DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the
property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The
story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c)
2013 by Djinn. This story is Rated R.
Never Give All The Heart
by Djinn
Kirk
sits at the dining room table in the apartment he shares with Lori and drinks
another glass of scotch.
ÒYou
might want to go easy on that,Ó she says from the kitchen.
ÒYou
might want to mind your own business.Ó
To
say their relationship is bad would be an understatement of gigantic
proportions.
ÒYou
going out tonight?Ó Her voice is
angry, which means itÕs not any different than any other day. SheÕs angry when she complains about how
bad his mood is after work—does she think he should embrace the concept
of useless meetings and politics?
Or how heÕs too neat—is it his fault he likes a clean place and that
he is always picking up her crap around the house?
He
takes another sip before he says, ÒHavenÕt decided.Ó
ÒWell,
donÕt let me keep you. IÕm sure
sheÕs waiting.Ó
He
doesnÕt react to her statement.
LoriÕs been suggesting he has another woman for months now.
Truth
is, heÕs only had one for three weeks.
And
Lori has no idea who it is, or sheÕd stomp over and give the other woman a
piece of her mind.
ÒI
leave the house to get the hell away from you, darling, not to screw someone
else.Ó This used to be true. It was how he ran into his other
woman—walking around Golden Gate Park at night, looking conspicuous among
the couples and the joggers and those out walking their dogs until he ran into
her. Two solo beings strolling
along, reconnecting in ways neither expected.
He
gets up, downs his scotch, grabs his coat, and leaves without saying
goodbye. Lori doesnÕt say a
word—no taunt to walk him out of the apartment.
Maybe
she doesnÕt care what he does?
Maybe the anger is just a Pavlovian response
when she hears his voice, sees his face, shares space with him?
He
walks the four blocks to a high-rise that looks pretty much like the one he
lives in, holds his palm to the door, and smiles when it lets him in. He wasnÕt on the door last time. Had to buzz for admittance.
ChapelÕs waiting at the doorway, leaning against the
doorframe.
ÒHowÕd
you know I was coming?Ó he asks. ÒI
thought since I was on the door I could surprise you.Ó
ÒI
wanted you to have a free pass to get inside, but not to surprise me.Ó She winks at him. ÒI put an alert in with your access.Ó
ÒAh.Ó He takes a breath. Then he frowns. ÒYou donÕt like surprises?Ó
ÒNot
when itÕs about us.Ó Something
changes in her expression. ÒIs
there an us, Jim?Ó
ÒIÕm
here, arenÕt I?Ó
ÒNot
the greatest answer, love.Ó
He
studies her. Did she call him that
because she loves him? Or because itÕs a snotty thing to say if she doesnÕt? ÒChris, IÕve had a shitty day at
Command, and IÕve been drinking and fighting with Lori.Ó
She
laughs—but itÕs not a happy sound.
ÒIÕve had an okay day, but IÕm sick of working with cadavers.Ó
ÒI
win.Ó He finds himself grinning,
the first time that day. ÒCan I
come in?Ó
She
nods and steps aside, smiling as he slips his hand around her waist when he
moves past her, as he draws her in his wake to the table, where he lifts her up
and kisses her.
She
wraps her legs around him as if he might try to escape. Fleeing is the last thing on his mind.
As
he pulls off her shirt, he finally relaxes, finally feels like heÕs somewhere
he actually wants to be.
She
peels his shirt off, then goes to work on the fastener
of his pants. He kicks his shoes
off, then pushes her to her back and undoes her pants and pulls them off.
ÒIÕm
not sure how it happened, Jim, but we appear to be naked.Ó
ÒItÕs
the damnedest thing, isnÕt it?Ó He
grins as she sits up, as she pulls him closer, into her, and he moans with
relief.
Their
first time is quick; he canÕt hold out for long, but he makes sure she is
satisfied before he lets himself go.
They stay together, holding tight and kissing, for several minutes
before he eases out of her and lets her down.
ÒIÕve
missed you,Ó she says. ÒFour days
is four too many.Ó
Lori
used to say stuff like that to him.
Now she probably thinks four weeks apart wouldnÕt be too many. The only reason she hasnÕt moved out is
that sheÕs too busy being NoguraÕs golden child—Kirk
barely sees her. And he knows they
both love the apartment and its view.
Deciding who will keep it when their sham of a marriage is up will no
doubt be ugly.
ÒBe
a hell of a lot more time between visits once youÕre gone on my ship.Ó HeÕs trying to be funny but doesnÕt come
off that way.
ÒWillÕs ship,Ó she says so softly he
almost misses it.
He
can feel his mouth getting tight.
ÒJesus,Ó
she says, looking away. ÒItÕs just
the truth, Jim.Ó
ÒMaybe
coming here was a mistake.Ó
ÒWhy? Because I say the
truth or ask inconvenient questions? Like whether thereÕs an
us? Do I want too much?Ó
ÒWhat
the hell do you want? YouÕre
leaving—how can you want much of anything from me?Ó
ÒDo
you want me to stay on Earth?Ó She
is looking at him with an expression he canÕt read.
ÒIÕm
not going to tell you to give up an assignment like that. ItÕll make your career, and we both know
it.Ó
ÒWell,
I think IÕve proven in the past that IÕm willing to derail my career if the
manÕs worth it.Ó She walks to the
kitchen and pours herself a glass of wine.
ÒYou want something?Ó
ÒDo
you have scotch?Ó
She
nods. She must have bought it for
him. She didnÕt have any the last
time he was here.
ÒDo
you even want me to stay?Ó She
looks up from pouring his drink.
ÒWill you find someone else to cheat with as soon as IÕm gone?Ó
ÒWonÕt
have to cheat once youÕre gone.
Renewal date for the marriage is just about when you report to Will. IÕm not renewing. Pretty sure Lori isnÕt going to suggest
we continue, either. So whoever I
replace you with wonÕt be my mistress—sheÕll have to settle for being just
a girlfriend.Ó
Something
changes in ChrisÕs face, something that he reads as hurt and
disappointment. She busies herself
with putting the scotch away, then bringing him out his drink.
ÒSorry. Did you want to try something long
distance? Be my girlfriend instead
of my mistress?Ó
ÒNot
anymore.Ó She takes a long, ragged
breath. ÔYouÕre not at your best,
Jim. YouÕre mean when youÕre
unhappy.Õ
ÒI
know. Does it help if I say IÕm
sorry that IÕm that way?Ó
ÒNot
if youÕre going to keep doing it.Ó
She drinks her wine too fast, as if sheÕs trying to catch up with
him. Then she sighs and walks away,
going to the window, looking out at the city spread before her. ÒIÕm going to miss this view.Ó
ÒIÕll
trade you the one from my apartment for your view from the ship.Ó HeÕs only
kind of kidding.
ÒYouÕre
going to be CMO? For Will
Decker?Ó She laughs and itÕs not a
nice sound. ÒMaybe you could launch
a coup from sickbay?Ó
He
joins her at the window. ÒI
recommended him, you know? I may
want the ship back but not enough to try to steal it from him.Ó
ÒNo?Ó She glances at him. ÒIÕm not so sure. Like I said, youÕre mean these days.Ó
ÒAnd
youÕre suddenly very honest.Ó He
sighs, downs his drink. ÒDo you
want me here?Ó
ÒI
told you I do. I missed you. Missing you makes me mean.Ó She reaches
out for his hand, and the soft touch of her skin against his calms him down a
little. ÒIt would be bad to fall in
love with you, wouldnÕt it?Ó
ÒI
donÕt think IÕd recommend it.Ó He
squeezes her hand. ÒIÕm a son of a
bitch.Ó
ÒNot
when youÕre on a ship.Ó
ÒIÕm
horny and alone on a ship. My
rules...Ó
ÒGive
me a break, Jim.Ó Again the nasty
laugh comes out. ÒMaybe youÕre technically
alone, since you wonÕt date your crew, but really alone? I saw how many women you nailed.Ó
ÒYou
saw how many women I talked to. I
donÕt believe you were anywhere near the bedroom—or wherever I happened
to be with them. I didnÕt sleep
with them all, Chris.Ó
ÒBut
you slept with a lot of them. ItÕs
okay—IÕm not judging. IÕm
just finding your statement stupid.Ó
She lets go of his hand.
