DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the
property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The
story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c)
2013 by Djinn. This story is Rated R.
The Road Re-Traveled
by
Djinn
Chapel
was enjoying a day off from Emergency Operations, wandering the city as if she
was a tourist. SheÕd had a coffee
at her favorite cafŽ, gone to the art museum, enjoyed a croissant and some good
Spanish cheese with a glass of wine at a bakery down near the wharf, and now
was trying to figure out how to end this perfect day. A day finally with no pages from frantic
coworkers needing her to report to Ops.
She
decided to pick up Chinese on the way home and walked up a street she didnÕt
normally travel. She was in a
happy, tired daze, but she stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Jim round
the corner.
He
wasnÕt with Spock. He was with a
brunette woman, slim and almost as tall as he was. They had their arms around each other,
and the woman was laughing.
The
kind of laugh that said: I sleep with you on a regular basis.
For
a moment, Chapel considered turning and heading back the way sheÕd come, but
she decided to show that she was not the least bit bothered that Jim and Spock
had clearly replaced her.
God
damn it, and the woman even looked like her. What the hell?
JimÕs
expression was probably about like hers.
Not happy to see her and clearly not expecting to see her.
ÒNew
toy?Ó She gave the woman the smile
sheÕd perfected in Ops. It was not a nice look. ÒSpock know youÕve got her all to
yourself? I remember how careful
you always were with making sure he didnÕt feel left out.Ó
ÒI
will be one minute, all right, Antonia?Ó
He kissed the woman on the cheek and left her standing, then grabbed
Chapel by the arm and hauled her far enough to be out of range. ÒChris, I guess you didnÕt get the
memo.Ó
ÒThere
was a memo? Because we see a lot of
the memos, but I donÕt remember one with a vacancy for my position in the happy
trio.Ó
ÒYeah,
it wasnÕt that kind of memo.Ó He
sighed, and it was an exasperated sound.
ÒThat woman is Antonia.
SheÕs my girlfriend.Ó
ÒAs
I surmised. Nice to know you and
Spock have a type.Ó
ÒMy girlfriend. IÕm not with Spock anymore.Ó He took a deep breath. ÒSoon I wonÕt be with Starfleet anymore,
either. IÕm retiring.Ó
ÒWhat?Ó There was always scuttlebutt about
retirements, especially someone like Jim.
ÒWas this a sudden decision?Ó
ÒYou
could say that.Ó He gave her the
tight smile she hated. ÒI have to
go. DonÕt want to keep Antonia
waiting.Ó
ÒNice
name.Ó
ÒYes. It is.Ó He gave her a quick kiss on the
cheek. ÒI wish I could say it was good
to see you, but the mood youÕre in, itÕs not.Ó
ÒThe
mood IÕm in?Ó She stared at him like
he was an idiot. If heÕd wanted a
woman all to himself, why the hell hadnÕt he chosen her? ÒNice of you to give me a heads up on
all this. Oh wait, you didnÕt.Ó
ÒI
donÕt owe you anything, Chris. You
left me, remember?Ó
ÒI
left you plural. I would have
stayed for you singular.Ó She
backed away, any desire for Chinese food gone. ÒI wish you all the best with your new
life, sir.Ó
ÒChris. Come on.Ó
ÒNo,
really. All the best.Ó She yelled up to where the other woman
was standing. ÒNice to have almost
met you. HeÕs a peach. Treat him right.Ó Then she turned on her heel and tried
her best to keep her pace to a dignified retreat.
As
soon as she was around the corner she commed
Jan. ÒIs Spock on Earth?Ó
ÒReally? YouÕre calling on your day off to ask
that? I thought you were over
him?Ó Jan had never known the real
story. She only knew that Chapel
had been with Jim. And sheÕd been a
hell of a lot nicer about it than Chapel would have been if sheÕd found out Jan
had been with Spock.
Chapel
had come to realize that she wasnÕt always a very nice person. ÒJan, please?Ó
ÒOh,
hold on.Ó There was a moment of
silence, then, ÒYep. HeÕs at the
embassy according to his travel plans.Ó
ÒThanks. Hey, I just ran into Jim and his new
girlfriend.Ó
ÒI
heard some scuttlebutt.Ó
ÒAnd
you didnÕt share?Ó
ÒI
thought it was bull. The same
person also said he was retiring.Ó
ÒAnd
that person was right.Ó She
sighed. ÒThe woman was
pretty.Ó Prettier than Chapel, if
she was honest with herself. It was
like Jim had looked for someone like her and then upgraded a few models.
ÒIÕm
sorry. Why do you want to know
about Spock?Ó
ÒBecause
I like picking at scabs. IÕll see
you tomorrow, okay?Ó
ÒChristine,
go home. Do not go to the
embassy.Ó Jan had the tone she got
when she knew she was right and also knew Chapel wouldnÕt listen to her.
ÒSee
you tomorrow.Ó
She
turned and headed back up the hill toward the Vulcan embassy.
##
The
guard at the embassy made her wait.
Apparently, Commander Spock was not receiving visitors. She managed to convince the guard that
she was actually on official business by giving him some Ops
doubletalk—even Vulcans had no defense against that kind of
bullshit—and he went inside and commed Spock.
A
moment later, he came back. ÒYou
can go in. He will wait for you at
the top of the stairs.Ó
She
walked past him, into a room sheÕd never seen before, never been welcome in
before. Jim had, though.
Why
the hell had Jim left Spock? Last sheÕd
heard from Len, theyÕd been fine. Although Len had admitted he couldnÕt read
them as well as a couple as he could individually.
Which
meant Len had to have seen that Jim was upset, that Spock was, too. And he hadnÕt told her. But then...why would he? He wanted her for himself. Since the first time theyÕd gotten
together at the medical conference, theyÕd shared a few more interludes.
The
sex had been great. The love she
felt for Len as a friend, as a mentor, had never translated into Ôin love with,Õ
though. And she knew it bugged
him. A lot. But heÕd gone into things with his eyes
open.
That
didnÕt mean he was going to give her a heads-up that her one true love was
free, though.
She
got to the stairway and looked up.
Spock stood, his Vulcan robe seemed more wrinkled than sheÕd ever seen.
She
hurried up to him. ÒI just saw
Jim. And Antonia.Ó
He
looked down, but not before she read raw hurt in his eyes.
ÒWhat
the hell happened?Ó
He
turned and walked up another short flight of stairs, his hand held out behind him
in a clear indication that she should follow—but not hold on. He led her to a suite set at the end of
the hallway, a lovely view of the courtyard garden and fountain visible from
the windows.
ÒSpock?Ó
He
pointed to a chair, then closed the door behind her. ÒNo one knows why he is retiring. Why he chose...that woman.Ó
ÒYouÕve
met her.Ó
ÒMet,
no. I have seen him with her.Ó
ÒWhen
you said no one knows, you meant no one but you, right?Ó She got up and pushed him onto the bed
so he was sitting, then stood in front of him. ÒIs this like before? When he rushed off to Lori and a desk
job?Ó
He
nodded.
ÒDid
you do something to me? Did he find
out?Ó She didnÕt think heÕd taken
away any of her memories, but then again, she hadnÕt thought so the first time
heÕd done it, either.
ÒNo. To him.Ó He sighed. ÒHe was captured. Tortured. I...Ó He looked away. ÒHe was in pain.Ó
ÒYou
took it away.Ó
He
nodded. ÒAnd I told him I did
it. I told him why I did it. He was incapable of running the ship the
way he was.Ó
ÒWould
he have stayed incapable?Ó
ÒI
do not know.Ó
ÒDoes
Len know what you did?Ó
ÒI
believe he suspects. But he did not
censure me.Ó
ÒSo
not only did you fuck with JimÕs memories, but you didnÕt have enough faith in him
to believe heÕd find his way back.Ó
ÒHis
words almost to the letter.Ó He put
his arms around her, buried his head in her stomach. ÒChristine, I was only trying to help
someone I love. This time what I
did was not for me. He needed to
stay on the ship—I gave him that.
But he chose to leave. I
have been acting captain for months.
Until we got word the shipÕs mission was to be changed.Ó
Suddenly
a rumor sheÕd heard made sense. ÒSo
the Enterprise is becoming a training
ship?Ó
He
nodded.
ÒAnd
youÕre her new captain?Ó
ÒIt
is logged that way, but I will be stationed at the Academy. We will only use the ship for training
voyages.Ó He pulled her down to sit
next to him. ÒThings have been
tenuous between Jim and me for some time, even before I interfered with his
memories. He believes I engineered
your leaving.Ó
She
gave him an incredulous look. ÒYou
sort of did.Ó
ÒI
would not have been opposed to you staying, and you know that, Christine.Ó He gave her a hard look. ÒI think it was hearing that McCoy was
with you that made him reexamine our time together as a trio.Ó
ÒLen
told him?Ó
ÒThey
were drinking. Apparently, it came
out.Ó
She
shook her head. Len could keep his secrets even when stone-cold drunk. If heÕd said anything, heÕd said it
because he was mad at Jim or mad at her.
ÒItÕs a casual thing with Len.
And he knows it. If he told
Jim it was more, then he was lying.Ó
ÒI
do not know what he told Jim. I do
not care what you do with him.Ó
ÒThat
statement would be more believable if you werenÕt holding my hand so tightly.Ó
He
looked down, seemed to realize what he was doing, but he didnÕt let go. ÒI assumed if I lost Jim, it would be to
you.Ó
ÒYeah,
I kind of did, too. Guess we were
both wrong, huh?Ó
He
nodded. He looked entirely lost and
she ruffled his hair. He looked up
at her, his expression bleak.
ÒLetÕs
go get something to eat. IÕm
starving, and you look like youÕve been holed up in here for a while.Ó
ÒDo
you hate me for what I did? How I
brought us all together?Ó
ÒAnd
blew it all apart?Ó She leaned in and
kissed his cheek. ÒWould I ask you
to go to dinner with me on one of my precious days off if I did?Ó
ÒI
donÕt know.Ó He sounded so lost, so
hurt, that she pulled him to her and kissed him hard on the lips.
ÒI
admire how sneaky you are. I resent
that you won. But hate you? No.Ó
He
stroked her hair and kissed her, not hard but tenderly. ÒI would like to spend time with you.Ó
ÒOkay. LetÕs go.Ó
ÒI
do not mean just dinner.Ó
ÒOne
day at a time, sweetheart.Ó She
touched his robe, the deep wrinkles in it.
ÒThis is a new look for you.
Rumpled Vulcan.Ó
He
looked down, seemed to take in how he looked. ÒI will change.Ó He peeled the robe off and threw it into
the refresher, then rummaged through his wardrobe.
ÒShould
I avert my eyes?Ó
ÒIs
there logic in that? You have seen
me naked before.Ó
ÒWhen
I was your lover. IÕm not your
lover now.Ó
He
turned and faced her, giving her a rather spectacular view of what sheÕd left
behind. ÒAre you embarrassed by
this intimacy?Ó
She
shook her head. ÒI guess I just
thought you would be.Ó
He
turned and resumed finding clothing.
She decided to get up and look out the window.
He
came up behind her. ÒYou are
embarrassed.Ó
ÒMaybe
a little. ItÕs been a while for
us.Ó
He
rubbed her arms; it felt amazingly good to be touched by him again. ÒYes. It has.Ó He led her out of the room and they were
halfway down the hall when his mother turned the corner.
ÒSpock,
youÕre going out? And
Christine. How nice to see you,
dear.Ó The woman looked ready to
hug her; Chapel imagined sheÕd done everything in her power to get Spock out of
that room.
ÒWeÕre
going to get some dinner,Ó Chapel said.
ÒExcellent. DonÕt let me keep you.Ó She smiled in a sweetly sad way, as if
to say to be gentle with her boy, and Chapel smiled back the same way.
ÒHow
long have you been hiding in your room?Ó she murmured when they were out of
range of Amanda.
ÒToo
long for her taste. She is most
aggravated with Jim.Ó
ÒDoes
she know the whole story?Ó
There
was a long silence, then a sheepish, ÒNo.Ó
ÒWell,
IÕm not going to tell her.
Relax.Ó Since there was no
one in the hallway, she rubbed his back gently.
He
leaned into her hand. ÒThank you
for coming.Ó
ÒNo
problem. What are ex-lovers
for?Ó
##
Chapel
saw Spock in the hallways of Command, hurried over to him. ÒCaptain
Spock. Is it still new enough to get
a little thrill hearing that?Ó
ÒVulcans
do not get thrills, Christine.Ó
She
grinned at him. ÒI distinctly
remember you getting some back on the ship.Ó
His
eyes lightened. ÒI stand
corrected. There may, indeed, be
occasions where that word applies.
Earning a new rank, however, is not one of them.Ó He studied her. ÒAre you going to JimÕs retirement ceremony
today?Ó
She
nodded.
ÒAre
you going with Doctor McCoy?Ó
ÒI
told him I wasnÕt sure I could get away.
Thought he should go on without me and IÕd see him there.Ó
ÒWould
you give me the same answer if I were to ask you to accompany me?Ó He met and held her eyes.
She
shook her head.
ÒThen
I will meet you here and we can go together.Ó
ÒItÕs
going to hurt Len if we do this.Ó
ÒI
am aware of that. I asked despite
that.Ó
ÒWell,
just so weÕre clear. You and I have
been spending a lot of time together, but I donÕt necessarily want to hurt him
just because youÕve been needing a break-up buddy.Ó
ÒYou
are far more than a...Ôbuddy.Õ And
I believe you are aware of that. My
mother said I must bring you over for a function they are holding on Saturday
at the embassy. You can meet
Saavik.Ó
Chapel
smiled; he spoke often of the girl he clearly considered a daughter. ÒIÕd like that.Ó
ÒAs
would I.Ó He leaned in, pitched his
voice low. ÒI realize that we are
both hurt and angry by JimÕs actions.
He left me...again. He did
not choose you, and let you go in the first place.Ó
She
nodded, wondering where he was headed with this.
ÒI
think it important that you know that is not why I wish to spend time with
you. You were comforting when you
came to the embassy. But before
that you were a woman I could have loved if you had stayed with us. And now, who knows what lies in store?Ó
ÒAnd
if Jim comes back?Ó
ÒHe
may well find both of us otherwise engaged.Ó He stared at her intently. ÒDo not sleep with McCoy anymore.Ó
ÒYouÕre
dictating terms? You havenÕt even slept
with me yet.Ó
ÒIt
would have been a reaction to being left.
When we have sex, I want it to be because we both desire it.Ó His lips ticked up slightly. ÒI have enjoyed the weeks getting to
know you better—getting to know you on my own.Ó
ÒYou
realize Len may be better for me than either you or Jim?Ó
ÒIf
that is the case, why arenÕt you with him?Ó He raised an eyebrow and looked very
smug. ÒI will be by for you in an
hour.Ó
She
decided not to argue. It would be
futile anyway. ÒIÕll see you then.Ó
##
The
room was packed. But then Jim was
always popular with his crew, if not his peers. She saw Antonia standing next to him, a
visitor badge on her lovely dress.
ÒShe
looks like you,Ó Spock murmured.
ÒSheÕs
about ten times prettier and you know it.
But yeah, brown hair, blue eyes, lanky build. I think I would have felt better if heÕd
gone for a tiny blond.Ó She smiled
up at him.
ÒHe
met her at his uncleÕs ranch.Ó
ÒThatÕll
teach you to not learn how to ride.
Look what happens when you let him go off by himself.Ó
The
joke fell flat, but that could have been because Len was walking toward them, an
expression she couldnÕt read on his face.
ÒLook
who I found loitering outside of Ops,Ó she said. As lies went, it was pretty close to the
truth.
Len
didnÕt look amused. ÒSo I see. Spock.Ó
ÒDoctor.Ó
ÒWell,Ó
she said, taking both of them by the arm just long enough to get them moving
into the ÒWish the captain well before the speeches startÓ line. ÒLetÕs send off our former captain.Ó
Len
leaned in, whispered in her ear, ÒAre you trying to look like you formed a new
threesome in his absence?Ó
She
wanted to slap him. She settled for
a mild glare.
