DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2019 by Djinn. This story is Rated R.

The Problem of Being Human

By Djinn

Chapter 2: A New Normal

Chapel walked into the officer's club and saw that it was packed. She almost turned around—beat after a long shift—but then saw someone waving her over. She laughed when she recognized the short glossy hair and imperious motioning and walked over with a smile.

"Need a place to park it?" Lori beckoned to the seat next to her. "I had a feeling you'd show up tonight. Great minds think alike."

"From how crowded it is, I'd say all minds think alike." She sat down happily. "Thank you."

"I wouldn't do this for just anyone. Also, this works out great, actually." She gestured toward the two empty chairs at the table—chairs no one was stealing once they saw it was an admiral who'd taken the table—but if there was a message in the gesture, Chapel was too tired to get it. A server appeared and Lori said, "Order something good. I'm buying."

"I'm too beat to know the difference. Just bring me whatever she's having." Once the server was gone, she glanced at Lori's glass. "That's whisky, right?"

"It is."

"Good." She scrunched down and closed her eyes. "Fuck, I'm tired."

"You do look like something a shuttle ran over."

"Gee, thanks. I pulled a double shift." Why was she still here? Except she wasn't ready to go back to the apartment just yet.

"There's this place for when we're exhausted. Goes by the name of 'Home.' Maybe you've heard of it?"

She opened one eye. "Have an extended houseguest. Needed some me time before I went home. Plus she and her husband are working some shit out so..."

"So, you're here and they have free run of your place. You're a good friend."

"Or monumentally stupid." She waited until the server had put her glass down and then said, "But I love her—and him. I want them to work it out. Just some days I miss having my place be my place."

"I hear you." Lori waved someone else over. "I have a captain you need to meet. Sit up and try to pretend you're awake."

Chapel groaned as she sat up. Then she saw who it was and grinned. "Why, hello, Will."

Decker grinned. "Christine. How are you?"

"I didn't know you two knew each other."

"Well, it's been years," Will said, giving her a quick hug before he sat down. He pointed to her medical insignia. "Doctor, huh?"

"Isn't that interesting?" Lori asked with a tone Chapel couldn't quite decipher. "And a former nurse on Jim's ship—she knows sickbay backwards and forwards, I bet."

"Ahhhh." He grinned. "Interesting."

"I think so too."

Chapel looked from one to the other. "I'd love to serve on the Enterprise again, if that's what you're getting at. If it's not, forget I said anything." She yawned as she reached for her drink.

"She's not at her best. Pulled a double." Lori patted her gently on the arm. "Very dedicated this one."

"Maybe I'm just too dumb to say no." Chapel started to laugh as she looked from one to the other. "Didn't think of that, huh?"

"Nope. But here's someone who can shed some light on your character for us."

Chapel saw Kirk coming toward them. He looked surprised to see her. She couldn't blame him. She didn't travel in his circles normally, and he never seemed to be with Lori in the officer's club or cafeteria. She'd had drinks and meals with her quite a few times since their first meeting in the cafeteria.

"Hello, darling." He gave Lori a perfunctory kiss and the endearment came off a little sarcastic, but his smile was warm as he greeted Will and her. He sat down and groaned. "Nogura never met a meeting he didn't love." He glared at Lori. "How the hell did you get out of it?"

"Scheduled something that looked more important than what he wanted to meet on."

"She's the smart one." He seemed about to say more, then stopped as the server came up, drink in hand. "Ah, Anita, you know what I like."

"I do, sir."

"I keep telling you it's Jim."

The server laughed and blushed.

Lori began jiggling her leg, her lips tight, and Chapel wanted to reach out and stop it—she looked like she might explode. But then Will said, "So, Jim, you worked with Christine here. Should I get her on my ship?"

She could see her former captain bristle at the easy way Will said, "My ship." But it was his ship now.

"Why the hell not? Everyone else is there."

"Not everyone," she murmured.

"What was that?" His eyes had gone hard.

"She said 'Not everyone.' You might need to get your ears checked, my love." Lori smiled tightly and the endearment sounded more like a taunt. "I'm sure she was referring to the holy trinity."

Chapel almost laughed at the idea of Kirk and Spock and Len being that. But Kirk looked even more ticked off at the oblique mention of Spock, so she tried to keep any expression off her face.

"Not a very lasting trinity, though..." Lori leaned back, her leg no longer jiggling, her upper lip going up on one side. The signal of disdain—Chapel had decided to follow Lori's advice to learn about signs of deception. Seemed like a useful thing to add to her diagnosing skills, and the virtual classes were fascinating.

"But a damned effective one," Will said into the silence that was growing progressively hostile. "Legendary, even."

Kirk nodded tightly, and she wondered if he ever saw Len anymore. He looked some weird mix of forlorn and angry, so she thought maybe not.

And she really didn't care. A wave of exhaustion roared through her so she threw back her drink and stood. "Thank you for the drink, Lori. I need to get home or I'm going to fall asleep right here. Gentlemen, it's been a pleasure."

They made appropriate noises about being sorry to see her go as she escaped.

Before she got to the door, a hand on her arm stopped her. Lori laughed, a quick and bitter sound. "Sorry about his mood tonight—and mine. He and I really don't bring the best out in each other. I wanted to tell you I'm travelling for a couple of weeks—didn't want you to think I'd ditched you."

Chapel smiled. "Thank you."

"Let's get together just us next time. I'll comm you."

"Sure, that sounds great." She tried to muster up energy but failed.

"You and Decker—that was a warm hug. Are you interested in him?"

"Will? No. He's way too emotionally available." Shit, did she have no filters? "I mean—"

"I think you said exactly what you mean." Lori laughed. "But that's good. Then if you were assigned to his ship, there'd be no inconvenient entanglements?"

"God, no. I'm a nun these days."

"That's terrible." Lori pulled her in for a quick hug. "Go. Sleep."

"I will." She managed to get to the door and out without anyone else stopping her. The walk to her apartment seemed extra long and when she palmed open her door, she saw Sarek and Amanda cuddled on the sofa. She walked to them, saw the throw had slipped off, and tucked it back over them.

Amanda opened her eyes, blinking but then smiling. "Oh, sweetie, you're home." She eased away from Sarek, then tucked the throw more soundly around him. "He gets so cold when he's tired."

Chapel followed her to the kitchen and drank some water with an antitox chaser. "Did he have a successful mission?"

"No. And I wasn't there to take the stress off." She laughed at Chapel's expression. "Not just in that way." She gazed back at the couch. "We talked all night. It was like when we first met. We're really connecting, you know? Without the bond doing the work."

"I always romanticized the bond."

"So did I. Especially when it was T'Mela who had it with him. But it can turn into a not so great substitute for really communicating."

"I'm happy you two are connecting so well." And she was. The story she'd told Lori was true.

But it wasn't the same one Amanda and Sarek were telling his people. The official story was that Amanda was staying with a friend who needed some extra help during a difficult time, and he was away from the embassy many nights in order to support her.

It was sufficiently vague that it could cover just about anything, and given how much shopping Amanda did for her and cooking, it certainly applied in some sense.

Plus she was great company. As was her drop-in husband.

And she still found her way to official functions so she wasn't missing when it counted. A Vulcan veil could hide a world of turquoise sin—although Amanda had talked about trying purple now that the turquoise had faded somewhat. She hadn't repeated the manicure—too hard to hide that and she said it wasn't her norm to wear polish.

She realized Amanda was wearing one of her more elaborate veils and said, "Another function?"

"He needs me at a dinner." She glanced back at him. "He's working too hard. And all the talking we did. I tuckered him out. We were cuddling—we didn't mean to fall asleep. It's almost time to go.

"Lucky I came back when I did, then. You missed a couple strands. Let me."

Amanda moved close and Chapel gently tucked in the hair.

"You have such a gentle touch."

"All that nursing."

"I think it's more than your training. It's you." She leaned into Chapel's hand. "I don't know if I've really said how much I appreciate you letting us invade your life this way."

"You have." She finished tucking in the hair and realized Sarek was awake and watching them. The look on his face was so tender it made her smile. "Hey, sleepyhead. Nice nap?"

He nodded but as he turned his head back, he grimaced slightly and reached for his neck. "While I enjoy spending time with my wife, this couch is perhaps not the best place for sleeping."

"It is if you lie down on it." She grabbed the scanner and checked him out just to make sure he hadn't sustained an injury on the mission he hadn't wanted to bother Amanda with, but he looked clear. "I can help you. Tilt your head down a little." When he did, she found the spots on the back of the skull, just on and under the occipital bone, and pushed in gently with her thumb joints, rotating slowly. "When I hit the right spot, it should be tender."

"There," he said in the tone of everyone she'd ever done this to—the relief was near instantaneous. "Thank you."

Her grandmother had first taught her the remedy one night after a slumber party when she'd slept in a crazy position and awakened with a neck that hurt to move. "You can do this to yourself too. It works better sometimes because you can find the spot that reacts faster than I can. It's especially useful if you fall asleep in one of those uncomfortable shuttle seats."

"Most kind."

She realized she was still touching him and backed away. "Okay, then."

Amanda was fussing over a stasis container in the kitchen. "Come taste what I made you. I found a new meatloaf recipe."

"Yay?" She was getting sick of meatloaf. Amanda knew it too but was having so much fun making non-vegetarian dishes that Chapel couldn't bring herself to complain all that much. And she was an amazing cook—each of the recipes had been quite different. Still, would a salad be the end of the world?

Sarek stood and said, "Perhaps Christine would prefer the fare at the embassy."

"Well you can take her instead of me to dinner with the Tremarchian ambassador and see how well that goes over. He has the biggest crush on me." She winked at Chapel. "Besides, she's about to drop."

He turned to study her. "Yes, I felt it when you were touching me. Are we interfering with your ability to obtain sufficient rest?"

"No. My occupation is interfering with that." She tasted the meatloaf and nodded approval. "I'm too tired to eat—but I'll take some tomorrow for lunch."

"You need to eat."

"My wife..."

Amanda pouted prettily.

