DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the
property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are the creation
and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2012 by Djinn. This story is Rated
R.
About What I Said
By Djinn
The
planet wasn't a bad place to be temporarily marooned. Decent weather. Plenty of
safe water and food that wasn't going to harm Kirk or his landing party. They'd
even found shelter from the afternoon rains in the natural overhangs of the
cliffs in the area.
He
had Nelson, Marietta, and Ikito taking what they
needed from the downed shuttle and getting well clear of the site since radiation
might start leaking. Spock was busy assessing the damage.
"Any
conclusions," Kirk asked, keeping his voice low. "Sabotage?"
"I
do not think so, Jim. Incompetence, unfortunately, is more likely. I have seen
this mistake before with these refitted shuttles."
Jim
rolled his eyes. "You think Decker would have gotten himself
stranded?"
"Decker
would not have performed maintenance on this shuttle, Jim. It is not your fault
this was done incorrectly." Spock looked to where Chapel was treating
Miller and D'lehr. "Fortunately, no one was
seriously hurt."
"That
we know of. She hasn't told me if they have internal injuries."
"I
do not believe they do. She would have a different expression," Spock
said, and Kirk frowned, wondering how the hell Spock knew what kind of
expression Chris would have for different occasions.
"You
spending time with her?" The question came out very sharp.
Spock
didn't even look up. "No, but over the years, I have spent a fair amount
of time in sickbay and become aware of the myriad of expressions she is capable
of when dealing with prognoses." He took some more readings. "Would
you be opposed to my spending time with her? Your response just now was highly
reactive." He did look up, his eyebrow reaching for the sky.
Kirk
gave him the quick, mocking smile that ticked most people off. Spock just went
back to work, apparently unperturbed.
The
hell of it was he'd be more than just opposed to Spock taking up with
Chris—he'd be livid. Even if he'd been the one to break up with her once it was
clear he was on the ship for good again.
Even
if she'd resisted being broken up with.
Even
if he'd resorted to saying a rather cruel thing—"you're not really my
type, doctor, in case you haven't noticed." Something that hit a
significant hot button but was a flat-out lie. If he showed her an album of his
important ex-girlfriends, Chris would see that quick-witted women—scientists,
preferably—who were attractive but perhaps not classically beautiful, were exactly
his type. And she'd met several of them. If she hadn't been so insecure about
all the flashy aliens he'd charmed, she'd realize that.
She'd
avoided him ever since, except when work demanded it—like landing parties gone
bad—and in her eyes was a deep hurt. Like she'd been a fool to trust him.
He
was waiting for the day he saw her with someone else. He was dreading that day.
He
took a deep breath and walked over to her. She saw him coming and moved away
from the two crewmen.
"How
are they?"
"Miller's
ribs are broken, but no internal bleeding. D'lehr's
injuries are more serious." She motioned for him to walk with her.
"His organs are clustered lower—on Sarlevia it
makes sense. But he took a hard hit and more than one organ is in jeopardy. He
needs to get back up to the ship at once."
"They're
sending another shuttle."
"Better
than the last one, I hope." She looked at him like it was his fault theirs
crashed.
Or
maybe he was just projecting?
"Spock
knows what went wrong with it. And yes, they'll check it over. I'll send you
back up with D'lehr, if you want?"
She
shook her head. "Len can handle it. You needed a medical rep on this
landing party, didn't you? Or did you just bring me down here to fuck with my
head some more?"
He
took a deep breath.
"I'm
sorry, sir. That was out of line. I'm going to go back to my patients
now."
"You
do that."
She
turned and he touched her arm; she pulled away as if his touch had burned her.
"What?"
"Spock
is off limits."
"Excuse
me?"
"Anyone
else you want is fine. But not him. Oh, and not Bones."
She
was staring at him open mouthed. "Maybe you should make the whole crew off
limits?" She laughed, a confused, bitter-sounding laugh. "Why do you
care?"
"It
would be awkward—seeing you with them."
"You
know, I think this won't get worse, and then you go and prove me wrong.
Congratulations, sir, for surprising me yet again." She turned on her heel
and stalked off.
He
watched her go. He knew he'd just made an ass of himself. He also knew, even
though she was hurt and mad, that there was no way she'd go anywhere near Spock
or Bones now.
And
that's all he cared about. He couldn't have her for himself. He couldn't keep
her from having anyone else. But he damn well was not going to watch her with
one of his two best friends.
##
The
two shuttles descended slowly, dust and grit flying as they got closer to the
ground. One of the ships would stay there for the landing party to return to
the Enterprise while the other would
take D'lehr and Miller back to the ship. Kirk waved
the two crewmen's replacements over and told them to help Chris get the injured
men onto the shuttle.
She
walked past him without a word and once they were safely settled, went to wait
with the rest of the landing party.
As
the shuttle took off, Kirk turned back and saw Spock handing out padds with
assignments of what to survey, what samples to take. After V'ger had destroyed
several outposts, Starfleet was looking to establish new ones, and some
previously discounted worlds now seemed appealing: the
Enterprise was back in the business
of surveying.
This
world didn't seem like an obvious choice since the radiation patterns in the
upper atmosphere, while not dangerous to humans, made it impossible to beam
down. But for some activities, being in a place that no one could sneak onto
via transporter was very attractive. Kirk hadn't asked, and didn't expect to be
told, what those activities were.
He
waited until Spock had given out all the padds, then followed Chris.
She
seemed to know he was behind her and waited until they were out of earshot
before turning to look at him. What now? I can't date Sulu or Uhura,
either?"
He
held out his hand. "Can we start this day over?"
"I
wish we could. I'd have called in sick." She turned and walked off.
He
hurried after her. Damn, those longs legs of hers could cover ground.
"Would you slow down? And aren't you supposed to be taking readings or
something?"
