DISCLAIMER: The Justice League of America
characters are the property of DC Comics. The story contents are the creation and
property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2005 by Djinn. This story is Rated
PG-13.
Handmaidens of Divine Whimsy
by Djinn
It is said that the number
twenty-three is sacred to Eris, the goddess of
discord. So it's fitting that the gods
decided to take away the metas' powers on the
twenty-third day of May. Certainly, I
have never known a more discordant day--or one that would cause such misery for
so many of my friends.
No one knows why it
happened. No one can hazard a
guess. I see Bruce watching me at the
League meetings that mean nothing now. I
wonder what he thinks--I have to wonder; he will not tell me. He is too busy keeping order to pay attention
to me. I am no longer Wonder Woman. I am not even up to the standards of his own brood. I can't
fight.
Which is not strictly true. I could fight, if I worked at it, but I have
chosen not to. I'm different than many
of the metas.
They are dependent on their powers to help them bull their way through
most situations. But I was trained to
fight from the time I was a child. I am
still a weapons master; I would just have to use my skills in a different
way. I would have to compensate for
having less strength, for not being able to take a deadly blow and walk away
from it. But since I cannot leap and
spin and fly the way I used to, I say I cannot fight. It seems easier than admitting I am tired and
not eager to fight anymore--especially if I'm no longer a living symbol.
Some power decided to make me
human. That has to mean something. And it wasn't just my superpowers that were
taken away--I'm not even as strong as an Amazon anymore. Phillipus would
have let me stay on as Ambassador out of loyalty; Artemis looked like she would
have argued if I had not stepped down voluntarily. I had to step down--something divine had
spoken. I'm not meant to be an Amazon
anymore or a goddess for mortals here on Earth.
But I don't have to be a goddess. I
could still fight as a human, and Bruce knows it. I saw the look he gave me when he asked me
what I planned to do. I think he
expected me to join him in
I'm afraid he'll walk away
again. It's why I didn't suggest that I
would come to
We were like gods. All
of the metas.
We were...superior. Now, we
barely fit in. We are inferior to even
the most ill-equipped human, for we have no idea how to function as
normal. We have no idea how to even
measure normal, let alone thrive in it. Although I am doing better than most. I am fortunate that I never hid behind an
alter ego and was able to make many friends.
In the course of my duties, I got to know a lot of influential people,
many of whom still respect Diana of Themyscira.
I still have the cachet of an ex-princess and an ex-Ambassador and an
ex-superhero. I had several
offers--high-paying offers that would allow me to keep living in the expensive
city I love so much. I took the one that
seemed the most interesting--or at least the most different from being a
superhero. I became Diana Prince and
went to work on Wall Street. And I found
I had a nose for business.
I also found that losing my
superpowers did nothing to stop the admiring glances from the men--and some of
the women--around me. The young ones
offered me pleasure; the old ones offered me security. Many thought I was still a virgin--I could
see the gleam in their eyes at the idea of being my first. I chose none of them. I kept seeing Bruce's face in front of
me. The look of
disappointment. The expectation that I would only continue to disappoint him.
I'm not sure why I care what
he thinks. I've seen him at League
meetings, but he hasn't even called to check on me. Not once.
I guess I'm disappointed--I always thought that he rejected me because I
was too meta.
Now I find he rejects me when I'm human too. I don't think I can ever be what he wants me
to be. I am not sure he even knows what
that is.
I have given up on him. Just like I had to give up on Kal when it was
clear his marriage to Lois would endure.
I love Kal, but I wasn't willing to do anything to jeopardize his
happiness with her. People probably
don't believe that. I know many thought
we were lovers. But we weren't.
I wonder how Kal is
doing. No one's seen him, although J'onn
and Bruce have both tried to call him.
They got Lois--Kal won't talk to them.
She said he was injured but recovering.
I wanted to go to him, but
Metropolis is not so close now that I can't fly.
Besides, what do I have to
offer him? I'm not the woman he loved
anymore.
I'm not the woman anyone
loved anymore.
------------
Clark and I have a lot of
special days. We were silly when we were
first dating. Marking
anniversaries all over the place.
May twenty-third was Tarmello Day. The first day we went to the Saint Ignatio festival in Tarmello. The first day we held hands in public. The first day I let him kiss me on a park
bench.
Now, May twenty-third is the
day
I can imagine how that will
sound to people, so I've kept my frustration to myself. There are already those who think I stay with
Or I used to believe
that. Now, there is little evidence of
We made love all the time
before. Even right after losing his
powers, we made love. But
not now. As he spiraled down, sex
was the first thing to go. Then affection. And now motivation.
He sits all day in his chair
watching the news. He has probably
forgotten what the inside of the Daily Planet looks like, it's been so long
since he set foot in it. I'm worried
about him. But I don't know how to reach
him. Either I try to
be soft and sympathetic, and he tells me I don't understand. Or I try to be tough, and he calls me a nag.
I'm so worried about
him. And I can't think of a single way I
can help him.
And it's clear he's not
interested in helping himself.
----------------
I watch the numbers on my
computer. The company I predicted would
crash and burn is doing just that.
"Nice call, Ms.
Prince," I hear from the doorway.
"You made a killing on that one."
I don't recognize the voice
at first, so I turn, expecting it to be one of the new hires. It is Bruce.
We stand and stare at each
other. I am in his element now, the home
of the millionaire businessman.
"Did you need something,
Mister Wayne?" My voice is colder
than I mean it to be.
He does not appear to
mind. "No. I was in the city for other reasons. Thought I'd check up on
you."
"How
nice." I'm dipping into the sub-arctic now.
"We need stockbrokers in
"No one needs a
stockbroker, Bruce."
He laughs at that, and I am
struck by how little of the Batman shows through. Bruce is the master at this.
He moves closer, pitches his
voice lower. "All right, then we
need people on our side fighting the good fight. And we both know you could still do
that."
"I could." I cross my leg over the other. It is a move that I have perfected--it
elicits truth almost as well as my lasso used to.
