DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters
are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are the
creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2004 by Djinn. This story
is Rated PG-13.
Nexus
by Djinn
Sulu looked out at the ribbon
of light and energy. This...thing had
killed Captain Kirk, and Excelsior had been following it since it had left the
Enterprise-B and Sulu's daughter behind and made its way across
space--presumably back to wherever it had come from.
"It looks so
harmless," Jan said as she handed him the padd she'd been studying. "These are the last readings Demora took before the Enteprise-B
limped home." The look she gave him
was full of sympathy--this was not the way any of them had wanted the launch to
go.
"They shouldn't have
called it the
"There've been
Enterprises before ours; I think there will always be one. The name's not a curse, Hikaru." She smiled--a smile that he'd been waiting
for years to turn just a little warmer, to invite him in. But if anything, she was farther away than
ever.
He thought maybe she was out
there...wherever Kirk had gone.
Looking down at the padd, he
let her escape back to her station. He
was glad she was on Excelsior; she was a wonderful first officer. And an even better friend. It wasn't her fault he'd always wanted more
from her.
"Sir, we're being hailed." Carruthers looked
up from the communications station, surprise in his voice as he said, "It's a private shuttle, sir. Commander Chapel wishes to come aboard."
Jan's head shot up. Her eyes met Sulu's, an emotion he couldn't
read filling them. She wasn't still
jealous that Chris had been with Kirk all those years ago, was she?
"I'll meet her, tell the
shuttle to stand by," he said, already rising. He saw Jan getting ready to accompany him and
said casually, "Commander Rand, you have the conn."
The strange emotion again
flickered in Jan's eyes. He turned
away. If she was jealous of Chris, there
was nothing he could do about it.
Hurrying down to the
transporter room, he nodded to the transporter chief to beam their guest
over. A moment later, Chris materialized
on the transporter pad.
She seemed tired, and her
attempt at a smile only reinforced that sense of weariness. "Permission to come
aboard, sir?"
"Permission
granted." He smiled, warmly--as
warmly as he could. She looked like she
could use the welcome.
She was in uniform. He hadn't been sure what to expect since
she'd arrived on a private shuttle.
"No Fleet ships in the area, Commander?" he asked, trying for
a breezy tone as he led her out of the transporter room and to his private
office.
"I'm on leave. And I was in a hurry." She looked over at him. "They still haven't found a body."
"I know." There was no need to ask who she was talking
about. "I'm not sure they ever
will."
"I can't believe Jim's
really gone." She followed him into
the room, sitting down in one of the soft chairs set up near the
viewscreen. Her sigh as she settled into
the cushions was full of exhaustion.
"How long since you've
slept?"
"Since
I left. A day and a half ago. I wasn't traveling with the most reputable
group of people."
"Fast often equals
shady."
"I know that." Her expression seemed to dare him to tell her
she'd been stupid to hitch a ride on what was probably a smuggler's ship.
He might have lectured her if
she hadn't looked so beaten down.
"You're here now," he said gently. "I can show you to guest quarters?"
"Later." She swiveled the chair around, stared out at
the ribbon they were following. "Five more days?"
He nodded. Five more days and it would cross into the neutral
zone and Excelsior would go back to more interesting things.
"I hate that
thing."
He didn't answer, wasn't sure
what to say.
"I had to come. The
He frowned. Demora hadn't
mentioned that the Enterprise-B was under some kind of lock down.
Chris seemed to read his
look. "Off limits
to me, Hikaru, not to everyone.
Command doesn't trust me. And
they don't know I'm here. But they will
soon, if they check your communications log."
"They usually
don't. Just random
audits."
"Some things don't
change." She sighed, turning away
from the viewscreen as if she couldn't stand to see the ribbon anymore.
"Why off limits?"
"Valeris was my protege, Hikaru."
Chris's face went hard. "And
I was Admiral Cartwright's protege."
He looked down.
"Command was deeply
interested in what I knew of the conspiracy."
"You were
detained?"
"That's such a nice way
of putting it." She swallowed hard,
got up and walked to the far side of the room, staring down at his desk. "I'm only wearing this uniform out of
stubbornness. They want me gone, but I
don't feel like resigning."
"Is there a reason you
should leave?"
"No. Except that I'm guilty by
association." She played absently
with the things on his desk.
He pushed himself up and
walked over to her. Reaching out, he
barely touched her before she leaned back against him. How long had it been since they'd done this? Was it really since Excelsior had been
launched?
They'd been friends forever. They'd been more than friends for almost as
long. More than
friends but less than lovers.
"Sex buddies" was the term.
