DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2012 by Djinn. This story is Rated R.

Damaged

by Djinn

 

 

Kirk sat silently while Chapel paced the small confines of the office he had commandeered to hold meetings in.  Why the hell had Starfleet built a ship without a proper office for its captain?  Once he got older and the council actually listened to him instead of just handing him ships for being a goddamned hero, he planned to suggest they make an office for their commanding officers.  It wasn't as if he could do counseling in the middle of the bridge.

 

Although if he had, he'd at least have had the moral support of the rest of the crew instead of just the manic pacing of one silent nurse who hadn't wanted to tell Bones and wouldn't tell Kirk what the hell was going on when she was off shift.

 

ÒWhat happened?Ó  He'd try the direct approach.  Chapel seemed no nonsense.  Why should he spend thirty words when two would do?

 

She didn't look offended, but she also didn't stop pacing or answer him, just shook her head, trying to hide the bruises on her wrist, bruises that extended up her arm.

 

ÒDid you fall?Ó

 

ÒYes.  Yes, I fell.Ó  Her tone was almost frantic.  ÒWhat the hell difference does it make?  I told Leonard this...Ó

 

ÒIs someone hurting you?Ó

 

She whirled on him, and he pulled back involuntarily, surprised at the expression on her face.  Anger.  Pain.  And resolve.  ÒLeave me alone.Ó

 

He got up slowly, hands out as if she were an unruly dog and not the ship's head nurse.  ÒI just want to help.Ó

 

ÒNo one's hurting me.  I'm not even in a relationship.  I'm just a klutz, okay?  I was working out and I slipped.  This is the result.  Len completely overreacted.Ó

 

He studied her face.  She was trying to be calm, but she wasn't calm.  He knew the difference, had seen it on his mother's face when she was trying to hide something his stepfather had done.  He also knew the words were about as true as anything his mother had ever told him—he'd seen Chapel in the gym and she wasn't a klutz.

 

But he'd fought this battle and it was a losing one—if you fought it head on.  ÒOkay, then.  Just be more careful.Ó

 

ÒCan I go?Ó


ÒBy all means.Ó  He nodded at the door, then felt stupid—she didn't need him to tell her how to leave a room.  Overcompensating: he was back to where he'd been as a kid.  Trying to make it all right.  Trying to tone things down, cool things off.

 

As Chapel passed him, he looked at her arm again.  Finger marks.  Those were goddamn finger marks.  If she'd hurt herself working out, the bruises would look different.

 

Someone on his crew was hurting her.

 

As the door closed behind her, he sighed.  Someone on his crew was hurting her and it was now his job to find out who.

 

##

 

Gaila looked at Christine's arm, saw that the bruises were turning dark.  Usually Christine used a machine on them, but she'd had to take it back to sickbay for inventory, had forgotten to bring it with her the last few nights.  The bruises stood out like angry recriminations, like words hanging in a room where the truth was never said.  ÒI'm so sorry.Ó

 

Christine saw what she was looking at.  ÒForget about it.Ó  She smiled, but the smile didn't go to her eyes.

 

Gaila was a master at reading expressions.  She'd had to be; it had been the only way to survive her life as a slave.  It was the reason she was here now; she'd found the right man to befriend, a man who'd been kind enough to set her free.

 

Or perhaps cruel enough.  Had he known she'd founder once she was free?  She was fine on the job, in engineering, where things made sense and there were rules and order.  But personal time was another issue—too unstructured, too likely she'd screw up and make a bad choice.

 

ÒMaybe I should go to the counselor instead.Ó  Gaila could hear the panic in her voice, tried to keep calm. She glanced at Christine's arm again.  Christine had said if sheÕd talked to her, that would be enough and she wouldnÕt have to go to the counselor.  But she hadnÕt known Gaila would hurt her—that Gaila could hurt her.  Maybe she was having second thoughts?

 

ÒNo, sweetie.  Counselors are crap.Ó  Christine took a deep breath, then crawled into bed.  She spooned behind Gaila, the way GailaÕs mother had before Gaila had been forced to leave her, to live on her own, to service customers.  It had been the only time they'd had to talk.  When her mother wasn't working.  When Gaila wasn't watching, learning, being trained.  It was their special time, when the lights were low, and their voices even more so.  The only touches then were soft and gentle, full of love.

 

Gaila had screamed the night the men who owned her mother had come in and torn them apart.  Her mother had screamed, too; her cries had rung out as Gaila was carried kicking and yelling down the hallway, but then her mother had gone silent, the transition from noise to silence so abrupt that Gaila had known a blow had been the cause.

 

She'd been sold that night, sent far away from the only person who'd been kind to her.  She'd never seen her mother again.  Would her mother be proud of her?  For getting away.  For making this new life, in a place where what mattered was what someone did, not what they looked like.

 

ÒEasy, Gai.  Easy...Ó

 

ÒI was only ten years old.Ó  She grabbed onto Christine, held her arm, as if her friend could stop the pain.  Christine gasped and then bit back the sound, and Gaila realized she was holding onto the bruised part of her arm.  In the low light of her quarters, she could tell that her fingers were sitting exactly where they had before.

 

ÒI'm sorry,Ó she said, forcing the memory back into the dull blackness she'd pushed all her memories of that place.  ÒI'm so sorry.Ó

 

Why did she always hurt the people she loved?  And she loved so few.  Even if she told every man she was with that she loved them.  It was expected on Orion.  The only currency she'd had.  Her love equaled her body, her body equaled sex, and her sex had value.  ÒI love you,Ó she'd said, as theyÕd taken what sheÕd offered—as they still tended to. 

 

Only Jim had answered back with ÒThat is so weird.Ó  He might have been good for her—if he hadn't been using her to get access to the Kobayashi Maru databases. 

 

He'd used her; so had hundreds of men—and a few women—before him.  So what?  It wasn't like she deserved better.  And at least heÕd told her what heÕd done.

 

She felt Christine gasp again, realized she was clutching, too hard, too much.  She didn't know moderation.  Pike had told her that once when she nearly collapsed after pushing herself too hard to get ready for an engineering mock inspection.

 

ÒPace yourself, Cadet.Ó  He'd been kind.  He never looked at her like she was something he'd like to gobble up.  He expected the best out of her, but he also expected her to work sanely.

 

He'd been her first crush.  A man she, finally, couldn't have.  Just thinking of him made her feel calmer, and she stroked Christine's arm. 

 

ÒMaybe I should spoon you?Ó she asked, and Christine nodded, but her eyes were funny, as if she wondered what kind of damage Gaila might do to her hips or waist or throat.  ÒI won't hurt you.Ó

 

ÒI know you don't want to.  Whether you do or not remains to be seen.Ó  Christine turned over though, let Gaila put her arms around her.

 

ÒYou sounded like Spock.Ó

 

ÒI didn't mean to.Ó

 

Gaila sighed.  Her friend had a crush on the Vulcan.  Didn't she know he was head over heels in love with Nyota?  How could she not know that?  Gaila had known that Pike was in love with ChristineÕs sister Number One; she'd seen them together.  One look confirmed it.  She'd felt a momentary sadness and then relief that she could adore him and it would never come to anything.

 

Something safe was a novel thing.

 

But Christine knew better.  She'd loved, been loved—had been engaged, even.  How could she be so stupid to fall for Ny's man?  Chapel needed to take a lesson from Gaila's book, start thinking with her head and turn her heart off.  Men never wanted hearts, only bodies.

 

Christine should know that. 

 

ÒYou like Spock.Ó  The words were out before she could bite them back.  ÒYou like him and he doesn't like you.Ó

 

ÒHe does like me, he just doesn't love me.Ó  Christine was tensing in her arms, as if she knew what was coming.  ÒHe's helping me with my dissertation.Ó

 

Helping her?  Christine was an idiot if she thought that was all she wanted from him.

 

ÒBesides he's a Vulcan.  Very safe to like.Ó  Christine laughed softly.

 

ÒHe may be Vulcan, but he can love.  He's not emotionless.  He loves Ny

 

ÒI think I prefer the bruises—can we go back to those?Ó  Christine joked whenever Gaila struck out this way.  Even though Gaila could hear the hurt in her voice, she'd keep joking all night.

 

Gaila hated that she struck out.  The first time she did it, Christine had told her it was because she felt threatened, because she felt...known.  And she was right.  All those men had held her body, but they'd never seen the real Gaila.  It had been hard letting Christine in.  She hadn't let Ny in.  Bu then Ny had never wanted in, not really.  Gaila wasn't completely sure why Christine wanted in.  Except that there was a darkness in her, a darkness Gaila didn't understand but almost fed off of. 

