DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2002 by Djinn. This story is Rated PG-13.
A Matter of Life and Death
by Djinn
Sovar waited patiently as
Spock signed the invoices that the Starbase Six quartermaster had
transmitted. "This is the last one,
sir," he said, handing over the padd.
Spock read it quickly. "If the Starfleet proctors had arrived
on time we would not need to arrange for a shuttle to bring Commander Kettering
back to Vulcan."
"Yes, sir," Sovar
agreed, trying not to react to Spock's only partially concealed annoyance.
"Testing an untried
recruit is reasonable, but I see no logic in these recertifications. For an experienced officer, performance and
the evaluation of a superior officer should be sufficient."
"I'm sure Lieutenant
Commander Kettering will perform admirably." Sovar knew the captain had been helping the
chief engineer prepare.
Spock handed him the
padd. "And you may tell Commander
Farrell that her request for leave has been approved."
"As well as Lieutenant
Ritsuko's?" Sovar prompted. It was
not like Spock to miss details.
Spock nodded
distractedly. "Yes, hers too. They can share Commander Kettering's shuttle
to Vulcan."
"Very well,
sir." Sovar turned to go.
"We will be taking on a
passenger before we leave Starbase Six, Mr. Sovar."
Sovar looked over at Spock
quizzically. He had seen nothing in the
correspondence about this. "Sir?"
Spock sighed, seemingly
irritated at the question, and Sovar wondered again at the slight break in
control. The captain usually strove to
be more Vulcan than most full Vulcans, especially in front of Sovar. "I'm sorry, sir. I don't mean to pry if it is a private
matter."
"It is a private
matter." Spock leaned back in his
chair. "But there is no reason not
to tell you that it is the Priestess T'Clev who will be going back to Vulcan
with us. She will need quarters
arranged."
It was unusual for a
priestess to be so far from home. Only
those from the temple of T'Lyar traveled routinely and they had one
role... He looked up at Spock, suddenly
understanding why his captain had seemed a bit more emotional of late. "Sir, I beg pardon. If there is anything I can do?"
Spock shook his head. "There is no need. We will be on Vulcan before this becomes an
issue."
And if not, Sovar silently
finished for him, T'Clev will be here already.
He could not fault Spock's planning.
"I will see to her quarters, Captain."
"Thank you. She will be arriving in a few hours."
"And our next
mission?"
"As yet
undetermined. We have a few refits
scheduled at Vulcan. I've authorized
shore leave for the crew."
Sovar raised an eyebrow. "I've heard it said by other species
that shore leave on Vulcan is less than desirable."
Spock seemed amused. "It does lack the basic
entertainments." He dismissed the
thought. "They will have to find
some other way to amuse themselves then."
His expression darkened.
"Some have no problem with that."
Sovar looked down. This was another lapse due to the
burning. They would become more
frequent. He would ignore them as was
the custom.
"You are dismissed, Mr.
Sovar."
Sovar left the bridge and
returned to his own office on deck eight.
He arranged for quarters in the currently unused VIP section, thinking
that the priestess might appreciate some privacy. He supposed a life spent in the intimate
fires of Pon Farr might cause one to yearn for more isolated space.
A few hours later, he
received a hail. "The Priestess
T'Clev requests permission to board, Mr. Sovar," the transporter officer
relayed.
"I will be there
immediately," Sovar replied as he hurried down to the transporter
room. He nodded to the lieutenant on
duty and the transporter shimmered. The
woman that appeared bowed gracefully.
Returning the gesture, he said, "I am Mr. Sovar, Captain Spock's
assistant. He asked me to meet
you." Sovar suddenly wondered if
the priestess would take the captain's absence as an insult.
But she seemed unaffected as
she stepped off the platform. "Most
kind of you to meet me, Mr. Sovar. I am
tired from my journey. It would be
agreeable to see my quarters."
"Of course, this
way."
Once they were in the
corridor, he turned to her. "You
have traveled far from our home."
"It is the nature of my
work." Neither of them sought to
elaborate on that point. "You too
travel far from Vulcan's sands. Those of
us with the need to wander are ever the mystery to our brothers and sisters
that prefer to remain staunchly where they are."
"Indeed. I have traveled most of my career. First with Ambassador Sarek and now with his
son."
She nodded thoughtfully. "I have heard much of this Spock. What is he like?"
Sovar considered. "He is an impressive diplomat. And an intriguing man. I give him my respect and loyalty with no
reservation."
She nodded. "High praise from one who worked with
Sarek."
"He is very different
than his father," Sovar said.
Except for his strange attraction to human women, he mentally amended.
As if reading his mind,
T'Clev asked, "He has no one close to him?"
Sovar did not know how to
answer so he remained silent.
"Mr. Sovar?"
"He is unbonded. But surely you know that."
"Your answer will help
me to prepare, Sovar." She switched to the personal address easily.
"If there is anyone on
board in whom the captain has an interest, they are not in a position to help
him."
T'Clev did not respond until
they reached her quarters. As Sovar
palmed the door open, she said in a low voice, "This is a
complication. But one I will deal
with. Thank you for your candor."
"Of course."
"If I need discreet
assistance in this matter, may I call upon you?"
"Yes."
She nodded and let the door
close behind her.
--------------------
Realizing she was going to be
late for her own staff meeting if she didn't hurry, Christine saved the report
she was working on and turned to Kavall to ask, "You ready?"
The science officer
nodded. "Whenever you
are."
Christine headed for her
office, saying, "Let's use the rear lift.
It's closer to medical."
They waited for the turbolift to arrive, moving back when the doors
opened and Sovar and a Vulcan female that Christine had never seen before got
out. Christine wondered who the woman
was. Judging from the flowing robes she
wore, she didn't look like a new member of the crew.
"Commander. Lieutenant," Sovar said as he led the
woman off without introductions.
"Who was that?"
Kavall asked when the doors closed.
Christine shook her
head.
"She was really
beautiful."
Christine had thought the
same thing. "Sure, if you like the
graceful gorgeous look."
Kavall laughed. "Friend of the captain's?"
"I don't
know." Her friend's innocent
question hung in the air. Who was the
stranger?
--------------------------
Spock looked up as Sovar led
in the Priestess T'Clev. She was a
classic Vulcan beauty--glossy black hair, patrician features, and a lush
figure. He felt completely unmoved. A sense of relief flooded him. The Pon Farr could not be that close if he
felt no desire for this graceful creature.
Sovar excused himself and
left them alone. Spock offered her a
beverage but she declined.
"I would like to see the
ship."
He nodded. "I thought we might take the midday meal
together. Perhaps a tour before we
dine?"
"That would be
pleasant." Even her voice was
lovely.
"I am grateful that our
schedules were able to coincide in this manner."
She seemed slightly amused by
his avoidance of the true issue. "I
make it my business to be sure my schedule is able to accommodate such
coincidences."
"Of course." He looked down.
"Does my profession
embarrass you?"
He looked up quickly. "On the contrary, you are an honorable
practitioner of an ancient art." He
could feel a small smile turning up his lips.
"It is my condition that embarrasses me."
"It is a fact of Vulcan
nature, Captain Spock. Not one to shout
from the rooftops, perhaps, but also not one to hide from in shame." She leaned forward and in a confidential
whisper said, "I believe it is no longer a secret from outworlders
either."
He nodded, appreciating her
veiled humor. "My reaction is not
logical. But then what Vulcan male is
logical at this time?"
"Indeed."
He stood. "Shall we take that tour?"
She rose and followed him
out. He took her first to the diplomatic
reception areas, then to some of the recreational facilities and the marine
area. He did not realize he was avoiding
one area until she said, "Your ship has a dual mission, does it not?"
"It does."
"Then show me the
medical section. Or is there a reason to
avoid it?"
There was something in her
voice that made him turn to look at her.
Her expression was bland.
"Of course not. This
way."
He showed T'Clev the wards
and laboratory areas. He was leading her
to sickbay when the door to the meeting room opened and Christine backed out,
still deep in conversation with Moorehouse and Carpenter. Not knowing he was there, she turned and
nearly bumped into him. Looking up in
embarrassed amusement, she said, "Sorry, Spock. I'm still working on that 'First, do no harm'
principle."
T'Clev made a small gesture
of appreciation at the quip and Christine turned toward her. As she did, her arm brushed against him and
Spock felt his body react to the touch.
He felt flushed and hot, and a sudden rush of lust overcame him. He looked at T'Clev and realized with a start
that she was watching him with complete comprehension. Christine, fortunately, seemed unaware of the
turmoil she was causing inside him.
She moved away from him, her
attention focused on T'Clev. "We
haven't met. I'm Commander Christine
Chapel, first officer and chief medical officer."
"A pleasure. I am the Priestess T'Clev. Captain Spock was kind enough to offer me a
means of transportation home."
"A fortunate coincidence
that we were at Starbase Six the same time you were." Christine sounded faintly suspicious.
"Yes, it was."
"I was giving T'Clev a
tour. We are going to lunch now."
"You could join
us," T'Clev interjected and Spock silently urged his first officer to
decline.
She did just that. "I'm afraid I can't. Perhaps another time?"
T'Clev nodded
graciously. "Of course." She watched Christine walk off then turned to
Spock. "Lunch then?"
He led her to the mess hall,
which was relatively deserted at this late hour, and offered a few meal
suggestions that he'd programmed into the replicator's databanks. "I'll have whatever you're having,"
she answered as she walked away from him to a secluded table. When he joined her with the food, she said
with just a hint of censure, "You did not mention her, Spock. This will make things more difficult."
"I did not anticipate
this reaction to her."
T'Clev raised an
eyebrow. "Come now. That type of reaction would only be
unanticipated if you were in the final stages of the burning. This early, only the presence of one that has
been previously desired can accelerate the process in the manner her touch just
did."
"You do not know what I
was feeling."
"I am a priestess of
T'Lyar. There is not much I do not know
about the burning...or what you are feeling.
You do realize, don't you, that if you were to be in her company for any
extended period, you would bring on the Pon Farr in full force?"
He had not realized
that. "I do not plan to be in her
company."
"That is wise then. But may I ask why not?"
Spock looked down. "She has chosen another."
"Ah." T'Clev put down her fork. "She does not know how you feel?"
"At this point, she does
not believe I am capable of feeling."
He made a wry face, then regretted it.
"I'm used to the lapses,
Spock. Don't worry that you will offend
me."
"You have seen it
all."
She nodded. "Many times over." She took a sip of the tea Spock had ordered
for her. "Do you wish to speak of
this?"
"Not really."
"Do you need to speak of
this?"
He couldn't stop the small
grin. "You are perceptive."
"It is my duty to be
perceptive. She believes you to be
indifferent to her?"
"When we first worked
together, I was, and there were many years that we did not meet. Then we were brought together for this
mission, and I gained a new appreciation for her."
"But you did not tell
her this?"
"She knew. But recently a...friend died, and when the
commander wanted to help me, I shut her out.
And continued to shut her out. So
now, when I find I have an overwhelming desire to be with her, it is too late
because she has moved on."
T'Clev considered what he had
said. "But in the past she was not
unmoved by you?"
"In the past, she loved
me. It was I who was unmoved by
her." He turned back to his
food. "It is immaterial. She and I are friends now, nothing
more."
T'Clev accepted that he wanted
to end the conversation. "As you
say." They finished their meal in
silence.
------------------------------------------
Christine was sure that Spock
was avoiding her. He spent no time with
her on the bridge, seeming to prefer to stay in his ready room. She wondered if he was still irritated with
her for going around him with the Pesadii.
But he hadn't mentioned that since he had dressed her down for it.
She got up, saying absently,
"Kimble, you have the conn," and walked up to Spock's ready room
waiting for his instruction to enter.
When she walked in, he looked up and several emotions she couldn't
identify seemed to cross his face.
"Commander, I was just
leaving for a meeting with--"
She didn't let him finish,
"Have I offended you, Spock?"
He was on his feet and
already moving for the rear door.
"Of course not, Commander. I
have had much to do."
She moved to intercept him,
reaching out a hand to stop him. He
flinched back.
"This isn't about the
Pesadii, is it?"
"Why would it
be?" He tried to move around her
but she was blocking the door.
"Christine, please move aside.
I am late." His voice was
controlled, but she had the sense that he was tenser than she'd ever seen
him.
Although once she'd seen him
even more tense. On the Enterprise when
he had been going through... Startled,
she looked up at him. The presence of
the priestess suddenly made perfect sense.
"The burning," she whispered.
"Let me pass."
She reached out to him again
and as he took a quick step back again his expression became angry. "First, do no harm, Christine. Especially when you are in no position to
help."
She dropped her hand, cut by
his words. But she knew he was
right. What did she think she was
doing? With a mumbled, "I'm sorry,"
she turned and went back to the bridge.
She tried not to think about
it for the rest of her shift and failed miserably. When she met Kerr in the marine lounge, he
took one look at her face and asked, "What's wrong?"
She started guiltily. "Oh, just a personnel problem."
"Can I help?" he
asked.
She shook her head. He moved a little closer, not so close that
they looked unprofessional but close enough to affect her. "Can I distract you?"
"Would you?"
"You bet. Drink up, Chapel, and let's get the hell out
of here."
She did as he said and they
headed to his quarters. As the doors
closed behind them, he pulled her into his arms and nuzzled her neck. "One ticket to distraction coming right
up, ma'am."
She grinned and pushed him
toward the bedroom. Spock's condition is
not my concern, she told herself firmly.
This is my choice.
And her choice proceeded to
distract her until they both dropped into an exhausted sleep.
-----------------------
T'Clev was restless, as she
often was in the preliminary phase.
There was little for her to do except prepare for what would come, and
she had done that all afternoon. She
slipped her elaborate outer robes over the simpler under robe she wore during
meditation and left her quarters.
She found the lift immediately
but was unsure where she wanted to go.
While she deliberated, the doors opened again on her floor and a human
male stepped in.
"Are you going to pick a
floor, my dear, or is it your wish to stand in a motionless lift?" His smile took away any sting that might have
been in the words.
"You pick," she
finally said. She had done the same
thing at lunch, she realized. When had
she become so incapable of determining what she wanted?
"Deck three," he
ordered. "I'm going to
Three-Forward. It's one of our
lounges. Some of the crew have formed a
jazz band. I'm going to listen, would
you like to come with me?"
She considered that. Would she like to? She assessed him, trying to determine his
motive.
He seemed to understand her
look. "And how remiss am I? Commander Stephen Penhallon, chief of
protocol in the diplomatic section."
She noticed he did not hold out his hand and her opinion of him rose.
"I like jazz," she
said in what she knew was a tentative voice.
He smiled, ignoring her
moment of awkwardness. "Excellent,
then that's settled." The doors
opened and he walked out, "This way, my dear."
She realized she had not
introduced herself. "I am the
Priestess T'Clev."
"Pleasure." He gestured for her to precede him into the
large lounge. She was intrigued with the
large viewscreens and he noticed her appreciation of the view. "I imagine once people see what we have
here, this type of lounge will become standard Starfleet issue."
"It is
breathtaking."
"And yet most of the
crew no longer see it. I find it sad
that most people allow beauty to become something they take for granted."
She gave him a stern
look.
"What? You are allergic to flattery?" His grin was unrepentant.
"Not allergic. Immune."
"Ah. Pity."
He led her to a table. "May
I get you a drink?'
She almost told him to get
her whatever he was going to have, but she forced herself to pick
something. "I like red wine."
"Red wine it is."
She watched him walk
away. How long had it been since she had
interacted with a man that wasn't in some stage of Pon Farr? she wondered. And how long since one had commented on her
beauty?
The band finished tuning up
just as Penhallon brought their drinks back.
She sipped at the wine and allowed herself to relax. As the music washed over her, she determined
that yes, she did, in fact, like jazz.
"They're quite
good," Penhallon observed as the band took a short break.
"Amateurs bring an
enthusiasm to the activity that professionals often lack." She realized he was looking at her
quizzically. "I have said something
you find strange?"
"No. I was just wondering if that was the voice of
experience?"
She was taken aback and found
herself in the unusual position of not knowing what to say.