His expression changes and
suddenly I see Batman's disapproval. He
does not appreciate my attempt to use sex as a weapon. "I see you've chosen your new
battlefield."
"Bruce--"
"--Save it,
Diana." He walks around the desk,
bending down to look at my computer.
I reach over to blacken the screen, but he
stops me, his hand warm on mine.
"That's none of your
business," I say.
"When has that ever
stopped me?"
He has a point so I try to
pull my hand back, but I can't get away from him--he is stronger than I am
now. I look up at him.
"Try harder," he
says softly.
When I yank my hand, he
smiles. "Well done."
I tip my head at the compliment,
and I don't tell him my wrist feels like I wrenched it badly.
"Don't go with Scrimbling. It's
about to take a tumble." His
expression is dead.
"I know that. I haven't updated this yet." I decide to go out on a limb. "But Roemond and Associates looks
good."
"I'd put a lot on them
if I were you."
"A
tip? How generous of you. And how inappropriate. Insider trading? You, Bruce?"
"I want you to be set
for life, Diana."
"Why?"
"Because then you'll
have plenty of time to think about how you're wasting your talents when you
could be helping us. Oh, and it's not
insider trading if I read about the company in the Journal this
morning." He turns and stalks out.
Shelly, my assistant peeks
in. "That was Bruce
Wayne." She looks star struck.
"It certainly was. He likes Roemond."
"He saw the article too,
huh?"
"He did." It annoys me that he wouldn't think I'd have
seen it. My future depends on my having
seen such things. Although if Roemond
does what we both think it's going to, I won't ever have to worry about my
future again.
I still don't understand why
he thinks my future should be with him, being kicked and bruised and maybe
gunned down in an alley.
My mother didn't raise me to
be a fool.
I can suddenly imagine my mother's
expression. This life I'm leading
wouldn't please her. She'd want me back
on the
And to be killed the way Steel
was. To die alone
fighting some terrible evil. I've
done that once. I don't want to do it
again.
Besides, I wouldn't fit in on the
Themyscira's no longer my home.
Nowhere is. Especially not
--------------
The Planet feels empty
without
I'm long past the point where
I feel any sympathy for him.
"Lois?"
I turn to see Bruce Wayne
coming toward me. His smile is the same
as ever. It still holds the confidence
of a superhero. He wasn't affected by
the black light that took out the metas. He was never super to begin with.
"I went to the
apartment," he says, a look of deep concern on his face.
"He didn't answer the
door." I don't have to make it a
question. I know what
"What's wrong with
him?" Bruce asks.
"What's wrong with any
of them?"
"They're not all like
this."
I wonder if he's referring to
Wonder Woman. I've never been clear what
Bruce feels for her. I do know that
"Well," I say,
"
"Understandable." Bruce's smile is gentle, and I feel a sudden
urge to confess what's going on, but it would be a betrayal of
Instead I sit down at my
computer. "I'm on a deadline,"
I say with the apologetic shrug I used to give
Bruce is as gracious as
"Thanks." I put it on my desk. "We'll be fine, Bruce."
"I know you
will." But he doesn't sound any
more convinced of that than I do.
Perry walks over after Bruce
leaves. "What'd he want?" Perry still thinks he needs to look out for
Even if
"Just
to say hello."
"You used to date him,
didn't you?"
"He can still say hello,
Perry."
Perry sits down on the corner
of my desk. "Kiddo, what's going on
with
"He's just...it's not a
good time right now. And he can't seem
to shake this virus."
"It's getting
worse?"
"Umm
hmm. It's gone into bronchitis now."
"I thought it was a
stomach virus."
"No. A respiratory thing." I'm having trouble keeping my lies straight. Probably because they're
not my lies.
"Lois--"
"Perry, please. I've got to finish this story." I lean forward, give him my best "of
course nothing's wrong" grin. "You
know my boss is a stickler for deadlines."
"I have an in with
him. I bet I could make him ease up on
that." Perry stands up. "You need anything, you just let me
know."
I nod, turning to the
keyboard rapidly so he can't see that I'm on the verge of crying.
I can't remember the last
time
------------------
The streets are
deserted. It is later than I like to
leave work, and I am hurrying down the street trying to get to somewhere where
the cabs will be easier to hail.
"Hey, baby, what's your
rush?"
I don't turn. I've learned to ignore comments like that.
But then I feel a hand on my
arm. My first instinct is to whirl, and my
body doesn't stop to think. I turn, my
hand coming up to connect with his arm.
It feels like iron. I am still acting as if I have Amazon
strength. As if my
slightest blow will knock him across the street. But I have not even managed to move his hand.
"God, you're a
beauty. What say we go somewhere quiet
and get acquainted?" He is pushing
me into an alley, and his smile is a scary one.
I can feel my heart
beating. This is pure fear, and I have
never felt it. My eyes seem to glaze
over and I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. "Let me go."
"If you're a good girl,
I'll let you go. Eventually."
I do not think he's going to
kill me. He just wants to rape me.
He thinks he can rape an
Amazon?
From somewhere inside me
comes the rage that I have not let out since my powers were stripped away. As he rips my skirt up, hands pawing at my
underwear, I remember the things Vanessa used to practice with me--things she
was learning in self-defense class. I
remember laughing about something called "grab, twist, and
pull." I am not sure what I am
supposed to pull, so when he lets go and slams me into the wall, pulling his
pants open, I grab everything I can find and twist. Then I pull.
Hard. Very, very hard. Not
Amazon hard. But
terrified-human hard. And he
screams.
As he falls to the ground, I pull off my shoes and flee. Pulling my ruined skirt back down around me,
I run until I can hail a cab. I fall
into it, trying to ignore the looks the cabbie keeps throwing me. My feet throb from stepping on sharp
objects. They stink from stepping on
other things.
Tears prick my eyes as he
pulls up in front of my building. "Lady?"
I give him a big tip for not
asking questions. "It's been a bad
night."
"I'm sorry." He does look sorry.
I limp inside, locking the
door behind me. I take a long shower,
standing under scalding water and scrubbing at my body and feet. When I finally feel clean again, I get out
and call for takeout. But when the food
arrives, I stand paralyzed at my door.
