DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters
are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are
the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2001 by Djinn. This
story is Rated PG-13.
Souls in Velvet Night
by Djinn
Being dead, Christine thought
idly as she watched Spock meditate, was a lot more boring than she would have
imagined. Killing herself really had
been one of the stupider things she'd ever done...in this incarnation
anyway. She was starting to remember
other lifetimes and other actions, some nearly as ill-conceived as the one that
had landed her here. Not that she was
being punished. She had elected to stay
near Spock. And she'd had plenty of time to think about her suicide since she
had first awakened to find her mother waiting for her. Time was something she had in abundance in
this in-between state she had chosen.
She watched as he rose and
pulled off his robe, exchanging it for a uniform that he then inspected
carefully. It was immaculate and
wrinkle-free. For a moment, as he looked
in the mirror, he seemed almost nervous.
Christine felt her interest perk up.
What could make Spock so concerned about his appearance?
A chime sounded and he
schooled his features into their normal serene state. "Come."
A woman walked in. Young, lithe, vibrant, Vulcan. Of course.
Valeris, Christine felt a surge of irritation. Once a constant fixture in his life. But less so since graduating from the Academy. Her first assignments had kept her away from
her sponsor, if that was how Valeris thought of Spock. Christine had long suspected that the young
woman wanted to be more to him than just a protégé.
Christine moved closer to
study this rival. Valeris was pretty, in
a stark sort of way. But what was
this? Christine leaned in closer. Not a smile, but her eyes seemed to
twinkle. She was clearly glad to see
Spock.
And he was very happy to see
her. Christine recognized the look on
his face. She had seen it often enough
when he was with Kirk, or sometimes McCoy.
And later, after V-Ger, during their second five-year mission, she had
seen it displayed for her. But that was
before he died. And came back. Before she died. And didn't come back. She wondered if he even thought of her at all
anymore. It had been...well it had been
some time since she died. She found it
difficult to track the passing years.
"Lieutenant
Valeris." His resonant voice filled
the room. "I am gratified to see
you."
"Captain Spock. I was most pleased to be invited to accompany
you on your upcoming mission."
"We needed a helmsman
and you were available. A fortuitous
coincidence of situation."
"Fortuitous
indeed." She moved closer to him,
her voice dropped huskily. "I have
missed you, Sir."
She lacks subtlety, Christine
thought sourly.
"As I have missed you,
Lieutenant." His face had not
changed expression but Christine could tell he was pleased by the woman's
admission. He moved toward the
door. "We will not leave for some
months. We will have much time to get
reacquainted, Valeris. Now, it is time
to report to work. Will you walk with
me?"
She followed him out with a
slight smile. Christine considered going
after them but found the idea too depressing.
Maybe I should have listened to Mom.
Thoughts of Fiona filled her mind.
"You can still come back
with me, you know. Anytime you
want." Her mother, called by
Christine's thoughts of her, smiled in greeting as she pulled her daughter into
a hug.
Christine felt the welcome
snap of energy when her mother touched her.
Her rational self realized that the body Fiona used was only a
construct, chosen because it was familiar and made Christine comfortable. She knew that the touches she had come to
love were really exchanges of energy not flesh and bone. But it made her feel better now to hold on to
what she knew and to accept what she felt at face value. Truth was at times overrated.
"If Valeris stays around
I may have to," Christine smiled.
"But it still feels right to be here."
"So you'll stay?"
"For now. How is Dad?"
Fiona's face became softer as
she thought of her soul mate. "He's
doing well. We're working on our next
life now. Trying to find something a
little less emotionally wracking."
"I'm all for
that." Christine thought back to
the first time Fiona had brought him around to see her. He had elected to wear a body that bore no
resemblance to the man who had sired her, but she had known him immediately
anyway. Phillip Chapel had held open his
arms and said, "Where's my girl?"
She had happily fallen into them.
Since then he had come to visit her many times. Unlike her mother, he never tried to convince
her to come back to the fold. She had asked
him why once.
"You'll come home when
you're ready. Sometimes it takes a while
especially after a traumatic end. And I
trust your judgment, kiddo. If you think
you need to stay with Spock, then stay with him."
She loved spending time with
him, but she enjoyed even more watching Phillip and Fiona interact. They had shed the angry passion that had so
repelled her when she was alive. They
seemed somehow both serene and more animated than she had ever seen. And their love for each other was clear. Her mother had tried to explain it to her.
"When we're here, in our
natural state, we just understand each other.
There isn't the confusion that reigns when we are incarnated. We truly know each other. Far more than we ever did when we were
mortal. You call us Phillip and Fiona in
your mind as if that is who we really are, but they were just temporary
roles. We are so much more than
that." They even had different
names, Rondo and Melissa, but she found she could not get used to calling them
that.
"It doesn't
matter," her mother allowed.
"You aren't really Christine either, but since you haven't come
fully back it is still easy for you to identify with that persona. When you join us you'll have no trouble
remembering it all."
"Is that why I'm not as
calm as you two? Why I get annoyed or
angry and sad?"
Fiona nodded. "You still feel those things because you
have not completely shed your last life.
But you will eventually. And the
longer you stay here, the less you'll be tied to Earth."
"So this woman,"
Christine focused for a moment and then they were in the conference room
standing behind Valeris' chair, "won't bother me someday?"
Her mother laughed. "That's right. But I have a feeling it won't be anytime
soon." Her look became unfocused
for a moment. "That was Rondo. I have to go.
We have to choose soon."
"Are you happy about
going back?"
Fiona nodded. "I want another chance. So does he.
And we're willing to try it together again." She suddenly laughed as her gaze again turned
inward. "I really have to go. I love you, Christine."
"Love you too,
Mother," she replied affectionately as her mother flashed away.
****************************
"Personal log,"
there was a long pause, "I must report that," again a pause, then his
hand reached out to delete the entry. He
took several deep breaths. He must find
balance. Had to control this dark
emotions he felt inside.
But they were so strong. Hopelessness and fear. Pain and grief. Anger.
So much anger. He had never felt
such blackness threatening him before.
This was too much to bear. Yet he
must. He owed her that.
"Personal log. After months of battling illness, my mother
passed away yesterday on Vulcan."
There, much better. Logical,
precise, but not cold. She would not
want cold.
Cold. Was it cold where she was now? Was it anything? She was not Vulcan. She had no Katra to place with the
ancestors. What became of a human when
they died? His mind flashed back. To brown hair and blue eyes. What had become of Christine when she had
brought about her own death? He
remembered her better than he wished to.
Remembered the few short
months they had shared as lovers. Before
he left for the training cruise. Before
she thought he would never come back.
Before he did. He tried to feel
now the grief he should have felt then.
When McCoy had come to him. Tired
eyes pleading with him to show some emotion. "Spock. It's terrible," his voice had broken,
then he had fought for some semblance control, "Christine Chapel died
today."
Spock had not reacted.
"Maybe you weren't
listening, Spock? I said," McCoy's
eyes had been angry, "that the woman who loved you killed yourself
today."
He had looked at him
dispassionately. "I regret the loss
of the life, Doctor. I wish that I
remembered her better."
"Damn your green Vulcan
hide, Spock!" McCoy let his
emotions fly.
Spock dimly recalled the
doctor behaving this way in the past. It
was still so confusing. "You were
friends with her. I grieve with thee."
"Grieve with yourself,
you cold-blooded monster. She wasn't my
lover. She was yours." The doctor had stormed out.
McCoy had forgiven him
eventually. By that time, Spock could
remember what had been lost. It had hurt
but in a more distant way. Not with the
immediacy of this.
The comm unit buzzed and he
considered ignoring it. It buzzed
again. He reached over and answered it,
voice only. "Spock here."
"Sir, I just heard. Can I get you anything?" Valeris' voice was rich with sympathy.
He wanted to ask her to come,
wanted her with him. But he did not wish
her to see him in such a turbulent state.
"No ensign. I would like to
be alone."
Her voice showed no
offense. "Of course, Captain. I grieve with thee."
"Thank you,
Valeris."
He reached over and cut the
connection. She was kind. His mother would like her..
His mother. His mind seemed to stall over those
words. Did he still have a mother? She was gone.
No, that sounded as if she had just left for a trip. His mother was dead. She was dead.
Dead. No katra. Lost.
Never coming back. Never. And he had not been there. Had not gone.
His thoughts whirled, a maelstrom of emotion that threatened to
overwhelm him. He sat rigid in his
chair, unmoving as he fought a silent battle with grief.
Grief won.
*******************************
Christine watched as Spock
tried to complete his personal log. She
had taken to letting her attention drift away from him for long stretches of
time. When something interesting
happened she focused on him, otherwise she allowed herself to delve into all
the memories of her own lives that she was gaining access to. But now, something was wrong. She could feel his distress as if it were her
own. What has happened, she wondered.
Suddenly a figure appeared in
the room. It took Christine a moment to
realize that the woman could see her.
And that she recognized her.
Amanda.
"You're dead," she
whispered.
The woman nodded. She walked to Spock, put her arms around him,
held him tightly. Or tried to.
"He can't feel you. Or see or hear you."
"But you can?" Amanda frowned. "Of course. You died.
I remember now. I'd forgotten so
much at the end. But now I
remember."
Spock was just ending a
call. His pain radiated to Christine and
she winced at a sensation she herself had ceased to experience directly.
"He hurts."
Amanda's eyes were luminous
with compassion. "Yes." She leaned in again as Spock broke down.
Christine watched for a
moment. The she allowed herself to
drift, giving Amanda time with her son.
When she came back to the
cabin, it was empty. More time had
passed than she realized. She thought
intently of Spock and found herself in a cemetery, standing next to him as the
coffin was lowered into the ground. His
pain was still apparent to her, but he had it under much better control. She looked around for Amanda but did not see
her. But on the other side of Spock
stood Valeris. Christine watched as the
woman laid her hand on top of his for just a moment. He looked at her and nodded. "I grieve with thee," she
whispered. He only nodded as their eyes
met and held.
He doesn't need me now,
Christine realized. She considered going
to her mother, but something told her that she should not abandon Spock.
Fine. She wouldn't abandon him. But she also wasn't going to watch the play
by play of this courtship. She laid her
hands on his back, felt the resonance of his sadness. This will draw me back, she thought. If he feels this again, I will come
back.
With a final look at the
couple, she flashed out.
Interlude II – Rage
Spock felt buoyed by a sense
of hope he had not known for some time.
He had worked so long for this, struggled against those who would fight
change. Now it was finally happening. He sat again on this ship, served again with
this man he would die for, had died for.
And this time Valeris was at his side.
He could imagine her
excitement as she piloted the ship out of spacedock. He remembered the effect that Kirk had had on
him when he was first exposed to him.
