DISCLAIMER: The Justice League of America
characters are the property of DC Comics. The story contents are the creation and
property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2005 by Djinn. This story is Rated
PG-13.
Critical Mass
by Djinn
"So
you're saying we're stuck here?"
"I'm afraid so, Lois. The
cave-in is quite extensive. Whoever lured us here knew what they were
doing."
"You can't punch your
way through the dirt and rock?"
"I can. If I took you
with me, you wouldn't survive the trip. And if I leave you, it will only close
back up and create a lot of dust."
"So
I'll die faster?"
"Yes."
"You don't mince words,
do you?"
"Is there a point in
doing that?"
"Probably not. And
strangely, I respect that. So, Wonder Woman, would you like it if I died
faster?"
"Under the
circumstances, you might as well call me Diana. And no, I wouldn't like
it."
"Not sure I believe you."
"I don't lie,
Lois."
"That'd be a lot more
convincing if you could look me in the eyes."
"I can. I just..."
"Forget I said anything.
Okay, so my options are: die alone, possibly rapidly, or die slowly with you? I'm
leaning toward door number one. Offense definitely intended."
"I won't leave you
here."
"You prefer to die with
me? Not the answer I expected. You've never shown that much regard for me
before."
"I probably won't die as
quickly as you do. I may even have the strength to blast myself free once you're
gone."
"Wow, that was snotty. Congratulations.
I didn't think you had it in you."
"Apparently, you were
wrong."
"I wasn't wrong about
everything. Ooh, suddenly have nothing to say, Wonder Woman?"
"Diana."
"Funny, I'm not
comfortable calling you that. Maybe it's because Clark is. And again, you seem
to have nothing to say."
"I'm considering our
options."
"Sure
you are, sweetie."
"Do you hate me,
Lois?"
"Pretty much."
"I'm sorry."
"I think you actually
are. You'd rather not be the bad guy here."
"Kal
will find us."
"Nice segue way out of
the minefield. And Clark will only find us if he figures out
we're missing. Did you have an appointment with him this morning you want to
tell me about?"
"You're right. It will
take Kal some time to realize we're both
missing."
"Sloppy on the dismount.
You're not very good at this, Diana."
"You called me
Diana."
"I'm delirious from lack
of air."
"You're bitchy from lack
of air. And we should conserve what air is left and stop talking."
"Stop? When I'm enjoying
this conversation so much? And I didn't think you used words like 'bitchy.' Butter
wouldn't melt in your mouth and all that."
"The world has made me
into a paragon, but I'm just a woman."
"The other woman, in
fact. My, that was a dramatic sigh. When are we going to talk about this? You're
supposed to be a superhero. Show some guts."
"I am not having an aff..."
"Wow. I guess you can't
lie."
"I think we shouldn't be
talking."
"I think we
should."
"Fine, you talk and I won't."
"I wish you'd done that
when I interviewed you. Instead of giving me that bald-faced lie."
"I didn't lie. Kal and I were not..."
"So
it started later. When?"
"I didn't say it started
at all."
"When?"
"Lois, don't get angry. You'll
only use up our air."
"Our air. Our
man. I'm sick to death of sharing things that matter with you."
"I too am unhappy with
the arrangement."
"Ouch. The truth stings."
"Perhaps I meant it to. And
I was referring to the oxygen in here, not to Kal. Why
are you goading me?"
"Because you
exist."
"You hate me that
much?"
"I hate the hypocrisy of
you. The Amazon who can't lie. Who comes here to teach us mere mortals how to live. And how does she live?"
"That's an unattractive
smile."
"I don't have an
attractive one. Not for you."
"I'll survive
anyway."
"And again
with a direct hit. Hanging around Bruce is helping you with the snappy
repartee."
"I do not hang around
Bruce."
"No, that's right. You're
too busy hanging all over my husband. Bruce is quite attractive, don't you
think?"
"If you like that
type."
"I used to. Before I
fell in love with the boy scout from hell. I slept with Bruce. Did you know
that?"
"Does Kal know that?"
"Nope. And if he finds
out, I'll know who told him. No one else knows."
"Bruce knows."
"And God himself
couldn't pry it out of Bruce if he didn't want to tell. Bruce has honor."
"Bruce is
obsessive."