Chapel just laughed. "Okay, I'm going to sleep. Have fun, you two." She made quick work of getting her makeup off and crawled into bed, leaving the door open a crack so she could fall asleep to the sound of their quiet conversation. She was out before they left for their function.

##

Sarek eased himself off Amanda, fighting the urge to smile as she playfully nipped at him. "My wife, you forget yourself."

"And you love it." She rolled to her side with a sigh that sounded both exhausted and happy. "I'm thirsty."

"I will get you some water."

"Thank you." She grinned in a carefree way that made his whole being feel lighter. She was his again. His and not angry any longer. Enjoying her respite from things Vulcan it was true, but she had not abandoned him. He admired how she had risen to any occasion he truly needed her at, no one the wiser at the double life she was leading.

Well, perhaps double was an exaggeration since she was not flaunting her times dressing and behaving as a human. And it was not as if she had only worn Vulcan dress for all these years. During personal time and holidays, she would often return to human garb.

Although she had never changed her hairstyle so drastically. He leaned in to kiss her, playing with the now purple streaks. He preferred this to the turquoise, thought it went well with the mixed gray and dark brown that was her natural color.

"Water, darling."

"Yes, my wife." She even let him call her that without irritation.

He slipped a robe on because he thought he had heard Christine come home while he and Amanda were making love. Fortunately the rooms were well soundproofed.

Christine was indeed home and sitting at the counter with a glass, not drinking, simply swirling the ice around the amber liquid.

He was afraid he would startle her if he said anything so he coughed gently.

She still reacted, jerking a little then turning to look at him. "Oh. Hi."

"Are you all right?"

She put the drink down and shook her head.

"Do you wish to talk about it?"

"Aren't you busy? Both of you?"

He imagined an unsaid "in my apartment." He knew Amanda was compensating her for the room but still, this had no doubt been a solitary haven for her before that.

"If you are hurting, I have time." He was unsure if she would open up; he sensed she kept much to herself.

But finally she whispered, "I lost a patient."

He could not read the emotion in her voice and was reaching out to touch her hand before he could think better of it.

She jerked away from him, glaring. "Reading me without my permission is fucking rude."

"I beg pardon. I..." He what? Was he going to touch her as if she was his, a part of his intimate family?

She looked instantly contrite. "Sarek, no. I'm sorry. Jesus, I waited years for Spock to want to touch me and now I get mad at you for doing it out of kindness." She reached out. "Do your worst."

"No. It was a breach."

"Well, I forgive it."

He studied her. "Was the loss your fault?"

"No. He was badly injured. We did everything we could. And I've seen death before. Just...not on my watch. I was in charge tonight."

"Are you revisiting your actions? Replaying?"

She nodded. "Trying to find a scenario where he doesn't die. And not finding it." She closed her eyes. "But maybe I don't want to find it?"

"I do not believe that. You are conscientious. And most intelligent. I am certain you did all you could."

She suddenly leaned in, placing her hand against his cheek, and he read a whirling combination of grief and exhaustion but also a certain serenity. She felt guilt, but an appropriate amount—what anyone called to heal would feel when a life was lost.

He leaned into her hand and knew his expression was perhaps too soft. "I was ordered to get my wife water."

"Then you better get on that."

He nodded and eased away. "You should sleep. You are exhausted."

"Steady state these days."

"Yes. It does seem to be." He slid off the stool and pulled a water container from the chiller.

"Sarek?" she said, as he moved past her to the bedroom.

He stopped, glancing back.

"I'm really happy things are working out for you two." She turned back to her glass.

"Thank you." He felt something—an emotion he couldn't identify. Then realized it was pity.

She looked so alone. So still, as she returned to swirling the ice in her drink, no doubt running more of her scenarios.

He finally turned and went back in to Amanda.

She was asleep, her arm thrown over her head. He debated returning to Christine, but finally put the water container down on the nightstand and joined his wife in bed.

Sleep did not come quickly.

##

Chapel muddled lime and sugar together as Amanda changed the music to something Brazilian, catchy and soothing all at once. "I used to drink caipirinhas in Rio. Once upon a time when I had a life."

"I hated Rio. But I was with Sarek and seeing it through his eyes. Also it was Carnival. Too much pressing of flesh for a touch telepath to stand, and that came through the bond and made me so uncomfortable." She flopped into a chair and played with her hair. "Speaking of uncomfortable—can I ask you something personal?"

"Oh you mean you haven't been doing that this whole time?" She laughed as she added the cachaça and mixed it with ice, then carried the glasses carefully to the living room. "Filled them too full."

"As if that's ever a bad thing." Amanda took a sip and made happy "this is yummy" sounds.

Chapel curled up on the couch and tasted—yep, just like she remembered them. "So what did you want to ask?"

"You're a wonderful, giving person. You're so attractive. Why aren't you with someone? Have you been waiting for my son all this time?"

Chapel laughed. "You're not the first one to ask me that." Jan and Ny had both tried to set her up with "the nicest" guys. "On the ship, yes. I was hoping he'd... But he never did. Once I got back to Earth, though? No. But I've killed myself getting this degree as fast as humanly possible. And now I'm trying to impress Starfleet Medical, not some potential lover. I'm ambitious, I guess. I want a really good posting. To know the hard work was worth it."

"That makes sense." She frowned a little. "Can I get nosier?"

Chapel laughed and nodded.

"I see the argument for no long-term person. But are you—I mean it doesn't seem like you have any friends you have sex with. It's so...nice. Even without the love, orgasms are very therapeutic."

"Thank you, Doctor Sex." She rolled her eyes. "I had a friend like that early on in med school, but he moved to Luna for his residency. Since then, it's just too much work. And I'm tired all the time. Don't really feel that attractive, I guess." She smiled in what she hoped was a game way. "Maybe I need some highlights?"

"I think you just need some time to take a breath. I see how hard you work. How stressed you are."

She nodded. "How about I live vicariously through you and Sarek? I know you're having fun in your room even if I can't hear it." She looked away, not wanting her to see how much she missed it. Having someone that way. Someone you loved, who you trusted to take care of you, who you wanted to take care of in return.

"We are. It's...wonderful. Can I say that without seeming like I'm rubbing your nose in it? Because I don't want it to seem that way. But I wasn't sure, after Spock left, if I could get over the anger. The feeling of restriction. It's been so crucial to be here—I hope you know how much we appreciate you letting us enjoy the freedom your place offers. It's been months."

"I do. And it's not like I'm here that often. And when I am, I enjoy you—and him." She took another sip of her drink, relishing the combination of sour and sweet and the "I'll have you on the floor before you even know you're drunk" subtlety of the cachaça. "I'm just a little antsy right now. People are getting their assignments. I still haven't heard."

"I know you'll get a fabulous one. It would be criminal if you didn't."

"I hope you're right." She rubbed her shoulder, trying to knead out the knot that had formed during her last shift.

"Come here." Amanda pointed down to the floor in front of her, so she picked up her drink and took it with her, sitting cross legged with her back to Amanda's knees.

Amanda pulled her so she was leaning against her and said, "Just relax," and then she began to knead, her hands strong and comforting. "I used to do this for Spock when he was little. He'd come home from school just a bundle of tension."

"Are you sure you're not the touch telepath. Holy crap that feels good." She gave herself over, trying to ignore that it also felt good to be touched on a whole other level than the therapeutic relief she was getting.

Amanda was right: she probably did need to get laid, even if that wasn't exactly how she'd put it.

##

Amanda was curled up with a padd and old standards playing on the sound system when Christine came in, her face flushed and a wide smile on her face. "Hello, love. Looks like someone had a good time with her friends."

"Someone really did. Someone didn't want to lose this beautiful buzz before she told you that she may have found out her next assignment." Christine laughed and beckoned her toward her with her finger. "But it's a secret."

Amanda grinned and got up, letting Christine pull her close. "So?"

"CMO." She gave a little whoop of pleasure and pulled her closer as she whispered. "On the motherfucking Enterprise."

"Noooooo. Really?"

Christine laughed and nodded.

"Oh, sweetie. I'm so happy for you." She put her hands on Christine's cheeks and, before she'd really thought about it, pulled her down and kissed her. On the mouth. With a great deal of gusto.

She froze and could tell Christine was frozen too. But then a song came on and Christine sighed and said, "This was Roger's favorite," and she pulled her into a dance.

It had been so long since she'd danced. Sarek occasionally tried when he was feeling very generous but it was nothing like dancing with someone who enjoyed it. Or who had some basic skill.

Christine was a very good dancer and they relaxed into each other, moving slowly around the room.

Christine sighed, and it was a satisfied sound, not the harried sigh she so often came home with. "The best part is I'll be serving with old friends—it'll be like going home. Ny is practically designing the new comm layout. And Jan got selected for the transporter crew. The captain is the nicest man. Scotty and Sulu and Chekov will be there."

Amanda nestled closer and said, "Decker's the new captain, right? Wasn't there a commodore named that?"

"His dad. He died on the ship. It was so sad. I met Will at his dad's funeral, actually. Probably how I got the job—being nice to a young officer who remembered me later when it mattered."

"Life is like that sometimes. Don't fight it."

"Believe me, I'm not. It also could have been my new friend Lori."

"Kirk's wife?"

"That's the one." The song changed but Christine didn't let her go. "So, do we want to talk about that kiss?"

"I don't know. Do we?" She pulled away enough to study Christine's expression. Then she pushed the hair that had slipped out of Christine's bun off her cheek—she had such soft skin. "I really am happy for you. You and your friends will be the next generation of leaders. No Kirk and his cronies." It hurt to say it that way since Spock had been part of that, but that's all her son really was now. One of Kirk's former officers. A Vulcan who would always be her flesh and blood, but never again her child in spirit.

"Now you're sad." Christine tipped her face up and kissed her gently, her lips very soft. "Don't be sad. I love seeing you happy. You and Sarek both." She eased away. "And I'm going to get some antitox before one of us tries to seduce the other."

"Would that be such a bad thing?" She grinned as she asked it, so Christine could let it lie if she wanted to as she shook an antitox out of the bottle.