The man's charisma and unexpected innocence were a powerful
combination. He had often heard it said
that Kirk was a Captain you would cheerfully follow into Hell...and back out
again. Because Kirk always brought them
home. Always.
Looking around at the
familiar faces, Spock experienced a tug of nostalgia. This was so like those times on the older
version of this ship. The one that Kirk
had destroyed for him. The same dear
faces. Or nearly the same. Sulu was gone, lost to the siren call of his
own ship. He had taken
Another name came to
mind. Christine. He tried not to think of her often. He saw no logic in it. Yet her loss still haunted him. He had loved her. Not for very long it was true. But for the time that she had allowed him in,
he had been drawn to her in a way he would never have predicted. He had always wondered how much more intense
it would have become for them when they finally bonded.
But that had never
happened. Genesis and Khan had ripped
them apart. The refusion had left his
memories confused. He had not remembered
her. Not in time, anyway. She had mixed a lethal dose of meds and put
an end to a life that had already sustained too much damage. She was gone.
Forever. Yet at times, he could
swear he felt her near.
He pulled his thoughts back
to the present. The ship was clear of
spacedock and on her way to the rendezvous with the Klingons. He turned to his station but not before
indulging in another look at Valeris.
Her body, held so taut during the undocking, was relaxed now. She seemed content to be here on this ship,
with this crew...with him. He was filled
with satisfaction. He had worked long
and hard for it and now everything he wanted was finally coming to pass.
*********************
Christine was abruptly drawn
back to Spock's side, called by the rage she felt within him. They were on the bridge of the
Valeris was there. And she was clearly in trouble. Standing alone in front of the
viewscreen. The other members of the
bridge crew staring daggers at her. She
seemed to be defending herself for something.
What had Christine missed here, she wondered frantically?
Kirk asked tensely, "Who
is *us*?"
She was calm. "Everyone who stands to lose from
peace."
He was impatient,
"Names, Lieutenant."
She was the quintessential
Vulcan. "My comrades will make
certain all your ship to shore transmissions are jammed."
"Names,
Lieutenant!" Kirk was getting
angry.
"I do
not…remember." She turned her back
on them all.
Spock's voice rang out. "A lie?"
She looked back at him. "A choice."
Kirk said one word,
"Spock."
And then Christine felt
it. The rage was exploding inside
him. He wanted to hurt this woman. She jumped in front of him, intent on keeping
him away from Valeris. He walked right
through her.
"Spock, no..." She screamed it.
No one heard.
Then he was on the young
Vulcan. Pulling her to him when she
sought to escape, forcing her to give up the names. Christine had experienced his mind touch, it
was formidable even at its most gentle.
What must this feel like to Valeris?
To have him tear through her that way?
She began to speak, his voice joining hers as they called out
names. Kirk wanted the location of a
peace conference. She resisted
again. Don't do it, Christine
urged. Just tell him what he wants.
But she didn't. And Spock seemed to go deeper. It was clear he was hurting her. There were tears. Christine had never seen tears from a Vulcan,
or heard one cry out that way. She heard
Uhura gasp.
Christine moved closer to
Spock. Tried to touch him. Then pulled them back a bit when she
couldn't. She felt something. There.
If she just held back a bit. An
energy field. Around his body. She could feel her own body respond. She concentrated on him as she searched for
the field with her other hand.
*Spock. This is wrong. Stop this.
Don't hurt her anymore. Stop
this.*
He dropped his hands
abruptly, severing the link.
She breathed a sigh of
relief. Unsure if she had reached him or
not.
His voice was broken. "She does not know." Slowly he made his way up to where Kirk
stood.
They questioned Valeris a bit
longer then security dragged her away.
Spock continued to work, to fight, for something that Christine didn't
understand. It had to do with Klingons,
and with a conference. She didn't really
care. All that mattered was inside of
him. She could feel his emotions. Rage, disappointment, shame. And these feelings didn't go away. Not when they beamed down and prevented a
murder. Not when the mission was over
and the
Christine was afraid for
him.
And so was Kirk. He came to him repeatedly. Worried for his friend, feeling guilty
himself. Spock began to retreat from
him. Not physically, but
emotionally. This man he had followed
into every danger became someone that he took pains to avoid.
Kirk sought him out when the
ship was near Spacedock.
"Spock? Something is wrong
between us and I want to put it right.
But I don't know what it is."
Spock said nothing.
"Please. If I've offended you?"
"You could not offend
me, Jim. But I have offended all that is
Vulcan. What I did, on the bridge...it
was wrong. And it was at your behest. Or so I tried to tell myself. But it was also for myself. Because I hated her. Because she had betrayed me."
"Because you loved
her?"
Spock nodded. "I have become too human. Too at ease with that part of myself. I have allowed emotion to take hold of me. It was acceptable for a time. But now it is not. I need time away."
Kirk seemed aghast. "Not Gol again, Spock? That isn't you."
"No, not Gol. I would not be welcome there in any
case. I will find my own balance. I will do it my own way."
"But, you'll stay
here? You won't leave us all again will
you?"
She was as interested in the
answer as Kirk was.
"I must be alone for a
while. I plan to return to Vulcan for a
time. We have a retreat in the
mountains. It will give me the peace I
need to find my true path."
"Vulcan?" Kirk's voice was very small. "For how long?"
"I do not
know." He suddenly seemed
impatient. "This is not about you,
Captain. This is about me and about how
I could possibly be capable of the violence I committed against someone for
whom I cared."
"Spock, it was
understandable. The stress of the
moment..."
"Might be an acceptable
excuse for you. But not for me."
They stood in silence for a
moment. Then Kirk gave him a defeated
half-smile. "So when are you
going?" His smile faded when he
heard the answer.
"As soon as we
dock. I have already arranged a leave of
absence with Star Fleet and I have reservations on a shuttle headed for
Vulcan."
"Just like
that?" Kirk seemed angry now.
"Yes, Jim." Spock's voice was hard. "Just like that."
"Well. Good luck with that then." Kirk, lips tight, turned. Without looking back, he said, "There
are people here that love you, Spock.
Just because she betrayed you doesn't mean we will. Just because you reacted badly doesn't mean
you will again. Stay here. Stay here and fight for the life you've
made."
"I no longer want that
life."
The captain's shoulders
drooped and he walked out of the room.
His whispered "Good-bye" was nearly inaudible to her.
If Spock heard he gave no
indication.
What have you done, she
thought miserably. What have you done?
Interlude III – Loss
Spock's world compressed down
to one small point of consciousness. As
he had been taught so long ago, he sought the stillness, embraced the dark
peace. I am nothing, he focused. I am solely a speck in this infinite space.
*A sadistic speck.* Valeris' mind voice rang loud in his
head. He did not know if she was really
there or if his own mind provided this distraction.
*I did what was
expedient. There was no time for any
other course of action.*
Her voice was bitter. *So you claim, over and over.*
He instructed his mind to
ignore her emotion. It was not logical
to assume his former protégé actually spoke to him. There was no reason for such a link. They were not bonded. And she was far away, locked up in a
rehabilitation center. She could not be
talking to him. Yet his mind chose her
to speak to him. Why?
He had come to this place to
find a balance. This retreat was both
laboratory and sanctuary. He had been
examining his life, his actions, all the things that had led up to
Khitomer...to Valeris. He had made
little progress at first. Found it
difficult to view his own existence with any kind of objectivity.
He had almost given up. Then she had begun to speak to him. At first he had been too startled to answer
her accusations. But as he grew accustomed
to the sensation, he had begun to appreciate her assistance. She always started at the same point: her violation at his hands on the
bridge. But once that was over, she
would challenge him on some other previously unexamined part of his past.
*You have a history of mental
trespass.*
He ignored her.
*You have no respect for the
borders between what is right and what is wrong.*
He considered this. As a Vulcan, he had been well taught in
ethics. What did this new line of attack
mean? *Specify.*
*Witness.*
He was suddenly flooded with
memories. First the scene on the bridge,
his hand on Valeris' arm, pulling her to him savagely. His mind shied away.
*Then see this.*
He was drawn back so many
years ago. He lay stretched out on a
bed, his hands again on the face of a woman.
Christine. *I saved her.*
*You trespassed. She invited you in and you took extreme
advantage.*
He remembered Christine's
anger when she awoke to realize he was reliving her memories. *It was not like that.*
*At least for her you left
the memories intact.*
*What do you mean? I did nothing to your memories.*
*No, not to mine. But to his.*
A scene from even earlier
began to play. Kirk sat at his desk,
head on folded arms. Exhausted. Spock stood behind. Touched Kirk's face. Spoke one word. "Forget."
He felt anger fill him. He yelled at the Valeris-voice. *I was trying to help him. He was in such pain.*
*It is the nature of humans
to grieve for what has died. Pain is
part of the process.*
*Too much pain.*
*Was that for you to decide?*
*He was in no shape to
discuss it.*
*But you didn't even ask him,
Spock. Perhaps he would have preferred
to remember Rayna, even if pain were the price.*
*He was my friend. I did not wish to see him hurting.*
*You did not wish? It is not always about you.*
Spock was weary of the
discussion. He sought to escape it.
*Don't run away. I only have one more thing to show you.*
He was in the engine
room. McCoy was telling him not to go
into the warp core. He pretended to
agree, then stunned him. "Remember."
The scene froze. *Would it have been so hard to ask him? To warn him?*
*There was no time.*
*Yes, I know. It was expedient.*
*I had to do it.*
*Why?* The voice was genuinely puzzled.
He almost answered then at
the last moment fell silent.
*Why was this permissible,
Spock?*
His thoughts were but a
whisper. *I had to go on.*
*Ah. Finally.
You do admit it. This was about
you. Your pride. Your need to go on.*
*But I was correct. I live now, against all odds. I would be but a shell if I had not left my
katra with him.*
*The odds now are entirely in
favor of that. But at the time, refusion
was a fantasy, even joining with the ancestors was a dim possibility. You were desperate. You risked his life, his very sanity, so that
some part of you would not die.*
He was quiet for some
time. Finally he breathed, *Yes.*
*He did not invite you in.*
*No.*
*You trespassed.*
His voice was pained. *Yes.*
*Think on that and consider
us all as you do. Determine what it means
for your future.*
*My future?*
Her voice was tender. *If you always assume you know what is best,
then how will you ever be open to the other possibilities?*
He could feel her presence
weakening.
*Wait.* He felt her stop for a moment. *Are you real?*
Her laugh was sweet. *I am a true voice, Spock. But perhaps not so real...just the voice of
the only one you will listen to.*
With a rush she was gone and
he was fully alert. He looked at the
chrono. He had been at this for
hours. Talking to Valeris...to himself?