ÒDonÕt treat me like we donÕt have history, Jim. You know me and I know you.Ó
She
rubs his neck, then slides her hand up under his
hair. HeÕs helpless when she does
that.
ÒWould
you stay?Ó he asks softly enough that she can ignore it if she wants.
ÒProbably.Ó
He
sighs. ItÕs a good answer, better
than a no. But he doesnÕt like who
he is with her, not here, on Terra Firma.
He doesnÕt like who he is period.
ÒDonÕt.Ó
She
drops her hand. ÒWhy canÕt you just
let yourself love me?Ó The words
would come off as pathetic if her voice wasnÕt so resigned.
ÒI
never signed up for love.Ó
ÒNeither
did I. That doesnÕt mean I didnÕt
fall.Ó She moves away from
him. ÒIÕm going to bed. Why donÕt you go home to the wife you
hate?Ó
He
waits until sheÕs gone into the bedroom, then pours himself another drink and
takes it into the bedroom. He
watches her as she lies in bed, the comforter pulled up like sheÕs suddenly
very cold.
With
another sigh, he goes to the other side of the bed, sets his glass on the
nightstand, and climbs in.
ÒYouÕre
here for round two?Ó She turns away
from him. ÒIÕm not in the mood.Ó
HeÕs
suddenly not in the mood, either.
HeÕs hurt himself as much as her, but she doesnÕt seem to realize
that. He scoots closer, spooning
her, snaking his arm over her waist.
ÒIÕm sorry, sweetheart.Ó
He
can feel her relaxing in his arms.
She loves being called that and he hardly ever does it.
ÒAre
you going to sleep here, Jim?Ó
He
never has. Has always gone home to his
place afterwards. HeÕs tired of
that. Not when thereÕs so little
time left. ÒIs that okay?Ó
ÒYes.Ó She puts her hand over his. ÒI wish you loved me.Ó
The
hell of it is: he does. He doesnÕt
tell her that, though. He settles
for kissing her neck and holding her close. As she falls asleep in his arms, he
counts the days till sheÕll leave on his ship—with another man.
##
Kirk
wanders the corridors of his ship. His ship. Again.
After
he stole it from Decker, just like Chris thought he would.
Decker
is dead. Ilia is
dead. Lori is dead, too. What the hell was he thinking taking the
transporter controls over from Rand?
Was Lori dead because of him?
Had he done everything he could?
He
didnÕt know it was her. At least there was that. He didnÕt know it was her
so whatever anger remained couldnÕt have been driving him. There was no way he let her die, no way he didnÕt try everything he could, because he
didnÕt know it was her.
And
it was Sonak, too. A friend of
his—or nearly one.
Someone he recommended so Will could have a
Vulcan of his own.
A
Vulcan. He sighs and itÕs half a happy
sound, and half not.
Spock
is back. Spock could have died
during the meld with VÕger, but he didnÕt. He lay on the sickbay bed and held KirkÕs
hand and talked about simple feelings.
And then, when Kirk had been leaving to go back to the bridge and turned
to say something to Chris, he saw how Spock was looking at her.
The
feelings didnÕt look so damn simple from that vantage point.
And
she was looking back in the same fucking way.
ItÕs
okay, though, if Chris wants Spock.
Kirk has his rules, after all.
Rand has already put in a transfer request. HeÕd be offended if he werenÕt also
relieved. Chris might be next, and
he doesnÕt want that.
He
wants her on the ship.
Does
he want her on the ship with his best friend, though?
But
she loved Spock first. And Kirk
never told her he loved her.
Why
the hell didnÕt he?
He
sighs as he feels his ship purring beneath him. He knows why he didnÕt. The man he is here, on this wonderful
vessel, is not the man he was on Earth.
Chris
got the worst of him. That she even
wants to talk to him is a miracle.
He
tries not to picture the smile she gave Spock in sickbay. An open, easy—happy—smile. She hasnÕt looked happy with Kirk for
months.
Did
she ever look that happy with him?
Did
she ever love him the way she does Spock?
These
are useless questions. He tries to
push her from his mind and wanders down more corridors, learning his rebuilt
girlÕs secrets.
##
Kirk
watches Chris as she plays the game everyone seems to be addicted to. SheÕs laughing and she looks happy. Spock comes into the lounge, sees Kirk
waiting for him, chessboard ready to go, and nods. Then he heads over to where she is standing.
They
talk for a moment, and she puts her hand on his arm—and sheÕs laughing
again. God damn it all to hell,
theyÕre happy together.
And in the open.
They donÕt hide that theyÕre together. Kirk made her skulk around in the
shadows when she was with him, and he doesnÕt think sheÕs quite forgiven him
for that—or for not even pursuing her once they were on the ship
together.
Or
it might just be that heÕs never forgiven himself for either of those things. She hasnÕt looked over at him since she
said hello with a sweet smile, and she and Spock have that unmistakable Òcouple
that is going to make itÓ look.
He
hates his best friend right now.
He
hates himself more.
HeÕs
trying not to hate Chris since he never gave her much of a choice—or a
chance. She probably has no idea
how much he loves her.
Would
it have killed him to let her in on that?
Spock
leaves her and joins Kirk at the table heÕs picked. ÒJim.Ó He sits and stares at Kirk for a moment,
then turns his attention to the chessboard.
Kirk
turns his attention back to Chris.
ÒI
find it interesting—if not somewhat disconcerting—that neither of
you have ever told me you were involved.Ó
Spock meets his eyes. ÒWhy
is that?Ó
ÒWho
says we were involved?Ó Kirk gives
Spock the breeziest smile he can.
ÒJust nice to see her happy.Ó
Spock
gives him a look that says he clearly knows Kirk is lying. ÒThe meld, Jim. It is hard to hide things.Ó
ÒTalk
to her, then. If she still has
feelings for me.Ó
SpockÕs eyes narrow.
ÒWhether she does or not is not the issue. She is with me. She is happy with me. Whatever you had—during your short
sojourn together—will not get in the way of that.Ó SpockÕs voice is extraordinarily gentle
while he makes his speech.
ÒUhhh. Okay.Ó
ÒJim,
I know you and I know your rules. I
also know how you can be when you are unhappy—and I imagine you were very
unhappy without the ship. The
memories I get from her regarding you are...mixed, at best. Moreover, Christine loved me first. And she is happy now. Can you make her happy?Ó
ÒYou
think I canÕt?Ó
ÒHere,
I mean. Aboard
this ship. Not
hypothetically.Ó
Kirk
shakes his head, feels his mouth tightening. ÒI have my rules.Ó
ÒAs
I said.Ó Spock leans back, studies
him in a way that seems just the slightest bit pitying. ÒIf I thought I was getting in the way
of an extraordinary connection, I would perhaps move aside. But you did not tell me about your
history with her and neither did she.
How extraordinary can it be?Ó
ÒCan
we just play chess?Ó Kirk hates
that he sounds...hurt. He reaches
for his drink, downs it quickly.
ÒIÕd say drinks are on me to celebrate you being so goddamned happy, but
waterÕs free.Ó He gets up and walks
to the bar, getting a refill and a glass of water for Spock. No ice, because thatÕs how his friend
likes it.
Kirk
closes his eyes. ÒGet a goddamn
grip,Ó he mutters, then smiles at the crewman tending
bar before he takes the drinks back.
As
he sits down, Spock says softly, ÒI did not say those things to upset you. I only want to make sure we understand
each other. And to get this out.Ó
ÒDoes
Chris know youÕre doing this? Have
you talked to her about it?Ó
SpockÕs
expression changes, and Kirk knows heÕs scored a hit. Maybe Spock isnÕt as sanguine as he puts
on.
##
ItÕs
shore leave and Kirk finds several pretty local women to spend the afternoon
with, wandering the very inviting planet the ship has stopped at. They laugh as they take the transport
around the island theyÕve convinced him he has
to visit, and they drink too much at lunch.
