DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters
are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are
the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2009 by Djinn. This
story is Rated R.
Passion is the Gale
by Djinn
On life’s vast ocean
diversely we sail,
Reason the card, but
passion is the gale.
- Alexander Pope
It was
unexpectedly hot for San Francisco: a muggy, moon-free night and Chapel sat
sweating on a bench outside Starfleet Medical.
"Miss
Chapel?" Doctor Coulter was calling for her. The man who'd just told her she was doing a
procedure wrong--a procedure she'd done scads of times as a nurse. Old blowhard--the way he was showing them
might be by the book, but out on a ship in the middle of nowhere, by-the-book
took too damn long. People died when you
went by the book--she'd found that out the hard way. Coulter hadn't logged a single minute in
space other than tourist travel. Why in
hell did Starfleet make civilian assignments like this?
"Miss
Chapel?"
Miss. Fucking miss?
She was a lieutenant now. And she
was a resident. Moreover, she'd earned
her M.D. in record time. Probably why
Coulter made it his personal mission to bring her down any chance he got. Rumor was he hadn't earned his M.D. in record
time.
She
ignored him. She'd go in when she was
damned good and ready and she wasn't ready yet.
She heard
footsteps coming up the walk, stared resolutely out at the darkness. The footsteps stopped, and she heard someone
sit, then scoot over until his uniform-clad leg pressed against hers, adding
heat to her already overheated body. A
flask was pressed into her hand; she drank deeply.
"Bad
day at the office, dear?" Jim asked.
"Shut
up." She handed the flask
back. She'd kill for about two more long
pulls on it, but that wasn't good for her, for the work, for anything,
really.
They drank way too much together.
"I
believe that was Coulter calling you."
"No? Really?"
"What
did he do now?" Jim didn't stop at
one pull. Fortunately there was plenty
more booze where that came from.
Top-shelf booze, not the rotgut most of the students drank. Privilege of being an admiral--the only one
that Jim seemed to like.
"Coulter. What'd he
do?"
"Dressed
me down for doing a procedure 'wrong.'"
"Did
you?"
"It
wasn't by the book. But it wasn't wrong,
either."
He laughed
softly. "You sound just like
Bones."
"Well,
I didn't mean to."
He turned
to look at her. "I know why I'm mad
at him, but when are you going to tell me why you are?"
"I'm
not mad at him."
"Doesn't
seem that way to me. Trust me,
Chris. The truth won't hurt."
"Won't
it?" She eased away a little, the
press of his leg suddenly too much.
He seemed
to be waiting for her to say something, let out a slow exhalation of air, and
then murmured, "Lori stopped by."
She could
feel her mouth tightening. "You're
a real bastard sometimes."
"No,
Chris. These days I'm a real bastard all
the time." He took another
pull. "She wanted to give us
another try."
"Do
you want that?"
"Not
while we're together. We are still together, aren't we?"
"Yes. We are."
It was strange. Them. Together.
Jim Kirk and her. She hadn't looked for it. Hadn't even considered it. But he'd been spending a lot of time in the
officers' club and so had she. He liked
to play pool and so did she. They both
were often irritated by the world in general and their colleagues in
particular. And sex seemed to make them
feel better. As did
the alcohol. She wasn't sure
which was the better numbing agent.
But that
he had to ask if they were together was not a good sign of how well they were
communicating. But then again, she
wasn't certain communication was as much the goal as some form of connection.
Again he
seemed to be waiting for more.
"Well, there you go: we're together. So you see, Doctor Chapel, I couldn't
entertain her invitation."
She met
his eyes, smiled. "I love it when
you call me that."
"I
know. Why do you think I do
it?" He oomphed as she elbowed him lightly. "Well, it's possible I might like
calling you that."
"So
what are you going to tell Lori when I'm in space and you're not?" It was a valid question but it came out all
wrong. Harsh--she hadn't meant to be
harsh.
"I
don't really look that far ahead for us."
She closed
her eyes, trying to bury the slap of his words.
Jim wasn't exactly a novice in giving back as good as he got these
days. It seemed like everything happy,
everything noble in him, was being eaten away with each day at his desk.
And that was
why she was mad at Len. Because he'd been right.
Jim should never have left space.
But he had, and now she sat with him, together but still stinging from
the cruelty she was relatively sure neither of them meant to let loose.
She fought
to keep her voice steady as she asked, "No?" and moved a bit farther
away.
He didn't
answer, just sat quietly, and she finally reached out and touched his
hand.
"I'm
sorry," she said. "I don't
think we bring out the best in each other."