 

Christine shifted.  ÒDo you want to talk?  Because if not I have an experiment to get back to.Ó

 

An experiment that Spock was helping her with, no doubt.  Men were always more important than friends, and Spock had stolen both Gaila's friends away.

 

They weren't really her friends. Why would they be?  Why would anyone be?

 

ÒHon'?Ó  Christine was practically whimpering, and Gaila let up on her, wanting to kiss the bruises that would show up on her other arm, wanting to make it better the only way she knew how.

 

Christine had never wanted that.  Christine didn't want her.


No, Christine valued her as a friend and wasn't going to use her just for sex.  Yes, that was it.

 

She had to keep telling herself that.  It was all right.  Even if they'd left Earth.  Even if they were getting dangerously close to Orion space.  Even if...

 

ÒWhy do you put up with me?Ó she asked.

 

ÒBecause you're my friend, and I want to help you.Ó  Christine rolled over so they were facing each other, eased her forehead against Gaila's.  ÒI hurt for you.Ó

 

ÒNo, you hurt because of me.Ó  Gaila leaned down and kissed the bruises. 


Christine allowed it—sheÕd been around long enough to know touch was the language Gaila spoke best. 

 

##

 

Chapel left Gaila sleeping, wincing as she reached for the door controller.  She hoped she had a loaded hypospray back in her quarters, but she was afraid she'd forgotten to refill her stash.  She needed to remember to bring back the healing unit from sickbay—if she could find a time when Eagle-Eye McCoy wasn't watching her.

 

She stepped out into the corridor, saw the captain leaning against the bulkhead, one foot resting on the wall, arms crossed over his chest.

 

ÒWell, this is interesting.Ó  He gave her a tight smile.  ÒDon't pretend you're not in pain.Ó

 

She turned and headed to her quarters, ignoring him as he kept pace with her. 

 

ÒIt's funny.  When I was with her, she never hurt me.  Guess you're just special.Ó

 

ÒDon't.Ó

 

ÒDon't what?  Point out the extremely poor choices you two are making?Ó

 

ÒWhatever we're doing, it's our business.Ó

 

ÒNot when it has my CMO complaining that his best nurse isn't on her game.  And you know what a whiny bastard he can be when he gets going.Ó  He grabbed her, shook her a little.  ÒSlow down, goddamn it.Ó

 

She winced, an involuntary gasp coming out as his fingers found budding bruises.

 

ÒChapel.  Chapel, I'm sorry.Ó

 

She heard footsteps coming, pulled him into her quarters, then sat down on her bed and bit back tears.  This wasn't about her.  This was about her friend, who needed her, who was willing to confide in her, who might explode—or implode, more likely—if she didn't have someone she could talk to.  So what if talking ended up with Chapel hurting?  It was a small price to pay if she was helping Gaila.

 

ÒIs she worth it?Ó  He sat down next to her.  ÒI mean she's Orion and all, but...Ó  He smiled tightly, trying to make what wasn't a joke funny.

 

She actually appreciated that.  ÒWe're not lovers.Ó

 

ÒThen why...?Ó  He lifted up her sleeve, examined the red skin that would turn purple soon if she didn't haul ass to sickbay and treat it.

 

ÒShe's really screwed up.Ó

 

ÒWe have psych screenings for that.  Or we're supposed to.  How the hell did she get on my ship?Ó

 

His ship?  He'd had it what?  Four months?  She met his eyes.  ÒHow'd you pass, Captain?  How'd you game the screening so they didn't realize how completely screwed up you are?Ó  She leaned in.  ÒMight want to keep your voice down the next time you and Len play 'pass the bottle' in sickbay.  I hear an awful lot from both of you.  Enough to realize that neither of you is any more 'all right' than I am.Ó

 

He looked surprised at her admission, then leaned in.  ÒHow'd you game it, Chapel?Ó

 

ÒHow do you think?  They never get us.  Not really.  We're functionally damaged, but we test well.  They can't see that we're the walking wounded.  Bodies of cast iron and hearts of shattered glass. They don't look for that; they can't.Ó

 

ÒPoetic.Ó  He ran his fingers lightly over Gaila's finger marks.  ÒBut you're not cast iron.Ó

 

ÒI'm helping her.Ó  But was she?  Was she really?

 

ÒChris, this doesn't look like help.Ó

 

ÒIt's Christine.Ó

 

ÒNobody calls you Chris?Ó

 

She shook her head.

 

ÒGood, it's my special name for you, then.Ó  He smiled.  ÒAnd that didn't distract me.  We have a counselor on board.  Gaila should see her, not you, about this.Ó

 

ÒHow have you done with counselors over the years, sir?  I know how I have.Ó  She met his eyes.  ÒI'm helping her, sir.Ó

 

ÒMy name's Jim.Ó

 

She could tell he was using his name to soften her up, but she thought it might soften him up, too.  To hear it.  To be called a name other than sir or captain.  ÒJim, I'm helping her.Ó

 

She saw something in his eyes, something that resonated with what she was saying.  Then it died.

 

ÒYou can't help her, Chris.  She'll suck the life out of you if you try.Ó

 

ÒShe's not your mother.Ó

 

He tensed, and for a moment, she thought he might hit her.  But then he relaxed, and she realized he wasn't like that, had forced himself not to be like that.

 

She wished her father had learned the same lesson when his daddy beat him, wished he hadn't carried the tradition on to Chapel.  She wished she didn't know how it felt to tiptoe around, to watch expressions just to gauge how ÒsafeÓ you were.

 

No one should have to wonder how safe she was in her own home.

 

ÒGaila's life—itÕs been extreme, Jim.  You can't imagine.  She's so light and happy—but that's the face she puts on.  Her life was horrible.  And we talk about it.  I'm the only person she has who she will talk to.  DonÕt take that away.Ó  She leaned in.  ÒSheÕs doing so well in engineering.  IsnÕt she?Ó

 

She knew Gaila was.  Scotty raved about her.  She was his favorite protŽgŽ.

 

ÒItÕs just the down time thatÕs a problem.  And weÕre working on that.  DonÕt interfere, Jim.Ó  She moved closer, took his hands, pressed them, felt him press back.  ÒPlease?Ó

 

ÒYou canÕt help her.Ó  But he got up and sighed, and then said, ÒIÕll tell Bones to stop riding you.  But IÕll still be watching.Ó

 

ÒThank you.Ó

 

ÒDonÕt thank me.  I doubt IÕve done you any favors.Ó

 

##

 

Kirk took a deep breath before comming his grandmother.  He loved her, probably more than anyone else in his life, but he wished he hadnÕt needed her so many times as a boy. 

 

ÒJames,Ó his grandmother smiled at him, her eyes a bit clouded, her hands shaking as she adjusted her old-fashioned viewscreen.  ÒHowÕs my boy?Ó

 

Her boy.  HeÕd always been her boy no matter how much he acted up, no matter how many stupid pranks he pulled.  SheÕd taken him in more than once, had held him and let him cry his heart out and didnÕt comment on the bruises she found on him.  SheÕd told him stories of his father, what heÕd been like when he was growing up, how much she loved him.

 

SheÕd been the only safe thing in his life.  Until Pike, until this new life.

 

ÒIÕm good.  ShipÕs good.Ó

 

ÒAnd your friends?Ó

 

He grinned.  HeÕd never had friends as a boy, just partners in crime.  This trust he had with Bones, with Spock, with Scotty and Sulu and Uhura, it was new.  It was nice.  He didnÕt have the first idea how to manage it, but it seemed to be taking care of itself on its own.  He just tried to stay out of the way.  ÒTheyÕre great, Gram.Ó

 

ÒIÕm glad.  And have you found a nice girl to settle down with?Ó

 

For a moment, he thought about Uhura.  Then he forced his mind off her and was surprised to find himself thinking of blonde hair, blue eyes, bruised skin, and a terrible look of resolve.

 

His mother.  Chapel looked like his mother.  Except his mother had never been that resolved. Resolve had taken one look at Winona Kirk and run screaming from the room.

 

ÒJames?Ó  His grandmother was laughing softly, as if he seemed embarrassed or something.

 

ÒOh, no, Gram.  Just someone who reminds me of home.Ó

 

Her look changed.  ÒHome as in me?  Or home as in your mother?Ó

 

ÒKind of both, I think.Ó


She looked surprised.

