DISCLAIMER: The Harry Potter
characters are the property of J.K. Rowling. This is a work of fan fiction created
in 2012 by Djinn. This story is Rated R.
Fire in the Belly
by Djinn
Part One
Hermione
sat on the porch of the Burrow. Rose
and Hugo were inside with Fleur, and Ron was—well, somewhere. She leaned back, enjoying the rare
moment of quiet. She tried to not
think about work or the things that needed doing back at the flat or how Hugo
was growing out of his clothes again.
She
heard clomping, felt herself tense.
Did
you pack my book? Ron asked through the screen door.
No. You were going to pack your book.
No,
you said youd do it.
She
took a deep breath. Read
mine. I did pack that.
I
dont want to read yours. I want to
read mine.
She
counted to ten. Maybe hed be gone
by then or would conjure the blasted book and leave her in peace. This is how work was, too. Everyone at her, all
the time. Couldnt anyone do
for themselves anymore?
She turned to look at the door; Ron wasnt there. She sighed. In relief. Which was horrible of her. Was she ever pleasant to him
anymore? She kept telling herself
to try and then hed come round with something else, and theyd be off again.
Bickering
over nothing. She sighed again,
this time because she knew she needed to do better.
If
only she had a little time to herself.
Oh,
Im sorry. I thought no one was out
here. Harry stood at the foot of
the stairs, little Lily on his hip.
Shes been fussy. Walking
helps. Weve been around the house
four times and Im knackered, he said, and Hermione nodded in understanding.
Harry
was an excellent dad. More hands on
than Ron was, to be honest. But
also more worried. Like at any
moment his children might break.
But
given his background, Hermione supposed this probably wasnt too
surprising. Hed spent his
childhood having most everyone he loved ripped away. Probably not something you just shook
off and moved on from.
Come
sit, she said, patting the porch swing next to her.
He
settled in and she played with Lily for a moment, letting the baby reach for
her fingers.
Shes
a beauty.
Takes
after her mom.
Hermione
smiled. Lily did favor Ginny.
Harry
leaned back. Nice evening.
Very. Nice dinner, too.
Very. Molly outdid herself.
Mmm. She took
a deep breath and glanced at Harry.
Everything okay at the job?
Oh,
yes. Well, you know. Same old same old. You?
Fine,
of course. She looked away. Although if
something—anything—different ever happened, it would be a
red-letter day.
He
chuckled. Your department isnt known
for being quiet. But I guess
compared to the old days...?
They
looked at each other and smiled. A game smile. A
smile of two people who at one time werent sure theyd make it out of their
teens.
But
Im fine. Im happy, she said, as
she felt her smile fading.
His
was fading, too. No,
definitely. Very happy.
I
mean we got it, right? The happily ever after.
Kill the bad wizard. Live a
long, happy life.
Well,
longer than we might have. He
grinned. Who knows what the future
holds?
She
smiled. I miss those days,
Harry. She realized shed said
that out loud. I mean—
Its
okay. I miss them, too.
They
both sat, and he dandled his daughter on his lap as they stared out at the slowly
darkening sky.
Danger
used to come from the sky. It was
something Hermione had never gotten over.
She still considered the heavens suspect. Always would, she imagined.
The
door opened, and Molly peeked out.
Oh, there you are, you two.
Come inside. Ron cant find
his book so I thought charades would be just the thing. We cant play without you.
Brilliant,
Hermione said as soon as Molly closed the door, not even trying to keep the
rancor from her voice. Charades.
Which, apparently, they cant play without us.
Beggars
cant be choosers, eh? He stood,
hefted Lily onto his hip and held his hand out to her. My lady?
Laughing,
she let him pull her up and escort her back inside.
##
Harry
walked among the auror cubicles, smiling at those busy working, stopping to
talk to others who werent so engaged.
He knew, no matter what it looked like, everyone in the group was fully
occupied, but they all knew how to take a little time for themselves. They spent too much time in the field to
worry overmuch about what happened when they made an appearance at the home
office.
Except
for Harry, of course. Ever since
hed been put in charge last year, he hadnt logged more than a handful of
hours in the field. His days were
made up of meetings, reports, more meetings, more reports, and general
tediousness. If he was lucky, he
might have the odd personnel problem to break up his day. If he was lucky.
Today,
he wasnt lucky, so he was living vicariously through the tales of his aurors
just back from dangerous, hair-raising missions.
He
heard a low cough, saw Minister Shacklebolt standing with two Asian men wearing
yellow and red robes. Shacklebolt
motioned him over.
This
is the man I was telling you about, gentleman. May I present our head of the auror
department, Harry Potter. Harry, this is Tenzing and Sonam,
distinguished visitors to the Ministry from Nepal.
Hello. Harry wasnt sure whether to bow or
shake their hands, so he settled for a nod of his head.
Ah,
the famous one. Tenzing took
Harrys hand in his and smiled.
Interesting.
Excuse
me?
So
much potential.
Oh,
Harry here has more than lived up to his potential.
Sonam
gave him a somewhat pitying smile.
Of course. Tenzing meant no
disrespect. You have, of course,
gone very far for your system.
Our
system?
Sonam
smiled. It was an annoying
smile. Not unlike Snapes, only
worse. Supercilious
in an enlightened way. Like
you wanted to get mad, but then felt guilty when you did. Your system of magic. Rules and rote and—he nodded at
the wand in Harrys belt—those.
Wands,
you mean?
Tenzing
shared a look with his colleague.
They are so small to be such pervasive crutches.
Shacklebolt
had the fixed smile of a man who had gone through this sort of interplay all
day. Potter. Take them to lunch, will you?
Tenzing
bowed to him. Your time and
attention have been deeply appreciated.
Good
to hear. Ill leave you in Potters
hands. Enjoy the rest of your stay
in London. Preferably far, far
away from the Ministry was what Harry heard unsaid in his bosss voice.
Sonam
studied Harry. We know we have
wearied the minister with our critiques of your...methods.
Tenzing
smiled, a true smile, open and friendly.
It is in adversity that one grows.
It is how one answers the challenging truth that defines character.
Harry
led them out. Hes a good
man. Full of
character. He fought—
I
did not mean to infer he was not a good man. But like all of you, he is stuck in
place. Tenzing turned to Sonam. I am not hungry. Are you?
I
am not.
We
have meditations to attend to. Tenzing
reached into a pocket that Harry didnt think had been on his robe a moment
before. He handed Harry a lotus
flower that let off a hint of fragrance, then folded
itself up over and over into a circular business card. It was covered with some kind of writing
he couldnt read—Sanskrit?
For
the questing mind, there are always places to go. Tenzing bowed.
I
dont understand.
When
the student is ready, the teacher appears. Tenzing smiled gently. Although sometimes the teacher appears
just a bit before. His look turned
playful. I am sure lunch would be
delightful, but you have things to do, do you not? Important things?
Harry
tried to hide the truth: lunch with these two would have been the most exciting
part of his day.
Tenzings
smile faded. It is hard to have
lived the bulk of ones life in your childhood. At Harrys look, he touched his
forehead, where the lightning-bolt scar still showed. You were defined by this for so
long. Does it hurt?
Not
anymore. Not once the darkness was purged.
Tenzing
glanced at Sonam, then back at Harry.
Evil, you mean. Evil was
purged, not darkness. It is one of
the strange parts of your system that darkness is so maligned. You are losing a valuable resource if
you equate it to evil. He
shrugged. But what am I? An old man who needs to be leaving.
Why
did you come here? Harry opened
the door, then followed them out of the Ministry. You clearly think youre better than
us.
Better? Tenzings expression was playful. More open, perhaps. There is an entire universe of
possibilities out there. And yet
you limit yourself to what you have here.
I am only saddened at the waste.
With
a bow they left him.
Harry
saw Hermione coming out of the door theyd just left. She looked unaccountably liberated. Who was that? she asked.
Visitors. Shoved off on me by Shacklebolt.
Better
you than me.
You
going to lunch?
She
turned and gave him a strange look.
I dont know what Im going to do right now. Ill see you later. With a mysterious smile, she walked off.
He
took a deep breath and went back inside.
Maybe Ron was free for a bite.
##
Hermione
read over the report Odyssia had given her. The young woman sat in the chair in
front of her, looking like she hadnt slept in weeks. This is not your normal work.
Odyssia
perked up immediately, looking like a dog waiting to be kicked. Maam?
There
are typos and grammatical issues all over this report. More importantly, your conclusions seem
to be, well, inconclusive. Im used
to something a bit more polished from you.
Odyssia
looked crestfallen. Oh, maam, Im
sorry. I read it over. Several times. I did.
Hermione
studied her brightest investigator.
She was not usually given to babbling out excuses any more than she was
to making mistakes in reports.
Whats going on?
Odyssia
looked down.
You
can tell me. You know I think
highly of you. Is there a problem
youre afraid to tell me about?
Oh,
no, everythings fine. A gigantic
yawn put lie to that statement.
Hermione
let an eyebrow rise in a way that would have made Snape proud.
Oh,
maam, Im sorry. I am. Its just, I wanted to be perfect and
you know youre you, and you were
part of them, and its such an honor.
And Im young, and I know others questioned my assignment to this posting, and
I just wanted to show that I could do—
Double
the work? Hermione smiled. Do you have it on now? The Time-Turner?
Odyssia
fished it out from under her robe.
It
looked just like the one Hermione had used third year. You know, for something supposedly
destroyed, there are an awful lot of those turning up. She smiled at her own silly pun.
Odyssia
didnt.
Give
me that. She held out her hand,
waited as Odyssia slipped it off and placed it in her hand. I used one of these for an entire
year. I hated it. You cannot sleep off two days in the few
hours a night people like us generally sleep. Odyssia, youre fine the way you
are. Whoever I was, whoever I knew, whatever you think of me, you dont need
this to impress me. Just do a good
job. Be yourself. I had to learn that the hard way. You dont need to.
Although
to Hermiones credit, she was a lot younger than Odyssia when she learned this
lesson. But shed resist saying it
to the younger woman. Go on
now. Go home. Get some sleep. Come back in the morning and redo this
report.
Maam,
thank you.
Go
on. Hermione waited till Odyssia
was out to study the Time-Turner.
She
should take it right to the vaults.
She should turn it in.
Right after her next meeting. That she didnt need to go to but would
hear about if she didnt show up.
Or the working group shed somehow been signed up for. Where she and her colleague from
Administrative seemed to be the only ones doing any work. Or the lunch she wouldnt get to eat
unless she grabbed something and ate it on the run, because her assistant had
booked her all the way through the day.
She
should do the right thing. Like she
did every day at this job. Every day at home.
Every day since theyd brought down Voldemort.
It
would be unthinkable to use it for her own pleasure.
She
put it in her drawer—she would take it to the vault tomorrow.
Shacklebolts assistant popped his head in. You have a moment?
I
was just going to the canteen.
I
just need you to give me some input for this. He smiled and sat down, and Hermione
felt the last few minutes before her meeting slipping away. Brilliant—her stomach would growl
all through the meeting, and shed get a headache from not eating.
When he finally left, it was time to head off to the meeting. She went to look for her assistant and
saw a note on her desk. Gone to
lunch.
She
very slowly went back into her office and closed the door, leaning against it
so no one else could come in.
It
would be wrong to use the Time-Turner to get lunch.
It
would be very wrong.
Except...maybe
just this once? She walked back to
her desk and took the Time-Turner out of the drawer. She heard a knock on her door and
ignored it. Whoever it was went
away.
She
slipped the Time-Turner over her head, walked to a corner of her office that
she never used, and turned the Time-Turner an hour back.
She
was standing in front of herself.
She—the other her—froze. Fortunately, she didnt reach for her
wand or anything as dire as the warnings for use of Time-Turners said.
You
probably want to check Odyssia Fronagles reports,
she told her only slightly younger self.
Just...a thought. Then she
walked out and tried to keep the time paradox headache that using a Time-Turner
always gave her at bay.
As
she left the building, she saw Harry with some men who looked like monks. She managed to weasel out of lunch with
him after they left him standing on the curb. Not that she didnt
enjoy lunch with Harry, but for now, she was determined to enjoy her
extra hour—all by herself.
Part Two
Harry
was just coming around the corner to get something for Molly when he saw Hermione
peek out of a door. A door that, as far as he knew, led to a closet.
She
saw him and immediately looked guilty.
Oh, Harry, yes, well, nice afternoon, isnt it?
He
walked over to her. What are you
up to? I know that expression. Its an Im up to something look.
Up
to something? Oh, dont be
silly. When do I have time to be up
to something?
She
tried to push past him; he didnt let her.
Whats
this? He touched the bit of gold
chain peeking under her collar.
A
necklace, Harry. Surely youve
heard of them? Again, she tried to
get past.
Youre
doing it again, arent you? He
grinned at her. There were times he
wished he had a Time-Turner to carve out an hour or two with Ginny—three
children definitely made it tough to schedule couple time. Does Ron know? Are you two sneaking back in time so you
can...well, you know?
At
her look, he realized that shagging was definitely not what she was getting up
to. Wait, Ron doesnt know?
No. And I prefer to keep it that way if you
dont mind.
Maybe
shagging was what she was up to?
Just, not with his best friend.
Are you hurting him?
Hurting
who?
Ron.
Why
would I hurt him? She pulled the Time-Turner
out and brandished it at him. Why
does this have to be about him at all?
Why cant anything be just for me?
He
took a step back.
She
immediately looked contrite. Im
sorry, Harry, but do you have any idea how tired I am of having people at me
day and night?
I
know its hard but maybe if you talked to Ron about it?
You
dont know if its hard. You dont
know anything about it. Its
just...Im sick to death of being at everyones disposal. You have no idea how tired of it I
am. Of how frightfully bored I am. She took a deep breath. Oh, God, I did not mean to say that.
He
led her to a window seat, sat down next to her. Youre not happy?
Thats
not what I said. I said I was
bored. She looked down, then met his eyes.
Hers were flat and hard. Harry,
I go to work, and then I come home and Im with Ron and the children. I do the same thing every day at the
same time in the same way. I have
no time for myself. No time to even
breathe. And I havent learned
anything new in I dont know how long.
You
learned how to be a mum.
I
babysat, Harry. I know thats terribly Muggley of me,
but during the summers, it was a way to earn some spending money. She sighed. So you see I was quite familiar with
the inner workings of a nappy long before I had Rose and Hugo.
He
wasnt sure what to say. As she put
the Time-Turner back under her blouse, he asked, So where do you go when you
use it?
Nowhere. I just go out in the fields. Get away and try spells. Or take a little nap where no one can
find me.
You
have all that time, and you dont go anywhere?
She
put her chin up. Why? Where would you go?
I
dont know. Paris,
maybe. Or Madrid.
Ive
been to both of those places.
Then
Tahiti.
Id
come back with a sunburn. I think
Ron would notice.
Then
Nepal. They have monks there who know
all kinds of magic—things they never taught us at Hogwarts. We could learn a thing or two.
We?
He
frowned. Did I say we?
You
did. Id rather you didnt say it
again. This is my time alone. Just for me. You understand that, right? Im not doing anything wrong. She looked almost panicked, and he
wondered just how unhappy she was.
All
right, Hermione.
She
got up, turned to look at him. The
panic had receded; the hard look was back, even though her voice was soft when
she said, Please dont tell Ron.
Or Ginny. Or—
I
wont tell anyone, Hermione. Dont
worry.
Thanks. She smiled tightly, then
walked away.
He
sat for a moment, wondering why hed said we. He heard footsteps on the stairs, and
Ginny came into view.
There
you are. Mums sent me to fetch
you. She said for you to never mind
on your errand. Does that make
sense?
He
nodded and held out his hand.
Ginny
walked over and took it. You
okay?
Sure.
She
smiled. Would you be better at
home?
No,
this is good. You know I love it
here.
Well,
from the look she was just wearing, Hermione doesnt. Although I think she likes the built-in
nanny she gets when she comes here.
Do
you think Hermiones unhappy?
No. I just think she doesnt like it here as
much as you and I do. She gave him
a guileless smile. Its harder to
be a daughter-in-law than a son-in-law, you know? Easy to never measure up if youre a
girl. Specially with my mum. She laughed. Hermiones good people, though, and mum
knows it.
Shes just going to be a bit particular because thats what she
does. Nothing but the best for her
boys.
What
about her girl? He pulled Ginny
close.
She
kissed the tip of his nose. Well,
I got you and youre one of her boys.
She frowned. Which in that
course of logic makes me your sister.
Forget I said that.
I
think thatd be best. He gave her
a quick kiss. Anyway, youre
right. I do love it here. Its the family I never had, the home I
always wanted.
And
dont you forget it, mister. Ginny
pulled him up and hugged him, then shooed him off downstairs.
##
Hermione
lay in bed with Ron, lying quietly after making love and listening to the rain
come down overhead, battering on the roof.
They were in their own house, in their own bed, with their kids tucked
in down the hall. No Molly to make
her feel not quite up to snuff. No
Ginny to remind her that motherhood was a wonderful thing. And several hours worth of time that
had been all hers, thanks to the Time-Turner.
It
had given her the rest she needed, made her actually smile when she saw Ron
waiting for her at the Ministry.
And now it was just the two of them. Enjoying each other.
Youve
been in a good mood lately, Ron said, as he played with her hair.
Have
I been so unbearable? She was more
interested than troubled at the idea—she knew she was in a better mood,
hadnt been sure if it was translating to him, though.
Look,
I know sometimes it gets wearing.
This life. The kids. Me, probably. His smile was sheepish. I know I make you mad and most of the time
I dont even know what Ive done.
The
kids are fine. Were fine. She
smiled and turned to cuddle into him.
And amazingly, Im not mad at you right now.
Well,
thats a relief.
She
sighed happily as he began to rub her shoulder.
Whats
this? He was fiddling with
something on her arm. Youve got a
weird scratch here.
Yeah,
caught myself on a bramble at the Burrow.
Trying a spell she shouldnt have.
Why
were you in the brambles?
She
chuckled. Well, clearly, I didnt
mean to be near them. I just lost
track and sort of got a bit too close.
Are you sure your brambles arent related to the Whomping
Willow?
Who
knows, eh? I would not put it past
George and Fred to have done something like that. He grew quiet, as he often did, when he
thought about his lost brother.
Im
sorry. I didnt mean to make you
sad.
Its
all right. Its been years, hasnt
it? Where did the time go?
I
know.
And
I can pretend all I want that hes not dead, thats he really on extended
holiday and will show up someday, but it wont make it so.
And
youll see Fred again. Harry said
they never really leave us.
Well
thats a bit disturbing considering what weve been up to just now. He made a funny face and she laughed.
I
do love you, Ron, she said as she kissed him. I dont say it enough, I dont think.
You
dont say it all the time and thats fine.
I had my fill of mushy with Lavender back at school. That whole Won-won thing.
She
didnt like to think of Lavender.
It still hurt. Even if maybe
it was better that hed had that, so he didnt have to wonder if what he had
with her was good and strong. And the right thing.
And that shed never, ever call him Won-won. But I say it enough?
You
do. He kissed her on the
forehead. Stop being such a
worrier.
Its
just, I love you. I love the
kids. I love our life. And it was true, on nights like this,
when shed had time to herself. It
was what kept her from surrendering the Time-Turner the way she knew she
should.
Me,
too. Alls well, then. He seemed to be having trouble keeping
his eyes open. I love you,
Hermione. I know I dont say it enough.
Then
he was gone. She sighed, wondering
why, after all these years, shed thought hed be able to hold a conversation
for very long after sex.
Good
sex. Sex they hadnt had in a
while. Sex theyd probably needed
long before this.
She
was afraid she had become unbearable—and that he was just too smart to
say so.
##
Harry
walked through the halls of the Ministry, pretending to be on nothing more than
a little clear the cobwebs stroll.
But he sped up when he finally reached Hermiones wing. He took a moment at the door, then knocked.
No
answer. Damn.
What
are you doing here, Harry? Ron had
his arm around Hermione; they looked like theyd just come in from the
outside. Something wrong?
Just
looking for you two. If by two he meant Hermione and her Time-Turner. He tried not to look guilty.
Well,
here we are. Beautiful
day out. You should go get
some fresh air. Does wonders for
the perspective. He grinned at
Hermione, and she gave him an impish smile back.
Harry
suddenly wondered what exactly theyd been up to in the great outdoors. He looked down, was about to come up
with a weak excuse for why he was there, when Hermione said, Actually, Harry,
now that youre here, I do have some questions for you. Regarding a case Im working on. She kissed Ron—a long kiss that
made Harry a little uncomfortable.
You understand, right?
Confidentiality. I understand. He winked at her and patted Harry on the
back and then left them alone.
Harry
waited until he was gone to say, I guess stealing time is good for a
marriage?
Its
good for me. Im happier, ergo our
marriage is happier. Not advanced
alchemy, Harry, just a simple fact.
What do you want?
I
need a break. I need to borrow the
Turner.
Youre
joking.
Im
not. When she shook her head, he
said, Would you want the rest of the Ministry knowing you had it?
Are
you blackmailing me? She moved
closer. Harry, this isnt like
you.
I
just feel left out.
Well,
yes, thats because you are left out.
But so, I might point out, is my husband. So really, I find myself caring a bit
less about your angst over this than how he might feel if he knew I was
spending significant amounts of time without him. She sighed. Youre happy with Ginny. I can tell because she cant hide a
thing and if she were worried about you, Id know. You love your children. I can tell that just by watching. What is there to be left out of?
Hermione. I spent my entire childhood afraid. He could see she wasnt following his
logic train. He wasnt sure it was
necessarily making much sense so he didnt blame her. Always afraid.
I
know.
And
Ive vowed that my children shall not live that life.
And
youre doing well on that promise.
Although I suppose it helps that the horrible dark wizard that made you
so afraid is dead and his followers are neutralized.
Hermione,
you said you were bored—well, I am, too. He started to pace. Yesterday, James fell out of a tree. And it was the worst thing ever. And I was...overcome with this need to
protect him.
Thats
called being a parent.
No. Not from trees or gravity or any such
thing. From me. From the kind of life I used to
lead. From the adventure, I miss—and
that I want back. I feel like Im
dying inside, like ever since Voldemort fell, a part of me has been leaking
away. Soon therell be nothing left
of me.
Of
you? Or of the life you hated while
you lived it?
Its
the same thing, isnt it? You were
there with me. When Ron left. You remember how lonely it was.
I
do. I remember how much we missed
them.
Right. But there was another part of me. That...liked it. That liked the freedom to be and do
whatever I wanted. I felt that no one
could get hurt when I was away like that on my own.
On
your own? What about me?
Youre
so strong. I never feared for you. I needed you.
This
is all because James fell out of a tree?
Well,
truthfully I think James might have been up to something. It wasnt actually our tree.
She
laughed. That boys a menace.
He
may take after my dad in more than just name. Harry sat down in the one of the chairs
that faced her desk. Look, I see
how youve changed in the last few months using it. I see how much more content you
are. And I want that.
Im
not giving you the Time-Turner.
Then
let me go with you. Ill leave you
alone, I promise, if solitude is what you seek. But I just need some time thats mine
and that wont put my family at risk.
At
risk? What do you plan to do with
this time?
He
took a deep breath. Get
stronger. Get smarter. Work at something?
Work? We revolutionized the Ministry or
havent you heard?
It
was archaic. Ready to change. On the cusp and Voldemort sent it
crashing over. We just picked up
the pieces. We didnt revolutionize
anything.
She
moved closer to him. Youre not
bored. Youre...insignificant.
He
looked away.
Harry,
you lived in a few years what most people dont achieve in a lifetime.
It
was as if the monks were back, telling him that his life had ended when he was
a child. And I want it back. I want to feel that thrill again. I want to do something, anything, that
will remind me of when I was the...
The
Chosen One?
He
didnt meet her eyes. It was not a
thing he wanted to admit.
Youre
the Chosen One in Ginnys eyes. In
your childrens—well, maybe not James so much, but Albus and Lily.
Why
wont you let me be part of this?
Find
your own thing. Why do you have to
take mine? She touched his cheek
and her look was sympathetic, but then she dropped her hand and went back to
her desk. I cant believe youve
forgotten how Ron reacted in the Forest?
