DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the
property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are the
creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2016 by Djinn. This story
is Rated R.
Only So Much Room in a
Heart
by
Djinn
Chapel
tried not to let the thin air on Vulcan affect her. SheÕd been on worse worlds,
slogged through mud and downed buildings and a whole lot of other nasty things,
none of which she needed to do here, in SpockÕs bedroom, in his family home.
The tri-ox would kick in. Please God, let it be soon because her mood was
plummeting in time with her inability to breathe.
SheÕd
meant to dose up on the shuttle, but sheÕd fallen asleep and Spock hadnÕt
thought to wake her.
Or
hadnÕt cared enough to bother. She was rapidly beginning to suspect that was
more the case than just forgetting.
She
studied the closet. Robe, robe, robe, a few shirts that were clearly NyotaÕs,
then a lot more clothes, shoved into the back. JimÕs. He would have kept a good
number here so he didnÕt have to pack much, the way one did with a second home.
Had
it bugged Ny to see JimÕs clothes there as much as it was pissing Chapel off?
Was that why she had left Spock? Chapel really had no idea what had broken them
up—Ny and she had pretty much stopped talking when her friend had taken
up with Spock without so much as a heads-up.
Not
that Ny being with Spock had been a shock. SheÕd always suspected Ny had almost
as wicked a crush on Spock as sheÕd had on their captain, and once Jim was dead
and Spock was free...
Only
maybe he wasnÕt. Maybe Jim hadnÕt let go. Or more accurately Spock wouldnÕt let
him go.
Chapel
wandered to the dresser, pulling out the drawers gently as if she was on some
secret surveillance mission. Full, full, full on the right side. Clearly
SpockÕs stuff. The top left was almost empty—Chapel recognized NyÕs
moisturizer and shampoo. Was clearing his last girlfriendÕs stuff out a bridge
too far for Spock? She closed the drawer with more energy than she meant to and
moved on. The next two were full: more of JimÕs shit. Seriously? HeÕd been dead
for two years. Spock couldnÕt purge some of this and pack the rest up the way
one did when a lover died?
She
took a deep breath.
She
wasnÕt even the runner-up. That was what hurt. Nyota had been. Chapel was
living with the spectres of both Jim and Ny, since Spock refused to discuss
anything about his relationship with either.
Len
had tried to warn her. ÒChristine, youÕre walking into a situation youÕre not
going to like.Ó Len looked out for her—often in an overly acidic way, but
still he cared—and had since their first voyage.
Len
was usually right, damn his eyes.
And
where the fuck was Spock? SheÕd followed him into the house, and heÕd shown her
where to put her stuff then disappeared.
ÒThe
sex is good,Ó she muttered. It was her mantra these days. The sex was goddamned
amazing.
And
that could be enough at first. It took a while to make a couple strong, to go
from lovers to in love. She just had to give it time.
Blah,
blah, blah.
The
hell of it was, sheÕd been part of a strong couple. Twice. Roger and Decker.
Both of them had ended up embracing machine life over her, and she was trying
not to take that personally. But before the bad endings, things had been good.
The
little voice that never seemed to shut up murmured, ÒBut the good times never
last.Ó
But
at least sheÕd had them. In and out of bed. So far with Spock...
She
closed her eyes and counted to ten slowly in six different languages: the way
she did during an emergency, when she was waiting out unruly planetary
administrators—only she kept her eyes open then.
Spock
had rebounded to her. Off of what was probably already a rebound. Chapel knew
better; it was her personal policy to let people get over their shit before
wading in. But this was Spock and he was finally interested in her and she
couldnÕt say no, not after wanting him for so long.
She
sighed.
ÒChristine?Ó
She
turned, feeling the first real smile since sheÕd left Earth as she saw Sarek in
the doorway. ÒI didnÕt know you were here.Ó
ÒI
was not supposed to be. Spock is not pleased.Ó He seemed to be studying her and
he looked...disappointed.
She
knew him well enough—had spent enough emergencies with him—to know
it wasnÕt that he didnÕt approve of Spock choosing her. Sarek liked her.
Better, she thought, than he liked Spock. She guessed his disapproval was at
her stupendous lack of judgment in being here at all.
ÒYou
obviously need a drink,Ó he said gently.
She
laughed. ÒWeÕve been on too many crap missions together, Sarek. You know me too
well.Ó She left the unpacking for later and walked toward him, but when he
turned to go, she touched his arm, stopping him. ÒThat look. Was it because
itÕs a revolving door in here since Jim died? Nyota. Now me.Ó Had there been
anyone else?
ÒIt
is not my business.Ó He gestured for her to follow him.
ÒYou
made it your business when you gave me your version of stank face.Ó
The
soft puff of air that came out of him was the closest thing to a laugh he
seemed capable of. But sheÕd heard it a number of times. She seemed to amuse
the shit out of him.
She
never heard that sound from Spock.
As
Sarek led her into a lovely sitting room that looked out on the garden, Chapel
saw Spock sitting among the roses. She sighed. Way too loudly. ÒLet me guess.
Jim loved roses?Ó
A
glass was pressed into her hand; she didnÕt even look to see what it was, just
lifted it and took a healthy swallow. She had no idea what she was drinking,
but it was delicious.
ÒKirk
did not care one way or another about roses, as far as I could tell. I think
Spock is missing his mother.Ó
She
instantly felt like an insensitive moron. Amanda had died in a flitter accident
only a few months after Jim was lost on the Enterprise
B. ÒIÕm sorry. I really need to get over myself.Ó
ÒPerhaps
if you were with someone who did not make you so actively unhappy, it would be
easier?Ó His eyebrow rose in a way that seemed to be almost daring her to try
to say she was happy. He nodded at the glass. ÒDo you like that?Ó
ÒVery
much.Ó She smiled, loving him for being honest and then immediately taking the
pressure off by asking about the drink. His finesse was what made him such a
good negotiator. She shared missions with Sarek often. She thought he liked
working with her, maybe even asked for her. She doubted Spock would ever have
asked for her—might not even now. HeÕd probably see a long tedious treaty
negotiation as peaceful time away from her.
She
closed her eyes and started to count again.
ÒHe
is not worth this. I admire your steadfastness in affection, but surely the
reality of the situation has made clear the future of your relationship with
him?Ó
ÒI
thought this wasnÕt your business?Ó The words came out harsher than she meant
them to. But the father of her boyfriend had pretty much just told her to cut
her losses and run.
ÒSpockÕs
relationship with you is not my business.Ó He busied himself pouring something
into a tall glass. The liquid was clear so Chapel assumed it was some kind of
fancy water. He took a long drink, then looked back at her and his expression
was as serious as sheÕd ever seen it. ÒYour relationship with him, however,
might be.Ó
She
almost dropped her drink. ÒMight be?Ó
He
nodded.
ÒBecause
weÕre friends?Ó
ÒWe
are that, Christine. I hope you have no doubts on that score.Ó
ÒI
donÕt.Ó She took another sip of the mystery liquor.
ÒGood.
That is not, however, what I meant.Ó He gestured to the very well-stocked
bar—AmandaÕs favorites, no doubt since Chapel had never seen Sarek drink
anything alcoholic. Jim probably had some hooch stashed in there too—or
maybe in SpockÕs rooms. Maybe he never felt comfortable adding his stuff to
SarekÕs beautifully appointed liquor cabinet.
Sarek
pointed to a bottle of gin. ÒYou dislike this.Ó
She
laughed. He knew this because heÕd watched her choke it down at a formal dinner
with a captain during one of their voyages out to an emergency.
ÒThisÓ—he
picked up a bottle of Duella Nectar—Òyou enjoy.Ó
SheÕd
used her last bottle on one very long mission to bribe a personal assistant to
let her talk to the minister of health. And sheÕd been pretty bitchy about it
after. And Sarek had been there that time too.
ÒWeÕve
worked together a lot.Ó
ÒWe
have. Also, I pay attention. Does my son know what you like? Does he care?Ó He
looked at Spock who was still sitting in the roses, his expression
blank—even for a Vulcan. SarekÕs expression was far from blank.
Compassion and resentment seemed to be warring for dominion, and Chapel was
shocked he was letting her see it. ÒHe is broken right now. And you deserve better.Ó
ÒYou
both lost Amanda.Ó
ÒI
am not talking about my wife. I am talking about James T. Kirk. The man whose
hands I could never pry from around his neck.Ó There was such bitterness that
she stepped back.
He
took a deep breath. ÒI apologize. I know you and Kirk were friends.Ó
ÒI
spent plenty of time being jealous of his hold on Spock, believe me.Ó She
frowned. ÒBut you said he was missing his mother so I assumed...Ó
ÒShe
would sit with him out there, after Kirk died. Listening. Talking. Whatever her
magic was with him—he has never responded to me the way he did to her.
