DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the
property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The
story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c)
2013 by Djinn. This story is Rated PG-13.
And Everything Collapses
by
Djinn
ŅIt's so curious: one can resist tears
and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes
you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in
bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer...and
everything collapses. Ó ― Colette
She
is sitting at her new station—new: this late in life and sheÕs finally
trying something other than communications—and she hears a voice that
sounds so much like KirkÕs she turns and stares.
Not him. Of
course, not him.
SheÕs
spent a lifetime on his bridge.
Heard him in every conceivable mood. She should know that this other man isnÕt
him.
Especially
when Captain Kirk is dead.
Dead. She canÕt understand it. The finality of it for
a man whose energy seemed infinite.
Scotty
told her what happened. TheyÕve
stayed friends even if their affair died away quickly. He held her when he got back from the Enterprise-B launch. Held her and kept saying, ŅThere was no
body. No body at all.Ó
ThatÕs
the hardest thing. And the best.
Because
somewhere—in the part of her that still on occasion wants to say sheÕs
scared but now knows better—she hears KirkÕs voice saying itÕs all
right. Feels his hand on her
shoulder comforting her.
ItÕs
all right, she murmurs. ItÕs all
right because there was no body, and he had a way of pulling life from certain
death.
She
believes heÕs alive.
Somewhere. Somehow. Unless they show her a body, she will go
to her grave believing that her good captain is still living.
ItÕs
not much to hold onto. But sheÕs
spent a lifetime under his command.
She canÕt bear to think thatÕs over now.
ŅI
miss you,Ó she has murmured into her pillow at night.
SheÕs
said ŅI love you,Ó too, into that pillow. She never told him when he was alive,
but she thinks he knew. He just
never wanted to do anything about it.
One kiss, on that god-awful planet with those
power-mad Greek pretenders.
ThatÕs all she ever had with him.
She
wonders if, now that her fantasy is gone, she and Scotty might make it. Might be able to reach all the way for
each other without a certain captain looming between them—even if the
captain in question had no idea he was the problem.
The
man she thought was Kirk says something rather loudly.
He
still sounds like her captain.
She
resists the urge to turn around.
##
ItÕs
hard to believe the captain he served with for so long is gone. He canÕt help but feel that he should
have done more during that crisis on the new Enterprise. That if he
was quicker working the engineering magic heÕs known for, the captain could
have gotten away from the infernal thing that killed him.
How
can there be no body? ThatÕs what
keeps him up some nights. There was
no body: was the captain in space and they missed him? He ran sensors this way and
that—SuluÕs girl helped him look.
They looked inside the ship, too, although they
never told Harriman they were doing that.
He seemed too spooked by what had happened for them to tell him they
suspected Kirk might have been ground to bits by the thing he was saving them
all from. That he would always be
in the ship, trace elements floating in the air and sticking to the walls of
the new corridors.
HarrimanÕs Enterprise? Not likely.
But
there was no trace of the captain inside, either. Nothing except where heÕd been working, and
that was just what youÕd find with anyone on board. Nothing to indicate a man died on that
spot.
How
can a man die and leave no trace?
HeÕs
changed his will since this happened.
Used to want to be donated to science, if theyÕd have his scotch-filled
corpse, but now he wants to be buried somewhere. He wants to leave a trace. Even if itÕs not on
Earth, but on Norpin V.
HeÕs
leaving in four days on the Jenolan. A small ship—not much to speak of
compared to his beauty of a starship—but sound and quick. HeÕll be at his new home in no time.
His
only regret is that heÕll be there alone.
Once, he thought he and Nyota might have a chance at happiness, but that
feeling went away when he realized he was second best in her heart.
She
was in love with the captain.
It
hurt, but he understood. Of all the
men for her to prefer, that one made sense. Even if she never was with Kirk as far
as he knew.
Maybe
once he gets settled, heÕll comm her, invite her
out. Maybe now they have a chance,
when they are both free and both understand what theyÕve lost.
Yes,
thatÕs what heÕll do—as soon as he arrives on his new planet.
