DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters
are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and
Viacom. The story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and are
copyright (c) 2012 by Djinn. This story is Rated R.
Left Behind
by Djinn
ÒWhy?Ó
You
sit and watch him. This man you
love. This man you betrayed. You sit and watch him and you say
nothing.
ÒWhy?Ó
You
sit silently.
He
gets up, stalks out.
You
close your eyes. Remember the first
man who ever left you.
It
was summer. The others were outside
eating corn on the cob and hot dogs, but you sat inside with your grandfather.
ÒChrissie,Ó
he says. ÒGo on and get some food.Ó
ÒIÕm
fine.Ó You know he is failing. YouÕre only twelve but you know. ItÕs a gift—maybe a curse. YouÕre not sure but itÕs never failed
you. You always know when someoneÕs
about to die.
ÒI
wish I was going to see you grow up.Ó
He takes a ragged breath.
You
know you should get the others, your mother, your father, but your grandfather
hasnÕt asked for them, and you donÕt want to share the moment.
ÒI
love you.Ó ItÕs the truest thing
you know to say. You love him. And you donÕt love that many people. YouÕve learned to pretend to love your
parents the way your friends love their moms and dads, but you donÕt, not
really. Not the way you love this
crotchety old man.
This
crotchety old man who probably only loves you—certainly doesnÕt seem to
love the son heÕs raised, or the woman his son married.
ÒI
love you, too, Chrissie. People
like us, weÕre special, you know?Ó
He reaches up, takes your hand.
ÒLife doesnÕt give us what we want.
Sometimes you have to take.Ó
You
nod because youÕve already figured that out. ÒPeople get hurt if you take too
much.Ó You are inside the house
because youÕre grounded for taking too much, but you donÕt want him to know
that. YouÕd have stayed inside anyway. You like
being with him. Even
if this wasnÕt his last day.
ÒDonÕt
worry about other people. They
wonÕt give a goddamn about you. You
got that, girl?Ó His breathing
grows more strangled.
You
nod. Another lesson youÕve already
figured out. You lean in close and
whisper, ÒDo you want me to get Mom and Dad?Ó
ÒNo,
I donÕt want them here.Ó
You
were glad. You sat with him till
the end, never letting go of his hand.
You waited even longer, and then ran out to get them.
They
lifted the grounding on account of you having seen such a thing.
You
thought Grandpa would have been pleased.
The
door to the holding cells slams open.
You look up, see Nyota
staring at you as if she has never seen you before. ÒHow could you?Ó
You
stand. You have waited for this
visit. How many years have you let
this woman take the lead in your supposed friendship? How many years have you watched her pretend
to be in Jim KirkÕs inner circle?
You
were in a better inner circle. You
were in the ultimate inner circle.
You go to the edge of the forcefield, motion
for her to come closer.
She
does. She knows you canÕt hurt
her. This is not some old time jail
that you could reach through the bars and throttle her, although the idea is
appealing.
ÒHow
could I what? Which crime do you
want me to answer for? Being a
traitor? Or getting him to love me
when he wouldnÕt love you?Ó
Uhura
looks like she might slap you. You
hope she tries. You know the sting
of the forcefield will travel up her arm and deaden
her shoulder. You know this because
youÕve lost control before in a holding cell, only not this holding cell.
She
spits. ItÕs a useless gesture; the spittle is swallowed up by the energy field.
ÒHeÕs
wonderful in bed, by the way.Ó You
laugh as she leaves. Then you sit
down and wait for the next one. You
imagine it will be Len.
You
are wrong. It is Janice. ÒComfortable?Ó she asks.
You
shrug.
ÒCartwright
and Valeris arrived at Rura Penthe
yesterday. YouÕll be next.Ó
You
nod. This is not unexpected.
ÒIÕll
be your escort to the Klingons.
IÕll be back in ten hours to take you to them.Ó
You
smile. ÒGood.Ó You study her. ÒAnd you? YouÕre still on Excelsior?Ó
ÒOf
course.Ó
You
feel a small surge of satisfaction.
ÒI thought you might take my job now that itÕs vacant.Ó You thought no such thing, but those
listening will wonder why you asked her if she was still on SuluÕs ship.
ÒI
have no desire to run Ops. I am
exactly where IÕm supposed to be.Ó
That
much is true. At least some of the
conspiracy is still in place. Still able to effect change, even if Khitomer
was a bust.
ÒRot
in hell, Christine.Ó Janice turns
on her heel and is gone.
You
know you will not rot in hell, and it will be your friend Janice that ensures
you donÕt.