"Maybe
not." He turned
his hand, let their fingers entwine. "Sadly, I'm not complaining about
that."
"No,
I'm not either." She leaned in, gave him a long, lingering kiss that he
returned with the dizzying passion that had made him her favorite
addiction. "I'll see you
tonight?"
"Yep." He got up, stashed his
flask...somewhere. Did he have special
pockets sewn in his uniform?
"Chris?"
She looked
up, could barely see his expression by the light spilling out of the
building. "What?"
He stared
down at her, finally waved whatever it was away like it was silly. "I'll tell you later," he said as
he headed down the dimly lit walk to his apartment.
The
apartment he'd shared with Lori. Her
things were gone, and a few of Chapel's had taken their place. But only a few.
Truth be
told, she really didn't look that far ahead for them, either.
--------------------
They lay
entwined, and Kirk tried not to dwell on the fact that this woman he was
touching and the ship he loved would both soon be leaving him behind.
Unfortunately
it was all he could think about. It had made him surly. Made him almost too rough in bed with
her.
Chris
hadn't seemed to mind. That worried him
almost as much as him being that way.
They
didn't bring out the best in each other.
She'd said it before, more than once.
She'd never said the version that might be more true:
they were bad for each other.
Would they
still be, if he were on the ship and she on Earth? He could be faithful even if he was in space;
he imagined she could be faithful Earthbound.
If he were actually happy, could he make her happy, too?
"Mmmm," she nuzzled his neck, kissing her way down with
the rare tenderness that made him feel cherished. She could be so sweet when she let her guard
down.
"Content?"
he asked, knowing it was the closest they would probably come to happy. Sated.
Drowning and dizzy with sex and the booze that always seemed to be part
of their interludes. Laughing sometimes,
at jokes, but lately they always seemed to be mean jokes. At someone's expense, and he thought they
both were fairly uncomfortable with that.
It wasn't their style, either of them.
They weren't like this.
They
weren't like this. Yet, here they were
being like this.
"You're
thinking too hard," she said in her husky, post-climax voice. "You're wasting time inside your
head."
"When
I could be wasting time inside you?"
He immediately regretted the quick comeback. He felt her pull back and held on
tightly. "I'm sorry. I'm..."
What the hell was he? Mad? Jealous?
Sad--was he sad that the woman he lov--
He'd never
told her that he loved her. Tried not to
think about how much he probably did.
The word "love" had no place in their interaction.
Then why
did he sense he'd miss her more than he'd ever missed Lori?
"You
know, maybe it'd be a good idea if I headed up to the ship early." There was something broken in Chris's
voice. Something that said he'd shot too
deep this time.
"Don't."
"Maybe
that'd be best. Just get up to the ship
and Decker."
Decker. Damn her.
She knew what to say to make it hurt.
She could shoot deep, too.
"Yes,
wouldn't want you to miss any quality time with him."
"You
recommended him."
"So I
did." He felt his anger
rising. Other parts of him were rising
too. The roughness wasn’t over, even if he felt he should be tender with her
and let her know that he'd miss her.
That he lov--cared about her.
"What?" She was studying him. She missed so little and yet missed the
biggest thing of all.
"Just
lie back and be quiet." He pressed
her into the bed, then grinned. "Or you can make noise. If you want."
She made a
lot of noise, and he made a lot of noise, and in the end, the noise was spent
and they lay together wrapped in each other's arms.
He
pretended he was asleep when she started to cry.
----------------
She'd done
her best to avoid Jim. He wasn't
supposed to be on the ship, wasn't supposed to steal it away from Decker. But
he had.
And now
Decker was gone and Jim was back--for good, apparently.
And she
knew exactly where that left her--where that left them.
He hadn't
said much to her. She'd said even less
to him. Especially once the 800-pound
Vulcan gorilla had walked onto the bridge and then tried to mind meld with an
inhuman killing machine. Ironies of irony,
Spock was now much more human than he'd ever been.
Jim and
she hadn't spoken much about Spock when they'd been together. That had probably not been a good thing.
"A
word, Doctor?" Jim sounded like the
consummate professional. His eyes gave
nothing away as she walked into the deputy CMO's office and waited for him to
close the door.
God help
her, but she wished he'd kiss her. Or
ask her if she was glad to see him, which she was. Or compare notes on what it was like to be
sober for this many hours in a row with no desire to down a few belts to make
life go by better.
Well,
almost no desire. It would all depend on
what he had to say.
"You
know I'm staying, right?" His voice
was a little off--tentative, maybe.