He'd heard some of his colleagues call it something ruder. It wasn't an uncommon arrangement for people
who spent their lives away from home and hearth. It was easier than trying to make a life with
someone perpetually left behind. He'd
found that out the hard way.
Wrapping his arms around her,
he kissed her neck. "Chris, why are
you here?"
He felt the sob shake her
before he heard it. "The last time
I saw Jim...it was awful. I'd just been
released from detention, and I ran into him in the corridors. I yelled at him, Hikaru. For not getting me
out." She sobbed again. "He didn't trust me enough to get me
out."
"I'm sorry." He held her tighter, let her cry.
It was hard to picture Chris
and Kirk being so at odds. They'd become
close during the mission after the V'ger encounter. It had surprised everyone at first that they
were together, but they'd seemed so much in love that no one had begrudged them
their happiness.
No one but
Jan. She'd never cared if Chris slept with Sulu,
but sleeping with Kirk had been another story.
It had hurt Sulu a little--okay, a lot--to know that he would always
rank behind Kirk with Jan. Far, far behind.
It had shocked him when Chris
and Kirk had broken up after the
"Were you still in love
with him?"
She shrugged, wiping at her
eyes. "What difference does it make
now?"
"I don't
know."
Turning, she stared up at him.
"How's Jan taking it?"
"Pretty much like you'd
expect." He couldn't keep the
bitterness out of his voice. He'd
idolized Kirk, but he'd spent most of his life jealous of the man's hold on the
woman he was crazy about.
"Have you told her how
you feel?"
He nodded. He'd told her several times. Each time had been after a serious bout of
alcohol. He didn't drink as a rule. Mostly because booze made him stupid enough
to blurt out truths that Jan didn't want to hear.
Chris shook her head. "She's an idiot."
"No, she's not. She's just Jan." He knew his smile would be the twisted, sad
one that told way too much to anyone who really knew him. And Chris really knew him.
But she let it go. Instead she leaned in and kissed him softly
on the mouth. "So, if Jan's still
being stupid, do you have a special friend already on board, Captain?"
He managed to give her a
stern look, ignoring how her lips made him feel. "I do not."
"Want a temporary
one?"
He nodded, pulling her back
for a longer kiss. When he drew away,
she buried her face in his neck, her arms pulling him close. She wasn't crying, but he could tell she was
close to breaking down.
"I've missed you,"
he murmured. It wasn't a lie. They'd always been compatible. Solid, easy friends who
occasionally fell into bed together.
"I've missed you
too. And I needed this. It was sheer self-indulgence, and I'll get in
trouble for it, and you might too, but I needed to be held."
"It's okay." He kissed her hair. "It's nice to be needed."
-------------------------
Christine scared her. Or maybe it was just the envy she felt that
scared her. Christine had loved
Kirk. Kirk had loved her. And Hikaru...
Didn't she mean it?
"Janice?" Christine's voice came from behind her, not
from the door to her quarters.
Turning, she saw Christine
coming down the corridor, a mess tray in her hands.
"Come in if you don't
mind watching me eat," Christine said, her voice a mix of friendly and
cautious.
"I didn't expect you to
show up on Excelsior."
"No reason you should
have." Christine's tone was sharp.
"I mean, you could have
told me you were on your way. We're
friends."
Christine shot her a look but
didn't say anything. She set the tray
down at the table and sat down, looking up at
"Eat. Before it gets cold."
"Too
late for that. It was cold when I got it."
Christine shot her another
sharp look. "You've still got
ties. I know you know what happened to
me."
"I know they questioned you."
"Questioned me? I was 'detained,' Janice. For two months."
"Valeris. You were right
about her."
"And
Matthew." Christine's face changed as she mentioned
Admiral Cartwright.
He'd died while in
custody. Some said suicide, others were
sure that he'd been killed.
"Some say I got where I
was by being close to him. That I was
pulled along on his coattails."
Christine studied her, as if trying to read what was underneath the
expression
"Did you?" The question was out before
"No. And if you need to ask, you don't know me
very well."
"I don't mean you got
ahead that way. But did you sleep with
him? I mean for fun?"
"No." Christine started to eat, spearing the food
with sharp, angry thrusts of the fork.
"You sleep with Hikaru
for fun."
"Since when do you care
what I do with Hikaru?"
"I don't."
She didn't care. She didn't care what Christine and Hikaru had
done in the past. And she didn't care
what they were going to do in the future--the very near future probably. Was he on his way now?
"Then you won't mind if
I do it again." There was more hurt
than anger in Christine's voice.
"Do what you
want."
