DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the property of Paramount Studios and Viacom. The story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and is copyright (c) 2000 by Djinn. This story is Rated PG-13.
Down to the Bone
by Djinn
What this love has brought me.
What this love has taught me.
Patience in battle, who's in the saddle.
Joy and despair, that I really do care.
Uncertain desire, the risk in going higher.
Oh this love has been hard on my bones.
On My Bones, Kendall
Payne
*You had no right!* Her
mind-scream was feral and shrill. It woke Spock up from his exhausted sleep.
She saw his body react, felt his mind react, to her distress.
He looked around for the threat, then, as
awareness slowly came to him, realized she was screaming at him. *Wife?*
She let all the anger she felt at that word
well up and travel through the newly forged link. *Wife?! You had no right, you
bastard!* She felt a moment of satisfaction as he cringed at the impact of her
emotions. She scrambled from the bed, grabbing clothes that lay strewn in her
path.
*Christine?* He sat up, confused at her
behavior.
She turned on him. "Use words, Spock.
I'm human, use some goddamn words."
"If you wish." He watched her as she hurriedly started dressing.
"Where are you going?"
She felt her heart sink. Maybe it wasn't
over. "I assumed we were through here." She stopped,
her bra half fastened, "Do I have to stay?"
He got up slowly and approached her. He
reached out for her but she shied away. His confusion only grew. "Christine,
you do not ever *have* to stay. But we are one. We bonded last night. Do you
not wish to stay?"
She frantically finished hooking her bra.
"That wasn't part of the deal, Spock. I never gave my permission."
"You said you would do whatever it took to
save me. A full bonding is a natural part of the Pon
Farr."
"But it doesn't have to be, does
it?" she spat at him, almost viciously.
"I do not understand your
question."
"You didn't have to bond with me, Spock.
You chose to do it. And why?"
"We were together, we were close. It
seemed logical."
"I'm sure it did. What better way to
ensure that the next time this happens there are no problems for you." She
grabbed her panties. They were ripped nearly in half. She pulled them on
anyway.
"Given the things you have said in the
past, the level of affection you said you held for me, I assumed you would find
this a satisfactory outcome?"
Her pants and shirt and one shoe on,
Christine looked for the other shoe, which she found poking out from under a
chair. "Satisfactory? Spock, I love you, that's
why I came here in the first place. How could you do this to me."
"It does not have to be
unpleasant..." He reached out for her again.
She grabbed his hand and with a skill that
surprised them both followed the bond to the core of him. A black wall met her.
*Let me in, Spock. I can't stay if you won't let me in.*
There was no response. He blocked her
utterly.
Sighing, she pulled out. "I won't live
without love."
He sounded incredulous. "You cannot
leave me. You are my wife."
She gave him a bitter and angry smile.
"See you in seven years, Spock."
As the door closed behind her, a stunned
Spock slowly sank to the floor. "Christine?" he whispered.
**************************
The shuttle ride back to Earth was hell.
Every few minutes Christine felt Spock's mind calling her back to him. She
wondered if he was even aware that he was doing it.
How could this happen? She had gone to him as
soon as she heard from Uhura that he had closed himself up in his quarters. She
and her friend had discussed this many years ago. Christine had extracted the
other woman's promise that she would call her if the situation arose.
It was ironic really. She had wanted to save
him, of course. But she had always assumed the experience would open them up to
each other. That it would make him want her as his beloved wife.
Well, she thought bitterly, I got part of
that wish. She wondered if beloved was even in Spock's vocabulary.
"Dr. Chapel?" The attendant was
smiling at her. "You have a priority transmission from an Ambassador
Spock. You can take it in the privacy station."
Christine shook her head. "Tell him I'm
indisposed."
"Excuse me?"
Christine snapped at her. "What part of
'tell him I'm indisposed' did you not understand?"
The woman straightened up, stung by
Christine's tone. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you." She spun on her
heel and walked away.
