DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters
are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are
the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2010 by Djinn. This
story is Rated R.
Nearest Distant Shore
by Djinn
It's not as far as it might seem; now it's time to
let go of old dreams.
Every heart for itself--swim to the nearest distant
shore.
--
Nearest Distant Shore by Gary Harrison and Tim Menzies
The
room was unbearably hot, and Chapel found it hard to catch her breath. Sweat trickled down between her breasts as
Spock eased away from her.
He
didn't kiss her. He never did
afterwards.
She
got up, pulled on her uniform, and left.
Leaving
like this, no embraces, no goodbyes, it was how they worked. If you could call this working, this thing
they had, this relationship that wasn't.
She
wandered to the mess hall, grabbed a coffee and found a table in the back of
the room.
"Can't
sleep?" Jim was running his hand
through his hair, looked like he had just come from the gym.
"Haven't
tried." She could tell he was taking in how she
looked. She usually spent some time in
Spock's bathroom, cleaning up before she left with no goodbye. She'd forgotten to do that tonight. How bad did she look?
She rubbed under her eyes, as if she could get rid of the signs of sex-smeared
makeup. As if it wasn't too late.
As
if this man didn't know exactly how she looked after sex.
He
got coffee and brought it back. He sat
without being asked, watching her as she sipped her coffee and tried to look
like she hadn't been having sex with his best friend only moments before.
"Is
this making you happy?"
"Is
what making me happy?"
He
smiled tightly. "One thing Decker
could have spent more time on is the soundproofing."
She
could feel herself flush. The annoying, full body flush that she'd never learned to stop, no
matter how much she wanted to.
Spock's
quarters shared a wall with Jim's.
His
eyebrows lifted, a touche of
sorts. "So. Is it?"
"That's
really none of your business, soundproofing issues notwithstanding."
"You
didn't wait," he said, as if she'd said nothing. "You saw your opening, and you went for
it."
"Excuse me?"
"V'ger. The meld. Spock's openness. He
was ripe for the picking and you picked."
"Seems
to me you're an expert on that."
"That's
not fair."
"No?" She rolled her eyes, stirred her coffee even
though it was well stirred already, desperate for something to do other than
meet his gaze. Because he wasn't wrong,
even if she wouldn't give him what he wanted.
She had swooped. The man she'd wanted for years had been open
to her. It was just her dumb luck that the
openness wasn't seeming to last.
But
what did Jim want? Contrition? A promise not to do it
again? A
request for transfer?
He
was staring at her, not letting her off the hook. "Are you going to tell me you didn't
swoop in?"
"If
I did, then I'm getting what I deserved, right?" She gestured at the table, at the mess hall,
at the two of them. "He's sleeping
like a baby and I'm..."
"And
you're sitting here, overcaffeinating."
"What's
your excuse, Jim?"
"I
don't have one." He settled in,
drank his coffee and then got up to fill his mug back up. When she finished hers, he refilled that,
too. Didn't ask how she wanted it. Didn't need to--he knew how she liked it.
"So
how is Lori, sir?"
"Drop
the sir, Chris."
"That's a deflection. How is your
wife?" She put as much of a kick in the word wife as she could.
"She
decided not to renew our marriage.
Shocking, I know."
She
felt something hit her, like a fist to the gut.
"And you didn't even call. Boy, don't I feel special."
"You
were assigned here. You weren't going to
be around."
"How
convenient for you. No
embarrassing mistress on your doorstep."
She wanted to throw her coffee at him, opted not to. She was mad and possibly an idiot when it
came to men, but she knew better than to throw scalding hot liquid at a superior
officer--even one she'd slept with.
"I
never considered you my mistress. I thought
Lori and I were over when you and I--"
"Look, just save it, okay?"
She laughed softly, the sound bitter and ugly. "You were unhappy. You looked for someone nearby who was as far
from Lori as you could get. I happened
to be in your line of sight. I get
it." She leaned in. "It wasn't like you were in love
me. Wasn't like you
had been for years. So you see,
what I did with Spock--what I'm doing with Spock--is nothing like what you did
to me."
He
met her eyes. His weren't soft or
sympathetic. They were hard. Angry. "You never complained about what I did
to you."
"I
had no complaints. For an affair, it was
hunky dory."
"But
this is love? This
screwing and then leaving Spock's quarters before morning. Your walk of shame starts a bit earlier than
mine ever did when I left your apartment."
"It's
not the same thing."
"What
you're doing isn't love."
"If
you say so, captain."
She got up, nodded formally, mockingly. "I think I'll just say good
night."
"Sleep
well, doctor." His reply was just
as mocking. The
implied "alone" registering another hit in her gut.
She
didn't give him the satisfaction of looking back when she left.
-----------------------
"He's
looking so damn good." Jan
stretched dramatically in her chair in the rec lounge,
bringing her breasts into prominence.
"If
you like that type," Chapel said, trying not to stare at Jim, who did look
damn good.
"Right. Because you only like lanky
Vulcans." Jan grinned at
her. As far as she knew, Chapel was
happy with Spock.
The
Vulcan in question was in his lab. He
generally avoided the lounge unless he had a chess date with Jim or it was an
"attendance mandatory for senior staff" kind of thing.
Jan
was still watching Jim. "I bet he's
terrific in bed."
He
was terrific in bed. In fact, terrific
did not do it justice. "I thought
you'd given up on him?"
"I
have. But I can still look, can't
I?"
"Looking
is allowed." Hell, it was all
Chapel was allowed, and she'd been his goddamned mistress. Even if he hated it when
she called herself that.
He'd
been married. He'd been sleeping with
her. Regularly. Okay, so he'd thought he and Lori were
done. Technically, it still fit the
mistress category.
That
was the annoying thing about term marriages.
You never knew where you stood.
No one needed to separate; they could just let the thing lapse. Like Jim had been planning to do; he'd been
in that "prior to lapse" state when he'd run into her at a party at
Command. She'd come with a junior
officer who worked for Nogura. She'd left with an admiral. Her admiral.
She'd
been stupid enough to think that. For a time. Not a long
time, but for a time. She'd fallen in
love and been dumb enough to think the feeling was mutual.
And
then Lori had wanted to give it another try.
Lori had stolen her husband, Chapel's lover, back with no effort at all.
And
that had been that. When it was clear
Jim wasn't coming back, Chapel had said yes to Decker's offer of CMO. The rest was history.
And
she'd never told Jan any of this. It
wasn't fair to her friend. She threw
back her drink.
"Whoa,
what's gotten into you?" Jan
signaled for another round.
Chapel
waited till she'd drained the new drink, too, waited for the rush of warmth,
the tickly feeling in her stomach, the dull comfort of alcohol to the
brain. Then she turned to Jan, took her
hands in hers, and said in a low voice, "Don't kill me, but I slept with
him."
"With...?"
A
deep breath. Then another. Could she have another drink? "With Jim."
She
expected a slap. Or for Jan to pull her
hands away at least. But she only shook
her head and said, "My God, I don't know which to be madder at. That you did it, or that it took you this
goddamned long to tell me."
"Huh?"
"I
saw you two. At the waterfront
fair. You didn't see me. Obviously. You were pretty wrapped up in each
other."
"Oh,
God, Jan." And her friend had been living with that for
months?
"I
told you I was over him, and I am. I'm angry
with you for not telling me. What did
you think? I'd turn psychotic on
you? I'd fall apart? Give me some damn credit." She finally pulled her hands away. "And what the hell are you doing to
Spock?"
"I'm
doing anything he wants to him. He's not
suffering here. He is, to be quite
frank, tiring of me--well, other than the very good sex part."
Jan
signaled for another round and told the server, "This round's on my
friend. In fact, all the rounds tonight
are on my friend."
The
server glanced at Chapel, who nodded--picking up the tab was the least she
could do.
Once
she was gone, Jan asked, "Spock's getting tired of you?"
"V'ger left him open.
The door is closing." She
glanced over where Jim was laughing at something Scotty had said.
"Maybe
he just figured out that you're already taken?"
"Hardly."
"That
he'd figure it out or that you're taken?"
"Both,
unfortunately." Chapel drank
her next drink extra slowly: the time for truths blurted out was thankfully over.
------------------
Chapel
pulled her uniform on and walked into the bathroom. She was a mess. Spock had pulled out all the stops. She fixed her face, pulled her hair into a
ponytail, and left the bathroom.
Spock
was watching her. He didn't do that,
usually pretended to sleep, or meditate, or just stared at the ceiling as she
went past. Her departure was done in
silence, with no acknowledgment.