Her buzz was visibly fading as she closed her eyes and nodded. "Yes, it would be a bad thing because you're married to a man I've come to adore just as much as I do you. I wouldn't get in the way of that for the world." She turned away, and Amanda felt a pang of...she wasn't sure what. Maybe just regret that this wonderful woman didn't have someone special in her life.

And definitely annoyance that the someone special could have been her idiot son. "If you're going to be sober, can I start drinking?"

Christine poured her a glass. "Go nuts. I'm going to bed. Tomorrow's going to be a bitch and then I'm off for a week of 'How to be a CMO when you thought you were just going to be a doctor' training at the Starfleet Medical facility in San Diego."

A week alone. And Sarek due home tomorrow from Vulcan. What would they do with all that freedom?

"I'm so proud of you, darling. You'll be a marvelous CMO, I just know it."

"From your lips to God's ears."

##

Sarek stood at the entrance to the Kolinahr temple, gazing out at the forbidding—even for Vulcan—landscape. T'Pau had arranged for him to meet with Spock. It was highly irregular. He knew she thought it an emotional request, but since she too was opposed to Spock's course of action she had, for once, refrained from berating him for his choices.

"Father." Spock's voice had already taken on the gravelly aspect so common in those who studied the discipline.

Sarek turned slowly. "My son."

Spock gazed levelly back, but underneath Sarek sensed confusion. "It is highly irregular for you to be here."

"Indeed. Do you prosper here, Spock?" It was a question rooted in ritual and he saw Spock stiffen.

"I do. I require no intervention."

"This is not an intervention. Merely a reminder that you can leave at any time. If you should...find your destiny does not lie down this path."

"Why would it not?"

Sarek took a deep, steadying breath. "I merely wanted to see for myself that you have found what you were seeking. Since what you were seeking, prior to this, was James T. Kirk, I'm sure you can understand my concern at the dichotomy of this and a possible life with him as your mate. Particularly since I do not believe his marriage is a happy one." He was trying to goad Spock, to shock him into emotion with the one thing that might still reach him. A thing he had gleaned from what Christine had said after dinner with her friend, Kirk's wife. That Kirk might soon be free.

The gambit failed. Spock nodded, as if he were the sage elder and Sarek the child. "Admiral Kirk's situation is one of his own making and not my concern. I have made peace with my past desires. It appears you still have peace to make with whatever you are...feeling about our relationship."

"Such as it is."

"Indeed." Again, Spock did not rise to the bait. "Was there something else?"

"If I told you your mother was not all right, would you care?"

"Is she not all right?"

"It was a hypothetical question."

"About an actual person." Spock finally showed a break, a miniscule frown. "I do not see the purpose for this conversation, Father. Other than once again you do not agree with my choices. But I have learned to move on from concern over whether you do or do not approve of me. It is...irrelevant."

"Then that is all there is to say, Spock. Peace and long life." He turned on his heel, not willing to show his son that he was hurt—all these years with enmity between them and he had never felt this way. Perhaps because he had known that even if it was a negative feeling, there was at least the connection of mistrust between them.

Now Spock was a stranger. A stranger who caused him pain.

He meditated on this during the trip back to Earth. For most of it, until he could put it away, in some part of himself that would never pass to Amanda. He did not want her to ever experience their son the way he just had.

But he was surprised to see her waiting for him at the spacedock, in full Vulcan attire, her colorful streaks hidden from view, her makeup subdued. He hurried to her. "My wife."

"Are you all right?" she asked so quietly only another Vulcan could have heard it. "You felt so sad for a while. I had to come."

"And in clothing you currently dislike." He got her moving toward the VIP transporter, in no mood to wait at the closer general one with the long line.

"I would never, ever embarrass you on purpose, my love."

He felt a surge of warmth at her words. The sentiment and the endearment. "I have missed you."

"And I you."

They held their conversation as they entered the VIP room and beamed to the transporter station near Christine's apartment.

"Come up. Christine's gone all week at a training class. We'll have the place to ourselves. To reconnect after your time away-like the old days." Her eyes gleamed in a way that reminded him of when they first met, before she had toned down so much that was vibrant about her to better integrate into Vulcan society.

And they did reconnect once they got to the apartment, and like the other times he was with her in this small, sparsely furnished bedroom, he felt freer than he currently did at the embassy. Burying his head in her throat, he inhaled the fragrance of his woman—that at least, even with her not residing with him, had not changed.

She ran her hand down his body, skin to skin, and he closed his eyes and wished he could give her back their son. "You're still not at peace, Sarek."

"Divert me, then. Tell me something amusing you and Christine have done."

She started to laugh softly. "I kissed her."

He let an eyebrow rise slowly. "Indeed?"

"She got news of her next position and we were celebrating—I was excited. Forgot myself. But..."

He pulled away so he could study her. He felt no guilt from her. No regret. And she rarely forgot herself. Even now. "Do you want to be with her?"

"If you're asking me if I want to have a relationship with her outside of our marriage, then no, I don't."

"That was very precisely worded."

"I know. I've been thinking about it. Do you find her attractive?"

"I do." He felt secure answering. Amanda often asked him if he found this or that female appealing. It was usually asked just out of curiosity, though.

"So do I. Do you think..."

He realized where she was going with this and said, "I should tell you I saw Spock." He held up a hand before she could speak. "I am not changing the subject. This is relevant to your question. I believe I did not think he would go through with it—that he would reach for a graceful exit from Gol if it was offered once he had spent enough time there—experienced the deprivation. But he does not wish to leave. Not even when I intimated that Kirk's marriage might be a short one. He is indeed lost to us—to me." He took her hand and brought it to his lips.

She stroked his hair, her eyes full of pain, but one they shared now, not hers alone.

"I can never make things better between our son and myself. So now I truly feel what you have been feeling. Alone. Adrift. Except we are neither of those things. We have each other. This place, and the woman who resides in it, have been instrumental to us re-forging our connection. What we feel for her could be akin to the feelings a patient might have for a physician who heals them or for a spiritual leader who gives them peace. This may simply be transference. Gratitude masquerading as desire."

She sighed and nestled closer. "I think both of us are fully capable of knowing how we feel. So, is this your convoluted way of saying you aren't interested in her?"

"I believe it is my way of saying I am." He took a centering breath and let it out. "But the complications. The...optics." T'Pau would have more to criticize him for.

Amanda pushed him to his back and crawled over him. "But she's shipping out as CMO on the Enterprise as soon as it's out of refits—that's what we were celebrating. She's already mentioned we might want to keep the apartment for quiet getaways."

"That would be pleasant. I enjoy it here. I enjoy us here."

"I do too. But she's leaving. For five years with only occasional returns here to Earth. How much trouble would we really get in?" She stroked his hair, and he closed his eyes and gave himself over to her. "We don't need to decide anything now. I don't know that she even wants that from me or you or us. For all I know, she considers us her wacky surrogate parents."

"Perhaps."

"It's too bad we don't have a telepath around who could confirm how deep her feelings go with a little glancing touch..." She laughed as he shook his head. "What? Like you weren't thinking of that too?"

He had not been.

But now he was.

Chapter 3: Before You Go

Chapel sat with Will in the cafeteria, going over the few remaining positions left that reported to medical and still needed to be filled.

"This is amazing, isn't it?" He leaned back, grinning in the open way he had, a grin that wanted nothing more than this charming collegiality.

She was loving working with him, getting to know him better over the last few months. "It is."

His communicator beeped, and he checked it then sighed. "Another impromptu meeting. This is the part that's not so fun. My time used to be more my own."

"Your time will be yours again once we're safely on the ship. In fact, your time will be our time. If you're some kind of asshole captain."

He laughed. "Yes, I think I'll be that. Do you think I'll be any good at being an asshole?"

"Honestly, no." She handed him back the padds they'd been working on. "Go. Get smarter or whatever happens at your meetings. I'm going to go home and enjoy working normal hours for the first time in forever."

She watched him leave then turned back and saw that Kirk was watching her from across the room. She smiled in an uncertain way and he walked over. She was about to say hello when he said with a smirk she wasn't used to, "You two looked cozy."

"Excuse me?"

He sat down, leaned in, and said very softly, "CMO on my ship. Assigned there as a doctor, sure, but the doctor? I couldn't see it even if Lori thought it was perfect. Until I saw you two together. Then...of course. It all makes sense." He smirked again, reminding her almost nothing of the man she'd enjoyed serving under.

"I'm going to assume you're a very unhappy man at this point. Here on earth, with no ship—she's not yours, anymore, sir. She's Will's. No ship and no Spock. And both your fault. You moved on. Why shouldn't they?"

She could see her words hit and felt simultaneously sorry and a surge of victory.

He laughed and it was a bitter sound. "You forgot one. Lori moved on too."

She knew that, but if he didn't think she did, why let him in on how friendly she and Lori had become over the months since her assignment? Or that she knew Lori was seeing an admiral named Finnegan, that the marriage to Kirk was over. "Sorry."

"No you're not." He drummed his fingers on the table as he leaned in, and she didn't think he even knew he was doing it. She'd never seen him so...on edge. "And wow, look at you. Not content to sit in the background and be insulted."

"Not used to you being the one to insult me."

"Well, I'm not as charming as I used to be. Ask my former wife."

She wasn't sure what to say, so she gathered her tray and stood.

"Leaving so soon? Was it something I said, Christine?"

"For whatever it's worth, sir, Captain Decker and I are nothing more than what you and McCoy were. Friends. Unless you want to tell me you're the reason he's not around anymore, either?"

Another hit registered. She just didn't care. This man had caused such a cascade of damage when he'd run from Spock. Part of the wreckage had been living with her for all these months. And now he'd say this shit to her—be so mean when he was supposed to be Will's friend and had recommended him for the position?

She turned and hurried off, closing out her work and then walking briskly to her place, trying to shake off the anger and frustration. Did others think she got the posting this way?

When she opened the door to her apartment, she saw Sarek sitting at the counter, sipping a mug of what was no doubt the new oolong she'd left out for him. She practically stomped over to him and said, "Do you think I fucked my way into being CMO?"

His eyebrow went up. "I assume Captain Decker would be the partner in question?"

She nodded. "Do you think he and I are screwing?"