He
didnÕt look the least bit contrite.
Spock
was the first to reach Jim, he seemed at a loss for words, so Chapel moved in
close and smiled at both Jim and Antonia.
ÒWeÕre very happy for you, Jim.Ó
Jim
met SpockÕs eyes. His expression
was a mixture of hurt and mistrust.
She imagined if she could see SpockÕs expression it would be hurt and
guilt—although she wasnÕt sure if he felt guilt the same way humans
did. He certainly didnÕt learn from
his mistakes.
Len
leaned in, taking AntoniaÕs hand. ÒDarlinÕ, every time I see you, you look lovelier than the
last.Ó
If
heÕd been looking for a way to make it clear he was on the ins with Jim, he was
doing a bang-up job. She felt Spock
stiffen beside her.
Antonia
smiled at Len in what looked like relief.
ÒSo good to see you, Leonard.Ó
Jim
moved to AntoniaÕs other side so she could talk to Len more easily, then leaned
in and said softly, ÒYou two look very together.Ó
ÒThat
is none of your affair, Jim.Ó
SpockÕs voice was as tight as sheÕd ever heard it.
ÒIÕm
in agreement with Spock. Not your
goddamn business.Ó
ÒIÕm
glad weÕre all behaving like adults.Ó He met her eyes. ÒYou liked him first, right? How long did it take you to get into his
bed?Ó
He
wasnÕt being quite as quiet as he should have been. Antonia shot him a startled glance.
She
waited until Antonia had turned back to Len to say, ÒWeÕre waiting. Until youÕre gone and we can move on the
way we should. To each other. Not from you.Ó
ÒEloquently
put, Christine.Ó
Jim
just shook his head and closed his eyes.
She
leaned in. ÒRunning off with a
lovely woman. That didnÕt work so
well for you the first time, what makes you think it will be any better this
time?Ó
His
look turned stormy, and she felt SpockÕs hand at her elbow, urging her away
from Jim and toward the waiters holding drink and appetizer platters.
ÒDid
I go too far?Ó
ÒYes,Ó
Spock said softly. ÒI did not,
however, mind.Ó
##
The
Vulcan embassy was quite crowded, apparently to hear a Vulcan ethicist speak,
but Spock eased Chapel away from the crowd and down a hall toward a smaller
salon that led out to the courtyard.
A young Vulcan woman was sitting near the fountain.
She
looked up and a smile—small but much larger than anything Chapel had seen
Spock or Sarek make—brightened her face. ÒSpock. It has been so long.Ó
ÒSaavikam, I regret that undue time has passed.Ó
Chapel saw something in the girlÕs expression, something that said she thought
Spock was full of shit. Spock had
not told her much about Saavik other than she was his ward, had spent her
formative years on Vulcan, and was about to start her last year at the Academy.
ÒThis
is Commander Chapel.Ó
ÒMaÕam.Ó SaavikÕs nod was perfect.
ÒCall
me Christine.Ó
ÒAll
right. Christine.Ó
Spock
gestured for Chapel to take the seat across from Saavik, then said, ÒI must go
listen to Sulavak, or I will not hear the end of it
from my father. I will send a
server in to bring you refreshments.Ó
Then he was gone.
Chapel
laughed softly. ÒEver the social
adept. Did you even want to be
stuck out here with me?Ó
Saavik
seemed to relax, and she gave Chapel a small, sheepish smile. ÒI am sorry if I appeared to convey dismay
at that. I was most curious to meet
you.Ó
ÒIÕm
sure you were. Especially after
Spock has been with Jim so long.Ó
It was a risk going for the jugular of truth this way, but Chapel was
sick of sidestepping the issue with Sarek and Amanda.
ÒI
do not know Admiral Kirk well. I
met him when I was younger. But he
and Spock were often away, on the ship.Ó
She looked over at the fountain, as if the ripples in the water were
easier to watch than whatever memories she was reliving. ÒLately, Spock has been distant
again. The way he was when he went
to Gol. I
was...relieved when Amanda told me he was bringing you tonight. Perhaps I will not lose him again
because his heart is broken.Ó
Chapel
frowned. Who was this Vulcan girl
to speak so easily of broken hearts?
Saavik
seemed to read her expression perfectly.
ÒAh. Spock did not tell
you. I am half Romulan. I understand emotions. I have emotions. I just try to control them.Ó
ÒHe
didnÕt tell me that.Ó
ÒHe
wants people to accept me as Vulcan the way most do him. I can choose to embrace my Romulan side or not—he has never forced me to try to
sublimate it.Ó
ÒI
imagine Vulcan did that for you.Ó
ÒAnd
losing him to Gol. I thought that if I could be the perfect
Vulcan he would not go. Then when
he was there, I thought that I could lure him back if I was even more Vulcan. It was Sarek who explained to me that
Spock was not coming back—and that it was not my fault. But then there was the incident with VÕger, and Spock was suddenly happy again. He was the man who had first rescued me
from hell.Ó
Chapel
waited to see if Saavik would say more of her origins, but she didnÕt, so she
didnÕt press it. ÒHe was with Jim
again.Ó
ÒYes. And they were happy. Even if the happier he was with Kirk,
the less I saw him, since he did not visit Vulcan often and I was never on
Earth.Ó Saavik studied Chapel with
a curious expression. ÒYou were on
the ship at some point, were you not?Ó
ÒI
was.Ó She kept her face as neutral
as she could.
ÒAnd
on the first voyage as well?Ó
ÒMmm hmmm.Ó
Chapel saw the server come in and helped herself to sparkling water and
a plate of Vulcan hors dÕoeuvres.
Saavik
only took water. ÒI am endeavoring
to understand how you came into his life.
He no longer seemed as happy with the admiral after a while, and then Kirk
left him. He always leaves him.Ó
ÒDonÕt
make Jim the bad guy. ItÕs not that
simple.Ó
Saavik shot her a sharp look. ÒYou
speak from experience?Ó
She
was not sharing her past with a girl—especially one who was essentially
SpockÕs daughter. ÒNothing is ever
black or white. There are always
grays, always things one or the other person could have done differently.Ó
Saavik
seemed to consider this. ÒI have limited
romantic experience so I will bow to your greater wisdom on the subject.Ó
Wow. Had Saavik just called her a slut? Chapel laughed softly. ÒWas that an insult?Ó
Saavik
looked shocked. ÒNo. I was being sincere.Ó She took a quick sip of her water. ÒSpock is clearly fond of you. I have no desire to give offense.Ó
ÒRelax. I wasnÕt offended, more amused.Ó
ÒMay
I ask you a personal question?Ó
ÒYou
mean youÕve been holding back so far?Ó
Chapel laughed again.
Saavik
almost smiled. ÒAre you with
Spock?Ó
ÒI
came with him to this.Ó She grinned
at SaavikÕs expression. ÒOhhh, you mean, am I with
him?Ó
Saavik
lifted an eyebrow at her.
ÒAh,
thereÕs the look IÕve come to cherish on Spock. The answer is...Ó She frowned. She and Spock werenÕt having sex, but he
often spent time with her, talking, eating, walking through the city after
dinner—she was even helping him look for an apartment. And she had been his lover once upon a
time. He was happier now—even
she could see that.
Saavik
coughed softly.
ÒIÕm
thinking.Ó
ÒIt
is complicated, I take it?Ó
ÒYes. It is. Thank you for the out.Ó She smiled and ate some food so Inquisitor
Saavik would have to wait to ask her next question.
Saavik
trailed her finger through the fountain.
ÒWell, he was not happy and now he is. He will soon be at the Academy, and I
will see him often. I am grateful
that you are in his life since it will keep him in mine.Ó
ÒYou
give me way too much credit.Ó
ÒI
do not think so. I never had a
chance to know the admiral. I would
like to get to know you. Consider
me approving of your relationship—whatever it may be.Ó
##
Chapel
was working at her station when she saw Len stroll into Emergency Ops and come
right over to her. Jan glanced
over, shot Chapel a look that did not bode well for the future, and went back
to work.
ÒSure
is nice to be back on terra firma.Ó
Len gave her a smile that hit a little short of the mark if happiness
was what he was going for. ÒYou got
a sec?Ó
ÒShe
does.Ó Jan gave him a sweet smile:
she was a big fan of the Òsettle down with LenÓ scenario, which was one sheÕd
come up with all on her own once Chapel told her she and Len occasionally were
more than just friends. ÒGo on,
Christine. IÕll cover your comms.Ó
ÒJanice,
you are a peach.Ó He winked at her.
She
winked back.
Everyone
was goddamned winking except for Chapel.
She walked out of Ops, letting him hurry to catch up with her. ÒWhat?Ó
ÒWow. That is not the way you greeted me on Calomis.Ó
ÒCalomis was five months ago.Ó
ÒYep. It sure was.Ó He took her arm, steered her farther
away from Ops. ÒLook, I was
resigned to losing you to Jim once I realized he and Spock were on the
outs. But losing you to Spock?Ó
ÒWho
says IÕm with him?Ó
ÒOh,
youÕre not? Then have dinner with
me tonight. Any restaurant you
want. WeÕll splurge.Ó
ÒOur
dinners lately are usually followed up with sex.Ó
ÒAnd
thatÕs a problem?Ó
She
decided to go for the blunt approach.
ÒWeÕre friends who occasionally fuck, Len. That worked great when we were both on
different ships. Or even when I was
here and you were on a ship. But
put us both on the same planet and that scenario turns into us being a couple,
doesnÕt it?Ó
She
thought heÕd get mad, but he just crossed his arms over his chest and studied
her. ÒSo you are with him.Ó When she started to say something, he
lifted a hand. ÒI see you with him
all the time, Christine. DonÕt lie
to me. My God, woman, after what
those two put you through, youÕre stupid enough to do this?Ó
ÒIÕm
not doing anything.Ó Technically true, since she and Spock still werenÕt having
sex, but in spirit she was with him, and she knew it.
ÒSee,
hereÕs how itÕs going to play out, Christine. And I know this because IÕve been to see
Jim, and I can read him like a book when it comes to his state of mind regarding
his job—or lack thereof. HeÕs
going to get bored with life in Idaho.
HeÕs going to get bored with that lovely, but somewhat dull, woman heÕs
chosen. HeÕs going to start longing
for the stars.Ó
Chapel
felt her mouth tighten.
ÒAnd
for Spock. Not you, though. He wonÕt be longing for you. And what will Spock do when Jim comes
back?Ó
She
looked away, resisting the urge to tell him where he could stick his goddamn
questions.
ÒIÕm
not saying this because IÕm in love you—although I am. ItÕs that I canÕt stand to see a friend
be so blasted crazy when it comes to two men who love each better than they
will ever love her.Ó
ÒAre
you done?Ó
ÒI
am. Good luck to you, darlinÕ. YouÕre
going to need it.Ó
ÒIÕm
sorry if youÕre hurt, Len. But I
made it clear from the start.Ó
ÒYou
made it clear about Jim. This thing
with Spock—itÕs a bit of a sucker punch.Ó
ÒIs
it? Really? I loved him first, you idiot.Ó She turned on her heel and walked away.
Jan
looked up as she came into Ops, took one look at her face, and shook her
head. ÒYouÕre making a
mistake. That man will love you the
way you want to be loved.Ó
ÒBut
I wonÕt love him back. Not the way
heÕll want.Ó She held up a hand
when Jan started to say something.
ÒEnd of story, Jan.Ó
ÒFine.Ó She went back to her comms,
her fingers clicking a little more loudly than necessary on the keyboard.
Chapel
tried to tune her out. What she did
with her life was her business.
##
Another
apartment and Spock was still finding some fault with it. Chapel had never met a pickier man. And she was noticing that something that
was a fault in one was not in another.
Did
he not really want a place of his own?
ÒCome
on, oh finicky one. IÕll buy you
dinner.Ó
He
seemed lost in his own thoughts as they walked to a Japanese restaurant they
both liked, and she told him silly Ops stories to get his mind off the
apartment. He slowly relaxed, his
expression easing, the almost smile appearing more and more.
As
they walked home after dinner, he didnÕt turn to go back to the embassy and she
said, ÒWhatÕs the story here, Spock?Ó
ÒI
wish to go home with you.Ó
ÒAnd
do what?Ó She was grinning but she
kept her head down to hide the smile.
ÒMake
love.Ó
ÒWow. So, I buy you dinner and you get to make
love to me. Cushy deal, mister.Ó
He
nodded, his lips ticking up more than usual.
ÒI
amuse you, donÕt I?Ó
ÒYou
did before, when you were with Jim and me.
You are...light.Ó
ÒIÕm
not really. And I certainly wasnÕt
at the end of our relationship.Ó
ÒBut
at the beginning, you were. I
enjoyed what you brought. It was
uniquely you.Ó
ÒIÕm
gonna say yes to the seduction—you donÕt need
to butter me up.Ó
ÒI
am aware of that.Ó He held the door
to her building for her, pushed the button for the elevator, and stared at her
quite intently as they waited. Once
the doors opened and they were on, he put his arm around her, pulled her close,
a sideways hug charming for its awkward spontaneity.
When
they got to her apartment, she palmed open the door and took his hand, pulling
him into the entryway.
He
eased her against the wall, stroking her hair back, then kissing her more
tenderly than he ever had. ÒI
waited for this because I was mourning.
But I am done grieving for Jim.Ó
ÒGood.Ó
ÒAre
you done grieving?Ó
ÒI
was done a long time ago. He let me
go, remember? He chose you. Him choosing Antonia and not me was just
a momentary twinge on an old scar.
HeÕll never choose me, Spock.Ó
ÒAnd
it appears heÕll never stay with me even if he does choose me.Ó
ÒNot
sure which is worse. I, at least,
got to move on.Ó
ÒI
do not wish to be some sort of friend you occasionally have sex with,
Christine. I did not introduce you
to Saavik to only have you in my life occasionally.Ó
ÒI
know.Ó She started to smile. ÒIs that why none of the apartments have
met with your approval? You want to
move in here?Ó
ÒThat
would be presumptuous of me.Ó
ÒThatÕs
not an answer.Ó
He
stroked her cheek. ÒYes. That is why.Ó
ÒYouÕre
lucky I got a big place. Jan lived
with me for a while.Ó
ÒShe
does not appear favorably disposed toward me at the moment.Ó
ÒGot
that right. But since she doesnÕt
live here anymore, she doesnÕt get a vote on whether or not youÕll be shacking
up with me.Ó She grinned. ÒAre you sure about this?Ó
He
nodded.
ÒDo
you want to sleep in the other room or my room? And before you answer, let me say that
sleeping in my room full time, well I view that as a commitment.Ó
ÒAs
do I.Ó He began to undo her
shirt. ÒI want that. I missed you when you left. I told you then that I probably had
stronger feelings for you than you did for me.Ó
ÒYou
did say that. I didnÕt believe you,
though.Ó
ÒAnd
now?Ó He went to work on making her
bottom half as naked as the top.
ÒIÕm
getting the idea.Ó She started to
laugh. ÒAnd why am I the only one
naked?Ó
ÒBecause
I am the only one doing any work.Ó
His lips ticked up and she pulled him to her and kissed him. Then she eased off his pants and sank to
the floor, pulling him onto her.
He
took her more fiercely than she expected, but he kept his hand behind her head
and kissed her as he moved, as he...claimed her, there was no other word for
it.
He
didnÕt neglect her while he did it, either, his fingers finding the places she
loved to be touched, making her cry out, and dig her fingernails into his back.
He collapsed on top of her, murmuring things she didnÕt expect to hear from him
about how he felt about her, how heÕd missed touching her.
She
knew not to trust things said right after sex, but the way he was saying these
things, as if he wasnÕt fully aware of even speaking, gave them a ring of
truth.
ÒI
love you,Ó she murmured, as she stroked his back and kissed the side of his
head. ÒIÕve missed you, too.Ó
He
eased off her, pulled her up and led her to the bedroom. He pushed her onto the bed and kissed
her, then drew back and stared at her with a strange look. ÒYou loved me first, Christine. Before Jim. Before Leonard.Ó
She
nodded. It was true, after all.