"What
about you? Don't you have anything useful to do other than torture me?"
She spun and jammed a finger into his sternum. "If you're suddenly
relaxing your rule about sleeping with the crew, did you see Marietta? Gorgeous
girl. Just your type. Which I, as you so clearly pointed out, am not." Her
eyes were hard, but he thought her lips were starting to quiver just a little,
and she turned away quickly and walked away even faster. She looked like she
was doing something with her communicator.
His
suddenly buzzed. "Kirk here"
"Jim,
I would be most appreciative of your assistance."
"Are
you in trouble, Spock?"
"I
am not. I have...something here that is of interest."
Kirk
sighed. Chris was getting farther and farther away. "Fine, I'm
coming."
It
wasn't a short walk. It was made longer by the fact that Spock didn't stay in
the place he'd called from. He kept moving. By the time Kirk got to him, he was
out of breath from climbing up a steep grade. "Spock, I thought you said
you had something of interest."
"I
was mistaken."
"You
were...? And you couldn't let me know that?"
Spock's
eyebrows dipped. "It is a pleasant day. You were not assigned any duties.
I thought you would enjoy the walk. You always seek out such activities when on
Earth."
He
had him there. "It's just..." He sighed. "Never mind. With the damn
shuttle crashing, I'm on edge. So, is this world going to work for an
outpost?"
"I
see no reason for it not to suffice." Spock followed Kirk up to the top of
the rise.
"Wow,
nice view." He could see the others in the landing party. He found Chris immediately.
She was talking to—who the devil was that?
"It
would appear Lieutenant Ikito and Doctor Chapel have
decided to work together," Spock said, as if knowing exactly where Kirk
was looking.
"Not
that I care."
"Except
that teamwork is essential to the running of a ship."
"Yes.
That."
"And
morale is, in the case of a human ship, often increased when personal
relationships are developed fully."
"Define
fully."
Spock's
eyebrow rose. "I meant that they could become friends. What did you think
I meant?" He started back down the hill.
"That's
what I thought you meant." He took one last look at Chris. She was
standing awfully close to Ikito. Fully developing
that personal relationship, no doubt.
##
Kirk
strolled into sickbay, walking as slowly as he could as he looked to see where
the hell Chris was. This was the third time he'd been down in a week and she
wasn't here again.
"Jim,
not that it isn't dandy to see you, but what's the occasion this time?"
Bones gave him a questioning look.
"Actually,
I wanted to ask Chris something."
"Oh,
she's in the lab."
"The
lab." Where Spock also had said he'd be when he'd left the bridge.
"Special project?"
"Yeah,
we needed someone to look at..." Bones frowned. "Why do you care what
she's doing?"
"I
don't. I mean, as captain of course I care that every member of the crew is
productive and happy."
"Well,
now that you mention it, she's not all that happy. Hasn't been since you
shanghaied me back into service. I'm guessing she probably was in a bit better
spirits before you went and demoted her. Doesn't seem to hold it against me,
though. You might want to talk to her about it if you haven't already."
"You're
reading my mind. That's exactly what I wanted to talk to her about. I'll just
go to the lab."
"I
think they're in lab four. Or maybe three." He waved Kirk off. "One
of 'em, anyway."
Kirk
smiled in what he hoped was not a brittle way. There were sixteen science labs
on his ship.
He
found them in lab seven. They were standing very close, but then they were
taking turns looking at what he supposed was a sample. Did Spock usually stand
that close to her?
He
cleared his throat.
They
didn't turn around.
He
tried it again.
Chris
turned to look at him. "Did you want something?"
"Lieutenant,
that is not the way to greet your commanding officer." Spock sounded
appropriately disapproving, and Kirk felt some of his tension fade away.
"Sorry,
sir. Orders?"
"I'd
like to talk to you, Doctor."
Spock
handed her something and walked over to him. "Can it wait, Jim? We are at
a most delicate stage in this experiment. Doctor McCoy seems most impatient for
the results."
"Of
course." He motioned for Spock to follow him out into the corridor.
"How'd you end up working on this? Did she ask for you?"
"On
the contrary. I read some of the articles she published. One of them in
particular sparked my interest in collaborating on a new technique for
identifying minute quantities of alien bacteria in otherwise inert material. It
is fascinating, Jim. And I find she has a most flexible and agile mind."
She
had a most flexible and agile body, too. Kirk hoped to God Spock wasn't going
to find that out. "Well, I'll leave you two to carry on."
Spock
turned to go.
"Don't
do anything I wouldn't do."
Spock
stopped, turned, and shot him a questioning glance. "Do you believe we are
conducting the experiment in an incorrect manner? Is there some other approach
you would prefer we take?"
"Forget
I said that."
"As
you wish." Spock turned and walked into the lab.
Kirk
tried not to sneak a peek to look at Chris, but he couldn't resist. She had her
head down and didn't look up when Spock walked back to her. Didn't look up to
see Kirk staring at her.
Spock,
however, did and shot him another confused look.
Kirk
backed away from the door and let it close, then double-timed it to the bridge
before he could get himself into any more trouble.
##
Kirk
couldn't sleep, pulled on some clothes, and wandered the corridors, smiling at
his crew as he worked off some energy. He turned a corner and saw Chris talking
to a lieutenant he didn't recognize. Very light blonde hair. Tall—taller than
Kirk—but looked like he'd never seen the inside of a gym.
Chris
glanced down the corridor and seemed startled to see Kirk staring at her. She
said something to the lieutenant and sent him on his way. Then she stood, arms
crossed, and stared Kirk down.
He
decided if she wanted to play chicken, he was all for it. He strode down to
where she stood. "Who was that?"
"You
don't know your crew by heart?"
He
hated to give her that one, but the truth was he didn't know them all yet.
"You know I don't." There, let her chew on that.