SheÕs
another that you love—itÕs never clear to you what makes you love
someone, how they manage to worm their way into what is clearly a desiccated
organ by most peopleÕs standards.
But Janice is in your heart.
You
remember when she left the ship during the first five-year mission. How bereft you felt. But you knew why she had to go. Had seen the captain with his trail of
women and how it hurt her.
ÒI
just want him to notice me,Ó Janice would say. ÒWhy wonÕt he?Ó
You
couldnÕt give her forever with him.
But you did give her a night.
One night, the right combination of drugs to make him want her, want her
more than heÕd ever wanted anything, and then, when he finally slept, to make
him forget it ever happened.
But
Janice never forgot. Janice loved
you for giving her that. The
perfect send-off, sheÕd said. HeÕd
been as good as sheÕd thought heÕd be.
And
you were left every day with the captain you had drugged and given to your
friend. You probably should have
felt guilty.
You
didnÕt.
Not
the way youÕd felt guilty when youÕd stood by and done nothing to stop Roger
from putting the captain in an android body. But that may have been due more to the
fact that youÕd been duped by Roger than any lingering
loyalty to Kirk. YouÕve never been
entirely sure if dissonance or true regret lies at the heart of how you view
those events.
Whatever
the reason, you were not happy with yourself. Then again, youÕd derailed your career
searching for a man whoÕd left you behind, so you werenÕt happy with anyone at
that point. Roger, that slut
Andrea—or the vapid android heÕd fashioned in her image—or anyone
who offered condolences afterwards.
They
had no idea why you were drawn to Roger.
What kind of man heÕd been.
HeÕd
been with Andrea when you met him. Pretty little thing.
Smart, too. Nice,
though. That was her fatal
flaw. She was nice. And you werenÕt.
She
was in your way. You got her out of
it. Nothing so
clichŽ as a flight of stairs or a drugged cup of tea. You just manipulated her. Let her see what she was afraid of. That Roger was unfaithful. That Roger didnÕt love her enough. That Roger was a cad.
It
wasnÕt that hard. Roger was
unfaithful, he didnÕt love her enough, and he was a cad. You didnÕt have any trouble getting his
pants down, letting her find you with your head in his lap, sucking as
vigorously as you could, looking up and exclaiming Òbut you said you were
singleÓ as you wiped your mouth and left him sitting there with his dick
hanging out and a strangled, ÒAndrea, I can explain.Ó
She
ran out. You were there. ÒIÕm so sorry. He told me—I had no idea. All those times. I swear, I
would never have gone to bed with him.Ó
You
think you broke the poor girlÕs heart.
You never saw her on campus again.
She never crossed your mind—not till you saw her there with Roger. HeÕd built her, not you. HeÕd wanted her back.
Some
things you steal donÕt stay stolen.
ÒAll
these years.Ó
You
look up, startled. Len has come in
and you didnÕt notice, too lost in the memories. There is pain in his blue eyes. Pain and anger. It is partly your fault that he was sent
to Rura Penthe. That he almost died on that icy world.
ÒDonÕt
take it personally.Ó You get up and
lean against the wall, watching him as he begins to pace. He clearly is taking it personally.
ÒChristine,
damn it. How the hell could you do
this?Ó
You
donÕt answer him. ItÕs none of his
business how the hell you could do this.
Choices were made, paths were chosen. People you trusted set things in
motion. You followed where they
led. You would do it again.
ÒValeris
was your protŽgŽ.Ó
ÒShe
was. I did a great job, donÕt you
think?Ó
You
can tell he would slap you if he could.
You also know he is not strong enough to get past your defenses. Defenses he is not aware you have. Defenses trained into you by the people
you trusted. If you were to arrive
at Rura Penthe alive, you
would do all right there. At least for a while.
ÒI
hate you right now, Christine.Ó
You
stare at him blandly, knowing that is the worst thing you can do to him. Not give him anything back. Not give in to the emotion he wants to
vent on you.
ÒAll
these goddamn years!Ó
ÒYouÕre
like a broken record, Len. Get a
life.Ó You turn and sit on the hard
bench, ignoring him, letting him stare at you, until he finally calls you a
name you think southern gentlemen are not supposed to use and leaves.
You
close your eyes, remember Valeris as she was just before she left on the Enterprise. Her eyes danced, and you cautioned her
to rein in her excitement. It
struck you as ironic: a human telling a Vulcan to be less emotional. She was a zealot for the cause. Cartwright had made her one. You had helped. She would do anything,
betray anyone.
Logic was a tool that could be twisted and shaped to play to your
advantage, and Valeris couldnÕt see that.
SheÕd been coopted and could twist any situation into logical and right.
You
remember the girl that first came to you.