"I'm sorry, that was
unpardonably rude of me." He leaned
forward. "You see I'm one of those
amateurs you speak of. Being intensely
interested in anything having to do with the sensual arts, I have undertaken a
study of the habits of different cultures.
The temple of T'Lyar would certainly not escape my notice. Nor would one of its priestesses."
"I don't recall saying I
was from that particular temple?"
He pointed to her ring. "To be good at protocol, one must be
observant."
"I see." She sipped her drink and tried to think of
how to move him off this subject.
He laughed softly. "Don't worry, dear priestess. I won't pry as to why you're here. It's none of my business."
She realized he was
serious. "You are an interesting
man."
"Tell that to the first
officer," he quipped. Looking
toward the entrance, he laughed.
"Speak of the devil."
T'Clev followed his gaze and
saw that Commander Chapel and a human male had joined another couple at a
table. Judging by the proximity and the
frequent glances, T'Clev decided this must be the commander's lover. "I have met the commander. Who are the others?"
"Chief Science Officer
Lieutenant Nevara Kavall and the head of our biomed laboratories Doctor Leon
Redmoon. The man that is so obviously
with the commander is Colonel Randall Kerr, our head of security and special
forces. He's very tough. Also a remarkably nice guy." Penhallon leaned in. "But enough about them. Let's talk about us."
"There is no
us." She raised a single eyebrow,
causing him to laugh.
"Not yet, anyway,"
he said with a wink as the music started up again.
---------------------------
The bridge seemed unusually
tense, and Kavall was trying to pinpoint the epicenter of that tension. Much as she had trouble believing it, Captain
Spock seemed to be the source. He
appeared...distracted. And
uncharacteristically on edge.
The lift opened again and
Christine stepped out, smiling at Kavall before going straight to her
office. Spock glanced in the commander's
direction as her door closed, then turned back to the viewscreen.
Kavall busied herself with
some diagnostics of the aft sensor array.
Something was degrading the resolution on the starboard component and it
had been driving her crazy for days now.
She had made a few corrections but nothing seemed to improve the
performance.
"Have you tried tuning
the resonance capacitor?"
She looked up to see Spock
leaning over her. "I hadn't
considered that it might be the signal recognition." She adjusted some settings and checked the
array.
"Not perfect," he
noted.
"No, sir. But much closer." She grinned at him,
was shocked to see a hint of open amusement color his face for a moment before
a more typically stoic expression took over.
"Thank you, sir."
"I too sat at this post
once," he said and his tone was clearly nostalgic. "On the Enterprise."
"That must have been
exciting." She fully expected him
to admonish her that Vulcans do not feel excitement.
Instead he said only,
"It was."
He straightened abruptly and
began to pace around the bridge. Kavall
could not remember ever having seen him do that. Normally when he appeared somewhat restless,
he would retire to his ready room.
Pacing was reserved for Commander Chapel, who made no bones about
getting bored from sitting too long.
The lift doors opened and
Colonel Kerr stepped out. Spock turned
and studied him and his posture became even tenser. "Colonel," he said tonelessly.
"Captain," Kerr
answered, not appearing to notice anything amiss. He turned and rang the chime to Christine's
office, then disappeared inside.
Kavall worked hard to hide
her smile. She and Leon had begun
spending time with Christine and Kerr during their off hours. Kavall was pleased that her mentor had
finally found someone she could be happy with.
And she loved the way Kerr treated her friend. But their relationship was kept to off
hours. The only reason he would come up
here during the shift was for business.
She looked over at Spock and
realized he was staring at Commander Chapel's door, a strange expression on his
face. Even more confused, she looked
away and saw that Saldusta was watching Spock too. When he finally turned away and resumed
pacing, Saldusta looked over and mouthed to Kavall, "What's with
him?"
Kavall gave a tiny
shrug. Even Myrax was watching the
captain, her normally serene expression replaced with curiosity. Saldusta started to mouth something else then
her face got the distant look that meant she was getting an incoming signal through
the earpiece. "Sir," she
called to Spock. "We're being
hailed."
He turned and raised an
eyebrow. "By whom?"
"A Mr. Dallish. Of Hamash Korelli."
Kavall pulled up the profile
of the planet. "A small colony
planet, sir. A harsh environment but
rich in bentarium, which is currently listed on the Federation's strategic
mineral list and is useful for--"
"I am aware of the
importance of bentarium, Lieutenant."
She blushed. "Yes, sir. Sorry."
He turned away. "On screen, Lieutenant Saldusta."
An extremely wizened man
filled the front viewscreen. "Sorry
to disturb you, Ambassador. I'm Roaz Dallish."
"How can I help you, Mr.
Dallish?" Spock sounded slightly
impatient.
"I know this is a bit
out of the ordinary, sir. But we heard
the Carter would be nearby and I had to take the chance."
"The chance for
what?"
Kavall heard the door open
behind her. She glanced back to see
Christine and Kerr walk out to listen.
"To ask for your
help."
"Do you have a
diplomatic issue, Mr. Dallish? Because I
have no recollection of any difficulty on your planet."
"No, sir. We're a small mining colony. We export bentarium mainly. It's lucrative. But it's also dangerous. This planet is unstable and getting more so
with our operations. We have lost too
many people to cave-ins and landslides.
We know the Federation has the technology to help us stabilize the
geology and we've asked several times but our requests are sitting somewhere,
probably buried in red tape at the Federation Department of Minerals."
"I'm sure that is
frustrating for you, sir, but I don't see how we can help."
"The Federation needs
our bentarium, sir. But unless we can
make it less lethal to mine, we'll have to stop producing it. If you could just come down and take a look,
I'm sure you'd see the merit of our request.
And a nudge from someone of your reputation would go a long way in our
search for relief."
Spock seemed to
consider. "You wish to show me one
of these mines."
"Yes, sir. If you'd like to beam down for a quick tour,
I will have my aide meet you at one of our safer mines."
Spock surprised Kavall by
nodding suddenly. "I believe fresh
air would be beneficial. I will be down
shortly." He turned and nodded to
Saldusta, who cut the connection.
Looking over at Christine, he said briskly, "You have the conn,
Commander Chapel."
Kavall was even more
surprised to hear her friend say, "I believe it would be short-sighted to
go without a medical expert."
Spock turned to look at his
first officer. "I am not convinced
that a medical presence is necessary."
She didn't back down. "I am."
They stared at each other for
several seconds, Christine's expression grimly determined, Spock's unusually
annoyed. He looked away first. "Fine.
Come if you wish. But as I
remember you don't like caves."
Kavall frowned when the
commander winced. Christine had told her
of the icy caverns on Exo III, where she had found what was left of Roger
Korby, the man she'd thought she'd lost forever. Kavall knew Spock had known her then
too. She was shocked that he would say
something that seemed calculated only to hurt.
"I'll manage," her
friend said evenly.
Kerr was watching them with a
frown. Spock turned to him and said,
"You'll want to come too, Colonel. It might be a trap, after all." The captain raised an eyebrow at
Christine. "A security escort might
be a good idea."
Her expression darkened but
she didn't argue with the captain's bizarre suggestion. Kavall commiserated with Kerr, who only
looked more confused. "If you
really think it's necessary, then I'm in."
"Fine." Spock looked over at Kavall. "You have the conn, Lieutenant."
"Yes, sir," she
answered, trying desperately to keep her voice steady.
Christine shot her a weak
grin before following Spock and Kerr out.
Kavall moved to the captain's chair and sat down gingerly. Please, she prayed, don't let anything go
wrong while I'm in charge. And don't let
anything be wrong between Christine and the captain either, she added.
----------**--------------------
The president's aide met them
just outside a large cave. There were
some largish boulders scattered near the entrance. Kerr didn't like the look of them.
"I thought this was a
safe area?"
The young woman smiled
tightly. "Safer. Not safe."
"There's sort of a
difference," Christine said, eying the cave a bit nervously.
"Now you know how we
feel," the aide said as she led the way inside. It was deserted. "We've abandoned operations in here for
now. We mined all the bentarium that was
easily extracted. But this site and many
others like it are still rich with the mineral.
Once we are more sure of the stability, we can begin blasting
deeper."
She handed them portable
lights and led them down several tunnels.
It was easy to see that a great deal of material had been removed from
the rock.
"This is one of our
smallest mines," she said as pulled out a tricorder and scanned the area,
then handed it to Spock.
His eyebrow lifted
severely. "There is this much
bentarium still here?"
She nodded. "And that's just one mine. But we can't get at it without risking
lives. And we don't want to do that when
we know there is help out there."
Spock took the tricorder and
walked back into the main cavern and into another tunnel. "This is remarkable," he said
softly.
"Then I can tell Roaz
that you will help us?"
Spock nodded.
Kerr glanced over at
Christine and saw her eye the entrance of the tunnel. "You want out?" he asked
softly.
"That'd be
nice." She smiled at him and he
grinned back.
A sudden rumbling from the
main cavern wiped the smiles off both their faces. The aide yelled, "Run!" and fled
for the entrance. It took them a moment
to realize what was happening and to run, so she had a good lead when the first
rocks began to fall. Kerr felt something
grab his uniform. He realized it was
Spock as both he and Christine jerked to a halt, their momentum nearly pulling
Spock off his feet as just a few feet away the rocks fell in a deadly
crush. The aide was buried, and so was
the entrance.
Kerr tried to hail the
ship. There was no answer.
"Bentarium in this
quantity will interfere with normal transmissions. To communicate with us, the ship will have to
enhance the signal," Spock explained.
"Do they know
that?" Christine asked softly.
"It will require
experimentation. There is no protocol
for it."
"In other words,
nobody's ever done it before?" Kerr asked.
Spock gave him an odd
look. "I believe that is what I
said, Colonel." He turned to
Christine. "I guess we will find
out just how good your protégé is."
"I guess so."
Kerr frowned. "Meanwhile we are stuck here with no
food, no water, and limited air."
Spock scanned the space. "You are correct that we are without
food. There is fresh water in small amounts
in the third tunnel."
"And the air?"
Christine asked.
Spock pointed up. A small amount of light could be seen at the
top of the cavern. "Fresh air is
available in sufficient amounts."
"But there's no other
way out? One of these tunnels doesn't conveniently
have an exit?"
Spock turned to look at
her. His expression was surprisingly
gentle. "There is no way out,
Commander." He walked over to the
pile of rocks. "Except the way we
came in. I suggest we start moving
them."
Kerr nodded. "With all due respect, sir. Is that necessary if the Carter is going to
find us anyway? Some of these are the
size of boulders. There's no way we can
move them unassisted. And we have no
idea how far out the slide goes.
Shouldn't we just wait?"
Spock handed Christine the
tricorder. "Tell me, Doctor. Do you think we should just wait?"
She scanned him, then raised
her eyes to meet his gaze. Slowly
shaking her head, she said, "We need to get out of here."
Kerr moved toward her. "I know you don't like being in here,
but there's no reason."
"There is every reason,
Colonel," Spock snapped.
Kerr had never heard the
captain use that tone. He looked at
Christine. "Something you want to
tell me?"
"Want? No.
Need to tell you. Yes." She looked over at Spock. "I think you better tell him."
Spock closed his eyes briefly
as if in defeat. Then with an audible
sigh, asked, "How much do you know of Vulcan physiology, Colonel?"
"Not much."
"But you have heard
things?" Christine prompted.
Kerr frowned. "Well, yeah."
"Does the figure seven
years mean anything to you?" Spock
walked deliberately to the rocks and began to move the nearest ones.
Kerr stared at him, then
realization seemed to dawn.
"Oh. Now?"
"No. But soon."
"Very soon," Christine
corrected.
"So that's why T'Clev is
here...but she's not here. She's on the
Carter." Kerr turned to look at
Christine. "She's on the Carter,
but you're here." He began to wrestle the stones out of the pile. "We really need to get out of
here."
----------------
Spock put the rock he was
carrying down and stared at his hands, which had begun to tremble again. No
matter how he tried he could not stop thinking about Christine and how close
she was standing to him--even though she was across the room at this particular
instant.
He heard Kerr's voice as if
from a great distance whisper, "He's not okay, is he?"
Christine didn't answer. So Spock replied for her, "Most astute,
Colonel."
"How long before you
umm..."
"Not long." Spock turned and began to walk toward the
closest tunnel. "I must
meditate. You will not disturb me."
Christine moved toward
him. "Spock--"
He whirled on her and cut off
whatever she had been going to say.
"You must not involve yourself, Christine." He almost reached out to touch her, wanted to
touch her. At the last moment he jerked
his hand back. "You must stay
away."
"But you'll die."
"I am past the fire of
youth. I may be able to buy time with
meditation. As the Colonel has noted,
the Carter will find a way to get us out eventually. And then T'Clev will be able to help
me." Unsure that she was going to
cooperate, Spock looked at Kerr. "You
must keep Christine away from me."
Kerr nodded, his expression
troubled.
"You must stay away too,
Colonel. You must consider me extremely
dangerous at this point. I will try to
block the fact that the two of you are here." He looked at Christine. "That she is here. I will not be able to do that if you approach
me. Do you understand what I am
saying?"
"I do, sir."
Christine opened her mouth
and Spock spoke, more harshly than he intended.
"Say nothing, Commander. For
your own sake, say absolutely nothing."
She stood in front of him,
mouth open and eyes confused. Spock felt
an overwhelming need to touch her, to feel her skin under his hands. Stop it! he ordered himself, this is
counterproductive. He pointed at the
phaser Kerr wore at his hip. "If I
come back out here, it will be for her.
I strongly suggest you stop me.
Use maximum stun. Anything less
will probably not subdue me before I get to you."
Kerr frowned but nodded
firmly. "Yes, sir."
With a last glance at
Christine, Spock turned and quickly walked into the tunnel.
--------------------------------
Kavall sat in the command chair
trying not to look as uncomfortable as she felt. Because she answered to both medical and
diplomatic, she was frequently off the bridge.
As a result, she did not tend to be left in command as often as the
others.
"Pssst," she heard
from behind her. She turned to see Saldusta grinning. "The chair has a back, Nevara. You can use it."
She made a face at her friend
and forced herself to sit back. Just as
she was getting comfortable, Saldusta announced, "There's another hail
from the planet."
Kavall stood nervously. "On screen."
Dallish appeared. He wasted no time on preliminaries. "There's been a rockslide at the
mine. The entrance is blocked."
"The captain and the
others?"
"Their condition is
unknown. Bentarium blocks our sensors
and our communications. If they're in
there, we're going to have to dig them out."
Kavall thought
furiously. "Can we help?"
"No, it's just a matter
of waiting to see if they are ok."
"If?" Saldusta
whispered behind her.
Kavall nodded. "Understood. Please keep us informed of your
progress."
The screen went blank and she
stood for a moment then walked around the command chairs toward her
station. "Saldusta, notify sickbay
of what's happened. Tell them to have a
team on standby." She slid into her
chair. "There has to be a way to
get past that bentarium," she mused as she began to modify the sensors.
Hours later, she had made a
tiny bit of progress. Looking up from
her station, she realized that she had been so immersed that she had lost track
of time. It was almost shift
change. She looked over at Saldusta, who
was watching her with interest.
"Are you getting
anywhere?" the communications officer asked.
"I think so."
Saldusta nodded,
"Good. I notified beta shift to
stand down. We're here with you until
this is over."
The others nodded agreement.
Spock's office door suddenly
opened, startling Kavall until she realized it was Sovar who stood at the
door. "Where is the captain?"
he asked.
She brought him up to speed
and was surprised at the level of open concern the Vulcan showed. She tried to reassure him, "We can't assume they're injured or
worse until we know for sure. I think I
may be getting somewhere with these modifications."
"Have you informed
sickbay?"
"Yes. Doctor Carpenter is standing by with a
team."
"A team." He headed for the door. "I'll be in sickbay. Let me know as soon as you can get
through."
"Will do," she said
as she turned back to her station.
----------------------------------
Christine stared at the
tunnel that Spock had disappeared into.
Kerr's voice in her ear made her jump.
"How long before he
comes out?"
She shrugged. "He may not come out. He may stay in there."
