DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters
are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are
the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2007 by Djinn. This
story is Rated PG-13.
Button, Button
by Djinn
"Here, take a sip."
Chapel recognized the voice,
the gentle timbre of command. She took a
sip, only realized once the glass was at her mouth that it was some kind of
juice, not water. Opening her eyes, she saw Kirk staring down at her. "Sir?"
Did she faint? Why was she on the ground?
"Stay down." His tone brooked no argument, so she didn't
try to get up.
From where she was lying, she
could see they were alone in the...cave?
Why were they in a cave?
Why couldn't she remember anything?
Kirk paced back to her. "What were they after, Chris?"
Chris. He was the only one on the ship who called
her that.
But...she wasn't on the ship anymore.
Was she?
"Nurse Chapel, what were
they after?" He knelt down next to
her. "Chris, come on. Tell me why we're here."
She bristled, unsure exactly
what he'd said to make her--
Nurse? She was a doctor.
No, she was a commander. Wasn't she?
"Who are you?" She tried to get away, scuttling backwards,
as he stared down at her. "Who the
hell are you?"
He vanished. Not like a transporter, more like a vid image
that is suddenly turned off. A
hologram? She'd heard of rooms where you
could interact with them. Was this one
of them?
The cave was empty. Empty and cold as she called out, "Who's
there?"
Nobody answered.
----------------------
She woke to a gentle touch,
didn't open her eyes. It was Spock this
time. She could tell from the heat of
his skin.
"Christine," he
said, far too much warmth in his voice.
"Nice goddamn try."
The touch vanished; she knew
the fake Spock was gone.
She sat up, finally opening
her eyes. "Where are you? Show yourself."
Nothing.
Her back ached from lying on
the hard, cold ground. Her stomach
growled, and she wished for the glass of juice the fake Kirk had let her taste. "Where the hell are you?"
"They don't want to hurt
you."
She whirled, saw someone she
didn't expect. Someone she only
recognized because of all the research she'd done on Spock when she'd been so
infatuated with him. "Captain
Pike?"
"Call me
Chris." He grinned, as if he knew
that was her name, too.
But of course he knew. He wasn't real.
"What do they want if
they don't want to hurt me?"
"They just want to know
what you want."
"Well, being stuck in a
cave isn't it." There was no way
she was on Talos IV--was there?
"They know that."
"Show me your real
self."
"This is my real
self. That helpless lump is an
illusion." He walked around her,
and superimposed on his image was a man sitting motionless in a chair. "It's uncanny, you know. You could be her, only older. She never had a chance to get older. She died in the explosion that did this to
me."
"Who?"
"Your double. Your clone.
Or rather, your twin. You're both
clones."
Suddenly a woman appeared,
like her if she'd had silky black hair and been twenty-five years younger. "Who...?"
"I called her Number
One. She had a name though. You know it.
Reach into your memory."
"I don't know what
you're talking about." She felt her
heart racing, remembered the copy of Kirk that Roger had made. These caves...they looked like.
"I'm not on Exo
III."
"No. You're not." Pike sat down cross legged, as if he was
settling in for a while.
"Interesting mission, that."
"What is it you
want?"
"Just to
talk." He smiled, an easy smile
that the photos of him never conveyed.
He'd always looked so serious.
"You're not real."
"Neither are you. Yet we're still talking."
She debated launching herself
at him just to see if he was an illusion.
But the holograms she'd heard about had weight and form. They weren't just images, just energy. They could...interact.
Who had those kind of holograms other than Starfleet? She'd heard the Romulans did. Maybe the Cardassians--they knew so little
about them still.
"You're not paying any
attention to me. I'm
offended." He pushed himself to his
feet and walked off.
"You're not going to
just wink out?"
He looked back at her. "Why should I? There's an entrance here if you'd bother to
explore."
He disappeared around a
corner and she followed him, was startled to see there was an entrance. The light was bright. The breeze warm and gentle.
"Beautiful, isn't
it?" He held two horses. "Care for a ride?"
