DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters
are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are
the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2002 by Djinn. Apologies to
Like We Never Had A
Broken Heart
by Djinn
The corridors of Starfleet
Command seemed to be filled with impossibly young officers smiling, laughing, calling
out to each other, and all hurrying to a future as yet undefined. Kirk locked his office and refused to believe
that this assignment that he detested but would return to tomorrow was the
future he had worked so hard for.
His future could not be this
bleak and lonely, could not be this boring.
He had lived by his wits, snatching victory out of certain defeat for
too long to abide this kind of bureaucratic hell. McCoy had warned him not to take a desk
job. But he had been too tired to
listen. Too tired and too full of hopes
for the future he was going to build. A
future in which he would not be alone.
He looked up and saw a
familiar figure approaching. Jet black
hair, lean frame, elegant pointed ears.
He almost called out but bit the words back at the last moment. Not Spock, his mind told his now thumping
heart. Not Spock. Spock had gone. Forever.
Left Earth, Starfleet, and Kirk behind.
All to purge his emotions on the hot sands of Vulcan at a place named
Gol. Kirk hated that place, almost hated
Spock. Couldn't quite bring himself to
commit to that emotion, unwilling to accept the finality of it. Better to think the Vulcan would come
back...someday...to him.
"David!" The shout brought him up short as he turned
slowly and scanned the hallways. Someone
edged by him, knocking him slightly as he passed. He saw a blur of curly blond hair as the teen
rushed away from him and toward the blonde woman waiting with her hands on her
hips at the end of the hall. Kirk
swallowed hard, hand already reaching out as if he could capture the boy, but
he was gone.
Carol Marcus regarded Kirk
for a moment, their eyes locking in the battle of wills that he always thought
one day she must grow tired of. He knew
he had. Wanted simply to put aside the differences
that the years had only made more stark and try to find some way to be in his
son's life. But Carol showed no signs of
wearying. There was no welcome in her
cold eyes, as she wrapped her arm around their son's shoulder and drew him
away. David didn't even notice Kirk
standing there.
My son. Kirk sighed as he tried to force his feet to
turn and move on. But all he could do
was stand and stare until the object of his gaze disappeared around a corner. He took a deep breath and turned quickly,
trying to spur himself into some sort of action that would resurrect the old
James T. Kirk, the one that he had enjoyed being. The one that didn't accept defeat, didn't
know the meaning of surrender.
Had he really been that man?
"Admiral?" A soft voice--familiar and welcoming--made
him turn.
He almost didn't recognize
her with dark hair. "Chapel?"
She nodded and smiled. He grinned back and wondered how long had it
been since he'd used any expression other than the tight smile he sported so
often lately. It felt good to really
smile.
"I'd heard you
graduated," he said.
"I did, Admiral. It's Doctor Chapel now."
He frowned. "Call me Jim."
She looked
uncomfortable. "Sir?"
"Chris," he watched
her react to the name, realized she liked it.
"Call me Jim. Enough people
I don't like call me Admiral."
"Okay, Jim." She smiled shyly and he felt a rush of
nostalgia at the expression. How many
times had he seen that look when he'd been in sickbay to check on an injured
crewman, or just as often had woken up there himself to find her checking on
him? She had been a calm presence, one
that it had been easy to take for granted.
"I thought I'd heard you
were back," she said.
He nodded. "Several years now. Desk job.
Grounded." He shrugged.
She frowned.
"Voluntarily." He shook his head. "Stupidest damn move I ever made."
"I'm sorry."
He shrugged again, a 'what
can you do?' sort of gesture.
She seemed at a loss for
words. "Well, it was nice to see
you--"
He cut her off, ruthlessly
unwilling to endure another long night in his apartment. "Have a drink with me?"
"Sir?"
"Jim," he reminded
her. "Unless you had other
plans?"
"I happen to be
free," she admitted, a lopsided grin making her eyes sparkle.
"Good. Have you been to Royer's?"
"I like it there."
"Yeah, me too."
At the same time they both
said, "It's easy to forget there."
Then they stared at each other uncomfortably. She looked away first.
"I don't want to talk
about him," Kirk said in a rush.
"Good, neither do
I," she answered.
"Then that's
settled." The walk to the pub was
short and he led her to one of the back booths.
When the waiter came up, Kirk said, "Glenlivet. Make it a double."
She looked skeptical.
"She'll have the
same," Kirk said firmly.
"Synthahol is
safer," she said softly after the waiter left. "And less damaging."
"And no fun at
all," he countered. "When was
the last time you had fun, Chris?"
"I've been a little busy
getting my degree."
"So it's been a
while. I rest my case."
The waiter came back with
their drinks and a bowl of snacks. She
began to pick out the sesame sticks, eating them with obvious gusto. He sipped his scotch and watched her.
She looked up, suddenly
conscious of his stare and said, "What?"
"You look good."
She blushed slightly.
"I mean besides the dark
hair, which I really like by the way.
You look...I don't know, more confident, I guess."
She smiled. "I think I am."
"Getting off the
Enterprise was the best thing you could do."
She studied him. "And the worst thing you could do."
He shrugged. "It was time. Ship was in for overhaul. It was extended leave or finally bite the
bullet and move up. No man is an
island."
He saw her frown as if she
didn't follow and he held his hands up in a way that let her know he wasn't
completely sure what he meant either.
Why had he accepted a desk job?
Had he really thought that if he grounded himself for a while, put down
some roots finally, he might get his son back?
He shook his head, laughing quietly in bitter tribute to his own folly.
She watched him closely. "Maybe not an island. But the Enterprise was our own little
world...one that you made for us."