ÒI
am in love with someone,Ó he says, then frowns. Why the hell is he telling these two strangers
this stupid truth when he couldnÕt tell Chris?
The
blonder of the two of them—their names are so similar he keeps screwing
them up—laughs. ÒDid we
forget to mention that honesty is a side effect of this drink?Ó She holds up her glass. ÒI donÕt mind that youÕre in love with
someone as long as you pick me to be with tonight.Ó She looks at the other woman, who rolls
her eyes. ÒOr pick us both—I guess
that would be okay.Ó
ÒIÕd
rather he picked us both. I hate
melancholy.Ó The other woman grins
at him. ÒItÕs another possible side
effect. Depends on how much you
drink.Ó
ÒIÕll
stop now.Ó He leans in. ÒIÕll happily pick both of
you—weÕve had so much fun.Ó
They
smile. The blonder one stands and
takes his hand. ÒMy place is closer
than hers.Ó
ÒDoes
the someone youÕre in love with love you back?Ó the other one asks, apparently
not smart enough to realize questions like that are what bring on the
melancholy she claims to dislike.
ÒI
donÕt know if she does anymore.
SheÕs with someone else.Ó
ÒYes,
I figured that since sheÕs not here.Ó
ÒWell,
she might not be on my ship.Ó
ÒBut
then why would you be doing this with us if you really love her and she was
yours?Ó
He
laughs, a bitter puff of air. ÒWhy
indeed?Ó He smiles at her. ÒPlease stop talking about her. I clearly didnÕt love her enough.Ó
The
blonder one leans in and kisses his cheek.
ÒI think youÕre really sad.Ó
ÒI
hate this goddamned honesty.Ó He
hopes it doesnÕt translate to an honest critique of his sexual technique. Or hell, maybe he does. Maybe he wants to know if heÕs as good
as he thinks. Chris sure didnÕt
seem to think so if she could just run off with Spock.
Clearly,
the drink-induced honesty canÕt stop him from lying to himself.
Chris didnÕt run off. He ran her off. Got more and more distant the closer
they came to the shipÕs relaunch.
They
could have made it work. ThatÕs the
hell of it. Her
on the ship, him on Earth.
He could have been faithful.
CouldnÕt
he?
ÒIÕm
not sure I like either of you that much,Ó he murmurs. ÒI wish I was with her.Ó
ÒWell,
go get her, tough guy.Ó They both
look equally blonde in this light, so he has no idea which
one is goading him. ÒGo get this
love of your life.Ó
He
shakes his head. ÒCanÕt.Ó
ÒQuit
talking about her, then. ItÕs
boring.Ó The other one takes his
hand and leads him off.
They
lose the one who was goading him somewhere along the way to the other womanÕs
apartment. He really doesnÕt give a
shit.
##
A
new planet, a new month, and heÕs sitting in a banquet
hall with Chris and Scotty. He left
Spock with the conn, and Spock didnÕt seem to think that was a bad thing—didnÕt
seem to care that he was taking Chris instead of Bones.
Hell,
Spock probably thought it was about damn time Kirk started treating his woman
like a professional and not something to be avoided.
One
of their hosts comes over and asks if he can borrow Mister Scott for an
engineering question. Kirk grins
and makes a ÒheÕs all yoursÓ gesture.
ÒAlone
at last,Ó Chris says, and there is a world of sarcasm in her voice.
ÒUs
and about fifty of our hosts.Ó He
turns to her. ÒSorry IÕve left you
out of most of my landing parties.Ó
ÒI
figured you were avoiding me.Ó
ÒYou
figured right. ItÕs...hard, for me,
anyway.Ó
ÒYou
think it isnÕt for me?Ó
He
shrugs and looks away, making sure theyÕre not being watched as they finally
have this talk. ÒYou seem pretty
chipper these days.Ó
ÒIÕm
happy. With Spock. Would you rather I was miserable? Pining away for you?Ó
ÒMaybe.Ó He laughs softly and hears her do the
same. ÒDidnÕt expect honesty, huh?Ó
ÒIÕm
not sure what I expect from you anymore, Jim. You made things so damned unpleasant
just before I reported to the ship, then your first act when you staged your
palace coup was to demote me.Ó
ÒThat
wasnÕt personal.Ó
ÒLike
hell.Ó
ÒI
needed Bones.Ó
ÒIÕm
not going to argue about this. IÕm
over it.Ó She leans back in her
chair and sighs.
ÒYou
donÕt sound over it.Ó He pitches
his voice lower. ÒOr is me youÕre
not over?Ó
ÒYour
chutzpah is outshone only by your ego.Ó
She signals the server to fill her wine glass again. ÒIÕm happy with Spock. I love Spock.Ó
ÒYou
loved me once.Ó
ÒI
still love you, you big dope. But
that doesnÕt mean IÕm going to leave him for a promise of...what? Soulful glances across the rec lounge
and nothing more because of your stupid rules?Ó
ÒWould
you leave him if there were a promise of more?Ó He sounds entirely too hopeful.
ÒProbably
not, Jim. HeÕs good to me. You werenÕt.Ó
ÒI
could have been.Ó
ÒCoulda, woulda, shoulda. You
had me—I was in love with you.
And you made sure I never forgot I was your mistress. ItÕs nice to be with someone who
actually seems proud of me.Ó
He
turns to look at her. ÒYou think
IÕm not proud of you?Ó
ÒI
donÕt know what you think of me.Ó
She downs half her wine in one swallow.
ÒAre
you proud of me?Ó It is an odd
question to ask her. After all
this—now that he has what he wants.
Who cares if sheÕs proud of him?
ÒSure,
Jim. IÕm very proud of you.Ó She finishes the rest of her wine and
seems relieved when a member of the medical staff comes to ask her if sheÕd
like a tour of their trauma unit.
She
leaves him alone. He doesnÕt stay
that way for long; their hosts are eager to impress him. But he feels her absence far more than
he should.
##
ItÕs
been a year. Kirk has given up
hoping Spock and Chris will peter out as a couple. They seem right together, and Spock, for
all that heÕs not afraid to call Kirk on his behavior on the rare occasions
Kirk lets something nasty slip, does not rub the relationship in. Spock even encourages occasional innocuous
outings as a threesome. Lunch. Shore leave
excursions. Even dinner at the Vulcan embassy, where Kirk definitely felt like
the third wheel.
ItÕs taken time but theyÕve reached some new set point for
normal.
The
Enterprise is rendezvousing with the
Vulcan vessel Symmetry, which has
taken on passengers from Hellguard—a world the
Romulans were using to conduct experiments, including mating programs, on
captured Vulcans. The Symmetry is overtaxed and the Enterprise is close by: why not help?
Spock
beams over and takes Chris with him.
A while later, he beams back with fifteen Vulcan adults in various
stages of distress and malnourishment and a girl, about ten from what Kirk can
tell, who seems healthier.
The
Vulcan adults seem grateful to be rescued, go about their business in a way he
expects from Vulcans. The girl, Saavik,
on the other hand, is a hellion. Kirk
finds Spock with her in the gym—it looks like Spock has her cornered near
the free weights. Chris is sitting
off to the side on the mats, and she motions for Kirk not to interfere.
He
sits down by her, murmurs, ÒDo I want to know whatÕs going on?Ó
ÒShe
stabbed me. Spock took
exception. TheyÕre working things
out.Ó
ÒHe
brought her here to do that?Ó
ÒMore
like cornered her here. SheÕs half Romulan—did you know that?Ó
ÒHe
left that part out.Ó
ÒItÕs
because the breeding program was humiliating. Especially the half-breed—his
word, not mine—children.Ó
ÒVulcans:
infinite diversity in infinite combinations unless it hits too close to home.Ó
She
nods. ÒIÕm afraid so.Ó She rubs her arms and he sees a scratch
running up from her wrist to her elbow.
ÒHoly
shit.Ó He can tell sheÕs
regenerated it once. ÒYou werenÕt
kidding about the stabbing.Ó
ÒNope.Ó
ÒWhyÕd
Spock let her keep a knife?Ó
ÒHe
didnÕt. She made one out of a
toothbrush.Ó
ÒIÕm
not even going to ask how she did that.Ó
He watches as Spock maneuvers the girl more tightly into the corner, all
the while murmuring softly to her.
