DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters
are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are
the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2004 by Djinn. This
story is Rated PG-13.
Search for Me
by Djinn
Search for me in every constellation.
Search for me where ancient worlds collide.
Please don't leave me stranded here without you by my side.
- "Search for Me" by Gailyn Addis
Spock is out there, somewhere
beyond the hazy
Kirk just doesn't know
why. It hurts that he doesn't know,
that Spock didn't tell him. That he left
in the night--like a thief, stealing all the good things out of Kirk's life.
They went to sleep one night,
curled in each other's arms. Kirk woke
up the next day alone. Not that unusual--Spock tended to sleep less than he
did. Kirk often had the bed to
himself. But the whole
apartment? The
whole city? The
whole goddamned planet?
Starfleet Command is dismal
now. It was bad before, when he knew
Spock was there to come home to. But it
was tolerable, if Spock was there to talk to, to hear his misery. It is so much worse now, with no one waiting
for him. No one to
care about him.
He hates his job, he hates
his life.
And much of the time, he
hates Spock. The rest of the time he hates
himself for hating Spock.
If he just
understood why Spock left him. It would be better then. It would hurt less.
If he understood--and if he
just could stop missing him.
--------
The skies above Gol are clear. There
is nothing to obscure the view of the stars.
Nothing to prevent Spock from staring up at them and
wondering if Jim has forgiven him yet.
It has taken months for Spock
to forgive himself.
He should have warned
Jim. He shouldn't have left him in the
night.
But he knew that Jim would
have found a way to make him stay. One more night. Then another. Then another. Until
all that was left was the human who loved Jim.
Until everything Vulcan in Spock was gone.
He hears the priestess moving
from the testing sands to the sleeping chambers, and he lies quietly, willing
her not to notice him. Lying out under
the stars is not part of the discipline.
Lying under the stars and thinking of Jim is particularly not
prescribed.
It is an indulgence. One he will give up soon. Now that he has made peace with his guilt, he
must take the next step. He must
eradicate his loneliness.
It is not logical to miss
someone you abandoned.
But he does.
------------------
Kirk watches as Spock moves
around the bridge. He's dreamed of this
moment, scripted it in his head. So many
ways it could play. Him
angry, Spock contrite. Him happy, Spock relieved.
But he never imagined
this. Him happy, Spock
unmoved.
Why didn't he see this
coming? No emotions
means just that.
Spock isn't here for Kirk. He's here for his own reasons, and they have
nothing to do with love and everything to do with that thing bearing down on
them. Spock doesn't care that Kirk is
here. He doesn't care if Kirk is
hurting.
Spock wants to go down to
engineering to discuss fuel equations.
Kirk's heart is breaking with joy and pain, and Spock wants to talk
about fuel equations. With
someone else.
Spock doesn't care about him
at all.
Kirk wishes he could turn and
walk back to his chair and pretend that he too doesn't care at all.
But instead he smiles. "Welcome back," he says, like an
idiot. Like a lovesick,
kick-me-again-it-didn't-hurt-enough-the-first-time fool.
Spock ignores him.
It shouldn't be a
surprise. It shouldn't hurt.
But it does.
--------------------
Spock assesses the progress
the
Spock does not understand it
either, but he thinks he is farther along in knowing it than they are.
He sinks to the floor of the
quarters the captain assigned him. He
closes his eyes and reaches out with his mind.
The
captain.
He forces the stray thought away. He feels the entity's power, radiating from it
even now when it is still some distance from them.
Kirk.
Spock feels a surge of
something as the name arises inside him, unwilled, unwanted. He suppresses the feeling as he learned to do
at Gol. He
knows some will think he failed in his task to rid himself of his emotions, but
he did not. This entity promised him
more than his home planet and its harshest discipline could ever deliver, so he
decided to seek it out.
He searches for unity. He seeks wholeness. He wonders if he will be able to meld with
the entity.
He remembers melding with
Jim--Kirk--the captain.
This is why he did not stay
at Gol. This
is why the entity holds such promise. He
has made it too far to have his serenity ripped away by these stray
emotions. By this passion he can
remember even if he can no longer feel it.
He will not give in to it.
He will not give in to Jim.
----------------
Kirk stands at the
viewscreen, looking out at the stars. He
hears his chime and does not turn around as he calls, "Come."
He can tell it is Spock,
knows the cadence of his footsteps.
"I am not sure that I am
welcome." Spock's voice is
tentative. And hoarse,
as if he has done more talking in the last few days than in the past few years.
It is possible he has.
"You left me."
"I know."
"Without
a word."
There is no answer to
that. Spock was there too, he knows he
abandoned him.
"I am unwelcome,"
Spock says. He starts to walk away.
"No. You're not."
He can hear Spock turn again,
back to him, back to what they had.
Will they ever get back what
they had? They never will if he won't
reach out to Spock. He stretches his
hand behind him, palm up, and waits.
He does not have to wait
long. Spock's hand covers his own; his
fingers grasp his in a tight clasp--almost too tight.
"I'm glad you're
back. I've missed you." He hears Spock start to speak and jerks his
hand hard, to startle him--to silence him.
"Don't. Don't say you missed
me. Don't lie."
Spock is quiet, does not lie
to him.
It is a start.
---------------------------
Spock stares down at Jim as
he sleeps. He did not expect to be
forgiven as easily as he has been. Jim
is generous.
Jim has always been
generous. Spock was a fool to leave that
generosity.
Spock will not be a fool
again.
He touches Jim's forehead,
runs his fingers though hair that is darker than he remembers. Jim is darker than he remembers. The years on Earth were not kind to him.
But they did not make Jim
unkind. He could have been that way,
could have made Spock pay for leaving. Could have made him work for forgiveness. But he did not.
He was
loving. He was passionate. He was merciful.
But Spock does not think he
trusts him yet. He is not sure Jim will
ever trust him again.
Spock will work his whole
life to earn back that trust.
Jim pulls away from his
fingers. He appears to be unused to
sharing a bed, to having someone touch him in the night. It is a relief to Spock, even as it saddens
him. Jim was alone. Jim should never have been alone, but he
was. Because of him.
He thinks he should leave, go
back to his quarters and let Jim sleep in peace. But he does not want him to wake and find him
gone like the last time. He does not
want Jim to think he abandoned him again, even if he feels less than welcome in
his lover's bed.
Spock gets up, careful to not
disturb Jim, to not wake him. He sits in
the chair by the viewscreen, staring out at the stars, then back at Jim.
Looking at him, being back
here with him, he cannot say why he ever left.
He is not sure he will ever be able to explain it.
Perhaps he should not even
try. Perhaps he should just say, "I
was wrong to leave you as I did," as he said over and over to Jim before
he fell asleep.
Jim did not tell him it was
all right. Jim did not yell at him for leaving. Jim did not want to talk about it, said he
never wants to talk about it.
Jim doesn't trust him enough
to talk about it.
Spock knows that they will
have to talk about it. Someday. When Jim believes in him again.
When he
trusts him again.
Someday.
FIN