She took a sip of her scotch, smiled slightly in appreciation. Then she held out her glass. "We're doing this all in the wrong
order. Cheers, Jim."
He clinked his glass against
her. "Cheers, Chris." At her look, he asked, "Do you mind
being called that? Christine seems so
formal. Chris just seems to suit
you."
"I like it," she
replied.
"Why didn't I call you
that before?"
"You never called me
much of anything before, Jim." She
met his startled look with an expression that clearly said she wouldn't believe
any argument he tried to put out there.
"But that's all right. There
wasn't much reason for you to. It was
always the three of you. Or the two of
you. No room for me there. What would you need me for when you had him
for a--" she seemed to choose her words carefully, as if she were
navigating a verbal minefield "--best friend." She regarded him carefully, appeared to be
waiting for him to correct her, to say that Spock was more.
And Spock had been more. He'd been everything. Kirk wanted to say it, almost did, but...what
was the point? She didn't want to know, it
was clear. Let her suspect, let her
think that they were just friends. What
difference did it make now? He looked
away. Threw back his drink. "We said we weren't going to talk about
him."
She drained her own
drink. "Yeah, we did." She signaled for the waiter. "Bring the bottle this time," she
told him.
Kirk looked at her in
surprise.
She ignored him, just took
the bottle from the waiter and poured them both refills. "Salud," she said, taking a deep
swallow.
"Chin chin." He followed suit. The scotch burned down his throat, leaving
him feeling warm and slightly buzzed. He
leaned back and studied her again. "So
what's next for you?"
"I'm finishing up my
residency. Then I look for an
assignment." She took another
sip. "Have you seen McCoy?"
Kirk looked down. "He's not very happy with me right
now."
"Because you took this
assignment?"
He nodded. "That's part of it. I wouldn't listen to him."
"That's not fair of
him. You were just trying to do what you
thought was right."
He threw back the
scotch. She poured him another glass
without a word. "I guess," he
finally said. "There were...other
things." He could feel his face
tighten.
She sighed. "We can't not talk about him, can
we?"
"We can if you'd stop
bringing him up." His tone was
angrier than he meant it to be.
She didn't look away, just
drained her glass and poured herself another.
"He wasn't my--" again she stumbled over the words
"--best friend. Maybe I'm not in
denial."
"Maybe you don't need to
be."
She winced. "Touché, Jim. I never really had a chance with him so why
act like I have a right to miss him, is that what you're saying?"
"I'm sorry." He looked her in the eye; saw that she was as
angry as he was. "I know you loved
him."
"I know you did
too." She blinked a few times, then
took a long sip of her drink. "At
least he loved you."
He sighed heavily. Realized his slight buzz had turned into a
much stronger one. "Look at the
good it did me. Do you see him anywhere? Is he here?
My 'best friend'." The words
were bitter in his mouth.
"Why did he leave?"
He shook his head
miserably. "I don't know."
"I thought you
would."
"No idea."
"He went back to Vulcan
though?"
Kirk nodded.
"To Gol?"
He nodded again.
"Why?"
He shrugged.
"Isn't that where you go
to burn away emotions?"
Kirk sighed. "That's what they tell me."
"I don't
understand."
"You're not the only
one. Do you think we could possibly talk
about something else?" He gestured a
bit wildly, knocking his drink slightly so some of it spilled onto the
table. "Something happy, for god's
sake."
"Okay."
A long silence fell, the only
sound the splash of scotch hitting the glass as he refilled their drinks.
Finally, she said, "Have
you seen Janice?"
He nodded, remembering how
proud he'd felt when Rand had told him that she was going to be transporter
chief on the Enterprise. "She's
done well for herself."
"You helped. You took her seriously." She smiled.
"That's important. You made
a huge difference in all our lives. You
know that, don't you?" As she
spoke, she played with the small puddle of spilled scotch, making abstract
designs before she absently brought her finger to her lips.
He found himself staring as
she sucked the scotch from her skin. Her
eyes met his and she froze.
"I like to think I made
a difference," he said as he reached over and dipped his finger where she
had been playing, slowly bringing it up to his own lips. "Mmm.
Tastes better this way."
She stared at him and he felt
the air between them become charged.
"Tastes even better this
way," she said as she dipped her finger into the scotch in her glass and
held it out to him.
He leaned in slowly, his
tongue licking the warm liquid from her skin before he closed his mouth around
her finger. He heard her gasp as he
sucked gently. Smiling, he released her
finger, then dipped his own into his scotch and held it out to her. "You're right. You should try."
When her lips closed around
his finger, he felt an electric shock rocket up his spine. She pulled back and he stared at her. She didn't look away and he saw fire in her
eyes. He looked over at the bottle of
scotch, knowing intellectually that it had lowered his defenses and hers. "I should get home," he said.
"Okay," she agreed,
sliding unsteadily out of the booth.
"I'll walk you there."
He found himself
grinning. "You will, huh?"
She nodded. "It's on my way." She unconsciously licked her lips.
He stared at them, suddenly fascinated
with the idea of what the scotch would taste like on her mouth. He grabbed the bottle and handed it to the
waiter. "We'll take it with
us."
The waiter took it behind the
bar for a minute then met them at the door, the scotch now hidden in a discreet
bag, which Kirk tucked under his arm while he gave the man his credit id. "Let's go then," he said, holding
out his other arm to her.
She took it and pressed in
close against him. "It's the booze,
you know," she said matter-of-factly.
"We wouldn't be doing this otherwise."
"What is it we're
doing?" He grinned at her as she
laughed.
"You know exactly what
we're doing." She leaned in, her
breath warm in his ear as she said, "I want you."
