DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters
are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and
Viacom. The story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and are
copyright (c) 2013 by Djinn. This story is Rated PG-13.
The Spirit of the Season
by Djinn
Chapel
walked down the long hall of the Vulcan embassy, sure that she would not be
bombarded by anything remotely yuletide in this bastion of logic. She was wrong. Amanda had done the place up right. She slowed, sensed Spock reducing his
speed next to her.
He
settled his hand on her lower back, where he knew she liked to be touched. ÒWhen are you going to tell me why you
dislike this holiday so?Ó
ÒMy
liking it or not is irrelevant.Ó She
pulled him to her. ÒYour mother
loves this holiday, doesnÕt she?Ó
ÒShe
does. I think the state of the
great room is evidence of that.Ó He
let an eyebrow rise. ÒApparently the
chief of protocol tried to stop her.
He is newly appointed and unfamiliar with her ways—or
determination.Ó
She
smiled. ÒThen she has no need to
know that this isnÕt my favorite time of year.Ó
ÒFine,
then we will not tell her. But why
will you not explain it to me?Ó He
moved closer. ÒI am your husband. And since I recently died...Ó
ÒDo
not pull that card. Recently was
fifteen months ago. Besides, you wouldnÕt
understand.Ó She slipped away from
him, managed to plaster a smile on her face and sing out, ÒMerry ChristmasÓ to
Amanda as she walked into the enormous room turned winter wonderland.
ÒOh,
darlings, youÕre here.Ó Amanda
beamed at them. ÒIÕve put you in
the TÕKal suite.
Do you need help with your bags?Ó
ÒNo,
weÕve lugged them this far, up the stairs wonÕt kill us.Ó She hugged Amanda, then
turned to see Sarek studying her with an assessing look. She walked over to him. ÒYou have a comment?Ó
ÒYou
do not seem as happy as you did in July.
Has Spock done something to irritate you?Ó
She
laughed. ÒTrust you to assume that
straight off.Ó She took his arm,
gave him the sort of sideways hug theyÕd perfected. ÒNo, weÕre fine.Ó
ÒThen
something is amiss with you?Ó
What
was it with these Vulcan men?
Amanda was blissfully unaware of ChapelÕs Christmas angst, yet nothing
slid by Spock and Sarek. ÒIÕm just
tired.Ó
ÒHmmm.Ó
ÒIÕm
going to go unpack.Ó
ÒWe
will talk later. I would like your
help shopping for Amanda, if you donÕt mind?Ó
She
smiled. ÒI thought we went over this
on her birthday. Gems. Big and shiny.Ó
ÒChristine,
please?Ó He gave her the look that
told her he knew he was manipulating her—and that he knew she knew he was
manipulating her.
That
still didnÕt help her resist him. ÒOh,
fine. IÕll help you.Ó
He
nodded as if she was granting him a very great favor, then
went to join Amanda, who seemed to think more tinsel was needed on the tree.
ÒYou
know, tinsel is bad for the cats,Ó Chapel said, earning herself a glare from
everyone. ÒWhat? Just because these cats live in the
Vulcan embassy you think they wonÕt be attacking that tree the minute your back
is turned? Dream on.Ó She picked up her favorite cat—a
little grey tabby named Dreamer—and said, ÒArenÕt you going to climb that
tree?Ó
Dreamer
cuddled against her and purred. He
might be the sweetest of the felines, but he was also the most
destructive. Chapel gave some of
the lower ornaments a lifespan of minutes once he caught on that they were
removable—and breakable.
ÒGot
get Ôem, tiger,Ó she said as she put him down gently
and followed Spock back to their bags.
They
carried them up to the TÕKal suite, one of her
favorite rooms to stay in, and she collapsed onto the sofa. Spock sat down next to her, and she knew
he was studying her.
ÒStop
it.Ó She got up, started unpacking.
ÒMy
mother asked me an interesting question.
I did not have an answer to it.Ó
She
didnÕt stop unpacking.
ÒShe
asked me why you didnÕt have any decorations of any kind in your
apartment—she noticed when she dropped by to see you last year. I did not know the answer. You exchange Christmas gifts so I assume
that is the holiday you celebrated as a child?Ó
ÒIt
was.Ó She turned to look at
him. ÒWhy canÕt you leave this
alone?Ó
ÒBecause
you seem sadder this year and I donÕt know why. I do not remember you being sad before
around the winter holidays.Ó
ÒYou
didnÕt know me that well before.
You werenÕt living with me before.Ó
ÒAre
you saying you were sad?Ó
ÒSpock,
please. Leave it alone. I want to try to enjoy our time here,
all right? I donÕt want to play
psychoanalyze Christine. Some of us
donÕt really like the holidays. But
we play along.Ó
ÒYou
decorated on the Enterprise.Ó
ÒBecause
it was expected. I did it for
Roger, too. He expected his fiancŽe
to deck the damn halls, so I did. And
IÕll make your mom happy, I promise.
