DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the
property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are the
creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2013 by Djinn. This story
is Rated PG-13.
And Everything Collapses
by
Djinn
"It's so
curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of
grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one
notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or
a letter slips from a drawer...and everything collapses." ― Colette
She's
sitting at her new station—new: this late in life and she's finally trying
something other than communications—and she hears a voice that sounds so much
like Kirk's she turns and stares.
Not
him. Of course, not him.
She's
spent a lifetime on his bridge. Heard him in every conceivable mood. She should
know that this other man isn't him.
Especially
when Captain Kirk is dead.
Dead.
She can't understand it. The finality of it for a man whose energy seemed
infinite.
Scotty
told her what happened. They've stayed friends even if their affair died away
quickly. He held her when he got back from the Enterprise-B launch. Held her and kept saying, "There was no
body. No body at all."
That's
the hardest thing. And the best.
Because
somewhere—in the part of her that still on occasion wants to say she's scared
but now knows better—she hears Kirk's voice saying it's all right. Feels his
hand on her shoulder comforting her.
"It's
all right," she murmurs. It's all right because there was no body, and he
had a way of pulling life from certain death.
She
believes he's alive. Somewhere. Somehow. Unless they show her a body, she will
go to her grave believing her good captain is still living.
It's
not much to hold onto. But she's spent a lifetime under his command. She can't
bear to think that's over now.
"I
miss you," she has murmured into her pillow at night.
She's
said "I love you," too, into that pillow. She never told him when he
was alive, but she thinks he knew. He just never wanted to do anything about
it. One kiss, on that god-awful planet with those power-mad Greek pretenders.
That's all she ever had with him.
She
wonders if, now that her fantasy is gone, she and Scotty might make it. Might
be able to reach all the way for each other without a certain captain looming
between them—even if the captain in question had no idea
he was the problem.
The
man she thought was Kirk says something rather loudly.
He
still sounds like her captain.
She
resists the urge to turn around.
##
It's
hard to believe the captain he served with for so long is gone. He can't help but
feel that he should have done more during that crisis on the new Enterprise. That if he was quicker
working the engineering magic he's known for, the captain could have gotten
away from the infernal thing that killed him.
How
can there be no body? That's what keeps him up some nights. There was no body:
was the captain in space and they missed him? He ran sensors this way and
that—Sulu's girl helped him look. They looked inside the ship, too, although
they never told Harriman they were doing that. He seemed too spooked by what
had happened for them to tell him they suspected Kirk might have been ground to
bits by the thing he was saving them all from. That he would always be in the
ship, trace elements floating in the air and sticking to the walls of the new
corridors.
Harriman's
Enterprise? Not likely.
But
there was no trace of the captain inside, either. Nothing except where he'd
been working, and that was just what you'd find with anyone who moved about a
ship. Nothing to indicate a man died on that spot.
How
can a man die and leave no trace?
He's
changed his will since this happened. Used to want to be donated to science, if
they'd have his scotch-filled corpse, but now he wants to be buried somewhere.
He wants to leave a trace. Even if it's not on Earth, but on Norpin V.
He's
leaving in four days on the Jenolan.
A small ship—not much to speak of compared to his beauty of a starship—but
sound and quick. He'll be at his new home in no time.
His
only regret is that he'll be there alone. Once, he thought he and Nyota might
have a chance at happiness, but that feeling went away when he realized he was
second best in her heart.
She
was in love with the captain.
It
hurt, but he understood. Of all the men for her to prefer, that one made sense.
Even if she never was with Kirk as far as he knew.
Maybe
once he gets settled, he'll comm her, invite her out. Maybe now they have a
chance, when they're both free and both understand what they've lost.
Yes,
that's what he'll do—as soon as he arrives on his new planet.
##
She
sits in a helm training module back at Command rather than on the bridge of the
Enterprise-B—when will they stop
calling it that? When will they just call it the Enterprise? It's not as if the old one is coming back.
Just
like the old one's captain won't, either.
The
ship is in for repairs after running into that...thing. But there are no
repairs for the ship's image now. It's bad luck, the whisperers in the hallways
of Command say. They trail off when they see her, knowing she's assigned to the
vessel they consider cursed.
Funny
how Kirk's Enterprise could run into
all kinds of strange and dangerous things and come out lucky to be alive—one
time didn't even make it back from the joyride he'd taken it on. Now, her captain's ship is bad luck?
It
was on launch day, though. She tries not to be superstitious but it's hard—stargoing folk tend to be. Something about knowing only a
wall of duranium separates you from an agonizing death in the vacuum makes you
appreciate the old comforts of superstition.
