DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters
are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are
the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2001 by Djinn. This
story is Rated PG-13.
Souls in Velvet Night
by Djinn
Being dead, Christine thought
idly as she watched Spock meditate, was a lot more boring than she would have
imagined. Killing herself really had
been one of the stupider things she'd ever done...in this incarnation
anyway. She was starting to remember
other lifetimes and other actions, some nearly as ill-conceived as the one that
had landed her here. Not that she was
being punished. She had elected to stay
near Spock. And she'd had plenty of time to think about her suicide since she
had first awakened to find her mother waiting for her. Time was something she had in abundance in
this in-between state she had chosen.
She watched as he rose and
pulled off his robe, exchanging it for a uniform that he then inspected
carefully. It was immaculate and
wrinkle-free. For a moment, as he looked
in the mirror, he seemed almost nervous.
Christine felt her interest perk up.
What could make Spock so concerned about his appearance?
A chime sounded and he
schooled his features into their normal serene state. "Come."
A woman walked in. Young, lithe, vibrant, Vulcan. Of course.
Valeris, Christine felt a surge of irritation. Once a constant fixture in his life. But less so since graduating from the Academy. Her first assignments had kept her away from
her sponsor, if that was how Valeris thought of Spock. Christine had long suspected that the young
woman wanted to be more to him than just a protégé.
Christine moved closer to
study this rival. Valeris was pretty, in
a stark sort of way. But what was
this? Christine leaned in closer. Not a smile, but her eyes seemed to
twinkle. She was clearly glad to see
Spock.
And he was very happy to see
her. Christine recognized the look on
his face. She had seen it often enough
when he was with Kirk, or sometimes McCoy.
And later, after V-Ger, during their second five-year mission, she had
seen it displayed for her. But that was
before he died. And came back. Before she died. And didn't come back. She wondered if he even thought of her at all
anymore. It had been...well it had been
some time since she died. She found it
difficult to track the passing years.
"Lieutenant
Valeris." His resonant voice filled
the room. "I am gratified to see
you."
"Captain Spock. I was most pleased to be invited to accompany
you on your upcoming mission."
"We needed a helmsman
and you were available. A fortuitous
coincidence of situation."
"Fortuitous
indeed." She moved closer to him,
her voice dropped huskily. "I have
missed you, Sir."
She lacks subtlety, Christine
thought sourly.
"As I have missed you,
Lieutenant." His face had not
changed expression but Christine could tell he was pleased by the woman's
admission. He moved toward the
door. "We will not leave for some
months. We will have much time to get
reacquainted, Valeris. Now, it is time
to report to work. Will you walk with
me?"
She followed him out with a
slight smile. Christine considered going
after them but found the idea too depressing.
Maybe I should have listened to Mom.
Thoughts of Fiona filled her mind.
"You can still come back
with me, you know. Anytime you
want." Her mother, called by
Christine's thoughts of her, smiled in greeting as she pulled her daughter into
a hug.
Christine felt the welcome
snap of energy when her mother touched her.
Her rational self realized that the body Fiona used was only a
construct, chosen because it was familiar and made Christine comfortable. She knew that the touches she had come to
love were really exchanges of energy not flesh and bone. But it made her feel better now to hold on to
what she knew and to accept what she felt at face value. Truth was at times overrated.
"If Valeris stays around
I may have to," Christine smiled.
"But it still feels right to be here."
"So you'll stay?"
"For now. How is Dad?"
Fiona's face became softer as
she thought of her soul mate. "He's
doing well. We're working on our next
life now. Trying to find something a
little less emotionally wracking."
"I'm all for
that." Christine thought back to
the first time Fiona had brought him around to see her. He had elected to wear a body that bore no
resemblance to the man who had sired her, but she had known him immediately
anyway. Phillip Chapel had held open his
arms and said, "Where's my girl?"
She had happily fallen into them.
Since then he had come to visit her many times. Unlike her mother, he never tried to convince
her to come back to the fold. She had asked
him why once.
"You'll come home when
you're ready. Sometimes it takes a while
especially after a traumatic end. And I
trust your judgment, kiddo. If you think
you need to stay with Spock, then stay with him."
She loved spending time with
him, but she enjoyed even more watching Phillip and Fiona interact. They had shed the angry passion that had so
repelled her when she was alive. They
seemed somehow both serene and more animated than she had ever seen. And their love for each other was clear. Her mother had tried to explain it to her.
"When we're here, in our
natural state, we just understand each other.
