DISCLAIMER: The Justice League of America
characters are the property of DC Comics. The story contents are the creation
and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2005 by Djinn. This story is Rated
PG-13.
When You're Letting Go
by Djinn
I let Diana go today. I don't think she realized it, certainly the
rest of the League didn't--well, except for Arthur. He knew, I think, that I was giving in when I
didn't step forward, didn't try to claim to be some prince of Krypton so that I
could kiss Diana and bring her back to life.
He guessed that I had figured
out that they're together. I could see
it in his eyes as he looked at me. In his small, triumphant grin. We've been friends forever,
Arthur and I, but he liked winning. And
he liked seeing me tip my king over.
I wonder if Bruce would have
backed away? If he were still part of us, and not on the outside jumping in only
when he thinks we need him? Would
he have given up so easily? He doesn't
have to give up though. He's not
married. He's not in love with another
woman.
He's not in love with two
women. Not that it's a contest. My wife comes first. She always will.
Diana knows that. She knows Lois means the world to me. She doesn't push, just lets me be her friend,
and lets me figure out what that means.
But if we're friends, why hasn't she told me about Arthur? Will she tell me in a few minutes when she
comes into the kitchen for a new bottle of water and finds me lying in wait for
her?
That's such a Bruce thing to
do. Lie in wait. But here I am doing it, circling the kitchen
and trying to look as if I have some reason for being here other than accosting
the woman I can't have with the truth.
Maybe accost is the wrong word.
Confront? Bludgeon?
How does she feel about Arthur anyway? I've
always taken for granted that if she picked anyone else, it would be
Bruce. I never saw this coming. Never saw her choosing to be Arthur's lover.
Not that he's not worthy of
her. He may, in fact, be more worthy of
her than any of us. But it doesn't sit
right. It hurts more than her being with
Bruce would--or how I imagine her being with Bruce would feel.
Not that I have the right to
feel any hurt. I can't be with her; I
won't be with her. Not now, not while
there's Lois.
I love Lois. She's my life, my world...part of my
world? How can Lois be my whole world
when so much of my life is spent next to Diana?
But that's normal. Diana's a business associate, and we spend
much of our lives on the job. It's a
nice idea. If that's all she was, it
would even be a true one. But she's not
just someone I work with, someone I fight next to. She's my lov--
She's my friend.
I love her as a friend. Care for her...only as a friend. I don't want her,
don't imagine what it would be like to be with her. I've never come up with elaborate fantasies
of she and I alone somewhere, free to touch, to kis--
I've never fantasized about
her.
God. Such a
lie...and I don't lie. I'm
Superman. Man of Steel, Man of
Tomorrow--enough tomorrows and Diana will be mine. God help me, but I've thought that.
I wonder how long Arthur will
live?
I didn't mean to catch
them. I just wanted to use the lounge,
to think, to be alone. It was locked; I
was annoyed. I used my super-vision. I shouldn't have. Ma used to tell me, "
She wasn't wrong. I saw them...together. Kissing. More than kissing.
God, Diana looked
beautiful. She touched Arthur with a
familiarity that told me they'd been making love for a while. She surrendered to him in a way I've only
dreamed about her doing to me. Her head
thrown back, her legs wrapped around him.
To think of how they looked
together is torture. To put myself in
his place, to build a fantasy around a sight I never should have seen, is
masochistic.
I do it anyway.
"Kal?" Diana walks by
me, sweating slightly. She reaches into
the fridge, grabs a bottle of water.
Normally, she'd stand close to me, taking whatever private time we
get. Normally, she'd want to talk to me.
Tonight, she just walks out.
"Good workout?" I
ask, and she turns around.
She nods. "J'onn is a
tough opponent."
"Good...that's
good."
She shoots me a look that is
wary and a little bit troubled.
"Well, I better go."
"Don't." My hand is up and out to her before I can
think better of it.
In the past, she would have
come back. Her eyes would have sparkled
and her smile would have lit up the watchtower as she walked to me and took my
hand.
Back before
Arthur. In the face of her new lover, I don't rate a
smile, apparently.
"I have to go," she
says, and there is a hint of desperation in her voice.
There is more than a hint of it in mine.
"Why? Is he waiting?"
She does not play coy, does
not ask who "he" is. She just
takes a deep breath, as if fighting for some kind of control. Finally, she says, "Yes. He is."
"Well, then. Best go." I sound petulant. Like a little boy who's been told he can't
play with his favorite toy. I feel like
a little boy.
"Kal. Don't."
"I'm not doing anything,
Diana. Go on. Have fun." I wave her away as if I don't care.
She closes her eyes. "Why are you being like this?"
"Like what?" I move closer. Much too close.
She takes a step away.
"Afraid?"
Her eyes open quickly. "Of you?"
I nod.
"No. I've never been afraid of you. Although, I don't think I like you very much
right at this moment."
I ignore the last part,
mostly because I don't like me very much at this moment either. "Then who are you afraid of?"
"Who says I'm
afraid?" Her voice is low, trembles
slightly.
I can't stand it. I can never stand it when she stands this
close--even if it's my fault we're in such tight proximity--and when her voice
trembles. Diana crying breaks me into little
pieces. Diana smiling can do the same
thing. I pull her into my arms, feel her
resist for a moment, then she lets go, lets me hold her.