"And then what?"
She turned away, began moving
more rocks.
"Christine?"
She didn't answer. A moment later, she felt a hand on her arm
gently pulling her around.
"Christine?"
"He'll die."
"Without you, he'll
die?"
"It's not me. T'Clev would do. Any woman would. Hell, in a pinch, you might do,
Randall." She turned away.
He didn't say anything for a
long time as they continued to push the rocks out of the way. Finally he sat down, and looked at her
intently. "We're not making any
progress."
"So we keep working at
it." She wiped sweat off her cheek
with the back of her hand. "We keep
going until we do make progress. Or
until the ship discovers how to get us out."
"What if they don't
figure that out in time?"
She looked at him but didn't
say anything.
"I mean it. What then?"
She turned on him and asked
angrily, "What do you want me to say, Randall?"
He pulled her into his arms
and held her tightly against him.
"I want you to tell me what you're thinking...what you're
feeling."
She tried to pull away, but
he held her fast. "I'm not thinking
anything except that I don't like caves.
I'm not feeling anything except worry for our captain. Now, let me go."
He didn't release her. "I've been asking myself if you could do
it. If you could stand by and let him
die. And I'm also asking myself if I
could let you do that."
"You heard him. He wants me to stay away from him." Feeling Kerr's grip loosen, Christine pulled
away from him and sat down a few feet away.
"I heard what he
said. But I also have a good idea what
he meant. If he didn't want _you_ he
wouldn't have been so concerned with my keeping you safe from him."
"That's bull. You don't know what it's like for a
Vulcan."
"And you do?"
She turned and glared at
him. "I don't. I have never been with him. How many times do I have to say that before
you believe it?"
He turned away from her.
She sighed heavily. "I'm sorry. This is just so hard." She got up and walked over to him. Putting a hand on his back, she
whispered. "The thought of him
dying..."
He turned and pulled her to
him. His lips on hers were fierce as he
kissed her quickly. Then he pushed her
away. "Go. Now.
Before I change my mind."
"What?"
"He's my captain, and I
respect him. Hell, I like him. I can't let him die. And this is the one way to make sure he
doesn't. So go. You have to."
She stared at him.
He kissed her again. "I love you. I don't want you to do this. But you have to. We both know that you do."
"But the rescue?"
"It's been hours,
Christine. How long does he have? Are you willing to wait?"
A noise at the far side of
the cave startled them. Spock stood
staring at them. Kerr pulled out his
phaser but didn't fire.
"Christine." Spock's voice was gravelly and harsh. "I burn for you."
She could feel her heart
racing as she stared at him. Behind her
Kerr said, "Go."
She turned to look at
him. "I love you. You know that? I'll come back to you."
He nodded but his eyes told
her a different story. Handing her one
of the lights, he said, "Go. Before
I realize what an idiot I am."
"Christine," Spock
said with more urgency as he took a step toward them.
With a last look and a
strangled, "I love you," to Kerr she hurried to Spock. He met her half way and caught her up in a
fierce embrace. She gasped at how
tightly he was holding her.
"Christine," she
heard Kerr say.
"Don't. I'm all right." She pushed Spock back toward the tunnel. "I'm here. Shhh."
He let her move him and she
felt his hands begin to move over her body.
"Christine. I burned for you
but you did not come."
"I know," she
whispered as they moved deeper into the tunnel.
Once they were well out of sight--and hopefully hearing--of Kerr, she
managed to get Spock to release her long enough to set the light down. Then he was back, touching her, his body
pressed close to hers.
I could be anyone, she
reminded herself. This isn't about
me. It's about saving him. That's all.
She believed it as he removed
his clothing. She believed it when he
kissed her ferociously, when his hands touched her in places he'd never touched
her before. She believed it when he
pushed her to the ground. But when he
melded with her and she heard his triumphant *Beloved* in her mind even as his
body joined with hers, she could no longer lie to herself. This was about the two of them. Spock and Christine. The way she'd always wanted.
*Spock,* she thought, unsure
if he could hear her. Unsure if she even
cared. She had dreamed of this moment
for so long.
*My Christine,* he sent back,
his tone both satisfied and demanding.
As he began to move within her with savage purpose, she felt his mind
overwhelm hers. *Beloved,* he sent
again, even as she lost all sense of who she was or why it even mattered. All that existed was this passion...and the
two of them.
-----------------------------
Kerr tried not to think about
how many hours had passed since Christine had disappeared down the tunnel he
was staring at. He tried not to listen
for the faint sounds that every so often carried down the corridor. He tried not to imagine what they were
doing.
He failed at all three.
This is ridiculous, he
berated himself. He stood up and began
to move rocks. He worked hard and fast
and tried to exhaust himself to the point where he could no longer think, no
longer imagine. Hours later he was
sitting in front of the large pile of rocks that he had moved, and looking at
the still larger one that remained. He really
was getting nowhere.
He thought he heard footsteps
behind him and turned, saying, "Christine..."
There was no one there. "Damn," he whispered, looking again
toward the tunnel entrance. "Damn,
damn, damn--"
"Sovar to landing
party," his communicator sounded from across the room.
He rushed to retrieve
it. "Kerr here."
"Colonel. You are...safe?" Sovar sounded overly tentative.
Kerr realized that Spock's
aide knew exactly what was going on. Was
he the only one that hadn't had a clue?
"Is this channel secure?"
"No." There was a long silence. Then Sovar came on again. "We are beaming down."
The communicator went
dead. A few minutes later, a familiar
sparkle filled the chamber. Sovar,
T'Clev, and Doctor Carpenter appeared.
T'Clev looked around the
chamber. "Captain Spock?"
Kerr nodded toward the tunnel
and said, "He and the Commander are pretty much indisposed."
T'Clev gave him a sympathetic
look. "This is
unfortunate." She shared a look
with Sovar. "But not
unanticipated."
"And damned hard to
explain," Carpenter complained as she headed toward the tunnel. Sovar made a motion to stop her and she
scowled at him. "If someone had
told me what was going on, we might not be having this conversation now."
"The commander
knew," Sovar said firmly. "She
is CMO. If she did not see fit to inform
you, I'm afraid it was not my place to do so."
Carpenter glared at him, and
T'Clev said smoothly. "If this had
gone as planned, there would have been no reason for your involvement. The commander would have been in a position
to play a medical role if necessary. She
was never intended to be a direct participant."
Carpenter nodded. "Fine.
We had this argument the first time you told me. I'm just annoyed as hell." She pulled out her tricorder. "Now get out of my way, I won't disturb
them. I just want to check her
condition."
Reluctantly the two Vulcans
moved out of her way.
Kerr watched her go, then he
turned back to Sovar. "How did you
get through the interference?"
"Lieutenant Kavall found
a solution. It was actually quite
elegant. It would make a fascinating
paper if she chose to present it at the Federation Association--"
"You want to talk
presentations at a time like this?"
Kerr began to pace. "At the
risk of pointing out the obvious, that's the woman I love in there with Spock."
T'Clev's voices was full of
compassion. "I believe Mr. Sovar
was attempting to distract you."
Kerr stopped pacing. "Well it didn't work." He looked at Sovar. "But thanks for trying."
Sovar was about to say
something when Carpenter returned.
"Well, it's a cinch they won't be walking out of here. Trying to stop them at this point would be
impossible." She turned to Kerr
apologetically. "Sorry. But we need to get them back to the
ship."
"Beam them up."
"Colonel," Sovar
said with some urgency. "They need
to be beamed to his cabin. That will
look most odd in the record, if you take my meaning."
Kerr thought for a
moment. "No problem." He lifted his communicator, "Carter,
this is Colonel Kerr. One to beam
up."
"Aye, sir. Energizing."
He experienced the familiar
few seconds of nothingness before he rematerialized on the ship. He hurried over to the transporter
console. "Ensign, what are you
cleared to?"
"Sir?"
"What level,
Ensign?"
"I was told that info is
to be kept in my file and if anyone needs it and is authorized they can
downlo--"
"Ensign, I can assure
you that the regs may say it works that way, but in real life it plays out a
bit differently. I have clearances
you've never even heard of. I have clearances
the captain's probably never heard of.
There is nothing you can tell me that will be a surprise. What level are you cleared to?"
The man gulped. "Uh, B-4, sir."
"Not good enough. You'll have to stand in the corridor while I
do this. Make sure nobody comes in unless
they're cleared."
"How will I know,
sir?"
"They better say
BVFH-67--" Kerr made up the code "--or they aren't coming in
here. Got that?"
"Got it, sir." The ensign hurried out.
"Computer. Initialize site-to-site transport. Code five four seven sub-rosa."
A blank panel suddenly lit up
with the outline of a hand. "Submit
for identity scan."
He laid his hand on the
panel.
"Identity
confirmed. Sub-rosa transport
initialized."
Kerr pulled out his
communicator. He opened a small panel on
the side and flipped a tiny switch. The
channel was now very secure. "Kerr
to Sovar."
"Go ahead. "
"I'm ready on this
end."
"Very well. Do you have a lock?"
Kerr adjusted the targeting
sensors until he was satisfied that nothing would go wrong. "Affirmative. Engaging
transporter." He set his
communicator down as he worked the controls.
When he checked the readings, the computer showed two people in Spock's
cabin. "Engage privacy locks for
Captain Spock's and Commander Chapel's quarters. Standard 'Do Not Disturb' message," he
ordered the computer.
"Affirmative."
He picked up his communicator
again and told Sovar, "Hang on, I'm going to get the rest of you up
here." He adjusted the beam back to
the platform and energized. The rescue
party appeared on the pad. As they
walked over to him, he fiddled with the log record. Then instructed, "Adjust log entry as
shown."
"Affirmative. Captain Spock and Commander Chapel were
beamed to their respective quarters."
"Excellent."
Sovar looked at the code he
had entered into the log record, and said, "What is that code?"
Kerr shrugged. "I'm not really the technical
type."
"That algorithm is most
advanced."
"Just something I picked
up," he said as he instructed the computer to reset. There would be no record of anything out of
the ordinary. He turned to Carpenter,
"This says that Captain Spock and Commander Chapel were slightly hurt in
the rockslide. You treated them on the
surface but there was some infection and you recommended they rest. They were beamed to their quarters."
She nodded but her expression
was tight. "I don't like
this."
"Join the club," he
said bitterly.
---------***--------------------
The following day, T'Clev lay
on her bed and considered what had happened in the cave. She had been impressed with the colonel's
quick thinking, but that didn't mitigate her worry over the situation. The commander was human and there was a good
chance that she could be harmed during the Pon Farr. On the other hand, by all appearances she had
gone to Spock voluntarily, which would mitigate much of the violence. They were lucky Kerr had not challenged. She wondered how much it had cost the man not
to do so.
The door chime broke her out
of her reverie. She roused herself to
answer it and found Sovar there, displaying a small amount of agitation. "Is there something I should be doing
for them?" he asked.
She gave him a sympathetic
glance. "You must procure a clean
set of clothes for her. You will also
need to get a dermal regenerator from Doctor Carpenter."
Sovar looked at her in alarm.
"Even the strongest
Vulcan bruises during the burning, Sovar.
How do you think a human will fare?"
He nodded. "I understand."
"Do you have a tricorder?"
"At my office."
She walked to her desk
console and programmed in some formulas, then sent them to him. As she did so, she explained, "Program
the formula I'm sending you into the tricorder.
Scan the area before you enter his room.
Our temple doctors know that male Vulcans in rut produce a chemical
byproduct that is actually dispersed in the air. We believe it is used to warn other males off
during the mating time. At any rate, it
is easily measured. When the levels fall
to the specs I've provided, it will mean that he is sleeping. Then it will be safe to go in and leave the
clothing and regenerator."
"What if she is not
asleep," he asked with concern.
The prudishness of most
Vulcan males mystified T'Clev.
"Trust me. When Spock
sleeps, she will too."
He nodded gratefully and
turned to leave.
She surprised herself by
asking, "Where will I find Colonel Kerr, Sovar?"
"His quarters are on
deck four."
She thought about what she'd
seen of the Colonel. He didn't strike
her as a man that would be able to just sit and wait in his quarters. "Where else?"
Sovar thought some more. "Perhaps in his office or the marine
lounge. They are both on deck nine. The wall panels will show you how to get to
them."
She followed him out and they
shared the lift until he got off on deck six to get the regenerator from
sickbay. T'Clev tried Kerr's office
first, but it was dark. When she walked
into the marine lounge, all activity and noise near the entrance dropped off
abruptly.
"Can I help you,
ma'am?" a young woman asked her.
"I am looking for
Colonel Kerr. Is he here?"
"Over there."
T'Clev caught a glimpse of
sandy hair behind several other marines and nodded gratefully. Easing her way between the men, she stopped
next to Kerr. "May I join
you?"
He didn't turn around. "Not looking for company."
She waited but he didn't say
more. "I am," she said gently
and took the stool next to him.
"And since you're a
Vulcan, you get whatever you want, is that it?" he muttered. The words would have been too low for a human
to hear.
"It probably seems that
way to you right now." She waved to
the bartender who came down cautiously.
"He will have another of those, and I would like a glass of red
wine."
The bartender looked at Kerr
but when he got no response from the colonel he began to pour the drinks. "It's on the house, ma'am, if you can
cheer him up."
Kerr glanced up, irritation
plain on his face. "I told you
there's nothing wrong, Corporal."
From the emphasis Kerr put on
the word and the dismay on the other man's face, T'Clev decided that his rank
was actually a bit higher than corporal.
She gave him a sympathetic look.
"You're the boss,
sir," the bartender said as he hurried to help another customer.
"This must hurt,"
she offered.
"Like you'd know about
that."
She sighed. "I am not your enemy, Colonel. And I might know about hurting. You really don't know me well enough to
judge."
There was a long silence,
then he turned to look at her. "I'm
sorry. You're right, I don't know
you."
"And I don't know
you. But I do know that if this had
happened as it was supposed to, you would be here with your commander, and I
would be the one with Spock."
"Do you love him?"
She shook her head and tasted
her wine.
"Then why are you
here?"
"That, Colonel, is a
long and complicated story."
He downed the last of his
original drink, and started on the one she'd bought him. "I seem to have plenty of time on my
hands."
"Nevertheless, I don't
believe I'll be telling you." She
watched his face. "You love
her. Very much."
"Yep. I do."
He began to methodically tear his napkin into small pieces as he said
softly but with great emotion. "Not
that it matters now. Just when I've
finally found the right woman...even get her for a while. Bam!"
His fist on the bar punctuated the word.
"She's gone."
"You don't know
that." T'Clev leaned in so that
there would be no chance that her words would carry. "Yes, she is with him now. Her presence will keep him alive. And yes, this is an experience that they will
share only between the two of them. You
cannot be a part of it. But, if she
loves you, she will not stay with him once this is over."
Kerr frowned in disbelief,
"I thought that they'd be bonded once this is over. Isn't that how it works."
She nodded. "Often it is. And he may try. But the act of bonding takes two willing
participants. If her emotions lie
elsewhere, it won't take."
He stared at her for a long
moment. "So there's hope?"
"There is."
He looked away. "But she loved him. For such a long time. How can I compete with that?"
"Maybe you don't have
to. Time will tell." She looked around the room. "You should keep occupied till then. Perhaps a game of billiards? I've always wanted to play."
He looked over at the table
and his expression darkened. "She
likes to play."
"Perhaps another
diversion then?"
He drained his drink and
stood up. "I appreciate that...and
what you said. But I think I'm in the
mood to be really miserable. Alone."
"As you wish."
He took a step then turned
back. "The really hard part is that
I let her do it. I urged her to do
it. To save him."
She surprised him and herself
by laying a hand on his arm. His
emotions were very near the surface...anger, hurt, love. A heady mix.
She pulled her hand away.
"You are a good man, Colonel.
Spock speaks highly of you."
"He damn well
should. I just gave him my woman. Doesn't get more generous than that," he
said bitterly, then turned and left the bar.
The bartender came by to
clear Kerr's glass and smiled at her.
"Nice try."
"I believe I owe you for
these beverages."
"It's okay. You made a valiant attempt. Drinks are on me."