There isn't the confusion that reigns when we are incarnated. We truly know each other. Far more than we ever did when we were
mortal. You call us Phillip and Fiona in
your mind as if that is who we really are, but they were just temporary
roles. We are so much more than
that." They even had different
names, Rondo and Melissa, but she found she could not get used to calling them
that.
"It doesn't
matter," her mother allowed.
"You aren't really Christine either, but since you haven't come
fully back it is still easy for you to identify with that persona. When you join us you'll have no trouble
remembering it all."
"Is that why I'm not as
calm as you two? Why I get annoyed or
angry and sad?"
Fiona nodded. "You still feel those things because you
have not completely shed your last life.
But you will eventually. And the
longer you stay here, the less you'll be tied to Earth."
"So this woman,"
Christine focused for a moment and then they were in the conference room
standing behind Valeris' chair, "won't bother me someday?"
Her mother laughed. "That's right. But I have a feeling it won't be anytime
soon." Her look became unfocused
for a moment. "That was Rondo. I have to go.
We have to choose soon."
"Are you happy about
going back?"
Fiona nodded. "I want another chance. So does he.
And we're willing to try it together again." She suddenly laughed as her gaze again turned
inward. "I really have to go. I love you, Christine."
"Love you too,
Mother," she replied affectionately as her mother flashed away.
****************************
"Personal log,"
there was a long pause, "I must report that," again a pause, then his
hand reached out to delete the entry. He
took several deep breaths. He must find
balance. Had to control this dark
emotions he felt inside.
But they were so strong. Hopelessness and fear. Pain and grief. Anger.
So much anger. He had never felt
such blackness threatening him before.
This was too much to bear. Yet he
must. He owed her that.
"Personal log. After months of battling illness, my mother
passed away yesterday on Vulcan."
There, much better. Logical,
precise, but not cold. She would not
want cold.
Cold. Was it cold where she was now? Was it anything? She was not Vulcan. She had no Katra to place with the
ancestors. What became of a human when
they died? His mind flashed back. To brown hair and blue eyes. What had become of Christine when she had
brought about her own death? He
remembered her better than he wished to.
Remembered the few short
months they had shared as lovers. Before
he left for the training cruise. Before
she thought he would never come back.
Before he did. He tried to feel
now the grief he should have felt then.
When McCoy had come to him. Tired
eyes pleading with him to show some emotion. "Spock. It's terrible," his voice had broken,
then he had fought for some semblance control, "Christine Chapel died
today."
Spock had not reacted.
"Maybe you weren't
listening, Spock? I said," McCoy's
eyes had been angry, "that the woman who loved you killed yourself
today."
He had looked at him
dispassionately. "I regret the loss
of the life, Doctor. I wish that I
remembered her better."
"Damn your green Vulcan
hide, Spock!" McCoy let his
emotions fly.
Spock dimly recalled the
doctor behaving this way in the past. It
was still so confusing. "You were
friends with her. I grieve with thee."
"Grieve with yourself,
you cold-blooded monster. She wasn't my
lover. She was yours." The doctor had stormed out.
McCoy had forgiven him
eventually. By that time, Spock could
remember what had been lost. It had hurt
but in a more distant way. Not with the
immediacy of this.
The comm unit buzzed and he
considered ignoring it. It buzzed
again. He reached over and answered it,
voice only. "Spock here."
"Sir, I just heard. Can I get you anything?" Valeris' voice was rich with sympathy.
He wanted to ask her to come,
wanted her with him. But he did not wish
her to see him in such a turbulent state.
"No ensign. I would like to
be alone."
Her voice showed no
offense. "Of course, Captain. I grieve with thee."
"Thank you,
Valeris."
He reached over and cut the
connection. She was kind. His mother would like her..
His mother. His mind seemed to stall over those
words. Did he still have a mother? She was gone.
No, that sounded as if she had just left for a trip. His mother was dead. She was dead.
Dead. No katra. Lost.
Never coming back. Never. And he had not been there. Had not gone.
His thoughts whirled, a maelstrom of emotion that threatened to
overwhelm him. He sat rigid in his
chair, unmoving as he fought a silent battle with grief.
Grief won.
*******************************
Christine watched as Spock
tried to complete his personal log. She
had taken to letting her attention drift away from him for long stretches of
time. When something interesting
happened she focused on him, otherwise she allowed herself to delve into all
the memories of her own lives that she was gaining access to. But now, something was wrong. She could feel his distress as if it were her
own. What has happened, she wondered.
Suddenly a figure appeared in
the room. It took Christine a moment to
realize that the woman could see her.
