DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2002 by Djinn. This story is Rated R.

A Particular Pain

by Djinn

All loss, all pain, is particular; the universe remains to the heart unhurt. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Kirk's comm unit sounded and he ignored it. It chimed twice more before a voice announced, "Priority call for you from the Enterprise."

"Go ahead," he said, slightly startled.

Decker appeared on the terminal. "You're working late...or is it early?"

"Will, this is a surprise." Kirk wondered if Decker had gotten wind of what he was about to pull. He kept his face carefully neutral as he waited for the other man to answer.

"You know Christine pretty well, don't you, Admiral?"

Kirk knew he wasn't hiding his surprise. "I guess. We occasionally see each other socially. Lunch, you know..."

Decker frowned. "That's all? I got the impression it was more."

Kirk gave him a 'what can I tell you?' shrug. "Surely you didn't comm me all the way from the Enterprise to talk about Doctor Chapel?"

"Actually, I did. I thought you might have an idea why she's had second thoughts about the CMO position. She did tell you I'd offered it to her?"

Kirk fought to keep the bitterness out of his smile. "Oh yes. She told me, Will."

"It's a great move for her. Turning it down now makes no sense. She was really excited about this."

She turned it down, Kirk processed slowly. "I really can't tell you why she did it, Captain. But I'm sure she had her reasons."

"I don't suppose you could talk to her? She's not taking my comms for some reason."

Kirk almost laughed. "If I see her, Will, I'll ask."

Decker smiled in relief. "Thanks, sir." He turned to someone that was out of view, listening for a moment before nodding. "I've got to go. You know how it is pre-launch."

Nodding, Kirk cut the connection. He refused to think of her. Or of what Decker had said she'd done. She didn't deserve to be CMO anyway. Not on that ship...on his ship, he thought as a cold anger filled him.

He pushed her from his mind. Tried to calm the anger and focus on his work. A chime at his door interrupted his progress. "Come," he said, impatience clear in his voice.

"Admiral Kirk?" A young medical aide stepped in nervously. When Kirk nodded, he walked carefully to the desk and set a box down in front of him. "This is for you, sir."

"Who sent it?"

The aide shook his head, and Kirk wasn't sure if he was unable or unwilling to tell him.

"Dismissed." He waited till the doors closed behind the man, then opened the box.

The statue of Saraswati lay cradled in a pile of packing material. A hand-written note said, "I can't accept this."

Kirk picked up the figurine, wanting nothing more than to throw it with all his might against the wall. Seeing it break into tiny pieces would feel good. He stood up. Forcing her to take it--to take back the future she'd traded him for--would feel even better.

He was out of his office and halfway down the hall to the exit before he realized that he had no idea where Chris lived.

"Damn." He turned and headed back to his office, wasting several minutes fumbling with the personnel records that contained private data. He finally found her address and saw that she did indeed live very close to where he did.

"One thing you weren't lying about," he muttered, as he set out again.

The walk through the early morning darkness passed in a blur. He was at her door and ringing for entrance before he'd thought of what he was going to say.

He had to ring several more times before the door opened. She stood in front of him, eyes red and expression wary. "Admiral?"

"Can I come in?"

He thought he saw anger flare in her eyes, as she said, "I don't think that's a good idea."

He let his own fury show. "Oh, I think it is."

"What's the point, Jim? What are we going to solve?" She started to turn away.

His hand shot out, catching her sleeve and yanking her back to face him, he slapped the statue into her hand. "I said it was yours."

"I can't accept it." She tried to hand it back.

He refused to reach for it and she exhaled loudly, a sound of pure frustration. Obviously unwilling to damage the statue, she set it at his feet. He kicked it past her, into her apartment.

"Damn you! I don't want it." She hurried over to where the statue had hit the wall. There was a long crack running down the middle, and she ran her finger along it slowly.

He followed her in. "Just like you suddenly don't want to be on the Enterprise?"

She turned to him in shock. "How--"

"--Decker called me."

"Oh." She seemed about to say something, then her shoulders slumped and she turned and walked into the next room.

He followed her.

"Go away, Jim."

He felt his rage subside slightly, twist into something more complicated. He stalked over to where she stood looking out her window. Standing behind her, his chest touching her back, he said in a low, controlled voice. "Did it mean anything to you?"

She tried to turn and he grabbed her arms, holding her in place against him. She fought him and was stronger than he expected, but not strong enough to break away.

"Answer me," he said, as he let go of her right arm only to loop his arm around her, his hand caressing her throat.

She gasped in surprise.

"I said--" He didn't have to finish.

"--It meant everything."

"Liar." He pushed his face into her hair, tightened his hold on her. She struggled, tried to turn again as he whispered, "Meant nothing."

"Jim," she cried out, her breath was raspy. "Please. You're hurting me."