This
time he held out his hand. When she
walked back to him, he yanked her down onto the bed. She landed awkwardly, half on him, half on
the bed to his side. Her arms stung, and
her hip twinged where it had hit him.
"Spock,
what the--"
He
kissed her. It was not a gentle
kiss. It was not
loving. It was not sensual. It was pure and raw, and she wasn't sure if
it was desire or just anger that prompted him to do it.
When
he finally let her go, he said, "I do not intend to fight him for
you."
"Fight
who?"
He
looked at her, his disappointment palpable.
"I am neither blind nor of substandard intelligence. I know when your 'heart' is not in this."
Maybe
he should date Jan? They were both so
damned perceptive.
"Christine,
a statement of protest or explanation is customary, I believe."
She
shrugged. "What do you want me to
say? I fucked him? Okay, I did.
That I still want to? Okay, I
do. Am I going to? Probably not."
"Is
this revenge?" He moved away from
her slightly. "For all the years I
would not have you?"
"No." But maybe it was. Just a little bit.
"Revenge
on him, then? For not
still being with you?"
"Who
cares why I'm with you. I'm with
you."
"No,
Christine." He slid off the bed and
walked toward the bathroom. "You
are not with me, no matter how much sex we have." The bathroom door slid closed, and she could
feel that damned blush starting.
For
the first time, the walk of shame did feel shameful.
--------------------
Jim
walked beside her in the Teneveran Defense Ministry's
long corridor. He seemed to be finding
his way to her side a lot this mission.
Didn't say a damn word, but ended up next to her.
She
glanced over at him. He was in his
"charm the natives" mode, but she could tell his jaw was set a bit
tightly. She glanced back,
saw that Spock was watching them. He
looked neither happy nor unhappy at their proximity.
"Focus
on the mission," she murmured.
Jim
glanced at her. "Did you say something?"
"Nothing
important." Her voice was casual for the benefit of the
crew that did not know about her sleeping arrangements--past and current--but
she knew her eyes were as hard as Jim's had suddenly became.
"Just
so you know, Doctor. They'll expect us
to drink heavily."
"I
brought the antitox."
"Good." He moved closer. "If you see me being at all friendly to
you, slip me some." It should have
been a joke, but the way he didn't smile when he said it made it clear he was
deeply serious.
"Yes.
Couldn't have
that."
Spock
was suddenly between them. "There
is a distant possibility that our hosts' hearing is as keen as my own. I suggest you hold this...conversation
elsewhere." He dropped back again.
She
could feel the blush beginning. Part embarrassment, part anger. Part contrition that she'd
treat Spock this way.
"Ever
logical." Jim moved away from her.
"Part
of what captivated me."
"I'm
sure that brings him great comfort as he listens to us behave like idiots."
A
warning cough from Spock shut them up.
Jim gave her a sheepish--if still angry--look before he turned his attention
back to the business at hand.
---------------------
Chapel's
door chimed. She ignored it. It chimed again and she murmured,
"Come," hoping the computer wouldn't hear her.
No
such luck.
Jan
walked in, Nyota in tow. They had a bottle of champagne and three
glasses.
"Not
in the mood, Jan."
Nyota smiled. It was not a pretty smile. "Oh, no, this is my idea. We're celebrating having the shittiest friend
ever."
"Excuse me."
Nyota's smile turned
evil. "You got to have him and you don't tell us about it? What the hell, Christine? What about our pact?"
"The
pact was between you and Jan."
"You
were there when we made it." Nyota gestured at the bottle. "Get that open, will you?"
Jan
was already working on it.
Chapel
grabbed it from her. "Oh,
for God's sake. I always do
this." She eased the cork out, the
pop bringing back happy memories of all the times they'd celebrated the big
moments--and the pretty much nothing ones--with champagne.
"Why
doesn't she ever spill any?" Jan
was frowning.
"Little
secret," Chapel said. "And if
it'll get me out of the 'shittiest friend ever' doghouse, I'm willing to
share."
Jan
and Nyota pretended to talk it over, then Jan nodded.
Chapel
held up the bottle, showing them how she had her fingers firmly pressed into
the cavity on the bottom. "Roger's
little secret, actually. He said the
bubbly goes to the warmest place. My
hand is warmer than the ambient room temperature. Ergo..."
"You
love to say that word." Nyota held the glasses out.
"Fill 'em up and spill your guts,
girl."
Chapel
poured and then set the bottle aside.
She took a glass from Nyota and drank about
half of it. "It was
phenomenal."
"See,
I told you it would be." Jan looked
very smug.
Nyota rolled her
eyes. "I didn't disagree with
you. We had a pact, not a bet."
Chapel
refilled her glass while they were arguing.
Jim was going to kill her if he found out she'd told these two much of
anything about their time together.
"How
did you end up with him?" Nyota sipped her champagne slowly, never one to get drunk
when she wanted information.
"He
and Lori weren't getting along."
"We
hate her." Jan drained her glass
and held it out for more; Christine obliged.
"We hate her so very, very much."
"Yes,
we do." Chapel clinked glasses with
her.
"Well,
he must have liked her at some point."
Nyota shrugged. "What?
I can't defend the man?"
"Not
if you defend Ciani in the process." Jan scooted back so she was against Chapel's
headboard. "So, they weren't
getting along, and he saw you and you just, what? Decided to fall into bed?"
"We
were at a party Nogura had thrown. Lori was all over this other admiral and
Jim"--she saw both Jan and Nyota react to her
calling him that--"the captain was mad."
"You
can call him Jim. It's just..."
Nyota looked
down. "It's just we don't."
"But
you bumped groins so it's okay if you call him that." Jan held her glass out for more hooch, and
Chapel wondered just how much this was hurting her, even if she'd said she was
over him.
"We
actually just talked that first night. I
mean I left with him, but he didn't do anything to hurt her. He's not that way." She looked down. "I do think he loved her. But she kept hurting him, and he kept seeking
me out, and one thing led to another."
"And
it was good?" Nyota
sighed. "I really wanted to be the
first to get there."
"Yeah. He's great.
Just like you two thought he would be."
"And
Spock?" Jan took a deep breath. "How the hell does he feel about
this?"
"Spock
and I...we're just having sex, okay.
It's really good sex, but that's all it is."
"So,
you and the captain, that was more?"
Nyota was watching her carefully.
"No,
it was just sex, too."
"Well,
Hikaru told me you two seemed to have some unresolved
issues." Jan waggled her eyebrows
and Nyota followed suit.
"And
you're talking to Hikaru because...?"
"It's
possible he and I are close." Jan
grinned at her. "But don't think
you're going to distract me with that question.
Is there something between you
two?"
"I
don't know." Chapel could feel the
champagne, the rush of the drink, the tickle of the bubbles. It was doing nothing for her mood. "I really wish I did know." She shook her head. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I wasn't sure how to."
"We'll
forgive you eventually." Nyota refilled them all and then leaned in. "Did you two hear about that lieutenant
who won't leave Chekov alone? Martin, I
think her name is. She is completely
obsessed with him." She winked at
Chapel. "Makes
your crush on Spock look like amateur night."
"It
is Martin. I saw her following Pav around the rec lounge the
other night. It was so damn
creepy." Jan included Chapel in her
grin, and Chapel found herself relaxing.
These two were good friends. Why the
hell hadn't she told them?
-----------------
Chapel
sat by the biobed, working on reports while Jim
muttered in a painkiller-fueled daze.
She heard the door to sickbay open, then footsteps coming down to the private
area they'd put Jim in.
Spock
appeared in the doorway. "He is all
right?"
She
stood and patted her chair. "Come
sit. I'll get another."
But
he turned and as she sat back down, she heard him going into the main bay. He came back with another chair, put it next
to hers and sat.
"I
was worried."
"It
was a nasty wound. He's in a lot of
pain." She reached for Spock's
hand. "You were right to
worry."
He
let her hold on, even squeezed back.
"You
saved his life. Quick
thinking, as ever." She
smiled at him, and his eyes were soft as he looked at her, then back at Jim.
"You
saved his life, too. Doctor McCoy said a
technique you had learned in med school...?"
"Lucky
I was paying attention that day."
"You
generally do pay attention, Christine."
He was clutching her hand tightly, and he sighed.
"He's
going to be all right." She wasn't
one hundred percent sure of that, but she thought Spock needed to think she
was. And if Jim could hear her through
the drugs, he needed to think that, too.