But in here, let me relax.
Let me just be me.Ó She went
back to the sofa, sat down next to him.
ÒThe me who loves you and is glad sheÕs with you, but doesnÕt want to
hear a single Christmas song playing on that speaker, you understand?Ó
He
nodded.
She
kissed him very slowly and very thoroughly. ÒThank you.Ó
##
Chapel
trailed along behind Sarek as he led her into GumpÕs, the fancy department
store that was a San Francisco landmark.
She smiled at the restrained decorations, at the clove and ginger and
orange scent that filled the air.
ÒIÕve always loved this place,Ó she murmured.
ÒAmanda
enjoys it, too.Ó He seemed to be
studying her again. ÒHow long have
you shopped here?Ó
She
tried to close down her smile somewhat.
ÒSince I was a kid. My
dad...Ó She
looked away.
ÒHe
died when you were young, did he not?Ó
She
nodded.
ÒDid
he bring you here to shop?Ó
ÒYeah.Ó
ÒAt
Christmas?Ó He was watching her
carefully, and she felt like a specimen under a microscope.
ÒIt
didnÕt look much different then.Ó
She took a deep breath.
ÒEvery year, weÕd come here to get presents for my mom. Usually from the
candle shop. She loved
anything that smelled good. The
last year they had these satin roses you hung on the door
knobs. They had sachets in
them. I bought her one that smelled
like carnations. CanÕt abide the
scent to this day.Ó She shook
herself. ÒIÕm sorry. I donÕt know why I said that.Ó
ÒYou
donÕt visit your mother when you come to Earth, do you?Ó
ÒNot
if I can help it.Ó She swallowed
hard.
ÒAnd
she was at the wedding but...clearly not a part of your life.Ó
ÒI
was eleven when my father died. He
was...this force of life. He loved
Christmas. He made Christmas, the same way Amanda does. I loved it back then. But then he was killed in a simple
little training exercise and my mother...lost her way, I guess is the
charitable way to put it.Ó Chapel
shook her head. ÒShe threw away
everything that was his. She didnÕt
even give me a chance to take what I wanted. A shirt of his. A book. She just tossed it. Too painful, I suppose, for her to see
every day, but still.Ó
ÒDid
that include the Christmas things?Ó
ÒOh,
no. She made us do Christmas
without him.Ó She could feel her
mouth going tight. ÒI was a brat
about it. That was the beginning of
the end for our relationship. We
spent the rest of my teen years beating it to death. And then I left for college—I had
a full scholarship so I didnÕt need to keep in touch with her—and didnÕt
look back. She was only at the
wedding because Spock made me invite her.Ó
Sarek
lifted an eyebrow.
She
shook her head. ÒQuite the
daughter-in-law youÕve got, huh?Ó
ÒI
am wondering why he did that to you.Ó
She
laughed. ÒMaybe he thought heÕd
like her as much as I like you.Ó At his almost smile, she shook her head. ÒHe didnÕt. ThereÕs nothing to like because sheÕs
empty.Ó
ÒJust
because she is empty does not mean you have to be. Why do you allow her to ruin your
holidays even now?Ó
Chapel
laughed, a slow expulsion of air, such a bitter sound. ÒYou make it sound so simple. Get over it.Ó
ÒIt
is never simple. My relationship
with Spock is evidence of that. But
you deserve happiness, Christine.
My wife says there is joy in the season.Ó
ÒThere
used to be.Ó
ÒPerhaps
there can be again.Ó He touched her
cheek, then looked over at the jewelry department. ÒI will not lecture you any
further. You indicated a large gem
was in order?Ó
She
smiled and let him lead her to the jewelry cases. As she helped him pick out a lovely gift
for Amanda, she thought it would be the height of irony if she rediscovered her
yuletide spirit among Vulcans.
##
ÒDid
you and Sarek have a nice day?Ó Amanda asked as she handed Chapel a glass of
wine and sat in the chair next to her.
Chapel
was sitting on the floor, playing with Dreamer and Hobo, a black and white
brute Sarek had found as a kitten.
It was like her in-laws were magnets for homeless cats. Good thing Vulcans were crazy—in a
dignified way, of course—for the animals.
ÒWe
did. I always enjoy him.Ó
ÒHe
enjoys you.Ó Amanda stroked her
hair, then began to braid it, adding in some kind of
greenery. ÒWhy do you do that?Ó
ÒDo
what?Ó
ÒGet
so stiff? Do I make you
uncomfortable when I do this?Ó She
didnÕt stop the braiding. ÒItÕs
ridiculous, I know, at my age, but I always wanted a daughter. A little girl I could dress up and do
her hair.Ó
ÒYou
cannot dress me up.Ó
Amanda
laughed. ÒFine, but can I do your
hair? Relax, Christine.Ó
Chapel
leaned back against AmandaÕs chair.
