DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2019 by Djinn. This story is Rated R.

The Problem of Being Human

By Djinn

Chapter 4 – Yesterday's Tomorrow

Chapel sat with Lori in a bar far from Starfleet Command. They were both out of uniform, pretending to be regular people. Very drunk regular people. Lori was sitting next to her on the banquette since someone had taken the chair that would normally have been across the tiny cocktail table. It had the benefit of making it easier to talk in the noisy place and also made them look together-together, which would keep anyone from hitting on them when Chapel just wanted to mourn her lost captain—and opportunity—in peace.

"To the shortest stint as CMO ever," she said as she held out her glass. It was the fifth time they'd toasted it. "And to Will and whatever that Ilia thing was. I hope they find happiness in unity."

"Do you think they will?" Lori sounded skeptical.

Chapel just shrugged.

"Well, at least I have you back." Lori grimaced. "I know. I know. It sucks. But I'm running out of comforting things to say."

"It's okay. I'll stop whining soon. I promise."

"I know you will. You're a survivor." She shook her head, her expression wry. "Gotta give Jim credit—he can screw a lot of lives up without breaking a sweat. You're not the only one who jumped ship."

Chapel knew that. Jan had transferred off almost as fast as she had. Kirk hadn't appeared to mind either of them getting the hell out of there. "At least he and Spock are very happy." God, she could have lived forever without seeing their sappy ass reunion in sickbay.

Although it was the stake in the heart of her last hopes about Spock and her. It finally set her free.

"You do have antitox, right?" Lori asked as she motioned their server over and ordered two more manhattans.

"Yep. But I'm not taking it until I'm about to puke."

"How adult of you." She leaned back and crossed her legs, and as her very short skirt slid up a little, Chapel enjoyed the sight of a little more tan skin showing than it had before.

"Are you checking me out?" Lori tipped her chin up. "How drunk are you?"

"I don't have to be drunk to know how pretty you are." She sighed. "Sorry if I made you uncomfortable."

"You didn't. It's just... I thought you were with someone. You seemed happier for a while."

"Yeah, well, happiness doesn't last all that long." She closed her eyes. It only lasted a few days if you did it as well as she and Amanda and Sarek had.

"Please tell me you weren't with Jim."

"I wasn't. He did ask me out, though."

"Of course he did."

"I actually don't think it had much to do with me. I was just a familiar face and he was lonely." She slouched down and leaned against Lori's shoulder.

"Who were you with?"

"I can't tell you."

"Oh, fuck me. You weren't with Decker, were you? It would explain the extra level of moroseness here."

"Nope."

"Friends share, Chapel." When she shook her head. "A hint. Come on."

"I can tell you it was a woman. Not Fleet." And a man. But she was leaving that part out. Partly because it was way too complicated to explain, and partly because Sarek hadn't been the one to break her heart. At the end of the day, they'd both been pulled along in Amanda's wake.

"Well that narrows it down." She mock glared. "So, you do like women?" She grinned and crossed her legs again.

Chapel rolled her eyes. "She was my first." She sighed and reached for the antitox before she could spill too much, but Lori stopped her.

"You'll clam up once you're sober. Talk to me. What happened?"

"Have you ever thought something sounded so good—like the answer to a lot of things—and then you get into it and you realize it's not at all what you thought it would be?"

"I do. Does that mean you're sticking to men?"

"That's the hell of it. I liked being with her. Until it went to shit. But it went to shit because she is who she is, not because she's female."

"I actually followed that." Lori laughed softly. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, me too." She closed her eyes and shook her head at her own folly—the room spun and she rode it out. "It's just that when I fall, I do it quietly, you know? And I think about it and usually I just keep it to myself. Well, unless some stupid virus makes me tell someone like, oh, say, Spock, that I love him. But otherwise, the person needs to make the first move, you know?"

"Okay."

"So sometimes they do. Like Roger did. And sometimes they never do. Like Spock never did. And then there's this. She did and it was so nice. But then things changed and the nice little dream world I was living in went poof. Nothing left. Only everything's left because people don't just disappear." She hadn't run into Amanda or Sarek yet, but it was probably just a matter of time. "And normally I'd just pour myself into my job but I don't have a posting I'm proud of."

Starfleet Medical had a place for her but it wasn't like being CMO. Like having someone want her for a job. They took her back because they had to.

Although her mentors had been quick to tell her no one thought the worse of her for leaving. Being deputy had not been what she'd signed up for. The only reason they hadn't reassigned her as CMO to another ship was that the slots were all filled. She was waiting for someone to either die or retire basically if she wanted to get into a new slot before the next round of reassignments.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out the antitox, taking a tab and putting the pack on the table so Lori could help herself.

"I can't help much with the heartache. Although if you point her out to me, I will kick her ass."

Chapel laughed. "You'd do that for me?"

"I'd do anything for you. Haven't you figured that out yet?" Lori leaned hard against her. "I can help with the job."

"You don't have to."

"But I do. Because this is for my staff, and I don't hire people I don't think I can count on."

"You suddenly need a doctor for Nogura? Come on."

"I need someone with your unique set of skills." She laughed. "Let's talk about it when we're not drowning our sorrows. The position will open up in a few weeks. Nogura's on board with you coming in."

"You already asked him? What if I wasn't on board with that?"

