DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2004 by Djinn. This story is Rated PG-13.

Scientist

by Djinn

The air is brisk as Christine leaves the lab for the walk home. She pulls her coat around her more securely, wishing the anger she feels inside could warm her outside.

"Hey!" David runs out behind her, ignoring the new guard who tells him to slow down--the old guards will fill him in soon enough on not trying to fetter the creative element. "Christine, wait."

She walks faster. She is tired. So tired of arguing with him. He is determined to use the protomatter. And she has run out of other options.

Two years ago, she was as hot to try it out as he is. Two years ago, she wasn't lying to Jim every time he tries to ask her about work--as well as every time it never even occurs to him to ask about his son. She sees his son every damn day, and he doesn't even know it.

It doesn't help that Jim seems more miserable in his own Earthbound job with every day that passes. He hates that part of his life, and the rest of it she is wrecking all on her own.

David catches up to her. "Christine. Stop. Please."

She turns to him, but doesn't stop walking. It's too cold to stand outside and argue. She shivers, pulls the stupidly ineffectual regulation jacket she grabbed that morning around her.

"Come on. Let's get some coffee and talk where it's warm." He takes her arm, steers her toward a nearby coffeehouse.

She yanks her arm away. "I don't want coffee, David. I want to go home."

He takes her hand, gives her the pleading look that is half Jim and half some terrible tempter out of myth. Loki, she decided long ago. David is Loki.

He moves his other hand underneath hers, trapping hers as he chafes it softly. "Please? Christine, I need you." He is leaning in, his look intense.

He can turn intellectual conversation into seduction. Even if he has absolutely no interest in her that way, he still can use his father's charm to get what he wants.

She lets him pull her inside. He orders for her and carries the drinks to a secluded table.

"I know you're angry with me," he says. "But we've tried everything else. It's time to bite the bullet."

She doesn't answer.

"I don't understand your attitude, Christine. You want this as much as I do. You're as eager to test out your theories as I am. I know you are. So what is the problem?" He leans in. "I can't believe you're letting your personal life get in the way of this."

"Stay out of my personal life," she says, only barely stopping herself from adding, "And your father's."

"Okay." He holds up his hands. "Christine, I need to know you won't fight me on this. Mother cannot know what we are planning."

She doesn't answer. He knows she won't tell Carol. There is no way she won't be blamed just as much as David. In this case, it definitely takes two to tango with protomatter.

He shakes his head. "We're not doing anything wrong. When this is over, history will laud us."

She is tired. Too tired to fight him. She wishes she never accepted his offer, never gave in to his charm. Her hubris was matched only by her stupidity--did she really think that she could keep this from Jim and not pay some kind of price?

Lies fester. Even if the person being lied to doesn't suspect they don't know the truth. The liar knows. And she pays for being false in every other aspect of her life with the person she has wronged.

Christine has been paying for some time now. The worst part is that she's started to close her eyes when she and Jim make love. She can't bear for him to see what lies inside her. What lies lie inside her.

She sighs.

What difference does it make anymore? But for her work on the project, David wouldn't even be at a stage to use protomatter. She made it possible for him to harness the damned stuff; she should see this out.

David suddenly looks over at the window.

"What's wrong?"

"I thought someone was there. Watching us."

She closes her eyes. He's getting paranoid, she's getting neurotic. If they're not doing anything wrong, why are they both so jumpy?

She gets up, her coffee mostly untouched. "I have to get home."

"But you'll be back tomorrow?"

She nods. She'll be back. She'll probably always be back. The siren song of this young genius and her own curiosity are too strong to resist.

Even though she knows she should resist. Should just tell him and his mother to go to hell and let them finish Genesis on their own.

"Christine. It's going to be all right. You'll see."

She turns and leaves, walking home as quickly as she can. Jim isn't there when she arrives. She hangs her coat up and wanders the rooms of their apartment, touching the things they've bought together since they moved back to Earth. So much shared property, so many shared memories.

