DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2001 by Djinn. This story is Rated PG.
Solitary Confinement
by Djinn
Personal Log: Stardate 4225.8
I'm finally here. This ship is everything I expected and
more. It is spotless and I know it has
to be the model of efficiency for the rest of the fleet. I love that when an order is given here there
is no hesitation, no subtle pause to digest.
The way the crew works makes sense.
It lends order to the process.
There is no wasted effort here.
Sheer perfection. And that's a
word I got in trouble for using at the Academy, and later during my first
assignment. My peers considered me a
pain in the butt. "She's a
perfectionist. None of us can ever
measure up." But is it unreasonable
to expect that things run efficiently?
Logically? That if you do
something, it makes sense? I never
thought so. And now that I'm here, I see
that it really can be done.
I was honored to be chosen
for this position. I'm the only human
aboard this ship yet I already feel at home here after only a few hours. Maybe it's the atmosphere? I mean the emotional atmosphere. It's so calm, so serene. Like the whole crew has found zen. In all my meditation groups we never achieved
this level of inner quiet. Such a nice
change of pace from the hustling world that was Star Fleet Command.
I have to admit though it's a
little hot onboard. The first thing I
did when I finally had some time to relax in my quarters was turn the heat down
to a more Earth-like norm. I also added
a bit more oxygen to the filtering. At
least they don't have the gravity turned all the way up to Vulcan norm or I'd
really be in trouble. They keep it sort
of midway between what I'm used to and their standard. My supervisor told me it was "logical to
keep it lower as it allowed them extra strength and stamina, thus adding to the
overall efficiency of the crew." He
said that when they were scheduled for a return to Vulcan for any length of
time they gradually turned the gravity back up to allow the crew to
readjust. I'm glad we aren't due there
any time soon.
I saw the Botany lab during
my tour. It's amazing. Absolutely huge and with all the most
advanced equipment. And the energy in
the place. So many people working
together for the same goal. I can't wait
to start work.
Personal Log: Stardate 4235.8
I think I'm actually
homesick. I seem to be comparing everything—the
food, the crew, stupid little things--to what I knew before. I never thought I'd miss Earth.
I know I'm incredibly lucky
to have been chosen for this assignment but I wish there were a few other
humans to hang around with. I haven't
exactly made any friends here. Not that
I had that many back home. Or at least I
didn't think I did. But I'm noticing now
how much I miss the interaction. Maybe I
didn't realize all the relationships that made up a normal day.
And the food. I thought I liked my food hot but this is
inedible. I finally had to ask for the
codes to download the non-Vulcan menu to the replicator. I know that they were probably just
conserving space. But wouldn't it have
been logical on their part to anticipate that I might not like their
dishes? But I'm just the lone
human. The needs of the many and all
that.
I know I'm projecting. They warned me about this during the psych
part of the orientation sessions. And
they said it would start hitting around five days out. I made it to ten. Yay me.
So my crewmates are certainly
typical Vulcans. It's all business and I
like that. Really. Efficiency is good. But...I don't know. I guess every now and then I think of
something funny to say and there's no one to say it to. Like in staff meeting the other day. I totally forgot myself and muttered
something under my breath. Overlooked
that whole acute hearing thing. I felt
so stupid as our section chief paused for a moment then looked at me and asked,
"Did you have something to add, Lieutenant?" I stammered something lame. He just looked at me. "Indeed," he replied then went back
to what he was saying. It was so
creepy. He totally dismissed me without
changing his tone or moving a muscle on that stony face. Just not human. And yeah, I'm laughing at that statement. Of course he's not human, Tish. Isn't that the whole idea?
So I should think of a better
example, something that isn't my fault.
Some instance that I wasn't stupid.
Like how there's no one to really talk to. I sit at meals and people are pleasant and ask
me polite questions about my home and schooling. But we don't connect. We talk but I don't feel like we're
communicating.
I know that I'm just feeling
isolated. Loneliness is normal even for
someone who spent as much time alone as I did.
I'm sure it will get better soon.
Personal Log: Stardate 4250.3
God this environment is
unpleasant. I don't think I've ever felt
so physically uncomfortable. The ship
would give a sauna a run for its credits.
A dry sauna, there isn't an iota more humidity in the air than is
required for the machines to run at peak.
The dry heat is bad enough but then add in the thin air. Together they suck the life out of me and
make me feel even more isolated. I spend
my entire shift sweating and trying to catch my breath. I've completely abandoned the concept of
makeup. What's the use? Nobody here notices one way or the other, and
it slips off my face as soon as I put it on. And don't get me started on the
gravity! Everything I try to do takes
twice as much effort. And expending that
energy is not fun when I'm having trouble breathing doing anything more
strenuous than meditation.
So it's hotter than hell on
this ship but inside I feel as if I'm freezing to death. I've never felt so alone. These people give a whole new meaning to
cold. I haven't connected with anyone
since I got here. They just keep their
distance. I feel like they are always
observing me. Judging me. Nobody ever exchanges small talk. What would be the logic in that? It is an inefficient use of time. I feel as if I can't approach anyone unless I
have a work question or proposal.
