DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters
are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are
the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2002 by Djinn. This story is Rated R.
A Particular Pain
by Djinn
Kirk's comm unit sounded and
he ignored it. It chimed twice more
before a voice announced, "Priority call for you from the
"Go ahead," he
said, slightly startled.
Decker appeared on the
terminal. "You're working late...or
is it early?"
"Will, this is a
surprise." Kirk wondered if Decker
had gotten wind of what he was about to pull.
He kept his face carefully neutral as he waited for the other man to
answer.
"You know Christine
pretty well, don't you, Admiral?"
Kirk knew he wasn't hiding
his surprise. "I guess. We occasionally see each other socially. Lunch, you know..."
Decker frowned. "That's all? I got the impression it was more."
Kirk gave him a 'what can I
tell you?' shrug. "Surely you
didn't comm me all the way from the Enterprise to talk about Doctor
Chapel?"
"Actually, I did. I thought you might have an idea why she's
had second thoughts about the CMO position.
She did tell you I'd offered it to her?"
Kirk fought to keep the
bitterness out of his smile. "Oh
yes. She told me, Will."
"It's a great move for
her. Turning it down now makes no
sense. She was really excited about
this."
She turned it down, Kirk
processed slowly. "I really can't
tell you why she did it, Captain. But
I'm sure she had her reasons."
"I don't suppose you
could talk to her? She's not taking my
comms for some reason."
Kirk almost laughed. "If I see her, Will, I'll ask."
Decker smiled in relief. "Thanks, sir." He turned to someone that was out of view,
listening for a moment before nodding. "I've
got to go. You know how it is
pre-launch."
Nodding, Kirk cut the
connection. He refused to think of her. Or of what Decker had said she'd done. She didn't deserve to be CMO anyway. Not on that ship...on his ship, he thought as
a cold anger filled him.
He pushed her from his
mind. Tried to calm the anger and focus
on his work. A chime at his door interrupted
his progress. "Come," he said,
impatience clear in his voice.
"Admiral
Kirk?" A young medical aide stepped
in nervously. When Kirk nodded, he
walked carefully to the desk and set a box down in front of him. "This is for you, sir."
"Who sent it?"
The aide shook his head, and
Kirk wasn't sure if he was unable or unwilling to tell him.
"Dismissed." He waited till the doors closed behind the
man, then opened the box.
The statue of Saraswati lay
cradled in a pile of packing material. A
hand-written note said, "I can't accept this."
Kirk picked up the figurine,
wanting nothing more than to throw it with all his might against the wall. Seeing it break into tiny pieces would feel
good. He stood up. Forcing her to take it--to take back the future
she'd traded him for--would feel even better.
He was out of his office and
halfway down the hall to the exit before he realized that he had no idea where
Chris lived.
"Damn." He turned and headed back to his office,
wasting several minutes fumbling with the personnel records that contained
private data. He finally found her
address and saw that she did indeed live very close to where he did.
"One thing you weren't
lying about," he muttered, as he set out again.
The walk through the early
morning darkness passed in a blur. He
was at her door and ringing for entrance before he'd thought of what he was
going to say.
He had to ring several more
times before the door opened. She stood
in front of him, eyes red and expression wary.
"Admiral?"
"Can I come in?"
He thought he saw anger flare
in her eyes, as she said, "I don't think that's a good idea."
He let his own fury
show. "Oh, I think it is."
"What's the point,
Jim? What are we going to
solve?" She started to turn away.
His hand shot out, catching
her sleeve and yanking her back to face him, he slapped the statue into her
hand. "I said it was yours."
"I can't accept
it." She tried to hand it
back.
He refused to reach for it
and she exhaled loudly, a sound of pure frustration. Obviously unwilling to damage the statue, she
set it at his feet. He kicked it past
her, into her apartment.
"Damn you! I don't want it." She hurried over to where the statue had hit
the wall. There was a long crack running
down the middle, and she ran her finger along it slowly.
He followed her in. "Just like you suddenly don't want to be
on the Enterprise?"
She turned to him in
shock. "How--"
"--Decker called
me."
"Oh." She seemed about to say something, then her
shoulders slumped and she turned and walked into the next room.
He followed her.
"Go away, Jim."
He felt his rage subside
slightly, twist into something more complicated. He stalked over to where she stood looking
out her window. Standing behind her, his
chest touching her back, he said in a low, controlled voice. "Did it mean anything to you?"
She tried to turn and he
grabbed her arms, holding her in place against him. She fought him and was stronger than he
expected, but not strong enough to break away.
"Answer me," he
said, as he let go of her right arm only to loop his arm around her, his hand
caressing her throat.
She gasped in surprise.
"I said--" He didn't have to finish.
"--It meant
everything."
"Liar." He pushed his face into her hair, tightened
his hold on her. She struggled, tried to
turn again as he whispered, "Meant nothing."
"Jim," she cried
out, her breath was raspy. "Please.
You're hurting me."
Her words didn't make sense
at first. Then he realized that he was
no longer caressing her throat, was in fact squeezing it. He jerked his hand away, taking a step back
from her, then another. He held his hand
up, studying it as if he wasn't sure it was his.
She turned on him. "You bastard!" She tried to hit him and he caught her
hand. "Damn you!" She raised her other hand but he captured
that one too.
She was breathing heavily,
tears in her eyes. He saw red marks at
her throat, realized they were from his fingers.
"Chris," he said,
as he let go of her and reached out to trace the angry evidence of his lack of
control.
The punch she landed on his
jaw took him by surprise. He was on his
backside before he realized she had hit him.
"Shit," she said,
as she cradled her hand.
He looked up at her and began
to laugh.
She didn't join in. Glaring at him, she reached down with her
good hand to help him up.
He jerked her hand and as she
landed hard beside him, he rolled her to her back and pinned her, his chest
pressing on hers as he stared at her.
"I hate you," he said softly.
"I hate you too,"
she answered, pushing at him with her right hand then wincing in pain.
"I hate you more
though." He reached for her
hair. He barely had to pull it toward
him before her mouth was on his, her arms coming up around him.
"Goddamn statue is
yours," he mumbled, as she pushed him to his back and followed him down,
her kisses becoming more crazed. He
didn't try to stop himself from pulling her to him, from kissing her back.
"Hate you," she
replied, as she pulled away, staring at him hard. He felt something hit his cheek and realized
she was crying. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she said brokenly as she
pulled away from him. Crawling slowly to
the window, she grabbed the ledge and pulled herself up with her good
hand. Her movements were awkward,
tired. She turned and leaned her
forehead against the window.
Pushing himself up, he walked
over to her and let his arms close around her again. As his lips touched her neck, he said softly,
"Let's try this again, shall we, Chris?"
"Hate you," she
said as she leaned her back into his chest and cocked her head to give him
better access to her skin.
"Yes, I know." His hands roamed the front of her, stroking
her gently, then not so gently.
She moaned and, feeling
himself respond, he pushed against her harder with his body.
"Love you," she
whispered.
"Say that again."
She tried to turn. He wouldn't let her. His tongue found her neck, her ear, her
jaw. Her breathing was harsh, her body
pressed firmly against his. "Say it
again," he urged.
"I love you," she
said with a sob, finding strength that surprised him and pulling away from him
long enough to turn to face him. "I
love you," she repeated as she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him
frantically.
He pulled her into the hall;
saw two closed doors ahead of him.
"Which one is the bedroom?"
She pointed to the right one
and he dragged her to it. She didn't
resist as he pushed her down and pulled off her clothes. Still dressed, he lay down next to her. "Say it again," he said, his
fingers touching her in ways that made her moan loudly.
"I love you," she
said, as his lips claimed hers. He
kissed her hard, his tongue sparring with hers even as his touches inflamed
her. Her cries were smothered in the
kiss they shared as her body bucked against him.
He stroked her gently and
felt her shudder. He switched to short,
sweet kisses, allowing her to finally catch her breath. "Say it again, Chris," he said as
he felt her hands trying to pull off his clothes. He helped her undress him, then moved on top
of her.
"I love you," she
whispered again, her body tight around him.
"Love you," she repeated even as he began to move hard against
her. She didn't stop saying it until he
lay still on top of her.
They didn't move for a long
time, both breathing hard. Her arms held
him tightly against her and he tried to shift, sure that he was hurting
her. She pulled more firmly, wincing as
her injured hand protested. "Stay
with me," she said as she buried her face in his neck. "Don't leave."
He gently disengaged her
hands, trying not to hurt her. He heard
her sob softly as he pulled away from her and rolled off her and then off the
bed. He walked into the bathroom and
shut the door. Leaning on the counter,
he stared at himself in the mirror for a long time. Finally, he straightened and took a deep
breath. Then he began to dig through the
drawers until he found a regenerator.
When he opened the door and
walked out again, she was on her side, facing away from him. From the way her back was shaking, he could
tell that she was crying. Hard. And silently.
"Chris," he said
softly as he sat on the bed.
She didn't react.
He reached over and pulled
her to her back. Her face was flushed
and wet from her tears, her eyes puffy as she looked at him dully.
He turned on the regenerator
and began to work on her hand, talking as he did. "I'm going to get the ship, Chris. I'm going to take it back. I have a meeting with Nogura in a few
hours. Then she'll be mine again."
Her eyes narrowed.
He began to heal the marks on
her neck. "Get up there. Now.
Call Decker and tell him you've changed your mind."
She shook her head slowly.
He turned the machine off,
then got up and walked into the living room.
Picking up the figurine, he carried her back to the bedroom. "If only she could be fixed as easily." He handed the statue to her. "She's yours."
She stared at him.
"I'm calling McCoy in
too. He'll be the CMO, not you. But that's better. In the long run."
She clearly didn't
understand.
He walked to her closet. Found a uniform and threw it at her. "Get up to the ship. Wait for me."
"But Decker?"
"It's not his ship,
Chris."
She fingered the
uniform. "Why should I? What if I tell him?"
"You won't tell
him," he said as he sat down next to her again. "You love me."
"You want me up
there?"
He nodded.
"With you?"
He nodded again.
"Why?"
He gave her a feral
grin. "Why do you think?" Then he kissed her hard. "Call Decker. He'll be thrilled to have you back on the
team."
She looked unsure.
He leaned in and kissed her
again. "Chris, I need you there
with me."
She closed her eyes.
"You'll do it?"
She nodded. Satisfied, he walked out into the early
morning light.
----------------------------
Chapel looked around sickbay,
still trying to get her bearings. Decker
hadn't been kidding when he'd said the entire ship had been refitted. There was little left that was familiar in
the rooms she had worked in for three years.
And now McCoy was
coming. She sighed, trying to reconcile
her irritation at being supplanted with the profound sense of relief she felt
knowing that her former boss would again be running things. She slid her hand down the biobed, then
turned to examine a new scope. Her
former boss, her former captain. The
only thing missing was her former unrequited love. Everyone else was here. Uhura, Sulu, Scotty, Chekov, even Rand was
back in her new role as transporter chief.
She heard the doors to
sickbay open, an angry voice called out her name. "Christine?"
"Will?" She had never seen Decker so angry. So it had happened. Kirk was here. And he'd taken the ship. Just as he said he would. Her heart went out to her friend, even as a
more primitive part of her reacted to the news that Jim was again within reach.
"I can't believe
this!" Decker paced as he
spoke. "He took her away,
Christine. I can't believe he just took
her away."
Chapel felt a surge of guilt
fill her, as she looked at Decker in feigned incomprehension. "Who did, Captain?"
"Your friend. Kirk."
A fist on the counter accompanied the name. "That's who." He looked at her helplessly. "And it's commander now. I've been demoted."
Chapel knew she couldn't tell
him that she'd soon be losing her position too, although she suddenly wanted
to. For a moment, she wondered if she
was making a mistake throwing her loyalty so firmly in Kirk's camp. "I'm sorry, Will. I don't know what to say."
Any answer he was going to
make was cut off by the intercom.
"Emergency in transporter room.
Emergency in transporter room," the mechanical voice intoned. Decker took off as she stopped to grab some
instruments. As she was about to follow
him out, she heard Rand's voice say, "Transporter room to sickbay, stand
down." Rand's voice broke. "There's nothing you can do."