ÒI
had you first. That Pon Farr that I took away. And even after the three of us were
together, I had you first alone.Ó
ÒIs
this important to you?Ó
ÒIt
is. We have a history that is
independent of Jim.Ó
ÒYou
were with Jim when you took me during that Pon Farr.Ó
ÒBut
you did not love him then.Ó
She
took a deep breath, exhaled slowly.
ÒI loved you first. LetÕs
leave it at that, okay? Anything
else gets tangled.Ó
ÒYou
wish to avoid self-delusion. I
appreciate that.Ó He worked his way
down her body, kissing and sucking and making her forget all about
self-delusion and tangled truth.
ÒYou
can move in whenever you want,Ó she said as he was taking her for yet another
torturous climb, stopping before she came, letting her tension ease just enough
before starting again.
ÒThat
is not why IÕm doing this.Ó He
sounded very satisfied.
ÒI
donÕt care why youÕre doing it.
Just let me come.Ó
He
made her wait a very long time.
She
repaid him in kind once sheÕd recovered.
He
moved in the next day.
##
Chapel
was debating what Vulcans took on their pancakes. Saavik had stayed over, and Chapel was
doing the near unthinkable and making a meal rather than ordering or
replicating. Fortunately, she had
been a short order cook in a diner when she was in college. As long as the meal could be cooked on a
griddle, she was set.
Spock
wandered out from the bedroom, checked to see if Saavik was up yet, and then
put his arms around Chapel and kissed her neck.
ÒMaple
syrup? Fresh strawberries?Ó
ÒYou
are asking a question of some sort.Ó
He moved to her ear, making her giggle.
ÒOn
your pancakes, dimwit.Ó She heard
SaavikÕs door open, but he was one step ahead of Chapel as ever, already
pulling away and leaning against the counter as if he hadnÕt just been feeling
her up.
ÒI
have learned to enjoy syrup. In
small quantities.Ó
ÒI
have the good stuff. Pure from
somewhere in New England. None of that
imitation maple crap.Ó
ÒYou
are passionate about this.Ó
ÒDamned
straight.Ó She turned to smile at
Saavik. ÒSo have you learned to like
maple syrup on your pancakes?Ó
ÒYes. Romulans have a sweet tooth.Ó She poured a cup of coffee and added a
lot of sugar, adding weight to her statement. Then she took a seat on one of the
stools on the other side of the counter.
ÒAre you helping in some way, Spock? Or merely distracting her so what will
no doubt be excellent pancakes are delayed?Ó There was a teasing note in her voice
that Chapel loved—and she thought Spock did, too.
ÒI
will let you finish, Christine.Ó He
definitely looked amused.
ÒNot
to worry. Order up.Ó She smiled, it had been ages since sheÕd
cooked for anyone but herself.
They
ate at the counter, Spock next to Saavik and Chapel on his other side. Saavik slathered her pancakes with an
amazing amount of syrup. But the
wonder of pancakes was that no matter how much you put on, they absorbed it.
ÒIÕm
sorry youÕre not hungry, kiddo,Ó Chapel said as she made more and gave nearly
all of them to Saavik. Then she sat
back down and while Saavik ate, leaned lightly against Spock.
He
put his arm around her for a moment, the motion subtle, but Chapel had a
feeling Saavik noticed. Not much
slipped by her. But she didnÕt
comment, and Chapel thought it was because she didnÕt want to say anything to
make Spock uncomfortable—or stop showing Chapel affection.
Chapel
was smitten with the girl and she thought the feeling was mutual. SheÕd always liked kids, and with
Saavik, something just called to her.
ÒAmanda
wants to go shopping. She seems to
think you and I should have more to wear than uniforms.Ó Chapel laughed softly. ÒYou game?Ó
Saavik
nodded. She finished her food, then
turned to Chapel. ÒShe has always
taken me shopping. I think she must
have wanted a daughter to dress up like some kind of doll.Ó
ÒWell,
now she has two of us.Ó Chapel
smiled and leaned in to Spock. ÒDo
you have any suggestions for what I should get?Ó
ÒA
new dress. Since you will not wear
the blue one.Ó
ÒI
told you why.Ó He had wormed it out
of her and had seemed to appreciate her loyalty to Len rather than being
jealous she would not wear it for him.
She did find the dress hanging in the far end of the closet the next
day, however. His equanimity had
limits.
She
wore the green dress for him whenever he wanted. She was done waiting for Jim.
ÒColor
preferences?Ó
ÒNot
blue.Ó His eyebrow went up.
ÒFine. Not blue.Ó
ÒShe
would look good in blue.Ó Saavik
took in SpockÕs look and Chapel shaking her head. ÒIt would compliment her eyes, and
apparently there is a blue dress you would like her to wear, but please, be
illogical and avoid the color.Ó She
refilled her coffee and topped off ChapelÕs, a slight smile playing at her
mouth.
Chapel
had a feeling she would be grilled relentlessly about the moratorium on
blue. She wasnÕt telling the girl a
damn thing.
By
SpockÕs expression and the way he touched her knee under the counter, he knew
that.
##
Spock
had been out on a training cruise for a week and Chapel expected him home very
soon. She found the dress sheÕd
bought—but not when Saavik and Amanda had been around—and put it
on, doing her hair and makeup the way he liked.
To
call it a dress was to be very charitable.
It bared more skin than it covered.
It was a dark magenta, a color he had responded to well when it was in
lingerie. She put a robe on and
hoped to hell his shuttle wasnÕt delayed.
Or
that he didnÕt decide to spontaneously bring home a bunch of cadets.
Fortunately,
that would be very out of character for him. He usually came home from the voyages
drained but horny.
The
door opened, and she didnÕt hear any other voices, so she slipped off the robe,
and stood.
He
came into the main room and his eyebrow went up—way up.
She
grinned at him. ÒPlease tell me
youÕre alone.Ó
ÒI
am.Ó
ÒItÕs
not blue.Ó
ÒIt
is barely a garment.Ó
She
laughed. ÒI know. I did not buy this with your mom and an
impressionable young woman, just in case you were worrying. I went to a different store several days
ago. They do not need to know what
a pervert you are.Ó
ÒThat
I am? I did not buy that
dress.Ó He walked over to her. ÒI am, however, going to remove it from
you. Eventually.Ó He pulled her into his arms, took a
minute to just hold her, and she could feel the tension draining out of him as
she held him.
ÒRough
trip?Ó
ÒI
must be engaged and available at all times. It is emotionally wearing.Ó
ÒI
know. I hate having interns at Ops
for that reason.Ó She stroked his
hair. ÒDo you want me to save the
dress for another night?Ó
He
looked at her like she was a crazy woman, and she laughed.
ÒSorry,
I forgot you were male.Ó
ÒMost
ill advised.Ó He picked her up and
carried her into the bedroom.
The
dress stayed on for the whole time.
She wasnÕt sure, after he got done moving it around to showcase certain
body parts that it would be wearable again, but then this wasnÕt really the
kind of dress you wore out, so that was all right.
They
lay quietly after, and he kissed her gently. ÒI missed you, Christine.Ó
ÒI
missed you, too.Ó She had missed
him. Far more than sheÕd expected
to. Each trip he took seemed to
last longer, the house seemed emptier.
ÒI love having you here, Spock.
IÕm glad you didnÕt want your own place.Ó
ÒAs
am I.Ó He held her tightly. ÒLeonard was less than friendly.Ó
ÒI
know. HeÕs not very friendly to me
right now either. IÕm sorry.Ó She sighed. ÒHe wants me.Ó
ÒAs
he should. You are
exceptional.Ó He turned to lie on
his stomach so she could rub his back.
ÒDo you have any advice for how to act with him? I do not like this current level of
animosity I sense from him but am unsure how to counter it.Ó
ÒGive
it time.Ó She straddled his back
and went to work on muscles that were tighter than she liked. ÒDonÕt talk about me in that Ômy woman
ChristineÕ way.Ó
ÒI
try not to talk about you at all with him.Ó
ÒThat
may be a mistake. Just do what
feels right. He needs to deal with
the fact that IÕm with you now.Ó
She leaned down, kissed his ear the way he liked. She knew he also liked the feeling of
her breasts on his back, her hands running down his arms.
He
sighed in what sounded like a very happy way. ÒI miss this closeness when I am away
from you.Ó
ÒMe,
too.Ó She sat back up, continued
her massage until she heard his breathing change to a light snore. Then she got up, slid the dress off and
put it in the refresher, hoping for the best, then scrubbed off her makeup and
got into bed.
He
rolled to his side, pulled her in and held her close, the way he always
did. She fell asleep in moments,
held safely in his arms, his soft snores more white noise than annoyance.
##
She
stared at her comm screen, looked over at Jan to see
if sheÕd gotten the memo from Ny, too.
ÒOh,
boy,Ó was all Jan said.
ÒGod
fucking damn it.Ó Chapel stood,
motioned for the rover to take her station. ÒIÕll be back in an hour.Ó
ÒWhat
is your problem? You have one ex
running around already, whatÕs another one?Ó
She
ignored Jan, walked out of Ops, and took the elevator to the basement tunnels
that connected Command with the Academy.
She found Spock in his office.
ÒDid you know?Ó
He
looked up from his terminal, turned it to show her he was looking at an
official memo announcing JimÕs reactivation and assignment as admiral in charge
of the Academy. ÒI did not.Ó The look on his face told her he was
telling the truth.
She
sat down in one of his guest chairs and took a ragged breath. ÒIs he still with her?Ó
ÒI
do not know.Ó
She
put her head in her hands and rubbed her forehead hard. ÒGod damn it. EverythingÕs been so good.Ó
ÒThis
changes nothing.Ó
ÒYouÕll
be working together.Ó
ÒYes. Working. That does not have to mean more.Ó
ÒFor
you two, it usually does.Ó She
drummed her fingers on the arm of the chair.
ÒAre
you upset that I might go back to him, or that you canÕt have him if you are
with me?Ó
She
turned to glare at him.
ÒReally? YouÕre going to ask
me that? You live with me. IÕve practically adopted Saavik. I love you. I love her. I love your family. And you ask me that?Ó
He
got up and walked around the desk to sit down next to her. ÒI am sorry. I spoke in anger. I have always known you love him more
than me.Ó
ÒHe
and I never had what I have with you.
I never nursed him through a cold.
IÕve never had him go to the store and buy me ice cream at three am
after a bad night in Ops. IÕve
never known his son the way I know Saavik.
I may have loved him best once.
IÕm not sure thatÕs true anymore.Ó
He
sighed.
ÒWhat
about you? Do you still love him
best?Ó
ÒI
do not know.Ó
ÒWow. ArenÕt we the pair?Ó
ÒWe are a pair, Christine. We would
not be having this conversation if we werenÕt.Ó He touched her back, rubbing gently. ÒWe must promise to be honest with each
other about Jim.Ó
ÒOkay. ThatÕll be fun.Ó She stood up.
ÒStay. Eat lunch with me. We have time.Ó He took her hand. ÒWe can eat outside. It is a beautiful day.Ó
ÒWe
can have a picnic?Ó She pulled him
tightly to her. ÒMaybe heÕs still
with Antonia. Maybe nothing will
change.Ó
ÒNothing
has to change. Except that a friend
of ours has returned.Ó
ÒIf
only he were just a friend.Ó She
kissed him as tenderly as she could.
ÒI love you.Ó
ÒI
love you, too.Ó
She
thought they both sounded a little desperate.
##
The
welcome back party for Jim was crowded.
Chapel looked to see if he was with Antonia, realized he wasnÕt. He had the look of a man alone given the
way Admiral CartwrightÕs current girlfriend was introducing him to people.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit.
Why
couldnÕt Jim have come back with his woman in tow?
ÒHeÕs
alone,Ó she said softly, but not so quietly that Spock wouldnÕt hear her.
ÒSo
it would seem.Ó He eased her away
from the line of people waiting to talk to Jim. At her look, he said, ÒHe is not going
anywhere, is he, Christine?Ó
ÒYou
mean we donÕt have to wait for him.
You want to make him come to you?Ó
ÒTo
us, I believe you mean.Ó
ÒNo,
actually, I said what I meant.Ó She
took a deep breath. ÒGod, see, IÕm
already bitchy, and we havenÕt even talked to him yet.Ó
He
almost smiled and led her to the bar, ordering the wine she liked and water for
himself. ÒDrink. You always feel calmer after one drink.Ó
She
smiled. ÒMeaning two is out of the
question.Ó
ÒYou
tend to speak your mind more after the first glass. I am not sure that is the approach we
want tonight.Ó
She laughed.
ÒWell,
look at you two.Ó Len sidled up
next to Spock and ordered bourbon from the bartender. ÒThick as thieves.Ó
ÒImplying
that one of us stole something?Ó
SpockÕs voice was even as he waited.
ÒActually
it implies that you both did. But
semantics, right?Ó Len turned to
look at Jim. ÒIsnÕt that a sight
for sore eyes? Damn, itÕs good to
have him back. And our boss now,
Spock. I imagine heÕll be stowing
away for some training cruises.Ó
ÒHe
will not have to stow away, as you well know, Doctor.Ó Spock glanced at her, and Chapel knew he
was probably wondering at her lack of a sharp—or any—retort.
She
smiled at him and sipped her wine.
She was not going to give Len the satisfaction. He was hurt and she understood. But understanding didnÕt mean she
intended to fall victim to the McCoy acid treatment.
Ny
came over, gave Chapel a hug and Spock a touch on the arm. ÒGood to see you two here.Ó She shot Chapel a look that she couldnÕt
read.
ÒWouldnÕt
miss it.Ó She gave Ny the same
bland smile she was gifting Len with.
What
the hell was with her friends?
Ny
looked over at Jim, a bit of hero worship in her eyes when she said, ÒI canÕt
believe heÕs back.Ó Her smile made
Chapel want to slap her.
Then
again, Chapel would probably be smiling the same damn way if she wasnÕt trying
to make sure she didnÕt lose the man she was with to the man she used to love.
Did
she still love him? Did love go
away in the face of this kind of fear?
She
was afraid not of Jim himself, but of what he was going to do. Of how heÕd steal Spock back without any
effort.
Was
it low self esteem or just a keen memory of the past and a dose of self
preservation making her think that?
Jim
came over, got a refill on his scotch, and turned to them with a huge
grin. ÒNow hereÕs a sight for sore
eyes.Ó He hugged Ny, gave Spock a
huge grin. It was clear by the way
he smiled at Len that theyÕd been in contact.
Then
he turned to Chapel. He smiled and
pulled her in for a quicker hug than heÕd given Ny. ÒChris.Ó
ÒJim. Welcome back.Ó
ÒThanks.Ó His grin didnÕt waver, but he said, ÒCan
I borrow Spock? I need to talk to
him.Ó
ÒThatÕs
fine.Ó She gave him her most blasŽ
smile.
Ny
looked over at the entrance. ÒOh, I
see Scotty. IÕll be back.Ó
Len
move closer to Chapel. ÒBallsy
move, kid.Ó
ÒHe
just wants to talk.Ó
ÒMan
can charm the birds out of the sky with just talk. But then you know that first hand.Ó He sipped his drink and studied her. ÒJust so you know, I wonÕt be there for
you this time. If it all falls
apart.Ó
ÒDo
you want it to fall apart?Ó
ÒNot
particularly. You seem happy and
IÕm not actually as big an SOB as you seem to think I am. But history is history, honÕ.Ó
She
sighed. ÒI wouldnÕt come to you
again. It wouldnÕt be fair.Ó
ÒAnd
you have been fair—IÕll give you that.Ó
She tried not to drink her wine too fast, took a small sip, and closed her eyes
for a moment.