Hikaru and Christine didn't
need her permission to do what they wanted to do. And that they were going to do it had been
clear the minute Hikaru told
"We haven't talked about
the captain,"
"Jim." Christine didn't look up.
Christine put the fork
down. "He's dead. What more is there to talk about?" She stabbed into her meal again, then just stared at the piece of cheese she'd trapped. "I wasn't with him, Janice. I haven't been with him for years."
"What do you
think?" The comment would have been
sharp, if there hadn't been such a note of self-deprecation in Christine's
voice.
Finally, her old friend was
peeking out of this harder, older woman Christine had become.
The day
It wasn't fair; it wasn't
Christine's fault. It had become
painfully obvious to
There wasn't much that was
sweet about Christine anymore.
But then there wasn't much that was cute or perky about
"I'm sorry." She watched Christine.
Her friend nodded but didn't
look up.
"I'll let you eat in
peace."
Another
nod.
"You
two catching up?" His eyes met hers, but slid away quickly.
"I guess you could call
it that."
He looked at her, his eyes
not moving away anymore but holding hers firmly. As if he was asking her to tell him not to go
in. To give him a
reason not to go in.
She wasn't going to do
that. Turning to go, she felt his hand
on her arm.
"Jan..."
"Just
go in, Hikaru. She's waiting for you." She gave him the look that had turned him
away all these years. The
look of a friend and colleague--and nothing more.
Something in his expression
changed, died. She swallowed hard, wanted
to say she was sorry, but didn't know what it was she should be sorry for. So, he loved her. That was his problem.
So what if he wanted to sleep
with a woman who had been her best friend once upon a time? That was old news. She'd lived through it with the man she loved, she could survive it happening with a man she only
liked.
Turning, she walked away slowly. Until she rounded the corner, and then she fled.
-------------------------
Spock's private shuttle
approached Excelsior, the big ship looming above him. It lacked the pleasing lines of the
Jim would no doubt
agree.
Spock fought back the stab of
pain he felt, and the stab of guilt. He
should have been there. He should have
been at his friend's side. Maybe Jim
would have survived. Or
at least not died alone.
Spock allowed himself the
indulgence of a sigh. The shuttle was
empty save for him; there was no one to hear him express so much with only the
release of breath.
Jim dead. Valeris betraying Spock.
Spock and Christine. As he piloted his shuttle, he knew that
Christine was somewhere on board, drawn to this ship as surely as he was.
It was not magic. Not some new-found
sympathy with her that told him. It was
the calm determination he had read in her when he'd melded with her back at
Command--the meld that had finally convinced them to let her go. She loved Jim still--and had a long
relationship with Sulu that transcended the friendship Spock had thought had
been the only thing between them
He imagined she'd wanted to
look for Jim, but others had already tried and too much time had passed for
even a man as determined to survive as Jim to still be alive. No, Spock's friend and Christine's lover was
gone. Swallowed up by
space and fire and the energy ribbon.
His body no doubt pulverized by the impact or consumed by the immense
power of the ribbon.
Jim was dead, and he wasn't
coming back, no matter how much they wanted him to.
Again the sharp cut of
emotion. Pain, guilt,
love still. His best friend was
dead. He'd always known he would outlive
him, but he'd expected the moment of death to come later. He should have known better--Jim would not
have wanted to die in bed.
But he'd died alone. Just like he said
he would. All alone
working to save someone else's
Spock closed his eyes,
seeking control before shutting down the engines and opening the hatch. He was surprised to see a Vulcan waiting for
him.
"Sir, it is an honor to
welcome you aboard. I am Ensign
Tuvok. Commander Rand sent me down. She thought you would welcome the company of
another Vulcan."
"I am not sure,
sir. I will find him--"
Spock waved the younger man's
efforts. "I will find him later.
Please show me to guest quarters."
Tuvok seemed annoyed. He didn't betray it the way a human would
have, but Spock could read that emotion from him nonetheless.
"Is something wrong,
Ensign?"
"No,
sir." He motioned for Spock to leave the shuttle
bay.
"Has Commander Chapel
arrived?" Spock saw Tuvok's seeming annoyance change to visible
disapproval. "You have an opinion
about the commander?"
Tuvok turned to study
him. "She was a friend of
Valeris."
Spock let an eyebrow rise and
wondered what Tuvok would infer from that.
"I too was a friend of Valeris, Ensign. Do you disapprove of me as well?"
"Sir,
no sir. I just meant..." For a Vulcan, the young man was stumbling
over his tongue like the greenest human crewman.
"Good." Spock walked past him. "If you could take me to my quarters it
would be most acceptable."
Tuvok led him very quickly to
a lift and rode in silence for a moment.