"Then we're even,"
he said as he led her up the hill to his apartment.
As he was about to lead her
inside, she stopped him. "I know
you just want to forget. I'm okay with
that."
He nodded. "Maybe we'll both forget."
She followed him in without a
word, watched as he grabbed two glasses from the bar before leading her into
the bedroom. He set the bottle on a low
chest of drawers and unscrewed it carefully, splashing scotch into the
glasses. Then he turned, regarded her as
she stood across the room from him, hovering in the doorway as if suddenly
unsure. "Come here," he said.
She moved slowly, dragging
the moment out in what turned quickly from uncertainty to teasing. He felt a rush of desire and reached out for
her, pulling her to him roughly. "I
said--" he ran his finger through the scotch then painted it on her lips
"--come here." He saw her eyes
dilate as he touched her, felt her shiver against him. He put his hand around her neck and drew her
to him, heard her moan as he licked the scotch off her lips. Heard another sound and realized it was his
own groan of desire as her tongue met his.
Crushing her against him, his
mouth devouring hers, he felt her respond, felt her hands come up and swiftly
begin to unfasten his uniform. His own
hands were at the fastenings of hers and he pulled it down with a brisk tug as
he felt her draw off his own. Pulling
her to him, he relished the feeling of their skin touching as he kissed her
again and again. She met him fearlessly,
her kisses as rough and desperate as his own, her touches clearly intended to
inflame not soothe.
"Chris," he moaned,
as he pushed her up to sit on the chest.
She wrapped herself around
him, pulling him in, her body welcoming him.
Her fingers on his back, the short nails digging into his skin, urged
him on. He felt a wildness fill him as
his fingers tangled in her hair, pulling her face to his even as he began to
move against her more wildly.
He reached between them,
touching her as he thrust against her.
She moved in her own frantic rhythm, finally shuddering as she called
out his name. He watched her face as she
came back down but never stopped moving against her, finally throwing his own
head back and crying out when his nerve endings exploded. He collapsed against her, felt her arms pull
him against her tightly. She didn't
speak as her hand began to trace patterns across his back, the feather-light
touches making him shiver. He felt her
lips on his neck and pulled back to look at her.
Her face was flushed and he
smoothed the damp hair off her forehead, leaning in to kiss her throat. When he pulled away from her and gave her a
gentle kiss, she looked down and said almost in a whisper, "Do you want me
to go?"
"Do I look like I want
you to go?" he answered as he began to move his hands over her body. "We were in a bit of a rush there. I think I missed some of the sights."
She giggled, a mix of
pleasure and relief, as his lips followed his fingers. He reached over and pulled the bottle of
scotch--miraculously still standing, although the glasses had both taken
headers off the chest--to him. "You
thirsty?" he asked with a grin.
She nodded. "We seem to be out of glasses."
"Not a problem," he
said, as he lifted the bottle to his lips, then pulled her to him for a
kiss. His tongue followed the scotch
into her mouth, and he heard her moan.
As she pulled away and took the bottle from him, he grinned, waiting
until she'd taken a pull before claiming her lips again.
She finally pushed him away,
handing him the bottle as she slid off the chest and steered him toward the
bed. "This is the best scotch I've
ever had," she said devilishly as she took the bottle from him and set it
on his nightstand. "But I've had
enough for now, haven't you?" When
he nodded, she pushed him down and followed him onto the bed. "I just want to forget," she said
as she explored his body. "Make us
both forget."
And that night, in her body,
in her softness, lost in their passion...he did forget everything for a while.
He woke early, realized that
an unfamiliar back was pressed against his chest. He wondered why dark tangled hair was
spilling over his pillow. As the night
before came rushing back, he slowly pulled his arm away and eased himself out
of bed. His head was pounding, his
stomach protesting, and his mouth was dryer than he could remember it having
been in a very long time. He walked
quietly to the bathroom, had to hunt for the antitox. How long had it been since he'd had a
hangover?
He heard a noise and looked
into the bedroom. Chris was up and
pulling on her uniform. Bleary blue eyes
met his and she gave him a pained grin.
"You wouldn't have two of those, would you?"
"You're in luck,"
he said, carrying the pill out to her.
She took it and let it
dissolve under her tongue. "Oh
god. I feel like I'm dying."
"You and me
both."
There was an awkward silence
and she grinned ruefully. "This is
that really awful moment when we realize that all the fun we had last night was
probably a monumentally bad idea."
"Is that what this
is?" He grinned back. "I was wondering."
She laughed. "I had fun."
He realized he had too. Couldn't remember the last time he could say
that.
Her smile grew broader as she
watched him. "I guess you kind of
enjoyed yourself too judging by that look." She leaned in for a quick kiss on the
cheek. "I've got to go."
He wondered if he should stop
her, maybe make her breakfast or suggest they go out. As he watched her finish fastening her
uniform, he realized that he really just wanted her to go. He glanced at her. She seemed eager to be out of there too.
"See ya round," she
said, grimacing. "Does that sound
weak or what?" With a last,
half-embarrassed grin, she hurried out, leaving him to face the day. Alone.
But somehow a good deal less lonely.
---------------------------
Admiral Nogura grinned
broadly at Kirk. "You'll be pleased
to know, Jim, that we took your recommendation."
"On what, Admiral?"
"On Decker. He's bright, ambitious, and god knows space
is in his blood."
Kirk tried to push aside
memories of the other Decker, running amok on his ship, turning his command
upside down. "Will is a first-rate
officer. He'll make a fine
captain."
"You had a lot to do
with that. The panel took your rec very
seriously. They want to do right by the
ship."
Kirk felt depression settle
over him. Right for the ship. He was right for the ship. "Have you told him yet?"