##
She
sits in a helm training module back at Command rather
than on the bridge of the Enterprise-B—when
will they stop calling it that? When
will they just call it the Enterprise? ItÕs not as if the old one is coming
back.
Just
like the old oneÕs captain wonÕt, either.
The
ship is in for repairs after running into that...thing. But there are no repairs for the shipÕs image
now. ItÕs bad luck, the whisperers
in the hallways of Command say.
They trail off when they see her, know she is assigned to the vessel
they consider cursed.
Funny
how KirkÕs Enterprise could run into
all kinds of strange and dangerous things and come out lucky to be alive—one
time didnÕt even make it back from the joyride heÕd taken it on. Now, her
captainÕs ship is bad luck?
It
was on launch day, though. She
tries not to be superstitious but itÕs hard—stargoing
folk tend to be. Something about
knowing only a wall of duranium separates you from an
agonizing death in the vacuum makes you appreciate the old comforts of
superstition.
She
thinks about omens and other things, half an eye on the simulator—she
could do this in her sleep. Why
didnÕt they just give her leave?
She would have taken a shuttle out to rendezvous with Excelsior. She has a sudden need to see her father,
to make sure heÕs all right. He
loves his ship as much as Kirk loved his.
She knows this from sad experience.
SheÕs on the helm of a starship because she thought her father might
finally notice her, treat her like an equal, not the little girl he would throw
up in the air on the rare times he was home.
She
loves her father, but sheÕs not sure she likes him very much. Although like or not, she has an
irrational need to go out and make sure heÕs okay.
And to check on Jan. Jan used to love Kirk, maybe still did. SheÕs probably taking this hard. There might be—if the rumors are
right—a hell of a lot of women taking this news hard.
She
saw a little bit of that famous Kirk charm the short time she knew him. Short as in minutes. Why was she first meeting Kirk at the
launch? Why did her father never
show her off just a little to the man he admired more than anyone?
Would
he have done it if she were a boy?
SheÕs always wondered. Her
father, for all that he left behind the old family ways when he aspired to the
stars, strikes her as more and more traditional the older he gets.
If
she ever has children, they will never have to wonder if sheÕs proud of them.
She
knows her father loves her. He commed her right after the accident. But she has never been sure if heÕs
pleased with how she turned out.
She
should have chosen something other than helm. Did she really think being just like him
would make him want her around more?
But
she loves the helm. Loves the idea
of such a great and noble ship moving under her hand. She loves her Enterprise more than she ever thought possible.
ItÕs
not cursed. TheyÕll see. ItÕs not cursed.
##
She
sits on the bridge of Excelsior and
listens for the comms. She has been reading a news item that a
memorial for Captain Kirk is being erected on the Academy grounds. She wonders what facet of him theyÕll
try to capture.
She
knows so many of them, even if he never let her in the way she wanted. The kind man, the man who felt too much
but pretended he was fine, the man who couldnÕt sleep at night—usually
because heÕd had too much coffee during the day or heÕd lost someone and had just
finished notifying their next of kin.
She
remembers the man who noticed her legs—but never commented. The man who believed
in her and pushed her to make more of herself.
That
man who tried to rape her. The man
who afterwards couldnÕt look her in the eyes for a week, until she finally sat
him down and made him talk to her about what happened.
She
wanted to hear that he loved her, that he couldnÕt live without her, that the
attack hadnÕt been violence but passion denied.
She
didnÕt hear those things. He was
ashamed of his dark side: that was the only confession she got.
If
he loved her, she never knew.
ItÕs
been so long since sheÕs seen him.
She made a choice to finally give Kirk up when she left Ops to join Hikaru on this ship. And sheÕs come to love the Excelsior almost as much as Hikaru does. But never as much as Captain Kirk loved the Enterprise.
How
could any woman compete with that?
Or maybe not a woman.
She always wondered about him and Spock. But if they were together, why would Spock
run off to that place on Vulcan where emotion is purged—maybe because he
couldnÕt compete, either?
SheÕs
never trusted Spock. Not since his
comments after the almost-rape. He always
presented that cold Vulcan face to the world, but those words had been entirely
human, in her opinion. ŅInteresting
qualities?Ó Really? Really?
