DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the
property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The
story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c)
2013 by Djinn. This story is Rated R.
For What ItÕs Worth
by
Djinn
It
was a shitty day and getting worse by the moment. Chapel strode through the grass to where
Jim and Spock were standing.
ÒStatus,
Chris?Ó
ÒStormÕs
coming in, but IÕm sure Spock told you that.Ó She looked up at the sky where the ion
stormÕs first purple-gray swirls could be seen. ÒThe gesinium
root on this moon is completely unsuitable for being synthesized.Ó
Jim
sighed. ÒSo we have to get it from
the outer moon.Ó He commed the ship.
ÒKirk to Enterprise.Ó
ÒScott
here, sir.Ó
ÒWeÕre
wasting our time, Scotty. The gesinium on this moon is no good. How long before the storm makes
transporting problematic.Ó
ÒIt
already has, sir. ItÕs moving in
much faster than we expected. I was
just about to hail you. Do you have
a place to shelter?Ó
Jim
looked at Spock who nodded.
ÒAffirmative.Ó
ÒThen
weÕll be back for you when the storm clears out.Ó
ÒProjection
on that?Ó
ÒEight
to twelve hours.Ó
ÒUnderstood. Get the ship out of danger, Scotty. WeÕll see you when this has cleared.Ó He turned to Chapel. ÒWe can fill our water containers from
the stream. What about food? Tell me you found something we can eat
down here because I hate those gel things I know Spock packed.Ó
She
nodded. ÒSeveral fruits are growing
just downstream. And I saw some
berries that scanned clean. You
could go hunt one of the rabbit-like things I spotted if you need to feel
manly.Ó She closed her
eyes—post-demotion hostility came out at the oddest moments. HeÕd been avoiding her since VÕger, as if theyÕd never spent time together on
Earth. Why the hell hadnÕt he
brought Len down with him for this? He and Len and Spock could have built a
campfire and sung stupid songs or whatever boys do when stuck in the
woods—or more likely a cave, since Spock would want them out of danger. Them being he and Jim. She doubted Spock cared one way or the
other about her.
Jim
shot her an annoyed look and said, ÒI think IÕll skip the hunting. WeÕre not going to be here that
long.Ó He turned to Spock. ÒWhere do you have for us to hole up?Ó
Spock
pointed up to the hills. ÒThere. The hillside is riddled with caves. I have scanned and there are several
that show no signs of recent animal habitation.Ó
ÒGood. While itÕs still safe to be out in the
open, letÕs collect what we need.
Spock, firewood, just in case.
IÕll take water detail.Ó He
took the containers from her and Spock and looped them over his shoulder next
to his own. ÒAnd Chris, IÕll leave
you to get the fruit and berries.
IÕll come help you as soon as IÕve got the water in the cave.Ó
She
nodded and moved off. Whatever her
lingering annoyance with the two of them for showing back up on the ship and
making a mockery of her ÒIÕm starting overÓ plans, they were excellent at
staying alive—she probably couldnÕt ask for better companions in that
sense.
And
it wasnÕt as if she didnÕt miss Jim.
HeÕd been fun to hang out with.
TheyÕd laughed a lot. And
once upon a time she would have given anything to spend quality time alone with
Spock. She should be happy they
were all here together. There were
so many worse options.
She
tried to put on a real smile as she walked. Tried to feel anything but annoyed and
tired. SheÕd been pushing since she
left the ship to go to med school.
She hadnÕt been this tired since grad school.
One
of the rabbit-like things ran in front of her, no doubt heading for a
hole. Storm like this, everything
would take cover. She just hoped
nothing decided their cave was the place to do it.
##
The
cave Spock had found had a narrow entrance that twisted to the side and into a
rather expansive open area. It was
warm enough that they didnÕt need a fire, which was good since the space would
probably just fill up with smoke.
She
put the fruit sheÕd gathered on a sheet from her kit and left it near where Jim
had put the water. Then she sat
down and tried to get comfortable.
Spock
came in and sat down across from her.
Jim came in last, a small load of fruit slung in his shirt. He put it down with what sheÕd brought
in, then sat down between them.
She
looked down, drawing symbols in the dirt.
Jim coughed and shifted position but said nothing.
ÒHow
are you finding the new ship, Doctor?Ó Spock asked into what was rapidly
becoming an uncomfortable silence.
ÒItÕs
fine.Ó She met his eyes with the
blandest expression she could muster.
ÒItÕs not really new, though, is it? Just redone.Ó Much like her experience of being on the
ship was turning out to be.
ÒRefitted,
to be sure.Ó Spock seemed to be
trying very hard, his voice was falsely light in that way only a Vulcan trying
to make small talk could achieve.
ÒAnd sickbay. It is to your
liking?Ó
He
seemed to realize his mistake as soon as it was out of his mouth, but she gave
him credit for not trying to make things better before she answered.
ÒMy
office is a bit smaller than I expected.Ó
She glanced at Jim whose jaw was very tight. ÒBut otherwise, itÕs pretty much what I thought
it would be. Same old same
old. Other than these festive
moments, of course. I mean, who
doesnÕt want to get stuck in a cave with the two of you?Ó
Jim
looked up at her. ÒHow long are you
going to sulk over being demoted?Ó
She
ignored him.
ÒConsider
that your captain asking, Doctor, not your friend.Ó
ÒFriend?Ó She could feel the anger coming up,
pushed it down. ÒDo you really want
to do this here?Ó She shot a glance
at Spock, then met JimÕs eyes, knew her own were hard. ÒIn front of him?Ó
SpockÕs
expression didnÕt change. ÒDoctor
Chapel, please feel free to vent in any way you wish.Ó
She
stared at him. Was he fucking
serious? She looked back at Jim,
and he made a Ògo aheadÓ gesture.
ÒFine. IÕm not mad about being demoted. IÕm mad that you never came and talked
to me about it. Being my friend and all.Ó
ÒWe
were in the middle of a crisis.Ó
ÒI
donÕt mean then. I mean after. You just...let it go.Ó
ÒAnd
you think he owes you more?Ó Spock asked.
She
glared at him. ÒIÕm resigned to the
fact that you are apparently going to get to listen in on this, but I will not
have you goddamn moderate the proceedings.Ó
ÒChris,
he doesnÕt deserve that.Ó
ÒAnd
I donÕt deserve the way you just...ditched me. Like some friend who only needs me
around when her boyfriend has broken up with her. How many times did I listen to you
whine?Ó She looked over at
Spock. ÒNot about you and your
quest for soullessness. About
Lori. His wife. Has he mentioned her to you yet?Ó
ÒYes.Ó
ÒIÕm
sure you didnÕt get the full effect of being there, though. He wasnÕt happy, Spock.Ó
ÒI
am aware of that. He and I have melded
since my return.Ó
Wow. He was going to just give her that? Guess she could stop assuming they were
involved and really know that it was true.
She
felt as if all the air had been sucked out of her sails. Instead of continuing, she went back to
drawing symbols in dirt. It seemed
more productive.
ÒJim
has avoided you because he fell in love with you on Earth.Ó Spock seemed not to understand the Òno
moderator neededÓ stance—but maybe she didnÕt mind if these kinds of
truths were going to be spilled. ÒHe demoted you rather than transferring you
because he wanted you near.Ó
She
looked at Jim. ÒIs this true?Ó
He
nodded slowly.
ÒAnd
you couldnÕt have let me in on your feelings?Ó
ÒYou
were leaving. And my...motivation
for looking you up in the first place wasnÕt exactly innocent.Ó
She
frowned. ÒI donÕt understand. You never tried anything. I sort of wondered why but decided I
wasnÕt your type.Ó
Jim
looked away. Then he looked at
Spock, and his face had the tight, angry expression sheÕd seen so often on
Earth. ÒWhy are you doing this?Ó
ÒBecause
she is between us and has been since you left me.Ó
ÒWait. You left him, Jim?Ó She looked back and forth between
them. ÒI thought Spock left you for
Gol. I
thought it hurt so much you couldnÕt talk about it.Ó
ÒYou
thought wrong, Christine.Ó SpockÕs
eyes were very gentle—she couldnÕt remember him ever looking at her like
that. ÒYou do not remember
everything.Ó
ÒMy
memory is just fine.Ó
ÒNo,
Chris. No, itÕs not.Ó Jim got up and started pacing the
cave. ÒYou remember SpockÕs Pon Farr?Ó
She
nodded. How the hell could she
forget it?
ÒYou
only remember part of it. Up to
dropping some soup off, probably?
Me showing up seemingly dead.Ó
She
nodded. ÒAnd him smiling like a
fool when you werenÕt.Ó
ÒAnd
then what?Ó
ÒI
left you two and Len to talk alone.Ó
ÒAnd
then...?Ó JimÕs expression was one
she couldnÕt read.
She
shrugged. ÒAnd then nothing.Ó
ÒI
came to you afterwards.Ó Spock met
her eyes, but she had the odd feeling it was hard for him to do it. ÒI lied to Jim and Leonard when I said my
need to mate had been mitigated by the battle. And I lied again to Jim when I told him
I needed time alone to meditate, to regain my equilibrium. But it was sex that was needed to regain
it, and sex with Jim would not do.
I discovered the essence of Pon Farr is to
mate—to spawn. I needed a partner
with whom I could procreate. Any
woman would have done, Christine, but I wanted it to be you.Ó
ÒWe
never had se—Ó
ÒYes,
we did. You do not remember it because
I took your memory away.Ó He looked
down. ÒI did not force you to have
sex with me. It was very much consensual.Ó
She
searched her memory. She could
remember nothing about some interlude with Spock. The only kiss sheÕd ever shared with him
had been forced by the Platonians. ÒYouÕre lying.Ó
ÒHeÕs
not, Chris. I found out years
later, during a particularly deep meld when he dropped his guard. You were getting ready to transfer off
the ship. You were on both our minds—but for me, I was
just thinking about your future.
Spock—well he had other reasons to think about you, as I found out.Ó
Spock
nodded slowly. ÒJim left me soon
after.Ó He looked down, as if he
would rather be anywhere than in a cave spilling secrets.
ÒJim,
are you saying you broke up with him...for me?Ó
ÒNo. IÕm not.Ó Jim took a deep breath. ÒI did it for me. Because he did it to me, too, you
see. I only found out because I
went looking once I knew he was willing to do it to you—and heÕs not
being clear about why he did it to you, Chris. It was because he enjoyed sex with
you—he cared for you. And he didnÕt want me to know that but
didnÕt think you could hide it. He
could hide it, though, just as long as he took your memory away. It wouldnÕt hurt you—just a moment
in a life. IsnÕt that what you
said, Spock? Just a moment gone in
all the myriad moments of her life.Ó
Spock
did not look up.
ÒI
started to go through my logs. From
the time Spock and I got together.
Realized that I couldnÕt remember some of the missions as clearly as I
should. Realized I couldnÕt
remember some of the women—Miramanee. Rayna—as
clearly as I should. I guess itÕs
good I mourned Edith before he and I were together.Ó He looked at her. ÒYou were with Miramanee,
Chris. You were with me, then,
too. You saw how...Ó
ÒDetached. You were detached. I was surprised. She was carrying your child.Ó
ÒSpockÕs
mind meld. He needed me back as his
captain—isnÕt that what you said when you defended your actions? When you took my feelings for my wife
away from me? For my unborn child?Ó
ÒYou
left him because you couldnÕt trust him.Ó
She turned to Spock. ÒAnd
you went to Gol because...you hurt?Ó
ÒYes. I did not understand the nature of my
trespass. I thought I was helping
him.Ó
She
wondered if he understood the nature of his trespass now. ÒYou were helping yourself with what you
did to me.Ó
ÒAnd
him. I cared deeply for him. And you, too. I was not going to leave Jim for you. My feelings for you were irrelevant,
Christine.Ó
She
looked down.
ÒJimÕs
feelings for you, however, are not.
He and I are together and yet...Ó
He took a deep breath. ÒWe
needed to talk about this. The
three of us.Ó
Jim
was shaking his head as if he didnÕt agree but said softly, ÒI had him give me my
memories back, Chris. I told him to
give you yours back, too, if you wanted them, but I could tell by the way you
acted on Earth that he never came to you.Ó
ÒNo,
he never did.Ó
ÒAnd
once he was gone, it was too late, so I left it alone. You didnÕt seem the worse for wear.Ó
ÒThatÕs
why you found me that day in the cafeteria?Ó
He
nodded. ÒI was worried. And then I wasnÕt and I knew I could
leave you alone, but you were a good listener and fun, and Lori was
neither. Lori was sick of me, and I
was sick of her, and we both knew we had married for all the wrong
reasons. They should not let you
sign a term marriage when youÕre drunk.Ó
She
smiled in what was probably a very ugly expression. ÒI think thatÕs the whole reason term
marriages exist. For people who
marry too fast and donÕt want to repent at leisure.Ó
ÒMaybe
so.Ó He met her eyes; his were
tortured. ÒSpock and I have been
talking about this. He thought I
should start including you: that or transfer you off. He said it wasnÕt fair not to utilize
you fully.Ó
She
looked at Spock. ÒAnd you knew the
estimates Scotty had for the stormÕs progress were wrong, didnÕt you?Ó
ÒI
suspected they were underestimating the speed it would attain. But as the planet had plenty of caves,
and it was just the three of us beaming down, I thought this would be an
excellent opportunity to talk.Ó
ÒTalk? Forget talk. I want to know what you took from
me. I want to catch up, because
clearly IÕm behind the curve on this whole thing.Ó She pushed herself back against the cave
wall. ÒI want to know how mad I
should be.Ó
ÒHow
mad are you now?Ó Jim asked softly.
ÒSpitting.Ó She motioned Spock over. ÒGet this done fast.Ó
ÒI
will do it as quickly as is safe.Ó
He moved to her side, reached for her face and she had to force herself
to stay still—heÕd taken her memory?
Spock?
No.
But...yes. As he slipped into her mind, as he found
the hours heÕd...hidden, she realized that yes, he had, indeed, taken her
memory.
And
it came rushing back now. Lying in
his bed, tracing his lips, being pulled on top of him for another round, his mouth
soft under hers, his voice husky and deep.
ÒI
desire you immensely, Christine,Ó he had said. ÒI care for you.Ó
ÒAll
this time I thought...Ó She had
looked down, overcome with what sheÕd felt—what sheÕd been feeling back
from him. ÒThat you were with the
captain.Ó
And
that had brought him back, brought him...shame. He had let her finish, let her get him
off several more times before heÕd reached for her face and—
ÒYou
bastard!Ó She struck his hand off
her, felt a surge of pain as the meld was snapped by her action. Heard him groan and didnÕt care. She scuttled away from him, felt tears
coming and bit them back.
She
looked over at Jim.
He
closed his eyes. ÒIÕm so sorry,
Chris. Should I have told you?Ó
She
thought about it before she answered.
ÒNot when there was nothing left to do.Ó
ÒIt
haunted me because I was never sure.
And knowing he did it to me, too—well, it destroyed Spock and me.Ó
ÒYou
left him. Married the first woman
you could find?Ó
ÒThought
IÕd do it up right. Have kids. Kids I could actually see.Ó
She
frowned, not understanding what he meant.
ÒI
have a son. IÕm not allowed to see
him.Ó He made the ÒIÕll tell you
laterÓ wave sheÕd learned back on Earth.
ÒOh. Okay.Ó
ÒJoke
was on me, though. Lori didnÕt want
kids. Lori wanted advancement. She thought being married to the golden
boy of the Fleet would do it. I
wasnÕt the golden boy on Earth. I
was miserable—as you well know. You heard it all, Chris.Ó He looked over at Spock. ÒShe
heard it all.Ó
ÒAnd
yet you took me back after VÕger and avoided her.Ó
She
glared at Spock. ÒHow many ways are
you going to try to hurt me today?Ó
ÒThat
was not my intention.Ó
ÒCould
have fooled me.Ó
ÒChristine,
relations between Jim and me are strained.
And you are the cause. You
are mad at him and now at me. I
could feel through the meld just now that you have strong feelings for both of
us.Ó
She
looked down. ÒVoyeur.Ó
ÒIt
was unavoidable. I had to go past
what you were feeling to get to the memory.Ó
ÒItÕs
irrelevant what I feel. IÕm
transferring off as soon as we get back to the ship.Ó
ÒI
have an alternate proposal.Ó
ÒI
canÕt wait to hear it.Ó
ÒIf
you are between us, then be between
us.Ó
JimÕs
head shot up and he stared at Spock.
ÒSpock, what the hell?Ó
ÒThere
is logic in what I say. We will
find out what we all want. What is
important and what is not.Ó
ÒAre
you saying what I think youÕre saying?
You want to be together right after telling me you stole my memory? And did you plan this so we could do it
in a fucking cave? Because guess
what? You donÕt get to say how this
goes. You are done saying how my
life goes.Ó She got up and walked
to the entrance. The ion storm was
too strong to risk leaving, even though sheÕd kill to find another cave to wait
this thing out in.
She
felt hands on her shoulders, heard JimÕs voice. ÒGet back in here, Chris.Ó
ÒHeÕs
crazy.Ó
ÒI
know. Now, come on.Ó He turned her, put his arm around her
shoulder. ÒIÕm sorry. Maybe I should have told you.Ó
ÒAt
least I understand why you were so unfriendly.Ó
He
nodded.
ÒDo
you love me?Ó She didnÕt bother to
pitch her voice low, didnÕt care if Spock could hear them.
ÒYes.Ó He could have nodded, but he said
it. Did he want Spock to hear it,
too?
She
stared at him, hated to think how helpless her expression probably was. ÒIÕm going to transfer off.Ó
ÒOkay.Ó He led her back to the open area, then let
her go and sat down.
