DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom, some of the other stuff belongs to...well, you'll see.. The story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and is copyright (c) 2003 by Djinn. This story is Rated PG-13.
Last Breath
by Djinn
Kirk looked up,
saw Picard's face begin to fade out, could hardly
feel the rocky ground of Veridian III underneath him,
could barely sense the winds whipping against his
face. A wave of pain raged through him
and he closed his eyes. Spock, he
thought as he felt his last bit of strength give out. Spock...
The air was
suddenly different, cool and humid, and the sun no longer beat down on
him. He opened his eyes slowly, his pain
was gone and he could see perfectly well in the dim light of the cave. Why was he here? Was this the afterlife? This dismal cavern, so deep underground he
could feel the weight of the ground above pushing down on him.
A noise from
behind him made him turn. It was
Spock. He was alive. And not even aware that Kirk had come
back...that he had come back just to die.
"Spock,"
he called but the words only echoed in his mind, didn't disturb the air in the
nearly soundless cave. He stared, unable
to pull his eyes away from where Spock lay covered with a threadbare blanket on
the cold cavern floor. What was this
place? What was Spock doing here?
Kirk moved to
him, not walking so much as thinking one moment about being next to him and the
next moment being there.
Spock turned in
sleep, restless, troubled. He called
out, in Vulcan, then in Romulan, but Kirk heard his own name mixed in with the
other words.
Could Spock
know? Had he sensed it when Kirk had
come back? Had he felt it when he died
again? Kirk knew Spock had suffered the
first time, when the Nexus had taken him.
Kirk too had felt the bond stretch, and then tear, leaving a gaping
wound in his mind. As he had disappeared
into the dreamworld that was the Nexus, he had felt a
momentary ricochet of Spock's agony adding to his own, and then he knew nothing
but the fantasy that Picard had found him in. The fantasy that he had rescued him from, had convinced him to rescue himself from.
Antonia. Kirk shook his head. Hardly the love of his life, but a woman who
had brought him contentment at a time when that was what his soul needed. A time when he and Spock had fallen apart,
needing time away, time with others. She
had been good for him in life, and she'd been exactly what the Nexus needed to
keep him docile because she didn't evoke any strong emotions, just calm and
peace. In his haze of serenity, Kirk had
forgotten Spock.
How could he have
forgotten Spock?
He knelt down,
reached for the meld points and watched as his fingers fell through Spock's
skin. He tried again and managed to hold
his fingers in place just above Spock's cheekbones. He could feel something. Not skin, more like energy. The energy of Spock's life,
his mind, his heart, his very soul.
He was dreaming, Kirk realized. Dreaming of the two of them.
How happy they'd been before it had all ended. Before Kirk had taken that
disastrous last trip on the Enterprise B. He hadn't needed to go...it was just pride
that had made him show up. Pride and
dislike for that idiot Harriman. He'd
left Spock and never found his way back.
"Jim,"
Spock said.
There had been a
time, after Antonia but before he and Spock had found their way back to each
other, that Kirk had thought their split was permanent. It had taken time; they had circled each
other like two wary dogs trying to decide whether to fight. But finally, they had dropped the defenses,
let down the walls, and reached for each other again. And they hadn't let go. Not until he'd had to go gallivanting across
the galaxy for someone else's launch and ended up being thrown a reality away.
Spock moaned low,
"Don’t go."
"Hold on to
me, love," Kirk said as he tried to send Spock reassurance. Tried to let him know that
he was there. He felt a strange sense
of urgency and glanced behind him at the opening to the cave. Something was coming. He didn't know what it was, or how he
knew. But he knew that it was true. It was coming...for him. He looked back at Spock, said gently,
"You know I can't stay long."
"Jim?"
Spock said again, and Kirk felt a quickening in the pathways where the bond had
once flowed.
So
much to say and no time to say it in. What would he say to this
man, this gaunt and grizzled version of the man he had spent the best years of
his life with.
What do you say to the soul mate you left behind? The one you forgot? "All I wanted to say was I love you." The
air felt less solid around Kirk, the mouth of the cave seemed to be filling
with light. He didn't have much
time. He sighed and whispered, "And
I'm not afraid."
"Jim,"
Spock said.
"Can you
hear me?" Kirk lay down, nestling
against Spock, allowing his energy to merge into Spock's body. "Can you feel me in your arms? Holding my last
breath."
Spock's breathing
appeared to slow as well; he no longer thrashed and cried out. The bond again seemed to flow for a moment, a
small spark of love flowing from one to the other. Just as it had flowed for
all the years they had loved.
Kirk could
remember them all, every moment they had ever shared. Nothing was hidden as he lay next to the man
he'd always loved best. He could still
feel the pain of those times when he'd thought that Spock would never realize
how much Kirk wanted him. Times when
Kirk had been too afraid to tell him how he felt. Then that day when Spock had come to him, to
discuss something personal. The bliss, the terrible reckless joy that had filled Kirk when he
learned that Spock wanted him too.