"If you are, you are not doing it here. Amanda and I are often present and we have never seen—"

"Aarghh. Why am I asking you?" Stupid Vulcan male with his stupid way of tiptoeing around what was a simple goddamned question. "Amanda...?"

But she wasn't in the guest room.

"She is not here, Christine. She is hosting a reception at the embassy."

She stopped and turned. "But you're here."

"My presence was not required there. And it has been a trying day. She suggested I escape to this—our sanctuary." He put the mug down and rose. "A sanctuary I am fully aware is also your residence." He seemed to be studying her intently. "Am I welcome here without her?"

She was getting used to him looking at her like this, as if he was trying to determine something—as if she was any kind of mystery. "Of course you're welcome. I was just surprised."

"And also kind beyond measure. I am not sure I believe you." Again the cock of the head, the narrowing of the eyes. She had, as she had for months, the sense he wanted to just read her.

But she wasn't going to do that. Not when she thought what she was seeing might be interest on his part. She'd never do that to Amanda. And for all she knew, his Pon Farr was coming on and making him as weird as Spock was on the ship with his talks of protesting against their nature.

"Have you grown weary of having us here?" he asked very softly.

"I haven't."

He looked down. "Perhaps it is time that we gave up our freedom. You are no longer absent as frequently as you were. I do not wish for us to impose."

"Sarek, what do I have to do to convince you I'm fine with you both being here?" She could see he didn't believe her, so she grabbed his hand. "Here. What do you feel?"

He looked up slowly, turning his hand so they were palm to palm. " I feel anger, first and foremost."

"But not at you. At Kirk." She closed her eyes. "He said things... Made me so mad. How many people think I got CMO this way?"

"If there are any who do, there is nothing you can do to disprove it other than show professionalism and competence until they realize they were wrong. But it was certainly not my impression that it was the reason. And I do not believe that Starfleet Command would have approved the appointment if they believed you were in an intimate relationship with the ship's new captain."

He was still holding her hand, and he reached out and cupped her cheek. "I am sorry he upset you."

For a minute, she leaned into his touch. Then, when he didn't pull his hand away, she whispered, "What are you doing?"

"I can feel that you derive comfort from my touch."

She was deriving other things from his touch as well—things she didn't want to think too hard about. She eased away, not meeting his eyes. "Whether I do or not isn't really something we should discuss."

"So you can kiss my wife but I may not...soothe you?"

She looked at him—glared at him was probably more accurate. "It was more that she kissed me. And she told you about that?"

"She did. Amanda and I have few secrets. Especially now. Being here—the freedom you have provided us—it has been exceptionally beneficial for our marriage."

"Then why are you hitting on me—are you hitting on me?" God, could this day get any weirder?

"If I were, would that be of interest to you?"

She wasn't sure what to say. Finally she laughed, the sound as bitter as Kirk's. "Is this the Pon Farr speaking? Or is it more that when Vulcans espouse infinite diversity in infinite combinations, it's just a fancy term for open marriage?"

"It is not the Pon Farr. And I suppose some could interpret IDIC in that manner, but it is not what is meant."

"You spin every answer. So goddamned slippery. I can see why you're outstanding at your job." She laughed, and this time it sounded slightly hysterical.

Why couldn't this just be the Pon Farr? That would mean nothing; the same way Spock's unnerving focus in his quarters had meant nothing as soon as he was himself again.

"Do you wish us to leave, Christine? Perhaps it is time."

She yanked her hand away. "No, I don't goddamn want you to leave. Now stop confusing me and go drink your tea. I need a fucking drink." She glared at him until he nodded gently and returned to the counter. Then she went into the kitchen, poured herself a huge glass of a Spanish red she'd been saving, and sat next to him. "Do you two...?"

Fuck, she was not going to ask this.

"Do we two...what?"

"Is your marriage open? Is that what this is?"

"It is not. I have always been faithful to her—other than the times I had to be with T'Mela. And I would know if she had ever been unfaithful to me. We value fidelity, Christine."

She could feel her face redden. "Bully for you." Taking a huge sip of her wine, she sighed. "Sorry, didn't mean to overreact."

"You did not overreact. You just misread my intention. You assume I am interested in you for myself."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you matchmaking for some other Vulcan?" She wanted to dump her wine over his head, but then it would stain the carpet.

"You assume I am interested solely for myself." He said it so softly she probably could ignore it if she wanted to.

But she didn't want to. She turned and he turned and their knees were suddenly pressed together. "Are you saying you and Amanda—both of you—want me?"

"I am. You should consider whether that is anything you are interested in. If it is not, we will forget that we had this conversation."

"Bullshit. No one ever forgets a conversation like this."

His lips ticked up enough to qualify for a smile in Vulcan terms. "Then we will ignore it."

"Does she know you're broaching this—oh, of course she does. You two have no secrets and she told you to come here tonight." She took another large sip of wine.

"For whatever it is worth, I felt interest just now. When I touched you." He studied her, finally shifting so their knees didn't press so hard against each other. "Do you wish for me to leave? I can return to the embassy."

"No, I just want you to stop talking. This day has been a shitty one, and I don't plan to make any important decisions tonight." She was suddenly hyper aware of him next to her, the sound of his breath, the scent of incense. Things she'd come to take for granted.

To welcome.

And it had been so long since she'd been touched. She'd been working so hard.

She loved them. Both of them. She was comfortable with them.

And she was shipping out. This didn't have to be anything permanent if they didn't prove compatible.

Oh, holy fuck—was she actually considering this?

"Nothing has to change, Christine. I can feel your unease from here. Please—I did not mean to upset you."

"I came in upset. You...you just confused the hell out of me." She took a deep breath, trying to center. "Do you like the new tea?"

"I do. It is quite different from the Baozhong. Tell me about it."

So she did, grateful he was steering them into far less confusing waters.

##

Amanda could tell Sarek had talked to Christine by the way she never quite met her eyes, even if she appeared to be in very good spirits after what seemed like a lot of wine. Making the subtle gesture that Sarek would know meant she wanted to speak to him in private, she left Christine on the balcony and went into the kitchen.

When he joined her, she murmured, "She seems..."

"Confused. I believe we have confused her. But...I also believe she is considering it."

"Well, then, I'll just leave her alone to think about it. What are you in the mood for?"

He very deliberately looked out to the balcony and she laughed. "Ah, you meant for dinner." He touched her cheek. "I did that to make you smile. I am not set on this."

"I know. Me neither." She pulled him down to her, kissing him softly. "And you do make me smile. Whatever she decides is fine."

"Agreed. Will you make Takleya?"

"It's been forever since I've made that. Let me see if we have what we'd need for that." She checked the chiller and laughed. "You bought the ingredients?"

"I hoped you would indulge me."

"Always, my love. Christine doesn't like things too spicy, though."

"I can compromise."

Their eyes met and she burst out laughing. "I'm sure you can. Go sit with her while I cook. I don't want her thinking that this new things is all there is. She's our friend now. Our very dear friend."

"Indeed."

But as soon as he went out, Christine came back in and grabbed the antitox container, taking one.

"Are you all right?" Amanda met Sarek's eyes where he stood at the balcony door. "Have we upset you?"

Christine closed her eyes for a moment, and Amanda could see the good mood falling away. "I'm so angry." She shook her head. "But not at you two. At Kirk. How dare he."

She waited for more information, then finally looked at Sarek with a helpless expression.

He looked sheepish, in the way he always did when he'd determined something too minor to mention, but it wasn't. "Kirk insinuated she had secured her posting through intimate congress with Captain Decker."

"Yeah, I fucked my way to it." Christine glared at Sarek. "Can't you just say it that way? Your way sounds so hygienic."

He made the kind of helpless shrug that always got him off the hook with Amanda, and Christine turned back to her.

"Darling, no one will believe it."

"They will if he starts telling them. I didn't make things better—I was so mean." She sat down at the counter. "Give me something to chop. I need to destroy something."

"Not in the mood you're in." She studied her. "Do you really think he'd say anything? He's not a gossip, is he?"

"The Kirk I knew wasn't. But you didn't see him. He's not the same guy. His wife left him and I'm pretty sure he hates his job."

Sarek sat next to her. "I have heard from a variety of sources that he has indeed undergone something of a personality change during his time at Command. It is attributed to the fact that he is unhappy being planet bound."

Christine nodded. "He misses space. His ship. Spock, no doubt."

"Well, that's on him." Amanda waved the knife around a bit, causing both of them to draw back. "Still, I'm sure he won't say anything about this."

"I could ensure he did not." Sarek met her eyes, his look the one that said to let him run with whatever he was going to say, no matter how strange. Then he turned to Christine. "I could tell him you are in a committed relationship with us."

Amanda tried to hide her surprise and focused on chopping the vegetables.

"You'd do that for me?"

"It would, I think, surprise him into silence."

Which was not Sarek saying he'd actually do it. Amanda hid a smile and wondered if Christine would catch that.

But Christine seemed too far gone in her anger to catch the subtleties of Vulcan verbal avoidance. Or perhaps she just wasn't looking for it. "I can't let you. Some people would react badly to such an arrangement. And...it's not true." She looked at him, then at Amanda. "It's not true. We're not in a committed relationship."

Amanda said nothing. She waited, chopping quietly. "How spicy do you want this, dear?" she finally asked.

"Is that a joke?" Christine stood, but Sarek caught her arm.

"She is not making light of this. She is trying to change the subject. The dish is usually quite spicy. I like it that way."

"Then have it that way. It's how it's supposed to be made. By her, for you. How the hell do I even figure in this?" She got up and managed to avoid Sarek's hand this time. "I'm going out. Don't wait up."

And then she was gone and Sarek took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Well, that went well." Amanda rolled her eyes at him, then handed him the vegetables. "Here, you normally do this anyway."

He got to chopping.

"She's right, you know. It is you and I, and she's not part of it. Why are we trying so hard to make her be part of it? Are you bored with me?"

He met her eyes, his eyebrows drawn down in what for him was a deep frown. "Of course not. You were the one who indicated this was—"

"I know that. But...we're having fun with this. And she's not. And maybe we need to stop. Maybe we need to go home and just be us, the ambassador and his wife, not...whatever it is we're doing here."

