nuts are not cutting it."
"Me
too."
"Do you cook?" he
asked.
"No."
"Well, I do. Do you have a kitchen?"
She rolled her eyes. "Of course. But it has no food in it."
"Scandalous." He shook his head. "Want to take a walk then. See what looks good? It's been a while since I've done that. Just wandered."
"Aimlessly?"
He nodded.
It had been a long time since
she'd done that too. "Sounds
good."
As she got up, she saw that
Mike had come in. He was watching her
from the bar. He smiled, lifted his
drink.
"Friend
of yours?" Kirk asked.
"Yep."
"And a good one, if his
look is any indication. If you'd rather
stay here, I can go on."
She looked at him. Would she rather stay here? She was having an awfully good time with
him. "What do you want to do?"
He shrugged, gave her the
quirky grin she'd seem him use whenever he was joking around. He'd never used it with her before. "I'd like to find out just how much of a
smart-ass you really are, Christine."
"Call me, Chris. Christine is for those who don't know me
well. Or anyone attached to the Vulcan
Embassy." She grinned.
"Okay. Chris."
He held out his arm. It seemed a
fairly territorial thing to do, given that he knew Mike was watching them.
She smiled knowingly. "Testosterone must be a real
bitch."
He laughed so loud that half
the lounge turned to look. "Not as much
as you are," he said softly, so that only she could hear.
She took his arm. "I haven't even begun to yank your
chain."
"I'm counting on
that." He made the yanking of
chains sound very appealing.
She laughed softly. "You are evil. Or very horny. Or just plain drunk."
"Possibly,
definitely, and not yet. But mostly, I'm hungry. Come on." He drew her out of the club, into the night.
They walked for a few
moments, then he turned them toward the park.
"Tired of watching your
whales?"
He nodded. "And they're not my whales. They're nobody's whales."
She glanced over at the
harbor. "Oh, I'm afraid they are
everybody's whales. Is it true that
Gracie is pregnant?"
"It's true."
"So how do whales do
it? Chocolates and flowers seem
out."
He laughed. "You'd have to ask Spock. He's the one who melded with her."
"He melded with
Gracie? Now I understand. I just wasn't his type."
He grinned. "Not sure what his type is."
"Blonde, I think."
He looked at her in
confusion.
"Len told me about
Zarabeth. There was that Droxine
woman. And Doctor
Kalomi."
He frowned. "I never thought of that." He brightened. "But T'Pring was brunette."
"She was his fiancée,
not his type."
"Good point. And I don't think anyone would describe their
relationship as warm and fuzzy."
"No. I don't think so." She looked over at him. "In fact, there's really only one person
who seems to have that kind of relationship with him."
He looked questioningly at her.
"You."
She wasn't sure what his
reaction would be but she didn't expect him to laugh. "Not you too?"
"Well, he is awfully
fond of you."
"He and McCoy are my
best friends. How's he supposed to
feel?" He shook his head. "I think those rumors will die and
then..."
"Well, breaking every
rule in Starfleet and blowing up your ship for him was probably not the best
way to put those rumors to rest."
She smiled, was relieved to see him smile back. "Just a thought."
"I'll try to remember
that the next time something like this comes up." He was suddenly distracted. "It's still here." He dragged her over to a small service
window, rang a bell, grinning. "Just like in the antiques shop. I'd forgotten that."
Before she could ask what he
was talking about, a person appeared and Kirk was ordering something from
him. He looked over at her quickly. "You eat meat?"
She nodded.
"Good." He handed her a hot dog.
"These do not qualify as
meat."
"Shut up and eat
it." He grinned, nodded toward a row
of bottles. "Fixin's are
there."
It had been years since she'd
had a hot dog. She put some condiments
on it, moved aside to give him access to the bottles.
Once he'd finished, he led
her off again. "The only thing
better than wandering aimlessly, is wandering aimlessly with junk food."
She nodded,
her mouth full of hot dog. It tasted
delicious.
He saw her look of
surprise. "The guy who owns the
place is originally from
"You do everything with
gusto, I'll give you that."
He finished chewing then
said, "What's the point otherwise?
We both know that life is short."
She thought of Spock. How hard his death had hit her, even if she
had given up on him long ago. How much
harder had it hit this man, who was his best friend? "Yes.
We do."
They walked into the park, strolling
through quiet paths, talking softly, before coming upon an open-air
concert. In the back, behind the last
row, people were dancing.
"I never dance
anymore," he said.
"I don't either."
He held out his hand to
her. "Let's see if you're as quick
on those feet as you are with that mouth."
She took his hand, let him pull her toward the crowd. "I'm not. Dancing isn't my forte."
"What is?" he asked
with a twinkle.
"Many other
things," she said, smiling.
It took them a few moments to
find a rhythm, then he pulled her in a bit closer, his
hand tightening on hers. She followed his
lead, surprised to see that they were nearly the same height. He'd always seemed so tall to her. Of heroic proportions.
"What are you thinking
about?"
"How different reality
can be from memory."
He smiled. "Care to elaborate?"
She tried to think of how to
explain, decided it was too complicated.
"Not really. What are you
thinking about?"
"That I never really
knew you."
"No reason you should
have."
"We served together for
years, Chris." He spun her, a
little move that made her grin. He laughed. "This is one of my fortes."
"What are the
others?"
He shrugged
noncommittally.
She laughed. "Two can play that game, huh?"
"Most
definitely." He pulled her closer, until there was no
space between them. "Although, I'm
not sure I'd call it a game anymore."
"No?"
He shook his head, smiling
gently but there was an intensity in his eyes that
unnerved her.
In both
good ways and bad.
"I lost my buzz from the
scotch a long time ago." He smiled
at her look. "I say that so there's
no misunderstanding later."
"Later?"
"I don't want you to
wonder why I did this." He leaned
in, kissed her.
His lips were amazingly soft
against hers. Soft and
unquestionably in charge. She
suddenly understood why all those alien babes had been so sorry to see him
leave.
He pulled away. "Kissing is definitely one of your
fortes."
"Yours
as well." She leaned in, wanting to feel his lips on
hers again.
The kiss this time was not
quite so soft. A lot more open. She held back a moan.
"We're in uniform,"
she whispered.
He nodded. "We shouldn't be doing this."
"Or we should. Just not here. I have music at my place."
"Music
but no food?" He smiled as he teased her, all the time
running his hand up and down her back slowly, his fingers causing shivers.
"I have food. Just nothing you can cook."
"So we won't
starve? I'm very, very
hungry." He pulled her closer,
which she didn't think was possible.