Nice, Chapel, she berated herself. Take it
out on innocent bystanders. She sighed heavily. Her head throbbed from the
constant barrage of Spock's calls. It was like a migraine, only she had feeling
that no medicine was going to make it better.
*Leave me alone!* She felt his mental cries
stop. Then just a word came across.
*Wife?*
She refused to let the sound of that long
desired word sway her determination. Again her mind screamed across the
distance. *Leave me alone, Spock. You are hurting me. You will impair me
permanently if you don't let me be. Is that what you want?*
Silence met her. Minutes passed and the
blessed quiet continued. Thank god, she thought. She lay her head back against
the cushion and instantly fell asleep.
******************
Once she was back on Earth, Christine's life
fell back into its old pattern. She told only two people about the incident:
Uhura and Demora Sulu, who the two women treated as a
surrogate daughter. Much to Christine's relief, Spock did not again try to
contact her. So she was surprised when several months after their encounter, he
sent her a message.
He was at his most formal. "Greetings
wife. I accept that you have chosen to live apart. However, you are
still my bondmate and as such you are entitled by
Vulcan law to a share of my holdings. I have listed them in an attached file
that you will need to open and sign. You will find that you are suddenly a very
wealthy woman, although I do not anticipate this will interest you as it might
a more mercenary woman. I only wish I could offer you what you desire as easily
as I share my material goods. I cannot change my nature, Christine. If this
situation is truly abhorrent to you, I will not protest a divorce. I did not
bond with you, however, with the intention of merely dissolving the union, so
it is my wish that we remain wed. I will await either your acceptance of our
union or your decision to petition for divorce. Spock
out."
Christine started to laugh. Those were the
most words he had ever exchanged with her. Without her realizing it her
laughter turned to sobs. Tears streamed down her face as she opened the file he
had sent. She was indeed a rich woman. She stared at the button she would have
to touch to accept that she was, in the eyes of Vulcan anyway, Spock's wife.
Finally she reached out, the brush of her finger
closing the file and sending her acquiescence back to Spock.
So I'm your wife, she thought. I still won't
live with you. Not without love.
********************
Several months later, Christine was at her
desk when it hit her. Grief...overwhelming, paralyzing grief. And not hers. Spock!
She could barely rise from her chair. The
anger and denial and sadness and loss threatened to overcome her. Must focus,
she commanded frantically. I can't help him if I am incapacitated too.
The video monitor seemed a long way off.
Finally she reached it, hit a Starfleet channel. The cause of Spock's distress
was immediately apparent in the breaking newsflash that played continuously.
"Captain Kirk dies a hero's death on the Enterprise-B."
Oh god, no. She had spent half her life
jealous of the closeness that Kirk had managed to forge with Spock. She had
wept for the Captain when Spock had given his life to save the
It took three hours to get through to Demora Sulu to discover what had happened and find out that Spock had made his way to the ship as soon as
he heard of Kirk's death. Demora told her how Spock
had spent hours searching with the sensors, not believing that his friend was
truly dead. But finally even he had to give up. He had staggered off the bridge
and to his cabin. Nobody had seen him since. He did not open the door, nor
would he answer hails.
"You're coming to get him, aren't
you?" Demora guessed. "You're the only one
that can help him now, I think. We can't reach him.".
"I'm leaving on the first shuttle in the
morning," Christine assured her.
The next day she was on her way to the Gourami Sector to rendezvous with the Enterprise-B.
**************************
The closer she got to the
*Spock?* She reached out for his mind
tentatively. There was no break in the pain. She tried more forcefully, using
their as yet untested bond. *Spock!*
*Who?* she sensed his confusion as he felt
her voice call him from his suffering.
*Husband.*
*Christine?* Pure shock and then relief
coursed through the link. His lack of control was a disturbing indication of
the level of his grief.