He sighed. "You may well be right." Then he met her eyes, weary humor in his. "Or perhaps I should not have broached it when she was in this state. I hoped to divert her from thinking about what Kirk said regarding her appointment. I did not think of how the suggestion would affect her." He sighed again. "It is her house, and she had to flee."

They finished preparing the food in silence and ate a somber, very spicy, meal.

Christine was still not home by the time they went to bed.

##

Sarek heard the door of the apartment opening and eased away from Amanda, slipping out of bed and closing the door behind him. He found Christine in the living room, standing with arms crossed in front of the sliding glass doors to the balcony.

"I know your footsteps." She didn't turn around and he could not read her tone. She sounded...Vulcan.

"Are you all right?" He had learned after a life with Amanda that this was a key question, less for ascertaining a truthful answer—or at least not on first asking—but in demonstrating his level of care.

She shrugged.

He moved closer to her and could smell another male on her. A slight surge of possessiveness came from the knowledge that she might have been working out her feelings sexually, but nothing untoward.

"I went to Will's."

Until he heard that. The level of irritation he felt surprised him. Was he frustrated with her for making the rumors fact or did he consider Decker some kind of...threat to what he considered his? "So you and he are—"

"Still going to be serving together." She turned, a look he again couldn't read on her face. "What you just asked—what I just interrupted. Where were you going with that thought?"

He tried the shrug that had worked so well before.

"No. You thought I went there to be with him." She laughed, but the sound held little amusement. "I cannot fucking win."

"I am..." He wanted to say relieved, but decided that would not be what she wanted to hear. "Sorry."

"Yeah, thanks. I went to tell him there were rumors. I didn't tell him that it was Kirk who said it to me—that would kill him. He idolizes the man. I said I'd step aside if he wanted to select a less tainted CMO. He told me not to be stupid." She held up her hand; it was trembling. "So why do I feel so bad? Why do I feel like he's the stupid one?"

He did not answer, was not sure how to answer. He wanted to take her into his arms, but that felt wrong.

Until Amanda surprised him by pushing past him, pulling Christine to her, saying, "Oh, sweetheart, Kirk's just bitter. This isn't about you, and it isn't about Will, and I don't think he'll say anything to anyone else. He was striking out. And you were within reach."

"But I didn't just take it. Why didn't I just take it? Why'd I have to say something cutting back?"

"Because it's not in your nature to just take it." She smoothed Christine's hair off her face. "I don't think it's Will you needed to talk to. It's Kirk. Hash this out, as former shipmates. As friends. Sometimes the people we strike out at are the ones we need most to talk to."

Despite being so much shorter than Christine, she managed to push her toward Sarek as she said, "Let me make you some tea."

He and Christine stared at each other awkwardly.

"Oh, for God's sake, Sarek, hold her. Can't you see she needs it?"

So he opened his arms and Christine almost collapsed against him, but she didn't cry, which surprised him because he could feel the turmoil inside her. But primarily he could feel exhaustion.

"I'm so fucking tired. I've worked so hard."

"I will speak to Kirk if you wish." And this time he meant it. This time he would say whatever he needed to in order to provide her some serenity.

"No. Amanda's right. I need to talk to him. I'll do it as soon as I can get an appointment with him."

He allowed himself to hold her more tightly, and she relaxed against him, whispering. "You two are making it so hard to say no to you."

"Christine, you do not have to say anything. I should not have broached this."

"It was already broached. When I kissed your wife after she kissed me." She reached up and touched his face, no longer whispering when she said, "You do have a beautiful nose."

Amanda laughed. "It's his best feature."

He let an eyebrow go up because that was not what she said when they were in private, and this time Christine laughed, although he did not think for the same reason he was amused. He let himself relax and almost smile as he stroked her hair. "No decisions will be made tonight. Let us give you the sanctuary that you gave us. Let us protect you. Anything else...it can wait."

"Forever, if that's the right thing. We're your friends, darling. First and foremost." Amanda brought the tea over and set it on the coffee table, then she pointed, and he dutifully eased Christine over to where she indicated on the couch, leaving enough room for her to sit on the other side.

"I don't really want any tea." Christine slid down, resting her head on Amanda's shoulder. Then she took his hand. "I'm so tired."

Amanda glanced at him and he nodded to confirm he was sensing that. "Darling, if we've contributed to how tired you are, I'm so sorry. He and I—we're all right now. If you want your apartment and your privacy back, just say so. You've been so kind and—"

"Amanda, shut up." She let go of his hand, cuddled in closer to his wife, closed her eyes, and a moment later was asleep.

He reached for the throw she had tucked around them on more than one occasion to him and wrapped it around her and Amanda. "Do you need anything?"

"Yeah, to taste this tea you two keep going on about."

He handed it to her and she took a sip. "It's good." She held it out, and they shared the cup as they often did in private.

He felt a surge of extraordinary tenderness for her, and she glanced at him, surprise and happiness clear in her expression and then coming to him through the bond. Just as his tenderness must have flowed to her.

"I love you so, Sarek."

"And I you." He tried to hand the tea to her.

"You finish it. I'm beat." She shifted a little, closed her eyes, and soon her breathing too changed to that of sleep.

He watched her and Christine for a long moment, then rose and took the tea and a padd to the counter and worked while they slept.

##

The next day, Chapel looked up to see Will in the doorway of her temporary office.

"Got a sec?" he asked, already hitting the privacy button. The door slid shut and he began to pace. "First off, I want to apologize for getting so angry last night."

"You were angry?"

He stopped and laughed. "I was furious."

"Huh. Okay." She filed that away for future reference. He was going to be a lot harder to read than she'd expected. "At me, for coming to you?"

"No, at whoever said it. And yes, at you, for thinking I'd give a damn what anyone said. You're my CMO, Christine. And that's how it is. No goddamn rumor is going to get in the way of that. Especially when it's not true."

"I overreacted. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. We're still feeling our way. I just wanted you to know that we're a team. A united front."

"Got it, boss."

"For what it's worth, I hate being called that."

"It will never cross my lips again." She gave him the smile she knew put people at ease.

"I'm sorry. I'm just antsy. And—"

"And...?"

"And it's like until we're underway, I'm always going to feel like they're going to take it away." He let his breath out. "It's the flagship."

"Yes, it is. And I for one can't wait to get out there, on your ship."

"Ours." He laughed.

"Right. Ours." She loved how he could share—how much of a team he was building. "New adventures await." But as she said that, she felt something in her protest.

She was leaving people she loved behind. She didn't expect that. She'd thought everyone she really cared about had either retired or was going to be on the ship. But now there was Amanda and Sarek and...she loved them.

"I'll let you get back to work, Doc."

"For what it's worth, I don't hate that." God knew she'd worked hard enough to be called that.

"I know." With a grin, he was gone.

She put off going to see Kirk, not comming his office to get an appointment, finding it hard to muster up the energy to confront him. Finally, when it was long after shift change, she closed up her terminal and walked from Medical to the wing he was on.

His light was on, the other desks shut down for the night. She walked to the door to his office, saw him sitting at his terminal, and said, "Sir?"

He looked up and stood, an embarrassed smile on his face. "Chris. Come in."

"I don't have an appointment."

"It's fine. Just come in." He gestured to a chair. "I want to say I'm sorry."

"I want to say that too." She sat, leaning in. "I said some things—"

"Belay that. You said some things because I said even worse things. I..." His lips got tight and he shook his head. "I'm not at my best."

"I'm sorry, sir. I know you've lost a lot."

"Not lost. Given up. Thrown away—or never wanted in the first place." He closed his eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm tired and—and you don't need to care about that."

"I do care. I value the time I spent on your ship. I learned a lot from watching you. And from watching you and McCoy."

"Thank you. That's very generous after what I said." His smile was beautiful but sad. "For the record, I don't think you and Will... I just...I saw you and him, and you were so in sync. The way Bones and I used to be. The way Spock and I were. And something...broke inside me, I guess. He's taking my ship. And you were on my crew first. You and Uhura, Sulu and Chekov and Scotty."

"And Rand."

"Jesus, her too?" He rubbed his eyes, and she felt a surge of compassion. He looked so lost. "Do you want to get out of here? Go get a drink or dinner or something?"

She imagined how that might go. How charming he could be if he wanted to. How much he needed someone. How much she liked being needed.

And she remembered how mean he'd been to her—for no good reason.

And how she'd never be Spock.

And that she'd had to come to him, not the other way around, for this little heart-to-heart. He was reaching out—but not to her, really. Just to any person who was still in the vicinity.

It was sad. But it wasn't her problem. And—

"I'm in a relationship, sir. If, I mean, if that's what you're asking... Dinner doesn't have to mean a date, I know." She knew she was turning bright red.

"It probably was what I was asking." His smile was a gentle one, bittersweet. "Who's the lucky person? Please tell me it's not my wife—she thinks highly of you."

"It's not Lori. I'd rather not say who it is. It's new. May not go anywhere. Kind of exploring the whole idea—and how it could work, if it even will work, after I ship out. But I feel...safe in this relationship. I feel..." She shook her head, unsure how to explain it.

"Hold onto it, then. Don't throw it away because you're afraid." He came around and pulled her in for a hug that felt comforting and genuine and not at all sexual. "I lost everything when I could have had forever. So stupid."

"I'm sorry, sir."

"Jim, Chris. Call me Jim. And go. Go explore your relationship. Run headlong into it. Life's short and the people we love can disappear."

She nodded and touched his cheek very softly. "If I weren't in this thing, I'd say yes." She wasn't certain of that, but it seemed the generous thing to say. The kindest thing, and she considered herself a kind person.

"If your explorations come to naught, look me up, okay?"

"Thank you, Jim."

"Will's going to be a great captain. And you're perfect for him. You'll be gentle, but you won't let him run roughshod over you." He let her go. "Go on. I've got work to do."

"Yes, sir." She suddenly felt so sad for him. "Find a ship, Jim. Get back to space. This job—Earth—it's sucking the life out of you."

"Space isn't in my future, Chris. Admirals don't captain ships."

She nodded. "Right. They run the place."