"Thank you," she
said with a small nod. She sipped her
drink and turned on the stool slightly so she could watch the people in the
lounge. She realized Commander Penhallon
was sitting at the other end of the bar.
He raised his glass at her and she nodded. With a smile he rose and walked toward
her.
"What's a nice girl like
you?"
She looked at him quizzically
and he laughed. "Doing in a place
like this. That's the next part. You're supposed to finish the sentence."
"Oh." She watched as he sat on the stool Kerr had
just left. "I could ask you the
same thing. Isn't this the marine lounge?"
"It is. And I don't come here very often."
She took a careful sip of her
wine. "Yet here you are."
"Well, that's because I
followed you."
She raised an eyebrow. "Followed me?"
"Yes." He leaned toward her, his voice low and
pitched for her ears only. "I don't
imagine you expected to be alone right about now?"
She pulled away. "I don't know what you mean."
"Sure you do. We both know what I mean."
She felt irritation. This man went too far. She rose to go, but his hand on her arm
stopped her.
"Don't you get
frustrated with never being able to talk about it?"
She pulled away. "That would be an emotion."
"And Vulcans don't have
those." He leaned in again. "I imagine the captain and the commander
might be experiencing a different take on that theme, right about now."
She sank back down on the
stool, studying him carefully.
"Don't say
anything. That's fine. But know that I know."
She considered his
statement. If he knew, did the rest of
the crew?
As if reading her mind, he
shook his head and said, "Don't worry, nobody else knows. There's been some suspicion since the captain
and the commander haven't been seen for quite a few hours. And I'm afraid the colonel's sulking isn't
helping matters. But nobody really knows
anything." He took a sip of his
drink, then smiled mischievously.
"And I've been doing my best to muddy the waters. Did you know that the commander and I had a
long breakfast meeting this morning in her quarters? And I saw the captain around the ship several
times today. Didn't you?"
"Why would you do
this?"
He shrugged. "I admire the captain. And, though it would irritate her no end to
hear it--or possibly because it would, I'm actually not quite sure yet--I'm
inordinately fond of the commander.
She's such a challenge. Really
doesn't like me." He grinned at
her.
T'Clev knew her eyes were
betraying gratitude...and amusement.
"You are a good man, Commander."
"For god's sake, call me
Stephen. I just shared my deepest
darkest secret with you."
"Somehow,
Stephen"--she couldn't resist putting extra emphasis on his name--"I
very much doubt that this is your darkest secret."
"Well, you may be right,
my dear." He finished his drink and
pointed with his chin at hers.
"Drink up so we can get out of here."
"We are going
somewhere?"
He nodded. "Has Spock shown you the
greenhouse?"
"He has not, although he
did mention it during our tour."
"It's really quite
beautiful. And very romantic."
T'Clev gave him a stern
look. "I am not interested in
romance."
He slid off his stool and
held out his arm. "When was the
last time you did something that was just for you?"
She stood up and walked past
him. "I do many things for my own
pleasure."
"When?" he asked,
catching up with her quickly and steering her towards the lift.
"What exactly are we
talking about, Commander?"
"Stephen," he
corrected gently.
"Stephen."
"I have the utmost
respect for why you're here and what you are.
I've been to Vulcan and seen the temple you belong to. I know that you give something that makes the
difference between life and death for someone you might not even
know." He held out his arm again. "I think that's quite the most wonderful
thing."
She stared at him.
His expression became
serious. "And the most sad. So I ask again. When was the last time you did
something...had something that was just for you?"
She looked away. "I am not human. Do not presume that you know what my needs
are."
He smiled gently. "Then you do have them?" At her look, he dropped his arm. "It's still a long way to Vulcan,
T'Clev. I may charm you yet." The lift opened and he led her into the
corridor. "It's just down
here."
She followed him to the
greenhouse. She would never admit it to
him, but Stephen Penhallon had already charmed her. She had no plans to indulge herself in the
way he was offering, but deep inside she was illogically pleased that she could
if she wanted to.
--------------------------
Christine slowly became aware
again of her surroundings. She was
somewhere quite warm and dimly lit. Her
body ached. She tried to move but
someone was curled around her, holding her close. Spock, she remembered. I'm with Spock. The Pon Farr...but they had been in the cave. The surface she was lying on was too soft to
be the ground. How did they get
here? And how long had they been here?
She didn't think she had
voiced the thought, but Spock moved against her and said softly, "For many
hours, I think."
"Nothing more exact than
that?"
"I confess I have not
been in any state to keep track."
Spock reached over her for something on his bedside table. She heard a humming, then a feeling of relief
along her neck and shoulders. "You
are bruised," he explained simply as he moved the dermal regenerator over
her skin.
She stretched and groaned
involuntarily.
"Where does it
hurt?" he asked in concern.
"Everywhere."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I'll deal with being a little...okay a lot
sore if it means you aren't dead."
She turned awkwardly, her muscles refusing at first to cooperate. "I couldn't let you die."
"I am grateful for
that." He continued to work on her,
slowly bringing relief to her protesting muscles.
"I did not plan
this," he said abruptly.
She smiled. "I know you didn't. You wouldn't have called for the priestess if
you had." She was surprised that
she felt no awkwardness talking about this or being naked in bed with him. Apparently he felt none with her either. He didn't avert his eyes or seem at all
embarrassed. And he seemed to be doing
an extremely thorough job of covering every square inch of her with the
regenerator.
"Although this is not
how I expected my problem to be resolved, I do not regret what has
happened," he said as he turned off the machine and leaned over her to put
it back on the table. He seemed to
linger, his body touching hers. "I
am not sure that is an honorable reaction on my part. You belong to another."
The thought brought a pang of
guilt and regret. "Yes, I do."
He eased away from her and
relaxed on the bed, watching her, his eyes unfathomable. "You love him." It was not a question. "Until this experience, I did not
realize how much." He looked
away. "Do you remember that I urged
you to bond with me?"
"Not really. The experience is a blur."
"I tried to shield you
from the ferocity of the Pon Farr with a meld.
I had enough rational thought left to do that, at least."
"That was kind of
you." She smiled
unintentionally. "I remember the
meld, sharing your mind. It was...very
pleasant." Fragments of memory
resurfaced. It had been more than
pleasant. She had the sensation that it
had been erotic, sensual, loving. But
all she could get was the overall impression.
No details came to her. "I
can hardly remember what we did."
She frowned. "Will it always
be this hazy?"
"I do not know."
She laughed softly. At his raised eyebrow, she explained, "I
wanted this for so long...now I finally get it, and I can't remember it."
His eyes were amused as he
nodded. "It is ironic."
"It is,
indeed." She smiled at him. "I guess I said no then...to the
bond?"
He nodded. "You were quite clearly against the
idea. The colonel is a lucky man."
She looked away. "I doubt that he's feeling that way
right now."
"This cannot be easy for
him," Spock agreed. "And still
he let you do this."
"He didn't want you to
die."
Spock shifted a bit. "And he trusted that you'd come back to
him."
She made a face.
"What?"
"I think perhaps he
thought I wouldn't."
"If he knew how much you
care for him. That he is burned into
your heart. Do you think that would
comfort him?"
The question sounded almost
rhetorical but she decided to answer it.
"No."
"No, I imagine
not."
She lay back down on her back
and stared at the ceiling. She couldn't
talk about Randall. Realized that for
right now she didn't want to talk about him.
She stretched tentatively and was pleased to feel no pain. "So who brought the regenerator?"
"Sovar or T'Clev
probably. I do not remember them being
here, but they must have been."
"So they just walked in
here while we were..."
"While we were
sleeping," he almost smiled.
"They would not disturb us otherwise. It was a thoughtful gesture."
"It was." She suddenly rolled to her stomach and stared
at him. "Is it over then?"
He looked away as he said,
"The danger is gone."
She studied him. "That's not what I asked."
He turned on his side and
reached out to brush her hair away from her face. "The danger is gone. The desire is not."
She closed her eyes at his
touch. After a long moment, she said
softly, "It's the only time we'll ever have."
He moved closer to her. "It is."
"And you want
me?" The feel of his lips on her
neck made her shudder.
"I do," he said,
his breath hot on her skin.
She pulled his face to hers
and kissed him gently. When she drew
away, she said, "I want to know what it is I'll be missing when I leave
here. I want to know what it is I just
had that I can't remember. And I think
that wanting those things makes me a very bad person."
"I think that wanting
you to have those things...wanting to have you again, is not something I should
desire either." He began to stroke
her skin, his hands moving lower and lower.
She gasped and he kissed her. He
did not pull away quickly. "I
should not say this...but I do not want you to go yet. There is still time." He gave her a look that burned--not with the
raw passion of before but with something far more tender. "Christine?" he asked as he touched
the meld point and let her know exactly how much he wanted her.
She was lost. As she leaned in for another kiss, she
whispered, "Just a while longer."
---------------------------------------
Spock knew exactly when she
awoke by the change in her breathing. He
realized that such awareness of her was a dangerous thing. He should get up; let her wake alone while he
showered. Help her distance herself from
him.
He didn't move.
"Mmm," she said as
she turned in his arms.
"It is time to get
up," he said gently.
She didn't respond, just
burrowed deeper into his arms. He knew
he should push her away, make her begin the preparation that would culminate
with her leaving him alone in his quarters.
He pulled her closer.
They stayed like that a long
time. He kissed her hair and stroked her
back as she lay silently against him. He
knew she was crying. Knew also that she
would not want him to notice, so he said nothing.
Finally she looked up at him,
her eyes bright with the tears she was trying unsuccessfully to hold back.
"You must go," he
said quietly.
She nodded.
They didn't move. He wanted to kiss her, knew that if he did,
she might stay for a little while longer.
He wondered if he kept doing it, would she stay with him forever? He knew that he must never find out.
She seemed to sense his train
of thought because she sighed and gently extricated herself from his arms. She rose and without looking at him, put on
the clean set of clothes that was folded neatly on the bench in front of the
bed.
He watched her in
silence. It took him a moment to realize
he was memorizing how she looked, how she moved. He would never forget how she felt.
As she moved toward the door,
he whispered, "Thank you, my Christine."
She stopped and without
turning to look at him said, "He's not the only one that's burned into my
heart, Spock." Then she hurried out
of his bedroom.
He heard the door to his
quarters open and then close. For a
moment, he entertained the notion that she would be unable to bring herself to
leave him and would walk back in.
She did not. He waited a few more minutes before rousing
himself to take a shower and resume his life.
-----------**--------------------
An alarm went off on the
console by the desk in Kerr's quarters, and he shut it off quickly. "Computer, delete program Watch-4."
"Program deleted."
He leaned back in his
chair. So. She was in her cabin. If she knew that he had programmed the
computer to keep tabs on her door, she would probably be livid. And he felt a small niggling of guilt himself
at the thought that he was spying on her.
But it was very small.
He had to know. It was that simple.
So now he knew. She was back.
But really, what did it mean that her door had opened? It didn't mean she was necessarily coming
back to him. It didn't mean that in the
time it would take her to shower off the scent of Spock from her skin she'd be
at his door. As if nothing had
happened. Even though they would both
know that something had happened.
His door chimed.
"It's open."
She looked tired. But then he supposed she would be if all
she'd been doing was f--. He cut that
thought off.
She was watching him. No smile.
No frown. Her face was a mask
that was almost as complete as the one Spock normally wore. Kerr wished he'd never seen the way the
Vulcan had looked at her in the cave.
"How are you?" he
asked finally.
She took a few steps into the
room. "Okay, I guess."
"He didn't hurt
you?"
"Nothing
permanent."
He felt himself bristle and
saw her react as she hurried to say, "That came out wrong. I'm okay.
Really."
He nodded.
There was an uncomfortable
silence. She finally sat down on the
couch. He took pity on her and moved to
the chair across from her. "So,
here you are."
It was her turn to nod.
"You want to talk about
it?" He couldn't believe he'd just
asked that. He wasn't sure he wanted to
know. And yet he had to know, no matter
how much it hurt.
"Not really," she
said, and he was grateful.
"You want a drink?"
She looked confused. "Is it beta shift already?"
"It's been a couple of
beta shifts." His tone was more
bitter than he intended.
She looked down. He thought he saw a flash of guilt on her
face. And suddenly all he felt was
anger. Raw, limitless anger. He stood up.
"So how was it, Christine?
Was it everything you hoped for?"
She looked up at him in
surprise. "Randall?"
"Was he good? Did you enjoy it?"
Her voice was very
small. "You told me to go."
"Yeah, I sure did,
didn't I? And I'm a damned fool
too." He paced the small room.
"What do you want me to
say?" She gave him a strange
look. "What do you want me to
do?"
He walked over to her and
pulled her to her feet. "I've been
having this fantasy that you'd come here and the door would open and you'd
throw yourself into my arms. You'd be
shaking like a leaf and I would be the only thing that could comfort you."
She didn't move, just stared
him down.
He finally looked away. "And if you had done that, you wouldn't
be the woman I'm in love with." He
walked to the galley and poured himself a drink. "You sure you don't want one?"
She didn't answer. When he turned to see what she was doing, she
was walking toward him. She stopped an
arms length from him and said, "He didn't die. So yes, it was good for me,
Randall." Her voice was even and he
realized that the words, though harsh, were really not meant to hurt him.
"I'm glad he's
okay."
She stared at him for several
seconds, then asked, "When they finally showed up, would there have still
been time for the priestess to have helped him?"
He shook his head. "I don't think so."
She seemed to relax. "It was the right thing then. We did what we had to do."
He threw back the whiskey. "No, _you_ did what we had to do. I just waited for it to be over."
She winced. "I'm sorry." He shrugged and reached for the bottle. She grabbed his hand. "Don't."
"Why not,
Christine?"
"Because you don't need
it." She moved closer. Her expression was suddenly very tender.
He gave up trying to hide the
pain he felt. He also decided to abandon
discretion. "Did you bond with
him?"
She shook her head, her eyes
not leaving his.
"Why not?"
She reached up and laid her
hand on his cheek. He leaned into it and
closed his eyes.
"He wanted to. I didn't." She took the last step toward him and pressed
her body against his.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm in love
with you," she said simply, as she covered his lips with her own and
wrapped her arms around him.
He pulled her closer,
relishing the feel of her against him, her mouth on his. He'd convinced himself he'd never have her
this way again. When they finally pulled
apart, he whispered, "I love you."
She looked up at him and
smiled, the look was both sweet and utterly sad. "I chose you before. And I chose you again this time. You need to believe that."
"I do."
"I'll always choose
you," she said, then she kissed him almost desperately.
He was having a harder time
believing that.
She pulled back and watched
him. "What do you want to do?"
He gave her a
half-smile. "What I want to do and
what we should do are probably two different things."
She smiled and kissed him
again, this time more passionately.
"No." He pushed her away gently. "Not tonight."
"But--"
He laid a finger on her
lips. "Tomorrow, and the next day,
and the day after that. But not
tonight. I need some time."
"Do you want me to go
away?"
He pulled her back into his
arms. "No, I want you to stay with
me. I want to go to the mess hall and
get something to eat and then I want to go to sleep...with you." And I want to pretend that you didn't just
spend the last two and a half days in another man's arms, he finished silently.
"Okay." She leaned in and kissed him very
sweetly. "I'm sorry, Randall. I'm sorry this happened."
He smoothed back her hair,
wondered if Spock had done the very same thing.
"I know you are." He
took her hand in his; dropping it only once they were in the hall. Even though she was walking by his side,
without that small contact he felt very much alone.
-------------------
Kavall was relieved to see
Christine already sitting in the command chair when she arrived for shift
change. She smiled and said, "Good
morning, sir," before taking her station.
"Good morning,
Lieutenant," Christine replied evenly.
"I hear we have you to thank for getting us out of that cave."
"I figured out the
solution, that's all."
"Pretty big thing, if
you ask me." Christine smiled. "We both know I don't like caves."
"I just wanted to know
that you were okay. I mean, all of
you."
"Well, you did
good."
Kavall grinned. "Thanks."