And that she recognized her.
Amanda.
"You're dead," she
whispered.
The woman nodded. She walked to Spock, put her arms around him,
held him tightly. Or tried to.
"He can't feel you. Or see or hear you."
"But you can?" Amanda frowned. "Of course. You died.
I remember now. I'd forgotten so
much at the end. But now I
remember."
Spock was just ending a
call. His pain radiated to Christine and
she winced at a sensation she herself had ceased to experience directly.
"He hurts."
Amanda's eyes were luminous
with compassion. "Yes." She leaned in again as Spock broke down.
Christine watched for a
moment. The she allowed herself to
drift, giving Amanda time with her son.
When she came back to the
cabin, it was empty. More time had
passed than she realized. She thought
intently of Spock and found herself in a cemetery, standing next to him as the
coffin was lowered into the ground. His
pain was still apparent to her, but he had it under much better control. She looked around for Amanda but did not see
her. But on the other side of Spock
stood Valeris. Christine watched as the
woman laid her hand on top of his for just a moment. He looked at her and nodded. "I grieve with thee," she
whispered. He only nodded as their eyes
met and held.
He doesn't need me now,
Christine realized. She considered going
to her mother, but something told her that she should not abandon Spock.
Fine. She wouldn't abandon him. But she also wasn't going to watch the play
by play of this courtship. She laid her
hands on his back, felt the resonance of his sadness. This will draw me back, she thought. If he feels this again, I will come
back.
With a final look at the
couple, she flashed out.
Interlude II – Rage
Spock felt buoyed by a sense
of hope he had not known for some time.
He had worked so long for this, struggled against those who would fight
change. Now it was finally happening. He sat again on this ship, served again with
this man he would die for, had died for.
And this time Valeris was at his side.
He could imagine her
excitement as she piloted the ship out of spacedock. He remembered the effect that Kirk had had on
him when he was first exposed to him.
The man's charisma and unexpected innocence were a powerful
combination. He had often heard it said
that Kirk was a Captain you would cheerfully follow into Hell...and back out
again. Because Kirk always brought them
home. Always.
Looking around at the
familiar faces, Spock experienced a tug of nostalgia. This was so like those times on the older
version of this ship. The one that Kirk
had destroyed for him. The same dear
faces. Or nearly the same. Sulu was gone, lost to the siren call of his
own ship. He had taken
Another name came to
mind. Christine. He tried not to think of her often. He saw no logic in it. Yet her loss still haunted him. He had loved her. Not for very long it was true. But for the time that she had allowed him in,
he had been drawn to her in a way he would never have predicted. He had always wondered how much more intense
it would have become for them when they finally bonded.
But that had never
happened. Genesis and Khan had ripped
them apart. The refusion had left his
memories confused. He had not remembered
her. Not in time, anyway. She had mixed a lethal dose of meds and put
an end to a life that had already sustained too much damage. She was gone.
Forever. Yet at times, he could
swear he felt her near.
He pulled his thoughts back
to the present. The ship was clear of
spacedock and on her way to the rendezvous with the Klingons. He turned to his station but not before
indulging in another look at Valeris.
Her body, held so taut during the undocking, was relaxed now. She seemed content to be here on this ship,
with this crew...with him. He was filled
with satisfaction. He had worked long
and hard for it and now everything he wanted was finally coming to pass.
*********************
Christine was abruptly drawn
back to Spock's side, called by the rage she felt within him. They were on the bridge of the
Valeris was there. And she was clearly in trouble. Standing alone in front of the
viewscreen. The other members of the
bridge crew staring daggers at her. She
seemed to be defending herself for something.
What had Christine missed here, she wondered frantically?
Kirk asked tensely, "Who
is *us*?"
She was calm. "Everyone who stands to lose from
peace."
He was impatient,
"Names, Lieutenant."
She was the quintessential
Vulcan. "My comrades will make
certain all your ship to shore transmissions are jammed."
"Names,
Lieutenant!" Kirk was getting
angry.
"I do
not…remember." She turned her back
on them all.
Spock's voice rang out. "A lie?"
She looked back at him. "A choice."
Kirk said one word,
"Spock."
And then Christine felt
it. The rage was exploding inside
him. He wanted to hurt this woman. She jumped in front of him, intent on keeping
him away from Valeris. He walked right
through her.
"Spock, no..." She screamed it.
No one heard.
Then he was on the young
Vulcan. Pulling her to him when she
sought to escape, forcing her to give up the names. Christine had experienced his mind touch, it
was formidable even at its most gentle.