"Bring back Spock,"
she said softly.
"A very loyal
fellow. He risked everything for
me."
She remembered that time, had
been on the ship when it had happened. "How
do you know that?" She wasn't
really asking him. She was asking the
sky, the earth, the breeze--all the things that she suspected were fabricated.
"I know it, Christine."
His voice was gentle. "I
lived it."
"Those records are
sealed." Which meant that whoever
had taken her had broken into secured Starfleet databases.
Or had broken a Starfleet
officer before her.
"I don't like to
ride," she said, backing into the cave.
"Bring back Kirk."
"If you want him back,
just wish it." He winked at her
again. "I was trying to make it
easier for you. Getting acclimated here,
well...it's hard. But you're resisting
and I understand. You don't realize..."
He shook his head. "I'll
leave you alone."
He mounted and rode off,
leading the other horse. Dust trailed
behind him, dust that blew back at her and made her cough.
She walked back into the
cave, sat down, and refused to think about anything.
It didn't work.
----------------------
"You're resisting. That's good." It was Kirk's voice. Kirk's hand on her shoulder, the little
squeeze he used to give her when she was a doctor on his ship.
"You're not here."
"I'm here because you
want me to be here. Why is that,
Chris?"
"They think I want you
here."
"If I help you resist,
why quibble?" He sat down behind
her, his back pressed to hers.
"Let's play a game."
"Let's not."
"Come on. Most exciting mission ever."
"Getting the hell off
this rock." Or whatever it was.
"Oh come on. I know you've been on dicier missions than
this. I think mine was..." He
seemed to be waiting.
"What?" she asked.
"Khan. V'ger.
The whales."
"Losing Danny to the
Klingons."
"David. Nice try."
"It's all in the public
record."
"Not all. What about Calavis V?"
She felt him press harder
against her.
"Did you tell
anyone?" he asked.
"Yes." But that was a lie. She'd told no one what had happened while
they'd waited for an ion storm to pass, while they'd sheltered in one of the
leftover pods, right before she was due to transfer off the ship and go to
Emergency Ops.
There was a damn good reason
she was conjuring Kirk. He'd always
meant safety. And that afternoon, he'd
meant more.
"Who did you tell?"
"None of your damn
business." She pulled away from
him. Kirk must have told. That must be how they were getting it. Maybe he'd put it in his personal logs. Not the gory details but enough for someone
to piece it all together.
"I'm going to go
now. They won't let me stay long if you
don't cooperate."
She turned before he could
wink out. "You mean they need to
regroup. Find something else to see if
they can throw me enough to get me talking."
He smiled in a way she
couldn't read. "Is that what I meant? Really?"
Then he was gone, and the
cave seemed emptier than before.
----------------------
"You are being
remarkably stubborn. Even for a
human." Spock sounded as if there
was nothing unusual in them talking this way.
It had been years since they'd bothered to even try to have a
conversation.
"Why they keep trying
with you is beyond me."
"Perhaps it is not they
who are trying it. Perhaps you are
reaching out any way you can."
"Perhaps you are full of
shit."
He did not answer. "You are in no mood for talk. I will leave you alone."
"Spock?"
He turned.
"Do you remember that
time we made love?"
"We never made love,
Christine."
Damn. She'd thought maybe they'd fall
for that. "Yes, we did. This just proves you aren't real. Because you don't remember."
"I would remember if we
had. We have not."
"I'm offended."
"No, Christine. You are lying." He moved closer. "I was surprised to
hear what Jim was saying to you. I take
it the two of you did make love?"
"You were
there." She started to laugh. "You and Len. Don't you remember? We had a great big orgy."
He turned and left her.
"Well, at least
exaggeration gives me some peace."
But no one came to answer her.
The cave was getting colder,
and she thought they were doing that to make her go outside. It'd be harder to remember this was all fake when
it was so beautiful and comfortable.
"You could come out, you
know." The woman Pike spoke
of--Chapel's double--stood at the mouth of the cave.
"What's your name?"