Whoever is in the hall is not standing in front of the peephole. "Who is it?"
But they don't answer.
I reach for the handle, but I
can't bring myself to open the door.
What if it's him? What if he
followed me?
It's an idiotic thing to
think. The man who wanted to hurt me is
probably still trying to get up. He
doesn't know me; he didn't get my purse.
He can't have followed me home.
I jerk the door open. My heart is beating so hard I think it might
fly out of my chest. I see the deliveryman
about to turn away. "Sorry. I was in the bathroom," I tell him.
"Whatever." He is bored, hands me the receipt to
sign--they have my card on file. I
don't cook much. I don't do anything
much except work and nearly die on my way home.
He wasn't going to kill
me. He was just going to rape--
I close the door, lock it,
and then set the food down and run to the bathroom, throwing up repeatedly
until my throat aches from dry heaving.
I try to breathe through my mouth as I carry the food into the
kitchen. The smell gets through anyway;
I manage not to throw up as I shove it in the refrigerator.
I am not hungry. I just want to go to bed.
I turn on all the lights
before I go into my bedroom and lock the door.
----------------------
I am alone in a dark
room. I hear
"A
good one?" It is a game of ours. This silly banter. As if anyone wants a bad surprise?
"A
very good one."
He turns on the lights,
slowly increasing the illumination so my eyes can adjust. The first thing I notice is his smile. The second thing is the uniform.
"
"That's Superman, little
lady." His grin is infectious, and
I squeal and leap into his arms. He
catches me up, kissing me. "Want to
fly?"
"Yes. Oh, yes."
He walks to the window,
opening it and climbing easily to the ledge with me in his arms. "Ready?"
"But how..."
"Later. Now, we fly." He steps off, but instead of soaring, we
plummet down. I look at him, and he is no
longer smiling--the uniform is gone.
"Is this all you care about?" he asks me as the ground rushes
up to meet us.
I jerk awake.
"Lois." He doesn't even look away from the
television.
"
He looks up, takes too long
to open his arms to me. Instead of going
to him, I turn and walk back into the bedroom.
He doesn't follow me.
-------------------
"So? How are you?"
I can tell it has not escaped
Bruce's notice that I jumped when he came up behind me in the hall, or that I
shied away from anyone who got too close to us on the street. I am very happy to see his town car idling at
the curb. I hate the walk home now.
He pulls the door open. "Diana?"
"I'm fine."
He gives the driver my
address. I've never given it to Bruce,
but it does not surprise me that he knows where I live.
"You're jumpy."
"Yes. It's a side effect of being human."
"No, it's a side effect
of being scared."
I stare out the window,
unwilling to give him that.
He leans forward, and a glass
privacy screen lifts into place.
"What happened?"
"Nothing."
"You were fine the last
time I saw you."
I try to deflect him. "I'm much richer since the last time you
saw me. I imagine you are
too." Roemond stock has gone
through the roof.
He isn't diverted. "Did someone try to hurt you?" He reaches out, and I shy away. "A date?"
"I don't go on dates,
Bruce." It is the truth. It is one
aspect of humanity I'm not embracing.
I'm not sure why. Am I waiting
for him? For Kal? For a sign from the gods?
"Then what
happened?"
"It was late. I was walking home. He--he pushed me into an alley."
Bruce is leaning in, his hand
settling gently on mine. His voice is
like a coiled spring. "Did he hurt
you?"
"I got away." I pull my hand out from under his. Not because his touch bothers me, but because
it doesn't. I want it...I want him. And he'll just walk away again. "I mean, before he could..."
"Good." He seems to relax, but he has not moved away.
"Bruce. While this attention is very flattering, it's
unnecessary. I'm fine."
"I could teach you to defend
yourself--we both know you could be lethal in no time."
"Maybe I don't want to
be lethal."
"In this world, Diana,
you're either the predator or the prey."
I turn to him. "You really believe that, don't
you?"
"I believe it because
it's true. And now that you're living
here on the ground instead of up there in the clouds, you're seeing it
too. And it terrifies you."
I hate that he's right.
He moves toward me, his hand
dropping to my thigh. "If I offered
you a haven at the mansion, you'd say yes just to be safe."
I knock his hand off my
leg. "No. I wouldn't.
I can make myself safe."
He backs off. "If you say so." He drops the privacy screen as the driver
pulls over.
"Thank you for the
ride," I say.
"Aren't you going to
invite me up?"
"Would you come up if I
asked?"
"No."
"Then I won't ask."
His smile spins my head more than his words have already done. I want to slap him, only I probably won't do
that right either.
"What do you want from
me, Bruce?"
"I want you to try
again. I want you to be a wonder."
"Wonder Woman is
gone." I slide out of the car.
"Someone else could be
reborn in her place."
I don't answer, just walk
away from him. Back to
my apartment, to shut the world out with the heavily fortified door. I've added locks since the attack. The super was not pleased when she found
herself locked out. She was even less
pleased when I wouldn't make her copies of the keys.
She can go to hell. I feel safe enough again to sleep with the
lights off and the bedroom door unlocked.
In this new life, it is the
small victories that count.
---------------------
He has gone to her. In my heart, I know he has.
Well, and Bruce told me he had. When I asked. He
didn't volunteer it. He wouldn't hurt me
that way.
Bruce sounded hurt. Angry. He had the voice of a man whose plans have
come crashing down. I am sorry my
husband has ruined his courtship plans.
Now it hurts, and still I
can't help but wonder if they don't deserve each other if she's in the same
state he is. Bruce says she's
afraid. Outside and
working, but afraid.
I want to spit on them
both. They're human and they're
afraid? Well, welcome to our world. Welcome to Humanity 101.
"Lois?" Perry frowns as I empty
"Cleared out is more
like it. He's gone, Perry."
"I'm sorry."
I shrug. "He's been having a hard time. Stress, I guess. And our marriage...we haven't been getting
along for a while now." It's a
lie. We were fine until May
twenty-third. We were more than
fine. I'm still protecting
"Why don't you let me do
that?"