"Aren't you?" Lori's grin was unrepentant.

"Shut up." She started to laugh. "Of course I am."

"Because I do know you, Chapel."

And that felt good. That felt right.

"I know it didn't happen in a way that either of us like, but I'm really glad you're back on Earth."

"Me too. You've been my sanity."

"Buck up, little camper," Lori said as she took her hand and pulled her to her feet. "We may be sober again, but that does not mean we're dead. We're young-ish. We look amazing." She reached up, playing with her hair. "The waves suit you. So pretty." She touched her cheek gently. "Now, let's go out there and only dance with each other, and make everyone else cry because they can't have us." She grinned in a way that made Chapel laugh.

"I love you, Lori."

"Right back at you, Chapel."

##

Amanda walked through the embassy, taking it in, nodding serenely to those who murmured greetings. It was nice to be back. Nice to not feel so on edge.

Or it had been. When she'd known they had the apartment to go back to. But now, with Christine home they needed to give it back to her. Or she assumed they did. Christine hadn't been in touch.

She found Sarek in the courtyard, sitting by the fountain. "My wife."

"My husband." She resisted putting the emphasis on the "my" part of that. He was hers, no matter how much he had enjoyed Christine.

Hell, she had enjoyed Christine. It didn't mean she wanted to trade Sarek in for her.

She'd never gone to therapy. Had decided she didn't want to share what was going on—the things she'd done with and to Christine—with an outsider. If any of it got out, it was a risk to Sarek and his standing. And hers, if she was honest.

She'd come to realize as she'd processed things in a more solitary way, that there was little she wouldn't do to protect herself. It was a bit chilling.

"Have you seen her?" Shit, that wasn't what she'd meant to ask.

"I have not."

Should she care that he didn't have to ask who she meant. Then again, how many other women were there in this city that were so important to both of them.

"Do you miss her?" She hadn't asked him this while Christine had been safely gone. Now that she was back on Earth, it seemed crucial.

"If I say yes, it will upset you."

She sat next to him, put her hand over his where the touch would be hidden by his robe. He twined his fingers with hers. "I won't be upset. I just don't want us to have her between us as something we don't talk about. She's a part of us now, our history—our love."

He nodded.

"But I wish she'd stayed on the ship."

"Kirk demoted her."

"It's the flagship. The deputy posting on it is still a plum assignment." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I didn't have to think about her if she was gone."

"You do not have to think about her now that she has returned. You are choosing to."

"I wanted her. I took her. I shared her. And then I threw her away. And you had no say in the matter."

He seemed to be considering that. "I could have said no at any point. To you leaving me. To spending time with you in her apartment. To being open to having her become part of our relationship. To then allowing you to end it. We both know a bond does not mean Vulcans do not leave each other if something else is desired."

"We do."

"I stayed. I was part of it. Perhaps not driving the decisions but enabling." He trailed his other hand through the fountain. "What of the apartment?"

She hated to give it up. They'd enjoyed it so much—that haven. "She hasn't told me she wants it back."

"Perhaps it has memories she would rather forget."

"Yes. Perhaps." He understood humans far too well. "At least Spock is back."

Spock had commed her immediately after they had eliminated the threat from V'ger. He'd seemed...happy and open. The meld with that killing machine had made him temporarily more emotional, if she understood what he'd told her right. She had much less confusion about the state of his heart—he was with Jim. Really with him. Finally, he had what he wanted.

"Yes. We have that." Sarek squeezed her hand gently. "Our son has returned."

##

Sarek beamed aboard the Enterprise, a last minute ship change and one he felt uncertain about. He was surprised to see both Kirk and Spock waiting for him in the transporter room.

"Ambassador." Kirk's voice was warm.

"Father." Spock's voice was less harsh than it had been the last time they talked.

"I thought you might like having your son show you to your quarters? We'll be at Leadrat in fourteen hours. Time enough for dinner, if you're hungry?"

"Most kind, Captain."

"Sarek, call me Jim." There was something he could not read at first, then he realized it was a subdued form of...pleading. Kirk wanted him to accept him as part of Spock's life.

But when had he not been?

He did not want to call him Jim. This man, now happy with what he had so precipitously rejected, had set so many things in motion. People had been hurt because of his actions. The fact that things had resolved in such an agreeable manner was due to circumstances, not his choices.

He did not say that, however. He settled for nodding with a slight bow, an apparent acquiescence.

"I'll leave you two," Kirk said with a smile as they exited the transporter room.

Spock watched him walk away, then turned back to Sarek. "You are well, Father? And Mother?"

"Indeed, my son. Our fortunes do not hinge on whether you are or are not a part of our lives."

Spock seemed to stiffen.

"I apologize. That was...an emotional response. Your mother prospers. I do as well. We are both pleased that you have abandoned Kolinahr." But that also sounded like a rebuke. "I mean to say—"

"It is accurate, Father. I did abandon it." He started walking, indicating for Sarek to come with him. "I wish to say that I...appreciate that you came to me at Gol. I know it was an extraordinary action on your part. And, while I will no doubt tell you that my words now are due to heightened emotions after the meld with V'ger, the fact that you cared, that you came, it meant everything." He met Sarek's eyes, his own open and unguarded.

"You are my son. I...care what happens to you."