He rose and walked to the
comm unit in the main room, called the Vulcan Embassy on Earth. The aide that answered recognized him
immediately. "Captain Spock."
"I need to speak with
the Ambassador."
"At once, Sir."
The screen went black for a
moment, then Sarek's face appeared.
"My son. Are you still on Vulcan?"
"I am, my father. The retreat is most comfortable."
"You must use it
whenever you like, Spock. Consider it
your own."
"Most kind."
Sarek studied his son
carefully. "Trading pleasantries is
not why you called."
"It is not. I wish to know the progress that has been
made with Valeris."
Sarek's expression
darkened. "I did not wish to
trouble you."
"Trouble me?"
"With bad news. I know you have been on a course of
reflection. I chose not to disturb
it. I knew you would emerge in
time."
"Then the treatments
have not been a success?"
"Spock, we were somewhat
mislead on the nature of her incarceration."
"We?" Spock was suddenly suspicious. His father had access to places he could
never go.
"You, then. It was believed that not all the conspirators
were unmasked."
"But I was the one that
questioned her. She had no more
information. I am sure of it."
"Oh we did not believe
that she knew who they were, but we allowed word to leak that she knew far more
than originally thought."
"You hoped to draw them
out. You used her as bait."
"Yes. And it worked. Three separate attempts on her life. The assassins were quite unwilling to take
the blame."
"And Valeris?"
Sarek looked uncomfortable.
"She lives."
"In what fashion?"
"During the last
attempt, she was wounded, quite severely.
There was massive trauma to the head.
The healers saved her life. But
the brain was too badly injured. The
Valeris you knew is gone. She is little
more than a child."
Spock remembered the quick
mind, the sparkling wit of the young woman he had cared for. All of it gone?
"She is an innocent now,
Spock. She was released to a care
facility where she will live out her days.
I have made sure that she will never lack for anything."
"Guilt, Father?"
Sarek frowned slightly. "I have nothing to feel guilty
for."
"But you gave her no
choice. You just did this to her."
"It had to be done,
Spock. For the sake of..."
Spock finished his thought,
"Expediency."
"Exactly."
"When do we stop? When is it no longer right for us to impose
our will on another?"
"Spock, your reaction is
not logical. We did only what had to be
done."
"At the cost of a
life."
"To save others. The good of the many, Spock."
"I am aware of the
saying."
"I have a meeting. I must go.
Perhaps we should continue this discussion later?"
"That is not necessary,
Father." Spock's tone was final.
"As you wish. Live long, my son, and prosper."
"Peace and long
life," Spock answered as he cut the connection.
He roamed the garden for a
while, idly taking in the new growth.
So the voice was not
hers. He was disappointed in a fundamental
way. He suspected that when he next
engaged in meditation it would be his own voice that tested him.
Valeris. Gone now.
Like Christine. Like T'Pring
even, when her presence was wrenched violently from his mind the evening she
and Stonn joined.
And Jim. What of his friend? He had left him behind when he came
here. He had ignored the messages,
tried to distance himself from a man he feared had come to mean more to him
than he should.
He was suddenly overcome with
the need to hear Kirk's voice. He went
back to the comm unit, dialed the code he knew by heart. There was no answer. He replayed the messages, starting with the oldest. Kirk was worried for him. Couldn't he help? Couldn't they talk?
Spock could tell that Kirk
was bored being planet bound. As the
messages played he could see the unhappiness become more etched into his
friend's face. Until the last
message. It had come in yesterday.
Kirk looked haggard. His voice was raw. "Spock?
Can't you even tell me that you're there?" He paused, trying to push down emotion. "I don't want to do this alone. You should be there. The
Spock closed his eyes as
regret overwhelmed him. He should have
been there. But it was too late to go
now. He would contact Jim when he returned. He would not lose this too. Resolved, he returned to his meditations.
*******************************
Christine was finding it
increasingly difficult to focus on Spock.
He had mastered the art of meditating for many hours, which, while it no
doubt was proving useful to him, was excruciatingly boring to watch.
So she drifted through the days,
exploring memories, checking in on friends still alive, and drifting in a misty
haze.
"You really should come
home."
Christine snapped to full
consciousness at the sound of Fiona's voice.
She easily hugged her mother, enjoying the feel of her love. But, she realized, something was
different. She pulled back to look at
the other woman.
Fiona appeared as she always
did, but Christine could sense something was off. "Mom, has something happened? You don't feel right."
Her mother nodded, "I've
gone back, Christine."
"You mean to
Earth?"
"Well to Q'onoS,
actually. But yes, you've got the basic
idea."
"So your energy is
there?"
"Most of it. We always leave something of ourselves
here. But this time I took a lot more,
figured I could use all the help I could get."
"So you're not Fiona
anymore?" Christine felt the same
fuzzy confusion she always felt when she thought about this.
Fiona frowned. "See, this is why I wish you'd come
home. It would all be so
clear." She held up her hands as
Christine started to protest. "I
know, I know, you're not ready. I'll
explain it again. The part of me that
lives here, the true soul, is Melissa.
Fiona was an incarnation identity.
Now I'm Kevrilk. I'll be someone
else the next time.
"And Dad?"
"Oh, he'll be Klingon
too."
"Because the two of you
didn't get enough yelling in your last life?"
"Despite the way we
fought with each other when we were your parents, we were both rather passive
people, especially your father. We never
faced things, never confronted anyone.
Being Klingon will allow us to work on that."
"Plus you'll get to deal
with bad hair days, armor chafing, and revolting food. Doesn't seem like a big step up to me,
Mom."
"It's not. It's more a step over. Each life we choose allows us to work on one
or more aspects of ourselves that needs attention. What may seem like a strange choice from your
perspective, may be exactly the situation needed to teach us something valuable,
like courage and honor."
"I feel that you're
right even if I don't understand it."
Out of the corner of her eye, Christine saw Spock rise. "Hey, he's actually doing
something."
Spock walked to the comm unit
and turned it on. It was a message from
Uhura. "Mr. Spock..I." Her face was tearstained. She swallowed hard and started again. "I have some bad news."
He waited.
"Captain Kirk...there
was an accident, he was trying to save the ship, save them all. Sulu and Scotty. Chekov too.
They can't find him."
His eyebrow rose. "You've lost the Captain?"
"They think he's
dead."
There was silence on both
ends of the comm unit. Then Spock seemed
to rouse himself. "They
think?"
"They've searched
everywhere. They can't find him."
"Understood. Spock out."
"But, Sir, don't you
want to come to the memorial?
It's..."
"I shall not be
there," he said curtly as he switched the comm unit off.
Christine watched with
concern as he began to pace. He was
muttering softly. "Should have felt
him die. Out of touch. An accident."
As he continued to pace,
Christine could see guilt and grief warring on his face.
"Should have been
there. By your side. Take your place. Can't feel you. Can't reach you."
Fiona moved to stand near
her. "He is holding it in. Trying to rationalize pain. He needs to let it out."
"It's not his way,"
Christine told her. She looked around
the room.
Her mother followed her
gaze. "What are you doing?"
"Waiting for him. He'll come here surely?"
"Who?" Fiona was clearly confused.
"Kirk."
"Why would he show up
here?"
Christine frowned. Why was her mother being so dense, she
wondered. "Because I did, Amanda
did."
"But you were both
dead."
"Haven't you been paying
attention? So is Kirk."
Fiona sighed heavily. "I forgot that you can't feel them
all. Can't just know how things
are. Kirk isn't dead."
"But they said..."
Fiona interrupted her
impatiently, "See for yourself."
Christine glanced over at
Spock. He had stopped pacing, was saying
nothing. He stood in front of a
mirror. She wondered what he saw. She remembered the last time she had stared
at herself that way. It was one of the
last things she ever did.
She walked over to him, moved
her hands until she could feel his energy.
"Not your fault," she repeated until finally he moved to his
meditation area again, sank into position.
He was all right for the moment.
She thought of Kirk.
And found him. In a place where nothing was real but it was
everything a person could want.
Fiona appeared beside
her. "It's called the Nexus. It's a dream world that he controls. Anything he wants will become real."
Christine moved over to where
Kirk was standing on a deck of a house high in the mountains. She gingerly reached out to him. He was still real but he felt different
somehow.
"He's not alive. Not in the same way. Think of this as a sort of very active
suspended animation."
"He'll be okay?"
Christine asked her.
"Oh yes. Nothing can
hurt him in here."
But Spock was hurting; Christine
could feel it throughout her entire being.
"Go to him," Fiona
urged.
"Yes." Christine agreed as she winked out.
Interlude IV – Separation
Spock adjusted his robes as
he waited for his father to beam over from the Vulcan Embassy. He was unsure why Sarek wanted to see him but
found that he resented the intrusion. He
had little time between missions and he had been anticipating some relaxation
alone with no distractions.
He heard the whine of the
transporter and then his father stood before him. He had not come alone. Standing beside him was a young human
woman. She smiled when she saw Spock.
Sarek stepped forward. "My son.
It is good to see you. I trust
you are well?"
"I am." Spock's voice sounded cold even to his own
ears. There was an uncomfortable
silence.
"You do not ask, but I
too am well. In fact," he turned to
the woman, indicated she should join him, "I wanted to introduce you to
part of the reason why."
She smiled at Spock's father
in a way that made it clear she adored him.
"You do me honor, Sarek."
"The honor is
mine," he said fondly. He turned
back to Spock. "This is
Perrin."
Spock was about to greet the
stranger when his father continued.
"She who is my
wife."
He heard the words with shock,
watched in disbelief as Sarek held his fingers up in the ritual gesture, saw
Perrin return it unhesitatingly.
"Your wife?" He kept his voice calm.
"Yes. It would please me if you welcomed her to the
family."
Spock felt anger build within
him. "No doubt."
Perrin began to look
uncomfortable. She turned to her
husband. "Sarek, this is a shock
for your son. He must feel many things
hearing such news." She smiled warmly at Spock.
He knew his tone was almost
mocking as he answered her. "If you
knew anything about Vulcans you would realize that I do not feel anything at
all about you or your marriage to my father."
As she reddened, Sarek's face
grew cold. "You give much offense,
my son. You owe better to she who is
head woman of our household."
Spock knew he should
apologize but found that he could not.
Instead he turned his back on them and walked out to the garden.
Sarek came out a moment
later. He looked at his son with
disapproval.
"Is she in tears?"
Spock taunted his father.
"She is not. She comports herself as befits a member of
one of Vulcan's oldest houses. If only
you could do the same."
"Do you want my
approval, Father?"
Sarek stood tall. "I do not need your approval for this or
anything. But you are my son. I seek to include you in my life. And you have been distant of late. I knew you would not like the idea of my
having taken a new wife, but I would have thought you would get to know her
before you judged her."