"I
heard." Not from him, but she'd
heard.
"Then
of course you know that our relationship is..."
She saved
him the effort of searching his mental thesaurus for synonyms for dead and
rotted. "Over?"
"Yes. Over."
She
studied him, tried to see some sign that this was hurting him and failed. "You say that with such ease."
"No,
Chris. I really don't." He turned, but paused at the door. "We had fun, right?"
Fun. The way he said it was like a knife torn
through her belly. "Sure we
did." She fought to keep her voice
even. If he didn't care, she'd pretend
she didn't, either.
"Nothing
more." He didn't look at her, and
she couldn't tell if she was imagining the slight rise at the end of the
sentence.
Would it
matter if he was asking her? Would it
help to tell him that she'd fallen in love with him? She knew his rules, and one of his biggest
was he didn't sleep with his crew. She
only had to look at Jan's history with him to understand that. And Jan had always been far more enticing
than Chapel had ever been. Especially to him.
"I'm
thinking about transferring." She
saw him stiffen.
He half
turned. "Jesus, Chris. Grow up." Then he walked out and the door slid closed
behind him.
She leaned
back on her desk, breathing deeply, willing herself not to cry. Not over him.
Not over this. Over them--had
there even been a them?
She took a
deep, ragged breath and went out to find something--anything--to do in the cold
new sickbay.
--------------
Kirk
watched the two Irellian women give him the eye. The tradition here ran to multiples. And they were good looking people. He smiled, but then turned away when he heard
a familiar laugh.
Chris was
talking to Spock. Talking to Spock, not talking at
him or even chasing after him. Talking
to him. And he was talking back. In fact, he looked damned comfortable
monopolizing her at the end of the table.
And whatever he was saying was funny enough to make her laugh heartily.
Goddamn
fucking emotions. Spock had to go on a wanderjahr now to explore his feelings? And with her? He couldn't take advantage of Uhura or anyone
else on the ship?
He had to
go for Kirk's girl?
Shit. Not good.
He had to stop thinking like that.
He forced his gaze away from his best friend and his...whatever the hell
she was, and smiled again at the Irellian women. They got up and came over to him, laughing as
they pulled him up and onto the dance floor.
He lost
himself in the two voluptuous beauties until he realized that Spock was dancing
with Chris. Spock danced? Since when did Spock dance?
Spock was
holding Chris tightly, his hand altogether too low on her back, nearly on her
ass. What the hell?
"Captain
Kirk, you seem distracted," one of the women--Maruva
or something--said softly.
"No. No, I'm fine." If fine was being ready to rip his friend's
head off. Or maybe
Chris's. Was she enjoying this?
Spock
turned, and Chris was suddenly staring at Kirk, and he saw a flash of hurt as
she took in his dance partners.
So she did
care.
He smiled
tightly and she did the same. Then she
pulled gently out of Spock's arms, murmured something, and walked to the bar.
"Excuse
me, ladies," Kirk said as he followed Chris, leaving the lovely duo to
hopefully console Spock.
"You
seem to be having fun," she said just before she downed a small glass of
the local fire water.
"Could
say the same for you." He downed a
glass, too, and felt it burn all the way to his gut. "I seem to remember you mentioning you
were over him."
"I
seem to remember you implying you didn't care.
That we just had...fun." She
turned to look at him as she grabbed another glass; her eyes seemed to drill
into him. "Chin chin,
Captain." Down the drink went.
"Well,
fun may have been an exaggeration." He downed the glass and slammed it on
the counter, earning a baleful look from the Irellian
barkeep. He glared back and threw
another drink back. His head was
spinning and his throat was burning.
"Do you want to dance?"
"Yes,"
she said, then held up a finger for him to wait as she slammed back a drink to
bring her up to equal with him. "By
all means, let's dance."
It wasn't,
strictly speaking, dancing. It was more
like a war. Or perhaps
vertical sex without kissing or clothes coming off. They got more than a few surprised looks.
"I
really don't like you right now, Chris.
Couldn't you wait till we were cold to take up with my best
friend?"
"I
haven't taken up with him. I was just
dancing. An activity that was, frankly,
a lot more pleasant with him than with you."
"He
wants you."
"He's
horny, Jim. The meld with V'ger had some residual effects. And you don't have to worry. I'm just a nice warm body."
"How
nice? How warm?"
"None
of your business."
Kirk felt
dizzy from the powerful booze and worried that he might actually fall
down. "I feel sick."
"Me,
too." She pulled away. "But in my case, it’s not the drink
that's causing my nausea."