ÒShe
had to fight every day for survival.
He...feels for her.Ó
ÒDo
you?Ó
ÒNot
so much since she sliced my arm up.Ó
She scratches the new skin again.
ÒMaybe in time.Ó
Saavik
finally drops the knife and crouches to the ground, hiding her head in her arms
as if Spock will beat her now that she has submitted.
ÒWhat
the hell did they do to her?Ó
ÒIt
was bad. Whatever it was. She doesnÕt talk about it. Not to me, anyway.Ó
He
wonders if this child will be the thing that begins to push Spock and Chris
away from each other. But then
Spock gently pulls Saavik up and brings her over to where Chris and he are
sitting.
ÒApologize
to my mate.Ó
His
mate? Holy crap, have things progressed that
far? Or maybe he is just using
terms the girl will understand. He
and Chris havenÕt bonded, have they?
ÒI
am sorry,Ó the girl says, her eyes burning as she
looks at Chris. She sounds light years away from apologetic.
Chris
doesnÕt answer.
ÒChristine,
she is trying.Ó SpockÕs hand rests
on the girlÕs shoulder, and he is looking at Chris sternly.
ÒNo,
sheÕs not, Spock. SheÕs doing that
to mollify you because thatÕs all sheÕs learned.Ó
The
girlÕs expression grows more fierce.
ÒChristine.Ó
ÒFine. Saavik and I are fine.Ó Chris gets up and walks out of the gym.
This
is definitely going to be trouble for them. Kirk can feel it in his bones.
And
it makes him way too happy.
##
Spock
comes to Kirk the next day; he has his hands clasped behind his back as he
stares out the viewscreen. It is KirkÕs experience that this pose
often precedes his friend asking something uncomfortable.
ÒJust
say it, Spock. Whatever it is you
want to talk about.Ó He smiles when
Spock turns around to look at him, one eyebrow rising. ÒItÕs usually against my religion to
give away another personÕs Ôtell,Õ but you really need to work on that one. ItÕs only gotten worse since VÕger.Ó
At
SpockÕs look of incomprehension, Kirk turns around and clasps his hands behind
his back, trying to take on the vestige of forced Vulcan repose.
ÒAh.Ó Spock unclasps his hand and sits at
KirkÕs table. ÒI wish to ask you
for a leave of absence.Ó
Kirk
is expecting this, to be honest. Saavik
hasnÕt tried to stab Chris again, but she did put some nasty stuff in her
dinner one night. ÒTaking the
little one home to the parents?Ó He
grins.
ÒI
believe I can do better with her on Vulcan. Around her own kind.Ó
Kirk
realizes Spock has never talked about Saavik being half Romulan;
he only knows that from Chris. He
decides to leave it alone if Spock is uncomfortable with that aspect of
SaavikÕs personality. ÒHer own kind
and Chris, you mean?Ó
ÒNo,
Jim. Her own
kind. Well, and my mother
will provide a human aspect—but in a way that is more in line with what
will be expected from Saavik as a Vulcan.Ó
ÒHow
long an absence are we talking about?Ó
ÒSaavikÕs
progress is much slower than I anticipated. I imagine I will need four to five
months.Ó
ÒMonths?Ó He stares at his friend.
ÒI
have a list of potential replacement science officers.Ó
Kirk
waves that away. ÒI can find my own
damn replacements for you, Spock. I
had to do it once already, remember?Ó
HeÕs never understood how Spock could abandon him. Their first mission wasnÕt even finished
when he left. ÒWhy are you leaving
Chris out of this?Ó
ÒChristine
and Saavik...there is conflict.Ó
ÒWell,
the way to resolve conflict between two people who are going to be prominent in
your life is to make them interact, not remove them from each other.Ó ItÕs how Kirk has dealt with Spock and
Bones, who rubbed each other wrong from day one. And his method worked: they do much
better now, although the outside observer might not see that.
ÒI
can hardly stay on the ship with Saavik, Jim. She is a ten-year-old child and a
violent one at that.Ó
ÒIÕm
not saying stay on the ship. IÕm
saying take Chris with you.Ó Jesus,
why is he giving Spock this much help?
He
remembers what it felt like when Spock told him he was leaving. The pit of emptiness
in his stomach. That is
undoubtedly why he is helping. That
and he does love Chris and this will hurt her.
ÒJim,
I suggest you leave the management of my relationship with Christine to me.Ó
ÒAre
you afraid Saavik will attack her again?
Are you doing this to protect her?Ó
Spock
sighs, as if he wishes Kirk would stop talking. ÒChristineÕs method of dealing with
Saavik is...counterproductive in my estimation.Ó
ÒLet
me guess? She wants her to mind? DoesnÕt give her an out all the time.Ó Kirk has a feeling Spock would deem his
methods counterproductive, too. The
girl isnÕt just traumatized: sheÕs a brat and she plays Spock masterfully. But then, on the planet she grew up on,
those who couldnÕt manipulate others probably didnÕt survive long.
Spock
turns and goes back to the viewscreen.
ÒSpock,
do this and youÕll lose Chris.Ó
ÒBecause
you will take her from me?Ó
ÒNo,
because running from things that make you uncomfortable is the wrong way to
go. IÕd have thought Gol would have taught you that.Ó
He
sees SpockÕs hands clench; it is as low a blow as he thought it would be.
ÒTake
Chris with you. IÕll give you both
leaves of absence and replace you with temps. You can come back together when youÕre
ready. Spock, IÕm thinking of you,
here. And her. The two of you are happy. You wonÕt be when this is over.Ó
Spock
turns. ÒWill you help that
along? Her unhappiness? Will you work the situation to your
advantage?Ó
He
decides not to lie. ÒQuite possibly. Not at first but the longer sheÕs
alone...yes, probably. ItÕs not as
if youÕre being shipped out for a special mission. This is a family thing, and IÕve heard
you call her your mate, yet youÕre leaving her out. On purpose. SheÕll see it as abandonment—I can
guarantee it.Ó He moves closer,
touches SpockÕs arm. ÒSpock. Do us all a favor. Take her with you.Ó
ÒI
will consider it.Ó The words sound promising,
but they are said in a tone that clearly means Spock will not do any such
thing.
##
The
ship is strange without Spock. Kirk
is making himself stay away from Chris.
She looks miserable, though, and itÕs difficult not to try to make
things better. He never did that
when he was the one making her unhappy.
ItÕs more than tempting to try to make up for SpockÕs lack.
But
his friend might wise up and come back.
Sooner than expected after dumping Saavik the Terror at the Vulcan
equivalent of reform school. And
Kirk wants to give him a chance to repair things with Chris. He may want her for himself, but Spock
is his friend and itÕs not usually his habit to poach a friendÕs woman.
Not
usually, but itÕs happened. Carol
was dating his friend Lew Mannicker when Kirk first
met her. Their chemistry was
instantaneous. He didnÕt look back.
Lew
is not a fan of Kirk, and thatÕs putting it mildly. Then again neither is Carol these days. Maybe it would have been better if Kirk
had just left well enough alone.
Which
is why he stays away from Chris.
He
goes to the rec lounge, sits at the bar, and looks over at the
chessboard—now put away on a side credenza with other games—with
what he knows is longing. He misses
Spock. He misses their games.
He
canÕt imagine how much Chris must miss him. Kirk isnÕt sleeping with the man and he
still feels bereft, shades of what he felt when Spock went to Gol are cropping up.
When
will he let go of that? Spock
didnÕt abandon him; he abandoned his humanity.
But...isnÕt
that sort of the same thing? Chris
used to say it was, the times they talked about Spock and his departure for
extreme Vulcanism.
God,
Kirk misses talking to her.
ÒHow
long are you going to avoid me?Ó
ChrisÕs voice is in his ear, and he realizes she is standing right
behind him. ÒHeÕs been gone for
five weeks.Ó
He
pulls her around, the way he used to do when they were together. ÒSit. I will stop doing it now.Ó
SheÕs
seeking him out, not the other way around—when all this goes south and
the recriminations start, heÕs going to hold onto that fact.