"Sir, may I speak plainly?"
"I thought you had been,
Tuvok." Spock turned to study the
man. Had he really been as green as this
young Vulcan?
"Sir, we all detest what Valeris did.
I know you were not part of the conspiracy. But the human woman..."
"The human woman was not
involved. I know this to be a
fact." Spock's voice was tight. He felt an odd impatience with Tuvok, which
wasn't fair. He was not the only member
of Starfleet who had doubted Christine's innocence. But Spock wasn't used to being
challenged. His earlier comment should
have stopped this line of conversation.
"As
you wish, sir." Tuvok was giving up without giving ground,
and ignored the look Spock turned on him.
"These are your quarters, sir.
If that will be all?"
"Thank you for your
assistance." He did not sound at
all thankful, and he knew it.
Tuvok bowed his head, then was gone. Spock
set his small bag down upon the bed, then obtained
Christine's location from the computer.
Walking a few doors down the corridor, he reached for the chime, ringing
it once, then again when Christine did not answer.
Was she out, or was she
occupied? He was about to turn away,
when the door opened.
Judging from the state of
Christine's hair and makeup, she and Sulu, who was sitting at her table, had
not been in the middle of making love.
"Wow. It's old home week. Did you bring the rest of the gang?" Her voice was not entirely friendly.
"I am alone." Spock pushed past her gently.
"Come on in." Moving to the table, Christine picked up the
remnants of what looked like her dinner and took them into the head, presumably
to dispose of them in the recycler.
Sulu smiled, but there was
something off in his expression. Spock
guessed that he did not like being interrupted. Even by an old friend. Perhaps especially by an
old friend.
"I didn't expect to have
so many guests," Sulu said quietly.
Spock stared out the
viewscreen at the ribbon. "I
believe both Commander Chapel and I had the irrational need to view with our
own eyes the phenomenon that killed Jim."
He dropped his voice.
"Perhaps Christine also had the need to see you again."
Sulu looked surprised. "Maybe so."
"I can speak with her
later if you had...activities planned?"
Spock saw Sulu's eyes widen with surprise. Had Sulu thought he'd come to speak with him?
Christine came out of the head,
her eyes narrowing as Sulu pushed up from the chair and walked to the
door.
"I'll be in my
quarters," he told her. "I can
come back when you're done...if you want."
Spock looked over at her, saw
her sigh as she nodded. He wondered if
she would want to see Sulu later now that he was here. He'd seen lingering attraction to himself in
their meld along with all the other things he'd learned. Establishing her innocence had been the
paramount thing at the time, but a meld as intense as the one he'd had to use
had a wide reach. Many things were
caught in the net as he delved in her memories with her own permission. Things he'd expected to see and some he
hadn't.
Once Sulu was gone, Spock sat
down at the table.
"Make yourself
at home," she said, the sarcasm not surprising him. It was her shield, and he thought it probably
had been ever since she had been detained.
He gestured to the chair
opposite him. "Sit. Please."
She did so, dropping more
heavily than he expected into the chair.
"You are exhausted."
She didn't argue, just nodded. "I
was about to go to bed."
"Yes. I gathered that."
She sighed. "What didn't you read in that meld,
Spock?"
"Very
little."
She nodded, as if not
surprised. "Did I say thank you for
getting me out of there?"
"You did."
"Good." She rubbed her hands across her eyes, the way
Jim used to. "I miss him,
Spock."
He knew she was not referring
to Sulu's having just left her. "I
know. I too miss him."
"Neither of us was with
him. Why weren't we with him?" She met his eyes and whispered,
"Valeris."
"Yes. Valeris." He had gone back to Qo'noS, letting the work
that needed to be done on the Klingon homeworld
exorcise his anger at a woman he'd been in love with.
A woman who
Christine had also been in love with.
"You haven't told
anyone, have you?" She reached
over, taking his hand.
It did not occur to him to
stop her from touching him. He let her
twine her fingers with his. "I have
not."
"If she hadn't been so
fanatical about privacy..." She let
go of his hand. "I thought it was
just because she was a Vulcan. I didn't
know she was seducing you at the same time."
"She used us both."
"Yes, she
did." Christine looked up at
him. "And she was so good at
it."
"She knew what we both
wanted. A Vulcan who
would want us--a full Vulcan."
Her mouth
quirked up, a sardonic expression that resonated with him. "Oh, she
was a master at manipulation, Spock."
Her eyes met his. "And we
were probably easy marks."
"We undoubtedly
were." He'd had occasion to reflect
on this during the months after Khitomer, as he
thought about all the things he had seen in that forced meld with Valeris. Things that went far beyond
just the conspiracy. He had seen
her with him; he had seen her with Christine.