 

ÒDo you think if IÕd known what I was doing, I could have helped Mom?Ó

 

ÒNo, darling.  She didnÕt want to be helped.  She still doesnÕt.Ó

 

No, she didnÕt want to be.  She didnÕt want to be in KirkÕs life anymore.  Had skipped all the ceremonies that meant he was succeeding, not screwing up.  HadnÕt commed when heÕd shipped out after being made captain.

 

She didnÕt care about him.

 

Chapel wasnÕt faced with that.  Not according to her.  Gaila wanted help.  Gaila wasnÕt his mom, and neither was Chapel.

 

ÒYouÕre thinking awfully hard, James.Ó

 

ÒSorry.  Bad habit lately.Ó 

 

ÒSo, get on with it and tell me whatÕs going on.  Only the interesting parts, though.  IÕm old and may not have much time left.Ó

 

He laughed and told her about his week.

 

##

 

Gaila watched as Scotty demonstrated what he said was an old technique, but she thought it was probably something heÕd just made up and didnÕt want to tell them was new and untried.  He was like that, had learned his lesson, apparently, when theyÕd exiled him to Delta Vega.  He was pretending now.  Pretending to be not quite as brilliant as he was, at least until his first year was up.

 

He never pretended when he was alone with Gaila.  HeÕd say, ÒLass, this isnÕt the way they taught you at the Academy, but what do those blowhards know?Ó  And then heÕd show her something that worked twice as well and took half as long.

 

She worshipped Mister Scott.  SheÕd have slept with him if heÕd wanted it, but he never went there, and she wondered if it was because he didnÕt find her attractive, or if he did but just wouldnÕt do it because he was her boss.  She supposed it could be that he didnÕt think she was pretty; some people didnÕt like green. But she didnÕt get that vibe from him.  It was more that once she put on an engineerÕs uniform, she became part of his club.  Part of the inner sanctum, one of those who got it, really got it. 

 

She didnÕt just work in Engineering.  She was Engineering.  ThatÕs how he described it.  ThatÕs how the best of them were: part of the ship.

 

SheÕd never been part of anything until Star Fleet accepted her.  And even at the Academy sheÕd been the outsider, the green girl.  The sexy, slutty, but thankfully smart girl.

 

But here in Engineering, she wasnÕt an outsider.  Finally, it was only the smart part that mattered.  At least to Scotty.  Ensign Yates kept giving her the eye.  And Parsons snuck looks at her when he thought she wasnÕt looking.  But Scotty never did.  He just met her with his direct look and weird humor and didnÕt look at her chest even by accident.

 

ÒCaptain on deck,Ó someone called out, and she rolled her eyes.  You did that for admirals, not captains on their own ships, or youÕd be doing nothing but that.  Did people not pay attention during the protocol course?

 

ÒThanks for that.  Are you going to announce the queen next?Ó Scotty asked, the mockery almost lost in his accent as he walked over to Jim.  ÒCaptain.Ó

 

ÒMister Scott.Ó  Jim looked around the engine room.  He nodded at her in what was clearly a professional way, then moved on.

 

She loved that he did that.  DidnÕt ogle despite the fact theyÕd slept together.  DidnÕt leer.  He treated her like just another member of his crew.

 

He looked good.  In control.  In command.  SheÕd been unsure of staying if he was going to be in charge.  Thought it might be awkward, but heÕd made it easy.

 

ÒAs you were,Ó he said as he motioned for Scotty to walk with him, his head close to ScottyÕs, as if they were working up a practical joke—or coming up with some new version of transwarp beaming.

 

Scotty listened for a moment, then he turned to her.  ÒEnsign Gaila.  Come give us the benefit of your wisdom, wonÕt you?Ó

 

She hurried over and smiled at Jim, then looked at Scotty, trying to be the professional, not an excited girl who couldnÕt believe heÕd singled her out in front of everyone.

 

ÒThe captain has a few ideas for making our ship have greater thrust in a crisis.Ó

 

ÒIÕd like to avoid having to eject the core next time we hit a singularity,Ó Jim said with a smile.

 

ÒAye, IÕd like to avoid that, too.  My poor wee engines deserve better.Ó

 

Wee?  She looked around the enormous engine room and smiled.  She loved how Scotty talked, even if at first sheÕd been completely confused by his accent and the way he said one thing and meant another.

 

ÒItÕs based on what you were talking about, Scotty.  In the bar the other night on Delentia  He pulled out a padd.  ÒI wrote it all down after you left with that lovely brunette.Ó

 

Scotty smiled and sighed.  ÒAye, she was a wonder.Ó  He included Gaila in the smile, as if she was just one of the boys.

 

Jim held the padd out to her, let her study what heÕd come up with.  ÒWhat do you think, Gai

 

She met his eyes.  ÒThis is interesting.  It could work.Ó

 

ÒCan you test it without tearing apart my ship?Ó

 

She laughed.  ÒYes.Ó


ÒThen do it.Ó

 

She took the padd from him and transferred the data to her own, then handed his back.  ÒIÕll get right on it.Ó She heard Scotty cough quietly.  ÒAfter I finish what I was doing.Ó

 

ÒAfter hours is fine, too,Ó the captain said.  ÒIf you want a project to keep you busy.Ó 

 

ÒAfter hours would be great.Ó  Kill some of that horrible free time she never knew what to do with.  Maybe give Christine a break from playing mother-shrink.

 

He held her gaze.  ÒYou doing all right here?  Scotty treating you right?Ó

 

ÒMister Scott is amazing.Ó  She saw her boss blush and laughed.  ÒAnd yes, IÕm very happy here, sir.Ó

 

ÒGood.  Good.Ó  He seemed to want to say more, and she waited, but he just shook his head and smiled in what looked like an uncomfortable way.  ÒOkay, then.  Carry on.Ó

 

ÒAye, sir.Ó  She stuck her padd into her pocket and went back to the engines.  The padd pressed against her leg as if urging her to pay attention to it, not her tasks.  She had to work to ignore it; she couldnÕt wait to get started.

 

##

 

Chapel saw the captain come into the rec lounge and waited until he was alone before walking over and asking, in a casual, low voice, as if she wasnÕt spitting mad, ÒWhat the hell do you think youÕre doing?Ó

 

ÒHmm?Ó

 

ÒGaila and her extra credit project.Ó

 

ÒOh, sheÕs not actually getting any extra credit.  Did she think she was?Ó  He gave her a tight little smile.  ÒHowÕs the arm?Ó

 

ÒYou had no right to interfere.Ó

 

ÒActually, I did.  You both work for me.  You both work on this ship—a ship I need to keep running at optimum level.  GaiÕs happy, and more importantly busy during her down time.  YouÕre getting some actual rest, and Bones has quit bitching to me about you every five minutes.  Win, win, win

 

McCoy had quit riding her, so sheÕd thought heÕd quit bothering the captain with this.  But apparently cutting him off at the pass was harder than sheÕd expected.

 

ÒCan I buy you a drink, Chris?Ó

 

ÒFine, sir.Ó

 

ÒI told you my name was Jim.  Use it.  IÕm sick of being sirred

 

She followed him to the bar.

 

ÒYou know, there are five kinds of women in the world.Ó 

 

ÒReally?Ó

 

He nodded.  ÒWine drinkers.  Beer drinkers.  Non drinkers.  Fruity concoctions with umbrella drinkers.  And those who appreciate good hooch.Ó

 

She waited, giving him nothing.

 

ÒI think youÕre in the last group.Ó

 

ÒSorry, Jim, but I like my drinks blue with multiple parasols.Ó  She motioned the bartender over.  ÒIÕll have a scotch, neat.  My friend here will have the same.  Only make his a double.  Oh, and itÕs on his tab.Ó

 

ÒNice.  And see.  I was right.Ó

 

ÒYou were right.  IÕd give you a gold star, but IÕm fresh out so thoseÓ—she waved at the viewport, where the starstream in warp showed—Òwill have to do.Ó

 

ÒThey more than do.Ó  For a moment he looked still and happy, then he turned to her.  ÒGaiÕs fine for the moment, Chris.  You werenÕt fine.Ó

 

ÒYouÕre a doctor suddenly?Ó

 

ÒNo.  But I know when someoneÕs not getting anywhere but is too damned stubborn to quit trying, or to take a moment to see if maybe their path needs tweaking.Ó

 

ÒWhich do I need to do?Ó

 

ÒI donÕt know.  I doubt you know yet.  But maybe with some time, youÕll figure it out.  In the meantime, Scotty tells me Gaila is constantly accosting him with ideas sheÕs building off my modest little suggestion.  SheÕs happy.Ó

 

ÒFor now.Ó

 

ÒYes.  For now.  Sometimes thatÕs all you can ask.Ó  He sipped at his drink, but she had the feeling heÕd like to have thrown it back and have another.  ÒDo you dance?Ó

 

ÒI do.Ó

 

ÒDo you want to dance with me?Ó

 

ÒI donÕt know.Ó  She saw a grin start to grow; the man loved a challenge, there was no doubt of that.  ÒJim, you irritate me.Ó

 

ÒI get that a lot.Ó  He smiled but there was something underneath the smile, something that went very deep.