She
sat down next to him and when Spock looked like he might join them, held up her
hand and said, ÒNo. You stay over
there. YouÕve done enough today.Ó
##
She
woke up—how the hell had she ended up falling asleep, much less snuggling
with Jim—and realized the cave was a lot darker than it had been. The storm was in full swing and she
could feel her ears popping as the pressure kept changing.
She eased off of Jim, heard him mumble something she couldnÕt make out. It didnÕt sound like her name. It didnÕt sound like SpockÕs, either.
She
sighed softly as she looked at him.
She was in love with him.
SheÕd never meant to fall, but she had. And it was different than how sheÕd felt
for Spock. This was real—this
was based on actual interaction, not just a crush or an interlude that Spock
had torn away from her.
But sheÕd been interacting with Jim at his worst. She didnÕt know that she would rate that
highly with Jim at his best. Spock
might well own him: he and Jim were back together, after all. Despite everything.
The
memories so recently retrieved hammered at her. She and Spock. In bed. It had been good.
She
looked around. Where the hell was Spock?
She
found him at the mouth of the cave, set back just enough to be safe as the
storm raged. ÒWhy did you do this?Ó
He
did not turn around. ÒBecause Jim
and I are not gelling as a couple the way we did before. And you are the reason.Ó
She
leaned against the side of the cave; she didnÕt want to sit down, wanted to be
able to get away quickly if he said something that made her angrier than she
already was. ÒWere you counting on
me leaving once I heard the truth?Ó
ÒPossibly.Ó
ÒPossibly? Since when are you so wishy washy?Ó
ÒI
am still interested in you, Christine.
And the emotionalism brought by the meld with VÕger
is not helping. The part of me that
is capable of logical thought knows that Jim and I would be happier with you
somewhere else. The part that is
not logical wants more—wants both of you.Ó
ÒYouÕre
right. ThatÕs not logical.Ó
ÒAs
I said.Ó
The
storm outside intensified, and he scooted back from the entrance. ÒWhen I took your memory, I reacted
rather than acted in a premeditated way.
I was still influenced by the Pon Farr.Ó
ÒYou
always have an excuse, donÕt you? VÕger. The Pon Farr. ItÕs
never just you that does wrong.Ó
She sighed. ÒWhat did you
think I would do back then if IÕd known the truth? All you had to do was tell me you were
with Jim, and I would have known things werenÕt going to work out.Ó
ÒHe
would have noticed your unhappiness.Ó
ÒAnd
you would have had to deal with actual consequences. But you did it to him, too? Why? What did Miramanee
do to you? She died with his child
in her belly, Spock.Ó
ÒHe
was someone else when he was with her.
I gave him back who he was.Ó
ÒAnd
took her away in the process? Not a
fair trade.Ó She studied his
expression. ÒWhat did they think of
this on Gol?Ó
ÒIt
did not come up.Ó
ÒSo
youÕre only sorry because Jim wants you to be sorry?Ó
He
did not answer, and she knew she was right.
She
crouched down next to him, not touching him but close enough to whisper in his
ear. ÒYou know youÕre the
aberration. He prefers women. Right now, he may even prefer me.Ó She could sense his posture change, got
up quickly. ÒMaybe I wonÕt transfer
off. Maybe IÕll stay and fight you
for him.Ó She backed away. ÒWhat I wonÕt do is give you the easy
out with a three-way. Something he
can wake up from, awkward and embarrassed, realizing all he really wants is
you.Ó
ÒThere
was a time you would have.Ó
ÒThat
time is gone. That Christine is
gone.Ó
ÒSo
I see.Ó He looked up at her, and
she was surprised by the emotion she read in his face. ÒPlease do not stay.Ó
ÒIÕll
do what I want.Ó She turned and
left him alone with the storm.
##
Jim
slept longer than Chapel expected.
When he finally woke up, he looked around, still clearly groggy, and
asked, ÒHow long was I out? And
whereÕs Spock?Ó
ÒAbout
five hours. And guarding the door
for unknown reasons—itÕs just possible he canÕt deal with me right now.Ó
ÒOr
me.Ó
ÒYou
were safely out, my dearest. I
think IÕm the problem.Ó She walked
over and scanned him. His readings
were fine. ÒIÕve never seen you
sleep like that.Ó
ÒTechnically,
youÕve never seen me sleep. Unless
it was in sickbay and then I was usually injured.Ó
She
smiled. ÒTrue. But IÕve been on other missions that had
some downtime and donÕt remember my captain conking out.Ó
ÒI
havenÕt been sleeping much lately. IÕve
had a lot on my mind. You, among
other things.Ó
ÒAs
in what Spock did to me and how you were going to fix it? Or just me?Ó
He
smiled. ÒBoth.Ó He stretched and sat up. ÒI donÕt want you to leave.Ó
ÒI
donÕt want to leave.Ó
They
stared at each other.
She
was the first to look away. ÒBut
youÕre with him.Ó
ÒI
am. Rushed right back into it.Ó
ÒThatÕs
love for you.Ó She tried for a game
smile, thought it probably came out weak.
ÒLook, IÕll do whatever you want me to. Stay or transfer.Ó
He
nodded.
ÒThink
about it.Ó She turned away.
ÒDonÕt
go. Right now, I mean. IÕm still thinking about long term.Ó
Turning
back, she studied him.
ÒSit
with me. IÕm hungry. ArenÕt you?Ó
ÒI
could eat.Ó She tossed him one of
the apple-like fruits she had picked.
ÒThese smell heavenly.Ó She
glanced at the tunnel that led to the cave mouth. ÒShould I take one to Spock?Ó
ÒHeÕs
a big boy. He can get his own damn
fruit.Ó
ÒDonÕt
be mad at him on my behalf, Jim, all right? I mean if youÕre mad at him for other
reasons, thatÕs up to you. But I
can take care of myself.Ó She took
a bite of the fruit, laughed as juice ran down her chin and she barely caught
it.
He
smiled and bit into his, managing not to have the same thing happen.
ÒGood
at everything, arenÕt you?Ó
ÒI
wasnÕt good on Earth. You got
earfuls of that.Ó
She
smiled gently. ÒI didnÕt mind.Ó Then she looked down. ÒEven if you sought me out for reasons
other than that you like me.Ó
ÒI
do like you. I always have. Liking you isnÕt the problem.Ó He took a deep breath and seemed to hold
it, then he finally let it out.
ÒIÕm not even sure what Spock wants me to do here.Ó
ÒStay
with him. Be happy. If you need me in the mix to do it,
heÕll let you, I think.Ó She took
another bite, tried to be nonchalant.
ÒIs that what you want? Me
in the mix?Ó She laughed at his
look. ÒI know. ItÕs idiotic when you say it out
loud.Ó She met his eyes. ÒSo dump him and choose me.Ó Then she laughed again to show him how
stupid that sounded out loud, too.
He
was grinning. ÒIÕd miss you if you
left. So donÕt leave. Not yet. I donÕt know whatÕs going to happen. Probably nothing. But I want you on my ship.Ó
ÒSpock
may not like that if he canÕt control it—if he canÕt control me.Ó
ÒLast
I checked, Spock wasnÕt the captain.Ó
She
smiled. ÒMy mistake.Ó She nodded slowly. ÒIÕll stay for a while. Just having you talk to me again will be
a nice treat.Ó
ÒIÕm
sorry I avoided you.Ó His smile was
one sheÕd never gotten on Earth, one sheÕd never expected to get at any
point. Seductive. Almost carefree—how much had this
been weighing on him?
She
smiled back the same way. ÒFine. Just donÕt do it again.Ó
She
didnÕt think it possible for his smile to get any brighter, but it did. ÒAye aye,
sir.Ó
##
Chapel
was in the rec lounge a few days later when Jim walked in. He saw her and made a motion that she knew
from Earth meant ÒDo you want another drink?Ó He also knew from Earth what she was
drinking by the color of the liquid, so she held up her nearly empty glass of
red wine and nodded.
He
walked over, a grin that she found hard to resist on his face. ÒHello there.Ó He handed her the wine, then put his
Scotch down and sat next to her.
ÒHi.Ó
ÒYou
been hiding out?Ó
ÒMaybe.Ó She leaned back. ÒActually, no. WeÕre neck deep in crew physicals because
Len doesnÕt trust the check-ins done by Starfleet medical and wants a new
baseline for everyone. WeÕre down a
doctor so IÕve been picking up some extra shifts.Ó
ÒThe
life of a doctor—itÕs what you wanted, right?Ó
She
nodded, but he immediately said, ÔWhat?Ó
ÒWhat...what?Ó
ÒYou
have an expression that is less than happy.Ó
She
sighed. ÒI guess I expected it to
be a lot more...different than being a nurse. Len had me doing stuff that wasnÕt
strictly nursing.Ó
ÒYouÕre
bored already?Ó He laughed
softly.
ÒNot
bored exactly. Just...Ó She searched for the right word.ÕÕ
ÒUnderwhelmed?Ó
She
nodded. She looked past him to the
door and saw Spock come in. He
stopped when he saw Jim and her together.
ÒSomeone does not look happy weÕre sitting here.Ó
Jim
turned to see, made some kind of hand signal because Spock turned and walked
over to where they usually set up their chessboard.
ÒWhat
did you say to him with your super-secret boy code?Ó
He
laughed. ÒTo wait. HeÕs early. Then again, so am I because I hoped to
see you in here.Ó
ÒThink
he knew that?Ó
ÒVery
possibly. He knows me pretty
well.Ó He took a sip of his drink
then leaned his head back and sighed.
ÒI have missed this. Talking
to you. Being with you.Ó
She
followed his lead and relaxed against the soft leather. ÒI feel the same. Why do you think I was so sulky with you?Ó She reached over and touched his
hand. ÒI really donÕt hold it
against you that you didnÕt tell me what he did. I hold it against Spock but even that
IÕm letting go. I mean what can I
do about it now?Ó
ÒIf
you really wanted to create a stink, you could. And IÕd support you. I wouldnÕt like doing that to him, but I
also hate what he did.Ó
ÒNo,
IÕm not going to. And not just
because I donÕt feel like getting him in trouble for it. Technically he could turn around and
report me to Starfleet medical. I
knew he was compromised when I slept with him.Ó
ÒHmmm. DidnÕt think of it like that. Doubt he would, either.Ó
ÒWell,
I have. I was so eager to get
him. Why didnÕt I tell him to
wait? Tell him if he wanted me,
heÕd want me the next day, or maybe the next—when his hormones had
leveled out. Stupid choice on my
part.Ó
ÒYou
were in love with him.Ó
ÒYeah. But thatÕs not much of an excuse since
he had not shown any interest in me up to that point.Ó She turned to look at him; heÕd turned
his head, too and was looking back at her.
ÒWhy couldnÕt I just have fallen for you? Oh, wait, same problem. You two took each other off the market.Ó
He
smiled. ÒGuess we did.Ó
ÒUntil
you broke up with him.Ó Why was she
doing this? TheyÕd been on fairly
safe ground and now she was heading back to this?
ÒUntil
that. And he left. And I married Lori. And then there was you.Ó
ÒMe. Good old Chapel.Ó
ÒNot
old. Not that good, either. Remember the bar fight you started in
Bogota?Ó
She
started to laugh. ÒI just said I
didnÕt want to dance with that guy.
I never meant for you to defend me that way.Ó
ÒI
didnÕt like the way he was looking at you.Ó He laughed. ÒMan, he was a much better fighter than
I am. And that doesnÕt happen all
that often. I was damn glad you
were a doctor that day.Ó
She
shook her head. ÒYouÕre an idiot.Ó
ÒWell,
many would agree with you when it comes to me and fights and women.Ó He sighed. ÒThat night, when you were fixing me up,
that was the night I realized I wanted a lot more from you than just
conversation.Ó
ÒYeah?Ó
ÒYep.Ó
ÒFor
me it was that night we went to the waterfront and just walked around in the
fog. Do you remember?Ó
He
nodded. ÒYou were cold. I didnÕt have a jacket so I said my arms
would have to do.Ó
HeÕd
held her close and theyÕd walked like two lovers through the damp mist. She could have stayed out there all
night. And later, once heÕd dropped
her off, sheÕd told herself not to be an idiot. That she could not fall in love with
James T. Kirk. Her friend. And nothing more.
She
glanced back at Spock. He was
watching them intently. ÒWhat if he
hadnÕt come back? Would your rule
have applied—although, you really donÕt have that rule, do you? If you were with him back then.Ó
ÒMy
so-called rule is very convenient.
People always fall back on it when they get to analyzing my relationship
with Spock.Ó He studied her. ÒI think if he had not come back, you
would have found out how permeable my rule is.Ó
ÒDamn
VÕger.Ó
ÒBut
without VÕger, I wouldnÕt be here.Ó
ÒDamn
VÕger calling out to Spock. HowÕs that?Ó
ÒWithout
Spock and his meld, we might not have made it.Ó
ÒI
canÕt win.Ó
ÒSorry.Ó He glanced over at Spock. ÒHe really doesnÕt look happy.Ó He made no move to get up.
ÒYouÕre
deliberately ticking him off? Does
it make the sex better or something?Ó
ÒNo. Well, yes, sometimes, but thatÕs not why
IÕm doing it. He canÕt control
everything. He needs to learn
that.Ó
ÒAnd
if I suddenly keel over and die in a suspicious way, I want him to be the first
person you question.Ó
He
laughed. ÒHe wonÕt do that. He cares for you. ThatÕs the whole problem. HeÕs not just jealous of you. HeÕs jealous of me, too.Ó
ÒIf
you say so.Ó
ÒI
do say so. I know him pretty well, too.Ó He threw back his drink and got up. ÒIÕll leave you in peace.Ó
ÒNot
likely. Being with you
is...stimulating.Ó
His
grin was a gorgeous thing to behold.
She imagined SpockÕs face got just a little stonier if he was watching.
##
Chapel
looked up to see Len studying her with a musing look on his face. ÒWhat? You are not going to make us redo the
physicals again, are you?Ó
ÒLanding
party. SpockÕs leading. And youÕre on it, not me, by his
request. ThatÕs the third time this
month. Something you want to tell
me?Ó
She
went back to her terminal.
ÒNope.Ó Pulling up the
mission parameters, she saw they were surveying a planet Starfleet hoped to use
to replace one of the bases VÕger had destroyed. Weird eddies in the atmosphere made
transporting problematic; she didnÕt think the shuttle ride down would be much
fun, either.
ÒIs
he suddenly sweet on you? Why
wouldnÕt you want to tell me that?Ó
SheÕd think Len was lost in a ÒSpock loves ChristineÓ fantasy if it
werenÕt for the almost disapproving look on his face. She decided not to dwell too much on it
and pushed past him to gather her equipment.
She
had a feeling that Spock just wanted her where he could see her. And very far from Jim. The two together: perfect.
She
closed her bag, slung it over her shoulder, and made her way to the shuttle
bay.
Spock
was waiting. ÒYou will work with
me, Doctor.Ó
ÒOf
course I will.Ó She wasnÕt entirely
sure why, once he got her away from Jim, he needed to keep her this close. Did he think she was going to comm Jim and whisper sweet nothings as she worked?
There
were six other officers on the mission.
Spock landed at different spots in the region Starfleet had identified and
let the landing party out in groups of two, then finally landed in the area
Chapel and he would survey.
As
they disembarked, she said, ÒSo IÕm included on another of your landing parties. Is it me you donÕt trust—or is it
Jim?Ó
He
turned to look at her. ÒI am merely
ensuring Doctor McCoy is not favored when selecting medical personnel for missions.Ó
ÒLike
hell.Ó She looked out at the barren
landscape in front of them. ÒYou want left or right?Ó
ÒI
will let you have your pick.Ó
ÒYouÕre
a peach.Ó She chose left simply
because she thought he would assume sheÕd go right.
She
lost herself in the task at hand: surveying, taking samples, and getting a big
sense of the endless prairie in front of them. She didnÕt want to know what Starfleet
would be doing here: no one would sneak up on them doing it, that was for sure.
She
heard Spock coming up behind her and turned quickly.
He
looked surprised. ÒI am sorry if I
startled you.Ó
She
nodded.
His
eyes narrowed. ÒAre you frightened
of me?Ó
ÒWhole
lot of nothing right here, Spock.
Anything could happen.Ó
ÒI
would never harm you.Ó
ÒOh,
so wiping my memory wasnÕt harming me?
What if IÕd gotten pregnant?Ó
ÒYou
did not. And when I asked at the
time, you were up to date on your contraceptives, as IÕm sure you remember now
that you have your memories back.Ó
He moved closer, seemed sincerely taken aback when she again moved
away. ÒChristine, do you think I
would hurt you?Ó
ÒI
donÕt know what you would do, Spock.
I know not a damn person would see you do it if you did it here.Ó
He
took a deep breath. ÒI have no
desire to hurt you.Ó
ÒI
know you wish I was off the ship.Ó
ÒThose
are two very different things.Ó He backed
up a few steps. ÒIt is time to
go. Unless you have more to do?Ó
ÒIÕm
done.Ó She followed him onto the
shuttle, sat for takeoff but once they were airborne, she went to the head,
hiding out for a moment in the quiet, tiny space. Did she think he would hurt her? SheÕd reacted that way but if she
thought about it, it was a difficult scenario to imagine—barring her
trying to interfere with the Pon Farr.
But
even then—heÕd need a woman.
Jim hadnÕt done before. Jim
would be in danger—Spock had killed Jim, or thought he had, even though
heÕd been involved with him. They
must have just been starting up; she hadnÕt asked Jim much about his
relationship with Spock, and what she had asked had been met with vague
answers. Jim clearly did not want
to talk about the gory details to her.
Which in a way was comforting—he probably told Spock very little
about the time heÕd spent with her.