"I don't have one."
"You mean they don't
know it."
"No, I mean I don't have
one. I'm...lost." She smiled sadly. "Chris knew my name. When I had one. But I don't now. I'm nothing.
No one."
"Is this supposed to get
me to spill? Because all you're doing is
irritating me."
"We're really not much
alike, are we?" There was suddenly
a phaser--an old fashioned one--in the woman's hands. "I did this when I was captured. I'd never just sit in a cave and wait for
what would come."
The sound of an overloading
phaser filled the cave.
"I'm not leaving this
place. You all want me to, and that's
reason enough to stay."
"You'll be buried in it
when this goes off."
Chapel felt a flood of fear
rush over her, could tell her heart was racing, felt a trickle of sweat down
her forehead. But she sat. She stayed.
The phaser became more and
more shrill.
Then...nothing.
The woman was gone. The overloading phaser was gone.
But somewhere, Chapel could
hear a faint rhythm, like the sound of a biobed.
Then a whisper. Len's voice.
"Christine. Can you hear
me?"
"Nice try." She laughed.
"Make me think I'm sick or dying?
Not going to work."
Len's voice became fainter,
then disappeared altogether.
She thought she heard a horse
whinny from outside the cave. The sound
of a dog barking.
She ignored them and stayed
where she was.
----------------------
"Why do you suppose I'm
here?" Pike asked, striding into the cave.
"Because they know I
don't know much about you. They aren't
as likely to make a mistake with you. Not
compared to Jim or Spock."
Jim. How long had it been since
she'd called him that?
"Maybe. Or maybe it's because we're really here. On this planet. For a reason.
And you have to remember what you are."
"Okay, I'll bite. What am I?"
"I told you. A clone.
Made for something."
"Made for what?"
"To collect
information. Haven't you ever wondered
why you've held so many positions, can't seem to settle? You go where you're programmed to go."
"I'm a
machine?" If she slit her wrist,
would she die?
"No, I mean programmed
in the psychological way. You're only
sort of human."
"And you're that, too, I
suppose."
"I'm not. I'm human--if a damaged one." He shook his head as he stared down at
her. "Aren't you hungry?"
"I am."
"Then come out and get
some food. I've brought good things." He walked over, crouched down, and touched
her cheek. "You look so much like
her. I lost her, the real her. On that last mission. She knew so much and now it's gone."
"I'm not your
Kelly." She made up a name.
"That wasn't her
name."
"She didn’t know her
name. When she came here. She didn't know it, because you didn't tell
me."
"Her name is a matter of
record. It's Maura. Maura Callahan."
"Why didn't she know
it?"
"She's not real. She's just a revenant."
"And you're the epitome
of real?" She got up, walked
farther into the cave. It was starting
to feel positively icy as she moved away from the light.
"What do you think this
is, Chris?"
"I think we both know
what this is. And you're not going to
get anything out of me."
She heard Len's voice again. "Hold on, Christine. Hold on."
"That's an especially
good effect. If I were just a doctor, I
might believe that I was dying. That I
needed to walk out of this cave and go into the light. Or maybe fight my way back through the
darkness. But I'm not just a doctor and
I know too much to budge."
"You're extraordinarily
stubborn."
"I'm tenacious when I
have a cause. There's a
difference."
"Fine. I hope your cause keeps you warm and
fed."
----------------------
She was shivering. Shivering as she lay on the ground, her legs
drawn up, trying to ignore the hunger pangs that were making her feel almost
nauseated.
"Here." Jim's voice, warm like the blanket he
suddenly put over her.
"No," she
struggled, felt the blanket being tucked around her, the cave dissolving into a
black and green grid on a small room.
"Where?"
She heard Len saying,
"Hang on a minute." Then the
sound of a hypospray, and her head was reeling.
She thought she might throw up, and felt someone lifting her as she did.
"Small sips," Jim
said, holding water up to her lips.
"This isn't real. This isn't--" But it was.
Reality came rushing in, riding the hypospray as it unlocked the
memories she'd had to barricade away to test the room.