She
thinks about omens and other things, half an eye on the simulator—she could do
this in her sleep. Why didn't they just give her leave? She would have taken a
shuttle out to rendezvous with Excelsior.
She has a sudden need to see her father, to make sure he's all right. He loves
his ship as much as Kirk loved his. She knows this from sad experience. She's
on the helm of a starship because she thought her father might finally notice
her, treat her like an equal, not the little girl he would throw up in the air
on the rare times he was home.
She
loves her father, but she's not sure she likes him very much. Although like or
not, she has an irrational need to go out and make sure he's okay.
And
to check on Jan. Jan used to love Kirk, maybe still did. She's probably taking
this hard. There might be—if the rumors are right—a hell of a lot of women
taking this news hard.
She
saw a little bit of that famous Kirk charm the short time she knew him. Short
as in minutes. Why was she first meeting Kirk at the launch? Why did her father
never show her off just a little to the man he admired more than anyone?
Would
he have done it if she were a boy? She's always wondered. Her father, for all
that he left behind the old family ways when he aspired to the stars, strikes
her as more and more traditional the older he gets.
If
she ever has children, they will never have to wonder if she's proud of them.
She
knows her father loves her. He commed her right after the accident. But she's
never been sure if he's pleased with how she turned out.
She
should have chosen something other than helm. Did she really think being just
like him would make him want her around more?
But
she loves the helm. Loves the idea of such a great and noble ship moving under
her hand. She loves her Enterprise
more than she ever thought possible.
It's
not cursed. They'll see. It's not cursed.
##
She
sits on the bridge of Excelsior and
listens for the comms. She has been reading a news item that a memorial for
Captain Kirk is being erected on the Academy grounds. She wonders what facet of
him they'll try to capture.
She
knows so many of them, even if he never let her in the way she wanted. The kind
man, the man who felt too much but pretended he was fine, the man who couldn't
sleep at night—usually because he'd had too much coffee during the day or he'd
lost someone and had just finished notifying their next of kin.
She
remembers the man who noticed her legs—but never commented. The man who
believed in her and pushed her to make more of herself.
That
man who tried to rape her. The man who afterwards couldn't look her in the eyes
for a week, until she finally sat him down and made him talk to her about what
happened.
She
wanted to hear that he loved her, that he couldn't live without her, that the
attack hadn't been violence but passion denied.
She
didn't hear those things. He was ashamed of his dark side: that was the only
confession she got.
If
he loved her, she never knew.
It's
been so long since she's seen him. She made a choice to finally give Kirk up
when she left Ops to join Hikaru on this ship. And
she's come to love the Excelsior
almost as much as Hikaru does. But never as much as
Captain Kirk loved the Enterprise.
How
could any woman compete with that?
Or
maybe not a woman. She always wondered about him and Spock. But if they were
together, why would Spock run off to that place on Vulcan where emotion is
purged—maybe because he couldn't compete, either?
She's
never trusted Spock. Not since his comments after the almost-rape. He always
presented that cold Vulcan face to the world, but those words had been entirely
human, in her opinion. "Interesting qualities?" Really? Really?
Had
he been jealous that the captain didn't go after him?
She
sighs. This is pointless. She's spent much of her life resenting Spock for one
thing or another. It's not fair to blame him for the fact that the man she
adored never loved her.
It's
not fair at all.
It
won't stop her from doing it.
##
He
watches Jan as she sits and broods. She's been doing that ever since Captain
Kirk died.
No
trace. The idea gives him nightmares. No trace, no burial, no final resting
place.
But
people will remember Kirk. The memorial is going in a prominent place on the
Academy grounds. Everyone will see him and remember what a true hero is.
He
will go to visit the memorial as soon as Excelsior
gets back to Earth. He owes Kirk that much and more. The captain was a mentor
to him. Pushed for him to get his own ship. Spent evenings over beer talking
about the ways of leadership.
Kirk
was the best leader he ever followed. If he's learned half of what Kirk tried
to teach him, he will be far ahead of his peers.
He's
talked to Demora about what happened on the Enterprise-B. He was surprised Kirk
would even go—the captain hated those kinds of things, especially on a ship
that in a prior version had been his. But maybe he was bored. The captain was
living a quiet life now that he was retired. Quiet and alone from what he
understood.
He
wondered why Kirk had never made romance work when he'd seemed so good at it.
Back in the day, he used to wish Kirk could mentor him in the skills of the
heart, of passion, of getting someone to notice him.
Kirk
got Starfleet Command to notice him. That was enough.
That
was everything.