Spock's eyes were warm as he nodded. He stopped and palmed open a door. "You should be comfortable here."

"Most kind." Sarek gestured to a chair. "May we sit for a while? Talk?"

"I regret I must return to my post."

And to Kirk. And he did not sound as if he regretted that. But what had Sarek expected? That decades of discomfort between them would be overwritten now, even when his son was acting so very human? "Of course. I will see you at dinner."

Which would no doubt be an uncomfortable meal. But Amanda would have words for him if he did not at least try to be welcoming to the man Spock loved. And it was purely an emotional need on his part to want to spend time alone with his son, without this interloper, this man who had blazed a swathe of destruction through all their lives. But a man who it was obvious was not going anywhere.

Kaiidth: what is, is.

"I look forward to it," he said, the lie barely detectable in his estimation.

Spock looked untroubled, so Sarek thought it was not obvious to him, either. "As do I, Father."

##

"How's the first day?" Lori asked as she rolled a chair next to Chapel's. "Overwhelming?"

"Little bit, yeah." She'd spent the morning being read into all the many things she now had access to. Programs she'd had no idea existed. "And also wow."

"Welcome to the inner workings. It's a lot to take in at first. A month from now, you'll be blasé."

"If you say so." She gestured to the terminal. "I've been reading the stuff in the queue that's marked for me. It's not all medical."

"It's sure not. Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you a biochemist? With a few other sciences as minors?" She grinned. "You, Lincoln, and Yang are here for a reason. Physical sciences, life sciences, and engineering all represented. Going through the reports is just one of the more mundane things we do here in Fleet Operations."

"Going through them...all?"

"Captains, for reasons both good and not so, falsify reports on ships' logs. Don't tell me you've never seen it done."

Chapel tried not to let it show on her face that she had—that it had been Lori's ex saving the reputation of her fiancé.

"Relax. We don't look into most of them. Just flag the things that look...irregular. It'll take a while at first but in no time you'll be flying through them. Nogura didn't get where he is by being surprised. But the Old Man also understands why it happens—he captained a ship or five in his day. It's five. Memorize their names. He'll bring them up at the most random times and you'll win points if you know the pertinent details."

Chapel swallowed visibly and hated that she'd made that show of nervousness.

"It's okay. Go into the file marked CYAC and open up TTK."

She did. A document named "Things to Know" opened, full of information on the ships Nogura had captained—and a lot of other information she might need about all sorts of things. "This is amazing. Does everyone get one of these?" she whispered.

"Nope. They sure don't." Lori laughed.

"CYAC?"

"Come on. It means 'Cover your ass, Chapel.'" She glanced down at her comm unit, which never seemed to stop pinging—the pace here was unreal. "Now, it's tradition to have pizza when a new member of the team reports. What's your favorite?"

"Hawaiian."

Lori rolled her eyes. "Of course it is."

"It's sweet and acidic and salty and—"

"I'm just yanking your chain. I like it too. And I'll make sure it's part of the order." She stared to roll away, but Chapel stopped her.

"Thank you. Not just for Hawaiian pizza and this amazing file. But...for rescuing me. Things have been really weird."

Lori's expression was sympathetic. "It's definitely not the way I hoped it would turn out for you or Will."

"He was such a good man."

"He was. One of the best. But we put the right man for the job into the center seat when we sent Jim out to meet V'ger. I may be annoyed as shit with him a lot of the time, but I'm not sure Will could have saved us."

Chapel wasn't sure she saw it that way, but there were so many factors that played into where her loyalties lay.

"You don't agree?"

"No, it's just—"

"I didn't bring you on to be a yes woman. You don't agree, then say so."

"A lot of what worked with V'Ger, with the Ilia copy, was Will's doing." She shrugged. "And a lot of it was Kirk's or Spock's. But Will might have gotten it done."

"Might have didn't cut it. I was part of the decision to send Jim."

So by extension she was part of the reason Chapel had been demoted, McCoy brought back—this whole crazy rollercoaster ride of downward mobility. "Oh. Wow. So did you bring me here because you feel guilty?"

"No." There was a devilish look on her face. "Who introduced you to Will in the first place? And talked you up after you went home rather than watch me and Jim fight?"

"I was exhausted."

"Details. But no. No guilt on having done what I could to put you in, or being partially responsible for you losing the posting. Life goes the way it goes. It's not whether or not we like it; it's how well we land after everything's been upended."

"I think I landed pretty damn well."

Lori laughed. "I think so too."

"So again I say thank you."

"You're welcome." She seemed about to say something else, but then paused.

"What?"

"Look, I didn't make you that file because we're friends or because I have a vested professional interest in you succeeding. I made it because I'm leaving and won't be here to mentor you after this next week. Keep that to yourself—it's not common knowledge yet." She was talking even more quietly than she had been before.

Chapel felt a rush of dismay. "I was looking forward to working with you." And to having a champion up here in this part of Command that had always seemed so far away.

"Same here. But you'll like my replacement. Admiral Cartwright's a really good guy. His selection hasn't been announced yet either, so keep that under your hat."

"Got it." She met Lori's eyes. "Will you at least be on Earth?"

"I'll be right down the hall. You're not going to get rid of me as a friend, just as a boss."

She felt a rush of relief. "Good."