If
he and Spock were new together during the Pon Farr,
she could imagine Spock panicking once he realized what heÕd done with her. Could see it more easily than if theyÕd
been together for a long time. HeÕd
probably thought his Pon Farr was never going to
come, had let Jim in only to have it hit.
She
sighed. What difference did any of
this make? She looked at herself in
the mirror. Should she leave the
ship? Was she here for any reason
other than stubbornness?
Suddenly
the shuttle lurched and she was thrown back. The head was so tiny that she didnÕt go
far before she hit the wall, then was flying the short distance forward as the
ship jerked. She sank to the floor,
got into a ball, and felt the ship lurch again, then the sickening drop of a
crash.
They
hit hard, but she thought she was spared much damage by the cramped quarters
and the fact that nothing was loose in the head. She pushed the door open, not easy since
debris was blocking it, and saw that the rear of the shuttle had taken the most
damage, anyone back there would have been crushed.
She
made her way to the pilotÕs seat, found Spock with a piece of wreckage impaled
in his chest. A fatal wound in a
human but his heart was lower. ÒCan
you hear me, Spock?Ó
No
response. She reached for her
communicator, ÒChapel to Enterprise.Ó
ÒEnterprise here.Ó UhuraÕs voice had never sounded so
good.
ÒThe
shuttle crashed. Spock is badly injured. Get another shuttle down here fast but
be careful of the eddies. TheyÕre
worse than we thought.Ó
ÒChris?Ó JimÕs voice was tight.
ÒThe
rest of the landing party is not aboard, sir. TheyÕre fine. IÕm fine. ItÕs just Spock. IÕm going to stabilize him but please
hurry.Ó
ÒWeÕre
on our way.Ó
It
did not surprise her at all that heÕd come.
She
scrounged through the wreckage until she found her bag and pulled it out. Scanning him, she saw that he had
internal damage, but the piece of metal was holding everything in place. She dug around in the bag, found adhesive
foam, and sprayed it around his chest where the piece was stuck. It would keep it from coming out when
they moved him to the other shuttle.
ÒSpock,
can you hear me?Ó She didnÕt want
to wake him up if he was deeply unconscious, but she needed to keep him still
if he regained consciousness.
His
eyes flickered open. He started to
move and she held him down gently.
ÒWhat are you do—Ó
ÒYou
have a piece of metal sticking in your chest. It is preventing you from bleeding
out. LetÕs keep it that way.Ó
He
glanced down, then looked back up at her.
ÒAre you injured?Ó
ÒBruised
maybe. I was in the head when we
crashed. Nowhere to go when we
hit. Nothing to fall on me.Ó
ÒGood.Ó He was taking shallow breaths, and she
scanned him again.
ÒYou
can breathe normally. I know itÕs
hard but just try to relax. I donÕt
want to move you but I need to make sure youÕre not bleeding from the back.Ó She ran her hand gently behind him,
checking for the other end of the metal or any blood. Nothing. Good.
ÒYou
could have let me die.Ó
ÒYouÕre
not dying on my watch, Spock.Ó
ÒYou
would have Jim if I died.Ó
ÒIf
I get Jim, it wonÕt be because I let you die. Shut up about dying, will you?Ó
He
seemed to be breathing better, so she commed the
other teams, told them there would be a delay and to hold tight until a shuttle
came for them. Then she turned back
to him.
ÒAre
you in pain? I have painkiller in
here.Ó
He
shook his head and met her eyes. ÒI
am sorry that I took your memory.Ó
She
nodded.
ÒNo,
Christine. I am truly sorry. Not simply because Jim wants me to be.Ó
ÒYouÕre
not dying, Spock. You donÕt need to
make things right between us.Ó
ÒI
believe that I do. I have you
accompany me on these landing parties because I trust neither you nor Jim, but I
have you work directly with me because I still want you.Ó He did not look away from her. ÒPerhaps it is I who should not be
trusted?Ó
ÒI
think thatÕs been established, Spock.Ó
She touched his shoulder gently.
ÒYouÕre just saying stuff you think I want to hear. Stop it. YouÕll be fine in a few hours and you
can go back to telling me to get off the ship.Ó
ÒI
do not want you off the ship.Ó
She
rolled her eyes. ÒTrust me. Once you no longer have a big piece of
metal jutting out of your chest, youÕll feel much less positive about me.Ó
ÒI
want you and I want Jim. He wants
you and he wants me. I assume, from
what I am reading from your touch, that despite your uncertainty around me, you
still have feelings for me. And you
want Jim.Ó
ÒWe
are not all going to jump into bed together.Ó
ÒYes,
you have made that clear. But what
if we...shared in a more singular way?Ó
She
could feel her eyebrow going up in a creditable imitation of his. ÒWhat?Ó
ÒYou
and I would both be with Jim. You
and he would both be with me.Ó
She
scanned his head. His brainwave
patterns looked fine.
ÒI
am serious, Christine.Ó
ÒUh
huh. You talk to Jim about it. If
he says yes, then sure.Ó She
laughed softly. There was no way in
hell Jim was going to say yes.
##
Chapel
was sitting in her office when Jim came in. SheÕd seen him out in the main area,
sitting with Spock, who was being held for observation at least overnight, much
to his dismay. ÒHi,Ó she said with
a smile.
ÒThank
you.Ó
ÒFor
what? Doing my job?Ó
ÒHe
said you were especially kind.Ó
ÒI
donÕt think I was. Not compared to
how I would have been before.Ó She
rolled her eyes at the thought of how she would have been making an ass of
herself, no doubt holding SpockÕs hand, some sappy look on her face.
He
got up. ÒHave you eaten?Ó
ÒNope.Ó
ÒYou
on duty technically?Ó
She
smiled. ÒNope.Ó
ÒCome
with me. I need company.Ó
She
looked down. ÒIs it fair to do that
to Spock? It feels like kicking him
when heÕs down or something.Ó
Jim
laughed. ÒHeÕs fine with it. He told me youÕve been in here since you
brought him in. That you needed a
break.Ó
ÒHe
was sleeping some of that time. He doesnÕt
know if I popped out to grab something or not.Ó
ÒHe
thinks he does.Ó Jim held out his
hand. ÒCome on. I canÕt take being alone right now.Ó
She
took his hand, tried to ignore how good it felt to be holding on that way. He let go of her as soon as she was
up. As they walked out, she looked
over at Spock. He nodded, as if in
satisfaction—that his master plan was working, no doubt—then closed
his eyes.
She
shook her head.
ÒWhat?Ó
She
realized Jim had been watching them.
ÒNothing. HeÕs just a
busybody.Ó
ÒOne
weÕre both very fond of.Ó
ÒWell,
you are, anyway.Ó
ÒMmm hmmm.Ó He
was quiet as they walked to the lift, but once they were on it, he told the
lift to stop. ÒLook, he told me what
the two of you talked about.Ó When
she didnÕt say anything, he said, ÒAbout us sharing you. Or you two sharing me. Whichever.Ó
ÒWe
didnÕt talk so much as he spouted this nonsense and I listened so he wouldnÕt
get agitated and move the thing impaling him.Ó
ÒSo,
you donÕt want that?Ó He held up a
hand when she started to answer.
ÒNo, donÕt shoot off a smart-ass response. Think about it. Do you want it? Because heÕs dead serious and this is
not the first time heÕs brought it up.
At least with me.Ó
ÒDo
you want it?Ó
He
sighed. ÒI had to come down to get
Spock myself today. I would have
done the same if it had been you who was hurt. Anyone else—even Bones,
probably—IÕd let security and medical take the lead. IÕd stay on the bridge like IÕm supposed
to.Ó
ÒSomebody tell you that? A
captainÕs place is on the bridge?Ó
ÒNogura, actually.
Told me no more dumb-ass stunts and to let other people lead
occasionally.Ó
ÒYou
do let other people lead. Nogura doesnÕt know shit.Ó
He
laughed. ÒWell, I appreciate the
support. He does, however, control
my destiny, so IÕm trying to listen to him when I can.Ó He moved closer. ÒSo, do you want to?Ó
ÒTo
stay off the bridge?Ó
He
smiled. Then he kissed her. As kisses went it was definitely in the
top ten. As he pulled her closer
and deepened the kiss, she moved him up to top five. By the time he let her go, he was
residing alone at the top.
ÒJim.Ó She touched his cheek, then dropped her
hand when she realized what she was doing.
ÒIÕve
been wanting to do that. Why didnÕt
I kiss you when we were both on Earth?Ó
ÒI
donÕt know. Maybe because you love
Spock, not me.Ó
ÒMore
likely because you were leaving and I was in a bad way emotionally. I donÕt know.Ó He touched her lips, then backed away
and told the lift to resume.
ÒDo
I have to transfer off if I say no to this arrangement?Ó
He
shot her a disappointed look. ÒYou
say no and weÕll never speak of it again.
And if Spock badgers you, tell me and IÕll ensure he lays off.Ó He glanced away then back at her. ÒAre you saying no?Ó He seemed to be keeping his expression
even, to give her an easy out if she was saying that.
ÒI
donÕt know what IÕm saying. IÕm not
saying anything right now, all right?
IÕm hungry and I want to eat with my friend.Ó
ÒYou
didnÕt kiss me like just a friend.Ó
She
sighed. ÒI know. Just...let me think about this.Ó
ÒNo
problem.Ó He leaned back against
the lift wall. ÒThis is crazy.Ó
ÒOn
that we are very much agreed.Ó
ÒCrazy
but very tempting.Ó
She
looked over at him. He was staring
at the lift doors. ÒOn that weÕre
also agreed,Ó she said softly.
If
he was trying to hide his smile, he failed.
##
Some
days later she was still trying to decide what to do. Jim had let the matter drop, and Spock
was being unfailingly solicitous but did not bring the issue up.
She
was finishing up with a patient when she saw Jim standing at the door of LenÕs
office. He looked over and made a
gesture that she could tell meant he wanted to talk to her, so she met him in
her office.
ÒYou
busy tomorrow?Ó he asked.
Tomorrow
they were going to be orbiting Maldru X, where shore
leave was authorized. She hadnÕt
made plans yet although Ny was pestering her to stay at some ritzy resort on
the far continent with her.
Her
friend knew nothing about what was going on. Chapel didnÕt know if she wasnÕt telling
her because she was going to say no or because she was going to say yes, and
didnÕt want her judging.
She
shook her head. ÒIÕm not busy yet.Ó
ÒGood. Have you ever eaten at NaluvuÕs?Ó
SheÕd
heard of it. Half the quadrant had
probably heard of it. Ridiculously
expensive and harder than hell to get a reservation to. The food was supposed to be the best the
quadrant had to offer, served in unique and delicious ways. ÒCanÕt say itÕs a place IÕve
frequented.Ó
He
smiled. ÒSpock and I are going to
dinner there. We made the
reservation for three. Was
that...overstepping?Ó
ÒYou
want me to go to dinner with you?
On your...what? Date night?Ó
ÒPretty
much, yep.Ó He smiled. ÒItÕs just dinner, Chris. It doesnÕt have to mean anything else.Ó
ÒWhose
idea was this?Ó
ÒMine,
actually. I donÕt know whatÕs going
to happen between the three of us—or any two of us.Ó He winked. ÒBut I do know that we havenÕt really
spent much time together, all three of us, when the mood was something other
than hostile. So letÕs change
that.Ó
ÒI
donÕt know.Ó
ÒChris,
come on. They have a dance floor
and Spock wonÕt dance.Ó He grinned
when he laughed. ÒSay yes and then
find something sexy to wear.Ó
ÒMe. Sexy?Ó
ÒYes,
you. Do you still have that green
dress? The one thatÕs very low cut?Ó
She
laughed. ÒYou remember that one?Ó
ÒA
man does not forget a dress like that.
You wore it the night you went on that awful date, remember? You bitched to me about how he chewed.Ó
She
looked down, laughing hard. ÒBits
of food spewed from his mouth. It
was truly horrible.Ó
ÒWell, neither Spock or I do that.
So youÕre safe. Wear the
dress. Dance with me. Flirt with Spock. ItÕll do you good after all those years
of wanting him. Even if you end up
not doing anything else, you can tease him a little. I guarantee heÕll like the dress.Ó
ÒThis
is weird, Jim.Ó
ÒYes. Yes, it is. So is that a no or a yes? Because if itÕs only going to be Spock
and I, I need to change the reservation.Ó
She
thought of her gorgeous green dress hanging unused in her closet since that
date. Of how fun it would be to
just have a night out. With
Jim. And Spock. Who apparently wanted her, or so he and
Jim kept saying. Maybe she could see
just how much. Saying yes to dinner
didnÕt have to mean yes to everything.
ÒOkay.Ó
ÒOkay? YouÕll go?Ó
She
nodded.
ÒGreat. IÕll swing by to get you after shift.Ó
ÒOkay. Am I going to regret this?Ó
ÒI
donÕt know. Do you normally regret
a great meal in an exclusive place with very nice men, one of whom is footing
the bill because his family is richer than God?Ó
She
laughed. ÒWell, when you put it
that way...Ó
He
leaned in. ÒThank you. I canÕt wait to dance.Ó He stayed there a moment, not reaching
out, just meeting her eyes, his grin so bright it made her smile, too. Then he straightened up, turned on his
heel, and walked out.
##
The
restaurant was amazing. The food
was unusual and delicious. Jim was
charming as ever but Spock surprised her in how...fun he could be. And she could tell they both liked her
dress. Both of them were sneaking
peeks at her chest, which, she had to be honest, was almost scandalously
bared. The dress retained what
little coverage it had by tenacity and some really good body adhesive.
Jim
ordered an Adlevian sparkling wine that left
champagne in the dust. They drank the
bottle quickly, and she could feel her head starting to spin. Fortunately the appetizers came before
she could say anything stupid.
They
ate and talked, and Spock told them some of what his studies at Gol had entailed.
She could tell from the look on JimÕs face that he hadnÕt heard the
stories before, realized Spock was giving her this—giving them something
that was both of theirs, not recycled stories for her to catch up on.
Jim
told them about his son David. She
thought Spock knew most of it, but the part about him going to see the
boy—from a distance but still to see him—while heÕd been Earthbound
was new. The look on JimÕs face
when he stopped talking made her sad and she leaned over and rubbed his
arm. ÒItÕs not fair what she did to
you.Ó
He
nodded and she looked at Spock, saw that his eyes were very soft. This was clearly territory he was used
to treading very gently over.
She
tried to think of what to give them that they didnÕt know. Something that Jim hadnÕt heard
already. She finally said, ÒI guess
you figured out I was RogerÕs lover when I was his student?Ó
Jim
nodded; Spock looked surprised. She
laughed. ÒI donÕt have a lot
of...filters, maybe is the right word.
Or I didnÕt. I took what I
wanted back then. And smart men,
powerful men, theyÕre a turn on.Ó
Jim
grinned at Spock. ÒSums us up,
doesnÕt it?Ó
ÒIndeed.Ó
ÒYes,
it does, but thatÕs not my point.
Since IÕve been in Starfleet, IÕve tried to change.Ó
Spock
lifted his eyebrow very high. ÒIn
what way, Christine, is pursuing me a change? I am both above you in the
hierarchy—indeed in a position of power over you and on the ship in
general—and highly intelligent.Ó
Jim
started to laugh. ÒHe does have a
point. I think the change was someone
beat you to him.Ó
ÒCrap. Have I not changed?Ó She made a face at them both. ÒI did not sleep with a single professor
in med school.Ó
ÒWait
a minute. WhoÕd you buy this dress
for?Ó Jim was looking at her like
he was going to throw the bullshit flag down at any minute.
ÒWell,
he wasnÕt my professor.Ó She made a face. ÒOh, God, I havenÕt changed at all.Ó
ÒItÕs
okay. We like you this way.Ó Jim laughed, then pointed to the dance
floor. ÒShall I rescue you from
your Ôfoot in mouthÕ disease? The
orchestra is starting up.Ó
She
looked at Spock. ÒYouÕre okay with
that?Ó
ÒAs
I will not dance with him, nor does he particularly want me to since we would
no doubt both try to lead, I am most relieved.Ó He gestured to the dance floor. ÒPlease.Ó
She let Jim pull her up, followed him out to the dance floor, his hand tight on
hers. At first it took them a bit
to find their rhythm, but then it was good.
Hell,
then it was great.
They
danced through about five songs before he said, ÒThank you for coming out with
us.Ó
ÒBig
hardship. The two most attractive
men on the ship.Ó She grinned at
him.
He
pushed her hair back—sheÕd worn it down, in long waves. Taken time with her make-up, too. Nothing like the old days—she
wasnÕt that woman, anymore. But she
thought she looked good. She
thought, by the way he was pressing against her, that he thought so, too.
As
he pulled her closer, the music rising and the lights dimming a little in the
room, she felt his hand on her back, rubbing gently. She closed her eyes, tried to tell
herself the sensation of one hand on her skin could not possibly feel as good
as this was feeling.
It
was impossible. This felt goddamn
great.
She
opened her eyes, saw that Spock was watching them. The look on his face was intense, but
she saw no hostility in it. To
anyone watching he probably just looked like a typical Vulcan. To her, he looked...interested.
She
met his eyes just before Jim turned her away in the dance. SpockÕs lip ticked up every so slightly
and it was not a sardonic almost-smile as she was used to. He liked
watching them?
ÒIs
it just me or did you get distracted?Ó
Jim laughed softly. ÒIÕm a
pretty good dancer, so IÕm relatively sure itÕs not me.Ó
ÒSpock
is watching us.Ó
ÒYes,
I imagine he is.Ó
ÒHe
doesnÕt look mad.Ó
ÒMad
is a long way from what heÕs probably feeling.Ó He ran his hand down her back in a long,
languorous stroke, and she realized they were in a place on the dance floor
where Spock could easily see him do it.