Then
again, she may just want to ask for a transfer. HeÕs reading an awful lot into a throaty
remark. Very
throaty. Did she mean to
sound that sexy?
ÒHow
are you doing?Ó he asks, trying to be the concerned friend, not the ex lover
who would like to get rid of the stupid ÒexÓ part.
ÒIÕve
been better.Ó She sighs. ÒWhy am I so easy to leave, Jim? Roger left me to go on that damned
exploration—he could have taken me with him and didnÕt. You left me when we could have tried to
make it work. And you didnÕt even
hint that you were thinking of making it work once we were both aboard the
ship. And now
Spock. He chose that little
savage over me.Ó
She
sounds pretty bitter over the little savage. Kirk tries not to feel cheered by that
and fails. This is going to destroy
her and Spock.
But
he told Spock that. He tried to
help. He tried to keep them
together.
HeÕs
going to hold onto that, too. Once
he has this woman back. ÒI canÕt
explain Roger. Or Spock. But I know I miss you and I regret what
happened.Ó
She
closes her eyes. ÒSpock said you
were against him leaving me here.Ó
ÒHe
told you that?Ó What the hell?
ÒHe
said you were a true friend. To
both of us.Ó
Was
that comment designed to keep her on the path of fidelity? Or Kirk? Spock must have known Chris would tell
him that eventually.
ÒI
am a true friend. IÕm also just a
man—a man who fell in love and was too stupid to say it.Ó
She
turns to look at him. ÒPulling out
the big guns, arenÕt you? The
L-word? You never said it when we
were together.Ó She motions the
barkeep over. ÒHeÕll have a scotch
and do you still have some of that Malbec left?Ó
Kirk
smiles. He had the quartermaster
order that wine especially for her.
He knows there is more of it left because it was a big order and not
that many people even know what Malbec is.
ÒYouÕre
being very nice, Jim. And hearing
what youÕre saying is what I need right now. But your rules still apply, right?Ó
He
meets her eyes, makes sure she is paying attention when he says softly, ÒThose
rules may have been over-enforced when it comes to you.Ó He sees her freeze, thinks there is a
moment of panic in her eyes. ÒJust
relax, Chris. It doesnÕt have to
mean anything. I know youÕre happy
with Spock. But you need to know
that while, yes, I was a bastard and I did not handle goodbye well at all, I
regret it. I deeply regret it. Not all your men leave and never come
back.Ó
She
swallows hard, grabs the wine from the bartender, and takes a healthy
swallow. ÒYou got this special just
for me, didnÕt you?Ó
ÒYep.Ó
She
doesnÕt say anything. She doesnÕt
have to.
ÒDo
you want me to go?Ó he asks. ÒI
have reports to catch up on. I can
leave you in peace with the wine you love so much.Ó He gives her the best grin he
has—the one that says Òno harm, no foul.Ó
ÒI
think that would be wise.Ó
He
downs his scotch, shoots her a gentle smile, and leaves her alone. And as he walks back to his quarters, he
feels a sense of triumph. If she
didnÕt care, she wouldnÕt have told him to leave.
##
Chris
seems to be the one avoiding him now, and he doesnÕt seek her out. HeÕll let her think about things. He has a feeling she wonÕt make a move
until Spock comes back.
He
has a feeling sheÕll do it that way because she does not want to be like
Kirk. Cheating on the person sheÕs
with—even if the person sheÕs with has abandoned her.
But
sheÕll fall harder for Kirk while sheÕs being virtuous—sheÕs proven she
can do that. She fell for Spock
while she was looking for Roger, although she probably would have kept that
fact to herself but for that stupid virus.
Kirk
sees her in the mess and smiles but moves on, getting his food and looking for
a table. When his gaze wanders her
way, she rolls her eyes and motions him over.
He
fights hard to hide his smile, knows it will telegraph way too much. ÒYou sure?Ó he asks instead when he gets
to the table, his voice as uncertain as he can make it.
Never
let it be said he canÕt pull out his inner thespian when needed.
ÒSit
your ass down, sir.Ó She winks at
him and he sits in the seat across from her—next to her would be pushing
it. ÒIÕm lonely, Jim. IÕm trying so hard to be virtuous that
IÕm not doing anything in my spare time.Ó
He
likes the idea that being virtuous is something she has to work at—but
heÕs assuming any lack of virtue would involve him. He hasnÕt seen any other man sniffing
around her, so heÕs going to go on thinking that. ÒWhat do you want to do?Ó
She
shrugs. ÒItÕs not like we left the
apartment much when we were together.
I have no idea what you like to do other than play chess, chase women,
and work out.Ó She starts to
laugh. ÒAnd beat aliens intent on
killing us all. YouÕre good at that,
but it doesnÕt sound like promising extracurricular material.Ó
ÒNo,
not really hobby stuff.Ó He
laughs. ÒFor the record: I didnÕt
chase women when we were together.
And until we were together, I never cheated on Lori.Ó
ÒAre
you telling me the truth?Ó
ÒI
am.Ó He waits to see if sheÕll
believe him. He canÕt tell at first
by her expression, but then she seems to accept what heÕs said.
ÒThatÕs
a relief, actually. Did you find a
woman the minute I reported to the ship?Ó
ThatÕs
a harder question to answer. He did
find a woman. A beautiful woman who
looked a little bit too much like Chris.
And when he got her to bed, his spirit was willing, but Jim Junior
resolutely refused to perform.
His
body knew what he needed long before his mind caught up. ÒI found one. I didnÕt have sex with her.Ó Technically. They were naked, in bed, but heÕll leave
that part out.
ÒYouÕre
lying. You have a tell, did you
know that?Ó
He
frowns. ÒNo, I donÕt.Ó
ÒYeah,
you do. And IÕm not going to let
you in on what it is.Ó Her smile is
teasing, but then it fades. ÒWhy
not just say yes, you found a woman?Ó
ÒBecause
I couldnÕt get it up with her. And
thatÕs embarrassing, isnÕt it?Ó
ÒReally? You couldnÕt do it?Ó
ÒThatÕs
what I said.Ó
Her
smile is the sweetest one heÕs seen from her since they first started their
affair. ÒI really like that.Ó Then the smile fades again. ÒThat state didnÕt last, though, did it? YouÕve
had plenty of women since you got the ship back?Ó
ÒYou
were with Spock. What was I supposed
to do? I thought you two were
happy. In for the long haul.Ó
ÒSo
did I.Ó She sighs. ÒDistract me, Jim. For the love of God. WhatÕs fun to do?Ó
He
tries to dial his smile back, but fails because she says, ÒOther than that.Ó
He
thinks about it. ÒDancing. We never went dancing.Ó
ÒI
think thatÕll send a message IÕm not ready to send.Ó
ÒItÕs
just a dance, Chris. People do it
all the time.Ó
Her
look grows impatient. ÒSomething
else. Is sex all we have?Ó
ÒNo. ThereÕs pool. Darts. There are vid nights. Any number of games both computer and classic. ThereÕs a horticulture class Sulu is
offering. Quilting below decks from
what I understand.Ó
She
laughs. ÒQuilting?Ó
ÒLook,
you asked for options. IÕm giving
them to you. The gym offers all
sorts of classes and there are intramural teams.Ó
ÒBut
you never play on those, do you?Ó
ÒI
donÕt. I used to but it gets weird
when the captain is on one side and not the other.Ó
She
nods, and he can see she understands.
ÒWe
can start a book club, Chris.Ó He
grins. There are actually about
four book clubs that he knows of, but heÕd like one that just had the two of
them in it.
ÒAll
these options.Ó
He
nods. ÒThink about it and get back
to me. We have time.Ó
Everything
light suddenly leaves her expression, and she looks away. ÒWhy did he leave me? Why didnÕt he trust me with her?Ó
He
sees some of what he felt with Carol and David in the look on ChrisÕs face. ÒI donÕt know, sweetheart. Why do any of them leave us?Ó
She
pushes her tray away, then stands up. ÒIÕm sorry, Jim. IÕm not hungry.Ó
ÒItÕs
okay.Ó He watches her take the tray
to the recycler then head for the door.