When he thought we were together?
Can you imagine how hed feel if he found out we were running through
time together...without him?
Its
not like that. You and I, were
best friends.
Then
act like one. And go home to your
wife.
Part Three
Harry
watched as Hermione got up and said she was going for a walk. She lifted her hand to her neck, a little tell hed learned to spot. A tell that meant she was going to use
the Time-Turner.
He
handed Lily to Ginny and leaned over to give her a kiss. Im going to go check on her.
On
Hermione?
He
nodded. Heard she had a case go badly. Im worried shes obsessing. You know how she gets. And I have Shacklebolts
ear in case she needs something told up the chain.
She
smiled. Youre always thinking of
others.
He
gave her gamest smile he could.
Well, who wants a cranky Hermione around?
She
laughed and waved him off.
He
got to Hermione before she was out of sight of the house.
Harry,
weve been over this. She didnt
slow down.
I
just need half a day. All right?
Half
a day? For what?
He
took a deep breath and held out the business card that Tenzing had given
him. I want to go to Nepal. I need to find two monks.
Youve
got to be joking.
Look
its summer—there, too, I mean.
We could go and be back and not need to change clothes or anything. Or you could do whatever while I go
there.
Are
these the two I saw you with at the Ministry that day?
Yes. They had...I think they had
knowledge. It was cruel,
really. Using that against her when
learning was the thing she cared most about. Knowledge we dont have. Or maybe they dont really have it, but
I need to find out one way or the other.
Half
a day, Harry? And
at altitude. Well be
exhausted.
I
know a spell. We use it all the
time in the auror office when we have to work at altitude. Trust me, Hermione? All right?
She
didnt look convinced.
He
moved closer, put his hand on hers but didnt try to hold her. Just touched her, just connected—the way they used to. Hermione, this is important to me.
She
was lost. Just as shed always been
when hed needed her help. This is
against my better judgment.
He
smiled at her.
Just
do the bloody spell, already.
He
performed the spell. It did nothing
at sea level but once they hit the heights, theyd be glad of it—and it
lasted for months before it needed to be done again. He gestured to her bag. I trust you have everything else we
could possibly need in that.
She
glared at him. There was a time
you were very glad at what an efficient packer I am.
Thats
very true. He smiled at her. Please? Lets go. Lets have an adventure and learn
something no one else here knows.
Her
glare intensified, but then he could see her wavering. Finally, she slipped the Time-Turner out
and looped the chain over his head too.
Half
a day. We both go. If I think this
is bonkers, we dont go back.
Agreed. He nodded and gestured to the Time-Turner. Do it.
We
need to get over here. She led him
to a spot near an abandoned shed, clear of the house
from any angle someone might watch them.
She dialed the Time-Turner back a whole lot of turns and suddenly it was
much earlier in the day, when it had still been misty.
Ginny
and I would be just leaving to come to the Burrow.
Ron
and I, too. She gave him a hard
look. Now, how do you propose we
find your monks?
He
took out his wand and touched the business card, expecting it to unfold into
the lotus. Nothing happen. Accio Tenzing.
Nothing.
Accio Sonam.
Do
you have any idea how common those names probably are in Nepal? Or how far away they are—do you
expect a summoning charm to work?
Well,
they gave me this card. It must do
something. He studied his
wand. They called these crutches.
I
beg your pardon?
Right. But maybe. He put his wand away, gestured for her
to do the same. Take my hand.
As
soon as he felt her hand in his, he closed his eyes. The business card began to move on its
own in his hand, drawing his hand up and up, to rest finally on his forehead,
just between his eyebrows.
Harry,
its turned into a flower. It
smells so beautiful.
It
was the scent he remembered from the monks visit. He thought of them, pictured them, and
then disapparated, with Hermione in tow.
They apparated in the middle of a temple. Candles with some sort of liquid fuel
burned all over, leaving a greasy popcorn smell in the air, and monks sat cross legged on small mats, chanting softly. In the back of the temple, other monks
rang a medium-sized gong, and boys sounded bells, some deep, others tinkling
and light.
He
realized he in his walking shorts and Hermione in her summer frock were dressed
all wrong for the occasion.
So
you come. And you bring
another. A monk rose from a row
near the back of the temple, came closer, and Harry saw it was Tenzing. He smiled at the flower Harry still had
held to his forehead. You found
the third eye. Well done.
Hermione
was gazing around the temple and she said, There are women here.
Nuns,
yes. As well as
we monks. You are...?
She
blushed. Oh, yes, how rude of
me. Hermione Weasley.
I
am Tenzing. He looked at
Harry. Sonam is away. He will be sorry to have missed you.
Im
glad I found you. One of you,
anyway.
Come. Tenzing took their arms, led them out of
the temple and onto a patio that went right to the edge of the cliff, a row of
benches serving as a wall of sorts.
Below them was spread out a valley, and beyond that, the mountains.
Its
beautiful here. Hermione walked
right to the edge. A wonderful
place to worship.
Is
that what you think is going on in there? Tenzing asked.
Wasnt
it?
To
worship is to give praise and glory to a deity, is it not?
I
guess so.
Tenzing
smiled. We seek unity with the
source of all life. We seek harmony
with the many natures within us. We
seek mastery and balance. All that
we need can be found within ourselves, when we are as one with the Universal
power.
Bit
of a difference. Harry glanced at
Hermione, unsure what she thought of all that.
So
everything you need is inside you.
Sometimes
the newest pupils speak the greatest truths. Tenzing smiled widely, the expression
wrinkling his eyes and giving him a mischievous look.
Oh,
no. Its Harry who wants to study
with you. Im just here to be his
voice of reason.
If
you wish to believe that, then please continue with your self delusion. Again the dimpled grin.
Harry
could see Hermione was offended but also having a hard time resisting the charm
of Tenzings smile. Is it all
right that were here?
Its
all right with me. And with my
brothers and sisters. He took them
each by the arm, led them to a path that meandered down the mountain. What do you seek here, Harry?
Id
like to know more about what you said that day at the Ministry. About wands and our system.
Tenzing
looked serious. Do you know, my
children, that every time you raise a wand, I feel it?
Feel
it how?
You
rip and you tear and you force. You
work against nature and the Universe, in spite of the magic inside you. He looked at Harrys wand with distaste. If it would not be an affront to you,
Id throw it over the cliff.
It
would probably come back. A simple summoning
charm. Hermione made a sheepish
face.
You
learn your spells like they are alphabets or figures. Tailor them not at all to your own
special gifts.
Thats
not true. Hermiones eyes
blazed. Were all trained to be
our best.
Harry
winced. It was a Ministry motto,
and it sounded horribly mindless coming from her in this way.
Who
defines your best? And how do you
attain such a superlative and still have so much to learn? Tenzing smiled.
Do
you always just ask more questions?
Do
you have a problem with questions?
She
sighed and glared at Harry, who shrugged.
He was sort of enjoying watching her meet her match at arguing. Or non-arguing maybe was the better
term.
Hermione. It is a pretty name. Tenzing smiled. I know much of your...Western
philosophies. Your name is derived
from the Greek god Hermes. Ever changeable.
Ever quick. Ever thinking. Tenzing laughed. Also a thief.
Im
not a thief.
Would
you steal Harry from us? Would you
steal this chance to learn from yourself?
He stopped, put his hand on her shoulder. Because its up to you, isnt it? I know you control time with one of your
little toys. If you dont choose to come back here,
Harry wont either.
Harry
was about to protest that he could apparate on his own, but then realized
Tenzing was right: he needed the extra time, when hed be letting no one down
by taking it for himself. By being
selfish.
By having fun.
Weve
hardly started to see this place, he said into the silence between Hermione
and Tenzing. A
stiff silence on Hermiones part.
A peaceful silence from the monk, as if he could stand
there all day and not worry about anything. Lets give it a chance, eh, Hermione?
She
turned to look at him. He could see
she didnt like it here. That this
wasnt what shed wanted when shed taken the Time-Turner.
Please,
he said, as he took her hand. As he
stared into her eyes and tried to will her to feel how badly he needed
this. Please.
She
exhaled finally. A
slow, surrendering sigh.
Show me more.
##
Hermione
sank gratefully into Rons arms. It
had been a long day in Nepal, the third day shed spent with Harry and Tenzing,
talking about things that made no sense.
She should be smart and tell Harry they were getting nowhere, but she
saw how his eyes shone when he got to Nepal, and she was pretty sure hers
probably did, too. Even if hers was
as much in frustration with the endless non-answers of the monk as it was in
the awe and enjoyment Harry seemed to feel.
Have
you been to the cinema? Ron asked.
The
what?
You
smell like popcorn.
She
closed her eyes. Yak-butter
candles. Shed meant to take a
shower before she came back into real time. Stupid. So stupid.
Oh,
no, I popped into one is all. To
get out of the rain. It was
raining today, wasnt it?
Did
you get some?
Rain?
Popcorn.
Oh. No. She sighed. Do you always think of food, Ron?
Well,
yeah, generally. You know
that. He sniffed her hair. And theres a tinge of incense mixed in
with the butter smell.
Where
do we work, Ron? Theres always a tinge
of something.
Thats
true. I like the popcorn
smell. But its making me hungry.
Do
you want me to go wash it off?
No,
its a good hungry.
She
snuggled against him, thought of things Tenzing had said. Have you ever thought that our way of
doing magic is rather...aggressive?
Im
an auror. Aggressive is sort of the
name of the game. He pulled back
so he could look at her. What do
you mean, anyway?
Well,
its just... She
sighed. She wasnt sure what she
meant. Tenzing tended to talk in
riddles or answer in a round of endless questions, but it was clear he did not
like the magic that Hogwarts taught and the Ministry endorsed—and
enforced. Oh, never mind.
Today,
shed tried a stupefying charm on Tenzing.
Hed looked at her like he was very disappointed in her—even
though he was the one whod told her to try it—and just kept talking to
Harry. Harry of course had been
mortified. Shed had no idea how
Tenzing was still standing, much less talking.
It
was as if the spell had gone around him rather than onto him. Which was impossible. She was an impeccable spell caster.
Why
did you do that? Harry had asked her as theyd apparated back to an alley
outside the Ministry.
Well,
he told me to.
And
if he told you to jump off a bridge...?
She
rolled her eyes. I dont
know. Hes so...unbearably smug all
the time. He told me to, and I
guess I wanted to teach him a lesson.
Didnt work, so I dont know what youre so upset over.
Hes
my friend.
Your
friend? You only met him a few
months ago.
Well,
he could be my friend.
Someday. Maybe.
Youre
just embarrassed because I tried something you dont have the stones to try.
It
was rude, Hermione.
Hes
rude. With his constant dismissal
of our system, of our wands, of us.
Shed rolled her eyes again, mostly because she knew that drove Harry
batty. Where was he and his great
Universal One when we were fighting Voldemort?
He
hadnt had an answer for her. Hed
left her quickly, as if he couldnt get away from her fast enough.
She
had a feeling that if the Time-Turner had been in his hands instead of hers,
shed be persona non grata in Nepal
from here on out.
She
didnt care. Shed wanted to see if
Tenzing could put his all insufferable assurance where his mouth was. If she could bring him down. It had been...illuminating when she
hadnt been able to.
It
had been, quite frankly, disturbing, too.
Harry might have been more right than hed known. They didnt just have something to learn
from these monks: maybe they had everything
to learn from them. Tenzing had
deflected a spell with no wand, no words, and no apparent effort. A spell she was very, very good at.
Even
if things were awkward, she couldnt wait to get back.
##
Harry
sat staring out the window, as James and Albus played. He made the appropriate responses when
they showed him something new and exciting about their toys, but his head was
still in Nepal.
Tenzing
had resisted a stupefying charm.
How?
Actually,
resisted was probably the wrong word.
Hed more...ignored it. As
if he was exempt from the spell.
Next
time they went back, Harry would ask him how he did it.
He
wished, not for the first time, that the Time-Turner were his and not Hermiones. Hed been on the look-out
for one of his own, but didnt want to be too overt in his interest. He didnt want anyone at the Ministry to
know he was doing this.
It
wasnt for the job. Wasnt to save
anyone or help anyone—other than himself. It was the most selfish thing hed done
in ages, and yet it felt so good when he was in Nepal.
And
even though Hermione was annoying with her constant questioning of everything
Tenzing said and her skepticism, it was like old times to have her with him.
Old
times would include Ron, some part of himself seemed
to say. He pushed that part
down. It wasnt like what they were
doing was wrong, after all. They
werent cheating on Ron and Ginny.
He
heard a rustle and turned to see Ginny watching him. She was holding Lily.
You
were so far away, Harry. She
walked over, sat in the chair opposite him and put Lily down on the floor to
crawl. Youve been a little
distant.
Have
I?
She
nodded. I mean youre here. But your mind...?
There
are some things going on at work. I
cant talk about them.
But...theyve been weighing on me.
She
instantly looked sympathetic. I
know you hate sending others out in the field to do a job youre so good
at. Why dont you go back to being
an auror, not the head of them all?
It
doesnt work that way. He smiled
grimly at her. Ive been
chosen. And not like before when I
was the Chosen One. Chosen this
time for meetings and reports and everything else thats mindless and
brain-numbing.
Im
sure they wouldnt have chosen you for the job if they didnt have faith in
you. It was the kind of platitude
that used to make Harry feel better.
Now, it just made him sad.
Chosen to be a bureaucrat. Well
done, Harry! Way to excel.
He
sighed.
She
echoed his sigh, only hers sounded a trifle impatient, as well. Were all right? Arent we?
He
met her eyes. What?
Well,
its just you havent been exactly... She looked down, blushing. You never seem to want to...you just
fall right to sleep.
No,
Im just...tired. Living two days
in a day didnt leave him much energy for anything. But he hadnt realized hed been
neglecting her.
It
was ironic that Hermiones love life had seemed to improve while his would be circling
the drain if he werent careful.
Then again, Hermione had the damn Time-Turner at her disposal all the time. She could use the days they werent in
Nepal to take a nap if she wanted—she could take loads and loads of them
until she got all her energy back.
He was hostage to her willingness to go to Nepal, and because of that, he
used every minute she gave them.
Its
not like you to shower before you come home. She looked up. Your hair was wet today.
He
never exercised. Had always had the
kind of metabolism that just ran fast.
If he said hed gone to the gym, shed know it was a lie. Besides, it wasnt like he packed a gym
kit when he left for work.
I
needed to get away from the grind for a bit and you know how I lose myself in
warm water. Aurors have shower
facilities. That much was true;
hed used them today to wash away the yak-butter smell. Its...its one place Shacklebolt wont
bother me. Cowardly, I suppose, but
I just couldnt take being invited to one more impromptu meeting that would be
good for me to attend, but that Id spend the whole time wondering why hed
thought that. At least the rancor
in his voice was real. Shacklebolt
did say that, all the time. And the
meetings rarely seemed worthwhile.
Im
sorry.
He
held out his hand. Come here,
you.
She
got up and walked over, letting him pull her onto his lap.
Im sorry if Ive been distant. He kissed her. Made it a really good kiss.
Just
dont shut me out. You can tell me
anything.
He
smiled and nodded. He could tell
her anything. He could tell her
about the Time-Turner. About the trips to Nepal. About...about going with Hermione—and
that Ron didnt know either. Oh,
yes, brilliant. That would go over
well. But if he told her now, before
this went on any longer, it would be all right.
But
he had a feeling Hermione wouldnt forgive him for outing her precious time
away. And his trips to Nepal would
end.
And
he wasnt ready for that.
It
wasnt like they were doing anything wrong, after all.
Part Four
Hermione was surprised to see
another man with Tenzing. He looked
her over—the look wasnt offensive: he seemed to be taking her measure.
Do
I pass? she asked, unable to keep the brittleness out of her voice.
I
dont know. Do you? The monk smiled finally. I am Sonam. I will be taking over your instruction.
She
decided not to point out that so far instruction had consisted of a great
deal of pointless talking about things that were neither concrete nor
particularly useful.
As
Sonam led her away from Harry and Tenzing, she muttered, This is because of
that spell I did, isnt it? He
doesnt want to train me.
No,
this is because he thinks I am better suited to your energy. Sonam grinned, and the expression was
infectious. I, too, was rather
driven as a young man.
He
picked up a pack that was lying on a bench and led her around to the shade in
the back of the temple. Sit, he
said, pointing at the grass.
She
sat, cross legged as the monks seemed to prefer. The lotus position, Tenzing had called
it. She couldnt imagine her father
with his arthritic knees taking this pose, yet monks much older seemed
completely comfortable with it.
Maybe practice made perfect?
I
was not here when you came because I was on a search. Sonam laid out a square of silk from the
pack, then gently removed several objects. Three pairs of round spectacles, three
strands of prayer beads, and three different razors.
What
were you searching for? Hermione
could feel her questions coming easier with this man, her tone softening.
A
great teacher died several years ago and now we search for his new
incarnation.
But
he—
Or
she—
She
smiled. Or she, would be just a
child.
Yes. It is true. Old enough to make choices, too young to
easily deceive. The perfect age to
be sought.
She
stared at the items. And
these...?
Are
his. Our Momo
Rinpoches. Or one of each of these
is. He sat down next to her.
I
dont understand.
One
of the tests is to find the items that belonged to the previous
incarnation. It is how we assemble
the candidates for final selection.
The child will recognize his or her own possessions. Sometimes they laugh. Sometimes they cry. Always they know them. He met her eyes. The items that are his are loaded with
his essence. Try to determine which
are his.
She reached for her wand.
With
your mind. Not with that thing.
She
sighed. May I touch them?
Of
course.
She
picked up the nearest pair of glasses.
Round, metal—they looked remarkably like Harrys. Is this why you wanted us here? Because of Harry?
I
am looking for a child, Hermione, not a man. And those are reading glasses not the
kind of glasses Harry wears.
Rinpoche needed them in his last years. He smiled.
Im
not feeling anything.
May
I? he asked as he held his hand over hers. When she nodded, he settled his on
hers. Then he laughed. How they expect you to do anything when
you never clear the energy from your body is beyond me.
What?
You
build up so much magic inside. So much energy inside. And you use these inconsequential sticks
as focusing agents and for the most part trickle out your magic or blow it out
all at once. There is no
moderation. You are either full to the brim or depleted.
I
never feel depleted.
That
is because you have not felt whole in years, Hermione. You dont know what you feel.
And
what makes you such an expert on our system?
I
was a wizard, too. I know what it
feels like to summon that kind of power.
To slice and command and make war using the essence of
the Universe. Or the
miniscule part of it that the methods we are taught as wizards allow us to tap
into. He took her wand from her
belt, laid it behind her. It will
be fine there. No harm will come to
it. Now, please trust me to help
you find balance.
I
dont trust easily.
I
accept that. And I would not argue
that trust should be earned. But
tell me, from your gut--do I feel
evil?
She
looked down. No. You dont.
Then
close your eyes.
She
did as he said.
Now
imagine a road that leads from your third eye right here—he touched just
above the spot between her eyebrows—and your heart and your belly and
your inner fire. He didnt touch
those parts of her body, but she could imagine what each was. This road runs into the earth, pouring
out spent energy. Negativity. Anything that needs to go can run
directly into the earth.
She
nodded, afraid that speaking wasnt right.
Coming
back up the road, from the earth, from the planet that supports you, is
energy. Energy you have not
wrestled or tricked or called up by some spell. It is energy freely given. Clean and bright and ready to fill you
and bring you peace.
She
nodded again.
Breathe
through your nose, deeply, from your abdomen, not from your chest—you
will know you are doing it right if your shoulders do not move. And as you exhale, imagine all the
energy you dont need, energy thats been stuck inside you, draining out. And as you breathe in, imagine the clean
energy rushing into you, filling you, making you whole. Now, we shall do it together. Breathe.
She
tried to do as he said. For a
moment, nothing happened, but she could hear him breathing deeply next to her,
and she fell in sync with his rhythm, visualized as best she could the energy
like dirty dishwater running out of her into the ground. Saw the new energy pulled up into her,
shining like the sea when the sun caught it and turned it to liquid silver.
She
wasnt sure how long they sat there.
She only knew she was sorry when Sonam said, Now. Try to find Rinpoches items.
She
didnt open her eyes, just leaned in, imagining the items that were the ones
she needed to find were pulsing with the same energy shed just brought into
herself. But instead, all of them
pulsed with energy. She opened her
eyes. They looked normal, but she
could still feel the energy they emitted.
Find
the nuances, Sonam said softly.
She
looked deeper, ran her fingers through the air over the items, never
touching—trying not to force anything. Then she felt it. This set of beads, this razor, and this
pair of spectacles—they all felt the same. She pulled them out, set them in a pile
and looked at Sonam.
He
was smiling at her. Well done.
She
found herself blinking back tears she could not explain.
He
touched her hand. The first time—the
connection with the whole—it is overwhelming. I remember it well.
Its
not like anything Ive been taught.
No,
I agree. Its so...still inside
when you connect.
Yes.
Im used to magic being so...
Martial.
She
laughed. Yes. And a bit noisy. Often with smoke.
He
laughed. And bad smells.
Right. She put the items back in their
piles. Did you find the
incarnation of your...he was your friend, wasnt he?
He
was. And no, not
yet. But I will. Or one of my brothers or sisters will. And when they do, I will be honored to
teach them.
She
wondered at a system that believed in such things. What would Dumbledore come back as? Or Snape?
I
must report what I have seen on my search.
Will you be all right here?
She
nodded. This is the first time
Ive felt welcome here.
No,
dear one. This is the first time
youve welcomed being here. There
is a difference.
She
didnt argue. Just nodded and sat
in the shade, long after Sonam left her.
Soaking in the feeling of complete connection.
##
So
why did you pawn Hermione off on Sonam, Harry asked Tenzing.
He
will suit her better. I infuriate
her with the way I answer her questions.
You
answer with questions.
Precisely. Sonam is more direct. She will enjoy that, I think. Tenzing indicated they should walk to
the top of the path that circled around and behind the temple.
How
did you stop her stupefying charm?
I
didnt.
Harry
took a deep breath, from down low, where Tenzing said the true breath
lived. What had he been breathing
all these years, then? But it
didnt work on you.
It
sought a target. I failed to give
it one.
I
dont understand.
The
water in a bowl is made up of many water atoms, is it not?
Yes.
Can
you scoop up just one?
Of
course not, you get whatever amount of water will fill the scoop—and all
the atoms that make up that amount.
She
expected one atom that was my essence and everything else to be the rest of the
Universe. But when you are one with
all, then what will the spell seek?
Good
defense. Is it something you have
to work at?
Not
anymore. Ive been working at this
for decades. Tenzing smiled. This incarnation, anyway.
I...I
dont follow, sir.
When
you achieve oneness to any extent and sustain it over time, it becomes much
easier to not have to think about it.
So
Hermione and I couldnt do that?
Not
now. Maybe
someday. If you wanted to
dedicate yourself to study. He
turned to study Harry. But I can
help you with other things, Harry.
I can help you learn who you are.
I
know who I am. Im the Chosen One. He hated how bitter he sounded when he
said that.
Were. Were the Chosen One. Now...what are you now, Harry?
Harry
looked down.
It
is not a question to be answered in an afternoon. Or a month. Or possibly even a year. He stopped them before they hit the top
of the path. Lets sit here. We will practice the meditation Ive
been showing you. We will do a
round of mantras. He handed Harry
a strand of prayer beads. Count
off with this. Once we are done, we
will seek the stillness within.
Harry
quietly chanted Om Mani Padme Hum, counting off the mantras on the beads,
much like hed seen Catholics use a rosary to keep their place. Tenzing had told him there was no real
translation to the mantra, but through it, the monks captured everything there
was to capture about their faith.
Faith. Religion, in other
words. Not something Harry
had ever had much time for as a child.
Not something hed tried to make time for as an adult, apart from having
his children christened—at Ginnys insistence. He doubted hed have made that choice on
his own.
He
kept time with Tenzing, his accent changing the words a bit, and he tried to
make his pronunciation sound as much like the monks as he could.