"Why you had to do this
yourself..." Jim was rearranging
the blanket over her shoulders, and she realized she was shivering
violently. "And for the record, you
are the most stubborn woman--"
"Pike said that."
"Chris Pike?"
She nodded.
"He showed up in your simulation?"
"Yeah. Serves me right for stalking Spock. That damned woman who looked like me. She's haunted me since I saw her in the
records." She decided to stop
talking, focused on drinking. Then her
stomach rumbled.
"Let's get you to the
med ward. See about taking some readings
and getting you fed." Len was
easing her up, and his strength surprised her like it always did. He looked so frail and was anything but.
"Well, it worked. Didn't
it?" Her little room that tested a
person's breaking point.
"It worked. A bit too well." Len shook his head. "You know I don't like this."
"For the record, neither
do I." Jim's voice was soft as he
took her shoulders and helped her out of the room and down the hall to the
ward.
"Why are you here?"
"I was in the
neighborhood."
"That's a
lie." She glanced at him, saw his
lips quirk.
"It's not. I was.
But Len was having some trouble getting you back, and he thought maybe I
could..."
Len had moved on ahead, and
she knew it was to get things ready for her in the ward.
"Why would he think
that?"
"I may have told him
something about our goodbye. When I was
very morose and very drunk. Probably on
a birthday." He smiled, a sad
smile. "I never forgot it."
"You think I did?"
"You never mentioned it."
"I didn't think you
wanted me to." She leaned into
him. "Are you sure we're not still
in the room?"
"We're not. I'd be much smoother in there, I'm
sure." He grinned at her. "So I did put in an appearance?"
"Yes."
"And did Spock?"
"Jealous?"
"Only if he got more
lines than I did."
"You're safe." Not that she could remember it all that
well. "My head is killing
me." She knew it wasn't just
hunger. Her system was designed to pull
things out of the subject's own memories.
She'd always thought that the most efficient interrogator would be one
of a person's own making. She wasn't
sure she'd been right. She hadn't
broken.
Despite it all, she hadn't
broken.
"This is a nasty thing
you're working on."
"It's not for
everyone. It's not like the Kobayashi
Maru."
"You mean I can't cheat
at this?" He looked at her. "I'll have to take it, won't I?"
"Probably. After we perfect it."
"Just don't rig it so
you star in my hallucinations."
"You'd object to my
presence?" She'd thought he meant
that--
"Yes. There.
If you'd like to talk about making an occasional appearance in real
life, I'm all ears."
She laughed. "I could be convinced."
"After you get
debriefed?" He led her to the bed,
watched as Len started to take readings.
"What was it you were trying so hard to keep from them? You've been working on this right? Nothing else?"
His look was all
innocence. His eyes warm and full of
something she wanted to believe was interest.
Desire.
Love.
"Damn you," she
said, sitting up, knocking Len away.
"Chris?"
"More games and I'm
not--" The med ward disappeared. The cold came back.
Her doppelganger set the
phaser to overload.
Chapel didn't even bother to
cover her ears.
----------------------
"Chris?" A gentle voice. Warm hands.
A blanket.
"No," she thrashed.
"It's okay. You're safe.
It's okay."
She opened her eyes. The cave was gone. Her head was on fire. Her arms wouldn't move and she turned her
head slowly, saw that she was in restraints, realized her legs were, too. "I won't tell you anything."
Her voice was harsh. As if she hadn't spoken. Or as if she'd been screaming.
"It's okay. You're all right."
"I don't believe in
this. I don't believe in you."
His hand settled on top of
hers, but he didn't let loose the restraints.
"What can I do to convince you we're real? That you're safe?"
"You were there. In my
head. Saying these things."
"It wasn't me. No matter how real it was, did it seem like
me?"
"You didn't know much
about that time we had. Details. You didn't have them."
"Details?" He began to smile,
the expression a little jarring on a face so filled with worry. "From Calavis V?"
She nodded.
