DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters
are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and
Viacom. The story contents are the creation and property of Djinn
and are copyright (c) 2012 by Djinn. This story is
Rated R.
Featured Attraction
by
Djinn
It
was a boring day in sickbay and Chapel was happy to see the captain come in, a
Òyou wonÕt believe what I cooked upÓ look on his face.
ÒJim,Ó
she said.
ÒChris.Ó He held out a padd. ÒBones is refusing to go to this conference
with Spock. You want to go?Ó
She
glanced at the topics. They were
actually things that interested her. And she hated to admit it, especially
after all this time trying to get over Spock, but going away with just him also
interested her. ÒWhy?Ó
ÒWhy
what?Ó He was trying way too hard
to look innocent.
ÒWhy
are you acting like a big matchmaker?Ó
He
grinned. ÒHeÕs a lot more open, in
case you havenÕt noticed. Since
that meld with VÕger.Ó
ÒA
lot more open to what?Ó
ÒTo...possibilities.Ó
She
rolled her eyes.
ÒIÕm
serious. You should get some time
alone with him. See if maybe...Ó At her look, his expression grew more
serious. ÒLook, I know I spent a
lot of time whining to you about Lori and how unhappy I was when she called our
marriage off, and how much I hated being grounded.Ó
He
had. SheÕd never known him that
well until his wife left him and Chapel had run into him at the officerÕs
club. An unhappy, stuck-on-Earth
admiral.
ÒAnd
later, when I got over her but still hated being grounded. You were there for fun stuff, too,
not just to lend a gentle ear. I
canÕt tell you what that meant to me—you just might have kept me sane. So, I guess this is something I can do
for you; donÕt you owe it to yourself to see if something is there? I know you felt deeply for him at one
time.Ó
Earnest
Jim was the most dangerous one: she knew because sheÕd almost slept with him
several times during those months before the launch—she didnÕt think heÕd
realized how tempted sheÕd been. ÒSpock is not going to be happy with
you.Ó
ÒThen
I wonÕt tell him I had anything to do with this.Ó Jim grinned. ÒIÕll tell him itÕs all BonesÕ fault
youÕre going.Ó He handed her the
padd. ÒHave fun. The shuttle leaves in two hours.Ó
ÒI
officially hate you.Ó
He
laughed. ÒYeah, tell me that when
you get back.Ó He waggled his
eyebrows at her until she laughed too.
As
he walked away, she murmured, ÒThank you.Ó
ÒYouÕre
welcome,Ó he said, one last smile back at her as he left sickbay.
As
soon as she could, she went to go pack.
##
Spock
sat quietly on the shuttle, reading something apparently scintillating,
ignoring her as effectively as heÕd ever done. Jim had thought he was more open?
Jim
was an idiot.
No,
Jim was a hopeless romantic. She
was the idiot for believing he might be right.
ÒThis
conference should be interesting,Ó she said, trying to keep her voice as
professional as possible.
ÒYes,Ó
Spock said. Man of many words that
he was.
ÒIÕm
especially interested in the biochemical fusion panel. McReedy is a
hero of mine.Ó
ÒHis
arguments are not always fully realized. I have found him marginal at best.Ó
So
much for her heroes.
ÒWho
do you prefer on the panel?Ó
He
turned to look at her. ÒI do not
wish to skew your opinion. I
believe I will continue reading rather than bias you with a discussion of the
scientists I find most credible.Ó
Wow. He could make ignoring her
come out as an altruistic act. It
was a gift.
ÒNo
problem. Very logical.Ó She decided to ignore Spock right back
and catch up on the medical journals she subscribed to but never had time to
read.
It
was a game plan, but it would have been better actualized if she hadnÕt stopped
reading every few minutes to see if Spock was paying attention to her. Any attention. Even a glance.
He
wasnÕt.
She
sighed and went back to reading. She
wasnÕt sure if the roiling feeling in her gut was due to anger over the way he
was ignoring her or embarrassment that here she was being ignored.
Possibly
a little of both.
She
sighed again.
ÒIs
something amiss, Doctor?Ó Spock did
not sound like he cared overmuch, probably believed it fell in his role as
senior officer to inquire.
ÒNo.Ó She put down her padd.
He
went back to his. So much for
conversation.
ÒDo
I need to apologize for coming, Spock?Ó
He
looked over at her, a question in his expression.
ÒLen
was supposed to come.Ó
ÒI
am aware of that.Ó
She
tried to ignore how he could make simple words into a verbal slap.
ÒHe
didnÕt want to. CouldnÕt get
away. Or something.Ó
Spock
looked like he was wondering if there was a point looming in the vicinity. She was starting to wonder that, too.
ÒAnyway,
I wonÕt...pester you. So you can
stop trying to ignore me.Ó
He
slowly raised an eyebrow. ÒI
believe I was ignoring you. There
was no ÔtryÕ involved.Ó
She
did her best to not react. ÒMy
mistake.Ó
He
turned away, back to the padd that was apparently so much more interesting than
she was.
It
was going to be a very long conference.
##
The
conference proved to be fun.
SpockÕs contribution to ChapelÕs fun was—not surprisingly, after
the shuttle ride from hell--nill. He went his way; she went hers. And hers involved two scientists who
were particularly taken with her thoughts on biochem. Or maybe they just liked her boobs. Either way, their attention felt good
after the shuttle ride with the Man of Ice. They liked her, they thought she was
pretty, and they wanted to have sex with her.
At
the same time. Which was something
sheÕd never done before, but it was amazing how many things you could do with
enough alcohol and Vulcan rejection spurring you on.
At
the end of the day, theyÕd been just what she needed. Even if thinking about what sheÕd done
with them made her blush.
Most
importantly, theyÕd kept her away from Spock. When she saw him in a conference room or
the dining room, she made sure she and her new friends sat on the other side of
the room. Spock returned the favor
with apparent relief.
She
saw him in the dining room on the closing night of the conference. Her new bed-friends had left that
morning, leaving her a little adrift.
SheÕd had some drinks—well, actually, sheÕd had a lot of drinks
and was poised on the Òprobably will regret this night in the morningÓ abyss.
Spock
made the mistake of meeting her eyes when he came into the room. He gave her a brief nod before he fled
to the far end of the gigantic ballroom.
She
followed him, plopped herself down in the seat next to him, and said, ÒYou
never call, you never write, whereÕs the love?Ó
It
made no sense. But sheÕd always
wanted to say it to him. And now
she was finally drunk enough to do it.
ÒDoctor.Ó
ÒCommander.Ó She leaned in. ÒYou are not very nice.Ó She pitched her voice low. She wanted to say some things to him;
she did not, however, want to make a scene.
ÒPerhaps
not, but I am, at least, sober.Ó
ÒOwwwwwwwww.
Score one for the surly science officer.Ó She leaned back in the chair, getting
comfy. ÒHow much will you pay me to
move?Ó
He
glanced over at her and she laughed.
ÒIÕm
kidding. All the money in the world
couldnÕt make me move right now.Ó
He
gave her the Vulcan equivalent of a shrug and stood. ÒIf you will excuse me.Ó
He
walked out of the ballroom and she followed him.
ÒMiss
Chapel, you are behaving foolishly.Ó
ÒI
was an idiot to listen to him.Ó
ÒTo
listen to whom?Ó
ÒJim.Ó She said KirkÕs first name as if it was
a weapon, saw him frown at the familiarity. ÒWe got close, you know. On Earth, while you were at Gol.Ó
ÒI
see.Ó
ÒNo,
you donÕt. I donÕt mean
groin-close.Ó
ÒAh.Ó He moved off and she followed him again.
ÒHe
said you were open to...possibilities.Ó
Spock
gave her the coldest look sheÕd ever gotten from him. ÒHe was mistaken, Christine. Now, if you will excuse me.Ó
She
reached out, stopped him. ÒWhat did
I do? What could I have possibly
done in the two months since VÕger? Why are you treating me like IÕm a
walking plague host?Ó
ÒChristine,
please, you are embarrassing both of us.Ó
The look on his face was actually full of sympathy rather than
distaste. As if she was pitiful.
As
if she was pathetic.
She
looked down. She goddamned was pathetic.
She
suddenly felt sick and ran for the ladiesÕ room. She made it just in time.
He
was gone when she finally came out.
Thank
God for small mercies.
##
She
found him near the shuttle departure lounge the next day. He looked at her warily.
ÒIÕm
very, very sorry, sir.Ó She tried
her best to look like a real Fleeter.
Not some silly grad student whoÕd signed on to find her fiancŽ and never
changed over the years.
ÒIt
is...forgotten.Ó
ÒI...I
wasnÕt think—Ò
ÒChristine,
I said it was forgotten. Perhaps
you could stop while you are ahead?Ó
She
nodded and fled, knowing that this was as good as she was going to get from
him.
She
stayed a bit behind him as they boarded, chose a seat well away, and followed
him off at the transfer station, keeping distance between them, which he seemed
to appreciate—or at least not mind.