ÒAm
I just your warm-up act, Jim?Ó
He
sighed, then nuzzled her neck gently.
ÒYou arenÕt. You shouldnÕt
have to ask that. Not after all the
time we spent together on Earth.Ó
ÒTalking. We spent it talking.Ó
ÒAnd
laughing. Being with you was the
only time I laughed.Ó He leaned
back so she could see his face. ÒDo
you know a better form of foreplay than really connecting?Ó
His
eyes were so intense, she lost her step again, but he kept them moving, seemed
to have been expecting her to do it.
ÒIÕve had a lot to drink, and so have you. In my jacket pocket are some antitox. I want
you to take one and give me one.Ó
She
did as he said, but once the magical pills were dissolving in their mouths, she
said, ÒWhy spoil the nice buzz?Ó
ÒBecause
I need you to answer something sober.
And I need to ask it sober.Ó
He pulled her closer again, buried his face in her shoulder. ÒJust give the stuff a moment to work.Ó
She
closed her eyes, gave herself up to the feeling of being held by him. She almost missed when he started
talking very softly.
ÒI
have a hotel room in town. ItÕs
expected of me, you know? On
account of me being such a slut. Everyone
knows IÕd have to sample the local product.Ó He kissed her neck. ÒItÕs always been convenient for Spock
and me what people think. It can be
convenient for you and Spock and me, too, if you want it to be?Ó
ÒThe
three of us. One room?Ó
ÒYes.Ó He kept them dancing. ÒIÕve thought about the other idea. And IÕve come to the conclusion that I
donÕt want to share you with him if IÕm not there.Ó He sighed. ÒI donÕt want to share him with you,
either, if IÕm not there.Ó
ÒIs
this just a one-time thing? A shore
leave and then...what?Ó
ÒIÕm
not sure. WeÕll see how we feel
when itÕs happening, when itÕs over.
Maybe this is what we need and weÕll be done with it after that. Maybe not.Ó He ran his hand down her back
again. ÒI donÕt plan to move you
both into my quarters, if thatÕs what youÕre asking. Spock and I have always been
discreet. A lot of our best times
were on shore leave.Ó
ÒIf
I start tagging along, people will talk.Ó
ÒI
donÕt think theyÕll come up with the real answer. TheyÕll think IÕm interested in you or
Spock is, and that they read what was going on with Spock and me all wrong.Ó
She
had to admit that if she were watching from the outside, that was probably how
she would interpret a woman suddenly in the mix. Especially given JimÕs reputation. And SpockÕs lack of one.
ÒOr
we can just say goodnight at the transporter station. You go back up to the ship in that
gorgeous dress you are wearing the hell out of. WeÕll stay down here. Life goes on. Either way, I got to dance tonight.Ó He laughed, making it easy for her to
answer however she wanted to.
ÒHe
wants me there?Ó
ÒHe
does. But I think you should ask
him yourself. I think youÕre sure
of me but not of him.Ó
ÒI
think youÕre right. What if I just
want you, Jim?Ó
He
sighed. ÒI love him, Chris. I love you, too, but IÕm not going to
choose you over him, not right now, not when I just got him back. But it speaks volumes about how much I
feel for you that I canÕt be happy with just him the way I used to be.Ó He laughed softly. ÒYou could do worse than the two of us.Ó
She
chuckled. ÒYes, thatÕs what IÕll
tell the board of inquiry. ÔHey, I
could have done worse. At least I
picked the two highest ranking men on board.ÕÓ She leaned back so she could see his
face. ÒThatÕs what I did with Roger
so I know how to be discreet.Ó
ÒI
know you do.Ó
She
sighed. ÒOkay, I want to talk to
Spock. ThereÕs a blonde at the bar
thatÕs been eyeing us. Go ask her
to dance while I talk to him.Ó
ÒItÕs
possible sheÕs eyeing you.Ó He
laughed.
ÒI
think I can tell what sheÕs looking at.
And itÕs your oh-so-firm derriere.
Working out pays off—never think we women donÕt notice.Ó
He
laughed and let her go. ÒGo talk to
him.Ó Then he looked toward the
bar. ÒThe blonde in the blue dress
or in black?Ó
She
realized a new woman had sat down.
ÒI was thinking of the one in black. But ask whoever you want.Ó She ran her hand down his back the same
way heÕd been doing to him.
ÒOh,
now thatÕs what IÕm talking about.Ó
He shot her a very amused grin and moved off toward the bar.
She
walked back to the table. Spock
rose as she approached, held her chair for her, even.
She
smiled. ÒYour mom trained you up
right.Ó
ÒYes,
she did. That is a human custom, by
the way, not a Vulcan one. We
assume people can seat themselves without assistance.Ó
ÒGood
to know.Ó She studied him. ÒItÕs fish or cut bait time, Spock. I need to know what you want. Because maybe itÕs time for me to get
off the ship and out of this—whatever this is—between the three of
us.Ó
ÒIf
it were only Jim who wanted you, I would tell you to leave. It is not only Jim who wants you. I desired you before I took you during
the Pon Farr and that feeling never subsided, even if
I made you forget we ever acted on it.Ó
She
took a deep breath, nodding slowly as she thought about what he said. ÒThis is a mess weÕre walking into, you
realize that? ItÕs not...normal.Ó
ÒFor
some species, single pairs are not normal.Ó
ÒFor
our species, Spock. For
humans. For Vulcans—unless
your people are closeted like nobodyÕs business. We pair up. We do not...see, thereÕs not even a word
for it. Trio up? That sounds stupid.Ó
ÒMust
we label it?Ó
ÒYes,
we must. You and I are scientists. We live and die by labels.Ó
ÒThen
we will come up with one. We are extremely
intelligent beings. I have no doubt
we can think of something original and descriptive.Ó
She laughed and rolled her eyes.
ÒChristine,
if you were not as intelligent as you are, I would have no interest in
you. Other than what I already have
taken from you. But you will add
something to the relationship Jim and I are trying to rebuild. You have history with him that I do not,
during a period he and I were not together.Ó
ÒAnd
you think you can fill that gap with me?
I think it might be better if you talked it out and filled it with your
own bridges.Ó
ÒIt
would be more traditional to do that.
I am not convinced it would be better.Ó He leaned back, steepled his fingers,
and—she could tell—prepared to deliver a huge load of
well-thought-out bullshit. ÒJim and
I have never been traditional people.
Neither have you, when you consider your path and what you have
done. We are also all enormously
determined individuals. Do you not
think we would make our own way in romance as well as everything else?Ó
ÒIÕm
not entirely sure IÕd call this romance, Spock. It feels more like a negotiation. And why do you want this so much, anyway? Do you see him leaving you for me? Because he just told me he wasnÕt going
to do that.Ó
ÒI
am not doing this because I am afraid of what I might lose. I am doing this because I am able to
anticipate what I might gain.Ó
She
leaned forward and put her face in her hands. ÒYou make it sound logical. How the hell do you make it sound so
logical?Ó
She
suddenly felt his hand on her back, rubbing slowly.
ÒThis
is not logical, Christine. This is
desire.Ó He stopped rubbing, let
his hand sit at the small of her back, generating a great deal of heat. ÒYou look beautiful in this dress.Ó
ÒI
may have worked a little harder than normal at making myself presentable. Since it was for both of
you—this...date, or whatever we call this.Ó
ÒYou
are more than simply presentable.Ó
She
took a deep breath. Who the hell
was she kidding? SheÕd kick herself
from now to the day she died if she didnÕt at least try this. One night. That was all this had to be. ÒHave you paid the bill?Ó
ÒI
have.Ó
ÒThen
letÕs get the hell out of here.Ó
She looked over at Jim on the dance floor. He was watching them over his partnerÕs
shoulder. ÒDo whatever signal means,
ÔWe snookered her, now letÕs go.ÕÓ
ÒThat
is not what this signal means.Ó
Spock did something with his hand, and Jim smiled broadly.
When
the music stopped, he walked the blonde off the dance floor, then strode
casually over to them, as if he had no burning interest in getting them out of
there. ÒSo, we have a decision?Ó
She
nodded. ÒThis is a trial run. Or maybe a fantasy come true and thatÕs
it. One night. ThatÕs all IÕm committing to.Ó
He
nodded. Then he looked at
Spock. ÒYou outdid yourself.Ó
ÒI
was quite persuasive, Jim.Ó
ÒOh,
quit congratulating each other.Ó She
walked off, heard them coming up quickly behind her. She smiled as they flanked her—it
was damned nice to suddenly be this wanted. Even if it only worked for a night.
##
It
was a short walk to the hotel Jim had booked. A lovely place, all dark wood and some
marble-like stone. He led them to
an elevator marked ÒPrivateÓ and smiled.
ÒBenefit of saving the quadrant.
You get a room on the ritzy floors.Ó He palmed the up button and the elevator
opened.
The
ride was quick, and the elevator opened to a woman sitting at a fancy
desk. ÒCaptain Kirk. So glad you will be staying with us.Ó She gave Spock and Chapel warm smiles
and then ignored them in a gracious rather than snooty way.
Discretion
apparently came with the private check-in.
She
held out a padd for them to run their hands over to get access to the door, and
Chapel looked at Jim to see if he really wanted a record of her being there.
He
shot her a strange look and then said with a grin, ÒIÕm not going to let you in
if you get locked out fetching ice.
Palm yourself on the door, woman.Ó
Chapel
did what he said, but glanced back at him. ÒFetching ice is not my job.Ó
ÒFigure
of speech.Ó
ÒUh
huh.Ó
ÒI
will procure any ice that is needed,Ó Spock said, and his tone was that of
someone who thought he needed to make peace.
She
grinned at Jim who laughed softly.
She moved back to let Spock put his palm on the padd and whispered, ÒNow
we know how to get him to do things.
Fake fight.Ó
ÒChristine,
I am perfectly capable of hearing you at that volume.Ó
The
woman was ignoring their witty repartee; she input a few things to the padd and
then said, ÒRoom 2203, Captain.
Enjoy your stay.Ó
Jim
turned and led Spock and Chapel down the hallway. Their room was large with a separate
sitting room, and a nicely sized bed in the bedroom. The view was amazing, and she stood for
a moment at the window taking it in.
When
she turned, she saw that Jim was leaning on a console table, his eyes going
from her to Spock. ÒI think Chris
needs you to show her you really mean this, Spock. And I know IÕm not averse to watching
that.Ó
She
swallowed audibly, then could feel her face turning red. Holy God, was there any scenario in
which this wasnÕt awkward? One that
didnÕt involve alcohol anyway?
ÒRelax,
Chris. And it might be helpful to
breathe.Ó Jim was enjoying this way
too much.
If
sheÕd thought Spock had looked predatory during the Pon
Farr, he was double that now. There
was nothing tentative about the way he approached her, the way he drew her into
his arms. He smoothed her hair
back, ran his hands down her back and inside the fabric, cupping her rear. ÒKiss me,Ó he said very softly.
ÒYou
kiss me.Ó
For
a moment, they stayed there, like two stubborn school kids, then Jim laughed
and Spock raised an eyebrow and leaned in and kissed her.
Kissed
the hell out of her, to be exact.
She
put her arms around his neck and kissed him back for all she was worth. When they pulled away enough to breathe,
they both turned and looked at Jim.
He
smiled and pushed himself off the console.
ÒHot. Very, very hot.Ó He held out his hand to her. ÒCome here.Ó
She went. He caught her up and
kissed her in a way that made what he did in the lift seem like a
schoolboy. He was grinning when
they pulled away.
She
knew she was grinning the same way.
ÒOkay, if those kisses were any indication, I am not going to survive
this.Ó
Jim
laughed. ÒThey have excellent
medical staff at this hotel.Ó
Spock
nodded.
Chapel
decided not to ask how they knew that.
##
She
woke, Jim on one side of her, his hand thrown casually over her stomach, Spock
on the other, his hand on her thigh.
She shifted slightly, realized that she was very sore in places that had
not been used for a while.
It
felt goddamn fantastic.
The
boys had pulled out all the stops.
She wasnÕt sure there were names for some of the positions theyÕd gotten
her into.
And
sheÕd had fun with them, not just sex.
Sure they were passionate and intense but so easy to be naked around. Spock especially surprised her. Once he realized she was committed to
enjoying herself, he seemed to fully relax—and really let go.
And
the man could seriously let go when he wanted to.
She
hadnÕt felt this...free in a long time.
SheÕd been running toward things for so long. Going from undergrad to masters to
doctorate. Then trying to keep up
with Roger. Then putting everything
on hold to find him. Even once she
found him, sheÕd thrown herself into nursing, then finished her MD program in record
time—and somehow won the appointment as CMO on the goddamn flagship.
SheÕd
run herself ragged. She was
tired. And it was nice to just lie
back and enjoy the afterglow of something that was just for her.
And
something she didnÕt have to commit to.
She
did not have to commit to this. For a moment, she just played with that
idea like it was a candy sheÕd never tried before. A really good candy she might like to
have every now and then but not make a diet of.
ÒYou
look happy,Ó Jim said softly, and she turned her head, saw that he was watching
her with a smile.Ó
ÒI
am. I feel great. I may not be able to walk when we
finally get out of this bed, but I feel wonderful.Ó
He
smiled. ÒFor what itÕs worth, I
feel great, too.Ó
She
leaned in and kissed him. ÒItÕs
worth a lot. And our Vulcan
friend—I think he enjoyed himself.Ó
ÒOh,
hell, yeah. He only makes that much
noise when heÕs lost in it.Ó He
grinned.
ÒI
think I need to say something that might not make you happy, though.Ó
ÒIÕm
lousy in bed?Ó He started to
laugh. ÒI have terrible body
odor? You hate the shape of my
dick?Ó
She
laughed. ÒNo, you big idiot. YouÕre great in bed, you smell fine, and
I happen to love your dick.Ó
ÒWhew.Ó He smiled gently, clearly waiting.
ÒOkay,
so this is not what I expected to be saying but...I really like being the free
agent part of this equation. I
mean, this was amazing and IÕm very much interested in doing it again if you
two want to. But...I like the
freedom of not being in a relationship.
I donÕt want to...Ó
ÒCommit?Ó He started to laugh. ÒChris, this is not a revelation to
me. It will be to Spock. He tends to think of relationships in
terms of possession, so weÕll have to work on him.Ó He reached over and pushed SpockÕs arm
gently. ÒYou awake, buddy?Ó
Chapel
laughed when Spock made grumbly still-asleep noises.
ÒHe
can sleep through anything once heÕs really worn out.Ó Jim kissed her slowly, then smiled as he
pulled away. ÒChris, when have you
ever been a traditional type?Ó
ÒI
was with Roger.Ó
ÒWere
you? Were you ever with Roger? He shipped out relatively soon after you
two got engaged, right?Ó
She
nodded. ÒTwo months or so.Ó
ÒAnd
before your engagement, were you living openly together?Ó
She
shook her head. ÒHe planned this
elaborate strategy for us to avoid scandal to him or me. The engagement was the culmination of
that. And then after the
engagement, he was giving up his apartment, so he moved in with me, but it
wasnÕt as if we had settled down together.
Everything was being sent to storage, not integrated. He was gone a lot for the mission prep.Ó
ÒAnd
you let him go off for a long-term mission without you. Right after getting engaged.Ó
ÒWell,
I had a project I was working on.
One more degree to get.Ó She
smiled. ÒOh.Ó
ÒYeah. And you were the one to leave the Enterprise not because you had a
hopeless crush on me like Jan did, or on Spock as many might think. You left the ship because you were bored
out of your mind.Ó
ÒI
never said that.Ó
ÒYou
didnÕt have to.Ó He rubbed her
cheek. ÒI can read you better than
you think.Ó
ÒBut
I left everything to find Roger.Ó
ÒYou
did. I never said youÕre not
capable of great devotion and love.
I just donÕt think youÕre made for the day to day, necessarily. And IÕm all right with that.Ó He pulled her close, cuddled her and
kissed her forehead. ÒItÕs probably
better in some ways. I donÕt see
how three of us would work. But two
with a very special friend?Ó
She
smiled. ÒWill you have other very
special friends?Ó
ÒNo.Ó
She
decided she loved that answer. ÒI
love you. I love Spock. I can see
loving you the rest of my life.Ó
She smiled sheepishly. ÒWith
no commitments. Is that fair to you
two?Ó
ÒNormally,
IÕd worry if we were being fair to you since I am committed to him.Ó
She
thought about that. ÒI donÕt feel
any undue angst.Ó
ÒDoesnÕt
surprise me. If I were a betting
man, and I sort of am, IÕd say youÕll be off this ship in two years tops. YouÕll get bored in sickbay really quickly,
even as a doctor, I think. I can move
you to some other science billet, but then youÕll get bored again. YouÕve always been restless, Chris. Look how many degrees you have—how
many subjects you minored in.Ó
ÒRestless. IÕve never thought of myself that way.Ó
ÒAnd
youÕre ambitious, too. You could
have had me on Earth, but you wanted the Enterprise,
you wanted to be CMO.Ó
ÒIÕm
not Lori-style ambitious. For what
itÕs worth, I didnÕt know I could have you.Ó
ÒFor
what itÕs worth, you never even explored it. Married. Kids. Is that what you want?Ó
ÒKids
maybe. Someday. And how convenient would that be for you
two? Built-in baby mama.Ó
He
smiled. ÒThatÕs not why weÕre
here. Not that the idea isnÕt
attractive, since youÕve put it out there.
But weÕre here because I love you and so does he—or he wants you a
lot and itÕs a short step to love.Ó
ÒSo
weÕre together but not. IÕm your
on-the-side girlfriend?Ó
ÒMinus
the sneaking around part. YouÕll
start spending more time with us on the ship. People will get used to seeing us together.