Christine smiled again, but
Kavall wasn't sure that the smile made it all the way to the commander's
eyes. She watched Christine as the rest
of the crew reported in. Whatever
injuries she'd sustained had been healed, but she did seem tired. As they worked through a normal shift, Kavall
noticed that the commander never got up to pace.
The captain came in a little
later. He sat in his command chair for a
few minutes then gave the conn back to Christine and went into his ready
room. He only came out for short periods
after that. He seemed to have lost the
tension he had last displayed, but still seemed more on edge than normal.
When the beta shift started
to report in, Christine got up and headed for her office. Kavall waited for her replacement to show up,
then rang the door to the commander's office.
"Come." Christine had her head down and she was
reading a padd. She looked up and smiled
at Kavall.
"I wanted to talk to you
Nevara to Christine, not lieutenant to commander."
Christine put down the padd
and gestured to her chair. "Come
sit."
Kavall did. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Just a little tired still."
"I was so worried about
you when you were down there. Then
Doctor Carpenter said you were going to be fine, that you just needed some
rest. And that sounded great, but I saw
the colonel, and he looked so glum that I got worried again."
"You could torture
Randall all day and he'd never crack, but I get a little scratched up and he
comes undone." Christine's laughter
sounded a little forced.
"I guess he's just a big
softie where you're concerned." Kavall
grinned and was relieved to see a more honest smile come to her mentor's
face.
"I think he really
is."
"I was just surprised
that he wasn't with you. It didn't seem
like him to leave you alone."
Christine's expression became
guarded. "I was sleeping. I asked him to stay away. I really didn't want company."
"Yeah, I know. I came by yesterday to see how you were, but
you had the 'Do Not Disturb' on."
Christine sat back in her
chair. "I didn't mean to seem
unfriendly. But I did need to convalesce,
not deal with a bunch of well-wishers.
It's why Delynn wanted us in our quarters not in sickbay."
Kavall nodded and an
uncomfortable silence fell between them.
Christine leaned
forward. "Nevara, I'm sorry. That didn't come out right. I'm just really tired, okay?"
Kavall nodded. She was saved from saying anything else when
the door chimed. "I'll be
going." She stood and walked with
Christine to the door. It opened to
Kerr. She was still on the bridge, so
she opted for formal address.
"Hello, Colonel."
"Lieutenant," he
nodded and gave her a tight smile as he let her go by.
As the door closed, she
hurried off the bridge and went directly to the biomed lab.
An assistant smiled at her as
she entered. "Doctor Redmoon's in
his office."
"Thanks." She walked to the door, which he had set on
'open' as usual, and watched him work. A
mess of toxicology screens and gas workups lay scattered on the desk in front
of him. She marveled that he could
thrive in such chaos.
He looked up and a slow grin
spread across his face. "I thought
we weren't meeting till later."
"We weren't. It's just been a weird day and I needed to
see you."
He stood up and drew her into
his office, releasing the door and letting it close behind her. "What made it so weird?" he asked
as he gave her a quick squeeze.
"Everything. Nothing.
You know how sometimes things seem okay on the surface, but you get the
feeling they aren't really okay at all."
He nodded.
"It was like that. I just think she was lying to me."
"Who?"
Kavall frowned. "Christine."
Leon shrugged. "If she is, I'm sure she has her
reasons."
She glared at him. "That's really not the answer I want to
hear."
"Sorry, sweetheart, but
it's the only one I'm going to give you.
I'm sure that if she is keeping something from you, she'll tell you when
she's ready."
"Being reasonable is
really annoying," she mock sulked as he kissed her into a better mood.
------------------------------------
Nako took a deep breath and
unlocked the door to her quarters. The
first step out after the Time was always the hardest. She closed her eyes and moved one foot
forward, then the other. There. One complete set. She did it again, and again. It was a short walk to Spock's quarters. It was late, but she could sense that he was
up so she rang the chime.
He answered the door promptly
and moved aside so she could come in.
"Nako. It is over?"
She nodded. "I have made you something." She handed him a robe of a blue so rich it
was nearly purple.
He stroked the soft
fabric. "It is
beautiful." He touched the gold and
silver sections that she had woven meticulously into the cloth. They formed the symbols of his house. "So much work."
"I had plenty of time on
my hands, Spock." She smiled, and
was pleased to feel again the amusement that life normally brought her.
"The color reminds me of
the origin cloth you made. The one that
hangs in Sarek's study."
She smiled.
"What?"
"Did you know that on
your presentation day, Sarek wrapped you in that cloth. I thought T'Pau would have a fit and die on
the spot."
"My father did
that?"
Nako smiled sadly. "Never underestimate the love your
father has for you. The love he has
always had for you."
"Where my father is
concerned, Nako, you know my judgment is cloudy at best."
"I know,
Spock." She patted him on the
shoulder. "How are you? I know that you have recently suffered
through your own ordeal."
"I am alive."
She shook her head and laughed
softly. "Our species are so alike
in that respect, slaves to a biological imperative. Only you leave your head and become all
heart." She touched his chest to
make her point. "I left my heart to
live only in my head. I sat thinking,
and as I did, I saw how things were."
"Only how they were,
Nako? Did you not see how things would
be?"
"The future is a big
place, Spock. I can think many
things. But I cannot choose."
"What do you see
then?"
She met his eyes. He did not look away. "I see many things."
"Tell me."
"I see loss."
He turned away. "You say you cannot choose. She can only choose. And not me."
Nako handed him the second
item she had made. "Not her, little
grandson."
He shook out the robe. It was in the same fabric as the one she had
given him, the same inky dark color. But
it was more finely detailed with the addition of a design that marked the
wearer as one beloved, as t'hy'la. He
looked at her askance. "You say not
her, but there is no one else to give this to."
"You will understand in
time."
He ran a finger over the
silver threads. Then he seemed to really
look at the combination of symbols. He
picked up his robe and compared, then turned back to her in confusion. "These are for the remembrance
ceremony?"
She nodded.
"Who?"
"Knowing will not make
it easier."
"Who will
die?" His voice was rough.
"Your mother."
There was a stunned silence
then he didn't try to hide his anger as he asked, "And you said
nothing?" He thrust the robes at
her. "How long have these been
done? You knew and yet you said
nothing."
"I can only think and
weave during the Time, Spock. I cannot
control what I see, nor the fact that I cannot tell those things until it is
over...no matter how much I might want to." She gently pushed the robes back toward
him. "Is it that different than the
Pon Farr?"
He looked down. "Perhaps not."
"I came as soon as I
could."
"It is fortunate then
that we are already on our way to Vulcan."
"Perhaps a higher speed
would be advisable. There may still be
time to say goodbye."
"You think that? Or you know that?"
"It is the same
thing," she said.
Spock seemed to consider,
then put the robes down and hurried out the door. She picked up his robe, folding it
carefully. "I am sorry, grandson. You have already suffered a great loss,"
she said. Then she touched the other
robe lovingly. "But you are not
alone this time."
She walked into the corridor,
deciding to walk the ship and become reacquainted with someplace other than her
quarters.
--------------------
Spock hurried to the
bridge. It was still several hours
before alpha shift would come on duty.
The gamma shift commander, Lieutenant Larson, looked up in surprise. "Sir?"
"Increase speed to warp
seven."
"Sir?"
Spock fought the anger that
threatened to erupt. "That's an
order, Lieutenant." He headed to
his ready room, stopping only long enough to instruct the comms officer to
connect him with his father. "On a
private channel," he added.
His father when he appeared
on the screen looked more tired than Spock had ever seen him. "When were you going to tell me,
father?"
Sarek did not ask him what he
meant. He only looked defeated as he
said, "Would it have made any difference, Spock?"
"To me. To her.
But perhaps not to you."
Sarek closed his eyes as he
had often done when Spock was younger and had said something particularly
emotional. Spock felt an instant surge
of resentment. He knew part of the emotion
was due to his recent Pon Farr. But most
of it was just the normal frustration of dealing with his father.
"When were you going to
tell me, father?" he repeated.
"She has been ailing for
some time, as you are already aware. I
planned to tell you when I was sure the end was near."
"I could have been too
far away by then."
"But you are not. You are on your way here for refits, are you
not."
Spock forced himself to
remain controlled. "That is
immaterial. You should have told me
earlier."
"Yes, my son. You do not need to repeat your point."
There was a long silence. Finally, Spock said, "I have increased
our speed enough that I will be there by this time tomorrow."
Sarek nodded tiredly. "That is good."
Despite his anger with the
man, Spock could see that Sarek was suffering.
"You need rest, father."
"I will rest when she is
dead, Spock." And the screen went
black.
Spock sat for a long time
staring at it, trying desperately to gather his control around him. His mother was dying. In and of itself, this was not unexpected. She was a human of advanced years living in
an environment that was hostile to her increasingly fragile body. As his father had said, she had been in
decline for some time. He should not be
surprised that her condition had deteriorated further. Why then did it hurt so much?
His door chimed and he
ignored it. It rang again. "Come," he said, his voice flat.
"Spock?" Christine moved into the room, concern
showing plainly on her face.
"Larson called me. He said
you had increased our speed to warp seven.
Has something happened?" She
took another step toward him, but stopped when he finally looked up at
her. "What is it?"
"My mother. She is dying."
Christine looked
stricken. "Oh god, Spock. I'm so sorry."
He wanted to reach out to
her. Everything in him was telling him
to go to her, to pull her close and let her comfort him. But he knew it would be wrong. "It is the way of life,
Christine." He strove for a casual
tone.
"What?"
"She is human. I have always known that she would go long
before my father." She was looking
at him with a horrified expression. He
had to turn away from her lest his pain betray him.
There was silence in the
room, then she said angrily, "Damn you.
Not again." And before he
could stop her she was at his desk, her hand grabbing his face and dragging it
up so that she could see his expression.
He tried to hide his pain, but he knew he was failing when she dropped
her hand and knelt in front of him. Her
hands on his thighs burned; he could feel her compassion and concern. And her love.
"Let me help?" she
said softly.
He touched her cheek gently
for a few seconds. "I do not know
how you can."
"Let me in."
"We both know why I
can't do that. We have all made choices,
Christine, and there are consequences to them."
"And one of those
consequence is for you to suffer alone?"
He felt suddenly very
tired. "You are with another. You cannot be with me. By definition, I am alone." He guided her to her feet. "I appreciate your concern. Watch the ship for me while I am gone. That is all the help I can ask of
you."
--------------------------------
Christine lay on the grass
between the rose bushes. She stared up
at the ceiling, blinking away tears. She
heard footsteps coming and stayed very still, hoping whoever it was would move
on if they didn't see her.
They came closer. She closed her eyes and wished hard for a
hull breach. Or a rogue transporter
incident.
The footsteps stopped near
her head. Then she felt someone lay down
next to her on the grass, very close but not actually touching her.
"Go away," she said
without opening her eyes to see who it was.
"But you look so
appealing, all vulnerable and well...weepy."
"You!" Furious, she started to get up.
With strength that she hadn't
supposed he had, Penhallon forced her back down. "I'm not here to harass you."
"No? You just always sneak up on someone and
manhandle them in the rose garden?"
"For me to have sneaked
up on you, you would have had to have been unaware of me. And I know that you heard me coming. I made sure of that. It's not easy to make that much noise walking
on grass, you know."
He had a point. She quit trying to fight him and sank into
the grass again.
He lay on his side, watching her. When he realized she wasn't going to run
away, he relaxed so that he was on his back too. "Quite the view from here."
"Oh, shut up."
"No, I'm serious, sort
of. What is it you see when you stare at
the ceiling?"
"The ceiling."
He didn't say anything. They both stared up in silence.
"Ah," he finally
said. "Now, I see."
"What?"
"I quit thinking about
staring at the ceiling, and started to think about other things, and then it
all became sort of black. Like a
backdrop for any problem I cared to paint on it."
"Penhallon, it's a
ceiling, ok? It's just a
ceiling." She started to get up.
This time his words stopped
her. "Which one of your problems
would you paint up there, I wonder? The
captain or the colonel?"
She turned to look at him.
He rolled onto his side again
and stared back at her.
"I'm not even going to
dignify that with an answer," she said with less force than she intended.
"You're hurting,
Christine. Why don't you let someone
in?"
"Someone? Or you?"
Her laughter was mocking and mean.
"You think I'm shallow,
I know that. And maybe I am
shallow. But I'm one of the few people
on this ship that understands just what you're going through."
"Fine, then what am I
going through?"
"You're torn."
She rolled her eyes.
"The problem is that
we're only allowed to love one person.
Or one at a time anyway. Those
that don't, those that want more are either philanderers...or Deltans," he
finished with a grin. "So you have
to pick one, which you kind of thought you already had done."
She looked at him with more
interest.
"Only then you had to
choose the other one, but you didn't want to unchoose the one you had."
"There's no such word as
unchoose."
He smiled. "Well, there should be. And I'm right about them, aren't
I."
She didn't say anything, just
lay back down on the grass and stared up at the ceiling.
"So they're both up
there?" he pressed.
"Yep," she finally
said.
"Hell of a choice,
Christine."
"You've got that right,
Stephen."
A few seconds later, he
asked, "Do you want me to go?"
Her voice was full of
resigned defeat. "No, you can
stay."
"You've known Spock a
long time, haven't you?"
"Seems like
forever."
"I had someone like that
in my life. Someone I loved for a long
time but could never have."
"Is this where you tell
me that one day you finally got her, and you found out that you didn't really
want her after all, and that in the meantime, you lost the one person who
really did love you the way you wanted?"
"No. This is where I tell you that she died before
I ever found out."
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"Don't be. She couldn't choose me. No matter what she felt. I knew that.
Even sort of respected it. But
that didn't make it hurt any less."
He sat up and stared down at her.
"But you're not in that situation.
He does notice you."
She met his gaze. "I know."
"I heard about his
mother. He needs you now. Very much."
"I'm not that important
to him."
"I think you are. You may be the only one that can help
him. The only one he'll let in."
"He didn't the last
time," she said, thinking of how he'd shut her out when Kirk had
died. "And, sweet goddess, Stephen,
are you schilling for the house, or what?
If you think I should be with him, just say it."
"I think you should be
with the person you most want to be with."
She closed her eyes in
frustration. "Oh, yeah, that's
helpful." She opened one eye. "This isn't the point where you say that
you're that person, is it?"
He laughed. "No, it really isn't."
"Good, because I don't
like you."
"Yes, I know. That's what makes this so fun." He stood up.
"I'm going to go get some dinner.
Are you hungry?"
"No. I'm going to stay here awhile."
"Instead of painting all
your problems on that ceiling, why don't you try ignoring them?"
She rolled over,
"Huh?"
"Deal with each moment
as it comes. Follow your heart,
Christine. Don't make a choice."
"No choice?" she
asked in confusion.
"No choice. Because if you choose, then you have to lock
one of them out. And I think you need
both of them, and they need you. Be
Kerr's lover and Spock's friend. Or love
them both in the way that makes sense to you."
"You're losing me."
"I don't think I
am. Figure out what you want and try to
get it."
As he was walking away, she
called out, "Penhallon, why?"
"Why figure it out? Or why did I come here tonight?"
"Why are you being so
nice to me?"
"Because it annoys the
hell out of you." He grinned
devilishly.
"You're a piece of
work."
"Forget me. Just figure out what you want,
Christine. It's all downhill from
there."
Yeah, Christine thought to
herself, but is that downhill as in not having to struggle uphill anymore, or
downhill as in without brakes and about to crash?
------------**---------------------
Nako followed Spock to the
transporter room. To her eyes, the pain
was rolling off of him in waves. To
anyone else, she reasoned, he would appear to be the soul of subdued
composure. They beamed directly to his
home and she followed him inside.
Hearing their arrival, Sarek
came out, his every move a study in fatigue.
He saw her and his expression lightened just slightly. "Nako.
You are here too."
She nodded and went to him,
taking the hands he didn't hesitate to offer her. "Old friend," she murmured.
He clasped her hands more
tightly. "She is in such pain. Our medics would give her medicine but it
makes her sick. I do not want her last
hours to be spent this way."