He leaned in. "There was a red glow from the ion
storm. It lit your hair up. I told you it looked like wine." His mouth was on her ear, he was talking so
low only she could hear. "You told
me that making love with me felt like coming home."
"Jim?"
"It's me,
Chris." He kissed her cheek, just
below her ear, then pulled away.
"They took you. They took you
and we were sent to find you."
"They had a room. They told me I'd designed it." She started to cry, wished she could wipe her
eyes. "I wouldn't. I wouldn't do that." She met his eyes. "I knew what it was. I wouldn't tell them. They sent me people to make me break
but--"
"No, Chris. They didn't." He swallowed hard. "They tortured you. They didn't have a room. They had a chair. A chair from hell."
She suddenly imagined him
destroying that chair in a fatal blast from his phaser. "But the room..."
"Spock tried to reach
you. He said you were trapped. That you'd have to come out on your
own."
She saw what he wasn't
saying. "Or not. He didn't think I'd come out, did he?"
"No. He didn't." He smiled.
"I knew you would."
But it was a lie. He'd hoped she
would. And maybe, for him, that was the
same thing.
"Why don't I hurt more if
I've been tortured?"
But she could feel the
floating numbness, now that she was aware it should be there. Heavy duty painkillers keeping her from
knowing just how broken her body really was. She started to panic, thought
maybe that's why the restraints were on, as she felt a pull in muscles
obviously well used. Muscles in her
arms, in her legs, muscles used to kick and hit and try to get the hell away.
"You're going to be
okay." He smoothed back her hair.
"Let me out of these
restraints."
He took a deep breath. "Len says not yet." He leaned down. "Just keep talking to me. Forget the restraints. Just talk to me, connect with me." With life, he meant. With herself.
"You almost lost
me."
"Yes, we almost lost
you." His fingers twined with hers,
a soothing feeling.
"You were there,
Jim. In my head. You were there."
"Tell me about
it." He leaned down, kissed her
cheek again, the feeling of his lips lingering on her skin.
She told him about it,
praying that this time it wasn't another trick, because she had no more
strength to fight.
----------------------
She woke. In sickbay, thank God.
Len was hovering. "Thought you might like to know the
restraints are off."
She realized she could move
her arms and legs. Smiled. "Am I really here?"
"In the much abused
flesh, darlin'." He sat down on a
stool next to the bed. "You had me
worried sick."
"I know."
"You had Jim worried
even sicker." He sighed. "Something you forgot to tell me about
your relationship with him?"
"Maybe." Giving him a sheepish smile, she tried to
move a little, get comfortable. Her body
screamed at the effort. "Ohhhhh."
"It's gonna hurt for a
while. I can't keep you doped up
forever. Just tell me when it gets too
bad and I'll..."
"I know." She took a deep breath and tried to move
again. It hurt a little less this
time. Or else she was getting used to
mind-numbing pain.
At least she felt connected
to reality. An excruciating reality, but
a better one than her pretend world.
"It's nice to be
back." She smiled at him. "The hum of this ship." Only she'd never been on this ship. But any ship, any starship. They had a special feel.
"I think Jim's going to
ask you to come back. We have an opening
in medical. In life sciences, too."
She imagined for a moment
what that would be like. "I'd just
be running away."
"Maybe it's time to walk
away?"
"Len, I can't."
"Maybe it's time to
choose a quieter life. One where they
don't torture you for what you know."
"If that's what I
wanted, I'd retire to Risa."
"Not a bad
idea." He grinned, but she could
still see worry in his expression. Then
he looked up. "Well, look who's
here." He patted her on the shoulder
and left.
She expected to see Jim. It was Spock.
"You are
recovered?"
She nodded. For a moment, she was sure she was back in
the room. And she waited for Spock to
ask her what it was she'd been trying to keep from her captors.
"I won't tell you,"
she said, before she could stop herself.
"You will not tell me
what?"
She swallowed hard as he sat
down in the stool Len had vacated.