 

She finished her drink in one swallow, as if Scotch was a shot of tequila.  ÒI didnÕt really mean that.Ó 

 

ÒThatÕs nice of you.  But I do get it a lot.Ó  He finished his drink and took her hand, leading her out to the dance floor.

 

He was a good dancer. She hadnÕt expected that.  It was a slow number and he did more than sway; he knew how to lead, how to hold her just so.

 

ÒMy grandmother taught me to dance,Ó he said, as if sheÕd asked the question.  ÒItÕs a happy memory.Ó

 

She could tell that happy memories were not the norm for him.  ÒShe was a good teacher.Ó

 

ÒShe was—is a good everything.Ó  He sighed, then pulled her closer.  ÒGaila will be fine, Chris.  Just...just let things be for a while.Ó

 

It was comfortable with him.  They fit together nicely.  She settled her head in the crook of his neck, smiled as he ran his hand over her upper back.

 

She decided she could let things be.  For a while.

 

##

 

Gaila saw Nyota sitting alone in the mess hall and walked over.  ÒDo you want company or is he joining you?Ó 

 

She never used SpockÕs name, just in case there was a crewman on the ship who hadnÕt figured out these two were together.

 

ÒEven if he were joining me, Gai, you could still sit here.Ó

 

Gaila nodded tightly as she put her tray down and sat.

 

ÒIÕm serious.  The captain joins us.  Sulu joins us.  Hell, even Chekov muscles his way in, although itÕs usually just to talk obscure science with Spock.Ó  She grinned.  ÒHeÕs really a strange kid.Ó

 

Gaila laughed, feeling finally like they were roommates again, sharing secrets and having inside jokes.  ÒHe really is.  But cute.Ó

 

ÒYeah, heÕs growing on me.Ó  Nyota leaned forward.  ÒIs he growing on you?Ó  Her eyebrows went up and down in a way that made Gaila giggle.

 

ÒOn me?  IÕd leave the poor child scarred for life.Ó

 

ÒNo, you wouldnÕt.  Why would you say that?Ó  Nyota was frowning, probably because sheÕd never woken up with finger marks.

 

Not that Pavel would, either.  Gaila couldnÕt imagine sharing her darkness with him, sheÕd open her mouth and the first word would get swallowed up in his sunny eagerness.

 

Nyota frowned.  ÒWhat?Ó

 

ÒNothing.Ó

 

ÒNo, you looked funny.Ó  Nyota was leaning forward.  ÒIf you like him, I didnÕt mean to tease...?Ó

 

ÒItÕs not that.  ItÕs not anything.  Really.Ó  She gave Nyota the brilliant smile that fooled nearly everyone.  ÒIÕm distracted.  New project.  Exciting.Ó

 

ÒYeah?  Tell me everything.Ó

 

For once, Gaila could.

 

##

 

Kirk saw Chapel sitting by herself in the rec lounge, watching Spock and Uhura as they talked with Bones.  He recognized the look on her face, figured it wasnÕt for Uhura.  Ordering a drink for her to go with the one for himself, he walked over and sat down next to her. 

 

ÒDid I say you could do that?Ó

 

ÒI have single malt for you.Ó

 

ÒOkay, fine, you can do that.Ó  She smiled and it was actually a nice smile.  ÒWhatÕs the occasion?Ó

 

ÒTo hopeless crushes.Ó  He glanced toward Spock and Uhura and then smiled gently.  ÒI have one.  You have one.  HereÕs to getting over them.Ó

 

ÒIÕll drink to that.Ó  She clinked her glass against his.  ÒYours is for Nyota, right?Ó

 

He laughed.  ÒYes.Ó

 

ÒGood.  IÕd hate to think I was competing with two of you for Spock.Ó  She grinned. 

 

ÒNope, heÕs all not yours.Ó  He shook his head as he surveyed the room.  ÒThey do know how to have a good time.Ó  Gaila especially.  She was in a crowd of men, all eagerly hoping by the looks on their faces that sheÕd notice them.  She was a pro, though, at giving everyone a little bit of attention and no one too much.  He liked the moderation sheÕd started to show.  ÒSheÕs not sleeping with everyone who asks anymore, is she?Ó he asked softly.

 

ÒNope.Ó  She sighed.  ÒBut still a lot of them.Ó

 

ÒWell, she is Orion.  Sex is sort of like breathing for them.Ó

 

ÒI know, but her reputation is all she has.Ó

 

ÒWell, Scotty will make sure a good bit of her reputation is for how damned smart she is.Ó  He leaned back.  ÒWhy are you helping her?  I would have thought Uhura might have but how did you get involved?Ó

 

ÒUhura didnÕt even see what was going on with Gai.  No one did.Ó

 

ÒI wouldnÕt say no one did.Ó

 

ÒOh, youÕre saying you did?  Mister use her for the codes to the Kobayashi Maru and then dump her?Ó

 

ÒShe told you about that?Ó

 

Chapel nodded.

 

ÒDamn.Ó  He met her eyes.  ÒGuilty as charged.  But...I have an explanation.Ó

 

ÒOf course you do.Ó

 

ÒI didnÕt have to let her know I did that.  I could have covered my tracks better and she wouldnÕt have been the wiser.  But...I wanted her to be more careful who she trusted.  What she was willing to do for lovers.  I wanted to...Ó

 

ÒTo teach her a lesson?Ó

 

ÒThat sounds so harsh.  But yes.Ó

 

ÒWell, it worked.  SheÕs definitely been more circumspect on what she says about work.  And IÕm working on her self esteem.Ó

 

ÒIs that before or after she crushes your arms?Ó  He frowned.  ÒShe never seemed that strong.Ó

 

ÒSheÕs not.  Usually.  But she gets in the memory and I let her go.  I let her remember, and she goes deep, and her reaction is to hold on.  And I bruise easily.  I always have.  She just doesnÕt know how to hide it the way my fath—Ó

 

He waited, but she was staring resolutely down, her face going white instead of red.  He could tell she hadnÕt meant to say that, and she was mad at herself for letting it slip, not embarrassed.

 

ÒSo he beat you?  My stepdad used to think it was fun to wallop the shit out of my mom and me, too.Ó  He waited, just let the statement hang there, sipped his drink and watched his crew.

 

He waited so long he thought she wasnÕt going to bite.  But then she said, ÒThen you understand?Ó

 

ÒI fully understand.Ó  He turned so he was sitting more sideways, facing her, his knee up.  ÒTell me?Ó

 

ÒI donÕt talk about it.Ó

 

ÒI donÕt, either.  Maybe itÕs time we did.Ó

 

She drained her drink.  ÒGet me another first?Ó

 

ÒYouÕve got it.Ó  He finished his, got up and secured refills, and hurried back, almost afraid sheÕd be gone, but she was still there.  He handed her the drink then sat down, closer, so they could talk as quietly as theyÕd need to.

 

ÒI always thought my mother was the volatile one in my parentsÕ relationship.  But when she left, I realized she was the one who grounded my father.  He was lost without her.  Lost and angry.Ó  She took a sip of her drink.  ÒAngry meant violent.Ó  She met his eyes.

 

ÒYeah, when my dad died, my mom remarried.  My stepfather was a piece of work.  Especially once he realized he could never live up to the legend that was George Kirk.  ThatÕs when he really lost it.Ó

 

ÒI think my dad lost it when he realized mom was never coming back.  And when my sister and I both started looking just like her.  Gwen got out before he turned bad.  SheÕs older.Ó

 

ÒSheÕs with Admiral Pike.Ó

 

ÒDefine with.Ó  Chapel didnÕt smile.

 

ÒI donÕt think I need to, do I?  At his side.  In his bed.  Whatever.  SheÕs clearly important to him and vice versa.  She was at his side every time I went to visit him when he was recuperating.Ó

 

ÒYeah, thatÕs Gwen.  Pike is her life.Ó  Bitterness surrounded her words.

