DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters
are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and
Viacom. The story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and are
copyright (c) 2013 by Djinn. This story is Rated R.
Altered States
by Djinn
It
started after the Psi 2000 virus.
Wait. Do I want to say that? Because itÕs not true. Is that really how I want to start this
little confessional?
It
started when Roger disappeared.
That
sounds better, right? More reasonable? Who wouldnÕt need a little help through
that?
ItÕs
not true, though.
It
started during University—all the stress. No, not then, earlier, the tension of
making perfect grades, of being the flawless daughter of parents who were
pillars of the community.
Yes,
thatÕs when it started. If IÕm honest.
See, I donÕt talk about that part of my life. DonÕt let on that my parents could have
bought my way into any school even if I hadnÕt had the grades to get there on my
own.
I
never wanted their help. Tried to do
everything myself. Put a lot of
pressure on shoulders not very well equipped to handle it.
ThatÕs
when I started.
Stims to
keep going. Sedatives to come
down. One of the reasons I
went into biochem: I had an interest in the way
chemicals affected biology. And I
liked the access we had to base materials.
To
say I ran my own drug lab would be an exaggeration. I never sold any, never gave any
away. I only made enough for
myself.
To
share would have been to give my secret away.
To cease to be perfect.
WhatÕs
that? Do I do it still? Oh, hell no. Starfleet keeps a close eye on the base
materials.
Starfleet
does not, however, keep a close eye on the medicines that routinely get
destroyed on this ship every time we have a close call with an irritated
alien. Or rather, they donÕt keep
an eye on them once I report them compromised and destroyed—destroyed
meaning stashed in my pocket or desk if itÕs a drug that interests me.
DonÕt
look at me that way. IÕm not the
only one who does it, you know. Other
nurses do it, too. Some of the doctors, as well. YouÕre not any different—you just
prefer to drown out the voices in your head with Kentucky bourbon instead of
meds.
What?
YouÕre a damn lush and you think my
using drugs occasionally is a problem?
Oh,
my mistake. YouÕre only
occasionally a lush. Well, then, if
itÕs not a problem for you, why is it a problem for me, Mister Every Once in a
While?
Besides,
weÕre not the only ones with pressure valves that are questionable. Look at the captain, with his women and
his risk taking. Do you think
other captains routinely lead landing parties the way he does? IÕve checked the injury reports for the
other starships—what? ItÕs
open info in the medical database.
Kirk is an overachiever, my darling.
Oh,
quit looking at me like that. IÕm
not saying I think less of him. IÕm
just saying we all find our own ways to cope.
Spock? Why do you always have to bring him up?
Well,
he meditates. No, all right, itÕs
ostensibly benign. Build your soul
and all that, but really, itÕs just an escape hatch like all the rest of
us. HeÕs checking out, even if itÕs
a more positive way to do it then slamming a hypo in your arm or throwing back
a belt of hooch or getting shot up on first contact.
Yes,
or nearly getting your manhood cut off by opening relations with the wrong
species. Are you ever going to let Kirk
live that down? As I remember it,
you were pretty interested in their medical officer. Oh, you were, too.
No,
I was not jealous. I could give two
shits what you do. Okay, well when
you do that, I actually do care. Ohhh, yes, that...that certainly is worth being interested
in.
Wait,
what did you say? Stop that, I canÕt think when you do that. What did you just say?
You
want us to stop...this? Oh, you
want us to stop...the coping mechanisms.
Toots,
has it occurred to you that a coping mechanism may be all this is?
No,
I did not say that just to make you mad and distract you from us quitting. Besides, you without
whiskey? Not going to
happen.
YouÕre
serious?
Why?
You
what? You lov—
Oh.
I
know IÕm supposed to say it back.
No
IÕm not thinking about Spock. IÕm
thinking about how you canÕt tell me to give up something thatÕs gotten me
through life since I was fifteen and then tell me you love me.
I
donÕt know if I love you back, okay?
No,
I donÕt think IÕd know if I did if I werenÕt on drugs. IÕm not on drugs right now.
Okay,
yes, thatÕs a lie. But youÕve got
an empty glass on the nightstand, Mister Pot.
ThatÕs
ridiculous. You canÕt make me
choose you or them.
YouÕre
making me choose you or them?
I
did not tell you all this just to have you force me into some idiotic either/or
scenario. I told you because IÕm
sick of hiding the truth from you—and because I thought you could handle
it. Because...youÕre as screwed up
as I am.
You
are, too. Possibly even more
screwed up.
God,
why did I even bother?
No,
I wonÕt come back to bed.
What? You canÕt be serious? The CMO does not manage inventory.
Fine. Watch all you want. I can quit anytime. DonÕt be surprised if that bottle you
keep in your office goes missing.
Or maybe isnÕt full of booze anymore.
What? Only you get to play this game?
Watch
my step? Watch my goddamn
step? You watch my step. Right out of this room.
Oh
and Len, you should ask the captain how I got on his ship. It wasnÕt my fast-talking that did
it. Daddy talked to someone who
talked to an admiral. Daddy can
talk to lots of people. People, say,
in Savannah, who hold the note on that house youÕre barely scraping payments
on?
Yeah,
you did tell me about that. You
were really drunk at the time.
All
IÕm saying is, you might not want to tick me off too much.
Oh,
that did it. Careful, lover, youÕve
had a lot to drink.
Yeah,
well I fucking hate you, too.
Mmm, right here? On the floor?
What is it with you and the angry sex?
Well,
I improvised. I thought you might
like the poor little rich girl angle.
And you do drink too much.
No,
I donÕt do drugs. Imbecile. ItÕs called role-playing for a reason.
This
floor is cold. No, sore knees do
not make up for a freezing backside.
Let me up.
Much
better.
Yes,
I really did look up the captainÕs injury report. Yes, it really is the highest of any
starship captain.
Yes,
maybe you should.
YouÕre
welcome.
FIN