DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the
property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The
story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c)
2014 by Djinn. This story is Rated R.
The Peril of Intervening
Between Water and Stone
by
Djinn
Chapel
lay nestled against Spock while he read his padd, engrossed in an article
about—something. It wasn't
that she didn't understand what he read, it was that his range of interests was
so broad, she was never sure what he might be reading on any given day. This one looked like a ship report,
though, and she sighed and closed her eyes for about the fourteenth time. She could sleep with the light on, that
wasn't the problem. It was a family
joke that she could sleep anywhere, anytime.
Unless
the room was too warm.
"Spock,
can we turn the heat down?"
"I
have turned it down. This is the
temperature we agreed on—as a compromise."
"I'm
too hot."
"You
will grow used to it. Just as if we
are ever on Vulcan, you will grow used to the heat there."
"Yeah,
but there I'll be distracted by not being able to breath. In here, I just feel like I'm sweltering
to death."
"That
is an exaggeration." He went
back to his padd, but not before saying, "Computer, cool room three degrees."
She
stretched to kiss his cheek.
"Thank you."
"This
is not our new set point. I
am...indulging you."
"Speaking
of indulging, Valentine's Day is just around the corner."
"It
is a human custom, Christine."
"And
I'm human. And you're half human." She eased away from him, feeling petty
as a surge of dissatisfaction rolled over her. They'd gotten together after V'ger, and her birthday had been several weeks later. She'd let it slide that he hadn't done
anything for it; they were new as a couple, and she thought they'd work these
things out in time.
But
then Christmas had come, a holiday Spock pointed out much of the human
population didn't even celebrate, and she'd had to get her holiday cheer by
trading presents with Ny and Jan.
Which was what she was used to, but now that she was with Spock, it
hadn't been what she'd expected.
Roger
had spoiled her on every occasion.
Then again Roger had made a mechanical geisha that had looked nothing
like her, so maybe he wasn't the best one to compare to.
Spock
put down the padd. His sigh was a
longsuffering one, as if dealing with her emotions was a trial. "My mother does not celebrate
Valentine's Day."
"And
I'm not your mother." She
rolled on her side, facing away.
"Ask Jim for help, if you're truly unsure how to celebrate it. I'm sure he has plenty of ideas."
"And
I am sure he has better things to do than give me advice on our
relationship." Spock turned
her gently. "Christine, you
know me. I am Vulcan, and you knew
this from the moment we started. If
you wanted a highly romantic partner, you should have chosen someone
else."
"Funny,
that wasn't part of your sales pitch when you came to my quarters the first
time." He'd seduced her quite
skillfully after the meld with V'ger had left him so
emotional. She'd loved those first
weeks, when he'd been open to her, to loving her, to expressing that love.
He
was less open now. Far less
open. If she hadn't gotten a taste
of what a Spock capable of saying sappy things was like, his reversion to more
Vulcan behavior probably wouldn't hurt.
And he was right: she'd known going into this what a more normal Spock
would be like. She should be happy
that she'd had the chance to experience him fully embracing his emotions, even
if it had lasted only a short time.
And
he still wanted her, even as he'd grown more and more Vulcan. That was what kept her sane: he still
loved her. Even if saying "I
love you" had given way to "I care for you greatly." Kind of the wrong direction:
declarations should get stronger over time.
But
she knew. She knew how he was, and
that was all there was to say.
Still,
that didn't make it any easier to relax and invite sleep to take her. Sleep was, in fact, laughing at
her. She eased out of bed.
"Are
you all right?"
"Too
wired. Worst thing to do is lie in
bed when you can't sleep, so I'll just walk a bit. Go back to your reading." Her tone was unnaturally breezy, and she
couldn't bear to look at him when she was so obviously not feeling upbeat. She pulled on a pair of pants and her
favorite t-shirt, shoved her feet into some sandals, and got the hell out of
his quarters.
Blessed
coolness met her in the corridor, and she breathed deeply several times. She'd get used to the heat. People moved to the desert or a humid,
hot area and acclimated. She would
too.
But
why the hell should she? Some part
of her, some part not on board with the "Spock loves me so everything is
okay" mantra, kept whispering that she shouldn't have to put up with it. His room was too hot. And was it so wrong to want flowers or
candy or...anything?
She
made her way to her quarters, stood poised with her hand up, ready to palm the
door open, but couldn't bear to go into a room she never used anymore. Even if she could set the temperature to
frigid and bundle up under her down comforter.
The
way she liked to sleep.
She
turned and hurried away, wiping her eyes—stupid tears. Why? Why cry? She had what she wanted. She had it, and he was sweet to her in
his own way and liked sharing his quarters with her and was a good lover. What the hell was wrong with her?
The
observation room lay ahead and she went inside, waiting at the door for her
eyes to adjust, making sure there was no one else there.
As
her eyes got used to the blackness, she could tell she was alone, so she moved
away from the door and stood by the viewport, watching the star stream go by,
trying to not think about things like Valentine's Day or next year's Christmas
or her birthday. She heard the door
open and closed her eyes, holding them tightly shut—was there nowhere she
could hide on this damned ship?
Even
if she knew she had quarters she could have hidden in. But Spock had access to them. And she didn't want him to see her crying. Not that she was crying now, but she was
afraid if she was really alone, she would.
So she'd come here, where she'd have to control herself because anyone
could bust in on her—as someone had just done.
She
heard a sigh, a familiar one, and turned to see who had come in.
Kirk
was standing where the dim light from the small window in the door lit the
room, hands on his hips, staring out at the stars, a grim look on his face.
"You're
not alone in here, Jim."
He
turned, seemed to spot her immediately.
"I knew you weren't at the party. I thought you were with
Spock." He walked over to her. "I was buying. Should have been there."
She
smiled. Everyone had been excited
about the party he was hosting.
Drinks on him was not the normal way. "I doubt you missed me. And it was one less knock against your
credit line."
He
laughed softly, but it was too dark to see his expression. "Not my credit line. As captain, I have a discretionary
morale fund."
"Ah. Good to know." She turned back to the viewport. "I think we both came here to be
alone. One of us should
leave."
He
somehow found her hand in the dark, pulled her out to the more lit area he'd
been standing in before, and studied her.
"You have quarters.
Solo ones. You can't be
alone in them?"
"You're
right." Trust him to say that,
too. He never held back, not now
that she was a doctor and with his best friend. She usually liked that he didn't see the
need to watch his words with her. But
tonight there was a little too much insight alongside the honesty. She tried to get away from him, but he
didn't let go until she turned and glared at him.
"Chris,
what's wrong?"
She
was not going to do this; she was not going to talk about Spock to his best
friend. "Just having a bad
day."
"Did
I do something?"
She
started to laugh. "No,
Jim. It's nothing you did. I'm just...it's just a bad day,
okay?"
"Okay." He didn't look convinced.
"I'll
let you have the stars in peace."
"I
could share them with you." He
seemed to realize how that sounded and laughed a little nervously. "I mean—"
"I
know what you meant, Jim. It's
sweet. You're sweet." But still, Spock's best friend.
She
turned and left before he could use that sweetness to cajole her into opening
up. Something else she'd found out
since she'd been with Spock that he was way too good at doing.
##
Spock
sat in the crowded mess, trying to tune the sounds of others out with the
success he had enjoyed during his previous assignment on the Enterprise. Since his meld with V'Ger,
he had found it difficult to achieve the level of stillness and peace that he
sought.
"You
want company?"
Jim. Spock felt a surge of contentment flow
through him. Being back with his
friend—allowing him to be a friend—refreshed him in ways that
nothing else did.
"Please."
Jim
sat and began to eat, their morning routine built from so many meals eaten
during their first mission together.
After a bit, Jim met his eyes.
"You and Chris okay?"
"I
am...unsure."
"Hmmm." He went back to eating, to Spock's
disappointment. At this point, he
thought he would welcome Jim's assistance.
"I
believe I disappoint her."
Jim
looked unsure where to go with that.
"Not
sexually."
Jim
started to laugh. "Okay,
then. Good to know. So how are you disappointing her?"
"She
has certain expectations."
"Everyone
does. It's how we're wired. Even you, my friend." Jim took a bite of his pancakes and
seemed to enjoy them more than usual.
At Spock's look, he shrugged.
"It's possible that Bones will put me on a diet after my physical
this afternoon. So I'm going to
enjoy these while I can."
"A
sound policy." Spock pushed
his plate away. "She wishes to
celebrate Valentine's Day."
Jim
shot him the look Spock disliked immensely. The one that said he was being stubborn
for no reason. "Then buy her
some roses. Problem solved."
"I
would be buying them merely to ease her discontent. I would not be entering into the spirit
of the holiday. I do not care about
the holiday."
"You
care about Chris, right?"
Spock
nodded. "But it is the principle of the thing."
"So
hurting her is worth some principle?"
Jim sighed as if very disappointed with him. "Buy her some chocolates, too. You've got the credits."
Spock
sighed, and Jim took a break from the pancakes, studying him as if trying to
figure out why this was so difficult.
"Spock,
all I'm saying is that no matter what you think of the holiday, you ignore it
at your peril. Got it?"
Spock
took a deep breath, leaning back, trying to find the repose he once found so
effortless.
"Is
this really about some holiday?"
"My
quarters are too warm for her."
"Your
quarters are a goddamn blast furnace, Spock. Why do you think we play chess in my
quarters or the lounge?" He
smiled gently. "What's really
wrong?"
Spock
shook his head and was silent, long enough for Jim to abandon waiting and go
back to his pancakes. Finally,
Spock said, "She is more volatile than I anticipated."
"Is
'volatile' a highly charged way of saying 'emotional'?"
"No. She is human. Emotions are part of being human. To expect otherwise would be
illogical."
"So
she's too emotional?"
"I
am not able to anticipate what will please her and what will make her
unhappy. We have been together three
months: should I not be more accomplished at making my mate...happy?"
"Mate? Wow. Did you...?"
Spock
could tell Jim was speaking of the bond.
He shook his head. "It
is how I consider her."
"Ah. Yours."
"Yes. Mine." He took a deep breath, let it out
slowly, trying to impede the slow gnawing feeling that he thought might be
unhappiness. "What would you
do?"
Kirk
pursed his lips and leaned back.
"I lived with a highly volatile woman. You met her: she tried to execute you while
she was in my body."
Spock
could feel his lips turning up slightly and didn't fight it, content to let Jim
see he was amused.
"Indeed. Christine is
not unstable to that degree."
"Unstable?" Jim put his fork down. "How is she volatile?"
"I
compare her to women I have known.
My mother. Leila. T'Pring."
"T'Pring? The wacky gal who tried to have one of
us kill the other?"
"T'Pring,
for all her faults, is not volatile."
Jim
frowned. "Are you saying you'd
prefer her to Chris?"
"I
am not. I am merely noting that the
Christine I remember from our first posting was more serene than the one with
whom I am now dealing."
Jim
pursed his lips again, but this time Spock could tell it was in
impatience. "She's been
through a lot since then. She double-timed
it through med school. Had no life
while she was doing that. Then
everything that's happened here—losing Decker who was her friend, losing
her posting, having to make accommodations to a new role—and me, back in
the center seat rather than the man who chose her for CMO. She's not the same woman—a woman
who frankly was more than a little stuck in a comfortable rut. Maybe this is the real Christine Chapel?"
"That
is my fear."
Jim
made a face and shook his head, going back to his breakfast.
"I
have said the wrong thing."
"Has
it occurred to you that you're oversensitive right now, going from Gol to a
mega-meld with V'Ger, and that it's unfair to compare
her to other women. You chose her,
not Leila. Frankly, I think you
made the right choice. Not a fan of
your Doctor Kalomi."
"You
did not see her at her best. She
was under the influence of the spores."
"So
was I. I broke away."
"Perhaps
you would not have if a woman you loved had been there. What if it had been Doctor Marcus? Would you not have been distracted by
having a chance to address your choices with regard to her?"
"There
was no choice with her, Spock. That
was the problem. Carol wasn't
volatile: she was unswerving in her demands." He rubbed his eyes. "Sorry, don't mean to snap. Yesterday was David's birthday. It's why I threw the party, so I could
forget about a milestone I'm not allowed to celebrate with a son I'm not
allowed to see."
Spock
felt regret, hot and urgent, fill him and he closed his eyes. "I did not mean to—"
"It's
all right. Just...leave my love
life out of this, okay?"
"Very
well."
"And
talk to Chris. I know you two love
each other. I've seen that."
Spock
nodded, but he thought Jim might have missed a very important point. Spock did love Christine. He knew she loved him. Love was not the issue. And they were intensely compatible in
bed, so desire was also not the problem.
Liking
each other, on the other hand, might prove far more challenging.
##
Kirk
watched the landing party as they interacted with their Danivian
counterparts. He'd slotted Chris as
the medical rep but after his conversation with Spock at breakfast, he'd
considered replacing her with Bones.
He'd
opted not to. He had to hope they
could be professional about this, whatever was really going on. Because he knew if push came to shove,
Chris would be the one he'd put on beta shift, not Spock.
Kirk
needed him. Chris was a key
officer, but she wasn't as essential to him.
He
sighed and pushed on his forehead; he had the beginning of a nasty
headache. He hated this time of
year, when his son turned another year older, thinking no doubt that Kirk
didn't want to be in his life, that he was a bad father—that he hadn't
even given him his name.