Chapel hit the comm. "Janice, what's happening there?"
There was a long pause, then
Rand's voice whispered. "The transporter
malfunctioned during beam in. They were
caught in the buffer. They formed before
they should have."
"I'll be right
there."
"No. They aren't here. The transporter failed before they
finished. They ended up...they ended up
back at Starfleet."
"Oh, god, Jan, I'm
sorry." Chapel closed her eyes for a moment as a vision of melted and
twisted flesh assailed her. If it's
haunting me, she thought, imagine what it's doing to Janice.
"Can I help, Jan?"
"No. It's all right." She fell silent for a long moment, then in a
breathless rush, Rand said, "He was here, Chris. The captain was here. It made it better somehow. Like it wasn't all on me, you know? Just having him here..."
Chapel wasn't sure what to
say.
There was a pause. "I better go. Rand out."
It suddenly occurred to
Chapel that her friend might be less than thrilled to hear about her new
relationship with Jim. Why hadn't I
thought of that? Chapel wondered. Then
she laughed softly. She hadn't thought
about it because she couldn't think about much of anything when Jim was near
her. Was that healthy? She saw her reflection in the window to her
new office. She looked strong,
secure. Not easily swayed against her
will.
He'd told her to come and
she'd been ready to argue. Then he'd
asked her to come and she'd found that she couldn't say no. It frightened her a bit, the way she felt
about him. The way he made her feel
about the two of them. He was
ruthless. He'd use her if he had
to. Then she remembered his face as he'd
handed the little figurine of Saraswati back to her, as he'd run the
regenerator over the marks that he'd left on her throat and on the hand she'd
hurt punching him. His expression had
been soft and kind...loving. She felt a
frisson of tenderness and desire shoot through her, landing finally in the pit
of her stomach.
"Kirk to Chapel,"
the comm sounded from her desk.
She walked to the CMO's
office and hit the comm. "Chapel
here."
She could hear his
smile. "I'd like to talk to you,
Doctor."
"You know where to find
me." She tried to keep her voice at
its most professional.
"My quarters,
Doctor."
"Now?"
"Actually five minutes
ago would be better."
"I'll be right
there." She walked out of her
office briskly, calling out. "I'll
be back, Sanchez. Have a meeting."
The head nurse nodded and
continued with the calibrations she was doing on one of the medical
sensors.
Chapel hurried to the
lift. "Deck five," she told
it. And step on it, she almost added,
resisting the urge to laugh. When she
arrived at the right floor, she hurried down the hall, rang the chime
impatiently.
"Come," his voice
sounded through the intercom. A wicked
smile on her face, she stepped inside.
He was sitting at his table,
a pile of padds in front of him. "Come
here," he said without looking up.
She walked over to him. As she got within reach, he dropped the padd
he was reading and grabbed her, pulling her onto his lap. Laughing, he pulled her face down to his. "I've missed you, Doctor," he said
just before he kissed her.
She gave herself up to his
kisses. It was a long time before they
pulled away from each other.
"I've missed you too,
Admiral."
"Captain." At her look, he grinned. "I couldn't demote just Will, now could
I?"
"He's really
upset."
His jaw set. "He'll get over it."
"Would you?"
"He's not me,
Chris. Or haven't you figured that out
yet?" His hands began to roam over
her body.
She leaned in and kissed
him. "I know he's not you. But he's still a good man."
He pushed her up and off his
lap.
She stared at him. "You're kidding? I don't agree with you and suddenly you don't
want me?" She shook her head as he
glared at her. She could feel her mouth
set in a mean line as she turned away.
Over her shoulder she said in the most mocking voice she could muster,
"Remember thou art mortal, my liege."
She was halfway to the door
when he caught up with her. His hand on
her arm pulled her back to him and he kissed her savagely. "You think I don't know I'm a damn
mortal, Chris?" He pushed her
toward the bed. "I wake up every
day and wonder how long I have and what I'm doing with that time. I don't want to wake up one day and wonder
when I stopped living my life and let it live me." His kisses were rough as he pulled her
uniform off.
She pulled away then shoved
him to his back. As he lay there,
breathing hard and glaring at her, she smiled.
"You feel guilty."
He looked away. "I did what I had to do."
She began to remove his
uniform. "That doesn't make it
easier. You stole this ship from
him."
He touched her face. "I know.
I'd do it again in a second, too."
As he pushed her down and moved over her, his face was tortured. "Doesn't make it easier."
She pulled him down to
her. "It's done now," she
said.
They didn't talk for some
time. Just held each other, making small
noises, and sometimes louder ones. She
lay back and closed her eyes.
He stroked her face. "You're exhausted."
She nodded. "Didn't get much sleep the last few
days."
He nodded in understanding. "Sleep here for a while."
She pushed up and slid off of
the bed. "I can't. I have things to do. So do you." As she pulled on her uniform, she stared at
him. "I do love you, Jim."
His mouth turned up in a
small smile. "Even when you don't
agree with me?"
She nodded. "Even then." She turned away, trying not to feel the sting
when he didn't say he loved her too.
Trying and failing.
"Chris?"
"Hmm," she said as
she pulled on her boots.
"Why'd you come?"
She looked up. "What do you mean?"
"Along. On the ship.
With me. Why?"
"Because you need
me." She looked down. "Because I need you." Shrugging, she turned for the door. "Because I'm a total idiot?"
He climbed off the bed and
pulled her back into his arms. "I
know you're not that."
She kissed him. "Maybe we both are?"
He shook his head, kissing
her again before pulling his uniform back on.
"I'll see you at 0400?"
She nodded and fixed her
hair, was about to walk out when he said, "Wait a sec."
He gathered some hair that
had fallen down onto her neck and caught it up in the clip. She smiled, touched by the act. Laughing, he pulled her into a quick hug. "I'm glad you're here."
She hugged him back, then
pulled away. "I'll see you in the
recreation lounge, Jim."
He nodded. She couldn't resist turning to look at him as
she walked out. He was staring at her, a
half smile playing at his lips. She grinned
and he lifted a hand. Feeling the urge
to rush back in, Chapel forced herself to keep moving in the direction of the
lift. It took her a long time to settle
back down to work when she got back to sickbay.
--------------------------
Kirk watched Chris leave then
walked over to the viewscreen. As he
stared out at the stars streaming by, he played over this latest encounter with
her. In truth, he had only intended to
say hello, to share a few kisses and then go back to work. But as usual, interacting with her rarely
went by his script. He grinned. He liked that. A lot.
He felt alive when he was with her.
Not a turn of events he'd expected or even particularly wanted when
their relationship had begun, but one that he was quickly finding addictive.
He frowned. Addictive wasn't the right word, implying too
much that was negative, unhealthy. And
she was healthy for him. Kept him
honest...and grounded, even out here among the stars.
He put his hand on the walls
beside the viewscreen, sensing the slight vibration of the ship. It was the best feeling in the world. The feel of his ship. _His_ ship.
He took a deep breath. His
ship...his home. And one he didn't know
very well. Getting turned around in the
corridors had rankled him. He turned
back to the table, picked up the padds and started to study the design
modifications. It wouldn't happen again.
----------------------------
Just before 0400, Chapel
followed the rest of the medical staff out to the recreation deck and saw Sulu
motion for her to join the other department heads on the podium. She took her place on the far side, unwilling
to admit that she chose it because it would afford her the best view of Kirk
when he came in. She watched the video
of the approaching cloud, then felt a surge of excitement as Jim walked in. He looked back at the screen, his gaze
traveling down and over her briefly as he faced front. As their eyes met, she had to hide a
smile. His flickered for a moment, the
set determination giving way to something softer, then he looked past her. He started to explain the situation but a
comm from Epsilon 9 cut in. The entire
crew watched in horror as the station was destroyed. She looked at Kirk as he struggled with what
he had seen, with the enormity of it.
And he conquered whatever demons he felt, because his voice was firm as
he said, "Pre-launch countdown will commence in 40 minutes," before
striding off the platform.
As she trailed behind the
others, Chapel saw that Uhura was waiting for her. She hurried to the other woman, who reached
out and touched her on the arm as she said, "It'll be okay. He's here."
Chapel nodded as she walked
the short way to the lift and watched Uhura take the first one to the
bridge.
"It's just like old
times, isn't it?" Rand said behind her.
"All of us, together again."
Then she looked down. "I'm
sorry, Chris. I guess not all."
It took Chapel a moment to
figure out who she meant. "No, not
all."
"Do you think he'll
come? When he knows, I mean?"
Chapel's voice was hard. "He won't care. He's at Gol, Jan. Or hadn't you heard?" She turned and headed down the corridor to
medical.
"I'm sorry, Chris. I wasn't thinking," Rand called out
after her.
Chapel held up a hand and
kept moving. The idea of Spock possibly
returning upset her on a number of levels.
But it was foolish to allow herself to get worked up about it. He wasn't coming back. She had enough to worry about without adding
that in too.
She walked to her office in
sickbay. She hadn't bothered to unpack
when she'd arrived, knowing that she'd be moving to the smaller deputy's office
in a few hours. There had been enough to
do that it hadn't looked odd. Now, with
McCoy's arrival imminent, she had the sudden urge to make her space look homey,
lived in, as if he she hadn't just arrived too.
She moved her cartons and pulled open the first one, carefully removing
the little goddesses. The Saraswati was
at the bottom. She picked it up gently,
holding the sandalwood to her nose. The scent
of the old wood had mostly faded but she could still pick up a slight hint of
it. She put it on the bookshelf with the
others and sat down at her desk, calling up the schematics of the new sickbay
so she could familiarize herself with the less obvious changes.
"If you aren't a sight
for sore eyes," she heard from the doorway.
Looking up, her eyes met the
sparkling blue ones of a bearded and casually dressed McCoy. She felt a surge of joy and jumped up to give
him a hug. "Len!"
His arms were strong around
her. "Chris! Doctor Chapel, I mean." He grinned proudly at her. "Told Jim I didn't need a damn doctor,
needed a top nurse." He
laughed. "You've done good,
kiddo."
She nodded, trying not to
think that she would have done better if she were still CMO.
He seemed to read her
mind. "Sorry about taking your spot
here. You know it wasn't my idea?"
She fingered the copper
medallion he wore around his neck.
"I'm guessing not. What is
this?"
He grinned. "Token of esteem from a former lady
friend of mine."
"And this?" She tugged on his beard.
"Damn inhibitor makes my
face itch."
"And this
doesn't?" She laughed.
There was a subtle shift in
the hum of the engines and she smiled.
"We're on our way," she said.
He's really done it.
"On our way to meet
oblivion, from the look of it," McCoy noted. "Hell of a thing to get called back
for." He leaned against the
wall. "But if I'm going to die, I
can't think of better company to be in."
She grinned.
"You look good,
Chris."
"Medical school agreed
with me, I guess."
He cocked his head, studied
her. "More than that. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were
in love. Spock come aboard and somebody
forget to tell me?"
She could feel her smile
fade. "That wasn't very
nice."
He frowned. "It was a joke." He saw she was serious. "Sorry."
She shrugged. "You'd think he was the only man in the universe
the way people act about it. Or that I
never accomplished another thing in my career other than being in love with
him." She turned back to her
terminal. "Better get cleaned up,
Doctor. You're hardly regulation."
"Christine--"
"--Forget it. Just go get cleaned up."
He stood there a moment
longer, then she heard him turn and walk out.
She tried to let go of her anger, tried to study the plans for a while
longer. Finally she gave up and leaned
back in her chair. Would it always come
back to Spock? Couldn't they ever let
that go? She had, why wouldn't they?
She sighed and turned to the
crew complement, intent on learning of any medical idiosyncrasies long before
an actual crisis occurred. Some time
later, she got up and stretched, moving back into main sickbay to check the
equipment. McCoy, neatly shaved and in
uniform, walked in, muttering to himself.
"Something wrong?"
she asked.
He motioned her into his
office. "He's obsessed."
"Who?" she asked,
even though she had a good idea who he was talking about.
"Jim." He looked at her. "Have you seen him since he came
aboard?"
She decided not to lie. "In his quarters. And at the crew briefing."