"Just did. I imagine he's assembling his command crew
even as we speak." Nogura
smiled. "Fortunately he'll have
plenty of experience already there for him.
I expect great things from your bridge crew, they've learned at the feet
of a master, now it's time for them to fly."
Kirk nodded; uneasy with the
envy he felt at the idea of Scotty and Uhura, Sulu and Chekov all trading their
loyalty to him in for their shiny new captain.
It's not like that, the more rational part of himself tried to say. He rose.
"I'm glad to hear that I had some small influence over this,
Admiral."
"I expect great things
from you too, Jim. There's work to be
done here at home."
Kirk nodded and showed
himself out. He sighed, tired and ready
to call it a day. He checked his
chrono. It was late enough that he
didn't have to go back if he didn't want to.
He saw the breezeway ahead that led to Starfleet Medical and followed it
without allowing himself to really think about where he was going. Or why.
"Can I help you,
Admiral?" a young aide asked.
"I'm looking for Doctor
Chapel."
The aide checked the
computer. "She's finishing up
rounds, sir. If you like, you can wait
in her office? It's on the fifth
floor. Number 548." He held out a sensor. "Just check in here."
"Thanks," Kirk said
with a tight nod as he laid his hand on the sensor. Once it beeped, he pulled his hand off and
walked to the elevator, taking it to the fifth floor. He found her office at the end of a side
hall. Touching the door panel to gain
access, he walked in. The office was
stark, almost bare of personality. Then
he saw the little statues that sat behind her desk on a credenza. He walked over and picked one up, studying
the winged figurine closely.
"It's Isis," Chris
said behind him.
"I thought
so." He put the goddess down. "You collect them?"
"Just started. Fell in love with this one." She walked over and picked up an Asian
woman. "Kuan Yin." She glanced over at him. "You don't call, you don't write. Where's the love, Jim?"
Startled he looked over at
her. She was grinning broadly and he
smiled. "I'm a schmuck."
"Nyah," she sat on
her desk and looked at him. "So
what brings you here?"
He was suddenly struck by the
idea that her desk was only slightly shorter than his chest.
She laughed. "Whoa, big fella."
He grinned again. "How do you know what I was
thinking?"
She pushed herself off the
desk. "Trust me. I know."
She took her white coat off and walked over to the door, hanging it on a
hook at the back. "I'm hungry,"
she said.
"I am too."
"We could eat
together."
"We could," he
agreed.
She studied him. "Chinese or Thai?"
"Thai," he answered
without hesitation.
"Okay. Do you like
Budara?" When he nodded, she held
out her hand. "Let's go then."
He smiled and walked over to
her, grasping her hand firmly. She gave
it a quick squeeze then pulled away and he let her go. The walk to Budara was short and normally
pleasant but the air was cooler than normal.
He saw her shiver.
"Cold?"
She nodded, then smiled to
herself.
"Yes, I could warm you
up," he said, grinning as she shot him an amused glance.
"So can the food. I like mine hot."
"Funny. So do I."
She shook her head. "Everything's a seduction to you."
"Look who's
talking," he said under his breath.
"I heard that."
"I meant you to."
She chuckled.
"What?"
"You make me feel
good." She suddenly looked very
embarrassed.
He reached out and touched
her arm, stopping her. Sensing how
self-conscious she felt, he just smiled.
"You make me feel good too."
Then he took her arm, tucking her in against him as they walked the rest
of the way.
The owner recognized them
both and seated them in one of the back tables by a small fountain. "Very romantic," she said with a
wink.
Chris blushed and Kirk just
laughed.
"You want
champagne?" the woman prodded.
"Do we want
champagne?" Kirk asked Chris.
"No," she said
firmly. "Sing Ha."
He smiled. "I'll have the same." When the owner left, he leaned in. "Beer seems safer to you?"
"Swimming in a shark
tank suddenly seems safer," she replied.
He laughed out loud. Where had this feisty woman come from? He didn't remember seeing her on the
Enterprise.
She seemed to be reading his
mind when she said, "I sort of lost myself onboard the ship."
He nodded, waiting.
"This is what I was like
before Roger disappeared." She didn't
have to explain anything to Kirk about that; he'd been there with her for most
of the final chapter. "Then with
Spock..." she glanced at him to see if he was going to react, but he just
waited. "I think I tried to become
Vulcan. Which was just stupid
really. I mean I'm human. How can I hope to become that?"
"I can see why you'd try
though."
"It became a joke,
though. I became a joke." Her expression grew firm. "I don't intend to ever be a joke
again."
He believed her.
"What was it like?"
she asked.
"What was what
like?"
"Being loved by
him?"
"How do you mean?"
he asked, wanting to challenge her, wanting her to admit that she knew there
was more than just friendship between Spock and him. And completely unwilling to just come out and
say so himself. He would analyze that
later.
"You know how I
mean." Her eyes darted away as she
evaded his trap.
"It was great."
She waited. "That's it?"
"What do you want me to
say?" She shrugged, and he chuckled
bitterly. "Do you want me to say it
was the most profound relationship of my life and I'll probably never replace
it?"
"I want you to say the
truth."
"Do you? Really?"
He waited. And knew, as she
looked away, that she didn't want to know the truth. He sighed.
"The truth is hard, Chris."
She nodded.
He was about to say more when
the door opened and Carol and David walked in.
He froze, just sat staring at the front of the restaurant where they
stood, picking up their takeout. Chris
turned to follow his gaze. "Is that
Carol and David Marcus?"
He just nodded. She didn't say anything more, just drank her
beer while he stared without interruption at his son and the woman he'd once
loved. When they finally left with their
food, never noticing him watching them, he turned back to Chris.