ÒYou
all right?Ó
She
nodded. ÒYou just might be right,
is all.Ó
ÒWell,
I might be wrong, too. YouÕre not
the only one who seems happy—Spock does, too. You make him happy.Ó
ÒThanks. I donÕt deserve you.Ó
ÒDonÕt
I know it?Ó He gave her a sad
smile. ÒWe were good,
Christine. I think you made a
mistake.Ó
ÒThe
heart wants what the heart wants.Ó
ÒYeah,
that would make sense if youÕd ended up with Jim. But weÕre not talking about Jim, are
we?Ó
She
shrugged, then looked up as Spock came back to her. He seemed to assess the level of her wine
and gave her the soft look that was his version of a humanÕs reassuring smile.
ÒItÕs
good to have him back?Ó she asked.
He
nodded. ÒI missed my friend.Ó He put no special emphasis on the word
friend, yet somehow it was there, and she smiled. Spock turned to Len. ÒAre you not glad Jim is back?Ó
ÒBut
of course, Spock.Ó Len shot him a
look that was pure good old boy.
ÒBut then IÕm not the one he left, now am I?Ó His expression stayed friendly.
Acid. Pure goddamned acid.
##
Chapel
sat back and watched Sarek and Saavik having an animated—for two
Vulcans—discussion over a recent Federation ruling. She looked over at Spock, saw him glance
fondly at Saavik—she could hold her own against Sarek without ever sounding
like she didnÕt love him, something Chapel knew Spock wished he could
emulate. His disagreements with
Sarek always turned a little sharp.
She
realized Amanda was studying her, a look she wasnÕt sure how to interpret on
her face. Then she smiled—her
normal radiant smile—and turned away to say something to a server.
As
Saavik wound down and before Sarek could work up his next counterargument,
Amanda said, ÒSo, how is it having Jim back?Ó
Saavik
looked like Amanda had punched her.
SarekÕs eyes narrowed slightly.
Spock,
however, said, ÒIt is good to have him back.Ó
Chapel
realized Amanda didnÕt seem to care what Chapel thought. ÒI was surprised he came back. He seemed so resolved on retirement.Ó
Amanda
smiled gently. ÒIÕm not surprised
at all. The man belongs in the
stars.Ó
ÒPoetic.Ó Chapel glanced at Sarek, who shook his
head at her slightly.
ÒShall
we retire to the salon?Ó Amanda said, getting up so it was really not a
question.
Spock
and Saavik followed her, but Sarek hung back and Chapel stayed with him.
ÒWhat
the hell was that?Ó She knew she
was turning red. ÒI didnÕt realize
she was such a fan of JimÕs.Ó
ÒShe
has always been fond of him.Ó Sarek
sighed and drew Chapel into the hall so the servers could clear the table. ÒAnd of his relationship with Spock.Ó
ÒShe
doesnÕt like me?Ó
ÒI
did not say that. She does like
you, Christine. She knows you have
been good for Spock—especially when it comes to nights such as this. Since you came into his life, we are a
family in a way we have not been before.Ó
ÒBut
the way she brought him up. It
seemed like a slap.Ó Chapel looked
down. She should not be criticizing
Amanda to him.
ÒI
agree. It did.Ó He seemed to take in her look of
surprise and raised an eyebrow. ÒIf
what you say is true, should I disagree?Ó
She
smiled. ÒI was surprised at the
dinner invitation. I thought you
were heading back to Vulcan.Ó
ÒWe
were. But I heard Kirk was back
and...found my plans were flexible.Ó
Chapel
closed her eyes. ÒSo IÕm not the
only one who thinks my relationship with Spock has a shelf life? Was this our last hurrah—the wacky
family dinner before the break-up?Ó
ÒIf
I thought the conclusion was foregone, I would offer you condolences, not
dinner.Ó His tone was sharper than
sheÕd ever heard it. ÒBut if you
give up before the fight has even begun, then perhaps I should not have
bothered to try to remind Spock what he would be leaving if he were to choose
another.Ó
ÒSo
you think the possibility that heÕll leave is there?Ó
ÒThere
are always possibilities, Christine.
It is the way of life. It is
how attractive or not those possibilities appear that determine the likelihood
they will be chosen. And if there
are steps I can take to ensure you seem the most attractive alternative, I will
do that.Ó
ÒYou
surprise me.Ó
ÒI
do not know why. I have never tried
to hide how fond I am of you. Or
how much I approve of your relationship with my son.Ó
ÒAre
you two coming?Ó Amanda stood at
the end of the hall; she gave them another of her radiant smiles.
Chapel suddenly realized it looked very much like one of JimÕs—when he
wasnÕt being particularly sincere.
##
Spock
was out on another training cruise and Jim had chosen to observe this
time. Chapel decided to work late;
the apartment felt cold and empty, and she knew she was in the wrong kind of
mood to be sitting in it alone thinking about the two of them together,
reconnecting.
ÒI
thought I would find you here.Ó
Saavik stood behind her, stealthy as the little cat Spock sometimes
called her. ÒI am hungry and have
no credits.Ó
Chapel
laughed. ÒWhere did they go?Ó
ÒI
used them to convince another cadet to rent me her study carrel. My roommate is noisy and enjoys loud
music.Ó
ÒI
had one of those. Hated it.Ó
ÒSo
you empathize. Can we go now?Ó
Chapel
nodded and turned off the spare terminal sheÕd taken when the shifts
changed. ÒWhat are you in the mood
for?Ó
ÒRomulan steak.Ó
At ChapelÕs look of surprise, Saavik shrugged. ÒIt was a thing they used on Hellguard as a reward.Ó
ÒA
reward for what?Ó
ÒWhatever
they decided they wanted us to do.Ó
Saavik met her eyes.
ÒSomeday, I promise, I will tell you about the planet I grew up on. But I do not want to tonight.Ó
ÒOkay. I canÕt offer you Romulan
steak but I know a place that beams their steaks in from Honduras. Best beef ever.Ó
ÒIt
is tempting, but I do not think it best that I revert to carnivore after so
long denying that urge.Ó
ÒNot
a problem. WeÕll do Chinese,
then? IÕm in the mood.Ó
Saavik
nodded. As they walked to the restaurant,
she asked, ÒAdmiral Kirk accompanied Spock on this training cruise, did he not?Ó
ÒYep.Ó
ÒAre
you not...upset at this?Ó
ÒIÕm
not doing cartwheels.Ó
Saavik
looked confused.
ÒIÕm
not happy.Ó
ÒAh. Idiomatic expressions are the most
difficult to master.Ó
ÒYou
do pretty well, kiddo.Ó Chapel
smiled at her, meaning it. Saavik
used the ÒI am Vulcan, therefore you make no senseÓ ploy to get her out of
things she did not want to do, but she understood humans quite well. ÒIÕm not happy, but I have to trust
Spock.Ó
ÒI
understand that you have no choice but to try to do that, but do you trust him?Ó
Chapel
nodded, not letting any hesitation get in the way. It might be a little bit of a lie, but
Saavik didnÕt need to know that.
ÒEnough about me. Talk about
you. You know that you can always
come to the apartment if you need to study, right?Ó
ÒWould
I not be intruding?Ó
ÒPlease.Ó She grinned at Saavik. ÒAnd would I tell you if you were? When I was young, I always thought that
parents should have gender, not sex.Ó
ÒI
will remember that one. A diverting
play on words.Ó She looked at
Chapel searchingly. ÒIs that how
you think of yourself—as my parent?Ó
Chapel
realized sheÕd said that without thinking.
ÒI guess I do. Do you mind?Ó
ÒNo,
Christine, I do not mind.Ó In fact,
Saavik looked very pleased. ÒDid
you ever want children of your own?Ó
ÒYes. When I was engaged to Roger, we used to
talk about having two or three. It
didnÕt happen, obviously.Ó
ÒYou
and Spock could—Ó
ÒItÕs
not the time.Ó She thought her
voice was firm enough to make Saavik abandon the topic.
ÒI
think you would be a good mother.Ó
ÒI
like kids. I like adult kids, too. And now IÕve got one, so look at me,
skipping the messy baby stage and going right to you.Ó She grinned at Saavik. ÒCan I ask a question?Ó
ÒOf
course.Ó
ÒWhy
did you and Jim not interact more when you were younger?Ó
SaavikÕs expression changed. ÒI do
not know. I have always believed
that he wanted Spock to himself. I
was given to understand they were not open about their relationship on the ship. When they could get away together, they
did. I was not...welcome.Ó
ÒDidnÕt
they come to Vulcan?Ó
ÒNot
often. And I was jealous of him, so
I was perhaps not at my best when he was around. Sarek would often take me to the desert
or the tall grass fields and let me run like a savage until the anger had
fled.Ó
ÒSarek
would? Not Amanda?Ó
ÒIt
is ironic, is it not? She is so
forgiving of SpockÕs lapses, yet she found me very hard to handle when I acted
like a savage. Sarek never feared
me. On Hellguard,
that counted for everything.Ó
ÒI
love Sarek.Ó Chapel smiled at
her. ÒI love that heÕs good to
you.Ó
ÒAnd
to you.Ó
ÒYes,
and to me.Ó The emotional ground
they were on seemed deep and potentially maudlin, so she asked, ÒHow often do
you crave meat?Ó
Saavik
lifted an eyebrow, suddenly a picture perfect Vulcan. ÒChanging the subject that abruptly is
hardly subtle, Christine.Ó
ÒNo
one has ever accused me of being subtle, toots.Ó
##
Chapel
heard the door to the apartment open, then SpockÕs familiar footsteps coming
across the living room. She sat up,
said, ÒYouÕre back.Ó
ÒI
am.Ó He was shucking his clothes
off as he came toward her, letting his uniform lay where it fell. ÒI have missed you.Ó
She
threw the covers off and pulled him down to her, kissing him almost
frantically.
ÒChristine,Ó
he said, pulling away. ÒWe have
time. There is no need to rush.Ó
ÒI
missed you.Ó
ÒYou
are broadcasting distress, not passion.
What is it?Ó
She
pulled away some. ÒYou wonÕt like
it.Ó
ÒPerhaps
I should be the judge of that?Ó He
moved so he was lying next to her, drew her into his arms, and dragged the
covers back over them.
ÒIÕm
jealous.Ó
He
leaned back against the padded headboard.
ÒIf you cannot trust me, Christine, we will not endure.Ó
ÒYou
think I donÕt know that? But I
liked him best once—is it such a stretch for me to worry that you might
still feel that way?Ó
ÒI
am not with him. I am with
you.Ó He sounded like he was
teaching a slow child a very simple concept.
ÒPossession hasnÕt been nine-tenths of the law
for some time.Ó
He slipped out the other side of the bed, went
to the closet, and pulled on a robe.
ÒI can see you are in no mood to be welcoming.Ó He went out to the living room, closing
the door behind him.
She lay there a moment, then got up and followed
him. He was in the kitchen, pouring
a glass of water.
ÒIÕm sorry.Ó
ÒI do not have the energy for a protracted
discussion on my fidelity or lack thereof.
I am tired, Christine. I
wanted to come home and be with you.
That is all I can say.Ó
She walked over to him, ran her hand down his
chest. ÒI know. IÕm just a little bit neurotic these
days.Ó She took the glass from him
and put it down, then pulled him to her and gave him the best kiss she could.
He lifted her nightgown, began to touch her as
they kissed. When her knees
buckled, he supported her with his other hand. ÒYou must trust me.Ó
ÒI want to.
I swear I do.Ó She had her
head back, felt the tension building and building. ÒI wouldnÕt be so crazy if I didnÕt love
you.Ó
He silenced her with a kiss, muffling the sounds
of her coming, then pushed her onto the counter and lifted his robe up. He was a little bit wild with his
thrusting, and Chapel imagined it was impatience with her causing him to take
her this way.
ÒIÕm sorry,Ó she murmured as he moved, said it
again as he clutched at her and found his release. ÒI love you.Ó
ÒAnd I love you, Christine.Ó He didnÕt let her down off the counter,
stayed inside her, pulling her legs up to wrap higher around his waist. Then he went back to work on her,
becoming ready for her as he played, until she was about to go again and then
he started to move inside her.
She moaned and this time he didnÕt try to muffle
her cries or his own when he came again.
He held her tightly, rubbing his hand down her back. ÒIt is good to be home.Ó
ÒItÕs good to have you home.Ó
ÒWe do not have another training cruise for a month. Ample time for you to tire of me being
constantly underfoot.Ó
She smiled.
ÒNot likely.Ó
##
Chapel
came out of Ops and saw Jim talking with Cartwright in the hall. He patted Cartwright on the arm, then
turned to her. ÒJust the person I
wanted to see.Ó
She
waited until her boss had gone back into Ops, then said, ÒHavenÕt seen you
much. Been hiding out?Ó
ÒNot
being around you doesnÕt imply hiding out, Chris.Ó He gave her a smile she didnÕt like.
ÒWe
know each other too well, Jim.
LetÕs cut the crap.Ó
He
motioned her to a bench near the window.
ÒBy all means, letÕs.Ó
She
didnÕt want to sit, felt like she was giving ground, but he sat and it would
have looked odd to keep standing.
She sank down onto the hard cushion. These benches were for brief stops, not
long, lingering conversations.
There were much more comfortable chairs in the cafeteria, and the
sitting areas scattered around, for long chats.
A
brief stop was fine with her.
ÒYou
seem threatened by me.Ó His tone
was light, but his eyes were steel.
ÒGive
me a reason not to be.Ó She stared
him down, knew he was surprised when she didnÕt look away.
ÒSpockÕs
with you.Ó
She
laughed, a horrible sound that filled the space for a moment. ÒI remember a time when you had just
left the woman you ran to after Spock.
I was there, remember? I saw
your single-minded devotion to finding one good opportunity to steal back your
ship. Spock wasnÕt there, so you
couldnÕt just take him. But the
ship?
ÒNow,
here we are, years later, and youÕre right back where you were. No woman. No Spock. No ship. The shipÕs out of reach this time, but
Spock?Ó She sat up a little
straighter. ÒExcuse me for feeling
more than a little like Will Decker, standing between you and what you want.Ó
His
expression changed, grew tighter, his skin flushed. ÒI didnÕt think you thought so little of
me.Ó He leaned in closer. ÒThere was a time I was all you thought
about. DonÕt you love me anymore,
Chris?Ó His tone was mocking,
payback for her comment about Decker, no doubt.
ÒWhat
I do or donÕt feel for you is irrelevant.Ó
ÒNot
to me. Not to Spock. Not to Bones. Quite the collection of men you
have. IÕm surprised you havenÕt
added Cartwright to your list.Ó
She
was about to say she didnÕt sleep with her boss, but clearly that wasnÕt always
true. ÒIÕm a different woman now. I learned a lot that second time around
on the Enterprise.Ó
He
didnÕt reply, just studied her.
Then he said, ÒAre you turning Saavik against me?Ó
She
laughed, this time the sound one of true surprise and amusement. ÒMe? You did that all on your own, Jim. Why? What has she said?Ó
ÒItÕs
not what sheÕs said.
SheÕs...prickly.Ó
ÒMaybe
you should have gotten to know her back in the day. Maybe then youÕd be Jim and not Admiral
Kirk.Ó She shrugged.
ÒSo
you admit sheÕs on your side.Ó
ÒI
admit nothing. I learned that from
you.Ó She gave him a mean little
half smile.
ÒAnd
Sarek? HeÕs colder than usual when
he sees me.Ó
ÒLook,
your inability to forge meaningful ties with two thirds of the people in
SpockÕs family are not my concern.
You had your chance.Ó
He
smiled, the smile you give someone when youÕre playing a game and find out
theyÕre much better than they let on.
ÒOps has changed you.Ó
ÒYes,Ó
she said, getting up. ÒIt
has.Ó She walked away from him,
knowing the whole time that it hadnÕt changed her enough to not be
scared—or to not have enjoyed that sparring match a little too much.
She
would have enjoyed it more if sheÕd actually won.
##
She
watched as Spock threw together the items he would need for the training
cruise. She was already in a mood
and watching him get ready wasnÕt helping it.