Then,
once they finished, Harry tried to seek the stillness within, but the more he sought
the stillness, the more his mind fought back. Tenzing had told him this would
happen. To clear the mind did not
mean the mind would not resist. It
was a test of surrender to let the thoughts that popped up in the stillness
come and go without latching onto any one.
Finally,
he abandoned surrendering and stood.
Tenzing didnt seem to notice, so Harry went in search of Hermione,
eager to find out if she liked her time any better with Sonam than she had with
Tenzing.
He
really wanted her to like this. He
really needed her to like this so he
could keep coming back.
He
found her behind the temple, leaning back on her elbows, legs kicked out, staring up at the sky with the most relaxed expression
hed ever seen on her face. She
turned to him slowly, her smile languorous.
He
found himself staring. Hed never
really considered Hermione sexy.
Until now.
I
get it, she said, her voice husky, as if she hadnt talked in a long
time. I finally get it.
He
sat down next to her. Get what?
Why
you want to come back here. What
you feel. She studied him, as if
she could probe his mind with her eyes.
Its the connection, right?
The oneness?
He
found himself feeling a pang of envy.
So far the only oneness he had found was what other people were
experiencing. And he was the open
one, not her.
No?
she asked. She was always so perceptive.
No
oneness for me. He leaned over and brushed a stray strand of hair off her
cheek. Its time to go, I think.
She
looked at her watch. It is. She didnt get up, though. When we were in the Forest of Dean,
there were occasions when time would slow down and Id feel as if Id never
escape there. It was anything but
transcendent. But here... She smiled the
slow, almost sensual smile again.
I think we can learn a lot here.
I
think so, too.
She
pushed herself to her feet, hauled him up so quickly that he lost his balance
and had to hold onto her to steady himself.
Careful,
silly. She laughed. And the best part of today is no yak-butter
smell. She sighed as she looked
around. Soon it will be cold
here. Well need to stash some
winter gear places Ron and Ginny wont find them.
Right. He looked down,
suddenly uncomfortable with the idea of hiding more things from Ginny,
especially when he was noticing things he shouldnt, like
that Hermione was sexy.
Cant we tell them? Cant
we bring them here, too?
He
saw her oneness crash on the ground and die. Her expression was suddenly the tight
and angry one hed gotten used to her wearing. And then what? We could all share the Time-Turner? The whole point of this was so I could
have some time to myself. These
trips to Nepal werent even on the agenda. And now you want to tell them?
I
just...I just worry what theyll think if they find out. If we told them now, its still early
enough where things would blow over quickly.
Harry,
if it were just Ginny, then Id say yes.
But its Ron. And then its
the children. And then Molly will
want to come. And soon the entire, sodding Burrow will be in Nepal. Itll be Weasley East.
He
started to say something and she cut him off. This is mine, Harry. Do not
take it away. Shed moved closer, was in his face the way shed used to do at school, when she
was particularly impassioned about something.
He
nodded quickly and eased back.
Fine. I just thought...the
lying makes me uncomfortable.
Easy
fix, then. Stop coming. Stop lying. She walked away from him, to the front
of the temple, was standing looking over the view of the valley when he caught
up with her.
I
didnt mean to upset you.
No
one ever does, she said as she looped the chain over his head and apparated
them to the alley they used, then they walked into the Ministry, to the corner
of her office that she never went in except to Time-Turn, a corner that was now
hidden by a lovely ornate screen hed found at a second-hand store. A screen shed propped up in front of
where they usually appeared, in case anyone ever walked in while they were zapping
in or out.
Hermione,
Im sorry.
Dont
be sorry. Be careful. She stared pointedly at her door until
he took the hint and fled.
##
Hermione
was just finishing up her shower, claiming an overzealous walk through the
countryside around the Burrow to explain her need for a midday ablution to wash
away the yak-butter smell—it was getting too cold in Nepal to meditate
outside, so the last few times theyd gone, theyd come back reeking of
it—when she heard voices in the hallway. One voice angry: Ron. She tied her robe, turbaned her hair in
a towel, and opened the door.
Harry
was standing half in and half out of the doorway to his and Ginnys room. Ginny was sitting on the bed, a confused
look on her face. Ron was near the
room he shared with Hermione, and his face was red—the way it got when he
was truly angry.
Whats
going on? Hermione asked, jamming her hands in her pockets to hide her nerves.
He
stinks of popcorn, thats what.
Ron turned on her. Guess
you got to the shower first, eh?
Popcorn,
Ginny said softy.
Yeah. Only what I want to know is how theyre
getting to the cinema without us noticing them being gone.
Were
not going to the cinema, Ron. Dont
be daft. She tried to push past
him. Its a new spell, is all. Ive been
trying to perfect it. Its based on
something the monks in Nepal use, this...yak-butter thing. Anyway, I figured yak, cow, close enough and made my own cow-butter candles. But its stinky and I felt silly that I
wasnt getting the spell to work because its really easy—Ive been
working on it since the first time you asked me about that smell.
She
could see Harry staring at her as if he didnt know who she was.
She
ignored him and forged on. And
Harry found me trying a while back, and he thought he could do better because
he happened to have two monks shoved off on him by Shacklebolt at the Ministry,
so I let him try. But he didnt do
any better than I have. But Im
going to keep trying. Its just a
challenging spell is all.
Whats it do? Ginny asked softly.
Hermione
took a deep breath. It preserves a
flower. Not like we do, where we
freeze it in place or petrify it.
This...transmutes it. But it
comes back a flower. She gave
Harry a hard look. You still have
that one the monks gave you, yes?
He
pulled it out of his pocket.
Ron
took one look at it and sneered. Thats
a sodding business card, Hermione.
Not a flower.
Show
them, Harry. Her look dared him to
tell them the truth and she knew it was unfair. But she didnt care. Ron would think the worst if he knew
they were going off together. And
there was nothing wrong with it.
But if she told him the truth, hed want to come. And then—
Shes
lying, Ron. Harry held the flower
up to his forehead and it opened into a lotus. Yes, the flower does this, but thats
not what shes up to.
She
felt her face freeze. What was he
doing?
He
looked at Ginny, seemed to be pleading.
She has a Time-Turner.
Weve been going to Nepal to learn from the monks. Its...its amazing. And I dont think they would want me
lying. His pleading look was
turned on Hermione. I dont think
they would.
You
two. Going off alone for parts of
the day Gin and I cant even get to?
Ron sounded hurt and angry, the way he had that day hed left them
alone. Abandoned them because he
couldnt stand their friendship.
Hermione
took a deep breath. Its not like
that. I wanted some time to
myself. You know how hard I
work. And then
the kids. And...
And
me. Thats what you were going to
say, isnt it?
Yes,
Ron, and you. I needed some time to
myself. And I needed to learn
something new and be excited to use my mind again. Is that so wrong? And Harry stumbled in and had these
monks he wanted to visit, and I didnt even want to go, but he convinced me,
and theyre...amazing.
You
went with him. How is that being
alone?
Nothing
happened, Ron. Harry loves
Ginny. I love you. This wasnt even about you. Why are you acting like its a crime?
You
were sneaking around, Ginny said softly.
You couldnt tell us.
Thats usually a sign that maybe you shouldnt be doing it. She looked at Harry, and Hermione
couldnt tell if she was angry with him or pleased that hed squealed. And now its out. And you can just go
there if you need to. Quit stealing
time. Quit lying.
Harry
was nodding.
Hermione
walked up to him, gave him her most withering look. I hate you right now. She wanted to slap him, but she turned
and pushed past Ron, getting dressed quickly and grabbing the Time-Turner from
its hiding place.
She
ran downstairs and dialed it back just far enough, caught Harry before he hit
the stairs and pulled him into a darkened corner. Apparate to the Ministry. Shower. Get back here.
What?
Hear
that? She pointed up to where the
shower could be heard. Where she
was taking a shower right this very minute. If you go up, youll run into Ron. Youll smell like yak butter. Hell make a scene. And youll cave like some little
girl. I dont want that to
happen. Now go.
He
went. And didnt argue at
all—she was that mad.
She
waited out the few minutes, then hurried into the
bedroom, past a reading Ginny, past a Ron doing a puzzle in the paper. She heard Harry come in, heard him kiss
Ginny hello.
Ron
looked over at her. Hello
there. Good walk?
The
best. I love it here, Ron.
He
beamed and went back to his puzzle.
Disaster
averted.
She
caught up with Harry after dinner.
You weaseled on me.
I
didnt. But he didnt sound very
sure.
You
did. You damn well did.
Im
sure I had a good reason. But
youll just see them as excuses, wont you?
Reasons,
excuses—I dont care. Were
done. No more Nepal for you.
Youre
just going to stop going?
I
didnt say that.
Oh,
so you can go but I cant?
She
crossed her arms in front of her chest.
Ill
tell. You keep me away and Ill
tell.
You
did tell. Thats why Im doing
this.
Well,
well be more careful in the future.
He shook his head when she tried to make her face more resolved. Ill tell, I swear I will. And Ill do it in a way you cant wipe
from my mind. I know thats what youre
thinking.
I
could wipe you right here.
What
would Sonam think of that? He
seemed to know hed struck gold by the expression on her face. They want me there, Hermione. What makes you think theyll keep
training you if Im not in the picture?
Youre
not all that, Harry. Youre not the
Chosen One again.
I
know. But they like me. I dont know why, but they do. And Im supposed to be there. And you cant take that away from me.
Ill
just go without you.
Then
Ill apparate there myself. In real time. And tell Ginny and Ron why Im suddenly
never home and never at my job.
She
was stuck. And
all because she was being selfish.
But why shouldnt she be? Shed
given up her childhood to fighting evil.
To saving this world. Shed done an awful lot in the Ministry
since then as well. And she was a
good mother. Why shouldnt she be
selfish?
If
you ever betray me again that way, Ill wipe your memory so bad you wont even
remember Voldemort or Hogwarts.
You
wouldnt.
Just
try me.
Part Five
The
next day, Hermione found Sonam walking by himself outside the temple. Ron and Harry had gone fishing—an
activity she didnt even pretend to understand the attraction of—so she
knew it was unlikely shed be caught coming back from a solo trip to Nepal.
Although what if she was? What would Harry do?
Sonam
smiled at her, but his smile faded as she walked toward him. You are troubled. Also angry.
She
nodded. May we walk? When he nodded, she fell into step with
him. What do your beliefs say
about ruthlessness?
That
is a very broad question.
Well,
say, if a person knew that someone was going to find out something. Something that would upset the someone and cause a lot of hubbub over nothing. So say, the person took steps to make
sure that the event didnt happen.
Didnt
or wouldnt. He smiled. I was a wizard, Hermione, so I know the
difference. And you dont think you
are hiding your little toy from me, do you? He nodded with his chin at where the
Time-Turner chain made a slight mark in her shirt.
Ron—my
husband—found out Harry and I were coming here. I may have used this little toy to fix
that.
Sonam
frowned. You are not with Harry?
No. Hes married to Rons sister.
But
he brings you here, not her?
The
Time-Turners mine. I bring him
here.
He
nodded, as if trying to understand the various lines of connection. I dont understand why you need to turn
back time to come here.
She
looked down. What does your system
say about selfishness?
We
tend to emphasize selflessness. He
seemed to be thinking so she walked beside him in silence until he asked. Did you choose Harry for a reason?
No. He was the one who wanted to come
here. I had the Time-Turner before
he suggested it. I was using it to
carve out a little time for myself.
No work, no children, no Ron.
Just me. She sighed. And then Harry wanted to come here
and—
Forgive
me, but why didnt you just say no?
He
knows my weaknesses. He said the
magic word: learning.
Ah. He gestured for them to sit. Do you regret your actions?
Im
talking to you about them, arent I?
He
shrugged. That may be because I am
far away and unlikely to judge. Do
you regret your actions?
No. She met his eyes. Its possible Im not always a very
nice person.
I
believe that.
She
felt stung, looked away before he could see that she was affected by his words.
Nice
is not always the important thing, Hermione. Compassion is. Connection is. Right action is. The feeling of completion we get with
being in balance is. This is less
about what you are than what you choose to do.
Well,
I dont always do good things. I
kept an animagus in a jar for a week.
He
laughed. I hope the animagus chose a small animal to turn into. Or that it was a very large jar.
She
smiled. Beetle.
Why
did you do that?
She
was hurting people I love. She was
lying about them. I let her out
once she promised to make things right.
It
is indeed ruthless to do that.
Is
it wrong?
I
cannot tell you what is wrong and what is right, Hermione. You feel it in your gut or you
dont. You have a moral center or
you dont. And everyones is
different. I know what our
teachings say, but not everyone follows our teachings. And as the saying goes, there are many
roads up the mountain, but at the top, we all gaze on the same moon.
The
moon being God.
If
you will.
She
thought he might say more but he fell silent. Finally, she said, My husband was angry
with me. He thought, at first, that
I was cheating on him with Harry.
But I think it hurt him worse that I wasnt. That I just didnt want to include him
in this. She ran her hand over the
scraggly grass. But I changed
that—so he wasnt hurt. I
went back and made it right.
You
went back and made it better for yourself.
That may not be making it right.
I
thought you said you couldnt say what was right and what was wrong.
He
sighed. You are too quick
witted. You use your mind to wiggle
out of arguments rather than accept the words for what they are.
And
what are they?
When
you deprive another of free will—when you change the destiny of another
with magic—you are at odds with the One. He met her eyes and his were hard. That much is certain. Everyone has the right to their own
path.
We
all have interference. People who
come in and change our path. If you
hadnt given Harry the lotus card, you and I would not be talking now.
Who
did we hurt when we gave him that card?
His eyes softened. Who did
you hurt when you took away your husbands reality and replaced it with
another.
I
took away the hurt.
You
made him forget the hurt. The
resonance of the hurt still rings if you have the ears to hear it.
I
made it so it never happened. Its
different. I can make someone
forget, too—wipe their mind, I mean. But this was just...replacing an
unpleasant scene with a more palatable one. For everyone.
Palatable
for whom? And are you living your
life? Or writing scenes that can be
edited and remade?
What if I am? Rewrites are good;
we learned that in English.
We
earn enough karma with one life, one series of actions and consequences. Do you really want to call down more?
So
youre saying Ill be judged? She
lifted her chin. Well, have at it,
then. Judge away. Ive done enough good in this world to
balance out a few convenient sins.
He
took a deep breath. Too many
convenient sins can become a habit.
And habits become life choices.
And eventually, you arrive at something of consequence, where the scales
will not balance out.
With
Voldemort at one end, the scales will always balance out.
Our
ancient Egyptian brothers said that our souls were measured against not demons
and evil, but a feather. Would
yours be as light?
She
had no answer for him.
He
stood. Stay here as long as you
wish, Hermione. Seek your own
answers. You came here today for a
reason. Figure out what it is.
But
you wont help me?
I
have new monks. Children,
just arrived to the temple. They
need me more than you do. He
touched her shoulder. You have
everything you need within you. If
you just recognize it.
Easy for you to say.
He
smiled and left her alone. She
stayed on the grass for a long time, despite the gathering cold. She wasnt sure she found any insight,
but at least here she had peace.
##
Harry
was working when he heard a light knock on his door. Come in.
Hermione
peeked in. She
looked...unsure. Got a moment?
Sure. He gestured to one of the chairs in
front of his desk but she walked over to the window, stared out.
You
have a better view. She didnt
sound envious; she didnt really sound anything.
Guess
they like aurors better than lawyers?
Who
doesnt? She sighed. Things arent good between us right
now, are they?
Well,
you threatened to wipe my memory if I step wrong. So no, they arent gumdrops and
rainbows.
Gumdrops
will pull out your dental work.
She smiled, a very bitter smile.
My father used to say that.
When Id ask for them. She
turned to him. Theyve never
forgiven me for taking their memories away.
Sure
they have. You spent Easter with
them.
And
it was....awkward. If it hadnt been for the grandkids for
them to coo over...
She walked over and sat down in the chair hed indicated. They dont trust me. Theyre right not to.
So
I shouldnt trust you, either?
Thats
not what I meant. I...I tend to
dictate things. Terms
and such. My way or the
highway. She smiled
sheepishly. Bossy little thing. I know thats whats said.
I
dont say that.
No,
not now. But you used to. Everyone did. Its all right. I know that. But now Im not little. Now Im grown up but Im... She took a
deep breath, seemed to be trying to center herself the way Tenzing had shown
him. We never had a childhood,
Harry. Not a proper one. We went right from fighting evil to
being grownups. Parents. Wives and husbands. When Im in Nepal, I feel young in a way
I never did when were truly young.
And I feel...
Free. He met her eyes. I know. I do, too.
Then
why did you tell Ginny about us?
I
didnt.
You
did, in that other reality. You
told her and Ron all about us. And
you made it my fault. When you were
the one who wanted to go there. You
were the one that made this ours and not mine.
Im
sorry. I promise I wont do it
again.
You
dont know that. We think we wont
do things over the way did them before, but then we do. They become habits. Her smile was strange, as if she was
very far away. Youre honest,
Harry. Or youre terrible under
pressure when its people you love who are mad at you. Im not sure which.
I
couldnt lie to Slughorn, either. When Dumbledore wanted me to get the
true memory about Tom Riddle for the pensieve.
She
laughed. So, youre honest.
I
think its possible Im just a bad actor.
I...panic. Freeze and then
blurt?
She
laughed again.
Can
I ask you something, Hermione?
She
nodded.
Why
dont you want Ron there? Why
didnt you bring him and Ginny along once you knew youd be stuck with me? I mean your alone time was bust.
But
it wasnt. I knew you wouldnt tell
them. She rolled her eyes. Well, I thought you wouldnt tell
them. So the rest of the time, when
we werent in Nepal, really was mine.
Are
you that unhappy with Ron?
No.
Okay,
let me rephrase, clever girl. Are
you happy with Ron?
Youve
been hanging about the monks too much.
He
gave her a hard look. Thats not
an answer.
If
I have my time—my
time—then I am.
He
wasnt sure Ron would say the same.
His friend seemed happy with Hermione. Happy with his life. No extra time needed.
And
what if it got taken away—your time, I mean?
Lets
not find out. She got up and
walked away but stopped and turned just before the door. Sonam thought you and I were together.
Together together?
She
nodded. Does Tenzing think that?
I
dont know. Hes never said
anything. Why? Does that bother you? That they think were together?
She
gave him an odd look. No,
Harry. It actually doesnt.
##
Harry
sat inside the temple with Tenzing, in a part of the back portion that held
private rooms for some of the more senior monks. They drank yak-butter tea and sat on
mats that barely kept the cold of the floor away.
The
he heard a hissing. He froze for a
moment, imagining Nagini. He turned slowly,
saw that the snake was small and orange.
They
are rare. Not
very aggressive. And their
venom has interesting properties.
Tenzing watched the snake move across the floor. Is it true you can speak to them?
Not
anymore. Harry shuddered. Which Im glad of. Since theyre symbols of evil.
Tenzing
laughed. Are they now?
Well,
Slytherins being that way.
The
monk actually rolled his eyes.
Your biases are so pervasive.
Are you familiar with the four elements, Harry?
Of
course. You cant do magic without
understanding them and the fifth element: spirit.
Your
houses in your wizarding school, there are four of
them, correct?
Harry
nodded.
And
each has its own set of strengths and weaknesses.
Well,
I guess thats how it started.
You
guess? You were what house?
Gryffindor. The lion.
Ah,
brave and stalwart.
Harry
nodded. Much better than a snake.
Do
you know, Harry, that snakes only strike to hunt food or protect
themselves. But lions will kill for
fun. As if to give weight to
Tenzings word, the little orange snake slithered past Harry as if he wasnt
there and disappeared out the open window.
You find solace in things light and sunny, and you fear the
darkness. But Harry, the darkness
is intrinsic to two of the elements: Earth and Water. Half of your schools students will find
themselves stronger in the night, in the dark, under the light of the moon, not
the sun. And they are not evil for
it. They are merely as they were
designed to be.
Slytherin and Hufflepuff.
Exactly.
I
was almost sorted into Slytherin.
Almost?
I
wanted to be Gryffindor. Its what
my parents were.
Yes,
of course you did. And your
teachers, for the most part, favored Gryffindor and Ravenclaw,
isnt that so? Fire and Air being
so much more dynamic, so much more...open and easier to champion. Tenzing sighed.
Harry
actually didnt remember Ravenclaw being
favored. It was mainly Gryffindor,
if he was honest.
Open
does not equal good, Harry. Great cruelty has been done by open and gallant men. And great honor earned by those who
skulk in the shadows.
Harry
couldnt help but see Snape in the description, but hed be damned if hed
include all the Slytherins in his good will. You see things so differently.
I
just see them how they are. There
is duality in all things. For every
element that emits, there is another that draws in. It is the way of thing. Neither is right or wrong at the basic
level. Both are as they should
be. If you fail to see this, you
will fail to see those who truly rise above—and those who sink far below. In your job, that latter part is
important.
Yes. It is. Or used to be. I dont really do much anymore.
You
are bored in your current position?
God,
yes. He stretched his legs out,
tired of sitting cross legged. Hermione told me not to take the
promotion. Ron,
too. But Ginny had
sacrificed enough with me running all over—and then with the kids. Harry remembered what Hermione had told
him. You know Im not with
Hermione, right?
Youre
not?
No. Why would you think that?
You
bicker like a long-married couple.
Harry
laughed. Weve always done that. Shes the annoying sister I never had.
May
I make an observation? A bored man
who sneaks away to a mountain hideaway with someone who is not his
wife—and not his sister, either, no matter what you say—is asking
for trouble. Your wife will not
take kindly to the truth if she finds out.
Were
not doing anything wrong.
Ah, so you have told her?
Should
he say he had told her, up until Hermione turned everything upside down with a
twirl of the Time-Turner? Probably not.
No, Ive not told her.
This
is your secret. Yours and
Hermiones?
Harry
nodded.
If
you are going to juggle torches, you will eventually get burned.
Im
a horrible juggler. So were
fine. Id never attempt to juggle
torches.
Tenzing
smiled slightly. You know what I
mean.
I
do. But Hermione will kill me and
never bring me back here if I squeal.
So I wont tell.
As
you wish. Tenzing looked a little
disappointed in him but poured him another cup of the yak-butter tea and
changed the subject to things less personal.
Part Six
Sonam
was out on his search again, so Hermione sat with Harry and Tenzing. May I ask you something, sir?
Tenzing
nodded.
How
did you evade my stupefying charm?
He
smiled. I just did.
She
sighed—after working with Sonam she could honestly say she did not miss Tenzings
non-answers. Can anyone do it?
He
thought about that. There are
several other monks here that probably could.
Sonam?
He
smiled. I do not believe he has
ever tried.
She
knew she had a calculating look on her face, when he added, I would not
suggest you be the first to put him to the test.
She
smiled sheepishly. Right.
Will
you try something for me, Hermione?
She nodded, then realized shed normally have asked a
hundred questions before agreeing to a blanket request like that.
Take
out your wand.
She
did and held it out to him.
No,
I want you to keep it. What do you
feel when you hold it. Compared to
what you feel when you put it down.
I
feel powerless when I put it down.
He
smiled gently. I mean what do you
feel from the wand itself?
She
frowned. Wasnt that the same
thing?
Harry,
give Hermione your wand.
He
passed her his wand. She held it in
her left hand, her own wand in her right.
Close
your eyes, center, and tell me what you feel. Take your time. I believe this will be illuminating.
She
closed her eyes and did take her time, centering and breathing the way Sonam
had taught her. Then she turned her
focus on the wands.
She
felt Harry in his wand. The essence
of him seemed deeply etched in it, but when she reached for it with her mind,
it fled like quicksilver. No matter
how she tried, she could not capture his essence.
You
are frowning.
Its
just...I feel Harry. On his wand. But
when I try to reach for it...
Smoke
and mirrors, child. See the
illusion for what it is. Accept it
and look deeper.
She
tried. She managed to make the
essence of Harry still and move over to the side of her consciousness. She went deeper into the wand, expecting
to find the spirit theyd been told lived there.
Nothing. Even the phoenix wing inside was quiet.
I
dont understand. The inside is... She opened her
eyes, saw Tenzing looking at her with sympathy.