"You seem a bit peeved
with him. I doubt you're jealous that I shared his bed—more than once too. He's
quite good."
"I'm not jealous of you
and Bruce."
"Don't tell me you blame
him for what's happened between you and Clark? 'The devil made me do it' is a
tired defense."
"I haven't said that I'm
doing anything with Kal."
"You also haven't said
you aren't. The distinction is not lost on me."
"I wish you'd stop
talking."
"Now that, I believe. It's
getting warmer in here."
"Yes, because you're
using up all our air."
"Bully for me. Clark's
great in bed, isn't he? Once you've had that, you don't want to go back."
"I'm not going to
discuss this."
"He can cut loose with
you, can't he? He can let go and give you his full strength. Does he do that? Pound
against you as you murmur, 'Oh, Kal, you're the
best.'?"
"I'm not going to go
down this road."
"What are you
doing?"
"I am trying to move
these rocks."
"Move them where? And
you'll use up all my air. I take issue with that. Sit still."
"I don't wish to sit this
close to you."
"Well, I'd move over but
there's nowhere to go. Isn't that the problem, Diana? I just won't get out of
your way? What was that? I don't speak mumble."
"I said, I will outlive
you."
"Not if we keep bumping
our gums, you won't."
"In a normal context,
both Kal and I will outlive you."
"That would be harsh if
your face weren't turning so red. You really hate being the villain, don't
you?"
"I'm not...it's
just..."
"Remind me not to
describe you as articulate in my next article."
"Will it be a hatchet
job?"
"A truth epic. The
untold Princess. Was he your first?"
"What?"
"You heard me. And I'll
make it easy for you. Just nod if he was. Jeez, you're stubborn."
"It's none of your
business."
"If you're boffing Clark, it's very much my business."
"Kal
is my friend."
"Do all Amazons define
friendship that way?"
"Damn you."
"Temper, temper. So he was your first?"
"I didn't say—"
"Stop saying that. I'm
very aware of all the things you didn't say. This cave is full of things you
didn't say."
"What about you? You
stay with him even though you think he's with me."
"Screw you."
"Now it's you who's
anything but articulate."
"Diana, go to
hell."
"I live there, Lois. I
live there and..."
"And what?"
"Nothing."
"And what? Tell me,
goddamn it."
"And it's by my own
choice. I hate myself for that, all right? Does that make you happy to hear? I
despise myself."
"Hmmm. Wish I could say
I was sorry but..."
"I did not expect
sympathy from you."
"And I did not expect it
to take this long for you to speak truth. Weren't you the goddess of
truth?"
"I was."
"Guess there's no
question why you still aren't."
"Miaow."
"Yeah, that was a good
one, wasn't it?"
"You use words like
Bruce does. To hurt."
"You're Wonder Woman. How
else am I going to fight you?"
"We don't have to
fight."
"You realize that's the
stupidest thing you've probably ever said? You're my husband's mistress. What
else are we going to do? Kiss and make up? What was that?"
"What?"
"You
looked...interested."
"That wasn't
interest."
"It was too. I know
interest when I see it."
"I'm not interested in
you."
"Only in my
husband."
"Yes."
"Aha."
"I didn't mean that the
way it came out, Lois."
"The hell you didn't. So...you swing both ways?"
"Swing?"
"Are. You. Bisexual? Clear
enough for you?"
"Yes."
"Yes, it's clear enough
for you? Or, yes, you swing both ways?"
"Yes."
"Bitch."
"You're probably
right."
"Whoa, check out the
long face. Why all morose, Diana? You're going to outlive me, remember? You're
going to survive this when I don't, and then Clark will be all yours."
"Shut up, Lois."
"Do you think I'm
pretty?"
"What difference—"
"Answer the
question."
"Yes."
"Hmmm."
"Lois, I can say a
sunset is pretty. It doesn't mean I want to seduce it."
"Did I mention
seduction? Why are you talking about it?"
"I thought that was why
you were asking."
"No. It was just a
question. But obviously seducing me is on your mind."
"No, it's not."
"So
you don't want to seduce me?"
"I don't want to seduce
anyone, Lois."
"Except Clark?"
"I am not falling for
that one twice."
"She learns. No further
questions, your honor."
"I can see why Bruce
likes you."
"Yes, but can you see
why Clark does?"
"He's a masochist?"