He
looks over at Jan and feels a pang for her. She loved him, their forever
captain. Even when she was in Ops, she loved him. He almost gets up to go talk
to her, to see if he can draw out some of that pain.
Then
he sees the set of her jaw, the way she's drumming her fingers on the comm
panel, and decides to let her be.
She'll
get over this in her own time. Or maybe she won't. But either way, it's none of
his business unless it affects her efficiency as an officer. And so far he's seen none of that.
He
turns back to the viewscreen, wondering if he feels even half the pleasure Kirk
must have when sitting in the center chair of the Enterprise. He thinks Kirk probably felt more: he never had a wife,
never had a child follow in his footsteps the way Demora
has.
He
counts himself lucky. Even if he disappears in space the same way as his idol,
someone will remember him—someone will carry on.
##
She
sits in the lab that fills her time but will never lead to greatness. She
touched greatness, had a hand in it—no, more than a hand, damn it. Genesis was
her baby. Her project. And Starfleet took it away.
Then
they took her son.
And
now they've taken Jim away, too. Killed on that horrible ship—only not his ship
this time. Someone else's Enterprise.
That
must have shattered him. Sitting on the bridge—or would he stand? There hadn't
been any guest chairs on his bridge, so she supposes he'd have stood, pushed
off to a corner.
Yes.
That must have killed him. So much that he had to be a hero. One last time.
Her
son—their son—took after him, as it turned out. She wasn't supposed to know anything
about what happened other than the brief, cold message from the Starfleet
officers who came to her apartment. "We regret to inform you that your son
was killed during a science mission." Nothing about why or who or how long
it took him to die.
But
Saavik told her. The girl had sought her out and told her. She knows Saavik
risked censure, possibly worse. Genesis was a forbidden subject. But now she
knew. Her boy died on that planet. Saving Saavik. Saving Spock.
And
the planet was unstable. Her boy had cheated, just like his father. Or that was
what he told Saavik. And she had told Saavik to use that fine Vulcan mind of
hers. Did anyone expect a planet formed out of stardust and stellar rubble to
be stable?
As
for cheating? Protomatter in the mix would have
happened even if David had thought better of it. She would have thrown it in
herself. It was necessary for the process to work. She always knew that.
Why
didn't she tell David that? Why didn't she let him know he wasn't like his
father, wasn't cheating. That lack will haunt her till
it's her turn to go. That she let her boy die thinking he'd failed.
But
she didn't let him die. Starfleet did.
Jim
did.
Only...she
knows that's not true. David left her behind and went on with the project.
David got himself killed by being in the wrong place at the wrong time and then
being a hero.
She's
not sure what hurts her most: that David turned out just like Jim, even though
she tried her best to keep him on her path, or that Jim had him when he died.
David was working for Starfleet, if not part of it yet. On her project that she couldn't touch anymore.
How
dare they? Had Jim been behind that? He wasn't usually petty but for his
son—the son she'd kept from him—would he have been?
She
won't cry. Not for David and not for Jim. She's lost everything already. Lost
Jim a long time ago, and all her tears for him are gone. She's already cried
for David.
She'll
sit in this lab and pretend to be interested in what she's doing.
And
all the while she knows that instead she could be creating life from
lifelessness, if only the Federation wasn't so short sighted. If only military
minds didn't see weapons where there's only salvation.
If
only David insisted he couldn't work on Genesis
without her. Why didn't he do that?
If
only Jim hadn't left her all those years ago—hadn't chosen space over her and
his son.
If
only...
It's
the story of her life.
##
She
stands at the window of the Vulcan Science Academy and wonders where Spock is.
She has been wondering this for days and knows it is illogical to keep thinking
of him, but she does it anyway.
Logic
has never been her strong suit. Especially when it comes to Spock.
And
to the man who has died. A man she at first held in disdain and then came to
see the greatness of.
A
man she cried for. In private, however. She is not the same young woman who
cried openly for Spock.
But
she worries openly—last night Sarek told her to sit down and stop checking the
comm system. Normally, he never chides her.
She
has no idea where Spock is or if he knows that his greatest friend, his captain
for all those years, is dead. What will it do to him when he finds out? The
news coming so closely on the heels of Valeris's
treachery.
Spock
trusted Valeris and she betrayed him. Betrayed the Federation and Starfleet and
everything a Vulcan should stand for. She thought Spock might finally turn back
to her when Valeris—his new favored protégé—fell from favor.
But
he did not.
He
has not treated her the same since his Fal-tor-pan, and she thinks it is because he figured out both
what she did for him—or rather for the new Spock in his body—and that she let
the restoration ritual begin without telling the priestesses that another mind
lived in the body they were going to fill with Spock's katra.