He
could have. If Carol had let
him. There were plenty of fleet
officers who were out on ships while their families were home. He'd been in Starfleet when Carol met
him; this should not have turned out this way.
A
situation he couldn't finesse—a woman he couldn't charm. His detractors would love to know there
was actually a scenario the great James T. couldn't control, couldn't make come
out his way.
"Are
you okay?" Chris's soft
voice. He turned, saw she was
smiling gently. "They'd like
to give us a tour of their emergency operations center. They really want you to come."
"Okay." He rubbed his eyes again; they felt like
someone had scrubbed sand under his eyelids.
"Hold
on." She scanned him. "Nothing in the atmosphere to cause
this type of reaction. They're really
red."
"I
didn't sleep well last night."
"I'm
sorry. I hope it wasn't Spock and
my problems keeping you awake."
She didn't have the probing sound of someone who knew what was keeping
him awake. Spock hadn't
shared—good.
"It's
a long story, but it's not the two of you.
Just a bad day."
"Oh,
sure, use that tired excuse."
She winked and took his arm just long enough to get him moving toward
where the group touring the facility was gathering. "I'm sorry, by the way."
"For
what?"
"For
not asking why you were in the observation lounge when your party was going on
without you. Not like you to throw
a big hootenanny, booze on you—or your super-duper morale fund—and
then ditch it? And you
looked...grim."
He
tried a shrug, and she laughed softly.
"Fine,
don't tell me. But I wanted you to
know I noticed. I'm not solely into
my own petty problems. No matter
how it might have seemed."
Another gentle smile and she moved away a little.
Kirk
studied her as they walked with their hosts, played back his latest
interactions with her. She seemed
pretty much like he remembered.
Sweet. Concerned. Competent. Funny, when she wanted to be.
What
the hell had Spock's knickers in such a knot? Was Valentine's Day a stupid
holiday? Yes. But how hard was it to make her
happy? Just buy her some damn candy
and flowers already.
"Something
wrong? You're staring at
me." She started to laugh.
"No. I was thinking about my stuff. Sorry, did it while I was looking your
way."
"Okay." She smiled, but it was a confused smile.
Damn
it all. Why was he even worrying
about this? He put on his best
"Show me all your amazing sights" expression and engaged with their
hosts, like he should have been doing all along.
##
Chapel
palmed open Spock's quarters, was met with a blast of air that seemed hotter
than it ever had before. She closed
her eyes and prayed for strength to whatever deity looked after couples as
different as she and Spock seemed to be.
He
was meditating, candles going all around him, because why not add fire to heat
that was already blasting?
She
stood in front of him. "I need
to say something."
He
ignored her, but the expression on his face changed enough to let her know he'd
heard her.
"Computer
lower temperature to twenty-two degrees."
That
got his attention. His eyes snapped
open, and the look he gave her could only be called annoyed.
More
annoyed than he would normally show, now that V'ger
had worn off. She noticed his
terminal was on, walked over and saw a receipt for travel booked to
Vulcan. For one. "What—what is this?"
"It
is unfortunate timing." He
pinched the candles out and rose.
"I am cold."
"And
I am too fucking hot. But that is
not what I wanted to say."
He
reached around her and cleared the screen.
"What did you want to say?"
"That
I'm sorry if I made a big deal about Valentine's Day. I think...I think it's better if we
agree now that you don't have to worry about it." She swallowed. "Or my birthday, or Christmas, or any
other celebration that requires gifts." She sat down on the bed and took out her
scanner, checking him as he stood at the terminal, his back still turned to
her.
Shit. The levels were ones she was not likely
to forget. She realized he'd turned
around, could see what she was doing—so much for stealth. "Were you going to tell me?"
"Eventually." He studied her. "I would like to return to what you
said. You seemed to feel strongly
about my marking occasions with appropriate efforts. Why give me this graceful exit?"
Because
she was pretty sure he was going to screw up the presents—or resent her
for needing him to do this. She
didn't say that though. She'd give
him the more noble reason.
"You're Vulcan: presents aren't your way. I need to accept that."
He
touched her hair, moving his hand to her cheek—his skin was so hot. Why were they talking about presents
when this was back?
"Are
you going to Vulcan?" She
moved closer.
"I
am. I leave tomorrow. The ship is, fortunately, quite close to
Vulcan, and there is a shuttle leaving that I—"
"Am
I going with you?"
He
moved away, but the look in his eyes was helpless. "No."
"It's
the Pon Farr."
He
swallowed hard. "Yes."
"Aren't
you with me?"
"I
am."
She
got up, moved to him, taking him by the hand, and he pulled her in and held her
close. "I don't understand,
Spock. You love me, don't
you?"
"I
do."
"Then
who are you going to be with?"
"There
are priestesses. Trained to
help. There will be no emotional
connection, I assure you." He held
her more tightly, almost painfully.
"But
we have an emotional connection—and a physical one. A good physical one. And I'm strong. If you're worried about hurting me, then
it's a silly fear."
"I
am worried that I will bond with you in the heat of the burning, and that you
will let me." He eased her
away from him. "And we are not
ready for that."
She
backed away and sat down on the bed.
"Explain this to me. Is
it because I complain that I'm too warm in this room, or because I'd prefer
that you want to celebrate holidays with me? I'm trying to get better on the holiday
thing. We're going to have to find
a new compromise on the heat, but that's no reason to leave me here when you're
going through this."
"It
is every reason, Christine. If we
bonded, you would be trapped. Bound to me for the rest of
your—or more accurately my—life. I remember how I reacted around you the
first time I endured the burning.
We were not involved then, yet I wanted you. It will be much harder to not take what
I want, to not make this permanent."
"I've
wanted you for so long, Spock. I
think I've proven what I feel is lasting given how long I've waited. Permanent doesn't sound bad to me. Not if deep down you think you want it,
too."
"I
am not ready for it. And if you
were not hurt by the fact I am leaving you here, you would realize you are not
ready, either." The expression
on his face was one of deep regret.
"I love you, Christine."
She
glanced into the bathroom, saw that his carryall was in there, half packed,
open for him to put in—what?
Who the hell knew what he traveled with? Not her, that was for sure. "I think I'd take more comfort in
that declaration if you weren't packing for a solo trip." She stood.
"I
am leaving in an hour. You can stay
here with me and of course when I am gone.
This is your space, too."
A
space that until today she'd never had the balls to adjust the temperature of
without asking him first. "I
have quarters. I think I'll use
them. Let me know when you're
back." She hurried to the
door.
He
caught her before she could leave, eased her away, toward the bed, trying to
pull her clothes off as they went.
"I do not want us to part in this way. With coldness between us."
She
stopped him. "You can't have
sex with me and then leave for Vulcan without me."
He
kissed her, tenderly, sweetly.
"I will be careful. I
do not wish to leave with you angry."
His voice was ragged, the emotion surging out of him.
"How
can you ask me this and then leave me behind?" She shoved him onto the bed, and hurried
to the door, saying, "I'll see you when you get back."
She
slammed her palm down, and the door flew open. She practically ran out, glancing back
to make sure he wasn't following her.
She knew if she went back to him, he might lose himself in her. He might miss his shuttle, and they'd be
locked in his room, and he might want to bond with her, and she might let
him. And she needed to wake
up—she'd fallen once for him when his emotions were surging, but his
feelings hadn't lasted at that intensity.
They wouldn't this time, either.
He'd come back from Vulcan calmer—saner.
And
not bonded to her. Something she
hadn't really thought about wanting, not realizing the Pon
Farr was so close.
But
now that she knew he didn't want it, didn't think she was—what,
exactly? Respectable? Controlled enough?
Why
didn't he want her?
She
went to her quarters and suspended his access on the door. If he came looking for her, she wanted
to have the choice to let him in or not.
He
didn't come looking for her. And he
was off the ship by the time she went to dinner, forcing down a meal she didn't
feel like eating.
"You
want company?" Jim's voice,
behind her—he was giving her the chance to nod or shake her head without
having to look at him. Sparing her
from having to put on a brave face.
"I
don't know."
He
sat down next to her. "He told
me he needed to go, and why."
She
nodded.
"What
I don't understand is why he didn't take you."
"Join
the crowd." She stabbed a
piece of meat, chewed it, and found it tasteless. She pushed the tray away. "He's your best friend. I'm not going to talk to you about
this. I know I'm only in your life
because of him."
"Chris,
that's not true."
"Right,
because I called you 'Jim' so often before I was sleeping with
Spock." She rolled her eyes.
"If
you want to take it out on me, that's fine. I imagine you're hurting a great
deal."
"Don't
be gracious and logical. Tell me
I'm a bitch. Tell me I don't measure
up. Tell me why I wasn't good
enough to risk bonding with."
Damn—she had not meant to let that much slip.
"Is
that why he didn't take you?"
His tone was so gentle, so inviting, she found her resolution to not
involve him in this desert her.
"He
was afraid he'd lose control and bond with me. And he doesn't think we're ready for
that."
Jim
reached over, took her hand, squeezed it gently. "You've only been together a few
months, Chris. You're still
new. I think he was wise."
"Because
you don't think I measure up, either?"
"Because
the way I understand it, that bond is forever. That's a long time to be unhappy if
things don't work out. Being called
back every seven years or however it works for him. Do you really want that? He can bond with you any time. Wouldn't you rather it be when he's in
his right mind?"
"Pffffffff."
She pulled the tray back, speared a vegetable with less energy than
she'd attacked the meat.
"Fine. Make sense. See if I care."
He
laughed. "He did the right
thing, Chris. I know it hurts, but
he's thinking of you both here, not just himself."
She
ate a few more bites than pushed the tray away again. "He's with some other woman. He's cheating on me in order to spare
me. How am I supposed to feel about
that? About us?"
Jim
looked down. "This has to
hurt. I get that. I do."
"But
you think he was right?"
"I
do. I'm sorry if that hurts
you."
"The
truth hurts. That seems to be the
theme for the day." She pushed
her chair back and grabbed her tray.
"Have a good evening, sir."
"Chris. Don't sir me." He reached out and grabbed her hand,
pulling her back gently. "I
mean it. I am your friend, too."
"Okay." She pulled her hand from his grasp. "Goodnight, Jim."
He
gave her the sweetest smile she'd ever gotten from him. "That's better."
##
Spock
woke, the incense of the mating room suddenly smelling sour to him—or
perhaps that was his own odor. This
was his first consummated Pon Farr and it had lasted
far longer than he'd expected.
He
sat up, pulling the sheet over his lower body, even though it was illogical to
cover himself from T'Ferra. She had seen everything there was to
see.
She
was in the corner, curled up like a cat, and he could see dark green bruises on
her cheek where the meld points were.
He closed his eyes and held back a sigh.
Not
wanting to wake her, he made his way into the bathing room, skipping the bath
she had run for him, that the tub had been keeping warm, and using the shower
instead.
He
had the irrational urge to scrub the nights and days he'd spent with T'Ferra off his body, to somehow make himself clean again
for Christine. He cut the shower
short, found his robe and slipped it on.
T'Ferra was up and drinking water. "Your burning lasted longer than
normal."
"Being
half human..." He looked down;
why, after all these years, did that fact have to bring him such shame on his
home planet?
"Ah,
of course." T'Ferra stretched, a sinuous move but an innocent one Spock
thought, nothing intended to arouse him.
"I would not know you were human to look at you."
He
let an eyebrow be her answer.
"I
am serious. You appear Vulcan. Your strength seemed full Vulcan. Your reactions normal Vulcan male in
rut."
He
felt something inside him—some deep sense of insecurity—settle down
at her words. "Most
kind."
"It
is not kind to speak truth, Spock.
Surely you know this."
She touched her cheek.
"I will speak another truth.
I do not normally assist men who are as emotionally tied as you are to
your Christine."
"I
hurt you?"
"You
were looking for her. Over and
over."
"Would
I have bonded with her had she been here."
"Most
assuredly." T'Ferra studied him.
"Why omit her from this process?"
"We
are a new couple. And our
compatibility is still to be determined."
"And
the passion you feel for her cannot be everything in a relationship." She yawned, prettily. Priestesses such as herself did all
things gracefully. "You were
wise, then, to leave her on your ship—I assume that is where she
is."
He
nodded.
She
walked over to him. "Our time
is done. Live long and prosper,
Spock."
"You
as well, T'Ferra. I thank you most humbly for your
assistance." He turned and
left her, as the ritual words required.
Taking his bag, he made his way to a transport that would take him up
the mountains to his parents' house.
He
opened the door and saw his mother sitting in the living room.
She
beamed at him. "Spock. What a surprise. Did you bring Christine?"
Sarek
came out from the back of the house, from his office no doubt. There was, as always, a hint of
disapproval in his look. Spock was
not sure, however, if it was because Spock was involved with a human or that he
had not brought her with him. He
did not feel emotionally resilient enough to deal with his father's censure.
"I
am here on a most personal matter."
It was the way to say what was not spoken of.
His
mother's expression changed.
"Ah. So my question
applies even more. Is she coming
along later? Was she hurt?"
"Christine
did not accompany me, Mother."
He could feel Sarek's eyes on him, could imagine them judging him. Whether his father approved of Christine
as a possible mate for Spock or not, Spock knew Sarek would not like the reason
he had left her on the ship, that he did not feel capable of controlling
himself, that an inadvertent bond was a possibility.
