DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2020 by Djinn. This story is Rated R.

If There Were

By Djinn

I.

If there were a way

To explain to you what I meant

I would—but I cannot

The version of myself that did not wish

To protest against his nature

Is gone, subsumed, or perhaps just dormant

Did he want you?

He must have. Do I?

Must I answer you?

Have I not answered you so many times?

Now I have hurt you

I regret that

We will not speak of this again

II.

If there were a way

To show you I am sorry

For what they made me do

What they would have made me do

I would say those words

I feel your lips on mine still

Trembling, afraid—angry

So many emotions

I tried not to hurt you

This time I did try

It is better to leave it alone

Explaining will make nothing better

Not when you want so much more from me

Than just words

III.

If there were regrets left in me

You would be one of them

That I let you leave the ship

Without telling you I would miss you

But how could I tell you that?

It would have been illogical

When I was planning to come here

To study this discipline, to wash away

The part of myself that missed you

So I will never tell you that

You will become one of those memories

Locked away by this tradition of the mind

A path not taken

IV.

If there were no complications

I would come to your quarters

And tell you I am...happy you are here

On this ship that V'ger drew me back to

But that I now stay on for my own reasons

You are one of them, Jim another

The woman I never reached for

The friend I abandoned

But it is complicated

For it seems, while I was away

The two of you reached for each other

I cannot blame you

It is a good match—it is obvious even to me

That you are happy

Without me

V.

If there were time

I would show you how

Often you've surprised me

As we got to know each other

After Jim left, you and Starfleet

And I was free to—was I wooing?

Would you have considered it that?

I would let you into my mind

And have you wander

Pillage my memories

My emotions

Know, at your deepest core

How much I care

But there is not time

You are on Earth and I

I am here, in this transparent

Cage—burned alive

So the ship could escape a madman

And a weapon of creation

Jim will be here soon

But you will not

I will die and you will never know

That I was going to come to you

After this mission

Finally, I was going to accept

What you've offered for so long

If only—two useless words

But so apt

VI.

If there were any logic in it

I would seek to understand your dismay

You seem to think I should know you

My mother says you care for me

This does not seem relevant

In the aftermath of re-fusion

I have read in my studies

Since reawakening that

It is a human failing to say

An old part of oneself has died

To excuse a loss of sentiment

So if you were to ask me

As you stand in the corner, backing

Away, blinking—your eyes are wet—

I would tell you the Spock you knew is gone

But you do not ask

So I do not have to say it

VII.

If there were no people here

In this vast hall of judgment

Where they acclaim rather than condemn us

I would pull you into my arms

And tell you that now, now is our time

Our eyes meet, you are listening to my father

But looking at me, and that pleases me

That he approves of you but that you

Would rather watch me

I will not examine that

But I will study the way your lips turn up

The manner in which you put your hand

On his arm and he allows it, nodding

As you take your leave

As you walk to me

Jim is waiting for me

As is my father, now that you have abandoned him

But you stop in front of me, and lift your eyebrow

In a way that is yours, not some copy of a Vulcan

And I say, "I will wish to speak to you about our relationship"

The nurse I knew, even the doctor, might have shown

Emotion at that

But you are not those women now and it intrigues me

Who you are—and to discover what else you have become

I have had time to regret that I moved so

Tentatively after Jim left

When I should have claimed what we both want

But that is done

What is, is

What will be—that is up to you

As you smile, only one side of your lips

Tilting up and I imagine tracing

The many smiles you are capable of

You nod and murmur that you look forward

To that conversation

Very, very much

And then you leave

I watch you until the doors close behind you

You might see an echo of your smile on my own face

If you were looking back