That is what he misses, Christine. Her caring about him. Most of the time, he
was too lost in Kirk to care overly about her.Ó
ÒI
donÕt believe that.Ó She moved closer. ÒI think youÕre just mad that he didnÕt
care about you.Ó
His
expression shifted, and she suspected this was the look Spock had grown up
with, but she stood her ground and Sarek finally seemed to relax. ÒThere may be
some truth to what you say. There is also truth to what I say. Spock spent
decades being selfish when he was with Kirk. Ask Saavik, if you donÕt believe
me.Ó
She
laughed softly. ÒIÕve never met her.Ó
ÒShe
is on Earth.Ó Sarek studied her. ÒHe has truly never introduced you?Ó
ÒNo.Ó
ÒI
see. And yet you stay.Ó He shook his head. ÒPerhaps you should join my son out
there? See if you can cajole him into some other mood than morose and
wallowing?Ó
ÒWhat
is wrong with you?Ó She moved closer, could practically feel some strange
electricity snapping between them. ÒSarek, youÕre my friend.Ó
ÒYes.
A friend who regrets he did not speak some truths to you sooner than now.Ó He
did not look away. ÒI, however, allowed myself to grieve before I thought of
moving on.Ó
ÒTo
me?Ó
ÒIt
is a moot point, Christine. You are with my son.Ó He drained the glass and set
it down more firmly than she expected. ÒI am returning to Earth. Spock will be
relieved. Perhaps you will as well?Ó
For
the first time since theyÕd become friends, she wasnÕt sure what to say to him.
And she felt the loss of their normal ease far more than she liked. ÒI
donÕt...I donÕt know.Ó
He
leaned in, so close she could feel his breath on her skin. ÒIt was self
indulgent of me to tell you these things. I am not accustomed to
feeling...jealous of my own son.Ó He pulled away. ÒEnjoy your stay.Ó
And
then he turned and strode out, and if heÕd been wearing the cloak he favored on
cold-weather planets, it would have been billowing behind him dramatically.
The
man could make an exit.
She
walked over to the bar, and started to laugh, the sound coming out somewhat
hysterical. She had no idea what bottle the drink had come from.
And
Sarek wanted her.
Badly,
apparently.
She
rummaged through the bottles, ignoring those she knew and easing the caps off
the others, smelling, finally finding the thing heÕd given her. It was Vulcan.
Gespar liqueur. She poured herself another glass and went outside. ÒDo you want
company?Ó
Spock
looked up, his expression very far away, before he finally focused on her. ÒI
have been remiss.Ó He said it in the way a person does not to apologize but to
forestall a criticism.
She
shrugged and sat next to him. The scent was amazing, even if the roses looked a
little neglected. ÒWhy did you come to me? That night?Ó That night when heÕd
shown up at her door, looking lost and open and sheÕd let him in without a
thought, sure sheÕd finally won. ÒWas it the night you broke up with Ny?Ó
ÒI
do not wish to speak of this.Ó
ÒOh
my God. It was. YouÕd just say no if it wasnÕt.Ó She took a hearty sip of the
liqueur.
ÒThat
is stronger than it appears.Ó
ÒI
can hold my liquor.Ó Something his father knew only too well. But when had
Spock and she ever had occasion for him to find that out? SheÕd been on her
best behavior whenever theyÕd gone out—had even held back on ordering
booze some of the time so as not to make him uncomfortable.
Why?
Jim would never have done that.
She
decided to take the bull by the horns. ÒYou miss Jim.Ó
ÒI
thought we were talking about Nyota?Ó
ÒActually
we were not talking about her. But
sheÕs as inconsequential to this as I am, I think. You donÕt really want me.
You just donÕt want to be alone. I donÕt think you know how to be anymore.Ó She
frowned. ÒWhen Jim was with Antonia, who were you with?Ó
He
shook his head and looked away, wearing the same look he had a moment before,
when they were talking about Ny. The distance between her and Ny hadnÕt started
entirely when sheÕd started to see Spock. It had been when Christine went to
ops and Ny worked for...
Spock.
At the Academy. When Jim retired and went to live with Antonia.
The
weirdly guilty looks Rand would send ChapelÕs way when sheÕd go on about Spock
being free suddenly made sense. SheÕd known. SheÕd known and sheÕd chosen to
keep it secret. And then Ny had lost him. To Jim. Not probably at first. Spock
would have tried to do the right thing, but Sarek was right: when had he ever
been able to say no to Jim?
ÒHoly
shit. IÕve been such a fucking fool. She wasnÕt a rebound. She was a
rekindling.Ó
ÒI
have always had a certain level of interest in you, Christine. Nothing youÕre
saying changes that.Ó
ÒA
certain level of interest.Ó She took another sip of her drink, too big of one
and nearly choked on it. ÒNever let it be said youÕre not romantic.Ó
She
wanted to start chanting, ÒThe sex is good. The sex is good. The sex is good.Ó
But would it be now? Knowing all this. Part of what made it good was that sheÕd
had hope for their future. Hope that she could mean as much to him. As who?
Jim? Ny?
She
wanted to run. Grab her bag and head for the spaceport. But Sarek would be
there, and she did not want him thinking she was running to him.
She
was not defined by a man, God damn it. HadnÕt been since Will Decker laid eyes
on Ilia for the first time in years, and Chapel had known it was over. SheÕd
almost been glad Jim had demoted her—it gave her an easy out, a way to
start over. For herself. On her own.
She
would let this weekend play out. She was good at spinning scenarios, and she
didnÕt see it going well for Spock and her, but sheÕd at least give it a try.
There
was plenty of booze and the flowers smelled pretty. SheÕd had weekends she
couldnÕt say even that about.
But
they hadnÕt been with the love of her goddamn life.
She
closed her eyes and began to count.
##
Chapel
sat in the conference room as the members of the next mission came in. There
were some newbies this time. SheÕd have to tailor her briefing for them. They
were the most likely to make stupid mistakes and get hurt. But it was those
whoÕd been doing this too long who were the most likely to get reckless and
die.
SheÕd
lost two on her last mission. None on the previous six. SheÕd hoped the streak
would continue but had known deep in her heart it wouldnÕt. And it hadnÕt. Good
people gone. Friends.
She
was sick of losing friends—should consider other career paths, but sheÕd
been doing this so long she wasnÕt sure she was good for anything else.
Emergencies got in your blood; there was a rush that came from helping that
sheÕd found she couldnÕt really recreate, even when working in a busy emergency
room, as sheÕd done during a medical exchange early in her ops career.
This
was what she loved. Except when she hated it.
At
least she didnÕt have to worry about bringing back a bad mood to Spock. TheyÕd
lasted barely longer than their disastrous weekend on Vulcan. Disastrous not
because of Spock but because of Sarek. Spock, to be fair to him, hadnÕt changed
over the course of their relationship. HeÕd never professed undying love. HeÕd
never told her she was all heÕd ever thought of. HeÕd never made their
relationship into some kind of fairytale romance. And neither had she. Or she
liked to think she wouldnÕt have.
If
Sarek had just kept his goddamn mouth shut.
HeÕd
been avoiding her. More than Spock was doing, ironically. She and Spock had
broken up with no drama. TheyÕd been on the last mission together. HeÕd touched
her hand as theyÕd walked away from the caskets. The briefest feel of skin on
skin, warm and sweet. And supportive.
A
friend. SheÕd left the relationship with a friend and that was only because
sheÕd stopped trying to make him into more than that.
Was
that, too, SarekÕs fault. Had she given up on Spock or moved on to his father?
In her head, if not in reality?
She
was not, not, not here to worry about a man. It had been years since sheÕd let
one in enough to have to worry about. Other than Spock, of course, but heÕd
taken up residence in her heart long before he finally wanted in.
This
mission would not be any different. There might be someone fun to while away a
few nights with, but she wasnÕt going to think beyond that.
She
looked around the room, taking a head count. All here except Ambassador
Wilkins. Someone she was not going to spend any nights with because she
couldnÕt stand the man. And he was late. As usual.
The
door hissed and she turned, her eyes already set into the ÒI hate you, but I
have to work with youÓ look she generally favored Wilkins with, but it wasnÕt
him, it was Sarek. ÒAmbassador? Are you in the right room?Ó
There
were titters around the room. Who the hell would ask a Vulcan—let alone this Vulcan—that?
His
expression was amused, although she doubted anyone else could tell. ÒI am.
Ambassador Wilkins has been injured while on leave. He...delayed notification.Ó
ÒBig surprise there,Ó someone muttered
from the back of the room, and Chapel bit back a smile.
ÒSo
we have you?Ó she asked.
ÒYou
do.Ó
Their
eyes locked, but she didnÕt think anyone would notice what was really going on.
God knows, she hadnÕt noticed her boyfriendÕs father had a thing for her so why
would they catch on? She wasnÕt sure Spock even realized it. She certainly
hadnÕt told him.
ÒGo
ahead,Ó she told the room, and a round of clapping erupted. She grinned at
Sarek. ÒDonÕt let it go to your head. No one likes Wilkins.Ó
ÒI, of course, cannot comment.Ó
Her
grin changed, one side of her mouth going up more than the other into her
sardonic smile. ÒBecause like is an
emotion? YouÕd never comment on how his absence from this mission might
be...fortuitous for the missionÕs success?Ó
ÒI
would never say such a thing. However, you are free to.Ó
There
was muffled laughter and he shot a look back, stifling the sound and getting a
murmured ÒSorry,Ó from someone.