##

The cafeteria was nearly empty—it was a weird hour to be eating lunch but some days Chapel had to grab food when she had a break. Nogura kept her running. Especially now that Lori was gone.

She was doing a lot more than just consulting on medical things. But then Lori had told her she would be. Lori was rarely wrong.

It wasn't the same without her in the suite. She was just down the hall, but it might as well have been worlds away given their respective schedules.

Just as she was finishing her food, she heard a small cough—his small cough. "Hello, Sarek," she said as she turned.

"Am I welcome?" Sarek didn't have a tray or cup or anything. "If I am not, I understand."

She gestured to the chair. "Sit. Please. My table is your table." She put a lot of bitterness in her voice and saw the words hit home.

He sat but seemed unsure what to say.

"You're speechless?"

"So it would seem."

"This whole thing seems to leave you that way."

He nodded, his eyes never leaving her face.

"How is she?"

"She prospers. She is, of course, relieved that Spock has left Gol and returned to Starfleet."

"I’m sure."

"And you? Do you prosper?"

She laughed, but it was a bitter sound. "How could I not? I'm in a fucking admiral's office. Doing important work." She leaned in. "Or is what you're really asking whether I've moved on or not?"

"It is not my business—as you will no doubt tell me if I express any interest in your personal relationships."

"Damned straight."

He still seemed to be waiting.

"Jesus, no. No, I'm not with someone. Happy?"

"Yes. And no. You deserve more. I think you want more."

"Well I had more for a hot second. More ran the hell away." She took a deep breath before anger overtook her. Or tears. Neither had any place when she was in the Starfleet cafeteria with the Vulcan ambassador.

"I did not mean to upset you," he murmured into the silence between them.

"Does she ever talk about me?" God, could she not just stop? Going down this road was ridiculous.

"Not often." He leaned in. "I wish I could tell you she did. I wish many things."

"I'm sure you do." She frowned. "How much can she feel of this? That you're with me here? That you're saying these things?"

"I am unsure. She is human and not psychically gifted so the bond for her is perhaps less...immediate than it is for a Vulcan."

She leaned in and pitched her voice low. "Then maybe she'll feel this. If she dies, Sarek, you're welcome to court me." She could feel her lips curving up in a mean smile.

"Even though I let her end things?"

"Yes, because you would do anything for your wife. I imagine you will do anything for your next one too." The words hung between them. Delineating everything Amanda had feared. Her age and that she would be replaced eventually.

But they were horrible words. And Chapel liked to think she wasn't a horrible person.

She leaned back, wanting to cut the tension. "But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's her you'd do anything for. Only her, not any other woman who might happen to be your wife someday."

And as the words came out, she knew it was true. She met his eyes, trying to make her expression regretful.

His expression was also gentle.

"I will always miss you, Sarek. Both of you. But...I'm not looking backwards. I need to move on. To forget."

"I will never forget." The words were said quickly, with more emotion than she expected.

"Thank you. That's kind."

"It is not kind. It is only the truth."

"An inconvenient one."

He rose. "Yes. Most inconvenient."

##

Sarek palmed into the apartment and saw that Christine had obviously been by since the last time he and Amanda had used it. The personal items she had left behind were gone: art from the walls, knickknacks from the shelves, some of the glasses she'd used for cocktails, and he thought several of the bottles.

She was not coming back. He imagined she would be promoted soon—Admiral Nogura would see to that. She would be able to afford a better place, one with perhaps a view that pleased her.

It left him unaccountably bereft to think of this place without her.

He heard the door open and turned, seeing Amanda there, staring at him. Then her gaze turned to the empty places on the walls. "She's been here?"

"Apparently so."

She walked to the bedroom, opened the door but did not go in, then turned to study the bar cart. "She took the cachaça."

He lifted an eyebrow, not understanding.

"It's nothing. She's just making it clear the past is past, I guess."

"Did you want it to be something else, my wife?"

She shook her head, her expression even and almost Vulcan. "Kaiidth." She was studying him with great intent too. "You're sad. This place makes you sad now."

He nodded. "It will not impact anything; it is simply what I feel."

She took a deep, ragged breath. "Is that why you're not telling me you saw her today?"

He had wondered if she would feel his reaction to Christine. "I am not telling you because there is nothing to tell. I saw her in the cafeteria. I thought she might need closure."

"Oh, I think she's had all the closure she can take. I think it's you who needed it."

"Perhaps." He shrugged, a gesture he only did with her.

"I'm not begrudging you that. I know it's odd, her back when we thought she was safely away." She looked around the apartment. "If she moved out, she may have cancelled the lease. We should pack up our things. This place...it's in our past."

He welcomed the idea of it no longer being a part of their life. He was tired of the double life, even if Amanda spent most of her days and nights at the embassy now.

It was time to walk away from this. Being here, with Christine, had been enjoyable—perhaps necessary for them at the time. But it was over.

He could feel his wife's resolve on that.

The door chime went off and she looked at him, "Did you order anything?"

"No." He walked to the door and was surprised to see Admiral Ciani standing there with what looked like beer and a pizza.

She was speaking as the door opened, "Okay, Chapel, so I miss you and I thought I need to eat and you need to eat and—Ambassador? I must have the wrong apartment." She backed up, looked at the number, then back at him. "I don't, actually."