Spock
let go of her hand, dropped his hand to sit on her knee. Nothing sexual about the
move, just touching, just making contact.
"If
I've hurt you, I'm sorry," she whispered.
"And
I am sorry as well. For
the past. For anything I did to
you."
"It's
in the past, all right?" When he
nodded, she went back to her reports, and Spock sat watching Jim. The silence, for once, wasn't full of things
that needed to be said or must not be said. It was easy. Comfortable. Broken only by the low moans and murmurs of
the man she knew they both adored.
--------------------
Chapel
eased away from Spock, was about to get out of bed, but he pulled her
back. "What?"
He
kissed her. Softly. Sweetly. And tugged her back down to
lie in his arms.
"Why?"
"Because you are exhausted. Because I do not want you
to leave."
He
was right; she was exhausted. Jim was
finally out of sickbay. She'd watched
over him more than she probably should have.
Spock had been there much of that time.
It had been a simple thing when Jim was finally released for she and Spock to find each other, to end up in bed again.
Simple
until this moment. "You don't want me to leave?"
"I
do not."
He
kissed her forehead, shifted a bit, making it more comfortable for her to lie
against him. "It is ironic,
Christine. When we were first on the
ship, one of the reasons I did not pursue you was that I could offer you
nothing, not while I was betrothed. I
thought it would do you no honor."
She
could feel herself tensing in his arms.
So could he, apparently. He
kissed her softly again, his hand rubbing up and down her back.
"Yet
you had an affair with Jim while he was married, did you not?"
"I
did. He was sort of in the 'probably not
going to renew' phase, though."
"But
you are not with him. Why are you not
with him?"
"It's
a long story. And you were right about
me being exhausted." She kissed him
as tenderly as she could. "We
shouldn't be doing this."
"On
the contrary. This is quite enjoyable." His lips tilted up just a little.
"You
know what I mean."
"Yes,
I know what you mean." He murmured,
"Lights off," and the room went dark.
"Go to sleep, Christine."
"I
do love you, Spock. That's never
changed." She cuddled closer to
him, enjoying the strange feel of just relaxing next to him. "Even if you are
getting tired of me."
"I
am not the one who is pulling away, Christine.
But you are too close to see that."
"Can
we talk about it later?"
"Yes."
She
fell asleep to the strange feel of his arms wrapped around her.
---------------
"So
you and Spock?" Nyota sidled up next to her in line in the mess. "You two are actually being seen
together in the light of day."
"Yeah. I know.
Weird, huh?" Chapel smiled at her friend, tried to show
her she was as perplexed by the turn of events as Ny probably was.
"I
thought you said he was getting tired of you?"
"I
thought he was." Or maybe she'd just liked that idea better than that she
wasn't sure who she wanted anymore, that she would treat him that way. "Those wacky Vulcans..."
Nyota laughed, but
she had the look that Chapel feared, the one that said, "I will get to the
bottom of this no matter how much you misdirect."
"He's
been really sweet to me. Ever since Jim got hurt." She was grabbing food at random, finding it
hard to talk about this.
Nyota put a hand on
her arm. "That was scary for all of
us. I imagine Spock felt it more than
most, though." She smiled gently. "And you."
She
nodded, then immediately felt guilty.
She didn't have any bigger right to feel scared when Jim was hurt. She'd been his mistress; she was barely his
friend now. If she left the ship, she
doubted that he'd mourn.
Whereas
this woman. He'd want Nyota on his crew.
He'd ask for her. Chapel hadn't
asked Jim if he wanted her to transfer off; she didn't want to hear the answer.
She
also didn't want to leave Spock.
Or
Jim.
Christ,
this was screwed up.
"Lotta thinking going on in that head of yours,
Christine." Nyota nudged her
down the line. "That's your
problem. You can't just live for the
moment."
"I
did live for the moment. That's how I
got here." She knew her tone was
mean, didn't want to snap at Ny,
but living in the moment had gotten her Jim, and then the moment had ended and
so had they.
The
moment was very overrated.
------------------
Chapel
tried not to make much eye contact with Jim, which wasn't difficult since she
was focused on his readings--scanners were such handy devices. "You're all clear, Captain." She smiled without actually looking at him,
the post-injury check-up completed.
"I'm
sorry."
"For
getting better?" She busied
herself with settings that did nothing important on the scanner, but made her
look intensely focused.
Then
she felt him touch her arm. "For
the way I handled things. When we were together."
"We
were together? Really?" She turned to go, but he held her without
much effort. Too damn
strong for his own good.
"I
should... Lori knew about you. She wanted me back, and she may have said
some things about me screwing up every relationship I'd ever had because I
couldn't keep my dick in my pants."
She turned to look at him. "Did she
really believe that? Because that's not
the version you gave me for why things didn't work with your various women. In fact, you came out smelling like a rose in
the version you gave me."
"I
told you what my friends who had to live through those relationships told me,
but I'm not sure I believe that I wasn't to blame." He held up a hand when she started to say
something. "I don't mean Lori was
right, but perhaps the truth was slightly less rosy. No one is ever entirely to blame--or
innocent."
She
shrugged, held her hands up. What did he
want her to do with this information?
"Look,
Lori wanted me away from you, and she did the one thing that would guarantee I
would stay away. She preyed on my own
fears about how I probably fucked up every relationship I've ever been in. And then once she had me back, she didn't
really want me after all."
"And
we're back to me on this ship and you on Earth and better to just leave it
alone."
"I
was an idiot, Chris."
"Finally. Something we can agree on." She jerked away from him. "Why are you doing this now?"
He
looked down. "Because
I needed to tell you sometime."
"Or
because Spock and I are looking too happy for your own good?"
"That's
not fair."
She
laughed, a terrible, bitter sound. "All's fair,
lover."
"Is
this love, then? Or war?"
"Once
upon a time, I thought I knew. Now, I have no idea." She turned on her heel and left him alone.
The
same way he'd left her.
---------------------
Chapel
was just leaving the lab when she saw Spock coming down the corridor toward
her. She waited for him to catch up,
smiled easily, the way it was becoming natural to do. "How was your chess game?"
"Strained." He walked with her to the lift. "As I'm sure you guessed it would
be. You didn't tell me you and Jim
had...a conversation today? Is that what
you would deem it? A
talk? Or would fight be more apt?"
"He
told you we had a fight?"
"I
had to elicit the information from him in small increments over the course of
the evening."
She
laughed. "You mean you got him
drunk and probed?"
"He
was not drunk. But he was more open to discussing you than is his norm."
She
leaned up against him in the lift; he pressed back. It amazed her that he allowed these
liberties. "Why do you want to
discuss me with him? Doesn't that bother
you?"
"He
is my friend. I do not wish for there to
be things we cannot discuss."
The
lift opened, and she followed him off.
"Maybe in this case, an embargo of that topic would not be a bad
idea?"
"Being
with you is far more complicated than I anticipated." He lifted an eyebrow at her as he palmed his
door opened. "Doctor...?"
"Hmmm. Should I come in?"
His
look was infinitely patient.
"Oh,
all right. If you
insist." She smiled as she
walked past him, then yelped as he grabbed her and
pushed her up against the wall. "Mmm, maybe you should discuss me with Jim more often."
He
shut her up with a kiss, his hands moving over her with practiced ease. He knew what she liked. She let her hands roam--she knew what he
liked, too. He pushed her toward the
bed, was not gentle as he stripped off her uniform, then his own.
He
took her fiercely, gave her no quarter.
She'd come several times by the time he finally let himself go,
murmuring her name as he thrust savagely.
"Wow,"
she said, once he collapsed onto her.
"Indeed." He rolled off and pulled her into his arms,
and she cuddled next to him while she tried to catch her breath.
She
kissed his chest, sighed as he rubbed her hair.
She shifted so she could see his face, asked softly, "If you
thought it best that I leave the ship, you'd tell me, right?"
"I
do not think it best."
"But
would you tell me if you did?"
He
did not answer immediately, and he tightened his hold on her slightly. Finally, he said, "I am
unsure."
She
nodded.
"Do
you think you should leave the ship?"
"Sometimes." She ran her hand down his stomach, smiled
when he reacted to her touch. "But
then we do this and..."
"Yes. Then we do this."
"This
is nice."
"This
is extraordinary."
She
kissed him. "It's also, as you
said, very complicated."
"And
clearly not something we are going to resolve today." He let his hand slide down her body. "Or perhaps resolution is not the right
word."
She
arched her back and moaned as he touched her.
Resolution was definitely not the right word.