"You
were with a priestess?" Sarek
moved into the living room, went to sit by Spock's mother.
"I
was."
Sarek
looked even more dissatisfied.
"Those are for men without mates. I was given to understand that you and
Doctor Chapel had forged an understanding."
Spock
forced himself not to react. If
only understanding was the primary thing he and Christine had forged. But it was not: it was passion and
desire and yes, he would call it love.
But understanding, compatibility, the kind of ease he felt with Jim or
Leonard? The kind his mother and
father appeared to enjoy? No. He said none of these things to Sarek,
though, settled for, "My relationship with Christine is my concern,
Father, not yours."
To
Spock's surprise, his father seemed to take the rebuke with good grace. "I will let the subject rest
now. How long are you
staying?"
"A
few days. I require rest."
"Of
course, my son. I will leave you to
that." His father shared a
look with Amanda that Spock could not read, then rose and left them alone.
She
stood and took his arm. "I
think you've made a mistake Spock.
Christine is a lovely woman."
"She
is. I care for her. I was not, however, ready to tie us to
each other forever. I was unsure,
given that my first Pon Farr was...interrupted, if I
would be able to control my desire for permanence with her."
"If
you desire permanence, Spock, why isn't she here?"
"Desire
does not always last. Passion fades. True rapport on the other hand
endures—she and I have not had time to build it." He yawned, tried to hide it, but of
course his mother saw it.
"Come
on, Spock. I'll tuck you in like
when you were my little boy."
"That
will not be necessary."
She
laughed, and he felt a surge of contentment at their old game and the joy it
seemed to give her. "Well, all
I can say, my boy, is that you better get some very nice Valentine's gifts for
her."
"She
has told me she understands my position.
That presents for any occasion are not necessary."
Amanda
laughed. "And she was lying
through her teeth."
He
sighed, then realized what he'd done.
So self indulgent. "I
am unsure what to make of your statement."
"If
she was letting you off the hook, it's for reasons that don't bode well for
you: either she thinks you'll give horrible gifts or she knows your heart won't
be in it."
He
nodded, giving up to his mother's logic.
"But you have let my father off the hook, have you not?"
She
laughed softly. "Just because
you do not see him giving me gifts, does not mean he doesn't."
He
knew he was frowning in confusion.
She
rubbed his temple gently. "My
poor boy. When you wake up, we'll
go shopping. I'll show you things a
woman likes. You can take it from
there—I hope." She
leaned up and kissed his cheek as they arrived at his bedroom door. "Go get some sleep. We'll be here when you wake up."
##
Kirk
headed into sickbay, happy to see it was empty of patients. Bones was long gone—Kirk had seen
him earlier in the lounge—but Chris was still working in her office and
had clearly not heard him come in.
"Hello
there."
She
looked up and started to laugh, no doubt at the two plates he was holding.
"I
nearly got mugged for these, so no laughing." He took the seat opposite her and handed
her a plate of key lime pie.
"I believe there is very little that this stuff can't make
better."
"What
if I tell you I don't like pie?"
But she put the plate down, point facing her, as any true pie lover
would do.
"Everyone
loves pie. I mean I could
understand not loving two-crust pies.
Those can get a bit much.
But this is essentially lime pudding on a giant squashed graham
cracker. With real whipped
cream." Just to screw with
her, he reached over and turned her plate so the point of the pie was facing
away from her.
She
started to laugh as she shrugged and slid her fork down one of the sides.
"You
surprise me. Most people have to
turn it back."
"Do
you?"
"If
it's been a bad day and I want to control things, then it feels good to have
the pie pointing the way I prefer.
Otherwise, I'm flexible. It
eats the same, as my grandmother used to say."
"It
does. And it's very
yummy." Her smile was
sweet. "What's the
occasion?"
"Well,
since Spock's held up until tomorrow, I figured you could use a
treat."
Her
expression changed, and she put her fork down.
"He
commed you, didn't he? His shuttle was supposed to leave
tonight but now can't depart until tomorrow. Waiting on a part or something."
"No. He didn't comm
me." She leaned back and
sighed.
"Check
your messages. I can't see him not
letting you know that he would be late."
"There's
nothing there, Jim." She met
his eyes, seemed to see something in his that made her turn to her terminal and
bring up the message queue.
"Nope.
Nothing." She carved
off another bite of pie with more restraint than he expected. "Thank you for this. It was sweet of you."
He
nodded.
"I
don't...I don't really understand him, Jim. I mean I wanted this for so long, and parts
of it are really good—I mean really
good."
He
laughed gently and looked down.
"Aww, am I embarrassing the great Casanova?" Her teasing had a gentle edge, so he
didn't mind it the way he did when others brought up his reputation.
He
took a bite of pie, thought about how far he wanted to delve into her
relationship with Spock. She looked
like she needed to talk, so he asked, "But the parts that aren't
good...?"
"They're
stupid things. They're little
things." She seemed to be
blinking back tears and stabbed a bite of pie more viciously this time. "Well, except the whole 'my
boyfriend went home to Vulcan to have sex with a hooker.' That's not a little thing."
"I
think they call them priestesses."
"Tomato,
tomahto, toots." She stood up. "I like coffee with my pie. Cuts the sweet. I have a pot of decaf on. You want some?"
"Sure. Black."
"I
know how you take your coffee, Jim."
He
smiled. He knew how she took hers,
too. Extra dark roast with so much
milk and sugar it nearly negated the whole dark part of the coffee.
And
Spock stuck with water. Or juice if
he was living on the edge.
Spock,
the idiot who hadn't thought to tell the woman he loved that he'd be delayed
after spending days—and nights—with another woman. He understood Spock's reasoning on why
he'd left Chris behind but still, this was just stupid. Or was he afraid to face Chris? Was he ashamed of what he'd done? Even if it was for the right reason?
"Here
you go." She put a mug down
for him, then sat down with her mug, her coffee a much lighter color than
his. He hoped she'd left out the
sugar if she wanted to cut the sweet.
They
ate in silence for a bit, then she said very softly, "The hell of it is I
understand why he did it. I've been
thinking about it—plenty of time to think—and he's right. We're too new to walk into a 'forever'
arrangement. I just wish I'd been
included more in the planning. He
was packing when I got to his quarters.
Was he just going to leave and not say goodbye?"
Kirk
wasn't sure, but felt compelled to defend his friend. "I don't think so."
"But
you thought he'd have let me know he was delayed and he didn't. So how well do you really know
him?"
"Pretty
damn well." He didn't like the
tone in his voice, how hard that came out, so he made his voice gentler as he
said, "He doesn't do things without a reason." Even if at times Spock was more
impulsive and unilateral than any person Kirk knew. Going out to meld with V'ger, leaving for Gol in the first place—that
decision had hit Kirk like a bolt.
Made worse that he'd found out after
Spock had left for Vulcan, and in a memo—Spock hadn't wanted to talk to
him about it in person. Maybe
avoidance was his preferred way.
Kirk met Chris's eyes and shrugged, could tell the gesture came off a
bit helpless by the way her expression changed.
"I
shouldn't be complaining about him to you."
He
reached across the desk and took her hand in his. "You're my friend, too, Chris. You need to believe that. I don't bring key lime pie to just
anyone."
He
heard the hiss of the sickbay door opening, then Rand's voice saying,
"Chapel, you bored with sitting around being a big grump because Spock's a
moron?"
Chris
started to laugh but also turned a charming shade of red.
"In
here, Jan," Kirk said, smiling at Rand as she stopped in the doorway. "I brought her pie."
"I
see that. Cameron hates key
lime. In a sharing mood?" She took the other chair in front of
Chris's desk, didn't seem the least bit embarrassed over what she'd said, and
looked pointedly at his piece of pie.
He
put the plate down so they could share.
"Mi pie es su pie."
Chris
grabbed another fork out of her desk drawer and handed it to her. "What's on the schedule for
tonight, Jan?" She looked at
Kirk. "She's in love."
"I
am. It's wonderful." Jan pointed her fork at Kirk. "You lost your chance, big guy. I am head over heels."
He
grinned, pleased to see her so happy, and with a good guy, an officer Kirk had
brought on board after Decker's head of security had opted to find a new
posting. "Cam's good
people."
"That
he is. But enough about me. Christine is mopey. But Spock's coming back tonight
right?"
Both
Kirk and Chris shook their heads.
"Well,
shit." She seemed to realize
she was eating most of the pie.
"Did you want some of this?"
"My
waistline says no."
"Nothing
wrong with your waistline, Captain.
Nothing at all." But
she happily pulled the plate closer to her.
"We're
alone, Jan. Call me Jim." Something he'd never told her she could
do before, but she was happy and with someone else, and he loved this sassy new
ease she had.
"Jim." She didn't seem overly impressed with
the informality, appeared too fixated on the pie. "I skipped lunch." She looked at Chris. "So why is Spock not coming
home?"
Chris
shrugged, her expression unhappy, so Jan stared at him with the look that used
to make him eat his salads and do his reports on time. "Jim?"
"Shuttle
problems."
She
made a disparaging sound. "Likely story." She seemed to catch his frown, turned to
Chris, and said, "I'm kidding.
Of course he wants to come home to you. He's missing you, I'm sure."
"Your
pep talks need so much work, Jan."
Jan
handed Kirk back the pie with a few pieces still left on it and stood. "Okay, you're here with Christine,
so I'm going to stop worrying about her.
But if the two of you want to join Cam and me, we'll be in the
lounge. There's a scotch
tasting."
Chris
looked at him. "You like
scotch."
"I
do indeed." He shrugged. "It's up to you."
Jan
stood and when he looked up, he caught her mouthing something to Chris while
pointing at him. Then she hurried
out.
"What
did she just say?"
Chris
laughed and shook her head.
"You don't want to know."
"I
do, actually. She's over me,
right?"
"Oh,
she's over you."
"Good." He smiled and tucked into what was left
of his pie. "I like the new
Jan."
"Me,
too."
"So
what did she say?"
"You're
not going to let it go, are you?"
"Nope." He gave her the grin that had been known
to bring alien warrior princesses to their knees. "And if we go to the tasting and
you get drunk, I'll worm it out of you."
"I
have antitox."
"You
always do. Just one of the many
reasons I'm happy Spock is with you. Now, what did Jan just say?"
She
sighed. "If you must know, it
was 'Dump Spock. Go for him.'"
He
laughed. "For me?"
She
nodded.
"She
doesn't know you very well."
Spock was everything to Chris, and Kirk knew it. "You're pretty much the 'long-haul'
girl. First Korby, now Spock."
"Actually
she does know me. Maybe I should
listen to her." She smiled, a
strange, very sad smile, but her tone was teasing. "I'm going to skip the
tasting. I have reports to finish
up."
"You're
allowed to have fun, Chris. Leave the
reports. I know the captain—I
can have a word with him." He
winked at her. "He won't bug
you about them."
"And
what about my boss?"
"I
know him, too." He stood up,
and took his plate to the recycler.
"Come with me.
Please?" He almost held
out his hand, decided that would be too much, would push her the wrong way.
She
finally shook her head in clear capitulation, stood, and took her plate to the
recycler. "What's the old
saying? You could sell ice to eskimos."
"I've
been told worse things."
##
Chapel
was mid shift when she heard familiar footsteps and looked up to see
Spock. He stood in the doorway of
her office, seeming unsure of his reception.
As
he should be. "Look who's
back."
"You
knew I would return."
"Is
that really the answer you're going to give after you couldn't be bothered to
let me know you were delayed?"
"I
told Jim. I knew he would tell
you. I was...occupied."
She
could feel her face turning red, hated that it did that when she was
angry. "What? You decided to buy the woman you fucked
for days dinner?"
Her
words came out too loud, and she was immediately sorry. He stepped into the room and hit the
button to close the door.
"I'm
sorry, Spock. Making a scene is the
last thing I want to do." She
turned back to her terminal.
"I'm glad you're home.
Go back to the bridge—or did you go there first?" Although she couldn't see him reporting
in only to leave immediately to come see her. Not that Jim would say no. Hell, Jim would probably give him the
whole day off if he thought Spock would use it with her, making up.
"I
have something for you." He
sat down. "I was occupied
finding these." He handed her
a small box.
She
opened it to find earrings, obviously expensive, and made of some kind of metal
twined together, a dark bronze and a lighter, more golden color. "For me?"
He
nodded. "I am late for your
birthday and early for Valentine's Day." He leaned in. "Do you not like them,
Christine? My mother thought they
would appeal to you."
Had
his mother said he should get them for her, too? Couldn't he have done it just because it
would have made her happy?
No,
she had to stop finding fault. He'd
tried. She reached over and took
his hand. "Thank you."
He
seemed to relax. Did he think she'd
forget he'd been with someone else because he'd finally given her a gift?
"Got
that out of the way, huh? Well,
don't get too comfortable."
Her tone was acid, and she flinched a little inside. She was mad at him, but she didn't need
to be a bitch about this.
He
was staring at her in obvious confusion—and possibly some hurt.
"We're
not okay yet, Spock, don't you get that?
I understand why you didn't want me with you. In theory. But the practical aspect of it is hard
for me to deal with. You were with
someone else. You should have been
with me. And I know it's illogical
for me to think both things. But
there you go: I'm illogical, I guess."
"I
have hurt you. I realize
that." He took a breath and it
wasn't terribly steady. He clutched
her hand in a way that let her know he was aware they were on shaky ground at
the moment. "Come to our
quarters after your shift. We need
to reconnect."