The only pangs of guilt you ever get are on ValerisÕs
behalf. She was an innocent in
this. Her only
crime her enthusiasm and her naivetŽ. Her ability to be led, to be pushed off
a cliff and made to believe it was her idea.
You
think that is what Spock hates the most about what you did. That you ruined this
girl.
That
he loved you and you ruined this girl that he considered a daughter.
That
two of the people he loved most were traitors and he didnÕt know it.
You
hear a sigh, a slow exhale of air. Kirk is staring at you from the entrance.
You
stand.
This
man was good to you. He let you on
his ship to search for Roger. He
let you stay on his ship after Roger.
You will give him this one thing:
ÒI did it for Cartwright.Ó
ÒI
know. And Valeris did it for
you.Ó He sighs. ÒAnd SpockÕs a wreck because of you and
her.Ó He moves closer. ÒI never saw it. I never saw you. And IÕm normally
so good at that.Ó
You
shrug. ÒYears of practice.Ó
ÒI
didnÕt expect a sociopath to be a nurse.Ó
ÒI
was never supposed to be a nurse.
It was an expedient way to find Roger.Ó You look down. ÒFinding Roger was the aberration. I should have let him go.Ó
He
laughs softly—and very bitterly.
ÒOur lives would have been very different if you had.Ó
ÒYes.Ó You stand up as straight as you
can. ÒWe never intended for you and Len to end up on Rura
Penthe.Ó
He
nods. ÒYeah. But it happened. YouÕll be there soon.Ó
You
nod, try to look scared, because itÕs what heÕll expect of you.
He
shakes his head and leaves you. You
hear him say something to someone just outside the door, know it is Spock.
He
does not come in, so you pace the cell, working off excess energy until he
finally does come in.
ÒWhy?Ó
he says again.
You
turn to him. ÒDo you want to know
if I ever loved you?Ó
ÒI
know that you did. I know that she
did, too. I want to know how two
people who loved me could betray me.Ó
ÒThe
cause was bigger than you, Spock.
And Valeris thought that once it was done, you would see that a better
world lay ahead.Ó Valeris thought
that, but you never did.
You
have waited for them to drop the forcefield. For Spock to try a
meld on you, to force the names of your conspirators from you. If he does, your mind
will...self-destruct is probably the right term. It is one of those defenses you were
given. One they thought Valeris
would not need, being full Vulcan.
They had no idea Spock would nearly wipe her mind himself in his quest
for the truth.
They
have not dropped the forcefield. Perhaps they have already tried a meld
on another prisoner and found out what happens. Perhaps he wants you to suffer on Rura Penthe, not die a quick
death. There is no other reason for
him to have left you alone, not when he is so angry at
you.
And
he is angry—you can see it in his eyes, in the
way he is clenching his hands. You
think that if he could, he would wrap his hands around your neck and squeeze
the very life from you.
You
would not mind dying at his hands.
There would be some sort of justice to that and in your way, you do love him, as much as you have loved any man.
ÒI
must go. This emotion overwhelms
me.Ó He pushes through the door,
leaving you alone.
The
hours pass slowly. They bring you
food you donÕt eat. What is the
point? Janice will walk you to the
Klingons. She will make sure that
you are given the poison pill that you will take on the warbird. You will be dead before you leave
orbit. Food is unnecessary.
She
shows up finally. ÒReady?Ó
You
nod and stand, take a long breath before leaving the cell. There are Starfleet guards ahead of you
and behind you, but she walks next to you—she earned that right when she
testified against you, provided key evidence as your best friend.
You
walk next to her, waiting for her to move closer, to hand you the pill.
ÒI
love you—you know that, right?Ó
She smiles at you. ÒRemember
that always.Ó
Always? How long can always be?
You
are almost to the Klingons; you look at her, see a resolve you donÕt like on
her face.
ÒTheyÕll
know it was me, Christine.Ó
Her
words hit like darts.
ÒIÕm
in place. On an
important ship. I can still
carry out the mission. I canÕt save
you and do that.Ó She meets your
eyes. ÒIÕm so sorry, Christine.Ó
You
feel her words more than hear them.
You feel them and want to scream.
But then you take a deep breath and force yourself to be calm. ÒCarry out your orders. The mission goes on.Ó You hate saying those words. You want that pill. You do not want to leave her behind and
go on alone to hell. ÒIÕll find
Valeris and Cartwright. The others, too.
WeÕll stay alive as long as we can.
WeÕll know youÕre here.Ó
You
see the Klingons up ahead. They are
standing tall. They are strong and
unforgiving just as their prison will be.
You
will die in their prison. You
should have eaten dinner.
FIN