 

ÒShe left you there.Ó

 

ÒYep.Ó  Chapel looked down.  ÒI mean, she was in Star Fleet.  I donÕt know what I thought sheÕd do with me, but she was living this free life that did not include being beaten.Ó

 

ÒDid you tell her?Ó

 

ÒShe didnÕt care.Ó

 

ÒDid you tell her?Ó  He reached over.  ÒListen, I understand if you didnÕt.  My grandmother—my fatherÕs mother—she wasnÕt welcome at our house, but sheÕd find ways to see me.  I didnÕt tell her, either.  She noticed it one day when she hugged me too hard.  Then she found ways to get me away.Ó

 

ÒAt least you had that.Ó  Chapel looked down.  ÒAlthough I got myself away.  The hard way.Ó  She laughed softly.  ÒSpent some time in a juvenile facility.  Impulse control problems.  Anger management issues.Ó

 

ÒOh, man, have I heard those phrases in my life.Ó

 

She smiled, but then her smile faded.

 

He leaned in, asked softly, ÒDid your dad...?Ó

 

She seemed to know what he was asking without him having to finish the thought.  ÒNo, he had his girlfriends for sex and me for kicking the shit out of.  Only he had this one girl, Stephanie.  She was sweet.  So nice to me.  I actually think...Ó  She swallowed hard.  ÒI think I sort of loved her.Ó

 

ÒItÕs okay to love people.Ó

 

ÒIÕm not sure itÕs smart, though.Ó  She took a long sip of her drink.  ÒAnyway, she was cooking dinner and I was setting the table.  I must have been about twelve at the time.  The age girls get really surly.  My dad didnÕt like the way I was doing the job.  I canÕt even tell you if I was doing it right or not.  But he just exploded.  Knocked me across the room.  I hit my face on the edge of a table.  Next night was a dance at school.  I actually was going.  Now I was going to look like crap.  I came up spitting mad.Ó

 

ÒNot good.Ó


ÒNever good.  Fighting back just makes it worse.  TheyÕre like bears.  You should just huddle up, protect your vitals, and play dead.Ó

 

He reached out, touched the back of her neck, was happy to see she didnÕt flinch so he started to rub it.  ÒYep, thatÕs probably the best thing to do.Ó

 

She smiled at him.  ÒHow many times you do that?Ó

 

ÒPretty much never.Ó

 

ÒFigures.  Me, neither.  I always riled him up worse.  But this time, she got in the way.  She tried to talk him down.  Leave her alone and all that.  SheÕs just a kid.Ó  Chris seemed very far away.  ÒHe hit her so hard.  And it was the look in her eye that did it more than anything.  That shock, you know?  That he could hit her, too.Ó  Her eyes turned hard.  ÒI went to the stove and I picked up the pan.  Nice solid cast iron one.  We were studying anatomy in school.  I was a straight A student with barely passing grades, if you get my drift?Ó

 

ÒI completely get your drift.  I was the same way.Ó  He winked. 

 

ÒI knew where to hit him.  I intended to end him.  You know?Ó

 

He nodded.

 

ÒBut she got in the way.  She protected him.  And the oil went all over her arm.  And the pan hit him wrong.  Still got him good, but not in the temple.  He was in a coma for three days.  She had second degree burns on her arm—never forgave me.  I spent time in juvenile rehabilitation while they tried to figure why I did it.Ó  She laughed, the sound so sad and bitter it made his heart hurt.  ÒSo if youÕre planning to ask me at any point tonight why IÕm not letting the counselors near Gai, thatÕs why.  My dad, he never had anything done to him.  StephanieÕs still with him.  IÕm not welcome there.  Gwen is embarrassed by me.  And I have a notation in my record from an Academy psychologist that says: ÔCadet Chapel may not be fleet material and I recommend her commission with reservations.ÕÓ

 

ÒHow do you know that?  Psyche records are sealed.Ó  He was grinning.

 

She shrugged.  ÒMaybe not if you work in medical.  At any rate, I can see it but I canÕt do anything about it.  ItÕs there.Ó  She looked down, and this time her face was red.

 

ÒActually, itÕs not.Ó  He smiled as she looked up at him.  ÒI saw that in there when I was trying to figure out what was going on with you and Gaila.Ó  At her look, he held up a hand.  ÒBefore you tear me a new one, listen to what I have to say.  IÕve also seen you at work.  IÕve talked to Bones about you—not about Gaila or anything else personal, about your work.  I donÕt happen to agree with whoever wrote that footnote.  So, I decided to use my powers for good this time.  ItÕs gone.Ó

 

ÒYou erased it?Ó

 

ÒI did.  Pfffffft, itÕs gone.  Magic.Ó  He took a sip of his drink.  ÒWhy do you think the shrink said that?Ó

 

ÒI was angry at Roger when I changed tracks from biochem to nursing.  I didnÕt tell the shrink I thought IÕd probably get my M.D. eventually—I have enough credits practically.  Or maybe IÕll do something else.  IÕm still searching, I think.Ó

 

ÒSo am I,Ó he said with a grin.

 

She laughed.  ÒHe was concerned about my impulse control.Ó

 

ÒWhat have you done thatÕs impulsive?  Other than your little crush and trying to help a friend?Ó

 

ÒWell, thereÕs spilling my guts to you.Ó

 

ÒThatÕs not impulsive.  ThatÕs shared pain.  What else?Ó  He could see she liked the way he accepted and moved on.

 

ÒI donÕt know.  ThatÕs the thing.  ItÕs like he could not get past my early crimes.  I was no saint in rehab—he could see it from the notes in my file.  Some girls wither living like that, but I didnÕt.  I was angry. I was strong.  I didnÕt give a damn if I lived or died.Ó

 

ÒDeadly combo.Ó

 

She nodded.  ÒYou can end up sort of running things if you want it bad enough—if youÕre willing to fight for it.  Alternative management as it were.  That was in my file, too.  They tell you itÕs expunged when you reach maturity, but itÕs not.  Because Starfleet sure could get their hands on it.Ó

 

ÒDid your sister ever come see you?Ó

 

ÒIn that place?  Are you kidding me?  SheÕd have died of embarrassment.  You know her nickname, right?  Number One.  Hell, itÕs her name now.  I think a handful of people know her real name anymore.  I was the family fuck-up.  Worse than dad, even.  He at least kept his crimes in house.Ó

 

ÒAnd thatÕs why youÕre so hell bent on helping Gaila.  Because no one ever helped you.Ó

 

She was about to protest, but stopped, seemed to be thinking about it and he liked her for that—liked her better.  He was already liking her quite a bit as it was.

 

ÒMaybe youÕre right.  Do you think thatÕs wrong?Ó

 

ÒDo you think youÕre helping her?Ó

 

ÒI do.Ó  She smiled, and it was a softly beautiful smile he didnÕt expect.  ÒYour project is helping her, too.  ItÕs more than just a distraction.  SheÕs having fun and sheÕs good at it.Ó

 

ÒI know she is.Ó

 

ÒYouÕre a good man.Ó

 

ÒDonÕt spread it around.Ó  He realized he was still rubbing her neck—had he been doing that the whole time?  He slowly pulled his hand away.  ÒIf you ever need to talk.  About anything.  Even non serious things.  Or you just want to drink.  Or dance.  Or even breathe in my vicinity.  IÕm very open to that.Ó

 

She smiled.  ÒIÕve heard youÕre easy.Ó

 

He squinted as if sheÕd hurt him but then grinned to let her know she hadnÕt.  ÒIÕm easy to get into bed with—although less so on this ship.  IÕm finding it awkward to be quite so...available here.  But IÕve never been easy to get to know and if you polled the women whoÕve slept with me—and you have my permission to do that, by the way—youÕd find they know very, very little about me.  And that you already know much, much more.Ó

 

ÒI think youÕd find the same about me.  Only without the easy to get into bed part.Ó

 

He leaned in, let his lips linger at her ear.  ÒThat just makes it better.Ó  Then he got up.  ÒThank you for a very enlightening evening.Ó

 

ÒThank you for listening.Ó

 

ÒAnytime.Ó

 

##

 

Gaila woke up, curled around Christine.  She checked for bruises before Christine woke up, found very few and let out the breath sheÕd been holding.  Last night had felt...different.  For one, sheÕd spent some of the time talking about the project she was working on for Jim and Mister Scott.  And then sheÕd been surprised when Christine had let some things slip, that her father had been mean.  That she understood what it felt like to be locked up, to be not free.

 

Gaila had felt something tear loose inside her, but in a good way. Like the feeling of apartness, of being the only one, was gone.  Maybe others werenÕt as perfect as they seemed?  Maybe they hid their damage differently than she did.