*Yes, Spock. I'm coming for you.*
*Soon?*
*Right now, Spock.* It was like talking to a
child. *I'll be there soon.*
She felt hope burst from him then just as
suddenly it was enveloped by despair. *I am alone. My friend is gone.*
*You are not alone, Spock. You will come home
with me and we will be together until you are well again.*
*I will never be well.*
She sent encouragement and faith back to him.
*Yes, yes you will, husband. I will see to it. I will be there in a few hours.
Hold on for me.*
*Yes, I will hold on for you.* She felt him
wrap up the worst of his grief in a cocoon of control. *Hurry, wife. Hurry.*
**************
Several hours later, Christine beamed over to
the
"He'll let me in," Christine
assured her. "Take me to him."
Demora nodded and led her to the guest quarters that Spock
was using. The privacy lock was engaged.
*Spock.* She sensed a stirring from the
cabin. *I am at the door. Let me in.*
The door opened and he stood before her. Both
she and Demora gasped involuntarily at the sight of
him. He was gaunt, his hair dirty, his eyes red from no sleep. He stood hunched
over as if in pain. His skin was flat and grayish. But it was his expression
that broke Christine's heart. She had never realized how much life, even
merriment, was contained in his eyes. Now they were dead as they looked back at
her.
"Spock..."
He moved away from the door and let her in.
She turned back to Demora. "Do not let anyone
disturb us." The other woman nodded, and Christine reengaged the privacy
lock.
She turned back to Spock. Again the shock of
his appearance hit her full force. It didn't matter if he never loved her, she
realized. She could not stand seeing him this way. She had to help him. But she
was unsure how to begin. She was afraid to touch him, afraid to crumble his
hard won control.
"Spock?"
*No words. Words can be misinterpreted. Give
me your mind, Christine.*
She felt a frisson of fear at the thought of
her mind and soul in his damaged hands. She steeled herself and moved to him
until she was nearly touching his chest. His hand reached out for her face. She
felt the pain of earlier, only magnified. Gasping with the force of his grief,
her legs collapsed and he pulled her to him. He supported her weight for a
moment then let them both collapse gently to the floor as he went even deeper.
She felt him rifle through her emotions. His
mind touch was not gentle as he looked for something only he knew would save
him. Her fear rose up again and she had to fight the urge to resist him. Then
she was overwhelmed with memories of all the times she and Spock had
interacted, his first Pon Farr, the time on Platonius, sharing consciousness to help Sargon, all the
little times she had run into him or worked with him. It was as if he were
milking the memories of her emotions. Then he focused on their bonding, the Pon Farr that had led up to it. She felt him amplify the
pictures in her mind. *Yes,* his mind hissed to her. *Love me. Help me.*
Again she felt the urge to resist, but her
love for him wouldn't let her abandon him. She found the core of him buried
deep inside her and let go of every barrier she had ever erected to hide her
feelings. She wrapped him so tightly in her love that she thought for sure he
would reject the experience. But he did not run, he
did not struggle against the emotional onslaught. Instead he just kept
whispering, *Help me, Christine. Help me.*
**********************
Hours later, he released her and gently
helped her up. He appeared ready to collapse but Christine could sense that he
was ashamed of his unkempt appearance. She led him gently into the bathroom,
stripped off his somewhat ripe uniform, and then stripped off her own clothes.
She turned the shower to a temperature they could both tolerate and pulled him
into the chamber with her. Moving him into the water stream she began to
massage his neck. She kept her feelings very tender, almost professional. This
was not about sex, this was about healing.
She felt Spock relax under her ministrations.
He sighed heavily as she continued down his back. She pumped some shampoo from
the shower container, began to rub it into his hair and scalp. As she used her
fingers to massage his head she heard him groan. "Feels
so good, Christine."
She was suddenly overwhelmed by tenderness
for this man. She felt tears begin to fall. Feeling her emotion he turned to
face her. His expression was uncertain as he touched her face.
"I'm so sorry you lost him, Spock."
She sobbed unwillingly as her own grief hit her. "I'm so sorry."
