Empty

Empty

by Djinn

I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to be everything he needs me to be. God help me I'm trying to be Mulder now. And I'm trying too damn hard.

Nothing has ever been this hard before. Just getting up in the morning--pulling myself out of bed and getting ready in between bouts of morning sickness is nearly more than I can handle. I often considered what it would be like to live in a world that didn't contain Mulder. But to live in one that does but hides him from me...it's more than I can bear.

But I have to bear it. How will I ever find him if I don't stay strong?

I feel so empty inside. Which is ironic since I am anything but. I don't understand this. How can I be pregnant? The normal reasons just don't apply. I am barren. I cannot bear children. They harvested my eggs. End of story. Yet here is life growing inside me. I would be caught up in the wonder of it if the rest of me weren't hurting so badly for Mulder. God, I miss him so much.

That night in the desert, in Arizona. I felt him. He was nearby. I could hear his heart beating, I could feel every cell in my body calling out to him. I was almost there, I know I could have found him. But then Agent Doggett came for me in that damn helicopter, the lights and the noise ruining everything. By the time I could get back to the spot, I felt nothing.

Skinner, the Lone Gunmen, they keep trying. They are still looking. But for now he is gone. I can feel it in my bones. Not dead. I'd know that somehow. But gone, off this plane, out of my reach.

But he'll be back. I know that too. I don't know how but I do.

And all I can do in the meantime is carry on his work. Try to be him. And fail at it miserably. I'm a scientist, even with all I've seen, I'd rather play the skeptic. Make Mulder work for his wild ideas. Having to be the one who stands on the edge...it's not a role I'm comfortable in yet. I may never be.

And working with Agent Doggett only makes it worse. Alone I could convince myself that Mulder was just back in D.C. or on some other case. But having another partner is a constant reminder of what I've lost. It doesn't help that I don't trust him. He's Kersh's boy, no matter what he says about the X-Files. I can't ever forget that he is spying on me. I wonder what he'll say when I can no longer hide this pregnancy.

I wonder what I'll say when he asks about it? Same thing I tell myself when I'm hunched over the toilet I guess. I'm pregnant. I don't know how, or why, but I am. Deal with it.

Mulder would be solicitous. Careful of me. There'd be a look of wonder in his eyes. Pregnant. He wanted that for me. Wanted a normal life for me. How can it be normal if he's not in it?

I want him back. I pray. I dream. I cry. I go on. Trying to be strong. But empty. So empty.

FIN