DISCLAIMER: The Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters are the property of Mutant Enemy, Joss Whedon, and Fox Studios. The story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2000 by Djinn. This story is Rated PG.
Watch Me
by Djinn
The light was still on in the Magic Box but
the door wouldn't budge. She tried it again. Knock, her tired brain said,
knock. Her hand wanted to just break the lock but instead it followed
instructions, tapped gently, then a little louder on the door.
"Just a moment," she heard faintly
from inside the shop, then the unmistakable sound of the lock being pulled back
and the door opened.
"Buffy?" Her watcher stood in the
doorway, blocking her way.
She resisted the urge to push him aside. Said
sarcastically, "Can I come in?"
His concerned expression changed instantly to
wariness. "Do you need me to say that?"
Her exhaustion turned to irritation. "Oh for god's sake, Giles. I'm not a vamp. Now get out
of my way before I move you out of my way."
"Yes quite," he moved aside hastily
as she pushed past him. "This is a surprise. Come to train?"
"Um-huh." She mumbled, not stopping on her way to the back
room.
"Bad night?"
"You could say that." She saw him
follow her in, standing silently as he watched her. He pushed his glasses up
automatically and the movement caused her a momentary pang. So
familiar. Next he would cross his arms and look at her in solemn
concern. She had never known Riley this well. Would never
know him this well. She dropped her purse at the edge of the mat, pulled
off her sweater. The punching bag was now Riley. She landed several solid
blows.
"I take it you don't want to talk about
it?"
She spun, her foot connected to the bag with
a thud. Xander, the bag was Xander.
"Nope." She rained lightning blows on the canvas, hit it until her hands hurt. Now it was Spike. Her
feet connected again and again. Strong legs making the bag fly.
"Ok then." Giles walked to the
doorway leading into the shop. "I'm just going to finish up out here. If
you need me..."
"I know where you are," she replied
without pausing from her workout.
"Right." He closed the door.
She felt tears threaten. Blinked
them back furiously. The bag wasn't Giles at least. She took another
swipe at it, saw Angel's face there. Why did you leave me? Five well placed
punches and his face disappeared. She stopped and the heavy bag swung back at
her. She caught it easily, stopped its motion without effort.
"Angel." She whispered as she hugged the bag tightly. "Angel."
****************
Giles listened to the sounds from the other
room. Heard the rhythmic thumps stop, turn to dead silence.
He agonized over whether to go in to her. "Best to let her get it out of
her system," he decided aloud. But his heart hurt as he turned back to his
account books to finish counting the day's till.
He was halfway done when the door opened.
Buffy stood in the doorway watching him. He glanced at her, could tell she'd
been crying, but her face now was expressionless.
How much more can she take? How much more will you make her undergo, he thought angrily to the powers
that be.
"Buffy?"
"Is it me, Giles?"
"Is what you?"
She walked to the counter, faced him, the
worn wood between them. "Do I chase them away? Or destroy them
somehow?"
"Buffy..."
"No, I mean, look at Angel, he went all
the way to LA to get away from me."
Giles remembered the worrisome phone call he
had received from Cordelia. He couldn't tell Buffy
about that. She didn't need to know yet that Angel might be returning to his
evil ways. He wrenched his mind back to what she was saying.
"And what about Scott
or Parker? And let's not even
start on Riley." She looked at him. "Is it me?"
He shook his head. "No." He studied
the young woman in front of him. And she was a woman now. He remembered when he
had first met her. She had been a girl then, so full of enthusiasm, so
energetic in her quest for life. He compared that vision to the Buffy he saw
before him. The woman who had seen too much life at such a
young age. Or too much death.
He slipped the receipts and cash into a bank
bag. The books could wait until tomorrow. Shoving the bag into the secret
compartment under the cash register that Xander had
built for him, he walked around the counter to where she stood. He motioned
with his head to the table. "Let's sit for a bit, hmm?"
She let him lead her to the table, dropped
into a chair. He took the one next to it, turned it to face her.
"Buffy. I'm your watcher. I'm supposed
to give you answers and help you. But I can't help you with this. Not with
romance. Look at me? Am I any kind of role model for you in that?"
She smiled sadly. "I guess not. Why do
other people get to be happy?"
"I don't know. I've often wondered that
myself."
"Do you think I would have been happy
with Riley?"
He thought carefully before he answered.
"You might have been."
"That's not an answer, Giles."
"Yes it is. Because being happy, well
that's up to us isn't it? If we find the right person we still may not be
happy. Sometimes it is easier to be happy with the wrong person. Because they never challenge us."
"Riley didn't challenge me?" She
sighed heavily. "Why was everything so hard with him if he didn't
challenge me?"
"Things weren't hard with Angel?"