McCoy shook his head. "He wants the ship. He won't stop till he gets her, either. This emergency is just an excuse."
She didn't say anything.
"He could get us all
killed, Chris."
She looked down. Somehow,
deep in her heart, she didn't believe that.
I'm as bad as Jan, she thought.
Thinking that as long as he's in charge, everything will be all
right. She was about to answer when a
message came in to McCoy's desk from the bridge. "Spock's here," Uhura whispered.
Chapel looked at McCoy in
confusion.
"The shuttle! It's him.
Let's go say hello." He
hurried out toward the lift, and she followed close behind.
A sinking feeling came over
her. She thought of Kirk, how he must be
feeling. She knew how she was
feeling. Excitement, dread, and fear warred
within her. She schooled her features
into a happy smile. It was what everyone
would expect of her...to be thrilled to see the object of her affections.
She was the first off the
lift. "Mr. Spock!"
McCoy was right behind
her. "Well, so help me, I'm
actually pleased to see you."
Spock looked at them as if
they had interrupted a very important experiment. Not a trace of emotion showed in his
face. Chapel glanced at Kirk. He was staring at the Vulcan, wonder in his
expression. Then he looked over at
her. Took in her smile. His eyes narrowed.
Spock stared at them all
coldly for a long moment, then walked toward the lift.
Uhura said gently, "It's
how we all feel, Mr. Spock."
He ignored her. "Captain, with your permission I will
now discuss these fuel equations with the Engineer."
Chapel looked at Kirk. His face showed his disappointment as he
nodded permission. As Spock turned to
enter the lift, he said, "Mr. Spock.
Welcome aboard."
The Vulcan did not even turn
to acknowledge the sentiment as the lift doors closed. Kirk turned to McCoy and Chapel. His eyes were hurt as he shared a look with
them. Chapel swallowed and said,
"If you don't need me, sir?"
Kirk turned to her, shaking
his head, and she wondered just how big a question she had really asked.
McCoy did not come back with
her. She realized, with a pang, that
nothing had changed. He would be on the
bridge, while she waited down here in sickbay, not knowing what was going on,
not included in the action. And Spock
was back too. Emotionless or no, it was
still the three of them. United against
the world.
She was still in her office
when she sensed a presence at her door.
She looked up.
"It's just like I
dreamed." Kirk sat down in her
other chair and leaned his head against the wall.
She nodded. "I know."
"Only it's a
nightmare." He closed his eyes.
She turned to the viewscreen
in her office. "Privacy." The door closed and the screens went black to
those outside, although she could still see out. She saw McCoy narrow his eyes as he walked by
but he didn't disturb her.
"He came back,
Jim."
"For what? Not for me." He touched her cheek. "Not for you."
She didn't look away from the
raw pain in his face. "I don't know
why he came back. He has his own reasons
for doing things. Hasn't he
always?"
He finally looked down,
nodded in defeat.
She took his hand in hers and
gave it a gentle squeeze. "It's the
Kohlinahr. In time...maybe."
He shook his head. "And we just wait?" He pulled her to him, kissing her
tenderly. "He left us behind. Let him wait for us."
She nodded and held him for a
long moment. Then watched him get up
slowly. Smiling grimly, he stroked her
cheek then left.
McCoy came out of his office
and watched Kirk walk out of sickbay, finally turning to her. "Everything okay?"
She nodded.
"He came to you to
talk?"
She felt an angry frustration
fill her. "Is that so hard to
believe?" She got up and brushed
past him, not caring that she knocked him slightly off balance. He grabbed for the door. "Christine, what's eating you? Why is everything I say wrong?"
She shook her head and went
into the pharmacy to check in the medicines.
He joined her.
"I'm sorry, Chris. I'm not exactly sure for what, but I am
sorry."
She turned to look at
him. "I know you are,
Len." She recognized that her
expression wasn't giving him any clues.
He sighed. "I'm going to grab some chow. You want some?"
"You go ahead. I'm not hungry." She went back to the inventory.
He stood for a long time
staring at her before finally leaving. She
felt tears threaten and wasn't sure why.
Work, she thought, bury yourself in it.
----------*****------------
Kirk found himself unable to
sit on the bridge for one more minute.
The urge to see Spock, to talk to him away from everyone else was too
strong to ignore. He stood, trying to
appear casual.
Decker looked over at him.
"I'm going to see how
they're doing in engineering. You have
the comm, Commander."
"Aye, sir."
Kirk stepped toward the lift.
Uhura was watching him and he shot her a
grin. She grinned back then returned to
monitoring her board.
Engineering was bustling and
Spock and Scotty were in the thick of the action. Kirk watched them for a moment, not trying
to hide the nostalgic grin.
A lieutenant stopped and
asked him, "Can I help you, sir?"
He shook his head. "Just came to watch the masters at
work." He indicated the lieutenant
should continue with his duties, then walked over to where the two men were working.
"This is a mite
irregular, Mister Spock. I'm not sure
Starfleet engineering will approve of us tinkering with their fuel cells this
way." Scott sounded far from
displeased at the thought.
"It is hardly our
concern that Starfleet engineering has not thought of this solution." Spock's voice was still the somber monotone
he'd used on the bridge.
"Aye, sir," Scotty
replied.
"How's it going?"
Kirk asked.
"It's a good thing
Mister Spock happened along, Captain," Scott said with a smile. "I doubt we'd have gotten the engines
anywhere close to where we are now.
We'll be fully operational, nay more than that even, in no time,
sir."
Kirk smiled. "It is a good thing you 'happened
along', Spock."
The Vulcan didn't react. Kirk waited for a moment, feeling
increasingly stupid. Scott shot him a
sympathetic look.
Kirk backed up a step. "Well.
I'll leave you to it. Let me know
when you're ready."
Scott nodded. Again Spock did not respond. Kirk stifled the sigh he felt beginning and
shot Scotty his most devil-may-care grin.
Then he spun on his heel and left engineering.
He tried not to give in to
the disappointment that filled him. It
would just take time, like Chris had said.
He suddenly wanted to see her and turned toward sickbay.
Her office was empty, but
McCoy looked up from his desk.
"Jim. This is a pleasant
surprise. To what do I owe this
visit?"
Kirk didn't try to make up an
excuse. "I need to talk to Doctor
Chapel."
McCoy frowned. "You sure I can't help you? One doctor's pretty much like the other
here."
Kirk smiled grimly. "I'm sure I need her, Bones."
"She's in her quarters,
I think. I told her to take a break. She
should be back anytime now. You want to wait?"
"I can't." Kirk turned to walk out.
"Is everything all
right, Jim?"
"Fine." He didn't look back as he walked out and to
the lift. "Deck five." When the doors opened, he walked past his quarters
and down the hall to hers. He rang the
chime but there was no answer. He rang
again, his hand resting against the entry panel, and was surprised when the
door opened. He realized that she must
have programmed it to allow him entry and was touched at the gesture.
He walked into the small
living room. She wasn't there, so he
continued to the bedroom. She was curled
up on the bed, still in her uniform, her hand thrown over her face. He sat down and gently moved her hand away. She sighed and he smiled. She looked so peaceful, so innocent. He touched her face gently, then pulled away,
intending to leave her alone to rest until he realized she was looking up at
him sleepily.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."
She didn't say anything, just
moved over a bit and patted the bed next to her. Just for a few minutes, he decided, checking
the chrono. She smiled gently as he lay
down beside her, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her to him.
She kissed him sleepily, the
gentle touch more comforting than arousing.
He kissed her back, then buried his face in her neck.
"What is it?"
He shook his head
slightly. "Later. Go back to sleep now."
"But--"
"--Shh. Sleep.
You need it." He felt her
relax against him. Her breathing slipped
easily back into the slow, deep rhythm of sleep. The sound of it relaxed him and he drifted
off slightly, hovering somewhere between true sleep and wakefulness until her
alarm beeped gently a quarter hour later.
She reached over and turned
it off. Looking down at him, she mussed
his hair gently. "This is
nice."
He nodded, closing his eyes
as her touch became firmer. "Feels
good." He felt her lips on his.
"That feels good too."
"It does. And we have no time to enjoy it," she
said regretfully.
"I'm enjoying
this." He ran his index finger down
her nose. "You don't think I only
want you for sex, do you?"
"No." She leaned
down and kissed him again. "But
maybe that's what I want you for?"
He laughed.
"Besides, you make
everything into sex."
He shot her a disbelieving
look.
She smiled. "I'm serious. Everything with you is about sex. This--" she kissed him. "And this--" she mimicked his
touching her nose. "Talking,
eating, walking, breathing. It's all sex
with you." She leaned in and
whispered, "And I love it."
"That's because you're
the same way," he whispered back, then pulled her down for a long,
passionate kiss. Then he pushed her away
and sat up. "And we both need to
get back to duty."
"Did something
happen? You looked so sad when you woke
me up."
He could feel his face
tighten. "I went to see Spock. In engineering."
"And it didn't go
well?"
"Go well? It didn't go anywhere. He didn't even acknowledge I was there."
She touched his hand. "I'm sorry, Jim."
"Doesn't
matter." He pulled her to him
again, kissed her hard. When he pulled
away, he saw that she didn't look convinced.
----------------------
"Medical team to the
bridge. Repeat, medical team to the bridge."
Chapel frowned at the urgency
in Uhura's voice and rose quickly, motioning for a medic to come with her. They hurried down the corridor to the
turbolift.
As the doors opened on the
bridge, Kirk looked up at her. Their
eyes locked for a moment, until Uhura turned and said, "Oh good. Christine, it's Chekov."
She looked over at him and
made a face at the obvious pain he felt.
Kneeling down, she said, "Medic," gesturing for the hypo.
"I can stop his
pain," the young Deltan that was sitting with Chekov said. She closed her eyes and Chekov suddenly
breathed easier and said, "Thank you."
For a second, Chapel wondered
why the Deltan had waited this long to help him when his pain was so obvious
but then she smiled and Chapel felt herself responding. So this was Ilia. Chapel had read her file, but she hadn't
expected the feelings the woman engendered in her. The power of pheromones, she thought, as she
began to spray Chekov's hand with the dermaplast.
"You're Doctor
Chapel?" Ilia asked in a whisper.
Chapel nodded. The Deltan gave her a tender smile. "You're a friend of Will's. He told me about you." She looked toward the exec, her look one of
both love and longing.
Chapel wasn't sure what to
say. She had the feeling Ilia was wooing
her, wanted her on her side. Decker had
mentioned that there was a woman in his past, one who he regretted leaving
behind. Chapel finally understood the
haunted look he occasionally wore.
Chapel glanced at her again, and Ilia just grinned and gracefully pushed
herself from the deck. She made her way
to her seat and Chapel found herself watching her. Then she realized everyone on the bridge
was. Except Spock. And Kirk.
She almost laughed in bitter amusement.
She helped Chekov up and led
him to the lift, listening to Kirk, Spock, and Decker as they discussed their
options. Decker was the voice of reason,
trying to make Kirk see the error of rushing in blindly. You wouldn't have lasted five minutes on his
Enterprise, Chapel thought to herself, as she watched Decker walk away in
frustration when Kirk ordered the ship into the cloud.
The doors closed but not
before she caught a view of the cloud in the viewscreen. It was amazing. Once in sickbay, she led Chekov to a
biobed. "Hop up. I know you're eager to get back, but I have
to make sure that a surface burn is the worst thing you're suffering
from."
He did as she asked and the
quick scan showed nothing else wrong.
McCoy walked out of his office, watching her work with an odd expression
on his face. She hadn't realized he was
back. Indicating Chekov could get down,
she turned to McCoy. "You should
get up to the bridge, Len. It's really
spectacular."
He smiled. "Don't mind if I do," he said. "Come on, Chekov. We've had enough lollygagging out of
you."
They filed out, leaving her
alone with the sickbay staff. She went
back to work, only to look up when McCoy came in again and told her what had
happened to Ilia. She felt an
immeasurable sadness when she heard about the murder of the young Deltan. And Decker...how much worse would this be for
him? He'd lost so much already.
"Intruder alert,
intruder alert," the intercom system sounded and McCoy ran out.