"That they do. Generally from a really boring meeting." He turned back to his terminal. "Go on. Be with your new love. Be happy, Chris."

She decided not to say, "You too," as she slipped out the door. She didn't think he was going to be, not in this job, not alone.

##

Amanda hugged Sarek, holding him closer than she would normally because he'd told her the mission he'd suddenly been assigned would be dangerous. "Promise me you'll be careful."

"You know I will."

She smiled as she heard the door open and came out with him to talk to Christine who smiled at them and said, "I cleared the air with Kirk."

"Good."

Then Christine seemed to notice Sarek's bag. "What's going on?"

"Starfleet needs him. And it's a nasty place, so wish him well."

"Oh, you're leaving." There was something off in Christine's voice—something almost forlorn—and she tried to assess the difference.

"You are disappointed that I am leaving?" Sarek touched a certain place on her back, the one that meant: "Pay attention to this."

"I am." Christine looked down. "I guess... I mean..." She waved off whatever she was going to say. "You've got to go, right?"

"I have a few moments if you wish to tell us something."

"I do want to tell you something. But you plural—you know: what we were talking about."

Amanda reached back, drumming on his leg, hidden by the robe, in the way that meant, "I'm in favor of this."

"I see." He leaned down to Amanda and kissed her gently but quite thoroughly, then walked over to Christine, pulled her into his arms, and kissed her the same way. "I trust you and my wife can find ways to entertain yourselves until I get back."

Christine laughed. "I guess we can."

"It did start with you two, after all." He touched her cheek gently, then looked back at Amanda. "I will see you soon, my love."

It was sheer indulgence to her, to all things human, to call her that. But it also was the right thing to say; Christine looked charmed as she let him go.

After a last look at both of them, he was gone.

"Oh my," Amanda said, smiling in what she knew was a nervous way. "I was rather hoping he'd be here for this. I've never... With a woman, I mean. Because of course I have. I do. With him." She was babbling, for God's sake. And she'd started this.

Christine laughed. "I've never either. With a woman."

"Well, won't this be fun, then?" She began to giggle, and it was a sound of both relief and hysteria. "But we both know what we like. So we can start there, I guess."

Christine walked to her, smiling so sweetly it made her feel warm and safe. She played with her hair, laughing as she said, "This crazy hair. I love your crazy streaks."

"I think he does too even if he'll never admit it." She put her hand over Christine's, pushing it harder against her hair. "He likes you too, my dearest.

"He's a good kisser."

"He is." Amanda reached up and pulled her down. "But, as I recall, so are you."

For a moment, there was awkwardness. But then she grew aware of how soft Christine's lips were, how gentle the way she touched her hair.

They eased away, and Christine laughed softly and gestured to the hallway. "Which bedroom?"

"You choose."

"Yours."

She studied her. "Why?"

"I'm coming into your marriage. I should invade your room. Plus mine's a mess."

Amanda laughed. "You're as pragmatic as a Vulcan." She took her hand and led her to the bedroom. "I had a best friend in elementary school I used to practice kissing for boys with. Her lips were almost as soft as yours are."

"Yours are really nice too." Christine grinned as Amanda pushed her down to sit on the bed. "For such a tiny thing you are so goddamn strong."

"I've had to be. My life...it hasn't always been a cakewalk."

"No, I guess not." She opened her legs and pulled her between them, so they could kiss, so Amanda could pull off her uniform and look at her and then...

Fuck. Christine was so much younger.

"Why are you stopping?" Christine reached up, turning her face so she had to meet her eyes. "Hey, where'd you go?"

"I'm an old woman."

"No, you're not." Christine began to unbutton Amanda's top. "You're warm and lively and beautiful. And I want to see you." She didn't stop until she could see everything. She touched, so lightly it left Amanda shivering, glancing taps and strokes down her arm, around her neck, then over more intimate places. "I love it when I'm touched this way."

"I'll remember that." Amanda reached around, releasing Christine's hair from the bun, fluffing it and then running her hand up, at the nape of the neck, through the hair. "I love this."

"It is nice." Christine grinned. "I think this is going to be so much fun. Because there are a lot of things I like that I can show you."

"Ditto, my darling." Amanda crawled past her, onto the bed and drew her to her. "I've never had another lover since I've been with Sarek. This is a little...strange."

"Strange bad or strange nice?" She didn't wait for an answer, just began to kiss down her body, licking and sucking until the heat inside Amanda built and was rising, rising, rising and—

She arched, crying out, shocked at how quickly she'd come.

"I'm going to say it's strange nice." Christine looked like a child who'd broken into the holiday gifts, so delighted with herself.

Amanda laughed and said, "Strange very, very, very nice." Then she pushed Christine to her back and said, "My turn."

"Oh, if you must," Christine said, laughing, then laughing turned to sighs, then moans, then—she wasn't quiet, not at all.

"This is wonderful," Amanda said as she slipped in next to her, running her fingers over her throat, then her chest. "Everything makes sense."

"I know." Christine pulled her to her and kissed, deeply, with more assurance than their first kiss, with more playfulness too. "I'm glad it's just us two to start with. We have so much to learn and it's going to be such a hardship to learn it. Many, many trying hours."

She had the silliest grin, and Amanda just had to kiss her, pulling her down, wrapping her legs around her, grinding once she found a spot that made her tingle and then Christine was reaching down, turning the tingle back into the wondrous climb and fall.

She wondered what Sarek was feeling from her. She hoped it was the same amazing delight that being with Christine this way could be so much fun.

And anticipation of what it could become once he joined them.

##

Sarek took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He was finally done with what had seemed particularly tedious negotiations.

The emotions he was sensing from Amanda had not helped matters. He was distracted—incredibly so.

He was also feeling both territorial because she was having sex with someone other than him and aroused at the idea that he would also soon be having sex with Christine.

Although he foresaw problems. The two women together, their focus only on each other—that was a familiar thing, easy to make the transition from one partner to a different one. But adding a third?

He could not deny the idea excited him, but he also worried that what seemed workable in theory might prove untenable in execution.

And if that was so, someone would be hurt. Perhaps all of them.

He tried to push the thought of what lay ahead aside, to lose himself in Vulcan disciplines as he and his team made their—very slow, it seemed—way home. But once they made spacedock, once he was beaming down, he was eager to get to the apartment.

Starfleet Command, unfortunately, had other ideas. And he found himself in a meeting when he thought he would be finished for the day, trying his best to suppress the irritation that his reports and the conversations he had conducted via a terminal on the ship could not suffice.

No—he was allowing his emotions to override logic and duty. That was unsupportable.

He sent a quick text comm to Amanda, letting her know he was held up.

And then he focused and answered questions, allowing those with half his intellect and experience to question his actions. All things he did every day.

Normally, he was resigned to it. Today it chafed, and he knew why.

Finally, he could make his escape but ran into Kirk as he was hurrying. He nodded and pushed past him, but Kirk said, "Ambassador?"

He turned.

"Spock—I wondered. Does he...prosper?"

"I would not know." And that was this man's fault.

Kirk swallowed visibly. "I deeply regret how this went."

He was not sure what he was expected to do with the statement. He cocked his head and nodded slowly—a move he had found could be interpreted however his interlocutor desired. It was most imprecise, but preferable to speaking truth in instances where honesty would create unnecessary conflict.

Kirk however seemed to understand what he was doing. "You blame me?"

"As you are to blame, that is logical, is it not?" He nearly closed his eyes—why was he instigating an argument with this man when his women waited?

His women. He felt a surge of satisfaction at the thought. "I apologize. I know my son may have been...clumsy in how he approached this. What is done is done." There, let him slip off the hook of guilt. Sarek did not care how Kirk felt. Did not wish to help him cope with his loss or conversely make him feel worse about it.

He just wanted to leave.

Kirk seemed about to say something more, so Sarek said, "I apologize, but I have another appointment." Then he turned on his heel and left, contemplating the illogic of having to feign regret for simply keeping to one's schedule.

Even if the schedule in question was not one his assistant would know about.

As he hurried, nearly to the exit, he saw Christine walk into Command. She met his eyes, regret in hers.

He walked to her and asked, "You are all right?"

"There's a problem with the new biobeds. It's going to throw off a bunch of other improvements in sickbay if we don't solve it tonight so we're meeting with the engineers." She nodded to someone behind him and he turned.

Decker stood, smiling at her in a way Sarek was not entirely sure was collegial.

Her smile back at him was warm.

Too warm?

Did he have the right to wonder that?

"I'll be right there, Will." She turned back to him. "She's waiting for you at the apartment. I'm sorry—so, so, so sorry—that I'm not also waiting." Her smile changed, became mischievous. "But I'll be home as soon as I can."

"I look forward to it." He knew his look was perhaps too intense for this venue.

Her eyes dilated, the scent of her changed subtly, and he felt great satisfaction at the idea that he had aroused her so easily.

"Go," he said, and she grinned again and hurried off. He nodded to Decker who nodded back in an amiable manner; Sarek decided there was no sign that Decker had considered his interaction with the man's new CMO as overly intimate.

He walked slowly, his need to rush diminished, and he realized he was more disappointed than perhaps was healthy for his marriage.

But he forgot his disappointment when he opened the apartment door. When Amanda grinned at him, stripped off his robe, and pushed him down on the couch. "She got called away. Will just I do?" She was laughing as she asked—and he felt that despite her time spent with Christine, she had missed him greatly.

"More than sufficient. But...here?" In the living room, where they had been careful not to go too far in case Christine came home unexpectedly.

"We don't have to stay in the bedroom anymore." She nipped his lower lip. "We're going to have so much fun."

##

Chapel sat back in the flitter one of the engineers was sharing with her, too tired to move as the sun came up, brightening the sky in a way that would be heartening if she were just getting up to see it. Will had told her to take the day off, and she wanted nothing more than to fall into bed.

But which bed?

She'd been sleeping with Amanda. It wasn't that big a bed and Sarek was home.

Sarek, who'd been unbearably sexy without even trying when she saw him at Starfleet Command.