"You're white as a
sheet, Jim."
He shrugged.
"Trust me?" She reached over and touched his hand. "Tell me?"
He could feel the truth
welling up inside him. He was tired of
keeping it in. Tired of hurting
alone. "That was my son."
She turned to look at where
they'd stood, as if she could call back their images. "Oh..."
"He doesn't even
know. She's keeping it a secret, keeping
me a secret." He bit his lip and
looked away, unwilling to show this level of emotion.
She squeezed his hand. "I'm sorry."
He pulled away, drank nearly
half his glass of beer in one long gulp.
"It's just how things are.
Space was more important to me.
That's what she'd tell you."
She took a sip of her beer
and motioned for the waitress to bring them both another.
"I'm fine," he said
as the waitress set the fresh bottle in front of him.
"I'm the doctor here and
I don't think you're fine." She
held up her bottle. "To pain."
He met her eyes, saw how dark
and stormy they were. "To damage."
They clinked the bottles
together and, ignoring their glasses, drank deeply. They were mostly done with the thin liquid by
the time their food came.
"Another round of
these," Kirk said, as he dug into the food.
"It's really hot,"
Chris warned.
He nodded, feeling the burn
of the chilies. "I like it that
way."
She looked down. "You could introduce yourself."
He looked at her, not
understanding her point.
"I see him in the halls
outside the biochem lab all the time when I'm making rounds. It's two floors up from mine. You could just happen to show up. Meet him when she's not around."
He looked down. "I made a promise. I gave my word I'd stay away."
"Some promises were made
to be broken."
He looked at her. Saw she was serious. "No.
Some promises were made to be kept."
"No matter how much you
want this?"
He nodded and went back to
eating. When he looked up, he could see
she didn't believe him. "Drop it,
Chris."
"It's dropped."
There was a long silence.
"I'm sorry," he finally
said.
"Nothing for you to be
sorry about. I was out of line. This is your business. Not mine."
He nodded. Desperate to change the subject, he said,
"They picked my replacement today."
She looked up.
"For the
Enterprise. Will Decker. Do you know him?"
She nodded, a strange look on
her face.
"What?"
"Nothing." She studied him. "How does that make you feel?"
He laughed out loud. "Not content with just her M.D., Chapel
goes for a counselor spot too."
"I'm serious." When he ignored her, she said, "It's
tearing you up inside, isn't it?"
He nodded.
"You don't like
Decker?"
"On the contrary. He's one of the brightest officers I
know. In fact, I recommended him for
this."
"Then what's the
problem?"
He laughed. "I guess that's a really good
question. What is the
problem?" He looked at the
fountain. "Nobody knows her like I
do, Chris. Nobody understands her the
way I do. I know her like the back of my
hand; can tell how she's feeling just by listening to the way she hums under my
feet. I can make her achieve the
impossible."
"And now she's sleeping
with another man," Chris said.
"It feels damn close to
that. And it's a man that, as good as he
is, isn't worthy of her. He can't know
her the way I do. He can't love her the
way I do." He drank his beer, and
in a listless voice said, "I've
lost everything."
She looked down.
"I hate my job,
Chris. I'm bored half to death. I despise what I'm doing. I'd give everything I have to get back on the
Enterprise."
"I know." She shot him a sympathetic look that for some
strange reason he thought looked laced with guilt.
"Are you finished?"
he asked abruptly. When she nodded, he
waved the waitress over and settled the bill.
It was even colder when they
headed back toward their apartments.
Kirk saw her shiver and pulled her against him again. "You're cold."
She nodded. "I didn't expect it to get this
chilly. I'll survive. It's a short walk to my apartment."
"It's an even shorter
one to mine." He let his hand drop
lower, saw her look up at him.
"Are you sure?"
He nodded, fighting the urge
he had to push her into a convenient alley.
She seemed to understand the
look. "Maybe we should hurry
then?"
He didn't smile as he nodded
and increased their tempo. Nearly
breathless, they arrived at his apartment and he pushed her in the door, barely
letting her get past him before he pulled her to him and kissed her.
She seemed unsure for a moment
so he let his hands roam, stroking her the way he remembered her liking
it. She moaned and he smiled as he
pushed her against the wall. He couldn't
remember when he had wanted something as much as he did her at this
moment. She seemed to realize that,
reached up and unfastened his uniform, helped him remove hers. He smiled as he pushed her down to the floor,
smiled even more as she cried out from the way he was touching her. She pushed him to his back and with a feral
smile crawled on top. He was soon in no
shape to do more than moan.
They managed to stop in every
room before they made it to the bedroom.
The next morning he woke and
found the space next to him empty. He
heard noise in the bathroom and looked up as she peeked out. "I have an early meeting," she said
in explanation. "I used your shower
and fresher."
He watched her as she put her
hair up. The hair kept falling down and
he laughed.
"It's not funny,"
she said as she tried to corral the fine strands.
"Actually it is."
"I'm going to cut it all
off."
He thought of how he had
wrapped it around his hands--and later around hers--and said,
"Don't."
She looked over and
smiled. "You don't have to deal
with it." Hair finally in place she
hurried over to the bed and leaned down to kiss his cheek. He turned so that her lips landed on
his. The kiss lasted a long time.
When he let her go, she
looked at him tenderly, running her hand through his hair. "I've got to go."
"Are you hungry?"
She nodded. "Always.
I'll grab breakfast on the way."
"Okay."
She gave him a last grin,
then hurried out. He leaned back in the
bed and heard her call out, "You do realize we trashed your apartment,
right?"
He chuckled. "It'll survive."