 

Christine sighed softly and Gaila kissed her on the lips.  SheÕd welcome this woman as her lover but didnÕt need her to be.  But she liked the easy contact, appreciated that Christine was willing to give her that—the same way her mother had.  ÒGood morning, sleepyhead.Ó

 

ÒChrist, what time is it?  IÕm always awake before you.Ó

 

ÒThatÕs because youÕre usually in pain.  Look, hardly any bruises.Ó

 

Christine inspected her arms and gave Gaila a brilliant smile.  ÒThese wonÕt even show if I wear my three quarter sleeves.  IÕm starving.  Are you starving?Ó

 

Gaila nodded eagerly.  Happy that Christine was in such a great mood.  Normally, she was in a hurry to get away, to get cleaned up.  To hide the evidence of their night.

 

She hit her shower while Christine went to her quarters.  They met a few minutes later in the corridor and chatted easily as they walked to the mess.  There was no line and Gaila saw Christine wave at someone, realized it was Jim and that Christine wanted them to go sit with him.

 

She grabbed her friendÕs elbow.  ÒIÕve slept with him,Ó she said as softly as she could.

 

ÒActually, you had sex with him, youÕve slept with me,Ó Christine murmured back. 

 

ÒWell, true.Ó  Gaila pouted, a look that usually got her what she wanted.  Nothing.  ÒBut you like him, and he likes you.Ó

 

ÒOh, shut up and be brave.  WeÕre friends, the three of us.  No matter who likes whom any other way.Ó  Christine had her ÒQueen of the BrothelÓ look on, and Gaila wondered if she knew how intimidating she was when she was like that.  Or how much someone like Gaila wanted to follow her when she wore it.  How safe Gaila felt with her—like nothing could hurt her.

 

She led Gaila over to JimÕs table.  ÒExpecting an exotic alien princess or may we join you?Ó

 

ÒWell, I was expecting one, but sheÕs damned late, so sheÕs on her own.  Please?Ó 

 

Christine sat next to him.  Gaila chose the seat across, then immediately wondered if the one next to him would have been better.  No, she was here with Christine.  Not with Jim—err, the captain. 

 

ÒHowÕs the project coming, Gai  His grin was easy, still the cadet in some ways but also a bit older around the eyes.  Like becoming captain had aged him even if he seemed to love it.

 

ÒThank you so much for letting me do this, sir.Ó

 

ÒGai, I think you can all me Jim, when weÕre alone.  God knows weÕve got the history.Ó

 

And in that moment, she loved him for how easily he set to rest their past, his betrayal and the present.  ÒJim.Ó She smiled.  ÒWell, itÕs going great, so thank you.Ó

 

Christine was beaming at her.

 

ÒAnd you, Chris.  How is my favorite nurse today?Ó

 

ÒIÕm the only nurse you know.Ó

 

ÒThatÕs not true,Ó Gaila said.  ÒHe slept with Betty Suzanne and Mariella

 

Two sets of blue eyes turned to glare at her. 

 

She gave them her most charming smile.  ÒNot the right thing to say?Ó

 

ÒLetÕs clear that up a little, shall we?  When did I do that?Ó  He was looking at her very intently and she tried to read what he wanted from her.  Then she looked at Christine, who was also very intent.

 

ÒOhhhh, before.  Before you got the ship.  At the Academy.  When you were still a big man slut.Ó  She smiled at Christine.  ÒHeÕs not now.Ó

 

Christine started to laugh.  It took a moment but finally Jim started to laugh, too.

 

ÒWell, IÕm glad we cleared that up.Ó  Jim started to tuck into his eggs.

 

Gaila pulled Christine over to her, whispered in her ear, ÒFor what itÕs worth, he never came up with a special name for anyone that I know of.  And you donÕt ever let anyone call you Chris.  You told me not to.Ó

 

Christine just smiled.

 

ÒWhat?  What is she saying to you?Ó

 

ÒSomething good.  Just shut up and eat.Ó  The look Christine gave Jim was a sweet one. 


Gaila smiled.  She smiled even more when Nyota and Spock came in and neither Jim nor Christine seemed to even notice.

 

##

 

Chapel woke up to Gaila thrashing in her arms, crying out so softly she couldnÕt make out the words.

 

ÒWake up, Gai.  YouÕre safe.Ó  She felt GailaÕs fingerÕs pressing down hard on her hands, then an unexpected release as her friend turned and burrowed against her, sobbing.  In all the time sheÕd been helping Gaila, sheÕd never known her to cry.  ÒBaby, baby, itÕs all right.Ó

 

ÒYouÕre so strong,Ó Gaila said between almost hiccupping sobs.  ÒYou remind me of her so much.  I know I should go to the counselor, but you remind me of her so much.Ó

 

ÒWho.Ó

 

ÒMy mother.  She kept me safe.  You keep me safe.  I donÕt think you even know you do it, but you do.Ó  She went back to crying, clutching Chapel, but not hard, not hurting her at all.  ÒI love you.  And I donÕt mean that the way I say it to the men.  And I donÕt mean IÕm in love with you.  I just mean I love you.  IÕm glad youÕre in my life.  IÕve never really had a friend before.Ó

 

ÒNyotaÕs your friend, Gaila.  And Chekov and Uhura.Ó

 

ÒNo, theyÕre my peers.  And Nyota was my...pal, I guess?  But they donÕt know me.  Only you.  And maybe Jim, a little.  HeÕs dark, too, isnÕt he?Ó

 

Chapel hesitated, but then she nodded.  ÒYes, heÕs dark, too.Ó  She imagined Leonard had his darker side, too, if sheÕd bother to let him in, which so far she hadnÕt.  But sheÕd had a taste of being involved with her boss and wasnÕt eager to do it again.

 

Of course one could argue that her friendship—or whatever was happening with Jim—was just trading one type of boss for an even bigger one.  But Jim was different.  Jim was...familiar territory.  Another wounded soul.

 

Dark.

 

ÒWhat were you dreaming about?Ó she asked gently.

 

Gaila took a deep, shuddering breath.  ÒMy first time.Ó

 

ÒIt was bad?Ó

 

Gaila laughed, a laugh so profoundly bitter, it sent chills down ChapelÕs spine.  ÒNo, itÕs worse.  ItÕs...Ó  She pulled away, played with ChapelÕs hair, something that always seemed to calm her.  ÒWeÕre supposed to be luscious, sensuous.  They donÕt want us damaged.  They donÕt want us scared.  They bring the best of the best of the men, and they feed us drugs to make us pliable and aroused.  And they give us pleasure.  And make us ready for our lives as the whores of the galaxy.Ó  Her fingers caught in ChapelÕs hair.

 

Chapel didnÕt cry out, and a moment later, Gaila let go without being prompted.  ÒWhen I first got here, at the Academy, I was still acting like I was a whore.Ó

 

ÒYou were free with your body.  ThereÕs a difference.Ó

 

ÒNo, Christine.  Now, IÕm free with my body.  Then...I was still that Gaila.  The slave.Ó  She cuddled around Chapel.  ÒDonÕt let them tell you that freedom is a mantle you assume.  ItÕs not.  ItÕs a weight, too.  Just as heavy as the slave chains.  Just as difficult to learn to navigate under if slavery is all youÕve known.Ó

 

Chapel hugged her close, kissed her neck.  ÒWhen I was first at the Academy, an upperclassman took a dislike to me.  Made my life a living hell.  IÕve told you a little bit about my father.  How much I hate him and what he did to me.  But Gaila, I wanted to attack this upperclassman.  If IÕd been at the rehab center, I would have gone after her—and I would have won.  I went to see one of the counselors about it.  Told him she was bullying me, what a hard time I was having not retaliating.  He told me I needed to grow a thicker skin.  Told me he was worried that I considered violence as an option.  But I hadnÕt reached for it, didnÕt want to be like my dad, and the counselor didnÕt seem to get it.Ó 

 

This was the same psychologist who had put his reservations about her in her record.  Reservations Jim had now expunged.

 

ÒSo I understand what youÕre saying, Gai.  We may long for what we donÕt have.  But the way we grew up: itÕs inside us.  ItÕs what we are and we have to work to not let it define us.Ó

 

Gaila kissed her again.  ÒYou do understand.Ó  She began to hum a song, and Chapel imagined it was a lullaby GailaÕs mother must have sung to her.  ÒGo to sleep, Christine.  Dream of Jim.  I think he might love you.Ó

 

ÒHe loves everyone.Ó

 

ÒNo, he doesnÕt.  And you know it.Ó

 

##

 

Kirk sat next to Spock, wondering if the discussions with the Horvathian delegation were ever going to end.  Their main interlocutor had the charisma of a Rhodilian sea snail.  Even Spock looked bored and Kirk had to work to hide a grin.