"I
don't know you at all. I thought you were actually interested in me, but I was
oh so wrong." She leaned in. "Turns out I'm not your type." Her
voice was sharp and bitter, but there was still lingering hurt in her eyes.
"If
you're not my goddamned type, why am I so interested in who you're talking
to?" He frowned. That had not been his intended next reply. "I
mean..."
"Stop
it. Is this fun for you? Play with me some more? See if you can get me to let
you back in, so you can break my heart again?" She moved closer. "I
thought you were nice. In fact, I thought you were wonderful. But you're not. I
don't know what you are." She backed away, as if he were some kind of
snake. "And his name is Carrew. He's been on the
ship a week, and he was lost. May I go now?"
He
nodded.
She
turned and nearly ran away from him.
He
was fine until he heard her bite back a sob and then he was running after her,
dodging crewmembers on duty like an idiot, trying to reach her. He caught her
in the turbolift.
"Goddamn
it, Jim." She wiped her eyes, not looking at him.
"Computer,
hold lift." He moved closer. "Just listen. I lied. I lied about one
thing. Not about my rules or not being with you, all right? I have those rules.
I can't be with you. But you were fighting me, and I didn't think I could...I
had to make you want to leave."
She
was inching away from him so he grabbed her hand.
"Chris,
Jesus, how can you not be my type?" He touched her cheek. "Think
about it."
"I
have a better idea. Think about this." She kneed him. Really hard. In the
groin.
As
he doubled over, moaning in pain, he heard her say, "Computer, resume
lift." The turbolift started, then stopped again, and she got out, leaving
him alone.
He
immediately gasped out, "Computer, hold lift."
It
took him a long time before he could breathe right, much less tell it to
resume.
##
He
found Chris with Spock in the lab the next afternoon. They were hard at work,
standing close. Spock shot him what looked like a warning glance.
He
ignored it. "I'd like to talk to the good doctor."
"The
good doctor is busy," Chris said without looking up.
Spock
did not reprimand her this time on the proper way to address her commanding
officer.
Kirk
folded his arms over his chest. "I could make it an order."
Spock
turned and gave him a look Kirk could only read as...disappointed. "Sir, I
ask that you do not. We are quite
busy."
Sir?
Spock was sirring him? And since when were he and
Chris a "we"?
"After
your shift then, Doctor." He knew his voice was dropping into the tone
he'd used at Command, before he got his ship back, before he'd taken up with
Chris. During the time when he'd been at his most unhappy. Spock hadn't seen
him then.
Spock
didn't appear to think much of that tone. "She is joining me for
dinner."
At
Chris's sudden glance at Spock, Kirk thought this was probably news to her. But
she rallied and nodded solemnly.
"Well,
hey, let's invite Bones. Get the whole gang together."
"I
think not," Spock said, and turned back to the experiment...and Chris.
Kirk
felt his blood pressure rising as he stood there. Stood there being ignored. By
his best friend and the woman he loved.
Damn
it, was the woman he loved with his best friend?
Shit...he
loved this woman.
He
sighed. "I'll let you get back to work," he said softly, and headed
out, not even realizing until he'd gone about a dozen strides that he was
walking the wrong way.
##
The
gym was packed but everyone moved aside to let Kirk have whatever machine he
wanted. For some reason, this irritated the hell out of him. He wanted to be
like everyone else, didn't want special accommodations.
They
had to wait their turn but they also got to have lovers onboard ship. They got
to be happy.
Why
the hell couldn't he?
He
wasn't paying attention to what he was doing, too busy feeling sorry for
himself, and he lost his grip on one of the machines—a machine he'd loaded too
much weight on to begin with. He felt his shoulder pull and managed not to cry
out as he felt something tear. The pain was wrenching. He stopped and tried to
pretend that nothing was wrong. Reached for his towel and had to stop when the
movement caused a shock of pain down his arm and up into his neck.
He
slid off the machine, grabbed his towel with his good hand, and headed to
sickbay. It was quiet inside and he saw the conference room was occupied.
Great, he was interrupting a beta shift staff meeting.
"Are
you hurt?" Chris stood in her office, her expression somewhere between
wary and compassionate.
He
nodded.
She
walked over. "Where?"
"Left
shoulder. Working out. Wasn't paying attention."
"Let
me guess. A beautiful woman walked in?" Her voice was acid, but her hands were
incredibly gentle as she eased him onto the biobed. She got a scanner and began
to check him out.
"What
are you doing here?"
"Just
catching up on reports."
"How
was your dinner with Spock?"
"Short."
"Are
you with him?" He realized he sounded adrift—almost like a lost little
boy—and she looked at him as if she didn't know how to answer. "I'm sorry.
It's none of my business."
She
sighed and said, "Let me just get your shoulder fixed, okay?"
He
nodded.
She
worked silently, and he closed his eyes and just drifted, remembering how she
was in bed, how she loved to cuddle up against him, how sweet her kisses were.
He'd loved going to the park with her, loved how she could make him laugh as
they watched people, providing dialogue to what they were doing, not mocking
them, just making up crazy adventures for random passersby. Nothing had made
him laugh back then until she'd come along.
"I'm
sorry, Chris."
"Shhh."
"Do
you remember that little girl on the bench in the park? The one you made up the
whole gymnastics routine for." He started to laugh. "You made the
adults with her the judges, did their critiques in all the crazy accents. I
think it was the first time I'd had a good day since I left the ship."
He
heard the sound of a stool being pulled over but didn't open his eyes. She kept
working on his shoulder.
"Put
your knees up," she said softly.
He
did as she said and realized she was working on where she'd kneed him in the
turbolift and didn't want anyone who might happen by to see.
"Thanks."
"This
is not because you're forgiven. It's because I'm a sentimental fool." She
stopped. "You need to leave me alone. You hurt me when you broke up with
me."