She
had to admit it. She loved being with the alpha. SheÕd just never considered
this alpha available. ÒDid you want to brief them first?Ó
He
took a seat and gestured to the front of the table. ÒPlease. You proceed.Ó
There was nothing flirtatious in the way he did it. They had worked together
too often; and this was how he was. He respected her. She respected him back.
It was nice.
She
stood and smiled at her team, making sure to seek out the first-timers, let her
gaze linger in a way that would tell them she had their backs. ÒOkay, then.
LetÕs get down to it.Ó
##
She
was in the lounge on the Darrian,
legs up on an ottoman, cradling a glass of tequila that she was nursing as she
watched the star stream and tried to ignore what was going on behind her. Her
team was rowdy, and she debated telling them to tone it down but decided the
mission had the potential to be a truly shitty one. Let them enjoy this part of
it. The veterans had an idea what might await them, and the newbies—well,
this was the last night of their innocence. TheyÕd see things in this job that
no one ever should.
And
assuming they survived—which, God help her, she never assumed anymore
because shit happened way more than she liked and it was out of her
control—theyÕd either stay and move on to the next crisis with the
perverse mixture of dread and excitement the lifers got used to, or theyÕd transfer
off and never speak about their short time in Emergency Ops.
She
heard soft steps, then the swish of a robe, and smiled. ÒTake a load off,
Sarek.Ó
He
sat next to her. ÒYou did not expect me on this mission.Ó
ÒSure
didnÕt.Ó She took a small sip of her tequila.
ÒIs
my presence unwelcome?Ó
ÒNope.Ó
There
was a long silence, and she resisted looking over at him but couldnÕt hold back
a grin.
Finally,
he said, ÒYou and my son are...?Ó
ÒOver.
But then you know that.Ó She turned to him. ÒYou knew that the moment you told
me you were jealous. YouÕre too good a strategist not to know that. Moreover,
Spock didnÕt expect you to be at the house. You were there because of me.Ó She
held up a hand when he looked like heÕd deny it. ÒYou strategize, but I figure
out the now. The causes. WhatÕs happening and why. You were there because I
was, and it was early enough in my relationship with Spock for you to disrupt
it before things got ugly between him and me.Ó
His
eyebrow went up.
She
smiled. ÒAs a strategist, you play the long game. If you want me, itÕs not a
simple thing. Had it just been lust, youÕd have simply waited for Spock and I
to fall apart then stepped in to comfort me—to get a taste until you were
satisfied and could move on. But you didnÕt. You stayed away. Because you want
me in your life long term, which means IÕll be in his. And you wanted it to be
less awkward than it otherwise might. He and I are friends, as I think you
realized we would be if you offered me an alternative before it ended with him. Because then IÕd make sure it ended
well.Ó
ÒLogical.Ó
ÒIÕm
a scientist. IÕm a doctor. And I specialize in crises. What else can I be but
logical?Ó
ÒShould
I assume, since it did end well, that you are interested in this scenario you
have spun out? You and I? For the long term?Ó
ÒI
didnÕt say that.Ó
ÒSo
you ended it well for some other reason?Ó
ÒMaybe
IÕm just an utterly reasonable gal?Ó She tried to bite back a laugh but failed.
ÒI suppose itÕs possible that maybe, sometimes, when I have nothing better to
do, I have given the idea of us being together some thought.Ó
There
was the soft exhalation that was his laugh and she laughed with him. ÒAnd when
you consider that?Ó His voice was surprisingly tentative.
ÒWell,
it doesnÕt repel me.Ó She leaned back and turned so she could see his
expression.
He
was watching her quite tenderly—for a Vulcan, of course. Her team would
have no idea what was really going on a few feet from them. They probably
thought Sarek was boring her with diplomacy.
ÒWere
you really jealous?Ó
He
nodded.
ÒYou
should have said something.Ó
ÒChristine,
you have wanted Spock for a very long time. What could I have said that would
have deterred you? You needed to be with him. As much as I did not like seeing
the two of you together, I had to wait until you were becoming unsatisfied with
how things were.Ó
ÒHow
did you know I would?Ó
ÒBecause
Commander Uhura did. She left him eventually. And based on what I know of both
you and she, you are far less likely to put up with something that does not
make you happy.Ó
ÒI
found out she was with him before.Ó
ÒYes.
He left her for Kirk. And she still let him back in. I do not think you would
have done that.Ó
Jesus,
Sarek knew about it, too? ÒHow could I have missed that she was with him? Now
that I know, it was so obvious.Ó
ÒYou
were off world for some of it. A medical exchange, I believe?Ó
Shit,
he was right. At first sheÕd wanted to stick around since Spock was free, but
when he made no move toward her, even though sheÕd found many excuses to mosey
over to the Academy—so many sheÕd begun to feel stupid—she decided
to take advantage of the opportunity to work in a busy emergency room on a star
base. ÒHow do you know where I was, Sarek? Did you care back then what I did?Ó
ÒNo.Ó
His expression softened, as if to take the curtness out of his answer. ÒI was
impressed with you when we met on the Enterprise,
but I was not...interested in you then. Recently I looked at your bio and
realized that you were not on Earth when they were openly together. That you
probably did not know they had been since it did not last long. And it was not
my place to tell you.Ó
She
laughed, and it was a horribly bitter sound. ÒNo, it was SpockÕs. Or hey, maybe
my best friend could have fessed up.Ó
ÒAre
you two still close?Ó He sounded skeptical.
ÒFormer best friend.Ó
ÒAh.Ó
He leaned back. ÒDo you miss her?Ó
ÒYeah.
I do. And I have another friend who probably kept this from me. IÕm not sure
how I feel about it.Ó She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. ÒHow should
I feel about it, Sarek?Ó
ÒYou
are asking a Vulcan about feelings?Ó
ÒStupid,
I know. But yes.Ó
ÒAs
with anything, conduct a cost-benefit analysis. If what you get from the
friendship outweighs the damage from the betrayal, maintain the relationship.Ó
She
nodded slowly. Jan...Jan was worth keeping. Both because of what theyÕd shared
over the years in ops but also career wise. TheyÕd risen together and Jan
looked out for her just as Chapel did for her. Ny had always hitched her star
to JimÕs wagon. Or SpockÕs. There was not a goddamn thing she could do for
ChapelÕs career—or maybe Chapel just wanted to think that way because she
was feeling like such a chump. And why the hell hadnÕt Ny told her? Just a
sheepish little, ÒSo, while you were gone...Ó would have been enough.
She
rubbed her eyes and said, ÒI donÕt know what to do. IÕm too damned tired to
figure it out tonight.Ó
ÒI
am tired, as well, Christine.Ó And he did seem it. His posture wasnÕt as
perfect as usual. His eyelids seemed heavy. If she scanned him she was pretty
sure sheÕd see signs of exhaustion—but then keeping up a relentless work
pace was often a great way to get over losing someone. SheÕd used the strategy
after WillÕs death.
ÒWork,
work, work. A break is good, Sarek. I keep telling myself that and then I never
take one.Ó
ÒI
do the same thing. Perhaps, when this mission is over, we could go away?Ó
ÒTogether?
Just the two of us?Ó At his nod, she smiled. ÒNot Vulcan.Ó
ÒAgreed.
Neutral territory. Not Earth, either.Ó
ÒRisaÕs
nice.Ó
ÒAmanda
and I often went there.Ó
She
narrowed her eyes. ÒDoes that mean you and I canÕt?Ó
ÒI
have no reservations about going there with you. I mourned my wife in the way
prescribed by ritual and custom. I cared deeply for her and I will treasure the
memories I have of her, but I let her go as I knew I would have to do when I
chose a human I would almost certainly outlive. Spock should do this with Kirk.
But he cannot.Ó
ÒNo,
he canÕt.Ó She sighed. ÒI donÕt want to talk about Spock. So...Risa—yes,
no?Ó
ÒI
offered up that I had been there with Amanda so that if it troubled you, we could choose an alternate
venue.Ó
ÒIÕve
been to Risa once. With Will Decker. I was involved with him.Ó She waited for
the look, the one that held scorn, but he seemed to simply be listening. ÒItÕs
not how I got the CMO slot. He picked me and then...it just sort of happened.Ó
Not unlike how it had happened with Roger.
Or
how it was happening with Sarek. Working long hours with someone was a
fantastic way to get to know them. And to do it with not a lot of shields up
because sheÕd never gone in expecting to find love—and she imagined the
men hadnÕt either.
She
smiled wryly. ÒWillÕs gone. I, as you say, treasure the memories. But that
doesnÕt mean I canÕt make more. With you. And RisaÕs so nice.Ó
ÒIt
is.Ó He nodded. ÒI will make reservations when I return to my quarters. Do you
have any preferences?Ó
ÒThey
have these cliffside villas. I could see them from the room Will and I had. I
think they had their own pools.Ó She studied him. ÒDo you like to swim?Ó
ÒNot
particularly. But I can if I have to.Ó
ÒThere
are other things to do in a pool besides swim...Ó She knew she was blushing,
but she didnÕt care.