And whenever we feel like it, we
can do this.Ó
ÒI
really liked this. I wasnÕt sure
how it would work with three.Ó
ÒIÕve
done it. It was never this
good. It was never full of the
feelings I think we all three share.Ó
He rubbed her arm. ÒI do love
you, Chris.Ó
She
felt Spock move behind her, nuzzling in, his arm going around her waist as he
spooned her. ÒYouÕre awake?Ó she
asked.
ÒI
have been. I knew you two would
talk more honestly if you thought I was asleep.Ó
That was an important fact
to file away: Spock was unfailingly
sneakier than she expected. ÒThis
honest talk upsetting you?Ó
ÒSomewhat. A free agent implies to me that you
might sleep with others on the ship.Ó
ÒA
free agent implies I have that right.
The fact that I love you two, and sex with you is mind boggling is
likely to limit any desire on my part to find a new partner.Ó
His
voice was amused as he said, ÒThat is very logical.Ó He kissed the back of her neck, sending
shivers down her spine. ÒThis is
unexpected, though, that you would not want to be with us as a full partner.Ó
ÒThought
I was the little woman type?Ó Truth
to tell, she had sort of thought of herself that way, too. Jim was full of interesting insights,
which is why sheÕd enjoyed talking to him all those times on Earth.
ÒI
did.Ó He reached a little further,
found JimÕs hand and squeezed—she could feel the sensation as they touched
over her stomach. ÒThis will take
some getting used to.Ó
ÒI
think a threesome in general will take some getting used to, dear.Ó Jim was grinning.
ÒYes,
no doubt. I am tired. Go back to sleep.Ó Spock nuzzled deeper into her neck and
soon his breathing changed to that of slumber.
ÒGets
imperious when heÕs tired, huh?Ó
ÒThat
he does.Ó Jim shot him a fond look
over her shoulder. ÒI donÕt mind.Ó
##
Chapel
knew she was smiling way too much the next day as she worked through her
shift. Len kept looking at her with
a ÒWhat the hell have you been up to?Ó expression on his face.
She
even found herself flirting a little with Lieutenant Austin from
astrophysics. But he flirted first,
saying, ÒI should have gotten injured way before now. I havenÕt seen you around,Ó before she
could even get her scanner going.
ÒThen
you donÕt get out much.Ó
He
laughed. ÒI do, actually. Do you?Ó
She
tried to bite back the smile that was threatening. She might not get out all that much but
when she did, she went to town.
ÒMaybe not.Ó
ÒI
donÕt know. That little grin youÕre
hiding is saying something. Maybe I
should ask for a switch to Alpha shift?Ó
There
was a low cough behind her, and she saw Austin suddenly straighten up and
mutter, ÒSir, hello.Ó
She
knew without turning around that it was Spock. ÒDoctor McCoy is in his office if you
need him, sir.Ó
ÒI
was hoping to talk to you.Ó
ÒYou
can wait in my office, if you like.Ó
ÒI
prefer to wait here as I have not had time to welcome Lieutenant Austin to the
ship. Aside from your injury, how
are you finding it?Ó
ÒItÕs
good, sir. Great, actually. I was about to tell Doctor...Ó
ÒChapel,Ó she murmured.
ÒChapel
that IÕd like to be on Alpha shift.Ó
Austin
was ballsy, sheÕd give him that.
ÒGamma
might be more appropriate,Ó Spock said in his most Vulcan tone. ÒWe tend to overload Alpha or Beta with
good officers to the detriment of Gamma shift.Ó
AustinÕs
face changed. ÒIÕm happy on Beta,
sir. I donÕt need to be changed.Ó
ÒSo
long as you are sure. Doctor, I
think I will wait in your office.Ó
ÒOkey dokey.Ó She resisted rolling her eyes, just
patched Austin up as quickly as she could and released him.
She
went into her office, hit the privacy lock, and said, ÒWhat was that?Ó
ÒI
was making small talk with a member of the crew. It is required of me as first officer.Ó
ÒYou
were practically pissing in the corners.
IÕm not your property.Ó
ÒI
did not say you were.Ó
ÒYou
have no reason to be jealous. ItÕs
partially your fault that IÕm feeling...flirtatious.Ó
ÒAnd
the other reason is Lieutenant Austin?Ó
She
sat on her desk in front of him.
ÒNo, the other reason would be Jim.
You remember him. Brown
hair, hazel eyes, was in bed with us?
Austin just got the afterglow benefit. I donÕt like him. But if I did, you would have nothing to
say about it.Ó
ÒI
would have much to say about it. Whether
or not you believe I have the right to say it is what is at question.Ó
She
leaned down, put her hands on his cheeks, and kissed him soundly. Then said, ÒIt boggles my mind that
youÕre the needy one.Ó
ÒI
am not needy. I merely expect you
to—Ó
ÒHow
do you put up with Jim if this bothers you?Ó Something changed in his expression, and
she closed her eyes. ÒAhhh. That
bothers you, too, but you canÕt control him and you think you can control me.Ó
ÒIf
I did think that, I no longer do.Ó
ÒDid
you let Jim have me so he wouldnÕt take anyone else?Ó
ÒNo. He will do whatever is in the best
interest of the ship. And sex is a
weapon he wields quite effectively.
I could not stop him if I wanted to.Ó
ÒHe
hurts you. Every time he does it,
doesnÕt he?Ó
ÒHe
will hurt you, too, Christine. Do
not act as though you are outside of this.Ó He shook his head. ÒI apologize for my behavior with
Lieutenant Austin. Do you want him
on Alpha shift?Ó
ÒNo.Ó At his look, she said, ÒNo, IÕm serious,
I donÕt.Ó
She
got off the desk and started to walk around to her chair, but he surprised her
by pulling her onto his lap. He
seemed to want her to kiss him, so she indulged herself, sighed as she felt him
running his hands up and down her back.
As
he held her close, she whispered in his ear, ÒIÕm just happy from the other
night. IÕm floating, in fact. You two made me feel good. You are a big part of the you two
element.Ó She pulled back so she
could see his face. ÒDonÕt spoil
this by being jealous.Ó
ÒI
will try.Ó
She
studied him. ÒIÕm not sure how this
works. Would Jim be okay with how
weÕre sitting if he walked in right now?
Would you be all right if it were his lap I was on?Ó
ÒYou
are ours. Whatever we do is fine.Ó
ÒIs
that you talking or the two of you talking? And IÕm not yours, damn it. Think of me as a vid you rented, not as
one you own.Ó
ÒI
do not rent vids.Ó
ÒBut
you understand the reference, donÕt you?Ó
He
nodded.
She
got off his lap. ÒDid you have a
reason for coming to sickbay?Ó
ÒTo
see you.Ó
ÒBig
sap.Ó She smiled; it felt good to be
wanted after so long wanting him.
ÒJim
often says the same thing.Ó
ÒGo
back to the bridge. I have things
to do.Ó She waited until he stood,
then unlocked the door.
As
he left, Len came out of his office and walked over to her. ÒYou want to tell me what the hell is
going on?Ó
ÒNope.Ó
ÒYou
seem pretty happy today.Ó
ÒYeah?Ó She shrugged.
ÒI
saw you in the square with the two of them. Going into that very nice hotel.Ó
ÒThat
very nice hotel has a great bar.Ó
ÒI
know. ThatÕs where I was headed. I was there and you three werenÕt. You sure you know what youÕre
doing?Ó He gave her a searching
look that told her he knew exactly what Jim and Spock were to each other.
ÒIÕm
not doing anything.Ó She smiled
gently and walked back into her office.
ÒYouÕre
playing with fire.Ó
ÒNot
doing anything, Len.Ó She turned
and gave him the blandest look she could.
He
just shook his head and walked back to his office.
##
Later
that day, when she was off shift, she ran into Jim in the corridors. He pulled her out of the way of traffic,
leaning in the way sheÕd seen him do when he was consulting on a medical issue
with Len.
ÒHow
are you?Ó he asked.
ÒIÕm
fine. IÕm more than fine.Ó She gave him the smile sheÕd been trying
to hold back all day.
ÒGood
God, did you smile at Austin that way?
No wonder he wanted you.Ó He
was laughing as he said it.
ÒSpock
told you?Ó
ÒDidnÕt
I say freedom is going to be problematic for a while? Just stick to your guns.Ó He put his hand under her elbow, got her
going toward the lift. ÒCome talk
to me while I get ready for a meeting with some cadets who are coming aboard
for their interims.Ó
ÒLucky
cadets.Ó
ÒHand
picked by me.Ó He smiled. ÒOne of the perks of being captain: I
get to choose who gets to be on my ship.Ó
ÒSo
if the next generation tanks, youÕll be to blame?Ó
He
laughed. ÒWell, I guess thatÕs the
negative way of looking at it.Ó
As
she followed him off the lift and to his quarters, she asked softly, ÒWhat
exactly do you have to do to get ready for a Ôwelcome aboardÕ meet-and-greet
with cadets?Ó
He
started to laugh. ÒGoddamn
nothing. But it got you this far.Ó
She
shook her head. ÒIÕd have come on
my own.Ó
ÒI
know. But itÕs more fun to do
this. Keeps me in practice for
tricking aliens.Ó As soon as his
door closed, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her.
She
kissed him back, just as thoroughly as sheÕd been kissing Spock earlier. When he finally pulled away, she said,
ÒIÕm a little confused on how this works.
DidnÕt you say you wanted us all to be there when we did this sort of
thing?Ó
ÒI
did. But since Spock got to kiss
you this afternoon, I think itÕs only fair.Ó
ÒHe
told you?Ó
ÒOh,
hell yes. I think heÕs afraid to
not tell me anything right now after what happened before.Ó He pulled her to sit next to him on the
bed. ÒWe do need to establish some
ground rules, though.Ó
ÒAre
we going to establish them horizontally?Ó
She started to laugh. ÒYou
do have chairs at your table we could have sat in.Ó
ÒHmmm. Good point. But I canÕt do this.Ó He kissed her again.
His
door chime rang and he said, ÒIdentity of visitor?Ó
ÒCommander
Spock,Ó the computer said.
ÒCome.Ó
ÒOh,
such a poor choice of words.Ó
He
laughed and did not let go of her.
Spock walked in and didnÕt seem surprised to see them together. She seemed to be the only one feeling
weird.
ÒThe
cadets are beginning to assemble, Jim.Ó
ÒShall
I leave her in your hands, then?Ó
ÒI
must once again point out that if IÕm in anyoneÕs hands, it wonÕt be because
IÕm left there, but because I choose to be there.Ó
ÒUnderstood.Ó Jim looked up at Spock. ÒHow does this work? Our free agent here wants to know. She seems to be the most concerned about
our feelings, which should probably bother me more than it does.Ó
ÒAgreed. I find myself drawn to her even though I
know I should wait.Ó
ÒSitting
right here.Ó
Jim
squeezed her. ÒAs long as we donÕt
have to share you with anyone else, we can go back to SpockÕs scenario if
thatÕs what you want. ItÕs going to
be hard for the three of us to find time together—Ó
ÒOkay,
IÕm calling bullshit on that. WeÕre
in here now. We could easily screw.
Why are we going back to one on one? What is going on?Ó She pulled out of his grasp, suddenly
understanding what an alien being duped by James T. Kirk might feel like. ÒI actually have plans with my friend. You two can get each other off just like
youÕre used to once you say hello to the kiddies.Ó
ÒChris.Ó Jim sounded puzzled.
ÒYouÕre
confusing me at this point. And
annoying me. IÕm not a new toy.Ó
ÒIn
some ways, you very much are.Ó
Spock looked surprised when she turned on him. ÒIt is novel, having you with us.Ó
ÒYes,
but suddenly youÕre not having me with you plural. You singular are both trying to snag
me. Figure out what weÕre doing
before you start playing games with me as your soccer ball.Ó
They
looked at her, both clearly surprised.
ÒI
think youÕre still mad at each other and youÕve never talked it out. DonÕt you see that? Spock, youÕre mad at Jim for leaving you,
for getting mad at what you did to someone as insignificant as me. HeÕs mad at you for doing it to me and
him—and possibly for running off to Gol. I feel like the flag in a game of tug of
war. And IÕm not going to be
that. The other night was
wonderful. LetÕs not ruin it, all
right?Ó She started for the door,
then turned back to look at them.
ÒAnd when did I become the
voice of reason? That should
terrify you, boys.Ó
She
left them standing with their own versions of stunned amazement and walked to
the rec lounge. Ny was waiting for
her.
ÒBad
day at the office, dear?Ó she said as Chapel stormed up the bar.
ÒSomething
like that.Ó
ÒYou
know, I donÕt miss much.Ó
ÒRight.Ó She motioned the bartender over.
ÒLike
how youÕve been sort of alternately weird pensive and weird happy.Ó
ÒIÕll
have a margarita and my friend will have whatever poison sheÕs clearly had too
much of already.Ó
ÒChapel,
deflect all you want. Something is
going on and IÕm going to get to the bottom of it.Ó
ÒCan
we just drink, Ny? There are days
when it would have been saner—I just know it—if Decker were still
in charge.Ó
Ny
frowned but she nodded. ÒSure, we
can just drink.Ó As she took her
glass from the bartender, she murmured, ÒYou can tell me anything, Christine. Anything. I mean that.Ó
Chapel
suddenly wondered if that were true.
Either that Ny would want to hear what was really going on or that Jim
and Spock would want her talking about it.
For
a free agent, she suddenly felt very hemmed in.
##
She
decided to avoid Jim and Spock for a few days, let them work out whatever they
needed to without their new ÒtoyÓ around to distract them. She went to dinner one night with Len,
met up with Ny for a vid night in her quarters, and even agreed to go to lunch
with Austin, who was proving more persistent than she expected.
He
was sort of interesting. Seemed
more taken with himself than she was, if she was honest. When he asked her if she had plans for
that evening, she told him she was going to the rec lounge. When he asked her if she wanted to go
together, she said no. DidnÕt try
to pretty it up. DidnÕt give him
any ÒItÕs not you, itÕs meÓ speeches.
Just ÒNo.Ó
As
rejections went, it was cold. He
seemed to take it in stride.
So
here she was, sitting at the bar, Austin across the lounge hitting up some new
ensign. She sipped her tequila and
tonic carefully; she did not want to get drunk tonight, just wanted the warm/tart
taste of one of her favorite drinks.
ÒIÕve
left you alone,Ó Jim said as he slipped onto the stool beside her.
ÒAs
have I.Ó Spock took the stool on
her other side.
ÒWe
have left you alone, is what weÕre trying to say. Unilaterally or together.Ó
She
nodded but didnÕt look at either of them.
ÒAre
you unhappy, Christine?Ó Spock asked.
ÒI
donÕt know what I am.Ó She looked
at Spock and gave him a gentle smile.
ÒI should have left the ship.Ó
ÒI
disagree. Most stridently.Ó He looked past her at Jim. ÒWhat do you think?Ó
ÒI
think you were right, Chris. We did
need to work some things out and we were putting you in the middle.Ó
Spock
nodded.
She
turned to look at Jim. ÒI donÕt
want to just be a toy.Ó
ÒYouÕre
not. We wouldnÕt be having this
conversation if you were. We never
would have pursued you if you didnÕt mean something to us.Ó He stopped talking as the officer
serving as bartender came to take their order. ÒSingle malt for me—you know what
kind. Water for our
live-on-the-edge friend. What the
hell are you drinking, Chris?Ó
ÒTequila
and tonic. And IÕm fine. IÕm nursing it tonight.Ó
ÒYou
heard the lady.Ó He waited until
his drink was in front of him and the bartender had moved off, when he said,
ÒWeÕre sorry.Ó
ÒYes,Ó
Spock said, and she thought she heard real regret in his voice. ÒMy memories of the other night are most
pleasant.Ó
ÒAs
are mine,Ó Jim said.
ÒAnd
we do not wish to make your memories of it disagreeable.Ó
She
started to smile. ÒWow, when you
two do a concerted effort, youÕre damn near irresistible. I can see why so many missions go your
way.Ó
Jim
smiled. ÒSo, do you forgive us?Ó
ÒYes.Ó She looked at Spock. ÒYes, I forgive you. For this, for the memory thing.Ó
She
took a drink, saw Len watching them from the corner of the lounge. ÒHow much does Len know?Ó
ÒAbout
us?Ó Jim shrugged. ÒWeÕve never hidden much from him, but
weÕve never come right out and said it, either.Ó
ÒIf
he were to inquire, I believe we would have told him.Ó Spock studied her. ÒWhy do you ask?Ó
ÒHeÕs
warned me to be careful.Ó She
glared at Spock. ÒAfter you came
into sickbay with your ÔChristineÕs my woman. You back offÕ routine.Ó
He
had the grace to look chagrined.
ÒSocially
not the most crafty of boyfriends, Chris.
Something youÕll have to learn to make allowances for.Ó Jim winked at her.
ÒDo
we care if Len knows? I guess
thatÕs what IÕm asking.Ó
Jim at least thought about it for a moment before he said, ÒI donÕt think
so. HeÕll just ride you the way he
used to, only now in private because he wonÕt want to hurt any of us.Ó
ÒGreat. Loved that the first time. His tongue is forged of acid when he
wants it to be.Ó
ÒWould
you like me to talk to him?Ó Spock asked.
ÒNo,Ó
she and Jim said at once.
She
started to laugh at how offended he looked. ÒSorry, honÕ.Ó She yawned, realized she was beat. She drained about half her drink, left
the rest in the glass as she put it down.
ÒIÕm going to bed, gentlemen.
IÕm exhausted.Ó
ÒBut
you feel better about things?Ó Jim
gave her a very sweet smile.