He heard her throaty laugh,
then she was gone. He rolled over and
hugged the pillow to him. It smelled
like her. With a smile he closed his
eyes and fell back to sleep until the alarm woke him at his normal time.
---------------**----------------------
"This is not a good
idea," Kirk said as he let her lead him up the side stairwell of the
Medical building. "I made a
promise."
"Uh huh. And you're going to keep it. You just want to see him, right?"
He sighed. Trying to argue with Christine Chapel was
like trying to tell a tornado that it was going the wrong way. He was about to brave it anyway when he heard
her say softly, "There he is."
All protest forgotten, he
peeked out the small window in the door and saw a blonde head run by.
"He's up here a
lot. Anyone else tried that and they'd
be reprimanded for bringing their kid to work.
But not the golden girl."
He glanced at her. She shrugged unapologetically.
"Carol is
brilliant."
"And cold as an
iceberg. How'd you not freeze to death
in bed with her?"
"We were quite
satisfied."
She smiled.
"Right."
He sighed. "Well, perhaps she lacked the
spontaneity of others I may know, but she was warm and loving."
Chris was staring at him
thoughtfully.
"What now?"
"You loved her."
He nodded.
"What happened
then?"
He looked out as David ran past
again. "I wouldn't stay on
Earth."
"You were
Starfleet. Space is where we work."
"Well you know that, and
I know that. But she didn't want to hear
it."
"You've never even heard
his voice, have you?"
He shook his head.
She frowned. "Come on," she said as she grabbed
his hand and yanked he door open.
"Just act natural."
"Act
natural...what?" Then he shut up
because coming down the hall was his son.
Closer than he'd ever seen him.
The boy looked at Chris and smiled happily, his blue-green eyes
shining. "Hey, Christine. Hi," he said to Kirk.
She smiled
conspiratorially. "Hey, you. Your mother's not around is she?"
"No, she had to give a
lecture." David regarded Kirk
warily. "This your boyfriend?"
Kirk almost sputtered, the
boy sounded jealous. Chris just
laughed. "No, this is my former
captain."
"A real captain?"
"A starship
captain," she said.
"Wow!" David turned all his attention to Kirk. "Which ship was yours?"
Kirk smiled. "The--"
"Get the hell away from
him," Carol Marcus' voice cut him off.
David turned to his
mother. "He's a real starship
captain, mom."
"Go to my office
now."
"But I want to know what
ship."
Carol shot him a look. "Now."
David turned and stomped
away. "Don't even know his
name."
Carol looked at Jim. Then she turned on Chris. "You ever come near my child again,
Doctor Chapel, and I will personally see to it that you are ruined."
"Now hold on,
Carol. She isn't to blame."
"Oh, I blame you too,
Jim." She backed away. "You stay away from David. Both of you."
Kirk held out a hand. "Carol, for god's sake. We could at least try to make some kind of
arrangement. Let him get to know me. I'm on Earth now."
"For how
long?" She shot him an angry look,
turned it on Chris for good measure, then headed down the hall to her office.
Christine swallowed. "I'm sorry." She walked away quickly was already halfway
down the stairwell before he caught up with her.
"Hey, it's okay."
"I just made it worse
for you." She walked into her office
and paced.
He reached over and engaged
the lock. "Come here."
She looked over at him. "You're not mad at me? I could have ruined everything?"
"Come here."
She walked over. He pulled her into his arms. "You just gave me something I'll never
forget, Chris. You gave me my son."
"Only for a
second."
"Maybe that's all I'll
ever have." He kissed her, felt a
tenderness he hadn't felt before.
"Thank you for trying."
She smiled before she kissed
him back. He thought he saw a spark of
the same tenderness he was feeling for her reflected back in her
expression.
-------------------------------
Kirk hurried back to his
office. He had wanted to beat Chris to
his office for lunch, had a surprise waiting for her. But his meeting had run long. He rounded the corner and saw her standing in
the corridor talking to someone. It took
him a minute to recognize Will Decker.
He heard him say, "Well, think about it, Christine. This kind of opportunity doesn't come around
everyday. You know you want it. And I want you to have it. What more do you need to know?"
"What more does she need
to know about what?" Kirk asked as he walked up to them.
Decker smiled. "Jim!
I was hoping you'd come by. I
happened to run into Christine in the hall."
Kirk glanced at Chris. She smiled neutrally, clearly unsure how she
was supposed to handle this.
"Actually, Chris and I
are having lunch," Kirk said, realizing at the last minute that he sounded
a little possessive.
"Oh. Well great. Then I won't keep you." Decker turned to Christine. "It was nice seeing you again. I hope you'll consider what I've said."
"We'll see," she
said noncommittally. Kirk thought she
shot Decker a warning glance. He turned
to Decker, who only smiled at him.
"How is she, Will?"
Decker didn't have to ask who
Kirk meant. "She's fine. And soon she'll be better than fine. We're refitting her, reengineering her, reconfiguring
just about everything. You wouldn't
recognize her, sir."
Chris laughed and Kirk tried
to give Decker a genuine smile.
"That's great."
"She's the finest ship
in the fleet, Admiral. We both know
that."
Kirk just nodded. As Decker walked away, Chris turned to
him. "Are you all right?"
"He's got my
woman," Kirk said with a wry grin.
"Don't like it much."
She smiled, but the normal
warmth was missing.
"Are you all
right?"
"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?" This time her smile seemed more normal.
He suddenly remembered why he
wanted to beat her to his office.
"Hey, come in for a second.
I have something I want you to see."
She followed him in and
waited as he dug in his desk drawer.
Then he handed her a small statue.