"I
know. I did it on purpose. I had to get you away from me."
"So you told me the truth. That I'm not pretty enough for
you."
"You
are pretty."
"Not
flashy enough then."
"That
wasn't the truth. That was a lie. Think about it, Chris. You saw Janice Lester.
Janet Wallace. Areel Shaw. I know you've met Carol
Marcus. None of them are 'flashy.' And I clearly like smart women. Scientists
are not a turn off, either."
"I
don't know what to believe. And I'm not sure which is worse. That you'd say
that to me and it was true. Or that you'd say that to me knowing I'd think it
was." She got up and pushed the stool back. "You can go. You're
fine."
"I'm
not fine. I'm not going to be fine."
"That's
not my problem. Or my fault. I was actually happy when I heard you got the
ship. I thought we could be together. I should have known better. But like I
said: I'm a sentimental fool." She touched his shoulder gently, then
walked away.
He
finally opened his eyes. "I love you," he said.
She
was too far away to hear him; he knew she would be.
##
He
avoided her for a week. But he kept seeing her with Spock despite not seeking
her out. In the mess, in the corridors. Their dark heads close together, just
like in the lab.
He
sighed and turned away.
He
walked into the rec lounge, the one place he was sure to have some respite from
them. But they were there, too, sitting at a table near the bar.
He
turned and nearly ran into McCoy. "Bones. I...uh,
forgot something."
"Did
you now?" McCoy grinned and led him to the bar. "It's on me, tonight,
my friend. What's your poison?"
"Arsenic?"
"Bad
day at the office, dear?"
Kirk
tried like hell to not look at where Spock and Chris were sitting. He knew he
failed when McCoy followed his gaze.
"There's
something you don't see very often, huh? They're finalizing the report on the
experiment."
"Of course they are. In the rec lounge."
McCoy
frowned. "What? Do you think they're on a date?"
"Maybe
they are." He motioned the bartender over. "Scotch. Make it a double.
Bourbon for him."
"You
seem a bit distressed over this. Why is that, Jim?"
Kirk
just shook his head, took the glass the bartender handed him, and drank a nice
solid hit. It burned all the way down.
"It
would be sweet, wouldn't it?" McCoy said in a musing tone. "After all
this time. Spock finally coming to his senses, realizing what was right in
front of him. Christine happy at last."
"Yes,
real goddamn sweet." He downed the rest of his drink and called for
another.
"You
might want to go easy there."
"You
might want to not lecture me tonight." He grabbed the refill out of the
bartender's hand and downed it in two big gulps.
"Okay,
then." McCoy sipped his bourbon. "Anyway, I'm just thinking of how
much fun it will be to watch their love grow. To see it bloom. I wonder how
much affection he'll actually show her in public? Do you think she'll move into
his quarters or he—"
Kirk
was on his feet and moving toward Spock's table. "I need to talk to her.
Sorry to break up your date." He kept his voice low. There was such a
thing as decorum.
Spock
looked over at her, and she nodded and let Kirk take her hand.
"How
much have you had to drink?" she asked as he steered her to a secluded
corner of the lounge.
"A
hell of a lot. So I need to get out what I've got to
say before I'm too far gone to say it right. I...I
love you."
She
stared at him.
"I
love you, and it's killing me to watch you falling in love with Spock—only
you've been in love with him, so I guess it's more that it's killing me that
he's falling in love with you finally, and you're leaving me."
"You
left me."
"That's
a technicality. I'm not the one who's falling in love with someone else."
"Who
says I fell in love with you in the first place?"
"Didn't
you?" He leaned in and studied her. "You never said it, but I thought
you did."
She
swallowed hard. "Where's this going, Jim?"
He
sighed. "I don't know. I really don't. I just...I just feel like my insides
are all twisted and that everywhere I turn I see you and Spock. And it hurts.
Because I love you. And I don't want to not have you. Why can't I have
you?"
"I
never said you couldn't."
"I
know. I did." He smiled at her, a gamely stupid smile he was sure. "I
love you, Chris. We would have been so good together." He touched her hand
and let his fingers linger on hers. "You can go back to Spock now."
He
wanted to kiss her more than anything but he forced himself to walk, in as
straight a line as he could manage, out of the rec lounge and to his quarters.
He passed out before he could do anything else stupid.
##
Kirk's
head was pounding when he woke up to the sound of his door chime going off.
"Go away," he muttered, putting the pillow over his head.
The
chime sounded again and he said "Come," in a way that should scare
off anyone but the most determined person.
Spock
walked in. He held out two white tablets. "Doctor McCoy thought you might
need these."
Kirk
had the irrational urge to tell him to shove the antitox up his ass, but he
took the pills and let them melt under his tongue. The pounding in his head
started to ease up.
Spock
walked over to his viewscreen. "I am not interested in Christine,
Jim."
Kirk
blinked and stared at him. "Then why are you with her?"
"I
am not with her."
"Then
why were you with her in the rec lounge? Why were you so protective of her in
the lab? Why are you with her every goddamn time I go to the mess?"
"For
several reasons. One is that we are, in fact, working on an experiment. Last
night we were finalizing our
report—until your latest revelation left her unable to concentrate."
"Oh.
Sorry."
Spock
turned and studied him. "Jim, I wanted you to think I was with her. I wanted
you to be jealous, and I wanted you to decide you could have her."
"You
did?"
"I
did."
"Why?"
"The
night you ended your relationship with Christine was shortly after our
encounter with V'ger. I ran into her—quite literally—as she came from your quarters.
The telepathic barrage of her pain as we collided in the corridor was
overwhelming. I was still quite emotional—and I was still sorting through what
I had learned from the meld with V'ger. One thing I knew: a being with dual
needs in conflict could never be happy.