"I've got it." I look up at him. Let him see that I'm not close to tears, and
he nods grudgingly and goes back into his office.
I cried all my tears over the
weekend when my husband left me without even trying to make it better. When he rushed off to the woman he may have
loved best the entire time.
That's what hurts the
worst. That my life
with him may have been a lie.
"Hi."
I don't have to turn around
to know who it is. I smile
slightly. "You keep showing
up."
"I was worried about
you." Bruce takes the box from me,
holds it while I put
"Hey, that's mine,"
he says, nodding at a pen. "I knew
he borrowed it."
I put it in his pocket. "I found my favorite mug in here
too."
"Klepto
Clark." His smile is careful. I can tell he will abandon the gentle teasing
if I react badly.
I decide to laugh. "Maybe so." I finish cleaning out the desk, conscious
that we are being watched. I guess I
can't blame them. I am packing up my
husband's desk after he abandoned me, while another man helps me. A handsome, caring man.
A man for
whom humanity is not the enemy.
"He said I couldn't
understand what he's going through because I'm human."
Bruce sets the box down. "He's right. You'd never give up that way."
"Neither would
you."
"No, I
wouldn't." Taking my hand, he loops
it over his arm. "Let's go get some
lunch. Anywhere you want. My treat."
I name my favorite Indian
restaurant. It's a hole in the wall, but
the food is great. He smiles often
through lunch, but I can feel that he is in pain too.
"It hurts you to lose
her?"
He looks up at me, finally
shakes his head. "It hurts me to
lose any of them. They could try. They could learn. If they would just let go
of what they were."
I lean toward him, taking his
hand. "Tragedy made you who you
are. Gave you determination and tempered
you. But for others--it just shatters
them."
He squeezes my hand. "You're right."
He drops me off at the
Planet, and I kiss his cheek before I get out.
"Lois?" he says as
I step out of the car.
I turn, leaning down so I can
see his face.
"
"I know." Then I shut the door and go back inside.
--------------------
Kal moves over me, it feels
so good to have him this close. We've
said no strings and no promises. But we
can't seem to stop touching each other.
We've both wanted this for so long. Even if I always envisioned it happening in his Fortress. Or in the air. Flying and making love with a passion and
energy that would have killed a human.
Now we make love like
humans. And it's good. It's warm and heady, but I just wish that I
felt safer when it was over.
I lie in the circle of Kal's
arms, and I'm still afraid. I thought he
would bring me the security that I seem to crave now. But he hasn't.
I think he expected to find
safety in my arms too. I've always been
strong enough to catch him when he falls.
I was the only one strong enough to do that. But now...now I am sadly lacking.
He never says he loves
me. I don't say it to him either. Words that came so easily to us as friends
seem to elude us as lovers. Words that
gods could speak won't easily cross human lips.
"Diana," Kal
breathes. I know from experience he will
find completion without discovering solace.
I call him Clark when I
whisper his name. He has asked me not to
call him Kal. And even though I'll
always think of him as Kal, I try to respect his wishes and call him by the
name that is linked with his humanity.
Maybe if he didn't believe Kal was gone, things would be better for him. For us. Maybe if he could find some hope, he would
never have left Lois.
I am not sure if I am glad he left Lois or not.
He rolls off me, holding me
close. The sex is wonderful. Our bodies love each other. But our hearts...? I'm not so sure anymore.
We're both scared. That alone keeps us together. And I feel less scared on the streets when I
can cajole him to go outside with me.
Kal is huge. Few challenge
him. Few want to. They have no idea that he probably has no
idea how to fight them.
"
"Hmmm?" He kisses my
neck softly. He is very sweet after
sex. It does not make it easier to
connect with him though. If anything, it
is a barrier. I know he will shut down
as soon as our clothes go back on.
"Maybe we should take
some classes. Fighting. They offer that now. Street fighting. Defense. Basic stuff."
"That's Bruce
talking."
Since he has not talked to
Bruce since our powers were stolen, I do not see how he could know this.
"But it might be good
for our confidence. For
our sense of security."
"I'm feeling very
secure," he says, kissing me again.
But I think he is just making an excuse for not getting out of the
apartment.
"But--"
"--Diana, leave it
alone."
I know better than to argue
with him when he's in this mood. He'll
just leave the bed and go out to the living room. He'll watch the television, noting all the
things Superman could have fixed, could have
prevented, could have made better. He'll
sit and brood and when he does talk to me, it will be a nasty conversation.
I sigh, and he strokes my
arm. He does not like to be mean to me,
but he is spiraling downward--we both are.
And I don't think that either of us like that we may be pulling each
other down faster than if we'd been alone.
I always thought loving Kal
would make me complete. I think he
always thought that too.
I don't tell him that he
calls out Lois's name in the night sometimes.
I don't tell him that I dream
of Bruce. And if I call his name out in
the dark, Kal doesn't mention it.
----------------
"So, how are they
doing? Your new
recruits?"
Bruce
smiles. "I didn't recruit them, Lois."
"Oh, I think you
did." I take a sip of the very
expensive
"It's slow
going." He actually sighs. The mansion is quiet, but I know that Alfred
is hovering somewhere. There if we need
him.
"Are they going to get
it?"
"I don't know. Linda will, I think." He glances at me, but when I don't react, he
smiles tightly. "She seems to have
inherited the guts in the family."
"Who would have thought
that Supergirl would be the most super of the
clan?"
He nods.
"I'm proud of her,"
I say.
"You should tell
her. It would mean a lot."
"Why? Because you won't?" I smile at him, knowing how hard he has to be
on them. Their survival depends on it.
"Something like that." He
pours us both more wine. "Do we
have to talk about them? I spend too
much time watching them crash and burn as it is."
"What would you rather
talk about?"
"You."
I laugh. "Nice segue way,
He shrugs and his eyes
sparkle. I'm struck not for the first
time by how handsome he is. Not super,
but real. Human. Strong and determined and
not sitting in a chair bemoaning his fate.