"How old is she?"
Sarek seemed on the verge of
sighing. "I fail to see..."
Spock interrupted. "Was she your student? Someone that worked at the Embassy? A daughter of a friend?"
"She worked at the
Embassy."
"Ah," again Spock's
voice was mocking, "she was nearby then when the burning came upon you and
you had no choice but to reach for the closest thing, no matter how
unsuitable."
"It was not like
that."
"Why else would an old
man choose to bond with a woman who could be his great
granddaughter?" His knew his tone
was bitter.
"You go too far,
Spock."
"I disagree. I'm sure my mother would as well."
Sarek looked genuinely
angry. "Your mother made me promise
on her deathbed that if I found someone I cared for I would marry again. She did not see me thriving alone. It is a shame that you did not inherit her
generosity, my son."
"You care for her? This child?"
"She is not a
child. And yes, I care for her."
Spock let disdain cross is
face. "I find that hard to
believe."
"You cannot accept that
I might truly care for Perrin?"
"No, my father, I
cannot."
Sarek shook his head. "I am sorry you have such limited
experience with love, Spock." He
saw his son's shock. "Love. I can say the word. Can you?"
"I have no need to say
it."
Now it was Sarek who mocked,
"Perhaps because the three women you loved have all either betrayed or
deserted you?"
The blow hit home. Spock's anger grew. "Leave me. And take your child bride with you. She is not welcome here."
Sarek drew himself up with a
dignity that Spock suddenly envied.
"I would not ask her to lower herself to come here again. You have shamed us all, Spock."
He said nothing as his father
disappeared into the house. When he
finally went back inside, there was no trace that his father and stepmother had
ever been there.
*****************************
In the middle of her own
meditations, Christine felt the compulsion to look in on Spock. She arrived when Sarek introduced his new
wife. She stood appalled as the two men
argued about the young woman standing forlornly in the living room.
Spock was unyielding in his
disapproval. She could not believe that
he would say the things he had. Then to
hear Sarek's taunt that the women Spock had loved had betrayed him. She had been one of those three women. She had had a hand in making him who we
was. Maybe the biggest hand. If she had stayed with Spock, loved him, she
could have eased the sting of T'Pring's rejection. And if she had been with him, Valeris would
not have had the hold on Spock that she had enjoyed. If Christine had loved him, he would be more
understanding of his father. So much
seemed to be her fault. She could stand
it no more.
"I want to go
home," she said firmly, and a little desperately.
She was instantly in a new
place. Very bright. There was lots of activity. A man stepped forward. She had never seen him before and she
recognized him at once.
"Roger!" she yelled as she rushed to hug him.
He spun her around, his
exuberant laughter at odds with the retiring scientist she had known.
He put her down and took her
hand. "Come on then. We've been waiting forever for you. We've got to get you to the Council. Then we can get to work."
She hesitated. "I screwed up. Everything.
I couldn't stand it down there so I ran away. Just like I always run away. I'm such a coward."
He laughed again. "You're not a coward. And you didn't run away."
"But you don't
understand. Because of what I did Spock
is now so bitter he won't accept his father's wife." She explained all the consequences of her
action.
"That's a great
theory. Just one problem with it."
"What?"
"You didn't flee
here. You were called. Why now?"
"I don't know."
He tapped her head. "Quit thinking as Christine Chapel. You've got a much larger mind at your
disposal if you just reach for it."
She tried to grasp beyond her
memories and suddenly she remembered.
Everything. "Oh," she
said in wonder.
"Overwhelming at first,
isn't it, Galen?"
Her name. Her true name. Not Christine, that was just a role she had
played. Just one of many she had already
played, would play in the future.
"Malvus," she
smiled at this beloved member of her soul group. He had volunteered to be Roger, to be the one
who was lost. They had all played such
roles for each other. It was the way
things worked in a group.
"Now do you remember why
you're here?"
She concentrated. Her mind was sharp and fast, it seemed to run
many hundreds of times faster than when she was alive. She knew it was the clarity that this
perspective gave that made it seem so amazing.
She could remember every moment of every life. She could see the connections, the lines of
convergence, the unnoticed triumphs, and the unaverted disasters. And she could see why she was here.
"I was supposed to die
today. In a lab accident. Toxic gas."
"Yes. Hours before Sarek's visit. He would have had to meet with his son after
you died. Spock's mindstate would have
been the same. Bitterness at the
betrayals replaced by bitterness that Sarek could so easily replace a wife when
Spock felt as if he would die without you.
This estrangement was agreed upon."
She thought of Spock, no, of
Varant. He was a youngish soul. They all
were. It was the way of things.
Sarek, or Calidon, was from a
more advanced group. He had agreed to
raise Spock. He could provide some
wisdom, but he had worked with souls at his level for too long. This young being tried his patience at every
turn. Why would he do this?
Malvus interrupted her
thoughts. "Calidon will be a novice
guide when he returns. All that he learns as Spock's father, all that he fails
at, will help him be a more effective teacher."
"Where is my
guide?"
Malvus grinned. "Tired of waiting for you, that's
where. You've been working, even while
you drifted, Galen. He did a lot of
talking directly to your soul down there while you weren't paying
attention. It eased your
transition. Made you ready to go to the
Council."
"I'm nervous. I really screwed up."
"Yeah, you really
did." The firm squeeze of his hand
softened his words.
She thought to her mother's
frequent visits to her. "Well Fiona
was allowed to continue on as Melissa so they must not have been too upset with
her. Hopefully they'll let me off easy
too."
Later, much later, although
she couldn't say how long, the Council finally let her go. They had dissected every part of her life. Or rather helped her to examine it, to
understand the consequences of her actions.
There was much studying and preparation to be done before the next one.
Malvus met her as she left
the Council's presence. "You're still here," he teased.
"Barely. I can't imagine going through that right after
you've arrived."
"Most people
don't," he reminded her. "They
rest, they reintegrate the current incarnation with the rest of the soul. They just get over dying for a while. And for others, the more advanced, they
don't find death as traumatic, as confusing.
They're comfortable with it. They
go into the Council practically as soon as they arrive."
She smiled as she remembered
an assignment of watching the death of an advanced soul. The woman had barely left her body before she
was on her way. The energy level seconds
after her death was higher than most souls after resting. Christine, no Galen she reminded herself, had
found it inspiring.
Malvus, apparently tired of
waiting for her, disappeared.
"Hey!" she laughed
and thought of him. She appeared next to
him, in the area her group used as a classroom.
Everyone in the group was there, some complete, others limited to the
part that remained while they were incarnate.
It was strange at first, looking at them. They were pure energy, yet she saw also the
face they chose to wear. The two images
were constantly interchanging. She felt
dizzy for a moment, then the feeling retreated as she got used to the sensation
of seeing the soul in several forms all at once.
She smiled to see her parents
and her crewmates. Sulu…Marcus…was
missing. She focused her thoughts on him
and was suddenly in the classroom of a much more advanced group. Sulu's soul remnant wandered over.
"It's customary to ask
permission before intruding on a class."
His tone was amused.
Of course it is, she
remembered. Maybe they shouldn't have
let me have free run of this place quite so quickly, she thought ruefully. "I'll let you get back to what you were
doing."
"Nice seeing you,
Galen."
"You, too, Marcus."
And she was back. Her group ribbed her about her faux pas. She allowed herself to sink into the love and
approval she sensed from them. Is it
ever really possible to feel at home away from here, she wondered, knowing
somehow that we've lost this, even if we don't remember exactly what this is?
Suddenly a familiar energy
touched hers. She felt her whole being
respond immediately with a strong humming.
"Varant," she murmured.
"Yes. Welcome home, Beloved."
She allowed herself to sink
into the embrace of the soul that remained apart yet ever connected to
Spock. He was connected to her too. Soulmates.
"I screwed up," she said sheepishly.
"We're young," he
countered. "Screwing up is what we
do best."
"I wasn't kind to
you."
"Christine Chapel wasn't
kind to Spock. You, Galen, have been
here with me the whole time. No matter
what happened to them, there was always a part of us that loved unswervingly."
"I had forgotten."
"I will remind
you." Varant increased the energy of his contact. There was only love and acceptance in his
touch. He was calm and amused, serene
and passionate.
"I've missed this. It's
so hard there."
"I know,
love." He smiled as another soul
came up. Gwydion, she thought as she
recognized Kirk's higher self.
Gwydion chose to represent
itself as female. She smiled in
welcome. "It has to be hard,
Galen. What kind of schoolroom would
being mortal be if it wasn't challenging?"
Kaspur walked up, McCoy's
face still barely discernible in her female visage, and put her arms around
Gwydion. The soulmates exchanged
energy. She remembered what a sacrifice
they had made for Varant and her, forgoing their accustomed relationship as
lovers to be friends, in order to help their group mates. She knew she and Varant had done the same for
them in lives before.
She tried to remember what it
would be like to have everyone here at full strength. Only a few of their group had died
already. She looked for Scotty, the last
to go in that terrible wreck with the Dyson Sphere. His soul, Curtiss, was only a remnant. "But how?"
Gwydion laughed. "We have an amazing ability to cheat
death in this group. Scotty's caught in
a transporter buffer. Won't turn up for
a long time."
"Wow."
Suddenly a more experienced
soul entered their space. She recognized
him as Korel, their mentor, instructor, guide.
An oversoul.
He smiled at her. "Ah, Galen. I heard you finally got tired of being a
ghost. I hope you're ready to work
hard?" He scowled at her but his
eyes were twinkling.
She smiled back. "I’m ready."
"Ok then, everybody,
let's get serious here. I gave you all
assignments last time on parallel universes.
Who wants to go first?"
A hand shot up.
"Yes of course. Gwydion, what did you discover in your
quantum travels?"
As Gwydion began to answer
she listened with an intensity impossible as a mortal. She didn't just want to learn; she yearned to
do so. When Korel asked who wanted to go
next, she realized that she was jealous she would not get a turn.
*Don't worry, you'll be
presenting next time.* Korel's voice in
her mind was amused.
*Thank you.*
*Good to have you back,
Galen. I missed you.*
She felt a warm snap of
affectionate energy follow his thoughts.
She surrendered to the sensation.
It was so good to be home.
Interlude V – Release
Spock arrived back on Vulcan
expecting to find his homecoming unattended.
He was surprised to see T'Kel, the new matriarch of his clan, waiting
for him. He knew what she wanted, had
hoped that she would just leave him alone.
"Greetings, Spock."
"My lady. Your presence here, while of course welcome,
is most unexpected."
She frowned slightly. "Your words do you no credit. You most surely knew I would be here the
moment we heard that you had declined your father's invitation."