She
almost said, "Yes," almost let what happened go, the sincerity in his
voice making her weak. She forced herself
to ask again, "Why didn't you comm me?"
"I
did not know what to say, Christine.
When the Pon Farr was over, the priestess had
bruises on her cheek. She told me I
had been trying to find you in the meld.
Repeatedly. I know leaving
you here was logical, but I think also it may have been wrong." He let go of her hand.
She
thought he might be saying that for her benefit, not because he really believed
it. With his hormones so out of
whack, he was probably more emotional than when he'd left; he just might lie to
make her feel better. "I don't
know if it was wrong, Spock. I just
know you've hurt me." She handed
him the earrings. "Give these
to me again after shift. I'll put
them on. And I'll take everything
else off."
He
looked even more confused.
"That's
not a test or me kidding. I'm
trying to move forward." Even
if it felt like they were moving backwards. Even if she didn't think it would have
been this hard with the Spock she was first with, right after V'ger.
"You
are generous." He rose and
walked around, easing her up, pulling her close, almost painfully so. "I love you."
"I
know." That was the hell of it
all. She pushed that thought away,
felt herself melting into him, the way he touched her, his kiss. Everything she'd ever wanted.
But
not without its problems.
##
Spock
woke and reached for Christine, but she was not in bed. He turned and saw she had pulled a chair
closer to the viewport and was watching the star stream. "Are you all right?"
She
had been all right—or he had thought she was—when they'd been
making love earlier. He'd done as
she asked, had given her the earrings again, had even helped her put them on
and take everything else off.
She'd
seemed to welcome him, joined with him, the same as always. Albeit with perhaps a more concerted
effort to rake his back in the throes of passion, which he accepted as some
human need for payback. It was
illogical to seek reprisal if she accepted the wisdom of what he'd done, as she
claimed to do, but he would not point that out.
"Christine?" He sat up and she looked over at him,
her expression cold. She had her
robe on, and he felt suddenly exposed and pulled the covers over him.
"Was
she good?"
He
took a deep, steadying breath. This
conversation, which he suspected was inevitable, was laden with potential
minefields. "She was...a
professional."
"Meaning
what?"
"Meaning
it was emotionless."
"Well,
she's Vulcan, ergo..."
"Come
back to bed. We can talk
here."
She
laughed, but it was not a pleasant sound.
"I don't think so. I
lose my ability to be rational when you're touching me. Maybe you're counting on that?"
"Perhaps
it is not that at all. Perhaps I
have missed you. I want you to be
close to me. Not over there." He held his hand out. "Christine, please?"
"Was
she good, Spock?"
He
let his hand drop. "There is
no good or not good during the Pon Farr. There is only mindless rutting while the
fever burns and then exhaustion after.
Some part of me knew she was not you and was not pleased."
"Are
you saying you don't remember what she was like in bed?" Christine finally stood up and walked
over, but she stopped just shy of where he could touch her. "Did you pick her? From some kind of line-up? Available priestesses and all that? What did she look like? Was she blonde and wispy like Leila and Zarabeth?"
"She
was not. She had dark hair, as do
most Vulcans. She was attractive,
as are most Vulcan women. She
reminded me of no one. And I did
not choose her: the temple she serves at selected who would pair most
effectively with me." He
rolled over and stared at the ceiling.
"I cannot make this better for you, Christine. Are you not picking at scabs as the
saying goes?"
"This
is more than a scab, Spock. It's a
raw wound—sometimes you have to abrade the dead tissue for the wound to
heal."
Is
that what this was? Dead tissue
that would be rubbed off and vacuumed away, leaving healthy skin behind? Or would this always be between them?
He
noticed she no longer had the earrings in, and she seemed to realize where his
gaze was focused. "They hurt
to sleep in. I took them out."
He
felt a vague sense of dissatisfaction at them not being in her ears. "Do you like them?"
"They're
beautiful."
He
thought of the other things he had seen her wear; these were not similar and he
had noted that at the jeweler's, which is why his mother had suggested he get
them, to give her something different, something uniquely theirs. "That is not precisely what I
asked."
"They're
from you. They're a present from
you. Of course I like them."
He
could not read her expression and decided not to dig any further. He had tried; he had gone out of his
way. He preferred to think his gift
was appreciated.
Would
the roses he had ordered for Valentine's Day, following Jim's suggestion of
what color to get, please her more?
Did Jim know her better than Spock and his mother had?
"Christine,
I feel..." What? What was he going to tell her?
She
moved closer, sat down on the bed, perched, though, as if she would jump away
at any moment. "You feel
what?"
"Lost."
She
frowned. Clearly this was not the
answer she'd expected.
"Lost?"
He
nodded. "Before V'ger, my way was clear. I would purge my emotions. I would become the perfect Vulcan. After V'ger,
my way was also clear. I would
embrace my emotions. And you with
them. And I do not regret that. But..." He reached for her hand, needed her to
stay where she was, to hear him out here on their bed. "I am somewhere in between those
states now. I struggle to find
where I fit between the man who threw everything in his past away and the man
who thought emotion would be the answer he sought." He'd thought he could be like
Sybok. After V'ger,
when he'd tried to tell Jim what the machine was missing. "This simple feeling" applied
not just to how much he cared for Jim but how he saw his brother's path in a
new light.
"And
where do I fit in all this?"
"I
am not sure." He let go of her
hand and reached up to touch her face, was gratified when she did not pull
away. "I may not make you
happy, Christine. Some percentage
of the time, I may make you actively unhappy. I cannot be all there is for you."
She
jerked away. "Who says you
are?" She stood and began to
pace. "You think I have
nothing else in my life just because I have issues with you going off
unilaterally to Vulcan, with possibly no warning for me if I hadn't caught you
packing. You slept with another
woman. You didn't call to tell me
you'd be a day late after you slept with a goddamn other woman." She turned to stare at him, then pointed
her finger, thrusting it at him in a most damning way. "You think that you're all that I
have? I have a job here—not
the one I thought I'd have but still, it's a plum position, and I'm damned good
at it. I have friends. Hell, I have family here—this crew
has seen me through more than my own family ever has. And yes, now I have you, but you came to
me. I didn't chase you down. You seduced me."
She
turned to the door, walking in a way that told him she was trying to get out of
the room before she started to cry.
At the door, she turned.
"And the earrings? I
don't like them, Spock. They're not
me. They're beautiful and I'm sure
they'd look pretty on someone else, but they're not me. I don't even wear earrings most of the
time. You notice
everything—you couldn't remember that?"
And
then she was gone.
Spock
looked over at the nightstand on her side of the bed. The earrings were there; she'd placed
them carefully back in the box.
He
sighed, an indulgence but one he thought he'd earned. A part of him wanted to cancel the roses
he'd ordered, but he told himself to let that thought go. She was angry. She might be lying about not liking the
earrings.
Although
she was right. He had not seen her
wear earrings—or any jewelry—very often. His mother had been so sure she would
like them that he had not wanted to argue that some other type of gift would be
better. It was possible he was
trying to make something up to his mother as well; she had not been happy at
his decision to go to Gol.
He
knew Christine was not coming back to his bed so he got up, pulled on a robe,
lit his favorite incense and several firepots, and tried to meditate his way to
some modicum of inner peace.
He
failed, a not unexpected outcome.
## PART 2
Kirk
followed McCoy out into the corridor from sickbay. He smiled as they walked, hadn't missed
the dark red roses on Chris's desk.
Black Pearl. One of his favorites,
and he'd thought she'd like them, had been happy to help Spock out with his
first experience with this infernal holiday.
"Looks
like a flower shop had a going out of business sale," McCoy said, a sour
note in his voice. "Jim, my
friend, sometimes I think we are the only bachelors on this ship."
"I'm
pretty sure there are others, Bones.
Just not our year." He
clapped McCoy gently on the back, as if he didn't mind that it wasn't their
year.
When
was it ever his year? For all the
women he'd enjoyed, for the many more the rumor mill said he'd been with, he'd
had no luck with a relationship.
And before the ship, it wasn't like he hadn't tried.
"Even
Spock has a girlfriend," McCoy said.
"Although she doesn't seem very happy with him if her mood these
days is any indication."
"Those
were lovely roses I saw on her desk."
"Yep. And I heard her mutter something about
betting his mother picked them out, too.
You have any idea what she's talking about?"
Kirk
shook his head. What did Amanda have
to do with any of this?
"She's
being a little ungrateful, if you ask me.
I about fell off my chair when she said they were from Spock. At least the big lug is trying. Well, speak of the devil—Mister
Spock. May I commend you on your
choice of roses?"
"Thank
you, Doctor." Spock looked at
Kirk, as if worried he might blurt out the truth.
"Who
knew you were such a lady's man?"
McCoy narrowed his eyes.
"All these years watching me and Jim, I guess." He grinned like an old fool, his smile
even wider when Spock cocked his head to the side and let a rising eyebrow be
his answer.
"Can
I talk to you for a moment, Spock?"
Kirk looked at McCoy.
"Order me a scotch?"
"It'll
be waiting for you at the bar. I,
however, may not be there. I may
see an unattached female in dire need of a doctor."
Kirk
laughed, then waited for McCoy to get far enough away before he turned to
Spock, "So we haven't played chess lately. Obviously tonight is out, but tomorrow
maybe?" Normally he'd ask Spock
this in front of McCoy, but Spock had been...distant lately. Kirk wasn't sure how else to describe
the vibe he was getting from him.
"I
am working on an experiment that is in a critical stage. Perhaps when I am finished."
"That's
what you said last time, Spock. Are
we okay? Did I...did I do
something?"
"We
are fine, Jim. The state of my
experiment is not a reflection on the state of our friendship."
"You
know if experiment is a euphemism for spending time with Christine, you can
just say it. I don't blame you for
wanting time with her. Chess can
wait."
"It
is not a euphemism, Jim. And you
are right: chess can wait but my experiment cannot."
Kirk
frowned, tried to keep himself from wading in—this was none of his
goddamned business—but his mouth was flapping before his brain could get
it under control. "But not
tonight, right? You're spending
Valentine's night with Chris?"
"I
am." Spock sounded more
resigned than happy about that.
Kirk hoped to hell he mustered some enthusiasm before he met up with
her.
"Okay. Good."
"I
have not told you, but I appreciate that you looked out for Christine while I
was gone."
"I'm
your friend. And I'm her
friend. Just doing what friends
do. I care about you. Singular and together."
"I care about her, too, Jim. Even if I am not making her very happy
right now."
"That's
a choice, Spock." Although was
it? Couldn't Chris be
overreacting? Why was Kirk taking
her side in this?
Except
that he felt left out, too.
"No,
Jim. It is no more a choice than
the emotions I felt after V'ger. I was perhaps injudicious in pursuing
Christine before my emotions had leveled somewhat. Unfortunately, those same emotions were
driving me, and I was in no state to listen to logic."
"Unfortunately?"
Spock
actually sighed. "I do not
mean that I would not have pursued her if I had waited. But I would not constantly be compared
to some other—some aberrant—version of myself."
"Is
there any way I can cheer you up before you go see her? Please tell me you are not going to say
any of this to her on Valentine's Day."
"I
am hoping chocolates and sex will make conversation less critical."
Kirk
bit back dismay. What the hell was
their pillow talk like? Was there
any? No, Chris had said Spock was
good in bed. But what was she
judging against? Had Roger been
like Spock, not realizing that the best part of sex was to be found in the
repartee, in the dropping of barriers, in what you could learn about your
partner once you had buried yourself in her body? "I'm going to let you go,
Spock. Let me know when you're free
for chess, okay?"
"Of
course, Jim. And...thank you for
the help with the flowers. She
appeared to love them." He
sounded a bit off on the last part, but turned and walked away before Kirk
could ask why.
He
watched Spock all the way to the lift, hating how tentative he felt right now
with him. But he had him
back—it didn't matter how Kirk felt or how long it took Spock to get
through whatever he was getting through.
He was back. And Kirk had never
expected to see him again, much less have him back as his first
officer—as his friend.
He
resolved to forget about Spock and Chris and hurried to the lounge, found a
scotch sitting for him—neat fortunately, no ice to melt—but no sign
of McCoy.
Jan
was waiting at the bar for a refill.
"I may have told McCoy that Lieutenant Tau found him
attractive."
"It's
true. She did." Cam handed his glass to the bartender
for a refill. "Leonard was
very happy to pursue that opening."
"That's
Bones. Here's to him." He held out his glass and Jan and Cam
clinked theirs against his.
"So,
you're all alone," Jan said.
"Come sit with us."
"I'm
not going to horn in on your Valentine's Day."
Jan
looked at Cam, a rather naughty look on her face that made Kirk laugh, then she
said, "Jim, I got to tell you, he's already given me my present."
"Are
you wearing it?" Kirk asked, trying to figure out if her jewelry was new.
"Mmm hmmm. Just
not where you can see." She batted
her eyelashes at him, then laughed as he turned red. "I'm kidding. It's this." She held out her hand, shaking a very
pretty bracelet at him. "It's
perfect." She leaned up to
kiss Cam, a short kiss, nothing to make Kirk uncomfortable, like he really was
crashing their party.
"Now," she said, handing Cam her drink, then taking both of
them by the arms and leading them to a table, "do we need to worry about
Christine being alone? Because I
will go get her."