And they are supposed to get married in a few months. That thought used to make her ecstatic. Now it just feels like the lies are closing in more.

She laughs at herself. Does she really think this will get worse when they are married?

How can it possibly get any worse?

She hears the front door open, walks back out to the main room. Jim is hanging up his coat, he doesn't turn to look at her.

"Hi." She moves to him, wrapping her arms around him. "Long day?"

He nods.

"Jim?"

He turns, stares at her. "You'd tell me if you were unhappy, wouldn't you?"

"If I were unhappy with what?"

He shrugs. "With anything. Work. Us."

"Sure. Why? Are you trying to tell me that you're sick of us?" She grins, wants to turn it into a joke. She doesn't like how sad he seems or how hard his eyes are.

Work must have really been bad today. He has never come home like this before.

"No. I'm not." He seems disappointed in her answer, moves away and pours himself a drink.

She watches him, realizes she is still cold and wraps her arms around herself.

He glances over, his expression becomes even harder.

"Jim? What is it?"

"Nothing. It's been a bad day. Didn't end well." He stalks off toward his study.

She watches him go. Feels another crack creeping down between them. If love is a bridge, then this one is quickly becoming structurally unsound.

And she knows that most of that is her fault. Lies fester.

She's an idiot.

She's also trapped by her own ambitions. Ambitions she didn't even know she had before Genesis.

She debates going into his study but then she hears the music start up. Old jazz, the kind he loves and she doesn't. The message couldn't be clearer: "Stay away. I don't want you."

She sighs. She's not hungry, just cold. She decides to go to bed and warm up there.

She wonders if he'll join her before she falls asleep.

He doesn't.

---------------------------

"Christine, you seem particularly distracted tonight." Spock is looking down at the Ka'Vareth board.

It's true. She's made a mess of the game. Almost as much as she's made a mess of her life.

She pushes her chair back, tips one of the pieces over.

"It is premature to admit defeat."

"What are the odds that I'll win?"

"Approximately one thousand three hundred to one, given the way you are playing."

"Well, there you go." She gets up, walks over to the window, looking for Jim.

She can smell the food; it's almost ready. Where the hell is Jim? He knew Spock was coming over for dinner.

"You can trust me, Christine. If there is a problem, I would like to help."

"It doesn't concern you," she says more sharply than she means to.

"Of course. My apologies for intruding." He turns away.

She thinks she's actually hurt his feelings. "No. I'm sorry. That was rude." She turns away from the window. "It's just a rough patch right now. That's all."

She and Jim will be fine.

She just needs to keep telling herself that.

Believing it might be a good start too.

She looks back out the window, sees Jim. He's got Admiral Cartwright in tow. She sighs. He didn't tell her he was bringing Matthew. Fortunately, she's cooked too much food.

In the old days, he would have told her.

In the old days, they actually talked.

He and Matthew barrel into the apartment, laughing. Jim's smile fades a bit when he sees her.

That hurts.

But it's only fair. She can feel her own expression tighten as she looks at him.

She senses Spock is missing nothing. She is not sure how much of this Matthew is picking up.

She moves to the kitchen, gets the food ready. Matthew helps her, like he always does.

"Sure smells good, Christine." He grins at her.

"Thanks." She tries to relax, figures she will if she has a few more glasses of wine.

As if he can read her mind, Jim is handing her a glass of red. He's making short work of his own Scotch.

Great. If this keeps up, they'll be lushes as well as strangers.

Dinner isn't as painful as it would be if it were just Jim and her. Matthew and Spock are keeping the conversation going with tales of the cadets. Jim is smiling, but he doesn't chime in, even though she knows he must have a few funny cadet stories of his own.

Not surprisingly, she is afraid to share any funny Genesis-in-the-making stories. She's sure she'll slip up, mention Carol or David or something restricted.

Jim and the others never ask her about her work. They all know she's working on something very sensitive. They all understand that even though they might be cleared for it, that doesn't mean they need to know about it. They're all good officers that way.