She
nodded. ÒI think thatÕs why IÕm
suddenly so beat. All of the fight
went out of me.Ó
ÒWe
do not wish to fight with you.Ó
SpockÕs voice was very tender.
ÒThis
is so warped.Ó She patted them both
on the knees and then slid off her barstool and went straight to her quarters.
She
was asleep seconds after her head hit the pillow.
##
ÒChristine,Ó
Len called from the door of her office.
She turned, saw he was with another doctor. ÒYes, sir?Ó
Len
smiled, probably at the unaccustomed formality, and said, ÒThis is Doctor Minors. HeÕs just transferred over from the Bogota. Sam, this is Doctor Christine
Chapel. SheÕs deputy CMO.Ó
ÒGood
to meet you, maÕam.Ó He was a
lieutenant just like her, but still managed to give her the respect due her
position if not her rank. And he
had a sweet, ÒAw shucksÓ thing going.
She hoped to hell he was competent and not just coasting on political
savvy and charm.
ÒWelcome
aboard, Sam. And please, call me
Christine. WeÕre pretty informal
here.Ó
ÒWhen sheÕs not sirring me for the new folks.Ó Len laughed softly. ÒIn fact, I canÕt remember the last time
you sirred me.Ó
ÒI
think it was before the refits.Ó
ÒCan
I turn him over to you, Christine?
You can show him the peculiarities of this sickbay since they made it
better.Ó He rolled his eyes rather
obviously, probably so Minors would know he was kidding. ÒShow him the ship while youÕre at it?Ó
She
narrowed her eyes. What was he
doing? He never made her give the Òbreak-in
the newbiesÓ tour: she tended to be a little too blunt. ÒSure, be happy to.Ó
ÒGreat. Sam, welcome again. I think youÕre going to like it here.Ó
She
got up and took him around sickbay, finding out how long heÕd served, what his
most difficult cases had been, what he was used to treating and not. He seemed competent, so she relaxed a
little.
ÒYou
grill everyone this way?Ó he asked softly as they made the rounds of the
various inventory rooms.
She
laughed. ÒThis is why he normally
doesnÕt have me welcome people. IÕm
like the anti-welcome committee.Ó
He
smiled. ÒHe told me an awful lot
about you. He thinks the world of
you is my impression.Ó
ÒWeÕve
worked together a long time is all.Ó
ÒDo
you always do that? Not take a
compliment?Ó
She
thought about it. ÒProbably.Ó She led him into the decon
area. ÒWell, thatÕs sickbay. How much of a tour of the ship do you
really need?Ó
ÒI
studied up on the schematics before I came. Did not want to be found lost in the
corridors.Ó
ÒGood
man.Ó She looked at the chrono. ÒWell,
IÕm about to—Ó
She
saw Spock walk in. His look
darkened when he saw her with Minors.
What part of ÒIÕm not yoursÓ was so goddamn hard for him to understand?
ÒYouÕre
about to...?Ó
ÒGo
to lunch. Care to join me?Ó
ÒOh. Okay.Ó
ÒStay
right here.Ó She walked to LenÕs
office, said, ÒIÕm taking him to lunch,Ó and he nodded without looking up. Then she rejoined Minors and took him
over to where Spock was waiting.
ÒCommander Spock, have you met Doctor Minors?Ó
ÒI
have not. Welcome to the Enterprise, Doctor.Ó
ÒThank
you, sir. ItÕs a pleasure to be
here. And an honor to meet you.Ó
She didnÕt think MinorsÕ boyish charm was getting him anywhere with Spock. ÒOkay, well, weÕre just going to
lunch. Len is in his office if you
need him.Ó She motioned for Minors to
follow her and walked away.
ÒIÕve
heard so much about him,Ó Minors said as soon as the door was closed. ÒHeÕs...Ó
ÒA
Vulcan.Ó A Vulcan she was going to
be talking to Jim about. ÒAnd an
extraordinarily competent officer.
Brilliant. All the things
youÕve heard.Ó She waved the topic
of Spock off.
She
spent the bulk of lunch sticking to work topics. As much as she wanted to teach Spock a
lesson in ÒChristine is a free agent,Ó she was not going to fall for LenÕs
obvious ploy.
Did
he think she wouldnÕt notice that Minors looked quite a bit like Roger?
##
She
commed Jim once she was off shift and in her quarters. ÒCan I talk to you?Ó
ÒMe
alone or me with Spo—Ó
ÒYou
alone.Ó
ÒOkay. You want to come to me?Ó
ÒSure. IÕll be right there.Ó She headed down the corridor—at
least they were on the same deck so she didnÕt feel as if she was going to be
ÒcaughtÓ somewhere she didnÕt belong.
She rang for access; the door slid open quickly and she ducked in.
ÒIs
there some reason you are acting like youÕre committing a crime by coming to
see me?Ó He looked up from his
table, where padds were spread out.
ÒI
donÕt know. I donÕt know how to
act.Ó
ÒStart
by sitting down.Ó He shot her a
wary smile. ÒThen tell me whatÕs
wrong that you donÕt want Spock here to listen to.Ó
She
sat across from him rather than beside him, and by the look in his eyes, he
knew sheÕd chosen that seat on purpose.
ÒHe was in sickbay again today.
Normally, we have to hogtie and/or sedate him to get him in for required
visits. Now heÕs just showing up
randomly.Ó
ÒHe
didnÕt tell me he was down there.Ó
ÒGuess
heÕs done being unsure of you.Ó She
leaned back and crossed her arms over her chest. ÒIÕm not your property.Ó
ÒI
know that. Why doesnÕt he?Ó He sighed and rubbed his eyes. ÒDid he say something that ticked you
off?Ó
ÒItÕs
how he watches me. The way he
reacted when he saw me with a new doctor.
Like...he didnÕt like it. Is
this what you put up with?Ó
ÒNo. No, itÕs not.Ó He frowned slightly. ÒMaybe this has to do with the Pon Farr.Ó
ÒYou
mean heÕs about to go through that again?Ó
ÒNo. Although I suppose we canÕt rule that
out. But I mean more how you first
came together. During the Pon Farr. Maybe
at some basic level he really does think youÕre his?Ó
She
stared at him. ÒAnd itÕs just
coming out now? He couldnÕt have
had this epiphany years ago? Like,
say, just before he took my goddamn memory away?Ó
ÒWe
werenÕt all together the same way.
He was so...relaxed the other night with you and me. Maybe he let you in—more than he
ever has. Maybe it triggered
something.Ó He held up his hand
when she was about to comment. ÒI
donÕt know, all right? He doesnÕt
do this to me. Do you want me to
talk to him?Ó
ÒHe
needs to back off.Ó
ÒHow
far? WeÕre sort of making this up
as we go along, you know. This
arrangement may work better for humans than for Vulcans.Ó
ÒThat
thought has occurred to me.Ó She
looked down, unwilling to meet his eyes.
ÒI just wanted to have some fun.Ó
ÒAnd
we did. And we will again if we
choose to. Unless you want this to
stop altogether and then IÕll have a slightly different talk with Spock.Ó
She
sighed. ÒI donÕt want this to stop. I just want him to quit being so damn
creepy.Ó
ÒOkay. IÕll talk to him.Ó He rubbed his eyes again.
ÒYou
feeling okay?Ó
He
shook his head. ÒToo many reports,
a raging headache, and not enough sleep.Ó
ÒWell,
I canÕt help you with the reports, but I can get you something for the headache
if you want—and itÕll help you sleep.Ó
He
shook his head. ÒIÕll tough it
out.Ó
She
had been expecting that answer. ÒComm me if you change your mind.Ó She stood, was unsure if she should give
him a kiss or just leave. This was
so goddamned confusing.
He
looked up at her and gave her a tired smile. ÒGet over here.Ó
She
moved to his side of the table, leaned down and kissed him soundly.
Then
he let her go and said, ÒNow skedaddle.
Or IÕll be giving Spock that talk from bed with you in it.Ó
She
laughed, but the laugh came out a little strained. He looked up at her, his expression
questioning.
ÒSometimes
I wish it was just us.Ó
ÒItÕs
not.Ó
ÒItÕd
be simpler if it was. ThatÕs
all.Ó She touched his hair, then
turned and left.
She
managed to get back to her quarters without running into Spock.
##
The
next morning, her chime sounded as she was getting ready for her shift. She threw a robe on and opened the door.
It
was Spock. He looked uncomfortable
and said, ÒMay I come in?Ó so softly she almost missed it.
She
stood aside and let him in, the door sliding closed behind him.
ÒI
am sorry that I have been making you feel uncomfortable.Ó
She
wasnÕt sure what to say. She didnÕt
want to say it was all right or to forget about it. She motioned him into her room, sat on
the bed once he chose her desk chair.
ÒWhy are you coming to sickbay?Ó
ÒI
wish to see you.Ó
ÒWhy
are you acting so territorial once you get there?Ó
ÒI
am...unsure.Ó He took a deep breath. ÒJim told me his theory. It is conceivable that at some deep
level I do feel possessive of you because of our history during my first Pon Farr.Ó
ÒIs
it something you can control?Ó
ÒI
will do better.Ó
ÒThis
isnÕt the Pon Farr, is it?Ó She stood up, started to pace. ÒYouÕd tell me if you were feeling that
way?Ó She reached for the scanner
she kept in her quarters, held it out and he pushed her hand away.
ÒIt
is not the burning.Ó
ÒHumor
me.Ó She waited for him to lower
his hand and then began to scan him.
His readings looked perfectly normal.
ÒWas
I mistaken?Ó
ÒNo.Ó She put the scanner down, studied him as
he sat staring up at her. ÒYou
didnÕt have to deliver this message in person, you know. You could have just stopped coming to
sickbay.Ó
ÒI
wanted to see you. I wanted...to do
other things with you. I want to
even now.Ó
ÒDoes
Jim know that?Ó
He
shook his head.
ÒWould
he mind if you and I did other things?Ó
ÒI
am uncertain at this point. My decision-making
with regard to you has proven somewhat compromised.Ó
She
reached around him, tapped her comm terminal. ÒChapel to Kirk.Ó
ÒKirk
here.Ó He sounded grumpier than
when sheÕd left him.
ÒYou
alone?Ó
ÒI
am.Ó He had a sort of ÒWhat now?Ó
sound to his voice.
ÒIÕm
about to have a discussion with Mister Spock. Did you want to be included in the
discussion or should we proceed without you?Ó
There
was a long silence, so she said, ÒOr would you rather we table the discussion?Ó
He
laughed. ÒWould you?Ó
ÒOf
course.Ó
ÒI
appreciate that, Chris. No need,
though. Enjoy the discussion. IÕll join the next one. Or have one with you myself later.Ó
SpockÕs
eyebrow went up.
ÒRoger
that. Chapel out.Ó She tried to straighten up, but Spock
was pulling her into his lap. ÒI
guess we know now. How do you feel
about him doing this with me—without you?Ó
He
gave the question some thought, didnÕt just shoot off a quick answer. ÒAs it is Jim, I can share.Ó
ÒYou
donÕt like it, though?Ó
He
frowned, a very human looking frown.
ÒI am unsure.Ó
ÒYou
either do or you donÕt, Spock.Ó
He
began to take her hair out of the clips that held it up. ÒLogically, I recognize that if I can do
this with you without him here then he should be able to do it as well. But, I do not like it.Ó
ÒAre
you jealous of me or of him?Ó
ÒBoth.Ó He glanced back at her chrono. ÒWe do
not have much time.Ó
ÒI
donÕt mind a quickie if itÕll make you stop hovering.Ó
ÒPerhaps
I will hover more if sex is my reward?Ó
She
laughed as he began to pull her clothes off. ÒYouÕre right. IÕm rewarding you for bad behavior,
arenÕt I?Ó
ÒOn
the contrary. You are rewarding me
for coming to discuss the issue with you.Ó
ÒOh,
is that what IÕm doing?Ó She got up
enough to pull his pants down and straddle him, and then—oh, yes, this
had not been made rosier in her memories.
He
kissed her, and his lips on hers were ferocious and almost desperate. She kissed him back, trying to inject
some tenderness so heÕd relax, so he wouldnÕt feel so...threatened.
She
murmured his name, moving in a way she knew from their night of shore leave
that he liked. He watched her move,
his eyes finally losing some of their wildness. Then he took over. And he was extraordinarily efficient
when it came to quickies. She wondered
how often he and Jim had them. Then
she quit wondering anything as he sent her climbing and then falling to an
orgasm he muffled with his hand over her mouth.
She
was laughing as she returned the favor.
He clutched her tightly and buried his head in her chest.
ÒAnd
good morning to you, too, Mister Spock.Ó
He
pulled her down and kissed her, and this time the kiss wasnÕt so fierce and
desperate. They kissed for several
minutes, and she massaged his shoulders, making him moan when she hit several
tight spots.
ÒAm
I whatÕs making you so tense?Ó
ÒPartially. Reforging a
relationship with Jim is, as well. Simply
being on the ship, with so many people, after the solitude of Gol is trying.Ó
He bit her lip gently, then let go.
ÒThank you.Ó
ÒYouÕre
welcome.Ó She gave him one last kiss
and then climbed off him. She
pulled her pants back on, then grabbed her hairclips and walked over to the
mirror.
ÒChristine.Ó
She
turned to look at him.
ÒI
am sorry if I complicated this.Ó
She
laughed. ÒSweetheart, this thing
weÕre all doing was born complicated.
You made it stranger, but you didnÕt make it strange.Ó
He
nodded slowly, as if she had said something very wise, then he dressed but
didnÕt leave, waiting for her to get her hair back up.
They
left together.
##
Jim
showed up in sickbay after lunch.
He talked for a few minutes to Minors, then sat in LenÕs office for
about ten minutes—she heard them laughing the way they always had. A little while later, he popped into her
office, leaning against her desk while she worked at her terminal.
ÒSo
Spock was in an excellent mood when he started his shift.Ó
She
smiled and looked up at him.
ÒWhen
is your lunch?Ó he asked.
ÒWhenever
you want it to be.Ó She grinned.
He
grinned back. ÒIn an hour. My quarters? Unless youÕd rather actually have lunch
at lunchtime?Ó
ÒIÕd
rather have you.Ó
His
grin was priceless.
ÒWonderful. See you in a
bit.Ó He was up and out so fast she
doubted anyone really noticed he was in her office.
An
hour later, she walked over to LenÕs office and said, ÒSee you in a little
while.Ó
ÒHave
a good lunch.Ó Then, as she turned
away, he said, ÒOh, hey, you know, I could eat. Why donÕt I come with you?Ó
She
froze. ÒUmm. IÕm not...Ó She wasnÕt what? Headed for the mess? Planning on actually eating?
His
laugh was half amused, half not so.
ÒYeah, I didnÕt think Jim came down to shoot the shit with me. Go on, then. I hope to hell you know what youÕre
doing.Ó
She
turned and stared him down. When he
finally looked away, she said, ÒIf I do or donÕt, thatÕs my business, isnÕt
it?Ó
ÒIt
is until it compromises your performance.
Then youÕll realize what a son of a bitch I can be.Ó
She
wanted to tell him she already knew, but something in his expression told her
that maybe she really hadnÕt experienced how hard he could ride her. She settled for nodding and leaving.
Jim
was waiting for her; he pulled her into his quarters with a laugh and pushed
her up against the wall.
ÒHello
there, Captain.Ó
ÒHello
there, Doctor.Ó He kissed her
gently, surprising her by how tender he was being. ÒIÕve been thinking about this since you
commed me this morning.Ó
ÒWas
that out of line?Ó
ÒNope. You offered every alternative you
could. I chose the one I wanted
to.Ó
ÒI
would have kicked him out if youÕd told me to.Ó
He
touched her cheek. ÒI know you
would have. Maybe heÕll calm down
now that heÕs had you again.Ó He
began to take off her clothes, kissing as he went.
They
had more time than sheÕd had with Spock, and they put it to good use, and still
had time to lie together after.
He
smiled as she ran her hand across his chest. ÒThis is nice, Chris. I used to think about this when we were
on Earth. What it would be like
with you.Ó
ÒI
know. Me, too.Ó She grinned. ÒYouÕre even better than I thought you
would be. And I was giving you
pretty high marks in my imagination.Ó
He
laughed. ÒDid you ever think of me
when you touched yourse—Ó
ÒOh,
I donÕt do that. You can go blind
doing that.Ó She started to giggle
and then really laughed at how silly she sounded. ÒYes, of course I thought of you when I
did that.Ó
ÒMmmm, thatÕll keep me going for a while, too.Ó
ÒWho
did you think I thought of?Ó
ÒSpock
comes to mind. He was just fucking
you, my darling. You let him have
you first.Ó
She
studied him, trying to read what kind of emotion was behind the words. ÒYou could have had me last night. You didnÕt seem to want more than a
kiss.Ó
ÒI
was off my game, clearly.Ó He
sighed. ÒI said it was okay, and it
was okay that you were with him.
ItÕs just a little different sharing you separately than it was sharing
you together.Ó
ÒI
know.Ó She kissed him slowly. ÒI love you. For what itÕs worth, I didnÕt tell him
that today.Ó
He
gave her a sad smile. ÒThat should
not make me feel better.Ó
She
waited.
His
smile turned a little predatory.
ÒBut it does.Ó
##
Chapel
heard her name being called, turned and saw Minors coming through the
corridors. ÒHi, Sam.Ó
ÒHi. Ever since I switched to Gamma shift, I
never see you.Ó
ÒI
know. I always find shift changes
strange. But you get to meet new
people.Ó
ÒThis
is true. Some of them very
special.Ó He grinned in a way that
showed he wasnÕt hiding that he was dating Lieutenant Saavedra
from engineering.
She
felt a pang. She would not be
grinning that way anytime soon. But
then, that was what she wanted, right?