ÒThis
is SaavikÕs cruise. Does Jim have
to be there?Ó
ÒHer
cruise? The other cadets might take
issue with that concept.Ó He turned
to look at her. ÒShe is but one of
many.Ó
ÒSheÕs
not, and you know it. SheÕs your
daughter for all intents and purposes.Ó
ÒAnd
yours then by extension?Ó
He
sounded curious rather than cutting.
ÒYes,
and mine. Do you not think so?Ó
ÒI
do. I was just unsure how far you
felt your responsibilities to her went.Ó
She
got up and walked to the window.
ÒAll the way. And thatÕs why
IÕm going to say this. Tell Jim not
to come. She wonÕt want him there.Ó
ÒI
am aware that you do not approve of how...compartmented my life was prior to
being with you. I regret now not
including Saavik more when I was with Jim.
But I did not, and this is what is.
If Saavik cannot put aside her feelings with a Starfleet admiral, then I
worry for her career.Ó
ÒOf
course sheÕll put them aside. But
why should she have to?Ó She turned
to look at him. ÒShe really does
lose every time, doesnÕt she?Ó That
didnÕt bode well for Chapel if his foster daughter couldnÕt come first with him.
He
put down the robe he was folding and said, ÒAre you doing this for her or for
you?Ó
ÒYou
put me in her life. She talks to
me. SheÕs not comfortable with Jim
because you two didnÕt include her.Ó
ÒWell
this will be an opportunity for her to become at ease with him.Ó
ÒYouÕre
deliberately missing my point.Ó
No,
the point is clear. You are
jealous. You are using Saavik as
proxy—or possibly pawn. And I
do not appreciate it.Ó
ÒYou donÕt? IÕm in her life more than you are these
days, Spock. Why is that? She loves you like a daughter. SheÕs a wonderful young woman. Why canÕt you see that?Ó
ÒI
see that quite clearly. Saavik is
dear to me. But I will not have you
become her mouthpiece, and a biased one at that. Drop this, Christine.Ó
ÒFine. Go out and have a great time with
Jim—does he ever stay at his desk and do real work? Or does he just tag along with you or
harass me?Ó
SpockÕs
look changed. ÒYou?Ó
She
hadnÕt meant to say that.
ÒI
was not aware you two had spoken.Ó
She was unsure if she was hearing anger, jealousy, or some mix of both in
his voice.
ÒIt
wasnÕt to whisper sweet nothings in each otherÕs ears, Spock. He...well, honestly, IÕm not sure what
he wanted. To intimidate me maybe.Ó
She waved whatever he was going to
say away. ÒLook, forget it,
okay? Just...try to be nice to
Saavik.Ó
ÒWhy
would I treat her in any manner but a proper one?Ó
ÒBecause
sometimes when Jim is around, you donÕt see anyone else.Ó
ÒI
could say the same for you when he is around.Ó
ÒReally? I sit here paranoid cruise after cruise,
and you think IÕm only mooning over Jim?Ó
ÒThis
is not getting us anywhere. I am
going to report to the ship now. I
will hope that you are in a better mood when I get back.Ó He walked over, gave her a quick kiss on
the lips, and left.
Fled
might be more accurate.
##
Chapel
was finishing up a comm with Starfleet Medical when
she saw Cartwright talking softly to Jan.
They looked over at her, then quickly looked away.
She
turned back to her screen; she didnÕt have the time or energy to worry about
what they were talking about. Not
when they had a crisis on their hands and a ship full of cadets—including
one she loved—to handle it.
Jan
was suddenly behind her, touching her gently, too gently. She said, ÒCome with me,Ó and didnÕt
bother to get someone to watch either of their stations.
ÒWhatÕs
going on? We donÕt have time for
this.Ó Then she heard Jan sniff,
saw the somber look on CartwrightÕs face, and said, ÒWhatÕs happened? The ship?Ó
ÒSurvived. Jim survived. A good number of the
cadets.Ó
ÒKhan?Ó
ÒGone. Dead.Ó He swallowed hard. ÒChristine, why donÕt you come in
here?Ó
Jan
was pushing her from behind, into his office, down to a chair. ÒSpock. He didnÕt make it, honey.Ó
ÒWhat?Ó She started to stand up, but Jan held
her place.
ÒHe
gave his life to save the ship.Ó
Cartwright looked down, then walked to his desk and brought up something
on the terminal. ÒDo you want to
read the battle damage assessment?Ó
ÒNo,
I donÕt want to read the fucking BDA.
How did he die? Why?Ó Spock was supposed to outlive
her—outlive all of them. What
the hell were they talking about: dead?
He
couldnÕt be dead. Not when their
last conversation had been so...ugly.
Not when sheÕd barely kissed him back—that was their last
goddamned kiss? ÒItÕs a mistake.Ó
ÒItÕs
not, Christine.Ó Jan put her arms
around her. ÒI can take her home,
sir.Ó
ÒIÕm
not going home. I canÕt go
home. IÕll stay here. Here is good.Ó
ÒIÕll
take her to my place, sir.Ó
ÒThank
you, Janice.Ó
Chapel
didnÕt resist as Jan pulled her up and led her out. They walked the blocks in silence, and
Jan didnÕt touch her, but Chapel could tell she was watching her
closely—ready to reach out, no doubt, if she crumbled.
She
wasnÕt going to crumble. But she
did feel as if someone had plunked her down in the middle of a foggy night, and
she couldnÕt see more than a few inches beyond her face.
Spock
was dead? He couldnÕt be.
Saavik. Oh, God, was she one of the cadets who
hadnÕt made it? Why hadnÕt she asked? ÒJan, Saavik?Ó
ÒSheÕs
fine. Admiral Cartwright checked.Ó
ÒOh. Thank God.Ó She stopped walking, felt Jan gently rub
her back. ÒI didnÕt lose
everything. When will she be back?Ó
ÒShe
wonÕt. SheÕs assigned to the
Grissom to study the planet we canÕt talk about now. SheÕs with David Marcus.Ó
How
fitting. His son. SpockÕs daughter. History repeating? She felt as if taking another step would
be her undoing, so she leaned up against the wall of the building they were
next to, focused on breathing.
ÒIs
Sarek on Earth? Do you want to go
to him?Ó
Chapel
frowned. ÒWhy him. Why not Amanda and him?Ó
ÒYou
never talk about Amanda, Christine.
ItÕs always Sarek this and Sarek that.Ó
ÒOh. ThatÕs not good. I like her. I think she likes me.Ó
ÒWhy
wouldnÕt she like you?Ó Jan urged
her to walk and Chapel finally moved.
ÒDo you want to stop by your place and get some meds? Maybe you have something that will help
you sleep?Ó
ÒNo. I need to be alert. If they need me.Ó
ÒOkay.Ó Jan sighed. ÒLetÕs get you somewhere safe where you
can cry in peace.Ó
ÒI
love you, Jan. IÕm sorry if IÕm not
a good friend.Ó Why hadnÕt she told
Jan what was really going on? Why
did her best friend know nothing about Jim and Spock and ChapelÕs involvement
with them both?
ÒYouÕre
a great friend, Christine. DonÕt
even think about it right now.Ó
They
walked slowly, Jan rubbing her back as they went, every now and then saying,
ÒIÕm so sorry.Ó
##
Chapel
hurried into LenÕs apartment building.
She saw Jim waiting for her, pacing the lobby.
He
looked...done. Finished. Exhausted beyond all measure. And hopeless.
SheÕd never seen him hopeless before.
She didnÕt like what she was seeing. It reminded her too much of what she saw
now when she looked in the mirror.
ÒChris.Ó He looked at her like he
couldnÕt figure out if she was friend or foe.
She
hurried to him, said, ÒShhh,Ó very softly as she
turned them both and walked with him to the elevator.
ÒSomethingÕs
wrong with Bones.Ó He pulled her
into his arms. ÒSpock—IÕm
sorry, I let him—Ó
ÒYou
didnÕt let him do anything. I saw
the logs. He did what he had to
do.Ó
Jim
nodded, seemed to realize he was holding her and let her go. ÒIÕm sorry.Ó
ÒQuit
saying that.Ó She grabbed his hand
and held on, leading him down to LenÕs apartment.
ÒOf
course you know where it is.Ó
ÒHe
was my friend.Ó
ÒHe
was more than that, and we both know it.Ó
ÒHe
was less than Spock and you were.
Now, letÕs stop talking about it.
Tell me whatÕs going on with him.Ó
ÒStarfleet
Medical couldnÕt find anything.
Thought it was some kind of post-traumatic stress. TheyÕve got him pretty tranked up.Ó
ÒYou
want a second opinion?Ó
ÒYeah.Ó He looked down. ÒHe sounded...he sounded like Spock to
me, on the ship. HeÕs not the only
one with trauma, I guess.Ó
She
took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. ÒI donÕt know what to say. WhatÕs the protocol when youÕre talking
to your dead loverÕs—and your—ex?Ó She laughed, a slightly hysterical sound
she wanted to call back as soon as she let it out.
ÒShould
I have left you alone? Would that
have been the right thing?Ó
ÒI
think weÕre making this up as we go along.Ó She palmed open LenÕs door and she saw a
knowing look on JimÕs face. ÒLet me
go in alone. He may act differently
around me.Ó
ÒIÕll
say thatÕs certain, isnÕt it?Ó His
voice was harsh, then he shook his head, his expression becoming contrite. ÒShit. IÕm sorry. IÕm just...Ó He shook his head.
ÒYouÕre
leveled. Go back to your
place. I can take this from
here. IÕll let you know if I think
Starfleet Medical is wrong.Ó
He
started to protest and she cut him off.
ÒSleep,
Jim. When was the last time you did?Ó
ÒI
canÕt remember.Ó
ÒGo.Ó She waited until he walked into the
elevator and the doors closed before going into LenÕs apartment.
He
wasnÕt in bed when she went into his room, so she looked in the bathroom. Nothing. Before she could turn around, she felt
him behind her.
ÒA
nice surprise.Ó He sounded like a
man whoÕd woken from a long sleep, his voice raspy and deeper than normal. She could see how Jim had thought it was
Spock.
He
wrapped his arms around her, pulling her against him. ÒIÕve missed this.Ó
ÒLen,
stop it.Ó
He
let her go, lifted one eyebrow and said, ÒYou would deny me?Ó
ÒWhat
the hell are you doing? YouÕre
hitting on me when Spock is dead.Ó
ÒWhy
did you leave me? Take me back.Ó
She
stared at him. He
looked...wrong. His expression
wild. She pushed him toward the
bed. ÒYou need to rest.Ó
ÒI
need to go home.Ó
ÒYou
are home, Len. Please rest. For me? All right?Ó
ÒFor
you. Yes.Ó He touched her cheek and stroked it, a
tender expression on his face.
ÒChristine.Ó
She
waited until he was asleep and then checked his vitals. Nothing seemed wrong other than
exhaustion.
SheÕd
brought some hypos with her.
Checked to see what and how much the doctor from Starfleet Medical had
given him, and then gave him something else, something stronger.
He
seemed to relax, really sleep, and she touched his arm. ÒIÕm sorry, Len. IÕm sorry I canÕt love you the way you
want me to.Ó
##
A
chime at her apartment door woke her.
She slipped a robe on over her nightgown and walked out to see who it
was.
Jim
stood at the door, holding a container.
ÒI brought bagels. You used
to love these.Ó
ÒI
still do.Ó She let him in.
ÒI
thought youÕd come by last night.
Let me know how Bones was.Ó
ÒYou
needed sleep more than an update.Ó
She took the container from him and got some plates. ÒHeÕs a mess. But stress can present in many ways,
especially after what youÕve been through.
You werenÕt wrong in thinking that youÕre suffering from it, too.Ó
He
nodded, began to wander through the main room, picking up things that were
SpockÕs.
She
realized sheÕd clenched her teeth and forced herself to stop. He could look. Watching him do that wasnÕt going to hurt
her more than she was hurting already.
ÒMakes
you mad. Me doing this.Ó Jim shot her a look that told her he
knew exactly what she was thinking.
ÒHe chose you, Chris. And I
tried to get him back.Ó
ÒDid
you? I thought so but I wasnÕt
sure.Ó
ÒYeah. When do I ever give up?Ó He seemed to slump. ÒWhen do I lose?Ó
ÒWe
both lost.Ó
ÒHeÕs
gone.Ó Jim put down the Vulcan pot
heÕd been holding, setting it carefully back where it belonged. ÒItÕs a weird feeling to hate someone
you also love. I hate—hated
you.Ó
ÒI
know. I felt that way about both
you and Spock when I left.Ó
He
nodded, then shook his head when she tried to hand him a bagel. ÒIÕm not hungry.Ó
ÒYou
bring food you wonÕt eat. Ask for
information that could have been easily delivered via comm
line. Why are you here? To see his things? To get some part of him back?Ó
ÒWould
that be so bad?Ó He rubbed his
eyes. Then he gave her a hard look
and walked into her bedroom.
ÒNo.Ó She followed him, ready to stop him
before he could open the closet, before he could bury his face in SpockÕs
clothes the way sheÕd been doing.
But
he didnÕt seem to want in the closet.
He picked up a stick of SpockÕs incense, held it to his nose and
breathed in deeply. ÒThis scent. ItÕs everything about him, isnÕt it?Ó
She
nodded.
ÒYour
scent is that perfume you always wear. Jasmine and tuberose. Heavy flowers that somehow turn light
and fresh on you.Ó He turned to
her, swallowed hard. ÒWhat do I
smell like? What makes me special?Ó
She
moved closer. ÒYou smell like
campfires and mountain winds.Ó
He
smiled. ÒNot on the ship.Ó
ÒJuniper
and amber and sandalwood, then. Your
cologne.Ó She touched his
hand. ÒNot unlike this incense.Ó
ÒThatÕs
not me. That was on purpose. No one would notice I reeked of SpockÕs
incense if I already smelled that way.Ó
She
smiled. Of course. Always one step ahead.
He
rubbed his eyes again.
ÒDid
you sleep at all?Ó
ÒNo.Ó He looked ready to fall down.
She
almost hated that she cared about that.
She was tired, too. She was
sad, just like him. Who was going
to take care of her?
Who was going to push her onto the bed, slip off her shoes, and get a robe of
SpockÕs to lay over her? So sheÕd
have the smell with her the way Jim did now.
He
pulled the robe closer, then looked up at her. ÒChris.Ó
She
realized she was crying.
ÒChris,
IÕm sorry.Ó He pulled her down,
onto the robe—Spock still between them. ÒIÕm so sorry.Ó He traced her cheek, then leaned in,
kissing where her tears tracked down, pulling her closer. ÒHe was ours, Chris. Ours.Ó
She
cried harder, clung to him, didnÕt say anything when comforting kisses changed
to frantic ones, when his lips found hers instead of following the tears on her
cheek.
They came together, SpockÕs robe underneath them, the smell of his incense
rising up as they moved.
Afterwards,
they lay silently, not touching.
ÒIÕm
sorry,Ó he murmured, then got up, refastened his clothes, and put his shoes on.
ÒItÕs
all right. Just please go.Ó She felt guilt adding itself to the pile
of emotions she was already feeling:
grief over Spock, worry for her friends, shame that her last words to
Spock had been angry ones.
She
heard the door open and close, then the apartment was silent. She rolled over and clutched SpockÕs
robe to her as she cried.
##
The
next afternoon, her chime rang, and she went to open it, expecting to see Jim.
It
was Sarek.
ÒOh,
thank God.Ó She hugged him on
instinct, then realized what sheÕd done.
ÒIÕm so sorry.Ó
He
eased her back inside and followed her. ÒI am not offended. I know you are in pain.Ó
She
nodded. ÒI wasnÕt nice to Spock,
Sarek. The day he left. We werenÕt fighting, exactly, but I was
jealous and tired and I said things that—Ó
ÒThat
are not what you wish your last words to him would have been?Ó
ÒYes.Ó She stood behind the counter and he took
a seat on one of the stools. ÒDo
you want anything? Coffee, water,
food?Ó
ÒI
am fine, Christine. I came to speak
to you of something important. Come
sit.Ó
She
sat next to him.