ÒIt
may shock you to know that I realize that.Ó He moved his hand so it was right
on the edge of the armrest.
She
moved hers so they were just barely touching and closed her eyes, amazed at how
much heat the little contact was generating. Finally she drew her hand away,
and he actually exhaled loudly, almost a sigh. ÒSo a cliffside villa, then.
Avec piscine.Ó
He
surprised her by saying, ÒOui, Mademoiselle.Ó His accent was way better than
hers.
He
was full of surprises and she loved it.
##
Chapel
was getting tired of being vigilant while trying to help people. And the enemy
wasnÕt a person or a disease, but the suddenly shifting ground after massive
rains and a whole lot of unsafe mining practices—practices that had gone
undetected by scans due to interference from the very mineral that was being
yanked out of the ground willy nilly. A mineral the Federation needed badly,
but hopefully not badly enough to condone shoddy practices with a formal trade
agreement.
Them
again, this same interference that mucked up scanners also made it impossible
to beam onto the planet. Certain parts of the Federation were very interested
in locations like that.
She
felt the ground start to shift and leapt over to what looked like more solid
footing.
ÒYou
okay, maÕam?Ó Lieutenant Palmer, one of her newbies, asked.
ÒIÕm
fine. Mind yourself.Ó It wasnÕt that she didnÕt appreciate the concern, but
Palmer was too green to be worrying about teammates when she was still learning
the ropes.
ÒThe
trade negotiations have been cancelled, as you thought they would be.Ó Sarek
had come up so softly she hadnÕt realized he was there, but he always knew how
to modulate his tone to not startle. ÒThe Corps of Engineers will work with the
miners on safe practices. The ship is sending shuttlecraft.Ó He pulled his robe
up a bit to keep it out of the mud that was oozing around their feet. ÒI will
be pleased to leave this planet.Ó
ÒGod,
no shit.Ó She gave him a sheepish grin to excuse her language, but he never
seemed to care. With Spock, sheÕd actually held back.
ÒMy
bag is packed,Ó she said. ÒLet me just go get it—Ó
A
yell distracted her. Palmer was standing on the porch of the temporary dwelling
theyÕd been given and it was moving.
ÒGod
damn it,Ó Chapel said as she sprinted to the shelter, trying to avoid any deep
spots or holes. She could hear Sarek right behind her. ÒPalmer, get out of
there.Ó
ÒIÕve
just gotta get my stuff.Ó Palmer started to head into the shelter.
ÒForget
your damn stuff. ItÕs replaceable. YouÕre not.Ó She grabbed Palmer by the back
of her uniform and dragged her out, but the porch started to slip more. ÒGo!Ó
Palmer
jumped for it, and Chapel was just about to go when a support came crashing
down on both Sarek and her. She hit the decking with a solid whump, felt it
start to break apart as rocks and mud lifted up.
She
started to climb out, but the ground gave way. She and Sarek slid, pieces of
the supports coming down around them. She covered her head and neck with her
arms, tucked her chin to her chest to try to leave a breathing spot if the mud
covered them, but they came to rest in a hole about three meters down. ÒDonÕt
move,Ó she told Sarek, afraid the whole thing would collapse in on them.
ÒMoving
is not an issue.Ó His voice was off so she turned. He wasnÕt pinned but he was
holding his abdomen and his head was bleeding. The head wound didnÕt surprise
her; she could feel something trickling down the side of her head and assumed
she was bleeding, too. But the abdominal wound was potentially bad. Especially
since for Vulcans, that wasnÕt their gut but their heart.
ÒCommander?Ó
Palmer didnÕt sound panicked. Good.
ÒDo
not approach, Lieutenant. The ground will collapse. Get help.Ó
ÒRoger
that.Ó
Chapel
looked for her med kit. It had been looped over her shoulder as it always was
on a mission—sheÕd learned the hard way that medical emergencies wouldnÕt
wait for her to go back to her quarters and get her supplies. As she turned,
her head spun and she closed her eyes and tried to ride out the dizziness. She
opened them again slowly and saw the strap of her med kit, but the rest was
under the mud and rocks.
A
groan from Sarek made her turn. His hands were covered in blood. ÒThis is worse
than I thought,Ó he said, his tone one of disappointment in himself.
ÒEasy.Ó
She pushed his fingers away and saw that a support or part of the decking must
have punctured the skin, dangerously close to the heart, and unfortunately had
not stayed in, which might have kept the bleeding to a minimum.
ÒDonÕt
move.Ó She met his eyes. ÒItÕs not good. But it could be worse. Okay?Ó
She
didnÕt wait for him to answer, just tore a strip off her shirt to make a
bandage of sorts and pressed it against the wound. Out of the corner of her
eye, she saw a large chunk of the side of the wall sheer off and come crashing
down, so she covered SarekÕs face with her other hand as best she could.
ÒTheyÕll be here soon.Ó She wasnÕt sure which of them she was trying to comfort
as more rocks and mud spilled into the hole.
ÒThe
ground here is not secure,Ó Sarek said softly. ÒWe will be buried in very
little time. You need to leave me.Ó
ÒYou
need to let me work.Ó She reached back, feeling for the strap of her kit,
finally reaching it. She pulled gently, not wanting to make things any more
unstable than they already were, and felt the kit move.
ÒChristine,
please. They cannot transport us out of here. You must climb before this hole
collapses. I can give you a boost.Ó He left unsaid the other part, that by
giving her a boost, by probably throwing her out of the hole, if she understood
what he was thinking, the ground would collapse and bury him. Or heÕd
potentially finish off what the thing that had stabbed him started and bleed
out. Or possibly both.
ÒNo.Ó
She went back to easing the med kit from the muck.
He
pushed her hand off him and tried to sit up. Blood went everywhere as the
fabric slipped off his wound. ÒWe cannot both get out, Christine. Do what I
say.Ó His tone was one heÕd never used on her.
ÒNo.Ó
She stared back at him the way sheÕd learned in ops. Alpha to alpha. And he
finally gave up, the fight seeming to go out of him.
ÒWe
will get out together, Sarek, or not at all.Ó Her hands slipped off him for a
moment, covered in green and mud, and she realized his earlier acquiescence had
been a ruse when tried to get up again. She pushed him back down with more
force than was good for his head, but she needed to stop the bleeding more than
worry about a possible concussion. ÒStop it, Sarek.Ó
ÒThe
needs of the many clearly dictate that—Ó
ÒNo.
No. No.Ó She kept pressure on the wound, hating how much dirt was going in, but
she could clean it out once she got the kit free. ÒI donÕt give a flying fuck
about the needs of the many. I will not go through this again. You will not die
on me. I goddamn order you to muster up that Vulcan will and survive this.Ó
ÒI
will not have you sacrifice yourself for me.Ó
ÒWhat
part of what I said was unclear, Sarek?Ó She put as much angry resolve into her
voice as she could, and he stopped trying to push her away. ÒGood. Now quit
moving around. YouÕll only make the hole collapse quicker and you know that.Ó
She
almost dislocated her shoulder trying to get the kit free of the dirt and rocks
while not letting up on the pressure over SarekÕs abdomen, but she managed to
pull it clear and drag it to her. Once she was sure it was secure next to her,
she let go and grabbed SarekÕs hand, placing it over the wound. ÒPush. Hard.
DonÕt debate. DonÕt order me to stop. Just do it until I tell you not to. Got
it?Ó
ÒYes.Ó
He almost sounded contrite—or maybe he was just weak from loss of blood?
She
met his eyes. ÒWeÕre not going to die.Ó
ÒYou
do not know that.Ó
ÒFine.
Then howÕs this? YouÕre not dying in here alone. If we go, we go together. IÕm
done watching the man I love leave me to soldier on alone.Ó
She
grabbed a scanner from the kit, then a regenerator. The sides of the hole
seemed to be coming down faster. She felt panic rise up and pushed it down.
She
almost missed his soft question, ÒYou love me?Ó
SheÕd
been touching him; he could read her, even injured. She thought he had felt her
panic and was trying to take her mind off it. She smiled at him to let him know
she appreciated it.
ÒWell,
yeah, I probably do love you. But you know what I meant. I loved
them—Roger and Will—okay? For now, letÕs leave it at that if it
disturbs you that I said I love you.Ó She winked at him, trying to keep things
light as she dug for painkiller in her kit.
ÒWhy
would it disturb me? I was surprised—in a good way, as Amanda often
said.Ó
She
laughed. ÒOh. Okay then. So, how about you save all this lovey-dovey crap for
Risa, Ambassador? I need to work.Ó
ÒYes,
Doctor.Ó
She
realized the only painkiller she had wasnÕt safe for Vulcans. Damn it all.
ÒThis is going to hurt. It wonÕt be for long but it will be bad. IÕm sorry.Ó
ÒI
will endure it. Just give me a moment to prepare myself.Ó
She
waited for him to nod and then got to work. He was silent, but the pain was
evident on his face.
ÒI
gotta tell you, Sarek—RisaÕs looking better and better.Ó
Somehow
he managed to grit out, ÒI fully concur.Ó Then he fell silent again, until she finished
getting the bleeding stopped and murmured, ÒItÕs okay now,Ó and moved on to his
head.