Had
he been jealous that the captain didnÕt go after him?
She
sighs. This is pointless. She has spent much of her life resenting
Spock for one thing or another.
ItÕs not fair to blame him for the fact that the man she adored never
loved her.
ItÕs
not fair at all.
It
wonÕt stop her from doing it.
##
He
watches Jan as she sits and broods.
SheÕs been doing that ever since Captain Kirk died.
No
trace. The idea gives him
nightmares. No trace, no burial, no
final resting place.
But
people will remember Kirk. The
memorial is going in a prominent place on the Academy grounds. Everyone will
see him and remember what a true hero is.
He
will go to visit the memorial as soon as Excelsior
gets back to Earth. He owes Kirk
that much and more. The captain was
a mentor to him. Pushed for him to
get his own ship. Spent evenings
over beer talking about the ways of leadership.
Kirk
was the best leader he ever followed.
If heÕs learned half of what Kirk tried to teach him, he will be far
ahead of his peers.
He
has talked to Demora about what happened on the Enterprise-B. He was surprised Kirk would even
go—the captain hated those kinds of things, especially on a ship that in
a prior version was his. But maybe
he was bored. The captain was
living a quiet life now that he was retired. Quiet and alone from what he
understood.
He
wondered why Kirk had never made romance work when heÕd seemed so good at it. Back in the day, he used to wish Kirk
could mentor him in the skills of the heart, of passion, of getting someone to
notice him.
Kirk
got Starfleet Command to notice him.
That was enough.
That
was everything.
He
looks over at Jan, feels a pang for her.
She loved him, their forever captain. Even when she was in Ops, she loved
him. He almost gets up to go talk
to her, to see if he can draw out some of that pain.
Then
he sees the set of her jaw, the way she is drumming her fingers on the comm panel, and decides to let her be.
SheÕll
get over this in her own time. Or
maybe she wonÕt. But either way,
itÕs none of his business unless it affects her efficiency as an officer. And so far heÕs seen none of that.
He
turns back to the viewscreen, wondering if he feels
even half the pleasure Kirk must have when sitting in the center chair of the Enterprise. He thinks Kirk probably felt more: he
never had a wife, never had a child follow in his footsteps the way Demora has.
He
counts himself lucky. Even if he
disappears in space the same way as his idol, someone will remember
him—someone will carry on.
##
She
sits in the lab that fills her time but will never lead to greatness. She touched greatness, had a hand in
it—no, more than a hand, damn it.
Genesis was her baby. Her
project. And Starfleet took it
away.
Then
they took her son.
And
now theyÕve taken Jim away, too.
Killed on that horrible ship—only not his ship this time. Someone elseÕs Enterprise.
That
must have shattered him. Sitting on
the bridge—or would he stand?
There hadnÕt been any guest chairs on his bridge, so she supposes heÕd
have stood, pushed off to a corner.
Yes. That must have killed him. So much that he had to be a hero. One last time.
Her
son—their son—took after him, as it turned out. She wasnÕt supposed to know anything
about what happened other than the brief, cold message from the Starfleet
officers who came to her apartment.
ŅWe regret to inform you that your son was killed during a science
mission.Ó Nothing
about why or who or how long it took him to die.
But
Saavik told her. The girl had
sought her out and told her. She
knows Saavik risked censure, possibly worse. Genesis was a forbidden subject. But now she knew. Her boy died on that planet. Saving Saavik. Saving Spock.
And
the planet was unstable. Her boy
had cheated, just like his father.
Or that was what he told Saavik.
And she had told Saavik to use that fine Vulcan mind of hers. Did anyone expect a planet formed out of
stardust and stellar rubble to be stable?
As for cheating? Protomatter in the mix would have happened even if David
had thought better of it. She would
have thrown it in herself. It was
necessary for the process to work.
She always knew that.
Why
didnÕt she tell David that? Why
didnÕt she let him know he wasnÕt like his father, wasnÕt cheating. That lack will haunt her till it is her
turn to go. That she let her boy
die thinking heÕd failed.