Her words didn't make sense at first. Then he realized that he was no longer caressing her throat, was in fact squeezing it. He jerked his hand away, taking a step back from her, then another. He held his hand up, studying it as if he wasn't sure it was his.

She turned on him. "You bastard!" She tried to hit him and he caught her hand. "Damn you!" She raised her other hand but he captured that one too.

She was breathing heavily, tears in her eyes. He saw red marks at her throat, realized they were from his fingers.

"Chris," he said, as he let go of her and reached out to trace the angry evidence of his lack of control.

The punch she landed on his jaw took him by surprise. He was on his backside before he realized she had hit him.

"Shit," she said, as she cradled her hand.

He looked up at her and began to laugh.

She didn't join in. Glaring at him, she reached down with her good hand to help him up.

He jerked her hand and as she landed hard beside him, he rolled her to her back and pinned her, his chest pressing on hers as he stared at her. "I hate you," he said softly.

"I hate you too," she answered, pushing at him with her right hand then wincing in pain.

"I hate you more though." He reached for her hair. He barely had to pull it toward him before her mouth was on his, her arms coming up around him.

"Goddamn statue is yours," he mumbled, as she pushed him to his back and followed him down, her kisses becoming more crazed. He didn't try to stop himself from pulling her to him, from kissing her back.

"Hate you," she replied, as she pulled away, staring at him hard. He felt something hit his cheek and realized she was crying. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she said brokenly as she pulled away from him. Crawling slowly to the window, she grabbed the ledge and pulled herself up with her good hand. Her movements were awkward, tired. She turned and leaned her forehead against the window.

Pushing himself up, he walked over to her and let his arms close around her again. As his lips touched her neck, he said softly, "Let's try this again, shall we, Chris?"

"Hate you," she said as she leaned her back into his chest and cocked her head to give him better access to her skin.

"Yes, I know." His hands roamed the front of her, stroking her gently, then not so gently.

She moaned and, feeling himself respond, he pushed against her harder with his body.

"Love you," she whispered.

"Say that again."

She tried to turn. He wouldn't let her. His tongue found her neck, her ear, her jaw. Her breathing was harsh, her body pressed firmly against his. "Say it again," he urged.

"I love you," she said with a sob, finding strength that surprised him and pulling away from him long enough to turn to face him. "I love you," she repeated as she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him frantically.

He pulled her into the hall; saw two closed doors ahead of him. "Which one is the bedroom?"

She pointed to the right one and he dragged her to it. She didn't resist as he pushed her down and pulled off her clothes. Still dressed, he lay down next to her. "Say it again," he said, his fingers touching her in ways that made her moan loudly.

"I love you," she said, as his lips claimed hers. He kissed her hard, his tongue sparring with hers even as his touches inflamed her. Her cries were smothered in the kiss they shared as her body bucked against him.

He stroked her gently and felt her shudder. He switched to short, sweet kisses, allowing her to finally catch her breath. "Say it again, Chris," he said as he felt her hands trying to pull off his clothes. He helped her undress him, then moved on top of her.

"I love you," she whispered again, her body tight around him. "Love you," she repeated even as he began to move hard against her. She didn't stop saying it until he lay still on top of her.

They didn't move for a long time, both breathing hard. Her arms held him tightly against her and he tried to shift, sure that he was hurting her. She pulled more firmly, wincing as her injured hand protested. "Stay with me," she said as she buried her face in his neck. "Don't leave."

He gently disengaged her hands, trying not to hurt her. He heard her sob softly as he pulled away from her and rolled off her and then off the bed. He walked into the bathroom and shut the door. Leaning on the counter, he stared at himself in the mirror for a long time. Finally, he straightened and took a deep breath. Then he began to dig through the drawers until he found a regenerator.

When he opened the door and walked out again, she was on her side, facing away from him. From the way her back was shaking, he could tell that she was crying. Hard. And silently.

"Chris," he said softly as he sat on the bed.

She didn't react.

He reached over and pulled her to her back. Her face was flushed and wet from her tears, her eyes puffy as she looked at him dully.

He turned on the regenerator and began to work on her hand, talking as he did. "I'm going to get the ship, Chris. I'm going to take it back. I have a meeting with Nogura in a few hours. Then she'll be mine again."

Her eyes narrowed.

He began to heal the marks on her neck. "Get up there. Now. Call Decker and tell him you've changed your mind."

She shook her head slowly.

He turned the machine off, then got up and walked into the living room. Picking up the figurine, he carried her back to the bedroom. "If only she could be fixed as easily." He handed the statue to her. "She's yours."

She stared at him.

"I'm calling McCoy in too. He'll be the CMO, not you. But that's better. In the long run."

She clearly didn't understand.

He walked to her closet. Found a uniform and threw it at her. "Get up to the ship. Wait for me."