Nako pulled away gently. "I will go to her, Sarek." She looked at Spock and said, "Take care
of your father." When she was sure
the two men were all right, she turned and walked into Amanda's bedroom.
Nako gasped in surprise at
Amanda's appearance. The last time she
had seen her, the woman had still been young looking and beautiful. Now she seemed older than Nako herself as she
moaned, trying to find a comfortable position on the bed. On the bedside table incense infused with
calming perfumes had burned out. Nako
walked over and put a new cone in the censer, then lit it. The earthy fragrance began to fill the room,
causing Amanda to stir and call out, "Sarek?"
"Hello,
granddaughter," Nako soothed, as she sat on the side of the bed.
Amanda peered at her. "Nako?"
"I am here." Nako held her hand to Amanda's forehead. She could feel the pain and stress coming
from deep inside the woman.
"Shhh," she said, "do not fight it so." She pushed a little more firmly on Amanda's
forehead, opening her spirit to the other woman. She closed her eyes, sucking in her breath at
the onslaught of pain, then letting it out as the pain receded.
Amanda no longer moaned. She stared up at Nako, and her eyes seemed to
look at something in the far distance.
In a childlike voice, she said, "Grandmother Spider, I have not
seen you for so long. I looked for you
in the corn, but I could not find you."
Nako smiled. "That was in another life, child. You must concentrate on this one." She gently tapped Amanda on the temple and the
woman focused again on her.
"Nako? You came. Sarek will be so pleased. And is Spock with you?"
"He is. I will go get him." Nako rose and walked into the other room,
where both men looked at her expectantly.
"I have eased her pain. But
I cannot stop what is. There is only a
little time." She turned to
Spock. "She is asking for
you."
With a nod of thanks, he
hurried in to his mother.
Nako walked to Sarek. "I wish I could ease your pain, old
friend, but I cannot."
"It is enough that you
have helped her."
"I will always help your
family, Sarek."
"Your family, too,"
he said as he rested his eyes for a few seconds. She leaned down and kissed his forehead. I cannot ease your pain but I can give you
strength, she thought to him.
When she backed up, he opened
his eyes, his exhaustion diminished by her gift.
"Go to her, Sarek. Go to her while you still can."
She waited for him to do that
before requesting return to the ship.
----------------------
Christine was in her office
trying not to think about what Spock was going through, when her comm
chimed. "Chapel," she
answered, leaving it on audio only.
"You okay?" Kerr's voice was worried.
She switched on the video and
nodded as he appeared on the screen.
"You're worried about
him?"
She could tell he was trying
not to sound jealous. She decided not to
tell him he was failing miserably.
"I remember what it was like.
My mom died almost two years ago."
"I remember." His voice was full of sympathy. "But there's not much you can do for
him. If it's like last time, he's going
to shut down again for a while."
"I know." She took a deep breath. "Can we make it an early evening? Maybe eat in?"
He nodded. "Whatever you want."
"Thanks. I'll see you later."
He smiled gently, then the
screen went black.
The rest of her shift seemed
to take forever to finish. Worry about
Spock was making her too restless to settle down. Finally, she gave up trying to work. Christine took two of the goddesses from the
shelves in her office. Carrying them
against her, she sat down at her desk and studied them. The Egyptian cat goddess Bastet had been a
present from her mother the year before she had died. Christine absently stroked the smooth black
stone of the cat as she looked at the other goddess, a small statue of the
Vulcan T'Janra. Spock had given her it
just before the Carter's launch. He had
said that it had been in his family for a long time. She touched the sandstone to her lips and
prayed silently, "Help him, my lady."
Suddenly feeling better, she
put the statues back and left her office.
She had missed shift change; the Beta crew was already at work when she
left the bridge. She rode the lift alone
to deck two and walked slowly to her cabin.
She would need to call Randall when she got in. Sometimes she wished that he hadn't chosen to
stay in quarters closer to his marines.
She was rounding the corner
to her quarters when she saw Spock approaching from the other end of the
corridor. She knew there was only one
reason he'd be back on the ship. The vigil
was over. She waited for him at his door.
He did not speak when he
stopped in front of her. She saw from
his eyes that he was tired and entirely beaten, then he looked away from her
questioning gaze.
"I'm so sorry," she
whispered.
"I cannot talk about
it," he said hoarsely as he palmed open his door.
She wasn't sure why she did
it, but she followed him into his quarters.
He turned to her in angry surprise.
"Did you not hear me?"
She faced him down, then
pushed past him and walked to the beverage cabinet. "I heard you. Sit down." She found a stout and opening it carefully,
poured it into a glass. How long had it
been since she had done this? Not since
Kirk had died, she decided. When she
turned, he was still standing by the door.
She pointed with her free hand at the couch. "Sit.
Down."
His expression was flat and
he sighed audibly but he followed her directions. As he sank into the cushions, she walked over
and handed him the stout. He sipped it
slowly, not looking at her while she stood in front of him, watching his face.
He set the glass down on the
table behind her and looked up at her.
"I do not know what you want from me. I cannot talk about it."
"Maybe you need
to."
"You are not in a
position to dictate what I need."
She raised an eyebrow at
him. "You're right. I'm not." She saw something in his expression soften as
he looked at her. Reaching out gently,
she ran her hand down his cheek. "I
remember the pain, Spock, from when my mother died. I remember how it felt to go into her bedroom
that morning and have a mother, and leave that night motherless. I remember how it felt to be brave and
strong--even though my own heart was breaking--because I didn't want to stop
her from getting on with her journey."
Something in him seemed to
crack as she talked. His eyes were
sadder than she'd ever seen them.
"I remember how much it hurt, Spock. How terribly alone I felt. When it was over, I walked into the hall and
a friend of hers held me and let me cry.
The next day, I realized I didn't even know which friend it had been,
all I could remember was a gentle look and arms opening up to me. I still don't know who she was. But I'll never forget her kindness." She smiled at him as gently as she could and
held her arms out. "Let me be kind
to you."
He stared at her for a moment
that seemed to last forever, then he slowly sat up and leaned forward until his
head was resting against her stomach.
She closed her arms around him and rocked gently. His arms wrapped around her, and she rested
her face on his head, from which a faint smell of incense rose. She crooned, "It's all right,
Spock. I've got you."
His arms tightened and he
pressed his head more firmly against her body.
He didn't make a sound as she moved them slowly back and forth. Then suddenly, he pulled away and looked up
at her. Confused she let go and watched
as he sank back against the cushions.
Reaching out to take her hand, he pulled her down slowly enough that she
could resist if she wanted to. When she
didn't, he guided her down onto his lap.
"I can't talk about it," he repeated again, this time in a
voice that was almost pleading.
And she understood what he
would never say. "Then tell me
another way," she replied as she guided his fingers to the meld points.
He resisted for a moment. "It hurts so much."
She smiled and pulled his
hand the rest of the way. "I'm
strong. Show me."
His fingers were hot against
her temple and cheek. She felt his mind
seeking entrance and then they were one.
She gasped at the grief that assailed her from every direction. It hurt so much. But it was also familiar; she remembered the
pain from her own loss. And he was
buried under it. The pain from Kirk's
death was still there too--the wound hadn't healed so much as crusted closed,
and this fresh grief had ripped it open.
*She is gone.* His voice was all around her.
*Yes. She is.* Christine sent him compassion and
understanding. She shared the pain she
had felt when she had sat at her mother's bedside and watched her die. He opened up to her, giving her permission to
go deeper. She was suddenly witnessing
what he had just been through. Amanda
lay on the bed, her breathing growing more labored. Sarek sat on a chair to one side of the bed,
not even trying to hold his normally stoic mask in place. Spock sat on the other side of his mother's
bed. He had seen his father take
Amanda's hand in his, but did not follow suit.
She could feel his guilt that
he had not touched his mother. *Why
didn't you?* she asked gently.
*My control was imperfect. I was afraid of what kind of damage my pain
might do to her.*
He let her see the long
vigil. How he sat for hours, his gaze
shifting from his father to his mother and back again. How he waited as the woman who he and his
father both loved without reservation left them behind. He was looking at his father when he saw
Sarek's expression change to one of broken disbelief. Spock looked back at Amanda but she was gone.
*I missed it,* Spock's mind
voice was full of self-loathing. *One
tiny moment. And I missed it.*
She sent him
forgiveness. *I missed it too,
Spock. I looked away. But I think that if we don't see, it's
because we aren't meant to...or because we don't need to. Maybe you were meant to see your father's
face, to understand how much he loved her.*
*He did love her.*
*Yes, he did. As did you.*
*I did not tell her.*
*You didn't need to. She knew.*
*How can you be so sure?*
She felt his mood becoming
more anxious. *Shhh, Spock. She knew.
We always know.*
She felt him pull her
physically closer. *Do you know? That I love you?*
*I know, Spock.* She felt his emotion flood her, realized she
was doing the same thing for him, filling the mental space between them with
her own feelings: compassion, respect, sympathy, and love. So much love.
*Stay with me for a while?*
he asked.
*Of course,* she answered
unhesitatingly.
He deepened the meld and let
go of her face, his arms reaching around to steady her as he slowly shifted to
the side until they were lying together on the couch. He pulled her tightly against him, wrapping
his arms around her. She relaxed against
him and let his grief surround her. She
did not realize at first that she was weeping.
As he wiped her tears from her cheek, she heard his gentle, *Yes, cry
for her, my Christine. Give her what I
cannot.*
------------------------------
Kerr rang the chime
again. Christine should have been back
from her shift by now. Where had she
gone? He was about to go see if she was
in her office, when Nako walked around the corner. She saw him and stopped, then frowned deeply
and her eyes seemed to turn inward as if she was in pain. Stepping forward, he said, "Are you all
right, Ambassador?"
She let him steady her,
glancing for a moment toward Spock's door before she slowly straightened. "You are here to meet, Christine,"
she said as if that were a bit in doubt.
"That's right."
Nako smiled a strange smile
and took his arm. "She was
detained. Why don't you eat with
me?"
"That's very sweet, ma'am,
but I think I'll just wait here."
"It will be a long wait,
my dear. Come and make an old woman
happy by giving her some of your time."
"Yes, ma'am," he
reluctantly agreed.
She smiled at him. "You are a polite one. It's sweet, but my name is Nako." She took his arm and turned him toward the
lift. "And I shall call you
Randall. We haven't had much of a chance
to get to know one another. I think we
should remedy that. How fortunate for us
that Christine was held up."
He looked at Christine's door
helplessly as the small but surprisingly strong woman drew him away. They were in the mess hall before he could
put together a logical reason to get out of dinner and find out what Christine
was doing that was so important.
Kerr watched as Nako ordered
soup from the replicator. "That's
all you're having?"
"I don't have much
appetite right now. But your concern is
touching." Her look was mischievous
as she asked, "Do you trust me to order for you?"
"It better be more than
just soup. I'm still a growing
boy," he teased.
She handed him her tray.
"Go find us a table and I will surprise you."
He chose the nearest
table. Nako walked over and set a tray
in front of him. It held spaghetti and
some fruit. He tasted the spaghetti and
looked at Nako suspiciously. "This
is how my mom makes it, with everything cooked together. I'm sure this recipe isn't in the
database."
She shrugged. "You must not have looked hard
enough."
He poked through the
fruit. There wasn't a single type that
he didn't like. "Nako, how did you
do this?"
She grinned at him. "Maybe you should spend less time asking
how and more time asking why." She
took a delicate sip of her soup.
"Well, that's certainly
cryptic. Do you ever give a straight
answer?"
"Those are overrated. It's the things in life that make you think
or that challenge you that really matter.
Easy answers or having what you want just handed to you is no way to
grow."
He narrowed his eyes. "Why does this sound like a
lecture?"
"I don't lecture,
Randall. I just think about
things."
They ate in companionable
silence for a bit. Every now and then
the mess door would open and he would look up hopefully, only to realize that
it wasn't Christine that had entered.
After the fifth time he did this, Nako said gently, "She has been
detained. She won't be joining us."
"So you said. So where is she?"
Nako ignored him, seemingly
engrossed in her soup. Before he could
ask again she asked him, "Have you spent any time in the desert?"
"A bit. Survival training mostly."
Nako seemed very far
away. "The desert is the most
beautiful place. Have you seen it after
a rainstorm?"
He was suddenly back in the
Mojave and walking among the flowers that had sprung up everywhere. "I've never seen so much color."
She nodded. "Such a difference. From parched and empty to vibrant and
blossoming, all because of a single storm."
"Are we still talking
about the desert?"
Her look was utter
innocence. "What else would we be
talking about?"
They finished the rest of
their meal in silence.
------------------------
Christine was floating in a
sea of her own tears. She could taste
the salt when she turned her face to look at the setting sun.
*You are dreaming.*
She felt Spock shift against
her and realized she had fallen asleep.
*I'm sorry.*
*There is nothing to be sorry
for.* He gently pulled his mind from
hers.
She opened her eyes and
squinted at how bright the lights were.
"Lights at fifty
percent," he said, and the cabin dimmed immediately.
"Thank you."
"You are tired. You should go to sleep." He touched her hand, slowly running his own
over it. "It is just a touch. Just skin held to skin. How can it offer such comfort?"
"Because we're
mammals. It's instinctive to seek it, to
want it." She curled her fingers
around his. "In medicine, we know
that a touch can ease a restive patient, perhaps even help heal those who are
sick or injured."
He considered that. "It must have been hard on Canara
Seltax. With the biosuits on, you could
not touch anyone."
She nodded, remembering the
horrible deaths she had witnessed as the hemorrhagic fever had raged on the
planet.
"I did not mean to bring
up such unpleasant memories." He
let go of her hand.
"You got that from me
just then?" she asked in surprise.
He nodded. "Your touch and the meld we just shared,
as well as the time we spent together before.
Your feelings about our first mission came through quite clearly."
She smiled. "If I want to hide anything from you,
I'll have to be more careful."
He nodded seriously. "Yes, you will." He stood, waiting as she got to her feet
before walking her to the door. "I
do not know how to thank you, Christine."
"I know, Spock. I was in there," she said, pointing at
his head.
"Indeed, you
were." He stood in the doorway for
a moment. "Sleep well."
"You too," she said
as he backed up and let the door close.
She turned to go to her own quarters, just in time to see Nako and Kerr
coming down the corridor.
"Otherwise
detained?" Kerr said angrily to Nako.
Nako seemed unaffected by his
irritation "I did not say how. Only that she was busy." She turned to look at Christine. "Did I lie, child?"
Christine shook her head.
Nako turned back to Kerr, and
gave him a smile rich with understanding.
"I think it is time I said goodnight, Randall."
"Nako."
She turned and smiled at
Christine. "Goodnight, child."
"Goodnight, Nako. It's good to see you out."
"I told you I'd be
fine." Nako disappeared around the
corner.
Kerr stared at
Christine. His posture was more rigid
than she'd ever seen it, and his mouth was set in a tight line. She started to react, felt anger begin to
boil. Then she took a good look at his
eyes. They were full of betrayal and
pain. Her anger evaporated.
"Come in, Randall,"
she said.
"I don't think that
would be a very good idea."
She walked over to him and
laced her arm through his. "I'm
willing to risk it."
He jerked away. "For god's sake, Christine, I can smell
him on you."
She moved deliberately close
to him. "Yes, I imagine you
can."
His mouth got even tighter.
"And if I were to take
my clothes off, you wouldn't smell him at all."
His eyes narrowed.
"Randall, I'm in the
hall. I'm not in there." She pointed at Spock's quarters. "That should tell you
something."
He let out the breath she
hadn't realized he was holding.
"Fine, inside." He took
her arm and led her none too gently to her own door. She palmed it open and he pushed her in,
letting go of her arm once they were inside.
As soon as the door had
closed, she turned, stopping him in his tracks.
Reaching around to lock the door, she quickly undid her uniform and
undressed. She grabbed his head with her
hands and pushed it down. "Smell. Am I lying to you?"
He resisted at first, then
she could feel his face moving across her skin, could hear as he sniffed at
her...all over. She relaxed her grip,
gently moving her fingers through his hair in the way he liked. He stood back up slowly. His eyes were no longer as angry. "I thought..."