She couldn't help but notice
that he was indeed very hungry.
He started to pull away. "Let's go."
"Admiral
Kirk?" A high-pitched squeal
followed the question. A young woman
grabbed his arm. "You're my hero. You saved us all."
He patted her hand gently,
careful not to turn. "Just
doing my job, ma'am."
"Oh,
sir, just one dance. It would make my day."
Chapel looked down. She didn't think he should chance it unless
he wanted to make this woman's day, week, month, and possibly year.
He seemed at a loss as to how
to get out of the dance. Chapel realized
he didn't want to hurt the woman's feelings.
Liked him better than ever for that.
She reached down, hit the communicator she always carried, pressing two
small buttons in combination. A low
alarm sounded. "Oh, crap. Jim, that's us." She turned to the woman. "Emergency situation. He's needed.
You understand?"
The woman turned adoring eyes
on Kirk. "Of
course, sir."
He smiled, let Chapel pull
him away from the crowd. "You are
quick on your feet."
"Told
you."
"How are you off of
them?"
"Well, quick isn't
always the mode you want." She
grinned at him.
"I am fully aware of
that." He pulled her off the path,
behind a large tree. Pushing her up
against the trunk, he kissed her.
There was nothing soft about
this kiss. She did moan.
So did he.
Then her communicator went
off. She suddenly hated emergency ops
with a passion.
Kirk backed away, let her
answer the comm.
"Chapel
here."
"I figured you'd still
be up." Roellian sounded awfully
chipper for someone who had just interrupted the best kiss ever.
"Something wrong,
Commander?"
"Not a thing. In fact, systems are back to one hundred
percent. I just heard that your early
meeting was cancelled. I thought you might
want to sleep in. You've been on duty
without a break."
Kirk grinned. She found herself grinning too.
"Thanks, Steve."
"No problem. See you when you get in. Roellian out."
She put the communicator
back. "He's the best deputy
ever."
Kirk nodded. "I agree. Where we were?" He pulled her back to him.
They kissed for a very long
time.
"We're still in
uniform," he said as they pulled away.
"We have to remedy
that."
"Yes, we do."
They walked a lot faster back
to her apartment than they had to the park.
As they passed Starfleet command, Spock stepped out of the main entrance.
"Captain. This is
fortuitous. I would like you to look
over my report of our mission. I believe
there are some nuances of twentieth century behavior that I have not fully
understood." He seemed to suddenly
realize she was there. "Oh, Miss Chapel."
"Commander Chapel,"
Kirk corrected gently. He moved closer
to her.
"Of
course. Commander." Spock frowned slightly. Looked slightly
uncomfortable. "My memories
are still not fully integrated."
"It's
okay, Spock," she said.
"My father wanted me to
tell you that he and my mother will be on Earth again next week. He invited you to dinner. I was not aware that you were friends with my
father."
"There's probably a lot
about Christine you don't know, Spock."
Kirk grinned at his friend.
She barely managed to
suppress a chuckle.
Spock frowned. He seemed to take in how close they were
standing, the way Kirk was leaning toward her.
"Are you intoxicated?"
"Nope," Chapel
answered for them both. Unless it was possible to be drunk on lust? Or on one of Kirk's kisses.
"Can I look at your
report in the morn--afternoon, Spock?"
"Of course,
Captain." Spock seemed utterly
confused by the way both of them were looking at him. "I will go now."
"Fine. Have a good
night." Kirk pushed her forward. He turned back. "Go watch the whales or something."
"I will meditate."
"You do that,
Spock," Kirk muttered under his breath.
His grip on her arm tightened.
Once they were out of earshot, he said, "I plan on doing something
much less esoteric."
She grinned at him. "Oh, didn't you know? I practice tantra. There is much yoga and centering and chanting
before we begin."
"Tantra's
overrated," he said, the twinkle back in his
eyes. "How much farther is your
apartment?"
"Not far."
He suddenly slowed down, let
go of her arm.
She turned to him. "What?"
"I'll be gone in a few
days. They're giving me a new ship. Probably something slow and small, maybe even
rusted."
She knew what they were
giving him. Had no
intention of spoiling the surprise.
"You'll be lucky if it can get to warp."
He nodded mournfully.
"And
your point?"
"I can't promise you
anything?"
She took his hand. "Have I asked you to?"
He shook his head.
"Then what's the
problem, Jim?"
He began to smile. "I guess there isn't one."
"I guess not."
He clasped her hand tightly, let her lead him down the street. "I just don't want you to think that
this doesn't mean any--"
"--I've known you for
how long? I was there when Miramanee
died, remember? I saw you after Spock
died. I know that you lost your son and
that there is a deep sadness still inside you because of that."
She glanced over at him, saw
a flicker of pain in his eyes and knew she was right. "I know that you are not a man of
shallow feelings, even if this is the first time I've ever gotten to know you
for myself. If this is all there ever is
between us, it won't be meaningless. I
just don't think that's possible for you."
They were at her building and
she quit talking, accessed the door quickly and led him to the elevator. As soon as the doors closed, she pushed him
against the wall, kissed him hard. He
kissed her back harder, his worries apparently assuaged.
The doors opened and he
pulled her out then stopped. "Which way?"
She laughed, pointed down the
right-hand hall. "503."
He practically dragged her to
her door, waited impatiently as she palmed open the lock. As the doors closed, he pushed her against
them, kissed her ferociously. "Get
out of that uniform."
"Yes,
sir." She pretended to take it off, acting as if
she had no idea how the fasteners worked.
He pushed her hands away,
tore at them himself. "Smart-ass
to the end."
"Always." She was
already unfastening his uniform.
He pulled her to him, his
skin hot on hers.
"Chris." He smoothed
back her hair. "An
unexpected pleasure."
She smiled.
This time when he kissed her,
it was slow and sweet. When he pulled
away from her, he stared at her for a long moment.
She could feel her heart
beating fast. This man was
dangerous. One night, and he was already
hurdling all her defenses.
"Jim."
He nodded. "I know." He stroked her hair. "I think you learned that smart-ass
routine from Bones. It's a good way to
hide the part of you that you don't want anyone to see. A good way to seem like you can't be
hurt." He kissed her again. "But she's still in there, isn't
she? The soft
Christine Chapel? The one who cares?"
She nodded. "Don't tell anyone?"
He smiled. The sweetest, most loving smile she'd ever
seen. "I won't. It'll be our secret." He took her hand. "Where's the damn bedroom?"
She grinned, grateful that he
could get them back to light so easily.