"But Decker?"

"It's not his ship, Chris."

She fingered the uniform. "Why should I? What if I tell him?"

"You won't tell him," he said as he sat down next to her again. "You love me."

"You want me up there?"

He nodded.

"With you?"

He nodded again.

"Why?"

He gave her a feral grin. "Why do you think?" Then he kissed her hard. "Call Decker. He'll be thrilled to have you back on the team."

She looked unsure.

He leaned in and kissed her again. "Chris, I need you there with me."

She closed her eyes.

"You'll do it?"

She nodded. Satisfied, he walked out into the early morning light.

----------------------------

Chapel looked around sickbay, still trying to get her bearings. Decker hadn't been kidding when he'd said the entire ship had been refitted. There was little left that was familiar in the rooms she had worked in for three years.

And now McCoy was coming. She sighed, trying to reconcile her irritation at being supplanted with the profound sense of relief she felt knowing that her former boss would again be running things. She slid her hand down the biobed, then turned to examine a new scope. Her former boss, her former captain. The only thing missing was her former unrequited love. Everyone else was here. Uhura, Sulu, Scotty, Chekov, even Rand was back in her new role as transporter chief.

She heard the doors to sickbay open, an angry voice called out her name. "Christine?"

"Will?" She had never seen Decker so angry. So it had happened. Kirk was here. And he'd taken the ship. Just as he said he would. Her heart went out to her friend, even as a more primitive part of her reacted to the news that Jim was again within reach.

"I can't believe this!" Decker paced as he spoke. "He took her away, Christine. I can't believe he just took her away."

Chapel felt a surge of guilt fill her, as she looked at Decker in feigned incomprehension. "Who did, Captain?"

"Your friend. Kirk." A fist on the counter accompanied the name. "That's who." He looked at her helplessly. "And it's commander now. I've been demoted."

Chapel knew she couldn't tell him that she'd soon be losing her position too, although she suddenly wanted to. For a moment, she wondered if she was making a mistake throwing her loyalty so firmly in Kirk's camp. "I'm sorry, Will. I don't know what to say."

Any answer he was going to make was cut off by the intercom. "Emergency in transporter room. Emergency in transporter room," the mechanical voice intoned. Decker took off as she stopped to grab some instruments. As she was about to follow him out, she heard Rand's voice say, "Transporter room to sickbay, stand down." Rand's voice broke. "There's nothing you can do."

Chapel hit the comm. "Janice, what's happening there?"

There was a long pause, then Rand's voice whispered. "The transporter malfunctioned during beam in. They were caught in the buffer. They formed before they should have."

"I'll be right there."

"No. They aren't here. The transporter failed before they finished. They ended up...they ended up back at Starfleet."

"Oh, god, Jan, I'm sorry." Chapel closed her eyes for a moment as a vision of melted and twisted flesh assailed her. If it's haunting me, she thought, imagine what it's doing to Janice.

"Can I help, Jan?"

"No. It's all right." She fell silent for a long moment, then in a breathless rush, Rand said, "He was here, Chris. The captain was here. It made it better somehow. Like it wasn't all on me, you know? Just having him here..."

Chapel wasn't sure what to say.

There was a pause. "I better go. Rand out."

It suddenly occurred to Chapel that her friend might be less than thrilled to hear about her new relationship with Jim. Why hadn't I thought of that? Chapel wondered. Then she laughed softly. She hadn't thought about it because she couldn't think about much of anything when Jim was near her. Was that healthy? She saw her reflection in the window to her new office. She looked strong, secure. Not easily swayed against her will.

He'd told her to come and she'd been ready to argue. Then he'd asked her to come and she'd found that she couldn't say no. It frightened her a bit, the way she felt about him. The way he made her feel about the two of them. He was ruthless. He'd use her if he had to. Then she remembered his face as he'd handed the little figurine of Saraswati back to her, as he'd run the regenerator over the marks that he'd left on her throat and on the hand she'd hurt punching him. His expression had been soft and kind...loving. She felt a frisson of tenderness and desire shoot through her, landing finally in the pit of her stomach.

"Kirk to Chapel," the comm sounded from her desk.

She walked to the CMO's office and hit the comm. "Chapel here."

She could hear his smile. "I'd like to talk to you, Doctor."

"You know where to find me." She tried to keep her voice at its most professional.

"My quarters, Doctor."

"Now?"

"Actually five minutes ago would be better."

"I'll be right there." She walked out of her office briskly, calling out. "I'll be back, Sanchez. Have a meeting."

The head nurse nodded and continued with the calibrations she was doing on one of the medical sensors.

Chapel hurried to the lift. "Deck five," she told it. And step on it, she almost added, resisting the urge to laugh. When she arrived at the right floor, she hurried down the hall, rang the chime impatiently.