They
were the only two on the shuttle headed to the starbase
where the Enterprise would pick them
up. She didnÕt meet his eyes as she
tried to give him privacy in the small ship.
But
then the shuttle lurched and she grabbed the armrests and looked over at
him. ÒTurbulence? Ion storm?Ó Please, God, give her something.
ÒI
will find out.Ó He started to rise,
but was thrown back into his seat when the ship took what had to be a hit from
a weapon of some kind.
She
heard the shuttle pilot say something about irreparable hull damage, saw him
sucked out of a widening hole in the viewscreen just
before everything disappeared and the familiar hum of a transporter took her
and Spock.
She
was breathing hard when they materialized in what seemed like the lobby of a
large building. Comfortable chairs
and tables were scattered all over.
Aliens sat in them, drinking beverages of dull colors.
Another
alien stood before them. He fired a
weapon at them and Chapel fell to the ground, screaming in agony as piercing
energy, like the older, meaner brother of an electric shock, raced through her
body.
Spock
didnÕt scream—or at least she couldnÕt hear him over her own cries. Then the pain stopped and she looked up
at the alien.
ÒA
little demonstration. That was on
the lowest setting. Do you
understand?Ó
She
nodded, didnÕt turn to see if Spock was nodding too.
The
aliens gestured for them to come with him.
Two others—guards she guessed by their uniforms—fell in line
behind them. What had seemed like a
hotel or office building quickly changed once they got out of the front room. Pens and enclosures were built along several
hallways. Artificial light,
humidity, and warmth made each area distinct. Inside the pens were two people—or
creatures, most werenÕt species sheÕd even seen before. In many of the pens, the two people were
having sex. Aliens were gathered at
the ledges to watch.
ÒItÕs
a zoo,Ó she murmured. An x-rated zoo.
ÒQuite
so,Ó the alien said. He stopped in
front of an empty enclosure. ÒYou
two have barely made eye contact.
Am I correct in assuming you are not already in a sexual relationship?Ó
Oh,
God, did she have an answer for that.
But she held her tongue and let Spock take the lead.
ÒYou
are correct.Ó
The
alien nodded. ÒI would guess that
you two do not even like each other very much.Ó
Spock
didnÕt correct him by telling him like was an emotion. She looked down so her eyes would not
betray how she felt about Spock and about herself.
ÒWe
have had humans here before, but a Vulcan is new for us. So the choice will be yours since we
want you to perform at your peak. If you choose not to mate with the human
female, we will endeavor to find a Vulcan female who will appeal more. The human female will be given to a Doravian male who has been mateless
for a while.Ó The keeper hit a
button on a display padd, and Chapel turned away in horror. ÒThe Doravian
is not so choosy. He is, however,
somewhat hard on his mates.Ó
There
wasnÕt a word for what that thing was doing to the Cardassian
whoÕd been thrown in with him.
She
realized Spock had stepped between her and the screen, had backed up, even, and
was nearly touching her. Was he
protecting her?
ÒI
will take her. Do not give her to
him.Ó
The
keeper gave Spock a hard stare. ÒWe
will remove her from your enclosure if we believe you are not fully investing
your energy.Ó
ÒUnderstood.Ó Again he backed up.
Chapel
peeked around him. ÒDo I get a say
in this?Ó
ÒNo,Ó
the keeper and Spock answered in unison.
ÒSwell.Ó
Spock
turned to look at her. ÒDo you
prefer that?Ó He gestured with his
chin to the video that was mercifully on pause, but not so mercifully stuck on
a rather horrible moment.
ÒOf
course not. But...I know you donÕt
want to.Ó She looked down. ÒAnd I just want you to know that you
donÕt have to.Ó
ÒI
most assuredly do.Ó He tipped her
chin up. ÒFor a fellow crewmate.Ó
She
nodded, felt her mouth tighten.
ÒCan
you imagine the lecture I would get from Doctor McCoy if I did not? Let alone Jim.Ó
She
looked away as he released her chin, but didnÕt argue with him.
ÒIt
is settled, then?Ó The keeper was
smiling beatifically, as if they had a real choice in this.
ÒIt
is settled.Ó
The
keeper nodded and hit a button on his belt and a transporter took them,
depositing them inside a rock enclosure.
A moat divided them from where several aliens were standing at the
railing watching them.
She
moved closer to Spock, saw one of the aliens point and say something to its
companion. ÒAre they serious? We have to have sex?Ó
ÒI
am afraid so.Ó Spock moved her
gently in the other direction.
A
bundle of cushions was the only furniture in the room. She sat on them; they were surprisingly
comfortable.
He
sat next to her. ÒOur audience is increasing.Ó
She
looked over. The number of people
watching them was steadily growing.
ÒAnd soon theyÕll be restless.Ó
She swallowed, harder than she meant to. ÒIs there anything I should do to help
get you...? I mean, I know IÕve
never been what you want and I—Ò
It
was his lips on hers that shut her up.
His lips softly and surely and rather boldly on hers. He pulled her closer, his mouth opening. She moaned as she opened hers and let
him in. Moaned even more as he
pulled her so she was straddling him, her back to the crowd.
He
eased away, gently stroking the hair off her face. ÒPlease relax.Ó
ÒRight,
because relaxing before having sex in front of strangers is my natural response
to this. VÕger
must have left you really horny.
Any port in the storm.Ó She
didnÕt look away, knew what sheÕd said was crass and didnÕt care. She had to get this out there. He could not kiss her that way and let
her think he cared.
ÒYou
want me. Is that not why you came
to the conference?Ó
She
looked away.
ÒDo
not lie, Christine. You loved me
once; you love me still.Ó
ÒNothing
wrong with your ego.Ó
ÒMy
ego has nothing to do with it. Jim
did you no favors sending you with me.
I am not, in fact, sure what he was thinking.Ó
ÒWell,
that makes two of us.Ó
He
seemed to be studying her. ÒYour
feelings for me aside, you are different than before. Your appearance, I mean. Such simple hair. Very little makeup. No artifice.Ó
She
shrugged. ÒWhat did artifice ever
do for me?Ó
ÒYou
are more attractive this way.Ó He
pulled her to him, then stopped before they made contact. ÒKiss me.Ó
ÒYou
want me to kiss you?Ó
ÒYes,
I want you to kiss me.
I believe it will make sexual congress easier for both of us if I am not
the one to initiate everything.Ó
It
was logical if somewhat cold. She
leaned in, touching down lightly, trying to make it the best kiss of her
life. By the way he clutched at
her, she thought she might have succeeded.
There
was a collective sigh from the crowd.
Chapel realized she was blushing deeply. SpockÕs lips curled upward.
ÒDonÕt
you find this disconcerting?Ó she murmured.
ÒTo
say the least. An audience is not
welcome. Kissing you, however, I do
not find disconcerting.Ó
ÔAre
you going to do more?Ó
ÒKiss
you more? Or do more than kissing?Ó
ÒYes.Ó She smiled, could tell it was a silly
smile. God damn it. A few great kisses and she was smitten
again.
Right. Like sheÕd ever stopped being smitten.
ÒI
intend to do both.Ó He eased her
top off. ÒI am sorry—you did
not have a choice in this. I made
the decision for us both.Ó
ÒThis
is definitely preferable to being ripped apart.Ó
His
look grew serious, stormy almost.
ÒI would not have let that happen to you.Ó
ÒI
know. Starfleet invested a lot in
me. WouldnÕt want to waste
resources.Ó
He
was staring at her cleavage. ÒThat
is, of course, an excellent point.
But that is not why I did it.Ó
Her bra followed her shirt to the floor.
ÒAre
you preserving my modesty?Ó She
smiled at the thought.
ÒThose
watching us do not seem to mind that your back is to them.Ó He buried his face in her chest, doing
some extremely forward things given that this was their first real date.
She
closed her eyes and rode out the sensations. She wasnÕt going to complain that he was
rushing things.
The
sound of their audience brought her back to reality. ÒSpock, this is too weird.Ó
He
took a deep breath and pulled away from her, meeting her eyes. ÒGiven that they will separate us and
potentially injure or kill you if we do not comply, I see no logic in not
continuing.Ó
She
suddenly understood SarekÕs comment about marrying
Amanda. These boys could torture
logic until it equaled sex every time.
ÒStill.
With someone watching...Ó
His
face seemed to get colder. ÒDoctors
Handerson and DÕVal do not
count, I take it?Ó
She
could feel the blush starting.
ÒYour
friends at the conference. I saw
you with them, Christine. It was
very clear what was going on.Ó
Oh
God.
ÒYou
were with both of them, were you not? I am relatively certain that at some
point during your activities, you were watched by one of them.Ó
ÒWhat
I did with them is none of your business.Ó
ÒAgreed. Except that I find your argument about
sex in front of observers spurious.Ó
ÒThereÕs
a difference between sex in front of another lover and sex in front of a crowd
of aliens.Ó
ÒI
will concede that point.Ó
ÒAnd
for the record, I donÕt do that kind of thing normally. I was upset and they made me feel
attractive. Desirable.Ó
ÒI
have never said you were not desirable, Christine.Ó Spock went back to what heÕd been doing,
small sucking noises accompanying the feel of his lips on her breasts and the
gentle rub of his hands on her back.