It makes it easier to lie to them.

She knows she could talk about things more than she does. She could complain about the idiosyncrasies of her coworkers or talk about problems in general. It's what her colleagues do at home. But she's just as afraid that she'll accidentally mention protomatter as she is about outing her relationship with Jim's estranged ex-girlfriend and son. She knows it's her own guilt making her act so tightlipped. But knowing why she is doing it doesn't make it any easier to stop.

After dinner, Spock tries to help her clean up, but she shoos him out of the kitchen. She can hear the three of them out in the living room. They sound much more relaxed.

She hates to think it is because she isn't there.

She knows it might be exactly because of that.

When she's done cleaning up, she goes to her study instead of joining them. She finds it hard to concentrate on anything, finally gives up and stares out the window at what looks like a gathering storm on the horizon.

"You okay?" Jim is standing at the doorway, watching her.

She nods.

"They left. You didn't come out."

"I wasn't in the mood. Sorry."

He sighs, steps farther into the room. "Chris, we need to talk. I can't stand this."

"So talk."

His face tightens. The flip answer was definitely not the best.

"I'm sorry, Jim. I'm just tired."

"You're tired a lot."

He's right. She uses it as an excuse for everything. Even for sex lately. She's found that sex is just too much of a connection right now. It is getting too hard to hide the truth.

But she wants sex. She wants him. She wants to push him up against the wall right now. She wants him to grab her and kiss her and force her to tell him the truth about Genesis and David and Carol.

It's the only way he's going to find out.

"I know you're having an affair."

Her jaw drops. He knows what?

"I saw you--" he swallows hard "--and him. The other day at that coffee place near your office. Who is he?"

"You were spying on me?"

"I came by to surprise you. I was going to take you out to dinner."

"Oh." She stares at him, unsure what to say. Of all the conclusions he could have leapt to, this is the last one she saw coming.

"So. How long has this been going on?"

"Jim, I know how it must have looked, but that's not what you saw. He's just a friend. From work."

"Didn't look like just a friend. Your conversation looked like life or death to me." He smiles bitterly. "I'm familiar with how intense you can be. This was definitely you upset."

She moves toward him, but he shies away. "You're right, Jim. I was upset. But it was just a work issue. Something in the project that he and I disagreed on."

"Really?" He looks far from convinced.

"Really."

He moves closer. "Then you won't mind if I talk to him. Ask him myself?" He steps forward, grabs her arms. "Who is he, Chris?"

She can feel her face go white. "Jim. I can't tell you that."

"Somehow, that's exactly what I figured you'd say." He lets go of her, starts out of the room. But he turns at the door. "You still planning on going to Harry's this weekend?"

She nods. She's been looking forward to seeing the ranch ever since Jim's uncle told them about it at dinner the last time he was in town.

"Well, don't. I need some time alone." His eyes are cold. Colder than she's ever seen them. "You stay here. With your 'friend.'"

"Jim. No." She reaches out for him. "Don't do this."

"Then tell me the truth, dammit!"

Her hand drops. "I am telling you the truth." The falseness of that statement rings between them.

"No. You aren't." He turns on his heel and walks out. She hears the door close to his study; the jazz starts up.

He doesn't come out all night.

---------------------------------

The apartment seems particularly empty with Jim gone. He's back in Idaho. Apparently, he enjoyed his weekend so much that he decided to take some leave and revisit it for a long weekend.

He never asked her if she wanted to come.

Christine roams the apartment like a caged animal, pacing back and forth as if she has been locked inside her own home.

The comm unit rings and she races to it. Maybe it's him. Maybe he's missing her and wants her to come.

It's Harry.

"Hi," she says uncertainly.

"Hello, Christine." He looks over his shoulder, as if afraid he's going to get caught taking to her.

"Something wrong?"

"Well, something must be. You sure as hell aren't here, now are you?"

She looks down. "I'd like to be."

"Then hop the nearest transporter and get your rear end up here." He glares at her. He's not kidding around.