He pulled her into his arms. He shed no tears
but he shuddered as he held her now weeping body, again letting his mind enter
hers. She felt his surprise as he realized that she had loved Kirk too. *I am
not alone?*
*You are not alone, Spock.*
His hands brushed away her tears as she got
control of herself. She finished rinsing the shampoo out of his hair. Took up
the soap and began to cleanse his body. She did not avoid any spots and as she
neared his genitals she could sense his discomfort. *Husband?* she sent to him,
*May I not do this?*
He dropped the hand he had been raising to
fend her off. *Wife, you may.*
She kept her motions as non-sensual as she
could. She was reaching to put the soap back when he surprised her by taking it
from her. *What...*
*Wife? May I not do this?*
She felt only a momentary hesitation before
she replied, *Husband, you may.*
He soaped her gently, rubbing off the grime
of the shuttle voyage and the sweat of their time on the floor. As he rinsed
her off, she wondered if he found her body appealing.
*I find you beautiful,* he said. *So
beautiful.*
He reached back and turned off the water.
Leading her out of the chamber he took his towel and dried her off then used it
on himself quickly. Ignoring the clothes scattered all
over the floor, he pulled her unresisting to the bed. She followed him under
the covers and he pulled her in close to him as his fingers again found the
meld site. His mind was again in hers, though infinitely more gentle than
before. *I regret if I hurt you.*
*You did not.* She felt his mind reach for
the place it had been so well loved before. She made room for him and when he
had settled among her memories she again wrapped her love around him, keeping
him safe while he mourned.
As she felt his consciousness fading into
sleep, tenderness suffused her being. *I love you, Spock.*
She felt his contented mental sigh. Her own
exhaustion caught her and she soon followed her husband into slumber.
**************************
They left the
But inside their minds they were anything but
strangers. Bridges were appearing between them. Thoughts were starting to flow
freely. Spock opened himself to receive her love and she was unafraid to send
it.
By the time they had arrived back on Earth
and she was showing him to a guestroom in her apartment touching his mind had
become second nature. She felt a new emotion from him as he looked at the guest
bed...consternation. *Spock, what is it?*
He looked at her, sent her images of them
wrapped in each other's arms. Then he turned away and opened his travel case to
unpack his things.
"Do you want to sleep with me?" He
turned at her words.
*Christine...*
"Use words, Spock. Do you want to sleep
in my bed?"
She felt his resistance to even this small
concession. She turned away, sorry that she had pushed him.
"Yes." Then she felt his mind
caress hers. *Please do not leave me alone.*
She walked over to the bed, grabbed his case
and smiled at him. "Come, husband, come see our
bed."
She felt a strong feeling of satisfaction
from him as he followed her. She had to stifle a laugh, which quickly turned
into a yawn.
"You are tired."
She nodded. Then she laid her hand on his
chest and let her mind find his. She felt his exhaustion. *So are you, Spock.
We will sleep now.*
He nodded and before she had time to think
about it he was stripping her clothes off her, then
taking his own off. He folded both sets of clothes neatly on the dresser. As he
turned around, he noticed her expression and stopped mid-stride. *Have I done
something wrong.*
She laughed outright. Then
sent him a picture of herself in her nightgown and him wearing pajamas.
He just as quickly sent back a picture of them both lying
naked in the bed. He pushed her into the bed and followed her down. Wrapping
himself around her, he sent her a soft thought, *I prefer skin on skin.*
She cuddled closer to him, *Honestly, so do I.*
*Then we do not need to discuss this again,
my wife. Sleep.* His hands pulled her even closer as his mind sank deep into
her consciousness. She felt that she was wrapped completely in him, no space
left untouched. As his mind relaxed it pulled her own into sleep.
**************
*Jim!* Spock's mental scream woke her
violently. *Jim!*
She reached for his mind, followed the stream
of the nightmare. Found herself in the middle of it.
Spock stood near a cliff, trying to hold Kirk up but his grip was not firm and
the captain slipped, fell down, down, down. *Jim!*
*Spock!* She made her voice firm, the tone of
teacher, of a mentor, of a friend. *Spock!*
He turned to her, shocked to see her there.