ÒBefore my dad died, my mom used to do that.Ó
ÒYou
never talk about your mom.Ó
ÒThatÕs
because I hate her.Ó The words hung
out like ugly things. So, so wrong for this time of year. ÒIÕm sorry. I mean, I donÕt hate—Ó
ÒChristine,
please. You donÕt have to pretty up
your feelings on my account. Do you
think just because I like glitter and fake snow and angels I wouldnÕt want you
to tell me the truth?Ó She went
back to whatever she was doing to ChapelÕs hair. ÒWhy do you hate her?Ó
ÒItÕs
not logical.Ó
ÒWell,
hatred rarely is.Ó Amanda sighed,
let go of ChapelÕs hair, and leaned down and hugged her tightly, whispering
into her ear. ÒJust say it.Ó
ÒEverything
that was good was my dad. My mom
took it all away. And she ruined
Christmas. IÕve hated it ever
since.Ó She reached up and held
onto Amanda. ÒIÕve hated her ever
since.Ó She wanted to cry, but her
eyes were dry. She hadnÕt cried
about this for so long. ÒBut...I
lost Roger. I know what it is to be
alone like that. How hard it
is. And we all lost Spock—but
he came back. How much would she
have given for my dad to have come back?Ó
ÒThe
world, I imagine.Ó
ÒSheÕd
have traded me for him, I know that.
I wasnÕt anything to her without him.Ó
ÒAnd
itÕs good to know that. To be
mature and assess how she must have been feeling. But does it help the little girl inside
you?Ó
ÒNo. That little girl has had to live without
her parents since she was eleven.
SheÕs pretty unforgiving.Ó
ÒWell,
she has parents now, Christine.
YouÕre our daughter. Sarek
loves you like his own, donÕt you know that? He canÕt talk to Spock the way he can
you. I think my sonÕs a little
jealous of you.Ó Amanda laughed
softly. ÒIÕm not the only one who
wanted a little girl, you know.Ó
ÒYou
have Saavik.Ó
ÒOh,
darling. Saavik is SpockÕs child,
not ours.Ó
Chapel
thought about it. ÒYouÕre right. SheÕs your grandchild. You spoil her.Ó
ÒWell,
someone has to. Spock is always
making her mind.Ó Amanda gave her a
squeeze and then let her go. ÒIf I
turn on Christmas carols will you strangle me?Ó
Chapel
laughed. ÒNo. IÕll deal.Ó
ÒThatÕs
my brave girl.Ó Amanda dialed
something up on the room controller and an old English carol filled the
room. ÒSo what did Sarek get me?Ó
ÒIÕm
not telling you that.Ó
ÒOh,
come on, a little hint wonÕt hurt.Ó
ÒNo
power on this Earth, Amanda.Ó She
went back to playing with the cats—the group had grown to include a
little orange kitten. ÒWho is
this?Ó
ÒOh,
thatÕs Naga. IsnÕt she adorable?Ó
ÒYou
realize youÕre becoming a hoarder or something?Ó
ÒNonsense. They all belong to different staff
members here. They just...tend to
do their own thing, as cats will do.Ó
Amanda laughed as the kitten jumped on top of Hobo. ÒBut sheÕs mine, IÕll admit. I fell in love with her.Ó
Chapel
picked Naga up. The kitten swiped
at her nose, then at her own tail.
ÒOkay, sheÕs pretty damn adorable.Ó
ÒYou
could have a cat.Ó
ÒNot
on JimÕs ship. Even if I am sitting
in an ops billet.Ó She grinned as
she made Naga and Dreamer leap into the air following the string.
ÒHe
doesnÕt like cats?Ó
ÒHeÕs
more a dog person. But no critters on the ship. He learned his lesson with tribbles. Plus,
regs.Ó
ÒPffff.Ó Amanda
waved her hand in the grand gesture of those who could not be bothered by
regulations.
Chapel
handed Amanda the string and pushed herself to her feet. ÒI think IÕm going to go join my husband.Ó
ÒGood
night, my dear. Sleep well. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Did you celebrate on Christmas Day or
Eve as a child?Ó
ÒDay.Ó
Amanda
nodded. ÒMy family did, too. So we continue that tradition here. Christmas Eve is for a good meal.Ó
ÒAnd
Santa.Ó
ÒI
was going to say Church. But I go
to that alone. Vulcan men arenÕt
much for deities.Ó She looked down
and Chapel recognized something in her face, a kindred spirit, going it alone.