She turns to look at him for a moment, and her expression is unreadable.
He
smiles gently at her before turning his attention to his food, giving her the
easiest out he can.
##
They
end up taking SuluÕs horticultural class, which is more fun than he expects,
working out together in the gym, and starting up their own book club: anything
romantic automatically off the menu.
They hold the book club discussions in the mess or the
lounge—occasionally in the observation lounge—but never in either
of their quarters. TheyÕve never discussed
it directly, just seem to know that they need to avoid
being alone for any number of reasons.
He
also likes being out in the open with her.
They never had that on Earth.
And if things do turn out his way, no one will be surprised,
given how much time theyÕve been spending together, even if itÕs innocent.
She
has refused to dance with him. He
thinks he knows why. Every now and
then, she looks at him the way she used to. When they were first new and the
connection between them was a revelation.
He
wants to touch her so much itÕs killing him. He resists the urge.
The
months go by quickly, and Spock is back before KirkÕs ready for him to be. Gone one day and then
reporting for duty the next.
ÒSaavik
settling in?Ó Kirk gives him an
open, easy look. He has not, after
all, stolen his woman.
Not
yet.
But
he had her first. For all Spock
says she loved him first—and heÕs right, Chris did love Spock before Kirk
was ever on her radar—Spock never acted on it. So really, Kirk had her first.
ÒSaavik
has a long journey ahead of her.
But she has made progress.Ó
Spock seems to be searching KirkÕs face for something.
ÒI
didnÕt sleep with Chris, Spock.
DidnÕt even kiss her. SheÕs
still your woman.Ó For how long,
though? ThatÕs the question that
interests him. HeÕs knows Chris
does not like to be left; Spock should have learned from KirkÕs mistakes.
Spock
seems to assess those statements for a moment, then he
nods. ÒI appreciate that, Jim.Ó
ÒI
did spend time with her, Spock.
Just because I didnÕt try to seduce her doesnÕt mean I ignored her.Ó
HeÕll save the fact that he was ignoring her just fine until she approached
him. He may need it later.
ÒI
did not expect her to be alone.Ó There
is something in SpockÕs eyes, though.
Kirk thinks that while he didnÕt expect her to be alone, he also hoped
she would keep company with someone other than his friend.
ÒShe
missed you. SheÕs mad at you.Ó These are things a friend would
say.
ÒI
have a responsibility to Saavik, Jim.
Christine will have to come to terms with that.Ó
Kirk
thinks Spock is an idiot when it comes to Saavik. Projecting too much of his own
experience as a child of dual heritages on her and keeping Chris away for no
good reason. Being kept from a
child that you could have loved doesnÕt make you fonder of the person keeping
you away. Kirk knows this from
bitter experience.
But
he says nothing more. Just nods as
if Spock needs to decide for himself.
There is a limit to what he will do for his friend when it comes to
Chris.
##
Kirk
watches as Spock and Chris interact—if thatÕs what you can call
it—on the landing party. ItÕs
not any kind of emergency or heÕd have left one of them on the ship. They are not at their best when theyÕre
together—not right now, anyway.
He knows that might change.
Kirk really doesnÕt know how much she loves him and if that can even
stand up against what she feels for Spock.
But
they sure as hell do not look like the picture of happiness at the moment.
HeÕs
trying to be as normal as he can.
Playing chess with Spock—they pointedly do not talk about Chris. He
still meets up with Chris at the gym or to talk about a book theyÕre both
reading, but the reading, on her side anyway, is taking much longer, and he
hopes itÕs not because she and Spock are spending all that time in bed.
He
wishes he wasnÕt hoping they were using that time to fight instead.
He
realizes she is walking over to him and he tries to keep his expression
neutral. ÒDoctor.Ó
ÒSir.Ó She doesnÕt appear to want anything from
him, so he waits to see what sheÕll do.
When
she sighs and looks at the ground, he asks softly, ÒSomething on your mind,
Chris?Ó
ÒWhy
did you bring us down here together?Ó
ÒBecause
you are two of my senior staff.
Professionals, if IÕm not mistaken.Ó He gives her a hard look because heÕs
managed to keep his relationship with both of them on the positive side of the
line despite how he feels. He may
want to see them blow up but if it looks like their relationship will derail
how his ship runs, heÕll transfer one of them off.
And
he has a feeling itÕll be Chris he will have to send away. Spock is more important to him in a
professional sense. He is not sure
he can say that is true anymore, however, in a personal sense.
She
takes a deep breath. ÒYes, sir. Of course.Ó And she pulls something around her, some
mantle of professionalism that he loves.
ÒItÕs hard with him right now, but IÕll put that aside. Of course.Ó
Put
him aside, Kirk wants to tell
her. He doesnÕt.
ÒThings
are not good, I take it?Ó She has
not been talking much to him about her relationship with Spock.
ÒThings
are horrible.Ó She rolls her eyes,
and her anger is palpable. ÒHeÕs
not going to include me in her life, Jim.
Why? How am I unsuitable?Ó
ÒShe
did stab you.Ó
ÒAnd
poison me.Ó
ÒThat,
too.Ó
ÒBut
that makes me the victim, doesnÕt it?
How did I become unsuitable?Ó
She rolls her eyes again. ÒI
never even got a chance. Amanda
gets a chance. From all accounts,
Amanda is a goddamn saint where the girlÕs concerned. So itÕs not a human thing. ItÕs me he doesnÕt think will work with
this girl whoÕs apparently becoming like his daughter.Ó
He
doesnÕt say anything right away.
Then he takes a deep breath and says, ÒI have a son. A son I never see because
Carol—his mother—wants me to stay away.Ó ItÕs a creative paraphrasing of what
really happened. Carol would have
let him in DavidÕs life if heÕd only given up the stars. But after he wouldnÕt give them up, then
she had no use for him in their lives, so heÕs not, strictly speaking, lying.
Chris
frowns. ÒYou never told me.Ó
ÒIt
hurts. I keep it inside. What kind of father am I?Ó He looks down. This, of all things to do with Carol,
weighs the most on him. That his
son will grow up thinking he wasnÕt wanted—wouldnÕt have been loved. Carol has no doubt spun the story to
favor her: sheÕs a master of that.
Chris
touches his arm, her expression tender.
ÒIf she wonÕt let you in his life, then the question is moot. I know you would have been a great
father. Do you think I would have
been a good mother for Saavik?Ó
ÒYes,Ó
he says without hesitation.
ÒThank
you.Ó She seems to realize her hand
is still on his arm, blushes a little.
ÒSorry.Ó
ÒIÕm
not complaining.Ó He glances over
to where Spock is working. His
friend is watching them. His
expression is unfathomable.
ÒSomeone else may not like it, though.Ó
She
looks over at Spock, and the tenderness in her eyes fades. ÒI wish I cared more.Ó
That
should not make Kirk happy. But it
does.
##
He
and Spock are playing chess. Things
are more than a little awkward between them. Kirk tries to ignore that and
concentrates on the game, hoping that Spock wonÕt bring Chris up tonight because
itÕs been a bad day, and heÕs afraid of what will come out of his mouth.
Spock
makes a move and then says, ÒWhen I first returned to the ship, you said
Christine was angry at me. You were
right. How much did you contribute
to that anger?Ó
Kirk
takes a deep breath, counts to five before answering. ÒYou think I tried to sabotage your
relationship? The relationship I
told you not to throw away? I was
the one who said to take Chris with you, remember?Ó
ÒHow
long did you wait after I was gone before seeking her out?Ó
ÒSpock,
donÕt do this.Ó
ÒJim,
how long?Ó Spock doesnÕt sound angry. Kirk isnÕt sure what he sounds
like. Resigned, perhaps?
ÒI
mean it, Spock. You wonÕt like the
answer.Ó
ÒA
day? Two? Did she stand a chance against you if
you were determined?Ó
Kirk
is about to tell him it was Chris who was determined. Chris who approached
him. Truth to tell, heÕs
been waiting to tell Spock that.
But
he canÕt seem to say it. He doesnÕt
want to make her the villain.
