DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters
are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and
Viacom. The story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and are
copyright (c) 2015 by Djinn. This story is Rated PG-13.
Not Even a Choice
by Djinn
Kathryn
is drifting out of consciousness, calling for people Chakotay doesnÕt know, then calling for people he does. He thinks she will never
call out his name, and it makes him mad that he matters so little to her after
all he has done to find her. Then she finally does call for him, and it hurts
more than being left out because she sounds so disappointed, the fever making her
voice crackle more than it would normally as she says, ÒChakotay, why did you
leave me?Ó
He
supposes that is her truth: that he left her. She canÕt—or wonÕt—admit
that she left him long before he went off with Seven, trying to forge a life of
his own, one that wouldnÕt be dominated by his captainÕs whiskey voice and
trying ways.
He
failed. Even a former Borg could tell he wasnÕt in love with her, not in the
way that mattered.
But
he had loved Seven in his fashion. And he had tried to
make it work.
Annika.
He should call her Annika. ItÕs what she goes by now. The last of the Borg
implants came off last year. She is serving with Captain Picard now. She says
he understands the Borg, that he was one.
Chakotay
was one, too, or he thinks he was. Riley linked him to her collective. But he
wasnÕt one the way Seven was, the way Picard was, or the
way Kathryn was.
He
gets up and walks over to his CMOÕs office. ÒHow is she?Ó
ÒOther
than delirious?Ó Collins looks up from his terminal. ÒSheÕs out of the woods,
Captain.Ó
ÒGood.Ó
ÒSir,
not to belabor a point, but Starfleet has asked my opinion on your actions the
past few days.Ó
Chakotay
grins, and CollinsÕ serious expression falls away. ÒYou mean how I disregarded
our standing directive to catalog planets for five minerals now designated as Ôhigh
priorityÕ thanks to some new gizmo and went tearing off to find a shuttle that
was reported lost with all hands?Ó
ÒThose
would be the actions, yes.Ó Collins reaches behind him, pulls out some brandy
and lifts it up, his eyebrows making the question: Does Chakotay want some?
ÒNo.
IÕm fine.Ó He does sit down, though, the chair familiar and comfortable. HeÕs
spent plenty of time in here, conferring with a man who started out as a random
pick for CMO of the Delacroix and has
turned into a friend.
ÒChakotay,
I know the history here. Or I assume I do. There were plenty of stories
circulating after Voyager came home.Ó
Chakotay
smiles; heÕs read those stories. None of them got it right. But then how could
they? Even he doesnÕt understand his relationship with the woman he may have
just ruined his career for.
ÒItÕs
also been my experience that youÕll talk about anything except the issues that
matter most. IÕve never heard you mention Kathryn Janeway,
yet here you sit, in sickbay, watching over her.Ó
ÒWell,
to be fair to my work ethic, I am off shift.Ó Chakotay grins.
Collins
laughs. ÒAnd you should be eating and sleeping, but no, youÕre here. SheÕs
important to you. Any idiot can see that.Ó
ÒAnd
youÕre not an idiot.Ó He slouches down in the chair, leaning his head back and
staring at the ceiling tiles. ÒSome actions...theyÕre reflex.Ó
ÒMuscle
memory?Ó
ÒRight.Ó
ÒSo,
itÕs not that youÕre in love with this woman? The man who put aside a cause to
help her bring the crew home.Ó
Chakotay
sits back up and meets CollinsÕ eyes. ÒTechnically, those two things donÕt have
to be related.Ó
ÒTrue.
And youÕre not going to tell me if IÕm right about the first one, are you?Ó
ÒNope.Ó
He grins again.
ÒFine,
then go back to staring dreamily—or morosely, IÕve seen both expressions
on your face when you watch her—and let me write my reports in peace.Ó
Chakotay
gets up and walks to the door, then he turns around. ÒSo,
what are you going to tell Command?Ó
ÒThat
the minerals could wait. Admiral Janeway would have
died without our intervention.Ó
He
smiles. ÒThank you, Nick.Ó
Collins
waves him out and puts the brandy back in the cabinet. ÒCheapest date ever. You
never want any of my stash.Ó
ÒNot
much of a drinker.Ó But he was, during the nights on Voyager, when Kathryn let him think that maybe, finally, sheÕd let
him in—and then didnÕt. He gave up drinking when he gave up on Kathryn. Seven
never had to see him drunk.