"Follow me."
"To
hell and back."
She smiled at him. "Brave words."
"Not
at all. I've already done it. For the people I care about." He pushed her down onto the bed. "I'm afraid you're in that group
now."
"Woe is me." She kissed him again. Marveled that he could make a moment so hot
also so tender.
But never
boring. As he moved over her and she moved over him
and they cried out loudly for the umpteenth time, she knew that she was on the
other side of the galaxy from boring.
Dawn came far too quickly,
faded into late morning, then early afternoon.
"You could call in
sick," he suggested as he held her in his arms.
"What about Spock's
report?" She smiled, began to move
down his body, stopped and concentrated on one particular spot.
"Spock's report doesn't
do that," he said. Then he didn't say
anything for a while, until he pulled her back into his arms and whispered,
"Another forte confirmed."
She laughed. Again. She'd always known James T. Kirk was a
hero. She'd had no idea how delightful
he was when he was just being Jim. She
looked away, feeling a sudden pang that she wouldn't get to see more of just
Jim.
"So..." He waited until she looked back at him. "What are you doing tonight?"
"You don't have
to--"
He kissed her, shutting up
her protest. "I asked what you were
doing tonight. Whether I have to ask
that is not up for debate." He
touched her cheek, dragging his fingers lightly down to her chin.
She shivered.
"If you have other
plans, then just tell me that."
She grinned. "I don't have other plans."
He grinned back. "Would you care to spend the evening
with me?"
She nodded.
His smile was very
tender. "Good."
"It's not like you won't
be back to Earth. I mean in your garbage
scow."
He laughed. "That's right. I'll be back, if you want to see me."
She nodded again.
"I think I might like
that too." His touch on her was
different. Firmer,
more possessive. She liked it.
He smiled. "I'd like to dance with you again."
"Is that what you call
this?"
He grinned. "You know what I mean. There's a little club in Berkeley. They have the best dance floor. It's dark and intimate."
"I like intimate."
"I know." He kissed her, then
looked at the chrono. "It's getting
late. I think we have to get up."
She nodded. Pulled away from him and got out of bed. They showered quickly and dressed, and she
made them coffee and gave him a breakfast bar.
They sat on her balcony, watching the even larger cluster of boats harassing
George and Gracie out on the bay.
He reached over to touch her
hand. She looked at him, saw the sheer
affection in his expression and suddenly found it hard to swallow her
food. She took a swift sip of coffee to
wash the bar down.
"Unexpected, isn't
it?" he asked.
She nodded. "But nice."
"Very
nice." He leaned over, kissed her when she met him
halfway. "Very,
very nice."
"Very, very, very,"
she said with a grin.
"Have to have the last
word, eh?" He kissed her again.
She nodded.
He got up. "Come on. I'll walk you to work." He smiled at her tenderly, then his smile
turned into a grin, something wicked hidden in his expression.
She wasn't sure what was
happening between them. Or where it would all lead.
But she knew one thing. It would
be interesting. Very,
very, very interesting.
------------------------
"Commander Chapel?"
Lieutenant Patel called out.
"Yep?" Chapel didn't
look up from the status report Roellian had brought up on his screen. The medical team that had been sent to Gamma
Epsilon was having less luck than they'd initially projected in fighting the
plague ravaging the planet.
"Call for you,
ma'am. On your private
line."
"I'll take it in my
office." She tapped several lines
of text on the monitor, shaking her head.
The normal anti-virals weren't working.
So it stood to reason that what they were dealing with wasn't
viral. She forced herself to stop trying
to diagnose the problem, said to Roellian, "Send this to
Dietrich." She started to walk away,
then turned back.
"Add a note that they should consider bacterial. Some forms of meningeal disease are difficult
to tell apart in their viral and bacterial forms, and this has all the earmarks
of Darlevian meningitis." She
grinned. "Dietrich hates it when I
do this."
Roellian nodded, began to key
in the message. "But you just can't
help it, can you?"
She laughed. "I really can't." And with that many lives in the balance, she
figured it was better to be safe--and insulting--than sorry. Admiral Dietrich would get over it. Eventually. And it wasn't like the woman could dislike
Chapel much more than she already did.
Fortunately the head of Starfleet Medical needed her more than Chapel
needed the Admiral at this juncture.
Position was often more
important than rank. And a person in
Chapel's position knew just about everything that was going on in the Fleet and
the Federation. If it was a problem,
she'd hear about it either directly or at the early meeting. She'd hear about good things too.
She walked into her office,
saw that the waiting comm was from the captain of the Enterprise and
smiled. She hit the button. "Sorry to keep you
waiting, Jim."
He looked up from the padd he
was holding. He had old-fashioned
half-glasses on. She decided he looked
unbearably sexy in them. "I like
the look. Very
twentieth century."
He smiled. "Older than that. Or at least the first pair was. But I traded them for bus fair." At her look he laughed. "Keep forgetting you weren't there with
us. In the past."
She smiled. "Nope. I was here, holding down the fort...or not,
depending on your point of view."
She sat down, leaned back.
"So they gave you the Enterprise?"
He nodded, a happy grin
crossing his face. "Did you
know?"
"Yep."
"And you didn't say a
damn thing. Didn't
even let on."
She shrugged. "I hear lots of things in this job, most
of which I can't talk about. Besides,
this was a good thing. No way I was going to spoil that for you."
"I appreciate
that," he said with a smile so open and warm that she felt a pang that he
was about to leave.
"So how does it
feel?"
His smile turned into an open
grin, filled with childlike joy.
"Great."
His happiness was
infectious. She was grinning like a fool
too. "I knew you'd be
thrilled."
He nodded, stared at her,
seemed to sigh softly. "I'm going to
miss you."
Again the
pang. "Same here. Lots." They had spent every minute they could
together before he'd had to report full time to prepare for the launch.
But it hadn't been much
time. And even if it had, she suspected
it wouldn't have been enough.
"I'll be back in three
weeks. They want to analyze the logs
from the shakedown cruise before we get too far from spacedock."
"I know." She smiled, could feel herself blushing.
"You have access to all
the flight logs." He smiled. "And you cared enough to check."
She nodded,
a silly smile on her face. "Do you
mind having a stalker?"
"Nope." His look
turned serious. "I know you see
other people."
She could feel her smile
fading.
"Chris, don't look at me
like that. I'm not asking you to
stop. I just think...it can't be this
thing we don't acknowledge."
"You've got your alien
babes." She could feel the sass
coming back into her voice, knew it was her form of defense. Knew he knew it too. She looked away.