Not wishing to have this
conversation, Spock began to walk to the entrance. She easily fell into step beside him.
"Yes. My father's...invitation."
"You have a duty as eldest
son to attend."
Spock thought back to that
time long ago when Sybok's disgrace had made him the keeper of the
birthright. From that day on, the task
of trying to measure up to his father's expectations had become almost
unbearable. "As you well know, my
father and I are estranged, indeed have been so for some years now."
"Yes. Twenty-six point seven to be precise,"
she corrected.
"Yes." He walked a little faster.
She too increased her
pace. "Would you outrun your duty,
Spock?"
He stopped, turned to
her. "I seek only to reach my
retreat before night falls. I am not
interested in my duty."
"Then why did you come
back? There are many other worlds you
could have sheltered on during this time.
You came here. If not to do your
duty, then why?"
His voice was dangerously
clipped. "Because this is my home
too. I do not choose to be run off it
simply at my father's whim."
"It is not a whim,
Spock. Sylar is not a whim."
Spock sighed. "No.
He is the son that Sarek always wanted yet failed to find in Sybok or
myself. Finally a child that, despite
his human mother, has fully embraced the Vulcan way. How he must rejoice in such a model
son." His voice was bitter.
T'Kel's was surprisingly
gentle. "You will be head of the
household when Sarek is gone, Spock. You
must show yourself at the ceremony."
Spock could envision Sylar
and his bride standing before the assembled venerables of Vulcan. The decorations a visual merging of the two
Houses, a reminder of what had already been joined a month earlier during
Sylar's burning. He had even done that
correctly, the Pon Farr finding him exactly when it should, as if he had no
human blood to get in the way.
Now he and T'Janra would
declare their union, surrounded by the approval of family and friends. How could they not smile on such a
merger? Two brilliant scientists from
the oldest of Vulcan's Houses. Two
shining stars in the already bright ranks of the young men and women who would
be Vulcan's future. Spock felt
unaccustomed envy. He had never been so
easily a part of Vulcan culture as Sylar seemed to be. He knew it was illogical but he often
resented the young man's success.
T'Kel's voice interrupted his
reverie. "I am disappointed in your
stubbornness, Spock. A most unpleasant
trait." As she stared at him her
expression again softened. "I know
it has not been easy between you and Sarek.
But can you not put aside your difference this once?"
He said nothing.
She shook her head, finally
defeated. "Your stubborn pride will
be your downfall, my cousin."
Spock faced her silently,
unwilling to argue any further with the head of his clan.
"Very well,
Spock." Her tone now was carefully
indifferent. "You must do as you
see fit. I have a ceremony to oversee. I do not intend to let this fruitless
excursion make me late for your brother."
"Half-brother," he
corrected, his voice strained.
Her face darkened. "I will not stand here arguing semantics
with you. Live long, Spock, and
prosper." She did not wait for his
response.
Spock could feel the curious
glances of the other Vulcans in the spaceport.
He felt suddenly like one of the bacteria under Sylar's
instruments. He needed to get to his
retreat. His retreat. He almost laughed in the wash of bitterness
he felt. Nothing was his here. On this unforgiving, unwelcoming world,
everything he treasured belonged to his House.
He had plenty of his own money, some from his mother, other earned
during his service off Vulcan. Yet he
had never used it. He had sat like a
leech, sucking at the hospitality of a clan that had never really felt like
family.
But Sylar belonged here. Perrin had somehow succeeded where his own
mother had failed. Her son was
accepted. Spock remembered the boy he had
seen from afar. Always quiet and poised,
never a hint of the scandal that had followed his own childish outbursts. The humans who met Spock might consider him
the most Vulcan of acquaintances, but he knew differently.
So why had he come back
here? To be alone in his retreat? To ignore his duty? To flaunt his independence? Why?
He considered Sylar
again. This child, this young man, would
stay on Vulcan, would do it honor in the traditional way. He had a place to fill and had earned the
right to fill it entirely.
Spock felt a sudden
resolve. He walked over to a chair, sank
down in it as he sat pondering the impulse that had overcome him. It was radical, true, but also logical. And necessary. He saw that now. He deliberated for some time, finally rising
and making his way to the exit. He
hailed an aircar. Soon his home was in
sight.
His feet walked the long,
familiar path to the door. It was
unlocked, welcoming to latecomers. He
entered silently, strode down the hall to his old room. It had been converted to a study, Perrin's
from the look of it. Spock imagined the
triumph she must have felt as she eradicated all traces of him from the house.
Momentarily adrift in his own
home, he felt a sudden rush of presence, a sensation of energy, of love. *Who are you?* he asked silently. There was no answer. There never was.
He steeled himself and made
his way to the large gathering room in the back of the house. The murmur of voices grew louder as he
approached the door. He opened it
quietly, trying to slip in unnoticed.
Perrin saw him first. Her expression did not change but he could
feel her enmity across the room. Long
ago, she had reached out to him and he had attacked her and his father. It was not unexpected that she should hate
him now.
As he made his way to the
group, his father looked up, surprise coloring his face for a moment before he
forced his features back into the impenetrable mask they normally wore.
T'Kel was standing next to
Sarek. "What are you doing,
Spock?"
Sarek's eyes gave nothing
away as he examined his son. "T'Kel
said you would not be attending, my son."
"I am not staying. I came only to give Sylar a wedding
gift." He turned as Sylar and
T'Janra walked up to the group, a Star Fleet lieutenant in tow.
Sylar nearly hid his shock at
seeing his brother at his wedding.
"Spock. A most welcome
surprise to see you here. May I
introduce Lt. Picard."
Spock bowed agreeably at the
young man. "A pleasure,
Lieutenant. I must ask your indulgence
however. I need to speak with my family
privately."
The young man nodded
pleasantly. "Of course, Captain
Spock." He left them.
"So, my brother,"
Sylar's voice was resonant and low, "You do me honor."
"I should like to do
more than that, Sylar."
His brother's eyebrow rose
but he did not interrupt.
"The occasion of your
marriage calls for a gift. But I find
that I have only one thing I can give you." He turned to T'Kel. "I wish to renounce my claim as eldest
son of Sarek."
Perrin gasped in surprise. The Vulcans just stared. Sylar found his voice first. "Do you mock me, brother? Giving away this right as if it were nothing
more than a service of fine pottery?"
"I do not mock you,
Sylar. You are everything a first son
should be. I am rarely on this
world. You will be an excellent holder
of this House. I would not, as I am
unlikely to relinquish my avocation working among the stars. You are solidly of this planet, Sylar. I am,
at best, at uneasy rest here."
T'Kel cautioned, "Act
not in haste, Spock. This is a grave
matter. Once done, it can never be
undone."
"I know. I have considered my actions." He turned to the couple. "You will be holder of our House. You will represent us to our Clan. I relinquish my claims and give them to
you."
His voice rang out so that
all in the hall could hear him.
"Hear me. I am Spock, no
longer eldest. I have relinquished my
claims. This, my brother Sylar, is now
eldest son. His honored wife will be one
day chief lady of the House."
A hush fell in the room at
his words. He turned back to his
family. Quietly he said, "My lady
T'Kel, my family, may you live long and prosper."
His eyes met Sylar's. His brother's confusion was evident. He knew his own gaze was placid as he turned
and walked away. A feeling of liberation
filled him. He was finally released from
the obligation that had hung from his neck like a stone all these years. He was at last free to find his own destiny.
Behind him he heard T'Kel
reply. "Peace and long life, Spock,
son of this house."
**********************
Galen found herself
enthralled with her new life. She was so
busy studying her choices and actions as Christine that she lost track of Spock
for large chunks of time. But she did
not abandon him. Strong emotion on his
part pulled her to him. She was there at
Sylar's wedding. Spock had even felt her
presence. She had felt a stir of pleasure
when his mind had spoken to her.
When he relinquished his
birthright she had been worried for him and had stayed with him for some
time. But soon it became apparent that
he was suffering no remorse, indeed seemed to be reveling in his freedom. He did not need her, so she happily returned
to what she now considered home.
Varant was waiting for
her. As he merged his energy with hers
in a sweet hello, she felt his easy humor rise to the surface. *So did you have fun with your other lover?*
She laughed as she sent him
the memories of all she had seen.
Varant pulled her along as he
took in what she relayed. *So I
prosper?*
*Yes. You have found your way.*
He frowned. *It is such a lonely path I have chosen for
myself this time. He lets so few people
love him, loves so few himself.*
She moved close to him, her
energy combining with his own in a way that made them both tingle with
pleasure. *You are not alone now.*
*No, never alone here. But Spock can't remember this. Very few of us ever can. It is what makes us feel at times like
visitors only to a strange world. It is
what makes us long for a love we believe in but cannot remember.*
She protested, *Sometimes we
find it. When we meet someone and know
instantly they will be our friend. Or
more than a friend. We may be ignorant
but our souls know when they have met a member of the family.*
Varant nuzzled her with a
tendril of energy. *Galen, my ever
love. We are young now and we think we
understand how it works. But we don't.* He paused and she could feel the intensity of
his emotions. *The older souls, have you
not noticed? They are not always with
their soul mates. Sometimes they meet
and interact only for a short time.
Other times they share only a brief glance across a room. They do not always love. I do not wish to be separated from you.*
Galen thought of the older
souls she knew. *Perhaps they do not
share lives because they must learn other lessons like self reliance or
perseverance without assurance of success.*
*I know. I just don't look forward to incarnations
without you.* Varant nudged her again.
She allowed herself to merge
completely with him for a moment.
Everything that needed to be communicated was. There were no misunderstandings. There was only love.
Galen felt a new energy
beckon. She laughed and pulled away from
Varant. *Korel is holding class for us.*
Varant was already winking
out as he shot back, *You know how he gets when we're late.*
Classwork and research took
more of the group's time. Korel already
had them working toward their next life.
To her relief, she and Varant would again feature prominently in each
other's lives, only this time in a way less fraught with problems. They would know each other from
childhood. Born from parents who both
loved them and each other deeply.
Galen wondered if someone
from her group would be raising her, but Korel took her aside and asked her to
follow him to a slightly more advanced group.
Two souls waited there. When she
appeared, they sent her open and welcoming energy.
*Mothri and Bakur have looked
at your last life. They believe that in
the right kind of environment you can not only live up to your current
potential but far surpass it. They
welcome you to consider them as parents in your next life.*
The two souls offered to
merge with her to show her their vision for the life they could share. She eagerly accepted. She saw that they were already incarnated,
were young now but eventually would meet for the first time. Mothri would become a spiritual man, gentle
and loving. Bakur was a dynamic and
forceful woman who would learn much from him.