He had felt her amusement--an un-Vulcan
amusement at how easy they were to play.
She had not loved either of
them. The whole time she was making love
to them, she had not cared a bit.
He reached for her hand,
could feel her pulse in her fingers, could sense her pain
and exhaustion and grief as their skin touched.
"You never suspected she was seducing me at the same time she was
your lover?"
"I knew she looked up to
you. But she was with me, why would I
suspect? In bed she was..."
"Yes, I know."
Valeris had been focused and
skillful and utterly adept at making her lover feel as if nothing else existed
outside of the bed he--or she--shared with her.
And she had enjoyed sex with both of them. Just as she had enjoyed the
idea of it being the two of them that she was using. Spock had seen in the meld that Valeris had
known that Christine had loved him. She
had expected to replace him in Christine's heart, and to replace Jim too. When she had not been able to, it drove her
to hate Jim.
It was not that Valeris had
been in love with Christine. But she was
competitive. It was what had driven her
to finish first in her class at the Academy.
It had carried over to her personal life. She had not liked that she had not been first
in Christine's heart. Or in Spock's--Jim
had been first, not as a lover but still owning most of his heart.
Valeris had nearly gotten Jim
killed. She had enjoyed that too.
Valeris had been laughing at
them. If a Vulcan
laughed.
"Do you want me to leave
so you can go to Sulu?" He did not
let go of her hand.
"Do you want to
leave?"
"No. I would like to talk."
She laid her other hand over
his. "About
Jim?"
He nodded, wondering if she'd
had anyone to talk to about Jim.
Her sad smile was his
answer. "That'd be nice."
----------------------
That idea made her feel much better.
"Sir," she said as
he worked his way over to her.
"Spock's requested the logs from the Enterprise-B and other
ships. The search
mission."
"Who am I to deny Spock
what he wants?" Sulu shrugged; he
seemed a little annoyed. Or maybe she
just wanted to see that.
"Aye,
sir." She was about to ask him how his evening was,
but the lift doors opened, and Christine stepped onto the bridge.
Walking over to them,
Christine turned to Hikaru. "Sorry
about last night. I didn't expect him to
show up." She looked over at Rand, who
was trying to keep a neutral expression at the news that her friend and Hikaru
had not hooked up.
"So Spock showed up here
for you?"
Christine nodded. But there was no excitement--nothing that
would have shown that this colder version of her old pal was still in love with
Spock.
"So, is he staying
on?" She knew her voice was way too
perky at the thought.
Christine smiled, as if she
knew exactly what
Christine nodded, taking an
empty station and looking at the data
Once Kirk
was out of the picture.
Hikaru watched them for a moment, then continued his
circuit around the bridge.
"I don't." But she couldn't look away from him. There was no way she was in love with
him. Or in lust. He was her friend. Sure, he loved her. But there was nothing between them.
He turned, as if feeling her
eyes on him. His eyebrows went up, as if
he was extremely puzzled by her interest in him. Finally, he turned away.
"Why didn't you tell me
that?" Christine frowned at her, exasperation clear. "I'd have backed off if I knew you
cared." Her frown deepened. "You haven't always cared, have
you?"
"I'll stay away. But you need to do something about
this." Christine touched the
picture of the ribbon. "Life is
short, Janice. So
damned short." She blinked
hard, then got up.
"Can you send that to the computer in my quarters?"
Christine nodded, then hurried off the bridge.
Hikaru walked back over to
her station. "Everything
okay with her?" He looked
like he was thinking of going to find out for himself.
He looked down at her. "No?"
"No. Nothing." She put a lot of emphasis on that last
word. "She's got Spock."
"I don't know about
that."
"You seem unusually
vehement about that." His expression
was one of carefully controlled hope.
"I am." Her heart was beating crazily, as if it was
going to beat out of her chest. She gave
him her best smile. The one she'd tried
to win Kirk with and never even come close.
His expression cleared, but
then a frown ruined the happiness that had taken over his face for a
moment. "Why? Why now?"
She shook her head, knew her
look was sheepish. "Life is
short. And I'm an idiot?"
He grinned. "Well..."
She laughed softly. "Get back to work, mister." Then she looked up at him, staring at him
intently. "This is the part where
you ask me to dinner."
"It is?"
"Yes it is. But to speed
up the process, I'm going to just pretend that you already asked. And I said yes. Stop by after shift."
"Because
life is short?"
She could tell he was
completely confused by her sudden about-face.
"I'll give you more personal reasons at dinner...or
after." One side of her mouth
tipped up into a crooked smile. One she
could tell he liked because he smiled too.