Kirk
smiled. "We do not."
"Well,
good." She sat and studied him.
"I saw her roses."
"They
were beautiful. Spock did
good."
"Did
he? Because I seem to remember
Black Pearl being what you had me send your grandma back in the day."
He
met her eyes. "Do not tell
Chris that. Let her think Spock
picked them out without help."
"I
did. I'm not going to make her sad,
Jim. Not when Spock's so damn adept
at doing that on all on his own."
She looked around the lounge.
"New subject. Can we
make fun of Decker's people?"
Kirk
bit back a laugh—he didn't think she was serious.
Cam
rolled his eyes. "You are one
of Decker's people."
"But
only because Jim recommended me."
She made a face. "Fine,
we'll talk about something else."
##
Chapel
waited for Spock in his quarters, dozing in a chair until she finally had to
either get up or fall asleep for real.
Pushing herself up, she said, "Computer, location of Commander
Spock?" As she waited for the
answer, the smell of the roses Spock had given her wafted to her. A week after Valentine's Day they were
nearly spent, but she hated to throw them away. They were a red so dark they were almost
burgundy, and she absolutely loved them.
"Commander
Spock is in Science Lab Four."
Frowning,
Chapel made her way to the lab, walking in as if she had a purpose in case
anyone else was there, but Spock was alone. "Hey, I missed you tonight."
He
looked up, his expression lightening.
"My experiment is at a critical stage. Did I not mention that this
morning?"
"Possibly
when I was in the shower. I've told
you I can't hear you when I'm I there."
He
nodded, as if just remembering that she had, in fact, said that. A Vulcan would no doubt be able to hear
him.
"I've
been thinking." She sat down
on the stool opposite him.
He
pushed his padd away and gave her his attention.
"I'm
a scientist, Spock. We could do
this...together. Not obviously the
one you're working on right now—I know how annoying it is to have someone
step in midstream. But something
new. Something that's just
ours."
"We
could do that."
She
waited, unsure if he was going to follow that with a "but" or if he
was agreeing. Finally she said,
"When your experiment is out of the critical phase, we could start on
ours."
He
looked down, and she heard him take the kind of breath he always did just
before he had to tell her something he didn't think she was going to like.
"What? What's wrong with my suggestion?"
"There
is nothing wrong with it, Christine.
It is a very good suggestion.
But...for later." He
leaned in, his expression not the one he wore when he was planning on
bullshitting her. "As you
know, I am an introvert."
"Uh,
yeah." So was she, but he made
her look like a flaming extrovert.
"So? We'll reserve the
lab. I know you can do
that—that you have done it."
"I
have done it now, in fact. It is
why no one else is in the lab."
He took her hand.
"After Gol, I have felt the need for private time even more than
was my norm. On duty, I am at the
beck and call of whomever needs me.
And you and I spend a great deal of time together. In small quarters."
She
didn't like where this was going.
"So you don't want to spend any more time than that with
me—is that what you're saying?"
"I
am saying that this time in the lab is my private time. The only time I truly relax."
"Oh." He wasn't relaxed with her?
"In
time, I may not need this solitude to the extent I do now."
"So
as you grow increasingly colder emotionally, I can look forward to spending
more time with you? Yay." Her voice was as sarcastic as she could
get it.
"In
what way have I grown colder? I
have made every effort with you."
"You've
grown colder since V'ger wore off" she said,
knowing it was stupid, knowing it made her sound idiotic, especially after the
earrings, even if she didn't like them, and after the roses.
"You
knew it was likely that the highly emotional state the meld with V'ger left me with would not last. I told you I did not think it
would. Why are you blaming me for
something that we both accepted as highly likely?"
"Because
I'm a stupid, human woman. One who
wants to spend time with you outside of the bedroom. And science is something we share. I thought..." She took a deep breath, hated how ragged
it sounded. Standing slowly, she
said, "I'm sorry. What you say
makes sense. I just don't like it
much. But...I'll learn to live with
it."
"Christine..."
She
turned and hurried out of the lab before he could call her back. She considered going to her quarters,
but she'd put him back on the access list and didn't want to deal with him on
the very unlikely chance that he'd come looking for her. She headed for the lounge, made a
beeline for the bar, ordered a vodka tonic and then threw it back.
"Okay,
step away from the hard stuff."
Jan put her arm around her.
"I know a breakdown about to happen when I see it. Why is it about to happen here?"
Chapel
shook her head, not wanting Jan to be right, but knowing she would be if she
tried to talk about Spock.
"My
friend will have another of those, in a tall glass with very little vodka and a
whole lot of tonic, got it?"
The
crewman acting as bartender nodded and handed it to Jan.
"Come
on, Christine." Her grip was
like iron.
"You're
having a fun evening. I don't want
to—"
"Shut
up." She led her to the upper level,
where Chapel saw Cam and Jim sitting.
"I found a lost little lamb and brought her home." Jan plunked Chapel down next to Jim and
handed her the drink.
Chapel
sipped desperately.
"Whoa
there," Jim said softly.
"You okay?"
"She
is not okay, Jim, and we are not going to rehash. We are going to divert."
Chapel
laughed at Jan's tone, a tone she'd have never used before with the man she'd
been so infatuated with.
"Ooh,
she can laugh. Okay, boys. Cough up some of those funny stories
from when you served together."
Jim
reached around Chapel, his hand settling on her shoulder, giving a quick
squeeze to her arm, then he let go.
She wanted to put her head on his shoulder, to tell him how his best
friend didn't want to spend time with her outside of what he already got from
her.
"Yes,"
she said instead. "Something
funny, please."
Cam
leaned forward, his dark eyes gleaming, and Chapel thought he might be blushing
although his skin was dark enough to mostly hide embarrassment. "Has our esteemed captain ever told
you about the time, when he was head of Fleet Operations and I was his security
chief, that we somehow introduced ourselves as married during a routine
meet-and-greet with the delegation from Linarbrius?"
"Married
to each other?"
Jim
laughed, a slow, breathy chuckle, his shoulders shaking. "The automatic translators hadn't
quite mastered the Linarbriut language. I said it right but it was lost in
translation, turned into Admiral Kirk, Head of Starfleet Food Preparation and
my chief spouse, Commander Cameron Ballard."
"Chief
of security, chief spouse, they're so similar. I guess if I was your chief spouse that
sort of assumes you had others.
Never occurred to me till now.
I think I'm jealous."
Cam was laughing. "You
would not believe the questions I got asked about the notorious James T.
Kirk. 'How is he in bed?' was the
most popular. The Linarbriuts have no filters."
"So
what did you tell them?" Jim asked with a wink.
"That
I would never kiss and tell." Cam
leaned back, put his arm around Jan, and pulled her in closer than she was
already sitting. "Right?"
"Right." She had her hand on his leg, near his
knee, not up higher where it would have been in poor taste. They looked so...together.
Chapel
didn't think she and Spock would ever look like that.
She
put her drink down, said softly, "This is fun, really. But...I've got to call it a
night." She met Jan's
eyes. "I'm sorry."
Jan
frowned and looked like she was going to get up.
"Sit. With him. Just like that." She grinned at Jan and Cam. "I love seeing you two
happy." She glanced at Jim. "Goodnight."
And
then she fled.
Jim
caught her at the lift.
"What's wrong?"
"Go
back in there, Jim. Go back and
enjoy the two of them. They are so
cute together."
"They
are. I agree." He eased her gently away from the
opening lift. "Let's
walk."
"I
just want to be alone." Only
she hadn't wanted that. She'd
wanted to be with Spock.
"What
did he do?"
"How
do you know it was him?"
"It's
always him these days, isn't it?"
"He's
your best friend. I'm not going to
talk—"
"Did
you see him in there, Chris? Did
you? You were in there. Cam
and Jan were in there. Hell,
everyone and their dog has been in there tonight. Spock has not. So tell me what he did to upset
you."
"He
says he needs extra time alone right now.
To decompress or something.
After Gol, the transition.
It's not personal, Jim."
Shit, why was she making excuses for him?
"Oh,
is that why he's never around after shift?
I thought it was you occupying his time in salacious ways."
She
looked away. "Later, when it's
time to go to bed, it'll be me he wants.
But there's this time in between where I guess I'm persona non grata. It wasn't that way at first, when we started,
he seemed to just...want to be with me all the time. It was still new—I was still
interesting." She sighed. This was getting them nowhere. "I didn't realize you might be
feeling left out too."
"Well,
I am. He and I haven't played chess
in a long time."
"Well,
he's not playing chess with anyone else as far as I can tell. His 'me time' is our great rival."
He
seemed to process that, then his expression changed. It wasn't one she was used to seeing on
his face when it came to Spock. It
looked a lot like "Well, fuck him, then."
"Jim,
he'll come back to you."
"Uh
huh. How about, for now, you and I
go back to the lounge instead of standing out here waiting for him? Cam has better stories than the one he
told." He surprised her by
pulling her close. "And I want
to dance. That'd be okay,
right? You're my best friend's
girl. Safe."
She
nodded. "Safe."
He
took her hand, lifted it up as he slipped his hand around her waist, and began
to move her around the corridor.
"Don't make me hum. It'll
destroy the mood."
"My
mood is pretty shitty so hum away."
But she put her hand on his shoulder and let him lead them around the
floor. "Fine, we can
dance—but in the lounge, where we won't look so weird if anyone catches
us."
He
let go of her, and they headed back toward the lounge. As they got to the door, as she
hesitated for a moment, not sure her mood was up to this, he put his hand on
her lower back, pushing gently.
"Fortune favors the bold."
"Yeah,
but a good cry can work wonders."
"Cry
later. Come with me. We can dance. Cam and Jan are."
She
let him lead her to the dance floor, smiled at Jan as they passed her and
Cam. Jan gave her a nod that looked
way too approving. Chapel rolled
her eyes: it was just a dance. Jim
liked to dance, and Chapel was a nice, safe partner.
Everyone
knew she loved Spock.
She
buried her face in Jim's neck, heard him say, "He's an idiot, Chris."
"No,
he's not. He's just being
himself. What did I expect?"
##
Spock
walked into his darkened quarters, calling softly for lights at ten
percent. He saw Christine asleep in
their bed, so he walked carefully to the closet, about to take off his uniform
when he smelled Jim's cologne. He
stopped and tried to figure out where it was coming from. When he pulled out the shirt Christine
had been wearing, the smell intensified.
A human might not have noticed.
He
turned to look at her. He did not
think she would have come back to his bed if she were sleeping with Jim. Moreover, he had trouble envisioning a
scenario where her shirt stayed on long enough to smell this strongly of Jim if
they were engaged in an affair.
He
walked over to her, kissed her until she stirred, and while she was still half
asleep, said gently, "Your shirt smells of Jim's cologne."
"That's
because we were dancing. I'm safe.
His best friend's girl." She
opened her eyes, not seeming to hide anything from him. "Are you mad?"
"I
am not." But he felt
something—not jealousy, exactly, but...resignation almost. If he would not be with her, did he
expect her to be alone? He had told
her that he could not be the only thing in her life, and it seemed he was
not. "You enjoy dancing with
him?"
"It's
nice. I'd rather dance with
you." She smiled in a way that
clearly said she knew the idea was ridiculous.
"I
do not dance."
"Hence
the dancing with him." She
sighed slowly, and her expression was difficult for him to read. "Are we going to fight?"
"No. We are not."
"Good."
She pulled him down for another kiss.
"I love my flowers. Ny said
I could dry them. Make potpourri or
something. More stinky stuff in
here." She laughed softly,
kissing his neck and up to his ear.
"They were the perfect color.
You did good. Or did your
mom—the rose goddess—help you?"
"Jim
helped me. He thought this color
would make you happy." He had
not planned to tell her this. But
somehow, with Jim's scent wafting up from her hair, he could not stop himself. Let her know the truth: as Spock had suspected would be the
case, Jim had picked a more appropriate present for her than Spock and his
mother had.
"I
didn't realize." She looked
unsure, not displeased, exactly, but off balance.
"You
did tell me to ask him for help when you first brought up Valentine's
Day."
"I
did, didn't I?"
He
nodded.
She
reached down, touching him the way that aroused him the most, his body
responding to her as it always did.
If this were all that mattered, they would never have a problem.
"You're
overdressed," she murmured.
He
remedied that immediately.
##
Kirk
leaned back against the transporter room wall, watching as Jan beamed in the
last of the landing parties. It was
tricky—atmospheric eddies were playing havoc with their sensors—but
she was having no problems, and he did not jump in to take over the way he had when
he'd first stolen the ship from Decker.
It
still haunted him: would Sonak and the other officer
still be alive if he had let Rand handle it? She'd trained on the refitted
transporters. Things might have
been different.
"Yo, Earth to Captain."
He
looked around the room, saw that the last landing party had cleared and it was
just Jan and he left in the room.
She
grinned. "You were deep in
thought. And I know this isn't
Earth, but I love that saying."
She turned back to the station, ran another check. "Everyone's back home, sir."
"Have
I ever said I'm sorry?"
"For
what?" She shot him a glance
he couldn't read. "Because if
it's for not returning my affections, I think we're long past any need for an
apology. I owe you for introducing
me to Cam."
"I
knew you'd be his type."
She
nodded. "And I'm not your
type." She held up a hand when
he was about to say something.