A
fallen feather from a bird. Inside
a piece of wood. He took the wands
from her. Hermione, you were born
of non-magical parents, were you not?
Muggles.
Such
an ugly word. At any rate, you had
no magical teaching growing up, correct?
Not
until Hogwarts.
Then
she made up for lost time, Harry said with a wry smile.
There
is no lineage backing up your skills.
No bloodline to fall back on.
Everything you posses in the way of magical talent, Hermione, is inside you. It is yours and yours alone. It was
innate and then you learned more.
She nodded.
And
you learned what they wanted you to learn.
Like that these—he held up her wand—were actually
necessary.
I
dont understand.
Have
you ever used a keyboard?
Of
course.
Do
you know why the letters are placed as they are?
Because
it made sense.
No,
my dear, it was because the keys in the old manual machines would stick if a
typist went too fast. So they
organized the keys in the way best suited to slow someone down. Planned inefficiency. He held up the wand. This thing takes all the power that is
inside you and focuses it down.
Its as if you had a huge irrigation canal and chose to disperse the
water with an eye dropper. He
dropped the wand in the grass. You
are better than that.
Teach
me. It was out before she could
even think. She looked at
Harry. He should teach us
this. We should know this.
He
swallowed hard. The wands are
powerful.
And
you are even more powerful, Tenzing said, his voice so soft Hermione had to
strain to hear it. And no one,
Harry, no one can ever disarm your magic if its inside you. If you recognize that and embrace it.
Its
not how things are done. The Ministry...
Youve
not told the Ministry you come here, have you? Why not?
Harry
looked down.
Tenzing
looked at her. Why have you not,
Hermione?
Oh,
well, Im sneaking off to get some time away from my husband. She held a hand up. Sonams given
me the lecture so you can forget it.
Its not about being with Harry.
Its about having some time for myself. See, a few months with you and Im just
bursting with self awareness.
Tenzing smiled and turned back to Harry.
Why do you come here?
Because
I feel good when Im here. I feel
free. He looked down. But Im just dabbling, arent I? Back at the Ministry? This is why you gave me the card. So Id learn magic your way.
Its
not my way, Harry. Its not anyones way. The magic is inside you and always has
been, no matter how much theyve tried to control you and mold you into a
proper unquestioning soldier for them.
Hermione could feel herself bristling.
Were not all soldiers.
He
turned to her with a pitying glance.
Yes, you are. These wands
are like swords. You commit
violence every time you use them.
They dont just limit you, they shape the power into
something...offensive.
Were
not evil, she said, crossing her arms over her chest.
No
youre not. But you are selfish
enough to be here, to learn this, and not care about the consequences. Youre curious and smart enough to break
free from the restraints youve lived under. He turned to Harry. Youre brave enough to try a new way.
He
swallowed hard. Im lying to my wife.
Hermione
stared at him. This
again? Oh for Gods sake,
Harry.
No,
let him continue. This is important. This goes to who he is.
She
met Tenzings eyes. Saw that he did
not believe she possessed similar qualms in her character. Fine. Let him go back. Let him give up. I dont care because I want to learn.
I
didnt say I wanted to go back.
Harry sighed. I just wish
Ginny and Ron could be here.
Hermione
felt pushed in a corner. She closed
her eyes, took a deep breath.
Weve been over this.
Harry
scowled at her. Yes, you make the
rules because you have the Time-Turner.
If
its such a hardship being here with me, then when we get back, you can forget
about coming with me and—she had to hold up her hand when he was about
to protest—and find a way that will get you back here with her and
without betraying me to Ron. Because I dont want to share this with him. I need something thats just mine. Thats not...ours. She hated the
spin shed put on the word and looked down.
If
youre so unhappy with him, Harry asked, why dont you leave him?
Im
not unhappy. I just have found a
way—this, Nepal, learning something again—to be happier with
him. Hes fine. Hes even happier now than he was when I
was discontent. So leave it alone,
Harry. I dont want to talk about
this anymore.
May
I ask you an important question, Hermione? Tenzing asked.
She nodded.
Do
you come here so you can be alone with Harry?
She
stared at him. With..?. You
mean...?
He
nodded.
No. Hes like a brother to me.
I
am sort of your brother, since we married siblings.
Right. That. No. She shrugged,
annoyed that Tenzing would even ask.
Tenzing just waited, looked as if he could wait for hours, days even.
I
think I need a break, Harry said into the silence. I dont mean because of that question. I just...Im just not sure I want this...not
this way.
Tenzing
nodded, as if hed expected nothing different. You are welcome whenever you want to
come back.
Harry
looked at her. Take us home?
Tenzing
handed her the wands. In her mind,
she heard his voice, Come back when you have taken him home. You still have time, I presume?
She
nodded ever so slightly.
Come
back, then. I have a new study
partner for you.
She
frowned.
Hermione,
lets go.
She
got up and gave Harry his wand, then slipped the chain over his head and apparated
them back to the alley. She waited
till he was safely in the Ministry, then headed back
to the temple. Tenzing was waiting.
Come.
Why
do I need a new study partner?
Youll
see.
She
rolled her eyes but followed him inside, to a part of the temple shed never
been to before. It had small rooms,
barely closet sized.
Outsiders
who come seeking are lodged here.
Some are not in the best shape when they arrive. He was one such.
He?
Tenzing
knocked softly. A scratchy voice
answered. Come in.
She
walked in after Tenzing, had to grab the wall for support. But...youre dead.
Clearly
I am not, Miss Granger.
But...how?
That...that
is an interesting story. And my
voice is not what it once was, although it grows stronger. Perhaps later? Snape was sitting on a mat like the
monks did. He was wearing clothing
not unlike what the other monks wore; he looked less sallow in the saffron and
maroon than he ever had in black.
He turned to Tenzing. Why
did you bring her to me?
Because
I deem it best. And she has lost
her study partner.
Weasley?
he asked with a bit of a sneer.
Harry,
she said.
Oh,
thats how it is, is it? He was
definitely smirking.
No
its not bloody well how it is, she said, her hands on her hips and her dander
up the way it hadnt been in quite a while. She took a deep breath, said it with
more decorum. I mean...no. Its not like that.
I
see.
Tenzing
smiled. I did not mean to
interrupt your meditations, Severus.
I will tell Sonam that you and Hermione will begin studying together. Or I will teach the two of you if he is
still out on search.
Snape
looked doubtful.
Hermione
frowned. But, how long has he been
here? Shouldnt he be far more
advanced? She was used to him
being the teacher, not a fellow student.
It
took him some time to find his way here.
I
had to recover from that blasted snake.
You try coming back from a punctured throat, Miss Granger. And then there were the Death Eaters,
what remained of them at any rate, intent on making my life a living
hell—or ending it quickly—if they found me. I came here when it was safe to come
here. He met her eyes; his were
surprisingly soft and very far away.
I came here when I was supposed to come here.
I
dont understand.
Give
it time. Tenzing seemed to find
that statement funny. You should
go home now, Hermione. Think about
what you want. Perhaps, like Harry,
you too need a holiday from this?
From learning? From
freedom? Hardly. She looked at Snape, defied him to say
one sarcastic thing.
He
wisely did not.
She
half waved at him, unsure what the proper gesture was for saying goodbye to someone
whod risen from the dead. I guess Ill see you later.
I
will try to press on until that moment.
The sarcasm was in full swing.
She raised an eyebrow: a perfect imitation of how he used to do it, and turned
around and left.
Tenzing
was smiling as he walked her out.
You did not expect this.
He
was dead. Why would I expect it?
She sighed.
You
will come back?
She
met his eyes. What is the right
thing to do?
Only
you can say.
Is
there ever a time you arent vague?
Yes. He smiled, a deeply amused but not
mean-spirited smile.
It
was all up to her if she wanted to continue. Ill come back, she finally said. Harry wouldnt and now a man she once
despised would be her new partner.
Nothing was what she expected.
This
was all so perplexing—if not also a little liberating.
##
Harry
found Hermione walking in the fields outside the Burrow. Her head was down and she was walking
fast, hunched over a bit the way she used to, when she was carrying books and
trying to get to class and figuring out a problem all at once. It made him nostalgic suddenly for
Hogwarts. For
when life was, if not easy, at least straightforward. Stop Voldemort. Dont let Voldemort kill you. Easy to understand. No moral gray issues.
She
looked up at him with a wary look.
He
smiled, tried to put her at ease.
Im not here to cause trouble.
I just...I wanted to explain why I needed a break.
She
smiled suddenly, and he felt himself relax. I know why you needed a break,
Harry. She laid her hand on his
arm. Youre a good husband.
When
this started, I was so bored at the Ministry. I thought I wanted it back. The adventure. The...freedom. But I dont. Not enough to lie for it.
I
understand. She looked a bit stung,
though, because what he knew he was saying, even
though he hated it, was that she was willing to lie for it. I need to learn.
Its
more than that, Hermione. Youre
not happy.
I
am.
No,
youre not happy, and you think saying youre not unhappy is the same thing,
but its not. The most you can hope
for is neutral by that logic. And
if you have to lie and sneak just to get to neutral, well then I think you need
to make a change. He took a deep
breath. Ron deserves better than
half a wife.
Im
entirely a wife. I give him a full
day, Harry.
But
how much more of a day do you have to steal for yourself? And how long can you keep using the
Time-Turner before you get snappy like you did before? Its not good for you. And it ages you.
Thats
not been proven. No ones ever gone
back far enough for it to be proven.
Or
they did and died on the way back.
She
made a face. Well, if you see me
getting all pruney, do let me know. She turned to go.
He
stopped her. Hermione, Im
serious. You need to find what
makes you happy. I think right now
the only thing that does is Nepal and the children. I dont think you particularly like your
job. And...and I dont think you particularly like Ron.
Are
you mad? How long have I been
married to him?
I
know you love him, Hermione. But do
you like him? What we have, thats like.
Thats friendship. I dont
think we could be more than like, frankly.
With him you can be a lover, but are you really his friend? He drives you nuts, and you—
And
I what? What has he said?
Nothing.
Harry?
He
took a deep breath. Just the
normal complaints, the same as from the day we met you. Youre bossy. Youre picky. Youre a perfectionist. You try so hard and you achieve so much
that you make him feel...
Make
him feel what?
Stupid.
Hes
not stupid. He just doesnt apply
himself. She crossed her arms over
her chest, her expression tight.
And hes not always that nice to me. But weve worked past that.
Have
you? Or have you just swept it
under the rug for Rose and Hugos sake?
She
looked down. I need Nepal. If this is your way of telling me youre
going to tell him—
I
told you: Im not here to make trouble.
I just wish youd open your eyes.
If you were happy, you wouldnt need Nepal.
Her
expression changed, and he could almost see the gears turning, her tack
changing. Harry, what we can learn
there--I cant believe youd give this up.
Not forever.
Im
not like you, Hermione. Youre
quick and you really care about learning, I know that. But Im not sure I do. I mean not more than I know now. Im good at what I do. Im good at this system. Tenzing said I needed to find out who I
am. And I think I have. And maybe its a little bit dull. But Im all right with that.
Youd
rather be a big power in a small pond?
They can give us the Universe, if we just open our minds. Im sure of it.
He
nodded. Im sure of it, too. But this is enough for me. What I have is enough.
Wheres
that Gryffindor spirit, Harry? She
seemed to be on the verge of tears.
Or are you saying I really should have been a Ravenclaw? Intellect over honor?
Ill
tell you something: the sorting hat wanted to put me in Slytherin.
Her
anger seemed to fade.
I
wanted Gryffindor. I convinced
it. Just like you did. And why? Because I didnt want
to be like them. I did want
to be noble and honorable. He shook
his head. I guess I still
do. He pulled her in for a quick
hug then backed away. Ginny and I
are going on holiday. Bermuda. Just the two of us. We need to reconnect.
She
smiled gently. Im happy for you.
I
hate leaving you alone in Nepal, though.
I
wont be alone. She gave him a
strange look.
Right. Sonam—and Tenzing if hes not
there. And you seem to be getting
on better with Tenzing.
Were
right as rain. She patted his
arm. Have fun in Bermuda. Then she walked away.
He hurried back to the house, found
Ginny fussing over Lily.
She
gave him a sheepish look. Its the
first time weve left her.
Mollys
a pro at this.
I
know. Its silly. But shes my baby girl.
He
pulled her to him and kissed her.
Its not silly at all. I
love you.
She
smiled, the warm and genuine smile hed first fallen for. I love you, too.
##
Snape
heard footsteps coming down the hall toward his room. There was the unmistakable clack of high
heels. Then a
knock.
He
got up from the small bed and walked over to the door, pulling it open.
Hermione
Granger stood in front of him. In a business suit of all things. And high heels as hed suspected.
Lost
your casual wear?
I
came from work. She seemed intent
on staring him down.
What
are you doing?
One
thing we need to get straight: you dont get to boss me around. Youre not my teacher anymore.
I
am well aware of that.
All
right, then. Lets get to it. Tenzings waiting for us. She walked off, and he did not try to
keep up.
He
could tell by the look Tenzing gave her that she did not usually wear a
business suit to see him.
I
do hope theres no lotus position, Miss Granger. That skirt is probably not the thing for
it. Wore it to show me how grown up
you are now, did you?
Tenzing
seemed to be trying not to laugh.
Granger
turned to him. I want it on record
that I am opposed to this study partnership.
Snape
chuckled. It came out meaner then
he meant. There is no record, Miss
Granger. Were at a Buddhist temple. They dont keep records of you and me.
Oh,
for goodness sakes, Snape, call me Hermione. Or I wont do this.
Are
we ready? Tenzing asked, his eyes crinkling with mirth.
Yes. Snape turned to her, gave her a mocking
bow. Hermione, are you ready to begin?
I
am. She sat,
rather gracefully for someone trying not to expose anything they shouldnt in a
skirt not made for crossed legs, and turned to him. Did you know that wands limit us?
So
it would appear.
Thats
not an answer. Thats just
sarcasm. Did you have any idea of
this fact before you came here?
Her face was stony but not the bratty anger he was used to. More just...serious. Had this trying girl actually grown up?
No. I didnt.
Good. Me, either. Tenzing, were ready. She gave Snape a smile he couldnt read
and turned back to the monk.
It
might be easier for you two to learn together if there were more...harmony
between you. I propose a breath
exercise. Severus, if you will move
so you are facing Hermione, we can begin.
Snape
moved and left a good amount of space between them.
Knees
touching.
Snape
moved in closer. I apologize if
this is uncomfortable.
No
need.
Tenzing
stood. Now, lift your hands, palms
toward the other person and bring them together. This creates a circle of energy between
the two of you. A circuit you can
use to become balanced with each other.
He
found it difficult to look at her, and he heard Granger say, Can we close our
eyes? The professor seems to find
the sight of me repugnant.
Ah,
the brat resurfaces. I was merely trying
to make this less uncomfortable for you.
I find nothing wrong with your appearance. In fact, if he were to tell the truth,
shed grown up quite nicely. Not a
beauty but full of the kind of energy that radiated strength and intelligence.
Oh,
well, thanks ever so. Her words
were snotty; her tone wasnt.
Are
you two finished?
Yes. She sounded somewhat contrite. Sorry.
Close
your eyes. Now, breathe the way
weve taught you. Make it as silent
as you can. Do this until I speak
again.
Snape
felt the familiar peace fill him as he let the prana, the vital life force
Tenzing had taught him about, surge in with each breath and rush back out into
the Universe with each exhale. He
failed to lose himself the way he normally did, though. He was too aware of Grangers palms
pressing against his. Of her knees
pushing on his.
Now,
breathe together. Find the rhythm
of the other. Find the breath that
feels complete for both. Without words.
Sense it. Feel it. Know it.
Snape
fought his inner editor who thought Tenzing at times was a bit
overdramatic. Then he let that
thought go, didnt clear his mind so much as accept that everything in there
was fine, so long as he kept concentrating on what mattered: breathing.
He
felt for Hermiones breathing, listened for her soft inhale and exhale, felt
the pulse of it where her hands touched his, found himself falling into the
rhythm of her breathing, could tell she was with him as she slowed just a
little even as he sped up. Soon, he
could tell—he knew—that
they were in sync.
He
felt her push just slightly against his hand, pushed back to let her know he
was there, too. Together.
It
was entirely strange.
He
heard Tenzing walk off. Was unsure
what to do. Decided to keep
breathing and surrender to the instructions.
They
breathed, on and on and on, and her hand began to grow hot against his, as if
they were creating fire, with nothing more than their breath.
I
think we should stop, he murmured.
I
agree. But she didnt pull away,
just opened her eyes and stared at him.
Do you think he knew that would happen?
I
have a feeling he did.
Crafty
bugger.
Quite. He gently pulled his hands away from her
and moved back enough to give her room but not so far hed give
offense—he hoped, anyway. He
was horribly out of practice with the niceties.
She
leaned in, and he caught a whiff of her perfume. It smelled familiar.
Your
perfume. Did you wear that at school?
Yes. Why?
Is
it common?
Her
eyebrow went up.
I
dont mean cheap. I mean do other
people wear it, too.
Oh. She laughed. Yes, its not custom made for me or
anything. But I have to special
order it. Its not in vogue anymore. Are we really talking about my perfume
when I want to know how youre even here?
My
voice—
Appears
to be just fine, so start talking.
He
smiled at the look in her eyes, the little gleam hed seen at Hogwarts when she
was absorbed in schoolwork that actually interested her. Not everything did, so many things were
too easy for her. Shed been such a
quick study—if an annoying one.
I
gave Harry my memories.
I
remember. We all still thought you
were evil. Sorry for that, by the
way. If its any consolation, Harry
named his second boy Albus Severus.
Snape
laughed and it came out bitter.
Wonderful.
You
would have preferred Severus Albus?
I
find it remarkable Potter thought of me at all.
He
misjudged you. We all did. But you made it very easy to.
I
know. I had to.
I
know. Harry told me. Told me everything, I think. About his mum. And his dad. Kind of a wanker, huh?
Kind
of? That man and his band of
marauders made my life a living hell.
Harry
doesnt like to think of that. She
looked down.
I
cant imagine why not. The sainted
James Potter a right son of a bitch?
Whod want to hear that?
Anyway,
how did you get away?
I
thought I was done for. I thought
Id die and go wherever unsung heroes go and see Albus again. And give him a piece of my mind for the
role he made me play in all this. For what he did to Potter, to all of you. But then someone came.
Someone? Who?
I
thought at first it was one of my Slytherins come to save me—or at least
save me from dying alone. Draco
maybe. Or Pansy. But it wasnt a student: it was a
woman. I was nearly blind from the
venom. I couldnt see who it was,
but she had the same perfume youre wearing. She put some dittany on my wound;
I know that smell. It shouldnt
have worked. Nothing worked on Naginis venom..
Dittany?
Yes. And she told me something. She said I had to hide and get
well. As I said, I dont know how
she stopped the bleeding. It
shouldnt have been possible, but she did it. And then she said to come to this
temple. But not until 2008.
She
did?
He
nodded. He remembered the warmth of
the womans touch. The way shed
leaned down and kissed him. This complete stranger.
One of the best kisses of his life. But Granger had no need to know that.
And
you have no idea who it was?
No. Maybe I should call your perfume supply
company? Although
that was a long time ago.
They probably dont keep records that long.
Oh,
back then you could buy it anywhere.
It was wildly popular. Thats
why Ron gave it to me, I think. He
thought the spokesmodel was pretty.
I
see. He wasnt sure what else one
said to something like that, but then he began to cough, and she instantly
looked contrite.
Oh,
you werent just being snide about your voice.
No. A side effect of not talking much after having
your throat punctured, Im afraid.
He shrugged. Im
alive. I should be happy, I suppose.
Why
did you come here?
He
looked down. It was utterly
ridiculous why he had come here.
Did he really think that the woman would show up, ten years later? That her whispered instructions had been
a promise?
You
came for her, didnt you?
She
saved my life. I thought I might as
well do what she said. But I didnt
come for her. Im not some starry-eyed
schoolgirl. He made his eyes as
hard as he could.
Neither
am I, Severus.
His
name sounded utterly wrong coming from her, but she managed to make her eyes as
hard as his.
So
I see, Hermione.
Well,
now that weve proven we can both use each others first names—and that
weve both got the stones to argue—lets find you some water. Or a nice cup of—
If
you say yak-butter tea, Granger, I will curse you.
She
laughed. You dont get out much, I
take it?
Ive
been more or less a hermit since I arrived.
We
could go somewhere? Or I could
bring something back. Tea and
scones, maybe?
He
saw how unsure she looked, but also how kind. Thats all right. Ill just have some water. But...thank you.
Youre
welcome.
He
thought that was possibly the most civilized conversation theyd ever had.
Part Seven
Hermione
took a deep breath, straightened her jumper, and apparated to Nepal. Sonam was waiting for her, and he smiled
when he saw her.
She
looked around for Snape. Didnt see
him. Just me today?
Sonam
shook his head. I wanted to talk
to you alone first.
How
did you know I was coming?
Just
lucky. His smile told her
otherwise.
Am
I ever going to learn all the things that you know?
He
laughed. No, but you may someday
learn many things of your own.
She
rolled her eyes and fell into step with him when he started up the hill. What did you want to talk about?
Are
you comfortable training with this man Snape? I know Tenzing likes him, but if this is
not what you want, just let me know.
She
thought about it. He was our
nemesis for so long. We thought he
was evil.
So
Tenzing has indicated.
But
he wasnt evil. He was living a horrible
life. And...I
never really knew him—none of us did. And I think—for now,
anyway—that I would like to get to know him. If that changes, I will be sure to let
you know.
Sonam
nodded as if the answer was what he expected.
Is
that the right answer? The right
path?
He
smiled. Your question is an
absolute when really the true issue is whether this is the right path for you.
She
thought about it. Do they never
coincide? The absolute and the
personal?
He
did not answer right away. Then he
said, There are many times that the greater good takes precedence over
personal growth or gain.
But
arent there times when what I need is what the world needs? Or are you trying to tell me that every
time I make a choice that pleases me, the world suffers?
Of
course not. You are not that
important to the world. He
winked. But there is a difference
between whats right and what is pleasing.
How
do you know which one you are looking at?
He
smiled. Doing what is right does
not cause you to feel sick in your stomach if you view the actions with the eyes
of truth. Doing what pleases you is
often something you then have to rationalize to live with.
She
sighed. I think they coincide
sometimes.
That
is because you occasionally do what pleases you with no care for the rest of
the world, and you do not want to view those actions with the eyes of truth.
She
didnt argue because he wasnt wrong.
Your
partner in learning awaits. Sonam
was looking at the top of the hill.
Snape stood watching them.
He is an interesting man.
Is
he?
Sonam
nodded. Like an onion. Peel a layer back and I think you will
find a new one.
Isnt
that true of anyone? Hermione
realized as she asked it that it wasnt.
Peel a layer of Ron back and you essentially ended up with more Ron, not
a different side of him. Never
mind.
Sonam
smiled. It is not bad to be
uncomplicated.
It
is if it gets boring.
Not
for the person who is uncomplicated.
It is, I think, an easier life to be what you appear. No hiding. No worry. Just...existence.
So
they live in the eternal now.
Oh,
I do not mean that. Living in the
now is a skill most humans never learn.
Nor
would we win most wars if we did.
Interesting
that you should so naturally think of war as the first example.
You
try being a soldier in your teens and tell me how that shapes your world view.
He
raised a hand as if in surrender.
Then he called up to Snape, Good morning.
Morning. Snape looked at Hermione. Granger.
Sonam
shot her a look.
Its
Weasley, actually, she said.
Snape
gave her a knowing smile. Thats a
shame. I shall continue to call you
Granger, unless you object strenuously.
She
didnt. She knew she should insist
he use her married name. Especially
once shed corrected him. But truth
to tell, she liked hearing her old name.
Suit yourself, she finally said, earning another look from Sonam.
Sit,
Sonam instructed them, pointing to a spot on the grass.
They
both took the lotus position, side by side.
Ground
and center for me. Sonam looked at
Snape. I presume you know how to
do that?
Tenzing
has been quite thorough in the basics.
Why, may I ask, am I not studying with him?