He was back a few minutes
later with Ilia in tow, Kirk and Spock filing in behind. Chapel felt a surge of hope that there had
been some mistake and Ilia was alive. Until she scanned the navigator and realized
that there was little left that was Deltan.
Decker came in and the probe
stared at him. Chapel saw an echo of the
look Ilia had given Decker on the bridge.
Maybe they could use that? As the
probe left with Decker, Chapel headed to Ilia's quarters. Using her accesses to enter the room, she
rummaged through the closet until she found a beaded headdress. Looking it up in the database, she saw that
its purpose was largely ceremonial, used in a Deltan mating ritual.
"Chapel to Decker."
His answer was
immediate. "A little busy here,
Doctor."
"Bring her to her
quarters. I've got something to show
you."
McCoy and Decker arrived with
the probe, and Chapel held out the headdress.
The probe frowned.
"I remember Lieutenant
Ilia once mentioning she wore that," Chapel lied.
The probe didn't move.
"Put it on," Chapel
ordered her, taking the beaded strands from her and settling it on her head the
way the images had shown it should be worn in the database. She turned Ilia toward the mirror.
"On Delta,
remember?" Decker said gently.
"Ilia?" Chapel
asked.
The probe looked at her, her
expression changed. "Doctor
Chapel."
Chapel hadn't expected the
woman to remember her from the brief encounter on the bridge.
The probe turned to
Decker. She reached for his face. "Will?"
"Ilia," he said,
satisfaction in his gaze.
McCoy stopped the
moment, "Commander. Commander.
This is a mechanism."
Decker seemed to come out of
a trance. He started to question Ilia,
asked her to help them against V'ger. It
seemed to be the old Ilia answering for a moment, then the probe took over,
pulling the headdress off and turning away.
Chapel watched them leave,
then headed back to sickbay. She wasn't
sure that they had accomplished anything, but perhaps any connection they
established with what was left of Ilia would help?
Her reverie was interrupted
by the abrupt arrival of Kirk and McCoy, an unconscious Spock between
them.
"What happened?"
she asked, fearing that Spock had also been turned into a probe.
"Went out there. Tried to meld with V'ger," Kirk gritted
as he laid Spock on the biobed. Ignoring
McCoy, he turned to her. "Help
him?"
"Of course," she
grabbed a neuroscanner and walked over to the bed where Spock lay unresponsive
although his eyes were open. Her heart
pounding, she held the scanner to his head and said, "Now scanning pons
area, spinal nerve fiber connection."
She watched the display as
McCoy speculated on what the mind meld could have done to Spock's brain. Looking down she saw the Vulcan's eyes
flicker and come to life.
Kirk saw it too. "Spock."
"Jim." Spock actually smiled. "I should have known."
"Were you right? About V'ger?"
He nodded. "A life form of its own. A conscious living entity."
"A living machine?"
she asked.
Kirk thought about that. "It considers the Enterprise a living
machine, that's why the probe refers to our ship as an entity."
"I saw V'ger's
planet. A planet populated by living machines. Unbelievable technology." Spock looked up at Kirk. "V'ger has knowledge that spans this
universe." His voice fell a bit,
and Kirk leaned in. "Yet with all
its pure logic, V'ger is barren, cold.
No mystery, no beauty, I should have known..." He trailed off, his eyes closed.
Kirk shook him gently.
"Known...known what, Spock? What
should you have known? What should
you've known?"
Spock's eyes opened and he
reached up grasping Kirk's arm. Then he
moved his hand down, clasping Kirk's hand in his own. "This simple feeling is beyond V'gers's
comprehension."
Kirk closed his hand over
Spock's, nodding slightly. Chapel felt
something catch in her throat.
Spock nodded back. "No meaning, no hope, Jim--" he
smiled again "-- no answers. It's
asking questions. Is this all that I
am? Is there nothing more?" He stared up at Kirk.
"Bridge to
captain."
"Kirk here."
As Uhura and Sulu updated him
on the situation, Chapel saw him turn to look at Spock. Even though he barely glanced at her, she
knew he wasn't talking to McCoy when he said, "I need Spock on the
bridge."
"Dalaphaline. Five cc's," she ordered the nurse.
She tried not to touch Spock
as she injected him. Silly to be worried
that he would find out what had gone on between Kirk and her. Especially silly now...she'd seen Kirk's face
as he touched Spock. This thing between
them wasn't over. Part of her wasn't
surprised. Part of her was jealous. But of which one?
"You can go as soon as
you're feeling strong enough," she said to Spock. "I'll get you a uniform."
"Thank you, nurse."
She looked down at him. "It's doctor now, Spock."
He considered that.
"Congratulations on attaining your degree, Doctor."
She just nodded and hurried
off to find him a uniform.
He dressed quickly and left
while she settled down to wait. A long
time. She saw a light shoot past the
window in McCoy's office. It streamed
past quickly, so terribly bright.
Scotty poked his head into
sickbay. "Lass?"
She turned.
"I think you might want
to come to the bridge."
She just looked at him.
"It's where we all
should be right now. We did it. He did it."
They did it, Chapel thought
sourly. The three of them. The two of them. Like always.
But she followed Scotty to the lift anyway. As the doors opened to the bridge she
hesitated, felt Kirk's eyes on her and looked up, finding it impossible to look
away until he turned and said, "Mister Scott, shall we give the Enterprise
a proper shakedown?"
"I would say it's time
for that, aye. We could have you back on
Vulcan in four days, Mister Spock?"
"Unnecessary, Mister
Scott," Spock replied and her heart sank.
He looked over at Kirk and said, "My task on Vulcan is
completed."
Kirk swiveled his chair, his
happiness apparent. "Mister Sulu,
ahead warp one."
"Heading, sir?" De
Falco asked.
"Out there,
thataway." And he smiled. That smile.
She knew he wasn't going anywhere.
With a sigh, she left the bridge.
She doubted he even noticed.
--------------
"Jim?"
Kirk slowed, surprised to see
Spock behind him. The expression on the
Vulcan's face was unguarded, warm. Kirk
felt himself responding. "Spock?"
"There is much I wish to
say." He looked down. "I left without warning."
"Without warning? Without reason."
"I had reason,
Jim."
Kirk felt his good mood
evaporate. "And what was that
reason, Spock?"
"It is a complex
question."
"Complex? What's so complex about it? You loved me too much? I loved you too much? What?"
He turned away. "I wasn't the
only one that loved you. You left us all
behind."
"I know." Spock reached out to touch his arm but the
look Kirk shot him made him drop his hand before he made contact. "I would like to think that I have not
lost your friendship."
Kirk shot him a tight
smile. "You haven't lost
that." He debated inviting Spock
into his quarters. Decided that was a
bad idea. "You're being here made
all the difference. You've saved us
again."
"As you saved me,
T'hy'la."
Kirk laughed, an explosion of
bitter air as he heard the endearment.
"I'd rather you didn't call me that."
"As you wish." Spock frowned. "I did not realize that you disliked
it."
Kirk shook his head. "I don't dislike it."
Spock's eyebrow rose, a
familiar expression that made Kirk smile.
"I've missed you, old
friend," he said, feeling a warm glow of nostalgia warring with the more
entrenched hurt and anger.
Spock nodded. "As I have you."
Kirk remembered the
emotionless rock of a man that had arrived on the Enterprise. "Somehow, I doubt that, Spock."
"I could show you?"
Kirk couldn't say he wasn't
tempted. But he just shook his head.
"Some other time?"
Spock pressed gently.
Kirk pursed his lips. Realized that he was standing at a crossroads
that he never thought he would have to see again. "It should have been so easy,
Spock. You and me. Together.
Forever. It should have been so
damn easy."
"I know, Jim."
Kirk sighed. "And it was. For a while.
The best of times." He
thought of Chris, the pain she had walked into willingly. "And the worst of times."
Spock waited.
"You're my best friend,
Spock, you know that?" He put his
hand on Spock's arm. Squeezed. "I'm glad you're back. Glad you're with me."
Spock nodded, appearing
unsure what to say.
Kirk gave him a tired
smile. "It's been a long
night. I'll see you in the
morning."
"Perhaps a game of chess
some night?"
"I'd like
that." Kirk knew his grin was
nostalgic again. "Very much."
"As would I." Spock stared at him for a long moment before
heading to his own quarters.
Kirk turned and palmed his
door open. Walking the few steps to the
bed, he sat down wearily. So much had
happened. In such a short time. It was mind boggling. The ship.
His crew. All of them. Together again.
He could feel the familiar
hum of the Enterprise beneath him and closed his eyes, reveling in the
sensation of his ship. His ship. He wasn't taking her back to spacedock. If Starfleet didn't want him in the center
seat, they'd damn well have to come out here and remove him personally. He grinned and opened his eyes, noticing for
the first time that his comm light was blinking.
He walked over to the desk,
engaged the terminal. There were a score
of congratulatory notes from the admiralty, several requests for interviews
from the Federation press, and a personal note from Chris. He opened it and saw that there was nothing
personal about it.
"I, Doctor Christine
Chapel, do hereby request transfer from my current assignment on the USS
Enterprise..."
He hit the comm switch. "Kirk to Chapel."
"Chapel here," she
answered immediately.
He had the feeling she'd been
waiting for the call. "Please come
to my quarters."
"You saw my
request?"
"Yes. That's why I want you to come to my
quarters."
"Jim, just approve
it."
"Doctor, I can make it
an order?"
There was a long
silence. "I'll be there in a few
minutes."
"You're just down the
hall, Chris. Be here sooner than
that." He clicked off the comm.
Her chime came almost
immediately. She entered his room stone
faced, her eyes and mouth carefully set into her most professional look.
"Sit down, Chris."
"I prefer to stand,
sir."
He sighed. "Have it your way." He got up and walked toward her. "So he shows up and you're gone?"
She didn't say anything, but
her jaw set into an even harder line.
"Just like that?"
She looked fixedly straight
ahead. The model of perfect Starfleet
posture.
"Chris. Talk to me."
She finally looked at
him. "What else do you expect? You think I can just ignore what's going
on? He comes back and it all starts up
again."
Kirk felt his own jaw
tighten. "This isn't about
him."
"It is and you know
it. It's always about him." She looked down.
At the same time that she
whispered, "I can't stay to watch this again," he said, "So you
just throw away what we have because you can't stand not having him?"
They looked at each other in
confusion.
"You don't want to leave
me?" Kirk asked her finally.
She shook her head. "You thought I was resigning because I
couldn't have him?"
He nodded. Then he let out a slow breath. "I thought you...and you thought
I..."
"And neither of us had
it right," she finished for him.
He walked over to the
terminal; hit the 'Disapproved' button on her transfer request. "You're not going anywhere,
Doctor."
As he stalked back to her,
she held up her hand. "But what
about Spock? I was there, Jim. Remember?
In sickbay. 'This simple
feeling'? What was that about?"
He pursed his lips, and shook
his head slowly. "I'm not
sure."
"Well, I think I
am." She stared at him stubbornly.
"And what about
you?" His voice rose in frustration
and he began to pace. "Mr.
Spock!" he used the words she had said when she first saw Spock on the
bridge, his voice was a mocking falsetto.
"What the hell was that?"
"I was glad to see
him."
"Yeah, that's all it
was."
She paced in the opposite
direction. "Well, if you must know,
on another level I was pretty upset that he was back. Maybe I was overcompensating?"
"That was joy, not
overcompensation."
"And the way you looked
at him in sickbay? You're telling me
that wasn't pure joy on your part that he was back, that he was yours
again?"
They stared angrily at each
other for a long moment. Finally Kirk
walked over to her. "We're arguing
about someone who isn't even here."
He reached out, pulled her to him.
She resisted. "He's just down the hall though, isn't
he?"
"Yes, in another
room. While we're here, together, in
this one. And alone. We usually don't have a problem figuring out
what to do when we're alone."
"Alone? How can we be alone when he's
here?" She sighed. "Not that he hasn't always been here
with us...between us. But then he was
only a memory that neither of us could have.
Now he's here, Jim. In the
flesh. Have you thought out what that
could mean for you?"
"Or for you?"
She shook her head. "That's not what I meant."