"Bruce, when your
parents were killed. Did you ever just
want to quit? To hide
away?"
"Sure. It's a natural reaction."
"But you didn't. Not for long anyway."
His smile is patient. "We're humans. Scrapping and trying is what we do. It's what sets us apart. The metas--they're
just starting to find out what they're made of.
We already know."
I nod and set my silverware
down on my plate. Dinner has been
exquisite, as usual. "I can't stay
long," I murmur.
"Why
not?"
I stare into his eyes and
can't think of a reason.
"Alfred outdid himself
on dessert."
I smile helplessly. Who am I to deny Alfred his chance to show
off a dessert? "After
dessert then."
"Stay the night."
"I shouldn't."
"Stay with me," he
says, and I think he's trying to make sure that I understand what he is asking for,
what he is offering.
"It's not a good
idea."
He reaches for my hand, and I
let my fingers twine with his. Our skin
together is warm and feels like home.
"Why isn't it a good
idea?"
"I'm your best friend's
wife."
"Soon
to be ex. And I haven't seen
I forge on to the harder
part. "And he's with the woman you
really want."
He leans forward, and his
expression is as intense as I've ever seen it.
"If that were the case, I'd go get her from him. It's a fair fight now. But it's not the case. I'm exactly where I want to be, Lois. Now, if you need time to figure out where you
want to be, that's fine." He tries
to let go of my hand.
I don't let him. "Did you practice that?"
"Maybe." He grins. "I tried to imagine what you'd
say."
"Knew I'd argue,
huh?"
"I knew you'd see
through to the possible issues. It's
what you do."
"Just as coming up with
an answer for any scenario is what you do?"
He nods. "I think we're made for each other,
don't you?"
I laugh, then
I stop. This is serious, despite how
much fun it is to be with him.
"Neither of them will ever forgive us."
His eyes are dark. "Maybe it's not us who needs
forgiving?"
"Maybe it's
not." I take a deep breath. I know we are sealing a deal. I know I am nailing the coffin shut on my
marriage.
It feels like I've just shed
two hundred plus pounds.
It feels good.
I lift my eyes to him slowly
in a way I used to think was sensuous before
"Did I say there was
dessert?" He smiles. "You can be the dessert."
I roll my eyes, and he
grins. Then he stands up and holds his
hand out to me.
"Shall we get on with
our lives,
I am not
----------------
Shelly is reading a
tabloid. "I can't believe someone
finally caught him."
"Who?" I ask,
wondering which actor has broken her heart now.
"Bruce Wayne."
I stop at her desk, and she
holds up the magazine. Splashed across a
full page is a shot of Bruce and Lois dancing.
There is nothing friendly about the way they are holding each
other. These are two lovers showing the
world how they feel.
I can feel my chest tighten;
the world spins a little bit, and I have to sit down in the chair by Shelly's
desk.
"Are you all
right?"
I nod. She doesn't know I'm with Lois's soon to be
ex-husband. If
"You know Mister
Wayne. Do you know her too?" Shelly
asks.
I nod.
"She's friends with
Superman."
"Superman doesn't exist
anymore," I say more harshly than I should. Getting up, I head back to my office and
close the door.
I pick up the phone to call
home. Kal doesn't pick up until I
identify myself. His tone sets me on
edge. This is obviously not a good day
for him. Newsflash--it's not a good day
for me either.
"I saw the most
interesting picture," I say.
"Oh?" He does not sound at all intrigued.
"Bruce and his new
flame. By all accounts it's a hot
relationship. Those who care about such
things are predicting marriage."
"Good for
Bruce."
"No,
sweetheart. Good for Bruce and Lois."
There is silence.
"Well, I just called to
share. Gotta go. Bye."
I hang up.
The phone rings almost
immediately.
"You did that to hurt
me."
He's not entirely wrong. "I did it to share the hurt. Isn't that why we're
together. To make things hurt
less?"
"It's not working."
"It's sure
not." I am on a roll and don't want
to quit. "They looked happy,
He hangs up on me. I get through the rest of the day without
thinking too much about him. I can't get
Bruce off my mind though. Or the way he
was holding Lois.
On the way home, I don't like
the look of some men hanging around ahead of me, so I take a different
route. My path goes past a church, and
when I notice some other men coming toward me, I step inside. I only plan to wait them out, but I'm drawn
deeper into the church for reasons I can't explain.
I sit down, watching as
others come in and genuflect. I don't
even know how to do that. Don't know how
to show basic respect.
Not to the Church. Not to
I slip to my knees, find
myself crying. Then
weeping. I don't move, just stay
there even though my knees are aching and my eyes are starting to sting.
"Daughter?"
It is the voice of my
goddesses. But they are not there. Not Athena or Artemis or great Hera
even. They have forsaken me.
"Daughter?" I hear again.
I look up to see a nun standing in the aisle. "Do you need assistance?"
She is gentle, not standing
too close. I realize she will let me be
if I say so.
She studies me and sits down
beside me. "No trouble is too great
that God cannot help."
"I don't know
God." I probably should
though. According to some, his was the
hand that laid me low.
"Would you like
to?"
"I doubt he wants to
know me. I was cruel to someone I
love." I sigh. I have told a complete stranger that I love
Kal when I cannot tell it to him.
"Who else would we be
cruel to?" She smiles at me. "It doesn't work as well with
strangers."
Smiling, I nod through my tears.
"If you'd like to talk,
we have a lovely garden."
I don't know why, but I
follow her. The garden has a
fountain. It reminds me of the
"Tell me of God," I
say. My goddesses aren't interested in
me anymore. Maybe I will do better with
this deity?
-------------------
I hurry into the
mansion. Alfred turns and points
upstairs without a word. Nodding, I
hurry up to the bedroom.
Bruce is sitting in the chair
by the door, his uniform half off. He is
pushing at his eyes, as if he can force the pain out by will alone.
I kneel in front of him, and
he drops a hand on my head, gently touching my hair. "We lost Ray."
"I know. I heard."