Then
again, neither did Kathryn. Chakotay tended to be a quiet drunk who took antitox before going to bed so he was ready in case there
was an emergency. No muss, no fuss. He kept what he was feeling inside.
Collins
wasnÕt wrong about that.
##
Janeway wakes, expecting the hard rocky ground and iffy
atmosphere of the moon the shuttle crashed on, but instead she is met with the
unmistakable feel of recycled air, a bed beneath her, and the sound of soft
snoring. She turns her head slowly, unsure how badly it will hurt, and is
pleased to feel no pain. SheÕs tired and her body aches in general, but the
movement itself doesnÕt seem to cause any problems.
Which
was not the case on the moon. She was sure she was going to
die—alone—on that moon.
She
tries to see whoÕs snoring, but between the low lights and the fact that
whoever is snoring is sitting just out of her field of vision, she canÕt tell
who it is.
She
considers shifting, but she appears to be safe and sheÕs so damned tired—does
it matter who is snoring? Someone has found her. And she canÕt keep her eyes
open so whoever it is will have to wait for her to say thanks, or to try to
talk them out of holding her hostage, if they arenÕt friendlies.
The
ship feels Starfleet, though. Something about it.
She
closes her eyes and falls back to sleep.
When
she wakes again, the lights are brighter and thereÕs no one snoring.
ÒWell,
youÕre awake, Admiral.Ó A man she doesnÕt recognize, wearing commanderÕs pips,
walks over. ÒIÕm Doctor Collins. YouÕre on the Delacroix.Ó
She
starts to laugh and the laugh turns into a hacking cough.
ÒCareful
there. YouÕve had a bad infection. Your respiratory system was especially
compromised.Ó He scans her, then gives her a hypo of
something. ÒI take it you know whose ship this is and that the thought amuses
you?Ó
She
nods, not wanting to try talking if that painful cough is the result. Her ribs felt
like they were broken when she was coughing—but they donÕt hurt now that sheÕs
lying quietly.
ÒWe
were nowhere near your location.Ó
ÒI
know,Ó she says so softly sheÕs practically mouthing it.
ÒOur
captain was most concerned about you. Slept in that chair.Ó
Ah.
The snorer. She smiles.
ÒI
trust youÕll make sure he doesnÕt get court-martialed for saying a big Ôscrew
youÕ to his standing orders?Ó
She
grins and nods. ÒIs he a good captain?Ó she asks, not sure if he will hear her.
ÒHeÕs
a very good captain. I donÕt want to see him thrown in the brig over you.Ó He scans
her again. ÒYour readings are much better. But you still need rest. The cough
suppressant I gave you has a mild sedative in it. YouÕll sleep the rest of ChakotayÕs shift.Ó
ÒConvenient.Ó
He
grins. ÒThe man would probably like to see you awake for once, you know? HeÕs
sat enough nights at your bedside. The word devotion comes to mind, Admiral.Ó
Collins
looks so stern she feels as if she is talking to Tuvok.
He looks a little like Tuvok, minus the Vulcan
aspects.
ÒMy
angry warrior,Ó she whispers.
ÒI
assume you mean Chakotay and not me?Ó
She
laughs—silently this time—and nods. ÒThank you for saving me.Ó
ÒThe
captain saved you. I just did medical stuff.Ó He smiles gently at her. ÒBut I
had a friend on Voyager who you
brought home. Consider me a fan who is happy to do his part.Ó He pats her on
the shoulder and leaves her to fall asleep.
##
Chakotay
walks into sickbay and sees that Kathryn is sitting up and eating a light meal.