"Okay, then." He hurried to his chair,
as if afraid she'd change her mind if he stayed there too long.
-------------------------
From deep within his
meditations, Spock heard his door chime.
He rose swiftly to full consciousness, pushing himself up to his feet
and fighting the dizziness that always accompanied such a hasty return to
reality. "Come."
Christine walked in. He could tell she had been crying.
"Are you all
right?"
She nodded, then took in the mat on the floor, the small flame of the
lamp. "I'm disturbing you."
"If that were the case,
I would ask you to leave."
She smiled,
a knowing "been there" smile.
"That's true. You never had
any trouble telling me to get lost in the past." She eased by him, seemed to be trying to pace
the small quarters.
"Would you like to
walk?"
She nodded gratefully and
followed him out of the quarters and down the corridor to the lift. When it opened, Ensign Tuvok was inside with
two other crew members. Spock saw his face
register the same disapproval he'd shown before. Christine did not appear to notice.
They got out before Tuvok and
the others, leaving the lift to them as Christine led him to the observation
lounge. The ribbon swam in front of
them.
"Do you think it's
pretty?" she asked, choosing seats that were far away from anyone else.
"It has an inherent
attractiveness. But any emotional
response I have to it is one of hatred."
She looked at him in surprise.
"Vulcans can hate. We usually do not admit to it, however."
"Do you hate
Valeris?"
He sighed and saw her
surprise at that too. "I have tried
to ease my feelings for her. Both hate
and love still war inside me."
She nodded, and he supposed
she might be the only other person who could understand the complicated range
of emotions he felt for Valeris.
They sat in silence. Not an uneasy one, but one filled with shared
sorrows and pain.
"She gave really good
backrubs," Christine said after a few minutes.
"Yes. She was quite skilled."
"Oh,
yeah." Christine looked over at him, and laughed
softly. "This is so weird."
"Indeed."
Christine glanced around, and
he followed her gaze. When it was clear
that she was satisfied that they had their part of the lounge to themselves, she
leaned her head against his shoulder, barely touching him. "Is that okay?"
It should not have been all
right. But her touch was a comfort. "Yes."
"I saw the look that
ensign gave me. It made you mad."
He was startled. Both that she noticed but also that she had
been able to read him.
"I was with Valeris for
two years, Spock. I got really good at
translating all those versions of blank face."
"I had not considered
that."
"Does that ensign think
I'm guilty, somehow?"
He decided not to lie to her. "I believe so." He had softened it even so. He did not believe Tuvok suspected her; he
knew it.
"He's not the only one,
Spock."
"You were a victim no
less than Jim or I."
"Or Gorkon." She eased away, the need for touch apparently
over. Or else she was thinking of his
comfort. "Do you mind if I change
the subject, Spock? I don't want to
think about her or what she and Matthew did."
"I do not
either." It was odd being so in
tune with her. It was not how things had
ever been between them in the past.
"I don't want to talk
about Jim either."
"I will talk about
whatever you wish." He touched her
hand, just long enough to let her know he was serious.
And long enough to feel her
interest in him. Subtle, half-swallowed
by pain and anger, but there nonetheless.
He suspected something similar was growing in him.
It was entirely unexpected.
"What's next for
you?" she asked softly. "A ship of your own?"
"No." The answer came quickly. Forced out by emotion he was not
expecting. "Not a ship." Never a ship. Ships went with Jim. Ships were in his past.
"What then?"
Starfleet diplomatic had been
making overtures for some time. Maybe it
was time to switch disciplines permanently?
She waited, not pressing him
for an answer. Her eyes were fixed on
the ribbon.
"I am considering
transferring to diplomatic."
She smiled gently. "A good fit, I think."
"And I suspect that it
will please my father greatly if I do so."
"I bet you're
right." Her smile grew, and he
remembered that she had forged her own relationship with his father during her
years in Emergency Operations. Sarek had
always spoken highly of her.
"And you?" he
asked. "What will you do?"
"I don't
know." Her smile faded; her voice
was bleak.
"You are finished with
Emergency Operations?"
"They're finished with
me." She looked at him, her eyes
hard but filled with what he knew to be only realism about her situation. "Matthew is a black mark against
me. Valeris too. And even Jim in some quarters. I make people nervous or I make them
mad. I should probably resign and go
into private practice. I'm still a
doctor."
"Do not
resign." He was surprised at how
quickly he said that. How strongly he
felt it. Starfleet could not afford to
lose her. Her only crime was loving not wisely but too well as the old saying went.
The same could be said of him.
"What should I do
then?"