Her bare back.
She
wasnÕt sure how to follow up his last statement, so she settled for, ÒYouÕre
overdressed.Ó She was tired of
being the only naked Starfleet officer in the zoo.
He
mumbled something she took to be agreement, and let her pull off his shirt. She ran her hands over his shoulders and
heard him moan softly. Much better.
She
almost forgot they had an audience as he pulled her in for another kiss, as he
eased her back on the cushions and drew off her pants and underwear, then shed
his own.
ÒThis
is not how I pictured this,Ó she said as he stared down at her.
He
did not answer.
ÒYou
havenÕt pictured this even once, have you?Ó
He
met her eyes. ÒOnce or twice. During my Pon
Farr.Ó
ÒThat
thing you said? Protesting against our natures?Ó
ÒYes. Please stop talking now.Ó And then he was with her, in her, not
hurrying despite the sounds coming from the crowd of aliens watching them. ÒTune them out, Christine.Ó
ÒNot
that easy.Ó She glanced toward the
crowd.
He
touched the side of her face, and she knew the contact would look like a
caress, but she felt more from it as he settled on the meld points, initiated a
light connection, then eased off again.
ÒI
do not want them knowing we can do this,Ó he whispered as he nuzzled her
ear. ÒBut if it will help you focus,
I will risk it.Ó
ÒOh,
suddenly, IÕm unfocused?Ó
ÒChristine. I am inside you. We are having sex. Please stop arguing with me.Ó He thrust a little harder than was
necessary, as if punctuating the request.
Between
his intensity and the focus provided by the extremely light meld, she managed
to tune the crowd out more effectively, giving herself up to what he was doing.
And doing.
And
doing.
Holy
crap, sex with Spock was utterly fantastic. Even if she felt as if her heart was
breaking in between the mind-numbing orgasms.
He
held her as they both came down from the incredible heights heÕd just taken
them to, and she blushed furiously at just how much noise sheÕd made in front
of their adoring public.
ÒI
am pleased I could satisfy you,Ó Spock whispered in her ear.
She
rolled so she was cuddled against him, murmured, ÒWhat about you?Ó She kissed his cheek, then let her lips
stay pressed against him and heard him sigh softly.
ÒI
am quite content.Ó
ÒGood.Ó She opened her eyes. ÒContent is good, right? ThatÕs
not some Vulcan way of saying ÔNice try but no cigar,Õ is it?Ó
A
small puff of air—the closest she thought heÕd come to a laugh—was
her answer. Then he pulled her
closer. ÒContent is very, very
good, Christine.Ó
She
didnÕt think sheÕd fall asleep, buck naked and mooning the crowd, but Spock was
warm and his touch was soothing as he rubbed her back. She was gone in minutes.
He
woke her a while later with some bogus excuse of keeping the natives
amused. After her third orgasm, she
decided not to call him on it after all.
##
Sex
with Spock was amazing. Sex with
Spock was frequent.
Any
other time with Spock was boring the shit out of her.
Not
that he was boring. Not really, she
supposed. But he had managed to open
up to her physically while shutting down even more emotionally. And she would have bet he couldnÕt get
any more shut down.
Or
maybe he was just making the best of a bad situation. Maybe he didnÕt find her of any interest
when it came to talking about things that actually mattered.
Or
sort of mattered.
Or
didnÕt matter but might be interesting.
HeÕd
started meditating their first full day in the enclosure. The aliens clearly expected it now, so
if heÕd wanted the freedom to just sit and zone out for hours on end, this was
a winning plan. Unfortunately one
that left her twisting in the wind since meditation was not something sheÕd
ever warmed to, and he clearly was not intent on sharing his bliss with her in
some partnerÕs meditation.
She
decided to work on her stretching exercises since there was nothing else to
do. Cardio would have been better
for her stress levels, but there was the whole bounce factor.
The
aliens had taken their clothes at some point their first night. Beamed them away, no doubt, and showed
no sign of being poised to give them any kind of replacements.
Not
even a fig leaf.
Spock
was meditating again now. He looked
very peaceful. She wanted to throw
something at him, but she forced herself to ignore the urge.
Finally,
he rose in one lithe movement and walked over to where she sat. He held out his hand.
ÒSex?Ó
He
frowned, probably at the way sheÕd made sex sound like something utterly
distasteful.
ÒIÕm...not
in the mood.Ó She kept her face
expressionless: a perfect Vulcan imitation.
His
eyebrows drew together.
ÒThis
isnÕt right, Spock. We eat, we
sleep, we fuck. Or we ignore each
other.Ó
ÒI...I
am sorry?Ó
ÒReally? You know what I am?Ó She reached out, let him pull her
up. ÒIÕm bored.Ó
ÒSex
with me bores you?Ó
ÒNo,
thatÕs the one part of this that doesnÕt bore me. But sitting around the rest of the time
bores me. YouÕre here but youÕre a
million light years away.Ó
ÒI
am not.Ó
ÒYou
are. You donÕt meld with me the way
you did the first time. And when we
arenÕt having sex, we donÕt talk.Ó
ÒWe
donÕt know what intelligence the aliens might be collecting. This zoo may be
for more than just onlooker amusement.Ó
ÒWe
donÕt have to talk about work. My
God, do you have no imagination?Ó
She knew he did. He was a
virtuoso in the creativity department when it came to ways to make love.
Make
love? Is that even what they were
doing? Having sex. Screwing.
Fucking. She should call it what it was.
He
sighed. ÒWe need to have sex. They expect it.Ó
She
sighed, then whispered, ÒIÕm sorry.
IÕm not trying to be mean.
IÕm lonely and I shouldnÕt be, because youÕre right here.Ó
He
was especially sweet while they had sex.
He kissed her gently. He
stroked her cheek. He said he was
sorry.
And
then he went back to meditating.
And
she wondered who she had to screw around here—who else, clearly screwing
Spock was not going to get her anything—to get a drink.
##
It
had been ten days, ten days in SpockÕs arms. That would have been a fantasy of some
kind back in the day—back when she thought that being close meant just
that. That it meant knowing the
person. That sex would open doors,
not slam them shut. She shifted,
suddenly feeling trapped as he held her, post orgasmic bliss apparently fully
functional for him but sadly lacking for her.
ÒAre
you all right?Ó he asked.
She
nodded.
ÒI did not hurt you?Ó
She
started to laugh, made herself stop.
Yes, heÕd hurt her. But not
during sex.
He
sighed. ÒEvery day you are more
distant.Ó
ÒMe? IÕm
more distant?Ó
He
nodded.
ÒThatÕs
a good one.Ó She tried to pull
away, was surprised when he held her fast.
She considered an all out tug-of-war to get free, but decided not to
give that to the aliens who still lined up to watch them.
He
finally eased his grip when she relaxed.
ÒI
just...Ó She swallowed
hard. God damn it, what the hell
was wrong with her? First laughter,
now tears threatening. ÒI just
thought it would be different.Ó
ÒIt?Ó
ÒThis. Being with you. I mean...you chose me.Ó
He
rolled onto his stomach and looked down at her, then lazily stroked her hair
off her cheek. ÒI saved you. And sex with you is certainly no
hardship.Ó His eyes changed, grew
harder. ÒBut, Christine. I did not choose you. I chose to
keep you alive by making you my mate for as long as we are in here, but I would
not have chosen you otherwise.Ó
It
should have hurt more, this brutal honesty, but it almost felt good as it tore
through any illusions she might still have had. ÒAnd thatÕs why you keep yourself apart?
Even if weÕre joined so often physically?Ó
ÒIt
is.Ó He looked away. ÒI am sorry, but there is a limit to
what I am willing to offer.Ó
ÒSo
this really is just sex?Ó
He
nodded.
ÒWhy
didnÕt you say that from the start?Ó
She tried to move away and he let her this time. ÒYou were so sweet that first time.Ó
ÒI
wanted to make this easy for you. I
do care for you, just not the way you want me to. And...Ó
ÒAnd...?Ó
ÒAnd
I thought feelings might grow. I
did not want to rule that possibility out.Ó
ÒBut
they havenÕt?Ó
He
shook his head.
ÒAnd
tell me, Mister ÔFeelings Might GrowÕ just when were they supposed to blossom?
Was that during your interminable and silent mediations? Or when you were sleeping? Or was it during the magical fucking
that you were going to fall in love with me?Ó
He
looked away. Her voice had risen
too much at that last part; the aliens were looking intrigued.
ÒEveryone
knows not to trust an ÔI love youÕ delivered with an orgasm, Spock. Why donÕt you know that?Ó She took a deep breath, forced herself
not to get up and pace but to calm and center. ÒYou have to get to know someone to love
them. But you didnÕt even give me a
chance. Why?Ó
He
seemed unable to meet her eyes.
ÒIt
doesnÕt matter. Forget I asked.Ó She got up slowly, tried to make her
leaving look as casual as possible.