 

Finally the talk wrapped up, with neither side having come any closer to a decision on Federation use rights of the Horvathian satellites, but plenty of time had been used up to come to that state.  The Horvathians seemed satisfied.

 

ÒMore progress should be made tomorrow,Ó Spock said softly as the other delegation filed out.

 

ÒIs that a prediction or a plea to some deity?Ó

 

Spock seemed too tired to try to hide the slight tick of his lips.  ÒThe former.Ó

 

ÒGreat.Ó  He leaned back, studied the conference room theyÕd been stuck in all day.  ÒSupposed to be some good restaurants on this Star Base.Ó

 

ÒSo I have been told.Ó

 

ÒDouble date?  You and the fair Nyota?  Me and Chris?Ó

 

ÒYou are seeing Nurse Chapel?Ó

 

ÒYou have a problem with that, my friend?Ó

 

ÒOn the contrary.  Her command of the sciences is impressive.  She is wasted in sickbay.Ó

 

ÒDonÕt let Bones hear you say that.Ó  Kirk laughed.  ÒOh, wait, you said that to him last week.Ó

 

ÒI did.  Just after he called me a racially inappropriate name.  Must he do that?Ó

 

ÒI could call him on the carpet if you want?Ó

 

ÒIt is your duty as captain and leader to provide a workplace free of intolerance.Ó

 

ÒDoes this mean weÕre not double dating?Ó  He held a hand up.  ÒIÕll talk to Bones.  Ixnay on the green skin and pointy eared comments.  Racially insensitive.  YouÕre completely correct, Spock.  IÕve been derelict in my duties.  Now, call Nyota and get her down here and IÕll call Chris.Ó

 

He walked far enough to give Spock privacy and pulled out his communicator. ÒKirk to Chapel.Ó

 

ÒChapel here.Ó

 

ÒGot dinner plans?Ó

 

ÒNothing I canÕt jettison.Ó

 

ÒJoin me and Spock and probably Nyota down here on the Star Base?Ó

 

ÒThat sounds scarily official.Ó

 

ÒI know, doesnÕt it?  I was thinking of food. And then eating it.  And then who I would want to eat it with. And then you came to mind.  You and no one else.Ó

 

ÒExcept Spock and Nyota

 

ÒWell, Spock was here and heÕs gonna have to bring his own woman.Ó

 

She laughed.  ÒIÕll be right down.Ó

 

ÒWeÕre in conference room thirty-nine.  See you soon.Ó

 

He turned, saw that Spock was still talking to Uhura.  Marveled that it took a Vulcan longer to convey dinner plans to an established girlfriend than it had two humans who were still getting to know each other.  Then again, he and Chris had covered a lot of ground that night in the rec lounge.  Navigated a lot of minefields that would have blown up most people.

 

She really was right down.  She smiled as she came through the door, bumped up against him easily, frowned as she looked at Spock.  ÒIs he talking to Nyota

 

Kirk nodded. 

 

ÒDid he start the call way after you?Ó

 

He shook his head.

 

ÒWow, high maintenance or what?Ó

 

He started to laugh—it was exactly what he had been thinking.  A moment later, Spock cut the connection.  He took a deep breath, then said, ÒShe will be down momentarily.Ó

 

ÒDefine that,Ó Chris murmured.

 

Momentarily was about ten minutes.  Uhura seemed to have taken the time to change out of her uniform—Chris had not—and her hair was loose.  Kirk shot Chris a look to see what she thought of all that; her expression was impossible to read. 

 

Turning to him, Chris put her arm through his, gave him a brilliant smile, and said, ÒSo where are we eating, Jim?  IÕm starved.Ó 

 

And just like that, all the attention was back on him, and by extension her.  Nicely played.  He could see this was going to be one hell of an interesting evening.

 

##

 

Gaila was eating lunch with Christine when Nyota came over and stood at their table, her tray held almost defensively.  ÒHi,Ó Gaila said. ÒSit.Ó

 

Nyota turned to Christine, who shot her a puzzled looked then nodded.  ÒTake a load off.Ó

 

Something changed in NyotaÕs expression, but she sat, moved her tray in a little.  ÒI just...I wanted to apologize about yesterday.  I should have just come down.  Not changed clothes.Ó

 

ÒNo, you were smart.  You looked so much more comfortable.  I should have thought of that.Ó  She leaned forward.  ÒI mean when Jim said come now, I just...well, hurried on down.Ó

 

ÒWell, itÕs still new for you.Ó

 

ÒItÕs not that new.Ó

 

Gaila watched in fascination.  They were like two jungle cats circling, taking test swipes.  She wasnÕt entirely sure what they were talking about—neither of them talked to her about the other; she gave them credit for that.

 

Christine went back to eating.  Gaila wondered what Nyota would do.  In the brothel, only the strong ate when threatened. 

 

Christine looked over her sandwich at Nyota.  ÒSomething wrong?Ó

 

ÒIÕm not sure I like you.Ó

 

ÒWell, IÕm not sure I like you, either.Ó  She glanced at Gai.  ÒBut weÕre both friends of Gaila.  And our boys are tight.  So maybe we should try to get along.Ó

 

ÒYouÕre not what you seem,Ó Nyota said, leaning in, still not eating.  ÒEveryone thinks youÕre this sweet nurse.  I hear them saying it.  Christine in sickbay is so nice.  Is that you theyÕre talking about?Ó

 

Christine shrugged.  ÒWe all wear masks.  Some of us do it better than others.Ó

 

ÒSheÕs smart, Ny.  And sheÕs tough.Ó  Gaila touched NyotaÕs arm.  A conciliatory stroke, the way a lesser girl would have done in the brothel, meant to bring peace, calm another down.  ÒBut she can be your friend.  SheÕs my friend.  And youÕre my friend.  You can be each otherÕs friends, too.Ó

 

ÒIÕm not sure thatÕs going to happen.Ó  Christine smiled gently at Gaila.  ÒJust because we love you doesnÕt mean weÕll love each other.Ó


NyotaÕs look seemed to soften.  ÒYou speak so easily of loving her.  That makes me like you.  Gaila deserves loyal friends.Ó

 

Gaila smiled and dug into her salad. 

 

ÒYes.  She does deserve loyal friends.  On that, we are agreed.Ó

 

Nyota finally started to eat.  She kept her eyes on Christine as she did it, but she ate.

 

##

 

Kirk waylaid Chris in the corridors.  ÒDo you know whatÕs happening tonight?Ó

 

She shook her head.

 

He smiled.  ÒAbsolutely nothing.  No delegations.  No visiting brass.  No parties.  Nothing.  Come to my quarters?Ó

 

ÒNow?Ó

 

He nodded.  ÒI may have food in there for us.  And a nice bed.  Clean sheets.Ó

 

ÒTaking an awful lot for granted, arenÕt you?Ó

 

ÒWeÕve waited a long time.  IÕm tired of waiting.  ArenÕt you?Ó

 

ÒIs this a personal best for how long youÕve waited?Ó

 

ÒOh, hell, yes.Ó

 

She smiled.  ÒThen letÕs go to your quarters.Ó

 

He smiled and looped his arm around her shoulders.  ÒHave I told you how much I like you?Ó

 

ÒLike?Ó

 

ÒWell, IÕm crazy about you, too.  This may, in fact, be love.  But itÕs more than that.  I like you.  I want to tell you about my day when my day is over.  I think about you and it makes me happy.  YouÕre not just some girl I want to be with and then leave.Ó  He squeezed her arm.  ÒI donÕt think IÕve ever really liked a girl before.Ó

 

She leaned her head against his shoulder.  ÒThen like is good.Ó

 

ÒOh, like is great.Ó  He palmed his door open.  ÒBut before we eat, you need to meet someone.Ó

 

ÒIn here?Ó

 

He walked them over to the comm unit, kissed her quickly, and then got his grandmother on the comm.

 

ÒJames.Ó  Her smile was wide.  ÒAnd whoÕs this?Ó

 

ÒThis is Chris.  I thought youÕd like to meet her.Ó  He smiled at Chris.  ÒChris, this is my grandmother.Ó

 

ÒYou can call me Millie, dear.  Or Gram, like he does.Ó

 

Chris was smiling broadly, her eyes suspiciously bright.  ÒIÕd be pleased to call you Gram.Ó


ÒWell, thatÕs just fine, then.  And is my boy sweet on you?Ó

 

ÒI guess he is.Ó

 

ÒWell, thatÕs even better.  DonÕt let him take you for granted.  Kirk men will do that.Ó

 

ÒNo, maÕam.Ó 


ÒGram, donÕt go filling her head with nonsense.  Anyway, IÕll call you tomorrow for our regular talk. I just wanted you to meet Chris.  You know, see what you thought of her.Ó  He winced as Chris elbowed him.