"He was trying to figure
out what happened to them all. He
volunteered to be a guinea pig."
I nod. There is nothing for me to say here. Bruce needs to work this out. That he will talk about it with me makes me
warmer inside than any sweet endearment he has whispered in my ear.
"First Steel, now the
Atom. Who's next?"
I resist telling him it won't
be Superman.
"I feel as if I'm
failing them, Lois." He pulls me,
drawing me up halfway, into his arms.
It's uncomfortable, but I
don't care. "You aren't failing
them, Bruce. You can't take care of them
all."
He sighs. "I can't even keep tabs on my best
friend."
I look up.
"
My eyebrows go up. I refrain from saying something bitchy. They lasted less time than I thought they
would. Guess she wasn't so wonderful? Or maybe I should have told her that he
isn't very super these days? "Where
did
"I don't know. By the time she called me, the trail was
cold."
I feel a surge of jealousy
that she is calling Bruce. Then I remind
myself he isn't
These metas who can't even look after themselves.
"Do you want me to find
him?" I ask.
His eyebrow goes up. "You think you can find him when I
can't?"
I nod.
"We'll see about
that."
I kiss him, and he pulls me
to my feet, taking me to the bed. We lie
in silence, holding each other close. He
doesn't do anything more than stroke my arm and kiss me occasionally. I know he doesn't usually share these dark
moments, and I am willing to just lie quietly and let him deal with his pain
however he needs to.
Even if he's not talking,
he's not shutting me out. He's including
me in the process.
I wonder if she's upset or relieved.
------------------
"Ms. Prince, there's a
I stare up at her for a
moment as I tell the nurse at my doctor's office that I'll call her back
later.
"Ms. Prince?" Shelly gives me a funny look. It's not like me to put her off.
"Show her in."
Shelly is gone for a moment, then she is leading Lois in.
"Hi,
Diana." Lois sounds like we're old friends. I'm not sure why.
"Hello." I motion for Shelly to close the door on her
way out. I sit back, trying to look like
the corporate raider. Then I realize
that I can never outdo Bruce in that regard.
"Interesting
jewelry."
I frown. What does my jewelry have to do with
anything?
"I'd heard you'd taken
up religion? That all you wore were
crosses?" Her tone is somewhere
between neutral and mocking.
I don't feel prepared to spar
with her. She's always been quicker than
I am. Even if I'd
never tell her that. And I'm
certainly not going to give her the truth--that her God doesn't want me any
more than my own gods do. "The
crosses didn't go with anything."
She smiles slowly. A look of respect.
"Is there something you
want, Lois?"
"I have something you
may want."
I decide not to ask her if
it's Bruce. I just wait, tapping my fingers
lightly on the desk as if I have a hundred other places to be.
"I know where
"Is he all
right?"
She looks taken aback.
"You actually care?"
It surprises me too.
"I didn't realize,"
she says. "When he left and you
weren't out there looking for him, I thought you didn't care."
"Why?"
"I guess I can't imagine
Wonder Woman not searching the ends of the Earth for Superman."
"I'm not Wonder Woman
anymore."
"And he's not
Superman."
"No, he's
not." I look at her. We've never been friends, she and I. There have been times I wished I felt closer
to her.
Now is not one of them. "I don't need Superman," I say,
hitting the "I" hard.
Her face tightens. "I'd say you do need
I drop my hand, but it is too
late. Lois's quick eyes miss nothing.
"Does he know?"
I shake my head.
"Do you want him
to?"
"No. He has to come back on his own."
"What if he
doesn't?" She doesn't sound
concerned so much as curious.
Weak. She thinks I'm
weak. She thinks all of us are.
"I'll survive."
Her smile is a copy of
Bruce's at his worst. Hanging out with
the Batman is not improving her disposition.
"Well, if you change your mind and want him to know, just give a
yell."
I nod. Tersely. It means "Get out" as much as
anything.
She stands, then leans over my desk.
"Don't you even want to know where he is?"
"No." I'll just go to him, and it will be for all
the wrong reasons. It's time to make my
own way. If he comes
back, great. If not, fine.
"I hope things work
out." She could be saying she hopes
it doesn't rain tomorrow.
"Are you enjoying
this?" I look up at her. She has been my rival for so long.
"Part of me
is."
At least she's honest. "And the other part.
Does that part pity me?"
"Compassion, I
think. Not pity. For what it's worth, I don't hate you. Even though my husband
couldn't wait to leave me and run to you."
She is giving me that. A gift. It took Kal a
long time to leave her. And he was
running away from life not to anything, least of all me.
"If I hurt you, Lois,
I'm sorry."
"The kinder, gentler
Wonder Woman? Or is that just your
religion talking?"
"My religion doesn't
talk." No matter which god I call
on, they are silent.
"I'm sorry. It can be a great comfort, I'm
told." She holds out her hand. "Good luck, Diana."
I don't want to touch her, but I take her hand.
"To you too. I hope you and Bruce are very happy."
"We are." It is the same defiant Lois I've seen with
Kal. Only this time I have a feeling it
is true. Bruce has not been by to see me
in a long time. If I was ever something
he wanted, I'm not any longer.
------------------
"She's
floundering."
Bruce looks up. "Who?"
"Diana."
He seems surprised. "You went to her?"
"I told her we found
"And?"
"She wants him to come
back on his own."
He smiles. "Good for her." Then he goes back to whatever lethal little
toy he's making now.
I watch him for a moment, curious if he's dissembling. But he appears to have put her out of his
mind. I know he's preoccupied with the
Phoenix Team's first mission. I also
know how proud he is of his metas who are willing to
try things the hard way.
"They'll be fine."
He nods. But a line of worry crosses his face.
"Go with them if you
don't think they can handle it."
"If I do that, they'll
know I think they can't handle it."
I smile at his logic. "Send someone else then."
He looks up. "It was what I was considering."
"Great minds..." I sit down in
the chair next to him. "Nightwing is the least threatening."
He laughs. "You think?"
"Relatively
speaking. You've got a pretty creepy scale going
there."