"Wow. That was a really
good one. We'll make a harpy out of you yet."
"I've seen a harpy. They
are not attractive."
"Well, at least they
advertise what they're like on the inside. Unlike some people. And again with the big sigh. Have I hurt your widdle feelings, Diana?"
"No."
"I think I have. First I have the gall not to like you. And now, I won't let
you seduce me."
"I never said I wanted
to."
"But you do like women? You
grew up on an island with only women. I mean, I've been there. I've seen how
they pair up. You had women as lovers, didn't you?"
"Yes."
"Are you quite skilled? Can
you send your partner to heaven?"
"I'm a wonder."
"Ooh, loaded sarcasm in
that one. I like it."
"You want me to be like
you? Witty and caustic?"
"Is that how you think I
am?"
"Yes. Hard. Cold. Tough."
"What? And you're soft,
warm, and weak? Hardly. In case it's slipped your notice, Clark likes his women
ballsy. He always has."
"His women?"
"Piqued the old
curiosity on that one, didn't I?"
"I just wondered. I know
about Lana, of course."
"And Lori."
"The mermaid?"
"Yep. That would be the
one. LL, LL, LL, WW. What's next? Is there anyone else with double letter
initials I should worry about?"
"I have no idea."
"Oh, but you're trying
to figure it out, aren't you? You're going through the list of heroes and
villains right now."
"I am not."
"Liar. Are there
any?"
"I'm not worrying about
that."
"So, do you prefer men
or women, Diana?"
"You turn on a dime,
Lois. I'm not as clever as you. I can't keep up."
"Bullshit. Clark also
likes his women quick."
"I'm happy you've given
this so much thought."
"So? Women or men?"
"Both have their good points."
"I want specifics."
"You've never been with
a woman, Lois?"
"I never have."
"Then I suggest you rent
some lesbian porn. There's no doubt something out there that might excite
you."
"Very snarky return of
serve, Diana. I'm almost impressed. Tell me, what do you know of porn?"
"Nothing. But I'm sure
you're well acquainted with it."
"Why do you say
that?"
"Lois, the air is
getting dangerously thin."
"Yes, it is. But I don't
notice you having any trouble with it."
"While you, on the other
hand, are starting to. If you would just shut up..."
"Why? Because I've got
the upper hand in the conversat—."
"Lois, I'm serious. Listen
to you. You're starting to wheeze."
"Oh."
"Yes. Just be still. Please?"
"Promise me
something?"
"Perhaps."
"Smart woman."
"What's the promise,
Lois?"
"When I'm dead. Don't
leave me here. Take my body with you when you make your big dash for
freedom?"
"You're not going to die."
"Promise me, Diana. I
can't stand the thought of being trapped in here forever."
"I promise."
"Did you just move
closer?"
"You appeared to be
panicking. I thought by moving closer..."
"Nice of you. Always
thinking of the other guy. No wonder Clark loves you."
"He doesn't—"
"Stop lying."
"I'm not lying."
"Stop it! We're almost
out of air and you're using it up with lies! Admit it. Admit you love him and
you're screwing his brains out when I'm not around. Admit you're having an
affair with my husband. I'm dying, Diana. You may be too. So just admit that
you're the bad guy here. Just admit that you're not such a Wond—"
"..."
"Why did you do
that?"
"You were using our air
up, Lois."
"And kissing me seemed
like the way to stop that?"
"You were crying...I'd
made you cry. And I'm sorry."
"Don't. I can wipe them
off myself."
"I am sorry, Lois."
"You know, I knew he
loved you when I married him. I just thought that he loved me more."
"I think he does."
"And I think with that
and thirty-five cents, I could make a phone call."
"I'm sorry. I wish I
could offer you words that were worth something."
"Maybe you can. Tell me
how you could do it to me? After you told me outright that nothing was going
on."
"I don't know. I
just...did. I've watched you with him lately. I know you're a good person,
Lois. But I'm starting to hate you."
"It's called cognitive
dissonance."
"I know what it is. But
I'm supposed to represent truth."
"You do. The truth is you
lie. And you steal. And I wish we weren't trapped here because I could hate you
a lot easier before."
"Before?"
"Before you kissed
me."
"It was a nice kiss. Women
are...softer."
"I noticed."
"I wish I could tell you
that I'll walk away from Kal."