"I will need a
staff. You could be a part of
that."
She laughed.
"I am quite
serious." He felt a twinge of annoyance
that she was not taking what he said with the proper amount of consideration.
"You are?" She sighed.
"Pity is nice, but it will wear off and then you'll regret ever
offering."
"I could list the skills
you would bring, the attributes you possess that I would value in a member of
my team?"
"Would you? My self-esteem could use a boost." She moved closer. She didn't lay her head on his shoulder this
time, but her arm pressed against him.
He found it oddly
comforting. "You are accustomed to
working in a crisis environment. You
have encountered and dealt with many of the eventualities that will arise. You are both a scientist and a healer, and as
such should offer a unique perspective.
You are dedicated, persevering, and exercise excellent
judgment." He saw her smirk and let
his own lips tip up slightly. "Except, perhaps, in matters of the heart."
She conceded with a nod, then she cocked her head and said, "I don't know,
though. Valeris was only one out of how
many good choices?"
He suddenly wondered how many
lovers she'd had over the years.
Certainly more than he'd had.
"Come with me," he said quietly.
"You're sure?"
"Yes." Diplomatic was not aware of his plans. They might tell him to wait. On the other hand, he had a history of
getting what he wanted.
"You haven't even talked
to Diplomatic have you?"
"I have not."
She laughed again, and her
arm pressed harder against him.
"Let me know how that goes."
"Jim would want me to
look out for you."
He could feel her tense, then
she pulled away, but not before he sensed a rush of sadness from her. Sadness and guilt.
"I don't think he would,
Spock."
He looked over at her and saw that she was crying. But she brushed the tears away, seemed to stop
any more from falling by sheer force of will.
"Why would he not want
that? He loved you."
"Yes. Past tense." She looked down. "He moved on. He had Antonia. And then Carol after David died."
"That did not last
long."
"Long
enough." She sounded angry and hurt, and he was not
sure what to say to make it better.
"Spock, the things I
said to him. They were hateful."
"When?"
"The last time I saw
him. A few weeks
before he died. I ran into him at
Command after I'd
been released. I was so mad at him. I yelled at him. He could have gotten me out of there. But he didn't."
"He did not know if he
could trust you."
"Why didn't he know
that?" But she looked down as if
she understood. Valeris had warped them
all.
"I believe that he loved
you deeply, even if your relationship was over."
"And I believe that
you're a hopeless romantic, Spock."
He let a single eyebrow show
her what he thought of that statement.
She leaned closer, and he
touched her hand. Soon her shoulder pressed
against his again. "I feel like
someone cut my heart out, Spock. And I
don't know if they took all of it or just the part that Valeris and Jim
owned."
He pressed against her,
trying to offer some comfort. But he was
not sure he could because he felt the same way.
As if there was an empty space in his chest. A space that was indeed
shaped like Valeris and Jim.
"You never loved
me," Christine said.
"That is
true." He kept his voice as gentle
as he could. "But I respect your
abilities. And I will try not to hurt
you." There was more he was
feeling, but he thought it premature to admit to it. And the feelings confused him. Better to let them lie to ripen or not as
they would.
"That sounds pretty damn
good about now." She looked over at
him, giving him a sad smile. "If
you want me to go with you, I will."
He nodded. It was a good solution. She would indeed be an asset to him in his
work. And together...he was not sure
what, if anything, he wanted from her.
All he knew was that being with her gave him a small measure of the
peace he had not found any other way since Valeris had betrayed him.
----------------------------
Sulu watched as Jan finished
her meal. They'd both chosen light
dinners. She'd laughed when she saw his
tray--a husky, sexy laugh that he'd never heard before.
He could barely eat.
He saw Chris come in with
Spock. They looked strangely right
together. He saw her bump against
Spock's arm when a crewwoman pushed past her.
Spock reached out to steady her, and she smiled up at him. A small smile, but a real
one.
Jan followed his gaze, then turned back as if trying to decide why he was so
interested. "I've never asked if
you're in love with her."
"No. You never have." It was mean, but she'd been rejecting him for
so long that he didn't mind seeing her squirm for a moment. "I love her. In love with her? No."
"Why
not?"
"I'm in love with
someone else. Have
been forever."
Jan smiled--in relief, he
thought. "Anyone I know?"
He nodded slowly and saw her smile
grow.
Turning to watch Spock and
Chris, she said, "You think they're together?"
Sulu shrugged.
"They look
together." Jan shook her head. "Wouldn't it be funny if after all this
time, he finally fell for her?"
"I don't think it would
be funny." He saw her surprise and
continued before she could say anything.