Another version of Spock lived.
A
version that had to die so the man she looked up to—the man she loves as a
father—could return.
It
was a clear case of the needs of the many. She knows Spock understands that
concept, has heard him say it to her so many times.
Why
does it not apply to that? Is what she did so ruthless?
Does
he think it was easy for her to keep him alive during his Pon
Farr? To have sex with the man who has been her protector—her father? To touch
a mind so young, so innocent—yet resonating with something familiar—and then
let it die?
Why
has Spock abandoned her this way?
And
will he come back now that he has lost both of them—his greatest friend and his
newest...what? What was Valeris to him? She has never been sure. But Valeris is
at Rura Penthe and Kirk is
gone, and now only she remains.
Why
does she feel shame at the thought? It is a logical path of reasoning. He needs
a confidant. He needs to share.
Once,
he shared with her.
Perhaps
again.
If
only she knew where he was.
##
He's
drifting. Lying on an air mattress in a little resort town just outside of
Sochi, enjoying the feel of the water on his fingertips. The Black Sea has
always represented peace to him. Peace and childhood trips to his grandmother's
and a complete lack of responsibility. No chores. No homework. Just fun.
He
hasn't had fun since the launch of that other Enterprise. They say the ship is cursed, and he almost believes it.
Demora gets mad at him whenever he brings it up. But
she never served on the real version
of her ship, the true Enterprise. He
did. He knows. That ship was not cursed.
That
ship was magnificent.
The
time he spent on that ship were the best years of his life. He grew up on that
ship, learned how to be a man on that ship. Met friends for life on that ship.
He kept coming back even when other assignments might have brought him
promotions faster.
He
came back for his friends. He came back because it was the finest ship in the
fleet.
And
he came back for his captain.
His
captain who gave him a chance when he was so young, who put him on the bridge
and trusted him. Who gave him every opportunity to lead.
His
captain who he fears he let down.
What
if he had been with Kirk, working on the deflector relays instead of setting up
a makeshift sickbay? Could he have saved him? He was younger—his reflexes were
better. He might have been able to pull him to safety.
He
shouldn't blame himself; he knows this. There were potential wounded and
someone had to go down to sickbay. He blames Harriman. That Cossack launched
with no doctors aboard? What was he thinking?
Does
Harriman think? He froze when Kirk did not. The new captain of the Enterprise froze.
Why
is he still a commander when the new captain of the Enterprise can't find his way out of a bag without asking for help
from Captain Kirk?
Kirk
gave the help, of course. Gave it with a minimum of disdain, even. He doesn't
think he would have been able to do that had he been in Kirk's place. He knows
that in the after-action hearing, he was less than positive about Harriman's
performance.
Actually,
he said that Harriman killed the finest captain in the fleet. Fortunately, he
muttered it in Russian, and he doesn't think the officers conducting the
hearing picked it up on their universal translators. Harriman is well
connected. Word is he kisses ass with the best of
them.
It's
how to get a ship these days, apparently.
He
knows Hikaru was dismayed at the selection. Hikaru thinks he should be a captain already, but here he
is, still a commander, floating on a mattress full of air while an idiot has a
starship at his command.
The
water feels too warm. The sound of kids yelling and listening to music on the
beach bothers him.
He
paddles farther away from shore. The sun beats down on him and he can still
hear the kids.
Peace
is very far away.
##
She
sits in Ops, in the big office that used to belong to Cartwright, and watches
as the last of the reports come in.
No
sign of Kirk's body. Not a trace.
She
knows that the search went on much longer than anyone else is aware. She also
knows Spock is leading it. He came to her and asked for her help, so she got
him a ship with a small crew.
She
can do things like that now. She has power. Especially since the clean-up after
the conspiracy was exposed. She was experienced in Ops and not involved with
the traitors, and so she moved up fast. She's in a place she never expected to
be. She knows there's a pool on when she'll make captain.
Captain?
Her? She was supposed to be a scientist, not Starfleet. If not for Roger. If
not for the ship she found herself on, the friends she made, and the captain
she served.
It
might surprise her friends to know she never stayed on board because of Spock.
She's smart enough to know when something is not going to work out. It's why
she left to go to Ops. Not because of Decker being gone, as she knows some
people thought. She stayed on the ship three years. If that's a kneejerk to
being demoted, her reflexes stink.
No,
she didn't run from the Enterprise.
She ran to Ops. And found bustle and crazy people and power. Power
she found she liked.
And
whatever power she has is because of Kirk. He talked her up to Cartwright; he
got her this job in this crazy place that makes her exhausted and exhilarated
all at once.