But
she didnÕt let him die. Starfleet
did.
Jim
did.
Only...she
knows thatÕs not true. David left
her behind and went on with the project.
David got himself killed by being in the wrong place at the wrong time
and then being a hero.
SheÕs
not sure what hurts her most: that David turned out just like Jim, even though
she tried her best to keep him on her path, or that Jim had him when he died. David was working for Starfleet, if not
part of it yet. On
her project that she couldnÕt touch
anymore.
How
dare they? Had Jim been behind
that? He wasnÕt usually petty but
for his son—the son sheÕd kept from him—would he have been?
She
wonÕt cry. Not for David and not
for Jim. SheÕs lost everything
already. Lost Jim a long time ago,
and all her tears for him are gone.
SheÕs already cried for David.
She
will sit in this lab and pretend to be interested in what she is doing.
And
all the while she knows that instead she could be creating life from
lifelessness, if only the Federation wasnÕt so short sighted. If only military minds didnÕt see
weapons where there is only salvation.
If
only David insisted he could not work on Genesis without her. Why didnÕt he do that?
If
only Jim didnÕt leave her all those years ago—didnÕt choose space over
her and his son.
If
only...
ItÕs
the story of her life.
##
She
stands at the window of the Vulcan Science Academy and wonders where Spock
is. She has been wondering this for
days and knows it is illogical to keep thinking of him, but she does it anyway.
Logic
has never been her strong suit.
Especially when it comes to Spock.
And to the man who has died. A man
she at first held in disdain and then came to see the greatness of.
A
man she cried for. In private, however.
She is not the same young woman who cried openly for Spock.
But
she worries openly—last night Sarek told her to sit down and stop
checking the comm system. Normally, he never chides her.
She
has no idea where Spock is or if he knows that his greatest friend, his captain
for all those years, is dead. What
will it do to him when he finds out?
The news coming so closely on the heels of ValerisÕs treachery.
Spock
trusted Valeris and she betrayed him.
Betrayed the Federation and Starfleet and everything a Vulcan should
stand for. She thought Spock might
finally turn back to her when Valeris—his new favored protˇgˇ—fell
from favor.
But he did not.
He
has not treated her the same since his Fal-tor-pan,
and she thinks it is because he figured out both what she did for him—or
rather for the new Spock in his body—and that she let the restoration
ritual begin without telling the priestesses that another mind lived in the
body they were going to fill with SpockÕs katra. Another version of Spock lived.
A
version that had to die so the man she looked up to—the man she loves as
a father—could return.
It
was a clear case of the needs of the many.
She knows Spock understands that concept, has heard him say it to her so
many times.
Why
does it not apply to that? Is what
she did so ruthless?
Does
he think it was easy for her to keep him alive during his Pon
Farr? To have sex with the man who
has been her protector—her father?
To touch a mind so young, so innocent—yet resonating with
something familiar—and then let it die?
Why
has Spock abandoned her this way?
And
will he come back now that he has lost both of them—his greatest friend
and his newest...what? What was
Valeris to him? She has never been
sure. But Valeris is at Rura Penthe and Kirk is gone, and
now only she remains.
Why
does she feel shame at the thought?
It is a logical path of reasoning.
He needs a confidant. He
needs to share.
Once,
he shared with her.
Perhaps again.
If
only she knew where he was.
##
He
is drifting. Lying on an air
mattress in a little resort town just outside of Sochi, enjoying the feel of
the water on his fingertips. The
Black Sea has always represented peace to him. Peace and childhood trips to his
grandmotherÕs and a complete lack of responsibility. No chores. No homework. Just fun.
He
has not had fun since the launch of that other Enterprise. They say
the ship is cursed, and he almost believes it. Demora gets
mad at him whenever he brings it up.
But she never served on the real
version of her ship, the true Enterprise. He did. He knows. That ship was not cursed.
That
ship was magnificent.
The
time he spent on that ship were the best years of his life. He grew up on that ship, learned how to
be a man on that ship. Met friends
for life on that ship. He kept coming back even when other assignments might
have brought him promotions faster.