"I'm sorry. It was a trick
before. That I was safe. I keep thinking it's them. That'll it'll turn back into... That I'll break."
"You did break,
Christine." His look held no
judgment. "I doubt that any human
could have held out against the machine they were using."
"I broke?"
He nodded.
"But I had-- There was this room."
"Yes, I know. I believe you constructed it for a
purpose. To hide in. And..."
He seemed reluctant to continue.
But she could finish it. "To have a place where I didn't
break."
"Precisely."
"Oh, God." What had she said? What in God's name had she told them?
"It is important that we
ascertain the potential damage. We
apprehended some, but not all, of your inquisitors."
She stared up at him, tried
to move and felt pain scream along every nerve.
"You know what they took.
You melded with me."
"You were in shock. Your psyche was in tatters. I could not determine what information had
been lost."
"No! Not again!
I'm not going back!" She
began to thrash, ignoring the pain in her arms and legs, trying to hit
him. "No! No! No!" She was screaming and she felt Len's hands on
her, saw Spock holding her down.
Then there was the hiss of a
hypospray and everything faded to black.
----------------------
She woke to find Jim sitting
by her bed. "No!" She was back in the restraints, and the
numbness filled her again. Many drugs in
her, doing who knew what.
"Chris, it's okay."
"This is just another
game."
"No, that was Spock at
his most Vulcan. He didn't stop to think
what his words might do, just spoke the truth." Jim smiled in a way that showed a glint of
anger. "He knows he made a
mistake."
"Did you yell at
him?" Jim never yelled at Spock.
"I might have raised my
voice a little." He leaned in. "Command does want us to find out what
was taken. But Spock can do that through
a meld."
"I didn't break." They were words she was holding onto more
tightly than the restraints were holding onto her.
"No, sweetie. You did break. I'm sorry." His eyes held defeat. Her defeat.
But he wasn't ashamed of her. He
wasn't mad at her. He seemed to be
hurting for her.
"In my head, I didn't
break."
"I know." He stroked back her hair. "In your head, could Spock meld with
you?"
"No."
"Could the men who were
running the room meld with you?"
"No."
He sighed. "Then if Spock can meld with you, will
that convince you that you're safe?"
She nodded, but she knew her
eyes didn't hold any faith.
He laid his mouth on her ear,
whispered, "I lied for Roger. Do
you remember that?"
She nodded, felt his lips
moving over her ear.
"You were there when
Miramanee died. You made her comfortable. You helped her."
She knew that hadn't been in
the logs.
"You whispered that you
loved me when you hugged me goodbye the day after the ion storm. When you transferred off. I didn't say it back."
That had hurt. And she'd never told anyone.
"I couldn't say it. Not when you were leaving."
"Did you? Love me?"
He smiled. "Do you remember that shore leave on
Starbase Twenty-Seven? When we played
darts and tried to drink each other under the table?"
She laughed softly, nodded.
"I can't even remember
how that started. But I know how it
ended. I wanted you. We had such fun together." He sighed.
"It was the first of many memorable, if platonic, shore
leaves."
"I always thought I was
your safe woman. The one you never
wanted, that you just had a good time with." Until Calavis V, when he'd proven he'd more
than wanted her--and that there was more than one way to define a good
time.
"What was I going to say
to you, Chris? I didn't want to wreck
it. You'd told me you were leaving for
Command."
She nodded.
"Do you believe I'm real
now?" He kissed her, his lips soft
on hers.
"Yes."
"Spock'll be in
soon. You tell him if it's too
much. You--"
"Will you stay?"
"Yes." He nodded fiercely. "Yes, I'll stay." Then he met her eyes. "Will you stay? When this is all done? Stay with me on the ship?"
"I'll be running
away."
"Then run away. To me."
He got up slowly. "I'll be
back with Spock. Think about it."
She nodded.
----------------------
"You're sure about
this?" Jim was swallowing any
disappointment he felt, was supporting her, the way he had since she'd woken
from one nightmare into this new one where she wasn't strong and she did break.