"And you've got whoever
you've got down there. I'm not saying
that's wrong." He took a deep
breath. "I'm not actually sure what
I'm trying to say." He looked
away, but not before shooting her a glance of frustration.
She smiled. "We're both so good at protecting
ourselves, aren't we?"
He nodded.
She leaned forward, touched
the screen. Smiled when he brought his
fingers up, trying to match hers.
"There have been men in my bed lately, quite a few of them. But not one of them has wormed his way into
my heart. Not until now."
His smile was
instantaneous. "That's good to
hear."
She grinned. "I thought you might think so."
"I'll see you in three
weeks." It wasn't a question.
She smiled. "I'm counting on it."
He nodded. "No emergencies while I'm back. I want you all to myself."
"Hey, you're the one
with the big ship. You make sure there
are no problems that I have to deal with."
He laughed. "Roger that, Command."
She smiled. "Best speed, Jim."
"I'll see you soon,
Chris."
She nodded, cut the
connection. Leaned back for a moment,
content to stay in the warm and--god help her--fuzzy place he so easily created
around them every time they interacted.
A call from Patel drew her out of her pleasant fog.
"Incoming
message from Dietrich."
Chapel laughed. That hadn't taken long. "I'll take it in here." She pushed the warm fuzziness away, to
somewhere safe where she could drag it out later and indulge herself. In the meantime, she had a job to do. She reached for the comm switch, trading a
fond captain for an irritated admiral.
-------------------------
The lounge was busy, noisy
and boisterous; it took Christine a moment to realize that someone was talking
to her.
"Hi," Mike said,
smiling down at her.
"Hi."
She gestured at the empty
chair across from her. He sat.
"Did you hear?" he
asked.
"Did I hear what?"
"The Enterprise's
shakedown cruise was nearly a shake apart cruise." He laughed.
She nodded. She'd read the reports as they'd come
in. Could imagine Jim was fuming at how
poorly his ship had performed. Her heart
did a little flip at the thought that he'd be back on Earth by morning, then
she tried to push the feeling away. He'd
be in one hell of a mood, and there'd be reports to fill out and Admirals to
see. She needed to be patient.
"I saw Kirk in the
corridors just before lunch. I guess if
he's back, you'll be unavailable for the duration?"
Jim was here already? She tried to push a sinking feeling
away. He didn't owe her a call right
away, after all.
Hell, he didn't owe her
anything.
She tried not to dwell on the
fact that he hadn't even called from spacedock.
A pain she hadn't felt for a
long time reared up, but she pushed it away.
She needed to keep it light. Jim
Kirk would call when and if he wanted to.
He owed her nothing.
And she didn't owe him
anything.
Mike started to get up and
she put her hand over his.
"Stay."
He smiled the smile that
meant he'd rather go.
She stood up slowly. "My place or
yours?"
"Yours is closer."
"Mine it is." She felt a rush of something, identified it
as guilt. A surge of anger replaced the
emotion. Jim didn't own her. They'd agreed that they were free agents.
Especially
if he wasn't even calling. What they had was fun. She shouldn't give it more importance than it
had. Mustn't let her
heart rule her this way. That was
how she used to live. Back when
everything hurt and she was never happy.
She relentlessly pushed Kirk
from her mind and forced herself to pay attention to Mike. It wasn't hard; she was soon caught up in one
of his funny stories.
As they walked into her
apartment, she checked the message indicator.
No calls. Her heart sank and she
hated that hope could hurt so much.
"Everything
all right?" Mike moved behind her, kissed her neck.
She shivered at his
touch. "Sure."
She let him pull her into the
bedroom, lost herself in the carefree lust that he was
so good at arousing. After a while, they
lay quietly, talking about whatever crossed their minds, light things, nothing
of the heart.
"I'm hungry, is it too
much to hope that there's food here?"
She nodded, took pity on him
and ordered takeout. "They'll be
here in ten minutes, just hold on."
He clutched at his stomach as
if he were dying, making her laugh.
When the chime went off, she
got up, wrapping a bathrobe around her.
She opened the door, smiling, prepared to take the bag of food from one
of the usual delivery boys.
Her smile died.
Kirk stood at her door. He took in her bathrobe. "Now that's a look I could get used
to." Then he saw her face. "Chris?"
"Christine, let me pay
for it this time," Mike said, as he came out of the bedroom, uniform pants
on but otherwise unclothed.
Kirk's smile died.
"Oh. Hi."
Mike looked at Kirk, then at her, then back at Kirk. He turned without a word and fled into the
bedroom.
Kirk took a deep breath. "Sorry.
Didn't realize you weren't alone." He didn't sound sorry at all. He sounded furious. And hurt.
She swallowed hard. "Jim, you should have called." She wasn't sure if she meant before he came
over or when he arrived at spacedock.
Felt a lump of guilt warring with a more ancient hurt as she watched his
face. "I would have--"
He held up a hand. "I'm going to go."
"Look, I'm sorry you saw
that. But we talked about this."
"Seeing
it is different than talking about it." He
sighed. "I thought I could do
this. But I can't."
"Jim, come on. Why don't we talk about this
tomorrow?" She wanted more than
anything to pull him in and tell Mike to get out, but didn't see how she could
do that.
He shot her a hard look. Then he smiled, a
strange, twisted smile. "Do you
even change the sheets in between?"
She could feel her cheeks
turn red, as if he'd slapped her across the face. "That's not fair."
He looked down. "No, it's not. You're right.
I said I could do this." He
sighed, raised his head and held her in his burning gaze. "But you said I was in your heart. Guess maybe that wasn't worth as much as I
thought?"
"You show up unannounced
and this is my fault?" She could
feel the frustration rising inside her.
Frustration that was warring with guilt and sadness--terrible sadness
that this man was about to walk away.
She took a deep breath.
"Chris." He exhaled and much of his energy seemed to
go out with the breath. "I wanted
to surprise you."
"Well, you
did." She tried for a sheepish
tone, but the words came out too harsh.
He closed down even
more. "I have leave. I better go get to it."
"Jim. Don't.
We can still--"
"--No,
Chris. We can't.
I'm going to find Spock and McCoy.
There's a campsite in Yosemite with our name on it. And that's where I belong. With my friends."
He was leaving. Stop him, a little voice inside her cried
frantically.
Another part of her said to
let him go. So he couldn't handle that
she saw other people? Was she expected
to wait, to pine for him? To go back to
that life she'd hated. Waiting, always waiting.
She had left that life
behind.