"I
thought that only applied to myself, but when I listened to her tell me what
had happened with you, I realized that you were once again placing yourself in
an untenable position. You needed your ship, but you would soon long for that
beach to walk on that you once spoke so eloquently about. And when you could
not stand to be without it, you would again leave the ship—and me and Doctor
McCoy. And we know how that turned out the last time. I wish for a different
ending to this voyage."
Kirk
stared at him. "You've been pretending? To...protect us?"
"You
can have the ship and have love, Jim. You do love her. It's very clear to me,
if not to her. She is, understandably, quite confused at this point. She wanted
to transfer off. I asked her not to. I told her to give you time, although she
said there was no point. But I think there is a point. These are your rules and
it is time to explore amendments to them."
"I've
thought about it. Usually when I saw her with you." He gave Spock his wryest
grin.
"She
would welcome it. She loves you."
"When
did you become her best friend?" Kirk leaned back in bed, covered his face
with his arms. "I don't even know how to get her to trust me."
"I
am having breakfast with her in an hour. Why don't you take my place? A public
outing. A good start. I would advise you to keep it light."
Jesus
God, he was getting relationship advice from Spock.
"The
more she understands that she is 'with' you, the more she will trust you."
"I
figured that part out on my own."
"I
just wanted to be sure as I want the best for her. I have grown fond of
her."
"How
fond?" Kirk didn't smile when he asked.
Spock's
lips ticked up as he rose. "Good luck, Jim."
##
Kirk
found Christine waiting in the mess hall. She frowned when she saw him.
"Before
you say anything, Spock told me to take his place."
"He
did?"
He
nodded. "So will you just wait while I get my
food and then we can talk?"
She
looked like she might bolt.
"Chris,
please?"
She
finally nodded and he grabbed some coffee and a bagel and got back to her
before she could think better of sticking around.
He
noticed her coffee was empty. "I'll get you a refill."
"With
cream and—"
He
met her eyes. "I remember how you like your coffee, Doctor."
She
bit back a smile, and he hurried off while he was ahead, bringing her more
coffee and sitting down with a smile. He didn't launch right into conversation
but took his time getting his bagel evenly spread with cream cheese while she
ate her oatmeal.
"Okay,"
she said softly, "I'll bite. Why did Spock send you?"
"He
thinks my rules are stupid." He grinned at her. A real grin. "I'm
frankly, given the raging jealousy I've been feeling lately at the thought that
you were with him, inclined to agree."
"I'm
not seeing him, Jim, so there's no reason to be jealous."
"So he said." He bit into his bagel and chewed it
slowly. "And I'm gratified to hear it, by the way. Anyone on the crew you
are interested in that I should be aware of?"
"Other
than you, you mean?"
"That's
what I mean. Do I have a rival?"
"No."
She sounded angry as hell when she said it. "But I have one. This damn
ship."
"Yeah,
well, she's gonna have to share." He grinned
again.
She
didn't smile back. "I don't believe you."
"I
know. But you will."
They
ate in silence for a bit, and it was a decent silence, not heavy and full of
unsaid, angry things. When he finished his bagel, he got up to get them more
coffee, then said, "So I want to talk about the demotion."
She
sighed. "I actually thought you did that so I wouldn't be a direct report.
So that we could be together."
"That's
not why I did it. Although it will work out nicely now that I have."
She
looked down. "You didn't like Decker's pick, huh? You never said that when
we were together. You were a big cheerleader then. Oh, Chris, you'll be great.
For some other captain, apparently. Not you."
"I
needed Bones. End of the story."
"I
don't like your story."
"I
can't help that." He leaned in. "If being CMO is important to you, I
can make it happen. Any other ship."
"You
want me off?"
"No.
But if I deprived you of something you feel you earned, then I'll make it
right."
She
laughed. "Earned? Holy shit. I just got my M.D. How in the hell did I earn
this? I'm not mad I was demoted; I'm relieved. I'm mad that you demoted me."
"Ah.
Understood." He smiled. "So you'll
stay?"
"As
deputy?"
"Yes,
but you can be chief girlfriend. And there are no deputy positions, before you
ask."
She
laughed. "This seems an abrupt turnabout."
"I've
been going nuts."
"I
understand that because I'd be going nuts if I saw you with another
woman."
"So we understand each other."
She
started gathering their dishes onto her tray. "No, Jim, we don't. You said
you love me, and that felt really good. And it's stupid of me to say it, but I
love you, too. But the problem is that you made me feel...inadequate. Ugly,
even." She looked down. "I was always gawky as a kid. Never pretty.
Never went to a dance. Boys never looked at me twice. I went after men who
liked me for my mind. Or my legs—they grew up nice at least."
She
met his eyes. "I know what I look like. I'm one of those women that's handsome,
not pretty. But when I was with you on Earth, I felt beautiful. I felt wanted.
Not for just my brains or my legs. But for the whole package. And then you went
and wrecked that." She stood up. "I'm just not sure. Some things go
so deep, you know?"
"I
didn't mean—"
"I
don't care what you meant to do. You hurt me. On purpose. In the way you knew
would hurt me the worst. I told you things about my growing up. I let you in on
feeling awkward and not very pretty and you used that against me. And frankly,
I hate you right now." Her voice was rising and she started to turn red as
a few crewmembers turned to look at them. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to
say it that loudly."
"It's
all right. Every couple fight, don't they?" He smiled at her gently.
"I
should have just transferred off," she said as she turned, rushed to dump
her tray, and hurried out of the mess.
He
went back to his coffee, drinking it in an unconcerned manner as if he and his
new/old girlfriend had not just made a bit of a scene in a very crowded mess
hall.
##
"I
need advice," he said to Spock, pulling him away from the science station
and toward the turbolift. "Sulu, you have the conn."
Once
the lift doors closed, Spock asked, "Breakfast did not go well?"