The two of them would fall in love but circumstances would initially
prevent them from acting on that devotion.
In time, they would be free to love and to give life to her...if she
wished. She was so excited by what she
saw that she wanted to start immediately.
Korel laughed. *Galen, you must wait till Varant and a few
others are reunited with their missing lives.
But I am happy to see you are eager and not hesitant to try again as so
many who suicide are.*
*I just want another chance.*
*That's what this place is
all about.*
There was still much to do,
planning and selecting, trying to engineer a life that would allow her to
grow. Galen was happy and busy.
One day she was working with
Kamerin, who had newly reunited with her Uhura life and was planning to be
Galen's younger brother in the next life.
They were deeply immersed in scenarios, picking situations and running
them out to see how well they worked toward the goal. It took Galen several minutes to realize she
was feeling a call from Spock. She sent
a quick explanation to Kamerin and disappeared.
She emerged on a world she
had never seen before. Spock and Sarek
stood on a balcony overlooking a large city.
Perrin stood at the doorway, but it was unclear if she was guarding
their privacy or watching over Sarek, her expression as she looked at him was
fiercely protective.
Spock stood impassively as
Sarek berated him. Galen was surprised
at the emotion she felt pouring from the older Vulcan. Perrin did not appear taken aback at
all. What Spock felt was a mystery; he
was shielding heavily.
"Why will you not stand
with me on this matter, Spock?"
"Because I do not agree
with your position, Father. Do you
expect me to bow to your will just to please you?"
Sarek turned away, his tone
was bitter. "You never have done
anything simply to please me."
Spock was quick to
respond. "Perhaps because you have
been impossible to please?"
Galen did not expect Sarek's
voice to rise as it did.
"If you had not been so willful,
so stubbornly proud."
Spock joined him at the
balcony. "Should we not be
discussing the negotiations and not your view of my shortcomings?"
Perrin moved to her husband's
side. "Let it go, Sarek. What does it matter if he agrees or not? Peace is the goal."
"Yes," he whispered
as he looked over at his son, "Peace is the goal."
"We are not at war,
Father."
"We have always been at
war, Spock. Always. From the time you were capable of saying, 'I
will not,' you have defied me. You would
never bend."
"Never break would be
more accurate. I recall you trying to
crush me on several occasions." Now
it was Spock who was bitter.
"Your mother indulged
you too much."
"And you not at
all. In all things balance?"
Sarek turned away. Galen was stunned to see his hands shake, as
he appeared to try to get control of himself.
"I need you to stand with me, Spock. Just this once."
"I cannot."
Perrin interjected
again. "The matter is trivial,
Spock. Surely you can reconsider?"
"My lady, the matter is
not trivial. Neither to me nor to
Sarek."
Her anger burst forth. "You aren't even arguing about this
point. All this goes back to you blaming
Sarek for the way he raised you. I doubt
the fault is all his. Your
mother..."
"You will not speak of
my mother," Spock said sharply.
"And this recess is over. If
you champion this proposal, Father, I will oppose it." He turned and walked to the door.
Galen could feel Sarek's
anger as he said loudly, "If you oppose me then you will finish it forever
between us. I will not tolerate such
disloyalty."
Spock raised an elegant
eyebrow, the only movement on an otherwise neutral expression. "You must do as you see fit,
Father." He met Sarek's gaze
calmly, then disappeared into the room.
Sarek slumped. Perrin rushed to him.
"He is gone. Has always been gone. I could never reach him. Nothing was good enough or at the right time. Now he is forever lost."
Perrin pulled him into a
tight embrace. "Shh, my love. Don't say that. He is not gone. It is the disease talking."
"Cursed disease,"
Sarek muttered.
Galen racked Christine's
memories for the possible illness they were discussing. The only one that she could recall was too
horrible to contemplate Sarek enduring.
Perrin was pleading now. "If you told him?"
"Would he not crow in
triumph? Sarek the merciless brought low
by his own emotions."
"He would not do
that. I don't like him, hate the way he
has treated you and me. But he would not
desert you if he knew you had Bendii's."
"No!" Sarek's shout startled both his wife and
Galen. "No," he repeated in a
quieter tone. "I will not have him give
to me in pity what he would not offer otherwise."
"Then you really will
lose him forever, Sarek."
"So be it," the
Vulcan said bitterly as he turned back to stare at the city. "So be it."
Galen watched as Perrin stood
close to him, offering love and support.
He seemed nearly unaware of his wife's presence, as he stood lost in a
dark place only he could see.
Interlude VI – Purpose
Spock stood in the shadows,
waiting for his contact to find him. The
road to
Spock thought back to his
first meeting with the Senator. So long
ago at Khitomer, they had discovered a mutual interest in their shared
origin. Over time, as they had learned
to trust each other, they had also uncovered a mutual passion for bringing
their peoples back together. They had
met often in the course of diplomacy, generally sharing a meal or two and
discussing the future.
He had expected nothing more
than talk, had been unprepared for the message that came to him soon after the
Cardassian peace treaty was signed. It
had been from Pardek, characteristically brief and cryptic. "The time is now. Can you come?" Spock had known immediately what was being
asked. He had begun to write the
response down but the messenger had stopped him.
"Yes or no, Sir. That is all that is required."
"Tell him I say
yes."
The man nodded and left
hurriedly. Several days later another
messenger showed up. It became a pattern
as Pardek and he planned his journey. A
diplomatic event several months later allowed them to meet in person, to go
over much that needed discussing. Pardek
had said there were many ready to receive the message Spock brought: the wisdom
of Surak, the equilibrium of peace. He
was honored to be chosen for this outreach.
Thrilled even to be following in his ancestor's footsteps, and to be
finally walking a path of his own, one not dictated by Sarek or by the
Federation or by anyone but himself.
This was for posterity, but he believed that he too would grow in the
experience.
He knew the risks were
grave. If he were discovered by the Tal
shiar it would be grim. Death would be
the least of his worries. But Pardek had
told him that the danger was within acceptable parameters. He had been planning this for some time. Spock had faith in the wisdom of his
preparations.
He assessed his emotional state. Was there anything he regretted leaving
behind? Sarek? His mind refused to dwell on his father. Their last meeting had ended everything. He was not sure why, but Sarek would not bend
at all. It was most illogical. But he would not think of this. It was over between them. Sylar would take on the role that his
half-brothers had never been capable of, and Spock would join Sybok as a
bitterly ignored lost son.
Spock thought of his human
friends. Kirk was foremost in his
thoughts. Lost also. Irretrievably gone. The man who had risked everything to get him
back and Spock had not even returned his comms.
He felt the familiar rush of regret, of shame. Yet there was also confusion. They had been close, closer than friends,
certainly closer than his experience of brothers. Yet he had no sense of his death. It was as if a light that had been on had
disappeared rather than simply been turned off.
It was most strange.
He thought of his other
shipmates. He would miss many of them,
did miss some of them already. But they
were not enough to hold him...had never been enough to keep him. Only Kirk could. And Christine.
So much lost. He thought back to the first time he had lost
her. When she had run from him and he
had used her rejection as a reason to flee his life and head to Gol. How much different would life have been if he
had gone after her? If he had forced her
to confront her fears and accept what he could offer her. Would they be together now? Would children, perhaps grandchildren play at
his feet?
The call of his contact put
an end to his musings. She was gone and
he would never see her again. That was
all he needed to know. It was a bitter
knowledge. But reality often was.
He followed the Romulan to
the waiting shuttle. By this time
tomorrow he would be on Romulus, embarking on a new life, a new mission. Probably his last mission. It would be one filled with
satisfaction. One in which he could
truly make a difference to the Romulan people, to his own, and to the whole of
history.
"Jo lan tru," he
whispered as he turned his back on his past.
****************
Galen was working quietly in
the library her group used when she felt a tug on her energy, then a sudden
increase in her sense of the soul group.
Someone was coming home.
*Who?* she queried.
The part that remained
answered. She thought of him and
appeared moments later on a desolate planet.
She watched as he lay on the ground, breathing his last taste of the
air. Galen smiled softly as the other
captain watched over her friend's death.
.
"Christine?" His voice was incredulous.
"'Fraid so," she
grinned as she turned away from the body to see him standing near her.
"But you're..."
He had never been comfortable
with the idea of death, she remembered.
She would go easy on him as he transitioned. "Yes, I am."
He gulped, "So
I'm...:"
"Yes, you
are." She let her eyes drift to his
body.
He turned to look and his jaw
fell open. "I really am..."
"Yes."
He moved to look at his body,
then sat down heavily next to it. It was
a common reaction.
"You thought you could
cheat death forever?"
He considered the
question. Then he grinned. "I think I did."
She grinned back. "You've already saved the world several
times and had two heroic deaths, even if one wasn't real. What more does any soul need?"
He thought about that. She could feel him unconsciously accessing
group memories, charting his progress against the goals he had before he left
them. He would find that he was the shining
star of their group. They all loved him
for it.
"It's good to have you
back." She indicated he should
rise. "I came as soon as I realized
it was you."
"I kind of thought David
would be here." He looked chagrined
and said quickly, "Not that I'm not happy to see you."
She laughed. "Don't worry. I know what you mean. David is in another group, you can see him
when we leave here."
"Another group?"
"Soul group." She saw his frown. "You'll remember it all when we get back
home. Don't worry about it
now." She touched his hand and
thought of home. They were flashed to a
place that she recognized as his home in the Nexus.
"I just left
here." He said looking around. They were the only beings there. The wind through the pine trees the only
sound outside their voices.
"It's the last place you
held in your mind, so that's what you built.
But this place can be anywhere, anything."
"Like the Nexus."
"Very much like
that. Only here, you can get away."
"Get away?"
She smiled gently. "There's work to be done. But not till you've rested."
"For how long?"
"Until you don't want to
rest anymore." She remembered the
confusion. But as he merged with the
part of himself that had never left this place he would be filled with
clarity. The fuzziness would
depart.
"But I'm alone
here?"
"Of course not. You're surrounded by everyone. Anyone you've ever known, and many more that
you haven't, are here. If you want to see
someone you think of them very hard and you'll be there."
"Just think about
them?"
"Uh huh. It's easiest to
find your own group. All you have to do
is reach out with your mind."
"Our group." He struggled to remember.
"Spock, McCoy, Scotty,
Uhura, many others who you didn't know in this life but were important to
someone else in the group. Even some you
wouldn't expect. Gary Mitchell, Roger
Korby, T'Pring, Stonn."
He scowled.
"Once you've been here a
little longer you'll remember why you don't hate them."
"Guess I should get used
to surprises?"
She thought of Gwydion's
current choice of gender. "Oh
yeah."