"Yosemite is beautiful
this time of year," she said, as if the relationship they had forged
wasn't being smashed apart. As if they
were just acquaintances--colleagues, nothing more.
"Yes. It's lovely." He seemed to be as determined to wring
courtesy out of the situation. His words
were careful, not sharp anymore.
But his eyes were
haunted. And lost.
"Well, take
care." He turned and walked out of
her life.
The door closed and she felt
as if someone had sucker punched her in the stomach. She clutched at her middle, bending over a
bit, trying not to cry.
It wouldn't have worked
anyway. It just wouldn't have worked.
It was an unconvincing
mantra.
"Christine?" Mike came out, fully dressed this time. "Are you all right?"
"Yes," she said,
even as she realized she was shaking her head in the way that meant 'no.'
He rubbed her back, the touch
comforting. "I'm sorry."
She nodded.
"I should go."
She nodded again,
straightened slowly.
He kissed her cheek, hurried
out.
She took a deep breath. Unsure what to do.
The door chimed again.
She hurried to it, hoping
against hope that Jim had come back.
The delivery boy smiled up at
her. She took the food, stuck it in the
chiller without even opening it. Then
she went back to the bedroom, lay down in her suddenly empty bed. She stared at the ceiling, willing the tears
away and waiting for sleep.
It was a very, very long
night.
-----------------------------
Chapel sat in the officer's
lounge, staring out at the boats that chased after Kirk's whales. There were enough vessels to make up a small
fleet, all of them seemingly headed in different directions. She took a sip of her beer, heard footsteps
coming up behind her and turned quickly.
It wasn't until she felt her
stomach drop back down to its rightful place that she realized she had been
hoping it was Kirk. He was back. The Enterprise had returned to spacedock to
finish the repairs that the crisis on Nimbus III had interrupted.
He was back but not coming
anywhere near her.
"Hi," Mike said, as
he sat down next to her. "You've been
avoiding me?"
"Not
at all."
"Christine, I know when
someone's avoiding me. And you"--he
smiled, as if to take away any censure--"are avoiding me."
She took another sip of her
beer. "Okay. Maybe I am." She sighed.
"Did I do something
wrong? I mean other than be there that
night?"
She shook her head. Mike hadn't done anything wrong. Neither had any of the other men she'd spent
time with in the days after the blow up with Jim. Men she had also been avoiding.
"Do you want to talk about
this someplace more private?"
She turned to look at
him. He smiled,
all affable good-nature and a complete lack of strings. She was suddenly, utterly tired of no-strings
relationships.
"I can't. I have to get home. Alone."
She tried to smile, could feel the expression falling far short of her
normal easy way with him.
He nodded, got up. "Okay.
If you need company, you know where to find me."
"I do." She didn't watch him walk away, just sat
alone, staring out at the harbor, at the fools that were ready to chase
anything that seemed to give their lives meaning.
She put her beer down, got up
quickly and headed for the door. She
slowed as she realized Kirk was sitting at a table near the door, watching
her.
He got up as she approached,
stared hard at her. "Chris."
"Jim. How long have you been here?"
"Long enough to see you
aren't going home with anyone."
"Funny." She walked past him.
He followed her out.
"What are you doing,
Jim?"
He smiled tightly, his
expression unreadable. "Walking you home."
"I don't need you to
walk me home."
"Look, I've fallen off a
mountain, been beaten up by Spock's long-lost brother, had some wanna-be god
try to fry me, and been nearly incinerated by a photon torpedo. I don't need you to yank my chain."
"You used to like it
when I yanked your chain." She
laughed, realized it was a mocking, bitter sound, did
not try to temper it. She suddenly
realized what he said. "You fell
off a mountain?"
He nodded. "A big one. You owe Spock."
"I owe him? You owe him.
It's your life." She hugged
her arms around herself.
"Nervous?"
"Should I be?"
He shrugged. "I don't know, should
you be?"
She refused to answer and
they walked in silence for a while. Then
she said. "Spock has a
brother?"
"Half-brother."
"Oh." She didn't press for more clarity since he
seemed disinclined to explain.
She took in his outfit. "Rustic."
"I was camping."
"Doing a lot of
that?" She realized he still
smelled of bonfires and the outdoors.
"Not so much on this
end. One day was enough. Gave me time to think about
things."
"Things?"
"Actions. Ugly things that happened." His voice was matter of fact.
She didn't answer, was
relieved when her building came in sight.
"This is me."
"Yes." He stopped when they reached the door, didn't
move, just stood staring at her.
She stared back helplessly,
felt as if her will was being sucked out of her. His expression was as stoic as Spock's had
ever been, and she couldn't tell what he wanted from her.
"Do you want to come
up?" she heard herself asking.
"Yes. You sure you want me to come up?"
She tried for a saucy smile,
saw his mouth tighten and dropped the act.
"I'm not sure."
"First honest thing
you've said all night."
"Damn it,
Jim..." She wasn't sure what more
she wanted to say to him, so she turned and pulled the door open, looking at
him through the glass as it shut behind her.
He didn't move.
She pushed the door back
open. "I suppose you want to
talk?"
"I think we
should."
She felt trapped, could feel
her pulse speed up. "I'm really
very tired."
"You're also a damn
coward."
She clamped her teeth down to
keep from spitting something mean back at him, something that would sting,
settled for gritting out, "Fine.
Come in then."
He followed her in and up to
her floor.
She opened the door to her
apartment, tried to compose her thoughts.
Motioning vaguely toward the living room, she did not try to put any
welcome in her words as she said, "Sit down."
"Are you sure?"
She felt a surge of
frustration, again resisted the urge to lash out with a smart-ass comment. "Yes.
Please, sit down, Jim."
He settled into one of the
arm chairs across from the sofa.
Crossing one leg over his knee, he leaned back, studying her as if she
was a bug under a microscope.
"Can I get you a
drink?"
He shook his head. "I'm fine. But if you need another one, by all means go
ahead."
"If you're just going to
be nasty..." She sat down, couldn't
look at him.
"Nasty? You think this is nasty, you should have seen
me after the last time I was here."
He laughed, the sound was brittle.
"You know, I was so caught up in my hurt and disappointment that I
lost sight of one very important fact that night." He dropped his leg off his knee, leaned
forward. "If there was anyone in
Starfleet who would have known that the
She looked up and met his
gaze, wasn't sure what to say.
"You knew I'd show up
here. And you invited him
over." He stared hard at her. "You sabotaged us? Why?"
She got up, walked to the
window and looked out at the glimmering city.
"It's not what I set out to do.