--------------
She
woke far too early, Spock's gently insistent prodding
forcing her to open her eyes and take in the start of a new day. "What time is it?"
"It
is time to get up."
"That
is not an answer." She peered at
the chrono.
"We've got another hour."
"We
do not. I told Jim we would meet him for
breakfast."
"You
mean that you would and that I could go back to sleep." She rolled over and closed her eyes.
"No,
Christine. That we would."
She
rolled back over. "Why would you do
that?"
"Because
last night it was apparent that Jim misses me.
I miss him. I know you, too, miss
him. And it has been clear for some time
that he misses you." He looked at
her like there was nothing more to say.
"So
we're all going to eat together like happy little shipmates."
"Yes. We are."
He walked into his bathroom, and she heard the shower start up.
She
had enough of her things in his quarters to get ready without a trip to her own
room. They were ready and out of his
quarters in time to meet Jim in the corridor.
"Well." He looked as uncomfortable as she felt--and
more than a little surprised when he saw her.
"Here we are. Here we all are."
"Yep."
"Good
morning, Jim." Spock walked off
toward the lift.
"Isn't
he little Mary Sunshine?" Jim
practically glared at her.
"This
is not my idea."
"Oh,
I'm well aware of that, Chris." He
stalked off toward the lift.
With
a sigh, she followed him.
Once
they got to the mess, she noticed neither she nor Jim got much to eat, while
Spock seemed content to load his tray.
She almost expected a lecture on breakfast being the most important meal
of the day.
Especially when you spent it with your current lover and your
former.
She
chose the table, one in the back of the mess.
She sat, and Spock sat next to her.
Jim seemed frozen for a moment.
"The
fate of the quadrant does not hang on your seating selection, Jim," Spock
said gently.
For a second, she thought Jim might turn around and leave. Then he took a deep breath and sat down next
to Spock.
"Safe
choice," she muttered, and felt Spock's leg press against hers, clearly in
warning.
"So,"
Jim said with a forced smile, "here we are."
"You
said that already." She suddenly
wished she'd gotten more food, so she could pretend to be very busy eating
rather than feeling like she should say something. Spock was happily chewing as if his
responsibility for the breakfast convo was nill. She took a deep breath and met Jim's
eyes.
He
looked as out of sorts as she did, so she said, "Next time, we pig out,
okay?"
He
was on her wavelength, and he nodded fiercely and said, "So much food that
we never have to say a word. Like our
Vulcan friend here."
Spock
nodded and kept eating.
She
laughed, a short outburst of air, but it made Jim grin. She laughed louder, something closer to real
amusement, and his grin grew.
"So
what the hell are we supposed to talk about?" Jim asked, reaching for salt
and pepper for his eggs.
"I
would suggest your previous relationship may not be the best topic," Spock
said.
"He
is so helpful sometimes," she said as she kicked him under the table.
He
was unfazed. "It is startling how
perfectly timed you are. Your kicks
landed as one." He went back to
eating, then got up.
"I forgot water. Do you need
any?"
"Nope."
"I'm
good," she said.
As
soon as he was gone, Jim leaned forward.
"What the hell, Chris?"
"This
wasn't my idea. Spock wanted this."
"Why?"
"How
the hell should I know? Because you were mopey over chess,
maybe?"
"I
was not mopey.
Maybe you were mopey during sex."
"I
was not. It’s not possible to be mopey during sex with Spock."
"Well,
how wonderful for you, Doctor."
Spock
came back, sat down, and said, "I suggested this was a bad topic."
"We're
not talking about our relationship, Spock.
We're talking about yours."
"Ah. Another potential
conversational minefield. I will remember
that." He went back to eating.
Kirk
turned to him. "Why are you doing
this?"
"Because
the two of you are avoiding each other rather than facing the root of your
problems."
"The
problem is he's an ass."
"No,
the problem is that while he may have acted like an ass, you still want
him. And he still wants you." Spock took a deep breath. "I told you, Christine, that I would not
fight him for you. I also have no
intention of walking away. I will leave
it up to you two to figure out how to work out your issues within those parameters."
They
both stared at him.
"What
is that supposed to mean?" Jim finally asked.
"Whatever
you take it to mean." Spock looked
at the uneaten piece of pineapple on her plate and raised an eyebrow.
"Help
yourself. I've lost my
appetite." She stood up. "I've got to get to sickbay." She grabbed her tray, glanced at Spock, then
at Kirk. "You two can figure this
out."
"No,
Christine. We cannot. You are an integral part of this
dilemma." Spock's eyes were harder
than she expected, his jaw tight.
"Get
to work, Chris." Jim's order was
gentle; he was rescuing her from...himself?
Spock's bizarre relationship counseling?
She
wished she knew what had just happened.
-------------------
Chapel
was finishing up with a patient when Jim walked in with Len.
"Chris."
"Jim."
Len's
eyebrow went way, way up when she used Jim's first name. She'd never told him about the affair with
Jim. She didn't want him to know--just
one more thing he could lecture her on, one more hopeless romance to make fun
of.
"I
need to talk to Chris, Bones. I'll see
you at dinner?"
"Okay." Len sounded entirely confused.
Jim
nodded toward her office.
"Private's better."
Len
moved toward him. "Jim, if this is
a consult, I promise not to lecture."
"Not
the type of consult you can help me with," Jim said, winking.
Len's
mouth didn't fall open, but it was close.
"Sorry. I couldn't resist," Jim said as her
office doors closed behind them.
"You didn't tell him, huh?"
"You
didn't tell him, either."
"Nope,
I sure didn't." He sat down, stared
at her. "So what the hell was
breakfast all about?"
"I
honestly don't know. The first I'd heard
about breakfast was when he woke me up early to get ready for it. He said you knew I was coming."
"He lied."
"Vulcans
can't do that."
Jim
just gave her a look that said she was smarter than to listen to stupid wives
tales.
"Okay,
so they can do that. Filing
that fact away for future reference." She leaned back in her chair and sighed. "I don't know what he wants from
us."
"I
don't either. He was pretty specific
about his parameters. No fighting me for
you on his part. No leaving you,
either."
"So,
well just be friends?"
He
looked down. "Chris, I can't just be
friends with you. Why do you think Lori didn't want me anywhere around you? That wasn't just a fling. I fell for you."
"You
did?"
"I
did. She knew it. She used every trick in the book to get me
back, probably because she hated to lose, not because she really wanted me back."
"You
should have told me that."
"I
should have told you I loved you?
When? When I was walking out the
door?" He rubbed his eyes. "It didn't seem like the best
timing."
"Did
you tell Spock you love me last night?"
"He
bought me a lot of drinks. I was in a
weep-in-my-beer mood. Figuratively, I
mean. I don't weep in the rec lounge and especially not into good beer."
She
laughed.
"I've
missed that laugh." His smile was
the sweet one she loved.
"I've
missed laughing that laugh."
They
shared a sappy "all the things I miss" smile for a moment, and then
he said, "It was more like he wormed what happened out of me. You know how sneaky he is."
"Oh,
yes. Exhibit for the court: breakfast."
He
laughed. "He does like to make the
big unilateral move. Stealing
Pike. Melding
with V'ger.
Pushing all of us--"
"What?"
"He
wouldn't mean..."
"What?"
"He
wants us to work out our issues. Without him fighting me.
And without him leaving. What does that make you think of?"
She
stared at him blankly.
"You. Me. Him."
"A
group? Uh, Jim, the Deltan
left the ship with Decker."
"What
if he--I mean it's eminently logical, from his standpoint. He's going to lose one of us if we go on this
way. What if he could keep us both? He is pretty fond of me." Jim made a sort of wink, wink, nudge, nudge gesture.
"And
you're that kind of fond of him?"
"I
won't say the thought hasn't crossed my mind a time or two." He started to laugh. "Spock does like to think out of the
box."
"Jim,
the box is in not even in the room at this point. It may not be in the same quadrant."
He
just sat and chuckled.
"Stop
that. Humans don't do well in
threes."
"Well,
we're only two and a half humans."
He grinned, clearly delighted in an evil sort of way by what might
indeed be Spock's Master Plan.
"Someone
is going to get jealous when they're left out."
"And
it might be you, little lady." Jim
waggled his eyebrows at her.
She
couldn't help but crack up. "Stop
it right now. I'm going to be thinking
about this now. A lot. A whole lot."
"Oh,
yeah. Me too. I'm not going to let on to Spock, though, that
I'm hip to his plan for Kirk and Chapel domination."
She smiled.