He
came back for his friends. He came
back because it was the finest ship in the fleet.
And he came back for his captain.
His captain who gave him a chance when he was so young, who
put him on the bridge and trusted him.
Who gave him every opportunity to lead.
His
captain who he fears he let down.
What
if he had been with Kirk, working on the deflector relays instead of setting up
a makeshift sickbay? Could he have
saved him? He was younger—his
reflexes were better. He might have
been able to pull him to safety.
He
shouldnÕt blame himself; he knows this.
There were potential wounded and someone had to go down to sickbay. He blames Harriman. That Cossack launched with no doctors
aboard? What was he thinking?
Does Harriman think? He froze when
Kirk did not. The new captain of
the Enterprise froze.
Why
is he still a commander when the new captain of the Enterprise canÕt find his way out of a bag without asking for help
from Captain Kirk?
Kirk
gave the help, of course. Gave it
with a minimum of disdain, even. He
does not think he would have been able to do that had he been in KirkÕs place. He knows that in the after-action
hearing, he was less than positive about HarrimanÕs performance.
Actually,
he said that Harriman killed the finest captain in the fleet. Fortunately, he muttered it in Russian,
and he doesnÕt think the officers conducting the hearing picked it up on their
universal translators. Harriman is
well connected. Word is he kisses
ass with the best of them.
ItÕs
how to get a ship these days, apparently.
He
knows Hikaru was dismayed at the selection. Hikaru thinks
he should be a captain already, but here he is, still a commander, floating on
a mattress full of air while an idiot has a starship at his command.
The
water feels too warm. The sound of
kids yelling and listening to music on the beach bothers him.
He paddles farther away from shore.
The sun beats down on him and he can still hear the kids.
Peace
is very far away.
##
She
sits in Ops, in the big office that used to belong to Cartwright, and watches
as the last of the reports come in.
No
sign of KirkÕs body. Not a trace.
She
knows that the search went on much longer than anyone else is aware. She also knows Spock is leading it. He came to her and asked for her help,
so she got him a ship with a small crew.
She
can do things like that now. She
has power. Especially since the clean-up after the conspiracy was
exposed. She was experienced in Ops
and not involved with the traitors, and so she moved up fast. SheÕs in a place she never expected to
be. She knows thereÕs a pool on
when sheÕll make captain.
Captain? Her? She was supposed to be a scientist, not
Starfleet. If not
for Roger. If not for the
ship she found herself on, the friends she made, and the captain she served.
It
might surprise her friends to know she never stayed on board because of
Spock. SheÕs smart enough to know
when something is not going to work out.
ItÕs why she left to go to Ops.
Not because of Decker being gone, as she knows some people thought. She stayed on the ship three years. If thatÕs a kneejerk to being demoted,
her reflexes stink.
No,
she didnÕt run from the Enterprise. She ran to Ops. And found bustle and crazy people and
power. Power she found she liked.
And
whatever power she has is because of Kirk.
He talked her up to Cartwright; he got her this job in this crazy place
that makes her exhausted and exhilarated all at once.
She
would do anything for Kirk. Even if
it means bending some rules so Spock can have a ship.
So
Spock can keep looking for his best friend when everyone else has given up.
So
Spock, too, can fail to find him.
Just as she knew he would.
But that wasnÕt the point of giving him the ship. She never thought heÕd find their
captain. She just knew he had to
try.
She
closes her eyes, sees Spock as he was.
So frantic—for a Vulcan. Before she saw him, part of her had
thought maybe now he would want her.
Now that the man she suspected was her rival
was dead. But once she saw him, she
didnÕt care about all that anymore.
Spock
was unraveling before her eyes. It
didnÕt matter why he needed to search for Kirk. It didnÕt matter if Kirk had been his
lover or his friend. It only
mattered to let him try.
She
reads the last of SpockÕs reports.