"Don't protest. I know
I'm not. You like brainy
girls. Lawyers and scientists. Like...Christine." Before he could say anything to that,
she laughed. "Sorry, I'm all
over the place. What did you need
to apologize for?
"For
taking over that day, when we lost Sonak."
"Oh. No, you haven't apologized for
that." She met his eyes, and
he was struck again by how ballsy she'd become. Not having a crush on him made her a lot
more fun to be around. "Are
you doing that now? Or just
wondering if you had?"
He
laughed. "I'm doing it. I'm sorry. I should have let you handle it. I was not...at my best."
"It's
okay. You weren't the only one who
wasn't at his best."
He
frowned. "Who else?"
She
made a face at him like "You really need to ask?" When he shrugged, she said,
"Spock. I mean he's more
himself now, but back then, after V'ger, he was uber emotional.
Not in control. Not like he
is now." She narrowed her
eyes. "I call it like I see
it, Jim. You disagree?"
"No. You're right. He was quite emotional after V'ger."
"Yeah. I wish he'd waited..."
"Waited?"
"To
go after Christine. I'm worried
about her. She wanted him for so
long and she got him. And he was at
his best, you know? I mean because
I think he really let her in. And
now...now he's more like he was. I
don't think she's happy. Not from
what I've seen. Not from what she's
said."
"Why
are you telling me this?"
"She's
your friend. She's our friend. And I think you like her."
"I...I
don't. Not that way. Not..." He folded his arms over his chest.
"I'm
not trying to cause trouble.
Jeez. Relax." She turned to face him, leaning against
the transporter console. "I
think he loves her. I really
do. But I don't think he can make
her happy. She's been alone so
long, and then she nearly killed herself trying to finish med school in record
time, and she needs to have fun.
And I don't care how good he may be in bed, she is not having fun most
of the time."
"She
has fun with us. As our
friend."
"When
it's the four of us? Me and Cam,
you and her? Yeah, she has
fun. Because we're fun—and you're fun. She has fun when she's with you."
He
fidgeted, suddenly uncomfortable.
She
reached out and touched his arm.
"I'm sorry. Forget I
said anything."
"But
you're worried about her—about them?"
"I
am. And I think you are,
too." She waved him away. "Go. Don't you have captainly
things to do?"
He
did, so he left her alone, rode the lift up to the bridge, relieved Spock, and
watched him as he walked to the science station.
Would
he even care if Christine left him?
What
the hell kind of question was that?
Kirk forced his mind on other things, like finishing the reports Command
would soon be asking for.
##
Chapel
sat with Jan in her office, enjoying a more private lunch than they'd have had
in the crowded mess.
"I
miss Ny," Jan said. "Have
you talked to her?"
Chapel
nodded. "Leadership vids are
not her thing, let along a month-long class. I think Jim thought he was doing her a
favor."
"The
class is for high flyers."
"I
know. But tell that to her. She said if she had to sit through one
more lecture she was going to scream."
"Yeah,
boo hoo for her.
Maybe she'll meet a nice guy."
"A
nice guy who is not on this ship.
That won't be so nice. I've
done the long distance thing. It's
not fun."
"Frankly
your current close-up thing doesn't look that fun."
Chapel
rolled her eyes. "When are you
going to give him a break?"
"When
are you going to quit making excuses for him?" Jan leaned forward, a look of deep
concern on her face. "Look, I
don't have anything against Spock.
I'm sure he has some...very interesting qualities." Her face changed in a way Chapel
couldn't read. "But you had a
Spock who could actually express himself when this relationship started. And now that the V'ger
effects have worn off, you seem unhappy all the time. You're going backwards."
"And
where do you want me to go?"
"Well,
as a point of destination, Jim comes to mind."
Christine
laughed. "Right, because you'd
be all right with that?"
"Why
wouldn't I be? I'm long over
him. I love Cam. But I love you, too. I want you to be happy. And okay, maybe I'm selfish, but I love
it when it's the four of us. It's a
blast. Cam and Jim are
friends. We like each other. No...Vulcan sensibilities to keep in
mind—as if Spock ever deigns to join you in the lounge."
"He
would if I asked." He'd hate
every minute of it, but if she really wanted him to come with her, she was
pretty sure he'd come.
"Why
should you have to ask? You need a
man like Jim. He's already kinder
to you than Spock is."
"Spock
isn't unkind. And, Jan, even if I
liked Jim that way, he has his rules.
My God, don't you think I saw what you went through?"
"I
worked directly for him. You
don't. You're independent. And while good legs and a killer smile
might land him for shore leave if I was lucky, his long-haul women have always
been scientists."
"Or
lawyers."
Jan
laughed. "See, you did listen
to me go on and on, didn't you?"
"And
you listened to me."
Jan
sighed. "You're my best
friend. I love Ny, but she doesn't
understand me like you do."
Jan stood. "Do you
remember when the captain was split into two people? When the evil one nearly raped me?"
"I
do."
"You
stayed with me that night. So I
could sleep and not be afraid. You
stayed awake all night and watched over me. I woke up and you were working at my
desk and I felt so safe. I don't
know if you realize it, but that meant the world to me. Not everyone was quite so
understanding."
"Do
you mean Ny?"
"Not
her. And it doesn't matter who I
mean. I don't forget, that's all
I'm saying. You had my back then
and I have yours now. And I think
you and Spock are imploding. You
can let it be a slow end if that's what lets you sleep at night. That's up to you. But face facts, Christine. You had the man you wanted, right after V'ger, and now you have the real Spock. And they're two different people. Maybe if you'd never had the emotional
one, this Spock would be okay. But
you did have him. So it's
not."
Hearing
it said out loud, in such a matter-of-fact way, felt like a relief. Chapel didn't have to say it. Didn't have to think it. But she still felt the need to defend
him. "He's going through
something. I'm not sure the man
I've got right now is the real Spock."
"So
is he going to get better? Or is
the guy who went to Gol coming back?
Because clearly his desire for you was one of the things he was leaving
behind."
"I
have to believe it's going to get better."
"You
love with such devotion. Just like
Roger, in till the bitter end. Only
you fell for Spock and probably didn't even realize it until that virus made
you confront him."
Chapel
could feel herself blushing. She
hated thinking of that time.
Jan
tossed her lunch tray in the recycler and walked to the door. She turned around before it opened. "What's it going to take for you to
realize you're falling for Jim Kirk?"
Then
she was gone.
The
door slid shut, and Chapel laughed.
Jan was being ridiculous.
She was not falling for Jim.
Just because everything else she'd said was on target did not mean she
was right about that.
##
Spock
sat back in his seat as Jim announced shore leave while the ship underwent
slight modifications at the spaceport at Hydra V. Vulcan was very close. With a fast shuttle, he and Christine
could be on the planet in a few hours.
Jim
finished his announcement and walked over to him. "Big plans? You look like you're cooking up a
scheme." He grinned.
"I
would like to go home. With
Christine, of course."
"Of
course." Jim looked a little
surprised even if he'd agreed with Spock.
"Does she know?"
"I
will tell her. We had so little
notification of the modifications that I have not had time to formulate a plan
until now."
"May
I make a suggestion?"
"Yes,
of course."
"How
about if the two of you formulate the plan? You doing it by yourself is a sure way
to tick her off."
Spock
felt the stubbornness he used to feel with his father fill him. Why did Jim think he knew better than
Spock? This was an excellent plan,
and Christine would concur.
Jim
held up his hands, his look one of frustration. "You know what? She's your girl, Spock. You'll figure it out." He turned
away.
"Yes,
she is mine," Spock said as softly as he could and still have Jim hear it.
He
saw Jim stiffen, then turn to look at him, eyes narrowed, none of his usual
lightness. He stepped closer. "Something you want to say?"
"I
believe I just did, Jim."
"I'm
going to forget we've had this whole conversation." He turned and walked quickly away,
sitting down hard in his chair, causing several on the bridge team to look over
at him.
Spock
felt disappointment fill him, but he wasn't sure if it was with himself or with
Jim. He found a shuttle leaving at
a time that would be convenient and booked two tickets. Then he sent Christine a message. "I have secured passage for us to
Vulcan. My parents will be
gratified to see you."
"Is
there a reason I wasn't included in this decision?" was all that came
back.
Spock
closed the message and walked to Jim's seat. "I will be back shortly."
"Fine."
He
decided to ignore the curt tone of Jim's monosyllabic response and headed to
sickbay. Christine was in her
office, his message no longer up on her screen; she was working on a report.
"I
told you I don't know where it is, Len."
"It
is I."
She
turned around, clearly surprised.
"Oh." She leaned
back and stared at him. "Why
are we going to Vulcan?"
He
shut the door behind him before saying, "Because that is my home. You relate well to my parents. They were not pleased at your absence
during my Pon Farr."
"Yeah,
I get all that. And I love your
parents, if you must know. I saw
them quite a bit while you were at Gol."
He
could feel his eyebrow rising. He
had not realized she had grown closer to them.
"Sarek
wasn't happy you went to Gol. Did
you know that?"
"I
believe he found my reasoning for going to be...specious."
She
crossed her arms over her chest.
"I can't speak to that.
I just know he wasn't happy.
And your mother was crushed."
"I
realize she was unhappy. And our
visit will alleviate any lingering unhappiness with me. She wants to see us together."
"So
this is about you? Making things
better for you?"
He
was unsure what to say. He was
proud of her. He wanted to take her
home, as his partner, as his mate—or nearly one. He knew this was an important rite of
passage for human couples. Why was
she not more enthusiastic?
"Hydra
V is a paradise, Spock.
Beaches. Mountains. The local version of coffee and
chocolate and so many things. I've
never had a chance to spend any time here.
All our friends will be there.
I want us to spend our shore leave here. With them. We can see your parents any time."
"I
cannot please you. I try and you
refuse to be pleased."
"You
didn't even ask me. You just booked
tickets. So I could go to some hot
as hell world where I'll have trouble breathing, and the food is too spicy, and
it's all vegetarian, and we'll all talk around the fact that the last time you
were home it was to fuck someone else.
But hey, you love me, isn't that great, Mom and Dad?"
He
could feel a dull anger filling him.
Not the killing rage of the Pon Farr. This was the kind of anger
that...hurt. He was hurt. And so tired of this.
Would
he never measure up? Would he never
have atoned? To his father? To Christine? To Jim? It seemed that only his mother had really
forgiven him for going to Gol.
"I
do not wish to go to Hydra V."
"Fine,
then you go to Vulcan and I'll stay here."
"With
Jim?"
She
turned around very slowly, an incredulous look on her face. "What?"
"You
are happier when you come back from being with him than you have ever been with
me."
"That's
not true. When we started, when you
allowed the emotions V'ger kicked loose in you to have
free rein, I was happy."
"But
I was not at my best. I
was...compromised."
"You
were happy. Is being happy the same
as being compromised?" She got
up and moved closer. "Do you
wish you hadn't come to my quarters that night? When you seduced me? When you made me feel everything I'd ever
wanted to feel from you? When you
told me you loved me?"
"I
do not regret having you. I regret
that I did not wait until the extreme emotions had passed."
"I
think it's very possible your need for me would have passed, too."
"I
do not know if that is true."
He could feel the conversation rapidly falling out of his control. "I know that I need you to come to
Vulcan."
She
wiped tears from her eyes.
"No."
"Christine,
if you do not come with me, if you choose a crew party on a world designed to
entice travelers, with little substance and even less meaning over coming home
with me, then I do not know what our future will be."
"Or
if we'll have one?" She dashed
tears off her cheeks. She looked
miserable; he wanted to go to her, to hold her and kiss the tears away.
He
stayed where he was.
"Exactly." He
could see she was not going to bend, so he decided to try another tack. "If I had discussed this with you,
would your answer be different?"
He should have listened to Jim.
He should have put his...jealousy—yes, it was jealousy—aside
and listened to him. Jim understood
Christine. And he wanted the best
for Spock.
She
leaned back on her desk and shrugged.
"I donÕt know. I'm
embarrassed to show up there, Spock.
I'm the woman you were afraid you were going to bond with. That's not a good role to play."
She
was crying again, and this time he did go to her and wiped her tears away
gently. "I love you."
"You
say that so rarely. In those words:
that you love me." She took
his hands and squeezed them gently.
"I'll always love you.
But I want the Spock back that couldn't wait to spend time with me. I'm lonely, Spock. I'm freezing to death in your too warm
room."
A
room that was now much colder than he was comfortable with, but he'd lowered
the temperature to please her. Not
enough, though. Nothing he did was
ever enough. "I cannot be that
man, Christine. But do you remember
when you first told me that you loved me?
That you loved the human Spock and the Vulcan one? Do you? Because if you do, then you'll accept
that the man I was after the meld with V'ger was an
illusion. You're a scientist. Use logic, Christine. Please?"
She
pulled him down for a deep, desperate kiss, and he held onto her tightly until
she eased away. "I can't be
logical anymore, Spock. You go to
Vulcan and I'll stay here. I think apart
is the way we should be." She
touched his cheek, her tears starting again, her sobs making it hard for him to
understand her when she said, "It's over."
He
sat in the chair, and she stroked his hair, the way his mother used to when he
was a boy and especially troubled.
"We are...over?"
"We
are. I'll get my things out of your
quarters while you're on Vulcan."
"Christine,
I do not believe it has to be this way."
"I
do."