Her leaving that would only take her to the corner of their enclosure,
barely enough room to catch her breath much less process this in private like
she wished she could. ÒGive a
holler when you want to fuck again.Ó
He
seemed to wince at that.
Good.
##
They
were asleep when Jim and company finally stormed the zoo. Asleep in opposite corners of the
enclosure—sheÕd stopped sleeping in SpockÕs arms after his
confession—and she glared up at the security man who seemed to think it
was his job to shield her from the others.
ÒA
blanket would be nice. Or clothes
maybe?Ó
ÒWeÕll
just get you beamed up, Doctor.Ó
ÒYou
are not beaming me up naked, Ensign.Ó
ÒIÕll
handle this.Ó Jim urged the
security officer away, turned his back to her and said, ÒHang tight, Chris.Ó
He
ordered a uniform beamed down and moments later it appeared. He handed it to her without turning
around, and she pulled it on, more than happy at the shelter the clothes
afforded—something sheÕd taken for granted before.
ÒYou
can turn around. IÕm decent.Ó
He
smiled as he turned, then eased her toward the others. ÒYou okay?Ó
ÒNope.Ó
ÒYou
want to talk about it?Ó
ÒYes,
please, let me bare my soul in front of everyone.Ó She glared at him.
ÒI
meant later. If you need someone to
talk to.Ó
ÒIÕll
be sure to talk to the man who sent me on this goddamned trip with the Vulcan
charmer.Ó
ÒHe
seemed worried about you.Ó
ÒHeÕs
a great actor, Jim. Now, can we get
back to the ship? IÕm dying for a shower.Ó
He
sighed and nodded, and she realized as they waited for beam out that Spock had
gone ahead.
HeÕd
just left her.
She
made a noise she didnÕt mean to. A
little moan of distress.
ÒChris?Ó
ÒLeave
me alone.Ó She was out of line, and
she knew it, but he didnÕt call her on it.
ÒEnergizing,Ó
she heard from the communicator.
And
the zoo disappeared, replaced by duranium walls that
had never looked better. Jim walked
with her to the lift, followed her to her quarters.
ÒAre
you going to scrub my back for me?Ó
Her tone was rude and she took a shaky breath and started to apologize
but he shook his head.
ÒI
know that couldnÕt have been easy.
It didnÕt escape my notice that though Spock was clearly worried about
you, he could not get up to the ship fast enough.Ó
ÒEver
the gallant, our Spock.Ó
ÒWould
you open that so we can get out of the corridor?Ó He motioned to her door, and she palmed
it open, appreciating that he let her do it, that he gave her back that little
bit of control instead of using his override. She walked in and he followed her.
ÒWe
had sex, Jim,Ó she said, whirling to face him as soon as the door closed. ÒIs that what you want to
know? Spock and I, we fucked over
and over and over.Ó She was
crying—when had she started to cry?
ÒWe had sex and he just left me down there.Ó
He
pulled her into his arms, held her for a moment and let her cry. ÒIÕm sorry.Ó He made a face as she pulled away, said
softly, ÒI should have made Bones go.Ó
ÒOr
picked someone else.Ó She laughed
softly, a bitter sound. ÒSpock
probably would have preferred anyone to me.Ó She sighed. ÒIÕm all right. Can you go? I really, really want to get in the
shower.Ó
ÒOkay.Ó He touched her arm, rubbing softly for a
moment. ÒGet down to sickbay when
youÕre done. For a med eval, I mean, not to work.Ó
ÒIÕm
fine.Ó
ÒDo
it anyway.Ó He turned for the door.
ÒJim. DonÕt tell him I told you.Ó
He
glanced back at her. ÒI wonÕt.Ó
Once
he was gone, she locked the door and took the longest shower of her life. She still felt dirty afterward.
##
A
week later, Chapel sat in the rec lounge with Uhura and Rand, and tried to
steer the conversation away from her rather long time spent in an alien zoo
with Spock. A naked rather long
time—apparently one of the security men had a big mouth. That story was all over the ship.
ÒSo...what
was he like?Ó Uhura asked. ÒI
imagine heÕd be good.Ó
ÒI
really donÕt know, Ny. We handled ourselves like consummate
professionals.Ó
ÒNaked consummate professionals,Ó Rand
said. ÒAnd letÕs talk about the
consummating.Ó
ÒLetÕs
not and say we did.Ó Chapel took a
sip of her drink--casually, not gulping it down, which would be a huge
tell. She was bluffing and she was
going to make it good.
ÒYou
really didnÕt sleep with him?Ó Uhura asked with a frown. ÒYou wonÕt even look at him. Why wonÕt you look at him? You usually do.Ó She pointed to a corner of the lounge
that Chapel had, indeed, been avoiding looking at.
ÒIÕve
gotta tell you, no one is buying the story that you
two didnÕt have sex,Ó Rand said.
ÒThe ship is rife with versions of how it went.Ó
Uhura
nodded. ÒThereÕs the one about how
youÕre pregnant.Ó
ÒOh,
and that you two fell madly in love and are going to run off any time. But not to Vulcan, because Sarek wonÕt
approve of Spock marrying a human even though he did.Ó
ÒOr
the one where you actually had to have sex with Spock and the aliens. ThatÕs
a pretty vivid one.Ó Uhura made an
ÒeekÓ sort of face.
ÒGoddamn
it. Come on.Ó Chapel slid off the barstool, and pulled
them with her.
ÒJesus,
Christine, you made me spill my drink,Ó Rand said.
ÒTough.Ó Chapel led them over to where Spock sat
with Jim and Len.
ÒChris?Ó Jim looked amused, then he seemed to
really look at her expression and frowned in a way that was clearly a warning.
ÒMister
Spock,Ó she said.
He
looked up at her. She had to give
him credit: he gave nothing away.
ÒDoctor
Chapel?Ó
ÒApparently,
the rumor mill on this ship has us making mad, passionate love in that alien
zoo. What do you say to the stories
that we fell in love and plan to run away together?Ó
ÒWe
did not fall in love.Ó
ÒOr
plan to run away?Ó
ÒThat
is correct.Ó He looked at Uhura and
Rand. ÒPerhaps you could tell
whomever is spreading these stories, that the Doctor and I did not enjoy a romantic
getaway while we were held captive.Ó
He glanced at Chapel. ÒAnd
while you are at it, perhaps in the future the two of you will refrain from
repeating the stories yourselves.
You have clearly upset Christine.Ó
She
wasnÕt sure that last part really helped their case. ÒIÕm fine. Just annoyed.Ó She turned to her friends. ÒNow, are you satisfied? Nothing to see, move it along.Ó
Both
her friends were blushing, although with Uhura it was harder to tell. Chapel was amazed she wasnÕt blushing;
this had been a ballsy move, fortunately sheÕd made it so Spock didnÕt have to
lie. Although sheÕd bet the farm he
could lie if he had to.
Jim
stood up. ÒCare to dance,
Chris?Ó He smiled at the
others. ÒYouÕll excuse us?Ó As soon as he got her on the dance
floor, he said, ÒWhat the hell was that?Ó
ÒI
was angry.Ó
ÒNo? Really?Ó He sighed deeply. ÒIÕm not sure you helped anything. Spock was clearly taken aback.Ó
ÒSpock
was not clearly taken aback. Only
someone who reads him as well as you do would be able to tell he was clearly
taken aback. To me, he looked the
same as ever.Ó Which just went to
show that you could spend weeks screwing someone and still not know them any
better than when you started.
He
sighed again and pulled her closer.
ÒMaybe this will help.Ó
ÒYouÕre
trying to divert rumors about me and Spock by starting some about me and
you?Ó She laughed softly. ÒWow, talk about two people who run on
impulse. We take the cake.Ó
ÒJust
dance, lady.Ó
They
danced long enough for rumors to get well down to the bowels of the ship, and
then he let her go and went back to Len and Spock. She went back to sit with Uhura and
Rand.
ÒWell.Ó Uhura stared into her drink. ÒSo...you arenÕt sleeping with Spock,
but you and the captain...?Ó
ÒOh,
my God. Give it a rest.Ó She got up. ÒIÕll see you guys in the morning.Ó
They
nodded and didnÕt try to talk her out of leaving like theyÕd normally do. Not a good sign.
She
was just getting ready for bed when her chime rang. She opened the door and saw Spock
standing there. ÒAre you insane? After all I did to throw suspicion off
us?Ó
He
walked past her into the room, and let the door close behind him. Then he took her by the shoulders and
pushed her against the wall. She
thought for a moment he was going to kiss her. But there was nothing romantic in his
expression: he was angry.
ÒDo
not do that to me again.Ó
ÒLet
go of me.Ó
They
had the mother of all staredowns, and he finally let
her go and walked over to the other side of the room.
ÒThere
are rumors about us, Spock.
Everyone knows we were naked in that zoo.Ó
ÒI
am aware of that.Ó
She
stared at him.
ÒThe
rumors will die down on their own, Christine. You do not need to help them expire.Ó
She
stalked over, got in his face.
ÒYouÕre an idiot.Ó
ÒI
am not.Ó
ÒAre,
too.Ó
They
were standing very, very close together.