What must this feel like to Valeris?
To have him tear through her that way?
She began to speak, his voice joining hers as they called out
names. Kirk wanted the location of a
peace conference. She resisted
again. Don't do it, Christine
urged. Just tell him what he wants.
But she didn't. And Spock seemed to go deeper. It was clear he was hurting her. There were tears. Christine had never seen tears from a Vulcan,
or heard one cry out that way. She heard
Uhura gasp.
Christine moved closer to
Spock. Tried to touch him. Then pulled them back a bit when she
couldn't. She felt something. There.
If she just held back a bit. An
energy field. Around his body. She could feel her own body respond. She concentrated on him as she searched for
the field with her other hand.
*Spock. This is wrong. Stop this.
Don't hurt her anymore. Stop
this.*
He dropped his hands
abruptly, severing the link.
She breathed a sigh of
relief. Unsure if she had reached him or
not.
His voice was broken. "She does not know." Slowly he made his way up to where Kirk
stood.
They questioned Valeris a bit
longer then security dragged her away.
Spock continued to work, to fight, for something that Christine didn't
understand. It had to do with Klingons,
and with a conference. She didn't really
care. All that mattered was inside of
him. She could feel his emotions. Rage, disappointment, shame. And these feelings didn't go away. Not when they beamed down and prevented a
murder. Not when the mission was over
and the
Christine was afraid for
him.
And so was Kirk. He came to him repeatedly. Worried for his friend, feeling guilty
himself. Spock began to retreat from
him. Not physically, but
emotionally. This man he had followed
into every danger became someone that he took pains to avoid.
Kirk sought him out when the
ship was near Spacedock.
"Spock? Something is wrong
between us and I want to put it right.
But I don't know what it is."
Spock said nothing.
"Please. If I've offended you?"
"You could not offend
me, Jim. But I have offended all that is
Vulcan. What I did, on the bridge...it
was wrong. And it was at your behest. Or so I tried to tell myself. But it was also for myself. Because I hated her. Because she had betrayed me."
"Because you loved
her?"
Spock nodded. "I have become too human. Too at ease with that part of myself. I have allowed emotion to take hold of me. It was acceptable for a time. But now it is not. I need time away."
Kirk seemed aghast. "Not Gol again, Spock? That isn't you."
"No, not Gol. I would not be welcome there in any
case. I will find my own balance. I will do it my own way."
"But, you'll stay
here? You won't leave us all again will
you?"
She was as interested in the
answer as Kirk was.
"I must be alone for a
while. I plan to return to Vulcan for a
time. We have a retreat in the
mountains. It will give me the peace I
need to find my true path."
"Vulcan?" Kirk's voice was very small. "For how long?"
"I do not
know." He suddenly seemed
impatient. "This is not about you,
Captain. This is about me and about how
I could possibly be capable of the violence I committed against someone for
whom I cared."
"Spock, it was
understandable. The stress of the
moment..."
"Might be an acceptable
excuse for you. But not for me."
They stood in silence for a
moment. Then Kirk gave him a defeated
half-smile. "So when are you
going?" His smile faded when he
heard the answer.
"As soon as we
dock. I have already arranged a leave of
absence with Star Fleet and I have reservations on a shuttle headed for
Vulcan."
"Just like
that?" Kirk seemed angry now.
"Yes, Jim." Spock's voice was hard. "Just like that."
"Well. Good luck with that then." Kirk, lips tight, turned. Without looking back, he said, "There
are people here that love you, Spock.
Just because she betrayed you doesn't mean we will. Just because you reacted badly doesn't mean
you will again. Stay here. Stay here and fight for the life you've
made."
"I no longer want that
life."
The captain's shoulders
drooped and he walked out of the room.
His whispered "Good-bye" was nearly inaudible to her.
If Spock heard he gave no
indication.
What have you done, she
thought miserably. What have you done?
Interlude III – Loss
Spock's world compressed down
to one small point of consciousness. As
he had been taught so long ago, he sought the stillness, embraced the dark
peace. I am nothing, he focused. I am solely a speck in this infinite space.
*A sadistic speck.* Valeris' mind voice rang loud in his
head. He did not know if she was really
there or if his own mind provided this distraction.
*I did what was
expedient. There was no time for any
other course of action.*
Her voice was bitter. *So you claim, over and over.*
He instructed his mind to
ignore her emotion. It was not logical
to assume his former protégé actually spoke to him. There was no reason for such a link. They were not bonded. And she was far away, locked up in a
rehabilitation center. She could not be
talking to him. Yet his mind chose her
to speak to him. Why?