"Come," his voice sounded through the intercom. A wicked smile on her face, she stepped inside.

He was sitting at his table, a pile of padds in front of him. "Come here," he said without looking up.

She walked over to him. As she got within reach, he dropped the padd he was reading and grabbed her, pulling her onto his lap. Laughing, he pulled her face down to his. "I've missed you, Doctor," he said just before he kissed her.

She gave herself up to his kisses. It was a long time before they pulled away from each other.

"I've missed you too, Admiral."

"Captain." At her look, he grinned. "I couldn't demote just Will, now could I?"

"He's really upset."

His jaw set. "He'll get over it."

"Would you?"

"He's not me, Chris. Or haven't you figured that out yet?" His hands began to roam over her body.

She leaned in and kissed him. "I know he's not you. But he's still a good man."

He pushed her up and off his lap.

She stared at him. "You're kidding? I don't agree with you and suddenly you don't want me?" She shook her head as he glared at her. She could feel her mouth set in a mean line as she turned away. Over her shoulder she said in the most mocking voice she could muster, "Remember thou art mortal, my liege."

She was halfway to the door when he caught up with her. His hand on her arm pulled her back to him and he kissed her savagely. "You think I don't know I'm a damn mortal, Chris?" He pushed her toward the bed. "I wake up every day and wonder how long I have and what I'm doing with that time. I don't want to wake up one day and wonder when I stopped living my life and let it live me." His kisses were rough as he pulled her uniform off.

She pulled away then shoved him to his back. As he lay there, breathing hard and glaring at her, she smiled. "You feel guilty."

He looked away. "I did what I had to do."

She began to remove his uniform. "That doesn't make it easier. You stole this ship from him."

He touched her face. "I know. I'd do it again in a second, too." As he pushed her down and moved over her, his face was tortured. "Doesn't make it easier."

She pulled him down to her. "It's done now," she said.

They didn't talk for some time. Just held each other, making small noises, and sometimes louder ones. She lay back and closed her eyes.

He stroked her face. "You're exhausted."

She nodded. "Didn't get much sleep the last few days."

He nodded in understanding. "Sleep here for a while."

She pushed up and slid off of the bed. "I can't. I have things to do. So do you." As she pulled on her uniform, she stared at him. "I do love you, Jim."

His mouth turned up in a small smile. "Even when you don't agree with me?"

She nodded. "Even then." She turned away, trying not to feel the sting when he didn't say he loved her too. Trying and failing.

"Chris?"

"Hmm," she said as she pulled on her boots.

"Why'd you come?"

She looked up. "What do you mean?"

"Along. On the ship. With me. Why?"

"Because you need me." She looked down. "Because I need you." Shrugging, she turned for the door. "Because I'm a total idiot?"

He climbed off the bed and pulled her back into his arms. "I know you're not that."

She kissed him. "Maybe we both are?"

He shook his head, kissing her again before pulling his uniform back on. "I'll see you at 0400?"

She nodded and fixed her hair, was about to walk out when he said, "Wait a sec."

He gathered some hair that had fallen down onto her neck and caught it up in the clip. She smiled, touched by the act. Laughing, he pulled her into a quick hug. "I'm glad you're here."

She hugged him back, then pulled away. "I'll see you in the recreation lounge, Jim."

He nodded. She couldn't resist turning to look at him as she walked out. He was staring at her, a half smile playing at his lips. She grinned and he lifted a hand. Feeling the urge to rush back in, Chapel forced herself to keep moving in the direction of the lift. It took her a long time to settle back down to work when she got back to sickbay.

--------------------------

Kirk watched Chris leave then walked over to the viewscreen. As he stared out at the stars streaming by, he played over this latest encounter with her. In truth, he had only intended to say hello, to share a few kisses and then go back to work. But as usual, interacting with her rarely went by his script. He grinned. He liked that. A lot. He felt alive when he was with her. Not a turn of events he'd expected or even particularly wanted when their relationship had begun, but one that he was quickly finding addictive.

He frowned. Addictive wasn't the right word, implying too much that was negative, unhealthy. And she was healthy for him. Kept him honest...and grounded, even out here among the stars.

He put his hand on the walls beside the viewscreen, sensing the slight vibration of the ship. It was the best feeling in the world. The feel of his ship. _His_ ship. He took a deep breath. His ship...his home. And one he didn't know very well. Getting turned around in the corridors had rankled him. He turned back to the table, picked up the padds and started to study the design modifications. It wouldn't happen again.