Taking a deep breath and
deciding that he was very tired of talking, Kirk moved closer to her. "I want you. I know that you want me." He saw her close her eyes as he took her hand. "What's the problem here,
Chris?"
"You're in love with
him," she whispered.
"So are you." He pulled her into a long, passionate
kiss. He could feel her still resisting
for the first few seconds. Then with a
groan, she wrapped her arms around him, began to kiss him back.
"Maybe we'll always love
him. Maybe we have no choice in
that. But we do have a choice right
now. Do we stay together and discover
what this is between us? Or do we throw
it all away and never find out?" He
kissed her again tenderly, then with more passion. "I want you...I love you," he said
as they pulled away from each other. Her
eyes widened and he smiled.
"Jim." She looked down. "This is going to be a problem. In so many ways. I don't think we were thinking."
He slowly slid her uniform
off. "There won't be a
problem. You and I are very good at
sex." He grinned as he eased her
down onto the bed.
"You know what I
mean."
"Later, Chris. Don't borrow trouble." He pulled his own uniform off. Turning her on her stomach he began to kiss
her neck, then her shoulders. He worked
his way down her back, paying special attention to any spot that made her groan
or tremble.
"Jim," she said,
her tone pleading.
"What do you
want?" He slowly pulled her up so
that she was on her hands and knees.
"You. Now."
He moved into her and heard
her moan in pleasure. "God, Chris,
so good," he said as he reached around and began to touch her.
She made some comment but the
words were unintelligible. Taking her
incoherence as a positive sign, he continued stroking her. She pushed back and he could feel her
clenching around him. It drove him wild
and he began to move in earnest until he felt his own release descending. He pulled her to him more firmly, calling out
her name as they both collapsed
He settled down at her
side. She didn't look at him. "Chris?" When she turned her head, he was surprised to
see tears. "What is it?"
"Why that way?"
He was confused.
"Why that way,
Jim?" She turned her face away.
"We've done it that way
before." He moved closer, nuzzled
her neck. "You've always liked
it."
"I wasn't feeling this
insecure before." She still didn't
look up. "Did you pretend it was
him?"
"I believe I could ask
you the same thing," he said gently, as he slowly ran his hand down her
back, felt her react to his touch.
"Whose name did I call out?"
"Mine," she mumbled
into the soft spread.
"Who am I touching
now?"
She didn't answer.
"Turn over."
"It's okay. Just forget it."
"Turn over, Chris."
She did as he said.
"I was making love to
you."
Her nod was unconvinced.
"To _you_." He kissed her, slowly and deeply. It took her a long time to respond. He sighed and leaned back, studying her
face. "His being back is unexpected."
She nodded. He waited, watching her face, as she seemed
to struggle with something. Finally, she
whispered, "If you want to forget this...forget us..."
He realized she was
serious. Considering the offer, he
thought about the encounter with Spock in the corridor. "I won't deny that it feels good to have
him back on my ship...at--"
"--at your side?" she
finished for him.
He nodded.
"In your bed?"
"He's not in my bed,
Chris. You are."
"Now. But I replaced him, didn't I?"
This was territory she hadn't
wanted to go before. He hesitated.
"I didn't want to know
the truth before," she whispered. "Now I do."
He nodded. "We were lovers. I loved him.
In all the ways that are important." Turning away from her, he stared up at the
ceiling. "When he left me...my
world ended."
She didn't say anything for a
long time. "I should have asked
before. I should have let you talk about
it. You needed to talk about it. But I didn't want to know. Even though I already knew." She rolled to her stomach; propped herself up
on her elbows and stared down at him.
"Do you want to know the real reason I took Decker up on his
offer?"
He turned his head, studied
her. "Yes. I do."
"I wasn't going to. Not at first, when he initially told me about
the position. I didn't think I wanted to
go back out into space. And you and
I...we were having so much fun. Until
you gave me Saraswati. That day...what I
felt for you was so strong it scared me.
Because I was sure that I was the only one feeling those things...that
what was happening between us would end.
You'd leave me. And I'd be
alone. Again. And I'd be heartbroken. Because I was already falling in love with
you. So I guess I decided a preemptive
strike was in order." She looked
away.
"Because in our
paradigm, people leave."
She nodded. "Or they're not who we thought they
were."
He sighed. "The day you showed me David, was the
day I realized something more was going on."
"You didn't say
anything."
"I didn't want to. I was scared too. Spooked as hell, in fact. I'd lost everything I'd ever cared about,
Chris. And here was this new
person--" he reached up and ran his finger over her lips "--the last
person I would have guessed--"
"--or picked," she
offered wryly.
He nodded. "Or picked. And she was changing my life. Making it brighter. Making me have hope again. Making me forget."
"And then I betrayed
you."
"And then you betrayed
me." He pulled her into his
arms. "What made you send the
statue back?"
"Every time I looked at
it, I saw you. I remembered what we
did...what we had. It was killing
me." She ran her fingers over his
chest in light, glancing touches that made him shiver wherever they set
down. He groaned softly.
"And the ship?"
"Taking the
position...it suddenly seemed so empty.
I'd lost you. I knew that. But I didn't want to leave you. It just seemed wrong."
"And now?"
"It's not wrong. But this may be." Her fingers stopped moving.
He pulled her closer, until
she was laying half on top of him.
"Why?"
"Spock. The others.
Our roles here." She tried
to push away from him but he held her fast.
"We don't make sense. On
Earth, maybe. But not here."
He looked at her, genuinely
puzzled. "So we just throw away the
chance for real love because the relationship is going to be a bit
problematic?"
"A bit
problematic?" She laughed
bitterly. "Do you know what our
friends are going to say? Do you know
what _he's_ going to say?"
"Actually, no. Do you?"
"I can guess. If we go public with this."
"If? I'm not going to hide this, Chris. We'll behave, of course, in public. But if this works, it works in the open. In the light of day."
She grinned suddenly. "There's no day in space."
"A figure of
speech," he said as he stroked her cheek.
"You know what I mean."
"I do." Her expression was tender. "But I mean it, Jim. If you want him back. I'll step aside."
He frowned. "I'm not sure I'd step aside if you
wanted to be with him."
She looked surprised. "Really?"
He shook his head. Running his finger along her jaw, then
turning her face so she had to meet his gaze fully, he said, "There seem
to be two Christine Chapel's in here."
He touched her forehead.
"The one that runs, and the one that fights. I don't think the fighter gets to come out
and play very much, does she?"
She shook her head.
"Let her out,
Chris. Fight for this." His hand tightened on her hair. "Fight for me."
She suddenly pulled his face
to hers, kissed him roughly. Her eyes
were a bit wild when she pulled away and said, "I love you."
"Then show me how
much," he answered as he grabbed her hand and dragged it down to touch
him. "See how much I want
you."
Her hand tightening around
him made him moan. She shifted to
straddle him, and he watched her, never taking his eyes from hers as she rode
him. She stared back at him, her look
one of pure desire. Suddenly she arched,
her head thrown back, a wild cry coming from her throat. The sound sent him over the edge and he
clutched at her.
She fell lightly on top of
him. Her breathing was heavier than
normal, her heart beating fast against his chest. Her lips met his and he rolled so they were
both lying on their sides. Looping his
leg over hers and wrapping his arm around her waist, he pulled her tightly
against him.
She sighed. "I love you. I don't want to leave you."
"Then don't. It'll work, Chris. We'll make it work," he whispered as
their kisses turned sleepy. "I love
you."
He pulled the cover over them
and they fell asleep, still entwined, his lips resting on her forehead, her
hand lying gently on his chest.
----------**-------------------
Chapel woke slowly and opened
her eyes. For a moment she didn't know
where she was, then she felt the reassuring hum of the ship's engines and felt
Kirk's chest pressed against her back, his arm wrapped around her. Shifting a little, she felt his grip on her
tighten. She smiled, pushing back
against him slightly and moved her hips slowly.
"Good morning,
Doctor." His voice was soft in her
ear. "You seemed to have woken up
in a good mood."
He shifted her slightly so
that he could move into her. His hand
caressed the front of her, roaming from her chest to areas much lower and more
sensitive. His lips fastened on her neck
and he sucked gently, then more forcefully.
"Marking me?"
He let go of her and she
wondered if he had even been aware of what he was doing. She felt him kiss the bruised spot. "Probably. Sorry."
She didn't think he sounded
sorry at all, and knew he wasn't when he moved to another spot on her shoulder
and sucked at the skin more forcefully.
As he continued to move against her, she shifted her hips back to meet
his. Their rhythm and his touch sending
her quickly over the edge, she felt him stop and wait as she slowly came
down.
She began to rub against him
again and he didn't move, just let her control the timing. She heard him groan, then his lips found her
neck again and bit down slightly. His
arm clutched around her ribs as he cried out.
As his breathing returned to
normal, he let go of her and touched the marks he'd put on her neck and
shoulder. She hissed in pain as his
mouth found the one on her neck and sucked again.
"Sorry," he said,
and this time he did sound contrite.
"Do you have a
regenerator?"
He chuckled. "Actually I do. I planned ahead." His tongue licked against the bruised
skin. "We seem to need it a
lot."
"Does that bother
you?"
"Does it bother
you?" He turned her gently, kissed
her on the mouth. "You seem to be
the one needing it most of the time."
"That could change. And I can't blame the hand on you." She looked down, embarrassed. "I've never punched anyone before."
"Really?" His grin was admiring. "You're a natural then. Hell of a right hook."
She laughed. "I'll remember that when the intramurals
come up and the boxing team is looking for their next star."
He ran his hand down her
face. "I'd rather you didn't. I like the way these features line up
now."
She smiled. "So only you get to mark me?"
He nodded. Something primitive glinted in his eyes. Something even more primitive in her
responded.
"I love you, Jim."
"Love you," he
replied, kissing her gently. He reached
over to the side of the bed and opened one of the built-in drawers. As he pulled the regenerator out, he smiled
sheepishly. "Would it shock you if
I told you I'd rather not heal them?
That I'd like to see them on you."
"No, it wouldn't shock
me. Nothing about us shocks
me." She pulled his face to hers,
took his lip between her teeth and felt him shudder slightly. She let go and he kissed her hard.
"So I don't have to heal
them?" His grin was unrepentant.
"I didn't say
that." She pointed at her neck and
he turned the machine on, contrarily going to work on the spot on her
shoulder. She grinned and saw his
answering smile. Stubborn. Both of them.
"Next time, I'll have to mark you up," she said softly.
"Yes. You will." He grinned but didn't look away from his
task.
"You bring out the worst
in me, Jim."
"I'd argue that worst
and best could be interchanged in this instance."
"And I know better than
to argue with you."
He laughed out loud. "That's a lie." He turned to look at her. "You argue with me all the time."
She grinned. "Not all the time. Some of the time."
"I rest my
case."
"I think I bring out the
worst in you, too."
He nodded, moving on to her
neck with the regenerator. "It's
entirely possible." He gave her a
quick kiss.
"Is that healthy?"
He shrugged. "We're passionate people,
Chris." He looked at her. "Does it scare you?"
She nodded.
"Why?"
"Doesn't it scare
you?"
He turned off the machine,
touched her shoulder where he had bruised her.
"Scares the hell out of me, if you must know."
"Me too." She watched as he put the regenerator away.
Lying back, he pulled her
into his arms. As she settled her head
on his shoulder, he kissed her forehead.
"It's not all there is
though. There's more to us than just the
wildness." As he spoke, he pulled
her closer.
"I know. I think that's what really scares
me." She looked up at him. "The wild is easy. Love isn't."
He met her eyes, nodded. "I know."
"Especially not when my
rival--"
"--and mine..."
She smiled. "And yours, is just down the hall."
"And I'm sure he's very
happy there," Kirk said as he turned to check the chrono.
"It's later than we
think, isn't it?" she asked as she pulled out of his arms and slid off the
bed. "Can I use your shower?"
He nodded. "Alone or with company?"
She smiled. "I might get lonely alone."
He got up quickly. "Can't have that." As he followed her into the bathroom, he
said, "Unfortunately, we don't have much time."
She adjusted the spray and
stepped in, waiting for him to follow and close the door. She squeezed out some shampoo and spread it
through her hair, then through his, massaging his head firmly as she
distributed the lather.