 

ÒI think she must be a saint to put up with you, dear.Ó  She winked at Chris.  ÒNow, go have fun, you two.  IÕve got to go and play tile rummy with the girls next door.  I love you, James.Ó

 

ÒLove you, Gram.Ó  He cut the connection then turned to Chris.  ÒThatÕs my home.  ThatÕs who raised me.  ThatÕs who matters in my life.  And IÕve never ever brought a girl to meet her.  In person or by comm.Ó

 

Chris pulled him in for a kiss.  ÒI love you, Jim Kirk.Ó

 

ÒI love you, too.Ó  He kissed her again, then pulled away.  ÒDid you want to eat?Ó

 

She started to pull off his uniform.  ÒFood can wait.Ó

 

HeÕd picked out food that could definitely wait.  ÒOfficer thinking, Ms. Chapel.Ó

 

##

 

Gaila sat at a picnic table working on the project Jim and Mister Scott had given her.  She looked out where the others were playing on the beach.  Nyota was in the water with Christine and Jim and Sulu, playing a game of keep away.  Nyota and Christine had forged some strange kind of dŽtente.  Gaila wasnÕt sure theyÕd ever be friends, but they were trying and she knew it was for her sake and for the sake of their men.  Spock was up on the ship, preferring to let others soak up shore leave sun, but Gaila knew heÕd join Nyota later that night.

 

She saw Chekov lounging on an air mattress, his pale skin glowing a bright red.  SheÕd told him to put on some sunscreen, but heÕd just laughed and headed out for the open water.

 

She heard footsteps behind her, turned and saw Mister Scott.  He sat next to her, asked softly, ÒMay I?Ó and when she nodded, studied the padd she was working on. 

 

A few minutes later, he looked up and a big beaming smile broke out.  ÒMother of God, girl.  This is first rate.Ó

 

She grinned.

 

ÒI canÕt wait to try this out.  Do you think we can convince the captain?Ó

 

ÒIÕll ask Christine to ask him for us.Ó

 

ÒOh, aye, thatÕll do it.Ó  He smiled happily.  ÒCan I ask you something, Gaila?Ó

 

She nodded.

 

ÒWhy arenÕt you out there having fun?Ó

 

ÒWhy arenÕt you?Ó

 

He thought about that.  ÒI donÕt really know how to have fun.  I know how to drink.  And I know how to be an engineer.  Well, and I know how to love a woman, but I donÕt do that very often.Ó

 

ÒWhy not?Ó

 

ÒBecause a woman expects a man to show her some fun now and then.  More now than then, to be honest.  And things peter out when you canÕt.Ó

 

She laughed.  ÒI donÕt know how to have fun, either.Ó

 

ÒI have trouble believing that.Ó

 

ÒItÕs true.  I was raised to give pleasure.  Not fun.Ó 

 

He narrowed his eyes, and she could tell he was thinking about the difference.


And she realized he was the first person sheÕd ever said that to—other than Christine or another Orion—and this time sheÕd said it with no bitterness.  Like it was in the past.  Really in the past.

 

ÒI can see how thatÕs a problem.  Are you good at geometry?Ó

 

ÒRelatively.Ó

 

ÒDo you play pool?Ó

 

ÒI tried.  All the men looked down my shirt and up my skirt.Ó

 

He looked at her like she was very silly.  ÒWell, that was because you used to wear such low cut shirts and short skirts.  But you donÕt anymore.Ó

 

ÒYou noticed?Ó

 

ÒI notice all kinds of things about all kinds of people.  I just keep most of it to myself.Ó  He grinned.  ÒNow, you want to learn the finer points of nine ball?Ó

 

ÒWill it be fun?Ó

 

ÒI think it might.Ó  He made a face like Òimagine that?Ó

 

She giggled.  Then she did it again.  It was a sound she hadnÕt made since she was a child.  A real sound of amusement.  Not the sound of a courtesan. 

 

The sound of the child she never got to be.

 

ÒLetÕs go have fun,Ó she said and followed Mister Scott off to what turned out to be a dark hole in the wall filled with curmudgeons who didnÕt seem to care one whit that a gorgeous young Orion girl was in their midst, but were full of tips on how to hit the balls around the table.

 

It was the most refreshing feeling in the world.

 

And nine ball was fun.  She beat him about half the time.  She wasnÕt sure if he looked happier when he won or when she did.

 

##

 

Chapel saw Uhura sitting alone in the surf.  Spock was somewhere on the ship, would be down probably later but wasnÕt here now.  With a kiss for a drowsing Jim, she got up and walked over to the water, plopping down next to Uhura.  ÒYou looked like you could use some company.Ó

 

ÒIf youÕre feeling sorry for me, then—Ó

 

She held up a hand.  ÒLook.  IÕm a bitch because I had a shitty childhood and an even shittier adolescence.  I learned that to survive, you had to be tough.  And I learned it around girls.  And I brought it with me to the Academy.  And girls like you, girls who are smart and pretty and have it all, you bring out the worst.Ó

 

Uhura turned and stared at her.

 

ÒWhat?Ó

 

ÒYou think I have it all?Ó  She laughed softly.  ÒWhy do you think I wanted to look good that night?  It wasnÕt for Spock and Jim.  It was because you were going to be there.  Smart.  Blonde.  Mysterious past.  Scary as hell unless weÕre talking to one of the many people who swear youÕre the angel of sickbay.Ó

 

Chapel laughed.  ÒMy fans.  Caught me on a good day, I guess.Ó

 

ÒAnd Gaila loves you.  In a way she never loved me.  I guess...I guess IÕm jealous.Ó

 

ÒShe loves me because IÕm like her.  Damaged.Ó  Chapel drew a series of crossed swords in the sand.  ÒI used to have that carved into my arm.  Six swords.  Six girls I took down to get to the top.Ó

 

ÒTook down.  You mean...?Ó

 

ÒNot killed.  Just...deposed.  Made inconsequential.Ó


ÒWhere?Ó

 

Chapel met her eyes.  ÒIn a rehab facility.  Like I said.  Shitty, shitty past.Ó

 

Uhura touched her arm.  Touched it right where the swords used to sit, even though there was no scar left.  ÒWho carved it in you?Ó

 

ÒI did.Ó  She closed her eyes.  ÒGaila doesnÕt love me more than you.  She just knows I understand her better.  I understand her world better because IÕve lived in something like it.  A place where status meant everything.Ó

 

ÒIÕm sorry.Ó

 

ÒItÕs ironic.  IÕve been helping her learn to let go.  And yet, I canÕt.  YouÕre the kind of girl IÕd have had to depose.  But that would have happened there, and I donÕt live there anymore.  I havenÕt lived there for a very long time.  But the more I help Gaila the more it comes out.  That old Christine.  The one I didnÕt want to be.Ó  She turned.  ÒSo IÕm sorry.  No more alpha crap from me.Ó

 

ÒI can be a bitch, too.  I have this need to excel.  I canÕt stop pushing.  And when I run into someone like you, someone whoÕll actually give me a run for my money.  IÕm not sure I know what to do.Ó

 

Chapel laughed.  ÒThe jokeÕs going to be on both of us.  GailaÕs going to leave us in the dust.Ó

 

ÒYouÕre probably right.Ó

 

ÒI do love her.  I canÕt imagine her life.  And that she came out of it so well.  SheÕs so...innocent for all that they tried to destroy that innocence.Ó

 

ÒI know,Ó Uhura said.  ÒItÕs why I love her, too.Ó

 

Chapel started to get up.

 

Uhura pulled her back down.  ÒStay.  I do need company.Ó

 

ÒEven if itÕs me?Ó

 

ÒEspecially if itÕs you.Ó

 

Uhura leaned in for a moment.  ÒI love Spock.  But heÕs not fun sometimes.Ó

 

ÒJimÕs fun.Ó  She looked over at the beach towel under the umbrella where he was safely sleeping in the shade.  ÒWhen heÕs awake.Ó

 

Uhura started to smile.  ÒDo you like to shop?Ó

 

ÒI love to shop.Ó

 

ÒGaila hates to shop.Ó

 

ÒI know.  It is her one big flaw.Ó

 

They shared a smile.  Then rose as one, and pulled their cover-ups and some sandals on.  Grabbing their bags, they headed into town, where all the lovely shops waited just for them.

 

FIN