He had come to this place to
find a balance. This retreat was both
laboratory and sanctuary. He had been
examining his life, his actions, all the things that had led up to
Khitomer...to Valeris. He had made
little progress at first. Found it
difficult to view his own existence with any kind of objectivity.
He had almost given up. Then she had begun to speak to him. At first he had been too startled to answer
her accusations. But as he grew accustomed
to the sensation, he had begun to appreciate her assistance. She always started at the same point: her violation at his hands on the
bridge. But once that was over, she
would challenge him on some other previously unexamined part of his past.
*You have a history of mental
trespass.*
He ignored her.
*You have no respect for the
borders between what is right and what is wrong.*
He considered this. As a Vulcan, he had been well taught in
ethics. What did this new line of attack
mean? *Specify.*
*Witness.*
He was suddenly flooded with
memories. First the scene on the bridge,
his hand on Valeris' arm, pulling her to him savagely. His mind shied away.
*Then see this.*
He was drawn back so many
years ago. He lay stretched out on a
bed, his hands again on the face of a woman.
Christine. *I saved her.*
*You trespassed. She invited you in and you took extreme
advantage.*
He remembered Christine's
anger when she awoke to realize he was reliving her memories. *It was not like that.*
*At least for her you left
the memories intact.*
*What do you mean? I did nothing to your memories.*
*No, not to mine. But to his.*
A scene from even earlier
began to play. Kirk sat at his desk,
head on folded arms. Exhausted. Spock stood behind. Touched Kirk's face. Spoke one word. "Forget."
He felt anger fill him. He yelled at the Valeris-voice. *I was trying to help him. He was in such pain.*
*It is the nature of humans
to grieve for what has died. Pain is
part of the process.*
*Too much pain.*
*Was that for you to decide?*
*He was in no shape to
discuss it.*
*But you didn't even ask him,
Spock. Perhaps he would have preferred
to remember Rayna, even if pain were the price.*
*He was my friend. I did not wish to see him hurting.*
*You did not wish? It is not always about you.*
Spock was weary of the
discussion. He sought to escape it.
*Don't run away. I only have one more thing to show you.*
He was in the engine
room. McCoy was telling him not to go
into the warp core. He pretended to
agree, then stunned him. "Remember."
The scene froze. *Would it have been so hard to ask him? To warn him?*
*There was no time.*
*Yes, I know. It was expedient.*
*I had to do it.*
*Why?* The voice was genuinely puzzled.
He almost answered then at
the last moment fell silent.
*Why was this permissible,
Spock?*
His thoughts were but a
whisper. *I had to go on.*
*Ah. Finally.
You do admit it. This was about
you. Your pride. Your need to go on.*
*But I was correct. I live now, against all odds. I would be but a shell if I had not left my
katra with him.*
*The odds now are entirely in
favor of that. But at the time, refusion
was a fantasy, even joining with the ancestors was a dim possibility. You were desperate. You risked his life, his very sanity, so that
some part of you would not die.*
He was quiet for some
time. Finally he breathed, *Yes.*
*He did not invite you in.*
*No.*
*You trespassed.*
His voice was pained. *Yes.*
*Think on that and consider
us all as you do. Determine what it means
for your future.*
*My future?*
Her voice was tender. *If you always assume you know what is best,
then how will you ever be open to the other possibilities?*
He could feel her presence
weakening.
*Wait.* He felt her stop for a moment. *Are you real?*
Her laugh was sweet. *I am a true voice, Spock. But perhaps not so real...just the voice of
the only one you will listen to.*
With a rush she was gone and
he was fully alert. He looked at the
chrono. He had been at this for
hours. Talking to Valeris...to himself?
He rose and walked to the
comm unit in the main room, called the Vulcan Embassy on Earth. The aide that answered recognized him
immediately. "Captain Spock."
"I need to speak with
the Ambassador."
"At once, Sir."
The screen went black for a
moment, then Sarek's face appeared.
"My son. Are you still on Vulcan?"
"I am, my father. The retreat is most comfortable."
"You must use it
whenever you like, Spock. Consider it
your own."
"Most kind."
Sarek studied his son
carefully. "Trading pleasantries is
not why you called."
"It is not. I wish to know the progress that has been
made with Valeris."
Sarek's expression
darkened. "I did not wish to
trouble you."
"Trouble me?"
"With bad news. I know you have been on a course of
reflection. I chose not to disturb
it. I knew you would emerge in
time."
"Then the treatments
have not been a success?"