He gave
her the look that used to make her laugh, the one that said, "Sure, it
isn't." He expected her to get
angry or to stomp away.
But she
laughed. "Okay, maybe it is that
horrible booze. Damn. I haven't been drinking much lately. I'm out of practice. Spock's more a tea kind of guy."
Kirk took
a deep breath. "Are you...with
him?"
"No. But he's actually...nice to me. He wants me, but he's not pushing it. He's...talking to me."
"Talking."
She looked
down. "Like we used to do, when we
weren't having sex. I miss that. I'm lone--"
Was
she? Was she lonely? Because he sure as hell
was.
Kirk felt
a tap on his shoulder, turned to see Spock standing there, the unnerving little
post-V'ger smile in evidence. "Cutting in, old friend?"
Spock
lifted an eyebrow, looked from Kirk to Chris and back again. "Is that a problem, Jim?"
"Not
at all." He surrendered Chris to
Spock and made a speedy getaway to the local side of the festivities. The Irellian women
found him again. This time, he followed
them back to their apartment instead of to the dance floor.
He didn't
look back to see what Chris thought of that.
---------------------
The room
seemed cooler and Chapel rolled over on her stomach so she could look at
Spock. "Did you adjust the
temperature for me?"
"You
did not seem to relish Vulcan high summer." His mouth tilted up just a bit in the smile
she was starting to get used to after weeks of sharing his bed. It had been much broader right after V'ger. But now she
was probably the only one seeing it.
She
and Spock. Finally together. After she watched Jim walk off with his curvy
bimbos, pairing up with Spock--someone who actually wanted her and was willing
to do something about it--had been the least she could do. She'd felt guilty, though. The first few times. But now, after watching Jim walk off with
more alien tarts, she barely gave it a thought.
It didn't
hurt at all. That Jim didn't want
her. Or that he did but wouldn't take
her.
Or that
she might be using Spock in all this.
Not that he appeared to care very much--he was definitely enjoying the
sex.
She leaned
down and kissed him, making it tender and sweet. "That's for cooling this place off. I didn't like high summer." Especially not after the athletic and inventive
sex they usually had. Spock seemed to be
one curious fellow when it came to novel--and sometimes scary--positions. "I'm worn out. You've done me in this time, Spock."
He ran his
fingers through her hair the way she liked.
His eyes narrowed, and his lips tightened as he touched her. "Jim asked me if we would be spending
the upcoming shore leave together."
"You
and him?" She laughed softly.
"No,
Christine, you and I." Spock did
not seem amused. And he usually enjoyed
her strange sense of humor. "Why,
do you imagine, he would want to know this?"
She could
see this mattered to him. He'd asked her
about Jim once, that night after Jim had left with the Irellian
women: "Is there something between you?" She'd given him the most puzzled look she
could muster and murmured something about Jim not having been the one she'd
stalked all those years during their first mission together.
Of course
her behavior with Jim on the dance floor had probably given lie to her attempt
to misdirect. Spock had seemed to accept
it though. He'd also seemed amenable to
returning to the ship with her, escorting her to his quarters, ripping her
clothes off, and screwing her senseless.
Spock had even seemed happy, in a toe-curling, hair-on-end, really good
orgasm way.
Now, he
didn't look happy at all.
She kissed
him again, and he let her, but then he pushed her gently away. "Why does he care, Christine?"
"Probably
just accounting for the whereabouts of his crew. How many shore leaves have gone badly for
this ship's crew, after all."
Probably only about two, but maybe he'd fall for it.
He gave
the Vulcan version of an eye roll.
"He said nearly the same thing when I asked him." Spock let her go, moving to sit up, the covers falling around his hips as he leaned back and
studied her. "When is one of you
going to admit that you care for the other?"
His
disappointment in her was palpable. It
stung only slightly less that he seemed just as disappointed in Jim.
She felt
anger rising--or maybe it was guilt, finally putting in an appearance. "That's an odd question coming from the
man whose bed I share most nights."
"Not
odd. After all, I am fully cognizant
that if Jim would have you, my bed would be much colder." He sighed, a short little puff of air.
"This
is a ridiculous conversation."
"That
would be more comforting if you would deny what I said." He touched her face, his expression
rueful. "I am fully aware of his
self-imposed rules regarding fraternization."
"Self-imposed? So you think he should have jumped Jan all
those years ago?"
"That
would have been inappropriate. She was
in his chain of command. You, however,
are not. You are independent. It is why I allow myself to enjoy you."
"Enjoy?"