ÒYou
are also bleeding.Ó
ÒI
know. Patient first.Ó She was very close to him and felt him reach up and touch
her shoulder.
ÒSeducing
me while IÕm treating you is not recommended.Ó
ÒThen
later. Once we are out of this hole and on the ship. I find I no longer wish to
wait until Risa.Ó
She
pulled away just enough to turn and meet his lips. The kiss was short but
satisfying. ÒMe neither.Ó
A
voice sounded from where Parker had been, ÒCommander? DonÕt move. WeÕre going
to get you out.Ó It was Valahka, one of her veterans.
ÒThe
ambassador and I arenÕt at a hundred percent.Ó
ÒCan
you climb?Ó
She
checked SarekÕs wound. What sheÕd done was triage at best. He still needed to
be seen by sickbay, but her work should hold as long as they didnÕt have to
climb for very long. ÒYes, but not well.Ó
ÒUnderstood,
maÕam. WeÕll have you out in a jiffy.Ó Fortunately, he was a pro when it came
to extractions so his confidence was soothing.
She
closed her eyes and exhaled a long, relieved breath, then helped Sarek stand,
something she might not normally do with a Vulcan, but she didnÕt want him
tearing her patch job by trying to get up alone. ÒItÕs going to be okay.Ó
Sarek
pulled her to him and kissed her again. A more thorough kiss this time, but not
so long their rescuers caught them doing it. ÒTonight,Ó he murmured as the
ladders came over the side of the holes and they scrambled out. The hole
collapsed as they were doing it, but there were enough people to pull them free
before they got caught up in the debris. SarekÕs wound reopened, but he tore
fabric from the hem of his robe and pressed it over his abdomen.
ÒTonight,Ó
he said again as if she was going to say no.
ÒTonight—once
sickbay releases you.Ó She grinned at the annoyance on his face, but she had to
keep the upper hand when she could—no matter how much she wanted him.
ÒAnd if they clear you for...those kinds of activities.Ó She was talking very
quietly so that Vulcan ears would hear but not her team.
ÒOf
course. I would like to survive the experience.Ó His eyes were practically
shining, his voice was huskier than usual, and sheÕd never been so attracted to
him.
ÒIÕd
like you to, also.Ó
ÒA
fortuitous coincidence of desires.Ó He put an interesting spin on Òdesires,Ó
though she doubted anyone else would notice.
ÒIndeed,Ó
she said with a grin.
ÒShuttles
incoming,Ó someone called out and everyone moved back, trying to leave the most
solid ground for the ships.
The
shuttlecrafts landed, disgorging a large group of engineers and geologists, and
letting the ops and diplomatic teams finally get the hell out of Dodge.
##
She
hovered in sickbay once her own injuries were tended to. She was driving the
doctors on the Moldova batty and she
didnÕt care.
ÒCommander Chapel,Ó Doctor Pope, the
shipÕs CMO, said, ÒweÕll be happy to call you when heÕs ready to be released.Ó
ÒShe
is a physician,Ó Sarek offered in a tone so helpful she knew he was playing
with the doctor. ÒMy personal physician, in fact.Ó
ÒIs
she now?Ó Pope didnÕt sound convinced.
She
managed to hold back any trace of a grin. ÒI know Vulcans quite well.Ó Wait,
was that bad to say? Would Sarek think she meant she got that knowledge from
sleeping with Spock and not from how many Vulcans sheÕd treated over the years?
He
shot her a look that said that was exactly where his mental trail went, and she
mouthed, ÒSorry,Ó as Pope turned away for a moment.
SarekÕs
expression changed, to one of tenderness and then impatience. She pulled a
chair up and sat, not wanting to get in the way of what was medically
required—if Sarek had to spend the night in sickbay, then theyÕd wait.
SheÕd
probably stay by his bed and sneak kisses when the staff was out of sight, but
theyÕd wait for anything more than that.
ÒWell,
Ambassador, your personal physicianÓ—the
look Pope gave her told her he was fully aware that the title was
bullshit—Òdid a very good job out there.Ó
ÒGlad
I havenÕt lost my touch. Will he need to stay in sickbay for the night?Ó
ÒNo,
heÕll be cleared for duty once IÕm done.Ó
ÒAll
manner of duty?Ó Sarek asked in his best ÒI am Vulcan and only inquire because
I must be preparedÓ way.
The
doctor laughed. ÒAll manner.Ó
She
knew she was blushing, and she didnÕt look at Sarek because she was afraid
sheÕd start laughing. Wow, how obvious were they being? Then again, the doctor
was scanning him—there were neurotransmitters and hormones that were
probably going nuts right now if he was aroused. If Pope scanned her, heÕd see
similar readings, albeit in the human rather than Vulcan range.
ÒGo,Ó
the doctor said as he moved away so Sarek could get up. ÒDonÕt do anything I
wouldnÕt do.Ó
ÒI
believe that gives me a great deal of leeway, Samuel.Ó
She
tried to hide her shock that Sarek would use his first name, but she could tell
Pope had seen her surprise when he said, ÒSarek takes this ship a lot. I think
itÕs because heÕs happy—sorry, content
to have found a Kaltoh player that can keep up with him.Ó He began to grin, a
mischievous expression that made her like him even more. ÒI assume there will
be no games this voyage?Ó
ÒIt
is unlikely,Ó Sarek said evenly, as if he was not telling
his—friend?—that he did not plan to come up for air on the short
ride back to Earth.
She
smiled and pointed at Sarek. ÒHeÕs the boss.Ó
ÒThat
statement lacks sincerity.Ó Sarek gave Pope the look Spock had been giving Jim
for years. The ÒSee what I must put up with?Ó look. And Pope was making a fake
sad expression. She was totally charmed by their interaction.
ÒI
believe that. SheÕs one tough woman. Or so I know by reputation—weÕve
never had the pleasure.Ó
ÒHavenÕt
taken the Moldova much. And when I
do, I try to stay out of sickbay and in the lounge.Ó
ÒAnd
I tend to avoid the lounge. IÕm one of those raging introverts. ItÕs probably
why he and I get on so.Ó He grinned at Sarek and then shooed them away like an
old grandma to kids. ÒGet out of here.Ó
As
they headed for the lift, she studied Sarek.
ÒWhat?Ó
Somehow he knew she was staring even though his gaze was firmly fixed front.
ÒYou...having
a friend. ItÕs not the profile I had constructed for you.Ó
ÒDo
you think I am incapable of making a friend?Ó He sounded amused. ÒOr do you
think I only need my mate to be fulfilled?Ó
ÒUmm,
IÕm not sure. Maybe the latter. Although weÕre friends. But did I think I was
the only one?Ó She really might have. Sarek and friends—especially human
males after the way he talked about Jim—just didnÕt compute. ÒIÕll adjust
my profile.Ó
ÒYou
have always shown great flexibility in thinking.Ó He let her go first onto the
lift.
As
the doors shut, she leaned into him and murmured, ÒIÕm flexible in other ways,
too.Ó
ÒI
look forward to discovering just what ways.Ó
ÒAfter
a shower.Ó
ÒYes.Ó
She
leaned up and kissed him quickly, pulling away right before the doors opened.
ÒSee, weÕre already in perfect agreement.Ó
##
Chapel
lounged naked against Sarek, enjoying some of the food that a crewman from the
mess had brought by, compliments of Doctor Pope. ÒI like your friend.Ó
ÒI
find it easy to spend time with him. And pleasant.Ó Sarek let her feed him a
piece of cheese. ÒHe is a man of great character—and excellent taste.Ó He
offered her a cherry and she took it delicately, closing her eyes as he let his
fingers drift from her mouth to her cheek. ÒI have not yet made love to you on
the desk.Ó
ÒOr
up against the viewscreen.Ó She started to laugh. ÒOr in the closet.Ó
He
leaned in and kissed her, and she moaned softly. ÒSo few places in this small
room.Ó
ÒI
canÕt wait to see what you do with a whole apartment. I may not be able to
walk.Ó Much to her delight, Sarek was insatiable. But she imagined it was fun
for him. A new woman—a younger one—and he a Vulcan in his prime.
She
pulled away and studied him.
ÒWhat?Ó
ÒMy
Sarek profile may need adjusting again.Ó
ÒTell
me how.Ó He ate some cashews and waited.
ÒIÕm
assuming that you didnÕt have other lovers between Amanda and me.Ó
ÒThat
is correct. Why do you think I am so amorous?Ó
She
smiled. ÒDid you have other lovers when you were with her?Ó
ÒNo.Ó
ÒI
like that answer. Although youÕre going to have to go easy on me or IÕll demand
you get a girlfriend to share the load.Ó She was laughing as she said it,
moving the food out of the way and pushing him to his back, then climbing on
top. She wriggled, smiling as she felt the effects of her movements. ÒMmmmmm.Ó
A
slight adjustment and—oh, holy shit this was good. It had been amazing
with Spock, and she hadnÕt been sure it could get better, but this was. She
didnÕt know if Sarek was actually better in bed, or if it was just nice to not
have years of unpleasant history and one-sided longing between them. He was her
friend, and now he was her lover, too.