"I would. But--" She looks down. She doesn't want to tell Jim's uncle that his nephew would rather not see his fiancee.

They've postponed the marriage again. She supposes she should be grateful it's an informal thing. Easily scheduled and rescheduled. Because they've been postponing it ever since they left the ship. Probably about the minute Jim started to sense she was keeping something from him, and she started to pull back because of all the lies she was telling.

"Christine, Jim'll kill me if he finds out I called you. But you need to get up here. I don't know what's going on between the two of you, but..." He sighs. "Oh hell, look, I've got a houseguest right now. Sweet thing. Daughter of a friend. Real looker. Do you see the damn problem?"

She closes her eyes. Nods.

"Do you care?"

"Of course I care. It's just not that simple."

"They're getting on real well, girl. See my houseguest is just back on Earth after a bad breakup. I'm thinking she could use some comforting. I'm also thinking Jim seems awfully eager to be the one giving that comfort. You better get up here if you want to keep him."

He's cheating on her now. It's only fair--in his mind anyway. She hasn't given him any reason to think she's not cheating.

"Christine. Get up here."

"Okay." She feels something fill her. Resolve. Anger. Guilt. Everything.

The man she loves may soon be out of reach, and it's her fault.

But she can fix this. She can stop this.

She hurries out of the apartment, practically runs to the transporter station. Somehow manages to talk the tech into beaming her directly to the ranch. She hurries to the house, knocks loudly.

Harry answers. "Good, you're here. He's in the barn."

She doesn't wait, starts to run and then sees Jim come out. She realizes she is crying. No wonder the tech took pity on her.

Jim starts walking toward her, as he gets closer he sees she is crying and begins to hurry. "Chris, what's wrong?"

She throws herself into his arms. Tries to talk but is crying too hard.

"What's happened? Did someone get hurt?"

She pulls away. "No. I'm sorry."

She sees a woman come out of the barn, can't tell much about her except she looks pretty--and young. The woman watches them.

"Is that her?"

He doesn't look back. "That's Antonia. She's staying with my uncle until she gets settled." His eyes narrow. "Did Harry call you?"

She looks down. She can't even protect Harry. She hates lying. "Yes," she says. "He did."

No more lies. That's what her new policy will be.

No more goddamn lies.

"I'm going to kill him."

"Don't. He's just worried about you. About us."

"Chris, I'm not sure there's an us to worry about anymore." He sighs. "What the hell happened? We were so happy."

She nods. "It's this project, Jim. I hate the secrecy. I'm going to transfer out. I'll tell them that. We're at a transition point, it's the perfect time. I don't care about it anymore. I just don't want to lose you." She looks down. "Do you even love me anymore?"

"Oh, Chris." He pulls her close, his arms tight. His voice is more gentle than it has been for months. "Of course I love you."

She sees Antonia go back into the barn. "I'm not gonna ask you if you slept with her." She knows that might make it look like she did sleep with David, but she doesn't care. She just wants to start fresh. With no more lies.

"I--"

She touches his lips with her fingers. "I don't want to know. Everything else is in the past. No more secrets. And no lies. From this moment on. All right?" She strokes his face. "I love you. I don't want anything to come between us."

She kisses him, feels him hesitate and kisses him with more passion until he responds, and his arms tighten around her.

"Do you have a bedroom here?" she asks.

"We have a perfectly good bedroom in our apartment. Let's go back there now." He looks guilty suddenly, and it hits her like a punch to the gut.

He did sleep with Antonia. He doesn't want to sleep with Christine in the same room.

Is it because he doesn't want to hurt her? Or because he doesn't want to hurt Antonia?

"You want a ride into town?" Harry calls from the front porch.

"We're going to have words, old man." Jim glares at him.

"That doesn't answer my question. Should I go fire up the flitter or not?"

"Yes," she answers for both of them. "Please."