"I do
enjoy you. Your
company. This sharing of intimate
pleasures."
"So...it's
just fun." God help her--once
again, she was doing great in the "Miss Right Now" contest.
"It
is more than just fun, Christine. But I
do not give us much more time."
Had he and
Jim been practicing cutting lines to use on the woman they were screwing? Because assigning a short shelf life was a
winner. She slid the covers off and
moved away from him.
He stopped
her, his grip like iron. "Ask me
why I do not give us much time."
"No. I don't care."
"Very
well, I will tell you anyway. Because
eventually, Jim will realize he wants you back, and his rules will cease to
matter, and he will take you from me."
His voice was emotionless, but his eyes burned.
"What
if I won't go?"
"You
will. If I thought you would stay, we
would not now be having this conversation."
She felt
trapped. And off
balance. Where was this coming
from? Why did he have to bring Jim up
and ruin what had been a fun night? She
tried to wrench herself free from his grasp and he tightened it. "And you will just let me go?"
"He is my best friend." His hand relaxed, then he released her.
"If
you're such good friends, shouldn't you have stayed away from me in the first
place?"
"Quite
possibly. If I had
known. If you
had been honest with me. But you
were not, and truthfully, I am not certain I was in any state to
care." Again the little half
smile. "The post-meld effects were
intense. My desire raged. And even once I concluded you had been in
some kind of relationship with him, I knew he would not take you right away. In fact, it might well be my relationship
with you that will spur him to action. You
are my friend, now too, Christine. I
believe you love him. If he reclaims
you, then you will be happier than you are now."
"And
if he doesn't?"
"Then
I will keep you. And I will do my utmost
to make you nearly as happy."
Something
in his voice made her wince. She
realized it was hopelessness. "It's
a win-win for me," she said gently.
"What about you?"
"I am
not sure I matter in this, not in the end."
"That's
not right." He should matter. He was kind--kinder than she ever
imagined. And good in
bed. He was smart and everything
she'd thought he'd be--maybe even more--when she'd fantasized endlessly about
him.
He was all
those things, but her heart still beat faster when she saw Jim. She'd stopped drinking the way she'd done
during med school. Knew he'd stopped
drinking as heavily, too. But he was
still a drug to her. She felt dizzy and
intoxicated around him. Even when they weren't doing more than glaring. Which they did a lot these
days.
"It's
not right that you don't matter, Spock."
Was she trying to convince him--or herself?
"I am
resigned to this, Christine. Now, since
our relationship is likely to end in the near future, may we turn our attention
back to sex?" He moved closer and
kissed her hard.
She knew
the rest of the night wouldn't be gentle.
He'd possess her for as long as he could.
And then
he'd let her go.
If
he was right. If Jim actually broke his
unbreakable rule. Which seemed
less likely to her with every day that passed.
-----------
Kirk watched
Spock study the chess board. His friend
sat calmly, occasionally looking at Kirk in his normal, untroubled way.
He was
fucking Chris and he could sit there as if nothing was wrong.
"You
seem distracted, Jim." Spock chose
a piece, moved it down one level.
Kirk
barely glanced at the board as he moved something somewhere. "Nope."
"You
may take that move back if you want."
Kirk was
spoiling for a fight, had been for weeks now.
"And just why would I want to do that?"
"Primarily
because it was illegal." Spock
sounded amused, damn him.
Kirk
glanced at the board. His move was
illegal, but he folded his arms over his chest and said in his
captain-being-diplomat voice, "Let's pretend it's not."
"The
same way you pretend that I am not with the woman you care for?" Spock's amusement disappeared; he looked
almost sad.
Kirk felt
the fight go out of him. Then it came
roaring back and brought friends with it.
"What? You want to talk
about it...now? You've been with her for
how long, and we've never broached the subject."
"I
believe it is time for us to discuss this."
"Why?"
"Because
I have grown to care for her. And I will
soon be unable to give her up."
"Give
her up? To whom?" What the hell was Spock talking about?
"To
you, Jim. I know that she loves
you."
It was
good news. Unusable. Damned inconvenient. But good news.
On the
other hand, she was still making the beast with two backs with someone who was
not him. "Well, old friend, she
looks pretty damned happy with you."
"Nevertheless."
"She's
on my crew, Spock. You know my
rules."
"I
do." Spock leaned in, steepling his fingers as if this were a logic question and
not a matter of the heart--and parts lower.
"I also believe, in this case, your rules do not need to apply. But you need to believe that. I would ask that you have your epiphany
sooner rather than later."
"What? You want me to storm your quarters and
challenge you for the woman?"