He is sending the ship back without him. Transferring off at the
nearest starbase and heading home to Vulcan. There is a private note. It says only, ŅThank you.Ó
She
smiles. In all the scenarios she
ran as she sent him out with his somewhat irregularly requisitioned ship, very
few had him coming back to Earth to be with her. It may hurt to know that he doesnÕt want
her that way, but sheÕs glad sheÕs still on her game.
##
He
hurts. He hides the hurt, of
course, behind a mask of Vulcan calm.
His
friend is dead. He thought he could
find him when others failed, and he thought wrong. He thinks Christine knew he would fail,
but she let him go anyway. Found
him a ship—he is still not sure how she did that—and a crew and let
him go search for Jim.
But
his friend is gone. He has always
known that, barring accidents, he would outlive Jim. But he did not think he would lose him
so early.
When
he could have been next to him. He
was invited to the launch and declined.
Why
did he decline?
He
could have saved Jim. Or he could
have died with him. Either would
have been preferable to this life that strings out ahead of him now. He thought he had found a successor in
Valeris. He thought he would have
time to spend with his friend.
He
was a fool.
On
the intercom, he hears that his shuttle is boarding. He rises slowly, appearing probably
older than he is to anyone watching.
He is so tired—when did he sleep last? And this pain inside him—will it
ever end?
And the resonance. The
feeling. The wishful thinking,
perhaps, that Jim is not dead. That
Jim is just out of reach. Spock
knows he should not dwell on it. It
is merely a stage of grief: denial.
His
friend cannot be dead.
His
friend can cheat death—he has done it so many times before.
His
friend would not abandon him.
Jim
would not leave him alone.
He
stands for a moment, carryall in hand, in the middle of the spaceport loading
area, making people walk around him as he takes a slow, deep breath and
composes himself.
Jim
is gone.
Nothing
will ever be the same.
He
will go on anyway.
##
He
stands at the spot they intend to put JimÕs memorial and pulls out a bottle of
his best Kentucky bourbon and two glasses from the small bag heÕs brought. He puts the glasses on the ground and
opens the bottle, pouring two fingers into each glass. The amber liquid catches the setting
sun, lighting up like liquid fire.
Leaving
one glass on the ground, he lifts the other one up and holds it up to the
sky. ŅTo the best captain any
sawbones ever served with.Ó
He
takes a sip, turns to see what the view is from another angle, and sips again.
This
spot is beautiful. Jim would be
pleased.
He
looks down at the glass and closes his eyes tightly. ŅTo the best friend I ever had. IÕm sorry I didnÕt come with you to the
launch.Ó He whispers the words,
canÕt bear to say them much louder.
What
does he think he could have done?
Saved Jim?
He
sips again, and this time the bourbon burns as it goes down. Yes. Yes, he does think that.
Damn
it all, why didnÕt he go?
He
finishes the drink and picks the bottle up, but leaves JimÕs glass where it
sits.
ŅDid
you serve with him, sir?Ó A
cadet—if he squints, the boy sort of looks like Jim might have when he
was in the Academy—is standing on the path just below him.
ŅI
did, son. Finest captain ever.Ó
The
cadet salutes the glass. ŅGone but
never forgotten.Ó
ŅHere.Ó He hands
the cadet the bottle. ŅYou making
good friends here, son?Ó
ŅYes,
sir.Ó
ŅTreasure
them. Go drink with them. Enjoy the night. We donÕt know how many of them we get.Ó
ŅYes,
sir.Ó The cadet takes the bottle, then he salutes him.
He
has to say, ŅNo, no, IÕm retired now.Ó
ŅDonÕt
much care, sir.Ó
He
realizes the cadet has a southern accent, too. Why didnÕt he notice that before? ŅYou go on now, son. DonÕt let an old manÕs sadness get you
down.Ó
The
cadet looks again at the spot where the glass sits. Then he takes out a laser knife and
burns the grass just below the glass until it says ŅCaptain James T. Kirk.Ó
ŅThank
you. I forgot my laser
scalpel. Getting old. IÕd forget my brain if it wasnÕt tucked
in tight.Ó
The cadet smiles. ŅWas
he everything they say?Ó
ŅHe
was nothing like they say. And he
was so much more.Ó
FIN