----------------------------

Just before 0400, Chapel followed the rest of the medical staff out to the recreation deck and saw Sulu motion for her to join the other department heads on the podium. She took her place on the far side, unwilling to admit that she chose it because it would afford her the best view of Kirk when he came in. She watched the video of the approaching cloud, then felt a surge of excitement as Jim walked in. He looked back at the screen, his gaze traveling down and over her briefly as he faced front. As their eyes met, she had to hide a smile. His flickered for a moment, the set determination giving way to something softer, then he looked past her. He started to explain the situation but a comm from Epsilon 9 cut in. The entire crew watched in horror as the station was destroyed. She looked at Kirk as he struggled with what he had seen, with the enormity of it. And he conquered whatever demons he felt, because his voice was firm as he said, "Pre-launch countdown will commence in 40 minutes," before striding off the platform.

As she trailed behind the others, Chapel saw that Uhura was waiting for her. She hurried to the other woman, who reached out and touched her on the arm as she said, "It'll be okay. He's here."

Chapel nodded as she walked the short way to the lift and watched Uhura take the first one to the bridge.

"It's just like old times, isn't it?" Rand said behind her. "All of us, together again." Then she looked down. "I'm sorry, Chris. I guess not all."

It took Chapel a moment to figure out who she meant. "No, not all."

"Do you think he'll come? When he knows, I mean?"

Chapel's voice was hard. "He won't care. He's at Gol, Jan. Or hadn't you heard?" She turned and headed down the corridor to medical.

"I'm sorry, Chris. I wasn't thinking," Rand called out after her.

Chapel held up a hand and kept moving. The idea of Spock possibly returning upset her on a number of levels. But it was foolish to allow herself to get worked up about it. He wasn't coming back. She had enough to worry about without adding that in too.

She walked to her office in sickbay. She hadn't bothered to unpack when she'd arrived, knowing that she'd be moving to the smaller deputy's office in a few hours. There had been enough to do that it hadn't looked odd. Now, with McCoy's arrival imminent, she had the sudden urge to make her space look homey, lived in, as if he she hadn't just arrived too. She moved her cartons and pulled open the first one, carefully removing the little goddesses. The Saraswati was at the bottom. She picked it up gently, holding the sandalwood to her nose. The scent of the old wood had mostly faded but she could still pick up a slight hint of it. She put it on the bookshelf with the others and sat down at her desk, calling up the schematics of the new sickbay so she could familiarize herself with the less obvious changes.

"If you aren't a sight for sore eyes," she heard from the doorway.

Looking up, her eyes met the sparkling blue ones of a bearded and casually dressed McCoy. She felt a surge of joy and jumped up to give him a hug. "Len!"

His arms were strong around her. "Chris! Doctor Chapel, I mean." He grinned proudly at her. "Told Jim I didn't need a damn doctor, needed a top nurse." He laughed. "You've done good, kiddo."

She nodded, trying not to think that she would have done better if she were still CMO.

He seemed to read her mind. "Sorry about taking your spot here. You know it wasn't my idea?"

She fingered the copper medallion he wore around his neck. "I'm guessing not. What is this?"

He grinned. "Token of esteem from a former lady friend of mine."

"And this?" She tugged on his beard.

"Damn inhibitor makes my face itch."

"And this doesn't?" She laughed.

There was a subtle shift in the hum of the engines and she smiled. "We're on our way," she said. He's really done it.

"On our way to meet oblivion, from the look of it," McCoy noted. "Hell of a thing to get called back for." He leaned against the wall. "But if I'm going to die, I can't think of better company to be in."

She grinned.

"You look good, Chris."

"Medical school agreed with me, I guess."

He cocked his head, studied her. "More than that. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were in love. Spock come aboard and somebody forget to tell me?"

She could feel her smile fade. "That wasn't very nice."

He frowned. "It was a joke." He saw she was serious. "Sorry."

She shrugged. "You'd think he was the only man in the universe the way people act about it. Or that I never accomplished another thing in my career other than being in love with him." She turned back to her terminal. "Better get cleaned up, Doctor. You're hardly regulation."

"Christine--"

"--Forget it. Just go get cleaned up."

He stood there a moment longer, then she heard him turn and walk out. She tried to let go of her anger, tried to study the plans for a while longer. Finally she gave up and leaned back in her chair. Would it always come back to Spock? Couldn't they ever let that go? She had, why wouldn't they?

She sighed and turned to the crew complement, intent on learning of any medical idiosyncrasies long before an actual crisis occurred. Some time later, she got up and stretched, moving back into main sickbay to check the equipment. McCoy, neatly shaved and in uniform, walked in, muttering to himself.

"Something wrong?" she asked.

He motioned her into his office. "He's obsessed."

"Who?" she asked, even though she had a good idea who he was talking about.

"Jim." He looked at her. "Have you seen him since he came aboard?"

She decided not to lie. "In his quarters. And at the crew briefing."

McCoy shook his head. "He wants the ship. He won't stop till he gets her, either. This emergency is just an excuse."

She didn't say anything.