"You said Spock was one
of us. So I just think of him? Just remember him. Spock..."
"No, wait there's a
little more to it..." She broke off
as he winked out of sight. "Just
great," she ranted as she followed him not to Varant but to Romulus, to
Spock. The sight that met her was
tragic. Spock, deep in the system of
caves, on his knees, keening slightly as he rocked back and forth. In another room his Romulan students talked
or slept, unaware of the turmoil their teacher was in.
Kirk had his arms around
Spock but each time he tried to hold him his arms failed to connect. "Spock," he whispered
brokenly. "Old friend."
"We can't reach
him."
He was angry, resented her
intrusion. "Maybe you can't."
She felt no flare of hurt at
his words. This was too soon for
him. He was reacting as a mortal.
"He's in pain and I
can't help him." Kirk finally gave
up trying to touch Spock.
"You were his greatest
friend. He thought he'd lost you once
and it was awful. But now, to lose you
again and to realize that you were never really gone the first time...it may
tear him apart."
Kirk looked frightened.
"He'll survive
though," she rushed to reassure him.
"He's very strong."
"Did your death hit him
this hard?"
She laughed. "No.
By the time he remembered me enough to mourn, I was long gone. And Valeris was there. I was spared watching this."
"We can't reach
him?"
She moved to Kirk's side and
guided his hand to rest just above Spock's body. "Feel that?"
His eyes widened. He nodded.
"It's energy. Matches our own. Just rest your hands there and think of how
much you love him. How concerned you
are. It will get through...maybe as a
word or a picture but probably just as a sensation of your presence, as a
comfort."
She sensed his need to be
alone with Spock. "When you're
ready to come back think of the place you created and you'll get there. Or think of me and I'll help you."
"What if I can't do it?"
She laughed. "Then I'll come get you. Don't worry, Jim. No one is ever lost here."
Interlude VII – Flight
Spock sat alone, deep in the
caves. His people were dispersed for
safety. No more large gatherings, no
more sharing of ideas among the group.
Only two faithful acolytes to see to his needs. Fortunately he had few.
The last several years had
been difficult. Learning the hard way of
Pardek's treachery, having to choose to stay when he was uncertain as to the
impact he had actually had. Then the war
had come. Romulus had not stayed
neutral, aligning itself with first the Cardassians and now with the
Federation. Each time Tal shiar
operatives had searched the caves for sympathizers. He and his people had only been lucky so long.
His people. Spock felt a surge of humor where once he
would have felt pride. Had he really
fancied himself a latter day Surak? Had
his hubris been so great that he though he could unify the Romulans and his own
people? That seemed so long ago. Now he was content to learn that a new
believer had been accepted into their little band.
He heard Kenir outside the
opening to his chamber. He had been out
foraging for their next meals. They
lived day by day, as they could not afford to leave evidence of their
presence. They had only what they could
carry away. The food was carted in and
the refuse taken back out. They had
learned the hard way what evidence of their habitation could bring.
Spock closed his eyes in pain
as he remembered how many of his people had died in that raid by the Tal
shiar. Good people, precious to
him. Friends, kindred spirits. All gone.
That had been the end of their community. They had disbanded and met in groups of twos
or threes from then on. Each member
carrying news and ideas to one or two others.
Spock and his aides had retreated deeper into the caves where the heavy
metals in the walls played havoc with sensors and the Tal shiar was forced to
search by more conventional means. They
had not lost anyone since. Or at least
not to Romulan Intelligence. He had
heard that several of his band had been killed in the war. Victims of Cardassian retaliation in some
cases, willing fighters against the Dominion in others. He could not blame them. They were fighting for their homes, their
futures. He did not fault their motives,
but he did mourn their loss.
Just as he still mourned the
loss of his friends and his father. All
those he loved most had left him.
Christine, his mother, Kirk—he had lost him twice—McCoy just last year
and his father. That death was haunting
him, just as Jim's supposed loss in the Nexus had dominated his thoughts at the
time. He had been estranged from them
both. At least he had been on his way
back to Kirk, but Sarek and he had cut their ties forever. It was only when Picard had told him of
Sarek's death, had offered to bond with him, that he understood why his father
had acted as he had when they had last met.
Bendii's. It brought a chill to every Vulcan. It was to lose those things that made a
Vulcan what he was. There was no dignity
in it. Logic was forever hidden when
Bendii's took over.
He should have realized that
the disease had been to blame when Sarek had fought with him. He should have sensed without being
told. But the nature of their
relationship was not given to closeness or to the revealing of hidden
truths. Spock could not guess and Sarek
would never tell. A vicious circle of
stubborn pride. He and his father, for
all their differences, were so fundamentally alike in their inability to
bend.
He would never have known had
it not been for Picard's generous willingness to share memories from his own
meld with Sarek. Through him, Spock had
been able to touch, if only indirectly, the essence of his father. He could feel the rampant emotions that
Picard had helped Sarek lock down. He
had been chilled by his father's loss of control. Horrified yet impressed by Sarek's
indomitable spirit. His father had not
given in, not while there was fight in him.
Spock had touched more than
just the disease though. He had touched
love. An emotion that, if asked, Spock
would have denied Sarek was capable of feeling.
Love for Perrin, the companion of his last years. Tender pride in his youngest child
Sylar. An enduring love for Amanda. And a tortured love for his lost sons. First Sybok, then Spock. An emotion that at the end he knew he had
never adequately shared with either. He
had scorned the need to show or speak of it, had been so sure that they would
understand his deep feeling for them.
But ultimately he realized his sons never knew how much he cared. He died sure that Spock would never know.
Fortunately one human
preserved those memories for him. Spock
had not really recalled Picard until he saw himself reflected in the captain's
memories of Sylar's wedding day. Picard
had never forgotten that meeting. Now
Spock never would either.
A gentle buzzing sounded from
the outer chamber. Kenir bustled
inside. "We must move on,
Master. They are searching the tunnels
again."
Spock gathered his things
quickly, resigned to the life of a fugitive.
It was worth all the tense trouble if he could bring a new way to even
one Romulan. He followed Kenir deeper
into the catacombs. Behind them, the
cave bore no witness that they had ever made camp.
****************
Galen saw Varent look up
suddenly from where he was studying. For
a moment he seemed startled, then his face was transformed by a smile of pure
joy. Galen felt a tug on her own
energy. Spock! She turned to her mate, smiled lovingly at
him.
*It is time,* he said simply.
She could feel his
anticipation. *I must go to him.*
His laughter was clear,
following her as she winked out. *You'll
have your work cut out for you, my love.*
She arrived in time to see
Spock's body being carried to the foot of Mt. Selaya. Four Romulans walked behind, their
expressions mournful yet triumphant.
From the look of it, they had been finally caught in a raid like the one
she had watched years earlier. The one
that had killed so many of Spock's followers.
She could see that Spock had been grievously injured but somehow these
Romulans had managed to bring him back to Vulcan in time. She marveled at how they must love him.
She approached Spock's
litter, reacquainting herself with the familiar lines of his face. He had added a few since the last time she
had checked on him. But his face was as
beloved to her as ever.
A woman stepped out of the
crowd. Christine recognized her from the
wedding so long ago. She had aged since
then and her bearing and the rich robes she wore marked her as an important
personage now. She knelt in the red dirt
of Vulcan, cradling Spock's head in her lap.
For a moment there was
complete silence. The wind whistled
around them, blowing up little dust storms.
One of the Romulans wiped a tear from his eye. Galen felt her soul swell as she sensed the
end approaching.
The Vulcan leaned over
Spock. "Cousin, it is I,
T'Kel. I am here to take you to the
bridge to the ancient ones. Sylar is
here, with T'Janra, she who is his wife and the lady of your house now. Their daughters T'Chal and T'Pren honor their
uncle at the time of his passing.
T'Kel placed her hands just
above the meld points. "Those who went
before are ready to receive you, honored son of our house."
Galen felt another twinge as
she watched T'kel rise and lead those who lifted the litter up a flight of
stone stairs to a heavy door. She
knocked twice firmly and the door opened soundlessly. A priestess, her face and hands covered in
heavy black fabric stood blocking their way.
Her voice rang strongly through the veil. "Who comes to the Bridge?"
"T'Kel and Sylar,
bringing home Spock, son of Sarek."
The priestess opened the door
wider and motioned them in.
They took the litter from the
carriers and entered. The others stayed
behind.
The priestess closed the door
behind them before approaching the litter.
"Put him there." She
pointed to the far side of the room.
They carried him to a rock
slab. The litter fit it perfectly.
"Do not touch him,"
she instructed them. Then she motioned
to a corner far from the slab.
"Stay there. Honor your
house from the shadows."
Galen stood near Spock. His breathing was increasingly labored. It would be soon.
She studied the chamber. The slab was set diagonally in front of the
corner. The two walls were covered with
intricate carvings, each representing the clans and houses of Vulcan. The ones on the right wall were ancient. As she moved to the left to study the
carvings she saw how the newer clans had been added to the walls. There was intricate lettering running back
and forth. She could not strictly speaking
read the writing, but if she concentrated on it she knew what it said.
"The place of the
ancients, the time of transition. We
welcome our child, our sibling, our parent, to join with us. We seek completion in the severing of life
and the beginning of communion. Our
minds are touching, our katras rejoined."
Galen watched the priestess
as she touched Spock on the meld points, the heavy black fabric of her gloves
and veil hiding all of her.
Galen felt a stir. He was coming.
The priestess tensed. In the shadows there was the sound of T'Kel
and Sylar leaning forward in anticipation.
Galen stepped closer and saw
the energy that was Spock's essence spill from the crown of his head and onto
the gloves of the Priestess. For a
moment the soul hovered, unable to meld with the woman, but stuck outside a
body that no longer lived.
The priestess' voice rang
out. "Go now. Find your place among the ancient ones. Welcome home, son of Vulcan."
The soul seemed to be pulled
to a place high up on the right wall.
Galen recognized the seal of Spock's house. There was a flash of light and the soul
disappeared into the wall.
The priestess walked to Sylar
and T'Kel, nodded solemly. "It is
finished. Your watch is completed. Take and prepare the body." Then she walked to the door and held it open
for them.
They rose and retrieved the
litter, carrying it slowly out of the chamber.
Once they were out of sight,
the priestess walked around the room extinguishing the lamps. Then she whispered a blessing and closed the
door behind her. The chamber was plunged
into blackness.
Galen imagined light. She looked up at the wall and saw through it
to the soul that was Spock. The soul was
communing with its ancestors, happy to be home...or thought it was. To Galen's eye the soul stood alone, talking
to nothing.
"Spock!" she
called.
There was no reaction.
She appeared next to
him. "Spock!" She tried to startle him.