ÒYouÕre awake.Ó
She
puts her spoon down and smiles at him. Then her expression turns stern. ÒYou
took a big risk coming to get me.Ó She seems to be whispering and he frowns. ÒDonÕt
worry. Your doctor cleared me to talk. I just canÕt do it too loudly or I start
coughing.Ó
He
pulls a stool over to her bed and sits down on it. ÒI didnÕt really think
through my decision to find you.Ó
ÒWhat
a surprise.Ó She grins wryly—the grin he remembers from the years on Voyager. When they were still close. Before
everything fell apart.
He
stopped liking her in those last years. But he never stopped loving her. He
wonders what heÕll end up feeling now, with her on his ship, and Earth a long
way away.
Which
doesnÕt mean Command wonÕt send some ship in the vicinity to whisk her away
from him.
ÒHow
are you feeling?Ó he asks.
ÒMy
ribs hurt when I cough. My body aches all over. But IÕm alive. I thought I was
dying on that moon.Ó
ÒYou
were dying on that moon.Ó He takes a deep breath. ÒWhen I saw you lying there,
so still...Ó
She
meets his eyes, hers more curious than anything else. ÒYou havenÕt talked to me
in two years, Chakotay. You and Seven have been over for the last six months. You
can imagine my surprise that it was you who rescued me. I was under the
impression that you didnÕt like me very much.Ó Her voice grows louder as she goes
on and she starts to cough.
ÒEasy.Ó
He rubs her back and waits out the coughing fit. ÒI didnÕt like you very much,
Kathryn. But then you didnÕt seem to like me very much, either.Ó He lets her go
when she finally stops coughing. ÒLike you or not, I still made a promise to be
at your side when you needed me.Ó
ÒAnd
here you are.Ó She leans back against the pillows. ÒDamn, I hate feeling this
weak.Ó
ÒYouÕre
never weak. YouÕre just ill.Ó He feels the old barriers coming up, the ones heÕs
built to protect his heart from her. ÒIÕm going to let you finish your dinner
in peace.Ó
ÒReally?
You sit by my bed every night while IÕm unconscious but five minutes with me
awake and youÕre fleeing...again.Ó
He
forces himself not to look at her. ÒI didnÕt desert you. You want to make it
about me, but itÕs not. I loved you, but you wouldnÕt let me in.Ó He gets up. ÒIf
we talk, weÕll fight. If we fight, youÕll cough. In the interest of you getting
better, IÕll leave you alone.Ó
He
hurries out. He can hear footsteps behind him, sees that itÕs Collins. ÒWhat?Ó
ÒNothing.
IÕm off shift. Thought IÕd go to the lounge with you.Ó
ÒIÕm
not going to the lounge.Ó Although he wants to. Oh,
but he wants to.
ÒShe
infuriates you.Ó
ÒMaster
of the obvious. Well done.Ó Chakotay hurries onto the lift, hoping Collins will
change his mind.
He
doesnÕt.
ÒIÕm
going to bed, Doc. You going to come tuck me in?Ó
ÒDo
you want me to?Ó Collins is laughing softly. ÒYou risk everything to find her, Chakotay,
and canÕt last ten minutes with her without storming out? I thought you were a
mellow kind of guy but obviously I was mistaken.Ó
ÒShe
brings out my passionate side. ItÕs not my best trait.Ó He leans his head back
against the wall of the lift and closes his eyes. ÒMaybe itÕs obsession. The
inability to let go.Ó
ÒMaybe
sheÕs just a damned difficult woman. IÕm willing to buy that.Ó Collins gestures
for Chakotay to precede him off the lift. ÒBut answer me this, sir. I know sheÕs
hurt you. I can see it in your eyes. I know you love
her—hell, she knows you love her. I could
see it in her eyes last night.Ó
ÒYour
question? I assume there is one?Ó
ÒThis
whole time since Voyager got back. SheÕs
never been romantically linked to anyone. Why do you suppose that is?Ó
ÒSo?
And how the hell do you know if she has been or not?Ó
ÒI
was just guessing. But you clearly know. Have your spies, do you?Ó
Chakotay
shakes his head. But he does. BÕElanna keeps him up
to date. She always knows what their former captain is up to.