"He could get us all killed, Chris."

She looked down. Somehow, deep in her heart, she didn't believe that. I'm as bad as Jan, she thought. Thinking that as long as he's in charge, everything will be all right. She was about to answer when a message came in to McCoy's desk from the bridge. "Spock's here," Uhura whispered.

Chapel looked at McCoy in confusion.

"The shuttle! It's him. Let's go say hello." He hurried out toward the lift, and she followed close behind.

A sinking feeling came over her. She thought of Kirk, how he must be feeling. She knew how she was feeling. Excitement, dread, and fear warred within her. She schooled her features into a happy smile. It was what everyone would expect of her...to be thrilled to see the object of her affections.

She was the first off the lift. "Mr. Spock!"

McCoy was right behind her. "Well, so help me, I'm actually pleased to see you."

Spock looked at them as if they had interrupted a very important experiment. Not a trace of emotion showed in his face. Chapel glanced at Kirk. He was staring at the Vulcan, wonder in his expression. Then he looked over at her. Took in her smile. His eyes narrowed.

Spock stared at them all coldly for a long moment, then walked toward the lift.

Uhura said gently, "It's how we all feel, Mr. Spock."

He ignored her. "Captain, with your permission I will now discuss these fuel equations with the Engineer."

Chapel looked at Kirk. His face showed his disappointment as he nodded permission. As Spock turned to enter the lift, he said, "Mr. Spock. Welcome aboard."

The Vulcan did not even turn to acknowledge the sentiment as the lift doors closed. Kirk turned to McCoy and Chapel. His eyes were hurt as he shared a look with them. Chapel swallowed and said, "If you don't need me, sir?"

Kirk turned to her, shaking his head, and she wondered just how big a question she had really asked.

McCoy did not come back with her. She realized, with a pang, that nothing had changed. He would be on the bridge, while she waited down here in sickbay, not knowing what was going on, not included in the action. And Spock was back too. Emotionless or no, it was still the three of them. United against the world.

She was still in her office when she sensed a presence at her door. She looked up.

"It's just like I dreamed." Kirk sat down in her other chair and leaned his head against the wall.

She nodded. "I know."

"Only it's a nightmare." He closed his eyes.

She turned to the viewscreen in her office. "Privacy." The door closed and the screens went black to those outside, although she could still see out. She saw McCoy narrow his eyes as he walked by but he didn't disturb her.

"He came back, Jim."

"For what? Not for me." He touched her cheek. "Not for you."

She didn't look away from the raw pain in his face. "I don't know why he came back. He has his own reasons for doing things. Hasn't he always?"

He finally looked down, nodded in defeat.

She took his hand in hers and gave it a gentle squeeze. "It's the Kohlinahr. In time...maybe."

He shook his head. "And we just wait?" He pulled her to him, kissing her tenderly. "He left us behind. Let him wait for us."

She nodded and held him for a long moment. Then watched him get up slowly. Smiling grimly, he stroked her cheek then left.

McCoy came out of his office and watched Kirk walk out of sickbay, finally turning to her. "Everything okay?"

She nodded.

"He came to you to talk?"

She felt an angry frustration fill her. "Is that so hard to believe?" She got up and brushed past him, not caring that she knocked him slightly off balance. He grabbed for the door. "Christine, what's eating you? Why is everything I say wrong?"

She shook her head and went into the pharmacy to check in the medicines. He joined her.

"I'm sorry, Chris. I'm not exactly sure for what, but I am sorry."

She turned to look at him. "I know you are, Len." She recognized that her expression wasn't giving him any clues.

He sighed. "I'm going to grab some chow. You want some?"

"You go ahead. I'm not hungry." She went back to the inventory.

He stood for a long time staring at her before finally leaving. She felt tears threaten and wasn't sure why. Work, she thought, bury yourself in it.

----------*****------------

Kirk found himself unable to sit on the bridge for one more minute. The urge to see Spock, to talk to him away from everyone else was too strong to ignore. He stood, trying to appear casual.

Decker looked over at him.

"I'm going to see how they're doing in engineering. You have the comm, Commander."

"Aye, sir."

Kirk stepped toward the lift. Uhura was watching him and he shot her a grin. She grinned back then returned to monitoring her board.

Engineering was bustling and Spock and Scotty were in the thick of the action. Kirk watched them for a moment, not trying to hide the nostalgic grin.

A lieutenant stopped and asked him, "Can I help you, sir?"

He shook his head. "Just came to watch the masters at work." He indicated the lieutenant should continue with his duties, then walked over to where the two men were working.

"This is a mite irregular, Mister Spock. I'm not sure Starfleet engineering will approve of us tinkering with their fuel cells this way." Scott sounded far from displeased at the thought.

"It is hardly our concern that Starfleet engineering has not thought of this solution." Spock's voice was still the somber monotone he'd used on the bridge.