Finally,
he says, ÒFive weeks. And we never
met anywhere that wasnÕt public. I
told you: I didnÕt touch her.Ó He
takes a deep breath. Says the other
thing heÕs been wanting to say. ÒBut you know, letÕs be clear on
something. I had her first,
Spock. Unless you had a
relationship with her aboard the ship during our first mission that IÕm not
aware of, I had her first.Ó
ÒShe
loved me first.Ó
ÒBut
you werenÕt interested. And I was
when she and I ran into each other on Earth. So it didnÕt last that long? So goddamn what? She was mine.Ó The last part comes out stronger than he
intends.
Spock
looks a little surprised at his vehemence.
ÒYours?Ó
ÒMine.Ó
ÒShe
does not think she is yours.Ó
ÒShe
didnÕt, my friend. IÕm not sure
what she thinks now. Have you
melded with her to find out?Ó
Spock
looks away and doesnÕt answer, but Kirk thinks he probably has not melded with
her since he got back. He can see
Chris denying him her mind but letting him have her body; he can also imagine
that it might drive Spock crazy if thatÕs whatÕs happening.
Kirk
sighs. ÒI wasnÕt going to do
this. Not today. IÕm sorry.Ó
ÒWhen
were you going to do this?Ó Spock
leans back. He sighs, an actual
human-sounding sigh. ÒIt is
possible I should have listened to you.Ó
ÒYes,
it is. And I tried, Spock. God help me, I didnÕt want to, but I
tried to help you.Ó
ÒYou
did.Ó He closes his eyes. ÒI do not understand why she will not
let this go.Ó
ÒAre
you kidding?Ó
Spock
opens his eyes. ÒI am not. It is illogical to maintain the kind of
distance she has been insisting on over some perceived slight. I did not believe her presence on Vulcan
would facilitate SaavikÕs integration into Vulcan culture.Ó
ÒYou
think of Saavik as a daughter, donÕt you?
Or something close to that?Ó
Spock
seems to consider the question, then he nods.
ÒYouÕve
called Chris your mate, Spock. I
know youÕre not bonded but wouldnÕt that imply sheÕd be the mother of this new
daughter?Ó He sees the dawning
comprehension in SpockÕs eyes.
ÒOnly you donÕt find her suitable.Ó
ÒI
have never said that. Her presence
would have been counterproductive.Ó
ÒIÕll
let you explain that to her.Ó
ÒI
have tried to, Jim. She is not
hearing me.Ó
ÒOh,
Spock, I think she is. She just
doesnÕt like what sheÕs hearing.Ó
He pushes the chessboard to the side. ÒYou left her out. You marginalized her. Why do you think she was so damn mad at
me? And if you can do it to her,
too, then you lose all the ground you gained earlier, when she thought you were
a different kind of man than I am.
Do you understand me?Ó
Spock
nods. ÒYou plan to get her back?Ó
ÒI
plan to let her choose what she wants for herself.Ó
ÒYou
say that because you assume sheÕll want you. You would not have a noninterference
policy otherwise. I know you,
Jim. You see what you want and you
take it. You did it with this ship,
and youÕll do it with Christine.Ó
ÒThe
ship was mine, Spock. Another man
had her for a while, but it was a temporary possession. I think the same can be said for the
woman in question.Ó
SpockÕs
mouth tightens in a way that is far more human than Vulcan. He rises slowly. ÒI do not wish to play tonight.Ó
Kirk
nods at the pushed-aside chessboard.
ÒI knew that.Ó
##
Kirk
is just settling in to bed when his chime goes off. He sighs and gets out from under the
covers, pulls a robe on, and goes to the door.
Chris
is standing there. ÒWhat did you
say to him?Ó
ÒNot
everything I could have. But some
things he didnÕt like.Ó He moves
out of her way, curious to see if sheÕll come in.
She
does. ÒDid you really tell him that
IÕm yours?Ó
ÒThat
rings a bell.Ó He doesnÕt try to
grin it off. ÒWas I wrong? Should I go tell him I was
mistaken? Or did you do that for
me?Ó
ÒI
got angry at the idea of being anyoneÕs possession.Ó
ÒThatÕs
not how I meant it. I think you
know that. Especially since the way
I used to treat you was so hands off that IÕm sure you wondered if you were
really with me or not.Ó
ÒI
did.Ó
ÒWell,
then, there you go. YouÕre
mine. ThatÕs how much I love
you.Ó He moves further into his
quarters and sits down on the bed.
ÒHow much I want you. How
much I donÕt like that youÕre with him now.Ó
ÒBut
you didnÕt try to interfere with that.
When Spock and I first got together.Ó
ÒWhy
would I? I treated you like shit,
Chris. I know that.Ó
ÒHow
do I know you wonÕt do that again?Ó
ÒYou
donÕt know. No one knows what another
person will do. IÕve had a chance
to think about it. Lots of nights when sleep laughs at me. I think, after Carol, after losing my
son, I shut down part of my heart.Ó
He looks down. ÒAnd after
losing Edith. You know what
happened when we went to EarthÕs past to find Bones?Ó
She
nods.
ÒI
just...grew afraid, I think, to reach out that much. I tried—I honestly
tried—with Lori. But it got
worse and worse the longer we were together. You and I, what we had, it kept me sane,
Chris. But you were leaving. I was going to lose you to my ship. My
ship.Ó
ÒYou
donÕt have very much thatÕs truly yours, do you?Ó
The
question surprises him. He doesnÕt
expect her to understand him quite so clearly. ÒI donÕt. I thought I had a best friend or two,
but where were they when I was Earthbound?
Spock was purging his emotions—and by extension me—at Gol. And Bones
didnÕt approve of my choices and became distant. Not just by staying in Georgia but
emotionally. Earlier
than that? My girlfriend
took my son away. I had to kill one
of my best friends. I had to let a
woman I love die. And maybe it all
started even earlier on Tarsus IV?
When I found out that being good and noble and true wasnÕt enough to
keep you alive. That
evil men prospered. That
even once they were brought down, no one could bring back the people they
killed. All those bodies.Ó He shuts his eyes. ÒPeople I cared about died.Ó
ÒIÕm
sorry.Ó She sits next to him on the
bed. ÒI know itÕs not the same
scale as yours, but I havenÕt had the best track record, either.Ó
ÒI
know.Ó He turns to her, puts his
hands on either side of her face.
ÒI fell in love with you when I was with you on Earth. ItÕs not just up here that I feel that.Ó
She
puts her hands on his. ÒI wish IÕd
known that, then. I might have
fought harder for you.Ó
ÒMaybe
I needed to see you gone? To know that my rules donÕt work for me anymore. That I like you and I
want you in my life—not just in my bed. When Spock was on Vulcan with Saavik,
the things we did, they were fun.Ó
She
smiles.
ÒAnd
no one cared that we were together—and IÕm sure some people thought we
were together.Ó
She
nods. ÒNy asked me what was going
on.Ó
ÒWhat
did you tell her?Ó
ÒThat
it was complicated. I never told
her I was your mistress. I was embarrassed
about it, to be honest. I thought
you didnÕt care about me.Ó She lets
go of his hands and gently pulls away from his grasp. ÒSpock and I are coming apart.Ó
ÒI
know. I told him you would if he
didnÕt take you with him.Ó
She
nods. ÒI donÕt know that IÕm going
to stay on the ship.Ó
He
feels as if sheÕs punched him.
ÒWhat can I do to make you want to stay?Ó
ÒI
donÕt believe youÕll break your rules, Jim. I guess...I guess if you made me believe
that...Ó
ÒOkay.Ó He smiles at her, tries to make it the
sweetest smile he has. One lacking guile.
He does not want her to think heÕs playing her. ÒIs there a part of you that wants to
stay with him?Ó
ÒWas
there a part of you that wanted to stay with Carol?Ó
He
nods.
ÒWell,
thereÕs your answer.Ó She gets up,
hurries to the door, and is gone.
##
Kirk
watches Spock and Chris as they talk in the lounge. She is not laughing. She is not happy any longer—itÕs
clear to him.
And
he had nothing to do with her unhappiness.