"You are looking for Doctor Chapel?" He could hear Amanda coming up behind him, which was good because Ciani was looking at him the way he imagined anyone would when a married man was found in a single woman's apartment.

Ciani seemed to relax. "Oh, both of you are here."

He let Amanda step in front of him and say, "I don't believe we've met, dear."

"Lori Ciani."

He could tell she understood this was the woman Kirk had married. But he doubted Ciani could see that.

"Well, I'm Amanda, this one's wife. Him, you know, I'm sure. The famous ambassador." She was using the gentle, almost singsong tone that put so many at ease. "Christine was letting us use this place while she was gone. She's at the Visiting Officer's Quarters, I think. Starfleet's been keeping her too busy to go find a new place—I know how crazy it must get in the Admiral's office."

"Absolutely insane."

Sarek heard something in the way she said it—perhaps she was not so easily distracted by Amanda's chatter. She was looking at them both in a way that made him vaguely uncomfortable. "Did you need anything else, Admiral?"

"It's pretty clear that what I need is not here, Ambassador." She said it with a grin, but there was a note of possessiveness he found himself bristling over.

And immediately could tell she was aware he did not like her words.

"I'll let you two get back to whatever it is you were doing. I'd like to get to Christine before the beer's warm and the pizza's not."

He chose not to comment on the illogic of her words: both items were in temperature-controlled containers.

Her expression was as even as T'Pau's had ever been as she looked at him, then she turned to Amanda with a smile that reminded him of Kirk at his most charming. "Lovely to meet you."

She turned on her heel and walked away. He let the door slide closed.

"Well, perhaps our little Christine will soon be off the market, and I can quit worrying that she's unhappy. The Admiral seemed quite intent on letting you know that she was interested." Amanda snaked her arms around his neck. "She didn't seem as concerned about me being part of this. Aren't people interesting in what they assume?"

"Three is perhaps harder to imagine than two."

"Oh, I imagine the Admiral has no problem imagining anything. Perhaps she saw you with Christine in the cafeteria."

"I behaved properly."

"Of course you did. You'd never dishonor me. And I'd never dishonor you. But I think Christine carved out some real estate all her own in your heart."

"But not in yours?" He pulled her closer. "Do not answer that for I already know the truth. The bond is, after all, a two-way connection."

"I know it is." She put her hand gently over his and he could feel her love and regret pouring into him. "This wasn't me at my best, Sarek. I used her."

"We both did." He took a deep breath. "I believe we will not have that opportunity in the future. I imagine Admiral Ciani defends what is hers quite fiercely."

Amanda laughed softly. "I wouldn't want to cross her. Yikes." Then she pulled him down to her, her lips gentle on his, no desperate passion. Just the connection and warmth he was used to—and at one point feared he might lose forever. "Let's go home."

##

Chapel had just changed out of her uniform and was debating whether to go down to the mess or order something up, when the chime sounded. Lori stood in the hallway, out of uniform and holding a pack of beer in a cold carrier and a pizza in a stasis unit. "Hi. I come bearing food and hooch."

"Then you're most welcome." She grinned as she moved aside, letting Lori come in and then moving again to give her access to the small kitchenette in the miniscule quarters.

"Funny thing, Chapel. I went to the address listed on the registry first."

"Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I figured I'd get a new place and then update the records."

Lori opened the stasis unit and a heavenly smell filled the room. "Aren't you leaving out the fact that the Vulcan ambassador and his wife are for some reason in your old place?" She turned and studied her. "Funny that. Where's that fabled honesty?"

She was too tired to make up more of a story. "I told you about them. In limited detail, but I did tell you about them. My long-term houseguests."

"Ohhhh. Them? Huh." Lori frowned as if she was trying to figure something out while she opened a beer and handed it to her. "So they sublet the place to...?"

"Get some needed privacy as they worked some things out in their marriage. I worked crazy shifts when I was on Earth as you well know, and they enjoyed having that time away from official duties and everyone at them—or she did, being human. Once I was on the ship, it was just natural to keep it and let them use it. Now...I want a nicer place. Something with a view."

"Hmmm."

She decided to not give her anything back but her own, "Hmmm."

Lori stared her down, then finally shook her head, a smile starting. "So you've got lots of stuff to move out. I bet. Hope you don't plan on asking me to help you move because even with stasis movers, that's still a pain in the ass."

"It came furnished. I just put up some art and moved in. And I've moved all that out. My stuff's in storage till I find a place."

Again Lori stared her down, as if by her silence she could force her to talk—Chapel had waited out Sarek more than once; Lori was easy.

Finally she said, "That all makes sense. Until I get to the part where it's the Vulcan ambassador who's your good friend."

"Actually, it started with his wife."

Lori's look changed, as if she was putting too much together.

Chapel debated how much to say, decided to leave out as much as she could—she would protect their privacy the same way she was sure they'd protect hers. "I met them on the first mission. Sarek was ill so Amanda was in sickbay a lot. I was a nurse. Ergo..." She could see Lori was still not convinced. "I probably stood out to her because I was in love with her son."

"Ah." Lori opened a beer for herself and finally looked like that explained everything—which it sort of did.