"Spock, we were somewhat
mislead on the nature of her incarceration."
"We?" Spock was suddenly suspicious. His father had access to places he could
never go.
"You, then. It was believed that not all the conspirators
were unmasked."
"But I was the one that
questioned her. She had no more
information. I am sure of it."
"Oh we did not believe
that she knew who they were, but we allowed word to leak that she knew far more
than originally thought."
"You hoped to draw them
out. You used her as bait."
"Yes. And it worked. Three separate attempts on her life. The assassins were quite unwilling to take
the blame."
"And Valeris?"
Sarek looked uncomfortable.
"She lives."
"In what fashion?"
"During the last
attempt, she was wounded, quite severely.
There was massive trauma to the head.
The healers saved her life. But
the brain was too badly injured. The
Valeris you knew is gone. She is little
more than a child."
Spock remembered the quick
mind, the sparkling wit of the young woman he had cared for. All of it gone?
"She is an innocent now,
Spock. She was released to a care
facility where she will live out her days.
I have made sure that she will never lack for anything."
"Guilt, Father?"
Sarek frowned slightly. "I have nothing to feel guilty
for."
"But you gave her no
choice. You just did this to her."
"It had to be done,
Spock. For the sake of..."
Spock finished his thought,
"Expediency."
"Exactly."
"When do we stop? When is it no longer right for us to impose
our will on another?"
"Spock, your reaction is
not logical. We did only what had to be
done."
"At the cost of a
life."
"To save others. The good of the many, Spock."
"I am aware of the
saying."
"I have a meeting. I must go.
Perhaps we should continue this discussion later?"
"That is not necessary,
Father." Spock's tone was final.
"As you wish. Live long, my son, and prosper."
"Peace and long
life," Spock answered as he cut the connection.
He roamed the garden for a
while, idly taking in the new growth.
So the voice was not
hers. He was disappointed in a fundamental
way. He suspected that when he next
engaged in meditation it would be his own voice that tested him.
Valeris. Gone now.
Like Christine. Like T'Pring
even, when her presence was wrenched violently from his mind the evening she
and Stonn joined.
And Jim. What of his friend? He had left him behind when he came
here. He had ignored the messages,
tried to distance himself from a man he feared had come to mean more to him
than he should.
He was suddenly overcome with
the need to hear Kirk's voice. He went
back to the comm unit, dialed the code he knew by heart. There was no answer. He replayed the messages, starting with the oldest. Kirk was worried for him. Couldn't he help? Couldn't they talk?
Spock could tell that Kirk
was bored being planet bound. As the
messages played he could see the unhappiness become more etched into his
friend's face. Until the last
message. It had come in yesterday.
Kirk looked haggard. His voice was raw. "Spock?
Can't you even tell me that you're there?" He paused, trying to push down emotion. "I don't want to do this alone. You should be there. The
Spock closed his eyes as
regret overwhelmed him. He should have
been there. But it was too late to go
now. He would contact Jim when he returned. He would not lose this too. Resolved, he returned to his meditations.
*******************************
Christine was finding it
increasingly difficult to focus on Spock.
He had mastered the art of meditating for many hours, which, while it no
doubt was proving useful to him, was excruciatingly boring to watch.
So she drifted through the days,
exploring memories, checking in on friends still alive, and drifting in a misty
haze.
"You really should come
home."
Christine snapped to full
consciousness at the sound of Fiona's voice.
She easily hugged her mother, enjoying the feel of her love. But, she realized, something was
different. She pulled back to look at
the other woman.
Fiona appeared as she always
did, but Christine could sense something was off. "Mom, has something happened? You don't feel right."
Her mother nodded, "I've
gone back, Christine."
"You mean to
Earth?"
"Well to Q'onoS,
actually. But yes, you've got the basic
idea."
"So your energy is
there?"
"Most of it. We always leave something of ourselves
here. But this time I took a lot more,
figured I could use all the help I could get."
"So you're not Fiona
anymore?" Christine felt the same
fuzzy confusion she always felt when she thought about this.
Fiona frowned. "See, this is why I wish you'd come
home. It would all be so
clear." She held up her hands as
Christine started to protest. "I
know, I know, you're not ready. I'll
explain it again. The part of me that
lives here, the true soul, is Melissa.
Fiona was an incarnation identity.
Now I'm Kevrilk. I'll be someone
else the next time.
"And Dad?"
"Oh, he'll be Klingon
too."
"Because the two of you
didn't get enough yelling in your last life?"