Harry smiles and walks away, returns a moment later in the small flitter. They climb in; the ride to town is silent, but Jim keeps squeezing her hand, and she keeps looking over at him as if to reassure herself that he is really coming home with her.

"Next time I see you, Christine, I hope you can stay a while," Harry says as they climb out of the flitter.

"Me too." She smiles at him. "Thank you."

He nods solemnly. "Just as long as everything turned out okay. That way, I won't have to get mad that you went and told him I called you."

"Sorry. I'm a bad liar." If only that were true.

She follows Jim into the station, waits with him in line. He holds her hand. But there is something in his face, some sort of sadness she doesn't like.

Just how much does he feel for this other woman? Does he love Antonia?

"If you want to turn around, I'm sure she'll still be there." It is a stupid thing to say, but it is the only thing to say. Sometimes you have to be brave and face things head on.

But her heart breaks a little as she says it.

He hesitates a moment too long.

She pulls away. "Look. Just go back then."

He doesn't move. "It's not like that."

"Then what is it like?"

"It's just that I'm not sure we can be saved."

She feels all expression die on her face. They're terminal? As a doctor, she knows it's all over the moment she gives up on a patient living.

That is unless the patient has other ideas.

"We can be. I know it." She takes his hand. "We were happy."

"Past tense."

"We will be happy. Future tense."

He smiles slightly. The tech motions them forward and he doesn't seem to hesitate. She steps up too, gives the man the station they want.

The walk to their apartment is short, the elevator ride even shorter. Their apartment seems so cold, so empty.

He sighs as they walk in, turns to her. "At least keep your goddamned eyes open. I don't want to have to wonder if you're pretending I'm some younger man."

She looks down. It never occurred to her that David's age would be a factor in this. But Jim has been touchy about his final approach to fifty. She's not sure why--he's as vital as ever.

"You're the only one I see," she says, as she moves into his arms.

He kisses her, tentatively at first, then with more passion. They don't bother getting to the bedroom, fall down on the couch and make love with the old intensity.

She is careful to keep her eyes open.

She notices he does not call her name out, wonders if he is afraid to call out any name in case it is the wrong one.

As they lie together afterwards, there is something missing between them. The sex was good, their kisses now are sweet.

But the trust is gone. On both their parts.

She hopes not forever.

-----------------

"You're sure you don't mind being hostess for this dog and pony show?" Carol is bustling around her office, getting ready to go check out the site for stage two. Christine hasn't been told where it will be--she's found that information on future stages of the project are off limits to her since she told Carol she was leaving.

And people seem to be watching what they say around her.

It's okay. She doesn't need to know anymore. Not if she's leaving.

Carol looks over at her. "It's just a couple of admirals. I guess that's the peril of having such a sexy project. We're constantly playing tour guide."

David doesn't play guide often, mainly because he invariably loses patience with the visitors. They're never as smart as he is.

Fortunately, David is going with his mother. Christine won't have to worry about what he might say to the brass.

"Thank you for being so understanding about my leaving," Christine says.

"I know it's been hard to lie to Jim. I hope you realize how vital your silence has been to the project's success?"

Christine nods. Although she thinks her silence has been more vital for keeping Jim away from David than for the sanctity of Carol's precious project.

Carol gives her a look that seems almost envious. "You're doing what you have to do to preserve something you believe in. I understand that. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had fought harder for Jim." She looks away, then she looks back. "I don't like that you're leaving though. David needs you, Christine."

She nods unhappily. She knows he needs her; she is his conscience. She's worried that he may not have one of his own.

"There will always be a place for you here, Christine. I want you to know that."

She nods, touched at Carol's warmth. She and Jim's old flame have never been close. But Carol treats her well. Probably because David and Christine have been joined at the hip since she came on board. And because they've gotten such amazing results.

David was right. The protomatter was the answer. It is the sole reason they are moving onto stage two. It is the reason they are ready.

She sighs. A part of her would like to see this out.

But that part isn't in charge anymore.

"Good luck with the tour," Carol says as David walks in. "Ready, kiddo?"