ÒIÕm
going to dare you to go back to sickbay. Sit down and talk to her. SheÕs bored
and sheÕs probably scared—but wonÕt admit it—by how close she came
to dying. And I think you both have things you need to say—and hear. I
didnÕt sign up to work for a coward. Moreover, I know you arenÕt one.Ó His
smile is gentle as he turns Chakotay around and pushes him back toward the
lift.
ÒYour
bedside manner is terrible, Nick.Ó
ÒThatÕs
not what my wife says.Ó His laughter trails down the corridor until he
disappears into his quarters.
Chakotay
stands in front of the open lift, debating. Then he steps in and retraces his
steps.
##
Janeway sits in her suddenly too hard bed, in this ship
that is not her own. She wants to get up and comm
Starfleet Command, wants to order them to get a ship
out to take her home. Now.
Home.
What the hell does that even mean anymore? Home was her ship; home was her
crew. Home was Earth and the Alpha Quadrant—a place she nearly lost her
soul getting them back to.
A
place she hates being stuck on.
She
hears footsteps, familiar after seven years. ÒYouÕre back.Ó She says it too
loudly and begins to cough.
This
time he doesnÕt try to help her. Just takes the stool next to her bed and waits
out her coughing fit.
He
does, however, pour her a glass of water once sheÕs done.
ÒThanks.Ó
He
nods.
ÒOh.
The silent treatment?Ó
ÒI
can talk.Ó
ÒWell,
thatÕs great, Chakotay. But you staring at me like IÕm the enemy isnÕt really
adding to my comfort level.Ó
ÒYou
are the enemy.Ó
She
lets her eyebrow go up. ÒCare to explain that comment?Ó
He
nods slowly, and she thinks he may be going to take the oblique path, tell her
some new version of the Angry Warrior story. But he surprises her, saying only,
ÒEvery time I try to move on, try to forget you, I canÕt. I see you. Or I read
your name in a report. Or you manage to crash your shuttle and I rush off to
find you, mission be damned.Ó
ÒWell,
I may be the enemy, but IÕm a damned grateful one. I wasnÕt ready to die.Ó She gives
him the smile she knows heÕs had a hard time resisting in the past.
And
nothing has changed. He smiles—and it is a reflex she can tell he is
trying to bite back as soon as itÕs out. But it was there, that sunny
expression—the one she loves.
The
one that made her fall in love with him.
SheÕs
never told him. CouldnÕt tell him. Loving him—being with him—would
have gotten in the way of the mission: get Voyager
home.
ÒIÕd
never let you die if I could help you.Ó
ÒI
uh...I wasnÕt sure. I thought I was going to die. The idea of you finding
me—after all this time has passed with no contact... Well, you can excuse
me for thinking my Angry Warrior had decided I wasnÕt worth his fidelity.Ó
He
looks down. His mouth seems tight. Has she gone too far?
She
is barely getting started. ÒYou left me. For Seven.Ó
ÒYou
left me. For a cause that only you seemed to think was worth selling your soul
for, Kathryn. DonÕt pin this on me. I did the only healthy thing I could do. I
found someone else.Ó
ÒAnd
look how well that worked out.Ó
She
can tell heÕs thinking about getting up and stalking out again. But he takes a
deep breath and stays seated. ÒI think I was the final step in
Seven—Annika—making the leap from Borg to Human. I was privileged
to serve in that capacity. SheÕs an extraordinary woman.Ó
Now
it is JanewayÕs turn to tighten her lips.
ÒGuess
the truth hurts, huh, Admiral?Ó
ÒNo,
being left behind hurts.Ó
ÒI
would have chosen you a hundred times. You didnÕt want me.Ó
ÒI
did want you.Ó She says it too forcefully and starts to cough. She should not
be yelling things at him. Especially not that. One of
the nurses has turned around, then quickly pretends to
be doing something else.
ÒIs
that why you arenÕt with anyone?Ó His voice is gentle now. His expression,
however, gives no quarter.