"I'd
prefer you try talking to her. I have
been given to understand that your relationship in the past was not the most
positive one."
"Have
you?"
Spock
nodded slowly. "Perhaps the two of
you could work on that?"
"Sooner. Rather than later."
"Yes. As a favor to me."
Kirk felt
something tighten in him and leaned forward, pitching his voice low. "You're goddamn enjoying this."
"No,
Jim, I am not enjoying this. Soon I will
not enjoy watching her go to you. But
right now, it is true that I am enjoying her.
But I am your friend. She loves
you more than she will ever love me. I
believe you love her. It is only logical
that I get out of the way of that love."
"Logical? And I suppose it was logical to take up with
her in the first place?"
Spock's
lips quirked only a tiny bit. He had
lost the post-V'ger expressions. "No, it was not logical to embark on
this affair. It was, in fact, entirely
emotional. A result of the meld, as I
think you well know. What was logical
was my decision to continue the affair, even after my emotional instability had
worn off, even after I knew what she felt for you."
"That
was logical? How so?" This was going to be good.
"If I
had left her, then she might--in fact most probably would have--found someone
else on the crew to be with. And that
person might not have been so amenable to yielding the right of way to
you. As you are my friend, and your
happiness matters to me, staying with her seemed advisable."
Kirk
laughed tightly. "I'm supposed to
believe the only reason you're with her is to keep her safe for me?"
"I
did not say that was the only
reason. I said that was the logical
reason."
"But
in the meantime--just to get things straight--you're going to keep fucking
her?"
"Yes. I am a good friend, Jim, even if you are
having difficulty believing that at the moment.
I am not, however, a martyr."
He made a move that Kirk immediately saw doomed him. "Checkmate."
-----------
Jim looked
as angry as Chapel had ever seen him; she thought twice before joining him in
the nearly empty mess. She wanted to
turn and walk out when he waved her over as if she was a rank ensign, afraid to
approach her C.O.
"Words
fail you, Jim?" She slid into the
seat across from him. "I don't like
being waved over."
"So
leave." His voice was about three
levels beyond surly.
"I
don't even know why I'm here."
He cocked
his head, grinned unpleasantly.
"Because your lover thinks we should talk."
"I
really don't know why."
"I
tend to agree."
She
suddenly wished she'd gotten coffee before sitting down. Something to fiddle with, to ease the tension
that lay between them like the alvithium fog on the
mining planet they'd just left. "I
can leave."
"Or I
can." He sighed. Then laughed softly, the self-deprecating
laugh that she used to love. "Well,
now that we've established our mutual mobility..."
"I'm
going to get some coffee. Do you want
some?"
He
nodded. "Black."
"I
know how you like your coffee, Jim. I
know how you like your eggs. I know how you like your steak." She knew even better how he liked his drinks
and his sex. She rose slowly. "I'll be back in a sec."
She
thought she could feel his eyes on her, but when she turned around, he was
staring down at the tabletop, as if the pattern held some secret code. She got the coffees and walked back to the
table. "Can we start over,
Jim?"
"This
conversation? Or us?"
"The
former." She wasn't sure how they'd
start over with them. Not coming
together on Earth--given their moods and situations--seemed unlikely. Not breaking up once he took back his ship
seemed even more so.
Jim smiled
tightly. "All right. I'll go first. Do you love Spock?"
"Aren't
you supposed to take an easy shot first?
Warm up? Practice? Take pity on your partner?"
"No. Answer the question."
"I do
love him. He's good. And kind. Nice to me.
Easy to love." She could
tell Jim understood what she was saying by the way his lips twitched--he looked
far too satisfied.
He leaned
forward. "Easy to be in love
with?"
It was the
crucial difference. If Spock had run
into V'ger before she and Jim had come together, then
she'd probably be able to answer the question in a way that did honor to
Spock. But they hadn't come together
then, and she wasn't in love with him, no matter how much she loved him, no
matter how engaging the sex or nice he
was.
She was in
love with the man she currently wanted to throw her coffee at.
"Silence
means assent, generally." He smiled
slowly. "But I don't think in this
case it does. Does it, Chris?"
"What difference does it make? You
have your rules. And I'm not leaving the
ship. I took your advice and grew the
hell up."
"I
told you that because I didn't want you to leave. But...maybe I shouldn't have."
"Why,
because if I had shipped off, you wouldn't have to watch me with Spock?"
"Yes. Exactly because of that." He hadn't touched his coffee, leaned back and
studied her. "I don't understand
what's between us. I don't even know if
it's healthy."