He
looked up. Despite the fact that
she was crying, her expression was unflinching.
They
were over.
##
Kirk
and McCoy had commandeered lounge chairs and had them sitting in the surf at
the best beach on Hydra V. Kirk was
trying to decide whether to go swimming or just doze when he saw Chris walking
slowly toward the beach.
Jan
saw her, too, and she got up from where she was lying on a big blanket with Cam
and hurried over. She and Chris
talked a moment, then Kirk saw Jan making some hand signals that looked like
the ones they used to have for their inter-ship baseball league. Only it was the sign for "Steal
home." Since that made no
sense, and Chris looked upset, he decided Jan was trying to get him to come
over.
He
started to get up, was shocked to feel McCoy's hand on him. "What?"
"Jim,
think about what you're doing."
McCoy dropped his hand and glanced over at Chris. "I know I didn't give her
relationship with Spock much of a shelf-life, but you getting involved isn't
going to help."
"I'm
already involved, Bones. And she's
my friend." He didn't wait to
see McCoy's expression, just hurried over to Jan and Chris.
Chris
was a mess. Her makeup was smeared,
even though it looked like she'd cleaned some of it up. She was in civvies but had no beach bag
with her, and he doubted she had a swimsuit on under her clothes.
"She
broke up with Spock. She doesn't
want to stay. Talk to her and
change her mind." Jan pushed
them closer together and got them going down the boardwalk away from everyone
else.
Once
they were out of sight of the beach, he stopped her with a gentle touch. "Are you okay?"
"No." She started to cry and he pulled her in
close, stroking her hair and back, murmuring, "It's all right. It's going to be all right."
She
seemed to be holding on for dear life.
Then she let go and began to wipe her eyes, only making the smears
worse.
"Here,
let me."
As
he worked, she said, "He's going to be mad at me for a while, I
think. You may want to put me on
beta or gamma shift before he can do it."
"If
it's all the same to you, I'll keep you on alpha. I'll just make sure you aren't on any
landing parties with him until this all calms down. And it will, right? You're two smart adults." He really wanted her to show him she
could handle this. He did not want
to move her to a different shift.
She
nodded. "I'll be an
adult."
He
turned her so they were walking again, was going to drop his arm from round her
shoulder but she reached up, holding him in place.
He
let it sit there, enjoying the feeling of being this close to her in a way that
wasn't completely safe. "So
what was the last straw?"
"Yet
another unilateral decision. One
that I think had very little to do with me. It wasn't really that big a deal but it
made me mad and I...lost it."
"The
last straws rarely are big."
He sighed. "For what
it's worth, I told him to make his shore leave plans with you, not for
you."
She
laughed, and it was an odd laugh that he couldn't quite read. "You know he's a little bit jealous
of you, right? He thinks
we're—"
"Having
an affair?"
"Worse. You make me happy."
"Oh,
well, that's all right. You deserve
to be happy and it doesn't take much work."
She
let go of his hand and he was torn.
He liked the feel of her close to him, but she'd just broken up with
Spock. He dropped his arm. It took him a few steps to realize that
his rules about not sleeping with crew didn't seem to be a consideration.
Could
he break those rules? She was
medical. Plenty of captains and
first officers fished from that pond.
"Penny
for your thoughts?" he finally asked.
"I
was thinking how much I love the roses you picked out for me." She stopped walking. "And I was thinking how I'm going
to go up to the ship. It's hot and
I'm not dressed for the beach."
He
had a feeling if she went back to the ship, they'd lose her, possibly for the
rest of shore leave. "I have a
better idea." He turned them
back toward the beach, then led her to a store he'd seen as they walked down
from the beam-in site. "I have
credits up the yin yang. Go
nuts."
"Jim,
I can't let you. I know you don't
have a discretionary budget for this."
"Well,
it's discretionary in the sense that I decide how to use it." He grinned. "Look, in case you haven't noticed,
Jan has grown a monster pair of balls since she served under me last. I, for one, do not want to tell her that
I let you go hide out in your quarters."
She
laughed. "She'd be very mad at
you."
"My
point exactly. And she'd tell me
about it in no uncertain terms. And
Cam would just laugh—or possibly join in."
"Well,
we can't have that." She
almost sounded happy, and he smiled. "Fine. I haven't been swimming in
forever."
"The
water is perfect. The sand is
amazing. And we'll have fun. Doesn't that sound like a good
idea?"
"It
does. But I reserve the right to
cry."
He
rubbed her back. "I know you
loved him. That you have for such a
long time. It's not something you
just get over. And being the one to
make the break doesnÕt mean it's easier to forget the other person. Sometimes I think it's harder."
"I
think you're right. Thank you, Jim.
For making me do this. I really
just wanted to go hide."
"You
hiding when we're here on this gorgeous world? It's criminal. Now, how about wearing this?" He held up a very abbreviated bikini and
put on a hopeful face so silly he knew she wouldn't take him too seriously.
She
rolled her eyes, but she laughed and, most importantly, began to peruse the
racks for other options.
##
Chapel
palmed open Spock's quarters, an empty carryall slung over her shoulder. She felt good, her hair was full of salt
and she'd gotten some sun down on Vega V.
She was meeting Jan and Cam and Jim tomorrow morning for a hike. She'd begged off dinner on the beach,
wanting to get her stuff moved out of Spock's quarters.
He
was sitting at his desk when she walked in. She stopped and he looked over at her,
the expression on his face one of anticipation—did he think she was going
to be mean? Then it changed to
something more helpless.
"I
thought you were going to Vulcan."
"I
decided my parents would have too many questions for me. I did not want to face that. I will tell them we are not together
later." He stood and took the
carryall from her. "I will
help you. I do not want to make this
harder. Despite our
new...circumstances, we will have to work together. We should start now."
She
felt a lump in her throat as they moved around his room, packing up her
things—more than she thought she'd have—into the bag. They got to the nightstand she used, and
he let her clear that on her own.
The box with the earrings was in the top drawer and she held it, unsure
what to do with it.
"I
know that you do not like them. You
rarely wear jewelry. I am unsure
why I thought they would please you."
He sat down on the bed next to her.
"My mother loved them."
"And
you've said she didn't want you to go to Gol."
"Yes. I think I thought I could please you
both by taking her advice on what to get you."
"That's
not a bad thing." She put the
box back in the drawer and shut it.
"If she loves them, why not give them to her? Tell her about this conversation. The realization you had that you wanted
to please her. It might make her
happy." Or Chapel realized she
might be doing exactly what Amanda had when she'd urged him to get the things
in the first place.
She
sighed, looked around the room, and zipped up the bag. "I guess that's everything."
She
should get up, should walk to the door and leave this too-hot room that smelled
of incense and spices and...Spock.
She turned and hugged him tightly, and he put his arms around her,
holding her just as tightly. She
didn't want to cry—didn't want to do that to him—but she couldn't
hold back the tears, and he stroked her hair and her back, murmuring that it
was all right.
"It's
not all right." She stroked
his cheek; a few months ago, she would have given anything to be able to do
this and now she was walking away.
"Some part of me will always love you." It was the truth and maybe shouldn't be
said, but it was the only gift she could think to give him.
And
then they were kissing and ripping off each other's clothes, and they were
together, again, their kisses desperate at first, until they found their old
rhythm, their bodies not ready to say goodbye, even if they'd been so logical
about parting otherwise.
"You
smell of salt," he said as they lay quietly afterward, pressed tightly
together. "Did you enjoy
yourself on the planet?"
"I
did." She kissed his chest,
then rested her head against it.
"Were
you with Jim?"
"I
was. And Jan and Cam. Len was there." She moved back so she could see his
eyes. "I wasn't doing this
with Jim."
"But
you may."
She
wasn't sure how to answer.
"It
is all right, Christine. Whatever
happens, happens." He brushed
her hair off her face. "I am
glad we had this chance to say goodbye.
Properly."
She
knew he had chosen to say "glad" for her. His gift to her. "Me, too."
"If
this were all there was, we would be fine." He kissed her softly, then pulled her
close.
"Yes,"
she said as she felt him let go of her, as he rolled away and let her up. "If this were all there was, we
would be wonderful."
##
Spock
followed behind Kirk as the landing party made their way to the beam-out
point.
McCoy
moved up to join him. "Nice
planet."
"Indeed. Most pleasant." Although to be truthful, Spock found it
unremarkable. But everything at the
moment seemed that way. He missed
Christine and did not enjoy the feelings missing her brought. But he could not turn his emotions off,
and he could not change enough to make reconciliation a logical option. His mother would no doubt say he would
simply have to ride out the storm.
A
most unsatisfying prescription.
"I
guess I'll be on more of these landing parties. You used to ask for
Christine."
Spock
nearly frowned. Was McCoy probing?
Did Christine not tell him they were no longer together? Perhaps she was not confiding in him any
longer—although to be fair, Spock was not sure she'd ever done so. "The captain selected the complement
for the landing party."
"Oh,
so he's the one who hasn't been picking me, then?" McCoy laughed softly. "You know he shanghaied me back
here, and I barely see him. He says
he needs me but it's not like it was."
"We
both deserted him, Doctor. It would
be human of him not to trust us entirely, not yet at any rate."
"He
has no problem trusting Ballard.
Who is that guy? He wasn't
on the Enterprise before, was
he?"
"No. He was the head of security for Nogura
and Jim's staffs."
"Hmmm. Nice enough guy and it's clear he makes
Janice happy, which is great."
McCoy actually kicked the dirt like some small human boy. "Ah, hell, why am I yammering
on? If Jim wants to take his time
letting us back in, that's fine."
"Indeed,
it is his prerogative." Even
if Spock too had noticed how much time Jim was spending with Ballard. "And Commander Ballard is not on
this mission. If you wish to talk
to Jim, do it."
"Ever
logical, Spock. Follow your own
advice. I never see you in the
lounge with him anymore."
Spock
realized that McCoy might not be feeling left out at all. That this may be some kind of armchair
psychiatry. "I do not drink,
Doctor. As you know."
"Never
stopped your chess games before."
McCoy's smile was gentle.
"Fine, I'll stop grilling you.
But as much as you miss him, he misses you. Do something about that, Spock. Let Jim in."
It
was obvious McCoy had no idea that Jim might be interested in the woman who had
just left Spock.
Jim
stopped and hailed the ship, calling for beam-out. Taking his normal place,
Spock stood next to McCoy, and the transporter took them.
Rand
welcomed them back, a smile that held none of her old infatuation. "Welcome home, sirs."
"Thank
you." Jim walked to her
console. "Cam mentioned a
special bottle of scotch, ordered from a distillery he refuses to name. Is that because it's that good or that
it's rockgut?"
She
laughed. "It's going to be
good. Upper level of the lounge as
usual—we'll see you there?"
He
nodded.
She
seemed about to say more, then glanced at Spock. "I'll make sure you have
company."
Spock
hid any reaction. Did she think he
would not figure out she meant Christine?
"Captain, a word?"
"Of
course, Spock." Jim patted the
console several times as he often did when settling something in his mind, then
turned and led him out of the room.
Once out, the air of bravado seemed to fade and he said, "I'm
sorry. About Chris."
"You
may tell Chief Rand that she does not need to hide the fact that you socialize
with Christine."
Jim
reddened slightly. "Sorry
about that. She's trying to protect
you, I think."
"Whatever
her motive, it is unnecessary.
Christine and I are finished.
And we will conduct ourselves with dignity, I assure you."
Jim
gave Spock a gentle smile. "I
believe you."
"I
realize you may be interested in her.
I wish you to know that I am...I understand."
Swallowing
hard, Jim said, "I wouldn't.
In your place."
"You
would not be in my place Jim. You
are human and yet I believe you make less emotional decisions than
I." He looked down. "One of the reasons I went to Gol
was that after Zarabeth, I was lonely. I had found something in that
state—I was emotional and open—that I wanted more of once I was
back on the ship."
He
could tell he had Jim's attention.
He had not spoken of his reasons for going to Gol, and he knew Jim
wondered if he had done something to contribute to the decision. "Christine was there, open to me,
lovely. And I wanted to recreate
what I had known with another woman with her. I would have pursued it, but Doctor
Lester arrived, changing everything.
Christine was at my side when no one else was. Supporting me and I was ashamed because
I knew that I had been willing to use her as some sort of...experiment to
attempt to recreate an emotional response I'd had to a woman long dead. It did me no credit. It was an emotional break and it was not
the first. After that, after the
humiliations forced on us by the Platonians, after
everything, I could not take it. I
fled my emotions, my friendship with you, my desire for Christine, my love for
my mother, my anger at my father. I
abandoned everything that mattered."
Jim
waited, listening, not appearing to judge.
"After
the meld with V'ger, I made another emotional
decision and seduced Christine. It
was why I could not spend the Pon Farr with her. I was already experiencing regret on
acting so emotionally, on engaging with her prematurely. I could not risk tying her to me on yet
another emotional whim."
"You
love her, though."
"I
do. But she and I will not
work. And part of that is my fault—some
hers. It does not matter. What does matter is that I think you and
she will work. I am speaking about
this now because our friendship has suffered, and I do not wish your
involvement with her to affect it further."
"Spock,
you're the one who has no time for me."
"You
are busy with your new friend. You
brought him on board after Nogura
gave you the ship. Doctor McCoy and
I were here and yet you brought Ballard aboard."