"Ready." He smiles at Carol. Sometimes Christine thinks his relationship with his mother is unhealthily close, might be worried if she didn't know that David preferred men. It was what made Jim's worries so silly. Not that she could tell him that.

Soon, she wouldn't have to worry about it. Soon she'd be free of this project and the wedge it had put up between Jim and her.

She follows Carol and David out, veers off before the main entrance and goes to her office. She has a lot to do before the visitors arrive. And more to do after that if she wants to get home at a decent hour.

And she does want to. Things with Jim are better, but they are still so tentative around each other. She knows that only time spent together rebuilding the connection they've lost will make them more at ease.

And spending time with him is no hardship. Having sex repeatedly as a temperature check isn't bad either.

She forces herself to stop thinking of Jim, and finish transitioning her work. David has all her notes on protomatter, but there are other parts of her work that she can share with the rest of the team. It's just a matter of organizing the information.

A few hours later, she has them ready to go. Tomorrow she can finish up any miscellaneous files, visit the security office to be debriefed, and then she will be free. Finally.

She will also be out of a job. So far, Starfleet Medical seems to have forgotten about her--or at least they're not beating down the doors with her next assignment. Then again, they might not know where the Genesis doors are.

She will be so glad to get back to Starfleet proper.

"Doctor Chapel?" One of the other scientists looks in.

She imagines that when he calls her "Doctor," he is probably more interested in her biochem doctorate than in her M.D.

"Our admirals are here." He manages to put a sneer into the titles. David's dislike of all things military has rubbed off on too many of her colleagues, but she can't get him to moderate his hostility, even to set a better example.

What does he care about what kind of example he sets? Other than intellectually--he loves being the exemplar in that.

"Starfleet is the one paying our bills. We should all remember that."

"You're Starfleet, so I'd expect you to say that." He walks out.

She sighs as she gets up. She is one of the few Starfleet here. Carol has been astoundingly successful at keeping the military out. Other than those she and David particularly wanted on the project.

There are so many days when Christine wishes she wasn't one of those chosen few.

She sees that the lights in the conference room are on. The admirals will be waiting for her. She has filled in before on these little tours. Enjoys them actually. Interacting with the brass and selling the project as best she can to those who have a layman's grasp at best of the science behind the sexy premise is fun.

She walks into the room and forgets how to breathe.

Jim is one of the admirals. She can't even take in who the other is. Just stares at Jim as he looks up and immediately goes white, then his face begins to turn red.

Rage. She is looking at rage.

Somehow he manages to speak. "I didn't realize you were involved in Carol's project, Commander."

She nods. The other admiral looks at her strangely.

"What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?" Jim stands up. "We're here for a tour. Give us one."

The other admiral looks at him sharply. Jim's words and tone are rude. No other word for it.

The other admiral doesn't have any idea what he's just wandered into.

She swallows hard. "I'm not the most qualified to give the tour. Perhaps another one of the scientists could---"

"--No, Chris. I want you to give us the tour."

She somehow nods. "This way then."

Jim seems to settle down as she takes them through the history of the project. But Carol told her that Jim knew about Genesis, at least in concept. Carol was working on it even back when they were together.

"And which section do you specialize in, Commander?" the other admiral asks, probably hoping to keep them on safe ground.

"Chris is a biochem specialist. That would be David Marcus's section, wouldn't it?"

She nods.

"And does he happen to have curly blonde hair? I think I caught a glimpse of him once through a window, but his back was to me. I may be mistaken." His eyes are unforgiving.

"No. You're not mistaken."

"I'm sure working together must be exhilarating? Must give you so much in common?" His tone is easy, as if he's just making conversation, but his eyes are angrier than she has ever seen them.

"We're friends."

"Close friends, I imagine."

"Not that close. We just work together."

"Ah." He looks over at the other admiral. "Enough small talk, right, Pete? We should let Commander Chapel get back to her work."

The other admiral nods.