ÒDo
you know what a katra is?Ó
ÒSpock
told me.Ó She tried to remember his
words. ÒSomewhere between soul and
mind, the essence of a person.Ó
ÒYes. Just exactly. At the time of death, if at all
possible, a Vulcan puts his or her katra in another person via a mind
meld. The recipient returns the
katra to Vulcan, to Mount Seleya, to the sanctuary of
emplacement. That way, nothing is
lost even when we cease to exist.Ó
ÒDoes
it require a Vulcan?Ó
ÒNo. A human can be suitable. For a short time only though. The power of the katra is detrimental to
a humanÕs mental and emotional stability.
I believe that the logical thing would have been for Spock to meld with
Kirk. They were together when my
son died from what I have been told.Ó
She
nodded. ÒYes. They were. Always together.Ó She took a deep breath: her pity parade
could wait. ÒYou need to go see Jim. HeÕs having a get together tonight, the
old senior staff.Ó
ÒAre
you not invited?Ó
ÒNo. I heard about it from my friend
Nyota. She didnÕt realize I wasnÕt
on the guest list when she asked if I was going.Ó She sighed. ÒGo break up their party, Sarek. Go find whatever is left of Spock and
take him home.Ó
Sarek
stood. ÒTime will be of the
essence. I will not have a chance
to say goodbye.Ó
ÒThatÕs
all right. I wonÕt take it
personally.Ó
He
touched her cheek, holding his hand against her skin much longer than she
expected. ÒI grieve with thee,
Christine.Ó
She
put her hand over his. ÒI know you
do. IÕm so sorry.Ó
##
Chapel
heard Cartwright say, ÒWhat in the hell does he think he is doing?Ó
She
got up and walked into his office.
ÒYou all right, sir?Ó
ÒJimÕs
lost his damned mind, Christine.
HeÕs stealing the Enterprise.Ó
ÒFrom
space dock?Ó
ÒSo
it would appear.Ó
She
frowned. DidnÕt Sarek have a
diplomatic ship he could have flown them out on once he found SpockÕs katra? Why were they hijacking the Enterprise?
They
walked out to the main viewscreen. ÒSpace dock exit camera on main screen
now.Ó Cartwright barked the order
in the Òmove slowly at your perilÓ tone he didnÕt use very often.
The screen was filled with a shot that took her aback. The Enterprise,
relentlessly heading for the space dock doors—doors that were closed.
ÒSheÕs
going to crash,Ó Jan said.
Suddenly
the doors began to open. Chapel
glanced over at Jan to see if she had done anything to get them open, but she
was still staring at the viewscreen, her look of
alarm changing to one of pleased surprise.
ÒThe Excelsior will get her,Ó someone
said. Chapel looked around, unsure
who had said it. No one looked back
at her, all eyes were on the screen.
But
Excelsior didnÕt get her. The Enterprise
cleared space dock and warped away while the bright shining hope lay dead in
space.
What
the hell was going on?
##
Spock
was alive. She didnÕt understand
and didnÕt care how it had happened now that she knew it was true.
He wasnÕt dead. But according to
Sarek he wasnÕt himself yet, either.
SheÕd
tried to get leave to go to Vulcan, to see him for herself.
Cartwright
had looked angry when heÕd denied her request—but not at her. ÒIÕm sorry, Christine. IÕd let you go if it were up to me, but
itÕs not. Starfleet Command is
blistering mad at Jim. If you leave
now—to join a group Starfleet deems traitors—your career will be
over.Ó
She
was at home, thinking about that. Jim would tell them to stuff their
ultimatums and go anyway. Nothing
would keep him away. Should she be
more like him?
Her
comm terminal pinged that a message had come in, and
she looked at the screen.
ÒTravel
orders approved. Vulcan ship
waiting. Apologies for
mix-up.Ó It was signed Admiral
Morrow, Starfleet Command.
Her
comm line rang, the sound for a call, not a message,
and she answered.
It
was Sarek. ÒI have a ship waiting
for you.Ó
ÒSo
I see. When I asked, they said no.Ó
ÒYou
forgot to tell them you were SpockÕs mate.
That your presence was integral to his recovery.Ó
ÒI
did forget to mention that.
Primarily because IÕm not his wife.Ó
ÒDid
I say wife? I said mate.Ó He let an eyebrow go up. ÒIf they heard wife, I cannot help
that.Ó
She
laughed.
ÒSaavik
is here. She needs you. Spock is—his reintegration
proceeds slowly.Ó
ÒDoes
he know...everyone?Ó
ÒSome
more than others. He does not seem
to be at ease with Kirk but that could change, which is why I have sent my
fastest ship.Ó He gave the look
sheÕd come to know, the look of ÒI support you but meet me halfway on this.Ó
ÒUnderstood. IÕll see you as soon as your fastest
ship can get me there.Ó
ÒMost
satisfactory. Sarek out.Ó
She
smiled, glad that Sarek was on her side.
She didnÕt imagine he was making it easy on Jim.
She
thought about that for a few more seconds, then got up and began to pack.
##
Spock
stood near the edge of the cliff, staring down at something. Chapel didnÕt have to look to know who
it was he was so fascinated by.
She
coughed lightly, and he turned and studied her.
Amanda
had told her not to help him at first, not to give him any information, that
sometimes memories came up spontaneously upon seeing a person. Or maybe Amanda just didnÕt want her to
catch up with the head start Jim had on pumping him full of intimate details.
ÒI
know you,Ó he said. His expression
was the coldest she had seen next to when heÕd just returned from Gol.
ÒYou
do know me, yes.Ó
He
walked over to her, a slight frown tipped his lips down, his eyebrows in. ÒOdd memories.Ó
She
could only imagine. Especially if
he was digging up the time they were all three together.
ÒPancakes? Is that right?Ó
She
smiled and nodded.
ÒYou
approve of that association.Ó
ÒThere
are worse things to be remembered for than pancakes.Ó She wiped sweat from her forehead. ÒCan we go back inside? IÕm only human.Ó
ÒOf
course.Ó He followed her into the
room inside the cliffs.
The
temperature dropped precipitously and she sighed in relief. ÒSorry. I know you were looking at Jim.Ó
ÒHe
wants me to remember him. I do
but...not the way he wants.Ó
ÒHas
he told you what he wants?Ó
ÒNo. But it has to do with feelings. Just as your visit does.Ó
ÒPancakes
to feelings? Kind of a leap.Ó
ÒIn
the memory I recalled, you were preparing them naked.Ó
She knew she was blushing.
ÒOh. Yeah. Well, that was your fault. I started off with a robe on.Ó
He
tipped his head, studied her. Then
he looked very far away, and she thought he must be seeing something else. ÒYou and him, with me.Ó
She
thought her face probably flamed even more. Thank God the cave was dimly lit. ÒIt was only for a short time. It didnÕt work.Ó
ÒThree
is a difficult number.Ó He
frowned. ÒWhy do I think that?Ó
ÒI
said it to you. Jim probably did,
too. Although for the record, three
doesnÕt have to be. In other
circumstances. You and I and Saavik
did just fine as a family.Ó
ÒSaavik. I disappoint her, too.Ó He cocked his head again, and she felt
uncomfortable under his scrutiny.
ÒAnd you—do I disappoint you?Ó
ÒI
came expecting to be disappointed.Ó
ÒA
most refreshing attitude.
Expectations weigh heavily when one cannot meet them.Ó
ÒI
can see that.Ó She decided to study
him for a moment before saying, ÒYou and I were happy.Ó
ÒHappy
is an emotion.Ó
ÒYes,
one you used to feel.Ó She eyed a
chair. ÒDo you want me to sit or
go? Either answer is fine.Ó
ÒSit. I wish...Ó He frowned again, barely, but she knew
how to read him.
ÒIt
doesnÕt matter what you wish, Spock.
All that matters is you becoming whole. Well.Ó
ÒYou
are a healer. I remember that.Ó
ÒYes,
in addition to nude cooking, I also have many degrees to fall back on.Ó She smiled.
He
looked confused.
ÒThat
was humor.Ó That thing that Saavik
would say was a difficult concept when she wanted to make someone
uncomfortable. She seemed quite
adept at her own brand of dry humor.
ÒAh. I have not reached that on the
reintegration module. It persists
in asking me how I feel.Ó
She
smiled. ÒMost humans answer that
with a lie. They say they feel fine. If itÕs a really good day, they might
say great.Ó
ÒAnd
if the day has been less than positive?Ó
ÒNo
one cares. You just say fine
anyway. ItÕs a meaningless
question. A doctor walks into an
exam room to a sick patient and asks ÔHow are you?Õ and nine times out of ten
the patient will answer ÔFineÓ before realizing they arenÕt fine, thatÕs why
theyÕre there.Ó
ÒFascinating.Ó
ÒNot
really.Ó She smiled again. ÒOr maybe it is. We used to have discussions like this.Ó
ÒWe
were intimate?Ó
She
nodded. ÒBut you were intimate with
Jim, too. That man out there who
longs for you to remember him.Ó
ÒYou
are...generous to say that, are you not?Ó
ÒI
am. IÕm a fucking saint.Ó She started to laugh. ÒSorry about the swearing.Ó
ÒIt
provoked a reaction. Uncomfortable
and not.Ó He looked more like a
scientist discussing a subjectÕs reaction to stimulus than a man talking about
himself.
ÒThis
is more than I expected.Ó
ÒI
feel at ease with you. Will you tell
me more of what we were to each other?Ó
She
shook her head. ÒIÕve probably
already said too much. Your
memories will come back or they wonÕt.
I donÕt want to fill your head with my perspective on how things were
between us. YouÕll remember more
about us in time—care, or not.
Everyone heals differently.Ó
ÒLogical. And ethical.Ó
ÒI
try to be the second one. IÕve made
some illogical choices in the past when it comes to you and that man waiting
for you.Ó And Len—letting him
go so she could have Spock may have been the most illogical thing sheÕd done.
But
then, when was love ever logical?
##
Chapel
saw Len waiting for her when she came down from SpockÕs room. She smiled at him, walked over, and
touched his head. ÒAll alone in
there now?Ó
He
nodded. ÒYou were up there a long
time. JimÕs fit to be tied.Ó
ÒI
have no expectations. Sometimes
itÕs good to be the loser.Ó She
motioned for him to walk with her.
ÒYou guys are in a lot of trouble.
You know that, right?Ó
ÒWell,
technically, I was not in my right mind, and I plan to go back and tell the
Council that.Ó
ÒDonÕt. TheyÕll take you into custody first and
listen later. IÕll talk to
Sarek. He would be the best one to
speak for you.Ó
ÒAnd
heÕll go simply because you ask him?Ó
He made a pensive face. ÒYou
two are close?Ó
ÒHeÕs
the closest thing IÕve had to a father-in-law, even if it didnÕt last very
long. He likes me.Ó
ÒHis
relationship with Jim is...tenuous.Ó
She
shrugged. ÒNot my concern.Ó
ÒJim
went through hell, Christine. He
gave up everything for Spock.Ó
ÒAnd
what? IÕm not supposed to get in
the way of that? Do you say that
because you want Jim to be happy or because you donÕt want me to be?Ó
His
look changed, the anger finally coming through. ÒBoth, maybe.Ó
ÒSpock
was inside you, and you both wanted me, and I did the right thing. I didnÕt sleep with you.Ó
ÒAs
I remember it, you didnÕt have a clue that he was in me. You just thought it was me being the
same old lovesick pup. So, donÕt
give me the ÔLook how noble I amÕ speech.Ó
She
looked down.
ÒBut
you did sleep with Jim, didnÕt you, Christine? He looked damned guilty when he saw you,
and you didnÕt seem to be making much eye contact with him, either. Did you happen to mention that to Spock?Ó
She
swallowed hard. ÒIt was one
time. We were both in pain. If I could do it over again differently,
I would.Ó
ÒWhy? Because it was wrong or because Jim left
you high and dry the moment he found a way to bring Spock back?Ó
ÒYouÕre
so ugly when youÕre hurt.Ó She
turned to go.
ÒYouÕre
so ugly when youÕre you.Ó He stopped
her. ÒLeave Jim alone,
Christine. You hear me? He does not need you rubbing his face in
whatever happened up there.Ó
ÒHappened? What the hell do you think
happened? Spock and I talked. Mostly about things other than us. Because it would be unethical to impose myself on his reintegration, and I actually am
ethical.Ó She moved closer. ÒIÕm sure JimÕs not giving me the same
consideration. Where do you stand,
lover? Are you going to be on the
ÔJimÕs your soul mateÕ bandwagon?Ó
ÒThere
are days that I hate you, Christine.Ó
ÒThatÕs
crystal clear.Ó She turned before
he could say anything else and walked away.
##
Chapel
sat with Saavik in AmandaÕs garden.
The night was cooler than normal, and the roses Amanda somehow coaxed
out of the dusty Vulcan soil smelled heavenly.
ÒAre
you all right, kiddo?Ó She studied
Saavik. Something was off, but she
couldnÕt figure out if it was more than just dealing with SpockÕs
reintegration.
ÒYou
spent a lot of time today with Spock.
I saw Admiral KirkÕs face.
He was not happy.Ó
ÒMy
goal being here isnÕt to make Jim miserable.Ó
ÒMaybe
it should be. Spock needs to choose
you.Ó
ÒSpockÕs
in no shape to choose his next meal, much less who he wants to be with.Ó
ÒThat
is an exaggeration.Ó For once,
Saavik didnÕt sound amused at her humor.
She looked away, her mouth tight.
ÒWhat
is it?Ó
ÒSacrifices
were made to get him back here.Ó
ÒDavid. I know.Ó
ÒOther
things, too. To keep his body
alive. To get him home safely.Ó
She
frowned. ÒI donÕt understand.Ó
Saavik
stood and began to pace. ÒI kept
him safe for you.Ó
ÒAnd
I appreciate that, Saavik. But you
also kept him safe for yourself—letÕs be honest with one another.Ó
Saavik
stopped moving, closed her eyes tightly as if trying to hold in emotions Chapel
didnÕt understand.
ÒHe
will remember you, honey. I know he
will.Ó
Saavik
nodded. ÒOf course. Certainly.Ó She went to the window. ÒWill he choose you? He talked to you today, did he not?Ó
ÒHe
talked of nothing consequential.
I...I am unthreatening.Ó
ÒBecause
he loves you.Ó
ÒNot
necessarily. Why is this so
important to you?Ó
ÒHow
can it not be important to you?Ó
Saavik stalked to her. ÒI
heard what you said to Doctor McCoy.
About ethics. What good are
ethics if you lose him?Ó
ÒWhat
good is having him if I lose my integrity?Ó She took SaavikÕs hand, but Saavik
jerked it away. ÒI appreciate that
youÕve lost someone you care about, Saavik. That you and David grew close.Ó
ÒYou
think that is what is on my mind?Ó
Saavik laughed. A bitter, horrible
laugh that made Chapel swallow hard.
ÒI gave everything.Ó
ÒI
know what itÕs like to watch someone you love die.Ó
SaavikÕs
expression changed. All anger faded
and a sort of resignation seemed to come over her. ÒYes. Yes, of course youÕd understand
that.Ó She sat down next to
Chapel. ÒI have spoken of you often
to Spock. I lack your ethics,
Christine.Ó
ÒDonÕt
do that, Saavik. You could harm his
progress.Ó
ÒI
want us back the way we were. I had
a family when you were with him.Ó
ÒYou
have a family now. Sarek and Amanda
love you. Spock will again. And Jim—didnÕt you see anything
you could admire?Ó
ÒWhy
do you care? Why are you so damned
fair to him?Ó
ÒHeÕs
fair to me, too. He never lied to
me. Never.Ó
Saavik looked confused; Chapel wasnÕt going to fill her in now on the past and
her unconventional sleeping arrangements.
ÒNever
mind. Just...try to understand if
Spock chooses him. Jim gave up
everything he had to get him back.