To be a free agent?
To
have two men sheÕd always wanted.
To
have to share them—to always know she was just...a diversion.
ÒYou
okay?Ó
She
laughed, ÒPersonnel issues. IÕm
sorry. Did you say something?Ó
ÒI
was wondering what you were doing for shore leave? WeÕre getting a bunch of us together to
go hiking.Ó
ÒNot
really much of a hiker, but thank you.Ó
She and Jim and Spock had their own physical activity planned. Somewhere with drapes and no sunshine
probably.
Jesus,
what was wrong with her?
ÒWell,
come by for a drink. WeÕre staying
at the Mountain Lodge.Ó
ÒMaybe
I will.Ó The ever-useful excuse she
used to put out whenever she had a ÒdateÓ with Roger and someone else wanted
her to do something.
He
smiled as if he knew that meant, ÒI wonÕt.Ó ÒGood to see you, Christine. IÕll let you go.Ó
She nodded and headed to her quarters, but when she got to the door, she looked
down the hall to JimÕs quarters.
She had no idea what he was doing.
What he and Spock might be doing.
And she didnÕt goddamn care. They
could just drop in on her, then she could do the same.
She
walked down—stomped down might be more accurate—and rang the chime.
The
door slid open and she saw Jim and Spock sitting at his table.
As
the door slid closed behind her, Jim took one look at her face and turned to
Spock. ÒWhat the hell did you do
now?Ó
ÒNothing
that I am aware of.Ó
ÒItÕs
not him. Well, it is—itÕs
both of you.Ó
Jim
frowned. ÒI donÕt follow.Ó
She
began to pace and Jim pushed the chair next to him out with his foot. ÒSit down, Chris.Ó
ÒOn
shore leave, how does it work? Do
we just hole up? Do we even see the
sun? Or do you two go out and leave
me to fill my time until we fuck again?Ó
SpockÕs
eyebrow went up, but he did not answer.
He looked at Jim in a way that clearly meant, ÒI have no idea how to
answer that.Ó
Or
possibly, ÒDo you think she is entirely sane?Ó
Jim
studied her. ÒWhat happened?Ó
ÒJust
answer my question.Ó
ÒWhat
happened?Ó
ÒSomeone
invited me to a hike when weÕre on shore leave next month. And he was happy because heÕs sharing
his shore leave with someone and...Ó
She sighed. ÒI donÕt want to
sneak around. IÕve done it. I donÕt like it.Ó
ÒDid
we sneak around last time, Chris? I
put you on the goddamn door, remember?
I know Bones saw us going into the hotel. I donÕt care.Ó
ÒYou
donÕt?Ó
ÒWell,
IÕm not going to plant a big wet one on you in public, but IÕm not going to
hide that youÕre doing things with us—and people can try to figure it out
from there. Given how Spock has
been acting, I think, as IÕve said before, theyÕll just figure youÕre with
him.Ó
ÒMay
I propose an alternative idea?Ó
Spock sounded very tentative.
They
both turned to look at him, and Chapel almost felt sorry for him. She was pretty sure her glare matched
JimÕs ÒThis better not be something that will tick her off moreÓ look.
ÒIt
might make things easier for all of us if Christine and you were thought to be a couple, Jim. She is in medical, which is independent
and thus not against regulations. I,
however, am in your direct chain of command.Ó He looked at her, then back at Jim, as
if to make sure they were listening.
ÒIt is well known that we are friends. If I were to accompany you on social
outings, I do not believe anyone would comment.Ó
She
was staring at him and just managed to close her mouth. ÒAre you serious?Ó
ÒI
am. So long as Jim is my commanding
officer, there is a conflict. You
can relieve him. I cannot.Ó
She
looked at Jim.
He
leaned in. ÒSpock, are you really
comfortable with that? I know itÕs
logical but does it feel right?Ó
Spock
leaned back and steepled his fingers: Chapel knew this was potentially going to
be a logic train loaded with immense quantities of bullshit. But she liked the direction he was
going, so she didnÕt call him on it.
ÒFirst,
Christine is clearly feeling the strain of our unusual arrangement and that
will only increase. I do not wish
to lose her. I presume you do not
wish to lose her, either, Jim?Ó
ÒI
donÕt.Ó
ÒSecond,
you were cautioned by Nogura about more than just
staying on the bridge, were you not?
Your relationship with me, for one thing?Ó
Chapel
looked at Jim—why hadnÕt he told her this?
Jim
nodded.
ÒThen
this solves that. Nogura married his shipÕs doctor so he will resonate with
your choice. I am safely relegated
to the role of friend. The three of
us can continue as we are.Ó
ÒThat
might work,Ó Jim said, but something was off in his voice. For an idea that was being posited for
the first time, he didnÕt sound surprised to hear it.
ÒYou
thought of this.Ó She laughed, a
bitter snap of air. ÒOh my God, you
goddamn thought of this. You simply
let us get here naturally.Ó
ÒIt
may have occurred to me.Ó
ÒDid
you drag me into this just so you could have him without getting in trouble?Ó
ÒNo.Ó He met her eyes, didnÕt appear to be
hiding anything. ÒYou know me. You
know what IÕm capable of. I saw
this possibility, sure. But only
after we were together. I didnÕt set
out to make you some kind of smokescreen.Ó
She
looked at Spock. ÒDoes this upset
you?Ó
ÒNo. I applaud that he thought of such a
logical solution and am somewhat chagrined I did not reach it first.Ó
ÒYou
two are insane.Ó But she didnÕt
make a move to get up. Did that
mean she was insane, too?
ÒSo
are we agreed?Ó Spock asked softly.
She
nodded. ÒJust tell me IÕm not going to have to learn to play chess to make the
ÔSpock tags along as a friendÕ scenario more plausible. IÕm more a cribbage girl.Ó
ÒI
like cribbage,Ó Jim said with a smile.
ÒUsed to pay for drinks with my winnings.Ó He reached over and held out a hand to
each of them. ÒWhat are we all
doing for the rest of the evening?Ó
ÒI
have no plans, Jim.Ó Spock looked
at her.
ÒLet
me check my social calendar.Ó She
pretended to scroll through a padd.
ÒGee, I happen to be free.Ó
ÒSpock,
could you please take our girlfriendÕs clothes off while I pour her a drink.Ó
ÒI
would be most happy to, Jim.Ó
##
The
official courtship dance began the next night in the rec lounge. She was sitting with Ny and Chekov when
Jim came over with a smile.
ÒDo
you mind if I steal Chris?Ó
Ny
shot her a surprised glance but said, ÒNo, steal away.Ó
He
put his arm around her and led her to the dance floor. ÒNot my most subtle work.Ó
She
laughed. ÒIÕm going to have some
explaining to do. I never told her
how much time we spent together on Earth.Ó
ÒWhy?Ó he asked as he led her into a slow dance.
ÒYou
werenÕt talking to me right after VÕger,
remember? She wouldnÕt have
believed me. And she was so busy
with the refits, we sort of lost touch when it was happening.Ó She relaxed into his arms. ÒBut weÕll talk about it now, I can
guarantee it.Ó
As
he turned them, she saw Spock sitting with Scotty. He glanced their way but didnÕt register
any emotion at seeing them.
ÒHeÕs
a good actor.Ó
ÒSpock? Better than people think. And he can lie, too. DonÕt ever believe that crap about
Vulcans not lying. They can, they
just usually donÕt.Ó
ÒNo,
they couch stuff in so much logic that they dazzle us with BS before they have
to resort to lying.Ó
He
laughed. ÒTrue.Ó He dropped his hand a bit lower on her
back. ÒSo, honesty time. Would you have rather have been
ÔofficiallyÕ linked with him?Ó
ÒNope. And I think you know that.Ó
The
hand went even lower.
ÒCareful
there, sailor. YouÕre supposed to
make me look like your new interest, not someone you bought for the night.Ó
He
laughed and moved his hand up a bit.
ÒTrue.Ó He sighed. ÒThis feels good. He and I...as long as weÕre captain and
first officer, weÕll never be able to be this open.Ó
ÒThen
quit being captain and first officer.Ó
She thought about that.
ÒAlthough you were a real son of a bitch on Earth. Would you have done better if heÕd been
with you?Ó
ÒDonÕt
think so. Maybe. I donÕt know.Ó He let out a little bitter laugh. ÒWho am I kidding? Off a ship, IÕm not fun.Ó
ÒYou
were fun enough that I fell for you.Ó
ÒTrue. So I didnÕt completely fail.Ó
ÒNope.Ó She tightened her hold on him and whispered,
ÒIÕm sorry IÕm not Spock.Ó
ÒIÕm
not. I didnÕt mean to imply that
with the question. I just wish I
could be this open with him, too.Ó
He leaned back, met her eyes.
ÒI never want to make you feel second best.Ó
ÒBut
I am, arenÕt I? I mean, when you
come down to it. Although second
best is still pretty good.Ó She
gave him her best smile. ÒJust to
get in the game with you...Ó
ÒSome
would say thatÕs easy.Ó
ÒNot
to matter to you. I know that about
you, Jim. You donÕt fall in love
with everyone.Ó
ÒNo,
I donÕt.Ó As the music ended, he
said, ÒLetÕs go again. Make this
look good.Ó
ÒFine
by me.Ó
They
danced through and then he smiled and walked her back to the table Ny and
Chekov were at. ÒThank you very
much.Ó He gave her his best smile, then
headed for the bar.
Ny
pursed her lips and said, ÒSomething you forgot to tell me?Ó
ÒWe
hung out a lot on Earth. He was
married then, though.Ó
ÒAnd
now heÕs not.Ó Chekov winked at
her. ÒAnd you are in medical, land
of autonomy and unpleasant physicals.Ó
ÒHandy,
I guess.Ó She shrugged. ÒIs it going to be a problem?Ó She met NyÕs
eyes.
ÒNope. No problem. Just wished youÕd told me.Ó Ny turned back to Chekov. ÒProblem for you, Pav?Ó
ÒNot
for me, no. But IÕm a fan of
romance.Ó
Chapel
laughed. ÒGood thing Jan
transferred off, though.Ó
ÒOh,
she would kill you. Slowly and with
great pleasure.Ó ChekovÕs smile was
very mischievous. ÒHow much will
you pay me to not comm her with the news.Ó
ÒI
will not make you undergo extra
embarrassing physicals.Ó
ÒA
very fair deal. I will keep this to
myself.Ó He winked at her.
She
smiled and tried not to think how much she hated lying to her friends. But it was better than it had been when
she was lying about everything.
##
ÒOkay,
I am officially jealous,Ó Ny said as she handed Chapel a drink. ÒTwo months and the captain still looks
at you like he canÕt get enough of you.Ó
Chapel
laughed and looked over to where Jim was standing. TheyÕd split up to mingle after sharing
quite a few dances. ÒItÕs nice,Ó
she said.
ÒNice? Ooh la la,
sister, if you could only see the two of you dance—itÕs more than
nice.Ó Ny smiled. ÒJan really will kill you.Ó
ÒHave
you told her?Ó
ÒI
may have mentioned it.Ó
Chapel
shot her an annoyed look.
ÒWeÕre
going to be on Earth next month, Christine. Do you want her to find out by bumping
into the two of you?Ó
ÒNo. No, I donÕt.Ó She sighed. Earth, where Jim and Spock were going to
the Vulcan Embassy for dinner with his parents. She was not going. No fake girlfriend needed apparently
with Sarek and Amanda. Or maybe it
was the other way around. No real
girlfriend wanted—too embarrassing.
Too many questions. Why
bring their toy to dinner? If
Chapel ran into Jan on Earth, sheÕd probably be alone.
ÒChristine,
you have to face her sometime.Ó
She
nodded. She knew this. But sheÕd rather face JanÕs anger
knowing she actually had Jim instead
of that she was sharing him—and that she was some sort of false front.
She
glanced over at him and he smiled.
The expression lit up his face and she didnÕt think it was a calculated
move. He seemed...happy.
But
then he loved to dance and never got to.
Of course he was happy.
ÒAre
you all right?Ó NyÕs voice was full of concern. ÒFor someone whoÕs sleeping with my
secret crush, you donÕt seem very happy.Ó
ÒItÕs
not so secret that crush of yours.Ó
She closed her eyes; that had come out way too harsh. ÒIÕm sorry, that was—Ó
ÒExactly
what IÕm talking about. The
Christine I know would have told Jan herself. And sheÕd be happy—or happier
anyway. I canÕt honestly say IÕve
ever seen you happy except maybe for the five minutes you were CMO under
Decker.Ó
Chapel
laughed. ÒYeah, blink and youÕll
miss it. Is it even on my official
bio?Ó
Ny
shot her a contrite look. ÒIÕm sure
it is. You were CMO during part of
refits, too.Ó
ÒOh,
you mean before I was physically on the ship?Ó Chapel laughed. The best job IÕve had and I didnÕt even
do it.Ó She took a deep breath. ÒIÕm sorry, Ny. IÕm just off tonight.Ó She looked over at Jim. ÒBut I am happy with him. I love him.Ó
ÒIs
that a question or a statement? You
sound pretty tentative.Ó
ÒNo,
trust me, I do love him.Ó She
finished her drink in two gulps, saw Ny make a surprised face—probably
because sheÕd finished off the first one the same way. ÒIn fact, IÕm going to go see if he
wants to get out of here.Ó
She
walked over to join Jim and when he moved them on to talk to another group of
crew, she said, ÒDo you want to go back to your quarters? IÕm really not in a group mood tonight.Ó
He
seemed to tense. ÒI told Spock IÕd
be with him tonight.Ó
She
stopped and he moved closer; they probably looked very intimate. ÒWonÕt it look odd us leaving
separately?Ó
ÒWe
wonÕt. IÕll just say goodnight at
your door. But you might want to
slow down on the drinks.Ó He gave
her his best Òsnooker the aliensÓ smile and she could feel her expression
tighten. By the look on his face,
he realized heÕd done the wrong thing.
ÒAre
you my mother now, too?Ó
ÒSorry,
you just have been drinking more than you used to.Ó
ÒThatÕs
what they make antitox for. I can be sober in two minutes if youÕre
worried IÕm too drunk to take to bed.Ó
He
shook his head and took her hand.
His face was very earnest and she felt like punching him. ÒI feel like he loses out on nights like
this, Chris. You can have me
another night, all right?Ó
Sharing
apparently wasnÕt an option? SheÕd
be damned if she was going to ask that, but it grated on her. This had been SpockÕs idea; Jim had
asked him directly if it would bother him if they were together publicly and
heÕd said no. Now Jim was deciding
it did hurt him and as far as she could tell no one had asked Spock.
Or
maybe Jim had. Maybe theyÕd had a
long talk without her?
ÒYou
know what? IÕm tired and if I stay
here I will drink too much and maybe
get angry over this and God knows what might come out of my mouth. So IÕm just going to go to bed.Ó
ÒOkay. I donÕt mean to hurt you but you get me
like this, in public. He has to
take a back seat.Ó
ÒA
back seat? Holy shit, Jim, heÕs
piloting this. When are you going
to see that?Ó
He
frowned.
ÒJust
enjoy your damned evening, okay?Ó
She
leaned in and kissed him gently, far more gently than she wanted to, but
anything for the goddamn show. Then
she walked out of the lounge, trying her best not to weave or look as angry as
she was.
ÒChristine,
wait up.Ó
She
groaned. She really could not take
Len right now. She managed to get
to the lift before he did, let it close right in front of him.
She
decided not to go to her quarters, since heÕd just come to lecture her there,
so she headed to sickbay.
Minors
smiled as she walked in. ÒGood
party?Ó
ÒThe
best.Ó Her smile was falsely brittle, but he didnÕt seem to notice. She realized she was more than a little
unsteady after that last drink and decided to grab some antitox.
ÒSorry
IÕm missing it.Ó
ÒYou
know what?Ó she said, as she popped the pills. ÒDonÕt miss it. Go, IÕll cover for you.Ó
ÒBelay
that,Ó Len said from the door.
ÒChristine, can I talk to you in my office?Ó
She
followed him into his office and hit the door button before he could. ÒWhat the hell, Len? Since when canÕt I pick up an extra
shift?Ó
ÒSince
youÕre in the kind of mood to let a lift shut in my face when you knew I wanted
to talk to you.Ó
ÒWho
knew you were so sensitive?Ó
ÒLook,
IÕve kept my mouth shut—mostly—but youÕre not happy.Ó
ÒNy
already told me that.Ó
ÒThen
listen to her if you wonÕt to me.
What is wrong with you? Did
you really think you could get between those two?Ó
ÒYou
ask because youÕve tried?Ó Her
smile was the ugliest one in her repertoire.
His
expression was one she rarely saw.
That of her boss, Commander Leonard McCoy. ÒGet out of here and go to bed. Report tomorrow with a better
attitude. Your personal life should
not impact your professional one.Ó
ÒItÕs
not.Ó
ÒNot
yet. But itÕs going to if you keep
on this way.Ó
ÒThis
isnÕt your business.Ó
ÒIt
is. YouÕre my friend and I care
about you. But youÕre also my
deputy and you can relieve the men youÕre sleeping with.Ó
There,
it was out, and the way he said it made it sound so wrong. She closed her eyes. ÒYou donÕt know thatÕs what is—Ó
ÒCut
the crap. I know you. I know them. I know you and Jim got close when you
were on Earth. I also know it doesnÕt
mean shit compared to what he feels for Spock. Nothing does. Those two...Ó He sighed.
The antitox was kicking in and she felt the
booze-fueled anger draining out of her.
She sank into his guest chair and closed her eyes. ÒWhatÕs wrong with me?Ó
He
laid a hand on her shoulder and squeezed.