Kirk
told the computer to halt the lift. "I hurt her. When I told her she
wasn't my type, not pretty enough. I hurt her so much she may never let me back
in."
"If
you were in her position, what would you need to prove you wrong?"
Kirk
shrugged. "I didn't mean it. Why can't she see it?"
"Because
we all have places that are not fair to target, and you know it. You have done
it to me several times to get a rise out of me, all in the name of the mission.
You are a master at pressing the right buttons for greatest impact. You have
made her feel unattractive, Jim. How will you make her feel attractive?"
"Spock,
I'm tired. Maybe this is a mistake. Maybe I should let her go."
"Maybe
you should stop being a coward, admit you were wrong, and make this
right."
Kirk
stared at Spock, his jaw dropping slightly. "Uhhhh."
"I
am sorry, Jim, but it is this kind of attitude that led you back to Earth to a
job you hated. To a term marriage that was from all accounts dismal. To
stealing a ship from a man you recommended. To jettisoning a promising
relationship with a woman who is as independent as one can be on a starship
under your command, and furthermore is your intellectual equal, all in the name
of rules that only you see as necessary. I believe the correct phrase is: get
over it."
Kirk
knew his jaw dropped open.
Spock
took a deep breath. "There is a party in the rec lounge tonight. I know
this because I asked Uhura to organize one. I will make sure Christine is
there. I suggest you do not drink too much and do pay attention—all your
attention—to her. The gossip lines will have the news spread across the ship by
morning."
"You
think gossip will convince her I find her attractive?"
"No,
I think gossip will take care of you having to worry about how the crew finds
out the captain has a woman. As far as what Christine thinks, I have seen you
seduce a woman, Jim. As if she is the only thing in a crowded room. Has
Christine ever experienced this?"
"No,
that wasn't how we came together—what we were about."
"Then
I suggest you seduce her. With alacrity and great effort. She needs to know
there is no other woman in the rec lounge for you but her."
"I'm
not sure your big plans are going to pan out, Spock. She hates me."
"She
does not hate you. She is hurt. I suggest you employ your somewhat legendary
talents in the romantic arena to achieving your goals or she will leave."
Spock studied him for a moment, then told the computer to resume the lift and
sent it back to the bridge. He got off without saying anything else and went
back to the science station.
Kirk
realized he would be getting no more relationship advice from his friend. He
was profoundly relieved, but also a little adrift.
##
The
rec lounge was packed by the time Spock showed up with Chris. Kirk had watched
a steady stream of his crew come in. Men and women, pairing up in various
combos, all having fun, some looking like they were already together, others
looking like they might have some fun for the first time later tonight.
He
wanted that, damn it all. He was sick of being alone in the place he loved
best.
He
sat at the bar, nursing a scotch. Not drinking at all would be out of
character, but he had a tall glass of water he was also drinking from. He was
not planning on getting drunk tonight. He didn't leave his stool, even when
members of his crew—many of them beautiful—asked him to dance. He knew Chris
saw him turn down the last one, Marietta as fate would have it. He bit back a
smile.
Spock
ordered her a drink—when the hell did Spock start knowing what cocktails she
liked? Then Spock took his water and left to join another group of more somber
participants.
"So,"
Chris said, "you just turned down a dance. I seem to remember you dancing
with whoever asked during our first five-year mission."
"I
used to. As long as I danced with everyone who asked, I wasn't choosing
anyone."
"I
remember." She looked down. "Too bad back then I only had eyes for
Spock." She took a solid hit from her drink.
"Don't
drink too fast," he said gently.
"Why
the hell not?"
"Because
I want you light on your feet, not tromping all over mine." He grinned at
her but tried to get a large amount of scorch in his eyes.
"Huh?"
"I
do plan to dance tonight. Just, not with any of them." He let his mouth
turn up into a slow smile. "Unless you object. You do like dancing, don't
you? We never did that. Why didn't we do that?"
She
looked down. "I never questioned it at the time. After we broke up, I just
thought you didn't really want to be seen in your usual haunts with me. That's
why we went to the park. Or the cafes. Not the clubs or the fancy restaurants.
You were slumming, after all." She took another drink and her hand was
shaking as she put her drink down.
"I
wasn't slumming. To be honest, I was enjoying not being that guy. I'd spent every night in the clubs before we started
spending time together, finding some comfort for an evening that went nowhere
or worse went for a few days and then petered out. You were the first honest
thing I found on Earth. I wanted you in the sunshine, not in some strobe-lit,
mist-filled club."
"You
never told me that."
"I
never did. I was afraid to open up to you about how unhappy I was because I
knew that the moment you left on Decker's ship, I'd go
right back to being that person. And I didn't want to. I wanted you to
stay."
"Why
didn't you just say so?"
"Because
you needed to go. You'd worked so hard for it. And Decker needed you." He
looked down. "I was never slumming with you. And I'm not slumming now.
Come on." He took her hand clumsily in his and led her onto the dance
floor before she could change her mind.
This
was not the tactic Spock had told him, this was anything but suave, but honesty
was what he hadn't given her, and he thought honesty was what she needed right
now. And maybe to see him leveled as much as she was.
He'd
hurt her. He'd hurt himself, too, long before he broke up with her.
It
took them a while to find their rhythm, but then she relaxed in his arms and he
nuzzled her hair as he whispered in her ear, "I love you. I've missed you.
Don't leave the ship. I don't like who I am without you."
The
music changed, people switched out around them, but they didn't stop dancing.
"Will
you stay?" he asked.
"I'm
a sentimental fool."
"Yes,
but you're my sentimental fool. And I intend on staying out here for every dance
until one of us demands a break. Or you insist on another partner. I don't need
one."
She
smiled up at him. "Awfully extreme. The rumor mill will be working
overtime."