*He is gone.*
*You couldn't have saved him.*
*I should have been with him. I could have
prevented this.*
She could feel his guilt. He would never
believe her. Please, she thought, please if you are anywhere out there, reach out to him now, now while he can hear you.
Suddenly a familiar voice rang out. *I doubt
that old friend.*
Spock spun around, his emotions wild in her
mind. *Jim!*
Kirk stood before them both, looking happy
and very much alive. He nodded at Christine but most of his attention was for
his friend. *I was grandstanding, Spock. You know how you hated that. I only
would have succeeded in taking you with me.*
She could feel Spock's despair, *That would have been acceptable.*
Kirk reached over and shook the Vulcan. *No dammit, it would not have been acceptable! One of us dead
by my vanity is quite enough. Besides,* he threw Christine a cocky grin, *I
saved the ship, I'm a hero, who wants to share that?*
She walked up to stand behind Spock. He
sensed her and turned to look at her.
Kirk laughed, *Personally
I can't think of a better reason to live than what is standing right there. She
loves you, Spock. Love her. Remember me, but let me go. I'm fine. You'd be
surprised what it's like here.* He faded out and for a moment Christine thought
she saw a cabin in the woods and a woman waiting for him.
*Spock?* She held her hand out to him.
He turned to her, took her hand in his own.
*I can go on?* he asked her seriously.
*Yes.*
He frowned. *We can go on? Together?*
*Yes.*
She pulled him out of the nightmare, back to
their safe place. She knew the grief was not gone, would perhaps never
completely leave, but Spock was safe now. He could go on. As if in answer, he
pulled her in to him, touched her face gently. Then she felt his mind again
pull her down into unconsciousness.
********************
Christine woke several hours later to find
Spock watching her. His gaze was unfathomable. Suddenly uncertain, she reached
for him through the bond. Blackness met her. The barrier she had tried to get
through the first time was up again. Instant sorrow filled her. The communion
with Spock, so fresh in her mind, was gone.
"Would you like to see what is behind
it?" Spock's voice was gentle.
She wanted only to run away, run from him.
Her heart was breaking.
His hand reached for the meld points.
"Wife, may I not do this?"
She sobbed in fear and in hope, as his
fingers hovered just above her face. "Husband, you may."
His mental touch was feather light, gently
caressing her. *I have found solace in your mind, within your love. But you
have only found a nightmare within my mind. It is time you went deeper.*
She followed his touch to a distant part of
him, to the barrier that she had not been able to break through.
*Behold your power now. Touch it, Christine.*
She reached out. At the first tiny contact
the blockade shivered. She touched it a little more firmly and the structure
collapsed at her feet. Suddenly all around her was warmth. Utter safety. Spock.
*Come see what lies beyond.*
She moved slowly, feeling as though she were
drowning in him. The deeper she went, the more surrounded
she felt. Love, she realized, this is love.
*Yes, beloved, this is love.*
She felt him wrap her in tenderness, in
contrition, in passion, in gratitude...in love. She was also dimly aware that
their bodies were joining, mirroring the closeness that their minds were
experiencing.
*How?*
His tone was richly amused and affectionate.
*It was always there. But I was afraid to let it out. It escaped that moment
during our Pon Farr when I sought to keep you with me
always by bonding with you. Later I was afraid; I locked up my feelings. But
they were always there. I have been drawn to you from the first moment I saw
you. But circumstances were not in our favor. So I pushed my feelings behind
this wall.*
She felt her body responding to his, finding
blissful pleasure in his arms. His mind caressed her as well. *I lost Jim. I
will not lose you, Christine. Not if you will have me as your husband, in
truth.*
She laughed in joyful delight. Before she
took off like a child to explore his waiting emotions, she asked, *Husband, may
I not do this?*
*Wife, you may.* His chuckle was the most
beautiful sound she had ever heard.
FIN