"Despite the way we
fought with each other when we were your parents, we were both rather passive
people, especially your father. We never
faced things, never confronted anyone.
Being Klingon will allow us to work on that."
"Plus you'll get to deal
with bad hair days, armor chafing, and revolting food. Doesn't seem like a big step up to me,
Mom."
"It's not. It's more a step over. Each life we choose allows us to work on one
or more aspects of ourselves that needs attention. What may seem like a strange choice from your
perspective, may be exactly the situation needed to teach us something valuable,
like courage and honor."
"I feel that you're
right even if I don't understand it."
Out of the corner of her eye, Christine saw Spock rise. "Hey, he's actually doing
something."
Spock walked to the comm unit
and turned it on. It was a message from
Uhura. "Mr. Spock..I." Her face was tearstained. She swallowed hard and started again. "I have some bad news."
He waited.
"Captain Kirk...there
was an accident, he was trying to save the ship, save them all. Sulu and Scotty. Chekov too.
They can't find him."
His eyebrow rose. "You've lost the Captain?"
"They think he's
dead."
There was silence on both
ends of the comm unit. Then Spock seemed
to rouse himself. "They
think?"
"They've searched
everywhere. They can't find him."
"Understood. Spock out."
"But, Sir, don't you
want to come to the memorial?
It's..."
"I shall not be
there," he said curtly as he switched the comm unit off.
Christine watched with
concern as he began to pace. He was
muttering softly. "Should have felt
him die. Out of touch. An accident."
As he continued to pace,
Christine could see guilt and grief warring on his face.
"Should have been
there. By your side. Take your place. Can't feel you. Can't reach you."
Fiona moved to stand near
her. "He is holding it in. Trying to rationalize pain. He needs to let it out."
"It's not his way,"
Christine told her. She looked around
the room.
Her mother followed her
gaze. "What are you doing?"
"Waiting for him. He'll come here surely?"
"Who?" Fiona was clearly confused.
"Kirk."
"Why would he show up
here?"
Christine frowned. Why was her mother being so dense, she
wondered. "Because I did, Amanda
did."
"But you were both
dead."
"Haven't you been paying
attention? So is Kirk."
Fiona sighed heavily. "I forgot that you can't feel them
all. Can't just know how things
are. Kirk isn't dead."
"But they said..."
Fiona interrupted her
impatiently, "See for yourself."
Christine glanced over at
Spock. He had stopped pacing, was saying
nothing. He stood in front of a
mirror. She wondered what he saw. She remembered the last time she had stared
at herself that way. It was one of the
last things she ever did.
She walked over to him, moved
her hands until she could feel his energy.
"Not your fault," she repeated until finally he moved to his
meditation area again, sank into position.
He was all right for the moment.
She thought of Kirk.
And found him. In a place where nothing was real but it was
everything a person could want.
Fiona appeared beside
her. "It's called the Nexus. It's a dream world that he controls. Anything he wants will become real."
Christine moved over to where
Kirk was standing on a deck of a house high in the mountains. She gingerly reached out to him. He was still real but he felt different
somehow.
"He's not alive. Not in the same way. Think of this as a sort of very active
suspended animation."
"He'll be okay?"
Christine asked her.
"Oh yes. Nothing can
hurt him in here."
But Spock was hurting; Christine
could feel it throughout her entire being.
"Go to him," Fiona
urged.
"Yes." Christine agreed as she winked out.
Interlude IV – Separation
Spock adjusted his robes as
he waited for his father to beam over from the Vulcan Embassy. He was unsure why Sarek wanted to see him but
found that he resented the intrusion. He
had little time between missions and he had been anticipating some relaxation
alone with no distractions.
He heard the whine of the
transporter and then his father stood before him. He had not come alone. Standing beside him was a young human
woman. She smiled when she saw Spock.
Sarek stepped forward. "My son.
It is good to see you. I trust
you are well?"
"I am." Spock's voice sounded cold even to his own
ears. There was an uncomfortable
silence.
"You do not ask, but I
too am well. In fact," he turned to
the woman, indicated she should join him, "I wanted to introduce you to
part of the reason why."
She smiled at Spock's father
in a way that made it clear she adored him.
"You do me honor, Sarek."
"The honor is
mine," he said fondly. He turned
back to Spock. "This is
Perrin."
Spock was about to greet the
stranger when his father continued.
"She who is my
wife."
He heard the words with shock,
watched in disbelief as Sarek held his fingers up in the ritual gesture, saw
Perrin return it unhesitatingly.
"Your wife?" He kept his voice calm.
"Yes. It would please me if you welcomed her to the
family."