"I know what you
thought," she said as she drew him to her for a long kiss.
When they finally pulled
away, he looked down at her, and with a confused half-smile said, "Why
would you make me do that?"
She laughed slightly as she
said, "Because we're mammals. And
you--" she poked him in the chest "--are an extremely territorial
one."
"I never used to
be." He ran his hands over her
possessively. "I'm not sure I like
what I'm feeling."
She bent down and picked up
her uniform, then taking his hand and leading him to the replicator, said,
"Order me something? I'm
starved." She went into her bedroom
and slipped on some comfortable clothes.
As she tossed her uniform into the recycler, she heard him taking dishes
off the replicator tray.
He looked up as she walked
out. "Did you want to eat at the
table?"
"That's fine." She sat and looked up at him. He seemed a bit lost. "Sit down, Randall."
He didn't move.
"Please?"
He sat.
She took a bite and finding
it delicious smiled at him in thanks. He
knew what she liked.
She watched as he gradually
started to relax. When he was no longer
clenching his jaw, she said softly, "Spock's mother died today."
She saw several levels of realization
hit him at once. Then he looked
down. "That never occurred to
me."
"Why would it? You were already unhappy with my relationship
with him. Then I stood you up and you
see me coming out of his quarters. You
thought the most logical thing under the circumstances." She smiled faintly. "Or maybe the most emotional
thing."
"Is he okay?"
She looked up from her
food. "I think so. I helped him." She didn't look away.
Neither did he. "What's going on here, Christine?"
She put her fork down. "Things have changed."
"You think I don't know
that?"
"I don't just mean
that. I mean that he let me in this
time. Emotionally."
Randall rolled his eyes. "Don't you think that's because you
slept with him?"
She nodded. "Probably."
"So now that you're his
new bedmate, he can let you share his pain?"
It was her turn to roll her
eyes. "I'm not his new
bedmate." She thought about
that. "Well, okay, I was his new
bedmate. But that's not a recurring
role."
"Isn't it?"
She shook her head. "I don't intend it to be. "
"How can I believe
that?"
She reached over and took his
hand. Bringing it to her lips, she said,
"You have to trust me."
He sighed as her lips touched
his skin. "And I should do that
why?"
"Because I love
you," she said.
"And you know I love
you." Kerr suddenly stood up and
began to pace.
Christine watched him for a
moment, then rose and disposed of her dishes.
"Does that help you? Because
when I do it, it never really makes me feel any better."
He looked at her. "Is this a joke to you?"
"Of course
not." His pacing continued. Finally, she asked, "Why don't you just
ask me what you really want to know?"
He stopped in
mid-stride. "Maybe I don't want to
hear the answer."
"Maybe you don't,"
she agreed.
"Well, that's certainly
the way to reassure me."
"Who says I'm trying to
reassure you?"
He turned quickly, walked the
few steps to her and grabbed her by the arms.
"Goddamn it, Christine, just tell me!"
"Yes," she said
quietly, "I love him too."
He let go of her abruptly and
stared down at her with disbelieving eyes, seemingly unable to think of what to
say.
She continued, "I've
loved him for almost half my life, Randall.
Do you think that just stops? Do
you think that just goes away?"
He took a step back.
She followed him. When she spoke again, her voice was perfectly
even. "I'd given up hope, and then
the powers whoever they may be paired us up again. Spock and I were headed somewhere together,
building something that might have been good, when Kirk died and all hell broke
loose. That's when you showed up. That's when you decided to walk into the
middle of this. And you knew it when you
did it. You knew damn well what you were
getting into."
He backed away again, and she
made up the distance, putting her hands on his chest. "It wasn't over, even if it had never
really begun. But I acted like it
was. I chose you and then I wanted to
pretend that I'd never been headed down that path with Spock. I know you never asked me to, but I thought I
had to. For us. But it was uncomfortable and unnatural. And unfair.
To Spock. To me. And to you.
Because it was a lie.
"I'm not unaware of
him. I can't just pretend that all there
is between him and me is a professional relationship." Kerr tried to push her away but she held on
tightly. "And he needs me. He needed me in the cave, and he needed me
tonight. And he'll no doubt need me
again."
"And you'll be there for
him?"
She nodded. "This isn't just a 'he'll get over it'
moment. This isn't something I can walk
away from. Because if he withdraws this
time, he's never coming back. He'll be
gone and everything we have here will be too.
Everything. This ship, this crew
that's just starting to come together, the potential to make a truly incredible
difference. It'll all go away. Because Spock's a crucial part of that. Without him, this won't be the same for any
of us. Without him, we lose
everything."
"Fine. I get it.
I won't ask you or anyone else to live without him." He jerked his arm away from her and walked to
the door.
She ran the other way,
stopping him before he could leave.
"Get out of my way,
Christine."
"Or you'll what,
Randall? Hurt me?" She stepped closer. "You'd never hurt me."
He was furious, his eyes
blazing as he tried to move her aside.
It took all her strength to
resist. "You're not about
that. You're about making my life
brighter. And holding me when I cry. And helping me deal with my own grief. And saving me from lustful Ferengi. And dancing with me at a Klingon party. And loving me till I think I want to die of
pleasure."
He stopped pushing her and
just held on to her arms, his eyes searching hers.
"You're the kindest man
I've ever known. And the one I'd most like
to have at my back if things got bad.
You make me laugh, Randall.
That's a gift."
He swallowed hard.
"I love him, I do. I know that's hard for you to hear. And maybe it won't feel good to know that at
times I'm going to be telling him that.
Going to be trying to reach out to him.
But I came back to you after the Pon Farr. I didn't let him bond with me. You're the man, Randall, who I plan to go to
sleep with tonight and to wake up with tomorrow. Tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after
that." She pulled away and backed
up several steps. "If you'll have
me?"
He blinked hard. She found herself doing the same. The moment stretched out endlessly.
Then he finally spoke, and
his voice was an echo of the wise-ass marine she had come to love. "I'm not real clear, Chapel, on what
'reaching out to him' means."
"Well, mostly it means
that I want to be his friend. I don't
want to avoid him and feel like I can't spend time with him."
"Hmm."
She swallowed. "And I guess, it means that sometimes
you may smell him on my clothes."
"But not
underneath?"
She thought of the passion
she and Spock had shared when the burning had ebbed but the desire had
not. Their only time, they had
said. Never again. She nodded.
"Not underneath."
It took him two steps to
reach her and two more to push her up against the wall. "Does this mean I'm going to have to
sniff you every time I see you?"
She took a chance and said in
her best bedroom voice, "Would that be a hardship?
He kissed her savagely. When he finally let her up for air, he said,
"I told you once, I'm not sharing."
"To some extent, you're
going to have to."
He sighed. "I guess reminding you that you chose me
is a nonstarter at this point?"
She nodded solemnly before
letting her expression turn wicked, "Reminding me _why_ I chose you might
be a good idea though."
He studied her for several
long seconds, then shook his head in defeat.
"I really don't like this, Christine."
She smiled
sympathetically. "I know."
"I should never have fallen
in love with you," he complained, as he turned and dragged her into the
bedroom. "Stupidest thing a man can
do, falling for a woman like you."
She was going to reply, but
he put his hand over his mouth.
"For the love of god, Christine, no more talking tonight. Please?"
She took pity on him and
answered with a passionate kiss instead.
----------------**---------------------------
Christine hurried off the
lift to take her command chair. She and
Kerr had overslept, something they never did.
They had both been drained from their discussion and its rather stormy
if silent aftermath. Christine busied
herself with finalizing efficiency reports and didn't look up as she heard the
doors to Spock's ready room open. When
he walked down to sit beside her, she continued to enter data but asked
quietly, "Are you okay?"
"If I am still needed
after our refits our completed, Starfleet will allow us to remain in orbit for
as long as my presence is required. It
appears that the Federation wishes to send proper representation to the
memorial service. They are asking us to
postpone it until tomorrow in order to prepare some formal speeches. I fear my mother's service is to become a
Federation event."
"Did you tell your
father?"
"Yes. He is not pleased."
"I wouldn't think
so."
"I must go back down and
help him with the arrangements."
She looked at him
sympathetically. "If you need
anything, you know where we are."
"Yes." He stood up and formally gave her the
conn. She resolutely turned back to the
reports. She would not spend the entire
shift worrying about him.
At the end of her shift she
was surprised to see Kerr getting off the lift.
He gestured to her office and she gave the conn over to Sabuti and
followed him into the room. "What
is it?"
"Just wanted to see
you," he gave her a self-conscious smile.
Then he slipped into professional marine mode. "And I want you to take a look at this. May I?" he asked, gesturing to her
terminal.
"Be my guest."
He called up a schematic and
she leaned over him to see what it was showing.
It looked like a map. "What
are we looking at?"
"Security plan for
tomorrow. Got it from the Vulcan chief
security officer." He pointed to
several places on the diagram. "These
are vulnerable spots that you could drive a shuttlecraft through." He looked up at her. "Of course they sent me this just as
they were leaving for a function so there's nothing I can do tonight. But I want to go down early tomorrow and see
if I can't get this beefed up."
"Sounds like a good
idea. Thank you."
He gave her a wry grin over
his shoulder. "Just doing my job,
sir."
"I know. It's what I love about you."
He swiveled the chair so that
he was facing her. "Did you think I
wouldn't look out for him because of all that's happened."
She shook her head. "Actually no. I don't think it would occur to you not
to." She smiled gently. "You're not like that."
He put his head back on the
chair and studied her. She submitted to
his stare, wondering what he was looking for and hoping that she was giving it
to him. Finally, he looked away. "I've got to be down there early. And after last night...I think I'll make it
an early evening."
She wasn't sure if he was
testing her or trying to give her an out.
"I'm beat too. Going to bed
early sounds great. My place or
yours?"
"It can be alone."
"It can be," she
agreed. "But I don't want it to
be. Do you?"
He seemed to relax. "Not really."
"Good. I'll see you in my quarters when you're
done." She touched his shoulder for
a moment then, moving aside so he could get up, she followed him out to the
bridge.
He stood for a moment
studying the shot of Vulcan that was taking up the viewscreen. "It's beautiful from here."
"They all are."
He laughed. "That's true. Pretty marbles hung in space." He gave her a last smile and left.
Beta shift started to trickle
in a few moments later. Christine waited
till the whole crew had turned over before she left. Ordering some light food to snack on, she sat
down at the table and waited for Kerr to arrive. He was there a few minutes later. They finished the food, managing to keep the
discussion to only the safest topics.
They were both too tired to stray into the deeper territory of last
night.
He got up and disposed of the
dishes. "Come on, Chapel. You can't keep your eyes open."
She followed him into the
bedroom. Undressing quickly, she slid
under the covers. He followed her and
wrapped his body around her. His whispered,
"I love you" was the last thing she heard before morning.
After eating a quick
breakfast, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her gently. She sank against him, reminded of how strong
his body was as he supported her.
"I love you," she told him when they finally pulled away.
He tapped her gently on the
nose. "You just keep reminding
yourself of that," he said seriously before kissing her again quickly and
leaving.
Christine showered and
slipped on one of her dress uniforms.
She was in the bathroom trying to get her hair into something resembling
regulation when the door chimed. She
hurried to the other room.
"Come," she said and the door opened to reveal Spock, holding
a package under one arm.
"I thought you were on
Vulcan."
"I was. May I come in?"
He looked around the room and
she realized he was looking for Kerr.
"He's already gone."
"I see." Spock sat down on the couch, setting the
package next to him. "My mother's
memorial has turned into a Federation event."
She joined him. "As you predicted."
"Being right is no
satisfaction in this case."
"I know. Randall doesn't like it either. It's a security nightmare."
Spock nodded. "He is right." He sighed.
"I am not sure I think this kind of..." he searched for the
word
"Circus," she
offered.
"Yes. That this kind of circus is
appropriate."
"But your family is
important to the Federation. I think
it's natural that those who've benefited from you and your father would want to
honor you. But, like many diplomatic
events, it's spiraled a bit out of control."
He raised an eyebrow at her.
"I know. It's scary when I'm the logical one."
"It is. But you may be correct. In any case, there is nothing we can do about
the memorial. It has taken on a life of
its own. We've had to move it to a
larger site and a later hour. My father
has decided to hold a smaller service beforehand for our family at the
house."
She nodded. "That's a good idea. Saying goodbye should be with those you hold
dearest."
He met her gaze, his eyes
dark and intense. "I agree. That is why I was hoping you would
attend."
She was touched. "But I'm not family, Spock."
"I have come to learn
over the years that there are those who are family by blood and those who are
family by choice." He took her hand
in his. "You are more than family
to me."
Wondering if she was
imagining that she could sense his need to have her with him at the ceremony,
she laid her other hand on top of his.
The sensation grew stronger and she looked at him in wonder, marveling
for a moment at the feeling. "I'd
be honored to come. Is there anything I
should know?"
He shook his head. "The
ritual is a simple one. And only my
father will be a participant. But you
will need this." He gently withdrew
his hands and handed her the package.
"It is from Nako," he explained as she shook out the
robe. "The color of my house,
appropriate to the occasion."
Christine turned to him. "She made this that fast?"
He shook his head. "She made this, and one for me, when she
was secluded."
"She knew,"
Christine said wonderingly. "She
knows so much."
"Yes, she does. You should know something before you decide
to wear this." He pointed to
several designs in the fabric. "These
symbols she included announce you have a special significance to me."
"Which is what?"
He did not look away. "That you are my beloved."
She considered. "You mean mate?"
"No. There is a different combination of designs
for that. This is for those who are
t'hy'la. Do you know the word?"
She nodded. "I had lots of time to read up on things
like that back on the Enterprise. Where
do you think I got the recipe for plomeek soup?"
He gave her the slight smile
that she loved to see. "I had
wondered."
"Now you
know." She touched the robe
gently. "Who am I to argue with
Nako's choice of design?"
Appearing a bit relieved,
Spock stood up. "The service is in
three hours. It might cause less
questions to change at the house."
She smiled. "From the crew? Or just one particular member."
"Yes," he answered,
and she could hear Kirk in his voice for a moment--it was exactly what the
captain would have said.
She laughed as she handed the
robe back to him. "Jim rubbed off
on you, I think."
For once the name did not cause
a shadow to appear between them. Spock
just nodded seriously and said, "I believe that was inevitable." He headed for the door. "I am going back down now. Beam to my parent's...my father's house in
three hours."
She saw his mask slip as he
corrected himself and she walked over to him.
"It gets easier."
His look was skeptical. "When?"
"In a few years,"
she admitted as she lifted her hand to his cheek. "When my father died, it took me that
long to stop wanting to ask my mother about him. It's hard to let the ones you love go,
Spock. Especially in places that are
filled with memories of them, or with people that we associate with them. Your home here and Sarek will always remind
you of her."
He put his hand over hers,
letting his control drop for a few seconds as he rested his face against her
hand. Then the Vulcan mask slipped back
into place and he left.
--------------------------------
Kerr was hounding Telev and
the Vulcan security chief was beginning to look a little irritated. Kerr didn't care. This memorial was turning into a nightmare
and he wasn't going to sit on his hands when he knew he could help. His counterpart could get as annoyed as he
wanted. Vulcans were good...hell, they
were superior at many things, but imagining what someone determined to cause
trouble would do wasn't one of them.
"Sir, I cannot stress enough the shortsightedness of this security
plan."
"So you have said,
Colonel. Repeatedly."
Kerr tried appealing to
logic. "What can I do to convince
you?"
"I do not see a reason
to add personnel at these points you have said are vulnerable. I see no holes in our security approach. They are merely redundant and will be a
nuisance to those who have gathered here to mourn the wife of one of our great
houses."
"You aren't looking at
this in the right way."
Telev raised an elegant
eyebrow. His tone was annoyingly
superior. "Perhaps it is you who
lack the facilities to analyze the problem."
"Hold that
thought," Kerr said as he walked into the larger room outside of Telev's
office. It was full of representatives
from the visiting entourages--some registering their spacecraft, others in
search of special accommodation. He
searched the crowd till he saw a profile that had a familiar pattern of
ridges. Pushing his way through the
crowd, he tapped the woman on the shoulder and in his best Klingon said,
"I need the services of a warrior."