She tried to take a step back, was surprised when he stopped her, his
touch gentle this time.
ÒIt
has been a week since we last had sex, Christine. I find...I miss it.Ó
She
looked down, wanted to tell him she didnÕt miss it at all. That she didnÕt miss him at all. But she did, both the sex and him, even
if heÕd hurt her—even if sheÕd let him hurt her.
He
pulled her closer, seemed to be studying her, and she had the feeling he would
stop the minute she protested.
So
she didnÕt protest.
His
lips touched hers and she was lost.
They fell into bed as easily as theyÕd fallen into the cushions in their
enclosure. It was novel to touch
each other with no one watching.
She
was shaking when he finished and turned away as soon as they were done. He followed her, his arm snaking around
her side, pulling her close, naked back to his front.
ÒI
did not like seeing you dance with Jim,Ó he murmured into her ear. ÒI did not like it at all.Ó
ÒYou
donÕt own me. And he and I are just
friends. I told you that.Ó
ÒNevertheless. I fear it might be significant that I
was...jealous.Ó
ÒIÕm
sure you do fear it. God forbid you
should actually feel something for me.Ó
His only answer was to pull her closer. She fell asleep in his arms and
woke in the same place, only now she was nestled against his chest, her arm
thrown around his waist.
He
was still here? SheÕd have bet big
that heÕd have fled while she was out.
He
was awake and watching her as she tried to figure out what to do. ÒGood morning,Ó he finally said.
ÒMorning,Ó
she mumbled. She thought about
saying more but was stopped by his lips on hers, by him pushing her to her back
and climbing aboard.
By
the jawdroppingly amazing sex.
She
lay like a limp little doll in his arms when it was over and whispered, ÒThis
isnÕt what I intended to happen when I came over in the lounge.Ó
ÒThis
is not what I intended to happen when I came to your door.Ó He almost smiled. ÒAnd yet it happened.Ó
ÒItÕs
just sexual chemistry. We have it,
even if we donÕt like each other.Ó
ÒYou
donÕt like me?Ó
ÒNo.Ó She sounded like a petulant child. ÒYou going to tell me you like
me?Ó
ÒI
do not know you. Were you not the
one to point that out?Ó
ÒYes. Bully for me.Ó She turned and buried her head in his
chest. ÒThis is confusing.Ó
ÒAt
last. Something we agree on.Ó
They
lay there not talking for a while before he gently disentangled himself from
her, gave her a soft kiss on the cheek, pulled on his clothes, and left. She lay there for a bit longer before
she got up to take a shower.
She
tried not to replay what had just happened. Tried not to think there might be
something real—or at least something that might become real if they let
it—between them.
She tried and failed.
##
Later,
she was sitting with Jim at lunch when Spock came in.
ÒDoctor,Ó
Spock said, and there was something different in his voice. ÒJim.Ó
ÒSpock.Ó She found it hard to meet his eyes, was
not going to ask him to join them.
Unfortunately,
Jim had no such compunction. ÒWe
have room.Ó
ÒOh. I am...not hungry.Ó
ÒYouÕre
in the mess, Spock. And you donÕt
drink coffee, so I know youÕre not here for a refill.Ó
ÒJim,
if Spock says heÕs not hungry, letÕs let him be not hungry.Ó She put a pleading note in her
voice. ÒPlease?Ó
He
glanced at her and was clearly trying to fight back a grin. ÒFine, Spock. As you were.Ó He went back to his sandwich.
ÒDoctor,Ó
Spock said, shooting her a grateful glance.
ÒSpock.Ó
Jim
started chuckling as soon as Spock cleared the door.
ÒShut
up.Ó
ÒMy
God. I wondered why he left so soon
after you did last night. DidnÕt
take you long to do the bunny hop with him again.Ó
ÒThatÕs
not—Ò
ÒOh,
stow it. I had enough break-up sex
with Lori to know a thing or two about the look you both were sporting.Ó
ÒOnly
Spock and I were never together the way you and Lori were.Ó
ÒYou
had sex for weeks, Chris. What do
you call it if not together? I
mean, I get that he wasnÕt emotionally available. But clearly you got along in one way.Ó
ÒA
way that will fade if thereÕs nothing else to bolster it.Ó
ÒMake
something else, then.Ó
ÒSays
the voice of marital bliss.Ó
ÒOuch,
you get mean when youÕre embarrassed.Ó
He grinned but it was a tight one.
Her words had probably struck home.
ÒIÕm
sorry. That was mean and out of line.Ó
ÒI
should learn to mind my own business.Ó
He gave her a better smile.
ÒYou and Spock are big kids.
YouÕll figure this out—or not—all on your own.Ó
##
Two
days later, Chapel sat in the rec lounge, ready to hear the latest offerings of
the Creative Enterprise—an ad hoc group that Uhura had formed to let her
get her ya-yas out on stage.
Since
Rand was on leave, Chapel sat in the back, not sure if she was going to stay past
UhuraÕs solo or not. The lights went down and she heard
someone sit down next to her—lonely?
The place was a long way from full.
The person couldnÕt even leave a space between them? She glanced over, saw it was Spock. He was looking at the stage, not at her.
Then
he turned and met her eyes. ÒI can
find another seat,Ó he said very, very softly.
ÒItÕs
okay.Ó She leaned back, could feel
his shoulder pushing against hers, the warmth spreading from that contact to
other places—places that should not have a vote in how this went, since
they were severely biased in SpockÕs favor.
Spock
sat quietly, pressing against her, and they got through UhuraÕs
solo, then he leaned in and said, ÒI have heard enough. Have you?Ó
She
nodded and followed him out. Once they
were in the corridor, she said, ÒThis doesnÕt mean anything.Ó
ÒAgreed.Ó
ÒAnd
this doesnÕt mean it will happen again.Ó
ÒI
understand.Ó He told the lift his
deck. ÒMy room is closer,Ó he said
at her look.
ÒBy
about a minute at most.Ó
ÒI
do not want to lose even that.Ó
They
both frowned.
ÒYou
know, thatÕs probably the most romantic thing youÕve ever said to me.Ó
ÒI
did not mean it that way. I meant
merely it was more efficient—Ó
ÒSpock,
shut up.Ó
He
wisely did as she said.
His
place was closer and he put that
minute to good use: pushing her against the wall, pulling off her uniform pants
and underwear, then his own, and hiking her up onto him.
The
sex had a quality that had been missing before: urgency. He was kissing her as if they had not
had sex in months and might not ever have it again. There were none of the lazy touches
theyÕd perfected during the weeks in the zoo.
She
smiled as she threw her head back, her orgasm having to war with a powerful
thought: Spock really wanted
her. Her.
It
wasnÕt love. It probably would
never be love. But it sure felt
good even so.
He
came and leaned against her, his lips on her neck as he breathed hard. Then he pulled back and kissed her. The kiss was devoid of the fierceness of
their sex, was full of a tenderness she didnÕt expect.
He
eased her down and they both stood awkwardly.
ÒThat
was great,Ó she said, as she pulled her pants back on and started to walk to
the door.
ÒDonÕt.Ó
She
turned. ÒDonÕt what?Ó
ÒDonÕt
leave.Ó
ÒOh,
weÕre not finished? It seemed like
maybe this was just a quickie. A
really, really good quickie, donÕt get me wrong. But still.Ó
He
seemed frozen. ÒI do not know what
I want us to do. I only know I
donÕt want you to leave yet.Ó He
looked up, his expression hopeful.
ÒDo you play chess?Ó
She
shook her head.
ÒI
could teach you.Ó
ÒThatÕs
okay.Ó
His
eyebrows pulled down. ÒSome other
game.Ó
ÒI
think IÕll just go. Okay?Ó
ÒAll
right.Ó He sounded a little bit
lost.
She
wasnÕt sure what to do about that so she headed back to her quarters. SheÕd just settled in with a good novel
when her chime rang.
It
was Spock. He held an ornately
carved book. ÒThis is...I have...Ó
ÒCome
in.Ó She moved aside and he walked
in.
ÒThese
are pictures. My youth.Ó He met her eyes. ÒWe donÕt talk. You have said that. I am...unsure how to start the
process.Ó He handed her the
book. ÒI thought this might be
interesting.Ó
Because
what man didnÕt think the story of his life was interesting? But she smiled and took the book. He was trying.
She
sat on the bed, and he sat next to her.
The first picture was of him as an infant. Amanda was beaming, a direct
contradiction to the culture sheÕd married into, that she would later conform
to much better.
ÒShe
looks so young.Ó
ÒAnd
happy.Ó
She
looked at him. ÒHappy?Ó
He
nodded. ÒShe did not always appear
happy with my father.Ó
ÒMaybe
it wasnÕt Sarek she was unhappy with.