She didn't think Amanda would have glommed onto her as a potential romantic partner if her son who'd just rejected all things human hadn't also rejected Chapel; it was probably Oedipal as fuck if she thought too much about it. So she just wouldn't think about it.

"Whatever he has, we should bottle it. Jesus. I've lived through that with Jim."

"Yeah. But I'm over him." That at least she could say without having to lie. She was over Spock. Finally. Getting over his parents—well, that might take a little longer. "I'm not sure Jim ever was."

"Primarily because he wasn't willing to admit he was even interested. Until it was too late. Well, they're together now."

Chapel conceded with a nod. She'd watched it all happen, after all, in sickbay and elsewhere on the ship before she'd fled. They'd been discreet, but if you knew what to look for...

"So if you're not in love with a Vulcan—or his wife. Don't give me that look, Chapel. You told me you were with a woman and you get damned cautious when you talk about her. Anyway, since you're not with her—or them."

"I never said..."

"I get it. It's complicated. So let's forget it. What isn't complicated is this: are you available now or not?" Lori was watching her with a hopeful—almost uncertain—smile that Chapel wasn't sure she'd seen before.

It charmed her. "Seems like."

"Amazingly, I am too."

"Interesting."

"I think so too." Lori held out her bottle. "Here's to...new beginnings."

"I'll drink to that." She tapped her bottle against Lori's gently, then turned to the pizza. "Mmm, Hawaiian. You remembered."

"I remember everything you like."

"If I didn't find you so much fun to be around, that would be very creepy."

"I know." Laughing, Lori let her dish up some pizza, then they carried it to the small couch. "This is from my favorite pizza place. Nothing but the best for you, Chrissy."

Chapel started to laugh. "Nobody calls me that and lives."

"Then if I did—in private, anyway—it would be our thing."

"There won't be any us if I kill you for calling me that."

"I survived Jim Kirk, kid. You'll be a piece of cake." Lori laughed. "And just for the record, wherever else we end up taking this relationship, I really, really like you. I miss working with you."

"I miss you too." She felt something tight inside herself finally ease —something she'd probably been holding onto since the lovers she'd thought might be everything to her abandoned her, since Will and her future disappeared. "Does this mean you're done with that admiral you were with before I left?"

"Finnegan?" Lori started to laugh. "I was just hanging out with him to tick Jim off because he hates him. Turns out, I should have trusted Jim's instincts. Finnegan's an ass. I really need to let go of my anger at my ex."

"Sometimes it feels good to hold onto that."

"You're right. But, I'm done with it. You know what else I'm done with?"

"Do tell." She took a bite of the pizza and moaned—it was soooo good.

"Term marriages. The next time, it's going to be a real one. But that means I need to take my time. Make sure the person and I are compatible in all the ways that matter, not just good in bed."

Chapel met her eyes; Lori's were very soft. "Nothing wrong with taking your time."

"No?"

"Nope. Nothing at all."

"I'm so glad you're back on Earth." Lori reached out, touching her face and Chapel leaned into her hand. "So, can I call you Chrissy?"

"Oh, fine."

Lori laughed. "You're putty in my hands."

"Mmm hmmmm." She concentrated on the pizza, not Lori, the same way she used to do with Roger when he thought he could mold her. She might be agreeable, but she wasn't a doormat.

She thought it might be very similar to how Amanda interacted with Sarek—quietly getting her way. It might have pissed her off before to think that. But sitting here, with this vibrant woman who liked her simply for herself, she found she could live with it.

##

Sarek heard the soft knock of T'Sanya at his office door. "Enter."

"Sir, there's a Starfleet doctor here to see you. She asked for your wife also. Shall I get her?"

"No need. I will take her in. Give me a moment."

A moment to send Amanda a text message that said, "Christine is here. We are on our way." Then he walked out and saw Christine studying a painting.

"I didn't notice this when I was here before," she murmured as he joined her. "It's beautiful."

"It is one of my favorites."

"Amanda's too?"

"No."

She made a sound he couldn't read.

"You wished to see us both?" At her nod, he indicated for her to come with him. They did not talk as he led her to the salon in their private chambers.

Amanda was sitting in a chair reading when he entered. She looked up as if surprised. "Christine?"

"Hi." She seemed uncertain.

"Please. Sit." He gestured toward another of the chairs.

It took her a moment, but she finally sat. "I said some cruel things the other day to you." She looked at him, her smile regretful. Then she turned to Amanda. "But I don't want to be cruel. So I came to tell you in person I've let the apartment go. You have a week to clear your stuff out. Hopefully that's enough?"

His wife did not feign surprise. "It is."

"Okay, good." She stood quickly.

"Darling, wait." Amanda stood slowly, moving carefully, and he was unsure what she had planned.

"Oh no. You can't possibly think... Darling? Seriously?"

"I called you that before anything happened. It's my way. And...I miss my friend. I miss you." She looked at Sarek. "And he misses you too."

He could feel regret flooding the bond, could feel her love for Christine, as well. He imagined she could feel the same things from him. It was illogical, since they were walking away from intimacy with Christine, but emotions often were.

"Too bad. I'm with someone now."

"Ciani," he said, feeling again the surge of territoriality. He felt it from his wife too.

"Yes. Lori. So, I'm not doing this again."

"And I'm not asking you to. If you're happy, then so am I."

"And I as well."