ÒWho
says IÕm not with anyone?Ó
Disappointment
shines in his eyes, and she looks away. Does he really expect her to answer
that question? Does he really think sheÕll tell him that yes, sheÕs found
everyone else sub par after being in love with him?
Knowing
Chakotay and his way of speaking whatÕs in his heart no matter how inconvenient
the time, he probably does expect her to say those things.
ÒCatching
up has been nice,Ó she whispers, Òbut IÕm suddenly very tired.Ó
ÒNaturally.Ó
He gets up quickly and strides out, no backward look, and she wonders if sheÕll
see him again before they get to wherever her transfer will be waiting.
It
angers her how much it bothers her that he can do that—walk away from
her. Again.
Even
if it is her own damn fault.
##
Chakotay
hears the lift doors open, can tell by the cadence of the footsteps that thereÕs
an admiral on the bridge. He can also tell by the way sheÕs walking that sheÕs
tired herself out with this impromptu trip.
He
doesnÕt turn around as he asks, ÒDoc clear you for day trips, Admiral?Ó
ÒVery
funny.Ó She walks around the bridge, taking it in, smiling in that way she has
at his crew—making them sit taller, smile proudly. She can still do that.
Can still own a room—even if itÕs his.
Then
she turns and walks over to him. She doesnÕt say anything, just studies him. He
tries to fight the smile but he canÕt—this is so quintessentially
Kathryn. Put him on notice—hell, make him feel like heÕs on
inspection—all without saying a word.
ÒDo
I pass?Ó he asks softly. ÒWhatever it is youÕre judging?Ó
She
seems to frown, then shrugs. ÒNot judging. Just watching.Ó
He
stands up. ÒDenatra, you have the con.Ó
His
first officer moves to his chair. SheÕs a tiny thing and doesnÕt fill the chair
out the way he does, but sheÕs got some of KathrynÕs spirit, can appear bigger
than she is—especially when sheÕs mad. Usually at something Starfleet
wants them to do.
He
nods for Kathryn to precede him into his ready room. Once sheÕs seated, he hits
his comm terminal, ÒChakotay to Collins.Ó
ÒCollins
here, sir.Ó
ÒMissing
a patient?Ó
ÒYes,
I am. Tell her sheÕs in trouble, will you?Ó
Chaoktay grins. ÒPunish her with that horrible energy
drink you make me choke down.Ó
ÒIs
she still ambulatory? I didnÕt clear her for away missions.Ó
Chakotay
laughs. ÒI donÕt think she cares.Ó
Kathryn
shrugs in a throwaway manner—when have orders every mattered to her?
Only—how
does he know? In the Delta Quadrant, there was no one higher up to give her any
orders. She may be fine with them.
ÒWell,
call me if she collapses.Ó By the lilt in CollinÕs voice, Chakotay can tell heÕs
not serious.
ÒWill
do. Chakotay out.Ó
He
sits back and tries to study her the way she did him, but he fails to make her
anything but amused. Her smile is the slow, sexy one she used to give him all
the time when they were first blending their crews on Voyager, the one she let fall away as the years went by.
ÒWhat
are you doing up here, Admiral.Ó
She
laughs. ÒReally. Rank?Ó She shakes her head. ÒYou always look so disappointed
in me.Ó
ÒI
do? Me—the forsaker? The
one who runs away?Ó He can feel it, the need to fight, to make her admit just
once that she was the one who ran by pushing him away. He would have stayed by
her side forever if sheÕd have just let him in.
ÒSeven
was a child.Ó The words come out of her like projectiles, like sheÕs been
holding this in forever.
ÒSeven
was a na•ve woman, not a child. And Annika is not the point, Kathryn. She has
never been the goddamned point.Ó He closes his eyes, tries to slow his
breathing, can feel it in his chest: the heartbeat of the damned—those
who love this woman too much.
He
usually is a mellow sort. Spiritual, even. Until he gets around her. She is the fire that warms
him—but it burns out of control, and he isnÕt sure she even cares how
many times itÕs almost consumed him.