"Damn. You're hired as a geisha." He practically purred as she touched him.
She turned him and handed him
the soap. "Your turn," she
said with a grin.
He seemed to be having
trouble sticking to just getting her clean.
"Jim," she said warningly.
He laughed and gave her a
smart smack on the rear. "It's your
own fault for tempting me with that massage.
Rinse off," he ordered as he began to run the soap over his own
body.
She watched him for a second.
"Rinse off, Doctor. That's an order." His grin was very evil.
"It's going to be a long
day," she said, turning away and letting the water pour over her.
"Yes. It is," he agreed as he pushed her back
and commandeered the water for himself.
She put her arms around him
and kissed him quickly, turning him so that he was out of the water and she was
getting the bulk of it.
"Even the shower is an
argument," he said with a smile as he turned off the water. "I think maybe we should do this alone
the next time we're running late," he said as he pushed her up against the
wall, kissing her very thoroughly before finally letting her go and stepping
out of the shower.
"Probably a good
idea," she said, following him out and accepting the towel he handed
her. "So do we have orders from
Starfleet yet?"
He looked out at his comm
light, which was blinking again.
"Either that or I'm being court-martialed for running off with
their ship."
"Never that," she
said with a grin as she dried her hair quickly.
For once, it was easy to put it up into the regulation bun.
He walked over and read his
messages. "You're right. We have new orders. Best speed to Rigel VIII." He read some more. "Delivery run." He grimaced.
"From saving the day to
courier in a few short hours," she said with a grin.
He laughed. Pulling on his uniform, he tossed her clothes
on the bed. "You can keep a uniform
here if you want."
"Uh huh," she said
as she walked over and began to dress
He came up behind her. "Still convinced we aren't going to
last?"
His hands were making it hard
to get her clothes on. She found she
didn't mind. "I didn't say
that."
"No, you
didn't." He nuzzled her neck. "Even if we didn't last, I'd give you
your uniform back."
She laughed as she turned in
his arms. "You would?"
He nodded.
"Then maybe I will leave
one here." She kissed him.
When they finally pulled away
from each other he said, "Ready to face the day?"
She nodded, following him to
the door. "I'd be readier with some
breakfast in me."
"No time, Chris. You have only yourself to blame." He turned to her as the door opened. "Vixen."
McCoy stood at the door, his
eyebrow slowly rising.
"Jim." He turned to
her, took in her casual clothes.
"Christine."
Chapel could feel herself
blushing. Shit, shit, shit, she thought.
"Bones. What can I do for you?" Kirk's voice was admirably nonplussed.
"Just wanted to see if
you'd had breakfast. But I guess you've
already eaten."
Kirk grinned. "Actually, we haven't." He leaned over and to Chapel's shock gave her
a quick kiss. "I'll see you
later?"
She nodded and hurried off to
her quarters, uncomfortably aware of McCoy's scrutiny as she fled. She heard Kirk say, "What, Bones, you've
never seen a kiss before?" Then he
laughed and moved off. She felt absurdly
grateful that he was so self-assured.
And that he wasn't trying to hide this.
As she changed into her
uniform and snatched a nutrition bar, she caught a glimpse of herself in the
mirror. It's only going to get worse,
she told herself. Len is the one most
likely to be on your side. Frowning at
the idea of what some of the other reactions might be, she touched the spot on
her neck that Kirk had marked. He's
worth fighting for, she told herself resolutely. He's worth braving the firestorm for.
She rushed to sickbay and
busied herself with the report she was finishing on the Ilia probe. Their scans had revealed amazing technology
and she saw some applications--if they could figure out how the technology worked--for
limb replacement. She was so engrossed
in the topic that she didn't realize McCoy was standing in the doorway until he
said, "Have you lost your mind?"
Startled, she looked up at
him. He was frowning, his expression a
mixture of worry, disappointment, and some other emotion she couldn't
identify.
"Is it such a
stretch?" she asked quietly.
"Such a stretch,
Christine?" McCoy let the door shut
behind him and sat down across from her.
"You were in sickbay yesterday.
I know you saw the same thing I did."
She could feel her face
tighten. "What did you see,
Doctor?"
"Well,
Doctor." His emphasis on the word
was just short of mocking. "I saw
two men who were awfully glad to be reunited.
I know I wouldn't want to be the one that got caught between them."
"Who says I'm going
to?"
"Christine. For the love of god, do you really think you
can keep him now that Spock's back?"
Suddenly his expression turned suspicious. "Or is this just a very twisted way to
try to get Spock?"
"I can't believe you'd
even ask that."
"Why not? He's all you've ever seen." Again his expression contained something
unreadable.
"Maybe before. But things have changed. Jim and I...we don't make sense, I'll admit
it. But despite that...we work. We
fit."
He stood up. "Maybe before Spock came
back." At her look, he touched her
shoulder. "You deserve so much
more. I just don't want to see you get
hurt." His fingers tightened for
second, then he let go.
"I thought you'd be
happy for me."
He looked back at her. "Tell you what, if you're still with him
in a month, then I'll be happy for you."
He walked out of her office.
His words echoing in her
mind, she found it impossible to concentrate on the report she'd found so
absorbing earlier.
--------------------------------
Kirk sat in the center seat,
completely content to just watch his bridge crew at work. He caught Uhura looking over at him and
grinned. She gave him a delighted smile.
"It's good to be
back."
She nodded. "It's good to have you back."
He just smiled and turned
back to the main viewscreen.
"Sir," she
continued. "A lot of the crew were
wondering if we're going to have a post-launch celebration."
He saw Sulu turn to look at
her, a grin on his face. De Falco was
also smiling.
"So the crew wants a
party, do they?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well then let's give
them one. How about tonight?" By tomorrow they would be on Rigel VIII,
picking up their deliveries and no doubt engaging in a pointless round of
dinner and parties. He'd had enough of
that in the admiralty to last him a lifetime.
But a real party, with his own crew, now that he could enjoy.
"Tonight?"
He nodded. "Recreation lounge is big enough to host
it. Get catering working on it."
"Yes, sir."
He sent a quick message to
Chris, keying in, "Party tonight.
Be my date?"
A few minutes later, her
response came, "I'd better be."
He tried not to laugh as he
typed. "It's our coming out
party."
Her response was
instantaneous. "Oh, god."
He could imagine the panic in
her eyes. "Don't think about
that. You'll only worry it to
death."
"I can't go. I have inventory to do."
"You inventoried
everything yesterday. Multiple times
according to Bones." Kirk looked up
and realized Uhura was watching him as he keyed in the message. He tried to wipe the grin off his face until
she turned back to her station.
"I feel sick. I think I have Taurian Meningitis."
"Unlikely," he
keyed back. "Have to go. I'll pick you up."
A yeoman brought him some
padds to sign. He read through them,
intent on continuing to familiarize himself with everything about this
refurbished Enterprise. He signed and
handed the padds back to the yeoman.
Standing up, he looked over
at Spock. "Care to get to know this
ship?"
"That would be
agreeable, sir. There have been many
modifications."
Kirk nodded, calling out,
"You have the conn, Mr. Sulu. We'll
be in engineering if you need us," as he walked into the lift.
Spock followed him, standing
quietly until the lift started to move.
Then he looked over at Kirk.
"I was not sure you would wish to spend time with me? Last night was not what I expected."
Kirk chose to ignore the
comment.
Spock didn't let it go. "I know you were hurt by my
actions."
The lift doors opened and
Kirk barreled through. Spock followed
more slowly behind. Finally Kirk allowed
him to catch up.
"You don't wish to speak
of it."
"I don't."
"Will you ever?"
Kirk stopped. "You just don't let up, do you?"
"I have hurt you,
Jim. I wish to make things right between
us again."
"Right how?"
Spock's eyes bored into
his. "The way they were before I
left."
Kirk shook his head, laughed
bitterly. "That's impossible."
"Not impossible,"
Spock said. "Not if we want it
enough. You told me that once."
"Well, I wasn't seeing
someone else at the time."
Spock's face fell. Then he considered the statement. "That person is not here. And this is a long voyage."
"She is here,
Spock. And the voyage isn't so long when
she's sharing my quarters at night." He realized as he practically spit the words
at the Vulcan that he wanted to make him hurt, wanted to see some damage.
"You are involved with a
member of this crew?"
"Yeah. What are the odds?" Kirk started walking again.
"Who is she?"
"You wouldn't believe
me, if I told you." Kirk smiled
grimly.
Spock was more intuitive than
Kirk had given him credit for.
"That is why you demoted her?"
"I demoted her because I
needed McCoy back. I wanted my old crew
back."
"But now that you are
not her direct supervisor..."
"It's convenient,
yeah."
Spock was silent, obviously
thinking about this new development.
Kirk nodded to some passing
crewman and then turned into engineering.
Scotty looked up and
grinned. "Inspection, sir?"
"No, Mr. Scott. I learned the hard way that I don't know as
much about this ship as I should. And
Decker isn't here to pull my butt out of the fire. So I want you to show me anything and everything
that's different."
"Might take a while,
sir."
"I've got time. At least till tonight." He grinned at Scotty. "You did hear
about the party?"
"Oh, aye, sir. News like that travels fast." Scott turned to Spock. "And would you be wanting the same
tutorial, Mr. Spock?"
"I would."
"Well then, let's get
started." Scott led them around
engineering, pointing out a tweak here, a major modification there.
Kirk took it all in, trying
to organize it into categories that would best suit an emergency
situation. After several hours, he held
up a hand. "I think I've reached saturation
point, although I'm sure Spock could listen all day. I'll be back starting tomorrow for more
sessions...until it's all in my head the way it should be."
"Very well, sir."
Kirk headed back to the
bridge, Spock in tow. They walked in
silence for a long time.
Finally, Spock said,
"I'm sorry."
"For what?" Kirk glanced at Spock and saw him wince. "I'm serious, Spock. What are you sorry for? Is it for what you did? Or is it merely that what you did caused you
to lose me? Because there's a big
difference."
"I had to go to
Gol."
"Yeah, that's what your
message said."
"You don't
understand...I had to go."
"Explain that to
me. 'Had to go.' Because you make it sound so spur of the
moment."
"It was a sudden
decision."
"Spock, you knew
Commander Sonak, right?"
"Of course."
"His uncle was recently
accepted to study the Kohlinahr discipline." Kirk watched Spock as he continued,
"Sonak said there were months of applications, interviews, lots of
suitability screens. This isn't
something you just run to, Spock. Gol
was a choice. A calculated choice. One you decided on either before or after you
left me. But one that you had plenty of
time to back out of. You didn't do
that."
Spock did not answer.
"See, I waited for
you. I was sure you'd come
back." Kirk rubbed his
forehead. "You didn't come
back. And I waited for far too
long."
"I'm sorry."
"I know you
are." This time Kirk didn't bother
to ask for what. He knew the answer
anyway. Spock might regret that he had
thrown away the relationship they'd had, but he would do it again, if only to
find out that Kohlinahr wasn't his way.
Maybe it was how it was supposed to be?
Who could say how effective Spock would have been against V'ger if he
hadn't just come from Gol, if he weren't functioning at that level of
isolation? Maybe everything was working
out the way it was supposed to.
"Are you happy with
her?"
Kirk looked over at Spock,
met his eyes. "Very."
"She is a good
woman."
"She is."
"And quite intelligent."
Kirk nodded.
"Do you love her?"
Spock asked, nearly whispering the question.
"I do."
"Do you love me,
Jim?"
Kirk had been expecting the
question. "I do. I always will. But we're friends now, Spock. Just friends.
She's in my life. I don't intend
to change that."
"Of course," Spock
said evenly as they arrived at the lift.
"I do not mean to pry."
Kirk frowned. "It's okay. If you're going to be my friend, then you're
going to have to deal with her too."
Spock nodded. The lift arrived and Kirk entered it. Spock hung back.
"You coming?"
"I think I will check on
the science section while I am on this deck."
Kirk nodded. "Whatever you think best." He looked away as the lift doors closed. When they opened on the bridge, he took his
seat and turned to Uhura. "I miss
anything?"
"A synthesizer
malfunction and a question on decorations protocol." She grinned.