"Kal. I have to live
my life. I can't hold on to a
dream."
"So I'm a dream?"
"Maybe you're a
nightmare."
She's probably right. Maybe I am.
I don't answer, don't do anything more than
hold her, my hands running up and down her back, the way she likes.
"Diana?" Arthur is standing at the door,
his voice is soft but full of emotion that I don't like. Possession. Affection. And judgment.
I have a feeling that he and
I will be discussing my relationship with his lover before too long.
She pulls away slowly,
doesn't jerk--although I wish she would.
It would show she feels guilty. That there is still something between us.
"Ready
to go?" His eyes as they look at her are gentle. When he turns to me, they are as cold as the
sea in winter.
"Good night, Kal,"
she murmurs, moving to join him.
He reaches out, and she takes
his hand. There is an ease in the way
his hand closes around hers. An ease and a territoriality. The ocean has just extended its reach to our
little piece of real estate on the moon.
The sea has just claimed the woman I love.
And there's not a damn thing
I can do about it.
Arthur's expression doesn't
warm as he says, "I'll see you later."
I can feel my own face
becoming stone. "You
bet."
I get the feeling we are at
war now. Arthur is one of my oldest
friends, and now we are at war over this woman.
She sighs, as if she knows it
too. "Let's go," she says to
him.
He gives in to her
gracefully, his mouth turning up as he pulls her in close. He is ready to show me and anyone else who
sees them as they walk to the teleporter that they
are together. That she is his.
I don't like it. And the watchtower is suddenly stifling. I don't let them get to the teleporter first. I
won't give them the satisfaction of leaving me behind.
I fly, brushing past
them. Can hear Arthur's angry,
"Hey!" as I go by. Then I am
in the teleporter, beaming into
He looks up as I fly in. "Don't remember issuing any invites to
my lair,
"You didn't." I pace, up and down the
platform.
"Only one thing ever
gets you this riled up." He hasn't
put down whatever he's working on.
"What's Diana done now?"
"Not what. Who."
Bruce turns to look at
me. Then he laughs softly, a little bit
meanly. "You have a sense of humor
at the oddest times."
"That was truth not
humor. She's Arthur's lover."
"Yes, I figured that
out."
"And when were you going
to tell me?"
Bruce shrugs. "Not in the League anymore,
remember? Besides, I figured if Diana wanted
you to know, she'd tell you herself."
He takes a deep breath, seems to be fighting something. Finally he lets the breath back out. "You know, Diana's not one of my
favorite people right now. She didn't
back me, was a voice against me. She and Arthur both."
"I know. You should have waited. I'm not sure I would have voted against you,
but you just assumed I would."
"I'm a master at reading
the tides."
I wonder if he's using sea
metaphors on purpose. It wouldn't be out
of character for him to want to needle me.
"I've never asked you how you feel about her."
"I just told you. Not my favorite person."
"Not what I mean,
Bruce. Do you love her?"
He gets up--I've finally
kicked through his emotional armor.
"I wouldn't call it love."
He turns a hard look on me.
"Although it's probably closer to love than what you feel for her
is."
I have the urge to knock him
away. "What's that supposed to
mean?"
"You're not in any position
to have her, yet you keep tugging her back every time she gets out of
range. Let her go,
"I'm glad I came
here. You always make me feel so good
about myself, Bruce." I move over
to look at what he's been working on.
"What does she see in him?"
Bruce's hand clamps down on
my shoulder. A
friendly pat that turns into a not-so-friendly warning. "That's none of your business, my
friend." Sitting down, he goes
back to work. "None of mine either. Don't let the bat-door hit you on the way
out."
"Funny."
"I'm busy here,
"I do love her."
He waves me away with a
gesture that clearly means "you just keep telling yourself that."
"I do."
"Go home to your wife,
Clark."
Sighing, I turn and take off,
flying low and not very fast out of the batcave. Bruce is wrong. I do love Diana. I do know what it means to love her.
Even if I
shouldn't. Even if the part of me that only loves Lois
wishes I didn't.
As Metropolis comes into
sight, I force myself to quit thinking of Diana. Lois and I could go out tonight. I'm in the mood for seafood. Maybe I'll eat one of Arthur's favorite
subjects.
The thought feels terrible and good at the same time.
He has my woman.
I hate him. I envy him.
I'd like to pummel him into a quivering, waterlogged mass and take her
back.
Lois looks up as I fly onto
the balcony. "Hey. I wasn't sure if you'd be back in time for
dinner."
I drink her in. My wife is beautiful; she is all that I need.
She should be all that I
need.
I wish to hell she was all I
needed.
"Let's go out," I say. "How does seafood sound?"
Lois makes a face. "I had that for lunch. Chinese?"
"Chinese is
fine." I go into the bedroom,
change quickly.
She follows me in, moving
closer, and I can smell the light scent she wears. It is comforting in its familiarity. Diana never smells of scent, but her skin
has a spicy aroma all its own.
"Is something wrong,
"I'm home, with
you." I take her hand and walk with
her out of the apartment. "What
could be wrong?"
My tone is light, but it is a
weightier question than Lois will ever know.
And one I should consider carefully.
Or perhaps one I should do everything but consider if I'm truly letting
go of Diana.
And I am letting go of her.
I wish I could let go of her.
I will let go of
her...someday.
FIN