The flitter stopped and she mumbled goodbye as she got out and then palmed her way into the building, collapsing against the elevator wall and closing her eyes during the short ride, then forcing herself to walk down the hall to her door. She entered quietly and listened for a moment to see if anyone was up, but it was silent in the apartment.

She walked to Amanda's room and stood in the doorway. Sarek and Amanda were cuddled together asleep, and she tried to figure out where she was supposed to lie down.

Sighing, she turned to go to her room.

"Christine?" His voice was soft.

She turned back. "I thought you were asleep." She shook her head. "I'm so tired. Just...I'll talk to you when I wake up."

And then she fled, standing in her bedroom, unsure why any of this had seemed like a good idea.

"Darling, come to bed." Amanda stole in behind her, arms wrapping around her waist. "He woke me up. Why aren't you with us?"

"There's no room."

"You're exhausted. Come to bed right now." Amanda took her hand and led her into the bedroom.

With Sarek watching, Amanda eased off Chapel's uniform, kissing gently. When she was naked, Amanda turned her to face him fully, and she felt exposed—but not embarrassed. His wife was making this so easy. "Isn't she lovely, darling?"

"Indeed."

"And like a Christmas present, she's for later. For now, she sleeps." Amanda urged her into the bed, between them, and she lay on her back as they both snuggled into her.

"Hi," she said with a nervous laugh to Sarek.

"Good morning." He reached out, then stopped himself.

"You can touch to soothe, my husband." Amanda grinned, as if she loved being in charge. Then she leaned in and kissed Chapel gently, her lips soft and loving.

"Sleep," Sarek said and he tipped her chin so she had to look at him, also kissing her gently, his lips firmer, more demanding even though he was being tender.

"I think I could... If you want..."

"Go to sleep. We have plenty of time." Amanda said as she slipped her leg over Chapel's.

Sarek did the same and it might have felt confining with anyone else, but she felt cherished and protected. She closed her eyes and said, "I love you."

"Sweet girl," she heard Amanda say just before she surrendered to sleep.

##

Amanda woke curled against Christine as she had for days now. She rose just enough to see that Sarek was awake. "Good morning again," she whispered, then started to laugh.

She was staring over another woman at her husband—a woman who was her lover, but not his.

Not yet, anyway.

"Good morning," he mouthed back.

"Did you sleep?"

He shook his head in the way that meant it didn't matter. She was used to him not needing as much sleep as she did; she was also used to him staying in the bed anyway because he enjoyed sharing it with her.

Although she sensed something else—something new. He was awake because he wanted Christine even if he was looking at her.

She wanted to wake Christine. She wanted to kiss her until she groaned and made the groggy "I'm still sort of asleep but I love what you're doing to me" noises that Amanda had come to know.

But something stopped her. "Let's let her sleep. We could make breakfast."

He actually frowned. "Earlier, she reacted badly to a perceived lack of space on the bed. I believe she would react just as negatively to being left with all the space."

"In other words, you don't what to leave her?" Couldn't he just say what he meant?

Christine stirred. "If this is your idea of pillow talk, it's lacking." She rubbed her eyes. "What time is it?"

He looked at the chrono. "Ten thirteen."

Amanda frowned. "You should be at work."

"I have nothing on my schedule." His expression, as he met her eyes, was untroubled. "I ensured that I would not."

"For me?" Christine turned to him, a grin growing. Then she reached back, pulling Amanda to drape over her. "For us?" She turned just enough to kiss her, her hand tangling in Amanda's hair. She smiled as she pulled away. "Is he going crazy yet?"

Amanda looked at him. He was, but she shook her head and dipped in for another kiss.

"My wife. You are monopolizing her."

Christine laughed against her, pushing her over, following her, moving them away from Sarek, acting as if he wasn't there, only giggling too much for it to be believable, until he sat up and eased them both toward him.

"Oh, did you want something, my husband?" Amanda ran her hand down Christine's throat, to her collarbone, then her breasts. "This lovely woman, perhaps?"

Christine pulled him down to her, never letting go of Amanda's hand as he kissed her, as he began to get to know her body, as he made her arch and cry out. As she came down, Amanda crawled over her, pushed Sarek to his back, and straddled him.

"You like this?" She lowered herself, knowing the answer without his fervent nod. He touched her cheek, then closed his eyes.

He never closed his eyes when she rode him this way. But he was hard because he'd been pleasuring another woman. Did he wish it were Christine on top of him? "Open your eyes."

He did, quickly. "My wife?"

"Who do you see?"

"I see you."

Christine slid along her leg, kissing. "Beautiful you."

She began to move, but her eyes didn't leave Sarek's. She saw a flicker—concern—in his eyes, in his expression.

"I see you, Amanda."

Christine eased away. "Are we okay?" Her look was troubled and sweet—the look of the woman she'd been making love to for days.

It had been so easy when it was just the two of them.

"We are, my dearest. Just...growing pains, I guess. I'm not used to sharing him."

"Or me."

"Or you." She sighed. "Have I ruined everything?"

Christine eased up behind her, kissing her neck the way she loved. "Of course not."

"You were occupied in a most pleasurable way before you stopped." Sarek pulled her down, kissing her the way he used to when they were new, when nothing was certain. "I love you," he whispered.

Then he eased her back so Christine could capture her arms, and watched as she leaned against her, as their lover made her feel even more than he did alone. And then he was gone, calling out, but not her name. Not Christine's either. An incoherent sound—but deliberately so, she thought.

He probably didn't know whose name to call out after what she'd just said.

And he was kind. He would not want to leave Christine out even if his wife had suddenly turned unusually needy.

During an act that had been her idea.

He touched her hips, his eyes meeting hers, assessing. Knowing her too well.

"I love this," Christine murmured against her.

She swallowed hard, fighting an urge to push the other woman off the bed.

She'd wanted this.

It was just strange. And the bond would make it stranger. Christine could never understand that. How it felt to feel your mate desire another. How right it felt in theory.

How wrong it felt coming at you through the bond.

She eased off her husband, pulling Christine's hands down, to caress, to have. "He comes back quickly."

There. She was giving him to her. Surely that would quiet the discord between desire and possession?

Christine leaned down, her mouth, her lips, bringing Sarek back very quickly.

Too quickly? Would he have been ready this soon if it was just her?

This time he didn't look at her, this time he focused on Christine, on pulling her onto him.

But she imagined he wanted to push her beneath him, to take her in a primal way. How much did he hold back with her? How much could he let go with a younger woman?

Christine reached for her as she came.

She didn't reach back.

##

Chapel lay with her head in Amanda's lap. She wanted to reach for Sarek, to pull his hand to her, onto her hair, the way Amanda had gotten her addicted to being touched.

But she didn't think Amanda would like that.

Not for the first time, she wished she were the touch telepath. What the hell? None of this had been her idea. From the moment Amanda had moved herself into her life. And now she was being this weird about it?

The silence shifted from the natural release and slide down from bliss to something charged and...

Ugly. It felt ugly. "I don't think this is the way threesomes are supposed to work."

Oh, fucking shit, had she said that out loud?

By the way it got even more awkward, she realized she had.

"Maybe because it's wrong," Amanda said, not meeting her eyes. Her voice was small, defeated.

Chapel sat up so she was facing them, refusing to pull covers up and over herself, even though she suddenly felt very exposed. "Why is this wrong now?" She glared at Amanda. "It wasn't wrong when it was just us."

Sarek actually sighed. "Two is perhaps an easier number than three."

"No, perhaps about it. But this wasn't my idea. It was yours. You two couldn't have bothered to work out your goddamn angst before you dragged me into it?" She wanted to storm out, to grab her clothes and go—where? This was her apartment for fuck's sake. Yet she felt like the intruder.

"I do not believe my wife anticipated how it would feel to see me with you."

"Well why the fuck not? Why didn't you anticipate it—you plan everything?" She glared at him, then at Amanda again for good measure. She always had something clever to say. Why not now?

"I think we need some ground rules," Amanda finally said into the ever-growing tension.

She laughed, the sound bitter. "Like what? You can have me, and we both can have you, but he can't have me? That's not a ground rule. That's not even a triangle. It's just an angle."

Amanda swallowed visibly and looked away.

"Is this about my age again?" At Sarek's look, she said, "She hesitated. When we first made love. Because I was younger. Which is stupid. I know I'm younger. So fucking what?"

Amanda whirled on her, more anger than Christine expected on her face. "That was not yours to tell him."

She felt an answering energy filling her: she'd never goddamn asked for any of this. Why was she feeling like some pleasure girl who'd forgotten to leave when her time was up? "I was there. The experience is half mine. Jesus, how much of this do you have to control? You couldn't run Spock's life so you're going to run mine?"

The horrible thing she'd just said hung between them all.

Amanda got up, her face red. "Be out of this bed when I get back."

She got up faster, got between her and the door. "This is my fucking place. You be out of it."

Amanda's hand was out but she caught it—didn't Amanda know nurses were pros at ducking?

"Don't ever, ever slap me. Don't you dare." She saw Amanda tear up and closed her eyes. "I didn't mean what I said—about you leaving." She turned to Sarek. He didn't look surprised—had he seen this coming and done this anyway? Why?

Did he want her that much? Or did he think he could save his marriage this way—and to hell with her?

"I'm just so confused." She closed her eyes and was dismayed to find herself crying.

"Oh, sweetheart. I'm sorry." Amanda pulled her in. "I'm sorry. I thought this was what I wanted. When it was just us...it was."

If Amanda weren't being so gentle, if she just went back to being angry, then Chapel would feel better. But holding her, when it didn't mean anything anymore... Why?

"I told him you made me feel safe." She could barely get the words out. How fucking stupid had she been? Would Kirk have been the better option?

"Told who?" Sarek asked, still on the bed.

"None of your goddamn business." She pushed Amanda away. "I think we all need time to think about this. You most of all. I think at this point, he and I are just along for the ride." She touched Amanda's face. "I would never have guessed this would be how it ends."

"It's not over."

"Yes, it is. I know you—give me that, at least. After all this time. I do know you."

Amanda closed her eyes, then nodded.

"Oh well. I leave soon. I thought I'd have you both here. My little port in the storm. So. Fucking. Stupid." She looked at Sarek. "You have nothing to say? Got your ya-yas out, I guess, and that's it. Now the great communicator is silent?"