"Aye, sir," Scotty replied.

"How's it going?" Kirk asked.

"It's a good thing Mister Spock happened along, Captain," Scott said with a smile. "I doubt we'd have gotten the engines anywhere close to where we are now. We'll be fully operational, nay more than that even, in no time, sir."

Kirk smiled. "It is a good thing you 'happened along', Spock."

The Vulcan didn't react. Kirk waited for a moment, feeling increasingly stupid. Scott shot him a sympathetic look.

Kirk backed up a step. "Well. I'll leave you to it. Let me know when you're ready."

Scott nodded. Again Spock did not respond. Kirk stifled the sigh he felt beginning and shot Scotty his most devil-may-care grin. Then he spun on his heel and left engineering.

He tried not to give in to the disappointment that filled him. It would just take time, like Chris had said. He suddenly wanted to see her and turned toward sickbay.

Her office was empty, but McCoy looked up from his desk. "Jim. This is a pleasant surprise. To what do I owe this visit?"

Kirk didn't try to make up an excuse. "I need to talk to Doctor Chapel."

McCoy frowned. "You sure I can't help you? One doctor's pretty much like the other here."

Kirk smiled grimly. "I'm sure I need her, Bones."

"She's in her quarters, I think. I told her to take a break. She should be back anytime now. You want to wait?"

"I can't." Kirk turned to walk out.

"Is everything all right, Jim?"

"Fine." He didn't look back as he walked out and to the lift. "Deck five." When the doors opened, he walked past his quarters and down the hall to hers. He rang the chime but there was no answer. He rang again, his hand resting against the entry panel, and was surprised when the door opened. He realized that she must have programmed it to allow him entry and was touched at the gesture.

He walked into the small living room. She wasn't there, so he continued to the bedroom. She was curled up on the bed, still in her uniform, her hand thrown over her face. He sat down and gently moved her hand away. She sighed and he smiled. She looked so peaceful, so innocent. He touched her face gently, then pulled away, intending to leave her alone to rest until he realized she was looking up at him sleepily.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."

She didn't say anything, just moved over a bit and patted the bed next to her. Just for a few minutes, he decided, checking the chrono. She smiled gently as he lay down beside her, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her to him.

She kissed him sleepily, the gentle touch more comforting than arousing. He kissed her back, then buried his face in her neck.

"What is it?"

He shook his head slightly. "Later. Go back to sleep now."

"But--"

"--Shh. Sleep. You need it." He felt her relax against him. Her breathing slipped easily back into the slow, deep rhythm of sleep. The sound of it relaxed him and he drifted off slightly, hovering somewhere between true sleep and wakefulness until her alarm beeped gently a quarter hour later.

She reached over and turned it off. Looking down at him, she mussed his hair gently. "This is nice."

He nodded, closing his eyes as her touch became firmer. "Feels good." He felt her lips on his. "That feels good too."

"It does. And we have no time to enjoy it," she said regretfully.

"I'm enjoying this." He ran his index finger down her nose. "You don't think I only want you for sex, do you?"

"No." She leaned down and kissed him again. "But maybe that's what I want you for?"

He laughed.

"Besides, you make everything into sex."

He shot her a disbelieving look.

She smiled. "I'm serious. Everything with you is about sex. This--" she kissed him. "And this--" she mimicked his touching her nose. "Talking, eating, walking, breathing. It's all sex with you." She leaned in and whispered, "And I love it."

"That's because you're the same way," he whispered back, then pulled her down for a long, passionate kiss. Then he pushed her away and sat up. "And we both need to get back to duty."

"Did something happen? You looked so sad when you woke me up."

He could feel his face tighten. "I went to see Spock. In engineering."

"And it didn't go well?"

"Go well? It didn't go anywhere. He didn't even acknowledge I was there."

She touched his hand. "I'm sorry, Jim."

"Doesn't matter." He pulled her to him again, kissed her hard. When he pulled away, he saw that she didn't look convinced.

----------------------

"Medical team to the bridge. Repeat, medical team to the bridge."

Chapel frowned at the urgency in Uhura's voice and rose quickly, motioning for a medic to come with her. They hurried down the corridor to the turbolift.

As the doors opened on the bridge, Kirk looked up at her. Their eyes locked for a moment, until Uhura turned and said, "Oh good. Christine, it's Chekov."

She looked over at him and made a face at the obvious pain he felt. Kneeling down, she said, "Medic," gesturing for the hypo.

"I can stop his pain," the young Deltan that was sitting with Chekov said. She closed her eyes and Chekov suddenly breathed easier and said, "Thank you."