ThatÕs hard to fight.Ó
ÒFight
anyway.Ó
Chapel
nodded. ÒI will.Ó But she wasnÕt sure sheÕd fight the way
Saavik wanted her to. Because there
was a time she would have chosen Jim, too, if heÕd wanted her.
##
Chapel
heard a knock on her door, went and opened it and found Sarek waiting.
ÒYour
comm said it was urgent.Ó
She
nodded. ÒLen—Doctor McCoy
intends to go back and testify on JimÕs and the othersÕ behalves.Ó
Sarek
said nothing; his expression looked as if he was waiting for her to say
something that mattered to him.
ÒLen
will be taken into custody. He was
out of control when he left—Starfleet security wonÕt take any
chances. I know how they work.Ó
ÒThen
tell him not to go.Ó He raised an
eyebrow.
ÒI
did, but heÕs right in thinking that someone needs to speak for them.Ó
ÒFor
them? You mean for Kirk, donÕt
you? My son is not implicated in
what Kirk did. Neither will Doctor
McCoy be once they determine he was mentally compromised by the presence of
SpockÕs katra.Ó
ÒBut
Jim did what he did because you told him to. And the others were just helping him
carry that out.Ó
ÒI
did not tell him to hijack a starship.Ó
ÒYou
didnÕt have to. HeÕd do anything to
please you, and we both know it.
Especially if it dovetailed with helping Spock in some way.Ó She took a deep breath, forced herself
to stay unemotional. ÒYou and I
need to go back to Earth.
Tomorrow.Ó
Sarek
moved farther into the room. ÒYour
feelings for Kirk are compromising your judgment.Ó
ÒMy
feelings for—Ó
ÒI
melded with the man, Christine, when I went to him that night of the party he
did not invite you to. I saw
everything I needed to.Ó
She could feel her face flaming.
ÒIt was a mistake. It was
one time.Ó
ÒI
am not censuring you. I accept that
humans reach out in inappropriate ways when they are in pain. It was clear from his feelings that he,
too, regretted it.Ó
She
looked down. ÒI was in love with
him once.Ó
ÒYes,
I saw that, too. You and Kirk and
my son were quite busy.Ó
She
hadnÕt thought her face could get any redder; she was wrong. ÒShit.Ó She turned and went to the window. ÒThat was over quickly, too. My relationship with Spock is whatÕs
important here.Ó
ÒI
concur. How will helping Kirk evade
punishment assist you in reestablishing your place with my son?Ó
ÒThatÕs
not the point. You owe Jim this.Ó
ÒDo
I? It was because of him that my
son died.Ó SarekÕs voice was
angry—something sheÕd never heard before, even when he was annoyed with
Spock.
ÒSo
many circumstances led up to what happened.Ó She walked over to him, took his hand
and held it tightly, was surprised to feel him squeeze back. ÒItÕs the right thing to do, Sarek. Maybe not the logical thing, but the
right thing.Ó
ÒI
am...angry with him, Christine.Ó
ÒI
know.Ó She winced as he squeezed
her hand tighter.
He
let go with a murmured, ÒI beg forgiveness.Ó
ÒIÕm
going back to Earth. Will you come
with me?Ó
His
eyes were defeated as he nodded.
ÒYour unwillingness to fight in any manner other than fair may be your
downfall.Ó
ÒWhat
will be, will be.Ó
ÒAs
you say.Ó He took a deep breath,
seemed to become the Sarek she knew as he let it out slowly—the calm and
gracious man she loved. ÒAnd this
week, it has been you, not Kirk, who has spent time with Spock. He clearly prefers your company.Ó
She
nodded, even if she didnÕt think it was that simple. But why ruin SarekÕs illusions?
##
Chapel
came down from talking with Spock and saw Jim waiting for her where Len had
been the day before. He
looked...exhausted, and she hated how much she wanted to take care of him.
ÒYou
were up there a long time again.Ó
He took her arm, drew her away from the bird-of-prey and toward a
makeshift camp that had some shade.
And
also scotch. He poured them both
glasses. ÒWhy will he talk to you
and not me?Ó
ÒI
go in expecting to lose?Ó She held
her glass up to him in a bitter toast.
ÒIÕm low threat?Ó
ÒAnd
IÕm high threat? Since when?Ó
ÒHe
knows you gave up everything for him, Jim.
Someone told him. You? Amanda? Len? I donÕt know who let that gem slip. But he knows. And that weighs on him. Put yourself in his shoes.Ó
She
saw Ny come out of the Klingon ship.
Her friend seemed to have to think about whether she was going to come
over, and then she turned and walked the other way, toward the sleeping
chambers.
ÒWhen
did I become the bad guy?Ó Chapel asked, taking a big sip of the scotch; it
burned all the way down. ÒAnd does
she know now?Ó
ÒI
may have let something about my relationship with Spock slip during my
recruiting for a mutiny speech.Ó He
shook his head. ÒI was off my game. Besides, youÕve got Sarek and Saavik on
your side. How many more do you
need?Ó
ÒBe
glad SarekÕs on my side. Because
soon heÕll be on yours.Ó
ÒI
donÕt follow.Ó
ÒWeÕre
leaving for Earth tonight. HeÕs
going to testify on your behalf.Ó
ÒWhat? I thought Len was going to
do that.Ó He shook his head as if
she was crazy.
ÒLen
will be thrown in the brig before he can make landfall. He made a lot of noise talking about
Genesis, and until Starfleet security is sure he can keep his mouth shut, they
arenÕt going to let him loose.
Especially not in front of the Council.Ó
ÒThen
I should go.Ó
ÒTheyÕll
crucify you. Trust me on this. I actually do have your best interests
at heart.Ó
He
studied her for a long time before saying, ÒMe in the brig would mean you get
Spock.Ó
ÒA
hell of way to pay you back for a resurrection. Besides, you know me: I want to win fair
and square, not by default.Ó
He
threw back his drink. ÒYou did
win. He chose you.Ó
ÒWell, things are different now.
WeÕll have to see how this plays out.Ó She urged him into one of the chairs scattered
around the enclosure. ÒSit down,
for GodÕs sake. You look dead on
your feet.Ó
He
let her push him down, sighed as he seemed to relax. ÒI donÕt want to be enemies, Chris.Ó
ÒWeÕre
not. WeÕre rivals.Ó She smiled and sat down next to him. ÒAnd ex lovers. I donÕt forget that.Ó
ÒEspecially
since it was not too long ago.Ó He
turned to look at her. ÒIÕm sorry if
I took advantage.Ó
ÒIt
was both of us. Comfort,
maybe. Not sure.Ó
ÒIÕm
also sorry for how I didnÕt include you in our little adventure.Ó He rolled his eyes at the word.
ÒNo,
youÕre not. You saw a chance to
save Len and maybe Spock, too. I
knew what youÕd do as soon as Sarek came to you—he told me he was going
to talk to you.Ó
ÒHe
did?Ó Jim looked sincerely
surprised. ÒHow close are you two?Ó
She
gave him a look that would have done a Vulcan proud.
ÒQuestion
withdrawn. Jesus, youÕve been
hanging around Vulcans too long.Ó
ÒHe
and I see eye to eye. And we both
love Saavik.Ó
His
jaw seemed to tighten. ÒSheÕll be a
good officer.Ó
ÒSheÕll
be a great officer.Ó She
sighed. ÒWhy didnÕt you bother to
get to know her? You never had the
chance with David and—Ó
ÒDonÕt
talk about him. IÕm...raw.Ó
ÒIÕm
sorry. I didnÕt mean to hurt
you.Ó
ÒWe never mean to hurt each other, Chris.
And we just keep doing it.Ó
She
stared at him, saw an expression on his face sheÕd never seen before. Defeat.
Holy
shit. He really thought Spock would
choose her. Even with her
surrendering the field by leaving Vulcan?
ÒI
never stopped loving you.Ó He
turned to look at her. ÒI never
stopped loving him.Ó
ÒLikewise.Ó
He
nodded. ÒCan we just go back to
being a threesome? That suddenly
seems so much simpler.Ó He reached
over and took her hand, holding on tighter than she expected, then he let go of
her. ÒGod damn IÕm tired.Ó
They drank and sat in silence until Sarek came to get her.
##
ÒIt
would seem,Ó Sarek said to her after the Council meeting, Òthat Kirk has again
snatched victory from the jaws of defeat.Ó
She
smiled, even if it hurt to watch Spock and Jim standing so closely together
talking, the heroes who had had gone back in time and brought whales home. ÒWhy donÕt you ever call him Jim?Ó
ÒDo
you know why I prefer you with my son, Christine?Ó
ÒYou
like blue eyes better than hazel?Ó
He
shot her the glance she knew was his version of amusement. ÒMy son loses himself in that man. He has no need of me. His mother cares for both of you, but I
am selfish, Christine, and you are the one who allows me into SpockÕs life. And allows Saavik in the way she
deserves.Ó
She
turned and waited for him to follow.
ÒThen IÕm sorry. Because I
think heÕs chosen Jim.Ó
ÒI
would not be so quick to jump to that conclusion.Ó
ÒWait
until they see the ship theyÕre getting.Ó
She smiled wryly.
ÒYou
know?Ó
She
nodded. ÒThe NCC-1701-AÓ
He
let out a puff of air that she recognized as some sort of bitter
amusement. ÒOf course.Ó
ÒSpock
will go with Jim. History repeats
itself. IÕll lose. If I havenÕt already.Ó She took a deep breath.
ÒYou
will always be family to me. And to
Saavik.Ó
ÒI
know.Ó There was no one in the
corridor so she touched his forearm briefly. ÒThank you for everything. IÕll see you at the next disaster?Ó
He
lifted an eyebrow, the gesture somehow so different from when Spock did
it. She smiled and walked back to
Ops.
Her
smile died on the way.
##
She
was settling in for dinner, comfy in sweats and a t-shirt, when her chime
rang. She was tired. SheÕd worked a double shift to avoid
thinking of Jim and Spock out on their shakedown cruise. SheÕd seen some reports. The ship might be a thing of beauty, but
it ran like shit.
She
put her dinner in the warmer and walked to the door, opening it with the least
welcoming expression in her repertoire.
Spock
stood there. ÒChristine.Ó
ÒOh. Hi.Ó She peeked around him. No Jim. Was that good or bad? Would he want to break the news to her
alone?
He
probably would. Shit, she was not
in the mood for this right now.
ÒMay
I come in?Ó
She
moved aside. ÒYouÕre still on the
door, Spock.Ó
ÒI
did not want to presume.Ó
ÒVery
noble of you.Ó She suddenly really
wanted a drink but forced herself to sit down on the couch instead. She crossed her arms over her chest,
then realized that was too defensive a posture, and tried to look more
casual. ÒSit. Take a load off.Ó
ÒYou
are angry.Ó
ÒIÕm
anticipating.Ó
ÒAh.Ó He sat down—right goddamn next to
her.
ÒWhat
are you doing?Ó
ÒI
remember everything.Ó He turned so
he was facing her and pushed the hair off her cheek. ÒI remember that Jim left me again. I remember that you were there. I remember we were happy.Ó
ÒI
canÕt share you.Ó
ÒIÕm
not asking you to.Ó He frowned
slightly. ÒWhy do you presume you
have lost?Ó
ÒBecause
he always wins.Ó She looked away. ÒAnd because he gave everything to get
you back. While I was here, on
Earth, doing nothing.Ó
ÒIt
happened as it happened. A cycle of
incidences fortuitous and not so.Ó
She
nodded. ÒDavid.Ó
ÒJim
is hurting.Ó
ÒJim
was hurting even more when you were dead.Ó
She met his eyes. ÒI slept
with him. Once. When we were both grieving.Ó
ÒI
know. He told me. You are both so honest. Or so afraid of the other one telling me
first.Ó He sat very still, as if he
could sit there all night. ÒYou did
not sleep with McCoy, though, did you, when my katra was inside him?Ó
ÒDo
you know that?Ó
ÒNo. I...surmised it from something he said
when he thought I was not in range.Ó
She
sighed. ÒHeÕs not happy with
me. HeÕs on the Ôpick JimÕ ticket.Ó
Spock
leaned in. ÒDo you want me to pick
you?Ó
ÒYes.Ó
ÒWhen
I was dying, I told Jim that I had been and always would be his friend. And that is true. He is my closest friend. I would die for him again, Christine.Ó
ÒI
know.Ó
ÒBut
you are who I chose. And I wish to
honor that.Ó
ÒYouÕre
not stuck with me. If you want him,
take him.Ó
ÒMy
father believes you are the better choice.Ó
ÒWhat
do you care? YouÕve defied him your
whole life.Ó She got up, suddenly
uncomfortable with him so close.
ÒI
thought you would welcome my choice.Ó
ÒAre
you choosing? Or are you just
slipping into an old pattern?Ó
ÒCould
the same not be said if I chose Jim?
Christine, I want you.Ó
ÒYouÕll
be on the ship with him, though.Ó
ÒI
am perfectly capable of being faithful.Ó
He moved toward her. ÒYou
look tired, Christine. How long has
it been since you slept? I assume
your bed is in the same place?Ó
She
laughed helplessly. ÒYes.Ó
He
reached out his hand, and she took it.
ÒI
donÕt want to have sex.Ó
ÒYou
do. You are afraid to.Ó
ÒQuit
reading me.Ó She pulled her hand
back.
ÒIt
is not something I can help. And
you are broadcasting quite strongly because you are exhausted.Ó He took her hand again, led her to the
bedroom. He kicked his boots off,
and pulled her into bed, fully clothed.
ÒWe will just sleep.Ó
It
felt so good to have him back—to have his arms around her. She closed her eyes and tried not to
cry, because she was terrified this was temporary.
ÒChristine,
please. Your distress is
uncomfortable. I am still not
entirely myself. Emotions—I
know I once dealt with them quite successfully, but it is more difficult now.Ó
ÒIÕm
sorry.Ó
He
eased her onto her stomach, began to rub her back the way she used to do
his. ÒRelax.Ó
She
finally did, and he lay back down and pulled her into his arms. She moaned in a sleepy way, and he
leaned in and kissed her gently.
ÒI
love you,Ó she murmured.
ÒYou
were the one person who did not cause me distress when I was reintegrating on
Vulcan, Christine. That is
significant.Ó He pulled her closer
and rubbed her arms until she fell asleep.
##
She
woke to an empty bed, but then she heard Spock in the dining room, typing on
her terminal. She looked at the chrono: five a.m.
Jesus,
sheÕd barely slept. She got up and
walked out to him, and he closed down a message terminal as she
approached.
ÒWhat
are you doing up, Spock?Ó
ÒI
do not sleep very much right now.Ó
ÒOkay.Ó She went into the kitchen, made coffee,
trying not to overthink that he used to not sleep very much either but that
didnÕt mean he left their bed to go do...whatever he was doing. Especially not his first night back. ÒDid you eat already?Ó
ÒI
did not.Ó
She
studied him—well, his back, since it was still facing her. ÒDo you want to be here?Ó
He
turned, surprise on his face. ÒI am
here.Ó
ÒAre
you? Or are you with him.Ó She pointed to the terminal. ÒSince when do you close down message
screens when I come by?Ó
He
sighed. ÒIt was not Jim I was
talking with. It was Saavik. I am trying...Ó He looked away. ÒShe is distant now and I am trying to
make amends.Ó
ÒIs
that why youÕre here? Because I can
deliver Saavik and your father—the two Vulcans you care most
about—and Jim canÕt?Ó She
went back into the bedroom. ÒGet
your own fucking breakfast. You lived
here long enough to do that.Ó
She
got back into bed and pulled the covers over her head.
A
few minutes later, she heard SpockÕs footsteps. He sounded like he had stopped at the
door. ÒDo you want me here, Christine?Ó
ÒOf
course I do. Jesus.Ó
ÒI
had forgotten how many colorful metaphors you use. I was not successful in mastering them
when we were in the past.Ó
She
didnÕt answer. Was he actually
trying to lighten the mood?
His
footsteps sounded again, then he pulled the bedclothes up and got back into
bed.