Maybe it was just trying to be something she wasnÕt. A Vulcan wife. I mean a proper one.Ó
ÒNo,
he irritated her. Early on, not
anymore. I would hear them talking—fighting,
I guess would be more accurate, at least for my mother. My father was...closed off, she would
say.Ó
ÒImagine
that.Ó She leaned in so their
shoulders touched, so she could take some of the sting out of her words. ÒWhy are you doing this? You told me in the zoo that you wouldnÕt
choose me.Ó
ÒI
know.Ó
ÒThen
why do this? Clearly, IÕll have sex
with you without any deeper connection.
At least for now.Ó
ÒI
know that, too.Ó
She
waited, but he offered nothing else.
She turned the pages, asked him questions about the pictures but kept
them easy, nothing that would force him to share, to give her
anything—not when he didnÕt know why he wanted to spend time with her.
She
closed the book before they were done.
ÒI would like to see the rest someday. But IÕm tired. I want to go to bed.Ó
He
looked unsure.
ÒAlone.Ó
He
rose immediately. ÒOf course.Ó He walked to the door and then turned to
look at her. ÒDo you still love
me?Ó
ÒYes. Probably.Ó
He
nodded as if this was an important answer.
ÒI
donÕt like you much, though.Ó
ÒYou
do not know me well enough to say that.
It is my actions you do not like, not me.Ó
ÒWell,
you and your actions should go.Ó
ÒI
have angered you.Ó
ÒClearly
a family talent.Ó
He
looked down at the book. ÒI am
trying, Christine.Ó
ÒBut
why? Why are you trying?Ó
ÒI
do not know.Ó
They
were getting nowhere. ÒGoodnight,
Spock. Thank you for the
mind-blowing sex.Ó
He
turned and left.
It
took her forever to fall asleep.
The face of a little Vulcan boy—especially before Spock had
learned to hide his emotions—haunted her.
##
ÒWhat
did you do to my Vulcan?Ó Jim
smiled as he sat next to her in the rec lounge.
ÒMe?Ó
ÒHeÕs
a bit off his game chess wise.Ó
She
shook her head. ÒAnd youÕre blaming
me? Why not credit your superior
ability?Ó
ÒBecause
he was making stupid errors and thatÕs not like him.Ó
ÒMaybe
heÕs sick.Ó She smiled at his
look. ÒIÕm sure itÕs not me. IÕm not important enough to him to make
him distracted.Ó
He
motioned for the bartender.
ÒBeer. My private
stash.Ó He winked at Chapel. ÒCaptainÕs privilege.Ó
ÒAbsolutely.Ó
ÒYou
want one?Ó
ÒNo,
I wouldnÕt appreciate how good it is.
IÕll stick with wine.Ó
ÒSuit
yourself.Ó He swiveled his chair so
he was surveying the lounge. ÒFor
what itÕs worth, Chris, I do think youÕre getting to him.Ó
ÒAnd
what leads you to this, oh mighty one?Ó
He
laughed. ÒThe fact that heÕs
staring daggers—as much as a Vulcan can, anyway—at me and you.Ó
She
turned, saw Spock watching them. He
did appear miffed. ÒHeÕs jealous of
us.Ó
ÒReally? Hmmm. I donÕt know whether to be
flattered or annoyed.Ó He turned
his chair back to the bar. ÒIgnore
him. He wonÕt be able to resist
you.Ó
ÒWhat
is it with guys?Ó she asked, but she swiveled around to the bar anyway. ÒIf IÕd known the secret to getting you
was to act like I didnÕt want you, IÕd have saved myself some grief.Ó
A
moment later, Spock was at her side.
ÒChristine. Jim.Ó
ÒSpock,
old friend, I was just about to—Ò
ÒGet
the chessboard.Ó Chapel stood. ÒGood night, gentleman. IÕm turning in. Have a good game.Ó She didnÕt make eye contact with either
of them, just strode off.
Spock
did not come after her. Nor did he
come to her quarters later.
Just
as she thought: Jim didnÕt know squat.
##
The
planet was beautiful. A routine
surveying mission of a world just made available for Federation
settlement. Chapel was the medical
rep on the landing party.
Len
had groused a bit at that since the planet had a reputation as a paradise. ÒSpock asked for you specifically. You want to tell me why Spock would ask
for you?Ó He was biting back a
grin. ÒBeautiful Eden and the big
lug wants his Eve. IÕd say ÔAwww,Õ if I wasnÕt peeved at missing this.Ó
ÒThen,
go. I donÕt care.Ó She sat down at her desk. ÒGo.Ó
ÒOh,
no way in hell IÕm getting in the way of this. He wants you, then by damn he will get
you.Ó
ÒYou
sound like a marriage broker.
ThereÕs nothing in it for you if we get together. Unless youÕre just anticipating an
opportunity to make snotty comments?Ó
His
smile faded. ÒI wouldnÕt do
that. Well, I probably would, but
that doesnÕt mean I donÕt want to see you happy. And you seem to think he will make you
happy so forgive me if I cheer this on.Ó
ÒI
donÕt actually think he will make me happy. I just canÕt convince my heart of
that.Ó Or parts further south.
He
slid a chair over to where she was sitting and plopped himself down. ÒListen up. I have never, in all my years on landing
parties, been told by Spock not to come.
I think he actually likes me yammering on. Breaks up the routine a bit. Now, suddenly, he wants you? You idiot, heÕs courting you. HeÕs Vulcan, so heÕs too dumb to just
buy chocolate and flowers. HeÕs
going to give you a whole world.Ó
She
just stared at him. ÒHoly
shit. YouÕre a bigger romantic than
Jim. IÕm really quite terrified at
this moment.Ó She grabbed her
tricorder and stood. ÒYou know
where IÕll be if you need me.Ó
HeÕd
put his hand over his heart as she left and said, ÒThey grow up so fast,Ó with
a mock sob.
She
couldnÕt help it. SheÕd
laughed.
And
now here she was. On this beautiful
planet with Spock nowhere in evidence.
In fact, heÕd merely nodded at her when she got to the transporter room,
and after that ignored her.
She
really had to stop getting her relationship advice from Kirk and McCoy
Matchmakers Inc.
She
ran some routine scans—much of this had already been done by the initial
team—then just wandered around since she hadnÕt been assigned to work on any
particular location. She took random
scans of the vegetation and water supplies she came across. Making sure there wasnÕt a serpent in
paradise. But so far, everything
appeared normal, or as normal as Earth.
Not all the flora was good for them, but then you couldnÕt have
everything.
A
lesson she was trying to learn.
A
lesson it would be easier to learn if Spock wasnÕt walking down the path toward
her.
She
went back to her scans. He was
probably going to pass right by and—
ÒChristine.Ó
She
straightened up. ÒSpock. Nice place you have here.Ó
His
mouth ticked up slightly. ÒMay
I...walk with you?Ó
ÒYouÕre
the leader of this hootenanny. You
can do whatever the hell you want.Ó
ÒI
will take that as a yes.Ó
ÒThatÕs
because it was a yes.Ó
ÒIt
was not really. It was you hiding
what you do or do not want under sarcasm.Ó
She
glanced at him. ÒWow, look at you
being Mr. Insightful.Ó
He
did not meet her eyes. ÒIt is a
beautiful world.Ó
ÒVulcans
being so into that.Ó
ÒI
enjoy beauty. The way the sun
flashes on the water in that stream.
The way it makes your hair turn a bronzelike
color when it hits. The way—Ò
ÒDid
you just notice my hair?Ó
ÒIt
is very pretty in this light.Ó
ÒThanks?Ó She knew she sounded very confused. ÒDonÕt you have somewhere to be? Doing that leader thing?Ó
ÒDo
you want me to leave?Ó
ÒYes,
I have work to do.Ó She tried to
shut up the part of her who was saying, ÒNo, sheÕs lying, I really donÕt have
anything to do but stand here and listen to odes to my pretty hair.Ó
Sap.
He
looked disappointed. ÒI will leave
you to it. Doctor.Ó
ÒCommander.Ó
They
stood staring at each other for a long moment, then he turned on his heel and
walked off.
She
breathed a slow, shaky breath out, relieved that sheÕd managed to resist the
desire to pull him into the bushes and show him just how much sheÕd liked that
compliment.
##
Chapel
was working in sickbay when Jim came in.
He waited for her to get done with her patient, then said, ÒWhat are you
doing tonight?Ó
ÒLet
me check my social calendar.Ó She
pretended to think about it. ÒOh,
gee, nothing as it turns out.Ó
He
grinned. ÒCome with me to the
clambake, then. I love the beach.Ó
ÒYes,
I remember how much you liked Acapulco.
But this is a clambake in the rec lounge. No sand, no surf, possibly even no
clams.Ó
ÒI
think the clams are real. And the
quartermaster got us sand—I believe from the Engineers Corp. I hope he didnÕt lie on the
requisition.Ó
ÒThereÕs
a walkway somewhere in desperate need of sand.Ó
ÒOr
a beach volleyball pit.Ó He
shrugged. ÒOh, well. WeÕll recycle. WeÕre good that way.Ó He winked. ÒNow, come on. I know youÕre officially off shift and
that there are other doctors who can man sickbay.Ó
She
found him impossible to resist, as usual.