All my life I've aspired to
be like Vulcans. To embrace logic and
reason. Now I want nothing more than to
walk up to a group of them and scream at the top of my lungs. I know I'd never do that. But they seem to bring out all the worst
traits of my humanity.
I miss so many things that I
never thought I would. I miss loud music
after a long work period and drinking beer with my shift mates. I miss flirting, and gossip, and
sarcasm. I miss the sound of arguments
and the gurgle of laughter.
I can't say I wasn't
warned. My sponsor told me it would be
hard. He'd spent some time on a Vulcan
ship years ago. But he said that I fit
the profile of people who excelled at adapting to this environment. He said I'd overcome any problems that would
arise. I hope to god he was right.
Personal Log: Stardate 4254.3
Today I sat in my room and
cried for what seemed like hours. I have
to pull myself together. This is so
unprofessional. And the worst part is
that I don't want to walk back out of this room. I don't want to face them again. I don't want to wonder if they could feel
this firestorm of emotion and if it made them uncomfortable. I know they'll be too polite to say
anything. Courtesy is a given here. But will they look at me with more
disapproval than I already feel?
Nothing really happened to
set me off. Nothing here I mean. My shift was uneventful. My experiments are going well. I was fine, or my current version of that
state, until I got back to my quarters.
There was a comm from home waiting for me. The whole family had gathered for Laurie's
birthday. They all took turns saying
hello, catching me up. I was okay till
Mom came on. I miss her so much. I miss them all so much.
Personal Log: Stardate 4260.6
T'Shel asked me to work on
her alyrium cansidia project. I'm
stunned. That plant is so delicate and I
would have thought that she would consider me incapable of the precision needed
to handle it. And she had her choice of
just about anyone in the lab. I'm not
really sure why she chose me. I'm
excited though. I've always wanted to
work with this type of plant. I never
thought I'd get the chance.
She asked me to eat with her
at the mid-shift break so we could discuss some strategy for germination. It's the first time I've really eaten *with*
someone. It was nice. She was nice.
I mean in a really non-emotional way.
It's hard to explain, but for the first time in a long time I didn't
feel like I was being judged. I felt
like an equal.
She was curious why I didn't
order Vulcan food. When I told her it
was too hot she let me try hers. It
reminded me of the food back home in Albuquerque. She told me she didn't like it so fiery
either and offered to give me the codes for her favorite dishes. If they all taste like the one she had today,
that will be great.
Personal Log: Stardate 4262.6
Our alyrium died. I couldn't believe it when we came in and it
was just dead. Our strategy was a
complete flop. I expected T'Shel to ask me
to find another project. But she
didn't. She asked me what I thought went
wrong. We studied all our work and
decided our ammonia to nitrite mix was off.
So we are trying again with another one tomorrow.
The strangest part of it all
was when I realized she was saddened by the death of the plant. Her expression was barely different than it
had been the day before but somehow I was reading sadness from her. And I know I wasn't imagining it. She felt the loss even though her nature kept
her from expressing it.
She invited me to come with
her tonight to eat with some of her acquaintances from engineering. They are from the same town she grew up in
and they get together to exchange news from home. I was surprised to be included. And nervous.
But when I got there everyone was nice to me. They didn't grill me as I expected but
allowed me to settle into their group as they caught each other up. I kept expecting to be bored but I wasn't.
And I could have sworn that
one of the men was teasing me about my aversion to the very hot dishes. His face remained impassive but Sylar seemed
to take an interest in me and in making me smile. At the end of the meal he asked if I would
like a tour of engineering some day. I
would have sworn he was interested in me except he must be bonded. Not that I didn't notice that he is very
handsome. But I don't care. I am just happy to feel comfortable around
someone here.
Personal Log: Stardate 4265.8
Success! The alyrium is germinating. We hit the mix right and now must nurse it to
full growth. One of the stages will
include the alyrco stage. I have always
wanted to smell this short-lived bloom.
It is said to be better than any earth flower, a mix of rose and
frangipani, jasmine and iris. T'Shel
said that it will appear in the next few weeks.
She told me to be sure to analyze the essence so that when we are off duty
she can show me how to make a perfume from the chemical signatures.
Personal Log: Stardate 4270
We are in orbit around Delta
Thespax IX a class M world that Star
Fleet is interested in using as a science base.
The surrounding planets are inhabited but none have developed space
flight so we will not be in contact with them.
But we are free to roam Delta Thespax while the engineers and geologists
determine the best site for the base.
This is a botanist's
fantasy. I have only dreamed of such a
profusion of plants in their natural state.
The soil here is incredibly fertile and things appear to bloom
easily. The smell is amazing too,
perhaps to entice the little flitting insects that appear to be the main
pollinator.
I am enjoying the respite on
the planet because it has earthlike conditions.
It is a relief to be able to walk and not feel heavy and winded. Sylar accompanied me on one of my walks. He was on a break from the site analysis and
seemed to seek out my company. I find
that I enjoy his company more than a little.