"I
don't either." She looked down,
couldn't meet his eyes as she said, "Spock seems to think it's inevitable,
though."
"Yes,
I know. Although he made it clear he
didn't plan to quit having sex with you until the inevitable happened."
She found
herself laughing softly. "He's
pragmatic that way."
"Ever
logical." Jim leaned in. "Did you know he's saving you for
me?"
"Don't
make fun of him." She felt
protective. And
guilty.
"I
wasn't. He told me that."
"He
loves me."
"I
gathered that." One side of his
mouth tilted up. "Too bad you don't
feel the same way."
"We're
going in circles."
"I'm
not sure there's anywhere else to go."
He rose slowly. "Think about
asking for a transfer. It may be the
kindest thing for all of us."
She looked
up. "I hate you." But really, she hated herself. For thinking Spock might be right. For...hoping.
"Think
about it, Chris." And he walked
away, shoulders straight, stride even.
-------------------
Kirk
stared at the transfer request. It
wasn't from Chris. It was from Spock.
"Kirk
to Doctor Chapel."
"Chapel
here."
"Where
exactly is here?"
There was
a long silence. "Spock's
quarters."
"Perfect. My quarters.
Now. And bring your
paramour." He cut the connection,
then immediately wondered what the hell he thought he was going to say to
either of them.
It took
them a while to come over. Since Spock's
room was just down the corridor, Kirk's mind ran wild on all the possibilities
of what that might mean they'd been doing.
By the time his chime sounded, he was mad as hell.
They were
both in uniform, but there was something in Spock's eyes that Kirk couldn't
read.
"I
got your transfer request."
Chris
looked shocked. "I nev--"
"Not
yours. His."
She looked
at Spock. "You want to leave?"
"I do
not." He met Kirk's eyes, then looked at Chris.
"But I do not find this tenable.
I know that it is unwise for us to progress further in our relationship,
Christine. Yet I am unable to leave you
if Jim will not take you. My absence
will solve both of my problems."
"Transfer
denied. I need you, Spock."
"And
she needs you, Jim. I will stay if you
and she reconcile."
Chris spun
on him. "This is not how this
works. It's not the human way."
"I am
only half human. That half has grown
tired of this situation. I am offering a
simple trade. I will leave and withdraw
my transfer request if tomorrow the two of you begin to rekindle what you
had."
"I'm
denying your request," Kirk said.
"And I don't have to do anything else, Spock. Your bargain offers me nothing I don't have
already."
Spock met
his eyes. "If you deny my transfer,
I will return to Vulcan. You know my
situation--my freedom to come and go--is somewhat unique."
"You'd
leave me?" Chris asked softly.
Spock nodded
slowly, and Kirk could see the regret in his eyes. The look in Chris's eyes was more like anger.
"Spock,
if you want to get rid of her so bad, we could just leave her on the next
planet."
Nobody
laughed or even smiled.
"You're
both idiots. I'm standing right
here. I have a say in all this. And I don't like being treated like a
thing." Chris glared at both of
them, and turned on her heel and walked out of the room.
"Guess
she told us."
"Her
response was predictable." Spock
stepped closer, put a hand on Kirk's shoulder, and grasped gently. "We were talking when you commed us. About you. She and I
have not made love since the two of you talked in the mess. I suggest you go discuss that with her. Now rather than tomorrow."
"Now?"
"Yes,
Jim. Now."
Spock
gripped a little tighter, then let go of him and turned to leave.
"If
you could keep her, you would?"
"It
is not in my nature to dwell on what cannot be." Spock palmed open the door, turned to meet
Jim's eyes, waited until he got some semblance of Kirk's normal smile, then
left.
Kirk took
a deep breath. "If I'd known it was
going to get so weird..."
-----------
Chapel
ignored the first three chimes. She was
throwing things into her carryall. They
were nowhere near a Starbase and she knew Jim
wouldn't let her have a shuttle. Maybe
she could steal one?
Her door
slid open and she spun around.
Jim
entered, holding up his hands as if she was a dangerous animal about to
attack. "You didn't answer. I got worried."
"You
had no right to use your override."
"Maybe
not." He glanced at her bags. "If I bring some clothes over, can we
throw them in there, too? We could run
off to Risa and let Spock have the ship." He laughed softly. "Maybe that's his master plan?"
She fought
a smile. "I don't think that's what
he wants."
"No. I don't really think so, either." He walked around her, sat down on the bed,
moving the carryall over.
"I'm...I'm tired, Chris."