ÒIÕll
go with you.Ó
ÒYou
will?Ó
Chapel
nodded. ÒI shouldnÕt let my mom go
to church alone on Christmas Eve, now should I?Ó Suddenly, her eyes were blurry, and she
blinked furiously. Now she was
crying?
AmandaÕs
smile was luminous. ÒNo, I suppose you
shouldnÕt. I go to the ten oÕclock
service. The church is just down
the street. We can walk.Ó
ÒSounds
good.Ó She tried to pretend she
wasnÕt trying not to cry.
She
thought Amanda was trying to do the same thing.
##
She
found Spock on the sofa reading.
She walked over to the room controller, dialed up some Christmas music
and let it play softly as she walked over to him and climbed onto his lap,
taking the padd away from him.
ÒI
thought you said—Ó
ÒI
know what I said. But itÕs a
womanÕs prerogative to change her mind.Ó
She smiled at him, knew her expression was finally untroubled. ÒIÕm sorry I shut you out. I can show you why I am sad, if you
want?Ó
He
nodded and reached for the meld points, joined with her easily, and she let him
hover as they just touched for a
moment. The meld could be so
intimate when it was like this, so warm and safe.
She
gave him a picture of what to look for, could feel him finding his way through
the memories, to ones she normally kept locked down—even from him.
It
was hard to let him in, even when she really wanted to, and he waited patiently
while she slowly relaxed and forced down her inner walls. Then he moved gently, as if going too
fast might spook her, might cause her to raise her
defenses again.
She
let him see it all, let him feel it all. DidnÕt hide any of it, not the way her
mother made her hurt, not the horrible way she behaved to a woman who was so
clearly in pain. Not even the anger
she felt at her father.
When
Spock finally pulled away, she was trembling violently. He held her close, rubbing his hands down
her back, as if trying to warm her up.
ÒI
never felt like I belonged to anyone after I lost my dad, and then
her—even if she was right in front of me. I went after people who were never going
to give me all of their heart.
Roger. You.Ó She pulled away so she could look at
him. ÒI didnÕt want to be hurt that
way again. But then you died. And when you came back, you were
different.Ó
ÒMy
brother was part of it, what he taught me.
And my death. Time had run out and then been handed
back to me. I wanted to share my
life with someone. With you.Ó
She
ran her hand down his cheek, smiled when he closed his eyes at her touch. ÒAnd suddenly you werenÕt so
inaccessible. And I was in danger
again. And thatÕs I think why this
Christmas has been so scary for me.
I didnÕt expect it to be.
And itÕs not now. Because youÕre not my mom or my dad. And neither are your parents. And IÕm not that little girl any
more. I need to let her go. I need to let her grow up and move on.Ó
ÒDo
you need to forgive your mother?Ó
She
shrugged. ÒSomeday maybe. Not today. Not tomorrow. Or this Christmas. Baby steps, okay?Ó
He
nodded.
ÒIÕm
gonna fix me first. Then IÕll maybe reach out to her. But Spock, there may not be much of a
her to reach out to.Ó
ÒI
realize that. I realized that when
I talked to her at our wedding. IÕm
sorry I forced that when you did not want her there.Ó
She
nodded. ÒItÕs done. I love you. I know you love me. You did it with the best intentions.Ó She heard the music change to ÒThe Coventry
CarolÓ and leaned against him.
ÒThis was my fatherÕs favorite.Ó
ÒIt
is lovely.Ó
ÒIÕm
glad you came back to life, Spock.Ó
ÒAs
am I.Ó He pulled her to him, kissed
her more fiercely than she expected.
ÒI am sorry I did not reach for you sooner.Ó
ÒMaybe
we happened exactly when we were supposed to.Ó
ÒA
very sanguine way of looking at things.Ó
He eased her up, let her pull him up after
her. ÒEverything in its own time.Ó
ÒExactly. Change. Growth. Forgiveness. Even...renewal.Ó She began to take off his clothes. ÒI love you.Ó
He
returned the favor. ÒAnd I love
you. That you do not need to ever
question.Ó
ÒI
know.Ó
As
he took her hand and led her to the bed, he said, ÒThank you for letting me
in.Ó
ÒYouÕre
welcome. Thank you for not pushing.Ó She pushed him to his back, crawled on
top of him.
He
frowned. ÒIs that mistletoe in your
hair?Ó
ÒIf
it is, blame your mother.Ó She
smiled and kissed him, then said, ÒMerry Christmas, Spock.Ó
He
lifted her until she was sitting more to his liking, barely got out, ÒMerry
Christmas, Christine,Ó before he started to move.
She
didnÕt mind. This was a great way
to work her way back into the season.
FIN