"It's
not a rumor if it's true. I'd kiss you right now but that'd be pushing
it." He saw by the look in her eyes that if he did kiss her, she'd kiss
him right back. "I could kiss you in my quarters, if you wanted to leave
with me tonight, after we've made our statement?"
"Just
kiss me? Nothing more?"
He
grinned. "I may have other things in mind." He let his hand travel
down her back, lower and lower until it was just hovering at the edge of
propriety.
"Thrillseeker," she said with a surprised smile.
"Once
I'm in, I'm all in."
"That
I actually believe." She relaxed against him a little more, looked around
the dance floor and then started to laugh.
"What?"
"Chekov
just got Marietta on the dance floor."
He
saw the two of them dancing, Chekov very earnest and eager, Marietta more
restrained. "Do it for me. Please?" He grinned. "But quietly. I
don't want anyone to hear."
She
was laughing as she pushed herself closer so she could whisper in his ear—they
probably looked like they were trying to have sex standing up—and said in a
goofy Russian accent, "Larissa, I vish to varn you of the advances of other officers. I vill protect you from them." Then she switched to a
sweet voice that was actually spot-on for Marietta. "I haven't really
noticed that I needed protection, Mister Chekov. Please, Larissa, call me Pavel.
And this is the problem, you see. These other men vill
appear innocuous, but you are new, and you need an experienced guide through
the interpersonal perils of starship relationships. No, Pavel, I think I need a
doctor, you just stepped on my foot."
Kirk
had his head buried in her neck, was laughing hard but as quietly as he could.
He knew his back was shaking.
She
started to laugh, too, and he moved so he could look at her. "As funny as
the gymnastics one?" she asked.
"No,
that was a classic. But this was good."
She
laughed again, and her eyes were shining, and he couldn't help it, he kissed
her, just a quick kiss but in front of everyone and he suddenly didn't give a
goddamn who saw them.
When
he pulled away, he said, "Let's see what the rumor mill does with
that."
She
looked extraordinarily pleased with him. "I'm thirsty—can you get me some
water? I suddenly don't want to overdo it on the alcohol."
He
smiled, put his arm around her waist, and led her off the dance floor. He
ordered her a water, never letting her go and she leaned into him, her hand
settling on the small of his back, feeling warm and right there.
Spock
walked over, an expression of extreme self-satisfaction on his face. "It
is a pleasing party."
"Very
nice," Chris said, her hand pressing harder into his back.
"Bang
up job, Uhura did. Remind me to give her a commendation." Kirk grinned at
no one in particular. God, he felt giddy.
Spock
looked at Christine, his eyes very gentle. "May I have this dance?"
She
looked at Jim, smiled gently at him, then at Spock, and said, "I'm afraid
I'm spoken for this evening."
"Perhaps
another evening." Jim winked at him.
"Excellent."
Spock sipped his water with an expression that seemed to say he had
singlehandedly saved the universe. "And that was not a genuine request. I
do not dance."
"I
knew that," Chris said. "Years of stalking." She laughed. A
clear, happy sound that reminded Kirk of sunlit days when he wasn't angry and
this woman was the reason why.
"You
were not stalking, Christine."
Kirk
frowned. Did that mean Spock was
interested in Christine? Did he have to get jealous again? "Weren't you
leaving, Spock?"
"Jim,"
Chris said, but as Spock walked off, no offense apparent, she looked at Kirk,
seemed to recognize the expression on his face. "Oh, so I'm not the only
one who's insecure."
"Well,
you liked him first."
"I
barely knew him. Did I know you?"
"You
did. You knew the best part of me. Unfortunately, the best part of me is not
the biggest part of me."
"I
don't think that's true. You make yourself choose. Maybe you can have it
all?"
He
wanted to have it all right now on top of the bar. How long did they have to
stay?
She
seemed to be on the same page. "How many more dances before we can be
alone?" She slid her hand down his back, and he closed his eyes.
"Don't
go much further. And don't expect me to turn around any time soon."
She
laughed. "Remember that time when Nogura caught us in the corridors?"
"And
you loaned me your med kit to hide certain uhhh
protuberances? Yeah, I remember." He grinned at her. "Five more
dances?"
"That
may not be enough. Seven, I think."
"Seven
it is." He reached for his scotch, sipped it lightly. "Lucky number
seven."
##
They
finished their last dance, both trying not to look like they were about to
sprint off to his quarters to have hot monkey sex. Kirk still had his arm
around her when they left, and he noticed she got some interesting looks from
Uhura and Rand.
"You
going to have some explaining to do?"
"Yeah."
She didn't sound pleased at the idea.
"You
didn't tell them anything?" He hated to think of her going through this
alone, but he loved her discretion. That was important to him.
"Nope.
They just think I'm angry at you about the demotion."
"They
really don't know you, do they?"
She
laughed, and it wasn't a happy sound this time. "I don't think they do. We
want to think our friends know what we're going through, but they don't. And if
we won't tell them, how can they? But then we hold it against them that they
don't get it." She shrugged. "I have a feeling this will not help my
relationship with them."
"That
you're with me?"
"That...and
that I didn't tell them our history was the problem." She shook her head.
"I don't want to talk about them."
"I
don't, either." Their great mood was rapidly evaporating. "We made a
pretty big statement in there."
"I
know."
"How
do you feel about that?"
"It's
a lot to take in." She followed him onto the turbolift. "I'm
surprised. Happy. Still a bit wary."
"I
don't blame you. I know I hurt you. And I'll make it up to you."
"Just
don't hurt me again."
"I
can't promise that. No one can promise that. The best I can do is to never hurt
you that way again." He took her hand and held it tight. "You're
going to hurt me, too. It's the nature of relationships. Anyone who says they
don't have problems every now and then isn't in a real one."
She
smiled.