He
gets up and stalks to the viewscreen, not looking at
her, deliberately not, because how can he when he is saying, ÒIÕll call
Command. TheyÕll send a shuttle. You can be off my ship and weÕll never have
to—Ó
ÒI
love you.Ó
He
doesnÕt turn, but he does stop talking. He can hear his heartbeat in his ears,
fast, so damn fast, a beat that matches the cadence of her steps as she marched
onto his bridge.
ÒDid
you hear me?Ó
He
wonÕt turn. This is a joke, her idea—a sick one.
He
hears her get up, and he clutches the frame of the viewscreen,
closing his eyes for a moment.
ÒWarriors
arenÕt much good when theyÕre this afraid.Ó Her voice is low and gravelly and
it makes him want her more, not less. HeÕs always loved the harshness of her
voice in contrast to the silk of her skin, the warmth of her smile. Her
dichotomies have always been his undoing.
ÒIÕm
not afraid, Kathryn. IÕm cautious. I can learn from experience.Ó
She
moves between him and the viewscreen, slipping her
slight frame easily beneath his arm, resting her hands on his chest, the way
she used to do—or did she? Did he just fantasize that she did? HeÕs not
sure anymore. WhatÕs real and whatÕs imagined?
ÒWhy
did you save me?Ó she asks, her eyes boring into his so he closes his again,
doesnÕt want to see her look at him this way. ÒChakotay, I need to know.Ó
ÒIt
wasnÕt even a choice, Kathryn. I will always save you.Ó He eases away.
ÒBut
I wonÕt save you—thatÕs what you think, isnÕt it?Ó
ÒYou
saved me plenty of times. On Voyager.Ó
He steps to the back door of his ready room and palms it open. ÒYou can find
sickbay on your own? IÕm needed on the bridge. IÕm sure you understand that.Ó
He
expects that to hurt her, but instead she grins.
With
a laugh that is really just expelled breath, she walks to the door and palms it
shut. ÒYouÕve grown a pair.Ó
He
reaches for the door control, but she grabs his hand.
ÒIÕm
alone, on Earth, Chakotay, not because no one wants me, but because I want you.Ó
She is staring up at him, her expression ferocious, as if she is furious with
him—but itÕs also the face he was so used to seeing in the Delta
Quadrant. Resolved and passionate—but heÕs never had it turned on him: heÕs
never been her mission. ÒI nearly died. I nearly died...alone. I nearly died
without you knowing the truth.Ó She touches his cheek, her expression changing
to the tender one he loves. ÒBut I understand why you might think this is too
little too late. I understand that I...Ó She dashes her hand across her eyes
and he realizes she is crying. He canÕt remember the last time he saw her cry.
ÒThat I forced you to go. To her.Ó
She
slams her palm onto the door control and hurries out, leaving him standing.
But only for a moment. He catches her before she gets to the
lift, pushing her back against the wall with more force than he means to. He
sees her wince and he murmurs that heÕs sorry, so sorry.
She
never says sheÕs sorry. She probably never will.
But
thatÕs okay because sheÕs pulling him down and sheÕs kissing him, and itÕs like
nothing heÕs imagined. ThereÕs always been control when sheÕs with him,
distance and barriers and her goddamned parameters. But this time, thereÕs
nothing but her in his arms, and he thinks she is crying again, but he doesnÕt
want to pull away to find out.
She
loves him. ItÕs the sweetest thing, the only thing. HeÕll trade a thousand
apologies to hear her say it again.
He
eases away, trying to memorize how she looks, just in case she changes her mind
the way she seemed to on the ship so many times, backtracking three or four
steps for every one they made forward.
ÒIÕm
tired,Ó she says, and in the past it would have been the start of that
backtracking, but now she just seems tired. Hurt and ill but
not unhappy, not wary. Her eyes are gentle as she looks at him.