And
it was fantastic. And fun. Way more fun than sheÕd expected.
As
she moved, she said, ÒYou can play Kaltoh with Pope if you want.Ó
ÒSome
other time.Ó
ÒWell,
I didnÕt mean right this second.Ó She laughed as she leaned down and kissed
him, then squealed as he rolled them so he was on top.
He
moved harder, then slowed, asking, ÒAm I hurting you?Ó
ÒNo.
If I really needed to stop, I wouldnÕt have climbed on top of you.Ó
ÒLogical.Ó
ÒYep.
Go nuts.Ó She began to squeeze with some very important internal muscles, and
he threw his head back and groaned. Out loud. While clutching her harder than
she thought he realized. SheÕd been saving that move. ÒLiked that?Ó
ÒVery
much. Please repeat it whenever you desire.Ó
She
took him at his word and had him moving faster and harder than heÕd gone
before. ÒLet go,Ó she whispered, as he seemed about to ease up. ÒI wonÕt
break.Ó
He
kissed her almost viciously, then changed his angle of attack, hitting just
right and she was climbing with him, moaning his name, and finally crying out
loudly, coming down in time to watch him go. They were both breathing hard when
he finished.
He
rolled off her and pulled her so she was nestled against his chest. The way he
held her was possessive and tender and everything sheÕd ever wanted from Spock
and had never been going to get.
ÒThis
is so nice.Ó She looked to where he was holding her, his fingers light on her
now. ÒBut you know that. How good I feel. You can tell, canÕt you? The
telepathy.Ó
ÒYes.Ó
ÒItÕs
kind of like cheating. I have to guess if IÕm making you feel good.Ó
ÒI
will stop using it, if you wish.Ó He sounded like he knew what she was going to
say so she didnÕt answer, just pulled him to her for another kiss. ÒAnd if I
did not know better, I would think you were a touch telepath.Ó
ÒYou
say the nicest things. Who knew you were so charming?Ó
ÒIt
is the company. You make me so.Ó His look was open and trusting, and she
reached over and cupped his cheek.
ÒI
love you, Sarek.Ó
ÒAnd
I you.Ó
##
The
cliffside villas on Risa were more amazing than theyÕd looked from below. Total
privacy. Even on the pool deck.
A
private pool. Chapel had loved swimming since she was a kid. But sheÕd always
had to share. This was heavenly. And it was completely suit optional. She loved
the feeling of being naked and free in the water.
Sarek
sighed from his seat at the table, shaded under a big umbrella. HeÕd received
an urgent comm and had been researching and responding all morning. ÒI am
sorry. They would not disturb us if it were not urgent.Ó
ÒI
know. IÕm just amazed no oneÕs commed me.Ó She swam to the side of the pool
nearest him, a sidestroke that didnÕt break the water, and knelt on the
underwater ledge, resting her chest and arms on the pool deck and letting the
gentle Risan sun bake her cares away.
He
nodded and went back to work, and she closed her eyes and tried to assess if
she would have been so copacetic if it had been Spock working during their
vacation. Probably not. It was likely no matter what Spock did, she would have
reacted badly. There had been so many negative things between them.
She
heard Sarek push the padd away with a great deal of authority. He murmured,
ÒFinished,Ó then walked to her and crouched down. She forced her eyes open and
looked up at him, smiling as sexily as she could.
It
worked. He stroked her hair the way he often did before stripping her clothes
off and having his way with her. ÒAre you going to stay in there all day?Ó
ÒYes.
I am never coming out.Ó
ÒThen
I shall have to come in.Ó He pushed his robe off and strode in naked. SheÕd
discovered he was far more graceful in the water than heÕd let on, and he
closed the distance between them quickly, kissing her for a moment before
drawing her to the shallow end and eased her back onto his favorite underwater
ledge, the perfect height for her to wrap her legs around him and hold on for
dear life.
She
nuzzled his neck as they came down, laughing softly as she asked, ÒSo, do you
become less amorous over time?Ó She sensed it was the wrong thing to say
because he pulled away. ÒSarek.Ó She pulled him down so she could see his face.
ÒThat wasnÕt a criticism. IÕm just amused. Adjusting the profile again, and all
that.Ó
ÒI
know.Ó He took a long breath. ÒI had to temper these urges as Amanda aged. It
is...liberating to be able to indulge again.Ó He brushed back her hair. ÒI do
not wish to sound as if I am criticizing her in any manner.Ó
ÒOf
course youÕre not. She lived a shorter life than you. I will, too. And IÕm no
spring chicken as it is. I donÕt blame you for indulging. And I certainly donÕt
take it as an indictment of your relationship with Amanda.Ó
He
looked relieved. As if she would
ever think that of him? ÒWe have not spoken in detail of our past
relationships.Ó
ÒWell,
youÕve told me more than Spock ever did about Jim or Ny. And IÕve told you more
about Roger and Will. Spock was...disappointed in me, I think, for being with
Will. I donÕt know why I even told him. And I find his dismay ironic since some
might say he took up the first-officer berth with Jim for a hell of a long time
for personal reasons.Ó
ÒI
am not disappointed in you. You guard yourself the same way a Vulcan would. I
think it is only when you are working closely with someone that you let your
barriers fall enough to allow someone in.Ó
She
pulled him close and rubbed her nose against his—a gesture that had
surprised him at first, so she didnÕt think it was something Amanda did. He
seemed to like it, though, so sheÕd kept doing it. ÒYou know me so well.Ó
ÒWe
have been friends for some time.Ó He pulled her over to the steps, sat on them
so he was half submerged, and pulled her in so she could sit in his lap with
her legs wrapped around him. ÒI first fully appreciated who you were—how
capable—during the crisis with the probe and the whales.Ó
ÒWhen
I nearly got you killed by asking you to come to Earth and testify for Jim?Ó
ÒYou
did not know the probe was coming.Ó
ÒBut
shouldnÕt we have? Emergency Ops was one of the first lines of defense.Ó
He
actually frowned. ÒYour role was reactive. I know that you tried to make it
predictive, and actually succeeded more often than I think you realize. But an
emergency by its nature is something that is reacted to once it is happening.Ó
ÒArenÕt
you the voice of reason?Ó She wriggled to show him she didnÕt mind. ÒI remember
sitting in ops with you during that crisis. I felt terrible that you were there
because of me, but I also felt safer because you were there. YouÕve always made
me feel that way.Ó
ÒThere
are times I wish my son could have said the same thing.Ó
ÒI
know. I think he wishes you were closer, too. That he felt more comfortable
around you.Ó
ÒDid
he speak of me to you?Ó He didnÕt sound upset, just curious.
ÒNot
very often. To be honest, he didnÕt talk to me all that much. I really think I
was just an itch he wanted to scratch. I wish he had been just that to me.
Maybe I could have given up and moved on earlier.Ó
ÒBut
then you would have found someone else. And would not be available now, when I
want you.Ó He nuzzled her neck. ÒWhen I need you.Ó
She
loved that he was open this way, that he didnÕt hide how much he felt for her.
Even with Roger and Will, there had always been some measure of holding back.
She thought that Roger had used the distance—now that she could look at
it rationally and not emotionally—as a power play. It kept her always
working to keep him, to earn his approval and his love. Will wouldnÕt have done
that to her; he couldnÕt help that Ilia had come first and had carved out a
whole lot of real estate in his heart.
ÒIÕm
glad then, that I wasnÕt free of him before now. I would hate to miss this.Ó
ÒI
would hate for you to miss it, as well. I am quite exceptional.Ó His mouth
almost turned up, the way it did when he joked, so she kissed the side that was
peeking up the most. ÒIt is why I will never resent him for having had you,
Christine. Because I see the journey that brought us together and know it had
to play out as it did for this to be the outcome.Ó
ÒSo,
no regrets?Ó
ÒNone.Ó
He studied her, seeing far more, she thought than just what was playing on her
face. But then he was holding her, sensing her mood with his psi abilities.
ÒAnd you, Christine? Do you have any regrets?Ó
ÒWhen
I was younger, I wanted children. For a long time, as I got older and didnÕt
have any, that was an occasional regret.Ó
ÒIs
it now?Ó
ÒI
donÕt think so.Ó She moved a little as she considered how much more she wanted
to tell him: this wasnÕt a story sheÕd shared with Will or Ny or Jan or anyone.
ÒWhen Roger left on his expedition, he put a generous amount of sperm samples
in stasis.Ó SheÕd never been sure if heÕd thought sheÕd want a houseful of kids
or if heÕd worried she wasnÕt particularly fertile and would need multiple
inseminations to get pregnant. ÒIn case anything happened to him.Ó She saw
SarekÕs eyebrow go up and laughed. ÒI know. Monstrous ego. The idea that after
he left me on Earth—and that was his idea, not mine—that of course
IÕd want to unfreeze the handy-dandy Roger-seed and keep his legacy going...Ó
She shook her head. ÒOnce he disappeared, since I was leaving on the Enterprise and it was potentially
dangerous, I had some eggs harvested and held in stasis.Ó
He
waited as she took a deep breath. He knew the story of Roger 2.0 and Andrea.