For a second, Chapel wondered why the Deltan had waited this long to help him when his pain was so obvious but then she smiled and Chapel felt herself responding. So this was Ilia. Chapel had read her file, but she hadn't expected the feelings the woman engendered in her. The power of pheromones, she thought, as she began to spray Chekov's hand with the dermaplast.

"You're Doctor Chapel?" Ilia asked in a whisper.

Chapel nodded. The Deltan gave her a tender smile. "You're a friend of Will's. He told me about you." She looked toward the exec, her look one of both love and longing.

Chapel wasn't sure what to say. She had the feeling Ilia was wooing her, wanted her on her side. Decker had mentioned that there was a woman in his past, one who he regretted leaving behind. Chapel finally understood the haunted look he occasionally wore. Chapel glanced at her again, and Ilia just grinned and gracefully pushed herself from the deck. She made her way to her seat and Chapel found herself watching her. Then she realized everyone on the bridge was. Except Spock. And Kirk. She almost laughed in bitter amusement.

She helped Chekov up and led him to the lift, listening to Kirk, Spock, and Decker as they discussed their options. Decker was the voice of reason, trying to make Kirk see the error of rushing in blindly. You wouldn't have lasted five minutes on his Enterprise, Chapel thought to herself, as she watched Decker walk away in frustration when Kirk ordered the ship into the cloud.

The doors closed but not before she caught a view of the cloud in the viewscreen. It was amazing. Once in sickbay, she led Chekov to a biobed. "Hop up. I know you're eager to get back, but I have to make sure that a surface burn is the worst thing you're suffering from."

He did as she asked and the quick scan showed nothing else wrong. McCoy walked out of his office, watching her work with an odd expression on his face. She hadn't realized he was back. Indicating Chekov could get down, she turned to McCoy. "You should get up to the bridge, Len. It's really spectacular."

He smiled. "Don't mind if I do," he said. "Come on, Chekov. We've had enough lollygagging out of you."

They filed out, leaving her alone with the sickbay staff. She went back to work, only to look up when McCoy came in again and told her what had happened to Ilia. She felt an immeasurable sadness when she heard about the murder of the young Deltan. And Decker...how much worse would this be for him? He'd lost so much already.

"Intruder alert, intruder alert," the intercom system sounded and McCoy ran out.

He was back a few minutes later with Ilia in tow, Kirk and Spock filing in behind. Chapel felt a surge of hope that there had been some mistake and Ilia was alive. Until she scanned the navigator and realized that there was little left that was Deltan.

Decker came in and the probe stared at him. Chapel saw an echo of the look Ilia had given Decker on the bridge. Maybe they could use that? As the probe left with Decker, Chapel headed to Ilia's quarters. Using her accesses to enter the room, she rummaged through the closet until she found a beaded headdress. Looking it up in the database, she saw that its purpose was largely ceremonial, used in a Deltan mating ritual.

"Chapel to Decker."

His answer was immediate. "A little busy here, Doctor."

"Bring her to her quarters. I've got something to show you."

McCoy and Decker arrived with the probe, and Chapel held out the headdress. The probe frowned.

"I remember Lieutenant Ilia once mentioning she wore that," Chapel lied.

The probe didn't move.

"Put it on," Chapel ordered her, taking the beaded strands from her and settling it on her head the way the images had shown it should be worn in the database. She turned Ilia toward the mirror.

"On Delta, remember?" Decker said gently.

"Ilia?" Chapel asked.

The probe looked at her, her expression changed. "Doctor Chapel."

Chapel hadn't expected the woman to remember her from the brief encounter on the bridge.

The probe turned to Decker. She reached for his face. "Will?"

"Ilia," he said, satisfaction in his gaze.

McCoy stopped the moment, "Commander. Commander. This is a mechanism."

Decker seemed to come out of a trance. He started to question Ilia, asked her to help them against V'ger. It seemed to be the old Ilia answering for a moment, then the probe took over, pulling the headdress off and turning away.

Chapel watched them leave, then headed back to sickbay. She wasn't sure that they had accomplished anything, but perhaps any connection they established with what was left of Ilia would help?

Her reverie was interrupted by the abrupt arrival of Kirk and McCoy, an unconscious Spock between them.

"What happened?" she asked, fearing that Spock had also been turned into a probe.

"Went out there. Tried to meld with V'ger," Kirk gritted as he laid Spock on the biobed. Ignoring McCoy, he turned to her. "Help him?"

"Of course," she grabbed a neuroscanner and walked over to the bed where Spock lay unresponsive although his eyes were open. Her heart pounding, she held the scanner to his head and said, "Now scanning pons area, spinal nerve fiber connection."

She watched the display as McCoy speculated on what the mind meld could have done to Spock's brain. Looking down she saw the Vulcan's eyes flicker and come to life.

Kirk saw it too. "Spock."

"Jim." Spock actually smiled. "I should have known."

"Were you right? About V'ger?"

H