"Feel
him out. See if we're completely off
base."
"You
mean see if you're completely off
base. You don't want us to be off base,
do you?"
"I
want you back. But I don't want to take
you from him. And I don't think you want
to leave him. So..."
"What
if you are off base?"
"Then
we regroup and figure out how to resolve our issues without lots of really good
sex. He is good, right?"
"Oh, he's fantastic."
"Better than I am?"
She
thought about it. "Different."
"That's a damn cop-out."
"That's
all you're getting."
He
stood up, walked over to her. "Just
in case we're desperately grabbing at straws, let's have that goodbye kiss we
never got." He pulled her out of
the chair, into his arms, and kissed her, the way she remembered, hands holding
tightly, groin pushed into hers, Kirk Junior happy as hell to see her, his
lips--oh, God, his lips.
She
probably should tell him to stop.
She
didn't, not for a while anyway.
-----------------
As
soon as she and Spock were in for the night in his quarters, she pushed him
into his chair and straddled him.
"We're going to talk."
"This
is an interesting method of talking."
"I
want to see your face." She wiggled
a little. "I want to feel other
things."
"Other
things are, as ever, pleased that you want to feel them."
She laughed and kissed him. "My
others things are equally glad to feel you."
"Yes?" He began to roam under the waistband of her
uniform pants, and she slapped him away gently.
He raised an eyebrow. "I
cannot touch?"
"You'll
distract me. I don't want to be
distracted."
"Ah." He sat back, watched her with rapt attention,
as if at a very important lecture or meeting.
"Stop
that." She kissed him again and
laughed as he pulled her closer, as he ran his hands up and down her back. "Mmmmm."
"Well
stated."
"So,
about breakfast."
"Not
as uncomfortable as you perhaps feared?"
"Not
where I was going with my opener."
His
lips lifted slightly. "My
apologies for interrupting your monologue."
She
laughed again. She loved his humor. Even if most people thought Vulcan's had
none. "How creative did you expect
us to be?"
"By
us, you mean you and Jim?"
Well,
that was the million-credit question, now, wasn't it? "Yes.
In resolving our issue?"
"As
creative as you need to be. I take it he
came to see you after breakfast?"
"You
followed him?"
"I
did not have to. I know him." Spock was paying attention, but his hands
were busy elsewhere, unhooking things, pulling off articles of clothing.
"I
did not intend to have this talk naked."
"No? A pity, then, because you soon shall
be." His eyes almost twinkled. "Ask me what you want to ask me,
Christine."
She
leaned in, kissed him slowly and very thoroughly. "I'm not ready to ask you that
yet."
He
met her eyes, his untroubled. "I
appreciate that." He eased her up,
looked down at his lap. "Some assistance?"
She
undid his uniform pants, pulled them and his underwear down enough so she could
mount him, sighing as she slid down, as he filled her. "I do love you. I'm sorry if I treated you coldly when we
first started." It had been easier
to think that Spock was tiring of her, not so nice to think she was doing to
him some of what Jim had done to her. It
wasn't fun to feel like a thing, a toy for sex but for nothing else.
"It
is forgiven," he said, and he pulled her down for a long kiss, as she rode
him to completion.
---------------
Another
landing party, and Jim wanted both she and Spock on
it. Len didn't care; he had patients he
didn't want to leave, especially for something that would no doubt be routine
and boring.
She'd
avoided Jim for days, hadn't wanted to tell him she wasn't ready to ask Spock
what he meant, and Spock wasn't pushing it.
She gave Jim a tight smile as they boarded the transporter pad.
"Doctor,"
he said with a gentle smile. "Commander."
"Sir." Spock stood in the back near her, waiting
patiently for beam down. He met her
eyes, lips turning up enough for it to mean any number of things.
The
last two members of the party joined them and Jim gave the order for transport.
The
planet was breathtakingly beautiful.
Reminded Chapel of Kauai, a place she'd rented once during a break from
med school. She glanced at Jim. "You didn't need a doctor here, did
you?"
"We might get sunburned." He
winked at her, then looked at Spock. "Back me up, my friend."
"Indeed."
"You
use that word for everything," she said, but she smiled. Who could not
smile when there were flowers blooming and filling the air with their scent,
when the wind was rushing over the surf, blowing the scent even more.
Just
to be safe, she scanned the flowers.
They did not need a repeat of Omicron Ceti
III, especially not with all three of them handily down on the planet together.
The
flowers were fine; they just smelled pretty.
She
followed Jim and Spock, enjoying the feel of real air and non-artificial
sunlight. This was good for her, good
for all of them.
She
halfway paid attention to the discussions, it really
was nothing that needed her input, so she thought about other things until it
was time for lunch. They ate on the
terrace, had a view of the ocean, and she was effusive to their hosts about the
loveliness of their planet.
"Perhaps,
the Doctor would like to see our medical facilities?" one of their
hosts--she was having difficulty keeping them straight, they didn't look alike
but their names all sounded similar--asked.
"I must confess that this topic is not that interesting to
me."
"I'd
love to see your facilities." She
followed the woman, who seemed to be taking the long way to get to the building
she'd indicated was the hospital.
The
woman grinned at her. "Our
facilities are no different than yours, Doctor Chapel. Mention the purple gel and they will think we
went there."
She
hurried ahead, and Chapel laughed when she saw the beach come into view. "Really?"
"Oh,
yes. How long has it been since you
waded in an ocean?"
"Too
long." She unzipped her boots and slipped her socks
into them, then stepped into the sand.
"How did you know?"
"I
saw you eying the water with such longing.
I could not stand by and not attempt to help." She winked. "The healer
instinct."
They
waded for a while, then sat in the sand and talked about things medical--Chapel
didn't want this to be a complete boondoggle--until it was time to go back.
Jim
eyed her pant legs, which were still a bit damp, with a grin. "I trust you had an interesting
time?"
"The
medical facilities were intensely interesting.
The purple gel especially."
One of the delegation nodded and claimed credit for
it.
As
they walked out to the beam-out point, Spock murmured, "You have sand on
your uniform."
"I
know. Isn't it great?" She laughed softly.
Jim
slowed down so he was walking with them, letting the other two get ahead. "So you like the beach?"
"I
do."
Jim
glanced past her, over to Spock.
"Make a note of that."
She
looked at Spock, who seemed to be considering his response. He met her eyes, then
touched her hand gently, almost as if he was reassuring himself that she was
really there. Then he turned back to Jim
and said, "You will remember for both of us."
"Will
I?" There was a hint of dare in
Jim's voice. Also some
nervousness--a lot of nervousness, actually.
"Yes,
Jim. You will. Perhaps you could choose the next shore leave
point accordingly?"
"We're
really doing this?" She glanced at
them. "Oh, did I say that out
loud?"
"'Fraid so."
Jim smiled, but it was a weird smile.
"I guess we are." He
looked over at Spock. "This is sort
of that speak now or forever hold your peace part."
"We
are not getting married, Jim."
Spock nodded, as if everything was falling into place. "This should be fascinating."
"He's
a true romantic," she said with a grin.
"He's
a damn idiot. I'm not sure I'd share
you." Jim stopped walking. "Spock, are you sure about this?"
"If
it does not appeal to us, then we will go back to how things are." Spock's lips were definitely turning up on
one side; she'd never seen Spock smirk before.
"I with Christine, you without. So, I would suggest you make sure I do not
feel like a damn idiot, as you say, when this is
over."
She
laughed softly and a moment later Jim did, too.
Spock walked on, catching up with the others.
"We're
really doing this," Jim said to her, and he looked happy and terrified all
at once.
"Unless
we chicken out."
"Right. Unless we chicken
out."
She
wasn't sure if that was a comforting idea for him or not.
---------------------
She
and Spock had just walked into his quarters when his chime rang.
"That
will be Jim," Spock said, then he told the
computer, "Come."
It
was, indeed, Jim.
"Spock,
listen. I sort of forced your hand today
and that wasn't right."
She
thought that by Spock's expression he rather thought he'd forced Jim's, but
decided not to say anything. She wasn't
exactly an uninterested party here.
Spock
turned to her, pulled her close, and kissed her quickly but very thoroughly, his
hands roaming down her back and back up.
Then he looked over at Jim.
"How did that make you feel?"
"Angry." And he did look angry. His hands were clenched, his eyes turning flat
and dead the way they did when he was not amused.
Kirk
junior, however, looked anything but angry.
Spock
was staring at Jim's groin. "Only angry?"