She looked at it in surprise, then looked up at him. "This is very old."
He nodded. "It belonged to a family friend. She gave it to my parents when she moved back
to Delhi. Do you know which goddess this
is?"
Chris caressed the graceful
woman who was playing a veena.
"Saraswati, the Hindu goddess of knowledge."
He nodded.
She handed it back. "It's truly beautiful. You don't see sandalwood like this
anymore."
He smiled and closed her hand
over the statue. "I want you to
have it."
"I can't. It's too valuable."
"I want _you_ to have
it." He grinned.
"Jim."
"Chris." He shrugged playfully. "You're the only person I know who
collects goddesses. She's a
goddess. You do the math." Leaving her slightly stunned, he walked out
of his office and toward the exit.
She caught up with him. "I left her in your office. Safer there." At his glance, she smiled. "I'll pick her up on the way back. There's no way I can thank you."
"Oh, I can think of a
way or two. " He grinned evilly as
he led her out the door.
"Too bad you're
traveling," she replied, grinning just as evilly.
"And when I get back in
two weeks then it's dinner at my place.
Come alone."
She laughed. "Aye, aye, Admiral."
He allowed his hand to linger
on the small of her back as he let her precede him into the officer's
club. "I'll be thinking about it
the whole trip," he said huskily and was satisfied to feel her shiver at
his words.
--------------------------------
The trip was
interminable. Rounds of inspections,
diplomatic meals, and parties with ranking Starfleet officials quickly became tiresome
and Kirk wanted to go home, couldn't wait in fact to get back there and see
Chris. It shocked the hell out of him
that he was feeling this way. It stunned
him even more when he realized that he had been so busy missing her that he
hadn't thought about Spock for days.
When he finally arrived back
at his apartment, he wandered around the space, straightening up like a nervous
beau on a first date. We trashed this
place not too long ago, he thought with a grin.
I doubt that she'll care what it looks like.
She arrived still in uniform,
slightly out of breath, and carrying a bag.
She handed it to him. "I
brought champagne."
"So I see." He carried it into the kitchen and put it in
the chiller.
"Aren't we going to
drink it?"
"No."
She looked around. "I don't smell any food, Jim."
"Are you hungry?"
"Starved."
He handed her a wafer.
She took it and stared at
him. "You've got to be
kidding."
"I'm not."
"No champagne. And no dinner."
He nodded. When she just stared at him, he said, "Eat
it, Chris. I don't want to hear your
stomach growling all night."
"All night?"
He moved toward her. "Eat it or I'll feed it to you."
She saw something in his eyes
and took a quick bite. "Mmmm. Bland."
He laughed. "Unlike you."
"Is that so?"
Nodding, he said, "I've
been thinking about you a lot." He
reached out and gently took down her hair.
"What were you thinking
about?" She let him push her
backwards until they were in the bedroom.
She saw what he'd placed on the bedside table and looked at him as if
he'd lost his mind. "We're drinking
water tonight?"
"We are."
"Why, pray tell?"
He frowned. He had thought she would like this.
She asked again, in a less
playful tone. "Why, Jim?"
"Because I want it to
just be us. Not us and Glenlivet. Or us and Sing Ha."
"Ah." She didn't look convinced.
He watched her as she walked
around the room. She looked
nervous.
"It was easier when it
was just drunken sex, wasn't it, Chris?"
She stopped. "It's more?"
"You tell me."
He had the sudden impression
she was going to run out. He walked over
to where she stood.
"I said--" he let
his hands tangle in her hair, grabbing hold of thick strands that would be
enough to control her but too thick to hurt much when he pulled "--You. Tell.
Me." He let his eyes go
hard.
She was suddenly breathing
faster. He pulled her toward him, and
she didn't try to resist. "Do you
want to go get the champagne, Chris?"
She shook her head
hurriedly.
"Good." He let go of her hair and pulled her to him,
felt her lips meet his in a wild kiss.
She moaned and he moved his hands down exploring her body and pushing
her toward the chest. He pulled away and
began to strip off her clothes. "I
still think your desk might be a better height," he said with an evil
smile as he pushed her up then pulled his own clothes off.
She tried to draw him to her
but he shook his head. He began to kiss
her slowly, starting at her neck and working down. He took his time, learning everything, how
light to kiss here, how hard to suck there.
She moaned, "Please,
Jim," and tried to pull him up to her.
"Shhh," he said,
straightening long enough to kiss her tenderly.
Then he pulled her legs apart and said, "Don't move."
She didn't obey. He didn't blame her at all. With a grin he pulled her to him and let her
wrap her legs around him finally and pull him into her. He closed his eyes, lost in the sensations
that were buffeting him.
"Chris," he breathed as he buried his face in her neck and let
go. If her arms hadn't held him, he was
sure he would have fallen. Finally he
pulled away and looked at her. She was
crying.
"What is it?"
She shook her head.
"What?" He smoothed her hair from her face and gently
wiped a tear from her cheek.
She pulled him to her and
kissed him--deep, passionate kisses that drove him crazy, until he thought he
was going to drown in her. Pulling her
off the chest, he twisted so that they fell onto the bed.
They never left it the rest
of the night.
Kirk woke and looked at Chris
as she slept in his arms. He smiled,
remembering what they had shared.
Leaning down, he kissed her gently.
She mumbled and he kissed her again.
"Mmm," she said as
she opened her eyes and looked at him sleepily.
"Good morning."
She smiled.
"Kind of nice to wake up
together and not feel hung over, isn't it?"
She nodded. Then she moved slightly and groaned.
"Of course if you're
hurting as bad as I am from that last position we tried, the lack of a hangover
is scant consolation."