"In other words: no."
He smiled. "Wonderful." Leaning back in the chair, he took a deep
breath and called up a schematic of the engines. He reviewed what Mr. Scott had told him as he
studied the diagrams. Soon he'd again
know this ship like the back of his hand.
And he'd love every minute of getting to that point.
------------*******--------------------
Chapel sat in her chair and
thought up more excuses for not going go the party. When the door chimed and Kirk walked in, she
looked up and said, "Necrotizing fasciitis."
"Gesundheit," he
said with a grin.
"No. I have that.
It's a disease."
He shook his head. "Flesh-eating bacteria are a little
spare on the ship right now."
She scowled. "You're the only non-medical person I
know that would even know what it is."
"The benefits of a
strong background in classics. Word
derivations. Or I've been hanging around
Bones too long." He pulled her out
of the chair. "You look great. Let's go."
"I don't suppose you'd
buy pulmonary edema?"
He glanced at her chest. "Any swelling in your chest is natural
and very much appreciated."
"It means having to do
with the lungs."
He pulled her into his
arms. "I'm quite aware of
that. But I can't see your lungs and I
can see your chest." He kissed her. "In fact I can do more than see."
She pulled his hands up and
nodded. "Yes. Good idea.
We could stay here and you could do more than see my chest."
He shook his head. "We only have to do this once. Then it's out, and you can start to
relax. Please god," he added not
quite under his breath.
She sighed.
"Chris."
"Oh, all right. Let's go." She walked with him to the door. "Fatal thrombosis?"
He just glared at her and led
her to the lift. "Nothing you come
up with will work."
"Extreme
nausea?" She really did feel
sick.
He turned back to her. "Is it that you really don't want them
to know?"
She shook her head.
"Then what?"
"Everything will
change."
He shook his head. "It's just a party, Chris. With all the people we care about."
She nodded.
He sighed as they walked into
the lift. "The fact that you aren't
even arguing worries me more than anything."
She took a deep breath and
smiled up at him. She could tell by his
look that it wasn't very convincing. The
lift doors opened and they exited into the crowded corridor outside the
recreation lounge. She slowed as they
neared the door.
"Just once, then it's
over, Chris."
She felt his hand on the
small of her back, urging her forward.
As she walked into the lounge, she glanced over at him. He gave her a tender look and rubbed her
back. With a smile, she turned back to
the crowd and saw Rand looking at her.
Her friend didn't smile as her eyes dropped to where Kirk's hand rested
on Chapel's back then returned to her face.
She shot Chapel a look of hurt betrayal, then turned and disappeared
into the crowd.
So the first casualty of this
is my friendship with Jan, Chapel thought with a pang. Then she saw McCoy staring at her from where
he stood with Spock. Make that the
second casualty, she corrected.
She saw Uhura wave to her
from a table where she sat with Scotty, Sulu and Chekov. She smiled and gestured that she'd be there
in a moment. Turning to Kirk, she said,
"I've got to go find Janice."
He nodded absently, already
moving to where McCoy and Spock waited.
She found Rand sitting in a
couch on the balcony. Her lips were set
in a stern line and when she looked up at Chapel there was no welcome in her
eyes. "Were you going to tell
me?"
Chapel sat next to her. "Eventually. It's still so new, Jan."
"And fragile." Rand pointed to where Kirk was laughing with
Spock. McCoy wasn't with them anymore.
Chapel swallowed. "Not as fragile as you might
think," she said.
"Sure." Rand turned away. "You just keep telling yourself
that." She looked back angrily. "I couldn't land him and you think you
can?"
"I'm with him, Jan. I'm sorry if that hurts."
"How did this
happen? I didn't even think you two ran
in the same circles."
"You were all on the
ship, getting ready to ship out. We were
down there. And in the same place
emotionally. Sometimes that's all it
takes."
Rand stared at her
angrily. "How could you do this to
me?"
"Jan, at the risk of
hurting you more, this isn't about you."
"No? And if I'd gone for Spock when you were so
head over heels for him, wouldn't it have been about you?"
"It's been a long time
since you and Kirk--"
"--Some things don't
change. You know that." Rand looked down. "Some feelings don't go away."
"What feelings,"
Uhura asked as she came up the stairs.
"And why are you up here?"
She saw that no one was smiling and her eyes narrowed. "What's going on?"
Rand stood up. "Christine has a new fella in her
life. Someone that she didn't want to
tell us about."
Uhura looked at her in
question. "Who?"
Rand pointed down.
Uhura was still not getting
it. "Spock?"
"The other one."
Uhura stared at Kirk, then
slowly turned to look at Chapel. "I
don't believe it."
Chapel closed her eyes for a
moment and tried to control her anger.
"Why is it so hard to believe?"
Rand laughed meanly, her
expression one that Chapel didn't recognize. "It's just that it's you, Christine. I guess if we'd known it was that easy to bag
him..."
"Janice," Uhura
said to her warningly but the look she turned on Chapel was hurt. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Chapel looked down. "I wanted to, Ny. But I wasn't sure you'd understand."
"I'm your friend. Why wouldn't I understand?"
Rand snorted. "Oh yeah, you'd have understood."
"What's that supposed to
mean?" Uhura looked from one to the
other.
"It's just that...you've
always acted like he was yours," Chapel finished weakly.
"We're friends."
Rand laughed. "Yeah, great friends. I don't suppose he mentioned to you that he
and Chris were involved?"
Uhura glared at her. "Maybe he didn't mention it because it
isn't as serious as you both seem to think it is?"
Chapel stared at her
friend. "What's that supposed to
mean?"
"Christine. Come on.
This is Jim Kirk we're talking about.
You and the Captain? I just don't
see the words 'long term' written next to this, you know."
"Then you don't really
know him."
"But you do. After what?
A few months?" Uhura
narrowed her eyes. "I've watched
him a lot longer than that. I know what
he's like...and what you're like. I'm
sorry, but this just doesn't seem like a match made in heaven."
"This is so typical of
you," Rand noted. "You think
you own him."
"I never said
that."
"You sure as hell act
like it, Ny," Chapel felt her frustration bubbling over, making her meaner
than she intended. "You were always
the one up there, weren't you? On the
bridge, the inner sanctum...with him.
While we were just allowed to visit occasionally. Well, wake the hell up, we're your peers now,
not the low ranking peons we once were."
"Don't think you can win
me over to your side," Rand countered.
"It's you I'm mad at, not Ny."
Chapel turned to Rand and
said softly, "I know it hurts, Jan.
But can't you just be happy for me?"
Rand made a derisive
sound.
Chapel looked at her in true
confusion. "Do you really begrudge
me or him happiness?"
"Of course not. I wish him all the best." Rand looked down at Kirk and Spock and said
spitefully, "And he looks pretty damn happy now. With him.
Not with you."
Chapel nodded shortly. "I can see this is going nowhere. I'll just go somewhere I'm wanted."
Rand looked down at the two
men. "I hope you don't think it's
there. Because they don't look like they
need a third wheel."
"Ny?" Chapel said
helplessly.
"I don't understand you
at all," Uhura said in a dead voice.
Chapel looked at them both
for a long moment then turned quickly and hurried away, nearly knocking Sulu
and Scotty down as she passed them on the stairs.
"What's going on?"
she heard Sulu ask.
Chapel was about to leave the
recreation lounge when Kirk caught her eye and motioned her over. Taking a deep breath, she joined him. Spock nodded and excused himself.
"Hope I didn't interrupt
anything?" Her tone was bitter.
"You look like
shit. What happened?"
She gestured with her chin to
where the others still stood on the balcony, watching them with grim
expressions. "Didn't go over
well. Told you it wouldn't."
"They're not
thrilled?"
"Not thrilled? Try hostile.
Or incredulous. Or
appalled." She turned her back to
the balcony. "A few minutes ago, I
was one of them. Now I stand between you
and them."
"You're being overly
dramatic." He took her arm and led
her to the bar. "I think we both
could use a drink."
"Scotch?" she asked
bleakly.
"I was thinking of
something softer." He ordered them
some wine and nodded to the crewmembers that came up to say hello. His hand strayed often to the small of the
back, resting there in what she recognized was as much a protective gesture as
a possessive one.
"Chris?" Sulu stood behind her.
She turned, moving away from
Kirk. "Hikaru. Sorry about almost running you
down." She smiled at him
tentatively.
"I never said
congratulations."
She looked at him startled.
He grinned. "I mean for getting your M.D."
"Oh. Thanks."
He stepped closer. "I know that was a lot of work. And you finished early, didn't you?"
"A year
early." She smiled gratefully at
him. "Thanks, Hikaru."
He shrugged. "Give them time. They'll come around." He looked up and his eyes rested on
Rand. Chapel thought she saw a tinge of
sadness in his expression. "Or at
least most of them will."
"I hope you're
right."
"Even if they don't, you
have to do what you think will make you happy.
Did you know that my parents were against my joining Starfleet? I was supposed to take over the family
business, like my father had done, and his father, and his father before
him. All the way back to my
great-great-great-great grandfather who founded the company."
"Quite a legacy."
He nodded. "And one that I wanted no part of. I wanted to fly, and I wanted space. So I went after it and never looked
back. I didn't let anyone stop me
either, no matter how much they disapproved." He smiled. "And they came around. It took years but they did."
She laughed. "It was a really good pep talk until the
'it took years' part."
He grinned. "Guess I need to work on that."
"Guess so." She took a sip of her wine.
"Sulu," Kirk said
as he turned away from the group of crewmen.
"I take it you're one of the few actually talking to us about
this?" His tone was casual, but his
eyes were steely.
Chapel suddenly realized
Kirk's self-assurance was part act. He
did care how their friends took it. The
fact that he felt some strain from this made her feel absurdly better.
"Not my business what
you do. And if you're happy, then more
power to you." Sulu raised his
glass. "To happiness."
"Here, here," Kirk
said as both he and Chapel raised their glass.
"Are we toasting
something," McCoy asked as he walked up.
"Happiness," Kirk
said firmly.
McCoy shot her a look. "I'm all for happiness." He smiled.
"How about a toast to being all together again. Don't know how you managed it, Jim. But you've got it all back."
Chapel expected Jim to turn
to look for Spock but instead he glanced at her and smiled. "And more."
She couldn't resist his
expression, found herself grinning back.
"To more then,"
Sulu said.
"To more," Chapel
echoed. She met Kirk's eyes over her
glass. With a devilish look he let his
finger dip into the wine and casually lifted it to his lips, sucking the wine
off.
The other men seemed
oblivious, as her grin grew broader.
"Stop it," she mouthed at him and he shot her an innocent
look.
He looked up at the balcony,
his expression determined. "Let's
go join the others."
She felt a sense of panic.
"It'll be fun," he
said, as he took her elbow and steered her back up the stairs, the others in
tow. "So why's the party up
here?" he asked.
Rand didn't look at Chapel as
she answered. "It was getting
crowded down there."
Kirk dropped his hand from
Chapel's arm and let it encircle her, his hand coming to rest at her
waist. Rand's eyes followed the
movement.
Kirk stared at her blandly,
then turned to Uhura. "You're
awfully quiet, Nyota."
She gave him a half-hearted
smile. "Just enjoying the party,
Captain."
He nodded. His hand tightened slightly on Chapel's
waist. She could sense his frustration
as he took what seemed like an extra deep breath.
Spock's voice sounded from
behind them. "It is an enjoyable
party."
"Enjoyment would be an
emotion, Mr. Spock," McCoy ribbed.
"Language is
unfortunately imprecise." Spock
turned to Chapel. "I did not get a
proper chance in sickbay to congratulate you on your achievements."
She nodded, unsure what to
say, not completely sure of what he was really saying.
An uncomfortable silence
fell, then Chekov said in a too-bright voice.
"I wonder what's happening to Captain Decker and Lieutenant
Ilia?"
"I like to think they're
here in spirit," Kirk said.
"Watching us."
"It's a nice idea,"
Chapel agreed.
"That love transcends
death?" McCoy asked.
"We don't know that they
are dead, Bones."
"The Decker and Ilia we
knew are, though," Uhura said thoughtfully. "Whatever they are, wherever they are,
they aren't the people we knew."