Amanda smiled gently. "Would you sit? Please?" She waited until Christine was settled again. "Can we try again? To be friends. Nothing more. And friends in the open, not just in your apartment. Part of our real life, not only in the refuge you gave us."

"Why?"

"Because she wants you in our life, Christine. Because I can feel how much she regrets the hurt she caused." He didn't think he was reaching her so he changed to more human terms. "Because she loves you."

"And so does he. We just...we could have expressed it differently than we did. We could have done so much better by you." She knelt in front of her. "You were nothing but kind to me. Nothing but giving. I want you back. My friend. The only friend I trusted with my pain."

Christine was silent for a very long time. Then, in a small voice, she said, "You hurt me so much."

"I know. And I'll spend a lifetime making that up to you. Proving that you can trust us as friends—as family. We will never hurt you again. We will always be there for you."

Christine looked at him, tears bright in her eyes.

He suddenly, desperately wanted her to understand how serious his wife was. "As she says, Christine. You are our family—in our lives, and our hearts, forever."

"Such a human way to put it." But she was touched; he could tell.

"As two of the three of us are human, it seemed appropriate."

She laughed, not the bitter laugh he did not care for. This was a sound of surrender. Of helpless amusement.

"Stay for dinner, darling. Let's catch up."

There was less hesitation this time. "One dinner. That's all I'm agreeing to. We'll see how it goes after that."

He could feel his wife's joy through the bond; he only wished he could let Christine feel it too.

A meld might—but no. Too intimate. He must not force this, must not try to control this.

She was letting them back in. They must allow her to dictate the pace.

##

Christine lay back, enjoying the way the light came in through the blinds bathing the bedroom in golden strips. She loved her new apartment.

And she loved the woman lazing next to her. Some of the dappled light played over her skin, over her hips and thighs. She reached out and touched down lightly, in the way she loved—in a way Lori loved too.

"Chapel, keep doing that and I may never let you out of this bed."

They'd waited. Longer than she thought either of them usually did. They'd waited until they were sure there was enough that was compatible between them.

And the sex had been amazing. She was very glad that she'd had her time with Amanda, to play and explore and be ready for this. She could look back on it without so much pain, with even some gratitude.

Then again that was made easier by the fact that Amanda and Sarek were working so hard at being just friends. They had her over frequently to the embassy, brought back the most amazing presents from missions offworld. She reached for the candied flowers from the last mission they'd been on and let it melt in her mouth.

"Those are from Bendara." Lori reached over and snagged one.

"Yep."

"Sarek was just there."

"They both were." She tried to keep her tone light. "I told you. We're friends."

"Right." Lori's voice was tight. "You ever going to trust me with what really happened?"

Chapel studied her. She looked hurt. Not acting at it, but really feeling it. "Lori, you mean the world to me."

"But..." She rolled her eyes.

"There's no but. You do—you really, really do—mean the world to me. You've been in my corner since you met me. So yeah, if you want to know, I'll tell you. I've protected them. But this is my story too. And if protecting them is going to make you question whether you can trust me, then I don't want to protect them anymore."

Lori's smile was luminous, but then she turned more serious. "Why do you need to protect them?"

Chapel smiled, amazed that after everything that had happened she could say this and really mean it, "Because they're family." She was about to say more but Lori held up her hand.

"All I need to know is if it's over. They're pretty good to you. I don't know if you realize how much these yummy flowers cost."

"It's over. But they're friends. They're going to be in my life." Again, words she never thought she'd say. But it felt so good to say them. It felt good to not be hurt and angry at them—especially at Amanda.

"Okay." She took another of the flowers. "It means everything that you'd tell me. But you don't need to. Protect them. That's what you do. I know you'll protect me the same way."

"I will. I always will."

Lori pulled her down, her kisses tasting of the flowers, and the wine they'd been drinking, and everything she'd ever wanted.

"I love you, Lori."

"I love you too, Chrissy."

She laughed at the name. "Aaarrghh."

Lori pushed her over to her back and crawled on top. "Like you mind. You adore having something that's just ours."

"You're not wrong." She moaned as Lori kissed her way down her body.

Then Lori stopped. "If they're family. I want to meet them."

"For real?"

"Yes. Because you're my family, so then they are too. I want to see them through your eyes."

"Okay. Sarek's offworld again, but we can start with Amanda. Drinks maybe?"

"Drinks it is." She went back to what she was doing.

What she was doing so, so, so very well.

##

Amanda watched as Spock and Jim sat by the fountain. Jim was laughing and Spock's expression was so light, so...happy.

Not human. Never that. And she was fine with him being true to himself. He'd found a balance finally. He could be Vulcan and love.

Jim saw her and waved her toward them. "I'm monopolizing him and I shouldn't."

She sat and put her arm around his waist. "Oh, sweetheart, it's fine."

He leaned against her. "No, it's not. I'm going to go unpack. You can have your son all to yourself." He rose and touched Spock's cheek gently before leaving them alone.

She moved closer to her boy and he surprised her by reaching for her hand, holding it the way Sarek often did, hidden by his robe. "Are you happy, Spock?"

"I am."

Two such wonderful words. "I'm so glad."

"I hurt you. I regret that deeply."