She nodded wordlessly, her
eyes showing her distress.
"A hot shower is just
what the doctor ordered," he said, watching as she slowly got out of
bed.
He forced himself to move and
walked slowly into the kitchen.
"I've really got to start working out more," he said to no one
in particular, but he couldn't help grinning as he thought of what they had
been trying to do.
He made coffee and ordered
some breakfast foods. When Chris came
out, he held out a mug. "I thought
you might like to eat breakfast here?"
She looked as if he had
punched her in the stomach.
"Or not." He put the mug down and walked over to
her. "Are you all right?"
She nodded. Then she stroked his cheek and leaned in to give
him the sweetest kiss he could remember getting from her. He kissed her back just as gently and thought
he heard her sob. When he pulled back,
he saw she was crying again. "What
is it? Did I do something?"
She shook her head. Seemed to be struggling to get herself under
control. "Maybe I will have some
coffee."
"Well, that's progress
at least." He grinned but she
didn't respond. "You can sit
down."
She didn't move.
"I can make it an
order?"
She still didn't respond.
He shook his head and took a
sip of coffee.
Suddenly she blurted out,
"They're announcing the crew selection for the Enterprise today."
He nodded, surprised to find
that it suddenly didn't seem to matter to him as much. "It'll be interesting to see who Will
picks."
She looked down.
"You're acting really
strange, Chris. I'm just going to assume
you're not at your best in the morning if you aren't hung over." He took a bite of a breakfast roll.
"I've accepted the
position of CMO aboard the Enterprise."
Kirk tried to swallow, felt
the roll stick in his throat. He took a
gulp of coffee, felt it burn even as it washed down the roll. "What?"
She didn't meet his
eyes. "Will asked me."
Kirk remembered the
conversation he'd seen in the hall between her and Decker. Of course that's what it had been about. "You lied to me?"
"I hadn't decided. I knew it would just make you upset."
"When did you
decide?"
"While you were
gone. I had a chance to think. I can't do that when I'm around you."
"Oh, I wouldn't say that. You seem to be able to keep secrets just
fine. Or doesn't that require
thinking?" He got up and threw the
breakfast foods into the recycler.
"Hope you weren't hungry."
"Jim, I feel sick about
this."
"No need to. It's a good career move. Maybe the best. I'm sure you'll make a fine CMO."
She reached out for him, held
on even as he tried to shake her off. As
she leaned in to kiss him, he said, "Were you going to tell me? Or were you just going to leave one day, like
he did?"
She sobbed and he pushed her
away.
"You can show yourself
out, can't you, Doctor Chapel?"
He pretended not to hear her
strangled, "Jim, wait." Didn't
allow himself to feel anything as he sat stoically on the bed until he heard
the door close behind her. Then he got
up, tore the sheets off the bed, and calmly ripped them to shreds.
----------------------------
He was buried in paperwork
when his door chimed. "Come."
She walked in. He bit back the automatic smile and said
evenly, "Doctor Chapel. This is a
surprise."
"How are you, Jim?"
"I'd prefer that you
address me in a more respectful manner, Doctor."
She flushed. "Of course, Admiral. I apologize for the lapse, sir."
She recovered quickly; he'd
say that for her.
"What can I do for
you?" He ignored the way his heart
was beating faster at the sight of her and forced his voice to stay supremely
disinterested.
"I came to give this
back." She didn't look at him as
she asked, "Permission to approach, sir?"
He was suddenly weary of the
charade. "Oh, drop the protocol,
Chris. What the hell do you want?"
She relaxed and met his
gaze. "I'm sorry."
"I really don't want to
talk about it."
"Yes, sir." She walked to his desk. "I wanted to give this back. It's too valuable for me to keep." She placed the statue of Saraswati in front
of him.
He took a deep breath as he
stared at the goddess. "You'll make
a great CMO, Chris." He looked up
at her.
She looked at him, clearly
startled. "Jim, I wanted to tell
you."
He held up a hand. "It was the right choice to make. Choose your future. And make it out there." He gestured toward the ceiling. "Not down here with some old man who's
tied to a desk."
He stood up. "The statue is yours. I want you to have it." He gently opened her hand and placed the
statue back in it. Then he closed her
fingers over it. "It's the only
thing I have left to give you." He
walked past her.
"Jim, this could still
work."
"No, Doctor. It really couldn't. Good luck in your new posting. Give my best to Will." He resisted the urge to look at her as he
stood at the door. "Please,
Doctor. I'm really very busy."
She nodded. "I report to the ship soon. I guess this is goodbye, Admiral."
"Godspeed," he
murmured.
She turned as she passed him
and their eyes met for a moment. Just
long enough for him to see the guilt and the pain, and possibly something else,
in hers. He turned away.
She walked out. He tried to ignore that she had said, "I
love you, Jim" as she'd left.
He walked back to his desk
and sat down. Felt the old depression
come back to claim him. His ship would
be leaving soon. Decker was taking it
all away from him. He laughed
bitterly. He turned to the dispatches,
started with the most sensitive. What he
read made him sit up straighter. He
scanned more information related to the strange, incredibly destructive force
that was headed straight for Earth.
He almost laughed. The Enterprise stood between it and the
planet. His ship, and his crew
aboard. And Will Decker ready to step
into his shoes? I think not, he thought
to himself, smiling in grim determination.
This was his chance to get it all back.
He looked at where the goddess had sat on his desk. Why not try?
He had nothing left to lose and no reason at all to play fair. He got up and began the walk to Nogura's
office, already plotting how it would change his life forever.
FIN
Didn't like the way this
ended? Want to read more? Continue on to A Particular Pain and see if
this relationship could work.