The clambake was in that early Òdrinks have just started flowing freelyÓ
mode and the noise level was only slightly loud so they could still talk to
each other without yelling.
ÒSee.Ó He pointed to the dancefloor,
which was now covered with sand.
ÒBeach.Ó
ÒWell
done, mon capitan.Ó
He
laughed.
ÒSand
is hard to dance in.Ó
ÒDepends
on what kind of dancing youÕre doing.Ó
He waggled his eyebrows and she laughed.
This. This was what was missing with
Spock. This...ease.
Then
again if she and Jim had started their friendship in an alien zoo rather than
bonding over relationships gone bad, maybe they wouldnÕt have this ease.
ÒCan
I ask you something?Ó she said as he pulled her toward the bar.
ÒSure.Ó
She
moved closer to him, didnÕt want others to hear the question. ÒIf it had been you and I in the
zoo. Would we be together after?Ó
ÒTogether
together?Ó
She
nodded. ÒA couple.Ó
He
ordered their drinks and then seemed to think about her question. ÒIÕm not sure. Probably. IÕve always wondered what it would be
like, you know, with you.Ó
ÒYeah?Ó
He
nodded and took their drinks from the bartender, then moved her out of the high
traffic area at the bar. ÒThatÕs
better. Now you donÕt have to look
like youÕre tonguing my ear when we talk.
Not that IÕd mind if you did that.Ó
Again the easy grin, the one that might mean he was serious but probably
meant he was kidding.
Because
they were friends. They could joke
this way.
ÒOh,
my.Ó He began to laugh.
She
followed his eyes and saw Spock at the door, staring at them. ÒHe doesnÕt eat clams.Ó
ÒHe
likes the corn on the cob though.
Even if he eats it like an old lady. And the roasted potatoes.Ó He turned, let his eyes burn into her,
as if something really was going on with the two of them. ÒAnd you. Methinks he likes you.Ó
ÒStop
it. IÕm not playing games with
him.Ó
ÒWell,
then this is perfect. IÕm the one
playing games.Ó
ÒStop
it. Please?Ó
He
frowned. ÒYou really mean it?Ó
ÒI
do. LetÕs just leave him alone,
okay?Ó
ÒOkay.Ó
She
turned, saw Spock walk to where Len and Sulu were talking. They included him easily, and she felt a
pang. It would have been far less
friendly if heÕd come over to her.
It would have been stiff and awkward and—ÒI should transfer,Ó she
murmured.
ÒWhat?Ó Jim turned her. ÒSay that again.Ó
ÒI
should transfer. Off. The ship.Ó
ÒNo,
you should not.Ó
ÒWhy
not? You donÕt need me.Ó
ÒI
do need you. And the ship needs
you. And that idiot who is my best
friend also needs you—heÕs just too stubborn to accept it yet.Ó
ÒNo. IÕm not what he needs. I bring problems. I bring tension where there was ease
before. I need to go.Ó
ÒChris,
listen to me.Ó All the joking was
gone. JimÕs expression was totally
serious. ÒSpock left Gol to seek out VÕger. Do you understand the significance of
that? And what did he find when he
melded with him? That VÕger longed to understand emotions.Ó
ÒIÕm
not sure he put it exactly that way.Ó SheÕd been in sickbay, too, that day.
ÒClose
enough. The thing that called him
wanted the very thing heÕd run from.
Of course you make his life messy.
Love does that. Stay. Keep doing that.Ó
ÒHe
doesnÕt love me.Ó
ÒThen
stay for me. Because I do. And I need you here.Ó He saw her surprise, and smiled
wistfully. ÒI donÕt mean like
that. Although, if things were
different...Ó
ÒBut
theyÕre not.Ó
ÒNo. TheyÕre not. YouÕre my friend, Chris. Why donÕt you try being his?Ó
ÒHe
doesnÕt want that.Ó
ÒI
think he does.Ó He clinked his
glass against hers, then left her alone as he went to mingle.
It
took Spock no time to leave Len and Sulu and find his way to where she stood
leaning against the bar.
ÒHowdy,
sailor.Ó It was what she would say
to her friend Jim, so she decided to try it out on Spock.
ÒChristine.Ó The sides of his eyes crinkled up ever
so slightly.
ÒYou
like clambakes.Ó
ÒThe
corn is delicious. Although Jim
makes fun of how I cut it from the cob.Ó
ÒJimÕs
like that. Plus, heÕs from
Iowa. I think thatÕs against the
law there. Corn being the state
flower and all.Ó
ÒAh. Yes.Ó He seemed to relax. ÒDo you like clams?Ó
ÒI
do. Not as much as scallops, but
theyÕll do in a pinch.Ó
ÒI
will remember that.Ó
She
smiled. ÒWhy?Ó
ÒIt
may prove useful information someday.Ó
ÒAh,
ever the pragmatist.Ó She saw they
had brought out the food, realized she was really hungry. ÒYou want to sit with me?Ó
The
casual way she said it seemed to surprise him ÒMay I?Ó
ÒYou
donÕt have to ask. I asked you.Ó
ÒAh,
of course. Then, yes, I would.Ó
ÒBig
group table or smaller?Ó
ÒCan
you explain the relative benefits and risks of both?Ó
ÒSure. Big table: no lack for conversation, so
thatÕs good. Especially for
us. But limited opportunities to
speak frankly with so many ears around.Ó
ÒAnd
the small table is intimate, but would lead others to make assumptions about
our relationship?Ó
She nodded.
ÒSuch
as... speculation as to whether or not weÕve had sex?Ó
ÒExactly.Ó She grinned. ÒYou could send a ship-wide memo
affirming the fact. That would get
them off our backs.Ó
ÒBut
the ship-wide memo would itself be the talk of the crew, would it not?Ó
ÒYouÕre
catching on.Ó
ÒIs
there not another option?Ó He
nodded to a medium sized table, where Jim sat with Sulu and Uhura. ÒThere is room for us there.Ó
ÒLook
at you, the master social strategist.Ó
She grinned and walked toward that table.
He
was by her side in two strides, seemed to want to get ahead of her a bit, but
she didnÕt let him, even though she had the feeling they were looking odd as they
nearly doubletimed it across the lounge.
ÒSomething
wrong?Ó Uhura asked as she sat down next to her.
ÒNope. Just afraid this prime table would fill
up.Ó
ÒGo
get your food. IÕll save your
spot.Ó She looked up at Spock. ÒYours, too.Ó Then she gave Chapel a significant look
that said in no uncertain terms, ÒWe are going to have a long talk later, and
you are going to grovel when you beg my forgiveness for lying to me.Ó
Amazingly. That was the hardest part of the
evening. The clams were good. Spock did eat his corn like an old lady
and earned ribbing from everyone.
And at the end of the night he walked her to her quarters—and
didnÕt come in, although he looked like he wanted to, very much.
Win,
win, win.
##
She
stood outside JimÕs quarters, debating whether or not to ring the chime. Finally, she did.
The
doors slid open and she walked through to his sleeping area, saw him standing
at his viewscreen, slightly bent forward, hand on his
side. HeÕd been hurt on the latest
mission. Hurt, but hell bent on not
showing in weakness to the crew.
ÒYou
in pain?Ó
He
nodded.
ÒYou
were supposed to come back to sickbay and get some pain medicine for those ribs
when you got off shift.Ó
ÒI
know. I hate that stuff. Makes me fuzzy.Ó
ÒToo
bad. Being in pain makes you
cranky. IÕll take fuzzy over that
any day.Ó She walked over, holding
up the hypo so he could see it.
ÒMay I offer you a cocktail, my dearest?Ó
At
his nod, she gave him the meds, then stood back and waited while they went to
work. His expression eased a bit,
and he finally let go of his side.
ÒI
couldnÕt sit. I couldnÕt lie
down.Ó He started to yawn. ÒHow much of that did you give me?Ó
ÒEnough
to knock you out, you stubborn fool.
If thereÕs a crisis, IÕll wake you up, donÕt worry.Ó
His
eyes were getting heavier. She led
him to the bed, threw the covers back then pushed him down so he was sitting on
it. She pulled off his boots, and
eased him under the covers. He was
starting to smile, the happy smile of someone on a lot of pain meds.
ÒI
love you,Ó he said.
ÒUh
huh.Ó
ÒI
do. CanÕt have you but I want
you.Ó He was staring up at her with
such an open expression it nearly broke her heart.
ÒI
love you, too.Ó
ÒYou
do?Ó
She
nodded, and she knew it was true.
Easy to say, easy to understand.
She loved him. ÒWhy canÕt
you have me?Ó
His
eyes were starting to droop.
ÒYouÕre with my best friend.Ó
ÒWhat
if I werenÕt?Ó
He
smiled. ÒYou are. You just donÕt know it yet.Ó
She
leaned down and kissed him. WasnÕt
surprised when he put his arms around her and pulled her down to him, so she
was lying next to him on the bed. Then he kissed her.
He
was as good a kisser as sheÕd always thought he would be.
A
moment later she decided he was actually a better kisser than sheÕd thought he
would be—and sheÕd set the bar pretty high in her imagination.