He pulls me to him, kissing
me thoroughly. "I love you."
"Yeah. You say that
to all the pretty reporters who hang out in the Batcave."
"Got
me there." He looks so light I want to take a picture
just to prove he can smile that way.
"I've got to go back to
Metropolis in the morning," I say.
"Take the
jet."
He's practically given me the
jet to use to get back and forth. He
likes having me around.
I stand up. "I'm going to go check on Alfred. He promised to make those chicken wings I
like, but he may need some prodding."
"Lois?" Bruce is putting the final touches on his
gizmo and doesn't look up.
"Hmmm?"
"Your divorce is final
in two months."
"Yes, it is."
"Do you want a big
wedding again?"
I put my hands on my
hips. "As proposals go, that one
sucks."
He looks up, then he tosses me the toy he's been working on.
Only it's not a toy. It's a little box in the shape of a bat.
"Open it," he says.
I am laughing as I open
it. I tease him all the time about
borrowing a bat-brush and bat-paste. Now
he's given me something bat-wrapped.
As I stare at the ring, he
gets up and walks over. "If you
don't like it...?"
"No, it's
beautiful. Perfect." And very big. I look up at him. "You don't have to marry me."
"Not the reaction I
expected." He draws me in for a
kiss. "I'd prefer a small wedding,
but no one will look sideways if we throw a huge one."
I raise an eyebrow, and he
laughs and drops to one knee.
"Lois, will you do me the honor?" He slides the ring on my finger as he asks,
clearly not interested in waiting for my answer.
It would be very touching if
he hadn't pulled on the hood. I can't
even see his eyes.
"Goof," I say, pushing
him over and following him down. I have
never made love to him on the floor of the Batcave. I think I'll resist doing it next time; the
cave floor is very cold. I admire the
ring as we lie together for a moment, before we get dressed again.
He looks very pleased with
himself. "Shall we go upstairs,
someday-to-be Mrs. Wayne?"
"You know, if I
hyphenated my name, I'd be Mrs. Lane-Wayne."
He smirks. "That sounds ridiculous."
"Yes, I think I won't
hyphenate my name."
"Do whatever you want to
with your name. Just marry
me." He kisses me, and it is a
sweet and tender kiss. One human to another.
"I love you,
Bruce."
"I love you,
Lois." Then he smacks me on the
butt.
"You'll pay for
that." My reward is his goofy smile
again as he tears up the stairs, not trying very hard to get away from me.
I think that I'm the only one
who ever sees this side of him. And I
love it.
Almost as
much as I love him.
-----------------
I call Lois but Bruce picks
up.
"Diana?" he
says. He doesn't sound happy to hear
from me. He doesn't sound upset
either.
"I thought this was
Lois's number?"
"It is." There is no other explanation. What other explanation do I need?
"She said she knew where
Kal was."
"We both do. Do you want to know?"
I feel the despair that has
been plaguing me all day threatening again.
"Just...is he all right?"
"He's in the mountains,
Diana. He's alone. He's getting better. According to J'onn."
He's getting better, but he
doesn't want to come home. He may not
even think of this as home. "I love
him, Bruce."
"Does he know
that?"
"I don't
know." I sigh, eyeing the wreckage
in the apartment. I got a little out of
control when despair gave way to rage. "I
don't know if he even loves me."
"I don't either." Bruce's voice is neutral.
It hurts. "Bruce.
I'm sorry that I didn't come work with
you. I know how well the Phoenix Group
is doing."
"If you were meant to be
part of this, you would be."
"Meaning what? I don't have what it takes?" Rage is speaking up again. Strike out, it says. Hurt someone else, so you don't hurt so
badly. I tell the rage to go away.
"I didn't mean
that. I mean we all have our roles to
play."
"I'm pregnant," I
say, wondering if Lois has told him.
There is a long silence. Then he says softly, "Do you want me to
get him for you?"
I remember that Bruce grew up without his parents. "No, Bruce. I didn't mean that. I just...I just wanted you to know."
"Diana, let me go get
him."
"No. He'll come home on his own." I don't really believe that anymore. But it sounds better than admitting I've
given up hope. "Goodbye,
Bruce."
I hang up the phone and as I
turn, I stub my toe on an overturned table.
Tears fall, and I can't stop them.
This time I don't think there'll be any stopping them.
I walk into the
bathroom. Kal's things are strewn across
the floor. I was cleaning them out,
moving them into a box that I was going to put in the storage closet. But despair came over me, and then rage took
over. There is nothing of his that is
not smashed. The mirror is ruined, and
as I stare at myself, I think my reflection is probably finally accurate with
all the distortion.
He's never coming back. I'll raise this child alone. I'll be alone. In this terrible world that
I'm not equipped to survive in.
That my
child won't be either. What kind of mother will I be? What kind of life can I give a baby?
I'd pray, but there are no
gods to hear me. Or if there are, they
do not care to return my calls. I am not
loved. No one loves me.
No one.
Death hovers. I've tasted her before; I know she is
close. She is not scary anymore. She is not as frightening as living this
human life has been. I pick up a large
shard that has fallen off the mirror onto the counter. It is sharp.
Sharp enough. More than sharp
enough. My skin is so soft now. I cut myself all the time
unintentionally. Hurt myself in ways
that would never have been possible before.
I am so tired of hurting.
The shard lies against my
wrist. Go down, not across. Useless trivia picked up somewhere. I adjust the edge. Down, not across.
Like I'm
spiraling down.
My mother would be so
disappointed in me. I am disappointed in
myself.
I press down and feel the
shard touch skin. I stay that way for a
moment, hand shaking. Then I drop to my
knees, the impact on the bare tile painful, and I drop the shard.
I can't do this. I have to believe in something. There may be no God, but I'll pray to him and
to my goddesses too. I'll believe in the
last things I have left. In myself and in my child.
And in Kal.
I've always believed in him. He's
always believed in me.
We have to keep
believing. I have to find hope and know
that something good will come.