"Spock,
don't." She tried to pull away, but
he pulled her in front of him, had her facing Jim as he kissed her neck and ran
his hands over her breasts.
Jim's
eyes followed his hands. He swallowed
hard. When she moaned as Spock sucked at
her earlobe, Jim closed his eyes.
"This
is your choice, Christine," Spock said softly. "Do we wait until shore leave or do we
do this now?"
She
didn't answer right away, studied Jim, saw how helpless he looked as he watched
Spock's hands roaming across her body, how much desire was in his eyes as he
looked at her. "What should I do,
Jim?"
She
could tell he wanted to take the few steps that would bring him to her, but he
took a step back.
"I'm
not ready for this." He turned on
his heel and left.
She
felt Spock's lips on her neck again and pulled away. "Why did you do that?"
"He
needs to understand what this is. You
are mine and I am willing to let you be ours, but he needs to see that I am
part of this--that this is complicated."
"It
is complicated." She turned, met
his eyes. "But I am not yours."
"I
am aware of that. It is merely a figure
of speech. Sexually
speaking." He tilted her
chin up. "You belong to yourself,
and I know this. If you wish to leave me
now and go to him, he would welcome that, I think."
She
looked down.
"You
want both of us, is that not true?"
She nodded, couldn't meet his eyes.
He
tilted her chin up again. "You came
on this ship wanting both of us. For
you, this is not a new thing. And I do
not blame you for wanting us both.
Having us both, however, may be a more difficult venture." He took a deep breath, let it out
slowly. "Can you be happy if it is
just you and I?"
"Yes."
"You
answered too fast." He kissed her,
easing any need to try to answer better.
He had her naked and in bed quickly, made love to her with a great deal
of tenderness.
When
they finally lay still, wrapped in each other's arms, she said, "You think
I'm going to leave you."
"I
think it is a distinct possibility."
"You're
wrong."
"Go
to sleep. Time will tell how this will
play out."
---------------
Chapel
saw Jim several times over the next few days, but he just nodded tersely and
walked away with great purpose--too much purpose given that they were
transiting a very boring sector of space between missions. She considered going after him, but decided
to leave well enough alone.
He
showed up at her door eventually, waving Len off and palming her door shut.
"I'm
sorry, Jim." She found it hard to
meet his eyes.
"Yeah,
me, too. On the one hand, I'm kicking myself for
running out. On the other..." He sighed and shrugged.
"I
know. It wasn't fair, what he did."
"Actually, it was. I'm not mad at
him."
"Are
you mad at me?"
"I'm
not mad at anyone." He sat down,
rubbed at his eyes. "It's just,
that's what we're talking. You and me
and him, and it's not just on a beautiful planet somewhere on shore leave, but it's here, on my ship.
I don't date my crew and now I'm contemplating dating two of
you?"
She
bit back a smile.
He
shook his head and laughed softly.
"I know, I know. It is
funny, damn it. Also,
not funny."
"Do
you want me to transfer off?"
His
head shot up. "No." Then he took a deep breath. "I don't know. Would that be fair? Ask you to do that? Deprive Spock of you just because I can't
make up my goddamned mind?" He
smiled at her. "I just don't like
my options. I can have you if I share
you with him. I can have you if I can pry you away from him, but then I lose
him. Or you can leave, and neither of us
will have you, and I don't want that."
"You
left out option four." At his look,
she said gently, "You can leave well enough alone and let him have
me."
"Yeah,
I did leave that one out, didn't I?"
He seemed to be thinking, so she waited.
"Why did I leave that one out?
Why can't I leave well enough alone?
I had my chance with you, Chris.
I had it and I blew it."
"You
did, Jim."
"So
is that it? Is that the option you
want?"
It
would be the best thing for all of them if she could just say yes, and she knew
it. She wanted to do the right
thing. Put them out of their misery.
She
should do it.
"I
want both of you," came out of her mouth instead.
"Really? Both of us?"
"Yes,
but I realize that may not be what I get.
I will tell you that if you try to take me away from him, if you put
your friendship with him at risk, I'll leave the ship."
"But
he might leave then, too."
She
nodded. "I'm not sure anymore what
he'd do."
"Can
we just slingshot around the sun so I can choose to not go back to Lori?"
She
laughed softly. "That would be
nice."
"Spock
would probably catch on. I'd have to get
him to do the computations."
"Yeah,
he would." She grinned at him, then held out her hand.
He
took it, squeezed it hard. "I hated
seeing him touching you."
She
waited.
"And
I was so damned turned on. It's
just..." He let go of her
hand. "It's just not the most
practical solution, you know?"
"I
know. I haven't really thought things
through." Not that lacking a plan
would stop her if he said yes.
"I'm
going to go." He stood up, smiled
down at her. "I do love you, you
know."
"I
know."
He
left and a moment later Len was at her door.
"All
right, that's it. What is going on
around here? I have a couple of tricky
patients that take me offline and suddenly you're Jim's private
physician?" He studied her, no
doubt missing nothing. "And that's
the more charitable of my guesses."
"It's
complicated." She gave him the face
that meant he was not going to get more than that.
"Isn't
it always?" he said as he turned and stalked off. She could still hear him as he went into his
office, knew he was talking loud for her benefit. "Isn't it goddamned always?"
--------------------
Nyota found her in
the rec lounge, separated her from the rest, and
motioned for Jan to come join them.
Chapel
felt a sinking feeling in her stomach.
No more secrets had turned into even bigger secrets.
She
saw Jim look over, and while his expression didn't change, she caught a flash
of warning in his eyes.
Like
she was going to tell anyone about what was going on? Especially when it wasn't
anything more than a possible outcome of several possible outcomes.
Jan
smiled tightly at Chapel as she walked up with fresh drinks for her and Nyota--but not for Chapel.
"So, your open and honest policy didn't last very long, did it?"
"What
do you mean?" She kept her voice
even, made eye contact, but not aggressively so.
"You've
pulled away again," Nyota said. "You're never around."
"It's
new with Spock. You know how that
goes."
"Is
that all it is?" Jan sipped at her
drink, looking like she thought Chapel's devotion to Spock a bit dubious.
"I
waited how long for this? So, okay, I'm
enjoying it. And maybe I'm neglecting
you two. I'd apologize if this didn't
sound like we're teenagers again."
Chapel let herself work up a good dose of anger; it's what someone who
wasn't trying to hide something would do.
"What do you want me to tell you?
My favorite positions with him? What we do when we're not screwing?"
Jan
held up her hand. "Whoa,
Christine. We didn't mean
anything by it. We just miss you."
"Funny
way of showing it." She stalked
off, feeling guiltier than she had in a long time.
As
she passed Jim, he put out a hand, slowed her.
"You all right?"
"I'll
be lucky to have any damn friends at all when we finally figure out what the
hell we're doing." She pulled away
from him and went back to her quarters.
For
a few hours, she busied herself with her comms. Personal stuff she was behind on, general
work announcements she hadn't had time to read.
One
in particular. Torrential rain on Almadar, medical emergencies all over the planet. Doctors needed on short-term assignment
basis. Excellent
experience in emergency medicine, which was her specialty.
And
a chance to get the hell away from the mess they were making. Only a month away, but time
to see what she really wanted. Time to give Spock and Jim a chance to see if they really needed
her coming between them.
She
filled out the forms and routed them through Len. With a note that said, "This will make
things less complicated." Two hours
later, he'd approved it with a note that said, "I doubt that, but everyone
deserves a break--if you can call this that."
She
walked down the corridor to Spock's quarters; he never slept much unless he was
with her, and even then she knew he had a padd or two
stashed near his bed to work on while she slept.
"Come,"
she heard through the speaker, and the doors opened.
She
walked in, saw Spock look up and hold his hand out to her. She walked over, took his hand, let him pull
her down into his lap, kiss her softly.
"I
presume you wish to talk about this?"
He motioned to his terminal, where her request--minus the personal
notes--sat with Len's approval.
"Do
you have to chop off on that?"
"No,
McCoy's approval is all you need."
He pushed her hair back, studied her.
"Why?"
"Things
are getting strange. And I'm lying to my
friends. And you and Jim, you're friends
or you used to be, and well, maybe I'm just a distraction, and maybe once I'm
gone, you two will be okay without me?"
"I
do not consider love a distraction."
"You
love me?"
"I
do." He kissed her again, then pulled away.
"That answer is a surprise?"
"It
just makes it harder." She hugged
him tightly. "I'm leaving in two
days."
He
was already taking off her uniform.
"Then we should make the most of that time."