He
finally pulled away. ÒStay with me,
Chris? Until I fall asleep?Ó
ÒOf
course.Ó
ÒI
shouldnÕt have kissed you.Ó
ÒItÕs
all right. ItÕs our secret.Ó
With
a happy sounding sigh, he rolled over and put his arm around her. ÒLove you.Ó
ÒI
love you, too, Jim.Ó
Like
her life wasnÕt complicated enough?
##
She
saw Jim in the mess the next morning, got her food and then took the chair
across from him. ÒHow are the
ribs?Ó
ÒHurting.Ó He gave her a sheepish grin. ÒAbout last night.Ó
ÒDid
you mean it?Ó
He
looked down. ÒChris, I shouldnÕt have
said what I said. Or did what I
did.Ó
ÒWhy
not? I liked hearing it.Ó She smiled. ÒI didnÕt object to what you were doing,
either.Ó
ÒNo,
I know you didnÕt.Ó He took a deep
breath. ÒIt never happened, okay?Ó
ÒYou
could have pretended not to remember.Ó
She smiled when he met her eyes finally. ÒIf youÕd really wanted it to never
happen, then you should have not said anything.Ó
ÒI
canÕt pretend it away.Ó
ÒSure
you can. YouÕre a master of
that. King of the mental
reset. ItÕs what makes you so good
at what you do. Live, learn, move
on.Ó
She sat down and stared at her breakfast but was having trouble mustering
enthusiasm for it. She looked up,
saw he was watching her with a lost expression on his face. ÒJim.Ó She wanted to reach out for him.
He
seemed to realize that. He edged
his hand closer to hers. Not
touching, but so close. ÒI fell in
love with you on Earth.Ó
ÒWhy
didnÕt you say something?Ó
ÒYou
were leaving.Ó
ÒOkay,
that I understand. But then we were
here. Together.Ó
ÒYouÕre
on my crew. It seemed safer to have
you with Spock and just be your friend.Ó
He laughed, a bitter, self-deprecating laugh. ÒIÕm an idiot. When I found you with him. Naked. My first reaction was jealousy. Then relief that you were all the way
across the enclosure, not in his arms.Ó
ÒYou
came over. You took care of me.Ó
ÒDo
you think I would have let anyone else do it?Ó He sighed.
ÒDid
you send Spock up to the ship?Ó
ÒNo. That he did all on his own. And I was glad, but then I saw how much
it hurt you that he did it, and I felt guilty that I was happy when you werenÕt.Ó He shook his head. ÒI tried to help you. Tried to get you two together. You looked good last night. Together.Ó
ÒWe
looked good because I finally treated him like someone in whom I had no real
interest. Someone I could shoot the
shit with and not worry how it sounded.
I had fun because I was with you and Ny and
Sulu.Ó
ÒCrap.Ó
ÒItÕs
not. I mean it.Ó
ÒNo,
not crap to what you said--look who just came in.Ó
She
turned, saw Spock watching them. He
walked over.
ÒSpock,Ó
Jim said, his voice about a galaxy away from normal. He pulled his hand back, and Spock
watched it move.
ÒJim. You are feeling better?Ó Spock finally tore his gaze away from
JimÕs hand and looked at Chapel.
ÒYou were not in your quarters last night.Ó
ÒI
got in late.Ó Which was true. She got in late once she finally managed
to tear herself away from a sleeping Jim.
ÒI
see.Ó
There
was silence. They made a strange
tableau if anyone was watching. Her
with defiance and guilt warring.
Jim not making eye contact with either of them as he pretended to be
mesmerized by his eggs. And Spock,
looking at both of them, his face becoming stonier by the moment.
ÒI
will let you get back to your conversation.Ó He turned on his heel and left the mess.
ÒGod
damn it,Ó Jim muttered, pushing his plate away.
ÒWhy
you donÕt you just go and tell him that I was with you first.Ó
ÒYou
werenÕt, though. You slept with
him.Ó
ÒI
was with you first. In every way that matters, Jim. I saw you when you were drunk and crying
over Lori. I saw you when you were
happy in Acapulco—that spur-of-the-moment trip we went on. I almost slept with you that night.Ó
ÒI
stood outside your door for ten minutes that night. CouldnÕt bring myself to knock, not when
you were going away.Ó
ÒIÕm
not going away. IÕm right
here.Ó She threw her napkin down,
her food untouched. ÒBut I could
go. If thatÕs whatÕs best. Look, IÕm going to end things with Spock. IÕll come to you tonight. You can either take me to dinner or you
can approve a request for transfer for me.
Whichever. I donÕt care
anymore.Ó
ÒYou
donÕt?Ó
She
stood, then leaned down. ÒOf course
I do. I want you to choose me. But if you canÕt, I want you to let me
go. IÕm not staying here and
pretending that I love Spock when I really love you and was just too dumb to
know it.Ó
She
straightened and left.
##
She
found Spock in the lab. The door
was on privacy, but it opened to her touch. She went in, found him waiting for her,
his seat carefully chosen, his hands steepled as he
watched her walk toward him.
ÒDid
you lie to me? When we were held
captive, you said you and Jim had not had sex.Ó
ÒThat
was not a lie.Ó She took the stool
across from him, folded her hand in her lap, and waited.
ÒYet
you love him.Ó
ÒIÕm
not sure I realized that at the time.Ó
ÒI
understand that. Sadly.Ó He looked away. ÒI believe I have come to care for you
to some extent.Ó
She
swallowed hard. ÒI care for you,
too. I always will. But Spock. ItÕs work to be with you.Ó
He
turned back to stare at her harshly.
ÒIt does not appear to be work when we are having sex.Ó
ÒBut
having sex isnÕt the same thing as having a relationship. We have nothing to talk about. Except, us and sex. WeÕre going to get bored with that.Ó
ÒAnd
with Jim?Ó
ÒI
can talk to him. I can laugh with
him. IÕm happy with him.Ó
ÒEven
without the sex?Ó
ÒYes. Even without the sex.Ó
ÒIf
I tell him you are mine, he will not take you.Ó His eyes were hard.
Her
eyes were harder. ÒThen donÕt tell
him that.Ó
ÒYou
are so fierce where he is concerned.
I wish you were that passionate about us.Ó He stood up. ÒI have an experiment to tend to. I regret to inform you, Christine, that
I no longer desire to pursue a relationship with you. I wish you happiness but it will not be
with me.Ó He sounded very dignified
when he said it, but his eyes were sad.
ÒThank
you.Ó
He
turned as she headed for the door, and she heard him say, ÒComputer, delete
Doctor Chapel from privacy exception list.Ó
ÒDoctor
Chapel deleted.Ó
So
that was that.
##
Her
heart was pounding madly as she stood outside JimÕs door. Finally, she rang for admittance and the
doors slid open.
He
was waiting for her, sitting at his desk, an uncanny twin to Spock earlier in
the day, except for he didnÕt steeple his fingers. But his expression was as wary.
ÒSpock
and I are through. He broke up with
me.Ó She shook her head. ÒAfter I told him about us. Or confirmed there was an us. Only with no sex.Ó
Was
she making any sense at all?
He
held up a padd. ÒI have your
request for transfer here. I could
easily hit approve.Ó
ÒMaybe
you should. If thatÕs what you
want.Ó
ÒHaving
you here. ItÕll get messy. For Spock especially. And heÕs my best friend.Ó
ÒWhere
was he when you were hurting? Your
best friend?Ó She moved closer to
him, saw him swallow hard at her proximity. ÒI was your best friend on Earth. I was the one who knew what was going
on. Not Len. Not Spock. Not anyone else on this goddamned
crew. Me. Just me.Ó
She
was crying and she dashed the tears away; they were useless.
ÒSpock
signed up for the emotion tour, Jim.
Well, heartache is an emotion, too.
ItÕs not just happy stuff that VÕger was missing.Ó She moved closer. ÒAnd I donÕt think, frankly, that heÕll
be heartbroken very long. He cares
for me maybe. But love? No.
ItÕs not there yet. I donÕt
think it ever would have been.Ó
Jim
stared at the padd. His finger
wavered over the action buttons.
ÒDo
you want me to push the button?Ó she asked. ÒWould that be easier?Ó
His
head snapped up. He was angry. ÒNo. I can do it.Ó He struck his finger down, hit a button,
and handed it back to her.
ÒThere. ThereÕs your
goddamned decision.Ó
She
looked down: the transfer was denied.
She thought she might fall down.
ÒIÕm
not going to rush into this, Chris.
HeÕs my best friend.Ó
ÒI
know.Ó She moved over the viewscreen, mainly so she could lean against something as
she stared out.
She
felt him behind her; he snaked his arms around her, pulled her to him and held
her like that for a moment, his arms tightening almost painfully, his lips on
the back of her neck, under her hair.
She could feel his breath on her skin.
Neither
of them said anything.
Both
of them said everything.
ÒI
love you,Ó she said, breaking the silence.
ÒI
love you, too.Ó He let her go. ÒLetÕs go eat.Ó
FIN