You
may ask, but ask him, not me.
Sonam shot him a look that Hermione thought was worthy of the old Snape,
back at Hogwarts.
She
almost giggled.
For
a moment, she thought Snape might get up and leave. He and Sonam seemed to be having a
silent battle of wills, but then Snape seemed to relax.
Since
Tenzing has seen fit to assign you as my teacher, he said, I will ground and
center as you suggested.
Excellent.
Hermione
closed her eyes, found the rhythm of breathing that worked best to center her,
envisioned the energy coming through the ground to her and back out again. A few minutes later, Sonam led them
through some visualizations that seemed to serve no
purpose so far as magic was concerned.
All about imagining the whole.
She supposed those were for her benefit, selfish thing that she was.
Your
homework, until we assemble together again, is to continue seeking the
whole. Keep notes on occasions when
you find something that moves you or seems to be approaching unity with the
all.
Then
he left them sitting together.
Lessons
here are never what I expect, she said, stretching out her legs and turning to
look at him. I thought you were
going to rebel.
He
looked like he might tell her to mind her own business. But then he, too, stretched his legs out
and said, I opted not to.
Well,
yes, thats obvious since youve not stormed down the hill. She realized he wasnt wearing the robes
today. Normal clothes? No more blending in?
He
shrugged. Im tired of robes.
But
not of all black. Although the trousers
and shirt hed found didnt look bad on him. Anyway, why did you decide to stay?
He
smiled and it took her by surprise, even if it was only half of the expression
anyone else would give. I
considered the fact that there was a time when I was asked to tutor someone who
hated me. Asked by the very person who
would have been the preferred teacher.
Harry
and Dumbledore?
Precisely.
For
the record, I dont think Sonam will be as mean to you as you were to Harry.
I
dont know. They do talk about
karma here a lot. He shot her a
wry look.
She
studied him. What I dont
understand is why, if you really dont like Harry, you agreed to do anything
for him?
It
was the right thing to do.
She
raised an eyebrow. But you had to
feel conflicted?
Potter
was the son of my most hated enemy.
Potter was also the son of my dearest friend. The latter trumped the former.
Friend? More than that—you were in love
with her.
I
was. And I have no intention of
discussing her any further with you, Granger.
Fine.
They
both stared at the ground a bit until he asked, So you married Weasley?
I
did.
Where
is he?
At
work, I suppose. She sighed, could
see he was trying to figure out why she wasnt. I have one of these. She pulled out the Time-Turner.
He
nodded but then his expression turned mocking. Need to run away in time to escape him,
do you?
I
have responsibilities. My job. My children. Its difficult to carve out time
without—
Carving
out time quite literally? His
expression was unreadable. Are you
aware that you left your husband out of your list of responsibilities? Your job. Your children. No mention of him.
Hes
assumed. She kept her chin up, as
if this conversation was beneath her.
He
just laughed. When loves become
footnotes, trouble is on the rise.
As
if youd know. She saw her words hit
home. He seemed to shut down
immediately. Im sorry. That was mean.
And
a Gryffindor would never be that.
He got up. Until next
time. When we will no doubt engage
in equally delightful chatter.
Before she could say anything, he had turned and was hurrying down the
hill. And even though he wasnt
wearing his old robe, she could still imagine it billowing like a black cloud
behind him.
##
Snape
was trying to meditate after the encounter with Granger when a soft knock
sounded on his door. Come in, he
said, not bothering to get up.
Instead
of one of the monks, Granger peeked in.
I come bearing gifts.
He
kept his face as expressionless as possible.
She
held up a basket. I have decent tea.
And homemade scones.
You
made them?
No,
Molly did. I filched a few. She took a deep breath. What I said was harsh, and you did not
deserve it. I apologize. And Id like to make it up to you. She took a step into the room. I also have tea sandwiches.
He
raised an eyebrow. Granger, this
is the monks side of the living quarters.
I
checked with Tenzing before I came.
Its not that the nuns cant come over here: its that they dont.
Shed
had time to make tea, filch scones, acquire tea sandwiches, and clear this with
Tenzing in the fifteen or so minutes since hed left her? You need to be careful with that thing.
What
thing? She was unpacking what did
look like an excellent repast.
That
Time-Turner. You were already in
the past—your past—and then you went back again? Youll get lost if youre not careful.
I
always know when I am.
Oh,
of course. The brilliant Miss
Granger would never make a mistake.
She
stopped in the middle of pouring tea and looked at him. Of course I make mistakes—now and
then. I couldnt see that you were
helping us all those years ago. And
I did not have any right to insult you the way I just did today. Clearly, I am not infallible.
Witness
marrying Weasley as an argument on my side.
She
grunted, but he noticed she did not argue.
Trouble in paradise? He didnt doubt it. The almost cruel way Weasley had treated
her was obvious even to someone who wasnt paying all that much attention, as
was the fact that Granger had adored the boy. Children had no idea how much of their
lives teachers noticed.
Why
did you marry him?
I
love him.
Ah.
She
took a deep breath. How about this:
we agree not to insult each other over our romantic affairs and I wont toss
this hot tea at you?
He
laughed. Agreed. What kind of tea is it?
Darjeeling. I hope you like that? Its my favorite.
Its
not yak butter. Id take freshly
steeped grass at this point, Im afraid.
She
laughed, and it was an open and engaging sound. He suddenly suspected she didnt laugh
very often. Well, this is much
better than grass. I order it
special.
Your
perfume. Now your
tea. You dont frequent
shops like a normal person?
Who
has time? She smiled ruefully as
she handed him his tea and offered a container with milk, lemon, and sugar cubes
stored inside. Even with a
Time-Turner.
Unadulterated
is fine, he said, sipping his tea black as she added copious amounts of milk
and sugar. Would you care for some
tea with your sweetened milk?
She
laughed again. No comments from
you, sir. Or Ill whisk this away
before you can sip more of it.
He
took another sip of his tea. This
is heaven, Granger.
She
laid out a plate of scones and another of what appeared to be cucumber
sandwiches. Eat up.
One
insult is hardly worthy of such a feast.
I
wasnt ready to go home. She
stared resolutely at the floor.
And I was sorry for what Id said.
So...this seemed like a good idea.
Well,
I certainly appreciate it. If I
refrain from making snide comments, may I ask why you dont want to go home?
Didnt
want to, not dont. I wasnt ready
for my time to be over. Its not that I dont want to go home
because I do want to.
Just...on
your own terms.
More
in my own time. She exhaled, and
it sounded like something midway between a laugh and a sigh. Its lovely having people who depend on
you. But... She met his eyes. You had a whole houseful. You know how it is.
I
wasnt required to love them.
She
didnt smile. But you did, didnt
you? You did a lot for that house. I mean, aside from the obvious.
I
did. He wasnt unhappy to admit
it. Hed loved his Slytherins,
saved the ones he could. Tried to
get them on a good path. Hard to do when expectations were so low and temptation so nearby. He decided to change the topic, get it
off him and his house. And
Potter? He prospers?
She
nodded. He married Ginny
Weasley. Theyre very happy. She looked down.
As
opposed to she and Ron? Snape
wondered if she could even hear the implied contrast in her tone.
Good
for them. He tried to sound
jovial; it came out forced.
She
looked up at him and laughed. Were
you even trying to sound genuine there?
I
was, sadly. He smiled at her,
smiled wider at the grin he got back from her. I am not conviviality personified.
You
dont say? She held out the
container shed poured the tea from.
More?
Please. He helped himself to the scones and
sandwiches, too.
There
was a comfortable silence as they both ate.
Finally,
she leaned back, and asked him, Do you think Tenzing and Sonam can teach us a
better way?
I
think they can teach us a different way.
I am not certain yet if it is better or not. Id like to think it might be, if Im
going to subject myself to their rather Spartan food and accommodations.
Yet
the Temple feels so rich. I think
that every time Im in there. The
wood and the brass, the maroon and gold cloth. The sound and the
smell. Incense and popcorn:
thats what I think of.
Its
especially beautiful at night.
I
know. But you cant see the
mountains in the background.
But
if you sit on the benches and look in, its really quite astounding. The golden glow and the tones and hums.
She
smiled. Who knew you were such a
lover of beauty. You of the
all-black wardrobe and classroom with no affectation.
You
dont know me that well, Hermione.
He realized what hed called her a moment after it was out of his mouth.
She
smiled. My, you didnt choke or
anything when you said that. An
enormous yawn put an end to whatever else she was going to say. She eyed his cot. I know its an imposition, but Im so
dreadfully tired.
Another
side effect to that blasted toy.
Come here in real time, Granger.
Its safer.
I
have my reasons for using it.
He
decided not to pursue that. Take a
nap. I have reading to do. He held up the book Tenzing had given
him. One of the better translations
of the basic tenets of their belief, hed said. He thought Voldemort and his Death
Eaters might have liked the title.
She
curled up on his cot and was out in a flash. He watched her sleep for a moment, then
picked up the book and continued on from where hed left off.
##
Harry
felt Ron poke him in the side.
What?
Shes
not eating again. Ron was looking
at Hermione. She never seems
hungry anymore. But shes not
losing weight.
Maybe
she ate a big lunch.
Hermione? Miss Talk to me while I run off to this
meeting Hermione?
Maybe
it was a special occasion. Going away or promotion or some such? I dont know, Ron. Maybe she just doesnt like Beef
Wellington.
Who
doesnt like Beef Wellington. Especially my mums?
Harry
shrugged and mercifully Rons attention was nabbed with a discussion of the
latest quidditch results. Harry
looked over at Hermione and tried to mime eating as stealthily as he
could. She stared at him for a
moment, then seemed to get it, and began to pick at her food.
Once
they were done eating, he cornered her in the upstairs hall. Maybe you should save some room for
dinner if you dont want Ron getting suspicious.
Of
what? A restaurant? She rolled her eyes. I picked up some Thai food. I had a hankering. She seemed amused by the idea.
You
ate lunch in Thailand.
No,
I got it to take away.
He
frowned—since when did she do takeaway to Nepal? Did you do some new
kind of meditation? Your pupils are
really dilated.
She
nodded. Its a tandem breathing
exercise.
Tandem
with Sonam? He laughed. He doesnt seem your type.
Its
not like that. But she suddenly
looked cagey. If you were there,
youd know. But youre not there,
so I really would rather not talk about it.
Fine. But try to at least pretend you like
Mollys cooking.
I
love Mollys cooking. Ill do
better.
Harry
heard clomping up the stairs and moved away from Hermione as Ron came into
view.
There
you are. Rons smiled faded a
little as he saw Harry. Both of
you.
Im
just going for a walk. Hermione
brushed past him and set off down the staircase.
Ill
come. Ron shot Harry a look and
then hurried after her.
Harry
went into his bedroom where Ginny was playing with Lily. I love you. Have I told you that recently?
She
grinned at him. Not today.
Do
you want to know all about my day?
Not
really. She laughed. Unless you want to tell me?
Not
really. I just...I just dont want
there to be things we keep from each other.
Couples
dont share everything, Harry. You
have to preserve the mystery. She
winked and pulled him over for a kiss.
But the important things, I agree, lets not keep those secret. Unless they involve birthdays or
Christmas.
Right,
then. He gave her another long
kiss, then leaned back against the wardrobe and watched his daughter play.
##
Hermione
adjusted the scarf shed bought to go with the new blouse. It made her look...bohemian or
something. Like a
slightly saner Luna. Shes
always envied Luna the ease with which she could turn anything into an
outfit—even if she hadnt always admired the end result. Luna had always seemed happy with it, as
if shed been shopping on Saville Row rather than the
produce section.
You
look pretty. Ron was standing in
the door to their bedroom. That
new?
Um
huh. She smiled at him in the
mirror.
He
came up behind her, began to nuzzle her neck. He put his hands around her waist,
started to move them up.
She
leaned back against him and then remembered the Time-Turner. Hed find it if he kept exploring the
direction he was going. This is
lovely, but Im late.
He
glanced at the clock. No, youre
not.
Early
day.
He
dropped his hands like hed been burned.
Well, sorry to get in the way of your schedule.
Ron. Thats not what I meant. Later, all right?
Sure. Fine. Later. He walked out and a moment later she
heard the door to the apartment slam.
Brilliant. She took a deep breath, grabbed her bag,
and followed him out.
He
wasnt waiting for her in the hall, or on the street. Hed left her and gone on. Wonderful. Hed be in a great mood when she got
home.
She
caught up with him at the Ministry, but he didnt say anything to her as she
walked next to him. She finally
reached over for his hand, and he let her take it, but he didnt squeeze back
when she tightened her grip.
If
something were wrong, would you tell me, Hermione?
Nothings
wrong, Ron. And Ill prove that
tonight.
He
turned and gave her a searching look.
Then he pulled his hand free and hurried off in the direction of the aurors department.
She
worked through lunch, took a break later in the day and used the Time-Turner to
get back a few hours, then apparated to Nepal.
Snape
was waiting for her on the bench by the temple. Schools out today, Im afraid.
What?
Tenzing
is busy and Sonam is gone.
She
sat down next to him. Oh. Well.
Yes.
The
both stared at the ground. Then she
said, We could go somewhere, you
know? Ive never been to Borneo.
I
have.
Oh. Do you want to go back?
Not
particularly. He was studying
her. You look different today.
Oh,
put on a scarf, is all. Not any
kind of effort, so dont think I did this for you.
I
wasnt. He looked amused. How about Hong Kong? Theres a little dim sum place I love.
Ive
never been there, either.
He
stood and offered his arm. She took
it, and he apparated them to Hong Kong.
Where they nearly got run over by a crowd of people evidently in a very
great hurry.
Sorry,
this wasnt so busy a street the last time I was here.
She
laughed as he pulled her out of the way of a car that looked like it was going
to come up onto the sidewalk.
Weve all done it. My
goodness, theyre quite mad drivers, arent they?
He
eased her back to the storefront.
The place I like is just...there.
He pointed to a small shop across the very busy road. Would it be terribly lazy to apparate
us over to that side of the street?
Itd
be terribly obvious. But I think
were going to take our life in our hands if we try to cross.
That
alley will do. He put his hand
over hers where it lay on his arm, and in a moment they were across the
street. Right, then. Hungry?
Famished.
He
smiled and they went into the small restaurant. The owner clearly remembered Snape and
treated him like a long-lost son.
Once
they were seated, she leaned in and asked, How many times did you come here?
I
lived here, for a time, after I was saved.
Seemed a good place to hide in plain sight. Big city, lots of
foreigners. Easy to slip by
as if youve been here forever.
Do
you speak Chinese?
A
little. Not much, to be
honest. Its a hard language.
I
thought you were brilliant?
I
am. But even I have limits. He looked as if he might laugh, and she
smiled at the silly way his mouth was quirking up.
She
let him order for them, enjoyed the various offerings the waiter put on their
plates. Most of
them, anyway. Some were a
trifle odd. She decided not to ask
what was in them. Shed learned
that was often the best way with potions or food dishes in a strange country.
She
stopped before she was full.
Thats
all youre eating? He
frowned. Do you not like this
place?
I
need to save room for dinner.
His
eyes narrowed, and she felt like a specimen under a microscope as he looked at
her. Why do you have to save
room?
Its
just a bit suspicious if Im never hungry because weve had a big lunch.
Why
dont you just tell him youre taking classes at a temple in Nepal and the
hours are off enough that you need to eat while youre there?
Well,
that would require explaining where Im finding the time to be in Nepal.
Perhaps
you should just find the time. Tell
him you need some to yourself.
Dont use the Time-Turner.
You
clearly have never had children. Or
a husband who has the attention span of a gnat if its his turn to watch them
but a quidditch match is on.
Perhaps
if you made it clear how important it was to you?
Was
she getting relationship advice from Snape? Its fine the way it is.
Youre
lying to him, Granger. How is that
fine?
Well,
you dont seem to be complaining.
You seem to enjoy my company.
Yes,
to my shock and amazement, I find I do enjoy your company. But thats hardly the point. I could enjoy it just as well if you
didnt lie and then we could share a dessert.
Get
a dessert if you need one so bloody much.
That
was an example. I dont want
dessert. He sighed. I know its none of my business, but
you just get a certain look when you talk about your home situation.
Leave
it alone.
Its
just...
I
said to leave it alone. Her voice
was ugly, and she knew it.
He
held up a hand, as if he got it, and then motioned for the check. He paid it in a tight silence and then rose
and waited for her to lead them out.
She
felt miserable. I didnt mean to
ruin our meal.
You
didnt. Its just a meal, after
all. Its not like youre cheating
on your husband.
She
stopped and nearly got run over by a couple racing for a trolley. Im not. With you?
Not
with me, you ninny. With Nepal. With this experience.
With your secrets. Be honest with the man, Granger. Id want that if you were with me.
If
Im honest, hell want to come.
I
know why Id consider that a bad deal, but why do you? You married the git.
Can
we please drop this? I really do
not need guidance from you.
Again
the hand went up. He took her by
the elbow and they were suddenly in Nepal.
He strode off without another word.
Oh,
thats right. Act offended and
hurry off so I feel bad.
He turned and shook his head. I
have other things to do, Granger.
As do you. Go do them.
When
she got back to regular time, she worked through dinner, left a message for Ron
that shed be late. He stopped by
before leaving, seemed unsurprised when she said she had to finish something.
Guess
our big night is off?
She
sighed. Im sorry. Im just not in the mood. I have all this work and—
He
turned and walked out before she could finish.
Part Eight
Snape
saw Tenzing walking in the temple and joined him.
No
Hermione again today? Tenzing asked.
No. She hadnt been back since their dim sum
in Hong Kong several weeks ago. Snape
hated to admit he was missing her. Then again, who
else did he have to talk to other than Tenzing? Surely he wasnt actually missing her so much as the idea of another
person from home, another wizard.
There
was no way he was missing Hermione Grang—Weasley.
She
is perhaps rethinking her involvement with us, Tenzing said quietly.
As
she should. Why did you lure her
here?
Tenzing
laughed. Lure? We lured no one
here but if you must know, I invited Harry to visit us, not Hermione. She seemed to be part of the package.
Not
much of a package—Ive yet to see him here.
We
all discover things about ourselves here.
Harry is no different. I
believe he thought adventure and secrets would be more fun than they proved to
be.
Hermione
may have come to the same realization.
Perhaps. Although I think she is cut of different
cloth than he is.
A
darker cloth?
Dark,
light, the color makes no difference.
Is the night inherently more evil than the day?
Snape
actually agreed with him. But try
telling that to those who werent Slytherin.
Do
you miss her? Our Hermione? Tenzing smiled, the eye-crinkling smile
of utter amusement. Oh, youre
about to make up some reason why of course you dont miss her. Dont bother, Severus. Im onto you.
Snape
rolled his eyes but found himself fighting back a
smile.
Do
you like football, Tenzing asked.
Pardon?
Football. Men on a field chasing a ball and trying
to kick it into a goal?
I
know what football is.
Excellent. Do you like it?
I
guess. Hed never given it much
thought. Quidditch had been the
game of choice for him, even if hed never excelled at it.
Tenzing
had a devilish grin. Some of the
younger monks have rigged the antenna to pick up the games. We could watch?
All
right. He followed Tenzing into
the temple and back to the common room that the monks and nuns used for larger
meetings. Everyone was gathered
around a small television set. When
the signal went out, they would yell and some boys would scramble up onto the
roof and do something to the antenna to make the signal come back.
A
lot of effort for a game.
Find
joy in all you do. Tenzing said,
then yelled in triumph as the opposing team lost the ball. At least Snape thought it was the
opposing team. It was difficult to
see through the bad reception to tell who was playing whom.
He
decided to quit trying to decipher anything and just enjoy the spirit of
camaraderie.
##
Hermione
opened her desk drawer and reached into the back of it, pulling out the
Time-Turner. She held it for a
moment, then shoved it back into the drawer.
Her
door opened and Ron peeked in.
Ready to go?
She
nodded. Getting up slowly, she
joined him and walked out. They
didnt talk much as they went, just some halfhearted chatting about their day.
It
was odd. She was getting enough
sleep. Not stealing time. Not lying. And she felt as if the life had gone out
of her. She knew Ron could tell
something was wrong, but he didnt seem to want to ask her what it was.
Fleur
offered to take the kids if we wanted some time alone, he said, not looking at
her.
Thats
sweet of her.
Do
we want that? Time alone? He didnt look at her still. I told her I wasnt sure. Work being busy and all.
Right. Work is busy.
Yes. He stopped walking. If there were someone else, would you
tell me?
She
frowned. What?
Someone
else. In your
life. That you love. Would you tell me?
Theres
no one else, Ron. Im right here.
Yes,
you are. He took a deep breath,
like he was trying to not say things he really wanted to. But you arent. You seem to be going through the
motions.
She
could feel anger boiling up and started to walk away from him.
He
grabbed her arm. No. Just tell me.
There
is no one else, Ron. Im right
here. Where Ive always been. Where I always am. At your side. The dutiful little wife. She practically spit the last part at
him.
He
took a step back. Then why do I
feel like Im living with a ghost?
I
dont know. Im right here,
Ron. If you cant tell that, then
thats your problem, not mine. She
walked away again and this time he didnt grab her.
More
than anything, she wanted to disapparate right in front of him. Go to Nepal—or wherever she
wanted—and not have to pretend she wanted to be
with him.
When
did she stop wanting to be with him?
She
stopped, turned, and walked back to him.
I need to go back to work.
Ive forgotten something.
Suit
yourself, Hermione. He walked past
her, shoulders hunched forward, hands jammed in his
coat pocket.
She
hurried back to the Ministry, went to her office, and got the Time-Turner. No.
She didnt need it. This
would be just a quick trip. She
walked outside, found a good place to disapparate from, and concentrated.
She
found Snape in the temple garden.
He was working with some kind of herb and it took him a moment to
realize she was staring at him.
He
turned and studied her, his expression giving away nothing. Granger.
Snape.
She walked over and stood above
him. I missed you.
Im
sure the world will end at an—
She
slapped her hand over his mouth—a bit roughly, perhaps. No, no insults. I missed you. Did you miss me? She removed her hand.
He
rubbed his mouth. Yes, damn you.
Good. She took a few steps back. Good. Then, Ill see you tomorrow.
Youre
coming back?
No
reason not to, is there? She did
not look away from his eyes.
He
did not look away from hers, either.
I cant think of one.
Brilliant. Then, tomorrow?
Right,
then.
Right. She suddenly felt very
awkward. Ta ta.
She apparated on the street in front of her flat. She saw Ron moving about in front of the
windows—looking for her, no doubt.
She
felt a pang of guilt, but then anger took its place. He already thought she was
cheating. What difference did it
make what she did?
##
Snape
found himself having a hard time sleeping.
The encounter with Granger in the garden had left him wondering if the
gods were playing tricks on him. At
the time, hed known exactly what he meant and what she meant, but now, as he
kept replaying the exchange, he wondered if hed made the whole thing up.
He finally fell into a light sleep, dozing on and off until morning, when he
got up and spent a little extra time getting ready.
She
showed up not long after and walked over to him.
Sonam
isnt here, he said.
All
right. She looked at the
temple. Tenzing, then?
He
shook his head. Why dont we
talk?
She
took a deep breath. We could do
that.
He
took her elbow just long enough to turn her down the path and then let go. I wasnt sure youd come back here.
I
shouldnt have. She looked over at
him and he realized she looked like she hadnt slept well either. Im essentially cheating on my husband,
you know?
Yes,
I told you that.
With
you, I mean. I came back for you.
No,
Im just icing on the cake. He
made a face so shed see he knew how ludicrous that statement was. I think you came here for your
freedom.
My
freedom. She sighed. I spent so many years pining over
him. And then I got him. Hes a good man.
If
you say so.
Im
just tired of trying.
Trying...?
To
not change. He doesnt ever
change. And I have. I want to. I want to learn and grow.
Just
tell him that. Not the part perhaps
about him being stunted in perpetual adolescence.
Thats
not what I said.
Ah. Well, just tell him the part where you
need to grow. You dont have to
betray him to do that.
She
seemed to think about it. For a long time.
Its
not that difficult, Granger.