He reached for her slowly, and she let him draw her closer, till she was
standing between his legs. "He's
defeated me."
She
couldn't resist running her fingers through his hair, smiling as he sighed and
wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in.
"I don't want you defeated. I want strong Jim."
"Oh,
I'm strong Jim. In every way but
this." He looked up at her. "I love you. I never told you."
"I
never told you, either." She traced
his chin, felt the familiar pound-pound-pound of her heart when it was in close
proximity to the Kirk magnetism. "I
didn't mean to use Spock. But...I may
have done it anyway. I thought you'd
never let me back in. And you had all
those women."
"I
did. They weren't you." He began to run his hands up and down her
sides. "Spock said it's been a
while since the two of you were together?"
"Since
you and I talked--or whatever that was--in the mess." She could see in his eyes that he'd been
waiting to see if she'd say that; he was checking out her story, making sure it
was the same as Spock's. "He...he
felt it was best. He always thought we'd
get here." She looked down. "I didn't know he was going to ask for a
transfer. I would have left the ship if
I had."
"I
know." He sighed and buried his
face against her uniform.
She
knocked the carryall off the bed, then sat next to him, shoulder to shoulder,
and closed her eyes.
Pound. Pound.
Pound. Only she wasn't sure if
it was her heart, his heart, or both of them beating together.
"I
missed you, Jim. We're different
now. We're not on Earth. You're not unhappy at a desk. I'm not striving to prove myself. We're...safe."
"Safe."
"Do
you think we work when we're safe?"
"I
guess we'll find out."
She nodded
and waited.
"Should
we find out now?"
"I
think so." She couldn't help but
smile at the hope in his voice. She knew
he'd hear it echoed in hers.
He didn't
take off her clothes. He didn't kiss her
hard. They didn't pull out the booze to
help them relate. They both scooted up,
facing each other on the nearly too small bed.
He smiled, and she did too, and then he leaned in and kissed her. Tenderly.
Lovingly.
She kissed
him back the same way.
They took
their time. Uniforms peeled back slowly,
skin revealed only to be kissed. By the
time they were fully naked, she was shaking.
He was breathing hard and he grinned at her and said, "I can't take
this anymore."
And she
nodded and let him pull her on top of him, riding him faster and harder until
she came and then he followed her.
They lay
together, not speaking, just quiet, and the last thing she heard before she
fell asleep was him whispering that he loved her.
----------------
The rec
room was crowded. Kirk saw Spock come
in, scan the room, take in Chris sitting at Kirk's side, and seem to pause, as
if unsure what to do.
As one,
they waved him over.
Kirk suddenly
had the sick feeling that the crew was going to eat this up.
For a
moment, Spock's eyes held a sadness that Kirk had never seen. Then he seemed to pull himself into Vulcan
stoicism, his walk unhurried, his hands behind his back, as he joined their
table.
"Where
have you been hiding?" Chris asked softly.
"I
had an experiment that required constant attention." Spock almost looked as if he believed the
lie.
"I
hope it's going well?" She reached
out, then pulled her hand back at the last minute. Kirk suddenly realized that the fact that she
and Spock had a history might never cease to be awkward.
"It
is progressing." Spock looked at
Kirk. "You two are well?"
"We
are." He smiled, trying to let his
friend know he appreciated the sacrifice.
Even if he would never, ever understand how he could do it. "But since Chris abhors chess, can I get
a game?"
"Now?" Spock sounded very surprised.
"Yep." He looked at Chris, who got up and said,
"I have friends I've been neglecting.
Have fun, you two."
Kirk
noticed that both he and Spock watched her walk away.
Awkward
might be an understatement.
Spock
turned back, his expression just slightly sheepish. "I apologize."
"No
need. You ogle; I know I'm with someone
worth ogling."
"Thank
you, Jim."
"No,
my friend. Thank you. I couldn't have done what you did. But I'm glad you did it." Kirk got up and retrieved a chessboard, then
began to set it up. "I promise to
play with less distraction than in the past few months."
Spock's
lip turned up slightly. "I am
afraid it is I who may be distracted.
This is...educational. I believe
they call this heartbreak."
Kirk
wasn't sure what to say. He was
relatively sure they called it that, too.
"Well, you were patient with me.
Now it's my turn to be patient with you."
Their eyes
met for a moment, perfect understanding colored by regret and pain and the
knowledge that one of them had had to give up something important for the
other.
"I'm
glad you're our friend, Spock."
"I
shall always be that."
With a
smile, Kirk made his first move.
Strategic. Daring.
And above
all designed to protect his damn queen.
FIN