Spock felt anger build within
him. "No doubt."
Perrin began to look
uncomfortable. She turned to her
husband. "Sarek, this is a shock
for your son. He must feel many things
hearing such news." She smiled warmly at Spock.
He knew his tone was almost
mocking as he answered her. "If you
knew anything about Vulcans you would realize that I do not feel anything at
all about you or your marriage to my father."
As she reddened, Sarek's face
grew cold. "You give much offense,
my son. You owe better to she who is
head woman of our household."
Spock knew he should
apologize but found that he could not.
Instead he turned his back on them and walked out to the garden.
Sarek came out a moment
later. He looked at his son with
disapproval.
"Is she in tears?"
Spock taunted his father.
"She is not. She comports herself as befits a member of
one of Vulcan's oldest houses. If only
you could do the same."
"Do you want my
approval, Father?"
Sarek stood tall. "I do not need your approval for this or
anything. But you are my son. I seek to include you in my life. And you have been distant of late. I knew you would not like the idea of my
having taken a new wife, but I would have thought you would get to know her
before you judged her."
"How old is she?"
Sarek seemed on the verge of
sighing. "I fail to see..."
Spock interrupted. "Was she your student? Someone that worked at the Embassy? A daughter of a friend?"
"She worked at the
Embassy."
"Ah," again Spock's
voice was mocking, "she was nearby then when the burning came upon you and
you had no choice but to reach for the closest thing, no matter how
unsuitable."
"It was not like
that."
"Why else would an old
man choose to bond with a woman who could be his great
granddaughter?" His knew his tone
was bitter.
"You go too far,
Spock."
"I disagree. I'm sure my mother would as well."
Sarek looked genuinely
angry. "Your mother made me promise
on her deathbed that if I found someone I cared for I would marry again. She did not see me thriving alone. It is a shame that you did not inherit her
generosity, my son."
"You care for her? This child?"
"She is not a
child. And yes, I care for her."
Spock let disdain cross is
face. "I find that hard to
believe."
"You cannot accept that
I might truly care for Perrin?"
"No, my father, I
cannot."
Sarek shook his head. "I am sorry you have such limited
experience with love, Spock." He
saw his son's shock. "Love. I can say the word. Can you?"
"I have no need to say
it."
Now it was Sarek who mocked,
"Perhaps because the three women you loved have all either betrayed or
deserted you?"
The blow hit home. Spock's anger grew. "Leave me. And take your child bride with you. She is not welcome here."
Sarek drew himself up with a
dignity that Spock suddenly envied.
"I would not ask her to lower herself to come here again. You have shamed us all, Spock."
He said nothing as his father
disappeared into the house. When he
finally went back inside, there was no trace that his father and stepmother had
ever been there.
*****************************
In the middle of her own
meditations, Christine felt the compulsion to look in on Spock. She arrived when Sarek introduced his new
wife. She stood appalled as the two men
argued about the young woman standing forlornly in the living room.
Spock was unyielding in his
disapproval. She could not believe that
he would say the things he had. Then to
hear Sarek's taunt that the women Spock had loved had betrayed him. She had been one of those three women. She had had a hand in making him who we
was. Maybe the biggest hand. If she had stayed with Spock, loved him, she
could have eased the sting of T'Pring's rejection. And if she had been with him, Valeris would
not have had the hold on Spock that she had enjoyed. If Christine had loved him, he would be more
understanding of his father. So much
seemed to be her fault. She could stand
it no more.
"I want to go
home," she said firmly, and a little desperately.
She was instantly in a new
place. Very bright. There was lots of activity. A man stepped forward. She had never seen him before and she
recognized him at once.
"Roger!" she yelled as she rushed to hug him.
He spun her around, his
exuberant laughter at odds with the retiring scientist she had known.
He put her down and took her
hand. "Come on then. We've been waiting forever for you. We've got to get you to the Council. Then we can get to work."
She hesitated. "I screwed up. Everything.
I couldn't stand it down there so I ran away. Just like I always run away. I'm such a coward."
He laughed again. "You're not a coward. And you didn't run away."
"But you don't
understand. Because of what I did Spock
is now so bitter he won't accept his father's wife." She explained all the consequences of her
action.
"That's a great
theory. Just one problem with it."
"What?"
"You didn't flee
here. You were called. Why now?"
"I don't know."
He tapped her head. "Quit thinking as Christine Chapel. You've got a much larger mind at your
disposal if you just reach for it."
She tried to grasp beyond her memories and suddenly she remembered. Every