That she hadnÕt been some random female heÕd dreamed up but based on a grad
student heÕd brought on after he asked Chapel to marry him. ÒAfter I found him,
when I got back to Earth, I went to the cryobank, opened our safe, and
destroyed every bit of his sperm.Ó
He
nodded as if heÕd expected this.
ÒI
kept my eggs. Just in case. I always knew I had the option to have a child, my
child, at any point in my career. And I never took it.Ó She cupped his cheek.
ÒYou and I could have children, if we wanted. Do you want that?Ó
ÒNot
particularly.Ó
ÒNever
stop being that blunt. I love our honesty.Ó She sighed. ÒI think we would make
an amazing child. I just...I donÕt want that either particularly.Ó
ÒIf
you change your mind, tell me. I am agnostic, not against it entirely.Ó
ÒUnderstood.Ó
ÒI
would warn you, however, that neither of my sons would consider me a successful
father.Ó
She
laughed softly. ÒYeah, I figured that out already.Ó Since he so rarely talked
about Sybok, she decided to follow the trail. ÒDid you ever miss Sybok?Ó
ÒNo.
With Spock, I thought I should care more deeply because of my feelings for his
mother. SybokÕs mother was...Ó He shook his head, as if he did not want to
speak ill of the dead—or maybe he was afraid once he started recounting
her flaws, he might not stop. Either way, Chapel understood. ÒWhen Sybok began
to court emotions, to display them so openly, I think he thought he would
please me. Because I was with Amanda—a human woman with all the
accompanying emotions—even while his mother was still alive.Ó
She
could feel her eyebrows going up.
ÒHis
mother and I were bonded but entirely unsuited to each other. We chose not to
live together as spouses and not to stand in each otherÕs way if we found
partners we preferred, but the bond prevented us from fully committing to
another person.Ó
ÒUntil
she died.Ó
ÒYes.
Although it was not that I could bond with Amanda once she was gone. The bond
requires two psi-enabled partners. But I was captive to it while it was there.
Not just during the Pon Farr. It was a constant distraction—and something
that irritated Amanda a great deal. The hold TÕHamra had on me.Ó
ÒSo
you think Sybok embraced emotions to please you?Ó
ÒAt
first, yes. But he continued on his path for himself. He even tried to convert
Spock.Ó
She
made a face and he said, ÒIndeed. At that point, I think he wanted to spite me
even if he also thought he was helping Spock, who was struggling with his dual
nature. SybokÕs influence over him was the main reason I allowed him to be
exiled.Ó
ÒYou
could have stopped it?Ó
ÒMy
family is highly influential. If I had not wanted him to leave, he would still
be here. Unless, of course, he chose to leave on his own. No hereditary
influence has ever impressed my sons.Ó
ÒSorry.Ó
ÒIt
is an old wound.Ó
She
put her hand over where his heart was, where the wound had been when she might
have lost him. ÒIt doesnÕt matter how old the hits to our hearts are. They
never fully heal. Or maybe they do but we...change because of them. Or thatÕs
been my paradigm, anyway.Ó
ÒIs
that why you have closed yourself off to such an extent? You keep a distance
from your people, now from your close friend...Ó
ÒIÕve
been thinking about her. And Jan—Commander Rand.Ó
He
nodded; he would remember her, no doubt, from the whale crisis.
ÒShe
knew but she never told me. Things are strained with her, too, I think.Ó She
was getting uncomfortable in the position she was in, so she said, ÒLet me up,Ó
and he released her immediately. She floated away, stretched a little, then sat
next to him on the step, pressed against him because she knew he loved the
contact, especially now that he had the freedom to indulge himself in their
oh-so private paradise. ÒYour cost-benefit analysis advice was useful. I
decided that IÕm less than I could be with them not in my life.Ó
He
leaned his head against hers. ÒSo you will reconcile?Ó
ÒThatÕs
not wholly my decision. We all pulled away. But what I can do is level the
playing field by letting them know that IÕm aware of NyÕs earlier relationship
with Spock and the way they kept it from me. And then we go from there. I may
not have them in my life when this is over—maybe nothing changes. But at
least IÕll have tried.Ó
ÒI
think that is an excellent plan.Ó
She
turned and hugged him. ÒSee, you were the right person to ask about feelings.Ó
ÒYou
can ask me about anything, Christine. I wish to have no secrets from
you—other than those the Federation mandates I have.Ó
She
fully understood that caveat since it applied to her job, too. ÒSame here.Ó
##
Chapel
eyed the Gespar liqueur longingly as she changed into civvies but opted not to
throw back a quick drink. She wanted to be clear headed when she met Ny and
Jan. It had taken some doing to find a time when they were all on Earth, but
tonight, finally, things could change—or really be over. But either way
she wouldnÕt be stuck in this weird limbo of having friends who might not even
care to be close to her anymore.
She
left the bedroom and walked over to where Sarek was working in his study,
leaning down and hugging him from behind. ÒWish me luck?Ó
He
took her hand and drew her around. She could tell he liked the dress she had
picked out. SheÕd worried that he would expect her off-duty dress to be the
robes Amanda had taken to, but when sheÕd brought it up, heÕd told her to wear
whatever she liked.
ÒNo
luck for me?Ó She grinned and vamped for him. ÒOr are you too busy inspecting
your woman.Ó
ÒShe
is quite lovely. How can you blame me?Ó His eyes were dancing as he let go of
her hand. ÒYou do not need luck. You will assess the situation, finesse it to
the best of your ability using a combination of duplicity and the inherent
warmth you have never successfully scrubbed from your persona, and then you
will know where you stand with them.Ó
ÒDuplicity?Ó
ÒDid
you tell them that you wished to meet tonight to discuss Commander UhuraÕs
relationship with Spock?Ó
She
started to laugh, the short, tight laugh that meant she was busted. ÒNo.Ó
ÒDo
I need to support my choice of words any further than that?Ó He lifted an
eyebrow to her.
ÒItÕs
just that itÕs a pejorative word.Ó
ÒManipulation,
then.Ó
ÒNot
much better.Ó She took a deep breath. ÒIÕm going to try honesty. Now that IÕve
tricked them into meeting me by saying I really miss them—which is true.
Shit, that really is duplicity and warmth.Ó
ÒI
did not become the premier ambassador for the Federation and my home planet by
failing to read someone.Ó He pulled her down for a sweet kiss. ÒAnd you did not
become a premier problem solver for Starfleet by failing to resolve issues. Go.
Rekindle the friendship or remove yourself from it.Ó
ÒSo
logical.Ó
ÒYou
have chosen a Vulcan. You will have to live with logic.Ó
ÒNot
really a problem.Ó She leaned in, kissing him and moving her hand down his robe
until she reached the sweet spot, and he moaned. Loudly. ÒItÕs not a problem
because youÕre very easy to manipulate. The little brain being quite a bit
stronger than the big one at times like these. And entirely illogical.Ó
ÒI
believe it is quite logical to desire oneÕs partner. If nothing else, it
ensures domestic harmony.Ó He pressed her hand down harder and moaned a little
more, then released her. ÒNow go, before I take advantage of you and earn a
lecture for disturbing your make-up.Ó
With
a laugh, she left him, not hurrying as she exited his private rooms and entered
the shared space of the embassy, letting her face settle from the amusement he
caused to something more befitting the new girlfriend of the main man in this
bastion of stone face.
Although
it really wasnÕt. She was getting to know the various staffers and officials
and their different personalities—their little expressions. She liked
these people, might even end up with some true friends by the time this was
over. Spock had never brought her here so there was no awkwardness that sheÕd
gone from son to father.
She
was happy. Finally, after everything, she was happy.
But
she was nervous as hell as she left the embassy and hailed a flitter, directing
it to a bar she and Jan and Ny used to frequent because they never saw other
Fleeters there. They could just relax and talk and maybe meet someone who
wasnÕt shipping out in a few days.
Not
that any of them kept those guys.
She
walked in and saw the other two at a table they used to love but rarely were
early enough to snatch.
They
stood and there were hugs that were slightly less warm than they might have
been before. A weird silence descended after the server went away and then came
back with a scotch and soda for her—something she could nurse all night
if she had to.
SheÕd
practiced. In front of the mirror. Different approaches. Most of them with her
as the injured party. ÒHow could you not tell me?Ó was the dominant theme.
She
saw them look at each other, and they both seemed tense.
She
was the injured party, but if she took the tack sheÕd practiced, sheÕd never be
anything but.
ÒOkay,
so I have to say some things. First, Ny, I know you were with Spock when Jim
retired and moved in with Antonia. I know you didnÕt tell me. I donÕt care.Ó
She glanced at Jan. ÒAnd I know you didnÕt tell me and I donÕt care about that,
either.Ó
They
both had the look of people who were relieved but waiting for the other shoe to
drop.
ÒWhat
I care about is that I miss you. I care that IÕm with Sarek now and if you two
know that, itÕs not because you heard it from me. But you should have. You
would have. Before.Ó She swirled her drink softly, making the ice tinkle. ÒI
want that back. My friends. My best
friends.Ó She realized she was starting to cry and said, ÒGod damn it,Ó as she
blinked hard, trying to keep the tears from falling.