"But that happens in
life, too. People change. Move on with their lives and leave what they
were behind." Kirk looked at Spock,
then over at Chapel. His hand tightened
on her waist. "Most of the time
they're still recognizable, but the changes are there."
Rand stood up. "Don't mean to break up the party, but
I'm going to go check on my section.
Make sure they're having fun."
Chapel looked down as the
others made their excuses too, leaving only Spock standing with them. She looked up and saw that he was watching
her. She pulled away from Jim's arm.
"Chris?"
She looked around. There was no one near them. "Let's get this out before we
explode."
"Get what out,
exactly?" Kirk sounded irritated.
She turned to Spock. "Just what 'achievements' were you
referring to?"
His eyebrow rose. "Successfully completing your medical
studies, of course."
She smiled tightly. "Nothing more?"
"I am afraid that I lack
information on your other career accomplishments."
"What about the
personal?"
Kirk sank down into the couch
with a sigh. "Could you two
stop?"
They both looked down at him.
"I'm not kidding. I'm damned tired and you're not
helping." He leaned his head back
and closed his eyes.
"I'm sorry," she
said softly.
Spock nodded.
Kirk opened his eyes. "Here's how it is. You--" he pointed at Chapel "--are
my lover and my friend. And you--"
a nod to Spock "--were my lover and still are my friend." He took a deep breath. "Any questions?" When neither of them said anything he stood
up. "Great. Glad that's settled."
He looked at Chapel, his
voice was low, his words clipped.
"We're going to mingle now.
You will relax and enjoy yourself."
He turned to Spock. "You're
coming with us. That way, nobody has
cause to wonder when we're going to explode and start fighting."
Chapel thought he sounded
dangerously close to exploding all on his own.
She realized he was waiting for her to say something. "Of course, Jim."
"As you wish,
Captain."
"Good. Then that's settled. And we're all straight on how this
works." He shot them both a
glance. "Aren't we?"
They both nodded.
"Wonderful." He stalked off without them.
Spock who lifted an eyebrow
slowly and said, "I believe we have irritated him."
"Still the master of
understatement, I see." She saw
Kirk glance back at them. "We
better get going."
They walked together down the
stairs.
"Did you come back for
him?" she asked him, before they reached Kirk.
Spock shook his head. "I came back for V'ger. I am staying for him." At her surprised glance, he did not look
away. "He is with you now. By his own choice. I will learn to accept that. But I do not intend to go away."
She looked away. "He still loves you."
He nodded. "But it is not enough. Not when he has you."
She turned to study him, not
sure what he was saying.
"He loves you too,
Christine. That is something I will also
learn to accept."
Kirk walked back to
them. "Will you two hurry
up?" He shot them both a stern
glance. "You aren't fighting, are
you?"
"No, Jim," Spock
said.
"Just a friendly
conversation." She backed him up.
"Not too friendly, I
hope." Kirk's look was slightly
jealous.
"Like that's going to
happen," she rolled her eyes and turned to Spock. "At least you don't have to worry about
me stalking you now."
"That was not one of my
worries when I chose to stay."
Spock was studying her closely, an unexpectedly warm interest in his
eyes.
She frowned. What was the look he was giving her? If he had looked at her like that just once
during their original mission, it would have given her fodder for daydreams and
fantasies for months. She glanced at
Kirk. He was frowning, not missing any
of the exchange. Laughing sharply, she
watched as they both reacted, as whatever spell Spock had been trying to weave
was broken.
"No, Mr. Spock. I'm definitely only going to be stalking one
man." She smiled at Kirk. "If he'll have me." She held out her hand, feeling as if she was
standing on the edge of a precipice.
His hand clasping hers pulled
her to safety. "He'll have you,
Chris."
She smiled and he grinned
back.
Without letting go of her, he
turned to Spock. "Now, old friend,
come mingle with us, and I'll let you set up the chessboard tomorrow
night."
"An offer I cannot
refuse," Spock agreed.
Kirk looked over at her. "I'm assuming you won't mind us playing
chess?"
She shrugged, wondering what
he would do if she said that she did.
"Good." He saw a group of engineers standing near the
bar and headed toward them. "We're
working this room, and we're not done until we've said hello to everyone
here. Got that?"
They nodded obediently.
"Wonderful." He let go of her hand and pulled slightly
ahead.
"Tyrant," she
mumbled.
"He can be dictatorial
at times," Spock agreed.
"I heard that,"
Kirk turned and said under his breath just before they reached the
engineers. He effortlessly turned on the
charm as he began to talk to the crewmen.
Chapel found herself grinning
as she watched him. She glanced over at
Spock and he was wearing a similarly fond look.
"We look like bookends, Spock.
Too weird," she whispered.
Spock glanced over at her and
nodded imperceptibly. "For him,
even the weird is acceptable," he said in a quiet voice.
"For him, anything is,"
she agreed. She looked back, trying to
see if Rand was still watching her. She
didn't see her in the crowd, but Uhura looked away when their eyes met. She sighed.
"They do themselves no
credit with their behavior," Spock said unexpectedly.
"You don't know why
they're reacting the way they are. And
it's a bit of a shock for them."
She wasn't exactly sure why she was defending the others.
"It is none of their
business," he pointed out logically.
She laughed softly. "Look at him, Spock. He's everybody's business."
They fell silent and just
watched Kirk as he worked the crowd, moving easily from a welcome for a new
crewman to a catch-up session with an officer he'd served with before.
"He's home," she
whispered.
"Indeed." He raised an eyebrow. "I believe we were ordered to mingle,
Doctor?"
"I believe you are
right." She smiled at a group of
crewmen and went to meet them. Maybe
he's not the only one that's home, she thought.
Maybe we all are. She resolved
not to worry about it. Only time would
tell what would happen to them all. Time
and their own choices.
She looked over at Kirk,
returning the grin he shot her. Her
choice was clear. She could only have
faith that his was as well.
--------------------------
Kirk yawned as he walked down
the corridor toward his quarters. He saw
Chris look at him uncertainly and he reached for her hand, pulling her to
him. "Stay with me?" he asked.
"Of course," she
said, as she glanced uneasily at Spock who was walking next to Kirk.
Let him get used to it, Kirk
thought, as he stopped to palm open his door.
This is how it is now. Spock's
fault really...he left and things changed.
"Goodnight, Doctor
Chapel. I will see you tomorrow,
Jim," Spock said softly as he kept walking toward his corridor.
"Tomorrow,
Spock." Kirk called after him. He let Chris precede him into the room. She turned and he saw that she was as tired as
he was. "Come here," he
whispered.
She didn't hesitate. Her arms went around his neck and she lifted
her lips to his. He kissed her
gently.
"Rough night," he
said.
She nodded. "My friends are really mad at me."
He shook his head. "Wouldn't it be easier to be happy for
you?"
"Not when they--"
she stopped abruptly.
"Not when they
what?"
She shook her head.
"Chris?" When she turned away, he pulled her
back. "What?"
"You're a handsome man,
Jim. I know you're not oblivious to the
effect you have on women." She
looked down. "Do you think they'd
be unaffected?"
He frowned. "You always were." He shrugged.
"And familiarity breeds contempt or something like that." When she didn't look up, he considered what
she was saying. "Rand I can
believe. I always knew she had a
crush. But Uhura?"
"I'm not saying she's
madly in love with you. I'm saying that
she feels possessive of you. That I'm
encroaching. Or something. And I should have told her." She smiled sheepishly.
"And we're not going to
solve it, or fix it tonight." He
kissed her again, pulling her close, then feeling her press against him even
more tightly. Her hands played with the
hair at the back of his neck, making him shiver. He could feel his body responding to her.
He let go of her and sat down
on the bed. "Get undressed."
"You don't want to do
it?"
"I want to watch you do
it." He smiled.
She seemed embarrassed but
she began to pull off her boots and socks.
She looked at him, shooting him a wry grin. "Oh, I'm supposed to make this sexy,
aren't I?"
He chuckled. "It's hard to make shoe removal
enticing. I'll waive the sexy
requirement on that part of the exercise."
"You are such a
pushover," she said with a seductive smile as she approached him. Stopping just out of arm's reach, she began
to slowly draw up her shirt. Her smile became
wicked as she lifted it over her head and let it drop behind her.
He exhaled loudly. "Come here."
She shook her head. "You said you wanted me to do
it." She let one strap of her bra
fall off her shoulder.
"Come. Here."
She shook her head
again. The other strap fell. He was off the bed and across the room
quickly, pulling her into his arms and kissing her. She responded passionately, her tongue
dueling with his even as she pushed him back to the bed. Then she wrenched away from him and said,
"You said you wanted me to do it."
He sat back down and
nodded. "Then do it."
She unhooked her bra and let
it drop to the floor. Then she slipped
out of the loose trousers she had worn.
She took the few steps to reach him.
"I need help with these."
He reached down and ripped
the panties off her.
She gasped as he did it,
startled and aroused at the same time.
She swallowed hard and looked down at him. "You seem to be overdressed."
"I'll remedy
that." He stood up. "You lie down."
She sat down on the bed, then
slid back till she was lying on it. As
he began to take off his clothes, he didn't take his eyes from her. She stared back, and licked her lips without
thinking. He let the last of his clothes
drop and crawled up the bed to her.
"Put your hands over your
head," he ordered and watched as she did it. "Stay that way," he said firmly, as
he bent over her, touching her intimately.
"Ahhh, Jim, god, don't
stop," she said as she began to buck, her words turning to cries of
pleasure, then to sighs as he pulled away from her. She reached down and pulled him up to her,
kissing him deeply. "Love
you," she mumbled between kisses.
He stroked back her hair and
watched her eyes as she came back down from the place he had sent her. Her skin was flushed in places and he traced
the pattern as her breathing slowly stilled.
When she opened her eyes, he smiled at her. "I love you, Chris."
They kissed and she pulled
him unresisting on top of her. For all
the fire he felt inside, he wanted to go slow, be tender tonight. He took his time as he positioned himself,
found a deliberate rhythm and kept to it, groaning as he resisted the desire to
go faster.
She stared up at him and
kissed him, their tongues entwining as he moved against her, her hands
clutching his arms as she began to shudder again. As she clenched around him, he found his own
release. She pulled him down to rest
against her, and he sighed happily as her fingers traced a pattern on his
back. He finally rolled off her and
pulled her into his arms.
"So sweet," he
whispered. She smiled softly and he
kissed where her mouth turned up. His
lips touched something wet and he pulled away.
She was crying. "What is
it?"
She blinked back more
tears. "I'm not used to being this
happy. It scares me."
He nodded, wiping away the
tears with his finger. "Get used to
it."
A shadow flickered in her
expression. He wondered how long it
would take her to accept that he had made a choice...had chosen her. He remembered how Spock had been looking at
her at the party. It hadn't been desire
precisely. Just more like Spock had
wondered what made her so interesting to Kirk.
As if he might want to find out for himself. He wouldn't, Kirk thought. Then wondered who _she_ would choose if the
occasion ever arose.
"You're very far
away," she said gently.
"Thinking about
choices."
"Rethinking them?"
she asked.
"No. Wondering what you would do in my
place."
"I don't
understand."
"If it were between me
and Spock, which of us would you choose?"
She frowned. "That choice will never come up."
"Well, maybe it
should."
"Okay." She thought about it. "I'd choose you."
"Why?"
She grinned. "Better the devil you know..." She cuddled against him. "Because I like you, and I want you, and
I love you, that's why." She kissed
him. "Because we just work."
He nodded. "Because I won't leave."
Her face became serious. "And neither will I."
"I know." He pulled away long enough to draw down the
covers. She crawled in between the
sheets and he followed her. "Things
will work out. With Rand and Uhura and
the others, I mean. They'll get used to
this."
"Hopefully. But it doesn't matter. I'm not giving this up."
"Good." He pulled her into his arms again. "Go to sleep, Chris. It's late."
She shut her eyes and he
watched her sleep for a long time before saying, "Lights out." As the room fell into darkness he looked over
at the stars streaming past his window and let their motion, Chris's soft breathing,
and the barely perceptible hum that was the normal sound of the Enterprise lull
him into sleep.
FIN