ÒLetÕs
get you back to sickbay.Ó
She
nods. ÒI like your CMO.Ó
He
grins. ÒMe, too. He understands me.Ó
ÒI
understand you, too. I always have. I just...Ó She takes a deep breath. ÒI canÕt
apologize, Chakotay, for pushing you away. Even if it killed
me. I had to get us home.Ó
And
he knows this is her truth. Even if there were times he thought they could have
stayed in the Delta Quadrant, found a new home, seeded humans farther than theyÕd
been, that had never been a workable solution for her.
ÒI
know,Ó he says, because he canÕt say itÕs all right, even if heÕs willing to
live with it.
She
seems to understand and puts her arm around him and lets him help her to the
lift. She actually leans on him, and as the lift doors close she says, ÒI am
sorry it took something like this to make me tell you how I feel.Ó
ÒYouÕve
had six months.Ó
ÒSo
have you. You never came. I know every time youÕre on Earth.Ó
He
thinks he should find that disconcerting, but the idea that she cares enough to
keep tabs on him is a wonderful surprise. ÒWeÕre doing it now.Ó
She
nods, and he can tell by the way she slumps against him that she is more than
tired: she is exhausted. He imagines only some of it is from the effort of
escaping sickbay. He thinks these truths might take far more of her strength.
ÒI
miss our dinners.Ó She glances up at him, and he sees the tenderness of
nostalgia in her expression, for what they had, their special time.
He
nods. HeÕs missed them since the dinners stopped, long before they were home. ÒI
have a replicator in my quarters.Ó
She
laughs softly and he grins at the sound.
ÒIf
you donÕt mind not being the captain, we could eat together. Once Collins
clears you for that.Ó
ÒIÕd
like that.Ó She eases away just before the lift opens, murmuring something
about decorum. But then she gives him a look heÕs never gotten from her. Frank
and open and wanting.
There
is a conference room between the lift and sickbay and itÕs free, so he pushes
her into it and tells the computer to lock the doors.
Her
eyebrows go up, but her eyes are sparkling. ÒMy, you think you have the run of
this ship, donÕt you?Ó
ÒI
do have the run of this ship,Ó he says, grinning in the way only she can make
him do. He pushes a chair away with his foot and lifts her onto the table,
kissing her for a very long time. HeÕd do more, but she is weak, and heÕs not
sure if the conference room is booked, and despite having the run of his ship,
he also cares about being a good captain. He does understand that and she looks
a little surprised when he lets her down.
ÒI
expected more.Ó
ÒSome
desperate grappling?Ó
She
shrugs and gives him a sheepish grin.
ÒWe
have time. And I have quarters. Once youÕre cleared.Ó
She
reaches up, running her hand through his hair. ÒI like this you. Captain
Chakotay.Ó
ÒI
like him, too.Ó
She
pulls him down, murmuring that he needs to kiss her again, and he indulges
her—and himself. So many fantasies coming true as she reaches down and
makes him moan. ÒIÕm still the admiral,Ó she says when he shoots her a
surprised look—she doesnÕt move her hand and her grin is positively
wicked. ÒHave to keep you on your toes.Ó
He
laughs because itÕs so her, and heÕs all right with that. HeÕs hers and maybe,
just maybe, sheÕs his.
But
he pushes her hand away. Because sheÕs ill and she should be
in sickbay. And heÕs not going to stop looking out for her now.
They
walk together to sickbay, and he gets her settled, laughing softly as Collins
reads her the riot act in his gently targeted way. Then once his CMO has gone
back to his office, he sits down next to her bed.
She
studies him and finally smiles. ÒYou want to hear me say it again, donÕt you?Ó
He
nods.
ÒI
love you.Ó
He
closes his eyes and imagines being able to go back to the version of himself
that festered and hurt on Voyager. To
tell himself that someday, when heÕd given up hope, heÕd get her.
ÒI
love you, too,Ó he says, and for once he doesnÕt have to walk on eggshells
around her. He can lean down and kiss her forehead and tell her to sleep, and she
actually does what he says. He watches her for a minute before he turns to head
back to the bridge.
ÒI
let her escape,Ó Collins says as he passes his office.
He
stops so Collins can see him grinning. ÒI know.Ó
FIN