"I agree with you. I too am perplexed." But he didn't look perplexed. He looked disappointed.

And they were two very different things.

He had seen this coming.

"Do you want us to move out?" Amanda's voice was very small.

She didn't answer quickly. Assessed the hassle it would be to have to pack up her shit now when she'd planned to let them use the place indefinitely—and they'd wanted that. "No. I can actually report to the ship early." Will wanted her to, in fact. She could acclimate before the rest of the crew got there. Join the command team—the people who had always been her future far more than the relationship that had just died in this room. "I wasn't going to go up early because of us. But it's probably a good idea. And you guys will need this place even more now—to work out whatever crisis this causes. Maybe the problem isn't with everyone else, Amanda? Maybe the problem is with you?"

"Because I'm human? Because I made a mistake?"

"But which was the mistake? Doing this in the first place—having me? Or throwing it all away. When it could have been so nice." She closed her eyes. "Three-legged stools are very stable. Tripods too. It's when you try to stand something up on two legs that it falls—without, that is, something to lean on." She opened her eyes to see the jab hit home for both of them.

"We have four legs," Amanda said, her tone not one Chapel was used to hearing. Sharp—almost mean. "So your argument, while seemingly apt, isn't."

"It is if your husband is going to make his arguments in bases of twos and threes." She leaned in. "But that's the problem, I think. All this time and you two still aren't speaking the same language." She felt the anger draining out of her.

Was it at all unexpected that this wasn't going to work? It probably had started to rot from the moment it began.

She picked up her clothes from the floor and closed the door behind her.

##

Sarek studied his wife, choosing not to speak as he did so. Either she would go after Christine and bring her back and this new relationship would go on. Or she would let her go. And it would end.

He had felt her emotions during the sex—especially when he had taken Christine. He had felt her pain and done it anyway.

Because he had known it would be his only time? Or because he was...frustrated that she'd brought them all to this only to be the one to back away?

Why would she doubt him? Why had he felt such jealousy? Such fear?

Did she think he would leave her for a woman not much younger than she when considered in Vulcan terms?

That he would leave her in any situation?

"What have I done?" she finally whispered, loudly enough that he knew she wanted him to hear.

"It can be undone. But only you can decide."

She whirled on him. "Why? Why is this on me? You're here too."

"I would not be. We both know that. There is a chain of events and it started with our son's defection, but that can no longer be blamed, my wife. Your disaffection with what life has become—my willingness to do whatever you needed so that you would make your way through it and return to me—have brought us here."

She nodded, looking defeated, and moved to him, not protesting when he pulled her down to him, when he gently nuzzled her neck.

"Have I broken her heart?"

"I do not think so."

"Why not?" She cuddled in more tightly. "I think she loves me—us."

"I believe she does. But I am not sure she is in love with either of us. You heard her: we made her feel safe. That may, in the end, be very important to her. Far more than being wanted. Or in love." He eased her into a more comfortable position for them both.

"She took care of us. She just wanted that in return?"

"It is very possible. After all, she could have gone back to science. But she chose to continue in medicine. To heal, to work with others."

"To protect." She sighed. "But she's still a scientist. She saw this wasn't working and she cut it off with surgical precision. A Vulcan couldn't have done it better."

"Did you fall in love with her, my wife?"

"I could ask you the same thing." She sighed. "She's younger. So attractive."

"Those things are trivial. You are the mate of my heart, Amanda." He chose to put this in human terms, to reach her by his willingness to set aside the Vulcan manner of speaking of emotions. She was human. Let her be human. Let him try, for this moment, to also be. "I chose you. Willingly—we were not bonded when we were children and had no say. I will always choose you."

"Then I guess there's nothing more to say. Because, no I didn't fall in love with her. I fell in love with being human with her. With laughing loudly and drinking more than I should because she always has antitox. With sleeping in and wearing clothes that didn't swish as I walked. With letting my hair be a part of who I am, not carefully controlled. And..."

"And?"

"And I wanted to be needed. Oh, Sarek, I could have been a mother to her, not this. What was I thinking?"

He opted not to say she had not been thinking. She had been running on emotion. But so had he or he would have expended more energy to talk her out of a plan he could see the problems with from the start.

"At least she's going away," Amanda said, and there was steel in her voice, wrapping itself around the misery he could feel from her.

Misery, no doubt, that she had caused pain. That she had not been able to do this thing she thought she'd wanted. That she had, in fact, enjoyed greatly.

Until he'd become part of it. "Yes. At least there is that."

##

Amanda stood at the door, watching Christine pack. She'd wasted no time contacting Decker, and then the quartermasters to arrange for her things.

"You can come in," Christine said without turning to look at her. "I'm not going to yell at you."

"Why not? I deserve it." She saw how badly Christine was packing her clothing—she was more upset than she was letting on—and pushed her away gently. "Let me do this for you."

For a moment, she thought Christine might resist, but then she moved away and began to put smaller things into another container.

"Will was ecstatic when I told him I was on my way. I probably should have just said yes in the first place. Why was I putting this thing with you two ahead of my relationship with him and my new colleagues?" Her tone was cold, but Amanda only had to look at the jumble of clothes she'd shoved into the shipping container to know she was anything but uncaring.

She took them out and began to fold them in a way that would keep them neat and let Christine see everything that was there. "I'm sorry."

"Not sorry enough to let me back in."

"You're the one who precipitated the break."

"No, I'm just the physician who realized a bone was broken. You're the one who fractured it all to hell." She turned. "I was happy. For one stupid week, I was even blissful. God, a sucker born every minute is right."

"Don't. Don't act like I wasn't in it too. I was. Our time together—I'll always treasure it. If anything happened to Sarek, I'd want you." She waited for Christine to look at her, but she didn't. "I mean that. I really enjoyed it."

She could see Christine stiffen. "I love being the runner-up. Makes a gal feel great." She turned, her look no longer the easygoing mask she'd been wearing. "You won't be welcome if anything happens to him. Just so we're clear. I'm not picking up the pieces of your life for you again."

"But if I were to go first?" Which she probably would. "You'd take him, wouldn't you?"

"You think I want to be second best for him too?" But there was a catch in her voice that made Amanda wonder what she really would do if the path to Sarek were free of her.

"Someone will be next. Who knows—he might love that person more."

"Doubtful." Christine turned back to her task. "And what kind of hell would that be? Being bonded to him and knowing you don't measure up?"

"But that's just it." She could barely get the words out. "I know what he's feeling when he's with you. And you measure up just fine."

"Clearly the problem." She grabbed a t-shirt from the back of a drawer and lobbed it onto the bed. "God forbid we might all care about each other."

Amanda concentrated on the clothing, folding carefully, trying to not create any more wrinkles in Christine's life. "I'm a little lost, Christine."

"News to no one. You need therapy, not a fuck buddy." Christine walked to her, and tipped her chin up. "I'm actually serious. I think you do. This isn't—" She closed her eyes then wiped them when tears leaked out anyway. "This isn't like you. Hurting someone you care about."

"I know." She touched Christine's cheek, wiping the tears away as gently as she could. "I've made such a mess of this."

"I let you. I liked being needed. I liked even more that you were Spock's mother and father. I couldn't have him, but I could have you." She opened her eyes. "I think maybe that's part of why I let you in the way I did."

"I know. I think that's why I came to you. I wish..." She sighed, long and low. "I wish you were his wife. I wish I were your mother-in-law. I wish I could have come to you without all of this." She touched her hair, then gestured back at her room. "I'll consider therapy."

"Okay."

"Will you forgive me? Will we ever be friends again?"

Christine just shrugged.

It was better than a no.

##

Chapel was finishing a report Will needed when she heard his soft cough. "I'm almost done."

"Not why I'm here." He set a beer down on her desk. "That can wait."

She glanced over at him and saw that he looked shaken. "What is it?"

"Starfleet overrode my choice for navigator."

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize you felt that strongly about it."

"I didn't. It's who they are picking that's got me thrown." He took a long pull of his beer. Then another.

She decided to join him in the drowning of sorrows while he worked up to whatever it was he needed to say.

"It hasn't been posted yet. I'm not even supposed to know. But Lori... Thank God for Lori. She knows what this means." He took another drink. "Have you ever had something great and you ran from it?"

"No, but I was just in a relationship with someone who did. It sucks."

He frowned. "I knew you looked happier. And was in a relationship?"

"Yeah. It was great until it suddenly wasn't. Although—if I'm honest—I probably should have known it couldn't work. It just felt so good. Anyway, I ran headlong when I should have been hightailing it the hell out of there. So what's your tale of woe?"

"Deltan."

"Oh. Wow. You ran from a Deltan?"

"Yeah. Go figure. Me a big coward." He put his head down and pretended to be knocking it against the desk. "Doc, shoot me now."

"Do you dislike her that much?"

"The opposite."

"Ohhhhh." She sighed and rested her hand on his head. "You could just implement the James T. Kirk 'Not in the Nest' policy." She laughed softly and wondered how Spock had liked that—Jan had hated it. "And Deltans take an oath."

"Yes, to be celibate. They still fall in love." He sighed. "I'm not sure how to be her captain."

"You'll figure it out. You're the best man I know. And she's coming back to you voluntarily. No way she's not aware who's in charge."

"But you'd think she'd reach out. See what I thought." He sighed. "Let me know where we stand."

"Our problem is thinking anyone's going to do that. We like clarity and instead we get games." She realized she was projecting an awful lot onto this poor Deltan. "I don't even know her. There may not be games."

"She's straightforward. There are no games. Unless they're mutually consensual." He started to laugh.

"How many beers have you had?"

"Just this one." He straightened up and leaned back in the chair. "You can talk me down better than booze can."

"That's why I'm here."

"I'm really glad. I trust you, Christine. I mean that."

"I trust you too."

"No matter what, we have this. Our ship. Our future far from Earth. They may be able to put Ilia on the ship, but that's the last billet. Now it's mine." He held up his bottle. "Now it's ours."

She clinked her bottle against his. "And no one's going to take that away from us."

-- Continue to Part 3 –