"He
kept me sane, Spock. You weren't
there. Bones wasn't there. Cam was. And he's a fine officer. He deserves this posting."
Spock
could tell he had made Jim angry and held his hand up. "I am...sorry. I merely wanted you to know that I have
noticed you do not need me. And I
have had cause to regret that."
"Don't
need you? Of course I need
you. And maybe it is easier to
spend time with him and Jan than with you.
But if you're saying you've been lonely, well, you haven't made it easy
for me to care. You left me and
then you came back, and you clasped my hand and you said words that made me
feel like everything was going to be all right. You and Chris were together, and I was a
fan of that, Spock. I did not try
to get in the middle of this other than to help."
"I
know, Jim."
"But
then you started pulling away again.
The same thing Chris felt, I did too—only without the apparently
good sex." He looked down. "It felt like before—right
before Gol, you started to pull away.
You grew distant. You didn't
have time for chess. You spent all
your time in the lab. This time
around I wasn't sure where you were headed emotionally, and frankly I wasn't
willing to invest that much of myself in finding out—not if you were
going to abandon me again."
He
stopped talking as several crewmen walked past, nodded to them and called them
by name. The men smiled and
murmured, "Hello, sir."
Once
they were safely past, Jim said, "Look, Spock, tonight I'm going to be
with Cam and Jan and—"
"And
Christine. Yes I determined that
already."
"Right,
well, tomorrow I'm not going to be with them. Chess?" The look he gave Spock was open and
missing something that Spock only now realized had been a wall, one built for
protection.
Against
him. Against the way Spock had hurt
him.
"Chess,
Jim, would be most welcome. And you
do not need to worry: I am not going back to Gol."
"Because
they won't let you or because you don't want to?"
Spock
almost smiled; Jim never missed the subtleties. "Because I do not see that as my
future." He reached out and
touched Jim's hand for a moment, long enough to make his point, he hoped. "I am still journeying, finding out
who I am. Your company on that
journey is necessary—critical even."
"Are
you asking me not to abandon you?"
"I
am. You are a man of deep
honor. You do, I believe, want the
woman who was mine. This will
bother you, and if you pursue her, which I believe you will, the most logical
way to address the self-reproach would be to put distance between us. I do not want that. Christine and I have had our time. If now is to be yours with her, then so
be it. Do not pull away from
me."
"If
you'd said all this to Chris, she might not have left you." Jim gave him a wry but gentle smile.
"Indeed. But, Jim, I would never say this to
her. Or to anyone else."
Jim
nodded and reached out for Spock's shoulder, squeezing gently then letting
go. "Chess it is. Normal place and time?"
"Yes. I look forward to it."
##
Kirk
watched Spock walk away then turned and went back into the transporter
room.
Rand
was doing something at the terminal, but she looked up as he came in. "Sorry, did I say the wrong
thing?"
"No,
it's fine." He thought of
Spock's expression when he was talking about Chris. "He knew who you meant,
though."
She
winced. "Sorry."
"Did
you already talk to Chris about tonight?"
"No,
I was just going to shanghai her.
She's in a weird mood since packing up her stuff. I thought if she had too much time to
think about an invite, she'd weasel out.
So I'll be impromptu."
"Who
knew you were such an evil mastermind?" He grinned.
"Hey,
I studied strategic thinking under the best." Her grin matched his own.
"I'm
glad you're here. You and Cam even
if he's—" He tried to
keep his face neutral; Cam may not have told her he'd just been selected for
head of Starfleet security.
"Relax,
he's a smart man and let me know as soon as he was notified. I need...I want to ask you for another
recommendation to OCS. I know I
chickened out the first time, but this time, I'm ready."
"And
a stint on Earth would mean you two could be together. Win win."
"The
Jim Kirk way." She cocked her
head to the side and sighed.
"I hate leaving you, though.
We're having such fun. But
you'll have Christine. And we won't
be leaving right away. Captain Jezalub isn't retiring for two months. OCS is in four. Plenty of time for you and Christine to
get comfortable before your role-model couple departs." She rolled her eyes. "Role model. Pffff."
"You
are, actually. Seeing you two happy
has made me more...open, I guess."
He studied her. "You're
all right with me being with her?"
"Yes. I am. I sort of engineered it, didn't I?"
He
laughed. "You let me know
you're a fan of the idea."
"Your
version is fine." Her face
grew serious. "Aside from the fact
that I'm happy with Cam and you prefer scientists, so I know we would never
work, here's my philosophy on life—I think I refined it on the ship when
I served under you."
"Okay. Let's hear it." He grinned, wondering where she would go
with this.
"There
are three kinds of people in this world.
The ones who have your back, who are there for you, who make your life a
better one than if they weren't in it.
Then there are the ones who do the opposite, who stand in your way or
who are mean to you when you're at your worst. Then there's everyone else, more
or less neutral. You and Christine,
you are in the first group for me.
I can honestly say that my life is better because you're in it, both of
you. And I think you'll be
wonderful together. You both need
to be loved, the right way, not just for sex. And you're smart. And you know what it's like to lose
people." She laughed, a little
nervously. "Wow, look at me
getting so sappy."
"Thank
you, Jan. It means a lot." He
walked around the console and gave her a quick hug. "You were the best yeoman I've ever
had. Hands down. I don't know if I've ever told you that."
"You
haven't. And thank you."
He
stepped back. "Can I convince
you to let me shanghai Chris tonight?"
"Well
you did pretty damn well on the beach the other day so, yes, you may take over
all shanghaiing duties from now on."
"Thanks. I'll see you tonight." He turned just before getting to the
door. " And I'll give you a glowing recommendation. Even better than the last one."
Her
radiant smile, free of any trace of her old crush, was the best thank-you in
the world.
##
Chapel
was trying to decide if she wanted to go find Jan or Ny when her chime went
off. "Come."
Jim
walked in, a grin on his face.
"I came to kidnap you."
She
put her hands on her hips and made a "Tell me more, child," look that
she'd learned from the woman who'd babysat her for years when her dad had been
working in New Orleans.
It
worked on Jim. He dropped the act
and moved closer. "Cam apparently
has a bottle of scotch that is supposed to be nectar from the gods. He's opening it tonight. I want you to come with me."
"As
your friend?"
"No. Although I imagine to those
watching—other than a few in the know—it will look like that. I don't want to hurt Spock."
She
looked down.
"Am
I assuming something I shouldn't? I
thought...when we danced that I felt something. But maybe you didn't. And we have fun, right?"
He
was turning red and to save him from starting to babble, which he looked like
he might, she pulled him to her and kissed him.
He
pulled her closer, running his hands over her back. When he finally pulled away, he put his
hands on her either side of her face, stared into her eyes, and said, "I
really like you. I love to be with
you. I have fun when you're
around."
"You
know all the right things to say."
She closed her eyes and sighed.
"All the things Spock didn't give me."
"Well,
I have to win where I can. He has
the meld, so he may have the sex competition won."
She
laughed. "He didn't use it
much. Not after the first few
weeks. I guess it's for special
occasions or something. Or maybe he
didn't want me to see how much he was changing." She sighed. "He's still your friend, Jim. Should I be talking about him to
you?"
"Yes. You can talk about anything to me. All right?"
"Okay." She leaned her head on his shoulder, and
he pulled her in for a tight hug.
"We
need to be discreet."
"Hide?"
"I
don't mean hide. I mean...go slow.
Not for the crew, but for him.
Well, okay, for the crew, too.
I don't want them thinking I poached you. You left him, but not for me,
right?"
She
had to think about that. "I
think I left him for me. But...if
I'm honest, you were of interest to me.
We have so much fun. Maybe,
in some way, I left him for you."
"Well,
I damn well better be good in bed, then." He laughed but it was a little bit
insecure. "Or I guess you
could have him for sex and me for fun." He made a face that said that idea was
very unappealing.
"Would
you share me that way?"
"No. And I like to think IÕm good in
bed. During and after, for the fun
part." He pushed her hair
back, stroked over her eyebrows.
"Getting to know what's in here, that marvelous brain of
yours." He let go of her. "Now, will you come with me or am I
going to have to sic Jan on you?"
"Fine,
twist my arm." She grinned to
show him she was kidding.
"Did
you know Jan is leaving?"
She
shook her head, knew her expression was a little bit stricken.
"Cam
is going to be head of Starfleet security.
Jan's going to try to get into OCS."
"She
will. You'll make sure of
that."
"I
will. And Cam will be great. But I'll miss them. They were easy to be with."
She
sighed. "Well, maybe when
Spock finds a new gal, we can double date with them."
He
laughed. "Do you think he will
want that? Someone else?"
"I
don't know. But Ny's
always liked him. If I tell her I
don't mind, she probably won't waste time.
Whether he bites is the question.
I'm not sure he'd make her happy.
Or maybe he would. Maybe
she'd demand less, or in a different way than I did. I don't know. I'll tell her though. I don't want to see either of them
lonely."
He
pulled her back in for a kiss.
"Last one for tonight until I drop you back off here. I won't ask to come in. I want to do this right. Take it slow."
"I
think that's a good idea. We have
time."
"We
have lots of time. And I want you
to be sure." He stroked her
back, then let his hand drop down and down and down.
She
laughed and said, "I thought you were taking it slow."
"I
have been wanting to do that for some time. I'll stop now." He laughed and gave her ass one more
pat. "Oh yeah, so worth the
wait. Now, my dear, do you have our
antitox?
This scotch of Cam's may pack a wallop."
"Always."
"Then
let's go."
##
Spock
sat in the lounge, the chessboard in front of him. He'd beaten Jim the first game. Now, this second game, it was clear he
was going to lose.
"Best
of three?" Jim asked as he made the move to checkmate, and it felt like
old times.
Like
the times Spock had foolishly tried to erase.
The
only time he'd really been content, felt as if he belonged, was on Jim's ship,
serving at his side, and he'd gone to Gol to destroy that part of him.
"You
okay?" Jim asked softly, the quiet question of a friend, Spock's best
friend.
He
nodded, said only, "I am. And
yes, best of three."
He
won the third game. Any
satisfaction fled though when Christine came into the lounge, when she smiled
at Jim in a happy, easy way that she had lost as Spock's relationship with her
had progressed. Then she shot Spock
a gentle look that he read as "I'm sorry" and "We knew this
would happen."
He
knew she was sorry. And they had
known it would happen. Spock knew he
had changed, had ceased to be the emotionally open man who had seduced
her. Some small part of him wished
he could still be that man for her, but he knew he could not. It was the kindest thing to let her
go. He knew Jim would be good for
her and that she was good for him.
He
also knew neither of them would flaunt their relationship, that it was in their
nature to be kind. They wouldn't
kiss in front of him, not yet, probably not for some time, although Spock could
imagine them doing it in private, could see Jim enjoying the way she would move
against him. Spock had seen them
headed for the lounge the night before, no doubt for Ballard's special
scotch. They had not been holding
hands, but they had been standing so close as they walked. And she had looked so...happy.
Jim
interrupted his reverie. "Are
you sure you're all right?"
"I
am fine, Jim. She is waiting."
With
a pained smile, Jim left him, his smile changing as he joined Christine and led
her to the dance floor. Spock
wondered if Jim even realized how content he looked as they danced. So close, so in sync. Spock tried to look away and failed.
"They
look good together." It took
him a moment to realize the husky female voice belonged to Rand. She moved around to sit next to him at
the table. Her voice was pitched
low as she said, "You did the right thing letting her go. But it hurts, I imagine."
"How
is this your business?"
"She's
my friend." Rand's tone was
even, her gaze holding a note of victory that Spock was having trouble understanding. Her expression changed,
looked...disappointed? Then she
stood. "I'll leave you to
it."
"To
what exactly?" He was doing
nothing; the expression made no sense in this context. Spock saw Commander Ballard come into
the lounge, clearly looking for Rand.
"Your...friend has arrived."
Her
smile again carried a note of victory Spock did not understand. "Then I should go. You'll be okay alone?"
"And
if I said 'no'?"
"I
guess we'd invite you to join us, but that might be a little
awkward." She made the face
Spock had seen his mother often use when describing uncomfortable situations.
"Indeed. I will be fine alone."
"Okay,
then." She stood and waved to
Ballard, then made her way through the tables to him. They joined Jim and Christine on the
dance floor.
Spock
watched them for a moment, then left the lounge in an unhurried fashion, his
demeanor calmer than he felt inside.
Had
he made a mistake letting Christine go?
Should he have fought for her?
Would
it have made any difference if he had?
"Spock,
wait up." McCoy was hurrying
down the corridor to him.
"Doctor?"
"I
just...I just wanted to say if you need an ear, I'm here." McCoy looked slightly
uncomfortable. "I know I'm not
always that nice to you, but I think you're hurting and if so, well, you can
come to me. I want you to know
that."
Spock
wondered if McCoy had told Christine the same thing when she'd been with
him. "Thank you, Leonard. But...I am fine."
"Sure. Sure you are. Okay, well, you know where to find me if
you change your mind. I'm going to
get back—there's a bourbon and a pretty young lieutenant waiting for me
in the lounge."
"I
appreciate your concern." The
he softened his expression.
"Truly, Leonard."
McCoy
gave him a smile that seemed to understand a great deal.
Spock
turned and walked to the lift, telling it to go to deck five, walking slowly to
his quarters.
His
empty quarters. He turned around
and headed for the lab instead.
There
was always science.
FIN