A sick feeling is roiling up from Christine's stomach. She thinks she might throw up or pass out. Instead she reaches out, touches Jim's arm.

He jerks it away.

The other admiral doesn't notice. Just heads for the entrance. One of the guards lets him out.

"Don't go, Jim. We need to talk."

"You had an affair with my son. May still be having one with him. How much talk is necessary?"

"I wasn't involved with him."

He's not listening to her. "My son, Chris? That's sick."

"I swear to you. I did not sleep with him."

"Clever answer since you sleep with me every night. Did you have sex with him though?"

"No." She touches his arm again.

This time he looks down at her fingers, then slowly raises his head. "Don't do that again."

She has never been afraid of him.

Not until now.

She pulls her fingers away.

"I should have told you I was working with David and Carol."

"Yes, you should have. Why didn't you?"

She looks down. She's been trying to figure that out for too long. "It was because of the pro--" She swallows the rest of the word. He already thinks she is unfaithful, does she want to add unethical and insane to the list? "I made a mistake."

"You said no more lies."

"I'm leaving the project tomorrow. There won't be any more lies after I'm gone."

He just shakes his head. "Stay on the project, Chris. Stay with David. Because you're sure as hell not staying with me."

He turns on his heel and strides out. The guard sees his face and has the door open for him long before he gets there.

She feels as if she might faint, grabs the nearest piece of furniture for support and tries to figure out what to do.

She wants to run after him, but she knows he is too angry to listen to her. But tonight...she'll go home tonight and talk to him. When he's calmer.

She has a plan. Now if she could just remember how to breathe.

------------------

Jim is packing when she gets home. It's taken her the whole day to calm down and figure out what to do, how to make this right.

"I didn't sleep with him."

He just nods. Not as if he believes her, more as if he is too tired to fight about it.

"I know how I can prove it."

He turns to look at her.

"Spock. Let's go to his apartment. Now."

"A mind meld?"

She nods. She knows Spock will be able to tell that she never cheated on Jim.

It suddenly occurs to her that he might find out about the protomatter. Can she shield well enough to keep him from seeing that?

This is insane. She can't let him into her mind. He can't find out.

But Jim doesn't know that she's changed her mind. Maybe just her willingness to let Spock meld with her will be enough?

"All right. I believe you. You didn't sleep with him." He goes back to packing.

"You're still leaving?"

He nods.

"But I didn't cheat on you."

He turns to her. "Well, that's too bad because I cheated on you."

She swallows. "I know. I forgive you."

"You forgive me?" He laughs, a terribly bitter laugh. "You forgive me?" He drops the shirt he is folding, strides over to her.

The look on his face makes her take a step back, then another. The third step back lands her against the doorjamb.

"Where the hell do you get off forgiving me? You've been getting to know my son ever since we got back and you never told me. You never even hinted. And you forgive me?" He turns and walks back to the bed. "Carol at least was upfront about keeping him away from me. But you..." There is complete disgust in his voice.

"Jim."

"What the hell is wrong with you, Chris? What were you thinking?" He seems to sag. "How can I ever trust you again?"

"Jim, it was just..." She doesn't know what it just was. She's been stupid. So damn stupid not to tell him. She sees that now. But she couldn't tell him because he would have found out about the protomatter...

It always comes down to that damn protomatter.

Her own private apple in the garden.

She turns and walks out to the living room, slumps into the nearest chair. He's leaving her, and there's not a thing she can do to stop it.

Walking out, he sits down across from her. "Things haven't been good for a while now."

"I know." She can't meet his eyes.

"I think I'd almost prefer it if you were in love with someone else. Then I'd understand it. Why you kept him to yourself."

She looks up at him. She's not crying. She feels too numb to cry.

This is all her fault. That keeps ringing through her head. This is all her fault.

"Don't go, Jim."

"I have to. I can't stay here. I hate it here. I have since we got back."

It takes her a moment to realize that he means San Francisco, not their apartment.

"You're transferring?"