"I think it would be nice."
Her look was sad. "I'm not very nice sometimes,
Hikaru."
"You think I don't know
that?" He grinned at her. "I like you anyway." He pushed his tray away. "I just wish you'd stop resenting her
for having what you wanted."
Her lips tightened. He knew he should probably let this go, but
they needed to talk about it. They
needed to talk about Kirk. They never did. Talking about him was taboo.
"I don't resent--"
"--Don't lie to me. I know you better than that." He kept his voice low, so only she could
hear.
She glared at him a moment, and he waited her out.
"Oh, fine." She said it with such irritation that he
laughed. "Can we go now?"
Apparently they still weren't
going to talk about Kirk. Oh, well. Small steps.
He followed Jan to the
recycler, dumping his tray. Turning, he
saw Spock and Chris walking toward them.
"Captain Sulu,"
Spock said easily. "Commander
Chapel and I will be leaving tomorrow."
"You will?" He shot a look at Chris
She smiled,
a more genuine smile than he'd seen since she arrived. It would be ironic if Spock turned out to be
the only person who could bring back the sweet smile he remembered from years
back.
"I'm going to be working
for Spock. In
diplomatic." She looked as
surprised at the news as Sulu was.
Spock nodded. "I am being reassigned effective
immediately. The commander is as
well."
Sulu nodded, admiring the way
Spock seemed to always get his way with Command. Of course, it helped your case considerably
to be a living legend. "It's been a
pleasure hosting you. You sure you don't
want to stay until the ribbon heads into the neutral zone?"
"The ribbon can go to
hell," Chris said.
"I find myself in
agreement with Commander Chapel. If
Vulcans had a hell, I would wish the ribbon to reside there." He let an eyebrow punctuate the unexpected
sentiment.
Chris turned to Spock. "I think Hikaru and Janice were just
leaving." She winked at them both.
Sulu could feel himself
blushing. Jan looked fine. Jan looked more than fine. He suddenly, desperately wanted out of the
mess.
Amazingly, Spock seemed to
get Chris's drift. "We will not
keep you. Live long and prosper, Captain
Sulu, Commander Rand."
"You do the same,"
Jan said, with a big smile for both Spock and Chris as she led Sulu out of the
mess.
They were silent in the lift,
walking down the hall.
"My place," she
said softly.
Sulu didn't argue. There was plenty of time to try out his
quarters later. Following her into her
quarters, he stopped and watched her move across the room. Suddenly, he was filled with nerves. What if he wasn't any good? What if he bored her?
She looked down. "You've wanted this from me for so
long. What if it wasn't worth waiting
for?"
He smiled. He hadn't expected her to have the same kind
of doubts as he did. He began to cross
the room. "It'll be worth it."
She moved toward him. "You're sure?"
"Positive." He caught her up, pulling her close, his hands
running down her back and her arms and everywhere he'd ever wanted to touch
her. He heard her moan as their kiss
deepened, his mouth opening. He felt his
knees trembling. He'd never wanted
anyone the way he wanted Jan.
He'd never loved anyone the
way he loved Jan.
She pushed him to her bed,
already pulling off his uniform, then her own.
He'd been afraid that she'd realize this was a mistake,
that she'd stop it, or even worse just go along. But she was giving him everything he'd ever
wanted: passion and love and esteem
earned by working side by side for so many years.
"Jan, I love you,"
he said as he let her push him onto the bed, as she crawled on top of him.
She started to say it back,
and he stopped her. "No. Not till you know it for sure. I don't want an echo."
Her eyes were soft as she
leaned in to kiss him. Her touch now was
gentle and tender, and if this wasn't love then it was the next best thing.
"I do love you,
Hikaru. I didn't realize it until this
morning."
He frowned. "Why this
morning."
"I was glad that you and
Christine didn't sleep together."
She moved closer to him, closer and closer and then oh, holy god...
"I think you like
this," she said softly, her voice a purr of seduction.
He said something, wasn't
sure that the words made sense. But Jan
said, "Me too," and kissed him deeply, so he must have said something
good.
Then he lost track of
everything but Jan and her body welcoming him, and her tongue and lips making
him moan. He gave himself up to her,
felt her do the same thing. She wasn't
holding back. He had her. Finally, he had her.
After the first fires were
spent, they lay curled together like spoons, both staring out at the
ribbon.
"We're going to be all
right." The way she said it, it
wasn't a question.
"Yes. We'll be fine."
She moaned happily, her hand
tightening over his. They fell asleep
for a while, bodies pressed close. Then
they woke up and pressed their bodies even closer.
It was all right. It was all good.
It was all his.
FIN