Nothing.
It would take some time
before his beliefs lost reality enough that he would see her. "Stubborn to the end," she teased
his unhearing spirit. "Nice to know
some things never change."
She allowed herself to drift
as she settled in for the long wait.
Interlude VIII – Realization
At first there was confusion,
then a strong compulsion to join with something or someone. Many someones. Spock felt nothing as he sought his place
among the voices that he heard all around him.
He bumped against something
and felt the need to merge but he was rebuffed by a powerful will made stronger
by a fabric permeated with ritual protection.
He turned away and the voices became stronger. The ancestors. Calling him, his katra.
He heard his father's voice
among the tumult, moved toward it. Felt
himself going faster and faster.
There! He sensed them, his
family, his clan. He followed the thread
and dived in and found all the ones who had gone before. Accepting.
Approving. Welcoming. He was home.
And so he stayed there for a
long time, finally feeling a complete part of something. The existence was everything. He was one with Kor-at-fal, the
all-the-ones. Pure essence. Pure spirit.
Pure logic.
Time moved but he did not
notice. Life endured outside the chamber
but he did not care. He was at peace.
And yet...a feeling began to
grow in him. A remembrance of words
past.
"Is this all there
is? Is there nothing more?"
A vague unease filled him.
And then he heard her.
"Spock?"
A trick of his mind. Yet he had no mind. How could he imagine her here? She was human. She could not be with the all-the-ones.
"Spock?"
She could not be impatient
either. He was essence, in the chamber
of the ancients, in the presence of spirit.
Dead human lovers were not a part of this.
"Spock, could you come
out of the wall now? I'm really
bored."
He could not help
himself. He moved toward the voice. And realized he was staring down at her.
"Christine?"
Her smile lit up the
chamber. Literally. How could this be? He reached back for the Kor-at-fal but they
were gone. And he was suddenly on the
ground next to her.
"Christine."
"Hello, Spock. I was starting to wonder if you were ever
going to come out."
"I do not
understand? My katra..."
"No such
thing."
She grinned and he was struck
at how beautiful she seemed to him. Just
as he remembered her from the days before Khan.
He frowned slightly.
"Again. I do not
understand."
"You will eventually,
Spock. But I know it's confusing
now."
"How can there be no
katra?"
"Well there was, for a
while. I mean as long as you believed in
it. But eventually the unreality of it
sank in and I could reach you."
"You have been trying
long?"
She laughed. "You might say that."
He looked around the room.
"Starting to feel pretty
cramped in here?"
He nodded slowly.
She held out her hand to
him. He studied her for a moment,
realizing that the tenseness, the anger, and unhappiness that had always
shadowed her were gone. She seemed
filled with bliss. He reached out his
hand to hers.
The minute they made contact
their surroundings changed. Gone was the
dank chamber. Now they stood in a place
of pure light.
"Welcome home,
Spock."
He looked around. The place did feel oddly familiar. He saw a building ahead of him, felt drawn to
it. He started to move but Christine's
touch stopped him.
"Wait a moment. You need to rejoin before you go in to the
Council."
"Rejoin?"
Christine touched her head to
his, then she transformed into pure energy.
*Remember this, my love?*
His first reaction was to
resist her. Then he felt her essence
fluttering at the edges of his consciousness.
Like a meld, only more complete, more powerful. He experienced a thrill of recognition, then
felt his own body turning to energy. As
he opened himself to it, he began to remember. *Galen?*
She was here with him, his lover, his mate. The other half of his soul.
*Varant.* Her mind voice was everywhere, inside him and
yet separate. How could he have
forgotten this? He reached out and felt
Gwydion's touch and Kaspur's joyous welcome.
He sensed the parts that remained of Curtiss and Kamerin. How had he ever forgotten these much beloved
souls?
*It is the way it has to
be. Total immersion, near total
amnesia. We need it to get to work.*
He could feel the part of
himself that had never left reinforcing what Galen said. Such an odd dichotomy. He was Spock, yet he was so much more. He remembered only his life as a Vulcan, and
recalled every life he had ever had.
Galen's voice was rich with
laughter. *You're over-thinking this,
Varant. Let go and allow yourself to
become whole.*
He quit fighting and
surrendered to his larger self. As he
did so, all the hurts he had experienced, the anger and sorrow, fell away to
become clear but distant memories.
Galen increased her energy
flow to him. He felt a rush of pleasure
envelope him.
*I have missed you so, my
love,* her thoughts were a caress.
A new mind voice interrupted
them. He recognized their Oversoul
Korel. *The sooner you get in to the
Council, the sooner you'll be out and with us.*
Varant felt a moment of
trepidation.
Galen nudged him toward the
entrance. *At least you didn't commit
suicide. Don't think we didn't have to examine that at length.*
He nuzzled her. *I had other failings, love.*
She nodded. *Yes, we all do. We're not perfect. But we're learning.*
Yes, they were learning. He gave Galen a final caress and headed
toward the door, ready to examine his past and prepare for the future.
***************
Galen felt her whole essence
expand now that Varant was wholly with her again. He had acclimated quickly as they all usually
did. It was no hardship for him to come
back to this place where all was clear.
She remembered her own hesitancy to return. Ending a life prematurely as she did, or
committing great evil could keep a soul timid about returning. But the Oversouls were there to help through
the transition. In cases such as hers,
the souls many times remained in a ghostly state near the incarnation point
till their natural death time occurred.
It wasn't required, but it was often how things happened.
But that life was past
now. She and Varant were heavily into
planning for the next one. Like many
younger souls they would not wait long between incarnations. The experience of living was the prime way to
grow, to evolve, for souls in their age group.
As much as they loved their home, they knew they had to go back.
And the timing was right.
Their future parents had been chosen, siblings and friends selected, all
involved agreed on the arrangements.
Varant's parents, Nimith and Crandal, were from the same soul group as
Galen's future father and mother. Varant
and Galen's new personas would grow up together in a group of family and
friends who had been through some of life's ultimate trials and had bonded
tightly because of it.
Galen felt an energy
approaching. It was Kamerin. They merged affectionately for a moment, then
separated.
*It will soon be time.* Kamerin's mind voice was wistful.
*You won't be far behind me,
silly.* She thought of the life they had
been planning together. They would be
close friends as well as siblings. She
would always have that support as well as loving parents and honorary aunts and
uncles. It was a life much more inclined
to success and happiness than her last one.
Not that it would be without trials.
No life was. What would be the
point?
Another energy joined
them. Varant. She opened herself to him joyfully, felt his
answering love. And something else. Her spirits sank even as she fought the
reaction.
*Do not be sad, my
love.* His mind voice was sure and
strong.
*It's just so soon.* She fought the descending sorrow.
Kamerin leaned into them
both, sending love and strength. Then
she left them alone.
*Come with me,* his voice had
turned melancholic in response to her emotion.
She felt a duty to cheer
him. *It's not like you have to stay
there all the time at first.*
He agreed, *No, I can come
and see you. At least until I fully fuse
with the life I will become.*
*And by then you will want to
stay there.*
It was the way things
worked. At first the link was
tenuous. And a baby did so little when
it was just born. The soul could easily
leave and come back as it willed with little to no effect on the host. But later, as development began the soul
would be needed. And as it fused, became
one with the child, it would begin to forget.
Soon this place would only be a dim yearning.
*Come with me?* Varant
repeated quietly. *Share this moment
with me?*
*Of course I will.* Galen sensed the pull on him. She would watch him be born. Maybe her own future parents would be there.
*It is time.* He disappeared and she followed him.
They emerged in a room where
a young woman strained to push her child out into the world. Her husband urged her on. A doctor barked orders. Galen was startled as she realized he had no
life energy. He was not as them, yet a
soul shone brightly in him. She did not
understand.
*Infinite Diversity in
Infinite Combinations,* Varant teased her with Spock's voice. *The soul is there even if he is not strictly
speaking a living being.*
She accepted his words,
distracted by the crowning head of the infant.
*Soon we will be together
again in body, my only one. We will
share the pleasures that are only possible in life. And we will do better than last time. I have faith in that, in us.*
She joined with him one last
time. Then he began to lose substance as
he merged with the child. Even as she
sent a whispered *Good-bye,* she could feel the part of Varant that remained
back in their home also bid himself farewell.
With a squalling cry the baby
was born. The doctor handled her gently,
then gave her to the father. He cradled her
tenderly and knelt down to show his exhausted wife their child.
"Oh, B'Ela, she's the
most beautiful thing I've ever seen."
His wife's smile was one of
pure joy. "Hello little
one." She reached for the child and
held her to her breast. The child fed
contentedly as the woman pulled the covers around them both.
There was a knock, then the
door opened and a group of people crowded in.
Galen felt herself drawn to the two who stepped forward. She felt a shock of love as she recognized her
future parents.
Her father smiled at the new
family. "We won't keep you long,
but we all had to see our baby."
The new father laughed. "And she can't wait to meet all of
you."
Galen's mother started
shooing the others out. "Ok, you've
seen her, now give them some time together." The doctor followed the others out. When the four were alone with the new baby,
Galen's mother leaned forward to touch the baby's cheek.
The new mother smiled at
her. "You should have one of your
own. You've had to mother all of
us. Isn't it time to do it for
real?"
Galen's mother looked at the
man standing next to her.
He beamed and took her
hand. "Tell them, Kathryn."
She nodded. "Nobody knows yet except the
Doctor. It would seem a little
celebration that the Commander and I had," she grinned at the man next to
her, "got a little out of ahem...control.
In about eight months this little one is going to have a playmate."
The four shared a happy smile
and Galen's father wrapped his arms around her mother. He smiled wistfully. "I hope it's a girl and looks just like
you."
Galen smiled as her mother
got a faraway look, then turned to glare at him. "Don't be silly. It will be a boy. As strong and handsome..."
"...and patient,"
he interjected with an evil grin.
"And patient," she
agreed, "as you."
"Well I'm sure no one is
going to argue with Captain Janeway about that," laughed her father. He leaned in and kissed her cheek gently.
Galen lost herself in
watching them. She reveled in the love
and kinship in the room. Finally it was
time to go and leave them alone to enjoy the new child and the promise of
another. She could hardly wait to get
back to share with Kamerin what she had seen and felt. And to continue working hard, to prepare
while she waited for her next life to begin.
And then it would be her turn
to join with a new life. To be the child
of these two wonderful people who would love and protect her. To again fall in love with the soul that made
her complete.
Galen smiled as she winked
out. It looked like it would be one hell
of a ride.
FIN
If you like this view of
reincarnation and the life between lives, read "Journey of Souls" and
"Destiny of Souls" both by Michael Newton and/or the "Oversoul
7" series by Jane Roberts.