"I'm retiring." He laughs bitterly again. "I have retired. Effective today, I am gone."

"Where will you go?" She sees his face tighten. "You're going back to Idaho, aren't you?"

He doesn't look at her, just nods.

It stings. Hurts almost more than she can stand. He's going back to that other woman. Antonia.

"How do you know she'll take you back? You didn't even say goodbye when you left."

"I said goodbye later." He looks up at her.

"Oh." She thought he'd cut all ties with Antonia.

She was an idiot.

"And she's waiting for you now?"

He nods again.

"At least say goodbye to Spock."

"I have. He knows where I'll be."

She realizes he doesn't just mean Idaho. Did he buy a house? Does Antonia have one?

Spock knows where Jim will be, but Jim's not going to tell her.

She looks down. "It's really over then."

"Yes, it really is." He gets up, walks back into the bedroom. A few minutes later, he comes out with his bag. "I'll send for the rest of my stuff."

She nods.

He stares at her for a moment, his expression unreadable.

She blinks back tears, clenches her teeth so she won't say she loves him.

He doesn't care anyway.

"Goodbye," she says finally.

He nods, then walks out of the apartment.

And out of her life.

Forever.

-----------------------

Christine looks around her office one last time. She doesn't need to leave now that the rest of her life has fallen apart. But she can't stay. Not any longer. She can't undo the lies, and she can't undo her part in whatever comes of using protomatter. But she doesn't have to stay to make it worse.

Her comm unit buzzes and she turns it on audio only. She looks like shit from crying all night.

"Christine?" It is Carol.

Christine hits the video.

"Oh, my." Carol winces. "I'm sorry. I truly am."

"You're sorry for setting me up? Or you're sorry that Jim left me?"

Carol makes a face. "Both?" She leans forward, a tentative smile on her face. "I did it for you."

"You did it for you. For the project."

Carol doesn't look away. "And for David. He needs you, Christine." She sighs. "I meant it when I said there would always be a place for you here."

"Thanks, but I'm leaving."

Carol looks stunned.

"You thought I'd stay here after you ruined my life?"

"I didn't ruin your life, Christine. It feels like that now, I know. I've been there. But you'll get over it. I promise you--you'll get over him."

"No, Carol. I won't." She starts to pack the few things that actually belong to her.

"He'll have someone else in no time, Christine. That's how much you mean to him."

Christine turns around, glares angrily at this woman who knows nothing about Jim. "He already does. And do you know why? Because of all the lies. Because he thought I was having an affair first."

Carol leans in. "Christine. He would have had a new one no matter what. That's how he is."

"No. It's not how he is. I know him. I know what he's like. He loved me. He would have been faithful." She slams her desk drawer shut. "I expect good references from you."

"Stay and you'll get them. I'm not making any promises if you leave."

"Screw me over again, and I'll tell David who his father is."

"You wouldn't."

"Oh, I would. You've left me with nothing but my career. If you ruin that for me, what will I have to lose?"

Christine thinks Carol might actually be sweating.

"Just calm down. Of course, if you want to leave the project, I'll give you great references. There's no need for threats."

"I'm glad we've come to an understanding." She looks down, then back up at Carol. "Were you jealous? Is that it?" Only she's not sure if Carol was jealous of her and Jim or of her and David.

"Don't be absurd. I really have to go now. I'm sorry, truly."

"Stop saying that. I know it's not true."

She doesn't wait for Carol to sign off, just hefts her bag and heads for the security office for her debriefing.

A half hour later she is free.

And utterly alone.

She cuts through the Academy grounds, sees Spock talking to Saavik and some other students and veers off on a side path. She can't face him right now.

"Christine?"

She increases her pace, hopes whoever it is will just think she hasn't heard them.

"Christine!"

She turns, sees Matthew running toward her.

"What the hell happened to Jim? He retired yesterday."

She tries to maintain her composure. "I know."

"Well, you need to talk some sense into him. This is ridiculous. He'll be bored silly in a week."

"