She'd
do anything for Kirk. Even if it means bending some rules so Spock can have a
ship.
So Spock can keep looking for his best
friend when everyone else has given up.
So Spock, too, can fail to find him. Just as
she knew he would. But that wasn't the point of giving him the ship. She never
thought he'd find their captain. She just knew he had to try.
She
closes her eyes and sees Spock as he was. So frantic—for a Vulcan. Before she
saw him, part of her had thought maybe now he would want her. Now that the man
she suspected was her rival was dead. But once she saw him, she didn't care
about all that anymore.
Spock
was unraveling before her eyes. It didn't matter why he needed to search for
Kirk. It didn't matter if Kirk had been his lover or his friend. It only
mattered to let him try.
She
reads the last of Spock's reports. He's sending the ship back without him. Transferring
off at the nearest starbase and heading home to
Vulcan. There is a private note. It says only, "Thank you."
She
smiles. In all the scenarios she ran as she sent him out with his somewhat
irregularly requisitioned ship, very few had him coming back to Earth to be
with her. It may hurt to know that he doesn't want her that way, but she's glad
she's still on her game.
##
He
hurts. He hides the hurt, of course, behind a mask of Vulcan calm.
His
friend is dead. He thought he could find him when others failed, and he thought
wrong. He thinks Christine knew he would fail, but she let him go anyway. Found
him a ship—he is still not sure how she did that—and a crew and let him go
search for Jim.
But
his friend is gone. He has always known that, barring accidents, he would
outlive Jim. But he did not think he would lose him so early.
When
he could have been next to him. He was invited to the launch and declined.
Why
did he decline?
He
could have saved Jim. Or he could have died with him. Either would have been
preferable to this life that strings out ahead of him now. He thought he had
found a successor in Valeris. He thought he would have time to spend with his
friend.
He
was a fool.
On
the intercom, he hears that his shuttle is boarding. He rises slowly, appearing
probably older than he is to anyone watching. He is so tired—when did he sleep
last? And this pain inside him—will it ever end?
And
the resonance. The feeling. The wishful thinking, perhaps, that Jim is not
dead. That Jim is just out of reach. Spock knows he should not dwell on it. It
is merely a stage of grief: denial.
His
friend cannot be dead.
His
friend can cheat death—he has done it so many times before.
His
friend would not abandon him.
Jim
would not leave him alone.
He
stands for a moment, carryall in hand, in the middle of the spaceport loading
area, making people walk around him as he takes a slow, deep breath and
composes himself.
Jim
is gone.
Nothing
will ever be the same.
He
will go on anyway.
##
He
stands at the spot they intend to put Jim's memorial and pulls out a bottle of
his best Kentucky bourbon and two glasses from the small bag he's brought. He
puts the glasses on the ground and opens the bottle, pouring two fingers into
each glass. The amber liquid catches the setting sun, lighting up like liquid
fire.
Leaving
one glass on the ground, he lifts the other one up and holds it up to the sky.
"To the best captain any sawbones ever served with."
He
takes a sip, turns to see what the view is from another angle, and sips again.
This
spot is beautiful. Jim would be pleased.
He
looks down at the glass and closes his eyes tightly. "To the best friend I
ever had. I'm sorry I didn't come with you to the launch." He whispers the
words, can't bear to say them much louder.
What
does he think he could have done? Saved Jim?
He
sips again, and this time the bourbon burns as it goes down. Yes. Yes, he does
think that.
Damn
it all, why didn't he go?
He
finishes the drink and picks the bottle up, but leaves Jim's glass where it
sits.
"Did
you serve with him, sir?" A cadet—if he squints, the boy sort of looks
like Jim might have when he was in the Academy—is standing on the path just
below him.
"I
did, son. Finest captain ever."
The
cadet salutes the glass. "Gone but never forgotten."
"Here."
He hands the cadet the bottle. "You making good friends here, son?"
"Yes,
sir."
"Treasure
them. Go drink with them. Enjoy the night. We don't know how many of them we
get."
"Yes,
sir." The cadet takes the bottle, then he salutes him.
He
has to say, "No, no, I'm retired now."
"Don't
much care, sir."
He
realizes the cadet has a southern accent, too. Why didn't he notice that
before? "You go on now, son. Don't let an old man's sadness get you down."
The
cadet looks again at the spot where the glass sits. Then he takes out a laser
knife and burns the grass just below the glass until it says "Captain
James T. Kirk."
"Thank
you. I forgot my laser scalpel. Getting old. I'd forget my brain if it wasn't
tucked in tight."
The
cadet smiles. "Was he everything they say?"
"He
was nothing like they say. And he was so much more."
FIN