"You hurt your father too. Never think he doesn't care about you." The fact that Sarek had gone along with everything that had happened was proof of that. He'd lost his child—the child he'd never worried about abandoning him the way he'd forced Sybok to. And then he'd been in danger of losing her.

So he'd followed her to Christine's and into the mess she caused.

A mess he was now helping her clean up and transform into what it should have been all along. "We're having lunch guests tomorrow."

"Then Jim and I will occupy ourselves. Do not concern yourself."

"You misunderstand me. We, all four of us, are having them." She took a deep, steadying breath. "While you were gone, I...I did not handle things well. I needed time away from this place. Your father was kind, indulgent even, and allowed me the freedom to, well, grieve for you in my own way."

"I regret that you needed to grieve."

"I don't. Because I got to know someone very well. Christine took me in."

"Christine...Chapel?"

"Yes."

He looked utterly confused. "You stayed with her?"

"Yes. She's my friend." Marvelous and strange as that was, she was her friend again.

"And you have invited her to lunch?"

"I have. I know she left the ship quickly when Jim was given permanent command. I imagine there may be awkwardness between them. Or for you." She began to laugh. "Actually more for him. Because I've invited the woman she's seeing."

He only looked more confused.

"She's involved with Lori—Admiral Ciani." Someone she found delightful, someone who made Christine very happy.

Someone she thought would never hurt her.

"Do you know she is Jim's ex-wife?"

"Of course I do. But...it was a term marriage, wasn't it? He's happy with you now. She's happy with Christine. We'll be one big happy family."

He seemed unsure what to say.

"All right we'll be one big, slightly dysfunctional, happy family. But Spock, she's family to us now. And I want her to be part of all of our lives. Not just when you and Jim are on the ship. I feel very strongly about Christine."

"She has always been a woman of fine character."

"Yes." And many other amazing attributes. But he didn't need to know that.

He seemed to consider, then nodded slowly. "As I was gone, I can see how she might have made an appealing foster daughter."

"Exactly." Her sweet innocent boy. He'd never realize what his parents had been up to. She knew Christine wouldn't give it away.

Except perhaps to Lori, who'd exchanged a look with Amanda that made her think she knew some of what had happened.

And didn't care. Unless Amanda tried to reach for too much. Then she'd very much care.

Amanda had been irritated at first that Christine might have told her lover about what had happened. But Christine wouldn't have done that lightly. She'd been so careful during and after their relationship. If she trusted Lori with this, Amanda would have to as well.

And Lori looked like a woman who could keep a secret.

"I am not sure—" Spock sighed. "Jim may not be comfortable with this."

"Which is why I'm telling you first. So you can prep him before tomorrow. I trust you have ways to get what you want?"

He still looked uncertain.

"Spock, this means the world to me." She glared just a little at him. The face of the mother he'd abandoned. The face of the woman who'd thought she'd lost the best part of herself with him gone.

And he surrendered, just as he used to when he was a child. Because he loved her. Because he was her son—half human, after all. "Then it will mean the world to me as well, Mother."

She stroked his cheek, so very grateful that he would allow it, that he was not still at Gol, not lost to her. "That's my good boy."

FIN

Author's Notes

(Just some things you might want to know if you actually got through this beast):

1. I don't watch Discovery. So there is no Michael in this and anything discovered in that show about Sarek and Amanda's relationship is not included here.

2. I know there's a deleted scene from the first reboot movie where Spock broaches the subject that he might go to Gol and Amanda is totally chill. I don't buy it. Also, since it was never aired, it's not canon. But mostly, I don't buy it.

3. The issue of Lori Ciani. Did she exist? And if so, didn't she die in the transporter accident in ST:TMP? Well, no. A woman did die but Lori is not canon. The woman who died with Sonak is never identified in dialogue or in the credits. Lori Ciani's existence, term marriage to Kirk, and death on the transporter was presented in the novelization of the movie. Which, yes, was written by Roddenberry. But still is not technically canon—so I take what I like of it and ignore the rest. For the Strange New Worlds contest, run by Simon & Schuster and Viacom (aka the owners of the franchise), only what was filmed in live-action movies or television was considered canon. Not the animated series, and not the books (pro fic, which often contradict each other if laid out together, or novelizations). (Which yes, means I'm ignoring canon by not watching/including Discovery. But I'm up front about it LOL)

4. When I started this, all I wanted to do was try a Sarek/Amanda/Chapel threesome. A happy little story exploring this near-sacred couple, who I've never really done this way (with Amanda having POV and/or not dying/dead) and their iconic love, and giving them a willing plaything (who was supposed to be the same badass Chapel I usually do but ended up a bit different here, a bit softer). You know, a fun story with a happy ending.

Yeah, my muse was laughing at me—you know her too well. So I got this. Lori Ciani however feels that I more than made up for the way I've treated her over the years—she was not supposed to be in this much at all and ran away with her parts. Kirk is pissed and wants a Kirk/Chapel fic where he's not such a dick (Read "Here I Come to Save the Day" to see how I did on that front). Sarek and Amanda seem fine with it. Chapel doesn't care what I have her do as long as she gets to be a headliner. And Spock sneakily got "Captive Audience" in while I was arguing with the muse over why couldn't this just be a fun outing, so he's fine with how things turned out. Also he got the guy and didn't have to do much LOL.

Again, thank you for reading.