"I'm sure." She walked slowly away from him, up the
transporter steps. It would take no time
to beam her to Command. Would take much
longer for her to travel the short distance from the transporter room to Ops.
She wanted to turn around, to
walk as quickly as her abused body could take her back to Jim. She didn't want to do this.
She had to do this.
"Energize," she
heard, and she met his eyes and saw him mouth something.
She knew it was "I love
you."
She expected to materialize
to an empty room. But Cartwright was
waiting for her. So was Janice. They hurried up, each took an arm.
Shaking them off, she said,
"I can walk."
"Sure, you can. But you don't have to do it alone." Cartwright looked angry and frightened and
happy all at once.
As soon as they'd cleared the
transporter pad and hit the corridor, she stopped, forcing them to stop. "I broke," she said between teeth
clenched to keep from crying.
"We know," Jan said
so softly Chapel could barely hear her.
"Let's get you back to work, okay?"
"But only for an
hour. Then you're going home." Cartwright looked like he'd sling her over
his shoulder if she argued.
"Understood?"
"Understood, sir."
She expected that her
colleagues wouldn't look at her. Or
would shoot her angry looks for being weak, for having given in. For breaking.
But they didn't. She was met with
neutral stares, small nods of support, gentle eyes.
"Any of us would have
broken, Commander," Cartwright said, loudly enough for the entire room to
hear.
She could feel herself turn
red.
But no one looked away, and
she felt a hand touching her as she walked by.
It wasn't a welcome, but it was close enough.
----------------------
Her apartment doorbell chimed
and she limped over, sure it would be Jan with some kind of dinner and more of
the support she'd given so freely all that first hour.
It wasn't Jan. It was Jim.
"Hi." He held up a bottle of wine. "The ship's in for some repairs while
we're here. So I'm on leave for the next
few days. I may have neglected to
mention that earlier."
"You did." Seeing him made her feel safe, safer than
she'd felt since leaving the Enterprise.
"Why?"
"You had to do that on
your own--return, face them. But you
don't have to do the rest of the day on your own." He stopped halfway in the door. "Unless...you want to."
"I don't want
to." She smiled at him, the first real
smile she'd given anyone all day.
"Come in." She hugged
him, whispered, "I'm sorry I couldn't stay. I wish I could have
stayed."
"It's probably better if
you're not working for me. You were the
one thinking clearly." He pulled
her close, walked with her to her kitchen.
"I'm saying that to make myself feel better, you realize?"
She laughed softly. "We could run into each other. I'm out and about a lot."
He nodded, his expression
tender. "Just don't get captured
again."
"I'll try." She shuddered, an involuntary reaction for
things she could barely remember, even after the meld. Spock had shielded her. He'd been gentle and kind, and she'd realized
that he did care for her, just not the way she'd ever wanted.
But that was all right. Because this man
was here now. This man with the wine and
the sweet smile and the concerned look.
This man she'd been in love with for years, since that shore leave he'd
found so memorable.
"We've missed a
lot," she whispered. "We
should have said something after darts that night."
"Should. A useless word." He set down the wine and pulled her
close. "Let's make up for lost
time."
She let a kiss be her
answer.
"Where's your
bedroom?" he asked. She led him
down to it, and he started to undress her.
"Nothing too strenuous. You're
still recuperating."
"I think this is
therapy," she whispered as she removed his uniform. "The best kind."
He eased her down to the bed,
kissed her and held her and then was saying, "It's okay. It's okay, sweetheart," and she realized
she was crying.
"They don't hate
me. Why don't they hate me?"
He held her as she wept,
murmuring things that might or might not be true, but that felt good.
"I broke."
"We all break,
Chris. We just do it in different
ways. That's why they don't hate
you." He smiled gently at her, and
she pulled him onto her, and let her pain and anger and fear be pushed away, or
at least aside for a while, by his lips and his hands and the way he was moving
over her and into her.
When they lay still, he said,
"Are you all right?"
"No," she
said. "But I think I will be."
With him in her life, it
might even be true.
FIN