The doorbell rings. I am in the nightgown Kal liked best on
me. My makeup is streaked down my
face. But I don't clean up, don't put on
a robe. I just walk out of the bathroom,
to the door. I don't ask who it is.
This is my fate. Somehow I know that.
I open the door without
looking out the peephole. Kal is
there. But I remember to call him the
name he prefers now. "
He looks so beautiful to
me. His hair is long; he has a
beard. And he is smiling tentatively,
while he seems to be drinking me in with his eyes.
I am babbling about the mess
he's going to find when he walks into the apartment.
He is saying he was wrong
about everything. But he wasn't. Maybe we needed this time to realize that we
weren't wrong at all. That
we were right. That
we just need a better way to be right together.
I tell him I'm pregnant. I don't mean to blurt it out, but I do.
He closes the door, taking in
the wreckage of our once pristine apartment.
"I like what you've done with the place, Diana." Then he pulls me close and kisses me.
His lips are ravenous on mine
but also careful, as if I might break.
"It's all right. You won't hurt me." I pull him carefully through the
wreckage. The days are gone when we can
tread through broken glass without worry.
The bedroom is untouched. My rage
ran out before I got there.
I crawl onto the bed, pulling
him after me. "Make love to me,
Clark."
"Kal. You can call
me Kal."
"I don't have to. Not if you don't like it anymore."
"I like it." He smiles.
Kissing my neck, he whispers, "Call me both. Remind me of who I am. All the things I am."
"Kal," I say, and
it feels so good to use that name again.
"I've missed you so."
"Diana." He pulls the nightgown up, pulls me to
him. "I love you. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to say
that."
"I love you," I
say, barely getting the words out as he makes love to me for the first
time--we've had sex so many times, but it's never been like this.
When we lie together, safe
finally in each other's arms, he says with wonder, "We're going to have a
child?" He sounds so happy that I
am almost sorry I didn't find him earlier to tell him.
But he had to come back on
his own. And maybe I had to go through
my darkest hour so I'd be strong enough when he did come back?
"I'm going to go to the
Planet. I'm going to try to get my old
job back." He pulls away so he can
see my face. "I mean, I'm going to
do that if you'll move with me to Metropolis?"
I nod. "I suppose they need stockbrokers
there."
"I think so." He touches my face, tracing my cheek. "I dreamed of you so many times. Imagined your face so many
nights." He sighs. "Once the baby is born, once you're
recovered, I think we should start taking self-defense classes."
I look up at him.
"We can do more,"
he says softly. "Maybe
not as much as Bruce or the Phoenix Group. But more than this."
He is right. We can do more. But not that much more. We put in more than double duty back in the
day. There should be some rest for the
weary now.
He kisses me for a long
time. Sweet, easy
kisses that send the despair and rage packing.
"I'm sorry about the
apartment," I say.
"It just matches how we
look inside." He grins at me, and
it is a sweet expression that I have not seen since the twenty-third of
May. "We'll clean it up together."
We. It's a word I
could get used to.
-----------------------
I watch
"Lunch, Mrs.
Wayne?" Bruce says softly, sneaking up behind me as he loves to do.
I smile. I've been Mrs. Wayne all of a week. "Aren't you sick of me yet?"
"Nope."
"What are you doing in
town?"
"Checking
on Diana." He doesn't lie to me. Ever.
I just smile. Diana doesn't interest him, or if she does,
he can control his urges. "How is
she?"
"Throwing up when I left."
It's mean, but I laugh.
"I knew you'd like
that." Bruce touches the small of
my back, making me shiver--I begin to wonder what he has in mind for
lunch. Then he looks over at
"You were right when you
said they'd probably never forgive us," Bruce says softly. "I don't think 'a cold day in hell'
would be overstating it."
"Aren't they happy
together?"
"They are. That's the hell of it." He shrugs.
"Oh, well."
I laugh. Batman is such a pragmatist. He won't worry over what he cannot
change--and there isn't much he can't change or doesn't have some protocol for. But fixing the rift between us and them isn't
in the cards. At least
not now. Maybe. Someday.
Or not. I'm fine
either way. I'll worry about my life and
Bruce's. They can worry about theirs.
------------------
I watch John as he
plays. Kal and I named him after his
father and to honor Steel--the first of us to die. Our baby doesn't know the sad legacy. He is a happy child. He doesn't cry very often--maybe I stole all
his tears when I wept so hard that night, the night I nearly killed us
both?
"He's meta," I say
to Kal.
"I know."
"You weren't going to
say anything?"
"I thought I was
imagining it." He smiles at
me. "Or that I just wanted him to
be."
"Did you know Linda's
pregnant?"
He looks at me. "She
and Arthur?"
I nod. "Apparently they were doing more than
just training." I waggle my
eyebrows, and he laughs.
"I wonder if their
child...?"
"Yeah. Me too." John is
crawling our way. He pulls himself up,
using Kal's leg to do it.
Kal winces.
"Stronger than he looks,
isn't he,
Now that we realize that, we blend together perfectly.
John gurgles happily as his
father holds him closer. Kal is a great
father. He's a great husband too. And I'm a wife he can look forward to coming
home to. We've learned this part of
being human at least. The rest...well,
it'll come.
"Lois invited us over
for dinner," he says.
"Oh?" I shoot him a look. I can't tell if he wants to go.
"Bruce thinks it's
time."
"Well, I'm glad Bruce
has spoken." I play with John's
toes, making him giggle. "He
probably just wants to test the baby."
"She did say to bring
him."
"It'll be odd,
Kal."
"Yes, it
will." He nuzzles me. "We don't have to go."
"Oh,
hell. Let's beard the lion in his den." I shrug.
"If it's too uncomfortable, we won't ever spend time with them
again."
"You're so smart."
I don't always feel very
smart. Look at how long it took us to
figure out what humans have been doing for millennia. Basic living. Surviving. We failed miserably our first time out.
But not anymore.
Now we're passing. Not quite with
flying colors. But close. We're close.
And I know we'll keep
trying. Kal and I have discovered that
the only lesson we really needed to learn was to never stop trying.
I know we never will.
FIN