ÒIÕm
sorry,Ó Ny said, meeting her eyes and the weird distance that had grown for
years seemed to be gone. ÒI know I should have told you. But you were gone, and
he and I were together for a minute, and then the captain came back and, well,
you know the rest. It seemed easier not to say anything, and I made Jan
promise. I made her.Ó
ÒI
didnÕt see the point of telling you. I thought it was over. And then Jim died
and Spock went back to her. And it got really weird—weirder.Ó Jan sighed.
ÒI feel the same way, though, about how things are with all of us. I havenÕt
told either of you that IÕm with Sulu.Ó
ÒFinally,Ó
Chapel and Ny said together. There was a pause and then they laughed, together,
the three of them sounding like they used to, this place working the magic from
all those years ago.
ÒDoes
Spock know youÕre with Sarek?Ó Ny asked.
ÒI
donÕt know. He and I lasted even less than a minute. We never really talked
about much.Ó
ÒEspecially
not about Jim, I bet.Ó Ny sounded beyond bitter. ÒJimÕs ghost lives in those
rooms on Vulcan.Ó
ÒYeah,
but yours does, too.Ó She saw NyÕs look of confusion and smiled gently. ÒClothes
still in the closet. Your drawer.Ó
ÒHe
didnÕt empty that?Ó
ÒNot
all the way.Ó
ÒWell,
thatÕs rude.Ó Ny sounded aggravated enough for both of them, so Chapel just
nodded with a grin. ÒSo...did you go after Sarek to get back at Spock?Ó
ÒNy.
Jeez.Ó Jan looked ticked off—she hated when things were working out and
some fool took them off track. Even if the fool was one of them.
ÒItÕs
okay. No, Sarek pursued me.Ó She decided not to tell them it was while she was
still with Spock. Some things didnÕt need to be shared with anyone but Sarek.
Jan
started to chuckle and seemed to be trying to hide it by sipping her rather
frou-frou drink.
ÒWhat?Ó
Ny glared at her. ÒWhat?Ó
ÒIÕm
just thinking how awkward Sarek and ChristineÕs parties are going to be if you
get invited and so does Spock.Ó Her chuckle turned into a real laugh. ÒMaybe he
can go off world or something.Ó
ÒJan.
HeÕs hurting.Ó NyÕs voice was full of compassion—and love, Chapel
realized. When it came down to it, her friend loved Spock way more than she
ever had. She hadnÕt moved on. She still cared. Chapel hadnÕt even bothered to
reach out to him to tell him she was with her father, although she knew Sarek
had told Saavik, who would let Spock know. It was the way heÕd been relaying
information to Spock for years: first through Amanda and now this girl who was
almost a daughter to him since sheÕd spent more time with Sarek and Amanda than
Spock when she was growing up.
She
did not seem to want to warm to Chapel. Saavik had loved Amanda dearly, from
what Sarek had told her. Maybe sheÕd just run out of room in her heart for
anyone else. Chapel understood that. SheÕd never hold it against Saavik for not
wanting to love her, just as long as they could be civil to each other. Just as
long as they never made it hard for Sarek—and she knew they were united
in their love for him, even if any other kind of accord seemed out of reach
right now.
ÒYou
should go see Spock,Ó Chapel said into the silence that was becoming weird
again. ÒI think...I think youÕre not quite ready to say goodbye. And youÕre
part of his world, even when youÕre not there so maybe heÕs not ready either.Ó
She smiled and knew that for once it lacked all trace of the ops deception she
used to cover up what she really felt. ÒI mean if you want to, you should. I
donÕt matter in this, so it doesnÕt matter that I donÕt mind, but I really
donÕt mind.Ó
ÒI
miss him. But...I donÕt know if thereÕs enough room for me, you know?Ó
Chapel
nodded. For a moment, they locked eyes, and she saw contrition in NyÕs and she
hoped her friend saw forgiveness in hers.
Then
Ny turned to Jan. ÒOkay, missy. YouÕre with Sulu? Details for your two best
girls. Now.Ó
Jan
blushed, the way she always did when she had to talk about something that
really mattered to her, but her smile was luminous. It was a sweet story. A
love building over the years for her. Sulu had been in love with her forever,
though, since that first mission. Chapel was happy he was finally getting his
happy ending.
As
she smiled and listened and laughed and talked, she felt the cold, lonely part
of her that had missed these two so much finally settle down and open back up.
##
Chapel
took a deep breath and tried again to do up the intricate fasteners on her
blouse. Why the hell had she thought this was a good thing to wear? Her hands
were shaking, and she closed her eyes and began to count, trying to calm
herself. She should not be this nervous. Just because she was serving as SarekÕs
official hostess for the first time. Just because Saavik would be at this
shindig, glaring—in the Vulcan/Romulan way she had of doing that was
highly disconcerting and seemed to happen more the longer Chapel was with
Sarek. Just because Spock would be in the room with them for the first time
since she and Sarek had started seeing each other.
ÒLet
me,Ó Sarek said softly, pushing her hands away from the blouse and fastening it
easily. He let his fingers settle on the skin of her abdomen, under the blouse,
when he finished, and she knew he was reading her. ÒYou are very nervous.Ó
ÒI
deal with crises for a living but his has me...Ó She looked around for her
glass. ÒSome of that liqueur should calm me down.Ó
ÒI
have another way to help you.Ó He moved closer, his hands moving to the meld
points, something he had not done before.
ÒNow?
YouÕve never...Ó
ÒI
know. By design. We were new. And, for me, a meld where I am not simply seeking
information but also sharing is the greatest form of intimacy. I cannot hide in
it. You will feel what I do. I will feel what you do.Ó
ÒAnd
thatÕs bad?Ó
ÒWe
have worked to come together as true partners—although it did not feel
like effort, but still it was not handed to us. We had no assurance that our
feelings would endure, and yet we strove to ensure they would. We did not know
if our feelings were equal in intensity—or that past relationships might
not still hold sway—and yet we moved forward. A meld can disrupt that
process. It...is cheating. But also, it can stop the striving, the
progressing.Ó
ÒBut
now it wonÕt?Ó
ÒNow,
it is needed.Ó He kissed her as he pressed his fingers gently into her skin.
She
expected it to be like the time she shared consciousness with Spock, but it was
so much more. SarekÕs presence was everywhere, filling her with love, with
affection, with respect. Then he eased away, letting the meld dissolve gently.
She felt as if heÕd wrapped her up in a warm blanket on a cold day—and
thrown in some hot cocoa with those little marshmallows for good measure.
ÒThank you.Ó
ÒI
know you will represent us well, Christine.Ó He pulled her into a light hug.
ÒWhatever Spock thinks of us. Whatever he does or says. However Saavik behaves.
It is irrelevant. Their comportment is ultimately their choice. I am very proud
to introduce you as my mate.Ó
ÒIÕm
your mate?Ó
ÒUnless
you do not wish to be? I want no one else. I want nothing less from you. A
ceremony will merely be a formalization of the regard I hold for you. But there
will be a ceremony—unless you do not wish to wed.Ó He didnÕt sound
uncertain, but then what sheÕd felt in the meld, he had to have been feeling
from her as well.
ÒIs
that a proposal?Ó She grinned. ÒA highly Vulcan, ever logical, proposal?Ó
ÒIt
is.Ó He brushed her hair off her shoulders. ÒWill you be my wife?Ó
ÒIf
youÕre doing this to calm me down, itÕs working wonders. But I have to say
itÕll only work once.Ó
She
heard the puff of air that she loved. His dear, dear laugh. ÒI will think of
something else next time. Now, will you answer the question?Ó
ÒI
will.Ó She waited, then started to laugh at his expression. ÒThat was my
answer. ÔWill I be your wife?Õ I will.Ó
ÒGood.Ó
He let her go and smoothed down her blouse. ÒI would suggest something on the
bottom other than just these.Ó His fingers slipped under the lace of her
panties. ÒBut...perhaps not just yet.Ó
She
groaned and as he kept touching, she had to lean on him to stay upright. The
rooms were soundproofed, so she didnÕt try to stay quiet as he pushed her over
the edge. When she reached for him, he whispered, ÒNo. This is just for you,Ó
and he held her, murmuring, ÒMy wife.Ó
When
she could finally talk again, she said, ÒAre you going to tell Spock that IÕm
to be your wife?Ó
ÒDo
you think I should not?Ó
She
grinned as she pulled on the rest of her clothes and gave herself a last
once-over in the mirror. ÒNo, I think you should tell him. He may be in a
better mood than you expect because I invited Ny. I think...I think they might
have a chance.Ó And if not, at least Saavik would have to split her ire. Ny had
told Chapel that the girl didnÕt seem to like her, either.
Solving
problems: it was what she was good at.
ÒI
saw her name on the guest list. I wondered at the inclusion given her history
with Spock.Ó
ÒBut
you didnÕt say anything.Ó
ÒI
trust you. And your methods.Ó He touched her cheek as he said it, his eyes
serene and full of the love and acceptance sheÕd craved all her life. ÒAre you
ready?Ó
ÒI
am.Ó
FIN