Im
tired of him. She closed her eyes,
as if she had not meant to blurt that out.
Then she opened them and looked relieved.
That,
my dear, is a different thing altogether.
I
know. This is a problem. Youre a problem.
He
stopped them. I fail to see how
Im the problem.
Id
rather be here, talking to you, than home talking to him.
Then
make some new friends, Granger.
Youve clearly gotten housebound and office bound.
She
sighed and turned to look out at the mountains. But thats the problem. I dont want new friends. I like talking to you. She looked back at him. And I think you like talking to me,
too.
Im
not exactly awash in options here.
Her
face fell. Oh. No, I guess youre not. She let out a huff of what had to be
exasperation. So, once again,
stupid Hermione, after some boy who doesnt know shes alive.
Im
not some boy. Also, I wasnt under
the impression you were after me.
She
turned to look at him. I dont
know what I want.
That
I believe. He took her arm, didnt
let go this time.
She
let him get her moving and then glanced at him. So youd never be interested in
me—is that what you were saying?
He
realized she had the scarf hed admired on, that shed taken extra care with
her hair, and that he found her very, very attractive. Hermione, leave it be, wont you? This is confusing enough.
Because suddenly he was interested in her. But who could blame him? He was surrounded by
celibate monks and nuns. And
she was so very much alive.
Its
confusing for you, too? she asked in a very small voice.
He knew he should tell her no. He
knew he should shut this down. He
knew all those things, but he saw her expression and melted a little. Its confusing for me, too, all right?
Now, let it go.
He
realized he still had hold of her arm and moved away. She didnt protest, just walked along in
silence with him until they finally started talking about things magical and monk
like, and the awkwardness between them gradually wore off.
##
Hermione
saw Sonam sitting with Snape. The
two were actually talking as if they might someday deign to like each
other. She wasnt sure why there
was tension between them when Tenzing clearly thought highly of Snape.
Granger,
Snape said, and his eyes lightened when he saw her.
She
knew her own were probably shining, too.
Snape.
Sit
here on this side, Sonam said.
Both of you move closer, I will need to be able to rest my hands on your
arms.
They
scooted in, and he said, Take a moment to ground and center. Then we will talk.
She
worked on centering, was dimly conscious of Snapes measured breath and fell
into the rhythm of it, found the ground more easily, the power coming up, felt
her own used-up energy flowing back.
That
is sufficient, Sonam said, and Hermione opened her eyes, saw that Snape was
smiling slightly at her—had he known what she was doing? We have talked and talked about magic
the wizard way and the way we do it here, the way of the one. But I have been remiss in not showing
you. Telling you does not have the
same impact.
He
pointed at a clump of flowers that was blooming near them. I am going to touch you; it will allow
you to feel what I feel. Not in general,
but in moments when something happens that impacts the all. Do you understand?
No,
Hermione and Snape said together.
Sonam
chuckled. Who would like to kill
that flower on the right?
Neither
volunteered.
It
is not a trick request. I want one
of you to use your wand to destroy that flower. Hermione, you do it.
All
right. She took her wand out and
pointed it at the flower on the right.
Confringo.
A
jolt of pure pain and terror roared through her from where Sonams
hand rested on hers. She heard
Snape cry out in surprise.
Tears
sprang to her eyes. Partly of pain,
partly because she imagined she could feel the...disappointment of the Universe
at the destruction of one of its creatures. The senseless
destruction.
Does
it change if it is an inanimate object? Snape asked. Mineral, metal?
Try
it and see. That rock over there,
perhaps?
Snape
snapped his wand at it. Expulso.
The
rock shattered into pieces, again the pain came but it was slightly less.
Think
of living things as the picture, solid things as the frame. When either is broken, the thing is no
longer whole. But some things are
easier to replace.
Hermione
frowned. Rocks take much longer to
form than flowers take to grow.
Snape
laughed softly.
Sonam
did not. The metaphor is apt.
She
does have a point. Snape
smiled—the supercilious smile of Hogwarts. How do we know you arent feeding us
this pain to promote your agenda?
You dont. Sonam turned to her. Would I do that?
No,
she answered without hesitation.
Sonam
shot Snape a look.
Well,
we could replace it. She tried to
conjure the flower, but all she managed was a sad looking, clearly fake,
copy. A slight rumble ran through
her from Sonams touch, but nothing more. Geminio, she said, pointing at another flower, then to the
spot the old flower had lain.
A
copy of that flower appeared, and a screech rang through her brain. She saw Snape grab his ears and shake
his head.
What
is it? she asked Sonam as the noise continued but gradually grew less shrill.
It
is the sound of wrongness. That
flower should never have existed.
It will, eventually, stop protesting.
He
let go of them and said, Move closer to the flowers and touch my arms.
They
did as he said.
He
reached out for the copy of the flower, murmured, Be as you should be.
She
could sense something going out from Sonam. It wasnt magic, precisely, but it was
definitely something special. There
was a slight hum—not an unpleasant sound but Hermione thought over time
it might grow annoying—and then the flower vanished.
Reveal
your nature, thing of mind. He ran
his finger through the flower she had conjured and it crumpled into dust.
There was nothing coming from Sonam when he did it.
Why
didnt it protest? Snape asked.
Sonam
smiled. It was unreal. Not even a copy. A thing that was not. Getting rid of it was nothing more than
cleaning up the space. The copy,
however, lived. I gave it the choice to continue its existence or not. Since its creation affected the original
flower, it chose to return to its originator—at Hermiones sound of
protest he looked at her—every time you take, something else loses. There is only so much energy and mass in
the Universe. There are always
consequences, even if nothing is made of them—save for the three Unforgivables—during your training.
Snape
looked thoughtful. Conservation of
energy. And of mass, too, I
presume. He frowned, turned to
Hermione. When you kept Skeeter in the jar, how much did she weigh?
Her
eyebrows went up. You knew about
that?
He
laughed. I thought it was
hilarious. I could not abide that
woman.
She
smiled. She weighed what a normal
beetle would weigh.
Snape
looked at Sonam, raised an eyebrow.
Sonam
smiled in an untroubled way. Turn
this rock—he handed a small stone to Snape—into a clump of moss.
Snape
did the transfiguration spell and a clump of moss lay in his hand. And all around him, surging and pulsing
was the rest of the mass, tied to the object but kept from the visible by the
spell. She got the slightest bit of
a read off the moss: it felt as if it was being crushed. Not that a moss puts that into words the
way, say, a journalist might if she could tell you how much it hurt to be a
beetle and have the rest of her weight constantly pressing on her psychically.
Your
beetle was in pain. Not
physical. Worse. The sense of
heaviness. The sense of missing something inherent. The sense of being torn from the whole.
You
didnt tell me that before.
You
werent ready to hear it.
I
tortured her.
Sonam
nodded, but patted her hand. At
least it was not as specific a pain or intent as the cruciatus. You did not mean to hurt her, only
deprive her of liberty.
Hermione
felt dreadful, and Snape even managed to look a bit contrite.
Sonam
smiled gently. There is some
measure of responsibility on the part of an animagus. He or she chooses the pain every time
they transform into a creature that is significantly different in size. The heaviness of being
too small, the emptiness of being in a body too large. But the captivity: that was on you,
Hermione.
She
nodded.
Is
there a way to fix the flower that died?
Your way, I mean, Snape asked.
It
is dead. How would you fix it?
Everything
lives, by your reckoning.
Conservation of energy. He
frowned. By the way, if that holds
true for souls, how would reincarnation work? The number of souls at the start of time
is nowhere near what would be needed now.
How
do you know the number of souls at the start of time was not infinitely larger
than what was needed?
Thats
a bit like arguing what dance steps the angels will choose on the head of a
pin.
As
you say. So let us not argue about
it.
Fine. Getting back to the flower. It will be reborn?
As
a different flower. The one she
destroyed is gone forever.
Its
just a flower, Hermione said, but she remembered the scream that had gone
through her. What would a human
sound like?
It
is just a flower. And a beetle is
just a beetle. A snake just a
snake. But when does it become more
than just a small thing, Hermione? Your cat? A beloved dog? A
person you dont like?
She
didnt mean it that way, Snape said.
Hermione
can speak for herself. You have no
idea, sir, what she is capable of.
Does he?
No,
she whispered.
Sonam
seemed to take pity on her; his eyes softened and he put his hand on her
arm. But you are also capable of
great good. I would not ride you so
if I did not think you were better than this.
She
nodded, still felt stung.
Sonam got up. That is enough for
today. I will leave you two in
peace. He walked away, his pace
unhurried, as if he had not just upset their whole world.
Well. That was...illuminating. Snape moved closer to her. You all right?
I
will be. It was—you felt it,
right? When that flower screamed?
I
felt it. I was surprised.
I
was, as well. Why dont they teach
us that every action—
Has
an equal and opposite reaction?
They do, Granger. Its
called physics. Something not
taught at Hogwarts. He shook his
head. Maybe it should be.
How
do you know so much about it?
Ive
had a lot of time to read over the last ten years. He gave her a crooked smile. Youd be surprised at what Ive read.
She found herself grinning back as she stood up. Tawdry novels?
Hardly. He stoop up, then offered her his arm
and she took it. I wouldnt worry
too much about whatever you did.
Its in the past, is it not?
You can learn and change now.
Or not—since this is the only system we know how to use. For all their babbling, they arent very
forthcoming with actual methods.
She
laughed. I know. If I hear, Everything you need is
within you once more time, Ill scream.
He
patted her hand and she leaned into him.
Are you hungry?
I
am.
How
long can you stay?
I
gave myself half a day.
He
raised an eyebrow.
I
know, I know: you dont like how much I use the Time-Turner. But if I didnt use it, I wouldnt be
here, and youd be stuck with yak-butter tea and gruel. Do you really want me to stop using it?
They
dont serve gruel. The food is not
bad.
Its
not dim sum. Or Thai. Or Donner Kabob.
Ive
not had that in an eternity.
Im
sure we can scare some up in Ankara.
Granger,
its only after breakfast here.
Itll be early in the morning there.
She
smiled. Well, well just have to
find other things to do until the restaurants open there for lunch. She leaned in closer, felt him push
back. Unless you object?
Resisting
you would be an exercise in futility.
What did you have in mind?
We
could talk.
About...?
Whatever
we felt like. You know—like
friends do.
His
smile was amazingly sweet and open.
I would not say no to that.
Excellent.
They walked on. And talked about whatever
they felt like. The way friends do.
Part Nine
Snape
sat next to Granger as the lesson wrapped up. Tenzing was teaching them, and hed
seemed to go out of his way to answer every question she asked with another
question. She was pent up and full
of frustrated energy by the time Tenzing left them.
Hes
infuriating, she said. Never,
ever just answers the sodding question.
Its
not his way. And I think he likes
to play with you. He dodged a slap
at his arm. Not a hard one, more a
warning shot. You make it
frightfully easy for him. Has
hiding your emotions ever been a goal?
I
hide them all the time.
Granger, I can read you like a book.
And if I can read you like
that, imagine what someone actually skilled in interpersonal relationships can
do.
Fine,
what am I thinking now? She seemed
to be trying to hide her emotions but he could see the fire in her eyes.
That
youd like to whomp me to London and back.
She looked chastened, so he knew he was right.
How
about now? She
did manage a bit more equanimity in her look but still, he could read through.
Youre
determined to get it right. Youre
frustrated that you cant.
She
took a deep breath. I think youre
more skilled than you know. She
seemed to think about that. But
then, youd have had to be. To survive a double life for so long. Reading others well would equal
survival.
She
had a point; he nodded a big grudgingly.
She
suddenly had a devilish look. What
am I thinking now?
I
am not playing this game anymore.
She
moved closer. No, really. What am I thinking? She stared into his eyes and was clearly
trying to hide a smile.
I
think youre contemplating how to best be an utter brat. He pushed her back.
She
was relentless. No, tell me, if
Im such an open book, what am I thinking right now.
Her
lips were parted, she was staring at him intently, and she leaned in, her
perfume wafting to him.
Stop
it. He made to get up, but she
stopped him. Hermione, I mean
it. Your game has gone far enough.
See,
you cant tell.
He
yanked her to him, close enough so she would be uncomfortable with the
distance. Youre acting like a
child who thinks she can pretend to be seducing someone.
You
think I cant seduce you if I want to?
She looked unfazed by the supposed-to-be-uncomfortable closeness. The fire had died some, the over-the-top
sensuality replaced by something else.
Something much harder to resist.
Warmth. Openness. Curiosity. And a refreshingly
light sexiness.
Stop
it.
She
moved closer. Dont you want me?
Youre
married.
Dont
you want me? She moved nearer;
their lips were so close—he only had to pull a little and shed be there.
Granger,
please.
She
didnt move, just watched him. She
let her eyes grow sleepily sensual, a look hed never seen on her before: it
was exceedingly fetching.
Hermione.
She
moved and their lips touched barely.
Do you want me to finish this?
He
could feel her lips moving against his with each syllable.
Do
you?
Not
if this is just a game.
Why
not?
Because
Im not in the mood for games.
Im
not either. Her voice was husky,
something he barely had time to register before she was pressing closer, her
lips on his, a sweet kiss, a loving kiss.
He
waited to see what she would do, if she would pull away quickly, so he let her
kiss him but offered not much in the way of help—even though he really
wanted to.
She
didnt pull away: she opened her mouth. And he was lost. He pulled her to him, kissing her
fiercely and she laughed into his mouth.
And he found himself laughing too.
When
they finally came up for air, she smiled at him. Not bad, Professor.
Not
bad yourself, Miss Granger. He
studied her, feared his eyes were far too soft. You realize youve just complicated
this beyond all reason.
I
dont care. I wanted to do it. Im glad I did it. She touched his lips. And I want to do it again. May I?
He
nodded. Probably should have taken
a moment to think about it, but in for a penny and all that.
If
anyone had asked him ten years ago if he could ever envision a day when hed
spend the morning kissing Hermione Granger before heading off for Turkish food,
hed have laughed uproariously.
And
yet he was doing just that. And
could not remember having a better day.
Not since those early days with Lily.
And
he felt colder when Hermione finally left for home. And suddenly very
jealous of Ron.
##
Harry
watched as Hermione wandered through the great room at the Burrows. She was swaying a little bit, as if
dancing, and humming.
He
walked over. You all right?
She
didnt snap at him the way he expected.
Just nodded.
So,
you and Ron must be getting on better?
Immediately
her look changed, became wary.
Were fine.
He
felt his stomach sink. Ron kept
saying he thought Hermione was seeing someone. Harry hadnt believed it, but she was
acting really strange. Is it
Sonam?
Is
what Sonam?
Whoever
has you humming and nearly floating across the room.
Again
the wary look. Is it so unlikely I
might just be happy?
Lately,
yeah, it really is. He took her by
the arm, led her to a corner of the room.
You need to stop going—you are still going, right?
I
am. I did stop. For two weeks. Was miserable, Ron even more so. Its not Sonam. Hes a monk, Harry. I mean, really.
He
frowned. She had the look she used
to get right after she and Ron had gotten together. The look of a woman in
love. Newly in love. I just dont want Ron hurt in all
this.
Neither
do I. She rolled her eyes. Youre reading too much into me having
had a glass of wine midday and wearing too much perfume.
I
dont mind the perfume. I like
it. It smells different on you than
anyone else. Even when it was so
popular.
What?
He
shrugged. Body chemistry, I
suppose. Everybody changes the
scent. But its so...fresh on
you. I never liked it when the
other girls wore it.
She
seemed lost in thought.
Did
I say something wrong?
Not
at all. I think you said something
right. I think I finally understand
something. God, I am so dim
sometimes.
Im
confused.
She
grabbed him and kissed him. And I
love you. Thank you. She laughed and he was a little worried
about her. The manic sound in her
voice was like the old days, when she was hatching some scheme.
You
can tell me anything.
I
know. She gave him a smile that
was bright, but if he looked further, meant nothing. Then she went back to humming and
floating.
Suddenly,
she stopped. Her smile faded. She looked at him and he said, What?
How
do you compete with a ghost?
Excuse
me?
I
just realized. I mean, Ive always
known. But... She seemed to realize she was
making no sense. Listen to me go on. Im
sorry. We had a strange exercise
today in Nepal. It... She smiled,
then the smile faded. It was fun. But...maybe not real.
You
are making no sense.
I
know. Her good mood seemed to have
evaporated. Im sorry.
He
turned to leave her alone and saw Ron watching them from outside. His friend turned away when their eyes
met and walked off.
Harry
sighed and went to look for Ginny, the sanest person he knew in this huge
house.
##
Hermione
walked into the flat, heard Ron, and immediately felt all the bliss shed gained
so effortlessly in Nepal with Snape that day float away.
Even if suddenly she was wondering if a dead woman would always be between
them. Every time she went back and
he kissed her, he did it like he was really there, but was he thinking of
Lily? She knew what it was to have
a love you couldnt have. But then
fate had surprised her and shed gotten Ron after all, and it had been good—until
it wasnt, turning from good to bad so slowly she hadnt noticed until it was
too big to miss.
Snape
never got to have that. Lily would
always be some sort of...saint.
Never attained. Never grown
tired of.
Hermione? Rons voice was like nails on a
chalkboard. Whered you put my socks? he asked, peeking out of their bedroom
at her.
Where
did I put your socks? I imagine that if I had anything to do
with the location of your socks, youd find them in your sock drawer. She slammed her bag down and walked into
the kitchen. I think the better
question is where did you put your
sodding socks.
He
came out and stared at her. Well,
if I knew where I put my sodding socks, do you think Id be asking you?
This
was the point in one of their arguments where one or both of them usually
started laughing.
This
was the point where whatever stupid thing they were fighting about was brushed
under the carpet—where his bloody socks were probably hiding along with
every issue theyd never addressed.
I
cant do this anymore. She turned
and walked into the childrens room.
Hugo smiled when he saw her, reached for her and she picked him up and
walked over to Rose, slipping her hand onto her head and stroking her long red
hair.
Look,
Ron said as he walked into the room.
If its such a problem, Ill buy more socks. I didnt mean to upset you.
She
felt as if she was a million miles away, only her hold on Hugo and her rhythmic
stroking of Roses hair keeping her grounded. She put Hugo on the floor to crawl about
and walked back into the main room.
What
is wrong with you?
Im
leaving.
You
just got back.
No,
not for the day. Im leaving. Really leaving. She took a deep breath. I want a divorce.
Over
socks?
This
isnt over socks. It really isnt
about you, at all. Its me. Ive found something—
Something
or someone?
She
had to think about that. Snape was
someone she wanted, but he might never be hers. But Nepal, learning, growing: those were
things she could claim. What
happened with Snape would happen as it was meant to, the way she wanted or not,
who knew? What happened in Nepal, she could control. Something. A place to study.
Its in Nepal with some monks.
They have a way of doing magic that is really different. And I need to be there.
And
youre just going to leave?
Cheerio, all, Im off to Nepal?
Ill
get a flat in town. Ill be able to
have the children there when its my turn with them.
Youre
serious. Youd leave?
Ron,
I have to. Im suffocating.
He
just stared at her.
Im
sorry. But I dont want to be
married to you, anymore. I need to
do this for myself. I know that
makes me selfish. I know its not
what you want to hear. And Im
sorry. But I have to go.
If
you can do this to me, to the children, then youre not really a
Gryffindor. I always knew it,
though. You should have let the hat
sort you into Ravenclaw the way it wanted to. You care more for knowledge than you do
for anything else.
You
know, Ron, thats really not the insult you think it is. But coming from a true Gryffindor, I
doubt youll ever realize that.
She took a deep breath. I
loved you. I did. And I still care. And we have the children.
The
children who will stay with me.
She
could feel her face getting tighter.
Until Ive settled into a new place, thats fine. But once Ive settled, then well share
the time.
Says
you?
She
wanted to reach for the Time-Turner.
Start this over so the conversation went better. Or maybe take his memory away
and—
And
what? She could imagine Sonams voice right now. Talking about small sins.
Ron,
Im not happy. Im sorry. I wish I were. But Ive found something that I want,
and I need to pursue it. Well
figure out the situation with the children when you arent so angry at me.
I
will always be angry at you.
I
dont think you will. She looked
around the room. Was there anything
she couldnt bear to lose? Because
she wouldnt put it past him to toss her things into the rubbish bin out of
anger: he was that hurt.
No,
shed d let him do what he had to do.
And shed replace whatever she lost if she needed to.
The
one thing she could never replace was what she was leaving. That should bother her more than it did,
which probably meant it really was time to leave.
Im
sorry, Ron.
Just
get out. You know: my mother never
liked you. His face was blotchy,
the way it got when he was truly upset.
This was anger but fueled by hurt, not any petty meanness.
Goodbye,
Ron. Im sorry.
She
disapparated before she could make it worse.
##
Harry
was sitting with Ginny at the Burrow when Ron apparated in front of them. Is
it you? he asked, staring daggers at Harry.
Is
what me?
He looked at Ginny, who shrugged.
Hermione. Her other fellow, because I know she
must have one. Is it you?
Ginny
scowled at him. Ron, sit down here
right now.
He
sat. His eyes were red and his face
was blotchy. Harry thought there
was only one thing that could make him this upset.
She
left you?
Yes,
and how the bloody hell do you know that?
Did she tell you?
No. I havent talked to her in weeks. I see her at the Ministry and shes
always in a hurry. And looking extremely...happy. More happy than a good
meditation could account for, perhaps? But who would
she be seeing in Nepal? Sonam
didnt seem like the type to mess with someones wife. Maybe it was someone here. But...who? He never saw her with anyone.
Ginny
took Rons hand. Shes been
unhappy for some time.
She told you that?
She
didnt have to. I could tell. And shes been pulling away from
me. The way you do when your best
friend is also the sister of the man youre thinking of leaving. She moved over, drew him into a gentle
hug. Im so sorry, Ron.
Ron
buried his face in her shoulder for a moment, then
looked over at Harry. You swear it isnt you?
Its
not me, Ron. If she does have
someone, I dont know who it is.
Well,
I know where it is. Nepal. Nepal? Who the hell goes to Nepal?
Harry
tried not to look guilty, probably failed miserably. Fortunately, Ron was warming up for a
good rant and didnt seem to notice.
To
learn magic, the monks way. At her age? Shes leaving me and
the children to go be a student again. In what reality is that rational?
Harry
shrugged.
And
monks? Really? Im supposed to believe that? Some rich Nepalese is more likely. Or maybe its Viktor. I bet she never got over him, thats
what I think.
Hes
married to someone on my old team, Ginny said gently.
Well,
married people fall in love with other people, dont they? He was shouting now, and Molly came to
the door.
Whats
all the fuss out here?
Hermiones
left Ron, Ginny said, sharing a strange look with her mother.
Well,
thats terrible. Come on,
Ronald. Come talk to your mum about
this. Ill make your favorite
cookies while you tell me all the details. She smiled at Harry and Ginny as she led
Ron into the house.
She
didnt seem too surprised.
She
was surprised they ever got married.
Thought Hermione would get bored of Ron and leave. Took her a lot longer to do that than
mum gave her credit for. Ginny
curled up next to him. I was
surprised when they got together, too.
Really? Why?
He
wasnt very nice to her, Harry. If
youd ever treated me the way he treated Hermione, Id have thrown you out a
window.
Harry
laughed. He could be relentless
with the teasing.
Ginny
nodded. Do you think she has found
someone?
I
dont know. Maybe she just needed
to find herself again? He
frowned. Ron didnt bring Hugo and
Rose with him, did he? And if
Hermiones gone...?
You
know how well he looked after Scabbers. God knows what theyre doing back at the
flat. She let Harry pull her up,
and he apparated them to Rons flat.
The
children were sitting in their room, neither crying but looking extremely
confused. Harry picked up Hugo, and
Ginny took Rose by the hand.
Lets
get you back to the Burrow, Ginny said gently, and Rose buried her face in
Ginnys stomach and started to cry.
I
know, pet. I know. Everythings fine now. Ginny shared a look with Harry and he
shook his head.
This
reminded him too much of being left alone after his parents were
killed. He kissed Hugo on the
cheek. You all right, big
guy? He blew on Hugos neck, and
his nephew laughed and laughed.