---------------
Jim
found her on the way to sickbay the next day.
"I have to hear about this through an interoffice memo?"
She
resisted telling him she'd had less to go on when he went back to Lori.
He followed her into sickbay, didn't bother to wait till they were in her
office to say, "What the hell, Chris?"
Len
glanced at the nurses and then walked over quickly. "Do you two mind?"
"This is why I'm leaving."
"And she's not leaving for good," Len said. "It's only a month."
She
loved how Len could jump into any argument, prior knowledge or no.
"Bones,
stay out of it."
"Well, that's not too damn difficult since you've kept me out of
it." He pushed them both into her
office. "You settle it in here,
then." He palmed the door shut.
Jim barely waited for the door to shut before he rounded on her. "What are you doing? Does Spock agree with this?"
"I didn't ask his permission."
She sat down behind her desk, needing to put something between
them. "Welcome to how I felt,
Jim."
"I've said I'm sorry."
"And
I know you are. But it still hurts. And this hurts, too. I'm lying to my friends--or at least avoiding
them so I don't have to lie to them. I'm
tearing you and Spock apart. Don't you
think it's a good idea for me to get the hell off the ship for a while? You can figure out what you want, without me
here."
"You're
just running. You do that." He moved around so he was standing right in
front of her, forcing her to look up at him.
"You did that when you ran to Spock instead of me."
"Running
to you wasn't an option."
"Why
the hell not?"
She could feel tears threatening. Part
anger, part hurt. "Because
you left me. The same way Spock
left you for Gol, you left me for that bitch who
wasn't good for you and who you said you were leaving."
"Chris." He pulled her up, held her close. "Chris, I'm sorry. I've told you that. I'd do it differently if I could."
She
clutched at him. "No, you
wouldn't. We always think we will, but
we don't. We just make the same mistakes
over and over."
He
kissed her and she kissed him back for a moment, then
pulled away.
"Stop
it. That's not helping. I'm going to do this. I'll be gone for a month. We'll talk
after."
He
nodded tightly and left.
A
few minutes later, Len came in.
"Hon', I'm not sure what the hell is going on, but I have a feeling
that complicated does not begin to cover it."
"It's
a mess. Everything's a mess." She smiled up at him. "Thank you for letting me go."
"They
need you. I'd go myself but one of us
has to stay here and keep an eye on your two yahoos."
She laughed bitterly at how close he was to the truth without even knowing it.
----------------------
The
crisis on Almadar was all consuming. She worked back-to-back shifts and slept once
she was exhausted enough not to lie awake thinking. She missed Spock. She missed Jim, too. But she was doing good work and it took up
her mind and heart and body.
She
made friends, doctors and nurses, and officers from Emergency Operations. They were wild, those Ops people. Living from one crisis to the next and
enjoying the hell out of it. A few times
she drank herself into a nice dreamless sleep, soaking up Ops lore like it was
a medical lesson.
Spock
didn't contact her; she'd asked him not to.
Jim didn't either; she hadn't bothered to tell him not to, figured he
wouldn't after the way they'd left things.
But
when the month was up, when she'd heard from the ship and had packed her stuff,
she saw Jim leaning up against one of the temporary buildings, waiting for her
to come out of the dorm. He took her
carryall, gave her a grin, and said, "Come on, let's go home."
She
looked around and he laughed.
"You
think he'd let me come alone? He's over
talking to one of the Vulcan doctors."
Jim grinned again. "God,
it's good to see you."
"Is
it?"
"Isn't
it good to see me?" His grin went
up a notch on the sunny scale. "And just in time for shore leave,
too. A planet that happens to have
beaches--however did I pick that?"
"So,
I guess you've made up your minds?"
She tried to read his expression.
"You
left us alone to do that, remember? You
said you wanted us both. Then you
fled. I wasn't in favor of the move when
you did it, but it was smart. Gave us time to think.
Gave us time to miss you." He moved closer. "Spock missed the hell out of you, by
the way. Never think he doesn't love
you."
"Me coming back will complicate things."
"Oh,
hell yeah. I have no idea if we can make this work or
not. But Spock and I had plenty of time
to reconnect as friends; you were right, this was tearing us apart."
She
saw Spock ahead; he turned, said something to the Vulcan, and then walked
toward them, his eyes crinkled ever so slightly, his lips turned up just a
tad.
"See
what I mean. Happy to
see you."
Spock
stood very close when he got to them, seemed to be drinking in the sight of
her. "Christine, it is good to see
you."
"Ever
the master of understatement.
Come on you two." Jim
laughed softly as he led them to the beam-out point.
A
new team of doctors was coming in as they waited their turn. She felt Spock bump against her on one side,
felt Jim press his arm against hers for a moment.
"I
missed you both," she said, and it was true, even if she'd not dwelled on
it. Having them both beside her, she
felt her heart beat faster, her palms get a little
moist. They made her nervous, made her
feel alive. Far more
than any crisis. "When is
shore leave?"
"We are on our way there now," Spock said, and the look he gave her
fairly burned with desire. Then he
glanced over at Jim, a look of shared understanding passing between them.
"Wait a minute." She laughed
softly. "Did you two do
something...?"
"I
don't know what you're talking about."
Jim laughed at her glare.
"It would have been highly illogical to go into this arrangement without
ensuring that the sexual compatibility was mutual." Spock's look dared her to refute the logic.
"I
was up to my ass in mud, helping people, and you two were exploring your sexual
compatibility?"
"Pretty
much, yep." Jim urged her forward. "We were both quite satisfied with the
arrangement. However, we anticipate our
satisfaction will go up considerably when you are added to the mix."
"Indeed."
"I
left so you could play chess, not hide the salami." She glared at them as they transported and
held the glare all the way to the lift.
Until
Jim said, "Hold lift," and Spock pulled her into his arms and kissed
her. She felt Jim behind her and she
turned so she could kiss him.
"Welcome
back, Doctor," Jim said, then he pulled away,
gave Spock some time to get a few more kisses in, and then told the lift to
resume.
She
leaned against the back wall and smiled like a fool. "Are we to the planet yet?"
-------------------
The
planet was as pretty as she could ask for.
Jim had booked her and Spock into one cabin on the beach and he had the
adjoining one, which had a convenient door to open the entire area up for a
family--or less conventional groupings.
She
expected that they wouldn't leave the cabin, but Jim surprised her, changing
into swimming trunks and telling them both to do the same.
"I
see a downside to being involved with the captain," she muttered to Spock
as she slipped into her bathing suit.
"We
will have to set boundaries," he said, but he did not seem unduly
concerned, displayed more uncertainty about donning swim trunks. "Jim ordered me to bring these."
The
captain in question was standing on the deck, one leg up on the railing as he
applied sunscreen. She couldn't help but
admire him, which she thought was exactly the point.
"I
know Spock doesn't burn, Chris, but you do.
Here"--he tossed Spock the bottle--"put this on her."
He
leaned against the railing, watched Spock fix her up with a smile on his face, then he said, "Could one of you do my back?"
Spock handed her the bottle, and she took her time with Jim, heard him sigh
happily as she rubbed hard into muscles, an impromptu massage along with the sun
protection. When she finished, he grabbed
a towel and headed for the beach.
She
enjoyed the view of him walking in front of them, glanced at Spock and thought
he was enjoying the view, too. She took
his hand, and Spock looked over at her, squeezing gently.
"I
love you, Spock. Him
being here doesn't change that."
"I
know. For me as
well."
Jim
looked back at them. "Would you two
hurry up? This sun won't be up all
day."
He
bounded into the surf and she looked at Spock, who took her towel and indicated
she should join Jim. Spock laid out
their towels, obviously well versed in the human post-swim ritual. She walked into the ocean.
Jim
splashed her, then swam away. She chased him, tried to
dunk him but he got away, and then she swam away when he tried to dunk
her. A while later, he
was happily floating on his back, and she swam back to shore and joined Spock
on the towels.
"This
isn't what I expected. It's..."
"Normal?" Spock watched Jim, a fondness coming through
in the way his face softened. "He
wants that. Craves it
even."
She
nodded. "It's why he took the desk
job, why he married Lori. He told me
that when we--"
"You
can talk about it to me. You need to
talk about it to me. You are still very
angry at him. He told me that."
"I
am. He just left me."
"He
feels great regret that he did that."
"I
know." She rolled to her side,
reached out and touched his hand.
"I was his first step on the way back to not normal, to being a
captain again. Lori was hurting him and
I was in reach."
"He
loves you."