The woman turned, irritation
clearly written on her features, then she howled in pleasure--causing several
people to back away anxiously--and slapped Kerr on the back. "Colonel Kerr! You are a sight for bored eyes."
He laughed. "Kehmak, what are you doing here?"
She shrugged. "We were in the neighborhood. Mak'chak wanted to honor the mother of the
man who was the architect of peace."
"Uh huh," Kerr said
as he led her to Telev's office.
"And you hold peace in such high regard."
"Peace no, honor
yes," she said easily.
"Besides it was this or another trade negotiation and Mak'chak was
not going to sit through one of those again if he, or I, could help it. Why do you need a warrior?"
"You'll see in a
second," he answered as he marched back into the security office.
Telev's annoyance increased
when he saw the Klingon. "What are
you doing, Colonel."
Kerr picked up the security
plan and handed it to Kehmak. "If
you were going to attack somewhere today, where would you do it?"
She glanced at the plan then
put it down and began pointing to all the places he had told Telev needed
additional security. 'Here, and here, or
here. Or possibly here." She looked up at Kerr, "I thought you
said you needed a warrior? A Klingon
toddler could figure that out."
Kerr had to hide his
amusement.
"Very well,
Colonel. We will add security as you
have advised."
"I'd like to bring some
of my own marines down."
"Out of the
question."
Kerr leaned forward and said
in a reasonable tone. "It would be
a symbol of unity. You know, humans and
Vulcans working together as we have from the beginning. And we are Captain Spock's own security
force. I believe it would mean something
to him to have us here."
Telev waved him away. "Fine.
But if there are any incidents because of them."
Kehmak said, "I might
attack a few Vulcan guards. But a man
like him," she grinned at Kerr.
"I'd think twice about that."
"I have much work to
do. If you'll excuse me." Telev was clearly sick of them.
As they walked out of the
building, Kehmak laughed. "I could
take you in a matter of minutes. A
Vulcan on the other hand."
"True. But would the Vulcan even know where to
look?"
"Probably not. So where is Christine?"
He stopped walking, his
attention caught by the sight of Spock striding toward him from the direction
of the spaceport.
Kehmak made a deprecating
sound. "Is she still fixated on
that one?"
"Not all the time."
"That sounds
promising."
"Not the word I'd use to
describe what's going on."
Kehmak shrugged, "Love
rarely comes with a star chart, Colonel."
"Yeah, but a few basic
rules would be nice." He turned in
time to salute Spock. "Sir."
"At ease,
Colonel." Spock looked at the
Klingon.
She nodded graciously, her
prior dislike surprisingly well hidden as she paid her respects. "Captain, my condolences on your
loss."
"Most kind." Spock nodded back, then motioned Kerr aside
and said, "The Vulcan security chief is a notoriously difficult man to
move once he has established a plan, but I think you should try to get
reinforcements in certain areas."
Spock looked over at the city's main park, one of the areas Kerr had
noted as a problem. "There are gaps
in his coverage."
Kerr smiled. "Already talked to him, sir. I was just about to call for some of our
marines."
"You persuaded him to
change his mind?"
Kerr pointed to Kehmak with
his chin. "She helped."
"And he is letting our
forces assist?"
Kerr nodded.
"Fascinating." Spock seemed to choose his words carefully as
he added, "And what I should have expected from you, Colonel, given your
resourcefulness in the past. I hope you
know that I have never regretted choosing you for this position."
"Never, sir?" Kerr kept his voice as even as he could, but
he knew that challenge was rife in his words.
"We have not had a
chance to talk since..."
Kerr knew what he was
saying. "No, we haven't. Not sure that this is the place to hold that
particular conversation."
"You are
angry." There was no condemnation
in Spock's words. "As you have
every right to be."
Kerr chose to say nothing.
Spock added, "She is a
vexing woman at times."
"You won't get any
argument there, sir."
Spock nodded. "But, as you say, this would be better
held at another time and place. I
appreciate your efforts on my behalf with security."
"You're my captain. And you don't need a security problem added
to your burden."
Spock seemed about to walk
away, then he turned back. "Thank
you, Randall. I appreciate that."
It took Kerr a moment to
realize Spock had called him by his first name.
---------------------------------
In one of the many guest
bedrooms in Sarek's house, Christine was changing out of the robe Nako had made
and back into her dress uniform.
Refastening the hair that had fallen while she'd switched outfits, she
thought back to the simple ceremony that had been held in Amanda's honor. Sarek's words honoring his wife had been
touching. He had behaved in a manner
that was totally Vulcan, yet his love for Amanda had come through anyway. It had made Christine so sad for him...and a
little worried. How long had it been
since he'd had to fend for himself?
There had been quite a few
curious glances at her and the robe she wore.
At first she had felt uncomfortable but then Spock had turned to her,
leaning in and whispering in her ear, "Ignore them."
And she had done so. This day wasn't about her, nor was about
those who didn't approve of her or the role she was playing here. This was about Spock's mother.
Sarek had come up to her
after the ceremony. To her surprise, he
had clasped her hands tightly.
"Commander Chapel. It is
good to see you."
"Ambassador. I'm so deeply sorry for your loss."
"Most kind," he had
muttered in a way that told her the words had become rote for him.
They had been alone, so she
had said softly, "I cannot begin to imagine the depth of your grief,
Ambassador. But I lost someone I loved
long ago. Spent years searching for
him. So in some small way, I do
understand the pain you feel."
"Perhaps you do,
Commander." He had released her
hands in order to touch the robe.
"Do I recognize Nako's work here?"
"You do, sir."
His next question had shocked
her. "Do her symbols overstate the
nature of the relationship you have with my son?"
"I'm not sure I know the
exact nature of my relationship with him."
"That is an honest
answer. I accept it." He had looked over at Spock. "Take care of my son, Christine. He will need your help in the days to
come."
"What of you? Who will help you?"
He had waved her concern
away. "I will keep busy. I have my classes to teach, and my wife's
flowers to tend."
Christine had remembered how,
after her father had died, her mother had tried to book every vacant moment so
that there were very few she spent alone.
"Busy is good, Ambassador.
But you can't always be that way.
Sometimes you just have to feel the grief, not run from it."
"Perhaps. Now if you'll excuse me, I must make the
rounds. It is required."
She had nodded
sympathetically, then made her way to the bedroom to change. Checking the chrono on the bedside table, she
had realized they had just enough time to get to the memorial service.
A discreet knock on the door
ended her reverie. "Come in."
Spock entered. He had not changed out of his robe. He picked up the one she had worn, stroking
it gently then surprising her by holding it to his nose. "It smells of you...warm and
comforting."
She walked toward him and
took the robe from him to sniff it.
"I don't smell anything."
He gave her a
half-smile. "You are not a Vulcan
male."
Or a human one either, she
thought ruefully, as she opened her arms to him. He went in willingly, holding her
tightly. As their bodies pressed
together, she could feel his pain and sadness.
"I'm so sorry," she said as he buried his face in her
neck. She felt his lips on her neck for
a moment, then he pulled away.
"We must go."
She followed him out to the
flitter he'd reserved. Sarek had gone
ahead and the two of them rode in silence.
As he touched the little ship down in a space that had been reserved for
the family, Christine saw the rest of the Carter command staff waiting for
them.
Spock opened the door and let
her out. He nodded formally to her then
went to join his father in the seats reserved for them. She turned and headed toward the crew. She
saw Kerr and smiled at him as she approached.
He met her halfway and discreetly took her hand in his. "I'm going
to be out here, checking on the security.
I just wanted to see you before you went in."
She squeezed his hand. "I'm glad."
Kerr turned to watch Spock's
progress. Every few steps he was stopped
by a diplomat or well-wisher. "How
is he?"
"As well as can be
expected, I suppose." She looked up
at Kerr, wanting suddenly to hold him.
"I love you."
"What's that for?"
he said, but he looked pleased.
"I just do. I know things are weird. But I do love you." She looked around. They were as alone as they'd ever be in a
crowd this large, so she kissed him quickly.
"I love you
too." He smiled at her, "Oh
and hey, Kehmak's here."
"Really?" Christine smiled fondly. "I can't wait to see her."
"She said she'd find you
during the reception."
"I'll look forward to
it." Christine saw that Penhallon
had doubled back and was making some urgent hand motions. "I have to go. I love you."
"Love you," he
said, leaning in for one more quick kiss before hurrying off in the direction
of the back entrance.
She caught up with Penhallon
and they walked into the hall. "So
what's the emergency?"
"Well, I just wanted
some quality time with you."
"That was why you made
me rush over here?"
He nodded.
"You never give
up," she said.
"Ah, but I see you
followed my advice." When she
ignored him, he continued. "So you
didn't choose either of them. Or did you
choose both?" He suddenly seemed
very interested.
"None of your business,
Penhallon."
"Maybe I just want to
know if there's room in there for me?" he said with a sarcastic grin.
"Not if you were the
last man on Earth."
"We're not on Earth,
Christine." He laughed softly. "Or haven't you noticed?"
"I'm aware." She turned away and walked to her seat. The ceremony, for all the hubbub over it, was
quite short. In no time, they were
spilling out of the auditorium and down to the reception room. She hung back, looking for Kerr.
"Commander?"
She turned and saw the
priestess that Spock had brought on board heading for her. "Yes?"
"I wanted to see how you
were doing."
Christine felt a momentary
embarrassment, then realized that if anyone was going to understand what she
had been through, it would be this woman.
"I'm fine."
T'Clev did not press
her. "I am sorry we did not have
any time to get to know one another. I
am curious about you."
"I could say the same
thing. I guess it wasn't meant to
be." She looked down, unsure if she
should ask the question she really wanted to.
"Commander?"
"Were you sorry? I mean that it wasn't you?"
"I wasn't. You gave me a rare chance for
introspection. I think perhaps I have
lost some portion of myself over the years.
I was able to find her on board the Carter. In fact, I need to thank someone for that
before this is over." T'Clev seemed
to search the crowd, her face changing when she found the person she was
looking for. She nodded to Christine. "Good luck, Commander."
"Thank you," she
said, watching T'Clev walk over to Penhallon, who smiled and made room for her
next to him. Christine refused to
consider what role he might have played in the priestess's self-discovery.
"Waiting for me?"
"Yes," she said,
finally relaxing muscles she hadn't realized were tensed. She felt Kerr's hand circle her waist as he
guided her into the line and was happy to let him push her along. "Any trouble?"
"Not much. A couple of Andorian secessionists tried to
demonstrate at the front entrance. And
we caught a Bolian pickpocket working the crowd." He leaned in so only she could hear. "But I saw at least two people I
recognized and that I know recognized me.
I have a feeling they were here for a reason other than paying
respects. But the tail I assigned to
them definitely put a damper on that."
She shuddered, thinking of
what someone dedicated to committing mayhem might have accomplished in the
crowded venue. She placed her hand over
his where it sat on her waist. "I'm
glad you were here."
"Me too." He pointed to the veranda beyond the refreshment
table. "Kehmak's been asking about
you. Why don't you go talk to her?"
She saw her friend looking
bored by the open doors as Mak'chak tried animatedly to make small talk with
several diplomats that he had cornered.
Christine smiled as she saw them cower at each finger-jabbed
punctuation. She walked over and Kehmak
perked up considerably.
"I wondered if I was
going to see you?"
Christine took her arm and
led her outside. "Did you think I'd
miss a chance to say hello?"
Kehmak shot her a mischievous
glance. "I thought perhaps you were
too busy with Spock."
Christine rolled her
eyes. "So how much did Randall tell
you?"
"Quite a lot,
actually. Although I don't think he
meant to. I get the feeling that other
than you, he doesn't have anyone he confides in onboard." Kehmak looked out over the garden and pointed
to something. Christine followed her
direction and saw Kerr come out of the lower door and go to check in with
several of his marines. Christine felt
her heart turn over as she watched him.
Christine could feel Kehmak
watching her. "I don't understand
you, Christine. It is obvious how you
feel for him."
Christine finally tore her
eyes away from Kerr. "I know."
"If you love him, then
why do you still need Spock?"
Kehmak turned to look at Mak'chak.
"I have been with him for twenty years now. There are other men I find desirable, but I
have no need to taste them. Why do
you?"
"It's not like
that. There's no tasting." Christine sat down on the low ledge surrounding
the veranda, looking up at the Klingon, she answered, "And it's not that
simple."
Kehmak sighed. "Of course not." She sat down, facing Christine and taking a
deep breath before saying, "So why don't you explain to me how it
is?"
------------------------------
Kerr finished making the
rounds and, satisfied that there were no new security threats to deal with,
turned and looked up at the hall. He
could see Christine talking with Kehmak on the veranda. To get a better view, he walked into the next
section of the garden.
"Her rapport with the
Klingon woman is truly remarkable," Spock said just behind him.
Kerr whirled; stunned that he
hadn't heard the Vulcan approach. Then
he realized that Spock had been sitting there the whole time, Kerr had just
been too lost in thought to notice.
"I beg your pardon, sir. I
didn't mean to intrude on your privacy."
He started to turn.
"Colonel, stay."
Kerr turned reluctantly. "I still have some men to check
on."
"Sit, Randall. Please?"
Sighing in resignation, Kerr
sat at the other end of the bench.
"I'm very sorry about your mother."
Spock nodded and surprised
Kerr by saying, "I will miss her.
Very much." Then he looked
up and met Kerr's look with an unexpectedly intense one. "Christine reminds me of her in many
ways."
Kerr felt his hackles
rise. "Sir, I really don't think
now is the time."
"Yes, but when will it
be time?" Spock turned his gaze
back to Christine. "What is
happening with her has the potential to destroy our professional
relationship." He looked suddenly
at Kerr. "If it hasn't
already?"
Kerr shook his head. "It hasn't. Yet."
"I am relieved. You are a fine officer and I trust you,
Colonel. I do not easily trust
people. In fact, I could probably count
those that I have on one hand."
Kerr realized that he could
say the same thing about Spock. But he
found he didn't want to. "She is
very important to me, sir," he blurted, feeling instantly foolish.
But Spock only nodded. "As she should be. She deserves to be loved."
"Yeah, but by which one
of us?" Kerr couldn't help it, he
laughed. This was surely the oddest
conversation he'd ever had with a commanding officer.
"Both of us. One of us.
Neither of us." Spock's
voice dropped in volume. "Would you
transfer off the ship? Make her
choose...again?"
Kerr looked down. He wasn't going to admit that the thought had
occurred to him. Or that he had decided
against it because he already knew the outcome of such an action. "She'd choose you."
He was stunned to hear Spock
exhale heavily in what Kerr could only call amusement. "While I, on the other hand, believe she
would choose you."
He looked at the Vulcan. "You do?"
Spock met his look and
nodded. "But neither of us will
really know until that moment comes."
He rose, "And it is up to us to choose whether it comes now, later,
or never."
"I know." Kerr stood up too. "But the day may come that knowing the
answer becomes the most important thing."
"Indeed it
may." With a nod of his head, Spock
indicated he was going to go back into the building. "But perhaps if you and I make an effort
to understand each other better, then the relationships--whatever they may turn
out to be--that we are building with her will not sting so greatly. "
"I'm not sure I understand,
sir."
Spock looked up at the
veranda again. "We may never be
friends, Colonel. But she loves
you. And I would like to find out why. Can you not say the same? I am merely proposing a truce."
"We aren't at war,"
Kerr noted sharply.
"Not yet, anyway,"
Spock agreed. He looked up again,
"She has seen us."
Kerr looked up and even from
his distance from her he could tell she looked worried. He chuckled, "I bet this conversation is
making her very nervous."
"I believe you are
correct," Spock agreed.
Kerr turned away from the
veranda, his spirits unaccountably lightening as he preceded his captain into
the building. "Somehow, sir, that
makes me feel better."
Spock followed him back into
the jumble of people. As he was about to
turn away and begin mingling with the crowd, he said softly, "Somehow,
Colonel, I thought it might."
FIN