Lets
get them home, Harry. They can stay
with us, cant they, if Ron needs some time?
Of
course they can. The more the
merrier.
We are not having
another, she said,
mock glaring at him.
Whatever
you say, dear.
Part Ten
Hermione
found Harry in his office. I need
a favor.
He
eyed her warily. Do I have to lie
to Ron about it? Hes just starting
to calm down after you left last month.
Yes. Sorry. One last time, hopefully. I need to borrow something. Do you have your invisibility cloak
here?
Why
would I keep it here?
Because
youre too smart to leave it anywhere James might find it.
Harry
smiled. Well, thats true. He studied her, finally opened one of
his desk drawers and pulled it out.
Why do you need it?
Rescue
mission.
Do
you need help?
She
laughed. Harry, this is why you will always be my best friend. You dont even ask what Im doing
first. You just want to know if you
can help.
Well,
can I? He handed her the cloak.
No. I need to do this alone. But Ill tell you all about it when Im
done. Its something you probably
need to know, anyway.
He
seemed to be waiting for her to say more, and when she didnt, asked, Where
are you going to live, now that youre not at the flat?
Nepal.
Oh. He frowned. With the nuns?
Not
exactly. Ill explain later, I
promise. She held up the cloak.
Thank you for this. You
have no idea what it means.
Just
bring it back when youre done.
I
will. She was overcome with a
sudden need to hug him and walked around the desk, leaned down, and pulled him
close. I love you, Harry. Im so glad we met all those years ago.
His
smile faded as she pulled away.
Hermione, now youre scaring me.
This rescue mission...what—
Its
nothing. Really. Thank you. She smiled easily, walked slowly as if
nothing was urgent, but once the door was closed, she hurried to the alley, and
disapparated as quickly as she could. He would not have let her leave
alone if he wormed any of the truth from her. Just to make sure, she Time-Turned an
hour back. That should give her
plenty of time before he could show up, intent on helping her—or stopping
her, or possibly both, if he started wondering what kind of rescue mission
needed an invisibility cloak.
She
hurried up the walk and into the temple.
Steeling her resolve, she walked over to where Tenzing sat. She noticed the other monks that sat
nearby rose, bowed, and left them alone.
Why
do they do that?
Because
I am in charge here. And they
presume you wish to speak to me privately.
Youre
in charge?
Tenzing
nodded. How else do you think I
got the great Minister of Magic to receive me?
She
processed that. She probably should
have realized he was in charge, but hed never said and shed just assumed he
was what he seemed to be: a lowly monk.
Then again, thats exactly how he might see himself, position notwithstanding. Its Tenzing Rinpoche, isnt it?
It
is. But you can call leave off the
honorific. I dont mind hearing my
name by itself on occasion.
She
sat in front of him. So you were
found on search, werent you? The
way Sonam is searching for Momo Rinpoche?
I
was. Many, many years ago.
Do
you remember? Those other lives I
mean.
I
have been on this earth a long time, Hermione. And I have learned to do things that
some would consider astounding. It
is a function of being one with the all, nothing I can claim credit for, other
than through persistence and faith.
Not
a bad combination.
No,
not at all. Look at us, for
instance. Who would have thought we
would end up such good friends after our rocky start?
She
felt herself blushing. I am sorry
about the stupefying charm. It was
stupid.
No. If you were to do it now, knowing what
you know, then yes, it would be stupid.
But where you were then—well, you needed it, thats all. He met her eyes. What else do you need, my dear?
She
didnt look away. You know that
Im the one who goes back? To save Snape.
Of
course I know. Im the one who
gives you what you need. I just
wondered how long it would take for you to figure that out. For the record, it took you less time
than I thought.
She
didnt answer right away and saw him smile, as if he was proud of her for not
blurting out whatever protest came into her mind. Finally she said, Time is
confusing. And I think perhaps a
bit limiting as a concept.
That,
my dear, is the wisest thing you have ever said. He laughed, the joyous laugh that had
charmed her from the beginning, even as his non-answers had vexed her. Do not question how the egg comes
before the chicken. Time is not a
line, but a serpent eating its own head.
And
a serpent is the problem. I healed
Harry of Naginis bite, but she didnt inject him with
much venom, enough to make him pliable, not to kill him. Not like what she did to Snape.
I
know. He handed her a little
silver bottle. This is what you
need.
She
sniffed it cautiously. It smells
like dittany. Dittany wont work.
This
dittany will. It has something
special in it. It will save
him. Or rather, you will save him
with the help of this potion.
She
took a deep breath. Dont tell him
where Ive gone. Ten years...its a
long time. I did it before, though,
right? But...did I come back? And how old would she be when she got
back? If using the Time-Turner
really did age someone?
May
I give you something? It will be
permanent. Like this. He turned over his arm and she noticed
for the first time that he had a tattoo.
It was like the ceremonial tool the monks used, the one that seemed to
be two crowns with the tops facing out and set on a short wand, symbolizing the
thunderbolt of enlightenment. Only
this had two wands, each with its set of crowns, forming an X.
Is
that a dorje?
A
double dorje. It will help you find
your way there and back. Consider
it...an amplifier.
Thats
how you do it, isnt it? Spread
yourself out so the spells cant find you?
No,
its not. But it is how I find my
way back when Ive ventured too far.
He took her hand for a moment.
I will not tell Snape you are going, but you must.
Why?
Hell stop me.
He
will try. And you will
prevail. Because
you will do anything to save him.
And he will know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that you love him. And you will know, beyond any shadow of
a doubt, that you would die for him if need be.
How
do you know I love him?
Why
else would you go back in time to save him?
And
all the while not knowing if he loves me.
She looked down. He still loves
Lily.
And
you will do this anyway, wont you?
She
nodded. Hes worth saving. Even if I can never be her.
Tenzing
pulled her into a hug, and she froze, surprised he would do this. Be glad you can never be her. She was human, not some
bodhisattva. Someday he will open
his eyes and realize the perfect woman of his dreams is an illusion. Nothing more.
But
not today.
Probably
not today, no. He let her go. May I mark you?
She
nodded.
Hold
out your hand, palm up.
When
she did as he said, he settled his own arm over hers, clasping just under the
elbow. She did the same, and
suddenly felt a burning, like hot needles going very fast over her skin.
It
hurts, Tenzing said, sympathy in his voice. I remember.
And
then it was over. She held her arm
out and saw a perfect replica of his double dorje.
When
you need it, visualize it being there on your arm. When you dont, visualize your arm the
way it was. It will come and go—that
is why you have not seen mine before now.
She
visualized it gone and it faded away.
She imagined it there again, and the ink darkened until the image was
whole. How does it work with the
Time-Turner?
Make
sure it is visible. Then imagine it
radiating golden rays, like when the sun hits brass. Try it.
It
took a while, but suddenly the image turned from an outline to being filled
with what looked like liquid gold.
It
shines like the sun.
No,
it shines like the whole. The sun
is but half of the whole. He
smiled. We use brass often here,
not gold, not silver. Do you know
why?
She
shook her head.
Brass
is an alloy of copper and zinc. The orange of the sun and the silver of the moon. It is everything, in one very useful
metal. He touched the shining
tattoo on her arm. Once it is
glowing like this, you can use the Time-Turner. Each twist will give you years instead
of hours. If you let the glow fade
some—try it for me—it would give you months instead of years.
She
got the brass to gleam less. Then
she took it another step down.
He
nodded. Yes, days instead of
months.
Ill
have this forever?
He
nodded.
But
I may not have the Time-Turner forever.
It
doesnt matter. You will have an
interesting time discovering what else your mark will amplify. Now, go say goodbye to Severus.
##
Snape
was practicing moving a feather with his mind instead of his wand. It was hard, so much harder, than the
magic he had mastered so many years ago.
He had to become one with the feather, not just order it about.
He
slowed his breathing, reached out with his mind for the feather and felt nothing.
How
in blazes was he supposed to become one with something that had no essence to
speak of?
Then
he thought of Tenzings favorite saying.
Everything you need is within you.
So,
maybe he wasnt supposed to become one with the feather out here. Maybe he was supposed to seek the
connection internally. This wasnt
such a strange thought. Hed long
ago found the best cure for hiccoughs was to sink into himself and find the spasming spot on the diaphragm and...accept it, welcome it, surround it with—God, it
sounded as whimsical as these monks to say love, but that was what he felt it
was. And unlike when hed tried
other methods to stop them, like holding his breath or having a spoonful of
sugar or drinking from the other side of the glass—all methods that were
trying to force the hiccoughs to stop—going inside and becoming one with them
gave them permission to stop.
And
they invariably did. With no drama
and none of the vexation of a spasm that had gone on too long and started to
hurt—in addition to making that horribly undignified popping sound.
He
sank into himself the same way he would have for hiccoughs. Pictured the feather, tried to recreate
it as closely as he could. Then he
visualized it floating gently off the grass.
Wow.
He
opened his eyes. The feather was
not just floating, it was actually moving in time with the soft sound of
chanting and bells and gongs coming from the temple. It was, to be honest, quite a lovely
sight.
Hermione
sank down next to him. Youre
getting good.
He
shrugged. Its not as if Im
working with lead weights. A
feather is, after all, feather light.
Cant
you ever just accept a compliment?
And a feather is the heaviest thing of all if youre measuring your soul
against it.
He
held out his arm where the dark mark lay as a scar now, not a tattoo. I lost my soul. Remember?
Dont
be daft. Thats just a mark. She held out her arm and as she stared
at her inner forearm, a mark of her own became apparent.
What
have you done?
Tenzing
gave it to me. He has one,
too. Its an...amplifier.
Im
afraid I dont have room for one.
He ran his fingers over the dark mark, smiled ruefully.
You
wish that were gone?
More
than anything.
Then
let me. She reached for his hand.
And
how are you going to accomplish what so many others have not been able to,
Granger? The mark is permanent.
You
really are a stupid man sometimes, Snape.
She was clearly angry. Give
me that, she said as she twisted his arm so the dark mark showed fully. She slapped her arm down on his, tattoo
to scar, and clasped her hand around his arm just under the elbow.
He
found himself doing the same.
You
dont have to wallow in this. Then
she closed her eyes, and he felt power surge between them, and her arm become
blindingly, horribly hot.
He
moaned and she whispered, Im sorry.
Itll only hurt for a moment.
Then he thought she said even more softly. I think.
She
thought? He tried to pull away but
she was surprisingly strong for being so slim. He felt something jolt through him, and
he was overcome with dizziness.
And a feeling of utter, wonderful lightness. As if hed never, ever lived in the
dark.
That
faded quickly, but the peace remained even as the shadows he truly was
comfortable living in returned.
She
pulled her arm away. Look at
it. Her voice was full of
awe—and extreme self-satisfaction and not a little surprise. Look at what weve done.
We. Shed said it with no apparent
thought. He looked down at his arm,
was stunned to see his dark mark gone.
And in its place, the same mark as she wore.
Youre
the advanced one. Play with it
while Im gone. Visualize it not
showing on your skin, then showing. Visualize it glowing gold—only
its brass. Did you know brass
blended night and day?
Youre
babbling, Granger.
She
laughed. I know. Im nervous.
He
could feel his smile drop. Im
sorry if all that touching made you twitchy.
She
punched his shoulder. We really
need to work on your self esteem.
Im scared because I have to do something, and you arent going to like
it, and Im not sure its really that achievable—except, well, I did it
once, didnt I?
What
are you talking about?
I
have to go back. And save you.
Im
sitting right here.
Yes,
but I think thats because I went so far back, and its hard to tell where the present
line stops and the future line begins.
Or...something like that. Its not easy like rescuing Sirius
was. The timeline was so short
then. It was a breeze to figure out
the points of origin. She met his
eyes. I was the one who rescued
you. That was my perfume you
smelled.
You
cannot Time-Turn ten years, Hermione.
But
I did. I know it. And you know it, too. Its the only thing that makes
sense. She stroked her new
tattoo. And this will help. Tenzing told me.
Tenzing
is an old woman when it comes to interfering. Hes as bad as Dumbledore. Except he wasnt. Tenzing didnt seem to have any goal
that Snape could see. If he was using them, it wasnt at all apparent why.
And
Tenzing appeared to actually like him.
Snape had spent his whole friendship with Albus wondering what he saw in
him. And then, at the end, it had
been apparent. Snape had been a
tool, a weapon, a pawn to be moved around Albuss chess board. But
never, ever just a man. Never just a friend.
I
have to go. Hermione touched his
face. I wish I could go even
further and give you Lily back. Make
your life better.
My
life is as it is. That, at least,
he had learned from his time here.
It may not have been a particularly pleasant life, but it is mine. And I made my own choices and walked my
own path.
She
took his hand. Still, I wish I
could.
You
have already made it immeasurably better simply by being in it the last few
months.
She
smiled. I love you. I just want to say that in case I dont
come back.
You
dont have to go.
I
do. Ill feel like I let some other
Hermione down if I dont.
He
wanted to stop her. Wanted to
forbid her to go. But she would
just Time-Turn back a bit and go from there. He knew her—and it is what he
would have done if someone tried to stop him under similar circumstances. I hate time travel.
Believe
me, I do, too. She started to get
up, and he could tell she was surprised when he stopped her.
Hermione,
I dont need Lily. I...love you.
Oh,
thats so very sweet of you. And
also a lie. She kissed him—and
he suddenly wished theyd done more than kissing. Why hadnt they done more? But its a nice lie. She stood. Wish me luck? Please?
Good
luck, my dear.
She
pulled out the Time-Turner, patted her pocket as if checking for something, and
then she pulled out a folded piece of silvery cloth and shook it out. It was a cloak, and when she put it
around her shoulders and pulled it tight, she disappeared.
Can
you see me?
No,
but if thats Potters invisibility cloak, thats the idea, isnt it?
Okay. Ready, then. She pushed the hood back a bit and one
side of the cloak away, and stared down at her arm. The tattoo began to glow, brighter and
brighter until he had to shield his eyes.
Oops,
I think that might be decades, not years.
She grinned sheepishly. Me
coming on too strong: imagine that?
The tattoo began to fade till it was still a bright gold but did not
hurt his eyes.
She
stared at him. Seemed to be
memorizing him. And then she seemed
very far away. He could almost
imagine what she was seeing. Him,
in that damned Shrieking Shack. Dead. Or nearly so. If she saved him, then
only nearly so.
She
turned the Time-Turner ten spins back and was gone.
He
instantly felt hollow inside—and stupid. Why had he let her go? How
could he have let her go?
He
stood, stalked around the temple complex until he found Tenzing. How dare you!
She
would have it no other way. I made
sure she had what she needed to get the job done.
She
thinks Im redeemable, you daft fool.
She thinks she can save me from more than just death. Make me a better man.
Severus,
she thinks nothing of the sort. Do
you know what she said to me? That
you were worth saving. Does that
sound like someone looking to make you over?
Snape
took a deep breath. She shouldnt
have gone. I shouldnt have let her.
As
if you could have stopped her.
Shes a lovely, vibrant woman who cares for you. And more importantly is every bit as
quick and intelligent and determined to get her way as you are. If she went back to save you, its
because she wants to—and its because she loves you.
Well,
she shouldnt. What good have I
ever brought anyone who loved me?
Tenzing
looked him square in the eyes, put both hands on his shoulders, and said, My
friend, tell me: who in this life has loved you? Who have you ever had the luxury of
hurting that way?
Snape
felt as if Tenzing had stabbed him.
Until
now, the monk said softly. Until
you found this place at this time with this woman. Until you came here to
be with us. You are where
you are because this is the place you should be. If you hurt her or not: so be it. At least try.
Im
not sure I can.
Tenzing
nodded as if this answer was not unexpected. He turned to go, then looked back. Did she tell you she has left her
husband?
What? No.
Yes,
several weeks ago. Do you know why
she didnt tell you?
Snape
shook his head.
She
thinks it is because she believes you do not love her. And that is true—she does believe that
you will never let her in completely while you can remember Lily. But that is not why she left him. It is because finally Hermione is making
a choice that is strictly for herself. Whether or not you decide to be with her
if she gets back from this rescue mission, is entirely
up to you—and will have no bearing on the fact that when it was time to
make the choice, she chose growth instead of stagnation. The most humane way she could.
If she gets back?
Tenzings
look sobered. There is no
guarantee she will come back. She
saves you, that much we know. But
does she exist past this point?
Only time will tell.
Snape
felt his stomach knot. He had far
too much experience with people he cared for not surviving. Make sure she does come back. He could barely get the words out.
I
can only do so much, my friend.
Snape
stared at him, unwilling to believe that.
Make sure she comes back, Tenzing.
Or there will be hell to pay.
##
Hermione
pulled the cloak around her as she materialized in the Shrieking Shack. Snape lay
before her, Harry, Ron, and her much younger self staring at him.
Harry
knelt down, needed something to put the blue essence in. Hermione remembered this moment. Shed handed Harry an empty flask when
all along shed had the dittany in her bag and never once considered using it
on Snape.
Hed
been the enemy, after all. The hated one.
Voldemorts voice sounded all around her, and shed been
expecting it so she didnt jump but the other three did. They took off, leaving Snape alone.
And still breathing.
If theyd only bothered to look.
Idiots,
she murmured under her breath, then she pushed the
cloak over her shoulders, impatiently shoved the hood off, and pulled the
enhanced dittany out of her pocket.
Snape
lay unmoving and she knew that could be a side effect of the poison. Hed said hed been blind, so she
cleared her throat gently as she knelt next to him.
Its
going to be all right, she said softly as she poured the dittany on the
puncture wounds Nagini had made. It took forever, but they finally
closed.
Who?
Youre
going to be sick for a while. But
youre not going to die. You need
to find shelter as soon as your vision comes back. Lay low, do you understand me?
It will be dangerous for you.
He
nodded. She considered that
progress compared to the corpselike way hed been lying before.
This
is important, Severus. Do not get
caught. And in ten years—in 2008--you
must go to the temple in Nepal.
Which
temple in Nepal?
Its
just outside of Katmandu.
There
are a hundred—
His voice abandoned him.
I
know there are a hundred bloody temples there. Would you let me finish?
He
nodded weakly.
Ask
for Tenzing at each one. Itll be a
good exercise. Theyll be Tibetan
monks and nuns. Youll know by the
yak-butter smell—its a lot like popcorn.
She
could see he was fading out.
2008. Nepal. Tenzing. She couldnt help herself; she leaned
down and kissed him. Made sure it
was the best kiss she could give him—let Lily compare with that.
He
moaned—happily, she thought.
She
touched his forehead. Youre safe
here for now. Im pretty sure no
one comes back here during the rest of this battle. But leave as soon as youre strong
enough to apparate, do you understand?
He
nodded. As she got up to leave, he
reached out for her hand. Thank
you.
Youre
welcome. Now get well and keep your
head low. She was afraid that
seeing him lying there so helpless would distract her from the focus needed to
make a ten-year jump, so she walked out into the hallway and nearly ran into
one of the Death Eaters, trying to find a bolt hole, apparently.
The
cloak wasnt back on all the way; she was clearly visible.
The
Death Eater lifted his wand.
She
reached for hers, felt the familiar slide of the polished wood.
They
attacked at the same time. The
streams of energy did not cross and engage each other, so they each got direct
hits: she to his chest, he to her stomach.
He
fell and did not get up. She was
sent to her knees by the pain, held her hand against her gut and could feel
blood seeping.
Damn
it all. She tried to push herself
to her feet and the feeling of tearing skin made her stop. She could feel even more blood.
She
had dittany. But it had something
else in it. Would it be safe? Why hadnt she asked Tenzing what hed
put in the mix? Although
he would have just answered with another question.
She
got the flask out. Most of it was
gone, used on Snape. But she put
her fingertip against the lip and turned it, then gingerly laid her finger
against her stomach.
The
burning was immediate. Dittany did
not do that. She shoved the flask
back into her pocket: it was useless.
She
held her arm out: the tattoo wasnt even visible. She tried and tried to make it show
up. It didnt.
Panic
filled her. Why hadnt she
practiced more? She never just
winged it, why in blazes had she started now?
Then
she imagined Tenzings voice, his joyful smile. Focus, he seemed to be saying.
She
stared at her arm, focused on her breath, calming her heart rate, slowing the
blood loss. The ink began to
appear. When it finally was whole
and dark, she worked on filling it with the golden light.
The
best she could get was a dun color.
Please?
Nothing.
She
thought of home. Of her parents who
were frightened of her. Of Ron who hated her.
Of her children, who were probably confused why she wasnt there with
them.
The
ink started to fade.
No, good things only.
She thought of Harry. Of his friendship.
Of Ginny and how she didnt seem to hold Hermiones abandonment of Ron
against her. Of Sonam and his
quiet, earnest way of explaining things.
Of Tenzing and his interminable questions. Of Snape.
Of Snape.
She
imagined a happy life with him. A life where he loved her. A life unfettered and full of challenge.
The
tattoo began to change to a deeper color, golden and brighter with every
second. When it finally hit the
right color, she turned the Time-Turner ten turns in the return direction.
She
arrived back in Nepal, where shed left Snape. He wasnt there and she started to
laugh. At least, shed made it
here. To die, probably, but shed
made it back.
Hermione,
Tenzings voice rang out, and then there was the sound of running.
She
felt strong arms lift her up, heard Snape say, Shes hurt badly.
She
smiled at him. An
Ive lost a lot of blood and am quite giddy smile. Youre still here.
Where
else would I be, you nitwit. After
your daring rescue.
Didnt
go so well afterwards.
You
got back, didnt you? Now stop
talking and let us work on you.
His very worried face was the last thing she saw before she blacked out.
##
Will
she be all right? Snape asked Tenzing, as the temple healers worked on her.
I
think so.
Snape
began to pace, occasionally stopping to watch what the healers were doing. Hermione looked just as she had when
shed left—no sign that traveling ten years to the past and back again
aged a person—but she was terribly pale.
Tenzing
moved over to his side, gently took him by the arm, and steered him out. Come, my friend. You are unnerving them with all your
glares.
Im
not leaving her.
Well
be just out here. He drew Snape
outside to the steps that led up to this part of the temple. Shes a very strong woman. She made it back, which was the hardest
thing. She made it back in that
condition.
I
know. He turned to glare at
Tenzing. She should never have
gone in the first place.
Tenzing
apparently decided not engaging was the wisest course of action.
Sonam
came rushing up the stairs, stopped when he saw them sitting there. Shes not...
Shes
alive, Snape said. No thanks to
this one.
Sonam
closed his eyes and exhaled loudly.
He appeared to be exceedingly fond of Hermione. Snape suddenly found himself wondering
just how fond. Did these monks
takes vows of celibacy?
Hermione
would have told him if shed been carrying on with Sonam, wouldnt she?
Sonam
sat down on a lower step, leaning against the wall and letting his legs extend
along the step. What happened?
Wand
fight. Stomach wound.
Sonam
grimaced. I hate those. At Snapes confused look, he said, I
was a wizard before I came here.
Oh. I didnt realize.
Tenzing laughed. And with that one
statement, Sonams credibility just took a giant
leap, didnt it? If only I could
claim such a thing.
You
have credibility. It does not
prevent you from being entirely annoying, but you have it. Snape looked up as one of the healers
came out. Is she...?
Awake. The healer eyed him somewhat
nervously. Shes asking for you.
He
was up and inside before the healer could say more. He found she had been
moved to a bed, was tucked in well, her wild hair streaming over the
pillow. How are you?
You
should see the other guy.
Is
he dead?
She
nodded.
Excellent. Will save me from stealing your
Time-Turner and hunting him down.
She
smiled. Would you do that?
Well,
I dont know what he looks like. I
suppose I could invade your mind to find out and then go hunt him down.
Can
you wait till Im feeling stronger?
He
nodded and sat in the chair an attendant brought over. I was extremely worried.
I
was, too. She blinked hard, and he
realized she was starting to cry.
Oh, bother, I swore I wouldnt do this.
Its
all right to cry. You dont have to
be strong all the time.
Says
the man who never cries.
I
cry. Just not where anyone can see
me. I wept like a babe after I
killed Dumbledore. He looked down,
then met her eyes. Id have done the same if you hadnt
come back.