"He
didn't at first. It was just sex."
"So
were we." Spock looked amused.
"Good
point." She rolled to her
back. "So you two...did it while I
was gone?"
"Yes. It was most pleasurable."
"You
hadn't ever before?"
"You
thought we had?"
She
laughed. "The whole ship thought
you had."
"Interesting. Then the new rumors will be no different than
the old."
She
coughed pointedly.
"Aside
from the addition of a third party, of course."
"Aside
from that." She smiled and closed her eyes. "This is nice."
Jim
finally came up to where they were and fell on the towel on her other
side. "Damn, the water's
great."
"It
is nice."
"I
will take your words for it." Spock
rolled over on his stomach, face turned to her, eyes closed, a slight smile playing
on his lips.
She looked over at Jim who was watching her with an unguarded look. So much affection. So much desire.
"I'm
glad we're here," he said, as he ran his hand lightly up her arm, making
her shiver. "And I mean we three."
"Me,
too."
He
moved so he was leaning over her, kissed her, getting her wet again, but she
didn't mind. She wrapped her arms around
him and kissed him back, knowing Spock was watching them, knowing this was all
right.
Or
hoping it was at any rate. But Spock
didn't say anything, so she decided he was fine with it.
Jim
let her go. "He's a few kisses
ahead of me, so I think it's all right if I sneak a few."
"It
is not sneaking if I am lying right here, Jim.
Nor am I ahead of you if you had a relationship with her prior to
mine."
"Note
to self," Jim said as he moved back to his own towel. "Do not argue with Vulcans."
"Or that Vulcan anyway."
"Right. Or that Vulcan." He smiled at Spock. "Our Vulcan."
Spock
sighed, and it was a contented sound. Chapel
closed her eyes and let the sun and the sea air relax her. And Jim fell asleep,
his soft snores making her smile.
----------------
Jim
had them eat a big lunch. "We're
not going to want to be overfull later."
She
grinned, Spock nodded sagely, and Jim wolfed down food as if he wasn't going to
get another meal for a while.
After
lunch, Spock retired to read, and she and Jim swam more.
Jim
floated in to shore, stood thigh deep in the water, and watched her as she dove to the bottom.
Then he held his hand out.
"Come walk with me."
She
swam to him and they walked for a long time, not saying much, stopping to look
for beach glass and shells and other treasures.
She
took him a piece of red beach glass and he didn't look at it, just stared at
her. "What?"
"I
need to know that we're okay before we do anything more. That what happened, how we ended, is in the
past."
"You
don't want me throwing it in your face anymore?"
"No. I'm sincerely sorry, but I can't change it,
as you said. I want us to start
fresh."
"If
it had just been sex, just been a little fling, I wouldn't have
cared." She moved closer to
him. "But I fell in love with
you."
"If
it had just been a little fling, I could have said goodbye." He pulled her to him, kissed her for a long
time. It wasn't a passionate kiss. More sweet than heady.
A kiss of forgiveness, of apology, of starting over.
Then
he pulled away. "Spock's waiting
for us."
"Yes,
he is."
"You
ready?"
"I've
never done this. Not even in my wild
college days."
He
laughed. "I may have. But it was just sex. This isn't." He put his arm around her as they walked back
to the cabin. "And that makes this
so much more complicated. This is a
relationship."
"We'll
figure it out as we go, I guess?"
He
started to laugh. "Spock's found us
three religions we could join that allow multiple partner relationships and are
sanctioned by Star Fleet."
"Isn't
that a little disingenuous?"
"That's
what I said." He laughed
again. "Spock said one of them
appeared to be set up solely to give 'respectability' to fringe groups."
"We're
a fringe group now?"
"I
feel a little fringe like. I don't look
forward to telling Bones about our arrangement, do you?"
"He'll
probably want to join in." She
started to laugh. "And then Ny and Jan will, too."
"If
we recruit, we could probably put together a decent softball team."
She
chuckled. "Let's not recruit."
"Pooping
on the party already. I can see
how this is going to go." He
pointed down the beach, to their cabin and the man standing on the porch. "There he is. Looks a little antsy to
me."
"To
me, too, actually."
"I
think he wants his woman."
"It's
possible he wants his man."
"Would
not surprise me." Jim
grinned. "I am good in bed."
She
slapped him lightly on the chest, then said, "Race you to Spock," and
took off running.
She almost beat him.
---------------
It
was the awkward moment she thought Jim had been trying to get them to slowly
all day. The moment where they stood, in
the biggest of the bedrooms, clustered together the way they would at a party
or a beam-out site. No
one making the first move.
"Oh,
for God's sake. We've all seen each other naked." She slipped off her swimming suit and they
both watched her.
When
neither made a move to do the same, she undressed Spock, then
did the same for Jim.
"I
love a take-charge woman, Spock."
"Indeed.
Most useful."
"I'll
show you useful." She pulled Spock
down to her, kissed him hard, felt him pull Jim in, and then they were moving,
three bodies as one toward the bed.
Until
they ran into the nightstand instead.
Jim
started to laugh and pushed her down onto the bed, then followed her while
Spock walked around the bed and lay down on her other side. "This does not need to be so damned
serious."
Spock
nuzzled her neck as Jim kissed his way to parts further south. She arched her back, moaned as they took her
slowly--tortuously slowly--to heaven.
Jim
eased away, watched her face as Spock moved above her, into her. Jim smiled and kissed her, then pulled Spock
down to kiss him, too.
She'd
thought it might be strange, to watch them together, but it was nice, it felt
good that they were all enjoying, all touching.
She slid her hand down Jim's body, stopped
when she found Kirk Junior, heard Jim groan and smiled. She had to let go as Spock sped up his pace, found
herself coming again, Spock letting out a cry as he
followed her.
She
lost track after that of who was doing what to whom. Sometimes she watched, sometimes she was a
participant, it didn't matter. Spock had
stocked the nightstand drawer while they'd been walking,
anything they needed was just an arm's length away.
And
they used it all.
More
than once.
As
they collapsed around each other after a particularly inventive round, Chapel
said, "So, this trial run you had--just how many times did you run the
trial? Because you two
look mighty comfortable with each other."
"As
you know, Christine, some activities can be enjoyable in the short term but not
the long." Spock's tone was the one
he usually reserved for boring lectures--or whoppers of lies. "The novelty effect could not be
discounted, so it was wise that Jim and I work through that and ensure our
sexual compatibility could be sustained for the duration."
"Wow, that sounded pompous," Jim said, pulling her closer. "We knew this was going to be awkward,
Chris. Spock and I were going to be a
big part of that awkward, so we worked through it so this would be
better."
She
started to laugh, and Spock shook his head.
"I do not think the 'we are great humanitarians' angle is playing
any better than my logical one, Jim."
"So,
let me get this straight," she said.
"I was in the middle of a planetary crisis and you two were making
like bunnies back on the ship?"
"Oh,
like you didn't have fun down there," Jim said with a grin. "I talked to one of my Ops buddies while
I was waiting for you. You were quite
the hit with that crowd."
Spock looked startled.
"I
don't mean she slept with any of them.
But she was deemed a kindred spirit."
She
nodded. "It's true. If this doesn't work out, I know where I'm
going next."
"If
you enjoyed it, there's no reason you cannot go there next regardless of our
success as a sexual unit." Spock
pursed his lips, as if he was already planning her future.
"He
can take the romance out of things so damn fast..." Jim moved so he had better access to her,
began to stroke, and she began to moan.
"Maybe I can put some back in."
Spock
watched them, a small smile on his face.
He leaned down and kissed her, reached out to run his hand through Jim's
hair.
Then she quit paying attention to what Spock was doing to Jim, because Jim had
found the sweet spot and was working it for all he was worth. Spock kissed down her neck, to her breasts,
moving back and forth between them, sucking hard as she writhed beneath their
mutual efforts.
When
Jim kissed his way back up her body, he was grinning like a fool. "Spock, we are one hell of a team."
"This
should come as no surprise."
She
laughed, but not very hard. Breathing
was more important. "I'm not going
to be able to walk after this."
"Did
you get that, Spock?"
"I
believe she said something about walking."
"The
most walking any of us will be doing is to the intercom to order food or the
chiller to grab a beer."
"Good
planning," she said, trying hard to make her words understandable.
"Thank
you." Then he looked over at Spock,
his expression turning serious, even a little humble. "And thank you, my friend. For letting me in."
Spock's
eyes were very soft as he touched them each on the cheek. "It was the logical thing to do."
FIN