I didn't know you'd just show up here with no notice."
"But I bet you had a
good idea." He sighed. "Chris?
Why?"
"We didn't make any
promises, Jim."
"We didn't have
time. You chopped us off at the
knees. Or maybe you were aiming a bit
higher."
She tried not to flinch,
didn't want to show him how much his words and tone hurt. "If you dislike me so much, why are you
even here?"
"I didn't say I disliked
you. But I damn well don't like what
you're doing." He took a deep
breath, as if he were fighting for control.
"Chris, I don't want to play games.
Just tell me why you did it."
A million smart answers came
to her mind. All of them to some extent
true. And all of them lies
too. She knew Jim wanted the real
truth--but she hated it, hated what it made her. A coward, just as he'd said. Pathetic, fearful. No different than the stupid nurse she'd
tried to leave behind.
"Because I felt--I feel
too much for you." She could see
his reflection in the glass. Saw him
lean back in his chair again, but couldn't make out his expression, so she
turned to get a better look.
His eyes were narrowed and he
was staring at her as if that was the last answer he expected. "Too much?"
"Maybe I will have that
drink." She walked to the kitchen,
reached for a glass, heard him come up behind
her.
He turned her to face
him. "Too
much?" Pulling her to him,
he shook her slightly. "You let me
stand in that hallway and see your lover of the moment because you felt too
much? Do you have any idea how excited I
was to see you, how happy? Do you know
what it felt like to see him here? Like I'd been kicked in the stomach. And all because you felt
too much?" He let go of her,
laughed his brittle, terrible laugh again.
"My god, Chris. What kind of sick game are you playing?"
"What about you? It never occurred to you to call first? That I might not be alone? You thought I'd just be waiting around for
you to decide to call? That I'd keep
doing that? Just wait...wait years for
you? I've been there, I've done that. It's lonely." She pushed him away from her. "What were you looking for anyway? What was it about the 'soft Christine' you
were so hungry for? Was it that pathetic
abject devotion I displayed all those years ago for your best friend? Would that have felt good to you?" She turned back to the cupboard, took out a
glass. "You think I want to go back
to that?"
She grabbed a bottle of
chardonnay from the chiller, slammed it down harder than she meant to on the
counter. Her hands were shaking as she
tried to open it.
"Let me." His voice was calmer now, and he pushed her
out of the way, opening the wine easily. He poured it, handing her the glass with a
gentle, "Here."
"Why are you being
nice?' She didn't want to turn, didn't
want him to see how shaken she was. She
reached for the glass but her hand was still trembling and he pulled the wine
back, setting it down and taking her in his arms.
"I want to be nice,
Chris. Believe it or not, that's how
relationships are supposed to be.
Nice."
"You haven't been in any
of mine." She pushed her head
against his chest, tried to block out the light. "Sex is nice, Jim. Relationships? Not so much."
"And you don't think
ours would be nice? What makes you think
that we can't make it work?"
She shrugged.
"Did I do
something?"
"No. It's nothing you did."
"Then explain this to
me. You're upset. Tell me why." He kissed her neck. "I don't understand you. It was good and you threw it all away."
"I know." The words came out as a sob. She had thrown it all away. And he was wrong. It hadn't been just good, it had been
great.
"Why?"
She nestled closer to him,
didn't answer.
"Why, Chris?"
She pulled away, wanted to
see his face. "You scare me."
He didn't answer right away,
just met her stare, sighed heavily. She swallowed, trying to think of a way to
explain it.
"Why?" he finally
asked, apparently thinking she wasn't going to say more. "Why do I scare you?"
He reached for the glass he'd
tried to hand her, took a sip, then put it back on the counter. He watched her for a moment, then leaned in
and kissed her, his hands sliding around her sides, settling on the small of
her back, pushing her against him so that there was no space between them.
She moaned, lost in the
feeling.
He pulled away, moved his
hands to her face, keeping her close as he studied her. "Is this what you're afraid of?"
She tried to kiss him again.
"No, Chris. Answer me.
What are you so goddamned afraid of?"
"You. This. Everything." She
pulled away, turned and walked back to the window. She could feel the tears beginning. Tears that she hadn't cried
in a very long time.
"Chris."
She didn't turn around. "I was in love with Roger for
years. And Spock for
too long. They were a lot
alike. Did you know that?"
He moved behind her, put his
hand on her waist.
"I can't talk about this
if you touch me."
"Okay." He backed off a bit, but didn't go too
far. "How were they alike?"
"You mean other than
being emotionless scientists?" She
laughed; it was her turn to sound bitter.
"They didn't love. Or at least not me.
Not the way I wanted to be loved.
Not the way I dreamed of being loved.
They never came through. But like
an idiot, I kept on hoping."
"The Roger Korby I saw
did love you."
"Probably more than the
real one ever did, Jim. I should have
known it wasn't Roger from the start.
That android was too warm to be the man I knew." She sighed.
"And Spock. God, talk about wasted years." She finally turned to face him.
He seemed surprised to see
she was crying.
"I gave up on ever
really being loved. And that was
okay. I found out that there is a lot of
fun to be had when you just don't care anymore." She laughed, the laugh turned into a
sob. "The ironic thing is that I
was modeling myself on you, I think. A girl in every port."
"I didn't have one in
_every_ port."
"I know." She smiled sadly at him, was relieved when he
pulled her back into his arms. She
wrapped her arms around him tightly.
"I don't want to fall in love and end up with a broken heart
again."
"So you break mine
instead. Interesting
approach, Doctor." His tone
was gentle as he whispered in her ear.
"Whatever happened to 'First, do no harm'?"
He kissed her neck, worked
his way down her cheek to her lips. She
gave herself over to him, let him set the pace.
But she still tried to keep
some small part of herself separate enough to run for safety.
He seemed to realize it,
pulled away from her, asking, "Why do you think I'll break your
heart?"
"That's how it
works."
He smiled gently, laughed so
softly it was barely a sound. "I
haven't had the best luck either, you know.
But at least I still believe in it...the happy ending." He sighed.
"So you hurt me to avoid being hurt?"
She nodded. "Only I don't think it was that
calculated. I was just scared. When I saw you were coming back, I was so
happy. I hadn't felt that way in so
long. And it made me feel shaky. Like I was back there, at
their mercy again. Waiting for a smile."
"I've given you a lot
more than a smile, lady." He ran
his hands up and down her arms, as if he could put some warmth back into her by
will and friction alone.
"If I'd known that it
would hurt you as much as it did, I wouldn't have done it. I really didn't think you'd care that
much."