I must remember to keep my emotions in check. This man has a wife back on his home
world. He is only being nice to me.
But still, I love the sound
of his voice. He tells me many stories
of his home in ShiKahr. He grew up with
other Vulcans who left for the stars.
Also one who went to the Academy.
I was surprised at this but Sylar explained that Spock was a blend of
Vulcan and Human. I had not realized
that was possible. I must admit it set
my mind down paths it probably should not have traveled.
Personal Log: Stardate 4285.3
The alyrium bloomed
today. I have never smelled anything so
lovely. T'Shel too seemed lost in its
essence and we noticed that crewmembers we never see down in Botany found a
reason to come in today. The flower will
be withered by this time tomorrow but for this one day it was perfection.
Sylar came in to smell it
when I was analyzing the scent. I told
him T'Shel was going to teach me to make perfume. I don't know if I can do justice to his
reticent charm but he said something like "the smell would serve to
enhance what were already most pleasant interactions." This man is dangerous. I find I like him. So much it scares me. When he asked me to eat with him after shift
I made an excuse and declined.
Personal Log: Stardate 4293.4
Today was the celebration of
Ni'Vakral'Tai. The time of the gentle
winds, literally. The crew celebrated
for two days. Not in the human tradition
of raucous fun and drink. But in the
Vulcan's gentle observance of a treasured time.
We traveled from room to room on the ship to sample regional
delicacies. T'Shel and Sylar were with
me to steer me away from the dishes they knew I would not like. And there was music and entertainments. As I watched the faces of my crewmates I
began to see the subtle shifts that marked the change of mood, the amusement,
the sadness. And I felt welcomed and
warm. Even the heat didn't seem to
bother me as much.
I wore my perfume. It made me feel free and serene. Here I was appreciated for my brain, for my
efficiency, for my initiative. But in
the beauty of the scent I could also be appreciated for myself, the person that
was made up of more than just brain.
Every emotion I had was spilling up in me, yet I had never felt less
inclined to show them, to let them rule me.
Was this then serenity? I seemed
to finally grasp the Vulcan way, the balance of emotions with logic.
Later though, when Sylar
stood close to me and recited the ritual blessing of the winds, I did not feel
calm. I felt altogether too human. But I know he was just being kind to me.
Personal Log: Stardate 4294.4
Sylar doesn't have a
wife! Ok, I shouldn't be happy about
this. It's tragic after all. I shouldn't be rejoicing that the woman he
was married to died in an accident four years ago. And I'm not.
But at the same time, I am far from unhappy that he is free. Because it means that all those things I
thought I sensed from him, the signals, the interest, were really there. Not that he has done anything to dishonor her
memory or his culture. He has been the
picture of decorum. But when I look in his
eyes, I see something there. Something
buried. A fire. Banked yes. But there.
T'Shel was the one to tell me
about his wife's death. T'Shel had
known her all her life. Said it grieved
her to lose a childhood companion, one for whom she had cared. I was surprised by this admission. But I was shocked when she told me that she
felt she must tell me about this so that I understood how things were. She said that without this information I was
perhaps not correctly assessing a certain situation. For a moment I thought I saw her eyes
twinkle.
How could I ever have thought
these people cold?
Personal Log: Stardate 4306.3
Yesterday, T'Shel and I were
chosen to accompany Captain Satak and the landing party to the science exchange
on the homeworld of the Gamma 7A star group.
I was pleased to be included although I missed Sylar. I have grown accustomed to spending much of
my free time with him and it seems strange not to have him near. If he heard this, he would tell me to quit
being emotional. He has lately taken to
teasing me gently about my nature. I
don't mind the ribbing. He does it
without malice and with much affection.
He moves slowly, this Vulcan, but with the implacable assurance of a
lava flow. It seems he is courting me in
the steady way of his people. It is
totally logical. And yet underneath I
think he has started to burn as deeply for me as I increasingly do for
him. I have never felt so comfortable
with a man. It will take time to get to
know one another. I like the careful
pace, the unhurried feel of it. This
will not be one of those relationships that one rushes into and then out
of. This will be for keeps,
forever. There is no reason to think
this cannot last until one or both of us dies.
And I am comfortable with that.
I am so glad that I came
here. Aside from the unexpected
emotional fulfillment, I am satisfied with so many things that are unfolding
for me now. I have been given the chance
to excel at my career, to enjoy the company of dedicated and brilliant
scientists. And I am making friends,
closer I think than those I knew on Earth.
Sylar of course. And T'Shel. But also others that I have worked with
during my time here. What I saw as
coldness seems now to be a cautious reticence, a willingness to let things
unfold in the manner and time that they are meant to. Nothing is forced here. I like that.
I have the best of both
worlds. I am on the biggest adventure of
my life exploring space and making a difference in the world around me. And I am surrounded by those who don't think
it odd to occasionally seek solitude in order to nurture the inner being. I have found my true self on board this
Vulcan ship. The Intrepid has indeed
become my home and I never want to leave her.
I am so lucky.
FIN