Naked.
ÒWhat
the hell are you doing?Ó
ÒI
believe you know.Ó He pulled her to
him, very slowly, and she knew he was giving her every chance to get away from
him.
ÒI
hate that I canÕt be sure of you.Ó
ÒYou
can be sure of me. You just do not
want to.Ó He pushed her to her
back. ÒOr maybe it is you that you
are not sure of?Ó
ÒShut
up and kiss me.Ó
It
took a while before it felt right, before it felt like she was with the Spock
she knew. But she found him,
eventually, and he found her—and all the spots she liked. He had her clutching the sheets and
calling out his name as he became reacquainted with her body. She got to know his again, too, and realized
it had changed, that this was his body reborn.
Reborn
and returned.
But
for how long?
##
Chapel
tried to relax, tried to trust Spock.
When he said he was going camping with Jim and Len sheÕd accepted the
news without making a fuss, even though she wanted to ask if Len was really
going to be there.
Not
that she could ask Len. He was
avoiding her whenever he saw her at Command.
She
had commed Saavik after SpockÕs first night back with
her. Asked her if he had reached
out to her. Saavik said heÕd
messaged her several times the night before. So, he had not been lying about that.
Chapel
had not been sure. Why couldnÕt she
be sure of him?
And
now Jim was sitting in her living room, smiling uncomfortably while Spock got
his things together for a camp-out.
ÒIÕll take good care of him.Ó
By the look on his face, he seemed to know that was the very worst thing
to say. ÒI mean—Ó
ÒStow
it. I donÕt care what you
mean.Ó She sat down across from
him.
ÒHe
chose you, Chris. You won.Ó
She
nodded in a way that meant nothing.
She knew her face was like stone.
ÒI
told him about us.Ó Jim looked
down. ÒI didnÕt want any secrets.Ó
ÒI
did, too.
ÒWhat
happened between us...Ó He had the
look she never expected to see. The
look she imagined Jan had seen far too many times after heÕd opened up even a
little and then pulled back, into his rules—his nonexistent rules.
ÒLet
me guess. It never happened? It meant nothing?Ó She suddenly could imagine hating him.
ÒIt
meant everything, Chris. You saved
me that night. My best friends were
gone.Ó He was pitching his voice
low; Spock couldnÕt hear them—this was just for her. ÒThatÕs why I told him. Because it did mean something to
me.Ó He laughed softly, a bitter
sound. ÒBut I guess you told him
the opposite. It was nothing, huh?Ó
ÒI
told him it was one time. IÕd never
tell him it was nothing—heÕd know I was lying.Ó She looked down.
ÒI
miss you, Chris.Ó
ÒDonÕt
do this. DonÕt woo me now that heÕs
made his choice. DonÕt try to
insert yourself in the middle of this.Ó
ÒThe
way you did with us?Ó
She
looked away, stung.
ÒIs
that what you think IÕm doing?
Trying to get that back—anything back. Even the crumbs?Ó
ÒSo
you admit thatÕs what I got? The
crumbs?Ó She stared him down, the
Ops look that had seemed to impress him so before.
ÒI
may have overcompensated being fair to Spock.Ó
ÒNo,
Jim. You just loved him a lot
more.Ó She heard Spock coming,
stood and asked, ÒAll set?Ó
He
nodded and pulled her close, kissing her in front of Jim quite thoroughly, like
they were the perfect couple.
Which
of the three of them was he trying to convince?
##
She
came into work to find out that Spock was no longer camping with Jim, but they
were off to the neutral zone on a new mission on a barely functioning ship.
He
hadnÕt bothered to comm her. She didnÕt want to know why.
And
then things got weirder. The comms she saw were confusing. The ship was going where no one should
go.
Spock
and Jim were going there. Together.
She
could almost feel her life unraveling as she waited at her station, doing work
she didnÕt care about, work that she wanted to leave behind forever and just
run and run and never stop.
When
Spock finally showed back up at her apartment, days after the ship had made it
back to Earth, his hair smelled of campfires.
She
closed her eyes and whispered, ÒDo it quick.Ó
ÒI
cannot fight this.Ó
She
closed her eyes. ÒI can give you
Sarek. He cannot.Ó
ÒIt
is ironic, given that my fatherÕs first words upon seeing me were, ÒSo human,Ó
that a human would be my way back to him.Ó
He touched her cheek. ÒI
have never pleased him, and if he and I are to build anything between us, he must
accept me for who I am. And who I
love. All the people I love.Ó
ÒI
love you more than Jim does.Ó The
words sounded weak even to her. She
knew it wasnÕt true. She loved him
as much as she loved Jim. But could
she ever say she loved either of them the way they did each other? SheÕd run to save herself.
SheÕd do it again if she had to.
TheyÕd
die for each other. Give anything,
everything.
She
tried a different approach. ÒHeÕll
leave you again. And I wonÕt be
there to pick up the pieces.Ó She
sounded just like Len had to her, and she imagined Spock would pay her as much
mind as she had Len.
ÒHe
will not. I betrayed him during
this mission—far more than when I took his memory—and he forgave
me. He will not leave me this time. I am sorry, Christine. I care deeply for you. I know I am giving up a great deal.Ó
ÒJust
go.Ó
He
did not move except to take her in his arms and hold her. ÒGive my father a message for me. Tell
him my brother is dead.Ó
She
pulled away. ÒIs that a joke?Ó
ÒIt
is not. He will understand.Ó
ÒI
donÕt.Ó
ÒI
know.Ó He kissed her forehead, then
let go of her and walked out of the apartment.
For good, she imagined.
The hell of it was, it didnÕt hurt the way it should. It hurt the way a hangnail did after you
pulled it, when you knew from the moment you grabbed the skin that it was a
stupid thing to do.
It
hurt like a punch in the face from the girl you taunted into hitting you.
It
hurt like the burn of muscles after you played too many games of beach
volleyball when you were out of shape.
It
hurt like every stupid thing sheÕd ever done in her life.
She
sat down and commed Sarek. He took one look at her face and closed
his eyes.
ÒHe
made his choice. I wasnÕt it.Ó
ÒI
am sorry, Christine. I believe my
son is a fool.Ó
ÒYou
married for love—you have no room to talk.Ó She frowned. ÒHe gave me a message to give to
you. ItÕs odd.Ó
ÒWhat
is it?Ó
ÒHe
said his brother is dead.Ó
Sarek
went very still.
ÒAre
you all right?Ó
ÒAmanda
was not my first wife, Christine. I
did not marry for love the first time.
I had a Vulcan son I do not speak of. If what Spock says is true, then he is
no more, just as his mother passed before him.Ó He narrowed his eyes. ÒDid Spock mention his katra? A ceremony of emplacement?Ó
She shook her head.
ÒThen
he is lost forever.Ó His expression
changed, became hard. ÒIt is as it
should be.Ó
She
swallowed. Was this the Sarek Spock
saw and could not reconcile with?
SarekÕs
look softened. ÒWe will never speak
of this again. But you and I are
friends, Christine. Family. Do you understand what I am saying?Ó
ÒThat
IÕm not out of your life?Ó
He nodded. ÒHave you told Saavik of
SpockÕs choice?Ó
ÒNot
yet. But I imagine he might. He wants to repair their relationship.Ó
ÒSomething
is wrong with her. She will not
talk to me. Perhaps she will to
you.Ó
Chapel
nodded. ÒIÕll try. SheÕs stubborn.Ó
ÒYes. I know.Ó Sarek touched the screen, a sentimental
gesture that surprised her, but she returned the favor and smiled.
ÒThank
you for making being in SpockÕs life so easy, Sarek.Ó
ÒThank
you for your time in it.Ó
##
Chapel
took a deep breath, trying to push down the rising panic. This had been happening more and more since
Spock had chosen Jim. The job was
too much suddenly. And now Jan was
leaving with Sulu on the Excelsior. Saavik had taken a leave of absence and
given no reason.
What
more was Chapel supposed to deal with?
She
opened up the memo from Starfleet Medical.
A job notice. Head of
emergency services at the medical center on Oldivia
V. A gorgeous planet, the main trauma
center for that sector. Very far
away from Ops. Very far away most
days from the EnterpriseÕs usual area
of operation.
And
a quiet planet with more normal hours.
Not like this.
But
it would look like she was running away again, and sheÕd sworn not to do that.
ÒChristine?Ó
She
looked up and saw Saavik standing there.
ÒI thought you were on Vulcan.Ó
ÒI
was.Ó She looked down. ÒMay we speak in private?Ó
Chapel
got one of the rovers to cover her station and walked with Saavik to the main
cafeteria, which was quiet in the lull between lunch and dinner. ÒIÕve missed you.Ó
ÒI
have missed you. I am so angry at
Spock, Christine. I want you to
know that. I did not keep him alive
for him to choose Admiral—Captain Kirk.Ó
ÒShhh. HeÕs made
the only choice I think he can make.Ó
Saavik
shook her head. ÒNo, he had other
choices. He could have stayed with
you. You were happy, were you not?Ó
ÒI
thought so.Ó She shrugged. ÒBut then how do you fight destiny? I think if soul mates exist, those two
definitely fit the bill.Ó
ÒSoul
mates who leave everyone out, especially me. They did before and they will do it
again. You...you included me. I do not know if you have ever realized
how happy I was when I stayed over.
Something as simple as pancakes.Ó
She looked down.
ÒI
know. SarekÕs not happy about this,
either.Ó
ÒI
know. He has tried to talk to
me. I cannot talk to him
about—Ó She began to fiddle
with the salt shaker. ÒChristine, I
am pregnant.Ó
ÒWhat?Ó She sighed. ÒIs it DavidÕs?Ó
ÒNo. I was not involved with him. And I would not want to have Kirk in my
childÕs life, trying to play grandfather when he has never been anything but
the man who has taken Spock away from me, over and over again.Ó
ÒThatÕs
not fair, Saavik.Ó
ÒYou
love him in ways I do not understand.
But I never have loved him and I never will.Ó
ÒWhose
baby is it? And why werenÕt you on
contraceptives? TheyÕre mandatory
for active duty and—Ó She
thought back, to what Saavik had told her of the Genesis planet. What she had obviously been trying to
tell her and Chapel hadnÕt been hearing her. ÒOh, Saavik. The Pon Farr.Ó
ÒYes. The Pon
Farr.Ó Saavik swallowed
visibly. ÒI was still a cadet and
not sexually active. Contraceptives
were optional. I did not know how
my body would react to them—my Romulan
physiology can make medicines problematic—so I opted to not take them
until I had to.Ó
ÒYou
have to tell Spock.Ó
ÒWhy? He
was not there when it happened—his essence was gone. Whatever consciousness was in that body belonged
to someone else. Some new Spock
that was integrated or possibly extinguished during the re-fusion ceremony.Ó
Chapel
frowned.
ÒI
know this for a fact, Christine. Spock does not remember. I have probed more than once to see if
he recalls anything from the planet, but he does not. And frankly, it is difficult to get time
with him. First he knew none of us,
now all he sees is Kirk.Ó
ÒYou
have to tell him.Ó
ÒI
do not. I will not.Ó At ChapelÕs look, she leaned in, her
voice pitched low and angry. ÒHe did
not know me after the Fal-tor-pan. He hardly reacted to me. I am inconsequential to him. I will not share this baby with him.Ó She sat up, suddenly looked worlds away
from a Vulcan. ÒIt is my Romulan side, perhaps, but I feel vengeance is in
order. He chose wrong. He left you and he left me. And now we will leave.Ó
ÒWe?
What? Leave?Ó
She
nodded. ÒYou are exhausted. I see how tired you are of Ops. Do you have no other opportunities? Somewhere we could go, and I could have
this baby. We will make our own
family. Mother and daughter and
grandson or granddaughter.Ó
ÒItÕs
a lovely fantasy, but then what?Ó
ÒAnd
then you raise my child. The way
you would have your own and SpockÕs.
If he had chosen you. Or
your own and RogerÕs.Ó She leaned
in again. ÒI will be in the childÕs
life. I will not lie to it about being
its mother, but you would raise it. Far away from Vulcan—I do not want
it raised a Vulcan.Ó
ÒHas
Vulcan treated you so badly? Sarek
and Amanda—Ó
ÒWere
often off world. The rest of Vulcan
was not. You try living there when you
are only half as good as everyone else.Ó
ÒSpock
went through the same thing.Ó
ÒSpock
is human, not Romulan. Spock was wanted, not an experiment.Ó
Chapel
had no answer for that.
ÒChristine,
please. I trust you.Ó
ÒSpock
doesnÕt deserve this. And if IÕm
suddenly with a Vulcan baby, word will get back to him. HeÕll think itÕs his.Ó
ÒYou
will tell him the truth, then, if the time comes. A version of it, at any rate. That the child is mine. A youthful indiscretion. One that might have derailed a command
track career, had you not intervened.Ó
Saavik nodded. ÒThis can work,
Christine.Ó
ÒIt
can also work if you tell him.Ó
ÒAnd
have him and Kirk take over and squeeze me out of my own childÕs life?Ó
ÒThey
wouldnÕt. They couldnÕt. Not on a ship.Ó
ÒI
do not know that for sure and neither do you. I want you to help me. I no longer fully trust Spock—he
let me back into his life when he was with you, Christine, but how do I know he
will not slam the door shut once more now that he has chosen Kirk again?Ó She met ChapelÕs eyes, and hers blazed
with hate. ÒPlease?Ó
ÒI
have to think about this. What
about Sarek? HeÕs been so good to
you.Ó
Saavik
looked down.
ÒHe
wants Spock back in his life, Saavik.
But Spock is with Jim so that wonÕt happen. But this child. SpockÕs son or daughter. You could give Sarek that. A chance to start over, to make amends.Ó
Saavik
smiled. ÒYou mean you could give
him that.Ó
Chapel looked down.
ÒThree
of us, all wanting one thing. And Spock
does not care.Ó
Chapel
thought of that peaceful planet.
Raising a child, Saavik there whenever she could be, Sarek could come
too—he had remarkable freedom to come and go as he pleased. He would include Amanda as he saw
fit—Chapel found herself not terribly concerned about AmandaÕs feelings.
It
sounded appealing—too appealing—to just disappear and never be seen
again. But of course that was
silly. She wouldnÕt disappear, not
really. Jim and Spock would always
be able to find her.
But
a child. A new start. It seemed so right after so many false
beginnings.
ÒIÕll
raise the child, but you have to tell Sarek. Ask him what you should do regarding
Spock. His answer will determine if
I take a job off world IÕve been offered or raise the child here.Ó She had worked so many hours, earned
enough credits to get a nanny for when she wasnÕt at home. And there were other jobs for her here
on Earth, ones with more normal hours.
She would not need to be so far from Sarek and Saavik, when Saavik was
back at Command.
ÒI
would like to tell him. But I know
Amanda. She will want me to include
Spock.Ó Saavik met her eyes. To ChapelÕs shock, she was crying. ÒHow can you stand it? That he left again?Ó
ÒIÕm
not his daughter. I was only ever a
stand-in for someone he loved better.
And itÕs prudent that you forgive him. I know for a fact he wants you in his
life. If I can do so, my dearest,
you can, too.Ó She reached over,
took SaavikÕs hand. ÒDo you want me
to go with you to the embassy?Ó
Saavik
nodded.
ÒAll
right. And then weÕll take it from
there.Ó
She
could imagine SarekÕs look when they told him. The hope she would see in his eyes. The ally he would be in this.
He would, of course, insist Saavik tell Spock. He might offer to be there when she
did. Might even want Chapel there,
since she was going to raise the child.
They
would all get Spock back. This
child would ensure it. Not the way
they wanted, perhaps, but then when had her life ever gone the way she
expected?
She
would raise SpockÕs child. With
SaavikÕs help. With SarekÕs
help. But ultimately, it would be
her child to bring up.
Not
according to JimÕs orders or SpockÕs wishes. In whatever manner she saw fit.
Part
of her enjoyed that idea far, far too much.
FIN