"Then you weren't paying
attention."
"Maybe I just didn't
recognize something good?" She pulled away from him. "I'm not much of a catch, Jim. I'm not even sure I know how to
love." She wiped her eyes. "I'm just one screwed up
woman."
"No, you're not. You've been hurt, and you're gun shy. I should have realized..." He moved toward her again.
"I should have told you
what I was feeling." She looked
down. "But in the past nobody's
really cared what I was feeling."
"Well, I do. You can talk to me, Chris." He touched her chin, made her look up at
him. "I still don't understand why
I scare you."
She forced herself not to
look away. "Because
I'm terrified that I'm going to fall in love with you."
"It's very likely. I am irresistible." His grin was teasing, then it faded
somewhat. "Just ask Carol and Gillian."
"They're idiots. I'm an idiot."
"We're all idiots. I nearly killed myself camping, trying to get
high enough that you couldn't touch me anymore."
"The
mountain?"
He nodded. "Damn fool stunt. Climbing
"If anything had
happened to you...I'd have been devastated."
"As
you should be." He pulled her over to the couch, drew her
down next to him. "My death would
have put a real crimp in our making up."
She felt a grin, a real one,
starting. "Is that what we're
doing?"
"You tell me."
She looked down. "After that night, with Mike, when you
were here, I was so mad. At you...but mostly at me.
I didn't want to deal with how guilty I felt. So I sublimated and kept busy. Very busy, if you get my drift."
"I do hope this has a
happy ending." He looked at her
sternly.
"The more I did it, the more hollow I felt.
And the emptier my life seemed."
She reached out touched his face.
"I didn't want it to be just for fun anymore. I wanted you.
And that made me feel sick inside."
She saw his expression. "Let
me rephrase that."
"Please."
She smiled. "I wanted you and I'd blown it. And I didn't think you were ever going to
come back. And I felt sick because I
knew I'd lost you. You seemed quite
serious when you said you couldn't see me under those terms."
He nodded. "I was.
I am. I don't want to share
you."
"I know." She looked away.
"You're throwing away
love, and I don't think you've ever even known what it feels like."
"You're probably
right."
"Then don't do it. Give it a chance. Give me a chance." He kissed her. "Give us a chance." He smiled, brushed her hair off her
face. "Don't you think I'm scared
too? You know what keeps running through
my mind?"
She shook her head.
His smile faded
completely. "That there's no fool
like an old fool."
"You're not old. You'll never be old." She smiled wryly. "And you're not that much older than I
am."
"Well, I wasn't going to
say that." He pushed her back
against the cushions, kissed her soundly.
"I can't think when you
do that."
He laughed. "Then I'll have to do it some
more."
He leaned in but she pushed
him off gently. "What do you want
from me?"
"What do you want to
give me?"
"Well that's the problem
isn't it? We end up right back where I
was all those years ago."
"How
so?"
She shook her head. "Me wanting to give everything and
you--"
He put a finger over her
lips. "Everything sounds nice. Does it include your heart?" He began to run the finger lightly over her
mouth. He gave her a grin,
one that seemed to say, 'Aren't we silly?' and she felt as if a weight had been
lifted off her.
"I'm afraid it does
include my heart."
"Good." He leaned in, his look very serious. "Does it include fidelity?"
"Alien babes
too?" She smiled to take some of
the sting out.
"I'll forego if you
will."
"Well, alien babes don't
really turn me on."
He smiled. "Can I trust that the return of the
sassy Commander Chapel is a good thing?"
She nodded.
"Because I don't want to
think that you are just hiding again."
"Not hiding. It's just nice when it's light."
"Yes, it is. But that doesn't mean that's where we
live. Or where you
have to keep it to hang on to me."
He shook his head. "Or where I have to keep it to get you to stick around."
"You said you were
afraid too?"
He smiled. "Oh, you caught that part?"
She nodded. "Why?"
He looked down. "You know, earlier, when you were
yelling at me and said I wanted the devotion, you were right to a certain extent. I think I was looking for someone who'd love
me in a way I could be sure of." He
smiled, shook his head, as if laughing at his own foolishness. "But that's not what love is,
Chris. Or life. There are no sure things."
"Those hot dogs seem to
be. I've been back twice."
He laughed. "You're right. Those hot dogs may be the one constant of the
universe. But nothing else is. I've been lonely, Chris. Seeing Carol again, I thought we had a
chance, she and I. But she left. Then I lost David. "
"And
Gillian?"
He shook his head. "Gillian was just salt in the
wound." He sighed. "Then I ran into you, and my god but you
were fun. Sassy and sexy and I wanted
you more than I could remember wanting anyone in a long time. But maybe, somewhere, deep down, part of me
was saying, 'She'll love you forever.'
Maybe I had defined you as devotion personified? I don't know anymore."
"Well, I think I've
established that I'm far from that."
He nodded ruefully. "So here we are. And you know what? It's scary and the ground's not very
secure. And I know that I'm falling in
love with a woman who may rip my heart to shreds." He smiled.
"And I don't care. Maybe I'm
crazy, but I'll risk it."
She blinked hard. "You are crazy. I'm not sure I'm worth it."
"And I am worth
it?"
She nodded. "I know you are. I was empty when I thought you were
gone. I haven't felt empty in a long
time. I haven't felt much of anything in
a long time."
He kissed her, his lips
lingering gently on hers as he said, "I promise I won't hurt you."
"You can't promise that,
Jim. The most you can promise is that
you'll try not to."
"Then I promise
that. Do you?"
She nodded.
"Words, Chris. I don't trust a headshake." He grinned.
"I promise."
"I'm not Spock. And I'm not Roger. I want this.
I want it all. And I'll give
everything I have to make it work. But
we still have a problem. I'll be out on
the ship. I'm not going to give that
up."
"I know. And I wouldn't ask you to." She'd seen him a few times when he'd been
deskbound. It hadn't been pretty.
"My point is that I
won't be around much."
She looked down, smiled
knowingly. "Nice way to get out of
that everything bit."
"That's not what I
meant. I'm quite capable of saving
up. Are you?"
"You asked me this
already."
"No, Chris. I'm telling you that if you can't do this,
you should just say so now."
"Sounds like that's what
you want me to say." She pulled
herself out of his arms, went into the kitchen and took a big sip of the
wine. Her hand shook as she put the
glass down and she sighed in frustration.
"Round and round and
round we go," he said.
She didn't smile. "And where it stops--"
"--It stops here. Drop the damn act. I'm not asking you to go five years without
seeing me like you did Roger. I'm not
asking you to moon after me the way you did for Spock."