The
lift stopped and he led her off, not dropping her hand, enjoying the feel of it
in his, the simple innocence of just holding hands like two teenagers. They
passed McCoy who was clearly getting a late start to the party, and he stopped
and stared at them.
"Something
I ought to know?"
Kirk
laughed and said, "Bones, I humbly request the honor to court Chris.
You're the closest thing she has to a father."
McCoy
hit him on the arm. "What the hell, Jim? I'm not old enough to be her dad.
But court away, it's about damn time." He started down the hall, then
turned back. "Hey, you didn't leave the party because they're out of
hooch, did you? You just want to get to the sex, right?"
Kirk
knew he was blushing. "They've still got bourbon, Bones."
"That's
what I like to hear. Don't forget to stretch first."
She
started to laugh. "I'm going to be ribbed nonstop tomorrow."
"But
happily I can tell him to shut up."
"When
has he ever listened to you? You're going to get ribbed nonstop tomorrow,
too."
"Good
point." He palmed open his door, led her in. "So..."
"So."
She
seemed to be looking everywhere but at him.
"Hey,
what's going on in there?" He tapped her forehead gently.
"I'm
just remembering our last conversation in here."
He
led her back to where it happened, turned her so she faced the mirror over his
dresser. "What do you think?"
"Of
what?"
"Of
us. We look good together." He wrapped his arms around her waist and
pulled up so they made her breasts even more prominent. "They think
so."
She
laughed. "You always did like them."
"Did?
What's this past tense crap?" He studied their reflections. "We're
almost the same height."
"Does
that bother you?"
"No.
I never get a neck cramp when I kiss you."
She
laughed again. "Me, either."
"See,
win win."
She
nodded, but he could tell she still wasn't comfortable yet.
"I
want you to do something for me, Chris. I want you to let me play and you do
nothing but watch yourself in the mirror. Will you do that?"
"Jim,
that's..."
"I'm
serious. You can watch me, too, if you need a change of scene." He winked
at her. "Just humor me?"
"Okay."
He
moved her hair aside and ran his fingers along her neck so lightly he felt her
shiver. Glancing in the mirror, he saw her relaxing as she leaned into him. He
kissed her neck, following the path his fingers had taken, sucking gently,
licking when he found a sensitive place. He undid her bra as he kissed around
to her throat, then moved back and pulled her shirt off, slipped her bra from
her, then went back to kissing her neck, his hands now busy on her chest.
He
heard her moan, and sneaked a peak. She had her eyes closed.
"Open
your eyes. Look at yourself."
"Jim."
"That's
an order, Chris."
She
did it. He pulled her closer, had to fight not to pull her around to him, not
to kiss her and push her to the floor. Her eyes were half lidded,
her cheeks flushed. Her lips were rosy and she was breathing hard, her mouth
open just enough to show him how aroused she was.
And
he'd barely started touching her.
He
played with her hair, mussing it a bit, pulling it a little as he kissed the
side of her neck. "What do you see?"
"Me?"
"What
do you see?" He turned her and knew he was breathing hard. "I see a
beautiful woman. What the hell do you see?"
"Us. I see us." She pulled him to her and
kissed him frantically. She was ripping off his uniform, and he had her bottoms
off in record time, and then he had her up on the dresser, pushing into her as
if he could lose himself in her.
He
reached between them, touched her the way she liked and she was gone, calling
his name out loudly as she came, holding on to him, her short fingernails
raking the skin of his back as she held on while he finished.
He
leaned against her, both of them panting, and she pulled her hand away and
seemed dismayed to find blood.
"Oh,
Jim, I'm sorry."
"Don't
be. Battle scars." He grinned and went back to nuzzling her neck. "I
love you."
"I
love you." She whispered in his ear. "This marble top on your dresser
is really cold."
He
started to laugh. "Is your butt freezing?"
She
nodded and he let her off the dresser. "It's a great height, though."
"Perfect.
Maybe next time we'll put a towel down so you don't get frostbite."
She
smiled and followed him to the bed. They cuddled together, kissing and playing,
and he moved her to her back and kissed up her leg until he found his
destination of choice and had her moaning in no time and then clenching and
calling out. He waited as she came down, and when she tried to pull him up, he
said, "Just lie there."
He
stroked her belly and her thighs and then began a new attack.
"Jim,
it's too soon."
"Shhh." He moved her legs further apart, then a bit more,
and heard her sharp intake of breath. "You okay?"
"It's
just rather..."
"Open?"
"I
was going to say vulnerable."
He
smiled. "That works, too." He dipped his head back down, really let
go, the way he never had with her before, afraid to give too much, afraid to
make her his the way he'd wanted to since she was
going to leave him. Why invest that much of himself only to have it torn away?
She
began to writhe underneath him. "Don't stop."
He
smiled. Stopping was the furthest thing from his mind. He did slow it down a
tiny bit, heard her moan in frustration. Then he gave her everything and let
her fall and fall and fall. He found her hand and held on as she cried out,
nonsense words this time.
He
moved up and over her, knowing how sensitive she'd be as he eased into her. She
stared up at him, her eyes so heavy he had to kiss her as he thrust.
She
wrapped her legs around him and whispered, "Do anything you want."
"We
will. We have all the time in the world."
She
smiled, met his kiss with one of her own, one full of love, and then rode out
his passion as he found his own completion. He wished he could show her how
beautiful she looked to him as she lay under him, her skin flushed and hair
damp, her eyes closing, her body his.
He
rolled to his side and pulled her close, far closer than he'd held her when
they'd been on Earth. Even then, even just sleeping, he'd been keeping a
distance. She seemed to realize it as she cuddled in, no space between them,
and she kissed his neck, murmuring, "I love you, Jim."
She
was asleep very quickly. He lay awake for a while, happy in his bed, listening
to the sounds of his two loves: the purr of his silver ship and the soft
breathing of the woman in his arms.
FIN