Not this time. Spock can
blame himself for this one.
ÒYou
sure are interested in what theyÕre up to these days.Ó McCoy slides onto the stool next to him
and orders a bourbon. ÒWhy is that?Ó
ÒI
cheated on my wife. With Chris.Ó
McCoy
blinks. Clearly he does not expect
such honesty. ÒOhhhh.Ó
ÒI
loved her. I treated her badly
despite that. She left for the
ship, and I thought that was that.
And then VÕger happened.Ó
ÒYeah,
about that.Ó McCoy laughs. ÒWell, on the bright side, she got what
she wanted. For a
time. Spock, I mean.Ó
ÒYep.Ó
ÒAnd
it wasnÕt enough.Ó
ÒHe
made a mistake.Ó He doesnÕt want to
badmouth Spock to McCoy.
ÒJim. You think I havenÕt heard about Saavik
and Spock and how he left Christine behind a hundred times? Who do you think plies her with alcohol
and gets her to rant?Ó
Kirk
grins. ÒBut she never ranted about
me?Ó
ÒTight
lipped, our Christine. When it
matters, I guess. So does she love
you?Ó
Kirk
nods. ÒMay not be enough to keep
her here, though.Ó
ÒI
am not breaking in a new deputy.
What can I do to help the cause?Ó
Kirk
laughs. ÒNothing. I donÕt want to manipulate her.Ó
ÒThatÕs
refreshingly healthy of you.Ó McCoy
smiles. ÒWhen youÕre honest, Jim,
youÕre vulnerable. And itÕs damned
alluring, and I donÕt mean in a sexual way. YouÕre so private—so
strong—that when you open the door to let someone in, itÕs almost
impossible not to want to run inside.
Use that with her.Ó
ÒHonesty
as a weapon?Ó It was what he did
the other night, when she came to his quarters. He told her a truth he doesnÕt share
with most people. That he never
gives all his heart anymore.
ÒA
weapon? Quit thinking of this as a
war. ItÕs not.Ó He holds his glass
up to Kirk. ÒCheers?Ó
ÒCheers.Ó
##
Spock
has avoided any personal time with Kirk for a week now, which means, Kirk thinks, that he and Chris are on their last legs. He tries to be especially gentle with Spock
while on duty, no teasing, no sarcasm.
He
is sitting in the mess when Spock comes in and sits at his table without first
getting food.
ÒYou
all right?Ó Kirk asks.
ÒIt
is ironic. I know you mean that
sincerely and yet you will benefit from what is happening.Ó
ÒI
may not. She may be sick of both of
us.Ó
Spock
looks cheered at that thought.
ÒIÕve
missed our chess games, Spock.Ó
ÒI
have as well.Ó He takes a deep
breath. ÒIf you had asked me
several years ago the odds of Christine coming between us, I would have given
very long ones.Ó
ÒHas
she come between us? In a way we
canÕt recover from?Ó
ÒI
do not think so, Jim. I made a
choice. She did not like the
choice—nor did you—but I would make it again. Saavik needs me.Ó
ÒAnd
youÕll choose Saavik over the woman you love? SheÕs not your daughter, Spock. Or is it that after everything, after
rebelling against Vulcan ways and then embracing them in the most extreme
manner possible, you see this as your path to salvation? Saving this one girl? Bringing her into the Vulcan
fold—your way?Ó
Spock
steeples his fingers and studies them.
ÒYou do, as ever, bring insight I had not considered. It is possible that is what I am
doing. But if I were to be honest,
I also chose Christine because of the meld with VÕger. It left me open to finally letting her
in. I would not be with her
otherwise.Ó
ÒDo
you regret it?Ó
ÒI
do not. I...care for her greatly.Ó
Kirk
wonders if Spock can bring himself to say he loves Chris when heÕs alone with her. Then again, Kirk wasnÕt very quick to
say it, so maybe he shouldnÕt be throwing stones. ÒI know she loves you.Ó
ÒShe
does. But I lied to you, Jim.Ó
ÒI
thought Vulcans couldnÕt do that?Ó
ÒWe
can. We do.Ó He looks down. ÒI told you that what I read from
Christine about you—about her feelings for you—was not altogether
positive. That was a lie. She was still in love with you when she
came to me. I did not care. I thought, since you were together such
a short time and in circumstances that were not optimum, she would forget you
once she had me. Especially since
she had loved me first. So I told
you what I needed to say to make you back away, and your rules did the rest.Ó
Kirk
thinks about that for a moment, then says, ÒIÕm
willing to throw away my rules for her.Ó
ÒI
surmised that.Ó Spock looks at him
and he seems tired. ÒSaavik is
worth this, Jim. Christine has you,
but Saavik trusted me only. I do
not know why she trusted me—possibly she could sense I was like her. A half breed.Ó
ÒThatÕs
an ugly label, Spock. Why not think
of it as doubly blessed instead of something halved?Ó
ÒAn
intriguing notion. I may use that
concept with her in time.Ó He
stands. ÒI will not get in your way
with Christine. I may...retreat to
the lab for a time. It will not be
easy to lose her, but I realize this was my doing.Ó
ÒIt
was. She wouldnÕt have chosen me
otherwise.Ó For all that he wants
to believe she might love him the best, Kirk knows this to be true: if Spock
had included her, she would still be with him. ÒI missed you when you were at Gol, Spock. No
matter what is happening with Chris, you have to know that. I missed my friend.Ó
ÒI
believe that.Ó Spock almost smiles,
then turns and leaves Kirk alone.
##
Kirk
gets back to his quarters and sends Chris a private comm. All it says is, ÒAre you all right?Ó
She
doesnÕt comm back; she comes to his quarters an hour
later. She doesnÕt look like sheÕs
been crying, but he doesnÕt really expect her to weep much at this point. She had months to do
that while Spock was gone—and her eyes were red enough some days
to make him think she did cry over him.
ÒWhat
should I do?Ó she asks.
ÒAbout
staying or going?Ó
She
nods.
ÒYou
should stay. With me.Ó He meets her eyes, doesnÕt hide the
truth with his best grin or a flash of shy aw shucks bullshit he might try on
another woman. ÒI love you. I need you. And IÕve missed you.Ó He takes a step closer to her. ÒBut if you want to go, I will write you
the best damn recommendation that has ever been written. You will have your pick of assignments
once IÕm done. I wonÕt make this
difficult if leaving is what you
need.Ó
ÒBut
you want me to stay.Ó
ÒI
will be very, very sad if you donÕt.
I mean that sincerely.Ó
ÒBecause
IÕm yours?Ó
ÒMaybe
because IÕm yours and I was too stupid to know it.Ó
Suddenly
she is crying, and he takes the few steps that close the gap between them. ÒWas
that the wrong thing to say?Ó
ÒNo.Ó She pulls him to her. Kisses him hard then lets him go. ÒThat was
exactly the right thing to say. I
still love you.Ó
He
wants to take her clothes off and push her onto his bed and make love to
her. But instead he pulls her in
close, loops his arm around her shoulder, and says, ÒThen letÕs go get a
drink. And dance.Ó
ÒIn
the very public rec lounge?Ó
He
nods. ÒWhere everyone can witness
me shredding my rules.Ó He pulls
her back to him, has to kiss her before they leave. ÒI love you. And I like you. I never gave you a chance on Earth to
find out if I liked you.Ó
ÒI
know. It was just sex.Ó
ÒIt
wasnÕt. But I made you think it was
and that may be worse.Ó He nuzzles
her neck up to her ear and whispers, ÒThe days when Spock was gone, when you and
I just spent time together, they were special to me, Chris.Ó
ÒTo
me, too. You could have seduced
me. I would have let you.Ó
ÒAnd
I would have lost you.Ó He grins at
her. ÒAnd what makes you think
repotting plants in SuluÕs horticulture class isnÕt a form of seduction?Ó
She
laughs. Bright. Easy. The way she used to with Spock. The way she never has with Kirk.
As
he takes her hand and leads her into the corridor, he feels something heavy and
dark inside him ease. He realizes itÕs the part of his heart he hasnÕt used for
a very, very long time—finally coming back to life.
FIN