"Flattering
image, Jim. Thanks."
She took another drink.
"You're head of
emergency ops. You can hop a damn ship now
and then and go see one of these emergencies--preferably one close to the
She poured him a glass of
wine.
They drank in silence for a
while. He kept shooting exasperated
looks at her and she finally started to smile.
"So you think this can
work?" she asked.
"I think this can. I'm not going to disappear."
"And this is
exclusive?"
"Yes." He took a long sip. Clearly that was not up for debate.
"And you want me
why?"
"I'm beginning to
wonder," he said, his old twinkle slowly coming back. "Maybe you could remind me."
She stared at him. Unsure that it was wise to
let him charm her, but already falling under his spell as he grinned at her. She put the wine down, walked past him and
turned on some music. "Dance,
Captain Kirk?"
"Why, Commander Chapel. I thought you'd never ask." He pulled her to him, his hands far from
gentle.
"Frustrated?" she
asked, as he captured her hand in his, as she settled her other hand on his
shoulder.
"Beyond
belief. For a number of reasons. Not the least of which is I'd rather be loving you than fighting with you."
"Then let's not
fight."
"You
sure?"
She kissed him, tightening
her grasp on his hand. He kissed her
back, moving his hand off her back so that he could stroke her hair. She looked up at him; his sweet smile moved
her more than she could ever tell him.
"I'm sorry I hurt
you."
He smiled. "And I should have called first. I knew the risks."
"Ah. Now the truth comes out."
He smiled sheepishly. "I didn't want to share you. I wanted to believe you'd be home
alone."
"We'd agreed that I
didn't have to be."
"Agreed is such a strong
term."
She laughed. "You think you can handle having me all
to yourself?"
"Handle not sharing you,
without a doubt. Handle you? No way in hell."
"Oh, I don't know. You seem to be doing just fine tonight."
"Well, I want this to
work. I want that an awful lot. And I usually get what I want."
"I've noticed
that."
He grinned. "I've very persuasive." He spun her around, making her laugh. "And very, very
talented."
"That you are, Jim. That you are."
He dipped her then pulled her
back up. She careened into his
chest.
"Are we tangoing?"
she asked after she stopped laughing.
"Well, I am. I have no earthly idea what you're doing." He laughed too, and the sound was happy and
open again.
"I told you. Dancing isn't one of my fortes."
"Not vertical dancing,
anyway."
She laughed. "Oh, I can dance vertically." She pushed him up against the wall.
"I was hoping you'd say
that."
She began to pull off his
clothes. "We're too old for this,
Jim."
"Don't I know it? But I'll have some lovely memories to keep me
warm when I'm back out in space."
"Back in cold"--she
ran a finger down his chest--"lonely space."
"Yes." He pulled her sweater off. Made short work of the rest
of her clothes. "Very cold. Very lonely."
"I feel so bad for
you." She kissed him. "Oh, wait. No, I don't.
It'll be cold and lonely here too."
"Shut up and
dance," he ordered.
So she did. They danced for a long time. In many different rooms.
When they finally ran out of
moves and lay quietly together on the bed, he said softly, "It won't be so
cold and lonely if I know you're here.
And that I'm welcome."
"You're very
welcome." She kissed him, felt the
strange tug somewhere deep inside her that being with him caused. Love, she supposed. It felt good, in a tingly, about to drop off
a cliff kind of way.
She'd chance it.
"What are you thinking
about?" he asked.
"Faith. I'm going to have
some."
"Very
glad to hear it." He pulled her closer, wrapped his arms around
her.
She relaxed, let her guard
down. Felt safe. Warm. Protected. "I could get used to this."
"Do that." He kissed her. "We still haven't been to that club in
Berkeley."
"Will they let us dance
like we just did?"
"No." He kissed her again.
"Spoilsports."
"We'd only make them
jealous." He chuckled.
She saw that his eyes were
drooping, that he was fighting to stay awake.
"Go to sleep, Jim. You've
had a rough few weeks."
"Yeah. This damn
woman I'm crazy about. She's running me
through the wringer."
"Dump her sorry
ass."
He smiled sleepily. "Not on your life."
Chapel watched him drift
off. His arms were warm around her; she cuddled
closer, memorizing his face as he slept.
She kissed him gently, decided to try something out and whispered,
"I love you."
He grinned in triumph.
"You big faker,"
she said as she slugged him on the arm.
He laughed, pulling her
closer so she couldn't hit him again.
"I knew you'd say it first."
Then he tickled her until she squealed for mercy.
"Damn you," she
said, trying to catch her breath from laughing.
"I know you were just
seeing how it sounded."
"That's
right." She looked away, as if mortally
offended.
"It's okay. I won't hold you to it."
She turned, gave him a
perfect Spock eyebrow. "You aren't
going to try it out?"
"I'm not the one with
intimacy issues."
"Issues?"
He nodded, then
he kissed her. For a
very long time.
"Well, you may be
getting over those issues," he said when they came back up for air.
She kissed him back, very
thoroughly.
He lay back. Smiled a silly smile. "I love you, Chris."
"You can't say it after
a kiss like that. You'd say anything
after a kiss like that."
She slugged him lightly again
and he laughed.
"You're not
wrong." He smiled up at her. "Kiss me again like that and I'll offer
you my ship."
"No, you
won't." But she did kiss him again
like that.
When they finally pulled away
from each other, he smiled tenderly at her.
"If I didn't love you, I wouldn't care who else you were with. You know that?"
She nodded.
"But it's going to take
time before we really know what love means between us. I can feel the intensity now, and the
tenderness. But this is nothing compared
to what it can be, if we let it."
He stared at her hard, as if he was trying to will her to believe in
them.
"I do believe that,
Jim." She felt something that had
been frozen inside of her for far too long finally melt. "We'll let it grow." She let her gaze travel south. "Or umm catch up?"
He laughed. "You have a one track mind. Not that I mind."
"Me? I'm just observing the symptoms like any good
doctor would."
"Have you no
compassion?" He flipped her over
and pinned her. "Forget compassion,
enthusiasm is good."
She proceeded to display a
great deal of enthusiasm until they finally lay sated. This time it was her eyes that were drooping,
and Kirk who whispered, "I love you, Chris."
She smiled, mumbled,
"I'm counting on it." Then let
go and drifted away, secure that he'd do his damnedest to keep her safe and
resolved that she'd be there to return the favor. Even if it was the scariest thing she'd ever
done.
FIN