He'd never been so happy and that happiness flooded through Kirk as he
remembered. Those days he'd never
forget...the first time they'd made love, and the last time. All the times. All the glorious times.
He moved his
fingers away from Spock's face, dropped his hand and tried to nestle
closer. "Safe inside myself are all my thoughts of you." As the words crossed his lips, Kirk saw the
light again brighten at the mouth of the cave. "Sweet raptured
light," he murmured, lost for a moment in the brightness. Then he wrenched his attention away from the
glowing warmth. Spock seemed farther
away, even though his body had not moved at all, seemed almost preternaturally
still, as if sensing Kirk, sensing that the moment could not last. "It ends here tonight," Kirk
whispered.
He thought of the
house they had shared, up in the mountains.
The same house Picard had found him in. The Nexus hadn't taken away the place he'd
loved so, had only replaced the person he'd last shared it with. Antonia for Spock. She had shared it with him, it was true. For a time, they had been happy. But he had left her ultimately, to return to
Star Fleet and to the chance to be with the man he still had loved. And now, when he thought of the place, it was
not her face he saw in his mind. Not her
he saw in his bed. He had loved her there
as best he could. But his memories
betrayed her, they were only of Spock. Of Spock helping him chop firewood, hiking out to the overlook to
sit watching the sun come up over the valley below them. Of Spock kissing him in the
snow, passion overcoming them both until they had finally risen half-frozen and
run for the shelter of their house, the warmth of their bed.
That place. This man. It had been heaven. Why had he left it? He'd been a fool. He leaned in, tried to make Spock hear him. "I'll miss the winter. A world of fragile
things." He thought of the
time they'd found the Grizzly tree, where the old bear had gone to sleep in the
early winter and died before spring could come.
It had taken them all day but they'd buried her.
"Look for me
in the white forest," he whispered.
"Hiding in a hollow tree. Come find me." Kirk felt a wave of regret fill him, saw
Spock break free from whatever had held him still. He was shocked to see that tears were falling
slowly from Spock's eyes, running down his cheeks. He leaned in, tried to kiss the tears
away. "I know you hear me. I can taste it in your tears."
The light was calling him now. Come to
me, come to us. Everyone he'd ever loved
that had passed over was calling for him.
But the only person he wanted to be with was next to him, outside of the
light, fading away even as the light gained strength. Kirk fought.
"Holding my last breath," he said defiantly. Repeated what he
now recognized as a promise, "Safe inside myself
are all my thoughts of you."
The light was not
so patient now. It called to him, pulled
at him. Kirk wondered if it would tear
him from Spock's side if he did not move soon.
"Sweet raptured light," he thought,
pleading, praying even. Let me
linger. Just a bit. He turned back to Spock.
The Vulcan was
staring at him.
"It ends
here tonight," Kirk said gently, thinking that though his eyes were open,
Spock still slept, still dreamt. He
reached out slowly, ran his hand from Spock's forehead to cover his eyes.
Spock's eyes
stayed open. "Jim?"
Kirk felt tears
form, blinked hard and they fell splashing to the floor of the cave, leaving no
mark.
Come to us, the
light called.
"Jim?"
Spock said again, reaching for him and finding nothing of substance.
Kirk shook his
head sadly, a loving grin on his face as he reached down to try to touch
Spock. There was a tingle as his hand
went through Spock's. He closed his eyes
tightly, knowing that he couldn't stop what was happening, but trying to let
his will, his indomitable, monumental will turn the
tide one last time. His words were
clipped and hard as he resisted the light.
"Closing your eyes to disappear, you pray your dreams will leave
you here."
He opened his
eyes, saw that he was no longer lying next to Spock, had
moved halfway to the light. "But
still you wake and know the truth."
Spock was trying
to free himself from the tangled blanket, "Jim, no. Stay.
Stay."
Kirk shook his head. "No one's
there. Say goodnight."
Spock was up,
running for him.
"Don't be
afraid," Kirk whispered, unsure if he was trying to reassure Spock or
himself.
"Jim."
Kirk felt the
light overwhelm him. "Calling
me, calling me, as you fade to black." He could no longer see Spock, could no longer
hear him.
But somehow, just
before the warmth and peace of the light could overwhelm him, make him forget
about anything but moving on, Kirk felt the bond flare. He heard Spock's mind in his, saying one last
time. *I love you.*
He couldn't send
back words, but he laughed. He laughed
with love even as his tears fell down.
He fought the light as long as he could, but even Jim Kirk knew when it
was time to give up.
He let go and let
the light take him home.
FIN
The challenge? It's
Lori's Evil Challenge, which mandates you must incorporate a song into a fic. Seema summed it up so well,
I'll just repeat her words: The lyrics
of the song have to be spoken as actual dialogue by one of the characters. The
other characters can say whatever, but one person must speak *all* lyrics of
the song as his/her primary dialogue. The song incorporated into this fic is "My Last Breath" by Evanescence.