ÒThatÕs the question, darlinÕ. ThatÕs the goddamned question.Ó
##
A
week later, Chapel came in from her shift and saw her comm
light flashing. She had a message from
Captain Maurice Kelting of the USS Shalimar. He was
looking for a new CMO, and he wanted her.
The Shalimar was, among other
things, a medical relief ship: to be CMO on a ship full of medical and
scientific personnel meant a huge vote of confidence.
She
couldnÕt remember meeting Kelting. But she did some quick research on the ShalimarÕs latest missions and then commed him before she could think better of it.
ÒChapel. That was fast.Ó
She
realized once she heard his voice that she had met him at a function Decker had
hosted. Had she impressed him
somehow? ÒSir, I was intrigued by
your message.Ó
ÒOnly
intrigued? IÕd expect you to be
goddamn flattered. The Shalimar is the best ship in the fleet.Ó
ÒI
serve under a captain who might debate you on that.Ó
ÒPotatoes,
potahtoes, Commander.Ó
ÒIÕm
only a lieutenant, sir.Ó
ÒCome
to my ship and youÕll be a lieutenant commander in no time.Ó
She
smiled. ÒSir, why me?Ó
ÒI
knew Will Decker. Trusted his
judgment. DonÕt necessarily always
trust KirkÕs. Not to speak ill of
your captain, but your demotion was a bit irregular.Ó
She
swallowed hard.
ÒOh,
at ease, Doctor. IÕm not going to
make a habit of badmouthing someone you obviously like. In fact, thatÕs the last IÕll say of
it. But I need someone capable, who
understands the issues of nurses, doctors, and—since I have a ship full
of them—bio-researchers. I
know the kind of work you did with Korby.
DoesnÕt this sound like it was made for you?Ó
She
nodded. ÒIt does indeed.Ó
ÒGlad
we agree. You have twenty-four
hours to tell me whether you want it.Ó
ÒI
want it.Ó The words were out before
she could call them back—then she realized she didnÕt want to call them
back. That they felt right.
He
looked surprised. ÒYou donÕt want
to think about it?Ó
ÒItÕs
an excellent opportunity. And IÕve
been worrying that IÕm treading water professionally. The CMO here is a friend and a fabulous
doctor. But weÕve worked together
for years and that can get too comfortable.Ó
ÒDoing
your job in your sleep already?Ó
She
shrugged. ÒMaybe. IÕve always been a quick study, sir.Ó
ÒI
know you are. IÕve read your file,
Doctor. I know exactly what IÕm
getting.Ó
She
imagined there were a few things he didnÕt know.
He
nodded, as if it was all settled. ÒWhen
can you report? IÕll have my exec
get the transfer started.Ó
ÒI
need to inform some people here first.
Can you give me a day before you start anything?Ó
ÒI
can. I like a person who makes her
mind up quickly. ItÕll stand you in
good stead once youÕre knee deep in a relief mission with fifty people wanting
guidance or worse, yet, approval for some cockamamie project.Ó
She
smiled. ÒI appreciate your
confidence in me, sir.Ó
ÒDonÕt
let me down. Kelting
out.Ó The screen went black.
She
stared at her terminal. Then she commed Jim. Things had been tense between them since their
talk on the dance floor. ÒYou
free?Ó
ÒIÕm
with Spock.Ó
She
felt a pang. Of course, he
was. ÒComm
me back when youÕre presentable, then. I need to talk to both of you.Ó
ÒCome
now.Ó
ÒOkay.Ó She cut the channel and got up before
she could lose her nerve, walking down the corridor quickly to ring for
admittance.
HeÕd
never put her on the door. Had he
put Spock on the door?
They
were lying on the bed, not in it.
Fully clothed, but JimÕs hair was mussed. ÒWhatÕs up?Ó he asked.
ÒI
have some news. ItÕs...maybe odd.Ó
Spock
lifted an eyebrow.
ÒThe
Shalimar is looking for a new
CMO. Her captain commed me directly.
I—I accepted.Ó
Jim
looked sandbagged. Spock, however,
did not.
ÒYou
said IÕd get restless, Jim.Ó
ÒI
didnÕt expect it to be this quickly.Ó
ÒShe
is not restless, Jim. She is
unhappy.Ó Spock was staring at her
in a knowing way. ÒShe does not
like this arrangement.Ó
Jim
sat up. ÒI know there have been
some issues with sharing but—Ó
ÒJim,
this whole relationship is about sharing.
Issues are going to become problems, and I donÕt think it will take long
for that to happen. I canÕt...I
canÕt do this.Ó
ÒYou
could have talked to me.Ó
ÒThis
is how she left last time, Jim. She
had her acceptance to medical school before she informed any of us she was
going.Ó
ÒThatÕs
right, isnÕt it? ThatÕs how you do
it. Find an escape route and go.Ó
ÒLen
knew. I went through the proper
channels. There was no reason to
tell either of you back then.Ó She
took a deep breath. ÒIÕm not angry,
Jim. Please donÕt you be. You have Spock. ItÕs not fair for you to be angry with
me for needing to get clear of this.Ó
Spock
got off the bed. ÒI am going to
leave you two alone.Ó
She
touched him on the arm. ÒAre you
happy that IÕm going?Ó
ÒNo. I will miss you.Ó He shot Jim a look she couldnÕt read and
walked out.
Jim
rolled off the bed and walked to the viewscreen,
stood watching the stars, his posture saying clearly, ÒDo not come over here.Ó
ÒI
love you, Jim. I want you for myself. I thought I could be the free agent and
share. I thought wrong.Ó
His
stance relaxed a little. ÒYou still
could have talked to me.Ó
ÒAnd
say what? ÔI want you to ditch the
love of your lifeÕ? I think Spock knows
how I feel. But then he would, wouldnÕt
he? The touch telepathy. HeÕd feel any anger or sadness
or...jealousy.Ó
ÒMaybe
if you gave it time?Ó
ÒTime
for what? To get bitter? IÕm not bitter now and look how bitchy
IÕve been. Imagine how much worse
it will get. IÕm just being realistic. ThatÕs preferable, isnÕt it? To move on while weÕre all still
friends.Ó
ÒWeÕre
more than friends.Ó
ÒAnd
I imagine we always will be, in some sense. But...IÕm sorry, youÕve got it all your
way. You have Spock and you have
me. And itÕs not fair to either of
us.Ó
He
turned to look at her. ÒThis is my
fault?Ó
ÒNot
what I mean. I just think youÕre
taking this the hardest because you like how this is the most. And I donÕt blame you. IÕd like how it was too if I was the one
most loved.Ó
ÒIs
that what this is? A contest? I love him more than you? He loves me more than you?Ó
ÒSee,
even now youÕre saying how it is.
You two love each other more than you love me. ItÕs not a contest, but it is a
little...empty. And I donÕt want to
see what happens when I canÕt take it anymore. I want to leave now, before it gets
ugly.Ó
She
walked over to him, watching him closely in case he really didnÕt want her
anywhere near him. But he pulled
her to him as soon as she was close enough and held her tightly.
ÒYou
have no idea what I feel for you, Chris.Ó
ÒI
have some idea. And I love
that. ItÕs just not enough.Ó
ÒIt
never goddamn is. Carol. Janice. Lori.Ó He let go of her.
ÒThatÕs
not fair. Lori was a bitch, who was
with you for advancement, not love.
Carol had issues sharing you with space, which I wouldnÕt have. I assume she didnÕt have to share you
with Spock?Ó
ÒNo,
she didnÕt.Ó
ÒWell
there you go. And Lester was a
raving psychopath. Do you think IÕm
that?Ó
He
shook his head.
ÒIÕm
leaving you because you need to choose one of us, and I know who it will
be. You told me who it would be
when this started.Ó
And
now he could choose him with a clear conscience. Her presence in their relationship had
put to rest the angst from SpockÕs wiping her memory.
It
had been SpockÕs idea for her to be JimÕs open girlfriend.
It
had been SpockÕs idea for her to even be in their relationship.
It
was a logical stream of events if you took away the emotional aspects and just
looked at the progression of A to B to her leaving—leaving Spock all
alone with Jim again. Spock would
be the one who remained. The one
who was loved.
Spock
was damned brilliant.
She
touched JimÕs face. ÒDo you want me
to go back to my quarters?Ó
ÒNo,
I want you to take off your clothes and get into bed.Ó
She did what he said, and he stripped off his own clothes and followed
her. The way he touched her was
angry but not violent. She could
feel his frustration with her and kept saying, ÒIÕm sorry, Jim. I love you. IÕm sorry.Ó
He
made her come several times before he let himself go. And then he held her tightly, her face
pressed against his chest as he rubbed her back.
She
buried her face in his chest so he wouldnÕt see she was crying.
By
the way he was stroking her hair and murmuring, ÒShhh,
itÕs all right,Ó she thought he knew.
##
ÒLast
night,Ó Jim said as they lay in bed after her farewell party and watched the
stars through his viewscreen.
ÒLast
night.Ó She had Jim all to
herself. Spock had said he had an
experiment in the lab that needed his attention, but she was pretty sure he was
simply letting her enjoy Jim without him.
He
pressed his lips to her forehead, said softly, ÒYou have no idea how much IÕm
going to miss you.Ó
ÒIf
itÕs as much as IÕm going to miss you, then I do.Ó She pulled him down to her and kissed
him. ÒI wish...Ó She laughed softly. ÒWell, it doesnÕt matter what I wish,
does it?Ó
ÒIÕm
sorry.Ó
ÒDonÕt
be. I got to have this. It was fun. And IÕm closer to you and Spock than I
ever thought I would be—I mean aside from the sex. I love you both.Ó She sighed. She did love them both, but she was only
in love with one of them.
He
pulled her on top of him. ÒI love
you.Ó
She
tried to memorize the feeling of being with him. Once it was over, she lay collapsed on
top of him, wishing she could slow time and never leave him.
And
that was why she was leaving him.
This would never be enough. Not
when she knew that Spock would always take up the majority of real estate in
JimÕs heart.
She
slid off him and said, ÒSo you havenÕt said much about my new boss. What do you think of Kelting?Ó
ÒWell, heÕs no Jim Kirk.Ó He gave
her a silly grin.
ÒProbably
a good thing. Since I seem to have
a weakness for Jim Kirk.Ó
ÒYou
do, donÕt you?Ó
She
nodded. ÒSeriously, what arenÕt you
saying?Ó
ÒHeÕs
fine. HeÕs just...very by the book. And IÕm not sure heÕs terribly receptive
to feedback.Ó
ÒNeither
was Roger. I had to find ways to
make him think things I came up with were his idea.Ó
He
smiled. ÒI forget powerful men are
your forte.Ó
ÒI
guess they are.Ó She snuggled
against him.
ÒYou
going to try to snag him? HeÕs sort
of old.Ó
She
laughed. ÒNo. IÕve had you, what other man will do?Ó
He
grinned and kissed her. ÒAnd youÕve
had Spock. Do you love him?Ó
She
met his eyes. ÒI do love him, but
the schoolgirl crush is over. IÕm
fond of him, donÕt get me wrong. I
like having sex with him. I enjoy
talking with him. IÕd want him at
my back in a crisis either physically or intellectually.Ó
ÒBut
youÕre not in love with him?Ó
She
shook her head. ÒThat honor belongs
to you.Ó She looked away. ÒOr maybe not an honor. Maybe itÕs a burden.Ó
ÒItÕs
not a burden, Chris. I love you so
much.Ó
Just
not enough to leave Spock. Never
enough for that. And part of her
didnÕt want him to—the part that was leaving the ship while her heart was
still capable of functioning. ÒIÕll
always remember this. YouÕll be my
benchmark.Ó
ÒNot
sure thatÕs a good idea. Something
you canÕt have can be artificially good.
If you had me all the time, you might get bored, or get sick of things I
do like squeeze the toothpaste the wrong way.Ó
She
smiled. SheÕd love a chance to get
bored or sick of things he did.
ÒMaybe so.Ó
ÒJust
be happy. ThatÕs what I want for
you. And to be CMO like you were
supposed to be.Ó
ÒWas
I, though? Destiny would say no
because you showed up, then Len, then Spock.Ó
ÒWe
can write our own destiny. I know
you will. I know youÕll shine on KeltingÕs ship.Ó
ÒThank
you, Captain.Ó She touched his
cheek; he always knew just what to say.
ÒYouÕre
welcome, Doctor.Ó
##
She
rang the chime for SpockÕs quarters and walked in to the smell of incense. She breathed deeply: she would miss
this.
He
was sitting at his desk. ÒYou enjoyed
your evening with Jim?Ó
ÒI
did. Thank you for that. I know the experiment was just an excuse
to give us time alone.Ó
ÒI
realize you love him more than you do me, Christine, and that he is the reason
you are in this relationship. I
wanted to give you space to say goodbye.Ó
ÒYou
knew IÕd leave, didnÕt you? ThatÕs
why you suggested this arrangement with Jim and me?Ó
ÒI
thought it would prove untenable for you, yes.Ó
ÒBut
you needed me. At first, you needed
me.Ó
He
nodded. ÒYou would have been forever
between us. I did the only logical
thing by bringing you into our lives, into our bed. But do not think I donÕt care for
you. Perhaps far more than you care
for me, Christine. I donÕt want you
to leave, but it is not a surprise that you are doing so.Ó
She
walked to the viewscreen. Soon sheÕd be seeing the star stream
from a different ship, a ship without Spock and Jim on it. Shiny and new, the way this ship was
supposed to have felt. ÒYouÕll take
care of him?Ó
ÒI
will. You know that.Ó
She
turned. ÒI donÕt, actually. YouÕve proven you can put your own
interests ahead of others. I have
the memory to prove it.Ó
He
looked down. ÒI will not do that
again.Ó
ÒGood. He deserves better than that. And he loves you—more than heÕll
ever love me.Ó
He
rose from his chair. ÒMore is
relative, Christine. Is the gap
between his love for me and for you a chasm or only a millimeter?Ó
She
smiled. ÒHe wonÕt say, will
he? But you can tell when you meld
with him.Ó
ÒI
can. It is nowhere near a chasm.Ó
ÒThank
you.Ó She walked over to him,
touched his cheek. ÒI once thought
IÕd give anything for you to love me.Ó
ÒYou
are no longer that woman.Ó He
pulled her into his arms, kissed her gently. ÒIf you ever have need of me, I will
come. We both will.Ó
ÒItÕs
a good thing I wonÕt be on Earth—IÕd have a hard time saying no to one or
both of you if you turned up at my door during a visit home.Ó
ÒI
think we would count on that.Ó
ÒNothing
like a little variety to add spice.Ó
ÒYou
could have been a staple, Christine.
Not just the spice.Ó
She
made a face before she could stop herself. ÒI simply donÕt want to share.Ó
He
nodded slowly, as if heÕd always known that.
ÒSo
I have to ask. When you were being
so possessive, was that just an act?
To get me hooked more than I already was?Ó
ÒNo. I was uncertain of you, and I
believe Jim was right that something did carry over from the Pon Farr. But
once you are off the ship, it should abate somewhat.Ó
ÒBut
some part of you will always think of me as yours?Ó
ÒI
believe so. I am sorry if that is
an unpleasant idea.Ó
ÒIÕll
just be sure to stay very far away if you start throwing soup.Ó She winked at him and his expression
lightened.
ÒI
will do this the proper way, Christine.
Live long and prosper on the Shalimar. They are fortunate to have you.Ó
ÒThank
you.Ó She made a sheepish
face. ÒI am definitely not sleeping
with the captain or the first officer.Ó
ÒYou
have no idea what the future holds.Ó
ÒWell,
how about this: I am definitely not
sleeping with both of them at the same time.Ó
ÒI
accept that.Ó His gaze was
extraordinarily fond. ÒI shall miss
you.Ó
ÒIÕll
miss you, too.Ó She kissed him with
the same tenderness heÕd given to her.
ÒI wish I could stay.Ó
ÒYou
would not be you if you could.Ó
##
She
was all packed, sheÕd said her goodbyes to her friends, to Jim and Spock. Only one thing needed to be done.
She
made her way down to sickbay, took a last look around. Len came out and stood against the wall,
arms crossed as he watched her.
She
walked over to him and hugged him hard.
ÒThis wasnÕt how my great adventure as CMO was supposed to end.Ó
He
laughed softly. ÒI know, darlinÕ. And
IÕm sorry for that. YouÕll knock Ôem dead on the Shalimar.Ó
ÒI
had a good teacher. How to be
CMO.Ó
ÒI
did my best. Not sure I did that
much.Ó He eased her into his office
and shut the door. ÒYou leaving
with a broken heart?Ó
ÒNo. Just bent a little.Ó She grinned, thought it was probably a
little like a Jim Kirk grin.
ÒCanÕt
fool me, honÕ.
But you keep telling yourself that: maybe youÕll get over them faster.Ó
ÒItÕs
not really them. Just him.Ó
He
looked surprised. ÒWhich one.Ó
She
shook her head and he smiled.
ÒOkay,
then.Ó
ÒOkay,
then.Ó She hugged him again,
suddenly wishing sheÕd listened to him when heÕd told her to be careful. ÒFor what itÕs worth, Len: you were
right.Ó
ÒWell,
IÕm sorry for that. IÕd rather you
were happy.Ó He put his hand on her
cheek. ÒNow get out of here and
make a life for yourself. Hell,
find a nice guy if you feel so inclined.Ó
ÒYes. Guy—singular.Ó She took a deep breath then turned and
opened his door. ÒIÕll see you
around the quadrant?Ó
ÒCount
on it. Or at the next medical
conference. When we skip the
sessions and hit the bar.Ó
ÒYouÕre
buying.Ó
ÒYou
wish, Christine.Ó
She
heard his gentle laughter as she walked out. She couldnÕt imagine a nicer
accompaniment to a new beginning.
FIN