She answered immediately. "No. I mean
yes it was hard knowing he was a vampire, and then when he turned that was
awful. And when he came back, knowing we couldn't be together, that was
horrible. But loving him? Loving him was never anything but effortless. Loving
Riley felt like something that I thought I should do."
"I see."
"But maybe that's what we are supposed
to want. The good man, the nice guy."
"Yes well it's a bit of a cliché by now
but nobody seems to want the nice guy."
He studied her as she spoke. Watched her tension ease up a little and the life come back to her
face. He was very worried about her. Had been for some
time. She was on the verge of darkness. Not the demony
kind of darkness that she feared she might descend to, the one that Dracula had
taunted her with. But the apathetic darkness of not caring if
she lived or died. He didn't want to lose her. The world needed her,
they all needed her. He probably needed her the most
of all.
"Spike's in love with me."
"Good god!" The words were out
before he could stop them. But of course, he realized, a lot of things suddenly
made sense. "How do you feel about that?"
"Giles, it's
Spike."
"And..."
She ran her hand through her hair. "And nothing. He's a vampire. I mean one without a
soul. Unless you count the chip. But we're not,
counting the chip I mean. And anyway, this is Spike we're talking about."
"And you feel nothing for him?"
She pushed back in her chair, pulled up her
knees so she could wrap her arms around them. "I can't believe we're
having this conversation."
He sighed. What was the attraction that she
held for vampires? And vice versa. He could see there
was something there, something she didn't want to face. "You're right.
It's none of my business."
He began to rise. Her next words stopped him
short.
"Would it be wrong?"
"You mean Spike?"
"Yeah." Her tone was petulant and defiant. She sounded like a
lost child. Or like Faith. He wasn't sure which image disturbed him more.
"I think that's up to you to
decide."
"That's such a watcher thing to say,
Giles. Can't you just tell me yes or no."
He smiled at her fondly. "No,
Buffy. I wish I could. But I can't." He got up and began to walk to
the counter then turned back to her. He knew his expression was one of
distaste. "But Spike? Really, Buffy."
She just laughed as she stood up and walked
back into the training room. Soon he heard the normal thwacks and thumps that
indicated she was feeling better.
************
Buffy took another deep breath. The air was
so much fresher at night. That was one of the reasons she had turned down
Giles' offer to drive her home. She loved to walk. This was her town and
walking it let her know it was going to be fine, for at least one more night.
Plus, how would Spike follow her around if she were in a car? Would be so much harder for him to keep up. She toyed with
the idea of calling to him, putting an end to this charade. But
no. Better to let him think he was too stealthy for her. Better to leave
him in the shadows. She wasn't ready for anything else. And she knew, deep
down, that calling to him would be the end of this current phase they were in.
If she called him out, she'd have to kill him or love him. There was no middle
ground right now.
Just to annoy him she decided to run. She
loved the feeling of her own blood singing in her veins. Of
the wind on her face and the strength of her legs as they pounded the sidewalk.
She listened for him, could barely make out his slightly different steps. But
he was keeping up with her. Even Riley at his best couldn't keep up with her
when she really ran.
Laughing inside she turned it up a notch, ran
full out. He was still behind her. She slowed abruptly. God, what was she
doing? Was this some kind of test? She heard his footsteps slow behind her.
Not even breathing hard she continued to
walk. Her house came in sight and she smiled. Her mom would be home tomorrow.
Dawn had been so excited. She was too young to be without a mother. Buffy
wasn't a good substitute, although she would have tried. She hoped Dawn was
asleep now. That
Her attention was wrenched suddenly back to
the here and now by the sound of footsteps coming up on her fast. She spun and
saw Spike approaching in that quick swaggering way he did so well. He stopped
in front of her, lit a cigarette.
"Evening, Summers."
"Spike." She crossed her arms over her chest. "Lemme guess. Out for a stroll again?"
"Right on one." He took a deep
drag, blew some smoke rings. "Just thought I'd say hi, you know, since I
was in the neighborhood."
"How human of
you."
He nodded as if in agreement with her
assessment. "So. How's your mum?"
"She's coming home tomorrow."
He smiled. His smile seemed genuine. "Really? That's great. So she's alright then?"
"Looks like." She heard the door
open on the porch. Turned to see
"Red." He nodded to
She smiled back.
"Spike happened to be in the
neighborhood but he was just leaving." Buffy turned to look at him. Realized that it sounded like she was covering for him.
Which she was, but not for the reason they might think.
He gave her a smirk. "Yeah, I was just
leaving." He stubbed out his cigarette with his heel. As he passed her he
said softly, "Night, doll."
She ignored him and the small spark of
excitement she felt, the one she always felt when she was around him. Of all
the people she knew; he made her feel the most alive. Ironic.
She bounded up the stairs to her waiting friends. "So is Dawn
asleep?"
As she turned to close the door she saw him
across the street still watching her. Their eyes met and held for a moment
before she closed the door firmly on the night.
FIN