"But you won't?"
"I won't. It would be an
empty promise, Lois. I've tried already. It doesn't work."
"Try harder."
"Maybe I will."
"Liar."
"You must be getting
tired. That lacked your normal spite."
"I'm not feeling very
spiteful anymore, Diana. I hate you. I wish you didn't exist. But..."
"But?"
"But I'm glad I'm not
dying alone in here."
"Lois. You're not dying.
Kal will—"
"Clark won't find us. No
one will find us."
"Don't give up
hope."
"Hope? I lost hope a
long time ago. Hope is a bitch who promises everything and gives nothing. Hope
can go to—"
"..."
"You need to stop doing
that, Diana."
"Why?"
"Because I like
it."
"Is that a bad
thing?"
"Yes."
"Oh."
"Your hair is
soft."
"So is yours. You have
beautiful eyes, Lois."
"Everyone
says so. They won't be very beautiful when they're filled with dust."
"Shhh."
"Will you do it again? Only
pretend I'm Clark this time. Kiss me like you'd kiss Clark."
"Lois, I don't think
this is a good idea."
"Well, I do. And I'm the
one dying."
"..."
"Holy crap. No wonder he
wants you. Now I'm really depressed."
"Did you hear
that?"
"Hear what?"
"Someone's coming. Someone
is..."
"Oh, too bright. Diana,
make them turn off the lights."
"Are you two all
right?"
"We're fine, Kal."
"Took you long enough,
Smallville."
"Nice to see you too,
Lois. Come on, up we go."
"Put me down; I can
walk. Diana?"
"Yes?"
"We're not finished with
this discussion."
"Lois, I think we
are."
"No. We're not. Clark,
Diana is coming back with us. The three of us need to talk."
"The three of us?"
"Three."
"Three's an interesting
number, Lois. And usually a crowd."
"Bruce? What are you
doing here?"
"Just helping out."
"Nice of you."
"No, Diana, it wasn't. Why
don't you help Lois outside? I need to talk with Clark."
"Yes, Diana, help me
outside. I'm just a feeble human who needs your wonderful touch."
"Nice to know you're
feeling back to normal."
"I didn't say
that."
"You didn't have to say
it. I can hear it in your tone. Come on. Let's leave the boys alone."
"Well, Bruce?"
"Well, Clark?"
"Just make the check out to the Metropolis Children's House."
"I don't know. A
cave-in, Clark? That's so tired."
"You didn't say how to
do it, you just bet me that I couldn't get them talking."
"I think they might have
been doing more than talking, Clark."
"Yeah. I know."
"Get that look off your
face."
"Hey. A man can
dream."
"Those two women, my
friend? That could well turn out to be a nightmare."
"And talking about
things won't be?"
"You took the bet."
"Yeah, well, I'm not the
sharpest knife in the drawer sometimes, now am
I?"
"Nope. And you never
could resist a challenge."
"Oh, shut up."
"Where are you
going?"
"I've got to get my
ladies home."
"Wipe that stupid look
off your face."
"Better?"
"No. You're
drooling."
"You want to come with? We
could always use a fourth for bridge...or whatever."
"Clark, you're a sick
individual."
"So do you want to
come?"
"Wouldn't miss it for
the world. But I'm not flying with you."
"Not my fault it makes
you all hot to have me hold you."
"It does not make me
hot, Clark."
"Does too."
"I will not say
it."
"Fine. So, you want to
go double or nothing on this one?"
"Specify terms."
"Fly with me and I'll
spell them out."
"Pervert."
"And you love it. Ah,
here they are. And ready to go, I hope?"
"Bruce, is everything
all right? You look annoyed."
"He's coming home with
us too, Lois."
"Kal,
I don't think—"
"No one asked what you
think, Diana. Clark invited me."
"Could you just take
Lois to the apartment, Diana?"
"You want me to take
her, Kal?"
"Bruce and I have some
business to discuss."
"You do?"
"Run along, girls."
"Girls?"
"They sound nice
together, don't they, Bruce? They look good together too. You don't mind if we
watch them till they're out of sight?"
"Fine."
"You don't have to
come."
"I'll come."
"Well, in the meantime,
you can start making out that check."
"I've created a
monster."
"Not yet. But the night
is young, Bruce. The night is young."
FIN