Really?
Of
course, you ninny. Dont you know
how much you mean to me?
She
shrugged, then made a face. Ow.
He
leaned down, being very careful not to put any weight on her, and kissed
her. I love you, Hermione.
Tell
me that when youre not getting over being scared I was going to die. She smiled. Now kiss me again.
I
believe you have a quota.
Kiss
me, damn it.
He
kissed her. Then he whispered in
her ear. Sonam was extremely
concerned for you. Are you sleeping
with him?
Yes,
she whispered back. I have a
weakness for bald men in maroon and yellow robes. She laughed and then immediately
moaned. Oh, bloody hell, that hurt.
Serves
you right.
She
looked at him and said softly, I am not sleeping with him. Hes my teacher. And my friend.
Good.
So
you would mind?
I
would most definitely mind. He
touched her face, hoped she wouldnt realize he was doing it to reassure
himself that she was real and warm and alive.
That
he hadnt lost her.
Its
okay. Im still here. Her eyes were full of something that he
wasnt used to seeing. He realized
it was compassion.
And
love.
Go
to sleep, dearest. Ill be here
when you wake.
You
need sleep, too.
Ill
be here when you wake. No arguments
now. He took her hand in his when
she seemed to be fighting him.
Indulge me, Granger.
Fine. What I put up with. She was smiling as she drifted off.
Snape
heard footsteps, saw Sonam coming up.
Shes going to be fine.
Good. I would miss her if anything
happened. He looked at Snape. I trust I do not have to give the
standard warning of If you hurt her etcetera etcetera etcetera, do I?
What
are you? Her minder?
Sonam
nodded. He smiled at Snape then left
him alone with Hermione.
Snape
sat at her side as hed promised, making sure she was comfortable—even as
he grew less so in the hard chair.
He
was unaccountably touched when an attendant brought him a cup of tea.
Yak
butter, of course. But beggars
couldnt be choosers.
Part Eleven
Hermione
knew Snape was watching her as she moved around the room Tenzing had given her. Shed apparated—against Snapes
wishes—back to her flat to get some clean clothes and some other things
she thought she might need. It had
been a week since shed been hurt, and she was tired of being treated like a
china doll that would shatter if knocked wrong.
And
truth to tell, apparating hadnt taken that much out
of her. She was stronger than she
looked, and the healers here were extremely good.
Why
didnt you tell me youd left Ron?
She
froze, was thinking of the right thing to say when he snapped, Answer now,
Miss Granger, the way he would have back at Hogwarts, and she blurted out,
Because I didnt want you to think it was because of you.
An
honest answer. Thank you. He sat down on the floor. So I dont have to hold myself culpable
for destroying your happy home?
She
sat next to him. It wasnt that
happy. Not at the end. She sighed. The sad thing is: Ron was happy. I was the problem.
He
made a sympathetic noise, and she hit him on the arm. He grinned at her and she grinned back,
unable to resist an expression she so seldom saw.
Then
his smile faded. Does Ron even
know you were hurt?
She
shook her head. The mood he was in
when I left, I dont know that hed care.
Does
he know where you are now?
In
general terms. Nepal. With some monks.
Ah. Left it vague, did you?
Can
you imagine him charging in here and finding you?
Actually,
yes. Its not a pretty picture.
Exactly. She leaned against him. He suspects theres someone, though.
I imagine he thinks its Potter.
He
gets jealous of Harry. Which is a
little amusing seeing as how he always had the thing Harry wanted most: a loving family and stability. She looked down. But I shouldnt laugh because Im
jealous of a dead woman so...
You
dont have to be.
I
still am. She took his hand in
hers but wouldnt meet his eyes.
What was she like?
In
the past, I would have said incomparable.
She
was beautiful. Ive seen pictures.
Yes,
she was. I loved her from the time
I was a boy to—
You
still love her. She sighed. I cant compete with a memory.
You
dont have to. Lily is gone. And you are here. And I realize what a blessing that is
since I almost lost you.
So
youre transferring your grief over her to me?
I
didnt say that. He sighed. Hermione, youre so different than she
was. What we have, its different
than what I had with her.
I
know.
That
doesnt mean its less. I certainly
never sat holding her hand while we talked about old loves.
She
laughed. If youre so crazy about
me, why dont you want to...you know?
What
makes you think I dont?
You havent made much of an effort to ... Oh bugger this. It was like being a teenager again. She started to get up and he pulled her
back down.
And kissed her. Very,
very thoroughly.
When
he pulled away, she ran her hand over his cheek. I want to. But...Ive only ever been with Ron.
My
condolences.
She
laughed.
He
leaned into her hand. Hermione,
its not as though Im a man about town on this subject.
But
youve been to town, yes?
He
laughed. Of course.
Oh. Good, then. She moved, so she was straddling him. Do you think well get into trouble if
we make love in this room?
I
think its highly likely.
But
Tenzing made us do that breathing exercise. I asked Sonam about it. Its a tantric exercise.
Snape
just laughed.
She
kissed him before asking, If you could go anywhere in the world, where would
you go?
For
what purpose?
She
rolled her eyes. Im being
romantic, you git. Where would you like our first time to
be?
Anywhere. I just need you.
Ive
never been to Tahiti.
Nor
have I.
Perfect. She frowned.
He
was smiling in a way that said hed arrived at the problem before she had. Going to be hard to apparate there if
neither of us know what it looks like and were this keyed up. He pulled her in for another kiss. I have an idea. Do you trust me?
She
nodded. But let me grab the
blanket. Once she had it, she
said, Okay, then. A moment later,
they were in the Forest of Dean.
But how did you...
I
may have been here before. A long time ago.
To deliver a sword.
That
was you? She smiled. You were always looking out for us.
Well,
for Potter at any rate. The rest of
you were incidental back then. If
Im honest.
And
I want you to be. She smiled and
began to unbutton his shirt. Have
I told you how much I like you?
I
am inordinately fond of you, as well, Miss Granger. The formality of the address was
contradicted by the fact that he had his hands under her shirt and was running
them up and down her back. And for
what its worth, Ive done this before, but never with someone I truly cared
about. Never like this.
She
spread the blanket out and they crawled onto it, all the while kissing and
removing whatever bits of clothing they could reach. She pushed him down, slid on top of him,
sighed as he lifted her up and settled her down and—there.
She
closed her eyes, heard him ask, Are you all right?
Oh, yes.
You?
Wonderful. Truly.
She
opened her eyes, saw him smiling at her in an open and
free way she wasnt sure shed ever seen.
She began to move and the smile changed into something more sensual.
She
closed her eyes, moaning as he kissed her, as he stroked her back and steadied
her as she finished, as he clutched her a moment later as he, too, found his
way home. He buried his head
against her chest, breathing hard.
She
laughed. And knew it was a strange
laugh. Almost a
defiant one.
She
was free. She was herself. She was in love. And she was happy.
He
was watching her with concern.
She
pulled him to her and kissed him hard.
I adore you.
He
smiled and pulled her down to cuddle.
A moment later, he smacked something on his arm. Mosquito, he said at her look. Why in Gods name did I think this
would be romantic?
She laughed. Because it is. Normally shed just do a spell to keep
the bugs away. She knew Snape would
have, too. What would Tenzing do
in this situation?
He
laughed. Become one with the
bugs? Not smash them, I daresay.
She
cuddled against him. It would seem
we still have a lot to learn.
He
nodded and kissed her hair. It
would indeed seem so. His voice
changed, became a bit tentative.
So we should probably stay in Nepal? Or I should.
She
pulled away so she could look at him.
I cant be there all the time.
I have children. And I do
love them.
I
know. And I dont think Weasley
will want me anywhere near them.
I
dont care. But it would probably
be good to let him cool off before we try anything like that.
Agreed.
Do
you like children?
Everyone
thinks I dont.
She
laughed. I know you were good to
your house.
I
saved those I could. It wasnt
enough, but it had to do. He
smiled at her. I do, for the
record, like children. I may not,
however, be very good around them.
You know how you reacted to me.
She
smiled. Ah, but the you of back
then was not involved in a blissfully sensual relationship with a certain
woman, a relationship that will make you very prone to smiling rather than
scowling.
He
shrugged, proving her point about how mellow he might become with the proper
attentions.
She
smiled. Well see how it
goes. Youre in my life. Thats enough if the children
and you dont take to each other. But
I have to be in their lives.
Of
course you do. Id never take a
mother away from a child. God
knows, my mother would win no prizes for maternal instincts, but she was still
important to me. He sighed. Ill see if I can find something close
to the temple for us. Tenzing told
me there were some other options for housing.
He
never stops matchmaking. She
smiled up at him. He also likes
you. I think he wants you around
because hes a little lonely.
Tenzing? Master of the Universal All?
She laughed. I know, its
inconceivable, but there it is. I
think he likes you quite a lot. I
think you like him quite a lot, too.
I
do. He sighed, a very contented
sigh. You make me happy,
Hermione.
You
make me happy, Severus.
Who
would have thought? He slapped at
his arm again. Oh bother
this. I have no intention of leaving
this place for quite some time, so Tenzing will just have to excuse the use of
this. He reached for his wand.
She
stopped him. Meet him
halfway. Use your mind to do it.
He
made a thoughtful face, and then seemed to be concentrating madly.
Suddenly,
they were surrounded by a lovely little bubble.
Well
done, you.
He
smiled. No bugs allowed.
How
did you make it?
I
tried to force it at first. The way
I would have with the wand. Then I
thought about just putting it together slowly, letting whatever bugs were on us
get out before I closed it up. The
way I might a garage door, if a bee has gotten in.
Nice.
I
thought so. He looked very pleased
with himself. Now, lets see what
other kind of magic we can get up to.
They found any number of creative ways to fill the day.
##
Snape
was sitting on the benches outside the temple when he heard someone cough
softly. He turned, expecting one of
the monks, and saw Potter standing in front of him.
And
Potter did not look surprised to see him.
So. You are alive.
Snape
was not sure what to do, so he just nodded.
To
his surprise, Harry came over and sat with him, although he turned so his legs
dangled over the bench. I love
this view.
Ah,
my two favorite visitors. Tenzing
came from God knows where and put a hand on both of them. Its been a long time, Harry. Good to see you.
Sir. Harry had the same star-struck look he
used to get around Dumbledore. At
least this time, Snape didnt think he was giving his loyalty to a man who
would hurt him.
Ill
leave you two to talk, Tenzing said.
But, sir, I thought you wanted to see me.
I got this message at the Ministry.
I
did. And now I have. So, Ill leave you two to talk.
Well,
the man was as subtle as a bull and as manipulative in his own way as Albus
ever was. But when he looked at
Snape, he gave him a gentle smile before walking back to the temple.
So,
Snape said, deciding to take some pity on Potter. I hear you named one of your sons after
me?
Albus
Severus. Youd like him, I
think. Hes very...serious. Harry looked down. Youd probably not like James
much. Too much like my father and
I.
The
only reason I never cared for you, Potter, is because you reminded me of your
father. I should have looked beyond
that.
Maybe. Its in the past anyway, right? Cant change that. Well, unless youre Hermione with a
Time-Turner. He startled Snape
with a friendly grin. Took me a
while to figure out just who she was going to rescue
when she borrowed my cloak. But it
came to me finally.
Snape
was unsure what to say.
Did
you try to break up her marriage?
No. I didnt even realize she was the woman
who saved me until she went back to do it again. I probably should have realized, but
Im...unaccountably stupid at times when it comes to women.
Not
a man alive who cant say that.
Harry sighed. Rons really
unhappy.
I
wish I could say I was sorry but of all of you, he was the—
Dont. Harry held up his hand. Whatever youre going to say, just
dont. I know how you felt about
him. About most of his family.
His
mum was all right. Seemed a fair
lady.
If
you werent Hermione. She never
really took to her.
Maybe
she knew Hermione was wrong for her boy.
Mollys not stupid.
Harry
shrugged. Maybe.
Are
you doing all right? Happy?
Harry
looked over at him. I am. I have a wife I love and children I
adore. Its funny: I first came to
Nepal seeking something, but everything I wanted, I found I already had.
Sometimes
we dont realize that until its too late.
Youre a lucky man if you can still enjoy it, Harry.
They
sat for a moment, and then Harry asked, You didnt like Hermione when we were
at Hogwarts, did you?
Snape
shot him an appalled look. Good
lord, no. What do you take me for?
Harry
looked relieved. Youll treat her
right?
I
should think youd be more worried about me.
Harry
laughed. I should probably be more
worried for anyone around you, the two of you together. At least youre here, where theyll
train you up right. He shook his
head. Part of me is sorry Im not
coming here still.
I
have a feeling youre always welcome.
I
know. I just sort of think I should
stick with Ron for a bit.
Solidarity and all that. He
took a deep breath. I dont plan
to tell him youre alive. He really
hates Slytherins enough without finding out one stole his wife.
I
didnt steal her. She left
him. She probably would have done
that even without my presence in her life.
Somehow,
I doubt that.
Snape
shrugged. At any rate, I
agree. Dont tell him. Will just be one more nail in the Slytherin coffin.
Harry
smiled. I was almost sorted into Slytherin.
Snape
couldnt hide the surprise he felt.
What?
Harry
nodded. The hat wanted to put me
there. I wanted to be Gryffindor.
Of
course.
Im
not sorry I was in the house I ended up in. But I do regret I didnt get to know you
better.
Now—you regret that now. You certainly did not regret it then.
Harry
smiled a bit ruefully. No, I
didnt, youre right. At any rate,
I thought you should know.
I
appreciate that. Snape studied the
man who had been his nemesis and greatest worry. You know, watching the three of you
when you were at school, I always thought that you and Hermione would be better
suited than Ron and she.
Shes
like a sister. My
best friend. Dont tell Ron
I said that.
Trust
me, I wont.
Harry
swung his legs around and got up, and then he held his hand out to Snape. I never got to say, sir, how brave I
think you were. Everyone says I was
the hero, but I got to live in the open.
I got to be the one everyone rallied around. Got to be lauded and do the right
thing. And you had to hide, the
whole time, and still do the right thing.
I cant imagine how lonely that was for you. So I just want to say thank you for what
you did for us.
Snape
took his hand. Youre welcome. Then he let go.
Oh
and you dont have to hide anymore.
I made sure that your contribution was known. Your sacrifices acknowledged.
Because
you couldnt have your son named after a traitor?
No,
sir. Harrys expression was very
like one of Tenzings when he was a little disappointed in Snape. Because it was the right thing to do.
##
Hermione
walked around the small little stone structure that was part of a cluster of
shelters. She and Harry had always
wondered what they were for, lying just far enough away from the temple to seem
like they were separate. So this
is your house?
This
is it. Snape smiled. I could use some help decorating it.
Ill
say. She smiled at him.
And
you can use the word our, you know.
I
can? And how would I use that
particular possessive. She laughed
as he pulled her into his arms.
As
in, Ah, Severus, man of my dreams.
He actually laughed when she rolled her eyes. She wasnt sure shed ever heard him
make such an easy, happy sound.
All right, something more akin to what you might actually say might be, So, you marginally satisfying man
who I have decided I love—
I
would not deem you marginally
satisfying.
Well,
Im glad to hear it. It is
maddeningly difficult to get to the point with you, Granger. You know that?
Ill
help you out. So, Severus, pain in
my neck, this is our house? She felt funny asking it despite the
cheeky way shed put it. She still
had moments where she did not want to presume and find humiliation waiting on
the other side of that presumption.
Yes,
Hermione, endless source of frustration, this is our house. He pulled
her closer. Frustration because
you so rarely listen to me when I am obviously older and clearly wiser.
I
have yet to see evidence of that.
Vexation
of vexations. He threw his hand
over his heart, looked up at the roof as if begging the heavens for mercy.
She
pushed him down onto the bed while he was busy overdramatizing. I think we should break this thing in.
If
you insist, he said with a long-suffering sigh, but he was already easing her
clothes off her, so she ignored it and got to work on his. Then he stopped her for a moment, a
truly puzzled look on his face.
Why me, Hermione?
She
could see he was serious. Because
youre smart.
There
are many smart people in the world, some closer to your age.
Stop
with the damn age thing. You know
it irritates me. She tried to
unbutton his trousers, and he stopped her again. What? You need more reasons than just your
sterling intelligence?
He
nodded. She could tell he was
trying for one of his more sarcastic looks but he failed utterly.
Because
you make me laugh in bed, which admittedly is the last thing I would have
thought we would do.
Laugh
or be in bed together.
Both. Oh, come on, you cannot seriously say
you envisioned me as a partner.
I
did not. But to my credit, I was
dealing with a pert young schoolgirl about whom I was most specifically not
supposed to envision future dalliances.
Whereas you could easily have had a schoolgirl crush. His mouth turned up into a half smile. I know: I am delusional.
She
laughed. You are. But witness: we are in bed and we are laughing. Now, may I please continue disrobing
you?
If
you insist. He pretended to be
bored, but as soon as enough of him was free of clothing, he pulled her on top
of him and moaned as they joined.
He
was, for someone who claimed to be not that experienced at this, bloody good in
the sack. Then again, the fact that
their tattoos had become not only visible but had also started to glow might be
helping that along. Tenzing had
said there were interesting other ways the tattoo could be used to amplify
things.
When
they were done, and they lay sweaty and sated in each others arms, she said
softly, Why you, Snape? Because I
love you.
He
met her eyes, smiled wistfully. It
is wonderful to hear that.
My
wish is that someday, in the future, if you ask me that again, and I tell you
that I love you, you say, I knew that.
And not act so surprised.
Wouldnt
you rather hear me say I love you, too?
She
thought about that. You have to
say it first some of the time. Too
many times its just a rote response, a Pavlovian
kneejerk. Oh, right, quite, I love
you, too, snookums.
He
laughed. Well, I do love you.
But
never as much as Lily.
He
shook his head slowly. You have
that backwards, Granger. I never
loved her as much as I do you. Oh,
yes, I idolized her and adored her and wanted her. I nearly died when she did. But I never knew her, because the girl I thought I knew better than anyone, that girl of course loved me back, and Lily most
assuredly did not. I never lay in a bed after wonderful, wonderful sex and
just...enjoyed talking with her. I
never had her, Hermione. Not like I have you. Not like I love you.
He
smiled, and it was an open and real smile: one of the rare ones. And Im not saying that because Ive
learned to make do, or because Im older and Ive been through a lot. Im
saying that because for the first time in my life, I know that I have someone
who can, when necessary, love me more than herself. Do you think it was lost on me that the
first thing out of your mouth when you came back, bloodied and alone, was
Youre still here?
Well,
my effort and potential death wouldnt have been worth much if you hadnt
been.
This
is true.
And
it could have been a statement of Ooh, look at how extremely skilled I
am. She pulled him to her for a
long kiss. Or it could have been
just as you said. Because, my dear
man, living without you if I could stop it: not an option.
There will come a time—
You
dont know that. I could go
first. I think that means we should
just be happy and enjoy what we have.
I
think you are most wise.
She
pulled her arm up so she could see the tattoo. I think you should make yours
glow. She worked on her own, making
it brighter and brighter, and his started to glow either because he was trying
to make it do so or because it was responding to hers.
His
look of surprise and pleased, Oh, Granger, well done, you, as he rolled her
to her back, let her know which it was.
##
Snape
sat next to Tenzing on the grass, looking out at the mountains and the
valley. It was an unusually
beautiful day; the sun was hitting the snow on the mountains just right,
turning them pink.
You
are content, my friend? Tenzing asked.
I
am.
But
you seem to have a question.
And
even if I hadnt had a question, that sort of statement would make me find
one. Snape smiled at Tenzing. I am wise to your ways.
So
you think. Tenzing took a deep
breath. It is good having you
here. Someone who
does not answer to me. Who
is my friend.
Have
I ever thanked you for welcoming me here?
Tenzing
shrugged that off. We welcome all
who seek.
Do
you befriend them too?
Not
as often. I must maintain my air of
mystery. Tenzings eyes crinkled
up as he tried not to laugh. But
you do have a question, Severus, so just ask it.
Something
has been bothering me. What I dont
understand is how Hermione healed me in the first place. I understand why dittany worked on
Harry—Nagini knew not to kill him, probably barely injected him with venom. But I was as good as dead. That snake gave me more than a lethal
dose.
Yes,
she did. Tenzing shook his
head. Dittany alone will not close
a wound like that. But perhaps with
something else?
What
else is there?
Some
energy restorers perhaps. To get
you on your feet and out of that shack.
Snape shot him a look. That alone
wouldnt do it.
No. That alone would not do it. Tenzing
began to make a slow, quiet hissing noise.
A few moments later, a little orange snake slithered into view.
Youre
a parselmouth?
Tenzing
nodded, holding out his hand and the little snake crawled onto it, then up his
wrist, coming to rest like a living bracelet. This is Cepla. She is a special little serpent. Her venom, while very weak when used in
defense against a human, is adequate for mice and other small beasts. He held her out to Snape. Take her.
Snape
put out his hand, and Cepla moved gently from Tenzing to him. Her scales sliding over his skin felt
almost like silk, and her little tongue moved in and out as she wrapped herself
around his wrist and seemed to go to sleep.
Her
venom, when combined with dittany, negates Naginis
venom. Not all at once: she is,
after all, a very small creature.
But in time.
Snape
rubbed his throat with his free hand.
Yes, in time. He sighed.
What
is it, my friend?
Hermione
thinks she thought up saving me, but you did, didnt you? I mean you brought us all together,
starting with Potter that day. Why?
Tenzing
shrugged. It is, at times, good to
be the head of the order and free to move around. Free to pay special visits on bright men
who will help me get you back.
Get
me back? You didnt know me then.
Severus,
I have lived so many lives. One at
a time and all at once, as I tried to explain to you when you tried your stupefying
charm on me—Hermione did that, too, by the way. So alike, you two. At any rate, I tried to explain that like
light, we have dual natures. We can
be soul, and swim in the wave of ourselves that spans Eternity, or we can be
physical and choose to be a particle, losing our connection with the all. Sure only of one thing: our location or
our speed in leaving it.
Snape
smiled. That is a bad paraphrasing
of quantum physics.
No,
quantum physics is a bad paraphrasing of Universal wisdom. Tenzing reached out and stroked
Cepla. Most of the time, I am
something in between. I am old
enough, close enough to moving on, that I can live as a wave even with my feet
on this earth. And therefore, your
magic had no target when you tried your spell.
You
had a point about friendship in all of this scientific mumbo jumbo?
I
did. I see all when I connect. I see the past. I see who I was. I see how I lived and who was important
to me. I see who they are now and
watch them as they struggle and as they fight. As they keep fighting, no matter what.
Snape
made a mocking face, the old one hed used at Hogwarts. The one that kept him
safe from having to show any kind of vulnerability.
Tenzing
took his shoulder and shook him slightly.
Severus, I have known you before and I watched you this life. I saw what you had to do, and I know how
much it cost you. And I know you
would have died alone if Potter and his friends had not come along. After everything you did: that was to be
your only reward? And sometimes,
sometimes I do not have to sit by and let my friends die. Sometimes, I can say, No. Not this time.
Snape
swallowed hard.
This
is karma, my friend.
I
thought karma was punishment.
It
is what is earned. Sometimes
punishment. Sometimes a
reward. Tenzing smiled. That woman is a reward. She will love you with fierce
abandon. And you will never, ever
bore her, although its possible you will drive each other crazy at times struggling
over who is in control. Tenzing
smiled, seemingly amused at the thought.
Have you finally no words?
You who are so quick to defend?
I... I just... Thank you. I wish I understood this all
better. I wish I... He shook his
head.
Sometimes
its better to speak in the language of the listener. Is this easier, my friend? Well done, thou good and faithful
servant. You have toiled long
enough, Severus. Time to rest. Or whatever that wonderful woman allows
you to do. Tenzing actually
laughed at that. A
simple, innocent, heartfelt belly laugh.
Youre
enjoying this far too much.
I
know. Indulge me. Life is fun sometimes.
Yes,
Snape said, as he saw Hermione walking out of the temple with Sonam, as she
gave Snape the sweetest smile imaginable and a little wave before continuing
on. Sometimes life is.
FIN